Chapter Text
He finds him perched on the roof of the Jingshi, staring up at the night sky, a jug of Emperor’s Smile dangling between in his fingers. The line of his mouth curves downward, the corners of his eyes soft and contemplative. It is an expression Lan Wangji has become familiar with over the past few weeks, when Wei Wuxian doesn’t realise he’s being watched, uncharacteristically sombre, almost melancholy.
He’s never sure what to do when Wei Wuxian is in this mood, but he’s saved from it when Wei Wuxian spots him. His whole face lights up and he waves down at him.
“Lan Zhan!” He pats the spot on the roof beside him. “Come join me!”
It takes little effort for Lan Wangji to join Wei Wuxian on the roof, the spiritual energy from his newly healed core acting like a buoy when he leaps. He turns down the offer of wine, ignoring Wei Wuxian’s soft huff of laughter, and for a while they sit in companionable silence side by side.
Lan Wangji can count on both hands the number of occasions they have spent time together like this in the past year, alone and awake, with no discernible reason. Spending time together had always been a necessity, at first because Lan Wangji had required someone to see to his needs when he had been bedridden, and then because he had required the constant presence of his soulmate’s golden core to heal his own. Those interactions had been but mere transactions, distant and businesslike despite Wei Wuxian’s best attempts at conversation.
Wei Wuxian tips his head back and pours a generous amount of wine into his mouth. He sighs gustily afterwards, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. His actions are coarse, unrefined, completely at odds with everything Lan Wangji has been taught about good breeding and it irks him to see it from the person who is meant to be his soulmate.
“Hey, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says, interrupting his thoughts. His chin is still tilted upward, eyes fixed on the stars. “I’m leaving tomorrow.”
He glances at Lan Wangji from the corner of his eye when there is no response.
“Don’t be in such a hurry to keep me here,” he says with a lopsided grin. He takes another swig from the jug. “At least you’ll finally have me out of your hair for good this time.”
There’s a tinge of bitterness in his tone that gives Lan Wangji pause.
“What do you mean?” he asks.
Wei Wuxian laughs, but it’s dry and mirthless and grates on Lan Wangji’s ears.
“Lan Zhan, we both know very well that I’m only here because you were dying and only your soulmate’s spiritual energy could heal your golden core,” he says frankly. “And now that you’ve recovered, I’m no longer needed.”
It’s the truth, but hearing it aloud unsettles Lan Wangji. He clenches his fists in his lap and says nothing. Wei Wuxian snorts.
“When your brother came to Yunmeng to ask me for help, I thought: one year doesn’t sound too bad,” he says, “you’re my soulmate after all. Even if we don’t fall in love, we could at least be good friends.”
A soulmate is the perfect complement to your soul, his mother had told him as a child. But it does not always mean you have to be in love with them.
He recalls the way her eyes drifted to the gentians by the window, a bittersweet smile on her lips and a deep-seated melancholy in her eyes. He is startled to see that same look reflected in Wei Wuxian’s face now.
He is not in love with Wei Wuxian. They both know this, have known this since the beginning, and still Wei Wuxian had chosen to come.
Why?
“We are,” he says. Wei Wuxian chuckles at his less-than-convincing tone.
“Thank you for saying so,” he says, tipping the jug in his direction in a mock salute. “But I thought lying was not permitted in the Cloud Recesses.”
“It isn’t,” Lan Wangji says.
He surprises even himself with the vehemence in his voice; Wei Wuxian’s eyes widen a fraction over the rim of the jug. His hands twist in the fabric of his robes as he struggles to unravel the knots in his throat to find the right words.
“Lan Zhan, ah Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian sighs. “You’re really too good.”
He really isn’t. Because if he were, then Wei Wuxian would not be sitting here, drink in hand and the weight of the world on his shoulders, smiling at him like his mother always did when she thought no one was looking. Quiet, resigned, sad.
“I’m sorry,” he says, not knowing what else to say.
Wei Wuxian shakes his head. “No, don’t be. It’s not your fault.”
They lapse into silence again. Lan Wangji is used to silence, but the weight of their conversation lingers between them now, thick and suffocating. Wei Wuxian shifts restlessly beside him, darting glances at him every now and then, until Lan Wangji feels a familiar spike of irritation.
“Stop moving,” he says sharply, and immediately regrets it when Wei Wuxian freezes like prey backed into a corner. He sighs. “Please.”
Perhaps it is only a trick of the light, but Wei Wuxian’s cheeks take on a faint pink hue. He sits up straighter and scratches the bridge of his nose.
“Hey Lan Zhan,” he says.
Lan Wangji sighs. “Yes?”
“Lan Zhan…” Wei Wuxian fiddles with the sleeve of his robes for a moment before squaring his shoulders and facing him. “Since I’m leaving tomorrow, I wanted to ask you a favour. You don’t have to agree, I just wanted to ask.”
“What is it?”
The pink tinge darkens into an unmistakable flush as Wei Wuxian bites his lower lip.
“Can I kiss you?” he asks. Seeing the surprise on Lan Wangji’s face, he quickly adds: “Just once. Since it’s the last time we’ll see each other. One kiss. That’s all I ask.”
Guilt gnaws at Lan Wangji’s stomach at the hopeful tone of his voice and he opens his mouth to refuse. But when Wei Wuxian turns to look at him, his dark hair catches the soft glow of the moonlight and the words are lost in the way Lan Wangji’s heart skips a beat. He nods.
Wei Wuxian’s eyes widen in surprise, his mouth falling open in a soft exhale.
“Oh, a-alright,” he stammers, and clears his throat. He shifts until his upper body faces Lan Wangji fully, legs tucked underneath him. “Here we go.”
Lan Wangji holds himself very still as Wei Wuxian leans in. His heart hammers in his chest, blood roaring in his ears, and he has to close his eyes to stop himself from staring at Wei Wuxian’s soft mouth. His whole body thrums, sings with an unexpected anticipation; his heart skips a beat when the first breath dances across his face—
—and pulls away, leaving him cold and drifting.
He opens his eyes. Wei Wuxian is sitting back on his heels, looking at him with an unreadable expression. His eyes are wet and red-rimmed, and his mouth trembles with the effort to keep his breathing steady. He smiles despite it all, and it tugs at something painful in Lan Wangji’s heart.
“You really are too good,” Wei Wuxian says hoarsely. “I don’t deserve you.”
No, he wants to say. I don’t deserve you.
The words don’t come. Wei Wuxian turns away and clambers to his feet with a loud sigh. He keeps his back towards Lan Wangji as he walks to the edge of the roof and peers down.
“I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning,” he says, a little too loudly. “You’ll be busy with morning classes though, so you don’t have to come see me off.”
He looks back over his shoulder briefly to flash Lan Wangji a small smile.
“I’m glad to have met you, Lan Wangji,” he says honestly. “Take good care of yourself, alright?”
And with that, he leaps off the roof.
–
Lan Wangji is not in love with Wei Wuxian.
But as he watches the lone figure making his way down the winding mountain path, he wonders if he ever even gave them a chance.