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Part 5 of ride the cyclone works!
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Published:
2022-10-09
Words:
2,743
Chapters:
1/1
Comments:
25
Kudos:
415
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35
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3,059

a love that falls as fast (as a body from the balcony)

Summary:

"It’s 9 pm, Noel is so tired off of his shift, and it’s raining. Hard.

But if he messages, Mischa will come and pick him up. Mischa will come and pick him up and they’ll sit in his car that’s only a little bit messy because Mischa really cares about his car. They’ll sit in the rain for the 45-minute drive from the mall to Uranium, maybe even longer because the rains make the roads all slippery and Mischa is always more careful driving when there are other people in the car. Because he’s sweet like that, to Noel’s absolute dismay."

Or, Noel and Mischa have a long overdue conversation in a car, and it's raining really hard.

Notes:

dark chocolate is my favorite type of chocolate because i love things that are bittersweet

this is a continuation of my other fic "nonetheless, said the star, he has my heart"!! when i asked my friends on how i should end this, one said that it should be a happy ending, the other one said that i should make it sad.

congratulations, ashe and miss chloe, i made it both! dedicated to both of y'all mwah <3

title is from mitski's "townie," which is the unofficial Noel Gruber anthem

this is not exactly a happy fic, nor is there a completely happy ending. read at your own risk and enjoy!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

It’s 9 pm.

It’s 9 pm and Noel just got off his shift at Taco Bell.

It’s 9 pm and Noel just got off his shift at Taco Bell and his car isn’t starting.

It’s 9 pm and Noel just got off his shift at Taco Bell, his car isn’t starting, and it’s about to rain.

Fuck.

His mom is working a shift at the hospital right now. His dad is…god knows where. The bus is always an option. The bus stop is about 5 minutes away, and if he started now, he wouldn’t get soaked but the rain. The awful, sticky, smelly bus that he’ll probably get murdered on before they reached Uranium.

Fuck. Who has a car in the choir?

Constance does, but it isn’t her car. It’s her mom’s minivan, and it’s 9 pm. Is he really going to bother Constance and her mom to drive all the way out to the mall to pick him up? In the rain? They’re probably on a shift at the cafe by now, too. Constance is a no-go.

It’s 9 pm, Noel just got off his shift, his car isn’t starting, and it’s definitely raining now.

Ricky can’t drive, he knows Penny doesn’t have her license yet nor does she have a car, and Ocean’s parents don’t believe in cars (genuinely, Ocean has to bike everywhere in a too-small, bright blue bike with a little white basket. It’s fucking hilarious).

Mischa. Mischa has a car. His adoptive parents got him a silver Honda Civic, which seemed like a nice gesture, but then Mischa told them it was just so they wouldn’t have to see him whenever he needed a ride somewhere. Which was less nice, admittedly. Mischa definitely has a car that he can drive, and he doesn’t usually do much at 9 pm. He’s probably at home, in his basement, on his Xbox. Noel would bet on it. If Noel called Mischa, if he texted him right now, Mischa would pick him up. And he’d be out of the rain, and more importantly, away from fucking Taco Bell.

It’s 9 pm, Noel is so tired off of his shift, and it’s raining. Hard.

But if he messages, Mischa will come and pick him up. Mischa will come and pick him up and they’ll sit in his car that’s only a little bit messy because Mischa really cares about his car. They’ll sit in the rain for the 45-minute drive from the mall to Uranium, maybe even longer because the rains make the roads all slippery and Mischa is always more careful driving when there are other people in the car. Because he’s sweet like that, to Noel’s absolute dismay.

They’ll probably sit in silence, too. Or, even worse, they’ll have to talk. First about small things, like man, this weather sucks, and then stuff like how do you feel about Ocean’s new choreography? or did you start practicing our new piece yet? Nice, easy stuff. The level of conversation you might use with a coworker you’ve been working with for a while but never quite got the chance to get to know, or a classmate you only ever talk to when there’s a slow moment between lectures. But it’s Mischa, the Mischa the Noel stands next to in their choir formation, the Mischa that scares off the girl in his English class who always looks like she wants to comment on his nails, the Mischa that he’s had a crush on since he joined the choir, probably the only Mischa in all of Uranium.

Yeah, that Mischa.

Noel isn’t stupid. He knows that the choir knows about his crush. He knows that Penny and Ricky know about it and watch them in the choir. He knows Ocean knows and that she sends pitying looks to him when she thinks he’s not looking. He knows Ocean talks about it with Constance whenever she goes to the Blackwood Cafe to study while Constance is conveniently working a shift. He knows Mischa knows, ever since he saw him and Penny talk in his car for like 10 minutes, he knew that they were talking about him because there’s literally nothing else Penny would need to say to Mischa that she couldn’t say in front of the choir.

And he knows that Mischa is going to bring it up. Because Noel knows Mischa is sweet and he’s romantic, even if he tries to put on that weird, hyper-masculine, gangster persona that literally no one is buying. He’s going to bring it up because he’s Noel’s friend and Noel knows Mischa cares about him, just like he cares about Ocean or Penny or literally anyone else in the choir. He’s going to bring it up because they’re going to be alone for at least 45 minutes and really, there isn’t a better place to talk about it.

It’s 9:15 pm now, and Noel’s coworker is looking at him funny from inside the Taco Bell like why hasn’t this idiot left yet, and it’s raining really hard. Noel really wants to go home.

He texts Mischa. And, of course, Mischa answers sure, be there soon. And now Noel waits, and worries.

Mischa, wonderful Mischa, manages to get there in 30 minutes. It’s 9:45 pm now, it’s raining really hard, and Noel knows that Mischa was speeding to get to the mall faster. He knows this because Mischa is sweet and doesn’t like to keep people waiting, especially people he considers friends, and especially when it’s cold and rainy and his friend is alone. Fuck.

He gets into the passenger’s side of Mischa’s car once he waves him over. He mumbles a quick hey, and another quick thanks for picking me up. Mischa only nods and says, no problem, will always pick you up if you need. Noel nods and stares at the bright pink, cherry blossom-scented, pine tree air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror that Penny got him ages ago. It’s so old that it doesn’t even smell like cherry blossom anymore, but Mischa only keeps it around because it reminds him of Penny, and doesn’t want to get rid of her gift (even if the gift was a joke).

Mischa starts to drive, predictably slow and careful now that Noel’s in the car. The little ache in his heart is back. Exactly three minutes into the drive (or about 3 minutes, he only said exactly for dramatic effect), Mischa starts the small talk, and it’s exactly like Noel thought it would be.

They lapse into silence after talking about their latest choir piece. They talked for 20 minutes, almost half of the drive. If Noel was stalling for time to avoid the inevitable conversation, which he definitely was, Mischa probably picked up on it.

The only sounds left are the hum of the Honda Civic and the pitter pitter patter of the rain outside. It’s cold, but Mischa turns on the car’s heater and Noel is sweating slightly in his seat. He isn’t quite sure if it’s because of the heat or what he knows is coming up, though.

They go through 4 minutes of silence. It’s 10:12 pm, and they have about 21 minutes left of the drive, and god does Noel wish that those 21 minutes left could be spent in silence.

He looks down into his lap as Mischa clears his throat.

Another minute passes.

Noel notices that his hands are shaking while they’re loosely folded together in his lap. He unclamps his hands and balls them up tightly into fists, planting them firmly on top of his thighs. He doesn’t stop shaking, and Mischa hasn’t said anything yet.

Another minute passes. It’s 10:14 pm, and they have 19 minutes left to talk. Noel hopes that Mischa is as scared as he is, but he knows that he’s not. Right now, Noel’s the most scared he’s ever been, not even when he came out to Ocean on the Ferris Wheel in grade eight, or when he first went to school with his fingernails painted messily with old black nail polish.

Another minute passes. 18 minutes until they arrive at their destination.

“Noel…” Mischa starts to talk but then stops once he notices how tense Noel is in the corner of his eye, how Noel is very, very close to tears. He keeps his eye on the road, though. Bless this boy, Noel whispers in his head.

Mischa starts again, saying his name in that awful, awful tone of voice that Noel never wants to hear again, no matter how much he loves his voice.

Mischa takes one hand off the wheels and lays it on top of Noel’s balled-up fist. Mischa squeezes his hand once, then twice, and keeps his hand there.

It feels like Mischa is burning his hand, but obviously, Noel can’t move his hand away.

“I love you, Noel Gruber. Very much so,” he starts, and Noel just knows there’s a gonna be a “but” right afterward.

“But—but the way I love you is different.” There it is. Noel called it, but he isn’t exactly in the mood to feel proud of himself.

“I do not love you the way you love me,” he gets out, and Noel could protest here. It’s just a small crush, he could say. It’s not love, it’s nothing serious, he could try and save face if he wanted to. And Mischa would have let it go, because Mischa is sweet and kind, even if they both know it’s not true. Noel would delude himself into thinking the concept of true love or love at first sight have any merit to them, but he also won’t delude himself into thinking that he didn’t fall hard. Even if love wasn’t the right word, Noel fell fast and he fell hard into something—he wasn’t the most romantic boy in town for nothing.

Noel just stays quiet, he’s too scared that if he opens his mouth the only thing that will come out is a sob.

“You are very dear to me. Very, very dear to me, Noel Gruber. But not in the way Talia is dear to me,” he says as he squeezes Noel’s hand again. And there it is. Noel is fully crying now, and even if it’s dark as fuck outside, he knows Mischa noticed from the way he squeezes his hand again and rubs his thumb over Noel’s knuckles.

“I cannot express how much you mean to me, Noel Gruber. You are my best friend,” he pauses here to take a breath, “You are a good person, a very talented person. The world needs poets like you, Noel.”

There are 10 minutes left of the drive, and Noel is still shaking, Mischa is still holding his hand, and holy shit, did the rain get louder, or is that just Noel’s heart beating in his ears?

“I promised Penny I would not hurt you, and I am trying my best not to. I do not wish to hurt you—I do not wish to hurt you so that the poems stop flowing. I know you will turn this into something beautiful, I know you can. I hope that you will not change, just because I cannot love you the way you love me,” Mischa ends with this, obviously hoping for some sort of response from Noel, but he doesn’t push. He only continues to hold onto Noel’s hand and keeps his eyes on the road.

Noel is still crying, thankfully not the ugly, gasping crying that he so desperately wants to let out. He kind of wishes he had the confidence to wear that mascara to his shift now, if only for how much more fucked up he would look with mascara running down his cheeks. At least then it would be chic and not pathetic.

“It’s okay,” Noel manages to whisper, and his breath makes a little cloud on the window. If this were a movie, Noel thinks, he would have reached up and drawn a little heart before the fog disappeared. Maybe even a little sad face, if he wanted to be extra cheesy.

But this isn’t a movie, and it’s 10:24 pm, they have 8 minutes left of this drive, and Noel is still in his fucking Taco Bell uniform.

“Are we okay?” Mischa asks.

“We’re okay,” Noel answers back.

Two minutes pass. 6 more left.

“You know I love you, Noel. I have for a very long time now. This does not change that,” he says, his eyes still on the road, straight ahead, and he hasn’t looked at Noel once throughout the conversation, “When I said I loved you, I do not love you the way I love the choir. I love Ocean, and Penny, and Ricky, and Constance, but I love you in a different way. There is something I feel for you, Noel, that is different from them. I do not know if it is something more or if it is something deeper, all I know is that it is different. And I also know that it is different from the way you want me to love you, Noel.”

5 more minutes. Noel is still crying, Mischa is still holding his hand, and it’s still raining outside.

“Maybe…maybe I could love you the same way you love me. Maybe in a different time, maybe in a different world. But I cannot love you the way you need me to, now, Noel. Not right now.”

Noel is still crying, but he finds the strength to actually hold Mischa’s hand now. Mischa doesn’t move his hand away, only squeezes Noel’s hand harder.

“Really?” Noel asks, and he hates himself for asking but he just has to ask. He hates how it sounds pathetic and stupid and hopeful rather than the nonchalance he was going for.

“Yes, really. But not now, love. It is confusing for me, Noel. I hold so much love in my heart for you, it comes so natural for me to do so. But I also hold Talia in my heart, my darling Talia, and it confuses me.”

Fuck Noel’s heart for beating just a little bit faster when he hears Mischa say this, fuck Noel’s brain for making him think that this wasn’t a complete rejection and fuck Mischa most of all for giving Noel hope.

3 more minutes. Noel squeezes Mischa’s hand and Mischa squeezes back with his eyes still on the road.

The rain is still pouring down, but Noel’s tears have stopped. His face is just damp now, and slightly sticky.

“I’m sorry,” Noel says, voice nasally after crying, “I’m sorry for making you confused. I know how much you love her. I never thought—I never wanted to get between that, Mischa, I promise,”

“I know that, Noel. You love tragedy, yes, but you are not cruel,”

Mischa pulls up in front of Noel’s house. They both sit there, in the silence of the pitter pitter patter of the rain outside.

Noel moves to untangle his hand from Mischa first. Mischa doesn’t try to fight this but runs his thumb over Noel’s hand one last time. He finally turns away from the road to look at Noel, and Noel can see that his eyes are shiny, too.

When Noel goes to get out of the car, Mischa says I love you. He doesn’t whisper it, he doesn’t mumble the words together, and he doesn’t even look away when he says it. Plain as day, Noel heard Mischa, loud and clear.

Noel calls back I love you, too, before he shuts the car door and walks to his front door. He doesn’t have the strength to look back at the car since the tears have really started up again, this time so much stronger now that no one is next to him. The tears have blurred his vision so much that it takes him a couple of minutes to unlock the door and step into the house. The rain is so loud that Noel can’t hear anything over the sound of little droplets hitting the pavement.

The rain is so loud that Noel can’t hear the hummmm of Mischa’s car engine.

The tears in his eyes make his vision so blurry that he doesn’t notice that Mischa is still there, and that he doesn’t leave until he sees that Noel is inside the house.

Notes:

i'm so, so sorry my friends

i was originally going to have two endings for this, one bittersweet and one happy, but i truly could not imagine a way to end this on a happy note. i might try and write one in the future, but this is the relationship i choose to portray between noel and mischa. sorry nischa shippers

mischa's love language is definitely acts of service and physical touch, so read the fic again with that in mind and see what mischa does! wink wink

yes i love nischa, i love reading about them being happy, but my favorite trope is hurt/no comfort so you can already tell what type of person i am. angst is my one true love, but i did try to make it slightly requited love for all y'all happy ending lovers!! i don't know how well i portrayed it, but this is definitely requited love to some degree, so at least those are my intentions

as always, i hope you enjoyed, comments + kudos greatly appreciated!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me your thoughts on the ending in the comments!! would love to hear how you enjoyed it or genuinely hate me now

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