Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

When Nagisa got into Keisetsu high school, he had strong hopes that he would make it into Keisetsu University, one of the top universities in the country. It wasn’t necessarily his dream to go there, but it had a wonderful teaching program that would help him achieve his true dream job, so he was fine with the university that his mother had chosen for him all of those years ago. In fact, dare he say, by the end of the first month, he was actually quite happy.

His roommate was a bit of a handful sometimes- reminding him heavily of Maehara, who he still kept in touch with alongside everyone else from his final year in junior high. His roommate was a ladies man, someone who loved hanging around girls and often brought some over to their shared dormitory. It was extremely awkward for Nagisa at first- especially since not only did his roommate assume he was the sister of one his roommate before finding out he was his roommate, but the first time he returned to the dorms after classes, he’d found his roommate making out with a girl in his bed, and his girl had also assumed he’d brought another girl over, before Nagisa had to clarify, again, that he was, in fact, a boy.

It kind of sucked. His roommate often had to text him to tell him not to come by for a while since he had a lady friend over, which left Nagisa often staying at the university library until it closed.

Thankfully, though, Karma still lived in his huge house alone while attending university, not finding the point in downsizing and sharing his space with some random dude he may not even care for when he had a perfectly fine house that he usually stayed at alone. He was always welcoming of Nagisa when he was basically kicked out of his dorm, even though the commute was a bit long.

Still…his roommate usually followed up with an apology gift of sorts whenever Nagisa had to stay away overnight, usually buying him breakfast or some sort of snack the following day. And he was a genuinely nice guy anyway, so Nagisa didn’t really have any issue with him.

Even so…Nagisa was honestly exhausted after cramming a bunch of study sessions for a big test in one of his classes. He sincerely wanted to return to the dorms and collapse into bed and just turn his brain off for the weekend. After all, there was no homework or study material to look into yet until Monday, when they’d be getting their test results back.

But when he got the familiar text of “hey, I have someone really special over, and I’m hoping we’ll be pulling an all nighter…can you stay somewhere else tonight? Please?” Nagisa wanted to scream. But he sent a thumbs up emoji anyway. He rubbed his temples with a heavy sigh. Karma would still be in classes right now, and he didn’t want to risk distracting him with a message. Being in university, where things were much more challenging, he wanted Karma to focus more on his studies, especially when he was getting so close to his dream job of becoming a bureaucrat. 

He could probably visit his mother, given he’d only exchanged a few messages with her since he started university, but…

I wonder how dad’s doing…

Nagisa felt as though he spoke with his father even less than before. His parents had gotten back together and surprised him with the news during his junior high school graduation…but then they ended up splitting up and informing him of their upcoming divorce on his seventeenth birthday. 

Needless to say, despite Nagisa’s attempts at reaching out to him, his father didn’t really respond all that often, the guilt very evident on his face every time they actually saw each other. It was way worse than before. 

But even though his father left him with his mother a second time, when she was becoming so unstable that she’d grown more physically abusive, Nagisa couldn’t fault his father for it. He just loved him too much to do so.

"Hey dad. Want to meet up for dinner?"

It didn’t take long, but his father ended up responding with kind agreement. Nagisa quickly made the plans with his father as he walked towards the train station, eager to see him again. Maybe after dinner, he could go surprise his mother with a visit. She’d calmed down considerably when he got his acceptance letter to Keisetsu University, and was much sweeter over text than she was in person. He did miss her, regardless, though.

Within half an hour, Nagisa was off the train and headed for his and his father’s favorite yakiniku restaurant. Another thing he hadn’t been to since before he started university. He was starting to get old nostalgic feelings for these places that he used to frequent.

Unsurprisingly, his father was already there, waiting for him.

“Dad!” Nagisa smiled, raising a hand up to get his attention. His father immediately looked over at him and smiled a small, tired, and somewhat sad smile. Nagisa rushed to join him, and sat across from him. “How’s it been?”

“Work’s as tiring as usual,” his dad gave a small, strained laugh. “But what about you? I can’t believe that you’re in college already. Th-though it might be a bit late to say that, huh…the school year started, what, two months ago?”

“More or less,” Nagisa leaned over a little as their plates of raw beef began to arrive. He used his tongs to set some for himself onto the grill connected to the table. “It’s great though. My roommate’s really nice, and everyone is so cool. It really is different from high school. The atmosphere is always so relaxed, even when everyone’s stressed and studying.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you’re having fun,” his dad’s face melted to a genuine smile. “Have you spoken with your mother recently?”

“A little?” Nagisa shrugged. “She wants me to focus on my classes more than anything, but we exchange messages.”

“I see…and how…is she?” His dad seemed to hesitate as he asked, as if afraid to upset Nagisa. “I know it’s been hard ever since we divorced again…but if she does anything to you, then you should talk to me.” He set his own beef on the grill as he spoke, not meeting Nagisa’s inquisitive gaze.

“What do you mean? If she does anything to me?” Nagisa tilted his head to the side as he poked at the beef, before turning each piece over slowly so that it didn’t overcook. “I haven’t seen her since before I left. Mom’s great right now.”

“So over the years…she hasn’t done anything at all?” His father asked quietly.

“No…like I said, mom’s been great.” Nagisa pulled his arm back, using his free hand to touch his twin tails. “I’ve been thinking about cutting my hair soon. I mean, once I’m finished with college, I’ll have my own place to stay officially. And mom knows I’ll be cutting my hair soon.”

“I’m kind of surprised you haven’t already,” his dad commented.

“I am too…I kinda thought that by now I would have, but with everything going on in uni, it’s kind of hard to find the time to do so. Though it would be really nice to stop getting mistaken as a girl,” Nagisa let out an awkward little laugh. His roommate and one of his roommate’s flings aside, a few of his classmates in a few different classes all assumed he was a girl as well.

For some reason, his dad seemed to pale a little at his words. “Ah…they still do? That’s been an issue since elementary school, hasn’t it?”

“I mean, it’s not like I can really blame them…” Nagisa admitted, finally leaning over to take his beef off of the grill and setting it on his plate. He set the tongs down and used his chopsticks to pick one of the thin cut slices up and took a ginger bite. “I’ve accepted that I look like a girl back in junior high. I realized back then that your greatest weakness can become your greatest strength, and I’ve always tried to use that to my advantage…though, I’m not really finding much use for it now.”

“Y-yeah, I’d imagine it’s hard to find use in looking like a girl.” His dad stared at the wall next to them, pointedly ignoring his look. “It’s…troublesome, is it?”

“It is…I mean, not only do I look like a girl, but I think puberty completely skipped over me!” Nagisa complained. “I don’t sound any different from when I was twelve. I guess there’s no helping it though.”

His dad set his tongs down, looking sick to his stomach.

Nagisa’s eyebrows furrowed at the action. “Dad? Dad, your beef’s starting to shrivel up…”

His dad did not respond.

Nagisa grabbed his own tongs and turned his dad’s beef over for him.

“Nagisa,” his dad spoke up, catching his son’s attention. “I…no matter what’s happened to you, you know that I’ll still always love you, right?”

“Of course.” Nagisa replied without missing a beat, a bit confused. But he still smiled. “You wouldn’t have wanted to eat with me otherwise, right?”

“It’s not that I wouldn’t want to, it’s more…I probably don’t deserve to eat with you. You’re my only son, and yet…I allowed so much to happen…” He whispered, covering his face with his hand. “I’m sorry, this is supposed to be a nice reunion, but I just can’t stomach it knowing that you’ve been drugged and lied to-”

“Drugged?” Nagisa stopped moving entirely, staring at his father with an expression growing in concern and confusion. “What…what do you mean? I haven’t been drugged…”

Not since the night mom tried to make me burn E-Class, anyway…

His dad suddenly froze, before slowly lowering his hand from his face, which was getting more and more rapidly white. He looked sick, like he might faint at any moment. And suddenly, alarm bells were ringing in Nagisa. He dropped his chopsticks, sitting upright in terror.

“Dad? When was I drugged? What’s going on?”

“I- I didn’t say drugged, I said rubbed. As in you were rubbed the wrong way…” 

“That doesn’t make any sense at all,” Nagisa frowned. “You definitely said drugged. Dad- please be honest with me. Tell me what you know…”

His father stared at him with sad, wavering eyes before lowering his head and clenching his hands into fists. He seemed to have some sort of internal debate with himself, before raising his head. The only change to his expression were his eyebrows, which had furrowed in determination. His lips pressed slightly tighter together than before, and he released a shaky breath. “Nagisa…are you absolutely sure you want the truth?”

“Yes.” Nagisa stared back at him without any hesitation.

“Then…the truth is…”

_____

Nagisa wasn’t entirely sure when it had started to rain. It was the start of summer, but despite the heatwaves, the summer rains were coming strong, followed by lots of thunder and even lightning. Many people took cover underneath the bus shelters near the bus stops, or inside a nearby store. Others continued on with their day, albeit with an umbrella. 

Nagisa hadn’t cared to check the weather that day; he’d been hoping to be in bed at this point.

Yet, he couldn’t find it in him to care. His mind was racing with what his father had told him mere minutes ago.

“When you were thirteen…your mom gave you some estrogen in secret…”

Nagisa stared down at the ground, only narrowly avoiding other people walking down the sidewalk as his shoes made contact with the growing puddles, splashing softly.

“I don’t know how long she’d done it for, but I guess…it was just until she was satisfied.”

All of this time. He always wondered why he wasn’t growing past 160cm. Despite being a boy, his pelvis was wider than most, which caused him to have hips much more akin to a woman. Why, despite being eighteen years old now, his voice was still as light and airy as it had been when he was twelve.

But now…he wondered if he’d been better off not knowing. If he remained oblivious to his mother’s dark secret. 

Why..? Why me..? Why would she..?!

Of course, he knew why. His mother had always wanted a girl. And him growing up would break his mother out of her delusions. It would shatter the fake reality she had created in her head that she had a daughter. Tears spilled down from his face at a rapid pace, though he could no longer tell what were tears on his face, and what were rain drops. Not that it mattered. Right now, nothing mattered except getting away from his father, and staying away from his mother.

He knew…he knew for years that she was doing that, and he never tried to stop her…he never even told me…and my own mother…

His stomach lurched, and Nagisa stopped running, surrounded by trees and bushes. He turned to the side and retched up the little he’d eaten today. He sometimes thought back to the night he was nearly forced to burn down E-Class, wondering how his mother could so callously drug him and take him to his school like that. Now he knew why. It simply wasn’t her first time doing that to him.

He’d been willing to overlook it back then, since he thought it was a one time thing, and she had truly never done it again after that, even when she descended back to her abusive madness. But now? Now that he knew she was just that comfortable doing it, then what was stopping her from doing it again if he, say, cut his hair and then visited her? What was stopping her from doing that when he would one day graduate, so that he didn’t ever actually leave her?

Absolutely nothing was.

Then what was all of this for? Why was he doing so much for her- going to the schools she chose, wearing his hair long…what was the point of any of it?

A sob wracked through his body, and he sank to his hands and knees, ignoring the slimy mud that soaked the knees of his jeans and squished between his fingers. He stared down at his own vomit blankly, tears dripping down his face and into the mud below. His stomach lurched, but he couldn’t vomit anymore. His heart was beating painfully against his chest, but he wasn’t losing his breath.

“Mom…dad…why..?” Nagisa whispered, thinking back to all of the times that his mother beat him- threw things at him, grabbed him by his hair, kicked him…and all of the times his father only watched him fall apart with a sad expression on his face.

He thought of all of the times he was mistaken for a girl, or worse, paraded around as a girl. He thought of everyone’s amused smiles and laughter, and suddenly, his own words were coming back to bite him.

“Our greatest weaknesses can become our greatest strengths…”

“Bullshit,” Nagisa whispered, clenching his hands into fists in the mud. “It’s all bullshit. Everything’s bullshit!” He sat back up, fully kneeling in the mud as he tilted his head back and stared up at the dark gray clouds and the rain that was coming down heavily. There was the sound of distant thunder, and he could spot faint lightning bolts quite a ways down. Not that it mattered. He gripped his hair tightly in his muddied hands, tugging harshly at it, as if he could just tear it all out and shut out all of the voices in his mind. He didn’t want to hear any of it- his mother’s screeches, his father’s pitiful apologies, his old friends laughter…he wanted all of it to stop ringing in his head.

He shook his head violently and let out an animalistic noise. It might have been a scream. Or a wail. Or even something in the middle of that. But it was loud, raw, and feral. It scratched his throat, but more importantly, it made all of the noises in his mind go silent.

He stayed there for a few minutes longer, before smiling a weak, sardonic smile.

I’m…completely alone, aren’t I?

No one was around. No one would hear him scream. No one would ever hear his agony. Even if he wasn’t sitting halfway up a mountain, no one would be hearing him.

He blinked.

A mountain..? Oh…

He hadn’t realized that his feet carried him all the way here.

Slowly, he dragged himself up, and began the long, muddy trek up the rest of the way. Up the familiar path that he used to find so comforting. In his despair, the moment he reached the top, he could almost see his fellow classmates back in junior high, all hanging around the worn down building, some trying to assassinate their teacher, while Karasuma would be watching with that dry look on his face, and Bitch-sensei would be hanging off of his arm, trying to get his attention.

But of course, such scenery was impossible now.

All he could see was the worn down building and growing weeds. The image was dreary when it was raining so much.

“Korosensei…” Nagisa whispered, trudging forward. His voice was hoarse from screaming earlier, but he didn’t care. He stopped in front of the building, staring up at the roof where Korosensei usually was when he was greeting all of the students who were coming in that day. He could almost see the giant yellow octopus staring down at him with that ever-wide smile. “Korosensei…what do I do..?” 

Korosensei would never respond to him. Would never even know that in trying to help Nagisa, he’d unknowingly made everything worse. But…if he were there, he would also still manage to fix the problem. It really was a shame that he’d died by Nagisa’s hands only a few years prior. Maybe this was his just desserts.

“Tell me…what am I supposed to do now? You’re the only one I can turn to…Korosensei…” Nagisa whispered desperately. He clenched his hands tightly at his side, trembling a little. Within seconds of silence, he punched one of the wooden support beams that was near the entrance of the building. “Korosensei! Come back! I can’t do any of this without you! You said…that you were always there for us, right?!” With every few words he spoke, he punched the wooden support beam over and over again, though this did nothing to the actual support beam, and did way more to his knuckles than anything else. He could feel his skin splitting open with every punch he landed, and he could see the dark maroon splatters on the wood. But this only fueled his desperation. “I need help! I need you! I need…I need somebody…” he dropped his fist and rested his forehead against the wood, all of the fight leaving his body. “Anybody…”

The only answer he could hear was the rain, and the gentle rumbling of thunder.

Slowly, Nagisa sank down onto the steps of the building, just sitting there as the rain continued on. He stared out at the trees with heavy eyes. Yet, every time they drooped shut, he could feel his own warm tears overloading and dripping past his shut eyelids. So he just sat there, unmoving. He felt unmotivated. It wasn’t like he had anywhere to go right now anyway.

His mother was way out of the question- he didn’t even want to be near her. He couldn’t look his father in the eye now either. His dorm was a long ways away, and even if he could go back, his roommate would probably plead with him to stay out because of the girl he brought back.

Logically, he knew he could contact any number of his old classmates. Or even Ritsu. But a mixture of being uncertain as to what they could be doing right now and his own desire to, at the same time, completely isolate himself, prevented him from reaching into his pocket for his phone.

All he could do- all he would do, was sit at the building where he once would refer to as his second home. He couldn’t say that anymore…not when the people who made it a home to him were so far away.

_____

Nagisa wasn’t entirely sure when he’d ended up passing out, but he awoke laying on the steps of the old building, curled up in a fetal position. It was bright and sunny out now- a very stark contrast to the previous evening. His clothes were mostly dried, and the mud that was caked on his hands and in his hair was completely dry. He didn’t need to open his phone to know that he probably looked terrible.

Slowly, he stood up, his body aching from sleeping in such an uncomfortable spot. He took a wobbly step down, and began the trek down the mountain, only derailing from the path to head towards the old makeshift pool.

He felt a flicker of nostalgia when he saw it. Sure, all of the things that made a pool fun were no longer in the water, but the dam itself was still there. He hopped along the rocks on the side, until he got to a large flat one- the one that Korosensei once sat on while watching over the students swimming. He knelt down and looked down at the water, nearly flinching back at his own reflection.

His face was blotchy and red from crying, and he had heavy bags under his eyes- a true testament to the fitful rest he’d had. His hair, while still in their twin tails, was dirty, with some spots being obviously more caked in mud than others. His clothes, being mostly dry, clung awkwardly to his body. It felt stiff and uncomfortable in the summer sun- some spots feeling more humid than others. Not to mention all of the dirt and mud on his clothes.

I can’t go on the train back to the dorms looking like this…

He was sure to make a mess on the train if he went, and he’d undoubtedly get a lot of nasty looks from people. He really didn’t want that. But he couldn’t go back to the Shiota apartment either- nor to his father’s apartment. Neither of those were options. 

He reached his muddy hands down into the water, feebly trying to scrub away the dried mud that had accumulated on them. He winced a little at the uncomfortable feeling, but he was able to at least get his hands clean. He shook them in the air afterwards so that they’d dry faster, before reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone. To his shock, his battery hadn’t died overnight, and was sitting at a measly 23%. Which was way more than he thought it would be at.

He didn’t have any missed messages either.

Somehow, despite not being surprised, he felt disappointed. But, he reasoned with himself, it wasn’t as if anyone knew that he’d just received some heavy news. Besides, when had he become such an attention whore? Hoping that someone would have just known he was upset and reached out to him so that he didn’t have to feel pathetic by reaching out to anyone first. He really was becoming an awful person, wasn’t he?

Letting out a sigh, he sent a message to Sugino, hoping that he wasn’t busy. In terms of where he lived, he was probably the closest, and he’d drop it if Nagisa didn’t want to talk about it.

“Sorry, Nagisa…I’m at baseball practice all day. Kanzaki and I also have plans tonight. But we can hang out another day!”

He tried Isogai next. When in doubt, the old class president was someone reliable that he could turn to. Of course, Isogai still lived with his mother and siblings, and Nagisa would hate to trouble them…but even when that thought occurred to him, it was too late, he’d already sent the message asking if Isogai was busy.

“I’m actually working all day…is something wrong? I can call out if you need me to.”

Well, Nagisa definitely couldn’t make him do that. Not when he was still supporting his family. He brushed Isogai off, before quickly backing out of his contact. He tried Kayano next.

“I’m in Korea doing some shoots…but if you want to call later on, I’d be down!”

Jeez. Nagisa really was nothing but a pest to everyone. His heart felt heavy as he sent another dismissal reply, before backing out of her contact as well. His fingers hovered over Karma’s contact name after that, hesitating.

On one hand, Karma would listen to him- he would help. Provide him a shower, some clothes to change into, and he would let Nagisa crash there for a while. But on the other hand, Karma wouldn’t just let him waltz in and then not tell him what was going on. He was never the type of guy to ignore other people’s suffering. But…maybe that was what Nagisa needed right now. Someone who would truly listen and care about what he was saying. Maybe having Karma there for him would wash away the cold, numb feeling that was eating away at his heart and soul. A feeling so painful that even death felt like mercy.

His hands trembled as he messaged his longtime friend.

Surprisingly, he got an answer pretty quickly.

“Not really. Just studying. Why?”

Why…such a simple, innocent question. And yet, it took all Nagisa had not to spill everything out.

“Can I come over?”

It might have been rude to invite himself, but Nagisa just didn’t care anymore. The wait for Karma to answer was a bit longer this time around, but it wasn’t so long that Nagisa worried that Karma wouldn’t answer him. Likely, he was just finishing up his study material before responding. It always took Nagisa a moment to find a good stopping spot whenever someone messaged him.

“Sure.”

That was all Nagisa needed. He stood up, stretching his short legs out before leaning back so that his back could pop. He relaxed a little when it did, heading down the mountain.

Karma didn’t live far away per se…it was definitely within walking distance. But walking underneath the hot and muggy summer sun made it feel like the longest walk of his life. By the time he was down the mountain, his clothes had fully dried stuck to his body, and his face was covered in sweat. Hopefully Karma wouldn’t say anything about the terrible smell. Nagisa preferred evening showers and, consequently, ended up skipping yesterday’s. He knew without even trying to smell himself that he reeked.

By the time he got to Karma’s house, he felt sticky and uncomfortable. He stared at the large, intricate door and shook his head quietly.

Shows and comics always make this sort of thing look like it’s nothing…maybe I should have tried to go back to the dorms last night instead of running up the mountain…at least I wouldn’t have been too wet by then…

And if his roommate had gotten mad at him for barging in, then oh well. 

Not that it mattered now. It was over, done with, and gone. 

Hesitantly, he lifted his hand and knocked tersely at the door. It only took moments for the door to swing open.

It was almost comical how Karma’s face went from casual and expectant to shocked and concerned. He stepped aside quickly, and Nagisa took that as his cue to step inside the house, the smell of various spices and room incense burning filling the air. It was a familiar scent that immediately calmed Nagisa’s nerves.

“What the hell?” Karma breathed, his mercury golden eyes skimming Nagisa up and down, before he reached over and grabbed Nagisa’s chin, jerking his face towards him as he leaned down to get a better look. “Have you been crying?”

“Not today…” Nagisa said, cringing a little at the sound of his voice. It sounded even worse than the previous night when he wept for Korosensei. He didn’t even sound like himself- like he’d swallowed a bunch of rusty old nails. Did he mention that he was extremely thirsty and his lips were dry? Funny how that worked.

Karma let go of him, his eyebrows furrowing. He sighed heavily. “You look like a sewer mouse. Go shower. I’ll leave some clothes for you.” He said. It almost felt like a routine at this point. Ever since Karma found out about his mother being physically abusive towards him, he’d been much more gentle with Nagisa. Not treating him any differently, just…opening up his doors more. It was nice- having someone he could truly go to when he was down.

Nagisa carefully toed his shoes off and gave a halfhearted nod, slipping past his friend and to the bathroom down the hallway.

When he shut the door behind him, he glanced at himself in the mirror and blanched. He thought he’d gotten a good look at himself in the water’s reflection earlier that morning, but seeing himself in the mirror was totally different. He looked way worse than he thought. Of course, he was also much more sweaty and red in the face from walking in the heat for a while, but still.

He slipped his clothes off of his body, wincing a little as he had to peel the sticky clothes off of him. The cool air felt good against his skin. So he turned the water on to a very lukewarm temperature, leaning more towards cold than warm.

It was insane how a simple shower felt like heaven.

He took care to wash himself- his hands and arms, face, body…even made sure that all of the mud was gone from underneath his fingernails. By the time he was done, he felt a little more like himself.

He stepped out of the shower, unsurprised to find some clothes on the counter, along with a towel. His dirty clothes were gone, which did surprise him. He always took care of his own clothes- but he supposed Karma was just trying to eliminate any possible obstacles so that they couldn’t delay their inevitable conversation.

Nagisa dried his body first, his blue eye flickering towards the mirror once again. He definitely looked a lot better- just more tired than anything. His eyes too, though, were more dull in color.

Once he was fully dried and dressed, he folded the towel up and set it aside, before exiting the bathroom and padding barefoot down the carpeted hallway. As he expected, he found Karma sitting on the floor with a look of deep concentration on his face. Nagisa silently joined him, sitting cross legged on the floor near him.

For a moment, it was silent. It was hard to tell if Karma knew he was there, or if he was struggling to find the right words. 

He got his answer soon enough.

“...Was it your mom?” Karma asked.

“You could say that,” Nagisa said and cleared his throat.

Karma reached over behind him, procuring a glass of water that he hadn’t noticed earlier. He held it out to him. Nagisa gave him a grateful look and took a drink. Honestly, the cold water touching his throat made it ache even more, but his mouth felt much better in comparison.

“So what happened?” Karma asked, his tone deceptively casual.

Nagisa took a deep, shuddering breath. “...Promise not to do anything irrational?”

“It would depend on what irrational means to me at that moment,” Karma replied simply.

Nagisa gave him a look.

Karma rolled his eyes. “Just tell me.”

Nagisa set his glass of water down, bringing his knees up to his chest and hugging them tightly. “...Karma. Have you ever mistaken me for a girl?” He began, his mind racing to try to figure out how he was going to go about this. His question must have caught Karma off guard, as his eyes widened a little. For a moment, Nagisa was sure that he was going to make a joke, or taunt him about getting his dick removed. But to his relief, Karma did no such thing- likely due to the grave tone Nagisa had asked him in.

“No. Anyone with eyes could see you’re a guy.”

“Even though my voice never changed? And my hips grew out?” Nagisa challenged.

Karma’s eyebrows furrowed. “I mean, for some I guess it would be hard to tell, but again, if people actually paid attention to you, they’d be able to tell if you’re a girl or a guy no matter what your hip size is. Why?”

Nagisa averted his gaze from Karma’s piercing one. He was appraising him, trying to determine what could possibly be on Nagisa’s mind before he could say anything. Normally, it would be easy for Karma, but there was no way that he’d be able to guess the utter betrayal he faced from his mother and father.

Should he just come out and say it? Try to ease him into it? What exactly was the appropriate way of saying “hey so my mom actually has been drugging me with estrogen and now my identity is forever fucked without my consent”? Preferably without utterly shocking the taller male.

Well…there really wasn’t any way to ease into that sort of conversation. Even the calmest people in the world would be shocked. And knowing Karma, he wouldn’t just be shocked. He’d be absolutely furious. 

Still, though- Karma said nothing, waiting patiently for Nagisa to gather his thoughts and speak up.

“I…was out with my dad,” Nagisa slowly began, discomfort swirling around his gut. He swallowed a heavy lump in his throat, tightening his grip on his knees. “Last night, for dinner. My roommate needed the place to himself. We- my dad and I, were talking and…he kind of let it slip that I was…drugged, growing up.”

“Drugged?” Karma echoed, his face growing more serious. He sat up fully, even leaning forward a little to stare at Nagisa with an almost harsh expression. “What do you mean?”

“Y-you know my mom’s always wanted a girl, right?” Nagisa asked. When Karma nodded in affirmation, he continued. “Well, apparently…she really went to the extremes to try to make me into her perfect daughter. She drugged me with estrogen for…an unknown period of time in my life. And…so she’s the reason why my voice…and my hips…and everything else…” His voice trailed off as he stared at Karma.

His face had gone cold. He didn’t just look furious- he looked like he could actually commit a crime. In a strange way, his reaction actually felt comforting to Nagisa- he was relieved that someone else could admit that what his mother did was messed up beyond belief. Glad that he wasn’t just overreacting.

Slowly, Karma shut his eyes and took a deep breath.

“So let me get this straight,” he said, his voice almost uncharacteristically flat. “She wanted a girl, she forced you to ingest estrogen and screwed your growth up, and through all that she still had the guts to physically, emotionally, and psychologically abuse you until you were black and blue and unable to ever even talk back to her?”

Nagisa looked down, slightly dazed by his words.

That…is a lot, when he says it that way…

“Tell me that you aren’t going to go see that crazy bitch again.” Karma said, his voice almost detached. “Your answer might sway me into not going after her myself.”

“D-definitely don’t go after her! She’s still my mom!” Nagisa found himself saying quickly, sitting upright and letting go of his legs to hold his hands up in surrender.

Karma barked out a harsh, almost demeaning laugh. “She’s still your mom? Really? You’re going to go with that? After she’s abused you in just about every sense of the word? For god’s sake, Nagisa-” he slammed his fist against the wall, turning his cold mercury gaze towards him. “She’s batshit. At this point, if you don’t cut her off, she’s just going to make you spiral more and more. Enough with the childish excuses for her- look at you! You’re a mess!”

“I- I know, but…” Nagisa looked away from him, unable to truly look him in the eye. “I mean, I can’t forgive her. Not right now, especially. But I still don’t want her getting hurt. I won’t go see her- and if I do, it won’t be for a long time. So don’t go after her? Please.”

Karma took a few deep breaths, visibly trying to calm down. He leaned back against the wall, and although he still looked really tense, he seemed to at least be collecting himself. Finally, he looked Nagisa up and down, before asking in an oddly subdued voice, “are you okay?”

“I was worse last night,” Nagisa admitted. “But I…I’ve processed it.”

“But that doesn’t answer my question,” Karma pointed out. “In fact, dare I say, you’re actively avoiding it.”

Nagisa gnawed on his lower lip. It was true- as much as he didn’t want to admit it, but he was definitely avoiding Karma’s question. It was such a strange thing- he came out seeking Karma’s comfort, and yet now that he was faced with the most basic of all questions in such a scenario, he couldn’t bring himself to really admit it. It almost felt like it was an admission of his own weakness, even though logically, he knew that wasn’t the case at all. He didn’t think he could cry anymore even if he really wanted to; he’d cried plenty the night before, and yet, he felt like he was so close to breaking with his best friend’s eyes on him, as if ready to call him out at any moment.

It didn’t matter if he lied. Karma would just see right through him anyway.

“No.” He whispered. “I’m not okay.”

At this, Karma’s expression softened slightly, and he looked away from him, holding one arm out in a silent invitation.

Nagisa didn’t hesitate this time. He scooted closer until he was right beside Karma, burying his face in the side of his chest, with his body now wrapped snugly under Karma’s arm.

To his surprise, tears filled his eyes yet again, and dripped down his face at rapid speeds. He didn’t apologize for it, though. He knew that there was no need for it when Karma already knew Nagisa wasn’t okay and would probably end up in tears again. So, he cried.

He cried not quite as hard as he had the previous night, but hard enough to surprise even himself.

The whole time, Karma merely held him with one arm and didn’t say a word. It was impossible to tell what the younger male was thinking now, but to Nagisa, it didn’t really matter. 

Crying on Karma versus crying by himself felt very different. He’d felt alone and cold before, but now he felt as though he was truly releasing all of the grief and pain he’d felt- like he was able to properly try to move on from the heavy betrayal he felt. It was…kind of nice, really.

When Nagisa pulled back, a bit calmer than before, He sat back against the wall while Karma dropped his arm. The two stayed there in silence, neither really knowing what to say. Or maybe they both knew that words weren’t needed. It was hard to tell- but again, it really didn’t matter.

“...You mentioned before…” Karma spoke after a long, drawn out, comfortable silence. “That your roommate sometimes kicks you out for a while. If you ever need a place to stay, you know my door’s always open.”

“I just don’t want to get in your way,” Nagisa shook his head. “If I became a distraction for you…”

“Please,” Karma snorted. “Do you seriously think your presence could distract me from accomplishing my goals? My mind isn’t that fragile. Hell, if you need to stay here during the breaks, it’s fine. I don’t care. But I don’t think it’s a good idea to go back to the woman who ruined your life.”

“...If it’s really okay,” Nagisa said quietly, “then I might have to take you up on that.”

“You better.” Karma wrapped an arm around Nagisa’s neck, bringing him down for a noogie. “I might have to kill you if you don’t.”

Nagisa let out a string of complaints, squirming to get out of his hold, all while letting out a genuine laugh at his words. Kill was a word that many people used easily in their everyday speech- whether it be joking around with a friend or venting about someone. But to Nagisa and Karma, the word felt nostalgic, fond, and it made them feel united as one once again.

Once he let go of Nagisa, Karma stood up, stretching his arms out. “I’ll go make something. I was about to cook myself some breakfast anyway, so I may as well make sure you don’t keel over while you’re here.”

“I’m not starving, I ate yesterday,” Nagisa let out a small laugh.

“Tell that to your reflection,” Karma physically waved him off and walked out of the room, leaving Nagisa in his room to quietly smile.

…Thank you…Karma.