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Chapter Text

Part 1: One Final Effort:

Blair, The loft, early evening:

Cursing under his breath, Blair fumbled with cold-numbed fingers to fit the key into the lock of #307. Finally succeeding, he stepped inside the loft and shut the door behind him with more force than necessary, but his anger and resentful frustration needed at least some sort of outlet. Dropping his leather attaché case to the floor, he grimaced as he ran his hand through his short but still abundant curls, which were presently sopping wet and sticking uncomfortably to his scalp. My karma must truly suck! he thought grimly as he took stock of his condition, having once again been caught out by the vagaries of Cascade’s notoriously fickle weather patterns. He could feel the weight of his sodden suitcoat, and the cold drops that trickled down the back of his formal collar and tie while his feet squelched inside his only pair of dress shoes. Shrugging out of his suitcoat, he hung it on the hooks by the door as a temporary measure before toeing off his shoes. As an afterthought, he also shed his wet socks, knowing for sure that Jim wouldn’t appreciate wet sock footprints on his hardwood floors, even though a small, petulant voice inside urged him to do just that ‘just because!’

Glowering darkly, he clung on determinedly to his black mood, because at least it took his mind off his current chilled state, intending to grab a hot shower in an effort to thaw out. And since he was presently alone, and didn’t expect Jim to return any time soon, he also shed his wet pants, hanging them up with the suitcoat. He knew he’d have to get the suit dried and cleaned as soon as possible as it was the only one he possessed, and just hoped that it was salvageable after all since he resented spending money on clothing at the best of times. As his designated ‘court outfit’ it didn’t have to come out all that often, and he didn’t see the point in buying another one until he had to. Same went for the dress shoes, and he threw a disgusted glare at them before turning away.

As he crossed the floor, heading for the bathroom via his small, under-stairs bedroom in order to grab a suit of warm sweats and some dry underwear, he couldn’t help but bemoan his present mindset, guilty as it made him feel about himself. He might once have been known for his cheerful optimism and ‘glass half full’ personality, but that had long gone, mostly crushed by circumstances out of his control, although his lips tightened in undeserved self-condemnation for the loss. In this instance, the heavens had opened as he had left the Courthouse where he had been called upon to appear as an expert witness, and by the time he had completed the short distance to his vehicle – a pre-owned hybrid SUV which had replaced his beloved but now undriveable Volvo – he had been thoroughly soaked.

A short while later, much warmer, thanks to using up nearly all the hot water available in the shower; and wryly acknowledging that his shorter hairstyle was much easier to deal with; he padded back to the kitchen dressed in his warmest sweats and thick socks to make himself a cup of tea. His mood had lightened somewhat as his comfort levels rose, so at least he was in a better frame of mind to ponder upon the case he had been involved in this time even though inevitably it would lead to considering the circumstances and actions that had brought him to this point. And that in its turn would inevitably renew the depression which now sat on his shoulders like a physical weight.

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In the aftermath of the dreadful ‘diss disaster’ and subsequent press conference, almost two years ago now, Blair had honestly believed that he had destroyed his reputation both at the PD and Rainier and was resigned to the inevitability of leaving Jim and Cascade, although to do what, he had had no idea at the time. He and Jim had barely been speaking, and his guilt over the shooting incident that had cut down Simon and Megan had weighed heavily on his mind. Even Jim’s halting, half-assed apology when he had said that Blair was the best partner he’d ever had had done nothing to convince Blair that he had any sort of future at the loft to look forward to, and he had already been making arrangements to leave quietly with Naomi as soon as he was assured of Simon’s and Megan’s recovery.

Even after helping Jim to take down Zeller despite Jim’s being shot in the leg they still hadn’t really talked over the situation, so he had had no inkling whatsoever about the ‘badge offer’, which is why it had affected him so deeply. Sure, it had come as a huge relief that his friends in Major Crimes still cared about him, and the fact that Simon had been prepared to go to such lengths to secure the badge was heart-warming and gratifying indeed, but he had known even as he clutched the leather wallet to him that it was never going to fly, and it hadn’t taken that much persuasion to convince both Simon and Jim that he was right. Yes, they had huffed and puffed, Jim especially, affronted that he had the nerve to turn down their cobbled-together attempt to provide him with some sort of compensation for what he had lost, but at the end of the day Blair knew that Simon had been quietly relieved, especially since it had led eventually to a much better arrangement albeit with a good deal of help from various other friends and colleagues.

Sipping his tea, Blair found once again that even now he couldn’t quite get over the gratitude and awe he had felt when several people important to him had stood up for him rather than accept his claim of fraudulence. Of course, Jim and Simon had known the truth anyway, as had Megan, but apparently virtually all of their colleagues in MCU had figured out for themselves that Jim’s ‘edge’ was something special, and that it was Blair that had made it work. Not that Blair had ever confirmed their suspicions, even now insisting that the Sentinel paper was a work of fiction, but they just grinned, patted him on the shoulder and accepted the fact that he had been prepared to fall on his sword for his partner in an attempt to make amends for the mess his mother had created with the best of intentions.

Of course, there were others in other departments who were less forgiving, but by and large they kept their distance and disgust to themselves in view of the protective shield the Major Crimes personnel and virtually all the admin staff were prepared to throw around their adopted mascot.

With encouragement from the likes of Jack Kelso and Dr Eli Stoddard, Blair was urged to sue Sid Graham and Berkshire Publishing for the release of his intellectual property without his consent, which had led to a fairly sizeable out-of-court settlement – and Sid Graham being fired for bringing the publishers into disrepute. And it had to be said that neither Blair nor Naomi shed any tears over that outcome. Likewise, when threatened with a similar court action on account of Chancellor Edwards’ equally culpable behaviour, Rainier’s Board of Governors grudgingly offered a public apology and the admission that the Sentinel paper had never been submitted after all. They were also prepared to grant Blair his doctorate on the merits of the alternative paper he had already written on the PD as a closed society using the mounds of data he had gathered while riding with Jim. It was done quietly and without ceremony, which suited Blair only too well, and although he was told in no uncertain terms that he wouldn’t be reinstated in his teaching role, he was allowed to enrol in the additional courses in Criminology and Forensic Anthropology which he had decided to do as a result of the developments within the PD created on his behalf, provided that he limit his presence on campus for the duration of said studies and sever his ties after that. It was a petty-minded and deeply upsetting demand considering his many years of loyalty to the institution, but he resigned himself to it even as he was grateful for the small mercies he had been granted.

Although at the time he had fervently tried to dissuade Jim from doing so, Jim had gone ahead and ‘fessed up to the Chief of Police and the Commissioner about his senses, insisting that he still needed Blair to back him up. Blair knew only too well that it wasn’t something Jim did lightly, but his partner was determined to do right by Blair after reacting so badly towards him, the honourable man within seeing no alternative course of action. The upshot was that the Commissioner held another press conference wherein he stated that Blair had acted unselfishly on behalf of the PD in order to draw the attention of the media away from the pursuit of a vital case, and making a point of lambasting the press for interfering in police business. Unsurprisingly, the explanation didn’t satisfy everyone, but it was enough to divert public attention away from him such that he felt able to remain in Cascade and follow the new path he had set himself, fully believing that it was something Jim wanted him to do.

Buoyed up with the conviction that it was his destiny, Blair had signed up for his extra courses after receiving his doctorate, working hard to complete them in record time so that he could apply for the position of official consultant to the PD, something the Chief and Commissioner were happy to create since there was no way they wanted to lose their best performing investigative team.

That had been around six months ago now, and it had to be said that Blair had made a pretty good effort at creating and maintaining a solid reputation for hard work and satisfactory results despite his chequered past. If he had had a mind to do so, he could have taken real pride in his successes, but despite all his endeavours, things hadn’t turned out as he had fondly expected, and that had nothing to do with his present career, sad to say. He had kept his head down and worked diligently to re-establish himself in a rather different mould, beginning with the haircut he had insisted would never happen. Yes, he still wore the hoops in his ears on occasion in a tiny show of defiance, but generally speaking his dress and demeanour were more muted and self-contained, much to the dismay of his closer friends, and Jim also if he had but known it. Self-effacing rather than forward and garrulous, the bounce long gone from his step, he believed that this more mature persona was what was now required of him.

Having said that, it had certainly worked in his favour when it came to his role as an expert witness, which was gathering strength month by month as he impressed judges and attorneys of both persuasions alike with his knowledge and insights, offered sincerely and without condescension. Whenever the question of his self-confessed fraudulence came up, he quietly reiterated the Commissioner’s statement as regards the reason behind his sacrifice, and the fact that he had received his doctorate after all generally knocked that snide line of implied misconduct on its head before it could take hold and undermine his credibility.

This most recent court appearance had been a case in point since he had been called to speak on behalf of a young gay man accused of murdering his abusive boyfriend. The prosecution had been skating on very thin ice since the overwhelming body of material evidence as well as other witness’ testimonies bore out the young man’s claim of acting in self-defence. However, the victim was a well-connected scion of one of Cascade’s wealthiest families, and they wanted their pound of flesh and were prepared to pay the best legal representative they could find to get it. Said legal counsel took pride in his ability to reduce witnesses to either tears of frustration or fury, but on this occasion none of his attempts to rattle Blair had worked. True, the inner Blair had been deeply hurt and upset by the continuous needling and insinuations, but he had kept his outward cool anyway, maintaining a quiet dignity and steadfastly refusing to rise to the bait such that his sincerity and conviction had undoubtedly helped the jury to make up its mind to accept unanimously the accused’s plea of self-defence and for the murder charge be dropped immediately.

Running over the case again in his mind, Blair supposed that he ought to feel a certain amount of pride in his achievements on behalf of the young accused, but somehow he couldn’t find it in him to do so. And unfortunately he knew exactly why that should be. It had nothing to do with his new career, and everything to do with his desperately unsatisfactory private life. A life for which he had had such high hopes, and which now fuelled his ever-present and growing despair and depression.

True, the majority of his colleagues and acquaintances had no idea of the depths of his inner pain as he had ever been a consummate actor, trying not to inflict his problems on anyone else, but even so his closer friends could read the signs and felt for him, doing their best to buoy him up even if his cheerful responses to their efforts were painfully forced. But it was a sad fact that the one person who could have made the difference was either blissfully unaware of the situation – highly unlikely – or simply not prepared to do anything about it.

Jim. His adored sentinel, purported best friend and secret love of his life. Blair’s expression reflected his profound unhappiness at both the present situation and his part in creating it, even if unwittingly. Despite their problems in the months prior to the whole dissertation debacle, Blair had convinced himself that he was right to hang on in there, believing that he was where he was meant to be, at his sentinel’s side. The evidence was clear insofar as his experience at their merging at the fountain was concerned, even though he had been desperately disappointed when Jim had declined to accept it at the time. Knowing how wary his friend was of anything remotely smacking of the unknown or spiritual, Blair had shelved his own hurt in order to try and get Jim to change his attitude – see Blair for what he was and what he wanted to do for Jim, his dedication to the man and the sentinel still potent and the all-important focus of his existence. But apparently it was all in vain.

Oh yes, they still worked together as an exceptionally successful partnership when riding together on the occasions when Jim admitted that he was probably going to have to use his senses to the max and needed Blair to watch his back, but more and more he had shown Blair that he could cope now under most circumstances, apparently finally accepting his gift as an integral part of him and no longer fighting them. Tests were a thing of the past, zones were rare now, and since his ability was an open secret in Major Crimes anyway, his fellow detectives knew enough now to at least cover for him should he become incapacitated without Blair’s presence until he could pull himself back on his own. And as someone who had always needed to be needed, it was desperately hurtful for Blair to have this reality repeatedly shoved down his throat. Apparently he wasn’t the ‘guide’ Jim needed - according to Brackett’s terminology – after all, and his previous dearly held pleasure and pride in this misconception was embarrassingly galling.

It wasn’t that Jim was unkind or derogatory towards his roommate – far from it, in fact. Indeed these days he was much more forgiving and understanding where Blair was concerned, but it simply wasn’t Jim. He was thoughtful to a degree, and quietly supportive of Blair’s efforts and successes, but as a polite acquaintance, not the real friend of their early days, warts and all notwithstanding. There was no feeling of camaraderie anymore and long gone were the days of just kicking back together, enjoying a beer as they watched Jags games on TV, exchanging ribald commentaries and jokes at the players’ expense. They still shared the same loft space, plus the everyday chores, and Blair could now afford to pay his way properly in terms of rent and expenses, but their lifestyle was almost like a practical working relationship rather than the warm friendship they had once shared. And it was breaking Blair’s heart.

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Jim, same evening.

“Yo, babe, you OK?” H’s worried question broke Jim’s concentration for a moment, but he bit back the snappish retort he wanted to make. In fact, he wasn’t particularly ‘OK’, but since it was only the low-grade headache he had suffered from for months now, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary and he had learned to ignore it, inasmuch as you could ignore something that hung around like an irritating acquaintance who never got the message that he was unwanted. Indeed, the only time it let up was when he was with Blair, but there was no way he was going to admit that to the young man. The kid was making real progress in his new career, even if it was hardly his first choice, and there was no way Jim wanted to interfere by whining that he needed his friend’s presence more than he’d ever expected or wanted. He was done with being the self-centred asshole he’d been for too long, especially where Blair was concerned, and was now paying the price for his attitude – as well he should, in his opinion. Finally responding to his colleague’s query, he grinned wryly and shook his head.

“Nah, H, it’s nothing. Just a bit of a headache is all. Guess the boredom’s getting to me, huh?”

“If you’re sure, man,” H replied, not looking particularly convinced. “Don’t look like anything’s going down tonight after all, so if you want to get off home, it’s OK with me.”

Appreciating the younger man’s concern, but not needing it, Jim shook his head again. “Don’t sweat it, H. I’m fine. But I think you’re right. If there was anything going down next door, it would have happened by now, so I reckon we could both make tracks.”

The pair of them were actually on stakeout in an abandoned workshop, surveilling the activity in the neighbouring building. Acting on the information provided by one of H’s trusted snitches, they were looking for proof that the next big shipment of meth arriving for distribution by Barney O’Sullivan’s gang of hoods had either come in already or was on its way. It would normally be something carried out by H and his usual partner, Brian Rafe, but as Rafe was off right now, languishing in bed with ‘flu, Jim had volunteered to stand in instead. Anything to keep him busy and away from the loft.

As it happened, everything Jim had heard up until now suggested that the shipment was a couple of days away yet, so they might as well call it a night after all. However, just as he was about to comment to H to that effect, H somewhat diffidently asked him another question on a completely different subject, momentarily throwing him for a loop as he hurriedly sought a reasonable explanation without blowing his top.

“Hey, Jim, babe, can I ask you somethin’? I mean, I don’t want to pry, but me and the others in MCU have been wonderin’. Is Hairboy OK, man? He just isn’t the Hairboy we know and love anymore – although we love him as he is, if you get my meaning. It’s just that he’s so quiet now. Subdued, like he’s always afraid of saying the wrong thing, you dig? I mean, we all know he’s making a great job of his new role and his rep’s pretty solid again now, but he’s just not the same, as if he’s afraid that the other shoe’ll drop anytime now. Why should that be, man? We’re all rooting for him, so what – or who’s - he afraid of?”

Scrubbing his face with his hands to give himself a little more time, Jim tried for humorous distraction to begin with. “Not so much of a ‘Hairboy’ now, H, since he’s had his hair cut. And yes, he’s making a great job of his consultancy role. But as for him being quiet, well, it’s not really surprising, is it? It’s not so long since the whole press conference mess, and I reckon he’s wise to keep his head down. Notoriety has a habit of lingering longer than fame as we all know, even if it is unearned, and there are still those out there who blame him for what happened.”

H frowned at that, then abruptly decided to take the bull by the horns. “And are you one of those folks, Jim? Do you still hold it against him, even if it was his mom’s doing? ‘Cos if that’s so, no wonder he always looks like a kicked puppy when you ignore him.”

That really made Jim bridle in affront, and he glared at his colleague, although to his credit, H stood his ground. “What do you mean, I ignore him? What makes you say that? Jesus, H, he’s still living at the loft. We’re roommates, fer Christ’s sake. We see each other every day!”

However, H continued doggedly, clearly on a roll. “Then how come you act like polite strangers in the bullpen, man? You still work together really well, and we all know you’re a great combination, but when was the last time you joshed around like you guys used to? Are you as stiff with him at home too? What more does he have to do for you to forgive him?”

It was shock at the unexpected accusation that robbed Jim of his speech for a moment while he gaped at his colleague in real bewilderment. Eventually shaking himself out of it, he ground out, “Forgive him? I don’t know what you mean, man. For god’s sake, I encouraged him to stay on at the PD even if not as a cop, as did Simon, and I’ve done my bit to fix his rep within the unit. I told him he could stay on at the loft and backed him up when he told me he wanted to take those extra classes at Rainier. I’ve even told him I don’t blame him for the release of the diss, although he should have taken more care not to have left his laptop at the mercy of his interfering mother. What more do you expect me to have done? To do?”

H studied him speculatively for a moment, head tilted to one side as he considered Jim’s vehement reply. “That’s all well and good, babe,” he murmured eventually, “and yeah, once you got over yourself you have done what was needed in order to fix up his career. But what about you, babe? For all else you’ve done in the name of decency, you haven’t really forgiven him, have you? You’re still treating him like an ‘ex’ with irreconcilable differences!

“Sure, you don’t yell at him – at least, not in the bullpen where we can hear it - but perhaps you should! Perhaps he needs you to get mad at him so he can get mad back and you can settle your differences and get back to the way you were. The Jim we know is a plenty bad-tempered SOB when he wants to be, and you being so polite to your best friend just isn’t natural. No wonder he looks so confused and unhappy. Why wouldn’t he?”

Jim glanced away at that, realising that, despite his indignation at being thus targeted, H had the right of it. It was true. He was treating Blair like an ‘ex’, except that he had never cared as deeply for Carolyn as he had – still did – for Blair, even without the sexual element. But he had honestly believed that he was doing the right thing – the only thing he could think of to allow his young friend to move forward instead of forever hanging around waiting for Jim to confess what he really felt. What he really needed. Because he simply didn’t think it was fair to expect such a bright and generous personality to remain with him for life just because Jim wanted him to.

But what if H and his colleagues in MCU were right? Maybe he didn’t have the right to make that decision without discussing everything with Blair himself. Maybe it was still those damned fear-based responses that were directing his actions and behaviours.

And just maybe he ought to man up and confront his roommate at last. It may well be that Blair would gently decline his offer of a deeper relationship; and who could blame him after everything Jim had put him through? But there was also the possibility that Blair still cared enough about him to try and patch up their friendship, at least on a platonic level, because the gods only knew how much Jim missed his friend. His Blair, and not the diffident ghost who currently inhabited that beloved body, at least where his dealings with Jim were concerned.

Nodding decisively he turned to face H again. “You’re right, H. I have been behaving like a prick towards Blair because I thought it was the right thing to do. And even if it was hard to hear, I thank you for telling it like it is. Know what? I’m going to suck it up and make one last effort to make amends. Try and make it up to Blair once and for all. Wish me luck?”

Face now wreathed in smiles, H clapped him on the shoulder. “Fuckin’ A, babe! Go for it, Jim, and good luck! Make me proud, babe! We’re all rooting for you and Blair both,” and with that they left together, easy camaraderie restored, and with Jim feeling more upbeat and hopeful than he’d felt in months.

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Part 2: Concerted Effort:

Quietly letting himself into the loft, Jim closed the door softly behind him and looked over to where Blair slumped on the sofa, sound asleep. He already knew that his roomie was at home, his actions purely instinctive as he automatically checked for Blair’s presence, but this time he actually did a thorough scan of the young man’s condition and wasn’t at all happy at what he discerned. The darkened room was no hindrance to sentinel sight, and although Blair looked incredibly youthful in sleep, his skin was paler and far more drawn than it should be, with dark rings around his closed eyes and Jim’s heart clenched in sympathy as he detected the faint, dried tracks of a few tears on the whiskered cheeks. Moving quietly to stand over the smaller form, Jim frowned at the clear loss of weight, apparent despite the bulky sweats in which Blair was swathed. Why hadn’t he noticed that before? How could he not have noticed? But he answered himself immediately. Because he hadn’t been looking. Hadn’t wanted to see what was right in front of his eyes because it was more comfortable to keep his distance both physically and mentally unless the job required it. He had convinced himself months ago that he was acting appropriately, for once thinking of what was best for Blair rather than his own needs and wants, but it was clear now that that attitude in itself was selfish. He could tell himself that it was the noble thing to do until he was blue in the face, but his very behaviour must have seemed like an ongoing punishment to one who placed such store in talking things over and the power of communication.

Not that Blair hadn’t been guilty of that on occasion too, even if for the best of reasons, and Jim forced his thoughts away from the instances when such mutual failures had led to dire consequences, especially for Blair. Alex Barnes was still the stuff of nightmares for them both and the fallout from the diss mess remained obstinately between them whether Jim admitted it or not.

But how often had he firmly, if gently shut down any and all of Blair’s efforts to discuss their situation over the past months? So many that he couldn’t actually remember the last time Blair had tried to mention anything not work-related other than superficial generalities, and with the clarity of hindsight he understood that that was when Blair must have given up and begun a slow slide into depression. A depression that apparently all their friends and acquaintances could see, but which he had deliberately ignored. Because he didn’t want to acknowledge the truth of it. Coward that you are! his conscience admonished him.

Well, damn. That home truth hit him where it hurt all right, but also hardened his determination to do something about it – and pray that he hadn’t left it too late.

Carefully pulling the afghan from the back of the sofa to drape over the lax form, he settled down in the chair catty corner and prepared to watch over his friend for a while. It did occur to him that perhaps he should carry the smaller man to bed, but shelved the idea, because he figured that if Blair woke during the short trip he would undoubtedly react with indignation on account of perceived emasculation, even though that was the furthest concept in Jim’s mind. Indeed, the opposite was true insofar as he considered his young guide to be the bravest person he’d ever known for so many reasons. Not that Blair would ever admit to being anything but a peace-loving coward, which was so far from the truth to be almost laughable to anyone who actually knew him. Small he might be in comparison to Jim and Simon, but he had a core of inner strength which was mind-boggling on the occasions when he was forced to use it. And as for thinking on his feet, well, Jim had had cause on so many occasions to be grateful for his partner’s quick-witted responses. Smiling wryly to himself, Jim made himself comfortable and relaxed.

It was getting on for midnight before Blair began to stir, and Jim immediately sat up in anticipation. He grinned softly as the young man blinked and yawned, clearly not fully aware yet of where he was and who was watching. A few seconds later he frowned and squinted over at Jim, and Jim couldn’t help but think how cute his friend looked with his hair every which way and dark beard shadow. “Jim? ‘Zat you?” he rasped. “Wassup?”

Jim chuckled at that. “You, kiddo, I hope. You need to get to your bed and get some proper rest. I’ll give you a hand if you like, because I don’t think any more time spent on that sofa is going to do you any good.”

He watched as his friend grew more alert, dismayed when Blair’s face took on a guilty cast. “Oh, man, I’m sorry, Jim. Didn’t mean to crash out down here for so long. But I thought you were on stakeout with H? I didn’t expect you back tonight.”

“It’s fine, Chief. There wasn’t anything much going on,” and he tapped his ear suggestively. “So I told H what I’d heard, and that there probably won’t be any activity for another couple of days, so we decided to call it a night and come home. No big deal.”

“Ah, that’s good, man. So, I’ll get off to bed, OK?”

Not liking the diffidence in Blair’s tone, but not really surprised at it, Jim grinned wryly. “It’s fine, kiddo. But as I’m going in later tomorrow, unless you have to get off early, I’d like for us to have a talk in the morning. There’s a few things I need to tell you, and I’ve left it far too long.”

The flash of astonished curiosity in his guide’s big blue eyes was quickly replaced by one of trepidation, and to his shame Jim could easily understand what must be passing through Blair’s mind. He didn’t need to be a telepath to guess that the young man expected to be shown the door after marking time for so long, wondering when Jim’s patience would finally run out.

“Hey, it’s fine, Chief,” he said hastily, needing to reassure his partner before Blair spent a sleepless night dreading the morning’s discussion. “It’s nothing to worry about, honest. Just need to clear up a few things at long last, OK? I know I have some serious ‘splainin’ to do,” he snickered ruefully.

Looking a little more relieved, but no less curious, Blair nodded. “Um, OK, Jim. So, see you in the morning? Sleep well, man,” and with that he offered Jim a warm smile and turned for the bathroom, intending to make a quick pit stop before getting into his small bed under the stairs. He might have been somewhat reassured by Jim’s words, but he knew he wouldn’t be getting much sleep either, wondering what exactly his sentinel and friend had on his mind.

As for Jim, he did the rounds of checking the loft on autopilot as he contemplated the outcome of their talk with no little trepidation himself. He might be prepared to open himself up to Blair at last, but couldn’t help feeling that he’d left it too long, and that Blair couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to accept what he had to say. And that would hardly be the young man’s fault. He had hung in there grimly for years now, determined to do right by Jim, only to be rebuffed time and time again, even if over the past couple of years since the diss debacle it had been politely and as painlessly impersonal as Jim could manage. He ruefully accepted that it was no basis for trust, but he had to hope that Blair was still the generous, good-hearted soul he had always been, especially where Jim was concerned. And on that thought, he finally fell into a fitful sleep.

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It was a frazzled and sleep-deprived Blair who stumbled his way from bedroom to bathroom the following morning, and after taking care of business, he didn’t feel a whole lot more awake after washing his hands and splashing his face with cold water. Peering myopically into the bathroom mirror, he grimaced at the beard-darkened, sunken-eyed and sallow image that stared back at him. His curls might be shorter now, but they still seemed to take on a life of their own overnight, and even rubbing wet hands through them didn’t do much to tame them. Sighing in self-disgust, he straightened his shoulders as he mentally prepared to face up to Jim this morning for the promised ‘talk’, and it had to be said that he wasn’t exactly blasé about the proposition. After all, despite Jim’s words of reassurance last night, Blair couldn’t help but be concerned that there was something momentous in the offing. Because let’s face it, he thought morosely, Jim doesn’t talk! and he was unhappily aware that virtually all their problems had arisen because of that ingrained habit. And it wasn’t all down to Jim either, as he freely admitted to himself. Yes, he was all for bringing things out into the open and discussing their thoughts and opinions, and he was well aware of his reputation for chattering on even when his listeners were clearly out of patience, but when it had come down to particular instances which had had the capability to seriously damage their relationship, he hadn’t held up his end of the bargain either. Despite constantly badgering Jim in the past to open up to him, when push came to shove he had allowed Jim to blow him off when he had tried to tell him about Alex, deciding that it was better to keep the two sentinels apart for their own safety. And look where that had landed him! And let’s not think about the diss mess, he scolded himself roundly. Communication could have saved them both a whole lot of heartache, but what was done was done, and they were still working their way through the aftermath. There was no comfort in thinking about ‘if only’ now. Pasting what he hoped was a genuine enough smile on his face, he pushed open the door and headed for the kitchen where a freshly showered and dressed Jim was pottering around setting up the coffee machine and taking out the fixings for a proper breakfast.

As it happened, he wasn’t the one suffering that morning. Jim too had spent a relatively disturbed night wondering if he was doing the right thing after all in promising to open up to Sandburg. His natural reticence was going to be hell to override, and he was desperately afraid that it would be for nothing after all. Just leaving himself open to ridicule and abandonment even though he figured that Blair would be gentle in his brush-off. After all Jim had put him through, why should the young man believe him when he said he was determined to change his ways? He wasn’t even sure himself whether he was even capable of being the man Blair needed him to be, so why should Blair think any different? But unless he went through with it, neither of them would ever know for sure, and if he carried on in the same vein as the past couple of years, surely Blair would eventually give up in despair of ever getting through to his erstwhile best friend, and who could blame him? Certainly not Jim. Hearing the bedroom door open and listening to his roomie shuffling to the bathroom, he stomped down on his fears and busied himself with preparing coffee and breakfast, anything to take his mind off what was about to occur.

When Blair reached the kitchen, his grin widened in gratitude as a smiling Jim handed him a mug of fresh coffee. “There you go, Chief. You look like you could do with that!”

“Thanks, man, you are a star!” Blair voiced his appreciation as he took the offered beverage. However, his pleasure evaporated rapidly when he realised abruptly that Jim wasn’t as laid back as he made out. A consummate observer, Blair was shocked to catch the swift change in Jim’s expression as he turned away to continue preparing breakfast. The smiling lips thinned to a pained grimace and a watchful and highly perceptive Blair noted worriedly that his friend’s movements were taut with tension rather than resembling the feline grace which he normally associated with the sentinel. Oh, it would be barely noticeable to most folks, but Blair wasn’t just any eye-witness. Jim’s senses might be tuned in to his guide’s every movement and bodily function, but Blair more than anyone was able to read his friend, and he didn’t like the conclusion he came up with at all. For all Jim’s words of reassurance last night, it was clear to Blair that this was it, and with a sinking heart he tried vainly to face up to the devastating realisation that there was nothing he could do about it. Best to get in first and put Jim out of his misery.

“Ah, Jim, man, can I say something?” he began diffidently. “Can you look at me, please?”

Frowning now in consternation and no little apprehension, Jim slowly turned to face his roomie. “Sure, Chief. What’s on your mind?” he replied cautiously.

“Um, it’s just that I get it, man. Really. And don’t worry that I’m going to be difficult, Jim. I’ve been here for getting on for five years and counting, and I know you’ve been more than generous and patient. Hell, Jim, I’m almost thirty-two years old and still hanging out under your stairs like some household troll or something! I should have given you your space back months – years – ago, and I’m so sorry. It’s not like we won’t still see each other at the PD almost every day just in case you still need me on occasion, but let’s face it, man. You don’t really need me anymore to help with the senses – haven’t for years now - and I’m so proud of how you have accepted them now. It’s a privilege to watch you work, Jim, even though I’m still so sorry that you had to come clean, at least to a few folks that mattered.

“And don’t worry about me either, man. I can afford to get my own place now, and I really do like my job, honest! I’m still practising anthropology even if not in academia anymore, and whatever you might believe, I’m cool with that. After the way TPTB at Rainier treated me, I know I’m well out of it, although I still do keep in touch with the few people who really matter to me too.

“So that’s it, man. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you’ve done for me – and Simon too – and I can start looking for a place as soon as, OK?” Finally running out of steam, and hoping that of all the bodily functions Jim could sense in him he couldn’t hear his heart breaking, although he was sure he could feel it for himself, he offered his sentinel a wan smile. However, if he had expected Jim to be relieved, he couldn’t have been more wrong. The older man had blanched dramatically, his eyes widening in shock and disbelief as he struggled to hold back his panic.

“God, no, Chief! You can’t mean it! You can’t go! I can’t let you! That’s the very last thing I’ll ever ask you to do again. I know – I know folks think that I’ve been a real cold prick since you gave up everything for me, but I thought I was doing you a favour. Trying to be supportive rather than condemning you, and believing that you were better off without feeling that you had to constantly watch over me and the senses. Selfish much? You bet!

“It might not seem like it, but I do still need you, Chief. Your presence truly is still the only thing that grounds me and allows me to really relax. Not that I want to put pressure on you. That’s not fair on you and never was. But if you’ll agree to stay on here, Chief, I promise I’ll do my best to change. To convince you that you’re wanted and needed by this old, balding cop!”

To say that Blair was shocked to the core by Jim’s protestations would be an understatement to say the least. It was so completely opposite to what he was expecting that for long moments he was at a loss, trying to get his head around his sentinel and friend’s confession. Jim wanted him? Still needed him even though they only rode together sporadically now. Who was this, and where did they hide the pod?

Eventually pulling himself together enough to make a coherent response, Blair grinned wryly up into Jim’s anxious face. “I don’t want you to change, man. Not like you mean, anyhow. I only want you to go back to being the man - the good friend – I knew in our early days together. When I truly believed I’d found the best friend I’d ever had or would ever want. I miss those days, Jim, so very much. I know it’s not really possible to turn back the clock – way too much water under bridge for that – but it would be so good to try. What do you say?”

The overt hope and relief on Jim’s face was answer enough even though Blair knew only too well that it wouldn’t be as easy as that. “I say yes, Chief, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for at least agreeing to give me one more chance.

“Look, I’m going to have to go in to work soon, but can we meet for lunch? My treat. And not Wonderburger either, I promise! How about that new Thai place on Franch Street? We can continue our discussion there if you want. Or just hang out if that’s what you’d prefer. Whatever you say, Chief. Blair.”

“Sounds like a plan, Jim. I have to go in myself in a while as I have paperwork to finish up from yesterday’s court case, but Thai sounds great. Around 1.00 ish? That work for you?”

“Works just fine, Chief. But now we’d better get breakfast over with, eh? The sooner we get to the PD, the sooner we can finish up the boring stuff and enjoy lunch together.”

--------------------

When Blair arrived in the bullpen a short while after Jim, he headed towards his desk and intercepted a warm, almost shy smile from his sentinel. Responding with a similar one of his own, he felt his heart lift at the small but encouraging sign of Jim’s determination to change for the better, although he was far too careful these days to lay himself open for further disappointment. Hard-earned self-preservation warned him to take care of his heart and not let hope override commonsense. But he sure as hell wanted things to improve between them, even now willing to do his part in repairing their presently somewhat dysfunctional relationship. He still loved – would undoubtedly always love – both Jim the man and the sentinel, but this had to be the last time he made that effort. If everything went wrong again now, he would have to go. Probably leave Cascade once and for all in the vain hope that he could make a life for himself elsewhere.

However, stomping down firmly on that unhappy thought, he sat down and prepared to turn his attention to finishing off the paperwork he needed to complete as soon as possible, the lure of lunch with Jim enough to spur him on.

At his own desk, Jim heaved a soft sigh of relief when Blair arrived and returned his silent but sincere welcoming smile. Although he hated to admit it, he knew that he had harboured a small but niggling doubt that the young man would have changed his mind and blow Jim off after all. There had been far too many instances in the recent past when he had been rebuffed by his sentinel for no good reason, so he was bound to be cautious. But thank the gods he was also still generous enough to grant Jim this last chance to prove his worth, and Jim just had to be happy with that.

As the morning wore on, both men worked diligently to get their respective reports completed, their interactions with their colleagues and each other far more natural and spontaneous than had been the case for so long now, and that fact didn’t escape their friends’ notice. Oh, it wasn’t yet a return to the camaraderie of their early days, but it was an improvement, and one very much appreciated by those who cared for them both. Growing gradually more confident that he wouldn’t be shut down or disparaged by Jim, Blair in particular began to open up a little more as time went on, and although nothing like the bouncy, entertaining – and sometimes irritating - grad student of yore, he drew more and more attention from those who positively welcomed the first glimpse of his previous persona. And indeed it did Jim’s heart good to watch H and Rafe perch on his guide’s desk, chuckling over something Blair was describing to them. This was how it should be, and he had been a fool not to see it and accept it before, rather clinging on to his unwarranted righteous indignation and denying himself the comfort and joy to be found in his partner’s unwavering support.

But that was about to change, he promised himself, and now he looked forward eagerly to their lunch date with renewed hope and determination.

----------------------

At around 12.30, Jim and Blair made a discreet exit together, wanting to avoid any chance of Simon spotting them and giving them some new assignment. What they didn’t know was that, virtually as soon as they had left the building, their colleagues gathered together for an impromptu coffee break, wanting to discuss the new behaviour patterns for themselves, and to a man – and woman – hoping that it was very much a change for the better. It was Megan who kicked off the discussion, as ever happy to take on the role of spokesperson, especially now she was officially enrolled in the unit, having applied for and been granted her American citizenship just weeks ago.

“OK then, mates. I guess I’m not the only one to have noticed Jimbo’s improved attitude towards Sandy. I mean, I for one am really pleased to see it. It’s about bloody time he lightened up where his so-called partner is concerned. I know he’s not been yelling and sniping at Sandy for ages now, but that cold-shoulder stuff has to be far more hurtful, and I’ve hated watching Sandy get sadder and quieter ever since he took on his new job. You know me, and I’ve been getting in Jimbo’s face for a while now, hoping to get him to open up to me but no sodding chance! But seems like something’s actually gotten through to him at last. What do you guys think, or is it just wishful thinking on my part?”

Joel regarded her thoughtfully for a while, then spoke up. “I think you’re right, Megs. Jim did seem to be much more mellow this morning, and I have to say I thought Blair was responding to it. He told me that they were going to lunch together, which is something they haven’t done in an age, so perhaps they really are on the way to patching things up between them. I for one hope and pray that’s the case, because I honestly expected Blair to announce anytime now that he’d had enough and that he was moving on.

“And where that would have left Jim, who knows?”

It was a darkly frowning Rafe who picked up on that. Barely recovered from the ‘flu, he might well admire the unit’s lead detective, but he had always liked Blair, and hadn’t enjoyed watching the young man slowly fade away before their eyes. “You know what, Joel? That would be the last thing that bothered me after how Jim’s acted towards Blair for so long now. It would serve him right if Blair had called it a day and gone on his way, even though I’d really miss the little guy. But then again, Blair told me once after we’d been for a drink that Jim was the centre of his universe, and not as his diss subject either. He’d probably deny it now – even if he remembers it at all, seeing how the kid can’t hold his drink – but I never forgot. And I swore to myself that I’d never forgive Jim if he drove away the best thing that’s ever happened to him.”

All the others gazed at him in awe, never having heard such a fervent declaration from their dapper, quietly-spoken colleague. If there had been any one of them who had believed that Rafe was in any way superficial and unimaginative, they quickly reassessed their opinion. It was abundantly clear that he really cared about Blair and his future, and they had to respect him for it.

It was H who reached over and clapped his partner on the shoulder. “Damn right, babe! But you know, it hasn’t come as that much as a surprise to me. Let me explain,” he continued with a wry grin after noting the curious and speculative glares sent his way. He went on to outline the discussion he had had with Jim after the aborted stakeout, not in the least concerned that he was breaking any confidences since he was well aware of the regard in which Jim and Blair were both held within the unit, and anything that could help others understand and encourage the healing process apparently taking place between them had to be a good thing.

It was a pensive but considerably more upbeat Megan who replied for them all then. “Thanks for revealing all, H, mate. I’m betting that at the end of the day Jimbo’d be glad that you told us all, even if it was supposed to be in confidence. Now we know that he really does mean to do right by Sandy after all, we can help by not getting in his face so much. At least, in my case, hard-nosed, interfering sheila that I am!

“So, let’s see what state they’re in once they get back from lunch, hey? If they both look positive, then I’m prepared to take it from there.”

Unsurprisingly, the sentiment was unanimous, so after a few more minutes of general conversation, they went back to their desks before Simon noticed their absence and blew a fuse. Good friend he might well be to both men, but he had a unit to run, and that meant looking out for his whole team. And also making sure they were working up to speed.

--------------------

Meanwhile, in the newly opened Lotus Blossom Thai restaurant on Franch Street, it had to be said that after a cautious start, Jim and Blair were definitely making progress in their mutual effort to come to a real understanding. It helped that the food was delicious, easily tempting enough to override Blair’s initial disinclination to eat when upset; something with which Jim was unhappily familiar since it had been a common occurrence in the past, and had clearly become even more so in recent months.

By mutual, tacit agreement they kept their conversation light and uncontroversial to begin with while savouring their meal, but it wasn’t the stilted, over-polite type which had sadly become the norm over the last couple of years. As he ate, Jim was ruefully aware that the latter version of communication was pretty much all due to his mistaken belief that he was Doing The Right Thing and allowing Blair to make up his own mind as to how their relationship should progress, but he realised only too well now that without any positive input or encouragement from him, Blair hadn’t had the confidence to push for what he wanted and needed from Jim. Time to do something about that before it was too late.

Swallowing down the last delicious mouthful of Pad Thai shrimp, he grinned over at his guide, pleased to see that Blair had nearly cleaned up his own plate of food for once. “Gotta say that was really good, Chief. I reckon this place should do well with a quality menu like this, and it looks like you’re of the same mind!”

Blair smiled back at him, a definite sparkle in his wide blue eyes. “Yeah, man, it’s very good, I have to say. Didn’t realise how hungry I was until I tasted it, but I think this is probably one of the best Thai restaurants I’ve visited. And they do takeout too!” he added with a sly and cheerfully hopeful grin. “Perhaps this’ll become a favourite, huh, Jim?”

Suddenly he shut down and averted his gaze, as if embarrassed at his forward behaviour, and Jim realised with a pang that the younger man was expecting either a sharp retort or even worse, a polite brushoff, and he could have kicked himself for creating that atmosphere between them. Reaching over, he covered one of Blair’s hands with his own.

“Look at me, Chief,” he murmured. “I’m so sorry that I’ve given you the wrong impression for so long now, and I understand your reticence even if it pains me to say so. I know now just how badly I’ve misjudged the situation where our partnership is concerned, and if you’re at the point where you’re considering giving up on us, I could hardly blame you. I mean, I hope that you’re enjoying your job enough to want to stay here in Cascade, and you’re right in that we’d still see each other, but I really do want you to stay with me at the loft. It’s selfish, I know, and I don’t have the right to ask it of you, but it’s true. Whatever I might have led you to believe, I do still need you for the senses, Chief. OK, yes, I can control them pretty well in the field, thanks to your tutoring and inspired suggestions, but it’s your person which really works for me. When you’re not around for any length of time, they start to play up, almost as if they’re seeking you out. It’s bearable, so don’t worry that anything dire’s going to happen to me should you ever decide to leave, but I feel so much better when you’re near. And when I can touch you,” he added a little diffidently.

Blair regarded him carefully; his face creased in a cutely perplexed frown as he worked his way through Jim’s unprecedented confession. “Ah, that’s good of you to say, Jim, but you don’t really touch me much at all now, unless we’re working with the senses. And I have to say I miss it more than I thought I would. Do you think that’s why they’re acting up some? Because you always have been a tactile person, and I never had any problem with that, man.

“And yes, you’re right when you say you thought I might be on the point of leaving the loft. I think I can admit now that I feel that this is it for me. I truly appreciate your opening up to me at last, and I do really want to stay with you, but I need to know that you really do mean what you say about making our partnership work again. You’re right in that I don’t want to leave Cascade. I love my job far more than I thought I would, and I think I make a difference. But I can’t take any more of the cold shoulder routine, Jim. I need to know that you still care about me, and not just as the sentinel protecting the guide.”

Jim squeezed the smaller hand beneath his gently. “If nothing else, Chief, I can reassure you on that count,” he murmured fervently. “You never have been ‘just’ the guide, Blair. Ever since our first meeting – in your office, that is, not the hospital – I’ve been attracted to you. I didn’t want to be, and fought it for a long time, but to no avail. I must have instinctively imprinted you – knew from the get-go that we were meant to be - but I’ve had a really hard time coming to terms with that notion. Everything that’s happened between us should have made me cherish you. And not just because I felt duty-bound to do so. But instead I’ve pushed you away at every turn. Even gotten you killed! Shame on me!

“But I was scared, Chief. I freely admit it now. You were so right when you wrote about those ‘fear-based responses’, babe. You weren’t calling me a coward – at least, not in the way I interpreted it. But it’s true anyway. I always accused you of lacking commitment. Chasing after gratuitous pleasure rather than looking for a proper relationship. But it was me just as much to blame, if not more so. I could simply never believe that you wouldn’t leave me like everyone else has, even after your courageous self-sacrifice on my behalf. I’m sorry, Chief. I should have trusted you. I just found it so hard to do so. So instead I decided I’d try and be what I thought you needed. Someone who would stop taking you for granted and using you, and who would support your new career as a working partner rather than a needy sentinel.

“And it’s been killing you, hasn’t it?”

There was a definite sheen of unshed tears in Blair’s beautiful eyes by now, but the expression on his face was one of understanding rather than condemnation. He nodded once, his voice low and a little raspy with emotion as he replied, “Uh, yeah, you could say so, man. I mean, I haven’t known what to think for so long now. Been wondering whether I’m doing the right thing in hanging on, or whether I should make a clean break. Just wanted some sort of sign from you that there was still something worth fighting for, I guess. But now I think I’ve received that sign, Jim. At least I hope I have! And if it’s true, then yes, I still want to try, Jim. I care for you so much, man. Always have. And I guess always will.”

Jim’s smile was a sight to behold then, and the look in his ice blue eyes pure relief and affection for the courageous young man before him. “Thank you, Chief. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for agreeing to give us another chance. Because I love you, kiddo, and it’s time I got over myself and proved it to you.

“But I think we’d better make tracks, babe, because we’ve been out of office for quite a while now, and Simon’ll be wondering where we are. But I want to continue this discussion tonight, Chief. There’s still plenty to talk about and to decide upon, and I don’t want to leave unfinished business between us. This relationship is too important for that, do you agree?”

And of course, Blair was in whole-hearted agreement, and said as much, his own smile at last resembling a real ‘Sandburg special’, absent for so long but so missed by all.

--------------------

When the two men returned to the bullpen, Jim was immediately aware of the not-so-surreptitious glances being sent their way by their closer friends, and he knew exactly what they were checking out, although he didn’t let on to Blair, who for once was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to notice. He knew that they were being closely observed for indications that their relationship was noticeably more amicable, and was secretly gratified to be able to demonstrate just such an improvement. Not that he was in any way self-satisfied, since most of their estrangement was entirely down to him anyway, but at least he was justified in believing that he had made a reasonable effort to begin to bridge the chasm which had opened up between them. And when Megan made a none-too-subtle move to get Blair to herself in the break room, he knew exactly what she would be enquiring after, and for once it didn’t bother him at all as he had every confidence in Blair’s responses. Not that it wasn’t tempting to listen in, but he immediately stomped on that notion, sternly admonishing himself that the pair were entitled to their privacy, and he should trust his partner to handle the situation by himself. And even though she sometimes irritated the heck out of him, he freely admitted that Megs had a heart of gold, and only wanted the best for her ‘Sandy’.

As it happened, he was quite correct in his assumption, and even as he turned his attention to the new paperwork that had suddenly materialised in his in-tray during his absence, a blushing Blair was doing his best to satisfy his Aussie mate’s genuine concerns.

“Well, you’re certainly looking a lot more chipper, Sandy, love. Can I take it that your lunch date went well?”

Knowing exactly where she was going with this, and deliberately fudging for sheer fun, Blair offered her a bright smile. “Yeah, Megs. It was really good. We wanted to try out that new place on Franch – the Lotus Blossom – and the food was excellent. Not over-priced either. I can highly recommend it if you like Thai food.”

Frowning in mock frustration, she thumped him lightly on the bicep. “You know better than that, Sandy! I mean, yes, I do like Thai, and I’m glad it was a good venue, but what about you and Jimbo? Are you two back on the same page now? Or at least, getting there?”

Blair sobered then, knowing she only had his – and Jim’s - welfare at heart, and not wanting to tease her anymore. She had always been a good friend and staunch supporter of his, and he valued her more than he could say.

“Yes, Megs, I think so. I mean, it’s early days yet, but Jim explained to me where he’s been coming from this last couple of years, and I do understand now, even if it was misplaced. See, he honestly thought he was doing right by me in not pushing our relationship because he believed that I was finally making the most of my life and my new career and didn’t need to have him making demands on my time.

“And I can’t even begin to describe how I feel about that. I mean, I appreciate the gesture more than I can say now I know the reasoning behind it, but it couldn’t have been more wrong – or hurtful - for both of us. But I told him that I was willing to give our partnership another try as long as we actually communicate from now on. That’s all I can do.”

Megan reached up and squeezed his shoulder comfortingly. “Thanks for telling me, Sandy, and I wish you – both of you – all the luck in the world. It’s been bloody horrible watching the pair of you tippy-toeing around each other for so long. And you’re not the same Sandy I recall from our first meeting, even though I love you to bits as you are. I loved the bounce and the constant nattering, love, and the flying curls too. But this new, mature version is just as attractive. Just don’t get too sober and lighten up a bit more now, huh? It’s what we all need to see in you, love. See you enjoying life again.”

Blair smiled warmly at that. “I’ll do my best, Megs, and thanks. For your concern and your looking out for me. Love you, girl,” and he reached up to peck her on the cheek.

“Back at you, love,” she chuckled, cupping his face in a warm palm. “Better get back to work though, I guess, or Simon’ll be yelling for us! And I bet Jimbo’s wondering where you’re up to as well. Don’t want to give him reason to get all over-protective again so soon!”

Blair laughed at that, and let her precede him out of the door, heading back together to the bullpen and their desks in amicable accord.

------------------------

Later that night, the loft:

When Blair arrived back at the loft later that night, Jim was already there, and enjoying a cold beer while he awaited his partner’s homecoming. Shortly after they had returned to the bullpen, Blair had been called upon to offer assistance and advice on a case for Homicide, so had been working with the detectives involved since then. It had been an interesting case from an anthropological point of view, but although he had been able to offer invaluable help in suggesting the likely behaviour patterns of the assailants and victims both in this particular gangland skirmish, he still felt deeply for all those concerned. If he did but know it, it was an aspect of his gentle and empathic nature that Jim both envied and admired, even though he knew that it had to be so hard on his friend to have a little more of his basic innocence stripped away each day he worked at the PD. Hardened detectives such as Jim himself and Simon were able to compartmentalise their emotions and shut down on anything that could impinge on an investigation, but that was never going to happen with a sensitive soul like Blair. And perhaps that was the reason why he was so important to Jim. He was generous and forgiving, and able to seek out the good in every person and situation where it existed, thus providing a balance that the sentinel needed in order to keep his own sanity. It had taken Jim long enough to reach that conclusion, but having done so, he now felt constrained to protect and cherish that better side of him; something he had neglected to do for at least two years now, and the effects on both of them were going to be hard to erase.

But he intended to try to the best of his ability, and starting from today, he was going to be completely honest and open with his young guide. After all, it was only what he should have been doing all along, especially after learning everything he needed to know about Blair at their merging.

Fear-based responses indeed.

Closing the door behind him with a weary sigh, Blair turned to face Jim, his expression fond but betraying his mental and physical fatigue. “Hey, man, I’m sorry I’m so late, but Anderson and Greaves were on a roll after I explained what I thought had gone down, and I didn’t want to leave until I knew it was pretty much done and dusted. They’ve already picked up Mulcready and his main goons on suspicion, and I think it’s pretty much a slam-dunk. Hope so anyway. The last thing they need is all-out gang warfare.”

Jim grinned as he rose to his feet to fetch another beer, and one for Blair also. “Good for you, Chief. I know I was hoping you’d get back before this, but hey, it’s the job, and you’re good at it.

“Anyhow, it was supposed to be my turn to cook tonight, but to be honest I’m not really up to it. Fancy a pizza instead? My treat.”

Blair grinned back. “What? The Pie of Death? Why not! But you paid for lunch, so I should get this. You want to order it while I freshen up a bit? I think I just need to chill tonight.”

“Sure, babe, if you don’t mind. Go get into something more comfortable, and I’ll do the honours.”

Blair’s smile widened as he set his half-finished beer aside for now. “Thanks, man, I’ll do that. Won’t be long,” and he headed for his room to grab his favourite suit of sweats, looking forward to the promised night of beer and pizza and camaraderie. Just like old times….

--------------------

Some while later, Jim grinned fondly at his partner, who had dozed off next to him on the sofa, and had slid down to lean his head on Jim’s shoulder. They had had an enjoyable meal of pizza before turning on the TV to search for something easy to watch while they finished their beers and generally relaxed in each other’s company. It was reminiscent of their early days together, and Jim realised just how much he had missed the easy familiarity. It was clear that Blair had thoroughly enjoyed it also, and had become noticeably more at ease and talkative even though it wasn’t at anything like previous levels. He was also relaxed enough to feel able to drop off next to his sentinel, which was something he hadn’t done in an age and which was yet another thing that Jim realised he had missed. Just being able to touch and settle his senses on the compact and attractive person of his guide was a well-remembered delight, and he was happy to take as much time as he could to indulge himself to his satisfaction. This was what it was all about, and should always have been. He accepted that now, and just hoped that Blair was of the same opinion. Because there was something else he desperately wanted to run by his friend, and the last thing he wanted was to scare Blair off now he had found the courage to reconnect with his young partner again.

When he had blurted out that he loved Blair as they were about to leave the restaurant, at first he thought he’d made a stupid error, but although Blair hadn’t reacted negatively, he hadn’t questioned the declaration either. So either he hadn’t really absorbed the full implication therein, or he had simply assumed it meant a brotherly kind of affection when in fact it was anything but. Jim might have denied himself for years now the chance to confess to Blair his sexual attraction to the lovely young man, simply because he was fearful of being turned down flat, but now he chastised himself soundly for leaving it so long. Blair could only say no, after all, and that would have been that, but he might well have reciprocated despite his mostly unearned rep as a skirt-chaser. He was open-minded to a fault, and had often quoted Naomi’s wise words in that it was the person that mattered, not the package. And the fact that he had made no secret of admiring Jim’s physique gave the older man hope that he might still be in with a chance. He just had to make the effort. It may well be that Blair wasn’t interested in an intimate relationship anyway, but the fact that he was still here, and still prepared to do his best for his sentinel showed a level of commitment Jim should never have questioned. And if that was all there was, it was more than enough for Jim this time. And probably more than he deserved, so he’d take what he could get and be grateful.

Soft snuffling and the feel of Blair’s be-whiskered cheek rubbing against his shoulder warned him that his friend was rousing, so he gently eased the younger man into a slightly more upright position. “Hey, babe, you ready to get to bed?” he murmured softly. Bleary blue eyes blinked up at him, but the slow, sleepy smile on the full lips delighted him.

“Yeah, man. Just about,” Blair muttered, his voice deep and a bit raspy from sleep. “Sorry to have used you as a pillow, Jim. But thanks, man. Really enjoyed tonight. Um, could we do it again soon?” he added wistfully.

“Sure, Chief. Anytime,” Jim was quick to respond. “I enjoyed it too, and now I realise what I’ve been missing I could kick myself for being so mistaken. You need a hand getting up?”

Blair’s smile widened, and his sleep-soft features drew Jim like a moth to flame. Slowly, so slowly lowering his head so that Blair could pull away if he needed to, he closed the distance between them until he could place the softest of chaste kisses on the beautiful, generous mouth. And although clearly uncertain, Blair didn’t pull away at all, although he didn’t respond immediately. But when Jim began to withdraw, he reached up and placed a hand at Jim’s nape to halt the movement, frowning inquisitively as he met Jim’s gaze.

“Ah, Jim, man, does this mean what I hope it does? I mean, it’s not just a spur of the moment thing?”

Jim smiled warmly down at him, his eyes bright and his expression affectionate. “If you mean that I love you and want you, babe, you’d be right. And it’s definitely not a spur of the moment thing in that sense. It’s just that I’ve wanted to do that for so long, and at last the time seemed right. I’m just hoping I haven’t scared you off and that you might consider thinking of me in the same way.”

Blair’s eyes glowed then as hope and love bloomed in them. “Oh, man, I’ve loved you pretty much since the first time I saw you! I mean, I admit that at first it was pure lust, and you were supposed to be my Primary Subject after all, and totally out of bounds. But I soon realised it was far more than that. I just thought that you were so straight you’d boot me out of the loft if I so much as hinted I wanted more. So I told myself to be satisfied with what I had, which was the best friendship I’d ever had. For a while, at least.

“But I have to say that these last months since the diss mess and since I started my new job have been hell, Jim. I was at the point of telling you that I was going to look for a place of my own so you could have your space back, because I thought that was what you wanted. I thought I’d overstayed my welcome by years, let alone months, and that you were just being noble and putting up with me through some misplaced sense of obligation. Was I wrong, Jim?”

“Yes, you were wrong, Chief, but you can hardly be blamed for that based on how I was behaving towards you. But believe it or not it was H that prompted me to action after that aborted stakeout. He told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to get my act together and treat you properly as I should. And make certain that you knew just how I really felt about you.

“So this is it, babe. Confession time at last, and only about four years late!”

“Worth waiting for, though, man, even if it’s been hard at times. I love you too, Jim. Always have, and always will. And not just because of the sentinel and guide thing, although that means a lot to me too.

“So, what happens now?” he asked hopefully, praying that this truly was it, and that they were on the same page at long last.

Jim’s expression and response were a little diffident even though the sincerity in his eyes was clear to see. “Well, babe, I was hoping that you might like to join me upstairs? Not for anything more than cuddling for now, if that’s all we’re up for because it’s late and we’re both tired. But I’d really like to hold you, Chief. And wake up next to you.”

Blair’s smile was wide and happy then. “I’d love to, Jim. Just give me a few minutes to get ready, and I’ll come up. OK with you?”

“More than OK, babe,” Jim replied fervently. “But don’t take too long!”

And Blair didn’t.

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Part 3: Effortless:

Three months later, the loft.

Smiling indulgently, Jim watched his partner and now lover run through the preparations he needed to in order to prepare himself for yet another court room appearance as an expert witness. Jim had every confidence in Blair’s expertise and growing reputation, but he knew that his lover always gave one hundred percent to whatever he took on and never took anything for granted, so he simply left the young man to his own devices until he was done. Long gone were the days when he would have tried to intervene for whatever reason or offer some unnecessary, snide comment, knowing now that his lover deserved the acclaim he was garnering outside of his role as guide and companion to Jim.

And strange but true, Jim found he didn’t resent it at all. He had everything he needed and wanted in Blair’s love and commitment, and freely admitted he had never been so happy and contented in his life. And to be honest, had never expected to experience that wonderful feeling either. He was one lucky guy, and he wasn’t about to knock it. Gone were the days when it was all about him and the senses, and good riddance too, as far as he was concerned.

And the very best thing about their whole relationship these days was that it was so effortlessly natural and normal, not only as sentinel and guide but as Jim and Blair also. And when he thought about it, Jim never ceased to be amazed at how easily it had come about once he had had the courage and enlightenment to recognise and accept their partnership as it should be. A pairing of equals in every sense of the word.

Oh sure, they had had plenty of discussions – even full-blown arguments – since that memorable night when he had finally found the nerve to invite Blair to his bed, but never again to the point of splitting up. That was completely unthinkable now, thank the goddess, and Jim knew it. Even when they agreed to differ, there was never the acrimony that had sneaked in between them in the months and even years before his long-awaited epiphany.

As he watched his lover push a last few papers into his briefcase, before looking up to beam at Jim in relief and affection, Jim couldn’t help but replay that night when Blair had willingly, if initially nervously, agreed to come upstairs to share his bed.

------------------------

After Jim had done his usual rounds of securing the loft for the night he had gone upstairs to await the arrival of his partner. And it had to be said that he hadn’t exactly been over-confident, it occurring to him that it might be too soon, and that even now Blair might be reconsidering his eager acceptance. He knew that he should have known better than to think that the young man might not show up at all, but couldn’t help but worry in case his guide turned him down after all, even if kindly. However, when Blair appeared at the top of the stairs, looking both eager and a little nervous, as if unsure of his welcome, as soon as Jim had grinned and beckoned him over, his own beaming smile and eager approach had put all Jim’s fears to rest. True, Blair had arrived dressed demurely in sweatpants and tank top, but he had climbed into bed and snuggled into Jim’s welcoming arms quickly enough. And after a few light kisses and a certain amount of rearranging themselves into the most comfortable embrace, they had both enjoyed possibly the best night’s sleep they had experienced in ages. It was the following morning when all their wishes and deepest desires had come to fruition, and Jim knew he would remember and cherish that momentous occasion for as long as he lived.

He had awoken to find himself pretty much pinned down by his warm, clinging bedmate, who had made himself comfortable during the night by utilising Jim as his very own body pillow. Blair’s curly head was tucked snugly into Jim’s neck, and he was lying almost on top of his sentinel, one arm wrapped around Jim’s chest and a leg thrown across his thighs. Jim could never recall any of his lovers making themselves so much at home, even Carolyn – especially Carolyn! – and he found it charming. Since it was still early, he contented himself by lying quietly, carefully cataloguing everything he could about his soon-to-be lover. He loved how the smaller man seemed to fit against him so well, and the deep and reassuring comfort he felt while wrapped in Blair’s embrace was greater than anything he had ever felt before. And when tiny changes to Blair’s breathing and physiology warned him of the younger man’s return to consciousness, he was eager to watch that fascinating process in close-up.

It took several minutes for Blair’s awareness to truly kick in, and for long moments he sighed contentedly and tried to snuggle even closer to his human pillow. However, eventually he realised where he was and exactly what – or who - he was clinging on to, and his eyes shot open in horror and remorse. “Oh, man! I’m so sorry, Jim! Have I been sleeping on top of you all night? Why didn’t you wake me? Shove me off?”

Jim quickly raised a hand to place a finger on those lush lips to silence his mortified partner. “Perhaps because I was actually enjoying it, Chief,” he chuckled. “Believe me, if I didn’t like it I would have carefully rearranged our sleeping positions, but I didn’t want to. I’ve had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in an age, and my senses have been ecstatic being able to wrap themselves around you at close quarters. I’m just hoping that you’ll agree to share my bed from now on,” he continued more diffidently. “Even if we do nothing more than this, it’d be better than anything I could wish for as long as it worked for you too.”

Visibly relaxing and losing the anxious expression colouring his features, Blair had smiled shyly up at him. “I had a great night too, man,” he confessed. “I’ve always liked cuddling – and being cuddled – which is why I’ve had so many dates and one-night stands in the past. It hasn’t always been about the sex, Jim, truly. Sometimes I just wanted someone to hold me. And I gotta say that this was the best, man!”

Jim grinned at that, nodding in agreement. “So, you’ll stay up here with me? And whatever happens between us, it’ll be at your pace, Chief. And like I said, if you decide you don’t want to take it any further, then that’s how it’ll be.

“But I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t want you that way, babe. I mean, I don’t really consider myself as gay, as I like women well enough, but I’ve had some experience with male/male sex, especially during my stint in Vice. Even if it was just a case of scratching an itch, I know the mechanics. But as far as making love to another man, then that would be new for me, and very exciting, because the only man I’d make love with is you, Chief.”

Blair blushed at that, and averted his eyes for a moment before raising his head to meet Jim’s questioning gaze. “Um, me too, man. I mean, I love women too, and have never thought of myself as gay even though I can admire a beautiful body of either sex. And I have had one or two experimental dates with other guys in the past although never got beyond first base, if you know what I mean. Too worried about size difference – and no, I don’t mean in the plumbing department!” he chuckled ruefully when Jim grinned and waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“Anyhow, seriously, Jim, I felt an attraction to you from the beginning, man, and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t just because of your gifts. If you are really serious about our being together in all ways, then I’m there, man. I want to know you intimately if you can be patient with my inexperience, and I can promise you that this would be it for me. No one else. Ever.”

Jim recalled how his smile had widened in pure happiness and relief as he had pulled the courageous young man in for a hug. “Thank you, babe. That’s probably the best gift anyone’s ever given me. The gift of your love and commitment means everything. And yes, it would be it for me for sure. Always.”

However, he also recalled how just then Blair had suddenly blushed deeply again and hidden his face against Jim’s chest, a faint hint of saline betraying threatening tears. And Jim had realised instinctively that he knew exactly what his young guide was thinking, because it had occurred to him also. Blair had always been a talker, happy to share his thoughts and entertain with witty anecdotes and tall tales of his adventures while travelling, but he never offered any actual insights into his true personality. Oh, his emotions were easy to read on the open book of his expressive face, but as to his deepest fears and desires, he kept those well-hidden. Yet in the past twenty-four hours, he had revealed more about his innermost thoughts and feelings than in the whole of the past five years, and it had clearly given him pause for thought. Perhaps he had suddenly realised that he might have left himself vulnerable and open to ridicule despite their progress so far, and Jim knew it was up to him to make sure that Blair never regretted his honest confessions.

“Hey, babe, no hiding away there,” he murmured while gently prising his armful upwards to meet his gaze. “I know what you’re thinking Chief, and I promise you that nothing you’ve told me will make me change my mind. I’m just so grateful that at last we’ve begun to communicate like we always should have done, OK?”

Blair had offered him a watery smile then. “I’m sorry, Jim. It’s just that old habits die hard, and now I understand just how difficult it must have been for you to reveal stuff that I kept pressing you for. My bad. But I do trust you, man. And yes, I still want our shared commitment, even more than ever, although I’m going to be the one needing guiding this time. Show me?”

And Jim had.

As he relived those delicious moments, Jim grinned smugly to himself. Blair had proved to be an apt pupil and quick learner, such that every caress, kiss and touch was thoroughly enjoyed by both men. Even though there was no actual penetration involved that time, their shared climax was possibly the most amazing and satisfying either man had ever experienced, and they knew for a fact that this was how it was meant to be. From thereon in it only got better, each of them gaining confidence in their performance, and Jim had been more than happy to find that Blair was an eager and willing bottom, since that suited Jim’s more controlling personality perfectly. Not that it made them any less equal in all respects since Blair’s trust in him not to do more than he wanted was absolute, and Jim wasn’t about to abuse that trust, ever.

So now here they were – a committed couple, but not officially ‘out’ at work, simply because there was less possibility for overt aggression that way. Their friends knew, and were happy for them, and the inevitable rumour mill was ignored by all those who mattered. Anyone who disapproved of what they perceived to be an alternative lifestyle was firmly dissuaded from spreading their hatred and gossip by Jim and Blair’s many supporters, and as had always been the case, anyone who had anything derogatory to say about Blair within Jim’s hearing soon found out just how protective the sentinel could be. Generally speaking, their work environment was satisfactory, and even though he still kept in touch with particular friends at Rainier, Blair was genuinely happy in both his career and his relationship with Jim.

As they both prepared to leave the loft for another busy day, Jim grinned down at his partner before offering him a kiss. “Take care, babe, and see you back in the bullpen when you’re done in court. Knock ‘em dead, Chief!”

“Thanks, lover, and you take care too! Don’t let all that vicious paperwork get to you!” Blair chuckled cheekily. “I’ll be there to rescue you soon enough!”

“Brat! Love you too!” was Jim’s fond response as he watched Blair jog down the stairs. It had taken far longer than it should have done for them to reach this point, but hey, better late than never, and now what they had was the best, and they both knew it.

The End