Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

and with every touch of your lips to mine, with every squeeze of your hands on my waist, with every moment we share under the blanket of night, I think maybe, just maybe, you could belong to me, and I to you. maybe your heart could be mine, as mine is yours. maybe this secret wouldn't be so secret anymore. maybe I could finally stop holding myself back from holding your hand, from claiming you as mine, from showing you how much I love you. and as I fall asleep, tucked into your arms, my head in your chest and your hands around me, I think, 

maybe you could love me. 

but when the sun rises, and that first flicker of light hits your face, I know that I'm losing you. when night turns to day, when we leave the safety of your bedroom, you and I are nothing but strangers, two lonely souls, merely sentences in each other's manuscript of life. and though it breaks me like a rock to glass, though it rips me apart each day, no matter how much I want to scream, and cry, and beg for you to stay, I don't. I can't. because at the end of the day, you aren't mine, and you'll never be.

—☆｡*°✧*★*.✧—

it’s another friday night when your face shows up on my phone screen again. you’re drunk, maybe you got your heart broken again. maybe you were bored. whatever the reason was, I'm able to spend time with you again so it doesn't really matter. we spend the night as we usually do, with lips on collarbones and hands on waists and your body on mine. with quiet gasps and hushed whispers lingering in the thick air. 

I must have been too giddy with pleasure, because at one point I heard you say that you love me, how funny is that? you could never love me, you've said so yourself. we're just… not meant to be. Too scandalous, too forbidden, too… well, too wrong. I know this. I've spent countless sleepless nights making myself accept that all we could ever have is spurred by lust and temptation. I refuse to let myself fall deeper than I already have. 

all it will bring about is pain; I think I've had enough of that for a while. 

—☆｡*°✧*★*.✧—

I can't be your last resort. your hidden secret. your forbidden sin. you can't be my lover one moment, then a stranger the next. I'm not a toy to be played with, for you to throw away when you get bored.  

I refuse to be your getaway car, your Wonderland personified. I can't be your island in isolation. you can't use me to run away from life.

when life catches up to us—and it will—all the things we've ignored, all the troubles we've managed to elude; they'll trample us, it's years upon years of ignoring life, of course we'll get crushed under the weight. 

—☆｡*°✧*★*.✧—

when the inevitable arrives, a grim reaper knocking on the door of our imaginary haven, you'll let me go. as you always have. it's okay, I know you will, there's no need for any guilt—though I reckon you rendered yourself impossible of feeling that godforsaken emotion ages ago.

you'll leave me behind, as you always have, and I'll be collecting the scattered pieces of my shattered heart. I'll curse you out for a while, then I'll promise myself not to do it anymore, that I'm worth more than just temporary relief. I'll repeat these words, over and over and over again. A never ending mantra.

yet somehow, when the time comes that you find yourself heartbroken, or bored, or just in need of something quick and short; when you inevitably come running back to me, I'll be standing there with my arms wide open. you're holding out the gun and I'm giving you an easy target.

and somehow it happens again and again and again. a vicious cycle, I can't seem to escape.

like a moth to flame, like a sailor to a siren's song, I'd let you ruin me, so willingly I put my heart in your hands. and I'll continue to do so. 

as long as you keep running back, I'll keep welcoming you with open arms.

you're the forbidden fruit, and I'm starving.