Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The day Do Hyun Soo and Cha Jiwon met was one of the hottest days of the year. Do Hyun Soo had left the Baek family house earlier that month after his identity as Baek Hee Song was stamped and approved by the necessary authorities. He went to bed that night as Baek Hee Song, the celebrated prodigal son of a university hospital director. When he came to, he saw a cheque with a small fortune on his bedside. The implications were clear. ‘Get out, get far and keep your mouth shut’. Do Hyun Soo intended to do just that. He made his way out of Seoul later that night, a hunted man hiding under a dark shadow. He had come to Seoul as Do Hyun Soo but left Seoul as Baek Hee Song.

After much thought, he had picked a small town just outside Seoul but far enough from the Baeks so they would have no unfortunate run-ins. He spent the small fortune he had received as hush money to rent a workshop, a small adjoining room and buy his first batch of materials. He sat in his bare tiny house and thought to himself about how this was the first time he had a space that was just his. A place where he could be himself and practice the craft he liked. Something like relief unfurled in his chest
He had been in the town for about a month or so at that point. The faces were few and the rumor mill was industrious. In the end it was almost too easy to make up a story about who he was. Baek Hee Song, the rebellious son of an illustrious family, cast out coldly for daring to follow his passions. The town ate up his run of the mill dramatized story easily. It was the most gossip they’d gotten in their neck of the woods in years. He could hear the oohs and the aahs, the curiosity, the wonder, the “oh you poor boy” everywhere he went. He wondered what they would think if they knew who he really was, the fugitive son of a dead serial killer

By this point Do Hyun Soo had begun to think of himself as Baek Hee Song. After all, the name Do Hyun Soo had brought him nothing but inconvenience. He shed the name easily, donned another just as easily. But he didn’t dispose of the lessons he received as Do Hyun Soo. He was no longer young and stupid. He had realized he could not be himself anymore, anti-social and unbothered. He had to blend in as much as possible. He had to gain a good reputation. Reputation was everything in this world. So he adopted a different personality. Baek Hee Song was not very social either but he didn’t avoid society the way he did in his village. He spoke to his neighbors, if sparingly. He smiled. He helped when they asked for it. He paid his bills on time. He kept his mouth shut and gave them only enough details about his past to quench their curiosity.

He had already been to Eunhasu supermart a few times in the month he’d lived in this town. The owner was a kind, middle aged woman who was all smiles but asked few questions. His interactions with her were not bothersome so he had become somewhat of a regular. On that fateful day when Hyun Soo walked into Eunhasu mart he did not see the owner but instead a young girl around his age at the front. She had brown hair pulled away from her face, glasses on and her head was deep in a book.
Hyun Soo picked up his favorite beer and took it to billing. The young girl looked up at him as he approached her, seemingly just noticing his presence. She vacantly stared at him for just a few more seconds than socially appropriate. Then she got to running up his bill
“That will be 2000 won”
Hyun Soo placed the bills on the counter. When he looked up at her the girl was already looking at him. Curiosity and some unnamed emotion in her brown eyes. “Are you new here?” she asked. Hyun Soo’s heart stuttered for a second. He thought to himself that the worst had happened. She was suspicious. His cover will be blown. A hundred paranoid thoughts ran through his mind. He concealed the emotion easily.
“ How did you know”
“You are a new face here. I haven’t seen you around” she replied with a semblance of a smile. She was still looking at him with those inquisitive eyes with a hint of something else. He concluded that she was looking for an answer to satisfy her curiosity about her new townmate.
“It felt like a good town to start a new life in. It's quiet too” he replied holding eye contact.

And just like that to the sound of Jang Yoon Jeong’s Oh my, on that humid summer day, a flower took root in Cha Jiwon’s heart.

Chapter Text

It was not a secret that Cha Jiwon had a crush on the metal craftsman who had recently moved into their neighborhood. It was also not a secret that her crush was utterly shallow. She had fallen for his deep voice, his scuffed leather jacket and jeans and his bleached blonde hair. It was ironic that Cha Jiwon, who was studying to be a police officer, liked men that kind of looked like they could be delinquents. She had taken a liking to him at first sight that summer day in her mother’s store. She had strategically placed herself at the cashier counter at specific times like late night, mid afternoon, early morning because she knew that that was mostly when Baek Hee Song would come to buy his groceries. But she told herself it was nothing serious. She just liked to steal glances at him whenever she could, at the store, on the street, at the eatery and so on.

All that shifted one cold night that winter. The neighborhood was panic stricken from a robbery. The registry had been swiped clean, the window shattered and the culprit absconding. Cha Jiwon was on cashier duty that night because her mother was off visiting family out of town.
Baek Hee Song showed up late evening not dressed nearly warm enough for an evening that cold and bought his regular can of beer. Jiwon had just billed him when the lights went out plunging the store into darkness and silence. She was still feeling around for a lighter when he lit a candle with his.
With the hum of the refrigerator silenced, they were immersed in the quiet. In the candlelight Hee Song was a work in angles and shadows. She observed him for a few seconds. His deep set eyes, his cherry blossom pink lips, his straight sharp nose and that excellent bone structure, like a chiseled marble statue. She hurriedly told him about the burglary and the absconding thief. The implication was clear. She wanted him to stay. But it must not have been very clear to him because he gazed at her uncomprehendingly for a few moments before walking out. Jiwon sighed dejectedly. What had she expected? That he would stay? Accompany her in the candlelit store? Maybe tell her something about himself? Maybe show her that small secret smile she sometimes saw on his face? Jiwon finished locking up the store when she glimpsed a shadow near the side window

In the weak moonlight, Hee Song’s blonde hair shone like gold. It looked like a halo around his head. He almost looked ethereal. Jiwon watched him for several moments before realizing that he didn’t intend to leave. He was just standing there in his barely warm clothes in the dark, cold street because she had told him she was scared. ‘He’s watching out for me’, she realized with a start as it started snowing. It was first snow of the year. Hee Song put his hand out like a child in awe, a few snowflakes falling on his open palm, his head upturned towards the sky, his perfect side profile illuminated by nothing but the waning moon. The breath caught in Jiwon’s throat. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears and feel the thrum of her pulse in her throat. She stood like that watching him as he watched the street, a strange feeling at the base of her throat and the tips of her toes
Many minutes later the electricity came back on and the Eunhasu mart billboard stuttered to brightness above Hee Song’s head. It was only then he left his place by the window. Jiwon unlocked the door with shaky hands and stumbled outside just in time to see his back turned to her, ambling away at a quiet steady place back to his home. She could feel the cold acutely and a snowflake landed on her cheek. She thought to herself ‘You got me now. You can not get rid of me from now on’

Chapter Text

A year had passed since he moved into this neighborhood. Even though it was hard at first, he had finally found footing with his craft and his business. He wasn’t pulling in millions but he made enough to get by. It was a comfortable existence. He knew his neighbors. The town didn’t shun him. He had a roof above his head and food to eat. He was just the homely small-time businessman and metal craftsman Baek Hee Song. It was an easy existence, an uncomplicated one. Except her. Except for Cha Jiwon.

Since winter last year she had inexplicably barged into his life. He only used to see her at the store but now she was everywhere. Everywhere he was, she was. He noticed her out of the corner of his eyes. Always buzzing around. Chattering. All smiles and airy laughs. It bothered him. She bothered him. Like an itch he couldn’t quite scratch. Earlier that year she had also started making her way into his workshop. She came in looking for trinkets to buy one day and snooped around for an obnoxiously long time. Another time she claimed she came to deliver her mom's kimchi but stuck around for way too long with useless small talk. Another time she barged in, book bag in her arms asking for a space to study in, claiming her house was too loud because she had guests over and she wanted to read in peace. Hyun Soo quietly pointed out a corner she could use even though it was illogical that she would show up at a metal crafting workshop for quiet. Soon she’d become a semi-permanent fixture in his personal space
Hyun Soo methodically ran through all the social cues and behaviors he’d learned over the course of his life almost every night but to no avail. He couldn’t understand what she wanted from him. Was she suspicious of him? Did she hear any rumors? He couldn’t tell. He’d taken to staring at her whenever she passed by like if he stared hard enough he could read the thoughts in her head. It wasn’t escaping the notice of the neighborhood. The old man next door told him that Jiwon had asked for Hyun Soo’s phone number with a secret, complicated smile. The owner of the local restaurant wished him luck with Jiwon. Hyun Soo was absolutely baffled.

The final confrontation came to a head late that summer. Jiwon was in his workshop again claiming that it was too hot and she’d brought him his favorite beer. Hyun Soo’s heart was loud in his chest. He was thrown off by this girl, her too easy way of sliding into his life, his workshop and the easy way she smiled at him and those deep questioning eyes of hers. As he pondered about her not for the tenth or even the hundredth he heard the sound of a shutter go off next to him
“Can I post it on my SNS? I'm gonna call it hot neighborhood oppa” she said with that unsettling smile of hers.
Hot rage filled Hyun Soo’s head. He had had enough of her games. He had worked too hard to get here, to become Baek Hee song. He refused to let this odd girl disrupt his safe haven. He crowded her against the wall, a classic intimidation tactic. He wanted her to fear him and leave him alone. He was tired of her presence in his head and his space. Her pupils were blown apart as he leaned into her. She didn’t look as afraid as he hoped and he still couldn’t name that evasive emotion in her eyes
“Delete it immediately” he was usually passably polite to everyone because Baek Hee Song had no reason to be rude. He was not Do Hyun Soo.
She pouted and grumbled as she deleted the picture. Hyun Soo decided that today he would get some answers.
“Do you think I don’t notice the way you hang around me? The way you dig into my personal details. Everything from my star sign to the food I like. Who are you? Who put you up to this? What? Did someone ask you to dig up information about me?” he asked trying to be as menacing as he could

Jiwon looked confused and then sighed walking across the room to open the can of beer. Hyun Soo could hear the fizz of the beer, the tick of the grandfather clock in the corner, the sound of Jiwon’s labored breathing.
“Oppa, I like you” she said, her face set in stubborn lines, her eyes blazing.
The world spun out of axis in that second. He couldn’t comprehend her words. She liked him? Cha Jiwon liked him? What? Why? Is that even possible? It had never occurred to him that she was romantically interested in him. He just couldn’t comprehend it. He stared at her for a few moments, his eyes wide and mouth a little ajar. They gazed at each other like that for a while, Jiwon, unflinching and Hyun Soo, baffled.

The moment didn’t last long. A menacing presence made his appearance. Hyun Soo could see him nearing from the corner of his eyes, there, near the door, right behind Jiwon. Hyun Soo had long accepted that he was haunted, possessed by the ghost of his father, always urging his worst instincts. He made his appearance erratically over the years. Sometimes Hyun Soo dropped to the ground and shook like a leaf until he disappeared, other times when he was in public he learned to contain his panic, his revulsion. “not here. Not now. Not with Jiwon next to me’ he thought to himself
“Get out” he barked at Jiwon, his voice sounding unfamiliar even to him
“What?” her eyes were glazed over and she looked like she’d been slapped
“Get out. Don’t come back here” he repeated, nearly turned away from her. Jiwon stood there and stared at him beseechingly, her eyes watering. The menacing presence was getting closer, its shadow almost onto Jiwon
“Get out. Get the fuck out. Do you want me to drag you out?” he asked, making eye contact with her this time to show her he really meant it.
She flinched, gasped and ran out the door much to his relief.

The second she was gone he dropped onto a bench nearby, sweat accumulating at his hairline, his heartbeat in his ears as the specter of his father glid closer and closer to him.

Chapter Text

It had been almost a year since Jiwon’s terrible attempt at a love confession. It was an obvious and absolute rejection from Hee Song and yet….yet Jiwon could not give up. She couldn’t stop noticing him, liking him, wanting him. She was planning to pine away in silence until this sick yearning died inside her but something had changed when she had confessed to him. It was an absolute rejection but Hee Song did not ignore her like she thought he would. He still acted unaffected whenever she showed up at his workshop, beer and takeout in hand. He still quietly listened with little input whenever she talked. One day he had somehow gotten hold of her phone number and called her as she was drinking herself to sleep at a friend’s place.

“Where are you?” she heard his strained voice through her speakers. She knew instantly it was him just by his voice. He hadn’t even said hello or said who he was.
“At a friend’s place, oppa. Why?” she questioned, her words slurring a bit around the edges
“Your mom was just at the workshop asking why you didn’t come home. I told her you left here earlier in the evening. Come home, your mom is worried” he also sounded worried, Jiwon thought offhandedly
“How did you get my phone number” a beat and a pause. “The next door uncle gave it to me when I asked him” he replied sounding subdued.
“You asked for my number” she sighed into the phone, a smile on her face. She wondered if he could hear her smile in those words.
“Come home” he huffed and hung up.
Jiwon looked up at the sky. Home she thought. Could Hee Song ever be her home?

After that there were many more phone calls. Mostly Jiwon called him. Sometimes for valid reasons, usually for no reason at all. There were those rare days when Hee Song called her first too. To remind her to come home, or eat, or sometimes just to listen to her rant about something. It was like he instinctively knew when to call her, when she was mad or when she was upset
They had developed a kind of routine. Most weekdays she spent the evenings in his workshop studying under the bright overhead light fixture while he tinkered, a comfortable presence in a different corner. On weekends sometimes they drank together. Jiwon used to hate beer. But after she met Hee Song, and knew that this was his preferred brand of alcohol, she took to it easily. The bitter taste, a fond reminder of Baek Hee Song. Sometimes they even went out together, just the two of them. Jiwon claimed it was because it was too far and it would be too late for her to come back alone. Sometimes Hee Song went into the city to buy some materials for his job and Jiwon tagged along. She enjoyed the time they spent together but never they were really alone because the ghost of her unrequited affections hung all around them, like smoke she couldn’t quite disperse. She lived like that, half in yearning and half in hope. She felt like love was a long but well worn road and they were walking toward each other.

One night she was drinking under the cherry blossom tree. That night she was more yearning than hopeful. She didn’t understand what their relationship was. Were they friends? It felt like friendship. They had an understanding, an unspoken comfort with one another and she knew that she was the one he spent most of his time with. But there was tension too. The stress of words left unspoken. Small glances that were left unnoticed. A touch here at the back. A graze of fingers. A pressure on the wrist. She felt certain he liked her back yet he didn’t seem to need to confess. Was he playing her? Was she a fool to love him?
She looked up and saw him making his way up the street towards her and the cherry blossom tree. She hadn’t told him she was there and he hadn’t asked. There were many moments like this where she didn’t tell and he didn’t ask but just knew. They had a tacit understanding. An easy bond.
“Go home, Jiwon-ah”
Jiwon looked up at him. His bleached blonde hair was fading at the roots and sideburns. He was in his well worn leather jacket and fitted jeans. His lips were as pink as ever. His eyes, as depthless as ever. She wanted him so bad she ached with it.

“What do you care if I go home or sleep here? What does it matter to you? Why do you worry about me? Why do you call me?” she asked. She wasn’t even tipsy yet, but she prayed he couldn’t tell. She just wanted to throw a tantrum just this once, under this cover of being tipsy and out of control
“Your mom keeps calling me worried whenever you’re late” he huffed turning around
She observed his back for a second. it was broader than it had been when he got here a couple of years ago. Over time he had filled up nicely, not as scrawny as he was when he first moved into town but he was still thin. His cheekbones were as ever prominent. She hated him for being beautiful for a second.
“Do you remember winter two years ago when you stayed behind and stood in the snow because I was scared about getting robbed? You liked me, even then. You were interested in me. I confessed to you first and did you a favor. How dare you play hard to get now?” she whined as she kicked at the ground. It was one of the few times she showed him the full extent of her frustration. She was mad and heartbroken.

“You don’t know what you're talking about”

Shame and anger flooded Jiwon at once. She knew him. She could recognize him from the timbre of his voice and his shadow alone. She knew the way he worked himself to death because he was a perfectionist. She knew the way he barely ate or slept until she made him because he was too caught up in work. She knew that he never dressed warmly enough in winters and wore too much in the summers. She knew the way he smelled, like coffee, cigarettes, metal and rain. She knew him. How could he say she didn’t know him?
“I know it all. I can see it. I can tell” she yelled at him
He turned around and walked toward her, a cold look on his face. And she knew that look too. It didn’t fool her and it wouldn’t drive her away. She stubbornly glared at him from where she sat.
“What do you know? Do you know what kind of person I am? Do you want me to tell you? He asked her, his voice a rasp, a bit frustrated.

“I didn’t even pass high school. I couldn’t adjust to it. I dropped out and left home. I lived on the streets for a long time. I always got into fights. Have you ever hit anyone before?” he was looking straight into her eyes now in a way he rarely did. Like he wanted to impress upon her the importance of this conversation. Jiwon shook her head
“I have hit people. I’ve enjoyed it too. I didn’t even realize my fists were bleeding” one corner of his mouth lifted bitterly into a smile that would be unsettling to anyone but not to Jiwon because she knew he smiled the same way when he got a piece just right after struggling all day with it. She knew that smile too and it was dear to her.
“I'm not normal in the head. I see dead people '' he said, glancing into the distance.
Jiwon sighed exasperatedly. “Is that all? So what? I also saw my dead grandmother in my dreams every night. So I told her to not worry about me and move on. I never saw her after that. Why don’t you try that?”

Hyun Soo didn’t understand this girl. He had just told her a small segment of the truth about his troubled past, his violence, the way his father’s ghost haunted him. Any half-wit with common sense would have gone running in the opposite direction. But Jiwon, for all her smarts, just sat there staring at him with those unendingly patient eyes and an expectant look. It felt like lunacy. Hyun Soo was not stupid or blind. He knew how the other men in the town viewed her. She was beautiful, obviously and she was smart, fun and likable. There was not a single person in the town that disliked Jiwon. Hyun Soo himself had witnessed two boys trying to hit on her and failing miserably because Jiwon had caught sight of him and ran toward him with an unbound joy that defied any doubts about their relationship in the eyes of the townspeople. To the world she was a beautiful young girl but to him she was a mystery he could not solve.

“There you go staring at me again like that. You are making my heart beat so fast” Jiwon was still staring straight at him. He felt like a deer in headlights. He was confused. How could his stare be anything but frightening? Even before his father had been convicted of murder and committed suicide, Hyun Soo was the eyesore of his village. He was odd and asocial. He was at best, a black cat to the normal people, a bad omen. Someone that would make you cross the street if you ever ran into them. If his eyes had ever caught onto anyone for longer than deemed appropriate they would have run screaming in the opposite direction. No one had ever looked at him and seen anything worthy of interest, romantic or otherwise. Except Jiwon, who had a smile like the sun and claimed his eyes made her heart race.
“I don’t understand you,” he said slowly.
She smiled then. “Is that a confession?” she teased. Hyun Soo was at a loss.
“Do you feel bad that you have nothing? Are you sorry you aren’t any better off than me? Then I want to tell you right now that I don’t care about any of that. All you need to do is see yourself the way I see you” her eyes seemed to beg something of him. He didn’t know what it was but he felt that if she asked, he would give it to her.
“I will love you even more from now. I will be really good to you. I will teach you anything you don’t know” she declared. Hyun Soo felt like a stranger in his own body. His heart was thumping against his chest and he couldn’t take his eyes off her. He was in awe. Perhaps he thought she was astoundingly stupid. Or brave. Or stupid.

She stood up abruptly. “I have nothing left to say. Let's just make out” and with that she leaned up on her tiptoes and put her lips over his
Hyun Soo wasn’t stupid. He had watched movies. Even spoke about it with Kim Moo Jin many years ago, the way teenage boys talk about girls, offhandedly, inexperienced. One time when Moo Jin was over at their place, Hyun Soo unfortunately accidentally walked in on Kim Moo Jin kissing his sister. Moo Jin’s eyes were closed and his fingers were trembling. Hyun Soo wondered if that’s what he looked like now, as his eyes fluttered close. He had known romance existed but he also knew that it had never been an option available to someone like him, someone the doctors claimed had no feelings.
Feelings or not, Hyun Soo felt his eyes close. They just stood there like that, Jiwon’s mouth chastely against his. He felt warm. It was his first kiss but he felt comfortable, a blanket of quiet over his brain. Jiwon’s lips tasted like his favorite beer, bitter but underneath all that just like Jiwon, like sunlight over snow. ‘I could stay here. Its not so bad’, he thought. For the first time he wondered how a normal man would feel in this situation. For once he envied them on this basis.

It was only a few seconds until he felt his father’s presence re-emerge. ‘Let me stay here’ he thought, speaking directly to his dad with his thoughts. ‘Please just leave now. I want to stay here’ He felt stupid. He was acting like Jiwon's advice would work. But then suddenly, his father’s specter turned around and walked away. Usually his father’s ghost appeared and disappeared at will. He had never seen the ghost turn back around and leave when asked to leave. Hyun Soo gasped and reared back.
Jiwon was smiling a bit, her eyes still mostly closed, swaying a bit like she was in a daze. Hyun Soo ran through all the times he spent with her and suddenly realized for the first time that his dad’s ghost never really came close to him or stayed too long whenever Jiwon was around. Mostly his father never made an appearance at all if Jiwon was around. He felt lightning slice through his brain. ‘That’s it. Father is afraid of Jiwon. He left because Jiwon was around. He won't come back if Jiwon is with me’. The discovery felt overwhelming. He was shaking and breathing hard.
Jiwon’s eyes were wide open now. She was staring at him the same way she had on the first day they met, some unanswered question in her eyes. He still didn’t know what the question was but he realized with a start that whatever the question, his answer was yes. He wondered what he looked like to her now, he was breathing hard, he could feel his ears burning, his mouth was a bit ajar and he was staring at her because he finally understood she was the answer to his question too.

He wasted no time. He grabbed her and kissed her, the strength of the new-found discovery powering him. This time the kiss was different. Both of their mouths were open. Jiwon gasped into his mouth and the sound of it turned the blood in his veins to vapor. He pulled her as close as he could and continued kissing her. His tongue was in her mouth and his hand was in her hair. Jiwon’s shock had worn off and she was melting into him like the ice candy he once saw her eat on a summer day. ‘This isn’t so bad’, he thought. ‘I can do this’. Kissing Jiwon was as easy and as natural as breathing. By all means this was their first kiss but they got each other’s rhythms instinctually. He knew when she would kiss his top lip and the exact moment she’d switch to the bottom lip. He also knew the exact moment she'd get sick of standing on her tiptoes so he picked her up just a bit off the floor and continued kissing her. He could feel the entirety of her body against his and it didn’t feel odd or uncomfortable. ‘I give up. That’s it. You win. You have me now. You will have me for a long time, for as long as you want’, he thought.

Chapter Text

Hyun Soo and Jiwon had sex for the first time the very night they got together. After their embarrassingly long make out session on the street the two finally broke apart when Hee Song’s phone started buzzing in his pocket. He placed her back on the ground carefully and Jiwon felt so overwhelmed by the tenderness in that small movement. She was certain she loved him and that he belonged with her.

“It's your mother. Should I pick up?” he asked her. His lips were red now rather than their usual pink. The tips of his ears and what little she could see of this throat were red too. She felt the urge to immediately find out how far that red would spread. She called her mother then making up some excuse about staying at a friend’s place. Hee Song was standing a bit apart from her, the red in his ears fading. She felt she missed it already.

“Can I come to your place?” she asked. She was aware it probably was too forward, too abrupt, not socially acceptable from girls especially. But Hee Song had never cared about societal rules very much and she prayed he wouldn’t start now. Thankfully he nodded, his gaze on her warm but uncomprehending.

Hee Song must be very innocent, she thought to herself when he made no move to kiss her even after they entered his workshop. 'He has no idea what I mean' she thought to herself sudden fondness for him bursting in her chest. So she took matters into her own hands and launched herself at his lips again, her hands clinging to his jacket collar. 'I want you' she thought 'I love you' as she kissed him thoroughly. Soon he was carrying her to push her against a wall, the very same one against which he had once cornered her and scolded her into deleting his picture. She suddenly felt a thrill shoot through her thinking about how this was Hee Song she was kissing. The Baek Hee Song she had liked for two years. The one she had pined after and cried for. This day had finally come and she felt extraordinarily lucky that it had. He was not her first kiss or her second but she felt that she wanted him to be the last person she ever kissed.

Hyun Soo had stumbled through his life. Metaphorically. He never understood normal people, their emotions, their joys, their sorrows, their honeyed words with their bitter meanings. He had stumbled through it all the way he was now stumbling through the door jam of his bedroom. He had never for a single second expected his life would come to this point. When Jiwon kissed him expectantly at the front door it dawned on him that she wanted something more from him. The knowledge of it was overwhelming. He dropped her onto the bed quietly and looked down at her. He acknowledged distantly that she was very beautiful. Even more so than she was 2 years ago. Her hair had come unbound, her top had already been shed somewhere along the way, her pupils were blown wide apart, she was in a black bra, her chest heaving. She sneaked a hand to his belt buckle

“Hee Song oppa” she sighed. Hyun Soo had seen and heard Jiwon in many situations but nothing compared to what she looked and sounded like right now. He felt powerful. He hadn’t even passed high school, he had a violent past and had nothing in the name of savings. Despite being aware of all this, Jiwon still wanted him like this. He felt like a god. In that moment he thought to himself that if she always said Hee Song oppa like that he would want to live as Baek Hee Song until the day he dropped dead.

Their first time was hurried. Hyun Soo didn’t know what to do or how to do it but Jiwon was always there, patient as always. “I'll teach you anything you don’t know,” she whispered in his ear. Hyun Soo had never known his body could feel like this. Like liquid fire trapped in skin. Every touch was a discovery, a lesson learned and filed away to ponder on later. One touch led to a hundred others and dusk became dawn.

Later, they laid in his disarrayed bed, their skin cooling. Hyun Soo’s head was pillowed on Jiwon’s naked chest, her heart beating evenly against his ears. If he was a normal man this would be the moment where he assessed his feelings for the woman he’d just slept with. But Hyun Soo wasn’t a regular man so he just planned his next course of action. Hyun Soo wasn’t a man who half-assed anything. He was only 11 when his father first introduced him to metal working and he’d decided that very day it was what he wanted to do when he grew up. He’d spent the next several years under his father’s apprenticeship learning the craft. This was much of the same thing really. He needed Jiwon. He needed Jiwon to keep his father away. He felt safe with her. It was as easy as breathing with her. She made him feel the same way metal work did. Peaceful but purposeful. He had found new purpose in Jiwon- keep Jiwon with him, keep Jiwon happy. Hyun Soo knew people could have casual sex but it never occurred to him that their dalliance was a casual one.

When they woke up, Hyun Soo made them breakfast. They were barely done with their meal before they jumped each other. They had sex right there on his kitchen counter like they were crazed teens with no self control. He had begun to neatly catalog Jiwon’s reactions in his head. What she liked, what she didn’t, what made her grip his shoulders hard enough to leave marks, what made her curl an ankle over his calf affectionately, everything. When Hyun Soo collapsed onto Jiwon after he finished, the two of them spontaneously burst into laughter for no reason. Jiwon felt heady. Hyun Soo was surprised. He had had a vague idea of what sex was. In his imagination it was just curtains and shadows and whispers and breath. He had not expected such camaraderie in lovemaking. He had not expected that they would burst into laughter mid sex and none of it would feel awkward or out of place. He had not expected the warmth, the comfort. When they were done they sat in his bed, his head in her lap and her fingers carding through his hair. Hyun Soo felt all his limbs loosen like they did when he finished a commissioned piece ahead of time.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked, looking up at Jiwon. She smiled down at him “If you hadn’t asked me I would have killed you” Hyun Soo simply took her hand and pressed a kiss onto her knuckles. “I plan to stick by your side for a long time so don’t kill me just yet” he whispered. Her eyes glazed over when she looked at him. They sat there for a long time like that. Her hand in his. His head in her lap. Her teary eyes looking into his sure-fire ones. 

Chapter Text

Hyun Soo and Jiwon fell into a new routine after their official coupling. Jiwon had a busy schedule as she was still preparing for the Police cadet examination and Hyun Soo spent most of the day working. But they spent every spare moment with each other. On most days Jiwon would rush back from the library to have lunch with Hyun Soo at his place and every night Hyun Soo would wait at the library to pick Jiwon up. Some days she left the library early so they could spend the evening together basked in the glow of their new-found love. Some days Hyun Soo shut down the shop to spend more time with Jiwon.

For Hyun Soo, this time was crucial. He spent every single second with Jiwon trying to identify and label the entire spectrum of the normal human emotion. Jiwon was the easiest person to learn this from because the pretense that most people carried simply didn’t seem to exist within Jiwon. Jiwon only said what she meant and only meant what she said. She was never duplicitous or vague. She was bold enough to say what she wanted most of the time so Hyun Soo never felt like he was walking on eggshells trying to guess what she wanted or meant. Jiwon was also perhaps the hardest for someone like Hyun Soo to be around because Jiwon’s emotional meter always seemed to run at a full 100%. She was never just glad, she was ecstatic. When she got upset it was near impossible for her to stop crying. When she lost her temper, it was hell on earth. It seemed she felt everything too keenly and intensely. Privately Hyun Soo joked with himself about how she felt enough for the two of them. 'The heartless sociopath Do Hyun Soo and the vibrant, rapturous Cha Jiwon, what a pairing' he internally chuckled dryly.

It had been only a few months into their relationship when Jiwon received news that she had passed the cadet exam. Over a decade later, Hyun Soo would retrospectively muse that he must have loved Cha Jiwon very much, even back then because no sane fugitive would have continued a relationship with a newly appointed cop. Jiwon had rushed into the workshop that day, she was so loud the couple down the street could have heard her. Jiwon was ecstatic again, perhaps more so than Hyun Soo had ever seen her be. Happy Jiwon was a sight to bear. By now Hyun Soo had known her long enough to know the exact curve of her eyes when she smiled and how the colour of her eyes became warmer the happier she got. Hyun Soo had tried and failed to recreate her level of enthusiasm because at this point he was able to read emotions but unable to mimic them convincingly. Jiwon didn’t seem to mind anyway. They hadn’t even made it to the bedroom that night. They had fucked on the couch with most of their clothes still on after which Jiwon had passed out on top of him like a weighted blanket.

Hyun Soo felt inexplicably light like that, with his hand on Jiwon’s bare lower back and her warm breath on his neck. The caution and fear he had within him due to his father’s spontaneous appearances had mostly disappeared. In those early weeks into their relationship he was often on the lookout for his father’s ghost, even pushing himself into stressful situations to see if the ghost would materialize, but it never did. The ghost had been exorcized. Sharing his life with Jiwon had made his fear dissipate, he thought as he tightened his hold on her. 

Hyun Soo slowly realized that he had been trying to stuff Hyun Soo into Hee Song while he should have been trying to mold Hee Song in the shape of Hyun Soo. He couldn’t live according to the handful of personality traits and quirks the Baeks had assigned their son. He needed to mold Hee Song in Hyun Soo’s shape and not the other way around. That was the most sustainable way to live and die as Baek Hee Song. Later that week when Jiwon confessed that her parents had found out about their relationship and wanted to meet him, Hyun Soo made the smallest changes starting with his appearance. His general look, outfits and hair had all been based off of Baek Hee Song. As a man living under cover, he had stayed deep in Hee Song’s shadow because his only motive was to stay undetected. Now he had different motives, like being the most perfect boyfriend Cha Jiwon would ever have so she would never leave him.

First, he ditched the scuffed jeans and leather jacket and went for a more respectable look. He wanted Jiwon’s parents to trust him. There was no point in trying to keep Jiwon with him if her parents didn’t approve of him. Then he dyed his hair black. It was a great relief to Hyun Soo because he really hated the extra cost of maintenance and knew that a bleached blonde boy toy wasn’t exactly the first impression he wanted to make.

Later that night, Jiwon’s hands were running through his cropped black hair “you look so different” she whispered into the night. The candle they had lit during the blackout was fading out and in the dwindling light, Hyun Soo could vaguely make out the look of wonder on her face. His chest felt tight

“Do you like it?”

 Jiwon snorted. “No matter what your hair color is, Hee Song oppa is handsome” she snickered. Hyun Soo sighed serenely.

Time passed like that, like a fly caught in ember, momentous but slow. Hyun Soo was a man of many grand secrets, some more than others but perhaps his grandest one was that he liked to keep a journal about everything Cha Jiwon. The journal had started taking shape in 2007 before they had even gotten together but after Jiwon’s unwelcome love confession. It was like a sickness. Hyun Soo felt the need to catalog everything about this odd girl that hung around him and always, always watched him. He had a great many observations about her even before they had officially gotten together like the fact that she loved the rain, or that she hated moths but loved butterflies or that her favorite movie was life is beautiful. It would take another decade before Hyun Soo would even begin to realize that he was simply lovesick but the Hyun Soo of then still believed he was just a scientist studying the curious case of Cha Jiwon.

Only 3 months after they officially got together, Jiwon was transferred to a district in Seoul. She had discussed it with him forlornly one evening over their favorite beer and japchae.

“Isn't this something to celebrate?” he asked her, studying the downturned slope of her lips and that persistent wrinkle in her forehead. He felt the odd need to smooth it away. His Jiwon should only ever smile. He still had much to learn about normal people he admitted regretfully to himself.

“Oppa. I'm being transferred to Seoul which means I can't be here with you. Are you not upset that I'm being transferred?” Jiwon was tearing up now. That was Cha Jiwon for you, Hyun Soo thought, a dramatic lover.

Hyun Soo being unlike everyone else also meant that he didn't consider some things as serious issues as other people did. He was confused by her reaction.

“If you go, I go with you” he declared, grabbing her hand, like it was only the most natural decision in the world. Jiwon stared up at him like he had gone insane. 

“That's not funny” 

“Good, it wasn't meant to be. I'm being serious”

“I can't ask you to uproot your entire life and move to the city for me”

“Then it's a good thing you didn't ask” Hyun Soo was rarely stubborn about anything as he was still on project perfect boyfriend ™ but when he was serious he’d never budge. Jiwon wasn't easy to convince but Hyun Soo eventually won this argument.

Chapter Text

The happy couple moved to Seoul in early 2009. The question of living apart hadn't even occurred to either of them since the moment Hyun Soo had said he’d go where Jiwon does. In that era it had been near impossible to find a place to live together as an unmarried couple but neither of them considered giving up. Eventually they leased a cramped second floor apartment owned by a very old lady who gave very few fucks about whether or not the “newly married couple” were truly married. Hyun Soo had shut the lease on his shop back in town and packed all his possessions into a mere two bags. When they moved into their apartment, they had a ratty mattress, two rickety chairs and a lamp from Hyun Soo’s old workshop. The walls of their new apartment were a faded yellow and Hyun Soo was pretty sure it was damp from water leakage at some places but it didn't matter. To Hyun Soo and Jiwon it was paradise. They loved the cobbled mosaic floors, the marble counter and the tiny balcony. They had fucked passionately that night under Hyun Soo’s flickering lamp on the ratty mattress after their usual beer which was lukewarm because they hadn't bought a refrigerator yet.

As they lived together, their home got fuller as did Hyun Soo’s journals. Now that he lived with her, he discovered a million new details about Jiwon. She always washed the dishes she ate in but never the dishes they cooked in. She always failed to put her used clothes in the laundry hamper and liked to leave them around the room like little treats. She could not cook to save her life. She hated shower sex. She loved walking around in tiny shorts or better, Hyun Soo’s boxers. She always slept deeply like a child, sprawled like a starfish. She liked to be covered in blankets while she slept but she piled them on Hyun Soo as the night progressed because even in her sleep she knew that Hyun Soo had a tendency to get colder as the night progressed. She had sensitive ears. She slept on his right side, always. She liked white and beige clothes the most. She liked comedy shows and pop music. She hated humid days because they made her hair unmanageable. She loved kitten heeled shoes. She made friends easily and kept them easily too. She liked a lot of people but loved only a few. She called her mom every alternative day at exactly 7 am right before she set off to work.

There were hard days too. Hyun Soo couldn't afford his own workshop in Seoul rented or otherwise so he picked up a job under a semi-well known metal craftsman in their vicinity. Some weeks they had nothing but cup ramyeon to eat because he didn't get paid on time or most of their income went into rent and utilities. But when they were together, nothing else really mattered. There were good times too. Jiwon would get a bonus and treat them to beef. Hyun Soo would score a big client and they would take a weekend trip to someplace close. There was often laughter in their home but Hyun Soo thought laughter would follow Jiwon wherever she went. There were jasmines on the balcony and indie pop music in the living room and late night conversations under heaped blankets. He had settled into their life unnervingly easily. Being with Jiwon was as easy as breathing. Hyun Soo simply concluded that he must be an excellent sociopath if it was this easy for him to fake such an intimate relationship. Much later Hyun Soo would realize he was just very in love but that wasn't until much much later.

Cha Jiwon was in love. She’d fallen in love under the first snow one night 4 years ago and to her surprise she had just…… kept falling. It’s not that she hadn't had boyfriends before. She had had many a passing fancy but nothing that had really stuck. It was different with Hee Song. He was stable. He was real. He was her light at the end of the tunnel. 

In the beginning he was almost naive in his innocence. He never seemed to understand the simplest things and was often out of his depth. But Baek Hee Song was nothing if not a quick study. In him, she found someone that truly cared for her like no one ever had. In their early days she was often at the library till late at night but no matter how late she got or what the weather was, Hee Song was always there. Storm or snow, he was always there patiently waiting in his corner for her. When she was young her father had once told her that words could lie but actions could not. Hee Song’s actions spoke louder than his words. Many times he’d walk her home in the rain. One such night she’d realized that he always held the umbrella over her mostly so she’d never get wet but his shoulder was always drenched. Something in her chest warmed at that and just like that she’d fallen in love all over again. 

When they started living together she had realized all over again how much he cared for her. Their tacit understanding from their years of ambiguous friendship continued in their relationship. He seemed attuned to every emotion she had. Sometimes when she’d come home with a headache, he'd brew her a cup of chamomile tea and they’d stand in their small balcony, his hand rubbing soothing circles on her back. Sometimes when she missed her parents, he’d instinctively know and make her mom’s trademark dish. She fell in love a million times over. She fell in love every time he snuck his cold feet under warm ones with his sneaky smile. She fell in love every time she saw their toothbrushes together in their tiny bathroom next to his razor and shaving cream. She fell in love every time he read under the terrible lamp on the other side of the room because he didn't want to disturb her at night. She had always been a happy person but she had never known happiness this big.

Their time together also helped her unearth the mystery that was Baek Hee Song. She found out more about his parents over the years, two doctors who had raised their son to be a math prodigy but had failed to take his personal interest into consideration. Hee Song had left home and school after a nervous breakdown in his senior year with what little money he could scrounge up. He had not seen his parents since. He had lived on the street for a while till he earned enough money to move to their town and open up the workshop. The scar on his chest was from the time an acquaintance had tried to stab him during a fight. His face had darkened when he talked about it. It was obvious he didn't like to talk about his time on the streets and she didn't like to prod. The Baek Hee Song of the past was of no consequence to her. The one she loved was the Hee Song of here and now. The Hee Song that could not fall asleep at night unless he was facing her. The Hee Song that liked to give her shoulder rubs. The Hee Song that liked to buy her a cupcake every month on the date of their anniversary. The Hee Song that pressed his nose into her neck every morning to just breathe her in for a few moments because it was his only way to get through a whole day without her.  

Sometimes it was difficult for her to believe that she had gotten so lucky, that the two of them had come so far together. Just a few years ago all Jiwon could do was hang around him and try to tease a smile out of him. Now, she woke up with that smile pressed into her lips every morning. It was a charmed life, she thought.

Chapter Text

At the height of the summer that year, almost exactly 5 years since Hyun Soo and Jiwon had first met, Jiwon’s father collapsed at his job from a massive cardiac arrest. Hyun Soo was the one to get the call as Jiwon’s phone had sent her mom’s call straight to voicemail. By the time Hyun Soo and Jiwon made it back to town, he had been pronounced dead. 

Hyun Soo had known Jiwon for five years and had been with her for three years but he had never seen Jiwon in that state. The generally lively Jiwon had become listless. She was crestfallen and jelly-kneed at the funeral. They returned to her mom’s place and bunked there for a week but eventually had to return to Seoul. Jiwon seemed to fall deeper into a pit when they returned to Seoul. She still followed her perfect routine. She still had her mix coffee at 7am sharp but she no longer had it on their balcony amidst the scent of jasmines. Since neither of them could cook they usually just had omelet or toast or cereal every morning. Jiwon was never a picky eater, even relishing cold milk and cereal but after her father’s death she barely seemed to eat. Jiwon was always someone that fell asleep the second she hit the bed but now Hyun Soo watched her stay awake staring at the ceiling for weeks together. The condolences poured in with no end but every well wisher seemed to leave Jiwon more unhappy than the last. Cha Jiwon was wasting away and Hyun Soo was at his wits end.

He knew that Jiwon and her father had shared a close bond. He knew that she often texted her father pictures of funny posters she saw on the street, sent him joke tees and sang trot songs with him. When they had started dating she had been most anxious about receiving his approval. To Jiwon her father was more than a hero, he was a friend. He remembered when Jiwon had first introduced him to her parents. After dinner her father had taken him aside to chat. Jiwon’s father was an unassuming man with a plain appearance but he had the same intensity in his eyes that Jiwon had. Hyun Soo had immediately known that she took after him. 

“My Jiwon….I fear I have not prepared her for the world. When she was growing up I sheltered her too much. I watched and heard all the awful things in the world so she would not have to see or hear them. I only showed her the best places, I only introduced her to the best people, she only had the best food and only heard the best music. Because of me she believes the world is a better place than it is. To be honest, I am uncomfortable with handing my daughter over to you. I do not trust you very much. But I know my daughter. I know that once her heart is set on something she will not budge. There is nothing I can do about it. I simply hope you will not show my daughter the worst of the world” when he spoke his voice was grating and weighty.

Hyun Soo had remained quiet for a while.

“I don't think Jiwon is unprepared for the world, '' he’d said. “I think Jiwon only sees and hears the best of people, of the world because she chooses to, not because she is unaware of all the worst it has to offer. She is simply strong enough to look past the worst and embrace only the best. I know because that’s what she did for me. That's what she's doing for me. I tried many times to dissuade her but she chose something good in me that only she can see. I can not promise you that she will never see or hear anything bad in her lifetime but for as long as I am by her side I can promise I will keep trying to be the best for her. I will only give her my best” the words seemed to come from somewhere deep inside Hyun Soo, some place he didn't know existed. 

Jiwon’s father was quiet for a while. Then they shook hands for a long moment. Her father’s eyes on Hyun Soo were warm. For once Hyun Soo had felt the taste of approval. 

Over the years he had done some extensive reading about empathy, about putting himself in other people’s shoes. It was not something he was naturally capable of but Hyun Soo logically tried to recall the time he had found out his father had committed suicide. The news about Do Min Seok being a serial killer was released a week after his funeral. For that one week, he had just been the orphan Do Hyun Soo, not the son of a serial killer Do Hyun Soo. Do Min Seok was a vicious serial killer but he was also a shockingly caring and involved father. He had lovingly fostered his and his sister’s artistic spirit. He had set aside a large fund to send them both to expensive art schools. He listened to them patiently. He indulged their interests and whims. He was of course still a serial killer who had also tried to foster murderous intent in his teenage son but Hyun Soo and Hae Soo had only found out at the same time the rest of the world did, on the news one dreary morning while the newly orphaned duo were still mourning their dearly departed father.

He tried to think back on what he felt like for that one week. He vaguely remembered feeling like he was traversing a long dark tunnel which was seemingly endless. He tried to imagine Jiwon in that tunnel, cold, damp, unable to see the light at the end. The thought of it made him uncomfortable. He had to save Jiwon from the tunnel. At any cost. First he had to fix the fact that she was barely eating. She was beginning to look gaunt and he refused to see her waste away. The two of them had survived for years on bare minimum cooking skills but the situation called for more. He slowly recalled his days of working as a delivery boy and all the recipes he had heard about then. He looked up other recipes and slowly started cooking full meals, elaborate dishes, especially Jiwon’s father’s trademark dishes. Once he made her her father’s bibimmyeon. It was the first time in 3 months Jiwon had sat through and entire meal. Hyun Soo went to bed that night with a small smile on his face.

Recovery was a slow road. Some days she ate all her meals and smiled at him. Some days she lived in her head and listlessly stared out their balcony. Some nights she slept soundly. Other nights she woke up crying. 

One night he couldn't find her when he reached for her in his sleep and jerked awake. Jiwon was on their balcony. She had her glasses on. She often had her glasses on these days because she was too tired to put in contacts. Hyun Soo thought she looked refined and stately with them on. 

Looking at her sitting there in the dark he once again thought about Jiwon in the endless dark tunnel, all alone. He hurriedly sat down by her side and took her hand in his and placed a kiss on it. 

“Jiwon-ah. I won't let you be alone. If I can not save you from loss and sorrow I will at least go through it with you. I will never let you suffer alone” he promised. Jiwon turned to him and looked into his eyes, her eyes burning bright for a second. Hyun Soo smiled. His Jiwon was coming back.

Chapter Text

Life got categorically better over the years. Hyun Soo and Jiwon had both found footing in their career, were bringing in more money and saving it to buy a bigger, nicer house. Hyun Soo had started putting aside money for his own workshop. With Jiwon’s support he had finally gotten his GED. He had no interest in going to university but at least now he was a high school graduate. They were both still busy at work but that meant they came home eager to see each other after a long day. They were each other’s slice of paradise.

Heaven couldn't last forever, Hyun Soo thought sullenly as he sat opposite his ‘parents’ in an expensive restaurant with Jiwon at his side. He had had minimal contact with the Baeks over the years. They occasionally checked in on him to see if his cover was still safe or if they needed him to fulfil some fake son duties but he hadn't met them since the night he’d left Seoul all those years ago and he was most displeased to have run into them while he was with Jiwon.

Jiwon had tagged along with him to a high profile art exhibition that Hyun Soo was interested in and they’d bumped into the Baeks who were of course there as a part of the pretentious upper echelon freaks who had no interest in the arts but faked it twice a year to look good to their peers. They spotted him first and made their way to him just as he spotted them. He felt the bile rise to his throat when their eyes fell on Jiwon. The tension was palpable as the two parties gazed at each other.

“Baek Hee Song. We are happy to see you have been well” director Baek said while Mrs Baek  glared holes into Hyun Soo's skull.

“Mom. Dad. hello” he replied monotonously. Jiwon’s eyes when she stared at him in shock was almost comical. Hyun Soo almost smiled. She had never seen the Baeks, even in pictures. She looked awkward and nervous.

There were a series of introductions and whispered conversations with the Baek’s high profile acquaintances all of which Hyun Soo handled with the grace and poise that would be expected from someone with Hee Song’s pedigree while Jiwon fluttered around him, squeezing his hand and giving out shy awkward smiles. The Baeks had then invited the two to a meal so extravagant he wondered if he could even digest it with ease. 

“We have been trying to find you all these years but who would have thought you’d end up running into us during our little shindig. Along with….a partner” director Baek said, aiming his greasy smile at Jiwon. Hyun Soo felt his chest close up. 

“Her name is Cha Jiwon. She's my girlfriend” he deadpanned and glanced at them while the Baeks stared at Jiwon like she had grown two horns on her skull. 

The dinner was stifling and long. The conversation was at a bare minimum punctuated with glares from Mrs. Baek. After it was done, the Baeks invited him over for dinner. Just him. An obvious dismissal of Jiwon. Hyun Soo clenched his fists for a second before remembering their dismissal of Jiwon is the best option for her. It was best she stayed away from these crazy people who put a strange fugitive up to play their own son. 

When they got home that night, Jiwon was unnaturally quiet. It was unsettling. Anxious thoughts were running in his mind a mile per minute. Did she sense something was off in their interactions? Was she put off by his ‘parents’? Was she upset? Was she having a hard time? Why wasn't she talking? Not having the ideal “meeting the parents” was a hit to any relationship. Maybe he should make her favorite oxtail bone soup? 

“So those were your parents?” she asked quietly. Hyun Soo nodded cautiously. 

“You must have missed them terribly,” she said as she laid down on their bed. Hyun Soo crawled in next to her and pecked her forehead. “With you by my side I never missed anyone” he declared. Jiwon still looked blank, odd. “What's wrong?” he asked, rubbing her arms.

 “I think this must all be fate. I was going to tell you when we came home tonight and we incidentally ran into your parents” she looked odd. Hyun Soo was out of his depth. He was beyond confused. 

“Jiwon-ah, what's going on?”

Jiwon took a deep breath “I think I'm pregnant. I took a couple of tests. I don't think they are completely reliable so I have a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow” 

For a moment it seemed like even walls were holding their breath. Hyun Soo could only hear static in his head. A child. His child. Jiwon was pregnant. He had gotten her pregnant. His brain felt like mush and his chest felt like it had caved in. Hyun Soo was having a panic attack. Still, he tried his best to not let it show on his face. He didn't want to upset Jiwon. They had not yet discussed children but having a meltdown in front of Jiwon would not solve anything. He was the perfect boyfriend and perfect boyfriends do not freak out over the probability of their progeny inheriting their psychopathy. 

“I see….”

“I don’t know if we’re ready for kids yet but seeing your parents felt like a sign that we are” Jiwon looked doubtful.

“You…don't want kids?” Perhaps Hyun Soo was losing it over nothing. Perhaps Jiwon did not want kids

“Maybe someday. But I just got promoted and you just started saving for your own workshop.  Our hours are insane. We’re still living in this small apartment. The savings account for the new home isn’t looking that great. I don't think we’re ready” Jiwon was emotional but she was also very logical. Hyun Soo always thought it made her the ideal romantic partner

“Then you don't have to think that seeing my parents was some kind of sign to have kids. If you don't want to have them, don’t. No matter what you decide I have your back. We are a set, you and I. Don't forget that”

Jiwon smiled at him and ran her fingers through his hair. “I haven’t decided anything conclusively yet. I think I should go to the doctor first. But I have to say your face is making an excellent pro-baby argument right now. If our kid is as beautiful as you I will be very happy” Hyun Soo chuckled dryly. “If we’re having a child I hope it's a girl who is just like you. If you just gave me a mini Cha Jiwon I'd be very happy” he grinned toothily. They fell asleep like that that night curled around each other like parentheses, their hands interlocked.

The next day Hyun Soo restlessly paced the length of the doctor’s office. When Jiwon came out of the office, it was one of the few times Hyun Soo was unable to instinctively read her face. It worried him to no end. 

“So? Are we pregnant?”

“No” Jiwon had the most curious expression on her face. Hyun Soo could not comprehend it.

“Are you relieved or upset?” 

Jiwon seemed to mull it over for a few moments. “Neither I would say. It’s just surreal because we almost made a baby. We almost became parents. Until this moment I had never thought about the depth of our relationship. The kind of relationship we have”

Hyun Soo gazed at her quizzically

“The forever kind” Jiwon’s smile transformed her face  

Chapter Text

The years passed in a lull between work and maintaining their home. Every summer Hyun Soo and Jiwon took a few days off to stay with Jiwon’s mother. There were a handful of painful dinners in expensive restaurants with the Baek family initiated by Jiwon who wanted his “parents’’’ approval. Their careers were smooth sailing with Jiwon climbing her way up to a prominent detective position  at the Gangsu Police Station and Hyun Soo forming connections that were going to aid him in securing his own workshop. They could truly say they were getting to being financially well-settled. All in all those were some of the best times of their life.

Hyun Soo was considering marriage. It seemed like the natural next step. He had been with Jiwon for seven years. To him, they were as good as married. They shared the same home and the same life. She was the first person he saw when he woke up and the last he saw before he slept. He had decided that he would be the perfect boyfriend so Jiwon would be with him his entire life but as they aged he’d realized that no matter how “married” he was to Jiwon in every sense but the legal, he was just a boyfriend to the world, not family, not her person. Once when Jiwon had gotten hurt at work and sent to the hospital he wasn't even able to enter her room to take one look at her because he was not family. It hadn’t mattered that the clothes he wore still carried the scent of her perfume or that he knew every nook, every corner of her soul and body. He was not allowed to see her simply because he wasn't her husband. The thought of Jiwon a wall away from him while he was unable to go to her was terrifying. It tormented him for many nights. That’s how he came to the conclusion that they had to get married. He was the perfect boyfriend who was going to deliver the perfect proposal and become the perfect husband. 

He had planned to propose on New Year's Eve at their favorite cafe. He was going to rent it out for the evening, watch the snow fall and pop the question. He had even written down what to say and practiced how to say it in the mirror tens of times. He was as prepared as he could ever be. His plans fell apart when Jiwon revealed that she had booked a reservation for the same evening in the most expensive restaurant on their side of town. The one neither of them could have afforded when they first moved to Seoul. 

There was a type of magic in the air that New Year’s Eve night. The snow was light, nobody had taken their Christmas lights down yet so everywhere they went Hyun Soo could see them reflected in Jiwon’s eyes. They ate dishes that cost a week’s salary and drank wine that was older than them. When they stumbled into their home later that night they were intoxicated by the success of their love, the life they had built together in Seoul. They had moved to the city with nothing but each other and now they had a car, they were looking at houses and Hyun Soo was preparing for marriage. There was a special kind of love reserved for lovers that stuck with you through your 20s and entered your 30s with you hand in hand. The kind of lover that was your "first person I lived with" but also "the first person to find a stray stress grey strand in my hair". It was a heady kind of love. 

They were already kissing before the front door even shut. Jiwon kissed like she did anything else. Helplessly. She always kissed Hyun Soo like kissing him was the most inevitable thing in the world. The sun would rise in the east. Water was wet. And Jiwon will kiss Hyun Soo. Hyun Soo was always single-minded and thorough in his love for Jiwon. It was like kissing Jiwon was his only purpose in life. When Jiwon slid a hand up his shirt that night he was suddenly reminded of that night all those years ago when they had first slept together. The way she had called him Hee Song oppa in that tone and shifted the axis of his universe in a single second. It felt like another one of those moments.

They'd had sex a thousand different times in a thousand different positions in a thousand different places. But one flick of the wrist, one kiss on a beating pulse it was like their first time again. Hyun Soo would once again feel overwhelmed & out of control. Jiwon would once again feel like she'd accomplished the greatest deed since the invention of the number zero. But in some ways it was better because they now knew each other thoroughly. Now Hyun Soo knew to start kissing his way up her wrist to her chest. Now Jiwon knew to scrape her teeth on his lower lip just the way he liked. He knew that she liked to kiss the corners of his eyes and the tips of his ears when they fucked. They knew it all about each other. Jiwon sometimes wondered how they managed to breed this much yearning alongside that much familiarity. She wondered how it was possible to come alive like this under his hands like she had done a million times over the years. She wondered how she never once got sick of it. 

Hyun Soo always believed Jiwon was the first of them to fall asleep but he was wrong. Hyun Soo tended to pass out quickly after they had sex and Jiwon had the habit of watching him for a while. He'd stopped shaving after he lost a bet with her earlier that month but he broke his punishment streak to shave so that he'd look his best on their date that night. In his hurry he'd cut himself on his chin. The thought of him hurriedly shaving when she broke the news of their surprise date to him earlier that evening warmed her from within. She wondered if it was possible to love someone so much that your chest aches with the very thought of it. 

At first she'd not realized she'd missed her period. She was in charge of some trainees at work and the extra workload kept her occupied. And Jiwon never really had the most regular cycles anyway. It was when she missed her February's cycle that she began to get suspicious. No matter how stressed she was she wouldn't miss two months in a row would she? She suddenly remembered their pregnancy scare a few years ago. How out of depth both of them had been. She didn't want to tell him anything until she was sure. That's how she found herself in an obstetrician's office one weekend. 

"Congratulations! You're pregnant. I would say about 6 weeks along" the doctor said with a smile. Jiwon stared at the doctor uncomprehendingly. 

She took the long route home that night as she analyzed her feelings about being pregnant. Frankly she'd never considered marriage or kids since she'd decided to become a detective. She knew the pressures & dangers that came with the job & how female detectives were treated in the workplace. The long, irregular hours, the emotional exhaustion and the eventual desensitization. But she had been able to forget all of it because of Hee Song. Her friends had even said she'd likely never be able to get married or would have to only date other cops because most men or their families would not welcome a cop bride. Especially not one that worked in homicide. She worked half the day. She had to leave the home at odd hours & come back at odd hours. She almost never made it to family events. She could be intimidating to some men too. But none of that existed with Hee Song. From the second they'd started dating he'd been nothing but immensely supportive. 

He'd dropped everything and moved with her so she could be closer to her job. He'd had to struggle to get a footing in the big city's metal crafter circles. He'd had to distance himself from his family who didn't approve of her job. She left home early & got home late. She never had time to do any of the household work so he took on the job seamlessly. He cooked, he cleaned, did all the shopping and maintained their home all while working just as hard as she did. He never complained about all those nights she left their warm bed to go on stakeouts or about all the birthdays and anniversaries she missed. In a word, Baek Hee Song was perfect. He was the most understanding, selfless and supportive partner there ever was. And just like that Jiwon made the decision. If Hee Song agreed too, they'd keep the child. They'd already found a home so they could move into the new place with the baby. They could make their new home their family home. She decided he'd have one more surprise on his birthday this year. 

Chapter Text

Jiwon had been antsy for a week now. She seemed to get distracted easily and zone out. She also didn't seem to want to make eye contact with him that often. Perhaps she was planning a birthday surprise? Hyun Soo found his "birthdays" really funny. Jiwon always went out of her way to do something special for him every year. He wondered what she'd think if she knew that she was celebrating the birthday of a man that was as good as dead. The real Hyun Soo had not yet turned 30 but Jiwon was preparing to celebrate his 33rd birthday

Unfortunately since it was Baek Hee Song's birthday he had to subject Jiwon to another one of those painfully awkward dinners with the Baeks. He was just digging around for a tie to wear to the fancy restaurant they were taking him to when he found an ultrasound. Now Hyun Soo wasn't a doctor but he also wasn't stupid. Jiwon was pregnant. For real this time. Hyun Soo went hot and cold simultaneously. 

They decided to cancel on the Baeks that evening. They called in sick and stayed in to talk about the pregnancy. They had found their dream home last month and were in the process of moving. The pictures on the wall had come down and were boxed up first. Some of the clothes were packed too. Old albums Jiwon had brought from her home went in next. On that evening only the peeling wallpaper and the ultrasound in Hyun Soo's hand remained in the room. 

Jiwon had curled up on top of Hyun Soo  like a domesticated cat. Hyun Soo placed his hand on her lower abdomen. He could feel it. He'd been so stupid to not notice

"I was going to tell you when we got home today," Jiwon started. "I'm only a couple of months in so if you decide otherwise we still have time to. You know" 

Hyun Soo tilted her chin up to meet her eyes. "But what is your decision?" 

Jiwon breathed evenly through her nose and started picking at a loose thread on his cardigan. "I never thought this would happen to me considering my job. But suddenly I thought about you waiting for me when I come back from my night shift with chamomile tea because it helps me sleep. Or cooking my favorite dishes for me even if you don’t personally like them. Or waking up before I do to  put chains on my wheels when it snows. I have greedily eaten up all your diligent care over the years. Now that a new person is coming….I can not begrudge them all your love. It's not that I want to have a child, it's that I want to have your child"

Hyun Soo flexed and unflexed his hands. "Your decision is my decision," he smiled.

Jiwon's answering smile was like sunlight over fresh snow. "I have another question for you"  Hyun Soo raised a perfect eyebrow. 

"Marry me" Jiwon smiled. "Marry me. Let's make a family" Hyun Soo spluttered, stunned. 

"I…. was planning a grand proposal but you beat me to it" he admitted sheepishly. 

Jiwon laughed loud enough for their downstairs neighbor to hear and leaned up to press her lips to his. "I don't need anything grand. Just say yes" 

Hyun Soo smiled. "Yes" 

Hyun Soo was on edge as he lay next to Jiwon that night. His mind was a myriad of worries and anxieties. He couldn’t fathom bringing a person like him into the world. He dreaded it. He thought about his ghastly father gently encouraging his young self to brain a rabbit dead. Do Hyun Soo was like Grimm's dark fairy tale character. He was a warning board that spelled danger. And now Jiwon was carrying his child. The thought of it sent shivers down his spine 

He gazed at her as she slept. The drapes were shut but the kid who stayed here once had glow in the dark stickers that were still stuck to the wall next to Jiwon so he could make out the slope of her nose and plush of her lips in that light. He knew how that skin would feel if he touched it. He thought about the way those very lips had smiled when he'd agreed to keep the child. He tried to imagine how that smile would fall if he said he didn't want to go through with it. It made him uncomfortable. 

Jiwon slept like an angel. She didn't make any noise or move around or wrinkle her forehead or nose when she was asleep. She looked so peaceful as she slept. Hyun Soo suddenly realized that this kid would be hers too. This child could be Satan's spawn like him but they could also be like Jiwon. Innocent, simple, kind and emotional. He tried to imagine a child with Jiwon's peaceful sleeping expression and found himself smiling to himself. Nothing that came out of Cha Jiwon could be that bad, right? 

For the first time in a long time Hyun Soo thought about his mother. He thought about whether her being around would have changed his life or his sister's. He wondered how his life would have turned out if his mom hadn't left them under his father's dark shadow. He remembered very little of his mother but he could remember that when she was present there was always music in the house. Their mom would sing as she swept and cooked and washed dishes and his father would sweep her along to the sound of music while his sister and him giggled. Surely he couldn’t have gone wrong this way if she had stuck around for long enough. Surely nothing with his mother's goodness could become so corrupt. This time things would be different. This time he would raise this child differently than his father raised him and his child would have a warm mother like Jiwon who would help him. 

He swept Jiwon's hair behind her ear and kissed her goodnight as he laid his worries to rest for the night. 

Chapter Text

Hyun Soo was loath to call it a shotgun wedding. He had been working on proposing for a long time but the arrival of the baby rushed up the process by a lot. Jiwon wanted to have the wedding ceremony before she started showing too much

“I’m only going to get married once. I can’t look bloated and fat in the only wedding dress I'm ever going to wear” she remarked with a scoff one night when they were fixing up the new house. They didn’t have a lot of money because of the expenses of the new home and the baby on the way so Hyun Soo managed to rent a cheap venue off one of his clients. He didn’t want to bother Jiwon with the wedding planning so he did most of it since a wedding planner didn’t fit in their budget. The wedding came together more easily than he expected it would and that's how Hyun Soo and Jiwon ended up having an April wedding.

Their wedding was on a warm, nearly muggy day. Jiwon was resplendent in a white wedding gown. Since it was still early into the pregnancy she was showing only a little but she held a bouquet in front of her tummy in a self-conscious fashion. She was faking a smile for the wedding photographer like she wasn’t hurling her guts out into a trash can just half an hour before the photoshoot. Her skin looked clammy from the climate and the pregnancy sweats. Hyun Soo instantly called for a break. 

When the cameras were down Jiwon lamented about her new husband’s family not attending their wedding. Hyun Soo unwittingly thought back to when he had revealed the news of their wedding and the pregnancy to the Baeks. Mi Ja had smacked him across the face hard enough for the inside of his cheek to tear while Baek Man Woo quietly thundered. Hyun Soo had to spend hours trying to convince them that Jiwon would not pose a threat to either of their secrets and he had ended the conversation with a request to them to not attend his wedding. Pregnancy was hard enough for Jiwon without his disapproving “parents” adding to her discomfort on what she expected to be the happiest day of her life. 

“You are all I’ve got Jiwon-ah” he said, honestly. Jiwon scoffed gently and shook her head. He had lied to her a thousand times over the years but this alone was not a lie.  Do Hyun Soo indeed had no one but Jiwon. Yet as Jiwon spoke of family he couldn’t help but think of his only remaining family, his sister. He tried to imagine her fluttering around, fixing his necktie or hugging Jiwon or clapping with tears in her eyes as her younger brother walked down the aisle. The image evaporated like smoke before he could even touch it. He hadn’t seen his sister since he had run away from home that fateful night. He could only picture her teen self drenched in the village head’s blood with tear tracks down her face. He couldn’t picture her all grown up and sending him down the aisle. She was no longer that 19 year old girl and he was no longer the fugitive Do Hyun Soo. He frowned at himself inwardly and moved on.

Jiwon looked a lot better when they walked down the aisle. The familiar beam of exhilaration he had come to expect from her shone bright on her face as she waved at her friends and family present. The officiant pronounced them husband and wife. Hyun Soo dipped Jiwon and kissed her like they were in a 90s romantic movie as everyone cheered.

They timed their housewarming perfectly so that their first night as a married couple would be spent in their new home. Hyun Soo gingerly bridal carried Jiwon across the threshold as she threw her head back and laughed. They sat in their new bed in their old pajamas eating their wedding cake. Hyun Soo could still see bits of the “Baek Hee Song weds Cha Jiwon” inscription on the cake. For a second he wondered what it’d be like if the cake said “Do Hyun Soo weds Cha Jiwon” but he cut the thought off in the bud. Cha Jiwon would not want Do Hyun Soo. She had chosen to marry Baek Hee Song and so he would be Baek Hee Song for as long as he was alive. 

Chapter Text

One night in the season of the summer rains, Jiwon and Hyun Soo pushed open a window and sat beneath it. Jiwon’s swollen feet were on Hyun Soo’s lap as he carefully kneaded them. She was over six months along and her maternal leave had begun. She’d just chuckled heartily at Hyun Soo’s eyebags because he’d been pulling all-nighters reading baby books. Hyun Soo was adamant. If he couldn’t naturally develop paternal instincts he would learn them, emulate them and he would be the greatest father that ever lived. He was going to read everything ever written about pregnancy, birth and child-care. 

As he stared at her visage he suddenly thought of Jiwon on their “first date”. She had held onto his wrist for the first time. He had gone home and written about it in his Jiwon journal. She liked the rain. She laughed easily when it rained. It felt surreal. If he went back to the past and told the Do Hyun Soo of that time that someday he would be sitting on a sofa with his pregnant wife massaging her feet, his past self would have scoffed in his face disbelievingly. So much of who Jiwon was then still held true so many years later. She still laughed the same. She still pouted the same. Even just a moment ago she had held onto his wrist in the same possessive manner, as if her grasp was a brand. So much time had passed and so much had changed but perhaps this was the first time Hyun Soo had found peace within the chaos of life. Perhaps he had found the life he was meant to live. 

“I was thinking….” he started. Jiwon turned around to look at him. 

“I was thinking that if we had a daughter we could name her Eunha. Baek Eunha” he smiled. Jiwon smiled as he did “Why?”

He thought of the gold in Jiwon’s hair coming alive under the Eunhasu billboard. 

“We first met there, remember? You can think of it as a tribute to the place that led me to my destiny” he laughed. Jiwon sat up straight and kissed him smack on the mouth for a long moment. The lights were dim, Jiwon’s shift dress was bursting at the seams and the neckline was beaded with perspiration. He wanted to devour her whole. 

“Okay. let’s go with Baek Eunha” she smiled. Hyun Soo pressed his mirroring smile into hers and let the night pass that way.