Archive of Our Own ^beta

From: [email protected]
To: All Staff
Subject: Progress

C0dA-00 Test Module has been found to cause flu-like symptoms in laboratory mice (p-value <.0001). I suggest that we freeze this sample until further notice, then wait for an opportune moment to unleash the first strain. Thank you for your patience.

From: Michael Davidson
To: Gemini
CC: All Staff
Subject: RE: Progress

where are you getting all these mice from? don’t people ask questions?

From: Gemini
To: Michael Davidson
CC: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: Progress

I have a lot of grad students on NIH grants who’ve gotten cynical with the pace of progress and dropped out of the program. It’s not that hard to forge a few signatures (and if this is over the heads of some of you, I really suggest you up your game, because you’re going to need to fool more than the paper-pushers).

From: [email protected]
To: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Progress

Fine with me. Just as long as they’re not from Los Angeles or San Francisco or one of those cities, you know the thresholds for cancer significance are statistically higher in California.

From: [email protected]
To: All Staff
Subject: Dibs

When this is all over can I call North Africa? I’ve always wanted to see Algiers and Khartoum. Maybe set up some military bases there and decree myself overlord of all I survey.

From: Michael Davidson
To: [email protected]
Subject: RE: Dibs

No objection on my end. Too hot. Are you sure you really want it, though? It seems chaotic enough as it is and I can’t imagine things are going to get any stabler in the months to come.

From: Cancer
To: Michael Davidson
Subject: RE: RE: Dibs

Before you can make a vaccine you have to crack a few cows. I think that’s how the saying goes.

From: Sagittarius
To: Cancer
CC: All Staff
Subject: RE: Dibs

Fine with me but can you please pick a less creepy pseudonym?

From: Cancer
To: Sagittarius
CC: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: Dibs

What? No! This is my field of research, I totally get to be “Cancer.”

From: Sagittarius
To: Cancer
CC: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Dibs

You mean it’s not your actual zodiac sign?

From: Gemini
To: Sagittarius
CC: Cancer
Subject: Pseudonymity

You didn’t think we just assigned people their zodiac sign as a pseudonym, did they? Weren’t you born in June? I mean, otherwise we’d have to go around drafting people to fill in all the months we didn’t already have and we’d need extra Libras or something. We can’t be having too much justice over here.

From: Sagittarius
To: Gemini
Subject: Re: Pseudonymity

No, I was not aware that I was apparently a Gemini or whatever, because I’m an actual soldier, not a pseudoscientist or whatever you people at the CDC apparently waste your time on these days.

P.S. If we’re still doing this, dibs on Tokyo, I guess.

From: [email protected]
To: All Staff
Subject: Backup Plans

I have a new strain of C0dA tested and ready to go. It is twice as effective as the previous sample. I suggest we store it elsewhere from the previous sample to prevent contamination.

From: Michael Davidson
To: Capricorn
CC: All Staff
Subject: RE: Backup Plans

Didn’t the last sample kill all the lab rats eventually? How can this one be twice as effective?

From: Gemini
To: Capricorn
Subject: RE: Backup Plans

I like your idea. Where do you suggest storing this one?

From: Capricorn
To: Gemini
CC: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: Backup Plans

My inclination would be underneath the old facility on Peachtree, but I’m open to other views.

From: Sagittarius
To: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Backup Plans

Like which Peachtree? Narrow it down.

From: Cancer
To: All Staff
Subject: …

Not to get impatient or anything, but are we going to get a move on at some point?

From: Gemini
To: All Staff
Subject: RE: …

Eventually. We need to wait for a time when it won’t be obvious that there’s something weird about this virus. And hopefully, when it won’t be strange for us not to find a cure right away.

From: Capricorn
To: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: …

And the wait time on that is….?

From: Gemini
To: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: RE: …

As long as it takes for three other typical diseases to break out at the same time. It’s more common than you think.

From: Sagittarius
To: All Staff
Subject: Comparisons

So with your first strain ready to be released next week/year and Capricorn’s hidden in the vault, are we sure there’s any practical difference between the two?

From: Capricorn
To: Sagittarius
CC: All Staff
Subject: RE: Comparisons

Well, based on the lab tests and the genetic design, I expect so. For obvious reasons, we haven’t been able to test anything on humans yet. But if the first results come back too slow-acting or too virulent, we’ll be able to modify them over time.

From: Gemini
To: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: Comparisons

Don’t forget that we’ll be controlling the CDC funding too so anyone trying to control the spread of the disease won’t be able to move too slowly or too fast, depending on their results. That will be the main tool to keep C0dA in check for as long as we need.

From: Sagittarius
To: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Comparisons

I’m just saying, for a bunch of accredited scientists, you seem awfully unconcerned about the experimental method.

From: Gemini
To: Sagittarius
CC: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Comparisons

You know, good point. If it means that much to you, you should be the one to join the field team that’s futilely trying to find cures. They’ll need someone to string them along for a while, destroy the Faded along the way, and then abandon them to their fate, and none of us can be spared. And since you’ve claimed to be too ignorant to know how to cure diseases, they won’t suspect a thing. Hole up in Tokyo for a while, pass some information along when we show up to infect Patient Zero, and you can join them in June. Just in time for your birthday party, eh?

From: Sagittarius
To: Gemini
CC: All Staff
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Comparisons

That’s not what I meant! They’ll see right through me!

From: Michael Davidson
To: Sagittarius
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Comparisons

After half a year of having their expectations thwarted at every turn? I’m not so sure they will. And even if they do…you’re still the one who controls all their equipment. Use it well.

From: [email protected]
To: All Staff
Subject: Happy New Year!

Remember that January is cold and flu season! Please be sure to wear masks when coming into contact with patients, and always wash your hands.

Welcome to our new co-workers! Remember to list your birthday on the spreadsheet (attached) so we can celebrate at office birthday parties. (Please be cognizant of all allergies and health concerns, and if possible, bring snacks that avoid food contamination.)

If you are booking international travel, please see the office for reimbursements.

The CDC wishes you a safe and healthy new year!