Archive of Our Own ^beta

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There was some sort of poetry to how things worked in the south, some amount of irony, even if Connor was the only god there to really enjoy it, he only ever interacted with the humans that lived there when it was time for their deaths, and here’s what Connor liked most about the south, perhaps the biggest twist there was, death meant creation

It was a simple process, every human soul had a unique energy, one that, at the end of their mortal lives, he would use to shape a plant or animal, that was his job as a god of death, he thought of himself more as a god of change, it sat better with him

The reason all deities tired of the south eventually was because it only had two seasons, the sparse but heavy bouts of rain, which the humans used to cultivate, and the arid winds of snow, in which they hid, or walked north, because even humans tired of the south, but at least they returned eventually, the deities never did, they never let go of anything. Connor, however, loved the south during both seasons, he found beauty in the shades of the rainy season, and comfort in the quiet of the snowy one, and it was this love that turned him into an outcast, because everyone expected him to want to be with other deities, to ignore the humans unless it benefited him in some way, to be like the rest of them, but deities of death were always hated in the north, Connor figured it would save everyone from another bitter god if he remained south, he was happier here anyway, his sister disagreed

Oh! To be Zoe and have control over things like the night sky and its tunes, over poetry and music, things that even gods considered valuable; it had to be an easier existence. She was the prodigy child, the one who helped build constellations and write odysseys, she fit right in with the other deities, but she did care about Connor, or she tried to, he knew he was being difficult with her, but they could never see eye to eye, and she didn’t seem to understand that

There was little she could do to sway him though, and eventually, she too got bored of the south and left Connor be, she would visit occasionally, to check both on the stars that lit the southern night sky, as well as Connor, always bringing that one sentence question that she thought would make him relent

“Aren’t you lonely?”

And Connor was, but he never stepped into the trap, never answered it honestly, deep down he hoped she geared the truth behind his words

“I like the quiet”

It wasn’t a lie per se, silence was an old friend, but there were days where he missed the warmth of the godly fires. Sometimes Zoe sent Alana in her stead, Connor liked her better, Alana never pressed as long as Connor was willing to listen to her; and though he liked the quiet, he enjoyed the voice of the profession goddess, it was an easy deal

And then there was Evan

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Evan was a god of nature, it was nothing to write home about, there were so many of his kin, they all could make plants grow and animals were always at ease around them, nature deities were supposed to be good with living things, and Evan supposed he was, so long as said living things were incapable of speech

Evan particularly liked trees; the nymphs never put him on edge, despite their resemblance to deities, because they never talked past the melodic sounds and pointed looks, and they never expected anything of Evan, looking genuinely happy to see him whenever he visited their trees, tree nymphs were easy, they spent their time dancing and singing to the tune of the winds, and they were thankfully understanding, and fiercely protective whenever he desperately needed to be alone, hiding him from the other deities, it was a perfect arrangement, until it happened

Evan only heard stories about what happened exactly, whispers that were meant to sound like a love story, but it had been horror for Evan. Though he didn’t participate in the tale, he remembered the moment it happened vividly, the months in which the tree nymphs he had come to care for died one by one, while he desperately tried to find some way to keep them alive, to save them. Oh, how he cried during his first winter, then spring came again, and Evan allowed himself to hope, what a fool he was. The nymphs that came were different, they didn’t know him, and it broke his heart

It was perhaps a rushed decision, running off like that, but he just couldn’t take it, couldn’t take the nymphs that only appeared to him because he was a god, couldn’t take everyone wanting him to socialize, he noticed the border, it was hard not to in such contrast, the snow against the grass, like there was an invisible line, he didn’t look back

A crisp white field opened ahead, stretching out way past the horizon line; somehow, everything seemed to be bigger here. The mountains, though scarce, seemed to reach a little higher, the rivers and streams, though frozen, seemed to stretch a little wider, or maybe it was just his mind playing tricks on him, it wouldn’t be the first time

There was a heavy air that had little to do with the prolonged winter; it was a feeling of wilderness, like the place had been abandoned, normally that would be more than enough to send him scurrying back the way he came, but right now it felt liberating, it felt impossibly familiar

In that scenery of whites, and blues, and greys, there was something that resonated with Evan, something that was very much like him, a kindred spirit of sorts; moving forward, further away from the limit, seemed like the only sensible option

Only then did he meet Connor

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Jared had heard all sorts of things about the god that refused to leave the south. He was an unsocial sort, though most death deities tended to be, and he had a thing for self-sacrifice, or at least it seemed like it when Alana talked about him, Jared only got interested because he was meant to pair the god with Evan, because of course there was a system to these things, but it wasn’t written anywhere that Jared couldn’t tread the terrain, so to speak; and see if this god would be any good for Evan, unhappy unions weren’t uncommon for them, and Evan deserved some happiness after the whole season fiasco
Jared and Evan had something akin to a friendship, Evan would ask the nymphs to hide Jared whenever his pranks got him in serious trouble, and in exchange he would provide the nature god with some company, particularly conversation so Evan wouldn’t forget how to talk, it was a possibility apparently, Jared didn’t argue with his logic
As a prankster god, he could turn invisible, which came in handy when he did his job as love god, it balanced nicely, he believed. This particular ability made getting into the south easier, finding the death god that lived there took some time, but it was worth it in the end
The god was called Connor, and seemed perfectly content with his situation, though Jared did catch him staring at the human families with something that could only be longing. Connor was nice-ish, for a death god, he listened to the humans when they asked to be turned into something in particular, and worked mostly with plants and animals, which was perfect because Evan would love that
Jared had only been secretly following Connor for a week when Evan made an appearance, and he knew this was the time, the fun part was Connor, who seemed all too interested in Evan before Jared even lifted a finger, or hooked an arrow more like, keeping an eye on him from a far enough distance that he probably didn’t even see Evan clearly, Jared only recognized it was Evan because he knew the nature god very well, so he waited for the perfect opportunity
At one point a grey fox approached Evan, probably curious at the energy he emitted, and Evan stopped to say hello to the creature, Jared watched as Connor attempted to get a closer look, then have to hide behind the bark of what looked like a dead tree when he stepped on a fallen branch, Jared took the moment to arm his bow and take aim, the moment Connor peeked over the tree the arrow had already reached him
Jared fixed his position to get Evan quickly, he wasn’t always provided with two of the same arrow, and he was secretly glad that the feeling would be mutual, as he took aim he checked the color of the arrow, lasting love, he smiled as it sliced the air, hitting its mark perfectly
With his job done, he decided to indulge himself in watching this first meeting, in seeing the fruits of his labor, he’d been spending way too much time with Alana

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It makes sense that animals in the south would be different from the ones in the north, for example the fox that had approached Evan; it was grey, and it approached him to say hello in a strangely polite way for an animal, Evan liked creatures, they were almost as simple as tree nymphs, Evan shook his head, trying not to think about that, the fox looked at something, entirely alert, Evan followed it’s gaze

He remembers this one part clearly, repeats it in his head until all the details come back, his eyes move slowly up a figure that’s more shadow than body, Evan recalls noting bare feet and thinking to himself that no mortal being would be able to walk like that in this cold, recalls when his eyes finally found a face in the sea of black, and, oh, the eyes! The deity in front of him, and they have to be one to be this beautiful, has vibrant blue eyes, but he has a brown spot that, with the eyelids in the right position, seems to take over half of his right eye. But the one thing Evan remembers the clearest, is the way those same eyes zeroed on him, making him wonder what he’d done to catch the other’s attention

Connor knew that a nature deity had crossed the border, it was in the way the few animals that had peeked their heads to eat became restless, the way the wind itself seemed to be running with a sudden rush of energy. He’s only curious at first, and with reason, why would a nature deity come to the south during snow season?

So Connor made his way to where he felt the presence stronger, and he’s not thinking about actually talking with the other, or really making his presence known, though the latter will happen eventually if the nature deity decides to stick around for more than a day. He finds the other wondering about, carrying a curious look on his features, Connor tries not to be caught stalking the god, he has to hide on one point after stepping on a dry branch, rare as those are here, so he waits for a few beats before peeking again, it’s the closest he’s gotten, and when he does he catches the attention of the fox that has come to greet the nature god

Connor is frozen in place as he watches the other turning to him, and he is everything that he swears he doesn’t miss about the north, his blond hair resembles the fields, his eyes the lakes under the scalding sun, he is built for the warmth, for staying under a mat of leaves escaping the light, and for a moment Connor thinks this is what mortals write poetry about, but that’s not quite right either, and he looks at Connor like he’s the beautiful one, and he swears the snow has melted around him, then he notices that is has, no nature god should be able to do such a thing

It takes three words, carried by the wind like a gentle caress, filled with curiosity, and wonder, and amazement

“Who are you?”

Evan thinks there has to be a mistake, there’s no way this god is looking at him like that, surely there must be someone else here, but he doesn’t see anyone else, his breath hitches, why would someone so beautiful be interested in him?

“Oh, sorry… I’m Evan, I mean no harm”

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Where Evan went, warmth followed, he melted the snow away with every spoken word, and Connor found himself melting too, as he learned about the nature god, the closer he got to Evan, the more the south changed

The falling snow turned into soft rain, that fell too little for it to be rain season, the grass had turned a vibrant green, and the trees were filling with leaves, Connor couldn’t remember the last time he saw a flower, but now they sprouted as if following Evan’s footsteps, and all Connor could do was watch transfixed

Change was something he was familiar with, it was what he liked most of his job, what made the south so unique; it was easy to forget that Evan wasn’t a god of change, but one of nature. Talking to him was different too, because Evan was a listener, he did talk, stringing words together like a cascade, but unlike Alana, who did something similar, he always paused, always checked if Connor was still paying attention, and then he would become completely silent as Connor spoke, and the exchange was intoxicating, everything about Evan was

As it extended and settled in, it was hard to remember that the south wasn’t meant to have spring, and mortals were extremely fragile, so when one died, Connor should have seen it coming

Evan asked to tag along, dragging guilt with him like invisible chains, and Connor didn’t have the heart to tell him no, though he dreaded knowing what Evan thought of the way things worked down here, still, he guided him to the small settlement that had started cultivating as soon as they saw the snow recede

The human, a young female with copper skin, sits at the edge of the town, close to a mountain side, and Connor knows what she’ll ask to be before she speaks, it most likely has to do with how used he’s gotten to this, so instead of what she wants to be he asks if she wants to stay here, she refuses to move, then she tells him her story, and he listens, because he might as well be comforting while ceasing her existence, and she says what he knows but she adds something in, and he’s unsure how to give her what she wants, and as he’s thinking his eyes somehow fall on Evan, who’s been surrounded by dandelions, he’s brought so much life to the south, so much light to Connor…

“I need to ask you a favor”

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Evan had been looking for ways to extend the life of nymphs, he should have known better, what he had to extend was the life of their trees, it made so much sense, when he thought about it, when all he had to work with was the tree itself, no nymphs attached

“I… I think I can do that”

Connor gave him a soft smile, a grateful smile, and if Evan hadn’t already been developing feelings for the death god, he would have fallen right then

The following process is mesmerizing, Connor starts by sitting down in front of the dying girl, talking to her in a gentle tone, as he did the girl curled up and fell asleep, lulled by the words of the death god, Evan wished he knew the language he was speaking in, Evan can’t see the transformation itself, as wind picks up and covers both Connor and the mortal girl in a whirlwind, when it falls back down there’s a small-ish looking tree where the girl was, he steps up

The first thing would have to be the roots, they have to extend properly, get enough nutrients and what not, then the trunk, it has to be sturdy but flexible enough that it wouldn’t fall down so easily during a winter storm, then the branches, and then the leaves. The leaves are the most important part, because they would be the first sign of death, of change, and Evan feels an anger he didn’t know he possessed, and they’re thorny, and look nothing like any leaf he’d seen before, but he knows as soon as he sees them, that they won’t fall, will forever stay green

When he turns Connor is looking him as though Evan is some sort of fantastic sight, like he can’t quite believe he’s real; when the roles should be reversed, because Connor is the one who’s too good to be real, and Evan knows that his heart doesn’t belong to him any longer; he’s not sure he minds

Evan must have crossed the border just in time for the change of seasons, because spring is spreading around him, and there’s so much beauty in the south, the colors, the way the sun fell on everything like it was the very first time, it felt fresh, it felt new, it felt young, and Evan was filled the need to dance, he finds a clearing far from the mortal settlements, and looks around even though he knows Connor is currently doing his job, he takes a deep breath and lets his body follow the rhythm of the earth, it was something the nymphs had taught him

The more he spun around, the easier it was to breathe, to exist, and then to laugh, so he danced, danced because he had found a way for a tree to never die, danced because spring in the south was entirely hopeful, danced because he could

He felt Connor’s eyes and stopped himself, feeling a blush rushing to his face and ears, as he tried to catch his breath, to act like he hadn’t just done that, Connor looked shaken as he approached Evan, voice wavering

“Don’t stop”

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Life

That’s what it was. What followed Evan everywhere he went, and Connor was just as affected as the south was

Connor was sure now, as he watched Evan happily dancing, littering the clearing with nature, and looking so beautiful; that Evan couldn’t be just a nature god; because Connor had never felt this alive, never felt his heart so full

Evan must have sensed him, because he stopped dancing and turned to him looking shameful, and on the one hand Connor cursed at himself for ruining the moment, but on the other hand it was heartbreaking because Evan wore the expression of someone that had been caught doing something that they shouldn’t, and why would anyone want to stop Evan from dancing when it clearly made him so joyous

“Don’t stop”

Connor was pleading, to see that freedom once more, to hear that laughter, to get that mixed feeling of wholeness and emptiness, to feel alive

Evan evaluates him with his gaze, and Connor is too vulnerable in that moment, too slow to put his walls up, he expects the worse, but instead of the rejection and pity he figured such a sight would cause, he finds nothing but empathy, an empathy that only someone as lonely as him could muster, he truly sees Evan then, and he finds him to be perfectly imperfect

Evan gives him the prettiest smile, tentatively reaching a hand out to him, something serene in his gaze

“Would you dance with me?”

Who was Connor to deny him?

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When you actually, really, deeply, think about it, the world is a contradiction, because, in the boundaries of everything? It’s such a small, minuscule, thing; and yet. Yet to those of us who are stuck in one fixed point, who don’t have the means to explore it, it feel just as infinite, just as vast, as everything

In this infinitude, in this particular place and setting, in this specific moment where it’s just the two of them, dancing to a non-existing melody; here it’s where permanence sounds like a blessing, if either could stop time, freeze the earth on its axis, and just live in right now, they would in a heartbeat

But time moves forward, and even the feet of deities grow tired, so they come to a stop, and it takes a few beats to realize they have yet to let go, it isn’t all that hard to decide they don’t want to

Instead they talk, Evan tells Connor of his life in the north, tells him all about his friend nymphs and how they perished because of a nature goddess, how hopeful he had been when spring had come back, and how deeply his hopes had been crushed, he didn’t say anything about the time in between but Connor could guess what had happened, his heart ached as Evan glanced away through his story, and he squeezed him shortly for comfort, there was a small grateful smile painting his lips now

 So in return, Connor told Evan about his life in the south, what had driven him there in the first place, what had made him stay, even went as far as to tell him about the deities that had come and gone in the south, how nobody ever stayed, explains that spring isn’t a common thing in the south, and Evan gets this particular look

“So that’s why it felt so young”

Connor doesn’t know what to make of the statement, neither of them will ever completely see the world the way the other saw it, but he could live with that if it meant he could make his time with Evan longer. The nature god will leave, and this is a truth Connor is aware of, when whatever Evan was avoiding by being here settled, then he’ll be gone like any other god, Connor can only hope to convince him to visit every once in a while, if nothing else

So when Evan stays, long after spring has taken over, Connor doesn’t mention how long it’s been, and it should make him feel guilty, being so selfish, but then he sees Evan avoiding any place too close to the border, and he thinks that at the very least, he’s not the only one

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Winter had most likely taken over the north by now, so Evan doubted anyone was looking for nature deities right now, especially not ones as minor as Evan, it was mostly an excuse, he knew, to stay in the south

Everything was so different here, particularly the humans, Evan had never felt all that drawn to mortals back in the north, but the way the southern people interacted with Connor was entirely refreshing, Connor told him that they still believed in the deities that had inhabited the south at one point, Evan understood the bitterness his voice carried as he said this

Watching Connor work was really vexing, and it made death seem less final, and more of a cycle, sometimes Connor asked him to help with the newly created green-life or creature, the process is always gentle, it’s such a contrast with the way things are in the north, and Evan likes it a little too much

The pros of having a love god as a friend, and honestly his friendship with Jared was as unexpected as it was endearing, were that Evan had a good grasp on his own feelings, or at the very least the romantic ones; so he knew he was falling for the death god, and it was almost reassuring to know it was Connor, something secure in the notion

As time passed he’d come to understand why Connor liked it here so much, it was like a breath of fresh air, the greenery perked up when Evan passed, happy to see him, the creatures would often come say hello to him, it made him feel like he belonged, like he was wanted, it was intoxicating

And when summer broke he found that even the water was different, it made sense for it to run so brashly when it had been frozen for so long, it moved with an exited energy and curled playfully around anything that landed on its path, it was so alive that he often forgot there were no nayads guiding it

It made Evan wonder what it would look like in fall, painted in the browns, oranges and reds; for once the idea of such a season seemed alluring, because up to now the south had only had winter and fall, surely it would feel far more in place than it ever did in the north. It hits him that he wants to be here for the change of season, wants to stay even when winter returns, wants to stay longer that that too; in the short time he’s stayed here it’s become more of a home than the north ever was

He’d have to ask Connor about it, because no matter how much Evan has come to love the south, it still feels like Connor’s territory, it’s his place, and if the death god asks him to leave Evan would, he would miss it terribly, and he would miss Connor even more, but he would leave

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Connor can only faintly remember the last time he saw summer, the snow has completely disappeared, the lakes and rivers have thawed, everything has grown, and now the sun seems to have acquired a personal vendetta against the amounts of green in the ground

It’s on one of the cooler nights that his sister visits, and he knows, as soon as he feels her presence, that she’ll read him instantly, that she’ll know how helplessly Connor has fallen. On the one hand, he doesn’t particularly like the idea of his sister meddling with his and Evan’s… whatever it was that they had; on the other hand, he really wants to talk about Evan with someone, he would’ve preferred Alana for this

What happens is a bit unexpected, she’s isn’t here to convince him to go back to the north, she’s here looking for someone else

“The top guns didn’t tell us about it, but apparently the guy was why everything didn’t just die off when the whole angry goddess thing happened”

She pulls a face at this, obviously displeased at being lied to

“Everyone’s looking for him, because apparently he doesn’t know either; can you believe it?”

“I can surprisingly”

“Oh, har-har”

She looks around

“Anyway, how come it’s so warm in here? Usually it’s chillier in raining season”

“This is summer”

“What?”

“You should’ve seen spring”

“That’s… of course! He’s here, isn’t he? Connor you can’t kidnap deities because you’re lonely”

She’s always had the ability to piss him off, but before he can say anything another voice cuts him off

“He didn’t kidnap me, I ran away”

Connor wonders how long he’s been there, and when did he get so used to the other’s presence that he didn’t notice him

“I’m sorry, but I’m staying here”

Zoe blinks, and asks the question Connor’s been dreading to ask; only he would’ve used softer words when speaking to Evan, and a kinder tone when talking about his home

“You want to stay in the south?”

Evan gives a sharp nod before he directs his full attention Connor, smiling softly

“There’s so much beauty here, and I feel like I make sense here”

Then he turns back to Zoe, irritated

“Why would anyone want to leave?”

Connor can feel Zoe turning to him, possibly to imply that he brainwashed Evan, but Connor cares very little what she thinks right now; Evan has become the only thing Connor can focus on, he can’t pry his eyes away, and he doesn’t want to

It makes no sense that a nature god, someone so tied with life, would like a place as tied with death as the south, that Evan would like a place often plagued by the seasons that caused everything. Yet here he is, resplendent and ethereal, claiming that he can’t understand the millions of deities that have left the south behind, and Connor prays to everything, that he does get to stay

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Zoe had known, as soon as her brother mentioned the seasons, that the god she was looking for would be here, but in her head he was only there to hide, because the other deities avoided the south once they were done with it, or just in general. She had never expected a nature god of all things to share her brother’s obsession with the south

When she had first heard about it, like practically everyone else, she thought the god had simply gone missing, though their world was extremely miniscule in comparison to everything, it was still somehow vast, and getting lost wasn’t difficult. As time passed without any news, she thought the god was hiding on purpose, but paid it little mind, autumn had just began and the real effects of Evan’s actions were hard to notice, but then things started going badly, enough so to make the top guns fess up; that’s when the searching began

Now here she was, face to face with the nature god, and he could see him affecting his surrounding in real time, like the sun followed his footsteps, the grass bended to try and reach him, the wind danced gently around him, but then she looked at her brother and knew she wouldn’t be able to convince either of them, and she didn’t have the heart to tear Evan away from here, not when they were both gazing at each other like that

She lets out a long, heavy sigh, letting her body sag as the air leaves her

“I’m not going to force you to come with me, but I can’t promise the same for the others”

Evan nods, Connor steps towards him, reaching him in a few strides, then looks at Zoe pleadingly, she takes the hint and gives them space; moves far enough that she can’t make up what they’re saying, but she can see them, and she knows what they’re talking about

She sees Evan, hand moving up, almost like he wants to reach out to Connor, but then it drops to his side and he takes a step back; then she sees her brother reaching for the hand and grasping it in his own, something desperate in his features, and yet he’s gentle, gentler than she’s ever known him to be. She smiles to herself  

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Connor waits until his sister is out of hearing before he turns his attention to Evan

“Did you mean it?”

Evan smiles at him, softly, his hand makes a move as if to grab Connor but drops back, he moves forward and grabs it in his own

“What happens when fall returns?”

Because Connor knows it will, it feels certain, fall and winter are the natural state of the south; Evan has only added more seasons to the cycle

“You’ve shown me that death doesn’t have to be the end of things, that there’s life in it too, and frankly, I’ve fallen in love with your home”

Then he gives Connor a hopeful smile, cheeks tainted in a soft pink, bringing their joined hands so he can hold Connor’s with both of his

“I’d love to stay if you’d let me”

“There’s nothing I want more, but you can’t just abandon your job”

Evan sighs, nodding, and then the smile returns to his face

“What if I fix it? What if I go and make sure the trees don’t die anymore?”

“Like the pine tree?”

“Something like that, it would take me a while, but if I go now I would come back for the next spring”

“Would you really come back?”

His voice is wavy, he knows this, and he regrets his words as soon as they leave him, but then there’s a hand in his cheek, and lips brushing against his, and Connor stumbles over himself to kiss back feeling light headed and ecstatic

“I promise”

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One would think that time passes faster for an immortal being such as Connor, yet now that he had someone he wanted to see it was very different; it felt as though spring couldn’t come fast enough

He watches fall and winter pass around him, like he isn’t quite there, he does his job like always, though now the natives have a new myth to tell, about the nature deity that helps him during spring and summer, and about the new seasons as well, their words turn it into a love story, and Connor realizes only then that it really was

The change is much faster than last time, yet Connor recognizes it all the same. He feels the change in the breeze, the sun rays rising in temperature, smells the array of scents from freshly blooming flowers, and he runs
He runs through the still melting snow and thawing ice, he runs pass sleepy creatures eating, he runs until he's in the foot of the hill where Evan rose the first pine tree, and sees a figure dancing
And then he's face to face with Evan, who smiles widely at him as Connor spins him around to a non-existent melody
"Connor" 
It's said in that melodic laughter that can only belong to Evan, and it makes him smile like nothing else 
"You're back" 
He puts their foreheads together, admiring the way Evan closes his eyes and breathes deeply as he does so, and Connor missed him with every fiber of his being 
"I promised”

And all Connor can do is kiss him, because he's never been good with words, never experienced love before Evan, and it feels like the right thing to do

The End.