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“We broke up. It was for the best.”
That’s what Rafael said, when Liv first gave him a shocked look after Carisi yelled at him and stormed out of her office, stopping short of slamming her door out of pure respect.
“What happened?” Liv asked later, sipping on her glass of cabernet. She was using that voice. The one she used when talking to victim’s who didn’t wanna open up yet. Victim’s that she knew were going to put up a fight. Rafael didn’t point that out. He shrugged his shoulders and hoped he could pass as anything than how he was feeling. This was fucking him up inside.
“Nothing happened. We just weren’t right for each other. We’re okay.” he lied. Liv knew him enough to drop it, so she did.
They weren’t okay.
Carisi wasn’t okay.
To the untrained eye, he looked like he was doing fine. Carisi’s attitude was lukewarm on his good days. He still joked with Fin and seemed to spend almost all of his downtime with Amanda. Rafael had seen them leave the station together more times than he could care to count. Not that he was counting.
It was when they’re forced to share a room together, that Carisi’s true emotions would show. He was always shit at hiding how he felt.
His whole demeanor would sour in an instant when Rafael walked into the room. His patience would cease to exist, like it was never there in the first place. It would be impressive, if it didn’t hurt so bad. If it didn’t make Rafael want to break something every time he witnessed it, knowing it was because of him.
Carisi always chose to stand a good few feet away from him. His whole stance defensive; arms crossed over his chest, chin turned up in defiance, ready for a fight. Like he was trying to protect himself from him. Like Rafael wanted to hurt him.
And when they did have to speak, Carisi made sure to give minimal eye contact. His words curt, professional and impassive.
Rafael clocked the distance between them outside of the court house, “keeping Jesus between us?” He wanted it to come out as a joke, he even gave a smile to help but Carisi’s eyes narrowed. Viciously.
He scoffed and looked away, his lips pursed. “Everything’s still a joke to you isn’t it?”
It wasn’t a real question. When Rafael didn’t answer – couldn’t – Carisi slid his gaze back at him, a triumphant look in his eyes. “I thought so,” he said and brushed past him down the steps.
Something did happen.
They were right for each other.
They shouldn’t have been able to be right for each other. Rafael was high-maintenance, grumpy, rude to a fault, constantly stressed and pressured by his career and had the patience equivalent of a teaspoon.
Carisi – Sonny, was the complete opposite of that. He was earnest, polite, funny and so incredibly genuine and selfless it was hard to swallow. Hard to believe he was a real, breathing and functioning human being.
But it didn’t matter. Because Sonny brought out the tenderness in Rafael; made him realize it was okay to work with his heart on his sleeve. That it wasn’t a weakness to care. And Rafael found that Sonny was a real asshole at times and that just because he preferred to look at the bright side, didn’t mean he was naïve of the darkness in the world. Far from it.
“I never thought I’d have this,” Sonny had said one night in bed. He loved being the little spoon. Rafael gripped his arms around his thin waist tight. He knew what he meant.
“Who would have thought,” Rafael mumbled, half asleep. “Two Catholic men living in sin.”
Sonny kicked him and laughed richly into his pillow. “Yeah, whatever. Cheapen the moment.”
I love you, Rafael had wanted to say. But he couldn’t.
And he couldn’t say it later, when it mattered the most. And it cost him everything.
“He’s dating you know,” Amanda says now.
Rafael stops writing and controls his face. His chest hurts. His heart’s stuck in his throat, strangling him. He drops his pen and looks at her. She doesn’t look very happy.
“As is his right,” Rafael says.
“You know, I really liked you.”
“Rollins, with all due respect – “
“Save it. Do you think I don’t know what this was all about? You really fucked him up Barba,” Amanda cuts in, walking closer to his desk.
“I’m not discussing this with you.”
“Oh, like you discuss it with him?”
“He doesn’t talk to me,” Rafael says, sounding petty to his own ears. “He doesn’t want – “ Me. Rafael takes a breath. She needs to leave. “He’s happier without me. Trust me. Now if that’s all –”
“Wow,” Amanda says, eyes wide with a cruel smirk on her face. “Wow. You don’t even believe the words coming out of your own mouth.”
Rafael’s on his fourth glass of scotch when there’s a knock on his door. He frowns from his place at the couch. He checks the screen of his phone. It’s 11:54 PM. And there are four unread texts from Sonny.
He doesn’t read them. He scrambles to the door and throws it open.
Sonny stands – slouches – on the other side. He looks exhausted. His hair is floppy and in his eyes. He’s dressed in the same suit he was wearing earlier at work with his tie loosened. There’s a hickey on the side of his neck. He looks ravaged. Rafael feels his stomach sink at the sight of it. Someone had their hands on him. Sonny let them.
But Sonny’s here. Sonny left them and his eyes are wide and so blue. He looks relieved, looking down at Rafael. “Raf,” he breathes. Rafael didn’t realize how badly he missed hearing that; his name coming out of Sonny’s mouth.
Rafael’s already letting him in before he knows what’s going on. Sonny’s running a hand through his hair, pacing a little.
“Sonny, what’re you doing here?” He thinks he knows the answer and he’s terrified. It’s taking a lot of inner strength to not reach out for him and calm him down. Quiet the war going on in his head.
Sonny stops and turns around. He’s looking at him again and this time, he’s not shutting him out or pushing him away. He’s really looking at him.
“I’m fucking up here Raf. I can’t,” he stops and gives a helpless, hopeless smile. Like he’s ready to impale himself on his own sword, just to get the words out. “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretend that they’re you.” He shrugs his shoulders, offering himself up.
“I’m sick of feeling sorry over that. I still want you Rafael. I want to make us work. Maybe that makes me pathetic, I don’t know –”
“Shut up,” Rafael blurts out. Sonny’s eyebrows furrow at the interruption but he breathes out a sigh of relief when Rafael walks up to him and cups the side of his face and kisses him. “I was wrong. I’m an idiot.”
Sonny smirks and god, Rafael missed it. He kisses him again, just because he can. “Yeah, you are.”
“I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean a word of it.”
Sonny’s face softens and he wraps his arms around Rafael’s waist. “I know you didn’t. That wasn’t the point, you know that.” Sonny whispers.
He does. “I love you. I love you.” He doesn’t want him to forget. He’s going to say it until Sonny gets sick of it. Once the words come out, they all do. All the things he’s wanted to say but kept close to his chest. It’s like a flood. “I want a future with you. I want everything with you.” We can do anything together.
Sonny beams, a look of awe in his eyes. The words enriching him, bringing him back to life. Sonny traces his bottom lip with his thumb. “Take me to bed. I’ve missed you.”