Archive of Our Own ^beta

Looking back, Shiro would only blame himself.

He knows it’s not really his fault. He knows because he knows Keith like he knows the rhythm of his own heart, like he knows the blood singing in his veins when he sees him, and he knows that Keith wouldn’t have let him feel any semblance of guilt.

It’s always been about Keith, hasn’t it?

*

Are you there?

*

Loss isn’t as gut-wrenching as Shiro expected.

That sounds terrible, and a small guilty part of Shiro’s brain is beyond glad.

It’s not that he doesn’t care. No, not close, not ever. He cares so much. So much.

The thing is: he doesn’t know how he won’t be torn apart if he can starts feeling.

Loss for Shiro is displacement for as long as he can remember. He can’t feel anything. He’s still high on adrenaline, and he hasn’t cried yet. Every part of him is numb and tingling. Sometimes, he’ll walk all the way across the castle and not realize he’d moved until a few minutes later after.

Because Keith is dead.

It’s as if it’s happening to someone else entirely. He constantly feels like he’s on the outside looking in.

Throughout the following days, the others flock to him, looking up with wet, concerned eyes as they struggle to cope themselves. The sad part is that they’re all looking to Shiro for guidance when he can’t even remember what he did for the entire day yesterday.

Is it cruel that he hasn’t felt anything yet? There’s no pain except for the tangible loss of a man tugging him for a post-battle searing kiss, a man clinging to him as sweat and blood mix in the press of their bodies. He keeps bracing himself for the fall: for the true understanding that he’s lost his everything in the span of one hour. But he can only see:

Himself carrying Keith’s limp body, so fragile and gentle-and yet so, so strong, even in death- without being able to feel his hair as he strokes it with shaking fingers.

Himself, screaming, screaming, again and again.

*

I’ve been feeling lost for the last 13 hours.

*

He’s the only one with dry eyes at the funeral.

*

You know when you walk in utter pitch black? With nothing but your hands ahead of you and yourself and the tentativity and anticipation of hitting something?

*

Shiro has never considered himself emotional. That was always Keith’s thing- so empathetic and compassionate it hurt. He was the logical one, the anchor when Keith couldn’t quite make a full stop.

Except Keith isn’t here now, and it hit him in the middle of the night when everyone was pretending to sleep.

Easy come, easy go. Big wait, big punch.

No one has ever told Shiro how hard it would be.

To lose, to feel, to keep feeling.

And keep feeling.

And feeling.

But now the emotions keep crashing, and when he thinks it’s over, when he thinks that there’s a break, he remembers and there it is again: Keith is gone.

Keith is gone.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever truly understand, doesn’t think his vessel can carry that much emotional baggage. Because loving Keith-heck, knowing Keith at all- as deeply and utterly as Shiro did meant accepting so much love, and so much more to lose.

He doesn’t come out of his room for 16 days. Things like this need a lifetime to process.

*

I miss you.

*

For the next half year, he won’t be able to look in the mirror or shower without closing his eyes for the following reasons:

1. Constantly puffy eyes. Constant.
2. Red, blotchy skin not just on his face, but everywhere on his body where he clung to himself when Keith wasn’t there- which was achingly, agonizingly, always.
3. His skin has sunken in and the dark bags under his eyes are terrifying.
4. He finds marks and half-crescent moons in places where he doesn’t remember putting them.
5. He looks hollow and too far gone to come back.

*

Sometimes, I reach for you when you aren’t there. You don’t realize how much you rely on someone until you can’t anymore.

*

The other paladins look at him like he isn’t the leader anymore.

Shiro doesn’t blame them. It’s not that they don’t respect him. They just know they can’t talk to him without him spacing out in the middle of a quiet, whispered sentence or getting up to leave suddenly because the way Hunk said that word reminded him of the time Keith discovered marshmallows with him for the first time in a convenience store in the middle of the night.

But they help. They do. They avoid Keith when they know he needs them to, and they talk about him when they know he needs them to.

Allura comes up to him in the days following, her eyes just as tired as his. “This will pass, Shiro. But it’ll still be there forever. I can’t lie about that.”

“How did you forget?”

“You can’t. You don’t forget, you just distract yourself until the next time you remember. Take all the time you need, Shiro.”

*

Why did you start something we couldn’t finish?

*

And so the years pass. It disgusts Shiro that time decided to move on- that the seconds ticked and the minutes moved and the clock shifted without thought that Keith died.

But Shiro hates his own soul too, for not stopping it himself.

Keith would have done it for him. Keith would have moved the universe for Shiro. And he did. He would have kept doing so if he stayed alive.

Everyone reunites on his 35th birthday, long after the war and long after they returned to Earth. Shiro was reunited with his parents, his brother and he thinks it might have filled a bit of the cavity in his heart.

But not fully. It was still rotten and hollow without Keith there to them, to show the sushi place he promised to take Keith to when he saw the atrocious imitations in the Garrison that they took to the roof.

“I’ll show you everything,” he’d said. “My dog, those ugly raccoon slippers, the cherry tree in my yard. I’ll bring you to the city too, and take you sightseeing. We can go see the flowers bloom or something. It’ll be in early April, and if we’re lucky it’ll fall near my mother’s birthday and we can celebrate under the branches right on the petals like we did once when I was five...”

“Seduce me with your dirty organized trip planning, baby,” Keith had laughed. He thinks that’s when he pinpointed the fact that they had a future in front of them, and what he wouldn’t do to go back then; when the time in front of them seemed infinite and the moments golden and plenty.

The birthday is a quiet affair. The smile on his face when he sees the others again is real, but so is the twist in his heart when he counts the paladins to see who’s there, finds four, and remembers all over again.

Losing one thing shouldn’t have meant losing every happy moment from then on.

Hunk finds him after the small gathering, after the presents were opened- souvenirs from home cities and towns, all of them, almost as if they wanted him to escape- and the stories from the past years were exchanged- Pidge and her brother opened a small repair shop where they tinkered; Lance was pursuing that space science career; Allura was traveling Earth along with Coran; Hunk was catching up with family.

His steps are quiet. It’s the way they’ve all been after the incident, and Shiro knows with a deep-set guilt that it’s because they’re afraid to be too happy, that they’re afraid to move on lest it be like a betrayal.

“Hi, Hunk.” Shiro can still recognize every single paladin's separate footsteps, even now. He doesn’t turn around.

“Hey, Shiro. Just wanted to check up on you.” He’d left the party a few minutes before.

“I’m fine. Just tired.” The footsteps stop for a second, then turn slow as they near Shiro. He struggles to contain his flinch when an arm clasps his shoulder.

“Sorry,” murmurs Hunk.

“S’ fine. Just tired. Bit out of it.”

“It’s your birthday, man.” Then, he must realize, because Hunk immediately starts apologizing, but Shiro cuts him off.

“It’s fine. Seriously.” And then suddenly he can’t be here, not right now, tip-toeing around people he’s fought beside and laughed with once so freely. Slowly, he turns so his back is against the wall and slides down, feeling the wall ruck his shirt up and rub against his skin until his bottom hits the carpet and his head is against his knees. He feels Hunk gently mimic his stance until they’re reduced to two men, tired with their heads in between their knees facing each other slumped against a wall with a tension in between them that shouldn’t be there.

“I’m sorry,” Hunk says again into the fallen silence.

“You’ve already apologized.”

“No. I mean for everything. I should’ve been around more. You’re parents know you’ve lost someone, but they don’t understand how much he meant.”

Shiro held back the words he wanted to say, scream. He missed Keith like he missed his motivation, his pride, his everything. Every word he says isn’t enough, every explanation he tries to give doesn’t come close to what he feels.

Takashi Shirogane was so strong, so invincible. But Keith’s absence took so much with it.

Instead, he simply says: “I can’t even remember how he died.”

What he doesn’t expect is for himself to look up to see Hunk nodding softly. “I don’t think any of us do. It’s funny in a morbid way, isn’t it? Keith, the fieriest out of all of us to go out with something that wasn’t blazing. He was supposed to withstand everything. But what’s even worse was that it might’ve been something big, but none of us can remember anything beyond disbelief.” Hunk’s words start coming out choked somewhere in the middle, but he cries looking straight into Shiro’s eyes.

A pang. Did Shiro even comfort anyone during Keith’s death? Did he think of anyone beyond himself and his own hurt into the days, weeks, months, heck, years that it destructed? He feels like he did, but now that he thinks about it he couldn’t stay anywhere, anything- including a conversation- without having to leave in the middle. How dare he, to even imagine that he was the only one hurting, the only one to feel the loss.

The most he can do now is to gather a shaking Hunk in his arms, try to keep his tears off of the man’s hair as he scrunches them shut, so so tight.

*

We were supposed to see the flowers bloom, baby.

*

At least once a month, Shiro falls in love with Keith again.

When he’d first moved out of his parents' house a few years after they’d connected again, he wasn’t sure what to do about his memories of Keith. He didn’t have any photos, nothing but a Garrison photo they’d sent over when they got news.

In it, he looks stubborn, likely refusing to smile as a personal rebellion. His collar is rumpled and his hair is shaggy with a movement as if he’d just moved his head- still a few inches longer than Garrison regulation. His shoulders are held back and the slight tilt of his head could have been seen as haughty, but to Shiro, it looked defensive and lonely. It was before he’d met Shiro, longer before they’d gotten close, much longer before they’d first kissed, first seen a plausible future together.

Therefore, it doesn’t have the same impact to Shiro, but he can’t even describe the feeling he first got when he slid a paper printed out of an envelope and held it up to see a face so familiar and painful he’d almost crumpled it in shock.

Attached, there was a slip of paper- a note, not signed:

My sincerest condolences. I hope you heal or forget.

But Shiro isn’t sure he wants to- heal or forget. That’s a recent development. But he loved -loves- Keith, and he would have him in any way possible, he’d discovered. Even if he and his heart had to break a thousand times and it was only in his memories.

He remembers so much, and yet he’s so sure he’s forgetting so much at the same time. For every sweet moment he calls up, there’s another three slipping through his fingertips, and he wouldn’t even notice. But living through pain like this for so long had taught Shiro that he couldn’t get held up on that. Better live one kiss in perfect, heart-pounding clarity than torture himself because he might have forgotten what shoes Keith were wearing that one cold November day.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever find a love like that again. Keith was something that he can’t fathom even trying to replace, a one in a billion, a stars aligning kind of thing that he’d rather relive again and again than find a watered-down love.

The seasons change, the calendar flips over again and again, and Shiro lets himself spend his last few years pinpointing every moment he fell a little bit more into the gaping chasm that was love.

*

Something occurred to me late at night yesterday, long after the moon would have set: what if I forget you? I know I won’t, not really, but sometimes I scramble to recall your voice and the exact shade of your eyes and that terrifies me beyond anything else.

Every single thing I do is just another faint memory that might suck up space in my brain reserved for you and your everything.

I’m so scared to move.

If only we had more time. I had so much more love to give you. I had so much more memories to make with you.

*

Falling in love hurts a lot, it turns out. Maybe he should have rethought once a month. God, he just misses Keith.

*

Allura and Lance get married again early the next year, a few weeks after Shiro’s 60th birthday. It’s time to renew the knot, they’d said, hands firmly clasped together and grinning. They were the endgame, the prime example of a couple that loves each other all their life. They’d stopped feeling guilty about loving each other in front of Shiro, and he was endlessly glad. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if they had to sacrifice their love for his own feelings.

He’s invited as a groomsman and watches pride as it’s clear they’re still head-over-heels and devoted to each other 30, 40 years later.

Devotion. He knows that feeling oh-so personally. Three guesses why.

*

I miss you. Do you remember when you were little and you’d say a word over and over again until it lost meaning? It’s like that a little, except it still has meaning. The words have just bled into each other. ImissyouImissyouImissyou.

*

Shiro dies in his sleep peacefully on an early March morning. A little too early for the flowers, but he wouldn’t have known anyway.

He wasn’t sure he was experiencing death when he was. It was just… nothing. There’s just one thing though, something he can’t quite place, right before he slipped away, a tugging at his consciousness that seems so familiar…

*

I feel you. I miss you.

*

When he awakes, it’s in a mist, a thick feeling in his gut.

The astral plane has changed since he’d last been here.

He can feel more this time if that’s possible. It seems fulle, almost as if the Black Lion is trying to catch up.

Welcome back home, Black Paladin.

He can feel his heart tripping over itself, pumping so, so fast.

And then…

“Shiro!” It’s a loud yell, frantic and pained and in a voice that Shiro has tried to replicate in his mind millions of times in the last 40, 50 years.

There’s a tug in his mind, so sharp and sudden and intense it’s unmistakable…

“Shiro!”

God. His heart stops. He turns.

And there’s Keith. He’s there. It’s Keith, the man he first met, the man he fell in love with, the man he kept falling in love with, the man he wants to stay in love with forever. He’s everywhere at once, and then Shiro is running with no memory of starting.

He can see Keith, can scarcely believe it at first, thinks he’s imagining it.

He’s sprinting so fast, can hear his blood screaming in his ears can hear yells coming out of his own mouth he can’t hear, can see years and a lifetime and thousands of moments in the span of what seems like a blink.

He can see Keith speeding towards him even faster, but doesn’t slow down, goes even faster if that’s possible, feels like he’s about to trip over his own legs he’s trying to get there now, now, now.

God, Keith is so fast, has always been so fast, but now he’s scarcely a blur of desperation and red and black. He can’t even study his features, can’t even put every curve, every delicate line into his memory again but it’s ok they have plenty of time for that he thinks god he's here yes they have time they have all the time in the world he can't believe he was away from him for so long god he misses him but it’s ok he's here but somehow he still misses him oh he's here he's getting closer so close…

And then collision. Collision and knocked out breath but no pain and Keith is everywhere is he crying? He thinks he’s crying no he’s sobbing so hard he can’t breathe, so much like when it first his but it’s ok! It’s so ok because Keith is here oh god oh god oh god

He can feel him everywhere but nowhere all at once, wants to have him closer so much closer not close enough what is he saying? He’s babbling but Keith doesn’t care because he’s whimpering and making hard racking sobs but Shiro can’t ask him what’s wrong because he knows what’s wrong it's that he's here, he’s here.

He can’t even say anything. He wants to say everything all at once but he can’t breathe but breathing is the last of his worries he just wants Keith right now. The man he lost, the man he loves, the man he’s found.

Collision and starfall and I missed you so much and all the time in the world to fall in love over and over again once more.

*

My vessel is too small for everything I feel for you. You found me.