Chapter Text
spooder-man @NYCWallCrawler
just waiting for the sweet release of death
“Hey, Karen? How far do you think I can shoot my webs?” Peter flipped off of the webbed tightrope he had been walking on and landed on a rooftop below him.
Karen, his ever-faithful AI, replied, “You have 576 web combinations, should we test each one, Peter?”
“Uh, maybe not right now.” Pacing back and forth on the edge of the roof, he glanced out at the New York skyline. “Is there any crime happening around here?”
Just then, a loud crash echoed through the city.
“Well, that was perfect timing. Almost like we’re in a movie.” At that, Peter leapt off of the roof and swung towards the source of the sound. Or rather, into it.
Slamming into something hard, Peter sang Mmm Whatcha Say.
“Peter, that is the 61st time you have sang that in the last week alone. Do you want me to show you the full statistics?”
“It’s obligatory, Karen. You wouldn’t understand. Unless Ned reprogrammed it, he’s hacked into the suit before… Maybe he could teach you memes! Oh my god, that would be great! You could-” Suddenly realizing that he was being lifted into the air, Peter cut himself off.
“Mr. Hulk, sir! Maybe you could, uh, put me down?” Peter glanced up at the Hulk, sighing when he showed no signs of heeding Peter’s request.
“BABY AVENGER SPEAKS!” The Hulk happily shook his fists, with Peter still clenched in one.
“I’m not a baby-”
“HULK PROTECT BABY!” He tightened his grip on Peter, who was trying to wriggle his way out of the Hulk’s fist. Unfortunately, he had only succeeded in getting one arm out. It seemed to just be Parker Luck™️ that the police decided to show up and shoot at the Hulk. A poor decision, really.
“Uh, Karen? What are the odds that I’m going to be hit by one of those bullets?”
“According to my calculations, right now you have a 27.9% chance of getting hit, with a 5.4% chance of the bullet hitting a major organ. Every minute you stay here, it seems that number will increase 7%.”
“Oh. Is there anything you can do? Y’know, the upgrades and all.”
“Of course, Peter. Activating instant kill mode.”
“Deactivate! Karen, I told you no instant kill mode. What would I even use it on in this case? The bullets?” Peter let out a breathy laugh.
“Of course not. You would use it on the Hulk.”
“What? That’s just as bad! The Hulk gets his power through gamma radiation, which is nearly infinite- and when he’s angry, he’ll continue to absorb it, gaining even more power! These bullets are just making him angrier, and he’s just absorbing more radiation, and it’s just- In this state, he’s pretty much invincible! He destroyed an entire planet, I’m pretty sure instant kill mode won’t do anything.”
“Peter. Aren’t you forgetting something?” Peter snapped out of his thoughts, and registered the fact that bullets were whizzing by him, barely missing.
“Oh crap. Karen, other than instant kill mode, what can I do?”
“You could web up his eyes, and he might drop you to get it off.”
“Perfect! Thanks, Karen. You’re the best!” Peter used his conveniently free arm to spray his webbing into the Hulk’s eyes.
Just as Karen said, the Hulk dropped Peter to wipe the webbing out of his eyes.
“BABY AVENGER BOTHER HULK! HULK NO PROTECT BABY AVENGER.”
With every bullet, the Hulk seemed to get more agitated, and used both of his now free arms to swipe at them. He had almost managed to hit a few of them before Peter figured out what he had to do.
“Hey, uh, Hulk! Come over here! I, um, hate radiation?” Needless to say, Peter’s lackluster attempt at diverting the Hulk’s attention failed.
“Karen! Got any good insults? I’m kinda running out of ammo here. I’m insulting gen Z culture everywhere. It’s embarrassing. I mean, MJ has some good ones. Like ‘If I wanted to kill myself, I’d climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ’ or ‘I’ve looked everywhere. I just can’t find where I asked for your opinion’. But I don’t think any of that works with this context?”
“It seems you are on your own for this one, Peter.” Karen chuckled.
“Darn you, Mr. Stark, for creating such an unhelpful AI. I’m alone in this world, even my AI has abandoned me. Why has God forsaken this timeline?” Peter shot a web at the Hulk’s arm, and started pulling with all of his strength.
“Come here, you big ugly oaf! I guess with all of your smashing, you crushed my expectations of your intelligence. It’s safe to say that bar isn’t set very high now. God, it’s like you’re just a big greenball of ignorance and assholeishness.” Peter’s attempt at moving the Hulk failed. Miserably. Although, he did succeed at directing the Hulk’s anger towards himself. It’s the small victories.
“HULK SMASH!” In a fit of rage, the Hulk ran straight at Peter, trying to bowl him over.
“Haha! Yes!” Peter pumped his fists in the air to celebrate before attempting phase two of his plan. He led the Hulk towards an empty park, taunting him all the way there. He came to a stop, and barely managed to avoid being crushed by the Hulk.
Peter muttered quietly to himself, “What to do, what to do…” Quite suddenly, Peter was slammed to the ground by a green fist.
“Not cool, dude. You hurt my feelings.” Peter peeled himself off the ground just in time to miss the impact that would have squished him like the half-spider he is. Dodging the Hulk’s increasing attacks with a decreasing amount of energy, Peter went to his last resort.
"Um, do you want to hear a chemistry joke?" To absolutely no one’s surprise, the Hulk did not respond. "Oh, I was hoping for a reaction."
The Hulk stared incredulously at Peter for a second before resuming his attack.
“Damn, all the good chemistry jokes argon. Uh, knock knock.” The Hulk just grunted. “I’m just gonna take that as ‘who’.” Peter chuckled before continuing.“To.” Once again, he was ignored by the Hulk, who had stopped his attack out of curiosity. In a poor imitation of the Hulk, Peter grunted “to who?” Returning back to his normal voice, he said, “It’s to whom.”
Incredibly, the Hulk began to shrink rapidly, skin changing from a green to a more flesh-like tone.
“I can’t believe it. A knock-knock joke.” Bruce Banner fell down, only saved from hitting the ground by Spider-Man.
“Don’t worry, I’ve got a million of ‘em. Should we go to the Tower, or...” Peter was inwardly fangirling, because oh mY GOD THAT’S BRUCE BANNER and he’s rIgHT nEXt tO yOU whAT THE HELL?
“The Tower should be fine. Oh my god, a knock-knock joke. I’m never going to hear the end of it.”
BONUS
“What the hell happened to you, kid?” Tony eyed the impressive bruises forming on Peter’s skin, brilliant shades of black and blue.
“Oh, it was really cool, Mr. Stark! I ran into the Hulk on patrol one day, and then I told him a knock-knock joke and he calmed down!”
“You ran into thE HULK?!”
“Yeah, but he was really cool! I mean, yeah, he slammed me into the ground, but that was it!”
“Let me get this straight. You met the Hulk, he slammed you into the ground, you told him a knock-knock joke to calm him down, and you didn’t feel the need to tell me any of this?”
“Yep!”