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"You turned my cat into a biscuit?" cried Raito, staring at the biscuit.
"Oh, Raito-kun. Your cat has always been a biscuit."
"NO. IT USED TO BE A CAT."
L just looked at him patronisingly. "Tea?" he offered. In one hand L had biscuit in palm and was stroking it gently between his thumb and finger. In the other hand lay a mysterious spherical object. It looked like a body part. Was it a -
"FUCK YOUR TEA!" Raito shouted, clenching his fists, eyes flashing red. L rubbed his face. Maroon liquid was pouring down his cheek. What was the liquid? Could it be -
"You look hungry, Raito." Raito was hungry. Ravenous. His mouth watered and his stomach rumbled. L gently nudged Raito's clenched fist with the biscuit.
"Care for a biscuit?"
Raito turned away, tried not to look at it, but it was just so - he took it from L. Raised it to his mouth. A pained look in his eyes.
Bite. Chew. Swallow.
No! Oh! No!
Raito collapsed into L's arms, overcome with emotion. He could feel the biscuit in his tummy, being digested. His once-beloved once-pet.
"What have I done… Oh L..."
L stood there awkwardly and patted Raito on the back, awkwardly. Raito falling on him had almost caused him to lose his grip on the little squishy ball of -
"Raito is heavy," he said. Raito ignored this. He hated people commenting on his weight. Besides, he was preoccupied. Crying. Mourning. Being sad.
"I loved you, L," he wailed. "But I don't think I can forgive you for turning my cat into a biscuit."
L made a face. He dropped Raito, who fell onto the floor in a heap. Raito felt the back of his head, which was covered in drips of L's bl-
"Raito?" said L.
"Yes?" sobbed Raito.
"I never loved -" but suddenly there was a great big BANG CRASH noise. It was Mello on his motorbike. A grand entrance! While on the way home from the aquarium Mello had stupidly thrown his chocolate bar at an unassuming pedestrian and then realised - 'I don't have any chocolate left do I.' But instead of going to a shop or something, he motorbiked in to see L. L always had the best chocolate.
"Chocolate?" said L flatly, annoyed by the motorbike noise. Mello never came to visit him for any other reason.
"Yes." L chucked Mello a block of cheap shitty chocolate.
"What the fuck is this shit is this even chocolate how much did you pay for this aren't you a millio-" L chucked Mello a block of expensive nice chocolate.
"Go away now," he said.
"What the hell happened to your face?"
"Nothing. Bye Mello." After glancing briefly at L's face again, then Raito on the floor, Mello left. VVRRRRRMMMMMM munch munch.
While on his motorbike journey back to mysterious mafia secret base, Mello tried to unwrap his chocolate while driving and crashed into a pole. The pole was Near.
"Mello!" said Near.
"I'm still hungry," said Raito. He got up from the floor, slumped into a spinny chair, spun around slowly and sadly.
"Do you have any more cats?" kidded L. Raito glared at him.
"By the way, L, I was joking when I said I loved you." L looked up from the squelchy blob in his palm and studied Raito's face.
"Joking?"
"Yes," lied Raito, trying to laugh through his pain.
"A joke!" he choked out, blinking tears away. It seemed him and L just weren't meant to be… "Clearly you have no sense of humour. But L, in all seriousness, it was totally inappropriate for you to-"
"Turn your cat into a biscuit? Raito, your cat scratched my eyeball out."
"Ehhh," said Raito dismissively. "Lemme see." L handed his eyeball to Raito, who inspected it.
"There's blood all over it," he commented unnecessarily, squishing it between his finger and thumb.
"Yes," said L. His eye socket was a big gaping cave in his face, blood trickled down his cheeks in small streams, veins and nerves and flesh and brain and god knows what other body parts were hanging out of the place where his eye used to be. L touched his socket gently and something came off in his hand. Something small and blue and wet and warm. He didn't know what it was.
"Your eye's fine," said Raito, who had licked all the blood off the eyeball and cleaned it with his magic spit. sqquuk squuuk went Raito's thumb on the eyeball, trying to rub the big black spot out. Was it ink?
"What are you doing?" said L, worried for his eyeball.
"There's a big black thing on it, I"m just trying to-"
"That's my iris. It is black. I have black eyes. LOOK." Raito looked.
"Ah yes," he said, embarrassed, handing L's eyeball back to him. L stuck it into his face and pressed it towards his brain. It fell out and rolled along the carpet towards Raito. Fuck, thought L.
"Watari," he called out. Raito dodged the rolling eyeball, put his knees up on his chair in a very L-like manner and began to reminisce. He had loved his cat. He had loved L. He had even loved Matsuda once. Now he loved… nothing and nobody. And he was still hungry.
"I love you!" said Near the pole to Mello with warmth and happiness. The blonde frowned.
"I don't love-" but before he could finish, Near had ZZSSWHHOOPPED Mello into his thin metallic pole-body.
"Oh Mello, I've always wanted you inside me," said Near, his words sounding like a moan.
"Get me out of here!" shouted Mello, yearning for his motorbike, for fresh air. He didn't want to be in Near. Panicking, he pressed the MATT button on his mobile phone.
"Hello?" said Matt.
"Near has-" Mello began to hyperventilate. To Matt it sounded like sex breathing.
"Near what?" Matt sighed.
"Near, he, he's got me and… he's-"
"Where are you Mello?"
"I'M INSIDE NEAR." Matt hung up.
"You look nice, Mello," said Near, checking out Mello's ass in his sexy tight black leather pants.
"LET ME OUUUTTTT~" Mello wailed and banged on the inside of Near. Near shuddered with pleasure.
"Ooooh, Mello," he said. "Mmmm~"
"I'm still hungry," whined Raito for the eighteenth time.
"Shut up," snapped L. Raito's eyes widened. Did L just tell him to -
"It won't stay in, I'm afraid," said Watari gravely, trying and failing to hold L's eyeball in his face. L cringed in pain and frustration.
Raito watched the eyeball and his mouth watered. It looked squishy and succulent and delicious. He licked his lips.
"L, my spit contains super glue." 'I will trick L,' he thought. TRICK! And he laughed his evil Kira-laugh inside his own head.
"Super glue?" L drawled, narrowing his remaining eye at Raito. Watari left the room to look for something.
"Don't doubt it," said Raito, getting up from the spinny chair. "Biological salivary fixative."
'That's not a thing,' thought L, about to have an argument with Raito about how it wasn't a thing - but before he knew it Raito was in front of his face, sticking his tongue out hungrily and leaning in.
Mello was deep inside Near. Near was moaning and shivering. He'd wanted this for so long and he was so big and long and hard (like a pole), so close to -
"Near~" groaned Mello as Near clenched, forcing Mello even deeper inside him.
"M-mello!"
Raito had latched his mouth onto L's eyeball and sucked it out of the socket. He was now rolling the lychee bubble organ around his mouth, enjoying the texture.
"Raito!" said L angrily, frowning heavily. "Give it back or I'll -"
"You'll what?" Raito pulled the eye out of his mouth and licked it gently. It was a little bloodshot. Perhaps L had been crying. Perhaps L was sad.
"I'll tell everyone your secret," said L. His eye socket had stopped bleeding and some of his brain had fallen out. The void was quite attractive. Pirate, thought Raito. Pirate L.
"What secret?" he asked.
"The gay one," L said.
"What gay one?" Raito plopped the eyeball back in his mouth and sucked some blood and goop off of it. He was so hungry. So, so hungry. But he wanted to savour the flavour. Gently he bit down.
SQLCH. Pierced eye. Thick white viscous liquid spurted around inside Raito's mouth. The feeling made him blush for some reason.
"The one that you're gay." L hadn't realised Raito had bitten into his eyeball. He also hadn't realised that everyone already knew Raito was gay.
"What?"
"Raito is gay."
"So?"
"I'll tell," threatened L.
"Ohhhh noooo!" said Raito, smiling as the eyeball smooshed between his teeth and cheek, causing a bulge.
"I'll tell your father," said L, thinking Raito's father was a homophobic manly mannish man who wanted his son to be a homophobic manly mannish man.
"My father has known since I was four."
"I'll tell Matsuda," said L, thinking Matsuda was an old fashioned sweet-and-innocent virgin who would be horrified at the news.
"Not Matsuda!" Raito spat the eyeball out, looking shocked.
"Yes, Matsuda," said L triumphantly, thinking he had won, holding his hand out.
GASP, gasped Raito fakely. "Whatever you do, don't tell my ex boyfriend I'm gay."
"Huh?"
Raito laughed, fiercely chewed up the eyeball and swallowed. Finally, he was satisfied.
Epilogue:
Raito became an eyeball cannibal and began to write things in his death note like "spoons eyeball out of face, sends to Raito, gets hit by car."
L got an eye patch and started wearing pirate clothes.
Matsuda developed a crush on L, but unfortunately the attraction was one sided.
Mello lived happily ever after inside Near.