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“I lost the baby.”
Mitsuba's sponge halts to a sudsy standstill on the plate she washes. She blinks at the sink. Stays silent. For a second, Shinoa believes she went unheard, considers repeating herself, though the very concept of reinforcing the awful reality makes her want to throw up all over the kitchen floor.
Slowly, Mitsuba lifts her hands out of the water. “What do you mean you lost the baby?”
She licks her lips. Bites one of them. Swallows, opens her mouth, swallows once more, then with words weighing kilograms on her tongue, “I mean… the baby was there… and now he’s not.”
She squeezes her eyes shut. She's fairly familiar with the impact of Mitsuba's anger — she could either shake her head and order Shinoa to go find the baby, or grasp that plate so tight it shatters. But now, she is unreadable. The water up to her elbows drips to the floor. The sink twists her blank face on its shiny body, and Shinoa can't tell if her raw anxiety is playing tricks on her, but the reflection appears too menacing for comfort.
Mitsuba watches, before turning her gaze to the sink.
“So,” she counters. “You lost Kaname-chan.”
“...yes.”
“You left him out of your sight for more than five minutes.”
“I did.”
“You lost Kaname Hyakuya.”
“Indeed.”
“Are you aware of the fact his fathers could both literally crush us with their bare hands?”
“Very much aware.”
“And are you aware that we’ll probably be dead within twenty-four hours?”
“...yes.”
Mitsuba's unpredictable wrath falls silent again. Here, Shinoa would usually start to laugh, perhaps double over and throw an arm around Mitsuba with a hearty proclamation that she was just joking, oh my God, the look on her face was priceless . She almost does it, despite it being a complete lie, because Mitsuba's grimace seems to grow deeper by the second, and if it grows any deeper, Shinoa's sure Mitsuba will kill her before Mika and Yuu even come near.
Shinoa knows she's as good as dead. She's accepted it.
Mitsuba doesn’t seem to welcome the idea well.
“Goddamn it, Shinoa.” She slides her hand into her fringe and tugs. The bubbles stuck to her forehead are the least of her troubles. “All we had to do was make sure the kid doesn’t wake up and think that he’s alone. And you lost him .”
“Listen! I didn’t think this would happen!” Shinoa’s hands fly to her chest in protest. She takes a quick glance out the window at Mika and Yuu, who sit at the beach below the sunset with a makeshift barbecue as they roast the squad’s dinner. God, they’re going to kill her. Shinoa looks back at Mitsuba. “He was sleeping! I didn’t think toddlers could wake up that quick — and then walk off!”
Inhaling, Mitsuba snatches up a red, holey rag from the counter and dries her hands. If Shinoa tries hard enough, she can convince herself Mitsuba isn't that angry, that her face isn't almost the same colour as the rag, that she isn't about to tear than poor, beaten up cloth into two, then three, then do the same to her. Shinoa takes a step forward, and tests her luck. She brushes a pigtail away from her shoulder, rubs the back of her neck, teeters onto her toes, and leans in.
Her lips don't even reach her cheek before Mitsuba smacks the rag to the counter, and shoves Shinoa back with force only a little weaker.
“You’re an idiot!”
“I know!”
Mitsuba pulls the plug from the sink and lets the water drain out. “After we die, I’m breaking up with you.”
“What?! Why?”
“You’re going straight to Hell, and I can’t handle long distance.”
“God, will I ever get a break?” Shinoa slumps over Mitsuba and rests her aching eyes against her shoulder. “First I lose a child, then my girlfriend dumps me in advance. I think I’ll die of shock before Mika or Yuu get me.”
“I hope you die.”
“Why’re so mean to me?”
“You lost a child!” Mitsuba pushes Shinoa off her, who buckles onto the wet floor. “Not just any child, Mika and Yuu’s child!”
“Hah…” Shinoa lies on the linoleum, and stares up at the low-set ceiling. “Please don’t remind me. It’s like I can feel myself being stabbed already.” She lifts a hand and points to her chest. “Here. And here. And here. And—”
“Oh, for God’s sake, get up.” She pulls her up, cups her face, and looks her dead in the eye. “We’re going to find him.”
“How?”
She purses her lips. “I haven't figured that out yet, but I know we will. I promise.”
Sighing, Shinoa leans into Mitsuba’s embrace, who finally complies and wraps her arms around her. Shinoa presses her ear against her heart beat, then reaches up to rub the other’s upper arm. “Thank you for having faith. It means a lot that you believe in me.”
“Believe in you… sure…”
Shinoa smacks her arm, but hugs tighter, anyway.
The bedroom Shinoa lulled Kaname into a nap faces the beach where Mika and Yuu sit together. Mika told her to keep the window open in case their baby began to cry, to which she obeyed — it wasn't like she had a choice with Mika, anyway. Now that Shinoa and Mitsuba rummage around the room, kneeling down and peering under the bed for the child, the noise startles Mika and Yuu from below the window.
“Is everything okay up there?” Yuu calls up, barbecue tongs in hand.
Mitsuba is the one to dart to the windowsill. She smiles down at the boys. Shinoa stands from the floor, opens the wardrobe, and throws all the clothes in the way onto the ground.
“Of course!” Mitsuba says. “We’re just playing hide and seek.”
“Isn’t he supposed to be sleeping?” Mika lifts his gaze to the open window.
“He woke up.”
“Could you bring him down for us?”
Shinoa’s stomach turns. If it could flip inside out, it must've done so, for the horrific nausea she feels in that moment trumps every food poisoning incident that she has ever faced. She sends Mitsuba a mortified look, but she doesn't return it. Her face stays skilfully neutral.
“Of course.” She swallows. Shinoa rests her head against the wardrobe. She begins to consider summoning her demon just to kill her already. Mitsuba continues. “We wouldn't want to keep you from Ka-chan after—"
Mitsuba’s breath hitches in her throat. She stops talking altogether. Her gaze fixes on something a little farther away from the barbecue setup: by the shoreline of the beach where the sea cut the sand. Shinoa notices and approaches the window sill herself and follows the other’s line of sight.
A powder blue onesie. Running feet, tiny running feet, salted with sand.
“Eh?” Shinoa yells.
Mitsuba hurls her away from the window, and the boys start up, about to flick their heads around to see.
“Wait!” Mitsuba cries, and they turn back around, frazzled. Yuu slowly sets the tongs back down on the barbecue, while Mitsuba laughs nervously. “That—that seagull! It was huge!”
There was no seagull. Of course, only Shinoa and Mitsuba know that.
Resting her arms against the windowsill, Shinoa narrows her eyes at the shoreline. Kaname. His round legs are half submerged in the water as he smears his hands in the sand, before digging them into the pile of pebbles he must have gathered from his time out on the beach. Yuu has already returned to the barbecue, and tends to the flames with papers from old missions, but Mika — hawkeyed, scrutinising — surveys her and Mitsuba, raising an eyebrow.
Mortified, she pulls at Mitsuba’s wrist. “If this is the last conversation with you I have before they put us in the barbecue, just know I love you.”
“I don’t.”
Shinoa sighs. “I wouldn’t either.”
They stare at Kaname beside the sea for a little while longer. Shinoa can see the gears turning in Mitsuba’s head as she rubs her chin, mapping a route with her gaze across the sand. All Shinoa does is stare at the child disdainfully.
“Shinoa,” Mitsuba finally says. Her eyes don't move from Kaname, who’s resorted to sitting a little bit away from where the sea laps against the surface. “If I asked you to go out and distract Mika and Yuu for me without having a nervous breakdown, would you manage?”
“No.”
“Tough luck, you’re doing it anyway.”
“Mii-chan!”
“Look.” Mitsuba points at the toddler with his feet sprayed with saltwater. “Look where he’s sitting. I could run up and get him and we could pretend nothing happened and that he was with us all along, but you just have to distract them so they don’t turn around and think I’m trying to drown their child.”
Shinoa’s regard slides down to the barbecue smoking at the centre of the beach. She sighs. If there’s one thing she really doesn’t want to do, it’s this. Contrary to popular belief (popular being Yuu's constant whining), Shinoa is terrible at lying, and there’s a slim chance she’ll be able to sit beside Mika and Yuu with heavy guilt knowing that she lost their child and not burst into tears. But, she will, because the look on Mitsuba’s face scares her half to death, and she’s not sure if she wants to find out what will happen if she doesn't comply. Kaname has gone back to walking around and cupping piles of sand in his small hands.
“Fine,” she says after a long held breath. “Please be quick.”
“Of course.” Mitsuba runs her fingers through Shinoa’s hair and kisses her forehead. She picks up a beige cardigan lying on the bed and makes her way to the door. “But, that still doesn’t mean you’re not an idiot for losing the kid.”
Shinoa smiles, and follows her girlfriend down the stairs.
They part at the corridor separating the back door to the front, where Mitsuba takes the former and Shinoa takes the latter. Mika and Yuu look up when she approaches them. She sits beside Mika at the wooden bench where five plates are kept, and a glass filled with some of the blood they kept in storage. Three plates already have generous helpings of perfectly browned-over food, and Mika tries to set knives and forks by each one without standing up. It’s a surprise that Yuu of all people was able to make any of it. Shinoa says nothing, and watches, instead.
“Is everything okay?” Mika asks, an eyebrow raised.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” she responds a little too quickly. She realises she started to bounce her leg when her knee bangs the bottom of the bench.
“...Just wondering.” He eyes her. “You don’t usually come down to sit with us.”
“Maybe I just want to spend time with my—"
Kaname runs with his toes half buried in sand and chases a bevy of seagulls. Her stomach twists. How long will she have to do this for? Why isn’t Mitsuba there yet? Her leg bounces faster, and she clasps and unclasps her hands.
Mika has stopped messing with the cutlery, and instead focuses on Shinoa, concerned.
“—my comrades.” The rest of the sentence dislodges from her throat. “Maybe I just want to spend time with my comrades.”
Mika nods slowly. He resumes with the cutlery. “Right.”
Mitsuba appears around the back of the house. She glances over at Shinoa as she creeps towards Kaname. They both smile at each other, and Shinoa’s finally able to stop her fingers shaking so much. Mitsuba slides her gaze to the other two boys furtively, who’ve already started talking about something else all together. The girls share a nod. Mitsuba traverses the beach towards Kaname. He swivels around at her sound and makes an incoherent babble. Shinoa freezes, and nearly grabs Mika’s shoulder in case of a response, but it looks like neither Mika nor Yuu had heard. She lets her head drop in relief.
“So, Shinoa,” Yuu starts, “isn’t it great that we can finally have a barbecue? I’ve been wanting one for ages, but someone thought I’d make a mess if I got my hands on one.” He glares at Mika, who rolls his eyes in return.
“Uh-huh.”
She’s about to continue talking, when Mitsuba slips off her red flip flops and runs barefoot towards the toddler, who laughs, and sprints, legs wobbly, in the opposite direction. The rest of the seagulls amble away as he cuts past them, but burst into flight as soon as Mitsuba barges in, too. What is she doing? Her arms outstretch for Kaname, but he doesn't take the hint, and instead points persistently to the ocean. Shinoa feels her head is about to explode.
“Shinoa?” Yuu calls her, and she jumps. They’re both surveying her, now. “Are you okay? You look sick. Mika, check if she’s getting a fever.”
Mika uncurls his fingers from around the sleeve of his sweater and sets it on Shinoa’s forehead. She’s sure he can feel her trembling, or at least the blood pumping violently to her head. He frowns, and she takes the chance with him leaning forward to raise her eyebrows at Mitsuba. She has succumbed to crawling over to Kaname on her knees.
What the fuck. He’s just running faster.
“She’s very warm.” Mika reclines back.
“Did Kaname get you sick, too, Shinoa?” Yuu asks, setting his tongs on the tissue paper laid on the bench. “You should’ve taken medicine while looking after him.”
“Speaking of Kaname,” Mika counters, “isn’t he meant to be with you?”
“No!”
Kaname races towards a large, jagged stone lying half entombed beneath the sand. She cups her hand over her mouth when Mika flinches, nonplussed. Her heart leaps up to her throat, when Mitsuba finally catches up to him, spraying a shower of golden sand behind her, and wraps her hands around the child, tugging him into her arms just before his toes met the stone. They sit together, panting, the toddler encompassed in Mitsuba’s tight embrace. Shinoa sighs, but her pulse has risen so high, she feels like she’s about to faint.
When she realises Yuu and Mika are staring at her, paused in their actions, she pales. “S-sorry, I thought I left the gas on in the kitchen.”
“Why did you turn the gas on, anyway?” Yuu asks. “We’re making food here.”
“Ah, I was just making some… boiled eggs…”
Mika tilts his head. “Eggs?”
“Mii-chan was hungry.”
Neither press the topic further, but exchange a shrug. They return to the barbecue.
“But, yeah, where’s Kaname, if not with you?” Yuu says.
Shinoa waves a dismissive hand, which, unhelpfully, quivers. “Oh, he’s with Mii-chan. He likes her better after all.”
“Well, Mitsuba is quite responsible.” Mika takes a sip from the glass. “I think you and Mitsuba would make good mothers, one day.”
Shinoa grits her teeth. She glances at Mitsuba trying to coerce Kaname to follow her into the house, both of them covered in sand. “Perhaps.”
Mika and Yuu spend awhile talking softly, Mika praising how good the food looks and Yuu muttering ‘I told you so’s back at him. Shinoa doesn’t say much, unless she's prompted, but follows Mitsuba cautiously when they boys are sure not to notice. She waits with her fingers knotted together for the exasperated flush in Mitsuba’s face to cool down, and to watch her carry Kaname back into the house with ease. She’s taken so much time, already, and she’s in plain sight, too — Shinoa can’t imagine what Yuu and Mika would do if they saw their son so close to the ocean — especially without either of them with him.
“Hey, Mika, the sunset looks beautiful.” Yuu raises his head.
Shinoa’s heart speeds up.
Oh no .
Yuu’s back is to Mitsuba and Kaname, but if Mika turns to face the horizon, he’ll see—
“Really?”
Just as Mika’s turns, Shinoa grabs his shoulder, and makes him stare at her, instead.
“It matches your eyes,” she blurts.
His eyebrows shoot up.
Shinoa teems with red-hot embarrassment. She can’t believe she’s doing this, but it’s keeping Mika from looking over his shoulder. Come on, Shinoa. Just a little longer.
“What?” Yuu says almost immediately.
“Yes,” she says. Shinoa didn’t know losing Kaname would lead to losing her dignity, too. “Has anyone ever told you what a beautiful shade of red your eyes are?” Her hand moves up to sit on the side of his face.
She wants to die.
“Yeah. I did.” Yuu’s tongs move to a considerably smaller portion of meat than he would’ve chosen to pile onto Shinoa’s plate.
Mika pushes her off. “What is wrong with you, today?”
Mitsuba stares, too, in the middle of her tug of war of willpower with Kaname. Palm now lamely sitting on Mika’s shoulder, Shinoa sends her a pleading look.
Please help me.
“Am I not allowed to appreciate your eyes, Mika-san?”
She wants death. If a seagull flew by and killed her, she would be more than happy.
“No.” Yuu is incredulous, and Shinoa is painfully aware of both Mika and Yuu’s swords leaning against each other by the side of the bench.
“Shinoa, please stop touching me.”
Oh, no.
What if Mika turns around? Mitsuba’s still with Kaname. They have a rather strong disagreement, with Kaname knotting his fist into the sleeve of Mitsuba’s cardigan and trying to pull her towards the sea to play. They’re closer to the back of the house than they were before, however, which Shinoa sees as progress, but at this point, she’s too desperate to look through a view that isn't optimistic.
“B-but Mika-san…” She drops her hand, but it only moves to touch his, instead. He’s bewildered, and would’ve snatched it away if she wasn’t gripping it so hard. “I’m…”
“You’re....?” Yuu has put the tongs down, and has turned fully to face her. Good. At least they aren't looking for Kaname.
“I’m in love with you!”
Shinoa bows her head in humiliation. She wants to burst into tears. Mika nearly drops his glass on the table. She wishes she hadn't raised her head, if it meant she wouldn't need to meet the cutting disgust unfolded on his face.
Mitsuba’s almost reached the house. She can’t give up now.
“Ever since I saw you… and… the determination in your gaze… I knew—”
“Shinoa,” he interrupts. He finally pulls back his hand from her clasp. “You’re a lesbian.”
Her mouth hangs open. “B-but— my desire for you—!”
“Your what for him?” Yuu interjects.
“My—"
Then in a single, triumphant movement, Mitsuba hauls Kaname into her arms. Shinoa freezes. If Kaname cries, they'll be done for. But he doesn't — he, to her relief (an understatement — she might cry herself, soon), is laughing. And Mitsuba is, too. She carries him on her hip and shoots Shinoa a grin. One of her red flip flops remain stranded by the spuming shoreline, and her bare foot must be pricked by the jagged shells along the sand, but she shows no discomfort. Kaname giggles, grabs a fist of Mitsuba's hair, and leans impishly into her shoulder.
Shinoa exhales, deflates, sinks back into the bench with a ragdoll spine.
Her facial muscles twitch. They contort to a smile. She snickers, then giggles, and suddenly she's throwing her head back, clutching her stomach, erupting hysterical laughter until her eyes water. She laughs, and laughs, and laughs. She should stop soon, she looks insane. But she can't — it's impossible. If she stops laughing, she will burst into sobs.
Mika and Yuu stare at her.
Her stomach hurts. She leans so far back in the bench she could easily pivot on her hips and tip back. Her head would hit the plank, perhaps not hard enough for a concussion, but enough to hurt.
A concussion would be nice right about now.
She rubs her wet eyelashes amidst a forced recovery. “You—ah… you should've seen your faces!”
Yuu rolls his eyes. His forearms lose the prominent muscle as he turns dismissively to the grill. “Your pranks are so lame.”
“You fell for it!” She laughs some more. “B-both of you! Even you, Mika-san!”
Mika furrows his brow. Her mad paroxysm is a little too out of the ordinary — even for Shinoa.
“You should get some rest,” he tells her carefully.
“I'm already going.”
She slams her hands on the bench, rattles the plates and disturbs Mika’s drink, and drags herself to her feet.
“Oh, before you go,” he says. It snaps Shinoa back like a catch on her sleeve. “Where's Kaname?”
Her heart stops.
“This Kaname?”
Shinoa nearly tumbles over. Mitsuba saunters from the cottage with a blue water flask in one hand and Kaname supported by the other. He flicks his head around on cue, and grins so his babyish cheeks round. Whatever that had been sea-spattered has dried — even his dark hair appears untouched, and curls appropriately around his temples.
Fatherly transformations are common within Mika and Yuu, but Shinoa can never not be in awe in the complete change in demeanour of a person upon seeing their child. Mika's tense brow softens until shaped with love, his inexpressive mouth drops to coo, and the statutory hardness in his arms and shoulders drop to bring his toddler into his arms.
Mitsuba hands Kaname over, who rushes to Mika, and flings his arms around his neck.
“I was playing with him upstairs,” Mitsuba says. “He wanted to see you both.”
“He looks happy.” Yuu approaches Mika's shoulder and tweaks Kaname's nose. “You both did a good job.”
“Thank you for looking after him.” Transformed Mika offers a smile normal Mika would never. “We owe you—”
“Oh, you found him!”
All four whip around to the cottage. Yoichi smiles back at them. He carries a few extra plates and the high potential to fuck everything up.
“What,” Mitsuba asks through gritted teeth, “are you talking about, Yoichi?”
He chuckles, reaches Mitsuba’s side, and places the plates on the bench. “I heard you both talking about how you lost Kaname when you were in the kitchen. You went back upstairs before I could tell you he got to the sea! I'm glad you found him though.”
Mitsuba sends him a look so harsh, Shinoa is certain she could've strangled him right then and there. Herself? She feels those taunting tears begin to boil to their full power. Perhaps she could become hysterical. Perhaps that would get rid of the sudden vein popping up in Mika's forehead.
Yuu seems the lesser of the two evils. Even so, the hand on Mika's shoulder has turned to a grip, and his smile — an awful, awful smile — promises only the benefit of the doubt.
“What do you mean, Yoichi?” he says, dangerously calm for Yuu.
And Yoichi must have some sense knocked into him, or he sees Shinoa about to pass out, and his entire countenance falls.
“Oh… I don't think… I was meant to say that.” His eyes dart to each person, and once on Mitsuba's terrorising face, he backs away. “Well, I'd best be going now. Bye—!”
“Sword,” Mika calls, and Shinoa scrambles around. He has let Kaname onto the bench, found his weapon, which, to her absolute horror, releases its thorns and cut into his hand. “Drink my blood.”
“W-w-wait, Mika-san, there's no need—”
“Asuramaru.”
Mitsuba jumps over to pull Shinoa away. “Now, guys, it was just a little mistake—”
“Mistake?” Mika draws his sword, hilt the same colour of the bleeding sunset. “With our son?”
Shinoa slaps a hand to her breast pocket. Her key almost slips from her clammy palms.
“Sh-Shi-chan!” She throws an arm back to allow the weapon space to manifest.
Mitsuba groans. She rolls up her sleeves. “ Tenjiryuu!”
Kaname, sucking on a piece of bread, kicks his chubby legs, and laughs.