Archive of Our Own ^beta

The first Adam ever heard of Keith Kogane was not exceptionally endearing. Shiro called him one late afternoon to tell him that sorry, Shiro was going to be late for their dinner date tonight because a kid at the school where he was doing recruitment visits that day had stolen his car. Which was concerning, but not too concerning until Shiro arrived home an hour late for dinner and could not stop talking about the kid.

“Really, he made it through level five on the simulator. I’ve never seen someone without training even make it halfway through level three, it was amazing, Adam -”

“Shiro-”

“We just have to get him into the Garrison, he’s gonna put my records to shame -”

“Shiro!” Adam set down his fork with a sigh.

“What?”

“He stole. Your car.”

“Yeah, and he drove it like a pro. Isn’t that crazy? He’s like, fourteen!”

“The part where some kid stole your car and you can’t stop singing his praises? Yeah, that is pretty crazy.”

“Oh, come on, Adam.” Shiro had the gall to look disappointed.

“Look, I’m not wrong to focus on that part, am I? This kid may be talented, but he’s a delinquent, clearly. The Garrison isn’t gonna look past that just cause he’s good in the simulator. Have you even looked at this kid’s record?

Shiro sighed. His shoulders seemed to sag a little, but Adam couldn’t be sure if that was because of him or because of what Shiro said next.

“Yeah, I have.”

“And?”

“His dad died years ago, and he’s been on his own for a while. I think it’s pretty clear no one’s really given him a chance before.”

Adam didn’t know what to say to that. Shiro had always been sensitive to orphaned kids, as Shiro himself was an orphan. He’d mused before, when drunk and sad, about what would have happened to him had his grandfather not been there to take him in. Obviously Shiro saw something of himself in this kid.

“Okay.” Adam said, voice gentle.

Shiro looked up from where he’d been staring at the table.

“Okay?”

“Yeah. Okay. Try to get him into the Garrison. I’ll support you.”

Shiro grinned, looking far more sweet and happy than anyone deserved to look. Damn it, Adam was so weak for this man.

“Thank you, Adam. You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“So tell me about this kid.”

Shiro kept smiling, and Adam knew he’d made the right call. It had been a long time since he’d seen Shiro smile quite like that.

“His name is Keith.”

-

The first time Adam met Keith went better than his initial impression. He’d walked into the apartment to see Shiro crouched over the coffee table, which was covered in textbooks, next to a scrawny looking kid with a mess a black hair wearing a very worn out red hoodie. The kid practically jumped when Adam opened the door, looking way more scared than made any sense, though he was clearly trying to hide it. There was just something wild in his eyes - like a cornered animal. He’d fit in easily with the coyotes that sometimes snuck around outside the Garrison Grounds.

Shiro straightened up to greet him.

“Adam, hey! You’re home early. This is Keith.” Ah. That explained it. Adam had, despite Shiro’s faith in the kid, done a little more digging on Keith’s history after Shiro decided to adopt the kid as his pet project. He was willing to give the kid the benefit of the doubt, for the meantime, but the history of fights, getting kicked out of foster homes - it was easy to see how Keith had adopted the air of a scared animal. Wary and mistrustful and hungry.
“Hey, babe.” Adam gave Shiro a quick kiss on the cheek, gauging Keith’s reaction out of the corner of his eye. He doubted the kid was homophobic if Shiro had taken to him so strongly, but there was no being too careful. Keith just kept looking at Adam like he was getting ready to be told to leave.

“Hi, Keith. I’m Adam.” He extended his hand for a handshake. Keith hesitated for a moment before stepping forward to take it. As soon as the handshake ended, Keith pulled his hand back, hiding it in his sleeve and crossing his arms. Closing himself off, a protective stance.

“Shiro’s told me a lot about you.” Adam said after a brief pause. It was clear Keith didn’t intend to initiate a conversation.

Keith’s brow furrowed a little at that, confused.

“He has?” Keith was quiet, almost talking to himself more than Adam. He turned his head to Shiro, looking for an explanation.
“Why?”

Shiro smiled gently, resting a hand on Keith’s shoulder. From the kid’s stance, and disposition, and, well, everything, Adam expected him to flinch. He did, but not much. He seemed to almost relax into the touch after a moment.

“Because, Keith. I told you, you’re talented and I think you have a great chance at getting into the Garrison. Adam actually teaches there with me.”

That got Keith’s attention.
“Really? What do you teach?”

Adam smiled. Maybe Keith would warm up to him after all.
“Physics is my main course, but I also teach some of the other math classes. You know, boring stuff.”

“I like physics,” Keith mumbled, “but I’m not really good at it.”

“Well maybe I can help you with that.” Adam offered.

Keith smiled, still looking at the ground.
“That would be nice.” He didn’t look Adam in the eye.

“Sure thing.” said Adam. “Anything for Shiro’s protege.”

Keith smiled even bigger. He finally looked up at Adam, and - ah. This was why Shiro was so dead set on helping this kid. Those scared, wild eyes were suddenly full of hope and longing so real that it practically took Adam’s breath away.

“Thanks.” He said, and with one word he was more genuine than most of the people Adam had ever met put together.

“Yeah. No problem.”

And with that Shiro and Keith were back to pouring over textbooks, scrunched over the coffee table. Keith was soon concentrating hard on a particular passage, and while his attention was on that Shiro shot Adam a grateful looking over the back of the couch, mouthing a thank you as his hand came to rest on Keith’s shoulder. Keith didn’t flinch that time.

-

From then on, Keith became a fixture in Adam’s life. He was practically glued to Shiro any chance he got. The day Keith got his acceptance letter to the Garrison, Shiro had insisted on a celebratory dinner. Keith had protested, but caved with not much of an argument, which was how Keith, Adam, Shiro, and Sam and Matt Holt all ended up in Adam and Shiro’s apartment. It was arguably too many people for such a small space, but Shiro was practically glowing with pride and Keith seemed so shyly shocked that this many people even cared that he got in that it was worth a little bit of discomfort. Shiro had even snuck in some extra chairs to fit all of them at the table, though he wouldn’t tell Adam where he got them, which was a concern. Adam had decided they would discuss Shiro’s chair-stealing habits after the celebration. It wasn’t worth worrying about unless he’d stolen the chairs from somewhere important, and Adam sincerely hoped his boyfriend was smarter than that.

At the moment, Matt was telling a story that clearly illustrated some things Keith should not do when he started at the Garrison while his father looked on with the exasperated fondness Adam had come to expect from people while dealing with Matt Holt.

It was clear Keith didn’t quite know what to make of Matt. It wasn’t the first time they’d met. Matt was a big part of Shiro’s life, having been buddies since the two met as a result of Matt’s father. Adam sometimes wondered if Sam regretted introducing the two. Shiro wasn’t the kind of person to get into trouble without someone egging him on, and Matt was exactly the kind of person who would do just that. Thankfully Shiro usually had enough common sense to keep the two of them from getting into too much trouble. Matt usually pretended to resent him for it.

“No, I’m serious. That is the reason cadets are banned from the library past nine, ask Shiro.” Matt seemed a lot prouder of that than he should. Keith looked like he was trying to hide a smile.

“Or don’t ask Shiro.” Said Shiro. “Because I absolutely was not there and you can’t prove I was. And I’m trying to be a good example.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’re a good example, Shiro.” Sam said, ignoring his son’s story for the sake of his own sanity. “You helped Keith get into the Garrison, after all. I’m sure he’s going to accomplish great things there.”

Keith smiled an embarrassed smile, not looking at anybody. “Thanks, Commander Holt.”

“Call me Sam. I’m excited to see what you get up to in the simulators. Shiro’s told me about how you two met.”

Keith was suddenly tense. “Oh.” He mumbled.
“Has he told you, um, everything about-”

“How you stole his car?” Matt interjected. Keith flushed red, giving his plate an intense look that the potatoes on it probably didn’t deserve.
“Yeah.” Matt continues. “Awesome. Sounds like something Katie would do.”

Keith looked back up, bemused at the praise. “Who’s Katie?”

“My daughter.” Sam said, at the same time Matt said, “My little sister.”

“She’s younger than you though, so Matt, please don’t give her ideas.” Sam gave his son that exasperated look again. Dear god, Adam thinks, if both of Sam’s children are like this the man must be exhausted.

“How is Katie?” Shiro asked. “Does she still want to go to the Garrison?”

“More and more every day.” Sam smiled at the thought.

“Man, if we tell her about how Keith got in she’s gonna be so jealous.” Matt grinned.

Sam sighed. “Son-”

The two go back and forth for a while, amiably arguing the pros and cons. Adam joins in - he thinks knowing Keith got in could only serve to encourage the girl. Meanwhile he sees out of the corner of his eye as Shiro leans over to bump Keith with his shoulder. Keith almost never flinches when Shiro touches him anymore.
“I really am proud of you.” He tells Keith in a low voice.
“And Sam is right - you’re going to do amazing things.”

-

The next time Adam sees Keith is not long after he starts at the Garrison. There’s been less of Keith and Shiro hanging out in the apartment now that Keith has access to the simulators and the Garrison library. Plus Shiro taking him out on the hover bikes every time they get the chance. Adam has seen Keith around, of course, but it’s been a while since they’ve spoken.

So when Adam opens the door to find Keith, with a split lip and a black eye, it’s a bit of a shock.

“Oh.” He says, disappointed. “Hi, Adam. Is Shiro here?”

Adam takes a moment to recover. “Um. No, he’s at a meeting about -”
The Kerberos Mission crew isn’t public knowledge yet. Keith wouldn’t know unless Shiro told him, and he isn’t supposed to tell anyone.

“Kerberos?”
Of course Shiro told him.

“Yeah.” Adam looks Keith over again. The bruises on his face are getting darker as he stands there, and he’s leaning all his weight on one leg, which isn’t a good sign.

“Come inside.” He doesn’t expect Keith to listen, but after a moment of hesitation, he does.

Adam gestures to the couch. Keith sits.

“I didn’t start it.” Keith whispers, so quiet Adam almost doesn’t hear him.

“Okay. Who did?” Adam asks.

“No one. I fell.” Keith won’t look at him, not even in his direction. Another bad sign.

“Keith.” Adam tries to command Shiro’s gentle patience. He’s not sure if he succeeds.

“Look, just -” Keith sighs, folding in on himself. “It doesn’t matter”

“It does matter, Keith. It matters if people are hurting you.”

And then Keith mumbles under his breath something Adam is sure he wasn’t supposed to hear.

“It never has before.”

And then, before Adam can even offer to get him an ice pack, Keith is limping out the door. Adam just stands there, frozen.

He doesn’t tell Shiro about the incident.
He doesn’t know how.

-

“Keith thinks I should go if I want to.” Shiro is angry. Angrier than Adam has ever seen him, and now he’s using the kid that clings to his every word as a defense.

“Oh Keith thinks you should go?” Adam spits out. “Well forgive me if I don’t have the same opinion as some fifteen year old that follows you around like a lovesick puppy.”

“Don’t talk about him like that.”

“That’s what concerns you here? We’re talking about you literally putting your life on the line and the problem here is how I talk about Keith?”

“Yes.” Shiro glares at him. Adam isn’t used to being on the other side of Shiro’s anger. He’s not even used to Shiro being angry, but here they are.
“The way you talk about one of the only people that cares about how I feel right now is important to me.”

Adam clenches his teeth. “Keith doesn’t know about your condition.”

“Yes he does.”

“What?” Shiro never told anyone about his disease unless he had to. But of course, of course Keith knows. As soon as Keith stepped into Shiro’s life everything Adam understood about Shiro had shifted. Keith is the exception to all of Shiro’s rules, and Adam knows it’s petty to resent him for it but he does. Adam was supposed to be the one that was special to Shiro. But he’s not, not anymore.

“He figured out something was up. I wasn’t going to lie to him, he’s been lied to enough.”

And Adam knows he shouldn’t say it, he knows, but -

“How is he going to feel when he realizes you lied about coming back from Kerberos?”

And then Shiro is gone.

-

Attending the wake for the Kerberos crew is one of the hardest things Adam has ever done. It doesn’t feel real having his fears realized. He wants to mourn , and he does, but burning under his grief is anger. Anger that crawls under his skin when he looks at the picture of Shiro on the stage, anger that eats away at him during speeches and eulogies.

If he’d listened, Shiro and Adam could have been married now, instead of one of them stewing in anger at a funeral and the other dead, floating out in space with no way to ever recover the body.

But he didn’t.
And here they are.

People apologize to him, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, and Adam can’t help the ugly little voice inside him that says the person that should really be apologizing is Shiro.
Adam tries to bury the voice in the alcohol they serve. It doesn’t work. The voice gets louder.

Keith lingers at the edge of the crowd. Keith, who was there at the launch instead of Adam because Keith encouraged Shiro to rush into his death. Adam was the one that tried to save him.

Keith looks miserable. He looks utterly devastated, like he hasn’t slept since the news broke. Maybe he hasn’t. Adam thinks maybe, since Shiro’s not here, he should go and try to comfort Keith. It’s what Shiro would have wanted. But he’s a little drunk and more than a little angry, at Shiro and at Keith, so maybe he shouldn’t.
He does.

“Hey Keith. How’re you holding up?”

Keith’s eyes, usually so full of fire, are empty.

“How do you think?” His voice is raw and broken.

“Not good, huh.”

A moment of silence passes between them.

“I told ‘im not to go.”

“I know.” Keith obviously doesn’t want to talk to him.

“I told ‘im.” The alcohol wants him to keep talking. He knows he shouldn’t, not with people staring, not with Keith broken like he is, but damn it, Adam is angry and he needs to take it out on someone.

“You told ‘im he should go.” A dry, cruel huff of laughter escapes him. “Look how that went.”

Keith looks back at him. There’s a hint of that familiar fire in his eyes now.

“Don’t.” He says. His voice is low in warning. He holds his arms tight to his sides, fists clenched.

“Fine.” Adam slurs a little. He’s not proud of that, or of what he says. “But if he listened to me he’d still be here.”

Keith’s arm twitches, and his fist is clenched so tight it looks painful.
“Don’t ever,” He bites out, “talk about Shiro like that again.” He hisses. Then he turns on his heel so fast it makes Adam’s alcohol addled head spin. He’s gone before Adam can even see where he’s going.
Adam looks around to see if anyone was paying attention - if there was anyone to see Shiro’s perfect little prodigy walk out on his wake like the ungrateful brat that he his. No one is looking except for a little girl, standing at Colleen Holts side. That must be Katie, he thinks. But she isn’t looking at the door that Keith must have stormed through. She’s looking at him.
Her eyes are not forgiving.
It’s like she sees all of him in that moment - the anger, misconstrued coping mechanisms, the drinking. She sees the ugly little voice inside him and she sees the anger and the blame and she judges him for it.

Adam flees the wake, like the ungrateful ex-boyfriend he is.

-

Less than a month later Keith Kogane is kicked out of the Garrison. Rumor has it he punched Iverson in the face. Adam wants to stand up for him - he has sins to atone for, after all. He knows what Shiro meant to that kid, and he knows Keith has never been good at dealing with emotions, and he knows he’s still in the grips of the most painful part of grieving.
But he doesn’t.

-

The last time Adam sees Keith is also the last time Adam sees Shiro, both of whom he’d thought long gone. Shiro had been dead, but there he was on the screen as Sam Holt explained that he and Keith, and some cadets that Adam didn’t recognize, had been up in space defending the universe. Keith had been - well, he doesn’t know where, exactly - but now he’s by Shiro’s side again, the way he was always meant to be. The way Adam never was.
He’s had years to get over his petty anger and in Keith’s case, jealousy. He’s so relieved at the sight of them, together, alive. There’s no bitterness left in him, and Adam is free to be so, so incredibly proud.
There’s a fight coming to Earth, Sam tells them. Keith and Shiro have already been fighting it, and when it finally does arrive, Adam swears he will fight too.

He does.

It doesn’t go well.

-

The last time Keith sees Adam is long after the last time Adam saw anyone.
The Earth is free of Sendak’s oppression, and is well on it’s way to recovery. The team is also on its way to recovery, Keith having been the last to wake after the lions fell to Earth. It’s been a week since the hospital finally cleared him to even walk around the Garrison, and he’s taking full advantage. He’s been stuck in a hospital bed in a noisy room with machines beeping and people - though he loves them dearly - talking nonstop and he just needs a moment of quiet.

It’s quiet here, in the memorial.

He hadn’t found his way there on purpose, but it feels disrespectful to leave immediately after arriving.
Keith takes a breath and approaches the wall.
Most of the names he doesn’t know, or only heard in passing. But one he does know, rather well actually.

“Hey, Adam.”

The silence that greets him is heavy.

“I know the last time we talked neither of us were in a good place. And it sucked. But I’ve had some time - a lot of time, actually.”

Keith hesitates. He’s never been good at talking to people, but if there was ever a time to try, it’s now.

“I just want you to know - I forgive you.”

Another breath.
“And, um. I wanted to say… you were one of the first people that accepted me, after Shiro. And I know a lot of that was because of him, but that doesn’t change that you did. So. Thanks, Adam. I wish I could tell you for real, but. Thanks. For being my friend.”

The silence that greets Keith hasn’t changed, but somewhere -

Something has.