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Thanksgiving dinner at the Tower had been a far more pleasant event than Maria had expected. Most of the guests were part of the Avengers, or connected to them in some way, so there hadn't been too many instances where Maria found herself feeling like a fish out of water, until now.
"Wait until you and Steve get married, Maria," Pepper was explaining. "I swear, the first thing out of the mouths of people when you get back from the honeymoon is, 'So, when are you having a baby?'"
Pepper groaned in frustration and Maria hoped she hadn't blanched. Glancing over to Natasha, however, confirmed she'd let something show. Fortunately, Pepper wasn't as highly trained as Natasha so she seemed to have missed Maria's discomfort. She picked her glass up to cover, just in case, but found it empty.
"Let me get you another drink," Pepper offered.
The strawberry-blonde took the glass from Maria and walked back to the bar. Maria avoided Natasha's gaze, though she felt the woman's eyes boring into her. She wondered exactly how much Natasha knew. Was she aware what Maria had been contemplating the past few months? Had Clint ever told his partner things Maria had once told him in confidence. She suddenly found herself more terrified of the Black Widow than when Natasha had first been brought into SHIELD.
The guys returned then and their presence put an end to "girl talk," to Maria's great relief.
The rest of the evening went smoothly. The group chatted about as many non-SHIELD, non-Avengers related things as possible. That had been Tony's idea, surprisingly. Steve had told her that he was beginning to think Tony might yet be a good leader for the group. She knew that brought a sense of relief, because he didn't want to lead the Avengers forever.
After pie, they went down to the newly installed bowling alley on the games level. The group felt more like just a bunch of friends out for an enjoyable evening, not super heroes and spies setting aside their usual lives for a few moments of respite.
Maria enjoyed it, mostly. The camaraderie was nice; the competition still high, which she loved. But Pepper's words gnawed at her and refused to let go.
She watched Steve bowl another strike, on his way to yet another 300 game. Then laughed as Tony grumbled about the unfair advantage of the serum, and Pepper reminded him that if he hadn't had so much to drink, maybe he'd get more than gutter balls.
She sat down on the bench next to Jasper and waited her turn as she tried to suppress her growing turmoil. He turned to her shortly.
"What's wrong?" he asked quietly.
She laughed. They'd been friends too long. She should have sat next to Pepper or one of her friends.
"Nothing that we're supposed to mention," she said, making it sound like SHIELD business.
Jasper didn't look like he believed her, but it was her turn to bowl so he said nothing.
She was glad for the privacy of the Tower tonight. She didn't have to go out in public and be reminded, on this family holiday, that, even if she married Steve, and she knew that was never going to happen, that if people asked her that other question, her answer would have to be 'never.'
Maria tried to focus on the lane, but as soon as the ball hit, she knew it wasn't going to do much damage. She heard her team grouse, and Tony cheer, as only three pins fell. On her second turn, she knocked down only two.
"If I didn't know better I'd say you were sandbagging," Clint grumbled to her as he waited to bowl next.
She only grimaced at him, but his eyes showed he felt the chastisement she meant.
She sat next to Steve as she waited again. When he put his arm around her and kissed the top of her head, she felt horrible. Her attitude was going to ruin the evening for everyone if she didn't get a handle on it now.
Turning to him, she smiled.
"Everything OK?" He leaned down and asked quietly in her ear.
She nodded, then she pulled on her best mask and the rest of the evening was far better. She'd even convinced herself by the end that everything was really as good as it looked on the outside.
Later, Steve walked with her to her car in the underground parking garage. He pulled her into his arms and held her. Maria cursed herself for being so obvious with her feelings earlier. She knew what would come next.
"What was bothering you earlier?" He asked.
"Just work stuff," she lied.
He chuckled.
"You're more of a workaholic than Fury," he said.
"I doubt it. He's working today," she reminded him.
As she drove home she was fine until she pulled into her neighborhood. The Christmas trees were lit in some of the front apartments and she could see families walking down the steps to say goodbye to guests, or to leave and return home. Each child was a reminder of what she could never give Steve, something he deserved after so much loss. She had been so selfish to take from Steve so much, always knowing she could never give him that.
She didn't know how, but she had to find a way to extract herself from their relationship, stop allowing her feelings for him to circumvent what needed to be done, she needed to end what she never should have allowed to even start.