Chapter Text
Never let it be said that Winnifred Barnes wasn’t good.
Winnifred Barnes was a kind, strong woman who loved her husband and children dearly. She was a strong Christian and a forward thinker, and she loved everyone about equally.
She wasn’t blind either. So when her eldest child and only son, James, started to withdraw from the family, she noticed.
It was subtle at first. Just James not staying as long after dinner, spending even more time with the Rogers boy (they were already joined at the hip as it was), not playing quite as much with Becca and the little ones. Winnie was concerned but decided to put it down to him being 14, an awkward stage of life for anyone.
Then it got weirder. James became more withdrawn, speaking about half as much as he usually did and sometimes just staring off into the distance. His smiles weren’t as easy now. Whenever someone teased him about finding a girl, he’d withdraw further and oh yes Winnie noticed.
Then he stopped hanging out with Steve as much. Winnie knew something was terribly wrong then, and she wouldn’t stand by any longer.
So, Sunday night, when her George was out with his guys and her girls were in bed, Winnie tapped on James’ door. (Yes, her girls always called him Bucky, and so did Steve, but Winnie was ok with it, it made her feel more like Jamie or James were specially for her.)
“Come in.” was the soft answer. Winnie opened the door and saw James sitting cross legged on his bed. His posture was tired, and Winnie could swear his eyes were slightly red.
“Hi honey. Can we talk for a little bit?”
Winnie saw the exact moment James’ guard went up. “Uh, sure.”
Winnie clicked her tongue as she sat on the foot of his bed. “None of that now.” He looked confused. “I’m your Ma, baby. You don’t need to hide from me.” His cheeks flushed, but he didn’t answer. “Jamie sweetie, what’s wrong?”
James looked down at the bed, refusing to meet her eyes. “Nothin’ wrong, Ma. Why?”
“You’ve been so distant lately. Now you’re not even seeing Stevie as much. It’s not like you at all.”
James’ shoulders slumped and he looked up at her. Winnie felt a rush of fondness for her son. He was so handsome, and so good. She was proud of him. “I’m sorry I’ve been distant, Ma. I never meant to hurt you.”
Winnie reaches over and took his hand, squeezing it gently. “You haven’t hurt me baby! I’m just worried for you. The girls miss you, apparently you’re the best wild Indian in these here parts.” That at least got a small smile. “Heaven above, even your Pa’s gone and noticed, and he’s the most oblivious man I’ve ever met.”
James actually laughed softly, his tired young face brightening for a second before returning to weariness. “Just working some stuff out. No big deal, Ma. I’ll be back to normal soon.” His voice raised slightly on the normal and Winnie wondered.
“Want to talk about it, honey?”
“No Ma, I’m ok.”
“Hmmm.” Winnie observed her son again, whose fingers were fidgeting with the quilt on his bed. “So what about Steve? Why are you pushing him away?”
James shrugged. “I’m not.”
“Oh yes you are. I can count on one hand the amount of times you’ve seen him in the past three weeks, and usually I run out of fingers before one week is out. Steve comes here, and leaves quickly looking confused, saying you weren’t feeling well. And you may look tired, boy, but you’re as healthy as a horse.”
James shrugged again. “I just feel like we’re growing apart. Maybe it’s time to separate.”
That wasn’t her son talking at all. He adored that boy. Winnie, astonished by the amount of confusing things her boy was saying, said in shock, “Nonsense. You love that boy like-“ she had been about to say ‘a brother’ but she saw how James’ breath hitched on the word love and she understood.
Oh did she understand.
“James. James, honey.” Her son refused to meet her eyes at all. “You love Steve, don’t you?”
Maybe another time Jamie would’ve tried to deny it. Tonight, he burst into horrified sobs.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, please don’t hate me, I’m sorry! I’m trying to make it go, it won’t go, I’m trying I swear, Ma please don’t hate me, I love you, I’ll make it go somehow, just please don’t hate me, Ma-“ his breath grew into panicking, gasping sobs as James Barnes begged with his mother to not hate him for loving another boy.
She moved forward immediately and scooped her son into her arms, bringing her big boy to sit on her lap and tuck himself in like he used to, his head resting on her bosom as his sobs got more frantic. “Jamie, baby, I could never hate you! Never, you hear me? Not least of all for loving someone.” His sobs became more gasping as he chanced a look up at her. She gave him a sad, sincere smile as she ran her hand through his hair. “Take a moment to let it all out, baby boy, then we can talk about it.”
So they sat there, a 14 yr old boy curled into the lap of his loving mother while he cried his heart out, her hand moving lovingly through his dark brown hair, murmuring gentle reassurances to her child. As his cries quieted, she kissed the top of his head. As he started to squirm-with shame, she knew him too well-she tapped his chin to make him look at her. “Do not be ashamed, James Buchanan Barnes. Do not be ashamed of loving that boy and do not be ashamed of crying for your love.”
James sniffled and relaxed in her arms. Winnie supposed that was a win. “You’re supposed to hate me, Ma. To tell me I’m wrong, an abomination. That God hates me.”
“Who sets these rules, I’ll never know.” Winnifred Barnes tutted. “Listen to me, boy. Listen good. I will never hate you. Ever. I’m your mother, it goes against any promise I ever made you by conceiving you. You’re not wrong, or an abomination. You’re incapable of being so, and Father Mulcahy doesn’t know what he’s about. You love God first, baby, and he won’t care so much about the rest of it.” Winnifred Barnes was a forward thinker, who prided herself on knowing a thing or two. And she knew she was right in this. There was no way she’d let her son think this way, especially when it caused him so much pain.
“It’s not legal, though. If anyone finds out-“ James looked up at her fearfully. “People die because of it.”
“You’ll just have to hide it, baby. Jamie, I wish nothing more than that you could grow up in a world where you could be anything or anyone you wanted to be, but that’s not our world. Maybe in another hundred years, but not now. You’ve gotta be able to hide it.”
James was quiet for a while, fingers playing with the folds of her skirts-something he’d done since he was a baby. “Will you help me, Ma? You won’t tell anyone, not even Pa?”
Oh, how she wished she knew how her George would react. But she didn’t, and it wasn’t worth the risk. “Of course, sweetheart.” They sat in silence for a while before Winnie asked, “What about Steve?”
Her happy, bright boy looked defeated. “Can’t tell ‘im of course. I dunno what to do, Ma. I don’t want to lose Stevie, but it hurts. Right here.” He thumped his chest.
Winnie could see James tiring, so she arranged them so that he was lying down and she sat beside him, stroking his hair. “I’m afraid I can’t make that decision for you, Jamie. That’s something you need to decide for yourself. But if you do decide to break off your friendship with him, at least grant him some dignity with it, instead of ignoring him.”
They were silent for a long while afterwards, before James spoke up with a little bit more spirit to his voice, “Stevie and I, we’re together forever, already promised that. It ain’t the end of the line yet. Besides, someone needs to take care of Steve. I already miss him, Ma, happens every time I don’t see him. I can still be his best friend, right?”
Winnie just wanted her child happy. “Yes you can, honey. Just take care of yourself too.”
“Ok Ma.” A long pause later, “I love you Ma.”
“I love you too baby.” Winnie was up for a long while, even after her son had fallen asleep, praying for protection for her sweet sweet boy, and happiness for him in the harsh world he’d have to live in.
12 years later...
Winnie watched the bustle around the docks. It was busier than normal today, but for an obvious reason. Their troops were shipping out.
Winnie saw her handsome son walking towards her and smiled, despite the heaviness in her chest. Her boy had grown up so kind, so handsome. She was so proud of her Jamie. And he looked right smart in his military uniform too.
Once his sisters had backed off, his father talking with other men, James came right up to his ma. “Hey Ma.”
“Hey Jamie. What’s the matter?” She read into the tight set of his shoulders, the careful way he held himself together. He was scared, tired. Of course, he was going all the way overseas. And Winnie couldn’t even go with him to comfort him through whatever terrors he saw.
“Just stressed is all. Guess it just struck me that I’m actually leaving you guys. And Stevie. Doesn’t feel right.”
“We’ll miss you Jamie. Where is Steve anyway?”
James shifted. “Said goodbye last night, at the show. He was trying another recruiting station.”
“Of course.” Winnie loved Steve, she did, but she wished Steve had even a fraction of an idea how much he hurt his friend regularly.
James shifted, then hunched smaller, drawing slightly closer. “I’m scared, Ma.”
Winnie’s heart broke just a little bit. “I know baby.”
“Will you-“ Jamie cut himself off before looking around guiltily.
“What baby?”
“Will you still love me when I come back?”
Winnie froze. This felt somehow reminiscent of that one night all those years ago. “Sweetheart, I promised you. I’ll always love you.”
“But I’m going over there to hurt people. To kill people. I’m gonna kill people, Ma. Will that make you hate me?”
Her poor boy seemed so lost and sad. He was too precious to go off to war. Winnie worried for how it’d change her boy. “War is ugly baby. Kill or be killed, that’s what it’s about. I don’t want you to ever have to kill someone baby, but I’m not naive. I know you will, and I’ll love you regardless. God in Heaven above, you could kill hundreds and I’d still love you, because I know who you are, James Barnes.” She stepped up and tapped his chest. “Remember this. The man in here, this heart that beats under my finger, is a kind, compassionate person who would never hurt another living soul unless they had no other choice. Don’t forget that, Jamie.”
His eyes had a slight sheen. “I won’t, Ma.”
“Good.” She stepped forward and pulled him into a bear hug, even though he now had to bend down to hug her. “You take care of yourself, alright child? Come back to me.”
“I’ll do my best, Ma.”
“I love you, Jamie.”
“I love you too, Ma.”