Chapter Text
Futaba fastened the towel around her shoulders tightly, staring intently at her reflection in the mirror. She held the scissors up to her hair, hands shaking the closer she got to the long, ginger mess. She inhaled sharply, squeezed her eyes shut and let the blades snap underneath her earlobe.
She stared at the strands dropping to the floor in slow motion, landing at her feet.
She squealed, half delighted, half terrified. She raised the scissors up to her hair once more, watching closely as the hair slowly fell to the floor the more she heard the snap of the blades. Soon, the bathroom floor was covered in the auburn tresses. Futaba brushed her hand against the underside of her new haircut. It was shorn just above her ears, uneven and softer than she expected the ends to be. her bangs remained intact, with two longer pieces framing her face.
She bolted for her phone, fingers shaking as she typed a new message into the group chat.
futaba: guys i did a thing
futaba: it will be a shock
futaba: but it was all for the best
Makoto started typing.
Makoto: I swear to God, Futaba if you hacked into the US government military database again, I will make you wish you never learned to type.
Ann went online, almost immediately after Makoto sent the worryingly vague threat.
Ann: Omg Futaba did you cut your own bangs???
Ann: I did that once lol
Ann: Shiho started crying when I came into class the next morning.
futaba: something like that...
Ryuji appeared.
ryuji: holy shit i remember that
ryuji: it was like the first time i dyed my hair blonde but worse because urs couldnt be fixed with black dye
Makoto: Absolute idiots. All of you.
Makoto: Apart from you, Haru, you're an angel.
Haru: :)
Akira came online, lurking before speaking. Sly fucker.
akira: i think we need photo evidence of the hair disasters. and of futaba's unknown threat level crisis.
Futaba huffed, glaring into the screen as if it was the bane of her very existence. He was so insufferably devious sometimes, it made her want to hit him over the head with a newspaper like a badly behaving cat.
futaba: you egg
futaba: only i'm allowed to call it shitty
futaba: i grew and cut it myself. i have custody over my haircut crisis.
akira: i was definitely not going to take you to court over a self-inflicted hair cut.
ryuji: lmao 'self-inflicted'
ryuji: im sure it ain't that bad futaba
ryuji: and if it is, no one will see it anyway
Ann: Ryuji don't be fucking rude
ryuji: square up u wet cat
Makoto: Both of you need to sit down.
Makoto: In fact, take several seats.
Ann: Yes, ma'am.
ryuji: sorry makoto
ryuji: and u too i guess
Ann: Wow, thanks
Yusuke: Futaba, what have you done??
Futaba grinned, running back to the bathroom, almost slipping on the towel she left on the floor. She turned her camera on, snapping a photo of all the hair on the floor. She inhaled, exhaled, and pressed send.
[futaba sent an image to the group chat]
futaba: voila, fuckers
futaba: here lies the dead and gone mop of my hair
futaba: i am a new woman now
futaba: it's like a second awakening uno?
akira: i am thou, thou art i
akira: clean up the hair before Boss fucking dies
Ann: He won't be able to take it.
Ann: The change is too severe.
Haru: ... Oh no, we killed it
Haru: We didn't even send it a calling card...
ryuji: damn
ryuji: we need a funeral
Haru: I can provide flowers!
Yusuke: I will volunteer to organize the interior design.
Yusuke: Do not even think of denying me, Akira, you thought the color chartreuse was blue
akira: ...
akira: chartreuse does not sound like the disgusting lime green you showed me
akira: it sounds blue.
Yusuke: Did you just call chartreuse 'lime green'?
Makoto: Futaba, seriously, clean up the hair it's a hazard to your health.
futaba: oh, i see.
futaba: when animal fur is put on the floor, it's "chic" and "a nice rug"
futaba: but when I do it, it's "a hazard to my health"
Makoto: Futaba, clean up the hair.
futaba: ok
Akira sighed, leaning back against the slightly open window. The summer was dull and hot, full of dramatic sighs and proclamations of burning to death in "100 degree” heat. He felt his phone buzz in his hand, stirring him from the haze in between sleep and lethargic apathy. It was a message from the group chat again.
Ann was in the middle of delivering the eulogy for Futaba's shorn hair.
Ann: And may you rest in pieces, shoved underneath the shower mat.
futaba: how did you know
Ann: Futaba I was joking take the hair out from underneath the shower mat and put it in the trash
Makoto: It's unhygienic!
Haru: It will get stuck in your drain and become gross :(
ryuji: ewww imagine that long ass hair in ur drain pipe
ryuji: that shit nastyyyy
futaba: no u
ryuji: haha jokes on u
ryuji: *reverse uno card*
futaba: you bastard that was uncalled for
ryuji: ur face is uncalled for
akira: stop acting like children or i'll smack you with my paper fan.
futaba: kinky
akira: i hate you, you're fired.
Makoto: You can't fire her, she's our navigator.
Makoto: What will we do without her?
ryuji: ...
ryuji: yo...
ryuji: remember that one time where i figured out the map and got us out of a scary volleyball sex dungeon?
Ann: Where are you going with this?
Ann: Wait.
Ann: No. Absolutely not.
akira: no, wait, let him speak.
ryuji: i would make a hella cute navi
ryuji: that's all im sayin
futaba: this is treason.
futaba: a plague on both your houses.
Makoto: Do not aggressively quote Shakespeare at me, young lady.
futaba: eat my shorts, villain
Ann: There is no way in HELL we're letting Ryuji be the Navi.
Ann: I once took him to the diner and he said he was going to go to the bathroom.
Ann: It took me an hour and a half to find him, curled up in the rain outside the bar in Shinjuku.
ryuji: it was not my fault!
ryuji: it was dark and i took a left turn instead of a right.
Ann: It was 3pm.
futaba: uno, i would never do that
akira: silence, gremlin, the jury is deciding your fate.
futaba: fuck you
akira: !!
akira: who taught you that word???
futaba: pancake bitch
futaba: he dropped his sword and he just stared at it for a few seconds before quietly saying
futaba: "hmm... fuck"
akira: where is he
Ann: Who?
ryuji: freakin akechi
Haru: Oh, don't be mean to him! I actually find him rather pleasant.
Makoto: Sweet, innocent Haru... If only you knew
Makoto: Goro Akechi is a certified bitch
Makoto: You should see his qualifications, they're actually rather impressive.
Haru: But
Haru: He told me my hair looked nice once, and he was really sincere about it too!
Yusuke: He, too, thought chartreuse was blue.
Yusuke: It really seems like the pair are well suited to each other
akira: we are not a "pair", we are a rivalry.
akira: healthy competition, if you will
Ann: You called him a beautiful bastard once.
Ann: He told you to go fuck yourself and you said "fuck me yourself, coward"
akira: it is a natural response, is it not?
Ann: No, Akira.
Ann: It's not.
Ann: Stop calling yourselves rivals when you're obviously fucking each other
ryuji: theyre doing whAT
Yusuke: They're having sex, Ryuji, do keep up.
akira: we are not having sex!!
akira: he is my nemesis!!
akira: my top issue!!
futaba: oh he's your "top issue", alright...
akira: shut up you little toad
ryuji: akira and akechi are doing wHAT
Yusuke: I just told you, Ryuji, they're having casual sex.
ryuji: akira...
ryuji: and... akechi???
ryuji: are... screwin each other???
Makoto: Akira, I implore you to raise your standards.
akira: oh, they're high, makoto.
akira: they're high enough that i refused mishima for him.
ryuji: akira... bro... that's not high
ryuji: ur just really thirsty
Haru: Akira's thirsty?
Haru: But he lives above a coffee shop.
Haru: He can make a drink any time he wants!
Ann: She is too pure for this chat.
Makoto: I feel the sudden urge to protect her.
akira: that's pretty gay, makoto
Makoto: You're sleeping with Akechi, so pardon me if I excuse myself from bearing the brunt of being the gay disaster in the group.
futaba: damn, makoto snapped
futaba: it's ok makoto you can be our lesbian mom
Makoto: Thank you for the honor of serving this family of idiots as the sole voice of reason.
Makoto: Apart from you, Haru, you're too good for this world.
Haru: :)
ryuji: this is the same girl who slammed an axe into a shadow and giggled afterwards
ryuji: what the eff???
Ann: Ryuji, how come you don't say fuck?
ryuji: my mom can sense it from a mile away
ryuji: i dont wanna disappoint her
Ann: That's surprisingly wholesome
Ann: You and your mom have always been close
ryuji: yeah
ryuji: what about it
Ann: Oh, nothing.
Ann: I'm just a bit jealous.
Ann: My parents are always abroad.
ryuji: ann
ryuji: if this is a way into gettin me to adopt u out of pity
ryuji: i will not
ryuji: there can only be one blonde in the sakamoto household
futaba: duel each other!!
futaba: do it for the teen angst!!
ryuji: whats the prize
futaba: your mom
akira: well played, young one
akira: both factually correct and upholding the meme culture of our house.
akira: i am proud.
futaba: uwu
akira: i am no longer proud.
Yusuke: What does "uwu" mean?
futaba:...
akira:...
futaba: im gonna tell him.
akira: don't you dare
ryuji: ignore em, yusuke.
ryuji: it's an internet troll thing
Yusuke: Futaba is a troll?
Yusuke: Although it is not inaccurate, it is rather bold of you to say it to her face
futaba: oi
futaba: rude
ryuji: u heard him
ryuji: i ain't wrong
futaba: that's fair
futaba: i'm bored imma add akechi
akira: what
[Futaba added Goro Akechi to the group]
futaba: done
futaba: the bitch has arrived
akira: what have you done
Ann: Are you insane??
Ann: Did you cut some of that common sense away with all that hair?
futaba: wow, someone's pissy
futaba: what, did i step on your tail?
Ann: No, you just ruined the sanctity of our friendship and trust
futaba: so be it
futaba: i see thou knowest me not
Akechi: Romeo and Juliet, Act 3, scene one
Akechi: I was not aware you studied Shakespeare, Futaba
futaba: i dont read.
Akechi: Ah.
akira: you know romeo and juliet off by heart???
Akechi: Not word for word, but I take a literature course at my school.
akira: that's so nerdy
akira: its also kind of hot
Akechi: What?
akira: what?
Ann: I hate you
akira: i know.
ryuji: bro im so disappointed in u
ryuji: of all the bastards, you had to screw this one???
Akechi: While remaining neutral to this particular element of the conversation, I must point out that I am not a bastard.
ryuji: lies
futaba: ok everyone, is goro akechi
futaba: a bastard?
Ann: Yes.
Makoto: The finest.
Haru: In the best possible way!
ryuji: hella
Yusuke: There is no questioning it
akira: yes, but he's pretty so it's ok
Akechi: Oh.
akira: it's ok, i still want to fight you
Akechi: You do?
Akechi: What a relief.
futaba: by 'fight you', he means he wants to fuck you
akira: i am disowning you
akira: have fun by yourself
akira: ryuji you're the new navi
ryuji: hell yeah!!
Akechi: Oh, I am well aware.
Ann: I just choked on my crepe
Makoto: I think I've seen Hell.
Makoto: It looks a lot like this group chat.
Haru: Ann, are you alright?
Haru: Do you need assistance?
Ann: No, you wonderful human being.
Ann: Everything is now fine.
Makoto: Back off, Takamaki
Ann: okoksorry
ryuji: girls are scary
futaba: i know right
Ann: Ryuji don't be fucking rude
ryuji: goddamit ann
Yusuke: Ryuji, your fear of women explains how you are still without a lover, does it not?
ryuji: bullshit
ryuji: i might be gay, u kno?
Yusuke: I am gay, Ryuij. You are not gay.
ryuji: i am not gay, no
ryuji: im a bisexual babeyyy
futaba: and yet here you are
futaba: all bi yourself
ryuij: can we keep her?
akira: we have no choice.
Akechi: She seems to be adequate, so it is not too much of a burden
futaba: fuck you
futaba: i am above adequate
futaba: i am a god
futaba: hail me, you thot
Akechi: I have to refuse the offer.
Akechi: And I will not ask what a 'thot' refers to.
ryuji: she called u a hoe
futaba: a slut, if you will
ryuji: a whore
futaba: a seducer
ryuji: a jezebel
Ann: Jeez, y'all popped off
Goro frowned, flashing his phone screen at the boy laying on top of him, legs sprawled across his lap.
"Your friends do not seem to like me"
Akira propped himself up onto his elbows, reading the messages, then lazily lowering himself down. He groaned in the heat and fanned himself with his hand.
"They're a tough crowd. That, and you did attempt to murder me. Twice" He drawled, half-assedly tossing his phone onto the pile of unwanted blankets by the bed.
"Well, yes. But still: that was a while ago and now we're 'healthy rivals'." Goro sent a pointed look at the boy splayed across his lap. Said boy grinned.
"What, don't tell me you don't think you aren't a believable nemesis to me?" Akira teased, hands behind his head as Goro continued to scroll through the chat. He paused, finger hovering over the screen as he let out a quiet hum.
"You think I'm pretty?"
Akira sat up, staring at Goro's face.
"The prettiest bastard to ever have graced this Earth."
Goro looked away, bashfully silent.
"You're not too shabby yourself..." he muttered.
Akira smirked.
"Sorry, what was that? I couldn't hear you."
Goro scowled playfully, punching him lightly on the arm.
"I said you weren't too shabby yourself."
Akira cupped a hand to his ear, motioning for him to speak louder.
"Speak up, hon, I can't hear you."
Goro huffed, tossing a pillow at Akira's face.
"You're a fucking beautiful asshole, dammit."