Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Lan Zhan, are you asleep?” a hushed voice asked.

Crisp moonlight poured through the window of their shared inn room. It created a blue cast light across the interior. Wei Wuxian lay in his bed on one end of the room, counting every overlapping piece of wood comprising the ceiling above. He had mistakenly hoped that would make the night pass by faster. But it was no use, he couldn’t sleep. 

It was likely 1am. A time for covert operations held away from the light of prying eyes. Wei Wuxian was very familiar with such operations and causing mischief in the night. In fact, he once prided himself in perpetrating as many funny, harmless tricks as he could when no one was awake; racking up each deed uncaught as a badge of honor. These days he didn’t have the time or the heart for such acts but still the night was familiar to him. It was a friend that had seen him through all of his moods. A confidant that hid feelings that were better left concealed when morning came. But nowadays, he found that there was someone nearby that was allowed to know some of these feelings. Allowed to take a look at this grief and embrace it, rather than shy away. 

“Wei Ying, rest” Lan Wangji responded.

It was 1:43 a.m.-- a time that in the past Lan Wangji seldom was awake. Throughout the past 16 years, Lan Wangji became well acquainted with long, sleepless nights. He often spent them thinking about all the ‘what if’s’ that had long passed him by. There were countless inn rooms he had passed through,, wishing that he had some way to keep out the gnawing resentment that festered in his head. Yet the source of all those restless nights was right in front of him, reanimated out of thin air, asking him questions like it was grade school sleepover. Ah yes, the sleepover-- one of the most intricate of rituals, conducted by those who would soon forget the words of their youth. But neither Wei Wuxian, shoddy as his memory may be, nor Lan Wangji has ever forgotten those beautiful summer days in Gusu of years past. If anything, those memories have kept him up countless nights. Scenes flashing through his mind on repeat, haunting him over and over again.

“I know, I know. Work is prohibited from the hours of 9pm to 5am. I too have copied this rule a thousand times. Not like you were asleep either though.”

After deliberating whether to answer back, Lan Wangji responded with a short, “Indeed.” Not indicating which part of that statement he was acknowledging.  

However, both were true. He also couldn’t sleep. Even if he could, Wei Wuxian wasn’t going to let him sleep without saying what he wanted to say. Even if he didn’t answer him, he would still say his thoughts out loud, though perhaps a bit quieter out of courtesy.

“I can’t stop thinking about today. About Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen.”

“Hm?” Hearing those names, Wangji sat up a bit against the headboard.

“You can’t forget about them either, can you? I can’t blame you. It was… it was a lot.”

Wangji shook his head in agreement, fixing his gaze steadily on Wei Wuxian.

“Ya know, I really looked up to Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. I always thought they were doing it all right. They lived by their morals, staying out of the business of the rest of the entire cultivation world and just lived. Seeing them end up like that, I can’t help but think it’s too unfortunate. They just wanted to help others, that's all. How could they end up like this. None of this was their fault.”

Saying that he sat up against the headboard. For a while he was silent. Wangji thought he was done so he closed his eyes but then Wei Wuxian started again, this time quieter, more grave.

“Lan Zhan, just what did you mean when you said  it was ‘fortunate’ earlier? Fortunate for who, surely not for them?”

“I didn’t mean anything by it.” 

He was startled by that question. Truthfully, he didn’t want to answer but he couldn’t stay quiet. What would happen if Wei Wuxian asked again in the morning and he still had no answer. Or if misunderstandings piled up again like they did before. He couldn’t let that happen again.. 

He truly felt it was ‘fortunate’ for them to play the role that they did, which was none, but he didn’t mean for anyone to hear that. It was a slip of the tongue. Could one word be so telling?

“They are too much like us aren't they? Is that what you meant earlier?”

A croaked “uh” escaped his mouth. It was barely audible but in that silent room it was deafening, cutting the air with a wire. 

‘Wei Ying, just what do you want from me? Whatever it is, I’ll give it to you. Just say it clearly ’ These were the words he kept in his heart all this time. He wanted to voice them, but feared the response. Still his heart screamed 

‘ Just what are trying to get at. What do you want me to reveal? Do you need me to just say it? Say that I love you?? ’

“Ya know, I think so too!” His voice, quiet but strong seemed to curse the world. It was ripe with vengeance but also defeat.

“I wanted to tell Song Lan that it’d be okay.”

 It cracked. Everything. The facade, the confidence, the sing-songy cadence of his voice; It was all gone, replaced by the cry of a child.

“Tell him that Xiao Xingchen would come back. Someday, definitely, he can be saved. It may take a while but it would be well worth waiting for. They’ll be reunited. But I couldn’t say it!! I couldn’t say that and give him false hope. If anyone could say it, it should be me right? I did the same thing essentially!! But I don’t know what I did to be here right now either. I don’t know how to tell him a miracle will happen and he’ll be able to see the one he cherishes again. I don’t know how I got so lucky to achieve that. I can’t say it will happen for sure. I!!!..” That rage trailed off as if he was suddenly aware that he was shouting.

If the neighboring room had guests surely they’d have woken up by now. But neither of them could care about anything else right now. This entire time Wei Wuxian was facing away, cursing at the wall, his face collapsed in his hands, not daring to give Lan Wangji even a peak at the emotions erupting on his face. He couldn’t say this sort of thing in broad daylight. There were too many prying eyes. There was still a reputation he had to live up to, even if that reputation wasn’t his own anymore but Mo Xuanyu’s. Despite that, he still had a mask to wear. A face he couldn’t show others. The dark of night was the only place such vulnerabilities could come to the surface. No one else should shoulder the weight of his heart save for the night.

“I’ve been so lucky, so lucky that I can’t even imagine it. It’s like a dream.” 

Hot tears streamed down his cheeks and fell onto his lap. Still, Wei Wuxian didn’t dare look over. He buried his head further down, with one hand gripping a handful of hair in a fist at the edge of his temple.

“Lan Zhan… I don’t know what happened these past 16 years. I really don’t. I don’t know what you’ve spent all your time doing, or where the hell my soul was. But I don’t want to tiptoe around how I feel anymore. I have lived two lifetimes now without saying it. I should’ve said this earlier, but I didn't”  

He shut his eyes completely, not wanting to see even the moonlight, and took a deep breath. With that Lan Wangji stopped in his tracks halfway over to Wei Wuxian.

“I love you. I’ve loved you all these years. I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about how lucky I have been to meet you. To be able to get a glimpse closer into your world. How fortunate I was to see you again. How fortunate I am to share this space with you again. That night at Mo Manor I thought one glimpse was all I needed, I wouldn't be selfish. I wouldn’t get you mixed up in the mess I created again. Back then I pushed you away because I didn't want to bring you down when I left the cultivation world’s good graces. I wanted to pretend I never felt anything for you. But I couldn’t. I never could get rid of it. I know this all sounds crazy but I-”

“Wei Ying!” 

In his rambling he hadn’t noticed that Lan Wangji made his way across the room to his bedside. All he knew was that he suddenly felt a weight settle next to him on the bed. Beside him, Lan Wangji sat staring down at his turned back. Though he couldn't see Lan Wangji, he swore he could feel his eyes on him. It was this piercing gaze of Lan Wangji’s that Wei Wuxian was slightly afraid of, though he’d never admit it. It saw right through him like the light of a microscope, pinning him to a slide and leaving him there to be examined as a specimen. He'd seen this stare many times before in his time studying at the Cloud Recess. And every time he saw it, the situation ended poorly.

‘ Ah he’s gonna scold me now isn't he. ’ Wei Wuxian thought. ' Time for damage control. Oh boy, here we go. ' 

Reluctantly, he took his face out of his hand, loosened the other hand’s grip on his hair but didn’t release, and looked slightly over his shoulder in Wangji’s direction. Not wanting to give himself away fully to the other’s gaze, he purposefully didn't shift his body from it's position in front of the wall next to him.

“Actually, please just forget about this in the morning. Maybe I’ve just had too much to drink..”

He knew it was a flimsy excuse that someone like Lan Wangji would never buy, but he had to say something. Maybe he wasn't as brave as he thought. In the midst of his lying, a rough warm hand clasped around his wrist. His heart jumped. Slowly, he released his grip on that hand that was still fastened in his hair and moved his hand down towards the mattress, next to his other hand. Lan Wangji’s hand was still firmly placed on his wrist. He looked at Wei Wuxian with pleading eyes and mouth slightly ajar as if something was on the tip of his tongue but not quite there yet. 

“Lan-” He started in surprise, the words still caught halfway in his throat. Part of him wanted to tear his hand away and take back all the things he had said. ‘ This was pity, he feels obligated, there’s no way that-- ’

His rampant, frenzied thoughts were cut off by the same warm, calloused hand moving away from his wrist towards the top of his hand, cupping it and squeezing it gently in reassurance. 

“Wei Ying, it’s not crazy. You aren’t dragging me down. You never have.” These words were softer than any silk, kinder than any extended hand he’s ever received. He hadn’t heard a voice so gentle since the death of his sister.

“I feel the same. Even after holding onto them for so long, I couldn’t say it.”

For the first time in a while, Wei Wuxian was speechless. For a second, he questioned if he was really allowed to receive such kind, sincere words after all the trouble he’d caused. Even as he tried to put the past behind him, he couldn't bury it fully. After daring to lay his soul bare and say the words he’s never said out loud before, he still couldn’t have anticipated such a reaction. Well to be honest, he didn’t know what reaction he was expecting. He didn’t plan on admitting his feelings, well...ever if he could’ve but something about Wangji’s comments earlier  that day didn’t settle well with him. He couldn’t let it go without saying something, but who knew it would lead to this. 

Finally he managed to stammer out, “Y-y-y-you..?!” 

“Yes, all this time, I loved you. More than you know.”

 ‘ Longer than we’ve been in this world together, I’ve loved you for. ’ Wangji added internally.

With that his heart fluttered in a way that gave him chills. He sat up straighter, inched closer to Wangji and turned the rest of his body towards the man on the bedside. He placed his other hand on top of Wangji’s like a school kid playing a game. Looking down, he smiled at his own action, like he had won some unspoken game. If not for the stickiness on his cheek, no one would know that a second ago he was crying profusely. 

Wangji didn’t return the gesture by placing his second hand on top of the hand pile, but instead wiped away a stray tear on Wei Wuxian’s cheek. 

He chuckled, “Lan Zhan, oh Lan Zhan. You really are the only one who can surprise me like this after all this time.”

With a weight lifted off his shoulders, Lan Wangji released a breath and smiled slightly, staring down at the hands on the mattress. How many years had he spent hoping for this. How many scenarios did he play in his head while failing to fall asleep. How many words did he rehearse, and lines on the Qin did he practice hoping for an answer that may never come. Far far far too many. Yet here, in this small inn in Qinghe, he finally found the answer he was looking for. Finally, he could sleep at night, knowing he had said what he needed to say once and for all.

“We should go back to sleep.”

‘ Business and rules as always, he really hasn’t changed? ’ Wei Wuxian thought. 

“Ehh? How can I?” he pouted, throwing his head forward into Wangji's chest. 

“This feels like a dream, every part of it, I don’t want to go back to bed and wake up and it’s not real. Let me enjoy it a little longer, alright, Hanguang-jun, please?” He protested like a child who wanted to get their way. He hadn’t been so brazen in a while. His regular cheerful, playful tone was finally restored. Though he still doubted how real this all was, hearing Wangji’s sincerity, he felt a little more confident with himself once again.

“Fine,” he relented, fondness clear in his response. After all there was no way he could deny Wei Wuxian anything this time around. There was no enemy he wouldn’t make or sword he wouldn’t block in order to protect him. Something as arbitrary as rules could wait for another day. With that, he pulled Wei Wuxian closer into a hug. If Wei Wuxian was the one to say things first, then he would be the one to act first.

Letting go after a long embrace Lan Wangji stared back into brown eyes, turned black against a deep moonlight. 

“This isn’t a dream, I promise.” His voice clear, words true.

“I know.” Wei Wuxian said with a smile.

This was the smile that Lan Wangji loved best. Even in the darkness he could see the way his lips curled up, as if they were pushing up the morning sun to rise. It was a smile he had seen a hundred times and never wished to go another day without seeing it. Was it fair for someone to have a smile so bright?  

“Hanguang-juuuun, you’re staring at my face so intently, is it really that pretty?” Wei Wuxian peeped up again. His cheeks reddening a bit in shame at his brazen words. He hadn’t been this cheeky in so long.

After coming back, Wei Wuxian had soon made it a habit to call Lan Wangji by his title whenever he wanted to prod at him. As if he was poking fun at the illustrious image of the Gusu Lan sect’s Twin Jade. 

Without missing a beat Lan Wangji replied, “Yes, it really is.” He was still staring at Wei Wuxian’s face, specifically the mole on the right side of his mouth. He’s always thought it was the cutest thing back when they first met, often averting his gaze when Wei Wuxian spoke so he didn’t end up staring at it. When Wei Wuxian first came back, he tried to avoid looking directly at it, in fear that he’d reveal his hand too early. But now that everything had been said, he no longer had to hold himself back. He could stare at Wei Wuxian’s face all he wanted without anyone to answer back to.

Wei Wuxian let out a contented laugh and fell into Lan Wangji’s arms once again, cherishing every moment.

Gathering up some courage he started, “Wei Ying, may I…” 

Without having to finish, Wei Wuxian knew what he was asking. Every fiber of his being waiting for this moment for years. He couldn’t hold back and interrupted:

“Of course”

 He knew it was hard for Lan Wangji to ask something like that. Normally if there was something he wanted to do, he just would do it and not ask questions. Or if it was too much trouble to ask, he would give up on it completely. Never asking the question he wanted answers to. To see him in such a careful state, Wei Wuxian couldn’t help but find the whole thing endearing.

Hearing that Lan Wangji pulled Wei Wuxian in closer and kissed him. It was a shallow restrained kiss, as if Lan Wangji was still afraid of being too forward.

“Again.” 

You don’t need to be so afraid

“Mhn”

Lan Wangji received the message loud and clear, and let go the final restraint he was putting on himself this whole time. After kissing over, and over, the two naturally pulled away after a long while. 

Wei Wuxian spoke first, “Ya know, even if this is a dream, then that’s okay. It’s been the best dream of my life, all I hope is that I never wake up.”