Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Me
so let me tell you, right, last night's dream was weird as hell
i was in the kitchen, right? n u no how the back door has the top window that opens well i was lookin out it
and
there's this moose. a motherfuckin moose like what th hell???? so its munchin on the grass
dad said u need 2 cut that btw
and i'm just like "k cool watevs" and so i ignore it? rational thing right. ignore the moose in ur garden
but anyway i turn around and just lean against the door (theres like 3 other ppl in the kitchen eating)
and for a few mins everything is cool. then there's like this tapping behind me?? i'm like whaaa??? so i turn
and it's the bloody moose. tappin at the glass with its antlers. i'm really freaked at this point but no1 else seems 2 care
so i ignore it agan
big mistake, man,
the bloody thing just crashes through the door
i get stabbed by its antlers
there's blood everywhere
and the moose just starts eating everyone in the kitchen

Damian
What

Me
ikr! so weird ahaha

Damian
No I mean 'what' as in What the fuck? Who the fuck even are you?

Me
...
this isn't damian, is it?

Not-Damian
No

Me
fuck
I'm so sorry
this probably isn't what you wanted to wake up to
but i'm going to kill that little shit
again, i am so sorry

Not-Damian
Don't worry about it. I'm sure he didn't mean to give you the wrong number

Me
i'm sorry but have you met my little bro? nothing he does is an accident. ever

Not-Damian
No, I have not met your little brother. And I'm sure that's not the case

Me
mate, i am serious that is the case. once when i was, like 7, this was just after i had moved in mind u, he managed to fill my room with fleas
like
where do you even buy flees
i'm pretty sure thats illegal
would you ever do that to your big bro, mate??? fill his room with fleas????

Not-Damian
"Mate"?

Me
is that not what we are. i thought we hand bonded, like, over our mutual hatred for my brother. i thought it was a prerequisite for friendship, or something

Not-Damian
I don't hate your brother!! I don't even know your brother!

Me
thank yourself lucky, lol
both my brothers are dicks
hahahaha
it's funny cos one of them is actually called dick LOL

Not-Damian
Your brother is called Dick?

Me
ye
well, Richard, and he's not as much of a dick as damian
at least HE gave me the right number
do you have bros????

Not-Damian
No
I did always want some, though

Me
omg
take that back
all brothers are shits, trust me
i once had one that use to smear like anything on the walls
he was fixated with cats too
it was terrible
worst brother ever
thank god he's gone now i can't even remember his name
i don't think he had one
do u wanna swap lives?????
u get dick and dami
i get no one
it's a win/win but no takebacks if u say yes

Not-Damian
Uh
No, thanks.
Anyway, I have to go, class is about to start.
It was nice... meeting you?

Me
aw shit yeah my class started 10 minutes ago whoops i betta run
hope roy saved me a seat
enjoy your day stranger
again, sorry about all this, man

Chapter Text

Me
when we get home i s2g
you better hope that sprained ankle has healed
cos i am not holding back today you litTLE SHIT

Damian
What are you talking about?

Me
oh no
don't you play dumb with me you little shit
you know exactly what i'm talking
that wasn't your number
you made me look like an ass to a complete stranger

Damian
1) You made yourself look like an ass, and
2) This still isn't Damian.

Me
what
what are you talking about
of course this is Damian
you just passed me your number across the canteen

I'm-Pretty-Sure-This-Is-Damian
I can assure you, I most certainly am not Damian and I most certainly did not pass you my number.

Me
...
for fucks sake
this the same one from earlier???

Still-Not-Damian
Yes
I think you have some explaining to do?

Me
I think I have some murders to commit
okay tho srs
i swear, i deleted our convo after i went to class, cos like, i weren't gonna keep some strangers number
so ur number was gone
then i saw dami in the canteen so i was like "write ur number down the REAL one"
so he did and threw it over to me (he'd made it into a paper plane it was pretty cool landed right on target (me))
so i put the number in and just
sent him a text
expressing my annoyance at his prank

Still-Not-Damian
You didn't recognise that it was the same number as before?

Me
no!!!! like i said, i'd deleted ur number and i just ASSUMED he'd actually give me the right one this time
did i actually make myself look line an ass???? sorry mate

Still-Not-Damian
It's fine, I guess. Looks like you did something to piss him off, though.

Me
believe me, everything i do seems to piss him off
but i actually think you may have done something
cos obvs he got this number from somewhere???

Still-Not-Damian
But I don't even know anyone called Damian!

Me
huh
are u sure?
what about a colin?

Idek-Who
Yes I'm sure and no, I don't know a Colin.

Me
roy???

Idek-Who
No

Me
rose???

Seriously-Who-Is-This-Guy
No

Me
marias????

Seriously-Who-Is-This-Guy
No

Me
yeah i don't know any marias either

Seriously-Who-Is-This-Guy
????
Look, is this going somewhere? I'm actually trying to study

Me
oh, sorry mate
what u studyin?

Seriously-Who-Is-This-Guy
Chemistry.

Me
oh sweet!
fancy telling me about bond enthalpy?
it's in my exam
i don't understand any of it

Seriously-Who-Is-This-Guy
I can try?
Not sure if I'd be much help, though.

Me
really?? thanks a bunch, man!

Chemisensei
Uh, no problem, I guess
But do you know what bond enthalpy is, exactly?

Me
enthalpy change that takes place when breaking by homolytic fission 1 mol of a given type of bond in the molecules of a gaseous species

Chemisensei
You just copied that from the text book, didn't you?

Me
...nooooooooo

Chemisensei
I don't believe you, like, AT ALL.
I'm assuming you know Hess' Law?

Me
R1 = R2

Chemisensei
Well, yeah, basically.
For bond enthalpy, everything has to be in its gaseous state

Me
so no liquids or solids

Chemisensei
Nope.

Me
okay

Chemisensei
So, bond dissociation enthalpy is the energy required to break one mol of the bond to give separate atoms. An example is:
2HCl --> H2 + Cl2
See how we've gone from HCl to two separate atoms?

Me
yeah

Chemisensei
So let's say that reaction takes 432 kJ. This then means that the bond dissociation enthalpy for the H-Cl bond is +432 kJ.

Me
okay

Chemisensei
Is this making sense or are you just agreeing with me?

Me
it's making sense i swear!!!!!

Chemisensei
Okay, well, let's test that, all right.
So, you can use bond enthalpies to find out enthalpy changes of reaction.
I'll give you an example from my textbook. Use it to work out the enthalpy changes of reaction.
Sending Image File...

Me
okay, right
so first i use hess right?

Chemisensei
Right!
You can, uh, you can type out your calculations, if you want.
At least then if you get stuck I can see where you've gone wrong, or something.

Me
ah okay, cool
sooooooooo if R1=R2 then
it goes down to C + 2O + 2H?

Chemisensei
Yeah

Me
right ok how do i do delta triangle??? is there a button for it or what

Chemisensei
I don't know??? What phone do you have???

Me
sony
android
z1
i dont think there is damn

Chemisensei
Just type out 'D', then. I'll know what you mean.

Me
i'll give you my D, if you know what i mean ;);)

Chemisensei
...
I'm not even going to dignify that with a response

Me
sorry sorry
so for R2 its +1077 + +436 + +464

Chemisensei
No.

Me
no?????

Chemisensei
No, it's +1077 + 2(+464)

Me
why????

Chemisensei
Because there are two H-O bonds. Look:
Sending Image File...

Me
oh!!!!! yeah okay yeah
so R2 = +1077 + 2(+464) got it
R1 then equals 2(+805) + +436??

Chemisensei
Yes! Now you just have to rearrange it to find DH.

Me
i'll find your D ;);)

Chemisensei
What are you, twelve?

Me
wow
so mean
i thought you were supposed to be teaching me
not mocking, Mr. Totally Not Damian
how do i know you're not secretly damian
punking me

Chemisensei
I'm not Damian!

Me
ye ur right he just walked past with his friends (i think he pays them)
nd he had no phone so yeah
ur totally not him

Chemisensei
I thought we had already established this
Can we get back to the chemistry, or...?

Me
right yes ofc.
so i rearrange it?????
that means DH = B-C

Chemisensei
I'm not sure where the letters have come from.

Me
ohhhhhhh I labelled the routes
DH = 1077 + 2(464) - 2(805) - 436
soooooooooooo
DH = 2005 - 2046
DH = -41????

Chemisensei
Exactly!
The calculations are essentially the same.

Me
r us srs. is that it. have i done it.

Chemisensei
Pretty much, yeah!

Me
christ man u make it look so easy
thanks a bunch
i mean yeah

Chemisensei
No problem!
But, boy, you're really in your element here, aren't you?

Me
AKASJDHSJ
NO
YOU DID NOT
JASDHJ
marry me

Chemisensei
As tempting as that offer is, I'm afraid I will have to decline.

Me
why
is it my hair
everyone always says its the hair
i swear it's not my fault it's like this
it only appeared after i moved in with dami
i think he put something in my shampoo
or it's stress
from having to put up with his shit 24/7

Chemisensei
I was actually declining on the basis that you are, a) a total stranger, and b) a total stranger

Me
mate, we've been over this. we've at least hit the friendship mark. bonding over our mutual friendship for my brother, remember? it's diatomic
(see what i did there? ;))

Chemisensei
That was terrible!
Also what's wrong with you hair?

Me
nothing. nothing is wrong with my hair. my hair is hella fine, THANK YOU.
speaking of hair, i actually have to go now, before i miss the bus

Chemisensei
That actually has nothing to do with hair, but all right

Me
hey, can i
is it okay if i text you again? tomorrow? i kinda like talking to you (and ur a good teacher)
sorry if thats weird

Chemisensei
Uh, well yeah, that's pretty weird
But sure why not, I mean, you're kind of entertaining anyway so, yeah, go ahead.

Me
really? cool! talk to you tomorrow, chemisensei!

Chapter Text

Me
so what's ur name
also good morning

Chemisensei
I'd rather not tell you that, actually.

Me
awwwww c'mon, we're mates arent we?????
i thought we had established this
i'm pretty sure we BONDED over enthalpy

Chemisensei
You're not going to stop with the puns, are you?

Me
hey u started it!
but why won't u tell me ur name
i'll tell u mine
we can trade!!! (nd then get married)

Chemisensei
Telling me your name still won't get me to marry you.
Plus, it'd be illegal.

Me
we can elope
canada
u seem like you'd like canada

Chemisensei
You know, there are moose in Canada
They kill around 5-10 people annually.
Very aggressive.

Me
hah ye we aint goin' canada
how about europe????
i hear their moose pop. is startlingly low

Chemisensei
Nah, I think I like the sound of Canada, or Alaska, actually

Me
hey fuck u
any1 would be lucky to marry me
aNYWAY i need ur name
i can't just have u as 'chemisensei'
ppl r gonna ask questions
questions i cnt anSWER bcos i dONT KNOW UR NAME

Chemisensei
Am I actually saved as Chemisensei?

Me
ofc
capitalisation and everything

Chemisensei
Huh. You're not even saved.

Me
ur words
they wound me
such hurt
very deep

Chemisensei
Am I supposed to feel moved by that or

Me
yes

Cheisensei
Huh
Duly noted

Me
:(
my names jason
jason todd
there
u can save me in ur phone now
:D

Chemisensei
You're not very convincing, you know.
Wait
Jason Todd??
Do you live in Gotham, by any chance??

Me
ye
y
r u stalking me
i bet u fb stalked me just then right????

Chemisensei
No, no
We live in the same town
I remember hearing your name once, is all

Me
O rlly???

Chemisensei
Yeah
You go to Gotham Acadamy, right? Seventh Year?

Me
sixth
how do u know all this
wait u live in Gotham too??????
so u DO know dami

Chemisensei
I don't know your brother!!
My friend Bart is Wally's cousin
He told me about your, er

Me
my 'er'???????
also i know wally!!! dick's bf
thats for best friend, supposedly
but dami and i both know they secretly bangin
he tried to set up cameras in dicks room once 2 try and catch them
but i persuaded him not to
cos
TMI u know?? no 1 wants to see that
anyway what did bart tell u bout me
idk if ive spoken to him or not
bad memory

Chemisensei
He said that the person who streaked across the football stadium was you.
Jason?
Hello?
You still there???

Me
damn
who else knows
cos i can't get arrested
not again, man
once was enough
JK
i haven't been arrested
juvy yes
jail no

Chemisensei
...Do I want to know what you went to juvy for or not?

Me
probably not tbh
but i will tell u
one day
not today
i need to know if i can trust u
starting off with learning ur daMN NAME
oh!!!!!
i could ask wally to ask bart
oh but that means asking dick for wally's number :(
dont want it 2 look like im moving in on his guy
not that wally is HIS GUY or anything OH NO
it's strictly no homo between them
100% no homo
they just bros
100% bromo
*cough*bullshit*cough*

Chemisensei
You sound oddly bitter about that

Me
well ye
what does he think that we're going to judge him????
ofc not
dami's had the hots for his bff since b4 i came around
tho i think thats because colin is the only one im positive dami isn't paying
i think he's whacked in the head or something
jst kidding
colins cool
we spent some time together a few years back in the same foster family
im hoping he will be a good influence on dami
emphasis on hoping

Chemisensei
And what about you?

Me
me????
what about me????

Chemisensei
Well, what's your stance on whether Dick is banging Wally or not?

Me
let me put it aptly
this is a family of gays
idk where bruce went wrong
i'm also p. sure bruce is crushing on his 'business partner'
its in quotes because bruce is self employed and this guy is a journalist
what business could they have 2gether i do not know
do not want to know

Chemisensei
So you're gay, too, then

Me
eh
well
its more of a vague wiggly hand movement
i mean
if ur cute
ur cute son that's it
u got game and i wanna play
which gives us me a perf segue
send pics!!!!!
wanna no if ur cute
wanna no if i can play this game ;)

Chemisensei
I can never actually tell if what you are saying is serious or not.
You are literally impossible to figure out.

Me
im serious!!!!! so serious in fact people often ask me
why so serious?
and i just laugh

Chemisensei
Right.

Me
its so dark outside
hey can u believe we've been texting all day????
all day and i STILL don't know ur name OR ur face
how ironic

Chemisensei
It's not that ironic. (Or at all??)

Me
ye well
hey if i sent a pic first would u send one after

Chemisensei
Probably (read: definitely) not.
Feel free to still send, however. I can finally see what's wrong with your hair ;)

Me
did u just
did u just make fun of me
chemisensei u did NOT
oh no
it's on
Sending Image File...
look
thats my angry face
thats my very angry, sullen face
(but if u look deep into my eyes u can see smiles there)
(cos that was actually pretty good ngl)

Chemisensei
Your... your hair is grey!

Me
yes yes
laugh it up y dont u
17 y/o with a grey streak
very funny yes

Chemisensei
It's natural?!

Me
no no ofc not
i just thought i'd dye a streak of my hair grey
like the clouds or some shit
u no become 1 with nature
OF COURSE IT'S FUCKING NATURAL

Chemisensei
All right, all right
Why don't you just dye it?

Me
'cos it'd look patchy
like id have to dye all of my hair
and i cba to do that
i like living o'natural
well whatever
i'm actually going to go to sleep
goodnight

Chemisensei
Goodnight.

...

Chemisensei
Jason?

Me
what

Chemisensei
It's Tim. Goodnight. 

Chapter Text

Me
Timothy Jackson Drake
Black hair w/ blue eyes
Gotham High
Also 6th year

Shitface
Todd fuck off.

Me
no
no way
you're the reason this is all happening
so i'm telling you about this guy whether you like it or not
stop banging on my wall

Shitface
It's not YOUR wall. Our rooms are right next door to each other. I'm banging on MY wall.

Me
fuck off smart arse
lives near Bart
doesn't bart live in central????

Shitface
Not any more. Wally and he moved closer for 'work'. I don't think I have to spell out to you what kind of work I'm talking about.

Me
interests are hey turn that down i don't want to listen to linkin park

Shitface
It's Nickelback

Me
that's evEN WORSE TURN IT OFF
nyway
timmy's interests

Shitface
Photography, books relating to criminal psychology, running, with small endeavours in the acrobatic fields.

Me
what the fuck

Shitface
Also allergic to peanuts.

Me
JUST HOLD UP ONE MINUTE

Shitface
In his third year at GH he got his first ever detention for telling a teacher that was verbally insulting another student to 'fuck right off back to the shit hole they crawled from'.
Has won various student awards and has impeccable attendance.
Avid fan of his schools basketball team, and part of the cross-country pack.
Supports his best friend Connor Kent in his boxing tournaments.

Me
im
what
how do u even
i dont
waIT
YOU FUCKER
YOU KNOW HIM
YOU KNEW WHOSE NUMBER YOU WERE GIVING ME
YOU LITTLE SHIT

Me
DAMIAN GET BACK HERE
I CAN SEE UR ASS RUNNING ACROSS THE GARDEN
UR NOT SPSED 2 BE OUT THIS LATE
ITS BREAKING CURFEW
ILL TELL DAD
ANSWER ME DAMN IT
I'M COMING AFTER YOU
I SWEAR YOU WONT KNOW WHATS HIT YOU
FUCK

Me
yes yes laugh it up

Roy
i'm sorry
ahahahahaha
i'm sorry but what the fuck
how did you even do that
why would you even do that
hahahaha

Me
i fuckin h8 u
ur sposed to be my man
i needed u 4 backup
nd u didnt show
nd loOK WHAT HAPPENED
I AM IN A&E
A & E
IM BLEEDING
BLOOD
BRUCE IS ANGRY
SO FUCKING ANGRY CHRIST I HATE U

Roy
okay first of all, how was i supposed to know it was back up you were after?
all you put was "dude come on its T2MTFR"
i don't even know what that last word was
also where did you even get those fireworks from
please don't say you made them

Me
i didnt make them!
rose did

Roy
oh dear lord

Me
nd they were pretty fuckin' great

Roy
i'm friends with criminals
also what does it MEAN

Me
?????what does what mean????

Roy
T2MTFR

Me
time 2 kill this fuckin rat
i thought i told u that

Roy
no no you have never told me that
so what did he do that caused you to attempt to kill him and get hospitalised in the process

Me
not hospitalised
heading home now
i get the next couple of days off school
'recuperation' bruce's mouth says
'ur dead meat' bruce's eyes say
can u believe all dami has is a couple of scrages and some light burns
th fuck
hes like a ninja or something
nyway
i think texting is annoying bruce im sposed to be in 'just reprimanded' mood so g2g ttyl

Tim
So, it's mid-day and I haven't heard from you yet. But I did hear an interesting story from Bart.
Are you, uh, alive?

Me
were u worried about me
thats so sweet
i knew we would get married

Tim
Oh, great, you're fine, see you later then Jay.

Me
wait what
don't go
i was kidding
i'm not fine
very injured
knocked out
blood
stitches
everything
emergency surgery

Tim
Emergency Surgery?!

Me
mayb not emergency surgery
or stitches
they used glue
woulda preferred stitches
u have a peanut allergy
woulda had a nice scar with stitches
mayb ill just get a tattoo of one of them
how does bart even find out these things it happened last night

Tim
One of those text messages? Not at all like the rest. How do you know that?

Me
would u believe me if i told u i fed u 1 in a dream last nite nd u died

Tim
No.

Me
aight
dami told me

Tim
Okay.
How does Damian know?

Me
thats what i'd like to fuckin know
he knocked me out before i could ask tho

Tim
Wait what.
I thought you were joking about being knocked out?

Me
oh no that happened
im curious
what did u hear
like what exactly did bart tell you

Tim
I'll just forward you it, probably easier.
FW: TIM TIM THAT JASON GUY YOU'RE MESSAGING JUST SET OFF THE MOST FANTASTIC DISPLAY OF FIREWORKS NEAR THE PARK
FW: SERIOUSLY TIM YOU NEED TO SEE THIS ITS FANTASTIC THEY'RE SO COLOURFUL EVERYTHING'S BLUE
FW: OH WAIT NO
FW: THEY'RE NOT BLUE OH GOD THAT'S AN AMBULANCE
I was asleep, it was such a pleasant way to wake up.

Me
im detecting a lil sarcasm there mate

Tim
Peanut Allergy. How.

Me
ur not gonna let that go r u

Tim
No.

Me
dami told me, i was telling him about u as punishment for giving me ur number, and he's all like:
"photography" "running" "impeccable attendance" "cute"

Tim
Your brother called me cute.

Me
ok mayb he didnt call u that but it was implied

Tim
Somehow I doubt that

Me
nYWAy i was like "how u no that i could only get his school off his fb profile"

Tim
You facebooked me?

Me
nd that was when he jumpd out the window w/ me in pursuit
ofc i facebooked you
i needed to know
like desperately

Tim
I see. And now that you do know?

Me
now that i do know what

Tim
That I'm 'cute'. Do I pass the test? Is it acceptable to continue to converse with me, Mr Todd?

Me
wait what
i wouldnt have stopped talking 2 u if u weren't cute you know
like srsly
ur cuteness is just an added bonus
dont u ever think otherwise Timmy
i would marry u even if u had an ass for a face
do you hear that, Tim?
An ass for a face.

Tim
As charming as that potentially grammatically correct declaration was, we are still not getting married.

Me
:(

Chapter Text

Me
it's day 5 of recuperation. I am still confined to my bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen (between the hours of 9 and 6, bathroom is 24/7). However I have been successful in procuring late night snacks at exactly 11:56PM every night, at the time when Bruce is brushing his teeth. The sound of the water gushing through the thick, lead piping drowns out the whisper of my ghostly foot steps above the planks of wood that line the hallway.

Roy
bitch your landing is carpet

Me
u ruined the atmosphere u fucker
i was even shiverin when i typed it
fuck u man, that was novel worthy shit
god
go away
i get my phone back after a week of radio silence n this is how u treat me
does our friendship mean nothing to you??????????????????

Roy
I see you literally every morning and evening when I walk past your house
You press your face against the glass and squish your nose
It's why you've got that ridiculous crease permanently across it
also nice bandage

Me
f u c k o f f

Me
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I got all your messages
Let me begin with an apology
I am so, so sorry I vanished on you. Bruce took my phone after the incident, and he's just given it back. If I could have contacted you any other way, I would have, but I was also banned from the internet, so once again, I'm sorry. I wasn't ignoring you, or mad at you, so please don't call the wedding off.

Tim
That apology was going so well.
But thank you for the apologising, (though I wasn't mad, just rather confused.)
Seriously though, are you okay?

Me
yeah, i'm all good. toughed the punishment out.
I'll be honest, though, I was concerned for a moment that he'd send me back.

Tim
Send you back?

Me
to the dumping ground.

Tim
Oh. Can he do that?

Me
god ye
all he has to do is drop me off and say cya
but he wouldn't
i know that now
we had a good heart to heart a couple days ago
i felt like this was the bust up I needed
which sounds awful
but we've been dancing on the edges ever since i moved in tbf
even tho he's my favourite person ever
sometimes i even slip up and call him dad n he never mentions it, just goes w/ it
but i'm so lucky to have found him
and dick and dami, if i'm honest
there are worst families out there
sorry man that's a load off my chest

Tim
No worries, seriously. It's good to unload. Thank you for thinking highly enough of me to share that.
I mean, I know I'm technically a stranger, but it takes guts still, so. Thank you. And I'm glad you and Bruce (that's his name, right?) managed to grow from this.
You deserve happiness, Jay. Don't let anyone tell, or treat you differently.

Princess
i fucking love you man
seriously
that's great
but i'm so fucking sorry you ended up in hospital
seriously
not the intention
i should have done more tests
so stupid of me to give them to you
are you mad?

Me
naw i'm good, love you too kiddo
but please more texts next time
but it was also my fault for using them

Princess
are you okay, though? No scars?

Me
i'm a-okay princess, i'll even be in school next week.
did u make some notes for me?

Princess
yeah, i typed them up too so i'll email them over

Me
perf, thanks a bunch
ps bruce wants a stern word with you
don't mention hallowe'en.

Tim
Hey, Jason...
What would you say to meeting up at some point?

Chapter Text

Me
i would say who r u n what have u done w/ my future husband
so who r u & what have u done to him????????
i will fight you
don't think i won't
i will fuck u up if you've hurt timmy

Tim
Well, thanks for asserting that you would in fact come to my rescue, but it is actually me.

Me
prOVE IT
tweet me
tell u love me

Tim
No.

Me
ok yeah it's u
so u were serious, huh?
about wanting to actually meet up?

Tim
Oddly enough, yes.

Me
why

Tim
What do you mean, why? 

Me
well, like, what's brought this on all of a sudden?

Tim
You could say I'm curious.

Me
curious or bi-curious?
is this ur way of coming out to me?
that's a shitty way
4/10
mostly of that's for effort
work on ur delivery

Tim
Oh fuck off, if you don't want to then fine.

Me
no, wait!!!!!
I'm sorry
forgive me for being a (great) ass
i do want to meet you
well i want to marry u but we'll save that for another day
so yes i wanna meet

Tim
Okay.
That's a relief.

Me
can we do it soon?

Tim
No, we have to wait until the 7th full moon in a leap year.

Me
oh fuck you

Tim
;)

Me
DID U JUST GIVE ME A WINKY FACE?
YOU DID
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED

Tim
If you say we're getting married one more time I will cancel on you (so not great) ass.

Me
baby no come back

Tim
I'm free Saturday... is that any good for you?

Me
Saturday is great
it's a date.

Tim
It is /not/ a date.
See you Saturday.

Me
guess who has a date

Princess
I heard it specifically wasn't a date

Me
how tf 
daMIAN
THAT LITTLE SHIT
HE'S BEEN SNOOPING
I'll kill him

Princess
yeah 'cos that worked out so well for you last time, didn't it?

Me
-.-

Me
ay roy

Roy
What do you want?

Me
I got a date ∩(︶▽︶)∩

Roy
I was told it wasn't a date

Me
(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ 
HOW DOES HE MANAGE 2 TELL PEOPLE BEFORE ME?!

Roy
probably because you keep leaving your phone lying around
Seriously, put a password on it

Me
IT DOES HAVE A PASSWORD

Roy
Then you're screwed mate that boy is a genius

Me
that boy is a rat
i will squish him

Roy
Do that and you'll be grounded again

Me
worth it

Roy
If you're grounded you can't go on your 'date'.

Me
y r u always the voice of reason

Roy
Someone in this clusterfuck trio has to be

Shitface
Where is my laptop?

Me
what laptop? ★~(◡ω◡✿)

Shitface
Don't play games with me, Todd.
I know where you sleep.

Me
★~(◡ω⊙✿)

Shitface
I will tell father.

Me
★~(⊙ω⊙✿)

Shitface
Where are you? Your bed is empty.

Me
(☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞

Shitface
TODD.

Me
shoulda thought b4 u hacked into my phone kiddo
good luck finding ur laptop
it's somewhere in the house
( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°)

Shitface
You will regret this.

Chapter Text

Me
u still wanna do this Thing™

Tim
By 'Thing™' I assume you mean meet up?

Me
ya
so
do ya?????
cos i get it if u dont
its ok
no harm no foul

Me
BOI
i canny do this
body: sweating
mind: over thinking
feet: cold
i am forcibly removed from Gotham

Roy
shut up Jay it'll be fine

Me
nah
im gonna die
of embarassment
or murder
or heart failure
oh god
tell bruce i love him
tell dick i love and accept his dick loving ways
this is the end
tell dami i still hate him

Roy
tell them yourself you big baby
nothing bad will happen, I swear on rose's life

Me
bold. risky. innovative. i don't like it. 

Me
hey what was ur first date w Wally like??????
??????
o ur at work
ok just msg me back when u finish
its an emergency
hey is this the kind of emergency that means i can come to the station
no probably not
???????
i'm tempted tho

Brother Bear
Please don't come to the station unless it's a genuine emergency
also it was really super sweet! we went to a movie and then a fair ground. 
he won me a teddy bear.
wait
we're not dating
we're just friends

Me
y'all shut the fuck up
do u think i was born yesterday
do u think any of us were
we know u
we know u!!!!!!!

Brother Bear
...fine.
I just don't want to make a big deal out of it. Didn't want to.
Anyway it wasn't that long ago, before that it was just you know

Me
ok groSS
but i'm glad it's worked out for u bro
...
do u love him?

Brother Bear
Yeah. i do.

Me
then u should really tell Bruce
like we know
but i think he'd like 2 hear it out loud from u

Brother Bear
you're probably right
why are you asking?
is this about your not date?

Me
ADJHE
nO
hoW
i ...h8 this family

Brother Bear
U love this family don't lie

Me
aight u got me there, i love moST of u
did the one i don't love tell u????

Brother Bear
Actually no
Bruce texted me last night

Me
u wot

Brother Bear
yeah he overheard u or something

Me
oh so y'all can talk about MY personal life but not ur own hmmMMMMm

Brother Bear
i also heard from Wally that bart's friend was meeting up w someone who sounded suspiciously like u
the wests r nothing but gossips

Tim
Of course I do. It was my idea, remember?

Me
and to Damian, the lil rat that lives in the wall next to me and blares loud, trashy music like nickelback and coldplay all night long, i bequeath absolutely nothing

Shithead
You can't stop me from taking your shit when you're dead, Todd.
That PS4 is mine and I will pry it from your cold, dead hands if I have to
I will dance on your grave with the controllers while Bruce weeps in the background
I'll mould your ashes into a stand for it

Me
good lord 

Tim
Do you?

Me
absolutely

Tim
Good

Me
yeah

Princess
ur not here for a pep talk are you?

Me
ofc not
just advise me
shirt or tshirt?????
cos i look... banging in a collared shirt
would that be too much?????

Princess
depends
u wanna impress him?

Me
yeS

Princess
go for the shirt. unbutton the top two buttons and you will look bangin

Me
ily

Tim
It's 6.40. I'm giving you another ten minutes.

Me
turn around