Archive of Our Own ^beta

tyler skips along to the beat in his headphones as he walks home. his heartbeat joins the rhythm of the music, establishing his joyful mood. he admires the clouds above him. though being scarce for a gloomy day they paint the beautiful blue sky with a pale shade of gray.

rain has always been one of his favorite things. he adores watching the droplets of water fall from the sky. he adores how they refresh everything, from plants to people.

continuing his walk, he arrives to his destination: his brand new apartment with his boyfriend. tyler smiles to himself and holds the bagels in a brown bag close to his chest. a fresh start. maybe if he's lucky enough they'll be blessed with rain for this new chapter in their lives.

he walks up the 3 flights of stairs and opens the door with his key. inside, he sees his beloved partner unboxing the last glasses and place them in the cabinets with such care. it only puts a brand new smile on his face. he closes the door behind him, oddly taking a deep breath as he does so and putting the brown bag on the counter. "i'm back!" he announces to his boyfriend. he takes off his headphones and also places them on the counter.

"thank the lord! i was thinking you'd bailed out on getting us food," josh chuckles and places a kiss on tyler's cheek. he proceeds to open the brown bag and take a poppy seed bagel out. there's no hesitation while he begins to eat it, tyler joining him shortly after. a thunder is heard in the distance, scaring tyler but not josh.

both look at each other when the lightning strikes and illuminates the apartment with a white light. josh has a sparkle in his eyes during the strike. tyler can't tell why. he shakes to get rid of the chills. he only hates the rain when lightning and thunder are involved. he wishes his boyfriend reacted the same way. "there was a stupid long line at the shop," he says between bites once he's calmed down, "i also got a bit distracted. the clouds looked so pretty."

"you just like it when they're gray," his boyfriend nods, looking briefly out the windows, "we can have a movie marathon to distract ourselves from the thunder." tyler can't tell if he's saying it out of pity, but he indulges in it.

"yes! i love that idea. we can cuddle if it gets too scary."

josh quickly finishes his bagel, and goes to set up the tv for said marathon. meanwhile, tyler notices that he left his phone next to the box of glasses. he cannot help but take a peak at the notifications popping up on the screen. he sees a name he doesn't recognize. he wonders if it's one of josh's family members or colleagues.

as much as he'd like to snoop around, he chooses not to. he cannot mess up his relationship by being paranoid. "not this time," he mutters under his breath. finishing his own bagel, he joins his boyfriend in getting things ready for their impromptu date. he occupies himself with the blankets and pillows, which are still mostly in their boxes.

more thunder goes their way, only getting tyler to feel his heart race every time. he doesn't understand why josh is not even bothered by the loud noise. the couple sits on their brand new love seat to watch some movies and eat the rest of the bagels. it's hard to concentrate on the movie when you get scared by mother nature every five minutes. the sound of the rain doesn't help at all.

halfway through eternal sunshine, josh's phone rings. he placed it on the small coffee table in front of them before the movie began. tyler doesn't have long to see the number, though he recognizes a few numbers as the same that texted his boyfriend earlier. he gulps as josh takes his phone and gets up, "sorry, ty. gotta take this."

before tyler can say something or even pause the movie, he's off to answer the phone call in the hallway. "alright..." tyler says to no one but himself. he continues watching the movie, scared out of his mind when all of the thunder in the world seems to appear at once. he closes his eyes and wishes it away. if he tries hard enough it might work.

not much time passes before josh comes back. he opens the front door wide open and stays there for a moment to fiddle with his phone. a lightning strike hits the earth at the right time for it shine through the sheer curtains on the windows. somehow the apartment remains dark, except for josh at the front door. he's not illuminated like before. it's not an ethereal light, not even close. he has lost his sparkle in tyler's eye. the light only add to the eerie feelings pooling down in his stomach. something about this makes his tongue feel dry.

"it's storming way harder than i thought. the signal was all botched up." josh closes the door and locks it, then he walks back to the living room. he notices tyler holding onto the tv remote for dear life. "hey, it's okay. it's just thunder."

"r-right," tyler swallows, he puts a fake smile on to please him, "just thunder." it's not just thunder for him.

josh resumes watching the movie even though he missed a few scenes. they've seen the movie lots of times so he doesn't mind. he doesn't know how scared tyler still is; or if he does know, he chooses to ignore it. that's what tyler's mind keeps repeating. he wants to ask about the number. usually all of the numbers are saved to contacts on their phones.

maybe it's a new number of someone or a colleague who doesn't deserve to be saved as a contact. "calm down," tyler whispers to himself.

"did you say something?"

he shakes his head. "oh, no. you must be hearing things."

"maybe." tyler nods, mostly to reassure himself. he wants the storm to end. he hates the metallic taste lingering on his lips, the salty feeling of his tongue, the nonexistent glitter in his eyes as he tries to figure his boyfriend out.

if only he could pause time to look at him from up close. he wants to explore every little detail, every single crevice. he wants to appreciate and learn all of it. it never seems to be enough. if he blinks at the wrong time he might miss it. just thinking about it makes tyler wonder even more in the maze of his mind. there is so much more he wishes he knew about the man sitting next to him. he's a walking mystery.  lots of things could be happening in josh's brain...

did he make a mistake? no. he couldn't have. he trusts josh wholeheartedly. he should.

when he stops fantasizing about his perfect world, the movie credits are onscreen. he could've sworn he zoned out for only a couple of minutes. "next up, the last 5 years!" josh proudly announces. the smile on his face doesn't seem right. it's turning into a weird grin by the second. tyler shakes it off.

he needs to pull the plug for this one night. how hard can it be?

for the next few weeks, tyler lives on the edge. of what? he can't put his finger on it. he spends his days lounging around his apartment, waiting for something. he's walking in the dark and he just to happens to have a broken flashlight and no shoes on.

josh, on the other hand, he seems fine. tyler hates that. he seems too fine. and not in the attractive way. has he always acted so...normal?

it's almost like plastic.

"hey, i'm going to get back late tonight," josh pours himself a cup of coffee before serving some breakfast for himself as well. he can tell that tyler already ate by the dirty dishes in the sink. "things are getting hectic and i need to be there to help."

"alright." tyler cannot come up with better words. he opens his mouth but no words come out. he hopes josh doesn't think he's heartless. josh could already think that.

neither of them says anything else until josh is one foot away from the door, all ready to leave for the day. "i'm leaving, ty! love you." those words sound way louder than they should. love you. a deafening statement. tyler feels dry.

"good luck, love you too." josh doesn't deserve those words. it's too late to take them back. he's gone. out in the world. taking something deep in tyler's chest along with him.

tyler groans and gets up from the love seat. he spends his days there. he hasn't had any commissions to complete in a while. their needs are covered in terms of money. he could reopen his commissions when he needs more. he curses under his breath despite no one being around to hear him. the apartment feels full. it's not cluttered by any means yet it feels so...loaded.

in his mind, tyler can hear a faint piano every time he takes a step. it's not a happy melody. ever since the first day in the apartment he hasn't felt right. everything is too much or too little or too wrong. the recurrent thunderstorms didn't help. it's not rain season, but every other day it taunts him. he distracts himself by watching the pile of dvds him and josh share. he practically knows the entire dialogue from eternal sunshine by now.

it speaks to him.

he wishes josh could say the same.

although he adores him, he can't tell him about all of this. all of the mess going on inside his head could drown him. tyler remembers their first time sleeping together, josh said he could tell him anything. i want to know what's going on in your head, he said. funny. just like how he found it funny that tyler dreaded cleaning the shower because of the smell of their cleaner. such a dumb and mundane thing.

tyler begins to write their grocery list. he needs to take a trip there soon. he numbers the items as he writes them down. he stops midway and stares at the piece of paper for a while. he laughs. numbers. the letters of math, as john mulaney would say. he remembers the number that called days ago. was it really just a random person?

he shrugs. he doesn't care anymore. the rain washed his worry away. 

"i've been thinking," josh says one random saturday morning, "we could go out tonight. go to a club. dance a bit. drink until we puke our guts out."

the proposition sounds fun. tyler could use a night away from his piano tile floored apartment. it seems to get louder every day. "sure. sounds good to me." he smiles to prove his point. he gets a smile back from his boyfriend. god, does he love him. he can't picture being without him. it's an addiction. everything makes sense when josh is by his side.

both men get ready later in the day, thrilled to spend a night out on the town. josh calls an uber for them and they head out.

to their disbelief, the club of their choosing is quite full. so much for drinking without getting squished between people. neither wants to go somewhere else. they suck it up and head inside. the strobing lights and music (loud enough for dogs to hear) are signs of a good time in their eyes.

josh grabs tyler's arm to get his attention. he has to yell in his ear for him to hear. "i'll go get us some drinks, be right back!" tyler nods and off his boyfriend goes.

he stands awkwardly in a corner. he sees women dancing in groups, guys eyeing them like wild animals hunting for prey. it's utterly disgusting. looking at them makes tyler already feel like throwing up. he redirects his eyesight towards the bar area, immediately spotting josh waiting for their order. from what he can see, josh is talking to somebody. a woman. she seems drunk already.

something about their interaction doesn't sit right with tyler. he remains in his spot. he doesn't move a muscle. "keep yourself together," he mumbles to himself. he thanks the loud music for letting him think aloud. he trusts josh. he has to. the urge to vomit becomes stronger when the woman starts to touch josh; first his arm, then his hand, then his face. she seems to be looking at his eyes.

tyler despises her. how is she so lucky to be so close to see a shade of brown so beautiful that when light hits it right it becomes a pool of honey? he can't even do it with the pure light of the moon. he swallows hard. he shouldn't hate her. he doesn't. that woman has done nothing wrong. his mouth tastes like pennies.

his eyes stop focusing and suddenly josh is back with a beer and a rum and coke. "sorry for taking so long. i ran into my cousin. i hadn't seen her in ages." of course. josh is sincere. he always is. "we caught up with each other. she didn't know i got another nose ring and finished  my sleeve. you should've seen her face." he motions towards his tattoo sleeve on his right arm. a true work of art.

"that's cool."

tyler drinks...he's lost count of how many things. he swears the entire club is staring at him. he knows he's a bad boyfriend, he knows it. josh tries and fails at maintaining a conversation. the pain is clear in his eyes. his voice is usually so melodic, but it sounds like broken strings in a guitar.

his guts feel sour. it doesn't even seem possible. with a deep breath, he puts on his best boyfriend face. "do you want to dance? i'm bored just standing here." his comment makes josh's interest come back. it hurts that he has to fake it to make it. is it obvious that he's putting on a show? that's the reason why all eyes are on him. the two walk closer to the center of the room, where all of the people are dancing to some remix of ariana grande's newest song.

no one cares about the songs. they only let the music flow through them and take over. tyler has never wished to be more drunken out of his mind than now. at least that way he could be enjoying himself. a thousand pairs of eyes stare at him. he feels them burning all over. his mind is rushing with so many thoughts at once.

the strobing lights make everything blue and white, camouflaging josh's blue dyed hair perfectly. he is utterly stunning. he's more perfect than perfect. that thought sticks around for a bit. tyler hadn't dwelled on it much before. he's with the most perfect man. how can he be enough? he can't repay him for everything he does. he has never measured up. a quick scan around the club and everyone could be a much better match for josh.

how could he have been such a fool?

is josh unhappy? is he staying with tyler only to keep him sane? was he...ever in love with tyler?

everything is too much. tyler steps out of the dance floor to the restrooms. he wants to puke his guts out. barely an ounce of alcohol in his system yet here he is, throwing up the pizza he had for lunch into a toilet that's questionably clean. his lips taste like gasoline. he isn't cut out for this. he ruined it all. josh can't be trusted.

a knock on the stall door startles him. he turns around and sees josh with a concerned look on his face. "ty, are you okay? oh my... oh dear... look at you," he offers his hand and tyler takes it, "why didn't you tell me you don't feel well?"

because i've been feeling unwell for a while, tyler says to himself in his mind. he cannot say it out loud. he shrugs. he ruined it all. the only night out, the only time he could've proved he can keep up, and here he is... what a pathetic little thing. gasoline and metal. he cringes on the inside when josh presses a kiss to his forehead. he knows that josh only didn't kiss his lips thanks to the vomit.

he would've hated it even if he didn't. no one likes the taste of pennies drenched in fuel.

"let's go home and watch eternal sunshine, okay?" josh kisses his forehead again. his touch is so soft.

"but you didn't get to puke your guts out.."

"i think i'll survive," he chuckles, "c'mon. joel and clementine won't fall in love for themselves."

for a moment, tyler feels normal again. he nods. home sounds way better than a trashy club with terrible music. falling asleep in josh's arms sounds even better. he just hopes no more pizza comes back up his esophagus ever again.

time is a joke to tyler. he doesn't know what day of the week it is. everything is way too much. it's been so long since he's been away from the love seat to do anything but eat leftovers and use the bathroom. josh carries him to their bed at night, but he crawls back out to the living room once he is asleep. sleeping in the same bed as josh feels wrong. he doesn't deserve it.

bit by bit, his confidence is shaken up.

josh talks to so many people on the phone. are they all possible lovers? even if they're not, they're definitely better than tyler.

speaking of josh, he doesn't know why his partner is going through such a dark period. he offers therapists and medications; tyler turns them all down. it makes josh feel more useless. how dare he not be able to help? that pains tyler too. he only causes pain to others. he's counting the days to get a breakup text in the middle of the day, or even miraculously go out for groceries and catch josh sleeping with someone else.

he cannot believe that possibility is appealing to him. he sounds crazy.

josh wouldn't do that to him. although he wouldn't be surprised if he did either. the whole world is a better match for him. it's a simple fact.

at around noon, while josh is away at work, tyler gets up from the love seat and ventures into the bathroom. he looks for something to help with his headache. he really hopes his advil bottle isn't empty yet. that'd only be the cherry on top of his garbage sundae. he doesn't even like sundaes. thankfully he still has medicine left. he downs the pills dry, too lazy to get a glass of water, and returns to his seat.

eternal sunshine is playing on the tv. his mind wanders off while he watches the movie for the second time today. he wants to sleep so bad. his eyelids feel heavy. he hugs his blanket close. luck doesn't seem to be on his side since it begins to storm. rain follows him. it has to be following him. thunder and lightning torment him from the beginning. he flinches and cries. his headache gets stronger thanks to the loud noise. he hates it. he doesn't even understand why the thunder gets so aggressive.

for the first time in a while he leaves the comfort of his love seat and runs to the bedroom. he notices a hoodie on his side of the bed. josh's favorite hoodie. he doesn't think twice and puts it on, breathing in the scent of pine and warm sugar. he gets in the bed and hides under the covers like a small child would do.

"please leave," he whispers to the thunder.

he doesn't know when he fell asleep. he feels a light touch on his shoulder. "ty? wake up. i made dinner," josh's sweet voice is music to his ears. it's heaven compared to the horrific sounds of the rain. slowly, he sits up and rubs the sleep off his eyes. he stretches a bit.

"what did you make?" tyler asks his boyfriend. he hopes josh lets him keep the hoodie.

"pad thai. i made it with just the way you like it. you need to eat something today." right. tyler had passed on the french toast and oatmeal breakfast earlier. he's only eaten an apple. no wonder he feels so weak and like he needs to throw up.

he's grown used to doing it on a daily basis.

he nods and walks with josh to the small dining table. "there was a thunderstorm today," he randomly comments, the smell of the food filling his senses. it's been so long since he's eaten a good meal. he hadn't noticed until now.

"it wasn't raining at work. i think it was just on this part of town."

"maybe rain just follows me."

josh gets out a weak laugh, "maybe." his phone lights up with various notifications displayed on the screen. he looks at them with a nondescript expression. what's in those notifications? he gets up from the table and excuses himself. he's laughing at something as he walks away to the hallway.

that person must be way funnier than tyler. they probably are way better looking than him too. they don't cry like a little boy when a bit of rain comes their way. he hates it. he hates it all. the pad thai tastes like pennies and rainwater and fuel and poison and everything. everything is funny. he misses his piano floor. at least he could play a little sad ballad on it.

he's about to get up and not eat when josh comes back. he puts his phone face down on the table. "sorry, my boss needed me. she's going on her honeymoon and i'll be in charge while she's away."

usually, tyler would say something. he doesn't. he only smiles, if you can even call it that. for the rest of the dinner he eats the pad thai. he can barely swallow anything. it's too much. he doesn't think he's thinking about the food anymore.

he wishes he knew how he feel asleep during the thunderstorm. his money is on josh's hoodie.

he should be a better boyfriend. he feels like throwing up flowers.

"what are you saying?! tyler, you need to calm down." josh has tears in his eyes. he's trying not to cry. out of all the times he could be the crying one in the relationship...

"are you kidding me? you don't love me! you're lightning! you taste like chemicals!" tyler's not stopping himself and he indulges in his tears. he's broken. he cannot contain himself anymore. the pain has been going on for far too long. the pain on the walls has started to chip.

both stay quiet for a moment. tyler gets chocked up on his tears. he calls himself a fool in his head. he can't believe he thought it would turn out alright. the room is spinning. "wha... tyler... you're just saying things. you need food, you need sleep. you haven't had a coherent conversation with me in months! what is going on with you?" josh's voice sounds truly heartbroken.

this only makes tyler sob harder. he drops to his knees. his heart hurts. his brain hurts. only bad thoughts come through. josh is only putting a facade. he can't care about him. he doesn't love him. his brain is right. he saw all the signs. the butterflies turned into rocks and the air into deep water. none of his thoughts connect with one another. he's digging his grave, and he questions if josh is willing to follow him.

he wants to be able to breathe again.

soft raindrops start to fall. they tap delicately against their windows. the fluffy white clouds turn a dirty shade of gray. "please ty... tell me how i can help you! i want to help." josh's tears wet his cheeks. he's desperate for an answer.

the sky keeps turning darker and darker. it doesn't seem that the sun will shine anytime soon. slowly josh sinks to his knees as well. he doesn't stop himself from embracing his tears. it's a battle not worth fighting. he takes a deep breath. he needs to sort himself out. he needs to be composed.

tyler sobs into the sleeves of his hoodie. he can't figure out what's wrong; he's been trying for so long and he's got no answer. all he wants is to be okay. he wants to be loved, but no one can love him. how can they? all of the people who've tried end up burning themselves out. it always ends up with him doing this, crying on his bedroom floor with his brain full of nothing. when did he go wrong? was it when they moved in together? he doesn't want to think about it.

everything he touches breaks.

the quiet continues, although the rain outside makes for the background noise. it's a peaceful atmosphere. it's the most tranquil time the two have had in the longest time. it's kind of somber. josh wonders what tyler meant when he said he tastes like chemicals. he's never mentioned anything of the sort before. what is going on in his partner's head?

"i... i think things aren't going well," tyler finally says in between short sobs. he doesn't have the guts to look josh in the eye. his tears are a combination of rainwater and flowers. "i don't think we are forever.."

"what do you mean?"

"we should... break it off, before it goes down. you don't need me anymore."

josh doesn't say anything. tyler wonders if it's because he agrees or if he's shocked. he can't choose which one is better. he wants josh to speak, fight for him. do something. he wants the lightning to show up and spark some sparkle into him again. josh looked so alive then.

as he wished, a thunder strikes. the sound startles them both. it's the first time tyler has seen josh jump at the sound of it. he wonders... lightning comes in through the bedroom window. it shines on the two. josh notices a little glitter in tyler's eyes. it's heavenly. he looks so innocent, so fragile. maybe...

"do you wanna watch eternal sunshine?" josh asks as he dries his tears with his fingers. he wants to leave the drops of water to the rain.

tyler simply nods. he hasn't seen the movie in weeks. they get up from the floor and go to the living room. they don't say anything until the movie starts. they do their usual commentary about it, picking out the quotes and moments as usual. the rain goes on. it doesn't stop. maybe they don't want it to stop.

for the first time in forever, tyler doesn't taste pennies in his mouth. and forever is a long time. he is okay.

he's okay, and that's all that matters for now.