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Jonny was small, he knew he was small.
New Texas already didn’t have a tall planetary average and he also hadn’t had any luck with genetics, which meant that the other Mechanisms towered over him, no matter age or gender. He was the tiniest of them all and he, surprisingly enough, loved that fact.
He loved how Brian would come up from behind and grab the thing he was reaching for and hand it to him with a pat on the head, no matter how much he grumbled about it.
He loved how Ashes would use his head as a rest and lean on him always giving him a smirk, despite him complaining about it messing up his hair.
He loved how when he visited Raphaellas lab, his feet would dangle when he sat on her chair, even if he told her she was too tall to be normal and she laughed at him.
He loved how Marius randomly hugged him, enveloping him entirely, making him disappear completely if he was wearing his coat, regardless of the fact that he would tell Marius he was suffocating as he pretended to struggle slightly.
He loved how he could curl up in Ivys lap and she’d just put her chin on top of his head and continue reading, sometimes even out loud if it was something Jonny would be interested in, despite him insisting he wasn’t a little kid, although he expected she’d already seen through him and knew how much he liked her soothing voice.
He loved how The Toy Soldier always called him Little Chap and ruffled his hair, no matter how much he pouted when it did.
He loved how Tim would run up to him and just pick him up in a bridal carry and take him with him to whatever destination and no matter how much Jonny complained about it, he never fought and he always smiled slightly.
He loved how Nastya, who he saw as his little sister, let him snuggle up with her in her pillow nest in the engine room. She would curl around him as the big spoon and hold him tight to her chest, making Jonny glow with contentment, in spite of the wiggling.
Not that he’d ever admit it, but all these thing made him feel small and that smallness made him feel cherished, made him feel like he was special and that the others cared for him.
Which is why it came as a hug shock when it all suddenly stopped.
First he noticed that the chair had been lowered when he visited Raphaella in her lab, but she could’ve done that because she needed to be lower to observe something. And Brian, who didn’t help him get his mug, instead just looking at him until he climbed onto the counter to get, could be because his switch was flipped.
But then Ashes stopped leaning on him and Marius didn’t hug him anymore, Tim asked him to come with him instead of just grabbing him, The Toy Soldier called him Old Sport like it did with Brian and Marius and when he went to Nastya during the night, she turned away from him leaving him hugless or the big spoon.
Confused and hurt he needed to know if it was really everyone, so he went to Ivy. She would know what he needed from her and hug him to make him feel better. So he crawled into her lap and waited.
For a second nothing happened, but then her arms snaked around him and he couldn’t suppress a smile. He’d made the right choice. That smile fell the moment she rested her chin on his shoulder instead of on top of his head and then she stayed quiet despite the book being about different guns, which was definitely an interest of Jonny.
He didn’t know what to do with that. Inside him a bubble of unease started to swell as he wondered what he’d done wrong. Did they not love him anymore? Were they mad at him? How could he fix it?
Miserable he burrowed closer in Ivys lap, but didn’t say a thing as he tried not to let the overwhelming feeling make him cry, which was pretty hard.
When he’d calmed down a bit, enough to realize that this was just making him sadder and he needed to cry alone in his bed, he untangled himself and softly said goodbye, completely missing Ivys gentle smile as he rushed out of the library.
Safely in his room he pulled the blanket over him and curled into a ball, soft sniffles and chocked off sobs coming out of his throat while he convinced himself that everyone hated him and he’d done something irredeemable.
He stayed in his room for a long while, until he could think of the sudden change without feeling the need to immediately cry. Then he took a shower and tried to get rid of all the evidence that he’d been crying.
While he’d been crying his eyes out in his room he’d made a plan and he had to get to work if he wanted it to succeed. The plan was quite simple, he would subtly try to get the affection back by hinting at it.
The first person he came across was Marius, who was leaning against the kitchen counter with a drink. He smiled at Jonny and asked: “Hey, how’s it going?”
“Good, just tired.” Jonny didn’t even have to fake the yawn, the crying had tried him out. He stumbled forwards and leaned against Marius’ chest as he mumbled: “Could just fall asleep here.”
His hope had been that Marius would steady him, maybe even with two hands and that might turn into a hug. It didn’t work completely.
Marius put one hand on his shoulder to keep him from sagging, but did nothing more than lead him back to his room with some distance between them while he said: “I think you need to go to bed then, Jonny.”
Jonny was pouting inside and missed the warm, fond tone. He allowed Marius to push him into his room and collapsed on his bed, just lying there until he heard Marius close the door with a small chuckle.
Later he would run into Tim, deliberately planned since he’d just shot himself in the foot, and ask if he would be willing to bring him to the med bay. Tim had wide eyes of concern as he nodded, but he did not carry Jonny instead hoisting one arm over his shoulder and letting Jonny lean on him awkwardly as they made their way through the ship.
He sat on Raphaellas desk instead of the chair waiting to see if she’d make a playful comment about his feet, but instead she told him he had to sit on the chair, because she needed the space.
Brian was wiling to grab something for him, but only after he’d asked and moved out of the way and The Toy Soldier could be persuaded to pet his head after he’d gotten something stuck in his hair and asked it to get it out. Jonny was also still welcome in Nastyas pillow nest and he could just curl up against her back and she wouldn’t protest, which wasn't the same, but better than the cold nothing of his own bed after a nightmare.
Jonny didn’t really have a plan for Ashes and he thought straight up asking Ivy to read to him was a step too far, so he just brought something to fiddle with and tried not to mind the chin on his shoulder too much.
Still, it wasn’t working and he felt his mechanical heart break with every little rejection.
It’d been months now and it was getting increasingly harder not to cry every time he wasn’t hugged, wasn’t carried, wasn’t petted on the head, just every time he wasn’t loved. They otherwise didn't treat him differently and he didn’t know what he’d done wrong or how to fix it and the lack of affection was wearing him down.
The bubble of wrongness was building up in his chest and it was only a matter of time until it burst and every little bit of sadness came popping out.
It happened during crew night, something Brian had implemented after he’d been stuck to his chair for a month and no one had noticed, it was just a check up to see if everyone was still there and to fuck around a bit.
Jonny had been looking forward to crew night, hoping that whatever he’d done would’ve been forgiven and he could wiggle between Brian and Raphaella, the two tallest members, unlike last time when he’d ended up on the floor next to Tim.
Alas it wasn’t meant to be, he was too late and there wasn’t any room left between the two of them. There still was a small spot between Marius and the edge of the couch, though, which was still pretty damn good.
Marius was tall enough and the space was so small that it was only natural if Jonny leaned on him a bit and who knew, maybe Marius would put an arm around Jonny to make some space and he could burrow into Marius’ side.
But when Jonny had wiggled himself into the spot, Marius told him: “We can also grab you a chair, if you’d like.”
And suddenly Jonny just couldn’t take it anymore. He made eye contact with Marius, his bottom lip wobbling before his face crumbled as he started crying. Loud and ugly sobs wracked through his frame, shocking everyone.
For a second the whole crew was frozen then they all rushed to their crying First Mate. Brian knelt in front of him and softly touched Jonnys knee and asked: “Hey, hey, Jonny, it’s okay, everything is alright, just breathe, just breathe, okay. Can you tell us what’s wrong?”
Jonny gasped and took a few shaky breaths, but he fell apart again in a blubbering mess when he wanted to tell them. He sniffled: “I- I just- why- don’t under- understand- what-”
“Hey, just calm down.” Marius soothed, “What don’t you understand?”
“Why you all don’t love me anymore.” Jonny cried, sobbing loudly again and hugging his knees to his chest.
A stunned silence came over the crew of the Aurora then they all fell over themselves to assure him that of course they still loved him. Concerned Tim exclaimed: “Where in the universe did you get that idea?”
Jonny had calmed down a bit with all their reassurances and glanced at them over his knees, his eyes still wet and soft sniffles coming out of his mouth. He swallowed and said: “You all just suddenly stop- stopped and I don’t- I don’t know what I, what I did or how- how to fix it.”
That didn’t clear anything up at all and Raphaella asked: “What did we stop?”
Biting his lips, Jonny considered not telling them, he’d spend so long grumbling at them about it that I’d would seem weird to just completely turn around, but the empty void in his chest won out. So he whispered: “You all stopped treating me like- like I was small and precious.”
“What?” Ashes said.
“Uhm,” Jonny began embarrassed, “you all just had these little things that made me feel small and suddenly you all sto- stopped.”
His voice broke over the last part and the tears started flowing again. He hated that he was crying so much, but it had all just built up and he couldn’t stop it no matter how hard he tried.
On the others the realization dawned of what was up with their crew mate. They hadn’t really noticed how upset he’d gotten over it and the outburst had shocked them a bit, so they were glad they’d gotten something to fix. Marius immediately took him into his arms and The Toy Soldier patted his head.
“We’re so sorry, Jonny.” Brian said, “We thought we were helping you.”
That got Jonnys attention and he made a confused questioning noise. Tim explained: “You’re always grumbling about it, so when we noticed it was all of us not just one person, we thought you didn’t like it, so we decided to stop. We wouldn’t have done it, if we knew.”
“It’s not your- your fault.” Jonny mumbled into Marius’ chest, “Sorry for seeming un- ungrateful.”
The arms around him tightened around him and Marius said: “Don’t be sorry about that, we should’ve asked.”
They stayed like that for a while until the sniffles stopped and the tears ran dry.
With Jonny calmed down Raphaella asked the question that she’d been burning to ask ever since he admitted what was wrong: “Why do you like feeling small so much?”
Jonny flushed an adorable shade of red, he spluttered for a bit, before he softly replied: “It makes me feel special and cared for, ’s nice.”
Under other circumstances Jonny would never had admitted that, but emotional exhaustion had lowered his barriers and a voice inside his mind urged him to tell them anything to get them to do the nice things again.
“Ahw, you’re the cutest.” Tim cooed and also hugged Jonny.
He got redder, but that didn’t stop him from leaning into the touch and allowing a smile to creep up his face.
They stayed on the couch just hugging and reassuring Jonny the entire night. Everyone had been pretty spooked by his reaction, they’d never seen him as anything else than strong and happy, so to see him break down like that had shook them to their core. So they lavished him with attention in the hope of never having to witness that again.
Marius didn’t think he would ever forget Jonnys face crumbling at his suggestion nor the feeling of him sobbing against his side.
Jonny had always been small, with a pudgy face that hadn’t rid itself of all the baby fat yet and a cute smile. The crew of the Aurora had long ago decided that he was their little bastard that needed to be protected. It had been hard to stop and it had been even harder to find out how it had impacted Jonny.
It wasn’t mentioned again, but the other resumed everything even adding a some new stuff. It became more common to see Jonny being carried, for someone to ruffle his hair or to swing him up into a hug out of nowhere startling him or to see him in a lap instead of on a chair.
He’d stopped grumbling about it, allowing a smile on his face instead. It was small smile, but a content and happy smile that made it all worth it.
Yes, Jonny was small, he knew he was small, but with a crew like this how much of a problem is that?