Archive of Our Own ^beta

A Villain's Story (Clarke's POV)

I am a monster. The commander of Death. Destroyer of lives- worlds even.

I am Wanheda.

To everyone else I'm the villain, the one who takes control, when really I'm just trying to survive. In reality its for my people, it always has been.  Have I made tough choices? Yes. Have I committed murder? Genocide? Yes. And I would do it again; but not for myself, for those I love and care for. 

My own people think I'm a monster, that what I do is illicit, and I don't blame them. They're not entirely wrong. They can hate me as much as they want, with all they have, but at the end of the day they're still alive. They are surviving. They are living.

I don't enjoy taking the lives of innocents, even the guilty, but I do what I have to for everyone else. If murder leads to those I love living? Then I'll do it. For them. We've all suffered far too much over a short amount of time. We deserve peace. They deserve to live, not just survive. I make the hard choices so they don't live with the weight- the guilt. I bare it so they will never have to.

They can hate me with all their hearts, but they get to live on. 

Yes I am the bad guy, the villain, but I'm not heartless. I have a soul. It may darken everyday with the terrible acts I've committed- the lives I've taken- but my people will go on with their lives. They will never have to bare the heartache of being guilty. They will never have to break down with the amount of blood on their hands. I will bare it for them.

Killing never gets easier, but I won't hesitate to pull the trigger. I won't hesitate to plunge the blade into my enemy if my loved ones can go home and be at peace.

They deserve better.

Hundreds of thousands have died by my hands alone, and I will never be able to take it back. And I won't want to. 

After everything I have been through in my life, no one should have to endure the same. My father was taken, ripped from my arms when I was only 14. He wanted to save lives, and he was killed for it. His best friend, and my own mother, betrayed him. He floats for all eternity in space because no one would hear him out; no one would give him a chance. He died before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

No one should ever witness such a fate.

Next was my best friend, a boy I grew up with since I could remember. We were always there for one another, laughing and playing games, helping with classes... mundane tasks. It all ended when he let me think he was the one who turned in my father. Wells bore the truth so I wouldn't have to, and now I get to return the favor for everyone else around me. No one deserves this weight of guilt and misery. No one. Wells was killed for what his father had done. Sometimes doing what you think is right, abiding by the rules, gets others killed. Wells is an example of that.

Maybe my people will understand this some day.

Taking on such a responsibility, when thousands look to you, is a large task. Difficult. At times its too much, but we do what we have to. Even killing others we love to get the job done.

After loosing Wells I was angry, in a way I didn't think I could be. I wanted revenge, and everything went down hill after that. A young girl took her own life because she couldn't handle the guilt. The weight of what she had done... And I understand why. Dealing with everything at once, and at such a young age, takes a lot of strength, courage, and will. In the end all we are is human. In the end we have our breaking points.

No one can carry the world on their shoulders and be OK. Its impossible. And yet I trudge on. I'm not alone in this, I never really have been. But I refuse to let my best friend, my soulmate, bare it. I won't. Like everyone else Bellamy has suffered too much; he needs peace. He deserves to be happy.

The truth is everyone does.

I'm not saying I've never made a wrong decision. And I will never say I don't regret what I've done. Every death haunts me to this day and will until my very death. The choices I've made have always been for those I care about, and yet the hard fact is, the same can be said about my enemies. We're all just trying to survive and do what is best for our friends, for our families. Even if it means killing in cold blood. Even if it means killing innocents or someone we love to ensure the safety of others, we'll do it. And I have. 

I killed my first love, the boy who broke my heart -Finn. I killed over 300 innocent people, men, women, and children. I left my people and returned more broken than I left. I helped steal the bunker to save my people, condemning thousands to die in the Death Wave, including Octavia- someone I love and care for as family. I held a gun to Bellamy to try and keep him, and everyone else, safe inside, but couldn't pull the trigger. I helped the enemy that destroyed Earth for a third time. To top it all off I hurt my own daughter to keep her safe... And I left Bellamy to die. But fate brought him home safe. 

I don't except forgiveness, understanding, or even praise for keeping them alive. Its not something I need or want. All that matters is survival- peace.

Everyone makes mistakes, its who we are. We're human. Sometimes the right choice is not the best. Sometimes its wrong, or, there are no right choices. Maybe nothing good comes from either decisions. Instead you weigh your options with what you have. You do what you think is best. And that is something I do everyday. At the start I thought I was doing the right thing, making the right calls... being the good guy. But I was wrong.

Maybe there are no good guys.