Chapter Text
“The good die young,” Nie Zonghui tells him sadly, patting his shoulder as he sniffles into his cousin. Da-ge is off somewhere else, and Huaisang isn’t going to tell anyone but he doesn’t want to see his brother right now because he’s sad , and he’s crying and da-ge isn’t meant to cry. It’s scary and Huaisang doesn’t like it.
His father’s dead and his mother died before he even knew her, now it’s just him and da-ge and Nie Zonghui, he supposes. The three of them, all alone. It’s not fair. He distantly feels like being told that dying is something that happens to old people.
“Your father was a very good man,” Nie Zonghui continues, wrapping an around him, “You should remember that, it’s important.”
Later a stressed looking da-ge comes to find them. Nie Zonghui lets go of him, stops rocking him and stands up to go whisper something with da-ge. Huaisang doesn’t know what they talk about, he’s not sure he really cares.
It results in Nie Zonghui leaving though, and da-ge slowly sits down opposite, his knees cracking slightly.
His brother hugs him and doesn’t move him away as his tears soak into his robes.
“Me too A-Sang,” his brother murmurs, “Me too.”
It’s too soon for there to be another funeral but when has fate ever looked at the Nie and cared about “too soon.”
He’s been crying, and he’s pretty certain he saw Nie Mingjue wiping his eyes earlier- which has never ceased to be scary. Huasing’s too old to be crying himself, nearly a teenager, he should be more composed- like his brother.
Huang Bao had been his teacher ever since Nie Huaisang can remember being taught, and he’d given Nie Mingjue all his lessons too. Including some after his da-ge had become sect leader.
If perhaps Huasiang had considered him something of a second father then no one needs to know , but it hurts.
Huang Bao hadn’t been young, he’d been very old, and it shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but he’d still failed to prepare himself. However, still, without warning Nie Zonghui’s words from his father’s funeral come calling back to him.
“Only the good die young” Nie Zonghui had told him, and he knows his cousin had meant them as a comfort, but now all he can think of his funerals and his brother and sabre spirits.
Nie Zonghui isn’t here to comfort him this time, as the tears fall down Huaisang’s cheeks. It’s silly, clearly people have better things to do. In the corner of his eye he can see Nie Zonghui talking to his brother, both of their faces pale and drawn.
He’s startled out of his anxious grief by a sudden voice behind him.
“How are you holding up A-Sang?” Meng Yao asks him, fairly new to the Nie sect, but he’d climbed the ranks rapidly, his competence putting him in good standing with Mingjue, and his willingness to go along with things in good standing with Huaisang.
Huaisang shrugs slightly, but does shuffle closer to Meng Yao.
He sighs slightly, “I know it doesn’t help A-sang, but I’ll tell you what I told your brother. I’m sorry, and it wasn’t fair. Nothing can bring him back, but I’ll be here for you- for the both of you, okay?”
Nie Huaisang sniffles, and then tries to wipe his eyes back, because if da-ge’s upset and crying then maybe he has to be the strong one.
“No, no no, ” Meng Yao says sharply and Huaisang flinches a little in surprise. His brother’s best friend softens slightly, “Sorry A-Sang,” he sighs, “You cry as much as you want and never let anyone tell you otherwise. If you need to cry you cry, if you need to grieve you do it however you need, okay? There’s no strength in holding back tears.”
Da-ge trusts Meng Yao, and Meng Yao is nice and plays with him sometimes. He trusts Meng Yao too, he’s old so if he says it’s okay to cry then Huaisang can cry.
“When my father died Nie Zonghui told me that the good die young- only the good die young.” He tells Meng Yao, the fears on his mind spilling out of him like sand. He can feel his breath choking in his throat, the fears he’s tried to keep to himself and not spread around threatening to swallow him up.
Meng Yao turns Huaisang to look at him gently but holds his silence. He’s good like that, good at reading people and knowing when people still have more to say.
“Da-ge’s good. He’s so good,” Huaisang whispers, “I don’t want him to die too. I can’t be alone.” He can barely bring himself to meet Meng Yao’s eyes.
He’s glad he did though, because Meng Yao rolls his eyes.
“Well your cousin was wrong , A-sang,” and he snorts a little, but goes slightly apologetic when Nie Huaisang shoots him a reproachful look. “Only fools die young. That’s how the saying goes.”
He can feel himself looking up at Meng Yao with wide hopeful eyes, and his quasi-older brother nods confidently.
“And I think we can both agree that your brother is no fool.” Meng Yao gives him a small smile, “so don’t go worrying about it.” Then Meng Yao ruffles his hair a little and Nie Huaisang feels almost reassured but…
But he trusts Nie Zonghui- it’s not that he thinks Meng Yao is wrong, but maybe he is? Huaisang needs to be sure .
“You promise that’s what the saying is?” he asks, watching Meng Yao’s face for signs of deceit.
“That’s the phrase my mother always told me, and I’d trust her with my life.” As if sensing that Huaisang still isn’t utterly convinced Meng Yao sighs again, before leaning forward as if to convey some great secret. “The problem is that it’s often the good people who are fools. But it’s still only the fools who die young.”
“You promise?” he asks, going to bury his face into Meng Yao’s chest for a hug.
“I promise,” Meng Yao replies, sounding utterly self assured and he strokes Nie Huaisang’s hair slightly. He lets himself relax. He can trust Meng Yao, and he believes him. Da-ge has complete faith in him, and Meng Yao has always been good and loyal, going beyond what is asked or needed as a disciple.
Da-ge’s no fool so he’ll be safe. He always sees through Huaisang’s schemes to get out of sabre practice.
“You like Meng Yao, don’t you?” Da-ge asks him one day, with that grin he wears when he thinks he’s so much smarter being the big brother and all. “Should I be worried about him replacing me as you da-ge since he’s joined the sect?”
Huaisang pokes him and says “yes ” just because da-ge’s being annoying. Nie Mingjue just laughs at him though.
“He gives fun advice,” Huaisang points out, very validly, he thinks.
“I’m glad you have friends, A-Sang,” Mingjue tells him, after he’s finished dangling him by his ankles, “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to be a very good big brother recently.” His brother sighs.
Huaisang feels sad all of a sudden even though he (secretly) likes being dangled, because he knows why his da-ge hasn’t been able to be so attentive as of late, and it’s not his brother’s fault.
“You’re the best ,” he says launching forward to hug his brother around his waist.
“Oh I am now?” and Nie Mingjue still sounds like he’s joking a little, but he also sounds so very soft.
“Yes,” he says voice muffled in his brother’s stomach, “A-Yao’s just better .” Then Huaisang leans back to smirk up at him.
“Oh the cheek!” Nie Mingjue calls and playfully swats at him before going to chase him down the halls.
Huaisang shrieks and runs off as fast as he possibly can.
He’s stuck in his room and kicking the foot of his bed in boredom and irritation and anger. Nie Mingjue’s gone and confiscated all his brushes and his paints, and most of his fans. He’s not allowed out of his room except for mandated sabre practice breaks.
It’s not fair .
Okay, sure, he might have been feigning injury and getting people all worried about him for the past two weeks to avoid having to do sabre but this is a total overreaction. So what if he doesn’t practice the sabre forms? It’s not like they matter, he doesn’t need to fight. He’s got da-ge, and if da-ge is ever busy (which he won’t be) then there’s A-yao who might not be as good as da-ge in a fight, but is very good at getting out of tight situations.
There has to be a reason that da-ge told him if anyone ever tried to attack Qinghe to go straight to A-Yao.
Anyway, the point is there’s not even a reason for Nie Huaisang to practice his sabre and still his brother insists upon it, which is why he’s sulking in his room utterly bored.
There’s a tap on the door, and he throws himself onto his bed to look utterly miserable and contrite, face buried into the pillow.
“Can I leave now?” he asks without looking up, words muffled by the pillow.
“I’m going to need you to repeat that A-Sang,” Meng Yao says, laughing a little. He brings his head up immediately because it’s A-Yao! He looks up and grins and that’s when he remembers he’s meant to be contrite and tries to look sad again, but clearly fails miserably because Meng Yao starts laughing outright.
“You’re not sorry at all, are you?” Meng Yao asks him dryly. Which is rude , because he is. He’s certainly feeling sorry for himself. Then Meng Yao continues a little more seriously, “You know how your Mingjue feels about lies , Huaisang. And you know how much he worries about you.”
He just scowls, because it’s still not fair though.
“I don’t get why he wants me to practice sabre so much.” he huffs out. Meng Yao just sighs and sits down on the bed next to him.
“And we don’t get why you don’t want to practice sabre so much. So maybe we could talk about it.” Meng Yao tells him, conciliatory as ever, and Nie Huaisang loves his brother but sometimes at times like this he just finds Meng Yao so much easier . His brother never seems to listen to him , but maybe Meng Yao will and then da-ge will listen to A-Yao.
“I hate it,” Huaisang whines, “It’s so boring, and I’m not going to need it anyway, because I have da-ge- and you ,” he says winningly, casting his big eyes up at Meng Yao who just smiles wryly at him. Hmpf, he continues undeterred, “And I’m no good at it- but I’m good at other things and I hate it and it’s stupid and none of the other sects have to do sabre cultivation and-”
“Mmm hmm,” Meng Yao interrupts, “But do you want to tell me what’s wrong with that statement?” he asks, patient and friendly and so unlike da-ge when he’s mad.
Huaisang looks at Meng Yao hopefully as if the answer will be written across his face. He has no idea- well he has some idea, maybe it’s because da-ge said so . It’s so stupid.
“I don’t know,” he says instead, trying his best not to come across as whiny. “Is it because da-ge thinks I should be defending myself- which is stupid because!”
“ Huaisang ,” Meng Yao cuts in again, “You know that Mingjue and I will always protect you, and it’s fine for you to rely on that- you should. But what if one day we’re dead , what would you do then?”
He snorts, because if both Meng Yao and da-ge are dead then how the hell is he supposed to live? And how would he , the little useless one, be expected to fight off any kind of threat?
“I’m not saying you shouldn’t rely on us,” Meng Yao continues undeterred, “That you shouldn’t accept favours or opportunities whenever they present themselves because you absolutely should . You take what you can get in this life. But the point is, if those fail- if they turn out to be traps or you’re left all alone- you need to be able to rely on yourself, and I think you know that. You’re smart A-Sang. And I also think there’s another reason you don’t want to do sabre hmm?”
He shakes his head rapidly from side to side. No! He just doesn’t want to do sabre because it’s boring , and no one else in other sects does it and fath- and that’s it. That’s all.
Meng Yao cocks his head as if in question.
“I’m not lying!” he insists. Meng Yao doesn’t look like he believes him and da-ge hates lying. It’s just not fair .
“I-” Meng Yao breathes out, “I’m not your da-ge Huaisang. Sometimes the truth isn’t the best thing to say- or you can’t say it and I’m- I’m not going to shout at you. We do what we need to do. But don’t lie to yourself , okay? If you know but you’re not telling me that’s fine. If you can’t admit there’s a reason you’re not saying then maybe we do need to talk.”
“... Are you telling me to lie? ” he asks curiously, a little cheekily.
Meng Yao rolls his eyes again, but fondly this time.
“I know what you’re trying to get me to say, you little cheek.” A-Yao pokes his ribs before sobering up slightly, “I’m saying your da-ge isn’t always right- don’t tell him that-, and sometimes the truth just isn’t an option. But don’t lie to yourself Huaisang, okay? Never lie to yourself because that’s how you wind up in messes.”
Huaisang nods, because Meng Yao doesn’t sit down and give him big important advice like this, that often. Then he leans into to give the older youth a hug.
Meng Yao hugs him back. “You know it’s still up to your da-ge to stop you being grounded though, right?” Meng Yao says, laughing slightly into his hair.
“He’s your da-ge too- our da-ge,” Huaisang says into A-Yao’s side, voice muffled by his clothes slightly.
There’s a slight pause where he can feel Meng Yao go tense against him, before he’s pulling away.
“I- he- I don’t- he,” Meng Yao stutters, “Just- I- be careful with what you say, Huaisang,” Meng Yao says awkwardly before leaving the room. “Mingjue will be here at some point I’m sure.”
Huaisang sits back a little awkward and not sure what he’d done wrong.
“Meng Yao!” he calls, racing down the corridors as fast as he can, heart beating rapidly in chest. “Meng Yao!” he screams. He turns to look behind him, and oh shit, yes still.
Flinging himself around a corner he starts to head for the library, still screaming for Meng Yao.
A hand grabs his arm and he almost toppers as his feet continue to slide forwards while his body does not.
“A-Sang?” Meng Yao’s worried voice questions as his clever eyes flick over him, and then behind him. A dawning “o” of understanding forms on his face before a wicked grin replaces it.
Before Huaisang can blink he’s being flung forward and dragged. Pulling himself together he starts to run again in earnest, Meng Yao’s cackles in his ears.
“Nie Huaisang!” the thunderous yell of the Nie Sect Leader rings out.
Shoving them both into a little alcove Huaisang pants while Meng Yao is clearly trying to hold back his snorts.
“So now I see why you’ve been on your best behaviour for the past week,” Meng Yao whispers rolling his eyes.
“His hair is yellow , A-Yao,” Nie Huaisang just about chokes out between his pants and his tears. “It was completely worth it.” Meng Yao just rolls his eyes again.
“You know when I gave you that advice I wasn’t meaning for you to test it out from the other side .” He doesn’t sound irritated though, like properly irritated. He sounds reluctantly amused and very fond.
“He needs to learn at some point in his life,” Huaisang points out primly, “And it might as well be from me, because it’s not like I can hurt anyone.”
“Only his pride,” Meng Yao shoots back with something a little wicked in his eyes, “Which I have been reliably informed is practically a person in itself.” Nie Huaisang completely loses it then, and erupts into a gigantic snort. Meng Yao is normally far more reserved, which makes sense because he’s old and has an important role and position in the sect as Nie Mingjue’s right hand man. But Nie Huaisang loves it when he gets to see this side of him.
Unfortunately for them both, or maybe just Huaisang it seems that his loud laughter had alerted his fuming da-ge to their presence.
“So this is where my scheming didi’s are hiding?” Da-ge growls out, but there’s a smile twitching at the side of his mouth. His yellow hair is still just as hilarious as before which breaks Huaisang out into peals of laughter. Meng Yao has his lips pressed into a thin line but his eyes are wide.
And had Da-ge really not referred to Meng Yao as his didi in front of said man before? Huaisang has been trying for ages to get the other man to realise that they’re brothers.
“As A-Yao pointed out,” Nie Huaisang pipes up, dancing out of reach of his da-ge’s swats, “When things are going well for you, you should look around for enemies. You really should have been more suspicious of my sudden drive in sabre training!”
Da-ge rolls his eyes, “Maybe I just thought it was a blessing from the heavens for putting up with you for your entire life.” he huffs, before bodily picking Huaisang up and swinging him over his shoulder.
“Save meeeeee!” Nie Huaisang calls out to Meng Yao flailing a little on his brother’s shoulders.
“You’re on your own there, Huaisang,” Meng Yao tells him unrepentantly, still looking slightly awkward but much amused.
“Can’t believe you’re really abandoning me like this Xiao-ge!” Huaisang calls out as he’s carried away to what’s looking like a very long grounding. Totally worth it though. And definitely a good call to reveal that he had already bought a large amount of black hair dye before running away from his very angry da-ge.
Nie Huaisang is doing Meng Yao’s braids, slowly brushing out his hair, despite the other man’s protests. He’d firmly shot them down with a “this is what brothers do ,” and Meng Yao had barely stiffened at the “brothers” comment. Huaisang calls this progress.
“Besides,” he continues, “It’s not like it’s breaking any of your rules . It would be breaking them not to- remember that thing you told me about always accepting help!” He points out helpfully. Huaisang takes Meng Yao’s rules and advice very seriously, much to da-ge’s consternation who bemoans that he doesn’t listen to him nearly as much.
Da-ge had then jokingly suggested that Meng Yao should give Huaisang a rule about always doing sabre. Meng Yao had just smirked.
But there is something very special about the advice Meng Yao gives him that’s sort of hard to describe. It just feels that way, like Meng Yao is imparting something that he carries deep down in his soul. It feels different, at least, to the advice or information Meng Yao gives him for other things, or passing on from da-ge.
“How did you get so wise?” he decides to ask, fingers in the other Nie’s hair, deftly separating the strands. “Because I want to be like you some day, but I can’t ever think of good advice. If I try I only come up with what you’ve given me,” he moans a little.
Meng Yao leans his head back into Huaisang’s lap slightly. “Well, I’m glad I’ve deceived you,” Meng Yao says lightly, “But if your definition of wise is coming up with your own good advice and not merely following it and passing it on then neither of us are wise.”
“Oh?” Huaisang questions, eager and mind racing. He’s both deeply curious and almost disappointed that this image of Meng Yao he’s built up in his mind is crumbling slightly. But then- maybe he’s the one who’s wrong, and wisdom is something other than what he thought.
“Are you saying that wisdom is having the common sense to seize good advice when it’s offered?” he asks, like this is a test, twisting Meng Yao’s hair round his fingers and then letting it all fall down.
“My mother would love you,” Meng Yao says with a little laugh, making his hair shake in Huaisang’s hands.
“Hey!” he interjects and Meng Yao apologises.
“Alright, alright, I’ll stay still.” Meng Yao comments before continuing, “But yes, I think my mother would like that view on wisdom very much- and she’s the one who gave me all my advice.” a fond sigh, “She’s the smartest woman I know. I would be interested if you two ever met…” Meng Yao trails off and Huaisang tactfully doesn’t pick up on that thread. Meng Yao’s mother is a touchy subject that must be broached with utmost care and utterly avoided if he doesn’t bring it up first.
“Well,” he says, diplomatically but also genuinely, “Of course she must be very intelligent, she’s your mother after all.” The slightly smaller, more wistfully, “I think I would like to meet her too. I never got to meet my own mother, I just have stories from da-ge, but he barely remembers her either.”
Huaisang’s not sad so much about this fact, because it’s hard to grieve a woman you never knew. Equally he’d like a mother, like to have memories of one and know what that’s like. He had a father briefly but for most of his life he’s just had da-ge and then, later, Meng Yao.
Silence reigns out for a moment, and he wonders what Meng Yao’s thinking about. Then without preamble he starts speaking.
“Once when I was younger I cut myself quite badly. I’d never seen quite so much blood before, and I grew up around women. I was trying to hold in my tears in case the Madam shouted at me.” Meng Yao goes so still and silent as if he’s holding his breath. He’s probably waiting for Huaisang to react at the unsubtle reference to his childhood in a brother. If A-Yao’s looking for judgement though he’ll have to look elsewhere.
“I thought you said to cry as much as you needed?” he asks, with just the right amount of confusion.
Meng Yao hums, “Yeah, that’s what my mother told me. She said I might as well cry it out then and there as opposed to holding it all in and it flooding out later in a worse circumstance. Such as when a client was there.” Meng Yao hisses out that last bit, and Huaisang is careful to keep working on Meng Yao’s hair without reaction.
“What’s her name?” he asks instead, “Of this woman who would appreciate my crying, unlike da-ge?”
Meng Yao snorts at that a little, but keeps his head still for Huaisang to do his work. “I wouldn’t quite go that far, Huaisang.” a small pause, “Her name is Meng Shi.”
Nie Huaisang commits that name to memory. “Well if I ever meet a Meng Shi,” he tells Meng Yao seriously, “I’ll make sure to let her know how much I appreciate her son. And to ask her to Qinghe.” With that he inserts a hair crown into Meng Yao’s finally fully braided hair and pats his shoulder to let the other man know he’s done.
Meng Yao doesn’t say anything, just stares with big eyes back into the mirror.
Da-ge’s writing a recommendation letter for A-Yao to give to Jin Guangshan, and it finally seems official that he’s going to leave the Nie sect. Huaisang knows he should be proud and pleased, but he can’t help but feel irrationally annoyed and a little sad. Still, it’s not hard to act the guise of the excited little brother, pleased and proud. So he does.
“What are you writing?” he asks, trying to peer around his brother’s massive shoulders. He’s promptly swatted away.
“It’s not for your eyes, Huaisang .” Nie Mingjue tells him grumpily, but there’s no heat in it.
He huffs, but goes back to sitting in the seat opposite his brother and idly fiddling with the small red bauble that sits in the centre of the desk. It’s from Yunping, and it’s one of the few things in the entirety of the Unclean Realms that is.
“Are you going to swear a brotherhood with him once he gets accepted into the Jin?” he pops out after a while. It would probably be strategic and then maybe their (meaning his and A-yao’s) sibling status could be more official. As in respected by anybody outside of Qinghe, and even have more respect within some of the fringes of the Nie sect.
Da-ge snorts. Which- what? That’s unexpected.
“Why?” he asks, voice small, feeling confused and wrong footed all of a sudden. Is da-ge trying to get rid of Meng Yao? But surely not. “Why not?” he repeats.
“It would be disrespectful and demeaning,” his brother responds without looking up or pausing in his writing. “If you went and joined- the Jiang?- which you better not , Huaisang. I’d hardly be about to swear a brotherhood with you.” Nie Mingjue shakes his head, and Huaisang sees him sign off the letter with a flourish, finally lifting his gaze to meet Huaisang.
“Brothers are brothers, sworn brothers are sworn brothers and never shall the twain meet.” Nie Mingjue impresses upon him. “Now go get my favourite didi, I need to give him a letter.” his brother smirks at him a little.
Huaisang gasps, mock offended and leaps out of his seat. “A curse be on you!” he cries, and then he’s skipping off down the corridor to find Meng Yao.
It’s some time after Meng Yao left Qinghe and everything’s changed. Not just in that Nie Huaisang can’t wander into his chambers to talk to him, or that he can’t run interference when Huaisang has perhaps niggled at Nie Minjue a bit too much.
Not that he’s not there, or he’s no longer da-ge’s right hand man or calmly giving Nie Huaisang advice his own mother had given him because Huaisang’s never had a mother of his own.
It’s when one night da-ge comes back, face drawn incredibly tight and shouts at him (twice) to leave him alone sounding so angry that Nie Huaisang is inclined to actually listen for once in his life.
The next morning when he’s skulking around, trying to skip sabre practice he stumbles across his brother, leaning on his desk like the weight of the world has finally crushed him. He hugs him in silence, because Mingjue will talk when he’s ready.
There’s crumpled papers on the floor and tiny fine red pieces of glass- so fine it’s more powder than anything sharp. A quick glance around confirms that A-Yao’s bauble is no longer sitting where it was.
A sick feeling takes over him but he still says nothing. Mingjue will talk when he’s ready.
“I’m sending you to Gusu,” his brother says at last. “You’ll be safer there, with the war.” Nie Mingjue is moving to get up, so Nie Huaisang quickly disentangles himself and steps back.
“Not Lanling?” he asks, though he supposes it makes sense. While the Jin are less involved in the war, and certainly far more stable at the current time he knows that Lan Xichen is the Sect Leader, whereas he assumes Meng Yao (or is he a Jin?) is probably still trying to achieve his old position.
An angry scowl takes over his brother’s face. “Meng Yao’s not there, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Then-” he starts, confused and a little worried, and eyes darting over to the red dust on the floor.
“I don’t want to talk about him . You’re going to Gusu tonight, start packing. Take your sabre. ”
Nie Huaisang does. He doesn’t even try to hide it or mess around because his da-ge clearly has enough going on. Besides, he can always pretend to lose it once he’s at Gusu.
“I’m not swearing a brotherhood with him , Xichen!” Huaisang hears his brother shout, even though he’s in his room with the door shut. “How many times do I have to tell you!”
There’s a sudden silence which suggests Lan Xichen is talking, and overtaken by curiosity Huaisang slowly sidles out of his room to linger outside his brother’s door. Eavesdropping is not something Nie Minjue approves of, but it doesn’t seem like Nie Mingjue approves of much these days so Huaisang reckons he might as well.
He just about catches the tail end of whatever Lan Xichen is saying, something about the Sunshot campaign and A-Yao. A-Yao, he misses him. Lan Xichen had told him that he was doing great things for the war effort while he was at Gusu, and now he’s finally been recognised as Jin Guangyao like his brother had wanted. Which stings a little, but Huaisang is still pleased for him. Da-ge refuses to talk about him, so the mention of his name just feeds the little bit of Huaisang that is always desperate for gossip.
“Why are you so desperate for me to swear a brotherhood anyway, Xichen?” his brother huffs out, still sounding deeply irritated. Huaisang gets why though, because as Da-ge had pointed out, they are brothers so there would be no need to swear it, and it’s irritating when other people don’t seem to get that.
Huaisang is pretty sure he got a bunch of brownie points from Jiang Cheng at the Cloud Recesses just because he never tried to insinuate (unlike someone ) that Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng weren’t brothers because their surnames were different or whatever. Lan Qiren had not seemed to view it in quite the same way either (though that may have just been his inability to rationalise that his nemesis, Wei Wuxian, was related to mostly model pupil Jiang cheng), and it seems Xichen is of a similar mind, possibly?
“So it is to do with your disciples then?” Xichen is saying, and Nie Huaisang has to shake himself to make sure he picks up as much of this conversation as possible. Xichen sounds sad and sympathetic and Huaisang feels kind of uncomfortable suddenly, because he has no idea what this is about, but Xichen is worried, and shouldn’t he know about his brother?
“Yes Xichen,” his da-ge snorts, but it’s not amused, it’s angry, “I’d be so unreasonable to not want to enter an alliance with a man who killed my men and-” without really meaning to Huaisang gasps. He knows Jin Guangyao was a spy but surely- but then what does he know about spies? And if Xichen is justifying him then there must have been a reason, it must have been okay deep down, he must have had no other choice and-
His gasping must have been too loud though, because the next thing he hears is a thunderous “HUAISANG!” and the doors to his brother’s chambers being thrown open. His brother is standing there in front of him in all his thunderous, angry, impressive glory, Xichen hovering kindly behind him.
“What have I told you about eavesdropping?!” his brother thunders, “Always hovering around and gossiping- you listened to him too much, you’re just like him!” Da-ge is going very red, and Huaisang feels himself quailing a little under it all. Da-ge has been mad before, and he’s been mad at him before, but it’s not been like this.
“I’m sorry!” he gets out nervously, “I just heard you mention A-Yao- you were shouting so loudly- so I-” it’s the wrong thing to say, and his brother’s expression closes off entirely. So maybe it was the right thing, because at least Da-ge’s not mad at him anymore.
“ A-Yao ,” his brother spits a little, and Xichen’s frown echoes Huaisang’s own. “Of course, you and him, the two of you- you miss him don’t you?” Mingjue’s face takes on a rather cruel smile, “Well maybe I should tell you what A-Yao’s gone and-”
“ Mingjue ,” Lan Xichen interrupts, quietly but firmly. “That’s enough , Huaisang doesn’t deserve this.”
“Doesn’t deserve to know what he’s hanging out with?” Nie Mingjue responds incredulously, and Huaisang is tilting his head between the two of them like it’s a volley. He doesn’t like this, he doesn’t know what to think, he wants to be far away from here, and he wants them to just tell him whatever it is that they’re dancing around.
Lan Xichen gives another disapproving but firm look, and da-ge actually folds his arms and goes silent. Lan Xichen turns to him a little then, so the man is facing the both of them and speaks more gently.
“I’m going to Lanling in a few days, largely to see A-Yao and congratulate him on his new status. Also to deal with some more bureaucratic matters. You would be most welcome to come as well, I am sure.”
The thing is, Huaisang’s not sure who Lan Xichen is addressing there with that second statement, and da-ge’s face does something twisty and complicated, moving too fast for Huaisang to completely unpick.
“ Fine ,” da-ge growls out at last, “I’ll swear your damn brotherhood. Me, you, and Jin Guangyao - brothers at last .” There’s a meanness there that’s solely in the words and not the tone. A meanness that Xichen won’t be able to pick up, that maybe even Jin Guangyao wouldn’t pick up on. Huaisang knows full well what his brother means with that emphasis on “ at last .” He doesn’t like it
“You come as well, Huaisang,” his brother follows up, sounding bitter. “You two were always inseparable - insufferably so,” and at last his brother sounds almost wistful before it’s wiped away and the angry mask is back on.
“I’m so glad,” Lan Xichen says gently and da-ge just scowls before stalking away.
Something in Huaisang’s heart clenches.
Da-ge always seems angry these days, worse even than the war. Things improve when either of his sworn brothers are there to play songs of healing for him but Huaisang worries.
Only fools die young, only fools die young . He mutters to himself sometimes when he’s scared or stressed, or worried.
Jin Guangyao overhears him one time and smiles at him. “You remembered,” he says sounding almost shocked about it, “And it’s the absolute truth ,” the man vows eyes serious, voice reassuring. “You’ll be fine, Huaisang. It’ll all be fine.” It does actually help Huaisang to feel a little more reassured.
Da-ge tends to scowl a little when he sees the two of them talking, but he never does anything to intervene. Not even after Jin Guangyao had pushed for a lighter sentence for Xue Yang and da-ge had come home in a rage, destroying his fans.
Bitterly Huaisang thinks that maybe da-ge shouldn’t have destroyed all his own gifts from A-Yao and thus had to come after his . This is what he thinks later when he’s not so scared. He’s never really been scared of his brother before, despite his reputation. Even now he’s more scared for him.
But only fools die young, and Da-ge’s still far too young to die. He’ll be fine . Even A-Yao said so, so he’s not lying to himself. He doesn’t cry because you only cry as much as you need , and if da-ge’s going to be fine then there’s no need to cry.
His brother’s sworn brothers will protect him. And his brother’s brothers will help him too. Huaisang just needs to work out what he should do.
But Jin Guangyao is barely around enough anymore, he plays his music, maybe stays for a meal and then leaves. The tension still thick between Mingjue and Guangyao. Huaisang misses him, and he misses what was. He secretly resents Meng Yao leaving, because he would never say this, but Jin Guangyao just isn’t as good. Meng Yao was his brother, and Jin Guangyao is , but it’s still not quite the same.
Still, he’s still the same man, and he still helps his da-ge. Even if da-ge had gone and sworn a brotherhood which is perhaps one of the biggest blows he could have done. Secretly, Huaisang longs for the day when he’ll revoke it. He also dreads it a little.
Sometimes Huaisang lurks while music is played, not that he needs it, but because he likes it. Likes watching the two men he considers his brothers existing in the same place and being calm . Normally it is silent other than Jin Guangyao’s plucking. But sometimes there is soft murmuring.
Sometimes even, like today there’s a deep laughter coming from his da-ge and a reluctant, well-worn, smile twisting it’s way onto Meng Yao’s lips. Huaisang drinks it in for a moment, and then he tiptoes away because he can think of little more than this that Chifeng-zun would want to be overseen doing.
//////////////////////////////////////////
Once Nie Mingjue had been ill, and whether it had been related to his core or not had been unclear but no one wanted to take any chances. Well, da-ge had probably been willing but Huaisang had put his foot down and da-ge was on bed rest with a mild fever.
Huaisang had sat with him, idly doodling on his fans while attempting to read and understand the latest reports of the internal happenings of the Nie Sect. The ones from other sect leaders Huaisang decided could wait until da-ge was better. His pen scritch, scratches and it’s the only sound in the room aside from da-ge’s steady breathing.
The format the reports were laid out in was, at least, very easy to understand and he vaguely suspected he’d had Meng Yao to thank for that. He’d always demanded the best Huaisang and the other disciples had been able to give.
“Thanks didi,” Mingjue had muttered sleepily cracking an eye open before flopping over. Huaisang had smiled a little.
“Where’d I’d be without you, A-Yao?” his brother had continued to murmur before presumably being swallowed up by sleep once more. The smile had instantly frozen a little.
When his da-ge had been more lucid and Huaisang had brought it up Nie Mingjue had frozen then. He’d gone utterly stiff.
“I was clearly delirious,” he’d scowled. Huaisang hadn’t brought up the matter again. Not when sometimes Huaisang would actually do some work as Sect Heir and da-ge would thank A-Yao on instinct, or a didi who was clearly not the one in front of him.
//////////////////////////////////////////
Nie Huaisang tiptoes away when he sees his brothers relaxed and laughing because family is complicated, but Nie Mingjue doesn’t want it to be. Or- rather his da-ge doesn’t want to admit that he has complicated emotions, especially towards and surrounding a certain Jin. Maybe because it’s happening in his own life that he finds it so easy to recognise in Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian.
The Lans, at least, seem to have an actual healthy relationship with all their family. (Not that there’s much of it)
He’s just glad that maybe it’s not all broken. That maybe one day they can be a family again, a proper one.
Later he observes a small tub of what is likely hair dye lying in his brother’s study. Da-ge rolls his eyes a little and makes a pointed remark about damned little brothers after Huaisang points it out.
Huaisaing deliberately does not mention that he’s pretty sure that kind of pot is only found in Lanling. Da-ge keeps smiling as though he doesn’t realise when he looks at it and Huaisang doesn’t want to break that.
If he just bides his time then maybe they’ll all be brothers again. He can feel it.
He’s staring at the coffin containing his brother and his sabre. Tears are threatening to well up in his eyes, but he’d already cried himself into exhaustion two days earlier and he doesn’t want to cry anymore. He wants to be strong for his oldest brother who’d always been so strong for him. Who had valued strength nearly highest of all.
Everything is swimming and blurring in front of him, but he holds himself so tense he thinks he might break. Isn’t he broken already? What’s he meant to do? He can’t be alone .
A hand falls on his shoulder, too small to be Lan Xichen who’s already tried to comfort and who Huaisang had shrugged away. It’s exactly the person he wants, and doesn’t want because he’d left them, and then Mingjue had left him and now he’s utterly alone.
“It’s okay to cry,” the voice says lowly, quiet enough that he doubts anyone else can hear them. “Bottling it all up doesn’t help it.”
He doesn’t turn or move, because he thinks if he does then he might break down completely. But when a hand softly goes over his own and gently moves his arm up so it’s in front of his chest he softens and lets it happen.
“If you hold your fan up in front of your face no one will be able to see you, and if anyone says anything then they can deal with me ,” Meng- Jin- A-Yao , tells him softly. Then he wraps an arm around Huaisang’s shoulders.
A-Yao’s voice is thick when he says, “I’m so sorry Huaisang, I’m so, so sorry.”
Huaisang does cry fully then.
When Huaisang realises exactly who caused his da-ge’s untimely death his first thought is this:
I’m going to kill him .
His second thought, coming unbidden, is this :
Lie as much as you need A-Sang, but never lie to yourself .
His third thought is a mess of screams and anguish.
He wants revenge though. Meng Yao was his brother but Jin Guangyao is nothing but a ghost that needs to be purged.
When things are going your way, look around for enemies , he thinks bitterly. Well he had looked, and he hadn’t found them, just seen right through the worst of them all. So now he’s playing catch up, things are no longer going right but he’s still looking.
It’s also a warning though. A warning to make sure that Jin Guangyao won’t look at him and see an enemy, especially now when all the cards are turning up Jin yellow.
His family and his friends are mostly dead or gone. Even disciples who he’d once been close with are more likely to be dead than alive, large swathes of the Nie sect had been wiped out during the war.
It’s just Zewu-jun and Lianfang-jun.
He burns himself out trying to run his sect by himself. It’s unintentional, but it works out in his favour in the end. It’s only because he’s trying to keep Jin Guangyao away without being obvious about it, and also trying to plot his revenge. But as he said, it’s useful in the end, because it does wonders for cementing his reputation as a useless nobody.
Even to Meng Yao who maybe really ought to know better. He’d thought perhaps Meng Yao had seen something in him when they were younger, what with all the advice he’d give him. Maybe not, or maybe his brother thinks murdering his da-ge shattered A-Sang into pieces beyond repair.
In the end he just rolls over, because Nie Huaisang is fully aware that Meng Yao (except he’s not Meng Yao anymore, hasn’t been for years ) knows how to run the Nie Sect far better than anyone alive.
“Why didn’t you ask for help?” Lan Xichen asks him, sounding both tired and confused from the foot of the bed.
He’s too tired to think of anything, he just lies back and lets it all leak out from his eyes.
Me- Jin Guangyao’s hand is in his hair and he hates that his treacherous body is trying to lean into it for some genuine sense of comfort and not just a ploy. He hates that as much as he wants to spit at Jin Guangyao to go away, that his allowing him to stay is as much if not more that he doesn’t want him to, not for his game . He hates that despite it all the presence of the yellow clad man is actually making him feel better .
“What did I tell you about accepting favours Di- Huaisang,” Meng Yao says and the bastard sounds like his voice might break a little. “You can’t do this to yourself.”
Oh so Jin Guangyao can drive Nie Mingjue into a grave, but Nie Huaisang can’t do it to himself?
“Accept favours and help whenever they’re offered,” he says dully. Except that Meng Yao had pointed out the second part- make sure that you can rely on yourself. Which he’s clearly failed. If he’s going to get his revenge he’s going to need to turn all of Meng Yao’s tricks against Jin Guangyao. That’s how you win.
“I’ll- we, Er-ge and I, will always be here to help you, Huaisang,” A-Yao says, so reassuring. “Don’t you agree, Xichen ,” Meng Yao says harsh- a threat to those who know, but his hand still gentle and soft in his hair. And this is the Meng Yao he knew, and loved. It burns to still see him here.
“Of course,” Lan Xichen replies, agreeable as ever. Nie Huaisang may be fashioning (may have fashioned as an impressionable youth) himself after Meng Yao. But this ability to just roll with all the punches, well he wonders if it comes from Lan Xichen.
“Get some rest Huaisang, I’ll go make sure everything is in order,” Lan Xichen murmurs and then leaves.
Huaisang blinks because he wants Meng-Jin he wants A-Yao to be the one to go. Because him being here burns him, burns him with every moment that Huaisang wants him to stay. Because Meng Yao knew how the Nie Sect worked even better than da-ge ever did and managed to terrorise every disciple into handing in impeccable reports with nothing more than a smile and will, frankly, be better at this than Lan Xichen.
Xichen is gone before he can work out how to word any of it, and he’s still lying in bed with familiar hands carding through his hair.
“I will always, always be here for you Huaisang,” the man in yellow whispers into his ear, “You ever need anything you ask me, okay?” A-Yao moves his face away from him, “I can’t have both of you dead.”
“I still miss him,” Huaisang says to the ceiling so he can pretend he’s not saying it to the one man he hates himself for hoping will still understand.
“So do I, A-Sang,” Meng Yao tells him, swallowing audibly, “Every day,” the other man’s voice actually cracks on the words. “I just wish-” then Jin Guangyao seals Meng Yao’s mouth shut like a steel trap.
Do you regret it then? He thinks, turning to stare at A-Yao’s face silently.
He can’t ask it, but he doesn’t think he actually needs to. The answer is one that Huaisang already knows. It shouldn’t break him more but it does.
“Da-ge never found anyone who could run the sect as well as you could, assistant or otherwise,” he says, instead of stirring shit and asking for trouble he can’t handle. It’s a compliment, and a memory, and a challenge and an offer all rolled up into one.
Meng Yao laughs a little, a sound like broken glass in his throat. Huaisang isn’t sure who it’s meant to hurt.
(He wishes more than anything that Da-ge hadn’t supported Meng Yao’s desire for his father’s acceptance. Wishes that brotherly love had been enough- for all of them . )
A-Yao is there the entire time Nie Huaisang is grieving. He works with Lan Xichen to help run the Nie sect so that Huaisang can take his time, and then offers to keep running it. Not for him, but with him- to offer help whenever needed. He’d hardly want to see the Nie sect fall after all.
He’s there to support him, and help him and offer him advice the whole time while Huaisang is privately trying to work out the finer details of his brother’s death and the more complex machinations of his murderer.
The thing is, Jin Guangyao is just as supportive and caring after Huaisang works it out as he was before.
He breaks a little more.
Idly, he wonders if he’d been the one to die first if it would have brought A-Yao and A-Jue back together. He wonders if it speaks badly for him that he sometimes wishes that had been the case.
He starts working on contingency plans for if he can’t deal the killing blow. After all, the rule is that you never lie to yourself .
He cries as much as he needs to sell his act of uselessness, not as much as he needs to cry for personal reasons.
He takes all the help and handouts, and ways out that Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao offer him, but he makes sure under the uselessness he is competent, that he can last once this all ends. He never wants to be alone and powerless to help someone again.
He vows that if anything starts working out right that he’ll stop. He won’t be allowed to be lulled into a false sense of security again, and when things are going your way then that’s the perfect time to clean house.
But ultimately Jin Guangyao has to die young . Because the man thinks he’s so smart and he’s played them all , but only fools die young. Only fools .