Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Hey,” Zuko nudged Mai’s shoulder gently, as if even when trying to wake her up, he didn’t want to disturb her. She turned around quietly, her eyes speaking to him just as eloquently as her mouth would. What’s wrong? 

He gave her a sad little smile. The cool night breeze felt foreign on his skin. Alien. So did everything else. Everything but the warmth of her hand on his shoulder as she sat up on the bed, her familiar touch loosening all the knots tucked under his skin. She didn’t have to say anything. She did anyway, and her voice soothed him, too. 

“Is it the nightmares again ?” 

Zuko nodded. 

“You can tell me about it, if you want.”

He breathed shakily. The images, merciless, violent, loomed over him and clawed at his throat. He felt a phantom pain radiate from his scar, and even though he knew it wasn’t real, he couldn’t make it any less unbearable. Something in him was ready to snap, allow the wave of rage to muddle his breath and have it set the room on fire. 

Mai ran her hand down his back and rubbed, up and down, slowly, the way she knew grounded him. She waited for him to steady his breathing. These were never easy for him. She understood that the barrier between Zuko’s feelings and his words was vertiginous at times, impossible to break through and tedious to climb over. She didn’t push. 

“I think I need some air.” 

He stood up and walked towards the balcony. Lanterns shone meekly, scattered all across the city as if trying the mirror the sky. The view, and Mai’s presence as she followed him outside, reminded him that he wasn’t alone in the world. It helped.

“It’s just… the Agni Kai. Again.” He sounded angry and apologetic.

She cupped his cheek in her hand and let her thumb trace over his scar. He winced. “I’m sorry. Does it hurt?”

“Not really but yes, it does.” She let go of his face. “It’s okay. I like you touching it, but it’s… I feel like I’m not in control of it right now.”

She raised a brow. “There’s nothing you have to be in control of. Pain is pain. You won’t make it smaller if you try to suffocate it.” She grinned. “Trust me, I’ve tried.”

Crickets chirped. A faint laugh was heard from somewhere deep within the city’s heart. Zuko felt too heavy for Mai. She told him not to suffocate the pain but he worried it was her he might hurt. Fire Lord duties felt heavy. The memories of their time together during the war felt heavy. His running away felt heavy. The nightmares felt heavy. Mai was strong, but no one could carry this much forever.

“Hey, stop that.” 

“Stop what? I’m not doing anything.”

“You’re not a burden to me, Zuko.”

He blinked, taken aback. She could read through him so effortlessly.

“You can tell me what’s on your mind. It’s okay.” 

He stepped aside and settled his gaze on the horizon. 

“In my dream, I went through it again. I was twelve, and hurt, and afraid. I looked him in the eye when he attacked me, but I didn’t… I didn’t try to fight back. I didn’t even flinch, even though I felt the burn. It’s like I expected it to happen, and I was convinced I deserved it.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “It made me so angry.”

She drew a heavy breath. Memories of the Agni Kai sometimes haunted her too. It broke her heart to hear Zuko say that he deserved any of what Ozai had put him through. She pulled him close, combing her fingers through his hair. 

“You didn’t deserve it. You never did.”

She felt the warm tickle of Zuko’s exhale whispering a Thank you . He focused on the steady beating of her heart and her gentle strokes. It helped dissipate the rage. 

They stayed like this for a while, just holding each other and breathing. The palace doors let out a faint smell of incense.

“Is there anything else you want to tell me about?”

He sighed. “No. That made me feel better.” He pulled back. “You can go back to bed, I’ll watch over the city until I’m sleepy.”

“Like a vigilante?” She chuckled. “Okay. You know where to find me.”

She pressed a soft kiss to his lips and went back inside their room. 

This is home, he thought, turning around and admiring the conglomeration of red roofs and the mountains crowning the city. Ozai’s figure felt distant, his warmongering hands unable to reach the now peaceful Fire Nation. I’m home.