Archive of Our Own ^beta

Another day being thrown into a launch pod with nine strangers. I was way more than used to this. And, as always, I’m sure I will survive.

At this point, it almost felt like there was a formula to victory in this game. Like an equation, formed in the first few seconds, and all I had to do was to solve it. 

Needless to say, I never miscalculated. Not once. Not when I was a crew or an impostor, it didn’t matter. All it mattered was that there was this genius veteran called 5up who always won.

I looked around me, the seatbelt cutting my neck, limiting my visions. Mostly new people, but I did know some from previous games. 

That girl three places to my left was called Hafu. We were imposters together once and we slain the lobby pretty efficiently. Need to watch out for her either way, she might be a brutally clever crewmate too.

 That man looking around with his confident nervousness was called DK. We were crews together twice, he somehow survived both, and apparently even more rounds without me. Considering how losing the game meant immediate execution, I was genuinely surprised.

That boy sitting right next to me was called Fundy. I wish not to elaborate.

Talking was not prohibited in the launch pod, but no one talked. From simple observation I could tell at least four people were clearly new to this game, their slightly panicking expressions selling them way too easily. DK still had his nervous confidence, and Hafu simply looked relaxed. She was surely an experienced one. Just like me.

I didn’t want to look at Fundy, and Fundy didn’t want to look at me. We both still remembered. 

Fundy and I had been in seven games together now. Way more than average. It’s rare to see a person twice in this hunger-game-like pool of players, but as time got on, the good players started to get to know each other.

Fundy was not a good player. I meant this objectively. He was terrible at this, at least as a crewmate. He didn’t know how to clear himself, didn’t know how to clear others, didn’t know how to hide from impostors, he knew very little. He was here again today almost solely thanks to me.

We chose to trust each other for all seven rounds. We never disappointed each other. Normally I would never entrust my life to a stranger - a competitor - but I trusted him, and it was always the right choice.

No, he never betrayed me. I never betrayed him. That was not the case.

The case was I loved him. And he loved me. And we both knew that. And we both wouldn’t do anything about it. 

Because we both did and it didn’t work out well.

It was the sixth game we had together.

We were in medbay when it happened. I watched him scan, and he flashed a smile at me while he got off the scanner, and I smiled back, meeting his bright, beaming face, inches away from me in no time.

‘I told you you can trust me 5up.’ He pouted, and I ruffled his hair with a stupid, almost lovestruck grin.

‘You didn’t even have to do the scan, I trusted you from the very beginning.’

His hair was fluffy and soft. My fingers ran over his fox ears, and they twitched before flattening down under my hand, a visible blush appearing on his face as we subconsciously moved closer to each other, close enough that I could hear his breaths speeding up, lightly cool on the skin of my neck..

Fundy had gradually worn down the logic dominance in my personality. He could have been standing on the scanner for ten seconds doing nothing, and he could have taken a knife out of his pocket and stabbed my back right at that moment, but I didn’t care. All I wanted was him being there, and I could almost say, with some confidence in my claim, that I’ll die in his hands and not complain if it helped him live on.

I loved him. It didn’t take me too long to figure out. 

In the moment of heat, when I was rapidly debating in my mind whether I should make a move, I heard scrambling sounds from the vent in the corner.

Fundy was oblivious to that. I pushed the decontamination door’s button, pulled him into it the moment it opened and pressed us to the only wall not visible from the vent, and at the last second of the door closing completely, I saw a flash of red jumping out of the vent.

I didn’t dare to drop my guards just now. I ran and dragged him all the way to decon, and finally, after making sure no one followed us, I finally exhaled a long breath. Fundy looked at me, still a bit confused and overwhelmed.

‘5up…?’

‘I just saved our lives. It’s red. They vented. We would have been seen if we were a second slower.’

Fundy visibly relaxed after I said that, leaning on the table with all the chemical apparatus. I reached out a hand and stopped his head from bumping on a beaker.

‘I thought I was going to die.’

‘You thought I would kill you?’

‘No. but it was a natural response I guess.’ He smiled nervously, not only because of how he was desperately trying to explain how he trusted me, but also, and I didn’t realise this yet, but also because of how close I was to him.

My hand was still holding the metal stand behind him, and my other hand on the edge of the table. He had no space to move, with all the complicated apparatus behind him and me in front. After this realisation hit me, the air in the room even felt hotter.

He knew well how I felt about him. It was an open secret between us; every single time we met, it could be the last, so we never hesitated in showing our feelings. 

It was just the last step, and it seemed like I would be the one taking it.

Fundy did not object to my kiss. He seemed to have frozen for a second as our lips touched, his body tense. One of his hands was behind my back to hold himself in place, and I moved closer, our bodies pressed tight.

However, in the midst of all my overwhelmed sensations, I felt him push me away from him lightly. I obliged.

His face was a bright red, and he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I was looking at the floor too, like a kid standing guiltily in the principal’s office. I guess it was my fault.

‘I… I need to process this. 5up I know this would happen sooner or later but…’

He couldn’t finish his sentence before the emergency meeting pulled us both back to the meeting room sharply. 

It was an easy discussion, they caught red venting again, and I didn’t say a word. So didn’t Fundy who sat next to me. I watched him secretly, and for twice or thrice he lifted his hand, trying to grab mine or something, but didn’t.

We caught the first impostor ages ago. Red was thrown out into the lava pool, and as always when we win, a white light struck, pulling us into a second of unconsciousness then dropping us into a new launch pod.

I thought that was the last time I would have ever seen Fundy again.

I met him in another launch pod a week later.

Seventh game.

I did not have the courage to talk to him first. After all, he was the one that pushed me away, and no one else was talking in the launch pod anyway.

I soon had to, though, as we were paired up as impostors.

I gestured to him to stay behind as we were released into the launchpad. He understood, and soon, everyone else left, leaving only us behind as I tried desperately to fake struggling with keys.

‘...5up what do we do?’ 

‘They mostly headed towards electrical so let’s go there and blend in. I think keeping a low profile is important in this game.’

I didn’t know if I should have said what I would say in a second, but I said it anyway.

‘I’ll try and do more kills. You just protect yourself for me.’

We hadn’t talked about anything unrelated to the game. I managed to kill one in O2 without suspicion, another one in storage, and Fundy managed to get three crewmates vouching for him.

This was going well. 

We voted off a crew, I killed one in the lab decontamination, we did a double in medbay. 

Where we were almost killed once. Where I ran with him, feeling the adrenaline enhancing both the fear and excitement. After that we kissed,

I had to physically shake my thoughts off as I sent the blade through the poor crew’s back with ease, the red staining his green suit black.

Just one more. Fundy called lights, and we camped the bodies, hiding on the balcony of the lab, waiting for our knives to materialise again.

I didn’t speak, but watched the sky. 

The sky on Polus was beautiful. The planet was so small, that if we could leave the station, we could watch the sunset over and over again. Every time the sun disappears, we could simply walk back a few steps, and watch the sun rise right from where it set, and wait for it to set again.

I wanted to escape and watch sunsets with Fundy. It would be awkward, but none of us needed to talk. We would sit there, the golden lights would be casted on us, then we would fall into darkness, where one of us might be able to pick up the courage to speak first.

I wanted to escape. In that moment, I felt like all these murder and survival were pointless.

I remembered a better time where people didn’t live for the sole purpose of playing murder games. I remembered where love was a certain thing, and where you could wake up and be certain that your loved one was still there.

It was faint, the memory, but it felt real, it felt like I didn’t make those up, but that they actually happened.

Fundy pulled me back to reality. 

‘5up?’

‘Hm?’ I turned around and looked at him, and, not really surprisingly, saw him look away, his face red,

‘I… I do love you. I just wanted to tell you that.’

I wanted to do something so bad. Something. Anything, I wanted to pull him into my arms, to kiss him deep, pressing him on the wall and leaving bite marks on his neck. I wanted him .

In reality I stood there inanimate and did nothing.

‘I… I understand if it’s over between us… what am I saying, there’s nothing between us to begin with…’ he tried to sound nonchalant, but his voice started to crack halfway through the sentence. He made an attempt at laughing it off, but failed. 

Now I wanted to hug him and tell him I still loved him too. In reality I still stood there inanimate. 

I heard footsteps in the midst of Fundy quietly sobbing. Out of reflex, I ran toward the source of the noise, and cut her throat open before she could see the dead bodies on the floor.

I did not realise that this would teleport us to the next launch pods.

I did not manage to say any last words to Fundy.

This time, I really thought it was over.

This game I was an impostor. Not with Fundy.

Which meant at most one of us would survive this.

The moment we were released, I went to him and grabbed his wrist. He was startled, the key in his hand dropping onto the floor. Then he tried to shake me off, and failed.

I pulled him into the storage room and shut the doors behind us. He was still too overwhelmed and didn’t object to my actions nor realise I could sabotage.

I released him. He didn’t run away, but looked back at me silently, not blushing or even showing any emotion at all.

‘Fundy, this took us too long.’

I took a deep breath and forced into me the courage needed to face him.

‘I love you too. I don’t know why didn’t I say anything last time. I love you, Fundy. I do. I really do.’

I felt the hurried need to explain myself to him, as he was still silent and seemingly emotionless.

At that moment I could feel his despair when he was in my place last game.

‘I’m sorry Fundy.’

We stayed silent for a long time. I have said everything I wanted to say, and waited for him to say something. Finally, he did.

‘I don’t think there should be anything between us. I’m not confident that we’ll meet again.’

He sounded calm, but there was a thunderous storm beating his heart, I could hear it.

‘5up, I think we have run out of luck. It’s already the eighth game, it’s already a miracle that we are both here again. I don’t know, maybe we should try and drop this.’

‘We’re both holding onto this too tight. You know this, and I know this. I love you, but let’s never talk about it from now on.’

He turned towards the door of the storage room, but paused, and turned back to me.

‘Actually, 5up, I want you to kiss me again. Just once.’

It turned out to be more than a quick kiss. In the end, I sat on a crate, and he leaned in my arms, his head resting on my shoulder. His hair tickled my chin, and his fox ears perked up, cute as ever.

I really wanted to hold onto this for longer, but I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I knew this better than him. 

At most one of us could win. Either the crewmate him, or the imposter me.

I tilted my head and kissed his forehead lightly, the snowman hair clip sliding sideways on my head.

‘Fundy, there’s something you’ll want to know.’

I took my knife out of my pocket, its silvery, virtual blade reflecting the dim light in the storage. He looked at the knife, then at me, his eyes filled with disbelief.

‘Tell me you want to survive, and I’ll frame the other imposter and vote her off next round. It’s the girl in the yellow suit. Then I’ll vent in front of people.’

I knew that what I did practically settled my fate of burning to my death in lava. I also knew that if this meant that Fundy would live on, I would happily accept it.

‘Fundy, only one of us can survive this game. You said let’s drop this love between us, so do it. You have all the information you need to win. The imposters are me and Hafu. Go for it.’

Before he could answer, a meeting teleported us to the meeting room. Thankfully we were dressed neatly enough.

I didn’t know how were we suspicious, Fundy and I. Two people were dead, all by Hafu, and they only found one body. Therefore somehow ‘pink and orange are suspicious because none of us had seen them anywhere’.

DK was pushing particularly hard on this.

‘So what tasks did you do orange?’

I was going to say that Hafu was suspicious for this and that, but Fundy spoke before I could. 

‘I had wires, then cleaning the trash chute, then…’

‘It’s orange.’

He didn’t just. He fucking didn’t. He didn’t just say wires knowing full well as a crewmate that wires didn’t need to be fixed that round. 

I was going to give him the ticket to life, but he just gave me mine.

Paying the price of his life.

I couldn’t even justify anything for him. He straight up lied about a common task in the most serious tone I’d ever heard him. 

All I could do was to look the other way when they carried him to the lava pool, forced to follow along, forced to see him look at me one last time with a painful smile.

Fundy. This fucking liar that told me that he was over this. That we should drop this love we shared. 

There didn’t even seem to be a point in surviving anymore. I wouldn’t ever see him again in another launch pod. Never. There was no more hope supporting me to live through games and no more miracles to pray for.

In front of all these crewmates and a furious Hafu, I climbed into a vent.

Hafu was the one that called the emergency to vote me out, knowing that I’m unsalvageable. That was great, she would live on, and kill all these people that voted for Fundy during the last meeting.

All those people that murdered Fundy. My Fundy. All of them deserved to die.

Myself included. If I never told him it was me, he wouldn’t have sacrificed himself for me, and I could somehow arrange this so that I get caught at the last second.

But, well, I was indeed heading off to my death. And, to be honest, I was glad.

If I wanted to punish myself, the best way would be to live on. I was a coward. I didn’t want to live on.

All I wanted was Fundy.

Surprisingly the lava was not hot, like I believed. It didn’t hurt. I sank down in the lava pool, seemingly endlessly deep, and I was starting to feel myself suffocating in it.

I became disoriented, my head dizzy, my mind fading out into hallucinations, then nothingness, a pure white void.

I twitched, my eyelids snapping open. I’ve never had a nightmare in ages, but I was pretty sure I just experienced one. I couldn’t remember the content of it, but it was roughly something like me and my boyfriend being thrown into a hunger game arena thing and one of us died.

The bedside clock said it was four in the morning. Fundy was still soundly asleep next to me, not disturbed by me suddenly sitting up. However, me laying back down somehow woke him up.

‘What’s up?’ he mumbled, nowhere near fully awake. I chuckled and shuffled closer to him.

‘Nothing. Just a bad dream.’

He grabbed one of my arms like it was a stuffed animal, and didn’t ask more before drifting back to sleep again.

I might as well be the happiest person ever.