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When Oikawa Tooru was in first grade they were practicing for a performance the school would be putting one. He remembered feeling excited, wanting to do his best.
When they started to sing together, a little girl standing in front of him whipped her head around at him with a glare and said “Stop singing so loud! You’re just too much Tooru.” He wasnt sure what that meant, but after that he just mouthed the words to every song, trying to make himself as small as possible.
Unfortunately that never worked out for him. He always just felt things big. Whether it was excitement over his first volleyball, fear over some gross bug Iwaizumi chased him with, or jealousy over someone getting something he wanted. To Tooru, everything in life felt big. He didn’t realize until much later that not everyone felt that way.
He did learn at a young age that many of the things he did were annoying or overwhelming. When he talked he always was being told he was too loud. When he gestured people would stop him in fear of getting hit. And when he would get excited about something, people would laugh at him for it.
At first he tried to hide his big things. He tried to act like he didn’t care about anything, and to talk less and quieter. He tried to be less, smaller. But it just never worked. So instead, he pretended nothing anyone said to him mattered. He thought that if he acted untouchable long enough, people would think he really was. And it worked on everyone around him. Well, except for one person.
“Cut it out Shittykawa!” Iwaizumi said one day after school, sitting at the desk in his room.
Oikawa looked up from where he’d been laying on Iwaizumi’s bed, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“If you don’t stop with that stupid fucking fake smile I’m going to head-butt you.” Iwaizumi threatened. The look in his eyes showed he meant business.
Oikawa’s smile fell, and with it tears started to fill up. This is what happened when he let the wall down. He fought to keep it up, but when it did finally fall it fell hard. Which is why that normally didn’t happen until he was alone. He quickly wiped the tears away while pretending to check his phone.
Iwaizumi’s expression softened. “I know what that girl said hurt you. But who cares what she thinks right?”
Oikawa never told Iwaizumi why the walls were built. They had been friends ever since they could walk, but all Iwaizumi knew was one day Oikawa would come to him crying over something someone said, and then he never did it again.
“You really think I care what she think? Please Iwa-Chan. I have way more important things to worry about.” He was sure Iwaizumi saw through it, so he faked a text from his mom saying he had to go, and booked it out of there, knowing one day Iwaizumi wouldn’t let him off the hook.
That was years ago, and now Oikawa was in college, but he still never told Iwaizumi about it. He told him how he felt, after drinking too much of his moms vodka and accidentally spilling his guts. Telling him how he’d loved Iwaizumi ever since he could remember. Iwaizumi kissed him, and that was that. They shared an apartment, a cat, and love, but still not his secret.
Oikawa wasn’t sure why he didn’t tell him. It’s not that he didn’t trust Iwaizumi, or thought he would make fun of him. If anything Iwaizumi was one of the most kind and understanding people Oikawa had ever known. He was a great listener, extremely attentive, and always tried to understand where Oikawa was coming from.
No Iwaizumi was amazing, but Oikawa was scared. He didn’t want anyone to know how much he disliked himself. To see the self loathing of this thing he couldn’t change no matter how hard he tried. Iwaizumi had accepted every part Oikawa had shown him, he didn’t want to make him accept this part.
“Hey babe, I’m home.” Oikawa heard from the door one evening when Iwaizumi returned from class. Oikawa had been crying over a criticism his professor had given him about a project he had done. A project he had worked his ass off on and was proud of. He quickly wiped his eyes, ran to the bathroom and started the shower. He took his clothes off as fast as he could and got in, hoping he would have some time to let his puffy eyes get back to normal.
Unfortunately less than a minute later he heard the bathroom door open.
“Tooru?”
“Yes?” He cleared his throat, hoping it didn’t sound too scratchy.
As he prayed to whatever god was listening that Hajime didn’t pull back the curtain to join him, he heard a ruffling of clothes, and then felt cool air on him as his boyfriend came into view.
“Iwa-Chan! It’s cold!”
“Fuck, I know! Move over you’re-“
Oikawa wasn’t looking in Iwaizumi’s eyes, but he knew when he heard him stop mid sentence what he would find.
When he did look up he confirmed it. Iwaizumi was looking at him like he was trying to see into his soul. Oikawa went to look away again, but this time his face was held still by two strong calloused hands.
“Why were you crying?” Iwaizumi said, and Oikawa wondered how he could ever be stupid enough to think Iwaizumi wouldn’t notice.
Oikawa gave a fake laugh, that turned Iwaizumi’s neutral expression into a frown.
“What? I wasn’t-“
“I swear to god Tooru if you lie to me I will fight you.”
“Seriously resorting to violence? I thought you’d matured past that?” Oikawa said, turning away from Iwaizumi to get the shampoo, and avoid that penatrating stare.
“Please don’t do this.” He heard from behind him. The words affected him, but it was the tone that had him turning back around.
Iwaizumi was looking at him with so much sadness it broke Oikawa’s heart.
Iwaizumi took the shampoo, squirted some into his hand, and started rubbing it into Oikawa’s scalp.
“Why don’t you let me in? We’ve been together since we could walk. We’ve been best friends almost as long, and dating for the past 4 years. Why do you push me away?”
Oikawa didn’t have an answer for that, at least not one he was willing to give. So he stayed silent.
Iwaizumi gently pushed Oikawa under the stream of water, washing the shampoo out, and when he was done he whispered “please?”
Oikawa’s eyes started to fill with tears, torn between keeping his ugly parts hidden and hurting the love of his life. He put his forehead on Iwaizumi’s shoulder and whispered “I can’t.”
He felt Iwaizumi’s chest heave a sigh, and when he lifted his head up, Iwaizumi was already walking out of the shower, leaving him alone with his secrets.
After a night of very few words, Oikawa laid in bed wondering for the hundredth time why he was like this. Why peoples words and thoughts about him mattered so much, when the people themselves didn’t.
He was laying facing the wall, knowing if he turned around he would find Iwaizumi facing away from him pretending to be asleep too.
As he laid there miserable, he tried to think of the first time he felt accepted.
They were around 8, sitting on Iwaizumi’s bed. The night before Oikawa had watched a documentary with his mom about aliens and couldn’t stop thinking about it.
“Iwa-Chan you don’t understand! The aliens are out there watching us right now!” Oikawa gestured wildly, falling back on the bed.
He heard laughing and prepared himself to put up his shield, but when he looked at Iwaizumi, the other boy was looking at him with fondness.
“You’re such a dork.” Iwaizumi said, smiling and shaking his head. When he noticed Oikawa looking back at him seeming unsure he added “but I like it.”
That was the first time Oikawa felt like he didn’t have to pretend to be less, or fake that it didn’t matter what Iwaizumi thought. Honestly he wasn’t sure he could do it with his best friend. Everyone else he could hide from, but not his Iwa-Chan.
Snapped back out of his thoughts, he rolled over facing Iwaizumi’s back, feeling apprehensive but wanting to fix this. He couldn’t help but stare for a second at the wild almost black hair that had gotten longer recently, and the wide strong back that he loved so much. He tentatively put his hand out and started tracing the ridges there. At first it caused Iwaizumi to tense, but then he visibly relaxed, allowing Oikawa to continue his actions. He then ran his hand up and into Iwaizumi’s hair, running his fingers through it softly.
When Iwaizumi didn’t push him away, Oikawa slowly scooter closer to him, one hand still in his hair, and reached the other to lay softly on Iwaizumi’s waist.
“I love you, you giant fucking idiot. But you can’t keep things from me. I get it, you need time or whatever, but eventually you’re going to have to tell me.” Iwaizumi said without turning toward him.
“I know.” Oikawa said in a small voice.
“It hurts that you don’t feel like you can talk to me.” Iwaizumi said, in a voice full of sadness.
“I know.” Oikawa nuzzled into Iwaizumi’s neck. “I’m sorry.”
He felt Iwaizumi lace his fingers with Oikawa’s hand that was around his waist. “I know.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After that Oikawa went back to pretending, but he had to add pretending their relationship was fine to that list. He knew he was hurting Iwaizumi, and he knew he wasn’t ready to do anything about it yet, so instead he acted like nothing was wrong.
The problem with that was , Iwaizumi was terrible at hiding his feelings. Oikawa was trying so hard to pretend everything was okay, when Iwaizumi wasn’t at all. He would still give Oikawa a kiss when he got home, ask him how his day was. He would talk to him through dinner and watch a stupid movie with him after, but it wasn’t the same. He didn’t touch Oikawa as much, or smile as much.
One day at volleyball practice Oikawa was trying to think up a plan to cheer Iwaizumi up. One that didn’t involve him sharing the things he hid for so long. He was walking back to the locker room when he heard two of teammates talking. He was about to turn the corner and say something to them when he heard his name.
“I just don’t know why he thinks he’s so special. I mean we get it, you’re a good setter, but you’re not the star of the fucking show.”
The other laughed “right? We’re a team not one person. It seems like Oikawa thinks he’s the best thing to grace this school, but he’s not even the best player on the team.”
Then suddenly they stopped talking, like they’d been caught, and there were heavy footsteps walking toward them. “Hey who the fuck do you assholes think you are?”
Oikawa’s eyes went wide, and he fell to the ground covering his mouth. The only thing worse than people shit talking him, was Iwaizumi overhearing it.
There was silence from the other two, and Iwaizumi added “I think your coach would love to hear you’ve been talking shit about your teammates, don’t you?”
Oikawa couldn’t see them, but he assumed they were shaking their heads because then Iwaizumi was saying “if I ever hear you two talk about him again I will beat the shit out of both of you. Now get out of here before he sees you.”
Then their were fast foot steps with hurried l. Oikawa suddenly started to panic because he knew Iwaizumi would be headed toward him, and Oikawa was currently crumpled on the floor with tears streaming down his face. He was about to get up and try to run when Iwaizumi turned the corner.
He stopped abruptly when he saw Oikawa on the floor, his anger was still present but it softened a bit when he saw Oikawa’s face. “Hey, about what those guys said-“
“What guys? I didn’t hear anything. Was something saying something about how great I am again?” Oikawa put on his best fake smile, the one Iwaizumi hated.
“Goddamit. Never mind.” Iwaizumi turned around, going to leave.
“Wait! Please don’t go. Just give me a second I’ll come with you.” Oikawa said, desperately trying to get up and get his things, but Iwaizumi was already gone.
Oikawa felt full panic in that moment. Maybe Iwaizumi was done with him finally. It wouldn’t be surprising honestly. Oikawa always wondered how a guy like Iwaizumi could like him. But that didn’t stop him from being terrified of it.
He picked up his things as quickly as possible and started running. Iwaizumi was nowhere to be found so he headed to the apartment hoping he would be there.
When he got there Iwaizumi was in the kitchen getting ingredients for dinner out. Oikawa knew he had heard the door open and close, not to add Oikawa’s panting from running home, but Iwaizumi didn’t acknowledge him.
He thought about trying to bring it up, but he was so scared it would end with Iwaizumi leaving he decided to ignore it.
“Do you need help?”
“No.” Iwaizumi said without turning around.
“Are you sure? I make a great sous-chef.”
“I’m sure. Go take a shower it’ll be ready when you’re done.”
Oikawa walked toward their bedroom shaking. He was sure this was the moment Iwaizumi would say he wasn’t worth it. He was probably tired of how much Oikawa was. Of his pettiness and jealousy. Of his ridiculous need to be the best, and his constant anger at himself he wasn’t.
Iwaizumi was amazing, and Oikawa had never been good enough for him. He was patient and strong. He kept a level head at almost all times, and was a fierce protector for those he cared about. Iwaizumi was so many good things, when Oikawa was full of bad.
He hurried up and took his shower, got dressed and headed back to the kitchen. Iwaizumi was already eating, but had put a plate out for Oikawa.
“Thanks Iwa-Chan!” He tried to muster his happy voice, but it cracked as the fear of losing Iwaizumi seeped in.
Iwaizumi just nodded, but didn’t lift his head up to look at him. He didn’t look at him through dinner or when Oikawa picked up the plates to do the dishes. He didn’t look at him as they both got their school books out and started studying. Or when they finally put them away, and went to brush their teeth.
Iwaizumi left the bathroom first, and that’s when Oikawa finally let the tears fall. He fell to the ground and held onto his knees while sobbing. He tried his best to keep it as quiet as possible, but was sure it wasn’t working. When he felt the tears had finally stopped, he stood up, splashed his face with water a few times, and walked into their bedroom.
He expected to find Iwaizumi already laying down turned away from him, but instead he was sitting up staring at Oikawa, obviously waiting for him.
Oikawa looked everywhere but in his eyes, knowing Iwaizumi could see his splotchy red face.
He stood there for a second wondering what he should do when he heard Iwaizumi’s voice. “You’re smart.”
Oikawa’s brow furrowed, and he found Iwaizumi’s eyes then, looking back at him with that same fondness he had their whole life’s. “Huh?” Was all he could get out.
“I said you’re smart. Really smart. And strong. You have this willpower to get the things you want, and the work ethic to back it up. You’re so passionate about the things you care about it’s inspiring.”
Oikawa was starting to squirm where he stood, not knowing what to do with this attention.
“Iwa-“
Iwaizumi shook his head to stop him. Then kept going. “You love people fiercely, so much so you’re afraid to show the broken parts because you’re terrified they won’t accept them. You are resilient and have never let obstacles stop you. You’re smile, the real one, is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. You’re so sexy it’s painful to resist you sometimes. But you’re also adorable, especially in your stupid alien pajamas and slippers.”He laughed a little to himself and shook his head at that.
Oikawa was still frozen in his spot, but his cheeks were bright red. He wasnt sure what to do now so he waited.
Iwaizumi stuck his hand out, and waited for Oikawa to come to him before he pulled him down on the bed next to him, keeping their hands interlaced and rubbing small circles on Oikawa’s palm.
“I know you heard what those guys said about you. And I can bet something like that happened a few weeks ago when you wouldn’t tell me about it, right?” Oikawa was about to fight it, but when he thought back to Iwaizumi’s words he just nodded.
Iwaizumi squeezed his hand a little bit. “I’m sorry they said that. And I’m sorry it gets to you that much when people do. That must be really hard.”
That was not what he had expected. Iwaizumi was a tough love kind of guy most of the time, so this blindsided him. Maybe that was why it tore his walls down, and Oikawa started bawling. As soon as the tears started falling Iwaizumi pulled him close in a tight hug, letting him lean on his shoulder.
For once Oikawa didn’t want to try to make himself stop. To make the tears fry up as fast as possible and smile, saying he was fine. Instead he just let himself feel whatever bad stuff he was feeling. He hadn’t planned on letting it out, but Iwaizumi found a way to force it out, like he normally did.
Iwaizumi was still holding onto him, rubbing circles on his back whispering small confirmations like “I love you”, “I’m not going anywhere” and “you are amazing”. After what felt like hours the tears finally stopped. Iwaizumi went to pull back, but Oikawa wasn’t ready to look him in the eye yet, so he held tight to Iwaizumi’s shirt to keep him there.
He prepared himself to say the things he never verbalized before. If Iwaizumi could be vulnerable with him, then Oikawa had to do the same. Iwaizumi deserved that. “I don’t know why it matters so much, but it always has. At first I tried to change but it didn’t work. So then I just pretended I didn’t care. But I do care. I hate hearing people say those things because it just confirms what I’m afraid of. That all the bad things I think about myself are true.”
Iwaizumi was silent for a minute, seeming to think about what Oikawa had finally admitted out loud. He held tight to Oikawa, and kissed the top of his head. “I want to help you with that, if you’ll let me.”
Oikawa slowly lifted his head up, and when he did Iwaizumi gave him a small smile. Oikawa was so sure when he finally let it out Iwaizumi would run away, realizing just how fucked up Oikawa was, so this had him feeling lost. “Why?”
Iwaizumi’s smile grew, and he flicked Oikawa on the forehead, quickly kissing the spot after “becaus I love you, you complete moron.”
Oikawa couldn’t help the watery smile that formed on his face. A few new tears fell, that Iwaizumi quickly caught and wiped off. Oikawa drew their faces together and rested his forehead against Iwaizumi’s. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hid this from you and hurt you. I was scared you would leave if you knew just how broken I was.” He felt a weight lift off his chest with the final, ugly confession.
“I know. But I’m not leaving you, Oikawa. No matter how broken you think you are, I will always be here to help you pick up the pieces, you just have to let me, deal?”
Iwazumi leaned in and kissed his cheek, then his eyes, and then his nose. The last one tickled, causing oikawa to giggle a little. “Deal.”
Iwaizumi grabbed Oikawa’s shoulders, and fell back onto the bed with an oomph. He shimmied the blanket out from under them and covered them up. Oikawa situated his head on Iwaizumi’s chest, placing small kisses there and running his hands up and down the smooth skin. Then he whispered, almost hoping Iwaizumi couldn’t hear him, “I don’t know how to love myself.”
He felt a kiss pressed to his head and a hand start rubbing down his back. “We can work on that. For now, I’ll love you enough for both of us.”
For the first time in maybe his whole life, Oikawa felt like he could just maybe share all of himself with someone, and that was the best feeling in the world.