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This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved: Capes

The Startling Secret Identity of The Batman

Ryan: Good evening, super-sleuths! Boy do we have a treat for you today. We’re delving into one of the biggest unsolved mysteries of the modern era. The million-dollar question.

[giggle]

Ryan: The billion-dollar question, if one of these theories holds water.

Shane: Oh, boy.

Ryan: That’s right. We’re gonna risk life, limb and sanity by asking the question… who is Batman?

Shane: Yeah, we’re definitely gonna crack that mystery.

Ryan: I mean… the name of the show is unsolved…

Shane: Our lofty aims are to pull the right name out of a hat for the most closely guarded secret identity in the world.

Ryan: I mean, maybe it’s so closely guarded because it’s obvious as hell?

Shane: Does that… does that seem accurate?

Ryan: I mean, why else would he hide his face so diligently?

Shane: Maybe he’s self-conscious! Like, you know that Batman isn’t actually a known figure. Ain’t nobody got time for that. But it just feels kind of gross thinking of Batman as some average schlub, you know? No one wants to picture him sitting alone in his one-bedroom shithole eating beans out of a can.

Ryan: It really takes the romance out of it for me.

Shane: You’re romanticizing Batman? Ryan, are you gonna try to romance the Bat? Is that why you wanna figure out what’s under that big scary mask? [kissy face]

Ryan: Shane, if Batman shows up in your house and breaks your teeth, you deserve it.

Shane: I welcome him to try.

THEORY 1: The Professional

Ryan: So this theory is flexible, but I enjoy it a lot. There’s a lot of chatter on the ole interwebs that led me to this one.

Shane: Flexible doesn’t sound definitive. I thought we wanted to put a name and a face to the Dark Knight.

Ryan: We’re gonna do our darndest. My first theory hinges on the fact that Batman is built like a brick shithouse.

Shane: That’s universally agreed, yeah.

Ryan: Who else is built like a brick shithouse?

Shane: Um. Any number of--

Ryan: [interrupting] Here’s a clue: we can smell what he’s cookin’.

Shane: No.

Ryan: That’s right, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Shane: Like, I’ll give you the fact that he’s definitely shredded enough to be Batman, but isn’t he a little, you know, busy? I feel like you wouldn’t have time to pursue an acting career if you were moonlighting as the world’s best-known vigilante.

Ryan: But that’s the brilliance of this theory. No one would suspect him!

Shane: Doesn’t he live… not in Gotham? And like, he’s Hawaiian, right? Why would he give a shit about some craphole in New Jersey?

Ryan: Are you insinuating that The Rock would just let a whole city crumble into lawlessness if he had the means and ability to save it?

Shane: Yes, yes, I am. And besides, he’s not giving the people’s eyebrow in that costume.

Ryan: But that’s the brilliance of the uniform design. He could be giving everyone the people’s eyebrow all the time and we wouldn’t notice.

Shane: And like… not to be that guy or anything but… isn’t Batman a little too white?

Ryan: Yeah, that’s one flaw in that theory.

Shane: I mean, the entire concept of dressing up as a freaking bat and punching crime in the face is peak white nonsense. I am also a firm believer that Batman is a big fan of like, Bauhaus. Dude’s a goth-ass bastard if I’ve ever seen one.

Ryan: Noted. I’m going to be honest, I think that the most likely realistic Batman suspect would be someone in a similar field to The Rock, but like… a retired MMA fighter or something. Some dude who is jacked as hell, suddenly has free time, and has a grudge against society.

Shane: Yeah, that scans.

Ryan: But I’m trying to lend credence to several theories I’ve come across. I’ll throw another one out, though this one doesn’t deserve a full theory placard. This consideration in the field of Non-Gothamite Celebrities That Twitter Suspects To Be Batman is Oliver Queen.

[picture of blond man with moustache and goatee]

Shane: ...you’re fucking kidding me, right?

Ryan: He has very muscular arms for a businessman.

Shane: The only part of Batman’s skin we can see is his mouth. This dude is running around with the most distinct facial hair since Burt Reynolds. I refuse to spend any time discussing this as a real possibility.

Ryan: I’m just trying to give voice to all the popular theories out there.

Shane: Did Oliver Queen himself post that theory? It’s a dud, Ryan.

Ryan: I mean, none of the theories are really amazing, if we’re gonna be honest here.

Shane: Besides, that dude is clearly Green Arrow.

Ryan: Huh. Yeah, you’re right.

Shane: And on a personal note, it makes me weirdly uncomfortable to picture Batman as a blond? Is that… is that prejudiced of me? Somehow? I just don’t like picturing him pulling off his bat-ears to unleash flowing blond hair.

Ryan: What kind of hair do you think Batman has?

Shane: Well, uh… I guess I would think some sort of buzzcut? Wouldn’t he get like serious hat-hair otherwise? Oh no. What if Batman is balding? What if he chose that look specifically to hide his chrome dome?

Ryan: There’s nothing wrong with male pattern baldness, Shane.

Shane: Still makes me uncomfortable to imagine. Maybe I’m just uncomfortable with Batman being like… a person.

Ryan: This is gonna be an uncomfortable episode for you, then.

THEORY 2: The Fugitive

Ryan: Hold onto your socks for this one, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Shane: Did you just mix metaphors? On this refined show?

Ryan: Our second major contender for the title of Batman is… [does dramatic drumroll on table] ...D.B. Cooper!

Shane: The plane guy? The one who fell into a swamp?

Ryan: It wasn’t a swamp, and it’s unproven that he fell into it. What is proven is that we have a man who was willing to go big or go home, who disappeared with a large sum of money, who had the panache for drama that transforming oneself into Batman would require….

Shane: I hate that I don’t hate this theory.

Ryan: Just picture it. There’s ole Deebs, wandering through the woods with his ill-gotten gains, thinking to himself, ‘What now?’ and lo and behold… a bat! Silhouetted against the moon!

Shane: So he takes that as a sign?

Ryan: He takes it as a goddamn sign, and he devotes his money and talents to a new pursuit, now that he’s reached as high as the hijacking trade can take you. He becomes… The Batman!

Shane: My only issue with this, actually, is that ole Deebs isn’t quite the whippersnapper that Batman has to be.

Ryan: Do you really think Batman is a whippersnapper?

Shane: I mean. I assume? I wouldn’t think that he could do all that hero-ing if he had bad knees or his back was prone to giving out.

Ryan: I think rich people can just… opt out of that.

Shane: Do you. Do you think Batman just buys new knees when he wears his out?

Ryan: Kinda, yeah.

Shane: So Deebs has the money and the time… not totally sold on the motivation, but… eh!

Ryan: Two out of three ain’t bad.

THEORY 3: The Playboy

Ryan: This theory is my personal favorite, if only because it’s fucking hilarious and also… this is a public figure I could dig up a lot of dirt on.

Shane: Axl Rose! No, wait… John Travolta!

Ryan: I… what?

Shane: Just giving the ole guesseroo. Carry on.

Ryan: My third theoretical Batman is none other than Gotham’s sweetheart…. [drumrolls on table] Bruce Wayne!

Shane: Oh.

Ryan: What?

Shane: I thought, you know. You usually have a theory with some meat to it.

Ryan: Bruce Wayne has meat.

Shane: I feel like his meat is… not beefy enough to be Batman. Bruce Wayne’s more of a hot dog, y’know? Batman’s a wholeass steak.

Ryan: But what if the hot dogging is just an elaborate front? A guise, if you will.

Shane: That’s a whole lotta fronting.

Ryan: Just stick with me here. There are a lot of layers here. You have this kid with literally the entire world at his fingertips, and I believe he chose to be the change he wanted to see in the world.

Shane: So like… little spoiled rich boy just woke up one morning and chose violence?

Ryan: I mean… I assume it was deeper than that. Bruce Wayne is a bit of a strange guy, when you look at it. Born into incredible wealth, his parents were both from these old-money Gotham families.

Shane: Like the mob? Isn’t all Gotham money mob money?

Ryan: Now, maybe, but not back then! Martha Kane was a socialite known for being a bit of a hardass. She married Thomas Wayne, a surgeon who owned the freaking hospital.

Shane: What, did he just like cutting people up? Why would you choose one of the most grueling jobs possible when you were already rich as hell?

Ryan: I’m going to go out on a limb and say that famous philanthropist Thomas Wayne did not, actually, go to medical school and become a surgeon because he liked cutting people up.

Shane: That’s what he wanted you to think.

Ryan: Moving on. Bruce Wayne was their only child, and when he was eight, his parents were shot and murdered in front of him in Crime Alley.

Shane: Who the fuck was in charge of naming shit in Gotham? Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. Is there also a Murder Avenue? A Robbery Road?

Ryan: I think my focus here was more on the trauma and the tragedy of two successful people being murdered for basically no reason at all in front of their young son...

Shane: Well, you shouldn’t have said the words Crime Alley then. Jesus. Why does anyone live in Gotham at all?

Ryan: Young Bruce was then transferred to the custody of their butler--

Shane: Wait. Wait. Wait.

Ryan: Yes?

Shane: You’re telling me that they looked around for parents for this shiny new billionaire orphan, and said, “I know! Let’s let the butler do it!”

Ryan: That is exactly what happened, yes.

Shane: Did the butler love him though? Was he secretly Bruce’s real father? Oh man. I bet he was. Thomas Wayne, workin’ long nights at the hospital chopping into people, and there’s hot-to-trot Martha, looking around her big lonely mansion….

Ryan: We’re gonna get sued so hard. Probably Bruce Wayne is going to buy youtube and perma-ban us. We’re gonna have to work fast food after this.

Shane: I’m just saying! It’s a fishy situation.

Ryan: Moving on! So we have on our hands a highly traumatized child who grows up with the wealth to accomplish pretty much anything he sets his mind on… and he becomes just this buffoon who falls into fountains and crashes fancy cars?

Shane: I mean, I’m pretty sure that he does a lot of charity, too. Isn’t Bruce Wayne like, New Jersey’s answer to Dolly Parton? All glitz and tits, but also into doing public works?

Ryan: He is, but wouldn’t he be even more of a Dolly if we found out that he was also Batman?

Shane: Actually what would be cool would be if he opened his own theme park. Like instead of Dollywood--

Ryan: Brucewood? Sounds like a Yankee Candle.

Shane: Wayne’s World! Holy shit. Brucie, if you’re watching this and aren’t mad about insinuations I made about your mother, pay me for the idea of opening your own theme park and naming it Wayne’s World.

Ryan: So anyway, moving on, the weird thing about Bruce Wayne is that when he just fucked off for like, years.

Shane: What do you mean, fucked off for years?

Ryan: I mean that ole Brucie-Bruce took off from Gotham and no one saw or heard from him for actual years, then he just came back to town and pretended like he’d never disappeared.

Shane: Maybe he didn’t. Maybe he just decided to live the hermit lifestyle and then once he got tired of his house, he went back outside again. It’s probably a big-ass house. Maybe he got lost in it.

Ryan: How is that less weird than fucking off to who knows where?

Shane: You know my role here is to offer practical explanations for things. That’s my explanation. Take it or leave it.

Ryan: The point is, this rich kid, who by all accounts was kind of a nerd in school, took off into the world, no one saw or heard from him for multiple years, then he came back the Bruce Wayne we know today.

Shane: How does his himbofication tie into your Batman theory?

Ryan: I’m saying that maybe, the himbo thing is a front, and he was off training to be Batman and, I don’t know, trying out different uniform styles? Learning how to make people gargle teeth? Practicing cape swishes in front of the mirror?

Shane: Oh, yes, the ole spend your every waking moment pretending to be a fucking moron just so you can make some crime-doers gargle some teeth at night when you could instead be in your hot tub eating mountains of sushi. Makes sense.

Ryan: Like, if you think about the implications of this theory, it’s honestly fucking hilarious. Like, does he lie to his butler-daddy about what he’s up to? Gets home from a big night of bustin’ heads and breakin’ bones and has to fib about where he’s been? Is Batman sneaking into his own window at night?

Shane: [giggles] Butler-daddy giving him the ole why I oughta! when he catches Brucie-Bats climbing into the window. This theory is obviously garbage but I’m loving it.

Ryan: No, but… we all remember the Lex Luther thing, right? From that celebrity golf thing? Where Bruce fuckin’ Wayne accidentally did a practice swing of his nine-iron right into Luthor’s family jewels?

[screenshot of a headline: Billionaire Ball-Buster]
[image of Bruce Wayne with an oopsie face standing over Lex Luthor, curled up on the putting green, clutching his nether region]

Shane: I definitely remember that Bruce Wayne pulled a fuckin’ Steve Urkel Did I do that? after, then offered Luthor a hand-up calling him old sport, and like, at the time, it was just this hilarious thing where an idiot finally got the best of a supervillain just by… swanning along being an idiot

Ryan: But what if… What if this theory holds true. What if Bruce Wayne is, in fact, the goddamn Batman.

Shane: Well, Ryan, that would mean that Lexie-baby got a boot to the fruit by none other than Batman himself, and then apologized for it, which makes it even fuckin’ funnier than it was before.

Ryan: Like, if we didn’t think he was a hero before

Shane: Goddamn legend is what he is

Ryan: Definitely the redeeming factor of this theory is that in order for it to be true, Batman can’t be just this grim nightmare spectre of a vigilante. He has to be this hilarious son of a bitch, too.

Shane: Can you imagine how much that would fuck with the Joker? Like talk about having the rug pulled out from under you. Like, guess what, buckaroo, I’ve been funny the entire goddamn time

Ryan: Can you imagine? Your whole schtick is being this unfunny chaos clown and it turns out... [snort] It turns out… that your stoic dark knight of vengeance? Has been clowning you.

[wheeze]

Shane: Like, you’d just have to fuck off forever at that point, right? There’s no coming back from that. You gotta throw away the whole shebang.

Ryan: Seriously though. Like, imagine knowing that you’ve had your teeth smashed out multiple times by someone who was better at your schtick than you were and who never even bothered to tell anyone.

Shane: Really your only choice at that point would be to curl up and die

Ryan: We can only hope

Shane: Wait, wait, wait. Speaking of schticks…

Ryan: What?

Shane: Didn’t Bruce adopt a circus-orphan? Like. that was a thing that happened. Hang on, I’m gonna fuckin’ google…

Ryan: No need, Shane-eroni. I have all the pertinent facts to the case.

Shane: Please tell me that Batman has a clown-child. Please tell me that even his kid can out-schtick the Joker. That’s all I need out of this episode. That’s all any of us need.

Ryan: It’s actually better than that, really.

Shane: Nothing could be better than a clown-baby, Ryan, don’t be ridiculous. Imagine how fuckin’ terrifying that would be. No wonder nothing intimidates the Batman, if he goes home to a little baby clown honking around his mansion.

Ryan: It was a baby trapeze artist, actually.

Shane: Oh. [pause] That’s kind of disappointing, actually, I was really getting into picturing the clown baby. Little wig all askew, giant shoes on teensy feet…

Ryan: Shane. Think about it. Who hangs out with Batman?

Shane: Superman?

Ryan: [facepalm] Think smaller.

Shane: Oh! That lil dude! Robin!

Ryan: Wouldn’t it be handy if, say, Robin were capable of doing death-defying stunts? Like a baby trapeze artist would?

Shane: Yeah, but that would be like. Irresponsible. There aren’t safety nets in Gotham. I always assumed that Robin was like... A tiny man. Or had superpowers.

Ryan: Okay, I hate to be the buzzkill, but… I’ve got some unfortunate news about how our baby trapeze artist became an orphan

Shane: Oh no. I forgot about the orphaning part of being an orphan.

Ryan: Check your privilege, Shane.

Shane: So sorry, baby trapeze artist, if you’re watching this. Hope that you’re doing okay with your billionaire daddy.

Ryan: Shane, how did you manage to make it worse?

Shane: Shit. Can we just move on to the next theory?

THEORY 3.2: Sidekick Supermarket

Shane: Wait, theories can have decimals? What is this whackadoodle nonsense?

Ryan: Well, it’s a sub-theory. A theory related to the Bruce-Wayne-is-Batman theory.

Shane: Well, beguile us.

Ryan: Be--- no. No, I will not beguile you, but I will bedazzle you with my wits. See, this is an image of The Flying Graysons.

[image of a circus poster featuring trapeze artists]

Shane: Nice form.

Ryan: And nice uni-forms. Notice anything about the color scheme?

Shane: They like Christmas?

Ryan: No! It’s the same colors as the OG Robin uniform! Look at this shit.

Shane: I mean… yeah, but they are ALSO Christmas colors. It’s not like Batman filed a patent for the color scheme. They’re fucking primary colors. It’s every kindergarten classroom, all splashed onto one horrifyingly cheeky uniform.

Ryan: Green isn’t a primary color.

Shane: You know what I fuckin’ meant, smartass.

[image of Robin]

Ryan: You don’t think that this dude grew up in a circus? You don’t think that this isn’t the outfit choice of someone raised by clowns?

Shane: I mean, valid. But if he’s an orphan, it probably isn’t okay to make fun of him like…

Ryan: You do realize Bruce Wayne is an orphan too, right?

Shane: ...but I don’t wanna stop making fun of Bruce Wayne.

Ryan: So we just acknowledge that we’re terrible people and continue with our mockery?

Shane: Done and done.

Ryan: So the Bruce Wayne is Batman theory also leads to the sub-theory--

Shane: --decimal theory! --

Ryan: That he subsequently adopts children who are recruited into his habit of vigilantism.

Shane: Like he’s visiting the Sidekick Supermarket and only goes down the Exceptionally Talented Orphans aisle.

Ryan: Bingo. [finger guns]

Shane: Pretty sure finger guns are insensitive when talking about a man orphaned by gun violence.

Ryan: ...crap. Sorry, Mr. Maybe-Batman. But anyway, we touched on the whole Jason Todd thing in a previous video.

Shane: It was, in retrospect, perhaps tacky to tackle a story of a murdered child in puppet form.

Ryan: Please remember, Mr. Wayne, we only respectfully… re-enacted conspiracy theories about your child’s murder… using puppets…

Shane: Shit, if he really is Batman, we’re absolutely gonna get all our teeth knocked out, aren’t we? We’ll be Mr. and Mr. Gummy-mouth. And we’ll have deserved it.

Ryan: Anyway, so moving on… Bruce Wayne has more children than just the dead one and the circus baby. He also adopted his neighbor’s kid after he was tragically orphaned.

[picture of Timothy Drake-Wayne; clearly a yearbook photo from early in his high school career. His hair is parted in the middle and he appears to be wearing a shirt decorated with parrots.]

Shane: Lotta tragic orphaning going on in Gotham.

Ryan: It’s kind of what the city’s known for. And there’s a daughter who has somehow never done any interview that I could find on the internet, despite being adopted by one of the richest men on the planet when she was in her late teens.

[picture of Cassandra Wayne, a young woman wearing giant sunglasses and Gucci sweats; clearly a paparazzi shot of her with a giant ice cream cone, a giggling blonde leaning into her shoulder]

Ryan: Then another child, allegedly biological, though how someone as cheerful as Bruce Wayne could produce such an angry looking baby…

[picture of Damian Wayne; wearing a teensy tuxedo and scowling, arms crossed across his chest]

Shane: Okay though, I thought that Bruce Wayne was like, a total slut.

Ryan: Shane, we don’t slut-shame here on Buzzfeed Unsolved.

Shane: Zero shame! I’m just saying. Instead of a larger conspiracy about Bruce Wayne being a secret badass vigilante who keeps adopting children who are secret ninja warrior champs, what if… hear me out... What if he’s just bad at wrapping it up? What if these are all his biological kids? I mean, look at ‘em! Every single one of them has his hair!

[all the pictures of the Wayne children, including the deceased Jason Todd, in a row underneath a shot of Bruce Wayne. All have dark hair.]

Ryan: Are you saying that my theory is incorrect because you think Bruce Wayne is too slutty to be Batman?

Shane: I’m not qualified to speak on Batman’s relative sluttiness, Ryan, I’m just saying that a rich dude who keeps popping up with more and more kids with his hair and eye color is probably just getting hit with paternity suits left and right and every so often, a kid gets a match and a ticket to Wayne Manor. Wayne’s World, if you will.

Ryan: I hate that I agree with you. It’s so mundane.

Shane: It’s the truth, is what it is

Ryan: Of course, Bruce Wayne has been accused of a myriad of scandalous things before, including being a superhero.

[Picture of headline accusing Bruce Wayne of being the Blue Beetle]

Ryan: And I found a really perplexing video from someone claiming that they were once on a boat with Bruce Wayne, and he got stabbed with a sword, but the sword broke. Which implies that Bruce Wayne is invulnerable--

Shane: Wait, back the fuck up. Who the fuck is going to a billionaire’s boat party and stabbing him with a sword?

Ryan: That was the part of the story you found unbelievable?

Shane: It could have been a shitty sword. Shitty swords break all the time.

Ryan: Do you… do you have much experience with swordplay?

Shane: The internet is going to have a field day with anything I say in response to that question.

Ryan: [giggles]

Shane: But don’t we have like, weird amounts of footage of Bruce Wayne looking beat all to hell? Doesn’t he wreck a Ferrari like every other week? How the fuck does he still have a license?

Ryan: Money. Money is the answer to that question. But yes. There are inconsistencies with the story, since we do in fact see Bruce Wayne beat all to hell 100% more of the time than we do any other billionaire. And that includes Lex Luthor.

Shane: Who has a get beat up by Superman kink if I’ve ever seen one.

Ryan: ...do you come across that kink often?

Shane: Don’t we all?

Ryan: I’m so glad that we can slut-shame Batman and kink-shame a supervillain in the same video. We’re definitely gonna die.

Shane: At least we can die with our dignity intact. Unlike that kinky bastard Lex Luthor.

Ryan: [face on the table, shoulders shaking uncontrollably]

THEORY 4: The Otherworldly

Shane: Is it gonna be aliens?

Ryan: [face frozen in, finger up, like he’s about to impart great wisdom] [unfreezes] Um.

Shane: Batman isn’t aliens.

Ryan: Superman’s an alien.

Shane: Yeah, famously so. Batman’s from the city that said fuck your alien nonsense. Batman’s not aliens.

Ryan: Maybe Batman keeps aliens out of Gotham because he’s an alien-enemy of the other Earth aliens.

Shane: ...did. Did that sentence make sense in your head?

Ryan: Unfortunately, yes.

Shane: Do we have another theory?

Ryan: Well…

THEORY 5: The Dark Night-dweller

Ryan: This theory is a bit of a stretch--

Shane: More of a stretch than Bruce Wayne or aliens?

Ryan: This theory subscribes to the school of thought that the Batman couldn’t possibly be a mortal being, and thus, must be a true creature of the night.

Shane: Oh no.

Ryan: [hits hands on table dramatically] Batman’s an ancient vampire.

Shane: No.

Ryan: Hear me out--

Shane: Does this theory end with Batman climbing into a bat-shaped coffin every dawn?

Ryan: I’m not sure how comfortable a bat-shaped coffin would be for a man-shaped vampire…

Shane: This theory is bullshit and I refuse to subscribe to it.

Ryan: Yeah, I don’t love it either.

THEORY 6: The Derriere

Shane: Is this another mythological creature?

Ryan: This is about a dear friend.

Shane: Oh shit, Ryan, it’s sweet to be considered, but you know I’m not Batman, right?

Ryan: I was talking about our friend Mothman.

[image of Mothman statue] [image of Mothman statue’s derriere]

Shane: Don’t do it. Ryan, that meme is dead.

Ryan: [maniacal laughter] But the butts match!

[image of Batman from rear; cape covers the bat-butt]

Shane: Batman isn’t known for packing junk in that trunk, though. That’s Nightwing.

Ryan: Are you suggesting that Mothman is actually Nightwing?

Shane: I mean, name-wise, it makes more sense, as Mothman does, in fact, have wings and is nocturnal. Whereas bats are natural predators of moths….

Ryan: You know, fair point. Nightwing is actually Mothman.

Shane: Case solved! We did it!

[fistbump]

Ryan: So those are the theories. Shane, any thoughts on which one is most likely?

Shane: None? Because obviously Batman doesn’t have time to be some public figure. He’s just… Batman. There aren’t enough hours in the day to do that, to stay that jacked, and have a secret life. I refuse to believe anyone has that much gumption.

Ryan: If anyone had the gumption, it’d be Batman.

Shane: Ugh. If I had to pick one of our theories… I’m kind of digging D.B. Cooper. It has that wildly unorthodox crossover appeal that makes it just crazy enough to be true.

Ryan: Obviously my pick is Bruce Wayne. Too many coincidences to just ignore!

Shane: Like, I’m not denying that it’s entertaining as hell, but that’s why I… I just can’t believe it. The universe doesn’t love us enough to make something as batshit insane as Bruce Wayne, twenty-first century dilettante, the actual goddamn Batman.

Ryan: But the facts!

Shane: Circumstantial at best. Besides, what about all those times that Bruce Wayne got saved by Batman?

Ryan: It’s not like the Batman outfit is super glued to his body, he could lend it out.

Shane: Are you suggesting that Batman lets other people put their sweaty balls in his million-dollar outfit?

Ryan: ...probably he has more than one. Right? He’d have to. Wouldn’t it get smelly otherwise?

Shane: Oh god, has anyone ever reported what Batman smells like? Does he stink? Is the man going around saving the universe while smelling like corn chips and farts?

Ryan: If any of you out there have met Batman, please drop in the comments what he smells like.

Shane: [muttering to himself] Corn chip-smelling motherfucker.

Ryan: Do you think the Batman suit is machine-washable?

Shane: Is he handwashing that thing? Is he sitting there in his Gotham shithole apartment scrubbing Killer Croc blood and Joker teeth out of his cape in his sink?

Ryan: That’d be hell on the plumbing.

Shane: Do you think there’s some plumber out there who knows the identity of the Batman because he’s pulled a bunch of-- [snort] -- a bunch of fuckin’ Joker teeth out of the sink trap?

Ryan: God, I hope so. Wait, how would he know they were Joker teeth and that this dude wasn’t just a normal Gotham serial killer?

Shane: They’re probably green or some shit. Or they chatter on the counter like those… like those fucking joke teeth? The wind-up kind? Wait, what if that’s what the Joker has now. Batman has knocked out so many of his teeth that… Arkham was too cheap to buy dentures so they… they gave him fucking joke teeth. For his joke-ass mouth.

Ryan: Are we going for a record here? Most potential death-threat-inspiring comments in one video?

Shane: I ain’t scared of no joke.

Ryan: On that note… Today we’ve discussed in length possible identities of the Batman, and all I can say is… I really fucking hope no one we mentioned watches this video. This has been… Unsolved!

Chapter Text

Steph was the first one who saw it, purely by luck. She subscribed to the channel, and happened to be online avoiding an essay when it dropped.

She made it an entire three minutes into the episode before pausing and sending the link to Harper with a series of exclamation marks. She was full-on cackling by the time she reached the end.

She had a series of texts from Harper, ranging from exclamation marks, OMGs and then finally just a short video of Cullen falling off the couch, clutching his sides from laughter.

Don’t share with anyone else, Steph sent.

Stephanie knew deep in her heart that this was an opportunity that she couldn’t squander. How was she going to play this? She knew she had to act fast, before anyone else caught wind of the video…

Wait.

She knew who she needed to recruit.

*

“You have to call the emergency meeting,” Steph said. “If I do it, I’ll have to argue it’s validity for an hour. But if the all-knowing, almighty Oracle does…”

“What exactly is this meeting about?” Barbara sighed.

Steph gleefully held out her phone. The episode started playing. She had hustled over to Barbara’s apartment the second she’d realized the gift she had been given.

“What is this?” Babs asked, squinting at the screen. Her eyes widened when she saw the title of the video, but Stephanie quickly assured her, “Just watch. I promise you won’t regret it.”

Babs looked skeptical, but she watched. And a few minutes later...

“Is that a picture of Bruce? Oh my god,” Babs said with equal parts horror and delight.

“I have to see his face when he watches this, Babs. I deserve this. We all deserve this.” Steph gave her best puppy dog eyes. “You can bring us this joy.”

“Yeah, I can do that.” Babs said after a moment. “The Cave?”

“I’m thinking of a viewing party on the Bat-computer.”

*

Within an hour, it was arranged. The entirety of the Bat-family was gathered in the cave, ready to hear about some vague threat that Oracle had uncovered: Bruce, Dick, Jason, Cass, Tim, Damian, Alfred, Duke. They all clustered near the computer, uncertain about the purpose behind this meeting.

Batman's chair slowly turned around, revealing Stephanie, fingers steepled in front of her. Alfred the cat purred on her lap, completing the picture.

“I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve gathered you all here today,” she said, wishing she had a moustache to twirl.

“Oracle called this meeting,” Bruce said. He was standing near the Batmobile, clearly prepared for an actual emergency. The rest of the family were nearby, looking more intrigued then stressed now upon Stephanie’s reveal.

“At my behest,” Stephanie said. “Something of great consequence has come to my attention.”

“Was it your passion for b-villain dialogue?” Jason said. Stephanie, in a show of true maturity, ignored him instead of sticking her tongue out like she wanted. There were bigger fish to fry.

“We don’t have time for this,” Bruce said. He was practically inching towards the Batmobile.

“I agree with Stephanie,” Barbara announced. “I think we should enjoy her presentation.”

“There’s a presentation? I’m not sitting through a presentation,” Damian said. “Brown has nothing to teach me.”

“Oh, but how wrong you are, young grasshopper,” Stephanie said. Alfred the cat jumped off her lap, and she did a dramatic twirl before rising and standing before the group, hands on her hips. “Gather round, chickadees.”

There was some muttering, and Dick kept glancing at Bruce, as if waiting for him to bolt, but instead Bruce sighed and joined the rest, pushing back his cowl.

“As I’m sure you know,” Stephanie began, “some of us here could be considered public figures. And as such, there’s a certain amount of scrutiny... infamy, if you will, that comes with that.”

“Can you get to the point?” Bruce said. He looked like he had a feeling that this was heading in an unfortunate direction.

“Ugh, fine, but you’re missing out,” Steph said. She pulled up the video on the biggest screen of the computer, pausing it on the title card.

Buzzfeed Unsolved: Capes: The Startling Secret Identity of the Batman

“What is this?” Bruce demanded.

“Oh god, are these those puppet motherfuckers?” Jason said. “What now?”

Barbara hid a grin behind her coffee mug. Cass looked suspiciously between her and Steph and said, “You two have already seen it.”

“Yep,” Steph said. “Hold on to your capes, kiddos, we’re in for a ride.”

She pressed play.

*

Given how stoic he typically was, watching Bruce go through an actual face journey as the video progressed was like watching a work of art being created.

Stephanie, having watched the video twice already, stayed in Bruce’s chair with her back to the screen, shamelessly watching everyone’s expression. Bruce’s dismay at the topic at hand, followed by indignation at some of the suspects, followed by outright horror when Ryan and Shane started in the theory that Bruce Wayne was, in fact, Batman.

It was a thing to behold. Stephanie hadn’t giggled this much in ages.

Jason’s expression of pure glee was unwavering. Dick kept glancing around, like he was both concerned about how certain family members were going to take the video, but also was dying to find out how they were taking the video. She saw him texting surreptitiously, and assumed that all his superhero friends had just been blessed with the link.

Tim’s shoulders began to shake halfway through and never stopped, though he kept an admirable poker face.

Cass cheerfully ate the popcorn that Babs was sharing with her and Dick, and kept a sunny grin the entire time. Duke likewise looked like Christmas had come early, though he nobly attempted to keep his smile hidden behind one hand.

Damian’s hand kept straying towards his sword.

Steph beamed at Babs, who clearly had zero regrets about gathering everyone for the meeting.

When the video was over, silence reigned in the Cave.

One by one, they all turned to stare at Bruce, who had an unreadable expression on his face.

“Well?” Steph asked. “Comments? Concerns? Quibbles?”

Bruce shook his head slightly. He still didn’t say anything.

“Oh no, it broke him. The internet was the thing that finally broke Batman,” Duke muttered.

“I’m not broken.” Bruce shot Duke a look.

“Do you have a plan?” Cass asked.

“No plan needed,” Bruce said, for possibly the first time in his life.

Jason blinked at Bruce. “What the fuck?”

Dick put his hands quickly over Damian’s ears. “Little ears!”

“Cease your nonsense,” Damian said, batting away Dick’s hands. “We need to find these so-called journalists and set them to rights.”

“Anything we say will just add fuel to the fire.”

“For the record, I take back what I said about them being motherfuckers,” Jason said. “They’ve fully redeemed themselves in my eyes.”

“Wait, why did you hate them in the first place?” Duke asked.

“They did an episode about his death,” Steph said. “Using puppets. It was not tasteful.”

A pause.

“Not all heroes wear capes,” Tim said sagely.

“I will fucking end you,” Jason snapped.

“No, really, what the hell did we just watch?” Duke said. “Should… I mean… should something be done?”

“Like what? Anything we did would just prove that they got close,” Barbara said. “Ignoring it is the best way to prove that it’s laughable.”

“I think my favorite part was when they figured out Batman’s true identity, but thought it was too hilarious to be true,” Dick said thoughtfully. “Steph, can you get me a screenshot of them talking about what a moron Bruce Wayne is?”

“Oh, I came prepared,” Steph said, and began to unleash unholy mayhem on the group chat. So many screenshots and gifs of the moments that had made her lose it. Bruce looked like he was contemplating buying the internet and destroying it. Steph briefly wondered if this was it, if this was Batman’s villain origin story.

“Hey, Alfie,” Jason said after a minute. “Would you describe Bruce’s momma as hot-to-trot?”

“I will not dignify that with a response,” Alfred said, patting Bruce on the shoulder.

“That wasn’t a no,” Jason muttered. Duke snickered, and immediately looked like he felt bad about it.

No, Steph thought, this moment would be Batman’s villain origin story.

“We will never speak of this again,” Bruce said firmly. “No more viewings of this… tripe.”

*

There were so many more viewings of the video.

It quickly became one of the most-viewed videos on Buzzfeed Unsolved: Capes’ channel. There was a slight uptick in the other videos they’d made about the caped community: The Fantastic Super-Speed Life of the Flash; The Temporary Super-Death of Superman; The Bodacious Background of Black Canary; The Somewhat Confusing Formation of the Justice League.

The previous most-viewed video was The Tragedy and Triumphs of Spandex, an exploration of the most unfortunate costumes of all times, both villain and hero. Everyone involved became immediately nervous that they were going to attract the wrong sort of attention.

(They did; the world was forced to watch as Polka Dot Man and Crazy Quilt took over broadcast tv to defend their aesthetic.)

*

@therock - 5m
da waynes
[image of Dwayne Johnson with an arm thrown over Bruce Wayne’s shoulder. Bruce is looking up at Dwayne, smiling, while Dwayne is scruffling his hand through the hair of Damian Wayne, who is barely in frame. Only Damian’s eyes and forehead are visible, but he is clearly annoyed.]

*

An (incomplete) list of memes sent to Batman during patrol by the various traitors who claim to be his family:

[gif of young boy wearing a nylon Batman cape swishing cape and posing dramatically in front of a mirror with the text practicing cape swishes in front of a mirror]

[image of a man sitting in a hot tub surrounded by platters of sushi. An MS paint cowl has been crudely drawn over his face. Caption: fuck you bruce wayne, batman can HAVE IT ALL]

[shaky-cam footage of Wayne Manor with a moon bounce and slip-n-slide set up in the front lawn while giggling voices identifiable as Tim, Steph and Duke sing wayne’s world, party time, excellent. The moon bounce is shaking dangerously from side to side, clearly beyond capacity, and Cass is midway down the slip-n-slide, fully clothed]

[a viral video showing two teens in ski masks attempting to dress the Mothman statue in a cape and cowl. “Batman does so have junk in the trunk,” one could be heard saying indignantly. “He’s just more modest than Nightwing!”]

[galaxy brain meme with each Batman identity theory in ascending order of ridiculousness, with the ultimate galaxy brain being Batman is a rotating role and Shane and Ryan connected ALL the dots]

*

Tim looked up from his tablet as Alfred entered the study with a duster. Tim looked back down at the image on his screen, then back at Alfred, then held the screen up, squinting at him.

“Master Timothy, are you quite alright?” Alfred asked.

“Uh,” Tim said. “Alfred, you know that theory from the video?”

“I am not Bruce’s biological father, Timothy, that was codswallop,” Alfred said, a mite testily. Tim hoped that Jason and Steph hadn’t actually gone through with sending him an Congratulations, it’s a boy! card. Or maybe that’s why he was so prickly about the topic.

“No, not that one,” Tim said. “The one about the possible Batman. D.B. Cooper?”

Alfred looked at him steadily.

“I just… I mean, that’s ridiculous,” Tim said. He stole another glance at the police sketch of D.B. Cooper. “Right? You wouldn’t…”

He blinked a few times, thinking about how very likely it was that Alfred would have the requisite know-how to pull off the infamous heist.

“Wouldn’t what, Master Timothy?” Alfred said in that mild voice that had always terrified Tim..

“Nothing!” Tim said, closing out the image immediately. “Nothing at all!”

Alfred nodded, apparently satisfied, and continued to dust.

*

There was no stopping the spread of the episode. The Justice League held a private viewing on the Watchtower. Batman was not invited.

Superman allegedly choked on a popcorn kernel from laughing too hard at a reference to Bruce Wayne’s himbofication, and Diana had to hit him on the back soundly until it dislodged.

Dinah -- who had organized the watch party, thanks to a heads-up from Oracle -- filmed the reactions secretly to show the Birds of Prey. She maintained her dignity, but only just. She did better than Hal, anway, who spent the entire viewing with an expression of unsurpassed glee.

“Bruce has… seen this? We’re sure? Did his head explode?” Barry wondered. He couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from the screen. “We’re all seeing this, right?”

“Bruce has undoubtedly found the humor in it,” Diana said.

The rest of the League turned to her and stared incredulously.

Diana raised an eyebrow.

J’onn said, “This is objectively humorous.”

“Yeah, but Spooky isn’t gonna laugh at himself like this,” Hal said. “Which is fine, because I’m never gonna stop laughing at this.”

Clark said mildly, “Maybe we shouldn’t--”

“Oh, we absolutely should,” Ollie said.

Dinah spoke up. “Barbara didn’t seem troubled by it. I’ve heard that the kids are having a field day with it.”

“See?” Ollie looked smug.

The video came to an end, and for a long moment silence reigned on the Watchtower.

“Someone find a street address for these two geniuses,” Hal announced. “I’m sending these beautiful bastards an edible arrangement.”

Barry paused a second. “I bet if we pool our money and buy a fancy enough one, we could make them think it was from Bruce.”

“Done,” said Ollie.

*

@officialgreenlantern - 15m
This is the greatest day of my life

@officialgreenarrow -1m
For the record I’m not Queen, though he is a debonair looking mother-trucker
|
@officialgreenarrow - 1s
(Supes says we’re not allowed to drop bombs on Twitter, f or otherwise)

*

No one could meet Batman’s eye at the next Justice League meeting. Diana gave him a supportive pat on the arm, which he brushed off with an, “It’s fine.”

Diana raised her eyebrow triumphantly at the rest of the League.

Batman found that the awkwardness wasn’t the worst thing in the world, even with Hal singing a hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog song quietly during every break.

He narrowed his eyes at him, but Hal was too busy singing to notice.

*

@shanemadej - 2h
A thousand-dollar edible arrangement just showed up at my house????? That’s something that exists apparently??
|
@ryansbergara - 2h
Uh… mine too??? What the fuck?? I mean, very kind of someone out there but... what the hell?
|
@shanemadej - 2h
I want to say i’m scared to eat it but it is fuckin’ delicious.
|
@shanemadej - 2h
was*
|
@ryansbergara - 1h
shane that was not a human amount of food. Please tell me you didn’t eat all that. Are you dead? I’m gonna try to contact your ghost so hard if you’re dead. You better fuckin’ make an appearance. You’re contractually obligated.

*

The next day on patrol, Steph cornered him. “Did you hear about the edible arrangements?”

Bruce had, in fact, heard about the edible arrangements. He’d been accused of buying them by several people. Bruce was insulted that people thought that an edible arrangement was the pinnacle of his gift-giving prowess. “Yes.”

“So you realize we gotta step up the appreciation game, then. Give ‘em something that doesn’t suck.”

“No.”

“I honestly just feel like such brilliance needs to be rewarded,” Steph said thoughtfully. “Like, they need to know that their work is appreciated. They need to feel seen.”

Bruce steadfastly ignored her.

Steph, totally used to that, continued unabated. “B-man, would you, just the once, say Hey rogues, it’s me, ya boi when you dramatically descend onto criminals? Preferably some high-profile ones and while being caught on camera for the internet to see?”

“Absolutely not.” Bruce didn’t even look at her, but disapproval radiated off of him.

“Just once! I’ll be your best friend,” Steph said, swaying back and forth while clasping her hands in front of her, like she was back in second grade.

“Nope.”

“No to the request or no to best friendship?”

“Both.”

“Harsh,” Steph said. “I’ll remember that, come birthday time.”

“Please do.” Bruce actually looked her way this time. “I don’t want a repeat of last year.”

Steph rolled her eyes. “That was the best birthday present anyone’s given you in years and you know it.”

Bruce made a hnn sound that didn’t sound as dismissive as he probably had intended, so Steph took it as a win.

*

Dick proved easier to bribe.

One plate of Lucky Charms treats was all it took. The next time Dick went out in the Batsuit, after a minor Arkham breakout while Bruce was, ironically, stuck in a Wayne Enterprises shareholder meeting about public image that Lucius Fox threatened his access to R&D over, he made sure that Tim was waiting in the rafters recording.

Scarecrow and Mad Hatter were clustered with a small group of henchmen when Batman burst in through the skylight, yelling, “Hey rogues, it’s me, ya boi!”

Tim managed to capture their expressions as it happened, somewhere between cartoonishly shocked and deeply confused. It was more luck than training that kept the camera steady; his tiny breathless giggles could easily be heard in the video.

An untraceable, anonymous account uploaded the video to a minor social media site that evening.

Everyone in Gotham had seen it by lunch the next day.

*

@shanemadej - 15m
you guys the goddamn batman quoted me while kicking supervillain ass. My work is complete. Thanks internet it’s been great but you gotta retire on top of the game.
|
@ryansbergara - 14m
but have you considered the fact that this means batman, conceivably, could have seen our video about him
|
@shanemadej - 14m
shit. fuck. fuckadoodle-doo.
|
@ryansbergara - 11m
when batman breaks all your teeth, i’ll bring you applesauce

*

“You’re grounded.”

“You can’t ground me,” Dick pointed out calmly. “I’m in my twenties.”

“Watch me.”

*

Damian stopped on the front steps of Wayne Manor, staring at the offending item. There was a gift bag sitting in front of the front door. A yellow gift bag decorated with little bats.

“What’s this?” Bruce asked, coming up behind him. He’d just picked Damian up early from school after a terse meeting with Damian’s principal, who refused to accept defending the family honor as a valid excuse for up-ending his lunch over the lunchroom monitor’s head, even though the utter knave had quoted the video in front of everyone.

“Perhaps it’s booby-trapped,” Damian said hopefully, as that would distract his father from the punishment he’d threatened on the way home.

“The security system didn’t…Oh,” Bruce said, looking at his display. “A speedster came by.”

He reached out, turned the tag on the bag over. To the Clown Baby.

Damian peered inside. Inside were several cans of beans, a string of garlic cloves, an I want to believe mug, an action figure of The Rock, a little plastic parachute toy and a set of chattering teeth. A note on top declared, sorry about the grounding!.

Bruce sighed. “Take this to your brother and tell him to keep his damn friends off my lawn.”

Damian grabbed the bag and ran, thankful that his father had seemingly forgotten his punishment.

*

“It’s undignified and insulting and we should remove every trace of it from the internet,” Damian said resolutely. Steph and Tim exchanged glances. They had gathered in the Manor to have ice cream with Dick, who was pretending he was choosing to hang out at the Manor instead of acknowledging that he, a grown man, was grounded.

“He’s cranky because they spent five minutes talking about Dick and four seconds talking about him,” Tim stage-whispered to no one in particular.

“I am not jealous,” Damian hissed.

“Didn’t say you were,” Tim replied.

“Don’t fret, Dami-cakes,” Steph said, reaching out and patting his head lightly, like one would pat a cactus prone to attacking. “They just had the flashy circus story to talk about with Dick. If they’d known you were an assassin ninja baby, you would have gotten way more attention.”

“Hrmph,” Damian said, but actually seemed mollified. “Perhaps…”

“We are not publicly revealing your ties to the League just so you can get Buzzfeed clout,” Dick said quickly.

“Can we bring it up to Bruce, though?” Tim said thoughtfully. “I bet we can get his eye to start twitching.”

“I wanna roll the conversation back first though,” Steph said thoughtfully. “Damian do you think you can just scrub a viral video from the internet because it doesn’t talk you up enough?”

“Of course,” Damian said. A pause. “Can’t we?”

They exchanged looks. “Probably Babs?” Dick ventured.

“We are not removing the best thing that’s happened to me this week from the internet,” Steph said firmly.

Tim grinned at her. “You just say that because you weren’t in it.”

“If and when they talk about me in any of my identities, I will feel the exact same,” Steph said.

“No matter what they said?”

“Tim, do not cyber-bully those dudes into talking shit about me.”

“Just trying to make it fair,” Tim said.

Steph stared at him. “They said literally nothing about you. Not even to mock you for having on the world’s ugliest shirt in that yearbook photo they unearthed.”

Tim said quietly, “I thought all evidence of that picture was gone.”

“Oh my god,” Steph said. “You already tried to scrub embarrassing things from the internet! You’re unbelievable. I’m gonna find every dumb picture of you that I have, and I’m going to sell them to stock photo companies.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Watch me.”

*

Check out this new listicle!

Top 10 Embarrassing Photos of Timothy Drake-Wayne That His High School Sweetheart (A True Queen) Sold To A Stock Photography Site
[image of teenage boy with unfortunate hair falling off skateboard] [image of teenage boy picking food off his shirt with the clear intention of eating it] [image of teenage boy wearing a nickelback t-shirt]

*

“Bought you a present,” Jason said, throwing a wadded-up plastic bag at Bruce.

Bruce blinked, squishing the bag delicately, as if he were testing for weapons or explosives. “You… got me a present.”

“Yeah. Late Father’s Day present, or whatever, pick a holiday, it’s not like I’ve gotten you anything in… well. You know. Since I’ve been back.”

“Jason,” Bruce said, looking touched. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” Jason said. “Go on, open it.”

Bruce carefully opened the bag and pulled out the object inside. “You bought me a tank top?” Confusion was written clearly on his features.

“Turn it around,” Jason said.

Bruce turned it around slowly. The black tank top had all glitz and tits written in glittery calligraphy across the chest. “This is…”

“The best present you’ve ever received? I know,” Jason said. He bit his lip, clearly trying to keep laughter in. “It’s a reference. To that video,” he added unhelpfully.

“I’m aware.”

“When they compared you to Dolly,” Jason said.

“I saw the video.” Bruce sounded like he wanted to add an unfortunately but refrained, nobly.

“Well? Are you going to see if it fits?”

“I--” Bruce stared at the shirt, then at Jason. “You… want me to try it on.”

“I mean, if you hate your Father’s Day present, that’s fine,” Jason said. “You can give it back. Sorry, dad.”

“No,” Bruce said, holding the tank top possessively. “I… I can try it on.”

This was a mistake.

Jason, without an ounce of shame, lifted his phone and snapped a picture of Bruce standing in his foyer in front of the ridiculously elaborate staircase, tank top on.

The picture was online within an hour.

(Jason spent a good thirty minutes ranting to whichever former Robin was closest about the fact that a good forty percent of the comments on the picture were to the effect of those are some tits alright.

Stephanie asked what, precisely, he thought the internet would say, and Jason just grumbled.)

*

“You know I’m stealing that shirt, right?” Selina said, digging through Bruce’s closet. “Where’d you put it?”

“I’m glad we’ve progressed to you announcing your thefts ahead of time,” Bruce said, refusing to give up the location of the tank top. “Besides, it’s not even in the closet, you’re wasting your time.”

Selina narrowed her eyes at him.

Bruce looked at her innocently.

“Did you seriously?” Selina asked, then took off for the Cave. “Bruce, it is not a crime fighting trophy!”

“It was Batman-related and you know it!” he said as he chased after her. He’d spent ten minutes arranging the shirt just so in its new display, he wasn’t going to let her steamroll through and take it.

*

@thebrucewayne - 1h
you can’t not wear a father’s day present 🤷
|
@legitdickgrayson - 1h
that’s not what you said about the romper i got you last year 😔 I thought we were gonna be twinsies 😢
|
@therearesomewhocallmetim - 48m
Guess we know who the favorite is
|
@casswayne - 42m
😇

*

“Cass you can’t just claim credit like that,” Jason complained into the comms.

“Why?” Cass said from where she was patrolling the docks. Steph giggled into her shoulder.

“Because-- Because I was the favorite! I got him to wear a glittery tank top!” Jason sputtered.

“You let me post it,” Cass said.

“Because I’m legally deceased!” Jason protested. “You’re supposed to respect the dead!”

“You’re not dead,” Cass said smugly. “Don’t have to respect you.”

“Suck it, Todd,” Steph chirped into the comm.

“A pox upon both your houses,” he said, before remembering that Cass’s house was his own, and muttering, “Shit, I rescind my curse.”

The girls’ laughter rang through the comms.

*

Dick beamed at Bruce. They were sitting at a frozen yogurt shop, each with cups of frozen yogurt in front of them. Bruce’s was dark chocolate and Dick had snuck sprinkles on it. Dick’s was a monstrosity of every available topping, nearly overflowing the cup.

Dick was having possibly the best day of his life.

Bruce was not.

“I know Alfred made you do this,” Dick said cheerfully, “but I don’t even care.” He snapped another selfie of the two of them, his smile blinding.

Bruce sighed. “I thought I had destroyed this.” He plucked at his outfit, a violently floral romper.

“You did; I got you another one,” Dick said. He was wearing a matching romper.

“Can we leave now?” Bruce said.

“Not til we finish our dessert,” Dick said. “If Jason gets a Father’s Day, then so do I.”

“It’s not even Father’s Day,” Bruce protested, but took another bite of his dessert.

Dick grinned and said, “Try mine!” while shoving a spoonful at Bruce’s face. Bruce tried to avoid it, but he still ended up with whipped cream on his nose.

Just then, the front door of the shop blew in, confetti flying everywhere.

Bruce tensed, but before he could do anything, the Joker came strolling in, sing-songing, “I heard an interesting rumor about you, Brucie-boy. Or should I say, Batsy?”

Then the Joker took in the scene: Bruce, the whipped cream, the neon flowers on the romper, and Dick caught mid-selfie.

He blinked.

“No,” he said. “I refuse to-- those internet idiots had me convinced that... “ He looked at Bruce again. Squinted, held up a child’s Batman mask in a way that he could see what Bruce would look like in it, and shook his head again. “Fuckin’ kids, wrong on the internet.”

He turned on his heel and left.

Dick and Bruce stared at each other. “Should we… do something?” Dick wondered aloud.

Bruce took another measured bite of his froyo. “Let’s let the GCPD handle this one.”

*

BRUCE WAYNE FOILS JOKER PLOT
By Lois Lane

[image of Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson in matching floral one-piece rompers in a confetti-strewn yogurt shop]

The Latest Out Of Gotham: The Joker was arrested Monday after exiting a frozen yogurt establishment located just outside Wayne Enterprises in Gotham City, New Jersey. The focal point of Joker’s aborted criminal attentions, local business mogul and philanthropist Bruce Wayne, was having a midday treat with his son when the Joker burst onto the scene. “He seemed to have fallen victim to believing online conspiracies,” Wayne said when questioned by authorities. “Seemed like the gullible type, honestly. Not much going on there.”
“Yeah, he definitely fell victim to one of the classic blunders: never go up against Gothamites when froyo is on the line,” Grayson added. “I’m just glad that the GCPD worked so quickly to bring him in.” The Joker was apprehended within minutes, after social media -- which had been following the outing by Wayne and his son closely, given their recent infamy thanks to the video that inspired the attack -- alerted the GCPD to the attack.
When asked about their apparently casual reaction to being attacked by a mass murderer, both Wayne and Grayson rolled their eyes. “That schtick got old a half-dozen kidnappings ago,” Wayne muttered. Grayson took the opportunity to launch into an informative lecture about clown culture and the damage The Joker and those of his ilk are doing to it. (See: Op-Ed; p16 You, Sir, Are No Clown: A Look Into The Noble History of Clowns; or, Kindly Eff Off With Your Nonsense You Imposter by R.Grayson)

*

“Clark, tell your wife to answer her damn phone.”

“Bruce, you know that she’s gonna do what she wants,” Clark said carefully.

“She knows what she did.”

“That picture was editorially mandated…” Clark tried.

Silence.

“Unavoidable, really,” Clark said.

“Clark?”

“Yes?”

“Did you and Lois submit that article as a prank on me?”

“No?”

“I am calling your mother.”

*

After a week, most of the furor over the video had died down.

Dick came into the Cave and was surprised to see Bruce sitting there, watching the video. He glanced around; Bruce appeared to be alone in the Cave. The only sign of life was a half-eaten apple pie sitting beside him.

“Can’t get enough, huh?” he asked, perching on the side of the desk beside Bruce. He picked up a fork and took a bite of the pie. Heavenly.

Bruce’s gave him a wry sort of tiny smile. “Now that I’ve seen the fallout, it’s… interesting. To see myself through the eyes of an outsider.”

“You think it’s funny,” Dick said, staring. All week, he’d been sure that Bruce was one wrong joke away from snapping. “You’ve… You thought this was funny.”

“I mean,” Bruce said. “It’s not often you get a chance to…” He trailed off, clearly understanding that he wasn’t going to bullshit his way out of this one. Dick knew him too well. “I mean. A little?”

“Here I was, walking on eggshells because I thought that you were brooding and angsting over this, and the whole time, you were laughing.” Dick wasn’t sure whether he wanted to laugh or not.

“You literally dressed up like me and became a meme,” Bruce said dryly. “How is that walking on eggshells?”

“Bruce, you know exactly how many jokes I’ve wanted to make,” Dick said. “You know that it was a real challenge to keep it at one.”

“I do appreciate that,” Bruce said. “And it was kind of nice, actually. To hear someone talk about Bruce Wayne as Batman in the public. As a joke, even.”

Dick looked up at the screen, and then back at Bruce. “You just liked having someone acknowledge that it was fucking hilarious when you whacked Luthor in the nuts.”

“It was my finest golfing moment.”

“And getting to publicly roast the Joker?”

A tiny smile crossed Bruce’s face. “I’d have preferred more dignified attire.”

“You loved every second of that day.” Dick bumped his shoulder against Bruce’s.

They watched the end of the video in companionable silence, then Dick said, “Wait, does this mean I’m ungrounded?”

Before Bruce could answer, he noticed that a new video had been uploaded to the Capes account.

He and Dick stared at the title for a long, long moment.

Buzzfeed Unsolved: Capes: Ranking the Rotating Cast of Robins

“I’ll call everyone,” Dick said. “No way are we letting Steph beat us to this one.”

“We are not--” Bruce started to protest, then sighed. “I am absolutely not going to provide my own rankings of Robins!”

“We’ll see about that!” Dick replied.

Everyone was in the Cave within twenty minutes. Dick hit play, and the intro began, followed by, Since we weren’t viciously murdered or forced to gargle our own teeth after the last Bat-themed video, we thought why not go for broke and offer a definitive ranking of the Robins, as determined by our totally subjective sliding scale of badassery, corniness, and overall je ne sais quois.

There was only minor bloodshed by the end.

[end]