Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hi my name is alexis phoe’nix breach skye lexicsgo and I have long lexicsgo black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like meG (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!!). I’m not related to Keiti Lexicsgo but I wish I was because she’s a major fucking hottie. I’m a witch, and I go to a magic school called Cloud9 in Valorant where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen). I’m an initiator main (in case you couldn’t tell) and I play mostly Breach. I love the Cloud9 merch store and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a Cloud9 corset with Cloud9 lace around it and a black Cloud9 miniskirt, Cloud9 fishnets and Cloud9 combat boots. I was wearing blue lipstick, white foundation, blue eyeliner and white eye shadow. I was walking outside around Icebox. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of instalock duelists stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

Then I heard something behind me so I turned around, but dramatically. It was...meL! I started to wave, but then she was hit by a freak op shot from one of the instalock duelists! Gasp!

I ran to her side. “meL you can’t do this to me I’m not a sage main I don’t have rez”

“alexis phoe’nix breach skye lexicsgo...is that you?” meL said. She looked bad, the way that people who have been hit by op shots 150 damage no shields kekw are. “Are you there?”

“yeah”

“alexis,” she said, grabbing alexis’ hand. “I need to tell you something before I die. You know how I always have a ton of money, and 14 c9 shirts and a speaker?”

“Yeah,” alexis said, confused, “but I don’t-”

meL pulled out a glock and put it in alexis’ hand. “I rob banks. I rob banks, then use the money to fund my Unbind Crouch charity. You need to carry on my legacy after I’m dead.”

alexis started to tear up. “meL, no. You’re our IGL. If you die someone else will have to do it, and it’ll be so annoying.”

“Avenge me…” meL said, and died. alexis stared at her.

“damn, that sucks. gotta find a new IGL”

---------

“@everyone EMERGENCY MEETING” alexis typed in the top secret Cloud9 White discord server™

Jazzykins: what

Keiti: yeah what, I was busy

alexis: mel died

katsumi: oh. huh

Jazzykins: I mean I loved mel but also she was kinda annoying

Annie Dro: yeah mel was annoying

alexis: glad we can all agree mel was annoying as fuck <3

alexis: anyway the real problem is that we need a new igl now. who wants to volunteer?

Keiti: I’m too busy clicking heads to IGL. kat should do it, she’s the controller main

katsumi: whaaaat

Annie Dro: I can get behind that

katsumi: hey wait a second, I don’t know how to IGL

Jazzykins: yeah but the rest of us don’t know how to either

alexis: all in favor of kat as new igl say aye?

katsumi: HEY WAIT NO

Jazzykins: aye

Annie Dro: eye

alexis: come on kat, we’ve literally got the gamechangers main event in a week. it’s bad enough that we have to reshuffle the comp now that mel went and died 

katsumi: hhhhhgg. I could...give it a shot, I guess?

alexis: that’s the spirit! also take this google folder of all of mel’s like creepy serial killer notes on us and other teams for strats and shit https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udYWafjeWaU  

katsumi: okay…😨

-----------

[Spongebob narrator voice] Three Hours Later

Keiti: wait what are we going to say about why mel isn’t playing????

Annie Dro: just tweet that she joined the CIA in order to better kin Cypher or something, idk

Jazzykins: that checks out, I’ve been trying to learn to throw knives to kin jett better.

katsumi: really?

Jazzykins: yeah, I’ve only nearly stabbed myself twice so I think it’s going well

Keiti: Do you really think people will believe that mel joined the CIA?

alexis: sure. might as well tell Cloud9 that she joined the CIA too lmaooooo

alexis: THEY FUCKING BOUGHT IT?

Annie Dro: FUCKING JEBAITED, LET’S GO

———————

alexis phoe’nix breach skye lexicsgo was staring down what could possibly be the final round of their vct game changers tournament run. They had made it to the grand final through kat’s frantic efforts to learn how to IGL, and now at match point, the first ever vct game changers title itself was on the line.

alexis’ dumb teammates had all died, leaving her in a 1v5 clutch situation that completely failed to explain why the narrative had gone from first person perspective, to a social media/group chat format, all the way back to third person. fortunately, alexis did not merely have the clutch genes. she lived in the clutch house in the clutch city in the clutch country. she drank the clutch water and breathed the clutch air. to be Alexis Guarrasi was, simply, to clutch rounds.

awed by her brilliance, the enemy team blinded themselves and accidentally stumbled into perfect formation for alexis to collat them all at the same time, which she did. C9 White took home the W, with Annie Dro being forced to do a post-match interview where she talked about meL’s dearly felt childhood dream to become a CIA agent, and how meL had already been assigned a mission that was so totally secretive that no one could be in contact with her ever.

over the next month, this would go totally unquestioned at the CIA headquarters because everyone was too embarrassed to admit that they did not, in fact, personally know former VALORANT pro C9 meL. meL would go on to become a CIA legend, propagated by all the stories about how everyone had totally met and talked with her that one time.  

in the present, mel’s former teammates all gathered around the spot in icebox where she was first struck by a freak op shot from an instalock jett that should have been way less skilled with the op than they claimed to be. they stood there while an unrated valorant game between some rando irons went on in the background.

“Do you feel like there’s some kind of moral to this?” Kat said. “Like she died, but it just brought us closer together so we could win the tournament.”

They all thought about that for a minute.

“nah”

And they went home.

ONE MONTH LATER

“We apologize for the delay in announcing the next agent,” the Riot developer said in the video titled NEW AGENT INFO- MUST WATCH , “but I think you’ll all agree that this agent is nothing like the others that have previously come to VALORANT. Despite that, and despite some...hiccups in their development, we’re all, uh, very excited for their release!”

“We’re honestly not sure how this agent works,” said another Riot developer who looked like they hadn’t slept in weeks. She poured some sugar into a cup of coffee. “I can’t confidently tell you what her abilities are. The code just showed up in the game one day and no one will claim credit for writing it, even though someone must have- “ She knocked back the coffee and drained it with frightening speed, before going to pour another one.

The first Riot developer stared at her for a moment before clearing his throat. “Uh. Yeah. We don’t totally know what her abilities are, but figuring them out will be part of the fun for you guys! Really shake up the meta and all that.” He paused, looking like he was visibly bracing himself. “And now, without further ado, let me announce Agent 16...meL, the dead CIA agent!”

The screen changed to a picture of meL, who immediately turned and glared at the screen. “Alexis, what the fuck did you-“

Chapter Text

it was day 6 of the new act, and things were going great! 

and by that we mean they were going terribly.

(the top secret Cloud9 White discord server™)

katsumi: lexi, come onnn

alexis: idk, I just don’t like it.

Jazzykins: why not? it’s worked in every scrim we’ve done

alexis: I know, but like. I just think maybe we should try something else

katsumi: well, I’m the IGL and I think the 5 stack meL comp works. So there.

Annie Dro: lexi just doesn’t want to play mel because she thinks we’re boosting mel’s ego lmao

alexis: I SWEAR she gets more smug every time I lock her in. I can hear the difference in her VOICE

alexis: why can’t we just run 5 stack breach? since they’ve been buying the “we didn’t want to play all mel, we picked different agents but she just replaced all of them at the last moment” excuse for some reason

katsumi: lexi, I’m trying to be as nice as possible because I know you love breach, but he’s kind of useless in the current meta. every agent but mel is useless in the current meta

alexis: SEE, THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT

alexis: I’M LITERALLY GOING TO LOAD INTO THE NEXT GAME WITH MEL AND SHE’S GOING TO BE LIKE “waittt, maybe 5 stack me is actually the wave...also 2 people are flanking through mid, you’re welcome”

katsumi: I don’t see a problem with that.

alexis: keiti, PLEASE back me up here

Keiti: uh. I guess I’ll admit that hearing mel have a five-way conversation with herself via voice lines is kind of disturbing sometimes

Jazzykins: yeah I feel like there’s some stuff about mel that I would...rather not have known

Annie Dro: at least we get to make fun of her for her bizarre obsession with-

alexis: I just feel like mel is kind of mad at me all the time. I don’t even get it, shouldn’t she be mad at annie because she’s the one who came up with the CIA lie?

katsumi: I mean, you did let her Unbind Crouch charity go out of business even though mel specifically told you to keep it going after she died

alexis: how is that my fault??? I’m BUSY, I can’t possibly be expected to run a charity. she should have told me to pass my classes or something as her dying wish smh

katsumi: and are you passing them?

Annie Dro: kat who the hell elected you team mom

katsumi: moms...don’t get elected

Annie Dro: prove it.

alexis: all of this is besides the point, I just think we should explore other options besides the multi-mel strat. Like, what if other teams do it right back at us?

katsumi: I think mel promised me a bit ago that she wouldn’t let any other pro teams run a 5 stack of her, but at this point I think u should just talk to her yourself

alexis: UGH. fine

—————————-

alexis took a deep breath before forcing herself to lock in meL, as she’d done for basically the past week.

“I’m your girl’s favorite CIA agent,” meL chirped. “Don’t forget to follow and join my- ugh, it’s you, Lexi.”

Alexis frowned. She hopped over to the top secret Cloud9 White discord server™ and sent a quick message to Keiti.

alexis: random question, but what does mel say to you when you lock her in? After the “your girl’s favorite CIA agent” thing

Keiti: “Don’t forget to follow and join my discord server.” Why?

alexis: no reason

By the time Alexis had closed discord, they were already loading into the custom game they would be practicing in. They were on Icebox, naturally, because where else would esteemed VALORANT players such as themselves possibly do anything.

“Oh, Icebox!” meL said as Alexis spawned. “Good to be back, right near 🎵where I died🎵, and Lexi 🎵broke my deathbed promise🎵,” she sang.

Fed up with mel’s terrible singing, Alexis said, “It wasn’t a deathbed promise, you didn’t have a bed.”

“What, and that makes it better? Way to go, Lexi. You let me die without even carrying me to a bed, god,” mel sniped back. Alexis groaned.

“Okay, I’m…” Alexis frowned, searching for the words. She had not once had to apologize to anyone before in her 21 years of existence, being the main character and thus always correct. “I’m sorry for letting the Unbind Crouch charity go out of business. And for letting you die without a bed. Are you happy now?”

“Not particularly, my rage is eternal.”

“Figures,” Alexis grumbled.

————

A productive 17 hours later, kat had come up with a lot of cool new strats for 5 stack mel, finally letting them go after a lot of “what the fuck kat” and “please let me go I have a math test”. Alexis had not kissed and made up with mel in any way, shape, or form, and was contemplating what to do as she got ready for bed.

Then she got it.

alexis: guys, mel is haunting the game and we need to exorcise her.

katsumi: no we don’t

alexis: she died and then came back with a non-physical body and freaky powers. that’s like textbook haunting- also go literally anywhere online, people hate having her in the game

Jazzykins: and how is that our problem? mel is going to carry us to masters

Keiti: I want money.

alexis: I know, I want money too, but we should express solidarity with like...the valorant working man. and morals or something idk

Annie Dro: imagine having morals KEKW

katsumi: yeah, I’m with annie on this one. I mean, not on not having morals, but I don’t think we should exorcise mel 

Alexis stared at her computer screen, wondering if she should back down. The whole world was against her (not really but C9W was her whole world, bro <3). But no- she was the main character, and not only that, she was the protagonist. And she had just decided her genre.

alexis: we’re in an esports horror movie and I’m going to exorcise mel if it’s the last thing I do

And outside, thunder crashed from a mysteriously existent thunderstorm to seal her declaration.