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Sugawara Koushi was bending over at the waist, out of breath. It was the middle of practice, and he had just finished running drill with the rest of his team. One of the third years handed him his water bottle, and he nodded gratefully, taking a sip, too out of breath to thank him out loud.
He was in his second year at Karasuno High, and his job on the volleyball team seemed to be to make sure nobody killed themselves, so he probably shouldn’t have been surprised when It happened.
“Ok, let’s work on spiking. Setters, find your places at the net” the captain called, and Suga walked up to the net with the third year setter.
The rest of the team formed two lines, and he and the third setter began setting balls to them that were tossed their way. It was a very monotonous job, setting, but he liked it.
It was steady and familiar, but also required full engagement in the game and knowing your teammates, which were two of his strong suits. The ball was light and springy at his fingertips, and he adjusted the trajectory of the ball to fit each of his teammates' needs.
Next up was Tanaka, a very excitable first year, but Suga thought he could be pretty nice to be around when he wasn’t riling up the competition or drooling over Kiyoko. He enthusiastically stepped up to the net, his focus as intense as always, and his gaze was where the ball would soon be.
The volleyball arced to where it was perfectly over Suga’s head, and he pushed it back into the air in a gorgeous set, straight to Tanaka. The wing spiker jumped high, higher than Suga had seen him jump, and he hit the ball with so much power. It slammed onto the ground with so much force that everyone stopped what they were doing because of the cacophonous smack as the ball hit the floor.
“Nice one Tanaka!” the captain shouted, and Tanaka looked starstruck at the praise.
He began hollering and jumping around, all of his words unintelligible, but his glee was contagious. Suga smiled gently at him. He knew Tanaka was still learning, and hitting a spike like that was cause for celebration, but something told him Tanaka would get hyped up even when his amazing spikes became the norm.
The over-excitable first year turned to Suga with his utter exhilaration still painting his face.
“That was an awesome set, Mom!” He shouted, his hands balled into fists in front of his chest and his eyes sparkling with awe and delight.
Everyone froze and looked at Tanaka in shock. Had they heard that wrong? Tanaka looked bewildered for a second before he comprehended what he had said. An embarrassed flush colored his cheeks, and his confident stance withered away.
Someone began to giggle quietly, but was hushed when an elbow jerked into their side.
Suga was paralyzed, but it wasn’t in embarrassment. His heart was palpitating, and it felt like he was hovering over the floor. His mind kept repeating ‘mom’ in his brain. It wasn’t that Tanaka felt like Suga was a parental figure that was making him feel warm and euphoric. He knew that the first years felt that way about him, and he’d never had this feeling before.
Adrenaline was coursing through his veins, pumping glee through his body. His limbs felt like they were filled with TV static, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. If Tanaka hadn’t been staring at him in worry, then he could’ve stayed there, swimming in his glorious elation for hours.
He pulled himself out of his mind, forcing the bliss back so he could concentrate on calming Tanaka’s anxiety.
“Tanaka, it’s ok. I don’t mind that...you called me mom?” he said, but it came out awkwardly. He couldn’t figure out for the life of him what about Tanaka calling him mom sparked such a reaction.
Uh..yeah” Tanaka said, uncomfortably resting his hand on the back of his neck.
That was that, but for some reason, Suga couldn’t stop thinking about it. Everytime the words echoed through his mind, he felt the same exhilaration rush through him. It was strange, but wonderful.
Something about it just felt...right.
It was something he’d been missing for his whole life, but had never noticed until he had it. He was addicted to the feeling, but he didn’t know how to get it again other than through memories.
He could almost replicate the high he craved, but it all washed down the drain once he looked in the mirror. Dread would haunt his mind, and his fingers would tremble as he dragged them over his body.
He was too sharp. His legs and arms were slightly muscled, and not smooth and soft like he wanted them to be. His eyelashes were short, and his legs were too hairy. His hips were too narrow, and his shoulders too wide.
It made him want to rip his eyes out.
It was painful just to look in the mirror and see himself because what he saw wasn’t who he was. It was wrong.
All of it was wrong.
He stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom in his house, and just glared at his body, willing it to rearrange itself from just his eyes. He needed the stranger in the mirror to disappear.
As he was running his fingers over his flat chest, he saw a small tube of his mom’s mascara sitting on the edge of the sinks basin. Without thinking, he grabbed it and unscrewed the top, leaning over the sink to stare at his eyes in the mirror.
He carefully brought the wand to his eyes, and his fingers were almost shaking too much to apply it, but he did anyway.
It wasn’t perfect; he had smudged it onto his brow bone, his eye lashes were clumped together, and he missed some entirely, but it still made him go weak at the knees when he finally looked at himself again.
He felt dainty, soft, pretty, and most importantly, feminine. He couldn’t understand why something so small had such an impact on him, but he couldn’t stop himself from keeling over at the waist, sobs wracking his bent figure.
He didn’t even know the general category of emotions he was feeling, but he knew it was completely overwhelming. The tube of mascara dropped from his hand and rolled behind the sink.
He heard pounding footsteps outside the bathroom and urgent knocking at the door. He reached up with a trembling arm and unhooked the latch so his mother could come in. She stooped down, and cradled him in her arms, whispering sweet words into his ear that he didn’t pay attention to and asking him what was wrong, but he couldn’t answer that. He didn’t know.
She looked into his eyes in confusion, but seemed to shake it off. He sighed in relief at not being caught putting her makeup on.
He was truly lucky that the mascara was water-proof.
Later that day, he went back to the bathroom to retrieve the tube of mascara and hid it in his room. He stayed up all night huddled under his blankets, searching the internet to figure out what could possibly be wrong with him.
He hunted through his phone, typing many different things in the search bar that could barely even be considered remotely close to his issue, but he couldn’t figure out the correct words to describe it.
Near four in the morning, he stumbled across a term. A term that scared him by how much it fit.
Transgender.
Maybe he wasn’t a “he” at all. What if Suga was a “she”?
It all fit. The way her body never felt quite right. The way she pitched her voice up when she talked to herself where no one could judge her. The way she preferred people to call her Suga rather than Koushi because it felt too masculine. The way her chest was lit on fire when Tanaka associated a feminine term with her.
Suga was a girl.
It was Suga’s last day of school as a second year, three weeks after her epiphany. She hadn’t told anyone, and had just suffered through everyone unintentionally misgendering her. It felt horrible now that she knew what the curdling feeling in her stomach was from, but the fear of rejection was more powerful.
If she didn’t tell someone soon, she was going to break from the pressure, but who could she tell?
Her eyes scanned over her teammates. She couldn’t tell a third year, she wasn’t close to any of them. Another second year wasn’t a good idea either. Asahi would spill her secret if asked out of fright, and she couldn’t risk her friendship with Daichi. He was too important to her.
A first year? No, Tanaka and Noya were too loud and might shout it from the rooftops, without malice of course, but she couldn’t risk it. The other first years weren’t reliable with this type of information given that they almost never showed up to practice.
The only other option was not telling anyone, and she didn’t think she could do that. She huddled in on herself and cursed internally. She wished she had friends who weren’t on the volleyball team, friends who weren’t rambunctious teenage boys who couldn’t keep a secret for the life of them, friends…
Like Kiyoko.
Suga looked up as the other girl walked into the gym. She was perfect to tell. They were both second years, so they were automatically closer than other years, and she was definitely able to keep a secret.
Hopefully she was also accepting.
At the end of the day, instead of celebrating the start of summer like all of her classmates, Suga singled out Kiyoko and awkwardly stood a few feet away from her, waiting for her to finally be alone.
Once the few people talking to her had finally left, Suga took her chance. She shuffled her feet lethargically towards Kiyoko, and almost backed out, but lost her chance to when Kiyoko turned to her.
“Sugawara” she said questioningly, tilting her head to the side.
“Uh, Shimizu, can I speak to you...alone?” she asked, finally looking into Kiyoko’s eyes.
“...Sure” Kiyoko responded apprehensively.
They walked side by side in an uncomfortable silence towards a deserted patch of grass outside the school, and Suga was suddenly hit with the realization that Kiyoko thought she was going to confess to her. She suddenly stopped, a panicked look in her eye.
“I don’t have a crush on you!” she shouted, holding her hands in front of herself, placatingly. “I wanted to talk about something else…” she trailed off, averting her eyes again.
Kiyoko immediately relaxed, and gave Suga a rare smile. Her eyes barely crinkled and her lips were only slightly upturned, but Suga could tell it was genuine.
“In that case, would you like to come to my house to talk about it?” Her voice was soft and warm, but it sparked worry in Suga. What if she wasn’t accepting? Then she would be trapped in her house. She swallowed her anxiety and straightened her posture.
“Sure, that would be nice” she said, her voice barely shaking.
They walked in silence to Kiyoko’s house, but this time, it was a comfortable silence. Suga was still nervous, but Kiyoko’s soothing aura was making her feel safe.
Once they got to Kiyoko’s house, she immediately began boiling water for some green tea without even asking if Suga wanted some. She knew her friend could use a steamy calming of tea right now; Suga’s hands were trembling and barely holding her school bag.
They waited for the kettle to boil. The only noise was the ambient bubbling of the water merrily dancing around. The steam rose in a flurry of warmth, and the kettle whistled, alerting the girls that it was done.
Kiyoko wandered over, efficiently pouring their tea and taking it back to where Suga was sitting. She didn’t prompt Suga to begin the conversation until their tea was steeped and cool enough to start sipping.
She raised her eyebrows at Suga, whose face was blanching now that she realized it was time to talk. She set her teacup down, taking in a full breath before letting it out slowly. She just had to get it over with.
“I think...no, I’m a girl” she said, her voice stuttering. She had planned on saying that she thought she was a girl, but that wasn’t true. She knew she was a girl. It wasn’t up for debate.
Kiyoko paused to think, eyes widening. That wasn’t what she had expected Suga to say.
“Are you saying you are trans?” Kiyoko asked, her voice didn’t have any particular emotion behind it, and it scared Suga, but at least she wasn’t upset...yet.
Suga nodded, biting her lip.
“So would you like me to use she/her to refer to you now?” Kiyoko’s voice went a little softer when she saw Suga’s nervousness.
Suga looked up. She had been expecting Kiyoko to not understand, or even be angry, but so far, she seemed perfectly normal.
“Yes, that...that would be great”
Kiyoko smiled, then her eyebrows scrunched up in concentration.
“Would you like me to use a different name for you?”
It was Suga’s turn to pause. She hadn’t even thought of that.
“Well… I think I’d still like you to call me Suga, but Koushi…” Her voice trailed off and she grimaced.
“Have you thought of a new name you’d like to be called?”
Suga shook her head no.
“Well we should probably find one then. I could help if you’d like?”
“Oh that would be nice. I think I’d like to keep it similar? Maybe, like, find one that starts with K?” Suga pondered.
“You could name yourself Kiyoko” she said slyly, and Suga burst into laughter, her anxiety immediately melting away.
“N-no, no thanks” she said, trying to speak while giggling.
“Hmmmm. How about Kou?” Kiyoko asked.
“I don’t think so. Too similar”
“Ok, how about Kira?”
“Uhhhh, I don’t think so” Suga bit her lip.
“Kumi?”
Suga froze. That...that sounded nice. She slowly nodded.
“Sugawara Kumi?” Kiyoko asked, a grin stretching across her lips. “I like it”
“I like it too” Suga said, mesmerized by the sound of the name. Her name.
“Hey Suga” Kiyoko said, and Suga looked up. “Can I do your makeup?”
Suga’s eyes brightened, and she got up to dig through her schoolbag to find the tube of mascara she’d buried at the bottom of it. Ever since she has swiped it, she took it with her everywhere. It made her feel safe and whole. It made her feel like herself.
“Can you use this?” she asked hesitantly, but relaxed when Kiyoko didn’t ask and only took it with a nod.
“Wait here” Kiyoko said, getting up to get her makeup bag.
When she returned, she picked out a few products for a natural makeup look, and held up her foundation to Suga’s skin to see if it was a match. She smiled when she saw they were almost the exact same shade.
She took out a few clean brushes and applied a thin layer of her foundation to Suga's skin. The brush was soft and glided over her skin smoothly. Suga closed her eyes, just letting Kiyko have creative liberty as she’d never even touched makeup other than the mascara.
Different brushes touched her skin, and powder floated around her, but Suga kept her eyes closed until Kiyoko asked her to open them. She was holding the wand of the mascara Suga asked her to use.
It was one she’d put on very rarely when she was home alone, or in the middle of the night, too afraid of being caught to do it any other time.
Kiyoko reached her arm forward and applied it gently, and Suga sat stock still, waiting for the slightly uncomfortable yet familiar feeling of the brush close to her eyes to pass.
When Kiyoko sat back, she reached for a small hand mirror, and faced it towards her lap, gazing at Suga.
“Are you ready to see yourself?” she asked.
Suga nodded, holding a breath in apprehension. As Kiyoko turned the mirror, Suga’s excitement and anxiety both grew, but when she finally saw herself, she felt like crying in joy.
Kiyoko had given her a soft feminine contour, her cheeks were rosy, her lips were pink and glossy, and her eyes…. Whatever Kiyko had done with the mascara looked amazing.
Her eyelashes weren’t clumpy and smudged. They looked long, and the black mascara was smoothly applied so that it didn’t look like she was wearing it at all.
She felt tears pool in her hazel doe eyes, but tilted her head back, not wanting to ruin the masterpiece Kiyoko had painted on her face.
“Do you like it?” Kiyoko asked self consciously.
“I love it!” Suga shouted, her voice cracking from the emotions swirling inside her. “Can you teach me how to do it?” she asked, her voice getting quiet.
“Yeah, of course” Kiyoko said, picking her brushed back up. “I can do it on myself, and tell you what I’m doing. How does that sound?” she asked, and Suga nodded enthusiastically.
Kiyoko began commentating as she brushed, dabbed, blended and swiped across her skin, and Suga paid rapt attention to every single detail. When she was done, they began talking about the volleyball team, school, their home lives. It was all very...normal, and Suga loved it.
Kiyoko suddenly stopped speaking, her eyes fixed on one of Suga’s cheek bones.
“Wait, something’s missing…” she said, reaching forward to wipe some of the foundation off from under Suga’s eye. “Perfect” she said, leaning back and smiling.
Suga took the mirror again, and smiled along with Kiyoko when she saw she had uncovered the mole under her eye.
Suga stood outside the gym. It was the first day of her third year, right before morning practice.
Her hair now brushed her shoulders and had curtain bangs framing her face, her figure had started to soften due to the estrogen she had begun to take, she had started speech therapy to help her keep her voice high and feminine when she spoke, and she was wearing the girls uniform for Karasuno as well as a padded bra.
Her favorite part, though, was the makeup. It was the same exact thing that Kiyoko had taught her how to do those few months ago, and she’d had all summer to practice with the makeup she and Kiyoko had bought together.
Her parents, although shocked, had taken the news quite well, and they were supporting her tremendously on her journey of transitioning. Daichi and Asahi she had told later. They had grown concerned when she hadn’t communicated with them for weeks, and ended up coming to her door. They had been surprised to find Suga with makeup applied on her face, and wearing a skirt, but their confusion vanished and turned to worry when she had begun to cry at recognizing them. They were concerned for her, but when she explained, they told her that they fully supported her, and it made Suga’s heart swell.
She had never expected it to go this well.
The only problem was, they were the only people that knew. Who knew how the rest of the school would take it if they ever found out. She knew she could never be on the girls volleyball team, the school would never allow it, but she couldn’t bring herself to be on the boys team. It would trigger her dysphoria and destroy her sense of self.
Kiyoko had been the one to bring up the possibility of her being a manager as well. It wasn’t the perfect solution; Suga wouldn’t be able to play, but she could still be with the team she loved without feeling like the boy that she wasn’t.
She entered the gym and looked around. Apparently she was the first to arrive. Her nerves crawled up her throat and settled uncomfortably at the back of her mouth, making her want to gag.
She set her bag down and began setting up the gym to keep herself busy. She was lucky that the new first years wouldn’t be joining them yet; she didn’t think she was ready for that.
When she pulled the net out of the closet and began dragging it across the floor, she heard footsteps at the entrance of the gym. She looked up, and a relieved smile spread across her lips when she saw it was Kiyoko.
“Hey” she greeted, dropping the net to give Kiyoko her full attention.
“Kumi” Kiyoko smiled. “Would you like help setting up the net?” she asked.
Suga nodded, and both girls took an end of the net and began attaching it to the poles on each side of the court. They chatted idly, setting up the rest of the gym and waiting for the rest of the team to arrive.
Now that Kiyoko was here, her nerves had calmed slightly. She wasn’t alone anymore. Of course, she knew she had Asahi and Daichi as well, but something about Kiyoko just made her feel safe and accepted.
Speak of the devil, and he shall appear.
Daichi tramped through the entrance, looking as peppy as one could be this early in the morning.
“Suga, Kiyoko” Daichi greeted.
“That’s manager to you, captain” Suga teased, skipping across the room and whacking him in the ribs as a greeting.
“Well then, ~manager Sugawara~, what do you suggest-” he began playfully, but was cut off when Tanaka bared into the gym at full speed, shouting something unintelligible.
All of them jumped slightly in shock, not expecting that much energy from someone at this time of day.
“Kiyoko! You look as gorgeous as always” Tanaka shouted, hearts forming in his eyes. “Sawamura san, or should I say captain. Congrats, man!”
“Thanks Tanaka” Daichi said, deciding to ignore Tanaka’s extreme exuberance.
The second year was about to continue conversing far too loudly, but he had finally spotted Suga. He paused, eye widening.
Oh no, Suga thought. He recognized me.
“Who’s the new chick? Ohh, did we get another super hot manager?” Tanaka asked walking up to Suga, who was taken aback, amused, and pleasantly surprised. “What’s your name, beautiful?”
Suga pushed back her giggles to answer. “Sugawara”
Tanaka’s eyebrows scrunched together. “What about Suga…?” he started but his eyes widened as he fully took in Suga’s face. “Huh.” he said, dumbfounded, but it didn’t seem like he was disgusted. “So...are you a girl?” he asked, looking like he was calculating a very complex equation.
“Yes” Suga replied, deciding against explaining being trans because Tanaka looked like his head was about to explode, and anyways, he pretty much had the concept down. In simple terms, yes, but it was accurate. Suga was a girl.
“Are you a manager with Kiyoko?”
“Yeah, I am”
“So I was right. We do have two hot managers now!” Tanaka shouted with glee at being correct.
Later in the day, Suga sought out Nishinoya. She knew he wasn’t able to play for a while, but she wanted to get the talk with him over with.
She found him at lunch time, sitting under a tree with some other second years. Seeing that it was just Ennoshita, Kinnoshita, and Narita, she decided to walk up to them. Four birds with one stone, she thought.
When she was spotted, the four turned to her with matching looks of confusion, evidently not recognizing her. With how well everyone had taken it so far, she was confident enough to smile and sit down with them.
“Hello?” Ennoshita greeted, but it came out as a question.
Suga’s smile turned a little sly. “Hey, it’s Suga”
“Huh? What about Suga?” Noya asked while scarfing down his lunch at such a fast rate that Suga was worried he’d choke.
Did she really look that different?
Now that five of her teammates couldn’t recognize her, that had to mean something, right? She felt a ball of euphoria expand in her chest, but she pushed it away. That could be for later. Right now, she had to talk.
“No, I’m Suga” she explained.
All four second years completely stopped what they were doing to get a better look at her face. Ennoshita recovered from his shock first.
“Suga san...are you trans?” he asked politely.
“Yeah, I am”
“What does that mean?” Kinnoshita asked.
“Well, it means that she’s a girl. You use she/her, right?” Ennoshita asked, and Suga nodded.
“Wow! That’s super cool Suga san! Did you get a new name too?” Noya asked, excitably flailing his arms around and accidentally spitting out small pieces of half chewed food.
Narita leaned away from Noya, hoping he wouldn’t be hit by one of the projectiles coming from Noya’s mouth.
“Yeah, it’s Kumi” she responded jovially.
“That’s a really pretty name Suga san” Kinnoshita said, and Narita nodded.
Noya looked like he wanted to say more, but it was then that she noticed she was about to be late to class. She got up, said her goodbyes, and walked off to class feeling lighter than she had since she first realized she was trans.
All the people she cared for knew, and they were supportive of her.
Meeting the new first years was...an experience.
They were rowdy, energetic, uncooperative, and antagonized each other on purpose. Daichi wanted to kick two of them off the team, but she convinced him that he shouldn’t. They needed a setter after all. She wasn’t on the team anymore.
It made her sad, but she was glad that she could at least be with her teammates and guide them from the bench. The lord knows that Hinata and Kageyama needed a lot of guidance.
She helped Hinata with receiving, and she taught Kageyama how to be more of a team player. They had a lot of work to do, but it was progress.
They had a hard time working as a team, and all Suga wanted to do was step in and help out during practice. She wanted to give Hinata sets he could actually hit, show Kageyama how to set for each specific team member, help Yamaguchi with his serve, and Tsukishima, well, he was a whole other problem.
All she could do was help out from the sideline, watching her teammates as they rejoiced at an amazing spike, bent over at the waist in exhaustion, and determinedly persevered during drills even as sweat dripped down their faces.
Suga wanted so badly to be part of the team, and she knew they would let her back on in a heartbeat, but she knew deep down she wouldn’t be able to handle being on the boys team. She did the best she could to participate, anyways. She and Kiyoko threw the boys balls to hit, gave them their water bottles, and cheered on the sidelines.
It wasn’t enough.
She wanted to play. If only she had been born female, then she’d be able to play on the girls team, but she was cursed to be in this terrible dilemma. It was crushing her, to not be able to be on the court with her team, but she also didn’t want them to be her team. If they were, the invalidation of her gender would beat her into the ground.
Daichi’s eyes scanned her form as she sat with Kiyoko during practice. Her shoulders were hunched in, and her eyes were unfocused. He knew she loved playing volleyball, but that wasn’t an option for her anymore.
Or was it?
Hr ordered the team into two groups with a grin stretched across his lips. The other members of the team were confused; Why was Daichi suddenly so excited?
“We are going to play a game against each other, but I’m pretty sure we need a setter for one of the teams?” he said, turning to Suga and raising his eyebrows in invitation.
“You want me to play?” she asked, as if not believing what she had heard.
Daichi nodded, and the other third years and the second years' faces matched Daichi’s exatic smile when they realized they could play with Suga again.
“Wait, Suga san can play volleyball?” Hinata asked, tilting his head to the side.
“Yeah, I can. I used to be a setter” she said, smiling and taking a ball from Daichi.
“Why did you quit? It seems like you like volleyball” Yamaguchi piped up, looking uncomfortable when Suga’s gleeful smile dropped.
“That’s a long story I’d rather not talk about” she said, and Yamaguchi nodded. “Now, let’s get going. Don’t expect too much from me. It’s been a while since I’ve played”
Even though it took her a few minutes to fully get back into the game, she felt freer than she had in weeks. Other than when Kiyoko had first done her makeup, of course. The ball bounced off her fingertips, and it felt springy and light. Her sets weren’t perfect, but she hadn’t expected to be the same as when she had practiced vigorously everyday.
She watched the ball soar and slam down, sweat dripping off her friends' foreheads. She could see how enthused all the players were at her joining in. Not just the ones she knew before her transition.
After a few minutes, she became more comfortable with the game, and the muscle memory started to come back. She saw Asahi and Daichi give each other proud glances out of the corner of her eye, but pretended she hadn’t seen a thing.
The ball was coming towards her once more. Daichi had received a spike form Tanaka and had sent it to her. She raised her arms and positioned herself directly under where the ball would land. She quickly glanced around to see where her teammates were, and saw that Asahi was in the perfect position.
The other team knew her first instinct would be to send it to Asahi, so he had moved to where he could spike it between blockers. In the miniscule second before the ball landed exactly where she knew it would in her hands, she smirked.
Her set made a graceful arc to Asahi, but was quick enough that the other side barely had enough time to see that Asahi had moved out of their reach.
He jumped and sent the ball crashing down, right between Tsukishima and Kageyama’s outstretched hands. The echoing smack was the only sound for a moment, then an uproar of elation hit their ears.
Daichi, Asahi, and Suga all stood frozen as the rest of their team let out exclamations of delight at their amazing play. Then completely uncharacteristically, Asahi bolted straight to where Suga was standing, and scooped her up in his strong arms, praising her for her set.
She shrieked in surprise, but soon began giggling as he swung her around, forcing her to grab his shoulders.
“Asahi-Asahi, let me down” she said, but her words were barely intelligible because she was giggling too much, and the grin spread across her lips wouldn’t budge.
“That was amazing, Kumi” Daichi said, reaching up to pat her shoulder where she was still being suffocated by Asahi’s embrace.
It was the first time Daichi had used her chosen name, and she felt bubbles of joy float around in her chest, bouncing off her ribcage.
“It wasn’t just me. You two had the harder jobs” she said.
Daichi rolled his eyes. “Stop being humble. Take the compliment, and Asahi, put her down. She can’t breath”
Asahi flushed slightly and set her down gently, mumbling an apology which Suga immediately told him to take back. He didn’t need to apologize for anything.
She looked around at the rest of the team, and saw that they were all delighted. Hinata had excited sparks in his eyes, and Kageyama looked slightly shocked and impressed, which made something inside of her preen at the attention. If she had impressed a setter like Kageyama, she had to be good.
“Why would you ever quit if you are this good?” Hinata asked, almost bouncing up and down.
Her heart increased its pace, and her palms got sweaty. “Well… It wasn’t really my choice to quit.” she said quietly, and Hinata’s eyes scrunched in confusion.
“You don’t have to tell us anything if you don’t want to” Yamaguchi said quickly. His voice was a little panicked, not wanting to upset his upperclassman.
Those words made her pause. She wasn’t planning on telling them, but something about being given the option to opt out of an explanation made her want to tell them. Having them respect her boundaries felt nice. They didn’t do anything that made them deserve an explanation, but now it seemed like something she wanted to do.
She looked into the faces of each of the first years. They were all curious, even Tsukishima looked interested though he was trying to hide it.
“I...I might tell you after practice. I’ll think about it until then, but for now, get back to work” she cheerfully ordered.
The team nodded and got back into their positions. The rest of the game passed slowly; she could tell that the first years were distracted, wondering what could have stopped her from continuing to play.
Daichi sent her a look. She could tell he was concerned that she felt pressured to tell them, so she gave him a smile and nodded. He looked relieved, then went back to being fully focused on the game.
The first years became sloppy as their minds were racing with possibilities about Suga’s predicament. Each idea they came up with was more outlandish and unlikely than the last, but none of their tamer theories made sense for what they knew.
Everyone sat in a sloppy circle, lethargically sipping at the water bottles or quietly conversing. Well, quietly excluding Tanaka, Noya, and Hinata, who were all speaking far too loud for the atmosphere in the gym, but Daichi was too tired to scold them.
All of a sudden, Suga felt curious eyes roaming over her person, and she turned her head to see Yamaguchi studying her. He jumped when he noticed her eyes on him, and he blushed fiercely, turning away.
She kept her eyes on him, trying to keep her face neutrally pleasant so he would speak up. He glanced at her again, and finally broke when he saw her questioning gaze.
“Uhh… Sugawara san?” he asked, and she raised her eyebrows, silently requesting him to continue. “Well, have you decided if you’d tell us...y’know” he finished awkwardly.
“Oh, yes! I think I will tell you” she said, straightening up and folding her hands in her lap.
“Would you like the rest of us to leave?” Daichi asked, but was already herding the second years out with Asahi and Kiyoko following behind.
Once the rest of the team left, Suga turned back to the first years, all of whom were fiercely gazing at her, curiosity dancing in their eyes.
Ok, so do any of you know what it means to be transgender?” she inquired, deciding there was no point in beating around the bush.
Yamaguchi’s eyes lit up, piecing everything together, but he didn’t say anything. Tsukishima had a knowing look in his eye, but pretended to be uninterested otherwise. Kageyama looked completely bewildered, and he looked like he was doing rocket science in his head, trying to figure out what she was talking about. Hinata had his head tilted to the side, pondering.
“I-I think I know what it means?” Hinata said, scrunching his eyebrows together in thought. “It means that someone was born a girl, but wants to be a boy, or the other way around, right?”
“Well, almost. It doesn’t mean you want to be a different gender. It means you are a different gender, just born in the wrong body” she explained patiently.
Hinata nodded, understanding, but Kageyama looked even more lost, but he didn’t seem to be angry or disgusted.
Yamaguchi just nodded at her explanation, showing his support.
“I’m confused” Kageyama said bluntly.
“Well, say someone was born male, but they didn’t feel like a boy, they felt like a girl. They want to present as a girl and have people use she/her pronouns for her. There are also surgeries for sex correction. It can also be the opposite, like someone who was born female but is a boy” Yamaguchi jumped in to save Suga from explaining yet again.
Kageyama seemed less confused, but also concerned at the mention of surgery. “Ok… but why are we talking about this?” he asked, not unkindly, just puzzled.
“Well isn’t it obvious?” Hinata piped up. “Sugawara senpai is transgender” he stated, pointing to Suga.
“That’s right, Hinata” Suga smiled, glad that none of them seemed like they wouldn’t accept her.
Tsukishima nodded at her, attempting to show his support, and she was grateful for him even trying.
“So… would you like us to use he/him for you?” Yamaguchi asked, and if Suga were drinking anything, it would have been spewed all over the floor in front of her.
She let out a surprised bout of mirth, and Yamaguchi looked up in shock, quick to apologize.
“No, no, Yamaguchi, don’t apologize. I was just surprised. You got it the other way around” she said with a grin stretched across her lips. That was one way to feel gender euphoria. “I’m male to female” she explained.
Yamaguchi startled with sudden realization, and his lips formed an O, the syllable ghosting out of his mouth.
“So...are you a boy or a girl?” Kageyama asked, perplexed.
“”I’m a girl, but I was assigned male at birth” Suga said. “But I would caution you to not ask people that question. You can ask “What are your pronouns?” or “What is your gender?” instead, though” she added on.
Kageyama’s eyes widened, and he hastened to apologize profusely, but Suga cut him off with an encouraging smile.
“Don’t worry, Kageyama. I know you are new to this concept, and you are bound to have questions, just don’t ask other people that. It didn’t bother me, though”
Kageyama nodded, still looking worried and apologetic.
“I’m guessing that they won’t let you play on the girls team? And you don’t want to be on the boys team?” Yamaguchi asked.
“That would be correct. I wish I could still play, though. I love volleyball so much, but unfortunately, it seems I’ll never be able to be on a team” she said wistfully, her gaze on the ceiling.
“Well why don’t you just practice with us and not play in games? You’d be able to play, but you wouldn’t actually be on the boys team. It was really fun when you joined us today” Hinata said.
Suga stared. That was...actually not a bad idea. She’d be able to play, but not have to go through the torture of being on the boys team. She could just be the girl who managed and practiced with the boys team, not one of the “boys” on the team.
“Wow. I can’t believe you used your tiny little brain for once” Tsukishima drawled, smirking, and Yamaguchi laughed beside him.
“Hey! My brain is not tiny! You’re the one with the tiny brain, Sucky-shima!” Hinata shrieked.
“I think that’s a really good idea, Hinata. I’d have to talk to Daichi, though, because I don’t want to disturb your practices” she said.
“You didn’t disturb us at all” Yamaguchi said, also looking excited at the possibility of her joining in during practices.
Suga grinned a cheshire cat grin. It spread across her lips and put her teeth on full display. Her eyes crinkled so much she could barely see, but she didn’t care. It wasn’t the prospect of playing again that caused her to smile. It was that once again, everyone she cared for knew. They knew, and they supported her.
Of course, the possibility of playing volleyball again didn’t hurt her mood.
When she proposed the idea to Daichi, his eyes lit up. He was also ecstatic about being able to play with Suga again, and it made her heart swell. Everything was back to normal, or well, as normal as it could be.
She felt more connected to the team, and now that she was training more, her skills grew. She was able to better help the team on the court rather than on the sidelines, and she could still do her duties as a manager with Kiyoko because it wasn’t necessary that she train during practice. It was just something she could do for fun.
All the stress of playing disappeared now that she was just doing it for recreational purposes, Of course, she was still determined to get the team to win as much as possible, but she didn’t feel the pressure of having herself be the best she could possibly be.
She was also glad that she didn’t have to deal with being replaced by Kageyama. She knew the others would disagree, but she was sure that if she was an official member of the team, Kageama would’ve taken her spot as the official setter. It was nice that she didn’t have to deal with that.
The only time her situation felt more like a curse than a blessing was when their first practice match was approaching. She desired to be able to play on the court with the team, but she knew she couldn’t.
Another thing that was bothering her was the loneliness that plagued her heart. It wasn’t because she didn’t have friends. She did, and they were all wonderful, and she was glad to have each and every one of them.
It was the loneliness from desperately longing for a lover she knew would never come, for how could anyone love her when there were plenty of girls who were actually born female?
The sense of being alone followed her like a shadow only she could see. Her eyes followed many girls and boys through the hallways, but her gaze always dropped when she saw them with their partners. She knew it would be incredibly difficult for her to find a relationship like that.
She had been told many times how likable she was, how her personality drew people in, that she was beautiful and unique looking with her grey hair and moles. She just couldn’t see how anyone would want her with the body that she had. She could hide herself with skirts and padded bras, but she knew it would take surgery for her to look how she felt on the inside. Those surgeries were expensive and came with the possibility of horrible scars, though.
Once again, she wished she had just been born a female. It would have made her life simple and happy instead of the torture she was living through everday that no one else could see or feel.
She had finally accepted her position on the sideline when she walked into the Aoba Johsai gym with her team. Even though it was a practice game, they were all stoney-faced and grim, especially Kageyama.
He didn’t seem to want to reunite with his former upperclassman, and considering all the things she had heard about Oikawa from him, she didn’t want to meet him either.
They entered the gym, scoping out the competition. Suga was surprised; Oikawa was nowhere to be seen. Wasn’t he the captain?
Annoyance reared its head in her chest. He was apparently some god at setting, and he couldn’t even show up for a practice match? Did he look down on them that much that it wasn’t worth it to him to even play them?
Both teams began warm-ups, and Kiyoko, Suga, and Takeda sensei all went to sit on a bench together to discuss strategy, even though they knew it would be up to Daichi in the end.
Of course, Suga knew ways to convince Daichi to, ahem, change his mind. (A good karate chop never failed her).
She didn’t see any reason why she should have to “convince” him of anything right now, though. The stakes could not be lower, and it was just for practice. Why not let Daichi be in charge of the team on his own?
She straightened up when the warm-up ended, and felt a burst of pride explode in her when she saw Daichi giving the team directions, too far away to hear the details. She and Kiyoko stood and headed to the scoreboard to keep track of the points as there was no referee.
Yamaguchi joined them, seemingly unsure of what to do, so Suga smiled at him, communicating that he’d done the right thing. He very obviously relaxed, and set his attention onto the court. Everyone's faces were concentrated and determined, and anyone who walked in right now would think it was an actual game and not a practice match.
The match seemed to pass in a blur. Suga was flipping score tiles absentmindedly, and was barely focusing on anything other than taking note of each player's unique style.
She memorized numbers and the names that went along with them, positions, strengths, weaknesses, and more. She catalogued them in her brain by their threat level. She was probably over doing it, but her mind was in game mode.
Everything stopped when Oikawa finally walked in. He was apologizing for his lateness and saying something about a doctor and a sprain, but Suga wasn’t paying attention to his words.
It wasn’t love at first sight, quite the opposite actually.
Irrational irritation bubbled through her veins. She wanted to smack that cocky smirk off his face, and not in the loving way she did with her friends. She had absolutely no basis for her immediate dislike of him except for what she had heard from Kageyama, but it wasn’t even that which caused the intense feelings flowing through her.
It was just a gut feeling that she didn’t like this guy.
The match was over. Both teams were silently and aggressively packing up their things. The only one who seemed unaffected by the atmosphere was Oikawa. He was lazily chatting with their ace, Iwaizumi, who looked extremely irked, but wasn’t cutting Oikawa off.
Suga was tasked with refilling the boys’ water bottles for the journey home, and she was extremely relieved to be able to leave the tenseness of the gym.
She set the crate of bottles down next to the drinking fountain and began refilling them one by one. It was very methodical, and the monotonous buzzing of the fountain was kind of relaxing after all the shouting and squeaking of shoes on the court.
The peace was disturbed by the rhythmic footsteps of another person. She looked up and was startled by seeing Oikawa. He was sauntering towards her confidently with an arrogant smile on his face that was probably supposed to be charming, but missed the mark.
She raised her eyebrows, willing him to speak, so this interaction could be over with sooner.
“Hello, Manager chan~” he quipped, smirking and leaning against the wall, attempting a kabedon.
“Hello” she said, not offering anything else to the conversation.
“So… I was wondering if you’d like my number” he drawled, attempting to look bored, but she easily spotted the anticipation in his eyes, and she rolled her own.
He was so conceited as to ask if she wanted his number instead of asking for her own? She hadn’t thought that badly of him, but he was making it quite obvious that she should’ve.
“No, thank you. I do not want your number” she denied him.
“Come on, Manager chan. Can I at least get your number?” he whined.
She was surprised at his determination. She thought this was just an attempt to get more girls in his little fanclub, but it seemed like he genuinely wanted to get to know her more. Too bad for him.
“No” she said firmly.
His face was shocked, and maybe a little hurt, but he covered it up quickly.
“Well then, what’s the beautiful name that goes along with that beautiful face of yours” he purred, reaching out to try to grasp her chin.
She moved away before he could touch her, the annoyance now clear on her face. She was luckily finally done refilling all of the water bottles, and began placing them all in the crate.
“You don’t get to know that either. I bet it was refreshing to have someone finally reject you?” she leered, and left as swiftly as he had appeared.
Suga was walking through a park alone. It was barely light outside, and she was getting nervous. She had left her house to take a walk alone, knowing it would be dark soon, and with the confidence she had when she was male presenting. She had felt confident in her safety, but now she was doubting that.
She cursed herself internally. She knew that it wasn’t safe for girls and women to walk alone at night, but it had slipped her mind because she hadn’t grown up with that fear. She kept glancing around herself, trying to stay near the street lamps, but she would have to venture into pure darkness to get back home.
She debated calling her parents or Daichi, but didn’t want to bother them with something as silly as this, even if she knew in her heart she wasn’t being dramatic.
She saw a group of men, seemingly drunk, ambling past the park she was stationed at, and she tried to inconspicuously back away before they could spot her.
She turned to head deeper into the park, towards the play structure, and spotted another large male figure, sitting on a stationary swing. His form was slightly familiar, but what really gave him away was the artistically messy hair that she knew he spent hours perfecting.
She glanced back at the group of men who were dangerously close to spotting her, and decided to swallow her pride in favor of safety. Hopefully it would be safety.
She walked as quickly as she could to the swings without drawing the gazes of the men to her, and held her breath as she got closer. It was definitely Oikawa, but he had a pair of glasses perched on his straight nose.
He looked up when he heard her footsteps, and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. His face twisted with a twinge of dejection, but he covered it up just as quickly as he’d done before.
“Hello, Miss Refreshing” he greeted, standing up.
She was taken aback by the nickname, but shrugged it off in favor of glancing back at the group of men in the distance to see if they had left yet. They hadn’t.
“Oikawa san-” she started, but was cut off.
“Are they bothering you?” he asked, straightening up to glare at the men who weren’t even looking in their direction.
“No. I just got...scared” she admitted, and blushed fiercely. She was being such a coward. She couldn’t even handle walking home by herself-
“Do you want me to walk you home?” he offered, stopping her thoughts in their tracks.
She had not expected that. She thought he’d laugh and poke fun at her a bit in retaliation for her rejecting him. Maybe he wasn’t what she’d first expected him to be?
He began to panic because of her lack of an answer, and quickly started to backtrack.
“I don’t have to. I just thought since you-”
“I’d love it if you walked me home. Thank you” she said, deciding to be civil since his character was now a big question mark in her head.
He looked confused, but gleeful, and he offered her an arm to take as she began guiding him to her house. As they passed the group of men, she drew closer to him, and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders protectively, glaring at the men as they began hollering at her.
When they were finally out of sight of the men, she let out a relieved breath, and moved away from Oikawa slightly. He looked disappointed at that, but she didn’t see his face.
“I...I’d like to apologize for hitting on you” he started awkwardy.
She raised her eyebrows, this whole interaction was far different than she had expected. She let him continue, wanting to know what he had to say.
“I’m also sorry for coming across too strong. It was not my intention to make you uncomfortable. I’m just not used to…” he blushed a bright red she could see even in the darkness.
“Being rejected” she finished his sentence with a smirk, and he nodded looking away.
“Yes, that. I just- I don’t actually flirt very often, but I saw how you interacted with your team, and I just wanted to get to know you better. I won’t flirt with you again” he promised.
She paused for a moment, pondering. “Well… I’m starting to want you to flirt with me again” she said, staring straight ahead.
He tripped slightly, not expecting that, and she caught his lanky arm, keeping him from fully falling over. He tried to speak, but she cut him off.
“I thought you were some kind of player who flirted with every girl in sight and left them heartbroken. I seem to have miscalculated, though” she turned her head to give him a soft smile.
He returned her smile with a slight flush coloring his cheeks. “May I have your number now?”
“Oh- ummm, there’s something I need to tell you first” she said, looking away. Nerves flowed through her like blood, and her heart started beating wildly. She’d never told anyone she wasn’t close to before, but if her and Oikawa’s relationship grew, she didn’t want him to leave her for being trans after she had already gotten attached. The best time to tell him was now.
He looked straight into her face, waiting for her to speak. She took a deep breath, readying herself.
“I’m transgender” she said bluntly and looked into his face to gauge his reaction.
He seemed surprised. His eyes widened, and he stiffened slightly. He looked her over once, then looked back into her eyes.
“Ok” he said. His voice was steady and sure, but Suga had a hard time figuring out what he was thinking.
Was he disgusted? Did he not want her number anymore? Was he-
Oikawa seemed to sense her inner turmoil and hastened to respond further. “I’m totally fine with that. Thank you for telling me. So...can I get your number?”
She smiled, and took his phone to type in her number. She sent herself a text and waited for the responding ding of her own phone before they continued walking to her house.
Maybe she wouldn’t be alone forever.