Archive of Our Own ^beta

As the Kim Dokja Company knows, Kim Dokja is known for not forgetting anything. It always seemed that he had a big library in his head, and he could just pick up anything he needed for the upcoming scenarios. So it became a big surprise when he just... Stopped remembering.

At first, it didn't seem like it was a big deal, he was just not remembering what he had for lunch, or if he had lunch at all. They blamed it on the lack of sleep, he was always reading the new chapters Han Sooyoung wrote for him, he (obviously) liked the new story of his favorite writer, he didn't love it (at least not like twsa) but it's was rather new for him, like always, leaving comments to talk about the characters and their story. So seeing him with eyebags wasn't out of the ordinary, until one morning, a certain main character noticed he was forgetting a little bit too much.

"What are you cooking, Joonghyuk-ah?" Kim Dokja pads into the kitchen, a little giddy.

Yoo Joonghyuk ignores him, resuming his task to chop the chicken breast into fine pieces. Jeong Huiwon, who sees the exchange as she pours herself a glass of water, says, "Your favorite."

Yoo Joonghyuk gives her a betrayed glare, but Huiwon just snickers as she takes her water bottle and exits the kitchen. Meanwhile, Kim Dokja is tilting his head, confused. "My favorite?"

Yoo Joonghyuk exhales, the tips of his ears a little pink. There's no way he's admitting it.

But before Joonghyuk could sink in embarrassment, Kim Dokja's confused words reached his ears. "But I don't have a favorite dish?"

Joonghyuk looks at him like he's a weird fungus. By now, it's common knowledge that Kim Dokja worships omurice. Particularly Yoo Joonghyuk's omurice.

"Is this you saying you don't wanna eat my cooking?"

Kim Dokja's eyes widen. "How could you even reach that conclusion? Of course I'll eat it! I'll eat anything you made!" He pauses, then grumbles, "No need to make me admit it out loud."

Yoo Joonghyuk's eyebrow furrow. In fact, he doesn't.

Kim Dokja won't eat anything with raw tomatoes in it, even if it's something personally cooked by Joonghyuk. Something goes off in the back of Joonghyuk's head. He isn't sure what it is, but centuries of being in an apocalyptic world has trained him.

And now, his gut tells him something is wrong.

"Kim Dokja, what's your favorite food?"

Dokja stops his grumbling to answer, "Eh? Nothing, really. I guess my upbringing prevented me from being picky- ah, forget I said that.."

Joonghyuk ignores his last statement, eyes narrowing.

"Do you have any fruits or vegetables you don't like?"

Dokja raises an eyebrow. "I meant it when I said I don't have any particular preference, Joonghyuk-ah. I don't really like or dislike anything."

Liar. He loathes tomatoes.

Joonghyuk goes on, "How do you like your egg?"

"Eh... I guess just a normal sunny side up?"

He likes his egg whites crispy, and his yolk softly cooked.

"What about tea?"

"Uhh... Jasmine?"

He prefers coffee.

"Milk?"

"Just plain milk? What's with you?"

He likes banana milk.

By now, Joonghyuk's heartbeat has quickened enough for him to be uncomfortable. He abandons his knife and holds Kim Dokja's shoulders. The man in question just stares at him like he had eaten something weird.

"Really, what's with you today?" Kim Dokja says, concerned.

Hah. Who should be concerned about whom? Yoo Joonghyuk pins Kim Dokja with his eyes.

"Kim Dokja, don't lie to me. What's wrong with you?"

Dokja just sends back a frown. "Isn't that my line?"

Joonghyuk grits his teeth as he spills every answer Dokja should have said.

Dokja's eyes shake. "I... I don't understand..."

Joonghyuk tightens his jaw. The traumatic memory of Kim Dokja's splitted soul is still fresh in his mind.

"Kim Dokja, since when did this happen?"

Kim Dokja, for once, doesn't know the answer.

How did this happen? When did Kim Dokja, The Demon King Of Salvation, The Reader of twsa, not know this simple answer about himself.

They both looked at each other for longer than it should have been, the eggs in the background seemed to be burning. Jeong Huiwon took a step back and said out loud.

"I'm gonna tell the others to get here, don't move" and with that, she got out of the room and went looking for the other members of their company.

Dokja wanted to stop her, obviously, it wasn't that big of a deal, in fact, the fact that he could eat more food was a good thing, right? He was always a bit picky on his school lunch, throwing away his tomatoes and not eating certain foods because they felt weird in his mouth. Wait. Did he really throw the lunches? It really was a waste of food, wasn't it? But did he even have food in the first place? Why are so many questions unanswered? He was the only one who had the answers (most of the time, other times were his companions and maybe Bihyung when a new scenario had appeared), where were his memory's going? This shouldn't affect him too much, it was just some silly memories after all. There was no real damage, right? What if-

*SMACK*

Abruptly Joonghyuk hits Dokja on his head, (he obviously wasn't going to hit hard but even with the littlest strength he put, he still had a heavy hand) the thoughts going away as he looked into Joonghyuk's face, he felt his face heating up, but he quickly put away those feelings too.

"Tell me Dokja, when did this happen?"

Blank, it was all a blur, like a stun grenade was thrown into his thoughts. When DID this happen? It couldn't be... Wait.. he read something about a disease...? Dokja really doesn't remember, it couldn't have been important, he would remember it if it was, right?

There was a calm moment of silence before Dokja's company entered the room. 

"Ajjushi!! What happened? Losing memories before 40? Knew you were old but not THIS old haha!" Lee Jiyhe said as she entered the room.

"Jiyhe! We don't know if this is a situation that requires the seriousness of a laughing matter!" Lee Hyunsung said trying to keep a straight face, he liked to joke with Jiyhe, sometimes they would bond over that or trauma.

"Appa! Is something wrong?" Shin Yoosung said trying to be loud and clear as possible but also gentle since she was holding a sleeping Biyoo in her hands. Biyoo could now change her form, whether it was a size or her human form she could do it, it was kinda weird seeing them both in their human forms, they looked like twins, and even behaved like sisters, but Biyoo had her red eyes and her horn to tell apart.

"Ajjushi, what happened?" Lee Gilyoung said while standing next to Yoosung.

Soon after, Yoo Sangah and Han Sooyoung entered the room too.

As per usual, Han Sooyoung always teased Dokja a little upon seeing him.

"YA! Dokja! Remember 'I'm the protagonist!'" She said grinning as she slapped is back.

Dokja just looked at her, clearly confused. 'I'm the protagonist'? He denies with his head "I've never said that? First and foremost, I will and always be, a reader. You know this"

Sooyoung was about to crack another joke until she looked at him, he was dead serious. There wasn't anything that she could pick up that what he said was a joke. She made a rather rude but understandable question hence the situation.

"Dokja, do you remember that day?" It really couldn't be, It Shouldn't be. It- "I really don't know what are you talking about" Dokja said.

She frowns, this man, incarnation, constellation? Dokja has a sentient skill and a library inside this tini tiny brain, it would make it impossible for him to forget something, even if it was small.

She quickly pulls out her phone and searches for the symptoms. And clicks on the newest result.

Memoria Oblitus, the disease was fairly recent in these times, so recent in fact that it didn't have a scientific cure. It was when you fell in love with someone but you bottle up your emotions for them, this caused you to crack your stories/fables and have either big or small gaps, depending on how many emotions you were building up. Sometimes if the fable was really small and short it would just crack and be scattered between space and time, not ever to be remembered again, but if the fable was big and had more time, sometimes the cracks were big enough to still be remembered even just for a moment before, they too, were scattered.

Sometimes, the person was so cherished in their crushed story that all of their stories would break and only the body of the person remained, it wasn't dead but there definitely wasn't a soul or story left for them. It was just an empty vase that couldn't be filled up. They deteriorate faster than any other human, because of their lack of story and no structure to sustain any.

Sooyoung couldn't believe it, no, she absolutely could. Of course, this dumbass was going to bottle up his feelings towards Joonghyuk, especially when the other dumbass liked him back. Though, neither of them knew because they were so stupidly perfect for each other.

She knew this disease very well, she's had it. If she didn't get a push from Huiwon and Gilyoung (which was a terrible force to be reckoned with, since when did they become such good friends?) about telling her feelings about Sangah, she would have forgotten to update the new chapter of her new web novel. No wonder Dokja was weird these few weeks, wait, wasn't it months? It was a fairly recent decease after all.

She stood on the coffee table, getting angry looks from Joonghyuk and some tired looks from Sangah. She told everyone to shut up and listen to her.

"Look as much I like to see Dokja suffer"

"Wow, thanks..." Dokja replied sarcastically

"No problem" she backfired "I need to talk with him and Sangah alone, now if you excuse us-"

"No," Joonghyuk interrupted abruptly, getting weird stares from the kids and shocked one from most of the adults. "I'm coming too"

"Excuse me, mister MC but this is private" Han Sooyoung bickered

"I know," he said, still with a serious look on his face "hence why you should let me listen" the room was silent, was this dumbass...?

[Life And Death Companions continues its story]...

Both Dokja and Joonghyuk looked at each other, there was a connection, without saying any words, not even with their private chat, they seemed to talk telepathically. As if they were in a normal conversation

-Is it okay if I listen to what Sooyoung has to say?

-I think so, I wouldn't know, but it would be nice if you were there too

It was short, sure, but it was all they needed to get both of them standing beside each other and ready to go where Sooyoung was taking them.

The bedroom was large (at least compared to Dokja's room when he was little) but the atmosphere made it small and compact, the tension between the eyes of Sooyoung and Joonghyuk could cut hard steel. Like him, Sangah didn't know what was going on.

Sooyoung sighed and leaned towards her lover and whispered, Dokja couldn't remember what skill he bought but he could hear them, clearly at that.

"I think Dokja has Memoria Oblitus" she whispered, "All of his symptoms match with mine, though I think it's getting worse, we have to"-

He couldn't hear more, he was tired. He didn't sleep today because of the new chapter Sooyoung wrote today, even though he had magnificent skills, (he could read the entirety of twsa in less than 5 minutes thanks to that skill) unfortunately it doesn't work with novels he hadn't read before. 

He knew that they would bring up his little silly crush on Joonghyuk, it was really just a crush (not that reading an entire novel, passed all the scenarios, suffered through his trauma, and died multiple times added to that crush, nope, not in a million years), it was stupid, why were they worried about him? Again. This was supposed to be their "■■" this was the epilogue, but why didn't it feel like it? Did he have to take this little step in stone to reach "■■"? Why. Why couldn't go to Dokja's plans? He always had to sacrifice something, we always had to sacrifice something. That’s how the world works, but now, to an audience of constellations upon them.

Dokja felt someone grab his wrist, on a normal day he could easily get out of the grasp, to anyone but Joonghyuk. And of course, the main protagonist had held onto his skinny little wrist. Wait, skinny? He was sure he was eating enough, even had more snacks because of the kids that wanted to watch weekly movies with him (and obviously the rest of the company, but he knew those kids were always competing for his attention), wait did they even have those anymore? It stopped after a while, right? How many weeks ago was that? This was a recent memory, it couldn't have... Cracked that easily. Right? Was that memory not important to him? 

"Dokja," said his companion with an intense look, how long had Joonghyuk been waiting for a reaction? His body just froze; he couldn't move, not easily at least. "Can you remember Han Myungoh?" He continued. Of course, he can remember Han Myungoh, he only had to describe him right?

He had a kid, right? Em... He had glasses, he was pretty sure they worked together at some point, but he couldn't remember if it was before or after the scenarios started.

"Can you remember the color of his eyes? The name of his daughter?" Joonghyuk asked, the color of his eyes? the name of his kid? Wait, daughter? the kid was a girl, why were so many questions thrown at him? He started to panic, his breathing growing more and more until his vision was blurry, was he gonna cry? He didn't feel sad. Were his eyes not focusing? Fuck he had to focus this was important after all, his- this stupid little crush was getting out of hand. And without a warning Sooyoung said.

"Dokja has Memoria Oblitus"

The room, somehow more silent than before. His world was going down, the weight of his feelings about to burst. He couldn't move, he couldn't speak, time had stopped for him. The before glaring at a now worried look from Joonghyuk was giving him chills down his spine, how can he put so much emotion into his eyes with little movement from his face? Was it a skill? No, it wasn't, he remembers all if not most of Joonghyuk's skills, he wouldn't have bought something that useless, for him at least, was it an obtained skill? Did he obtain it from a scenario that he didn't know? Impossible, he knew about this world like the back of his hand. But this Joonghyuk wasn't like the Joonghyuk he had read in twsa, the little differences made him unique, and that was all thanks to Kim Dokja, was it? Did everything change because of one person only? Did he really know this world like the back of his hand?

Oh god, how long had he been there standing saying nothing? He had to interrupt.

"No, I don't" great, perfect. That definitely wasn't defensive and a lie, he knew, of course, he knew. He didn't want to admit it though, he could just say he had amnesia or even dementia. Yeah, that could work, for like, a week.

"Yes, you do" Sooyoung encountered "in fact, the person he loves is here"

Well you didn't have to say it like THAT, okay, he could manage, he could say he had a crush on Sangah, she would forgive him, Sooyoung may hate him for having a crush on her girlfriend though, ughh why was this so hard? It isn't difficult, just get out of the room. IF HE COULD MOVE, this was starting to get pathetic for little old Dokja, he wanted to scream, or even turn into a squid again, anything. Anything for his little ego and pride that he has left, especially in front of Joonghyuk, he knew he was weak, but didn't want to show it, yeah he was weak but he could always manage.

"Is it me?" Joonghyuk said.

He was going to be disappointed, wasn't he? Poor Dokja had little energy left and could only nod

...

HE NODDED, OH GOD , OH NO, THIS WASN'T HAPPENING. His knees felt so weak and wiggly, he started to feel hot, a headache? No, probably just massive blushing, beyond embarrassed. His eyes were getting watery, some eye drops were starting to fall to his cheeks, oh god he was really ugly now wasn't he? He knew he was an ugly crier, Jiyhe had mentioned to him before, or was it Heewon?

Suddenly his body was still, he didn't know he was trembling until Joonghyuk hugged him, pause, wait a moment, a minute, a century even. Yoo Joonghyuk, THE Yoo Joonghyuk, was hugging him, it felt so safe, so warm, even though Joonghyuk was younger than him, he was almost covered completely by Joonghyuk. Even though he wanted to return said hug, he still couldn't move, his legs failed, and with no strength, he gave out.

Blurry.

Blurry again.

There was a blob of color or rather lack of it, it was black and it was staring at him.

He tried to get up but the blob pushed him down, was it saying something? He couldn't decipher the language, it was blurry again, but not so lonely, whatever that blob was, it was holding his hand. Safe again, was it Joonghyuk? No, the room wasn't anything like the house they lived in. Did he meet this blob before? All that he could see and feel has a left hand and someone with an eye patch. They looked injured, Dokja hoped that they were okay.

His eyes started to work again.

The world was a blur, but not like before, he could actually hear more than white silence, this time some casual conversation between Joonghyuk and Sooyoung, did they start to have normal conversations when he was knocked out? He tried to decipher the words but before he even started, it seemed that the conversation had ended. They both looked at him with a relieved look.

"Hey Dokja, how are you holding up?" Sooyoung said surprisingly soft, he had never heard that tone before. He was in a hospital bed, only the three of them were in the room. 

"As great as I can be" He said, what could have they talking about? He couldn't use his skill to hear their thoughts, he was still tired from his blackout, how much he had been sleeping? As if he was heard Sooyoung commented. "you were out for almost a week, seriously dude, how much lack of sleep do you have?"

"Guess about a week's sleep" He says trying to grin, he was still tired, but there was a soft hand holding his. thumb rocking back and forth, safe, again, warm, he couldn't help but smile at the slightest touch of affection he hadn't received when he was a child, ever since his dad was... he lived alone, well obviously with a legal protector, and they tried their best, they really tried, he felt bad but at the time he wasn't mentally stable, well... he still wasn't but at least he could deal with it now.

“I’ll leave you two alone, it seems like you have something important to talk about,” As Sooyoung said that she was already at the door, but before leaving the room she added “Please don’t come crawl back to me, I don’t want to put up with your ugly crying with Sangah comforting you” Ah, so that’s where he heard it. And with that she left, leaving Joonghyuk and him alone as they can be. There still were, of course, the constellations listening to their soon-to-be-started conversation, he couldn’t help but feel that Uriel and his lovely mother of the underworld.

Even though Joonghyuk was good, even perfect, at anything he tried, like a good protagonist, he doesn't deal with social interactions very well. It's very evident since the day Dokja knew about Joonghyuk (whether that day was the day he read about him or the day he actually meet him) that he was a person of few words, he and Dokja had a confusing relationship from that day, at first they hated each other, but then they called each other companions, the persons that were at the top of their priorities and lastly, Life and Death Companions. As much as Joonghyuk tried to connect with the other members of their company, he could only click with Dokja, and so, he tried to click with him again.

"I know that talking about the disease you definitely have," he said, focusing on the word 'definitely' as in an attempt to state that Dokja, did in fact, have that disease. "I want to talk about me"

Dokja could only think 'of course this sunfish bastard had to make everything about him, well… it was technically about him, but still, he is direct as always'

"I've always thought that caring about someone will one prejudice the ending result," Dokja (obviously) knew this, but it was always the only way that they had to think to reach the "■■", ''and this regression…" the tension building up. "I didn't think that way"

"You, as annoying and dumb that you are," well, rude "you are also really smart," okay, this was a first, Dokja was never called this, it would always be ugly, weak, and much more than he couldn't think right now. "You know about this world more than anyone, you always had a plan for everything, even if it meant sacrificing yourself for others," Dokja winced at that statement, he knew, he knew that was the last option, to keep everyone he cared about safe, to keep Joonghyuk from regressing. "And as you sacrificed yourself, every time I thought, 'I don't want him to do that ever again' I was never sure whether you would come back. All those times, I thought about regressing, but I wasn't sure if I regressed you would come back" Neither of them knew, if Joonghyuk had regressed, would Dokja be back? It was a great risk. (That neither he nor Dokja would take) "And because of that risk, I never did. You kept everyone safe, you kept me safe" He looked at Dokja with serious but yet soft eyes "I never once called someone a Companion, until I met you."

Dokja’s eyes shake, Joonghyuk, the man who would regress so many times to have the perfect “■■”, just called him a companion, he’s head this many times but never knew why.

“I never cared for anyone else like I care for you, of course, I love my sister and the other members of the company, but I never had the courage to regress after I met you. You went and broke all of my expectations, you went and sacrificed everything. Much like I did before I encountered you, but, you always made it work, you knew the stakes and challenged destiny. And with time, I wanted to get to know you, the real you,”

The real me…?

“I know… we know that you always put a facade, keeping us away from your past, but please… at least let me know more about you as you know about me”

Well, this was a first, no one ever wanted to hear him before, especially about him. Would Joonghyuk be okay with that? Talk about his trauma with him? Would he listen? or would he just complain like the other members of his company, not that they meant any harm, but there wasn’t always a time when he wanted to talk about this, his trauma was forced out and put out to the public and former constellations. Was this okay? Was talking about his emotions okay? He had to be strong to reach the “■■”, but it was over, for a long time now, they had reached it, they are safe, with the main scenario finished… It was okay.

They were okay, he was okay, and they would be okay.

And so he started, Dokja started to talk about his past, he wasn’t asked to stop, not even to slow down. Joonghyuk wanted to listen to every detail Dokja wanted to talk about. It seemed like the memories were flowing back to him, sometimes, with tears in his eyes, sometimes with laughter.

And then he started to talk about his crush on Joonghyuk, it was weird, awkward, and even kinda complicated to explain. How do you talk about your crush to your crush who wasn’t real before? But even then Joonghyuk tried to understand, he listened to him so calmly and understanding.

And that’s when he stopped, he had talked so much he needed to drink water. After a break (a much needed at one) Dokja looks at Joonghyuk, they shared a look, it was so comfortable, timed stopped, but in a good way. When time stopped for either of them it would cause a panic, a panic meaning they could never finish the dammed scenarios, but this time, this time it’s different, it’s a longing time.

From a sudden urge, Joonghyuk hugs Dokja, again, (damn he’s been getting more comfortable with touch, didn’t he?) but this time Dokja can reciprocate the hug, and with that little of comfort, with each other embraces.

Then, they cry, more than ever before, and would allow themselves to. Even though Joonghyuk didn’t know too much about his past, he still haves 3 live times with death and despair to cry about.

And then Joonghyuk says

“I... I don’t know about love. I’ve never really thought about it. I might even be scared of it. But... But if it’s with you... I know that when I’m with you, I’m better than when I’m alone. I know that when we’re together, we are more than the sum of our parts.”

And Dokja is overwhelmed because. How is that not a confession? How is that not a proclamation of love? He’s overwhelmed, he’s floored, he’s humbled, he’s touched. They both have been so beaten, so broken, so desperate for the approval of each other without even knowing.

“Is this… Is this you saying you…?” Dokja barely could speak, he tries to get the words out of his mouth, but before he could Joonghyuk interrupted.

“Before I say it, I wanna hear you say it. I want to hear the words from you, not another person”

“I- I- I loved, I love you… Joonghyuk-ah~”

They sighed

“I think I love you too”

...

And with that, his memories came flashing back, non-stop, a lot of information came flashing through if it wasn’t for the fourth wall he could have crashed and be put in a coma. But as his last result, the fourth wall was always with him, accompanying him, and protecting him. But after all of that information, he needed a break, a break for his emotions, a break from his memories, a break from the world. He wanted to talk to Joonghyuk about them, but that would be future Dokja’s problem, for now, he was going to sleep.