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Chapter Text

Inej was far too aware of the moment when Kaz crashed into the waves. She'd watched him teeter on the edge, barely holding his own together during the fight, and she'd watched the bullet that tore through the crowd, almost prophetic in the way that it hit his jaw perfectly. She'd watched and yet been helpless to do anything to stop it from happening.

They'd been outnumbered from the beginning. What was supposed to be a small mission, a small ambush for a delivery at Fourth Harbour, had spiraled into something so much worse when the had-been Dime Lions showed up.

After Pekka Rollins had left, against his will of course, most of them had joined the Dregs and adapted easily. They'd only followed Pekka to survive, never for some vendetta against Dirtyhands or the Dregs. But for some of them, Kaz had hurt them and he had hurt them personally.

He'd killed family members and lovers without a drop of mercy. For those sins, they wanted revenge. Blood for blood. A loss for a loss. A life for a life.

They'd banded together again, a fiery, dangerous flame with only one goal: kill Dirtyhands.

Inej had warned Kaz. She'd told him not to treat the Dime Lions so casually. They could be deadly if left unchecked.

"Those driven by revenge don't stop until they're granted vengeance." Just like you, she hadn't added. "They won't stop until you're dead."

He'd grinned up at her from her desk. The grin of a shark. A monster who has crawled out of the canals of Ketterdam, dirty through and through. And yet, that was the look she was fond of, on occasions.

"Darling, I don't die. Shouldn't you know that by now?" He'd replied and turned back to his paperwork.

Sighing, she'd left the room. Arguing was pointless, Inej knew. Just before she'd left, she had paused and turned back to him, only uttering one phrase.

"Pride comes before the fall."

If only she had realised just how true that statement would end up being. If only- Maybe if she had stayed longer, tried to convince him even more, or maybe if she'd done more to stop him from rushing head-first into danger, then she could've changed the ending of the tale.

Inej had promised herself once. When she realised Kaz had wormed his way into her heart, and wasn't budging, she had promised that she wouldn't fault herself for his mistakes. She wouldn't carry him, but she would walk beside him, helping when she could.

But watching him fall into the sea, watching him get shot, it felt like she should've done more. To stop him?

It wasn't her fault. She had tried.

It felt like her fault, though.

There wasn't time to focus on Kaz, though.  The fight was still in full-swing, even if Dirtyhands was down. Somehow, Inej suspected that that was the Dime Lions' plan. Take down Brekker and leave the rest of them barely able to fight back, even more outnumbered than before

What the Dime Lions had failed to consider, however, was the fact that Crows didn't stop fighting. Never. You messed with one of them, you messed with all of them. Crows never stopped fighting. They fought for each other and themselves, out of loyalty and self-preservation and the anger that flooded their veins.

It was an impossible fight, but Inej was more than used to those odds. They had infiltrated the Ice Court. They had won over the entire city of Ketterdam. They could beat a few Dime Lions.

Finally, finally, the fight slowed down enough that Inej wasn't fearing for her life at every second. With the grace of The Wraith, she slipped through the shadows and dashed over the bodies, some dead and some unconscious, until she got to the edge of the berth.

She frantically glanced around the water with a heart going double-speed when she realised that the water was blood-stained. For a brief moment, she wondered if it was someone else's blood. She begged to her Saints that it wasn't his blood. Not Kaz. Please not Kaz.

But her rational mind knew that it had to be because there, floating in the crimson red waters was his cane. The crow's head was tilted upwards, the tip glinting in the fast-fading sunlight.

"Kaz!" Inej called out. "Kaz!" She tried again, and then and again, but it was hopeless. No response. Panic filled Inej up to the brim, crowding every sensible thought.

That was why she dove into the water.

The cold, freezing water was a shock to the system. At first, all she felt was an overwhelming numbness, and she wasn't quite sure why she'd entered the water. Then, it started to hurt. The water nipped at her skin like it had grown teeth, a creature entirely of its own accord. Inej was a captain, a master of the true sea, but stuck in the freezing cold canal she held no power. The water was murky, thick with blood.

Blood. That was why she had dove in. For Kaz.

Inej swallowed down the panic that reared up in her gut. She could panic later, but losing control of herself would only harm Kaz further. She had to keep it together. For Kaz.

Even though it stung her eyes, Inej opened them and glanced around through the water, though she couldn't see much further than right in front of her. The canals weren't too deep, but if Kaz had been in there for too long...

She couldn't dwell on thoughts like that. Not if she wanted to save Kaz.

Her limbs felt heavy as she dragged herself through the water, further onwards. Her legs were weighing her down, almost numb from the cold.

She couldn't stop. She had to keep going. For Kaz. For her Kaz. For him.

She blindly swiped a luggish arm out in front of her, and her fingertips brushed up against something. Wet fabric.

Her heart sped up as she wildly grabbed until she had a grip on the coat. On him. On Kaz. Inej felt like sobbing from relief at the weight of him in her arms. That perfect weight, that click of electricity that she always felt when she was near him. That sense of rightness. She belonged there, beside her, even if they were close to drowning in a canal.

It wasn't over yet, though. Even if Kaz was back in her arms, they were far from being safe. Stuck in a canal do freezing that it was almost burning. Kaz was undoubtedly unconscious, and Inej could barely support her own weight.

But it wasn't over yet.

Crows never stopped fighting. Even if they couldn't walk, they would crawl to each other and they would fight their way out. Together- knives drawn and pistols blazing. No matter what.

Even if her legs were numb and she felt like stopping-  surrendering to the endless cold that surrounded them - she would fight. For herself and Kaz. For the future of them, two people broken. Broken, but never beyond loving each other.

It was agonizingly slow as she swam back to land, Kaz wrapped in her arms. He was a dead weight, pulling her down. Inej knew that if she dropped him, let him drown once again, then she'd make it for sure. But not once did the idea of doing that cross her mind. She couldn't.

Finally, finally, they reached the shore. Inej tightened her grip on Kaz and pushed them up with one arm. Her body shook with exertion, but she didn't release her grip on him. It was irrational, but maybe if she let go then he'd be gone again. Back in that canal, drowning silently with nobody around to hear his cries. Nobody but her.

"Inej." A hand shook her shoulder and she turned away. "Inej, let go of Kaz. Please." It was Jesper.

"Why?" She whispered back. "Why? Please don't take him away." They couldn't. She couldn't-

"We need to get him to a healer. Please." Jesper was nearly begging, his voice thick with tears. "Inej, please. Please, he needs a healer. Or else."

Only then was she aware of the thick gush of blood staining her soaked clothes. Blood that was falling, and wasn't stopping. It was coming from Kaz. Of course, she'd watched him get shot.

Her arms released him without realising it. Blearily she watched as Jesper picked him up. He said something to a figure too far off, though the words had lost all meaning. Her heart ached for Kaz, though she couldn't quite place way. He'd gotten hurt. He'd drowned, again. Jesper said that he needed a healer.

Or else.

She couldn't loose him. Not like Matthias. If she lost Kaz, life wouldn't stop. But that was the worst part. When you lost someone, the world didn't stop. It continued onwards and you felt forever stuck in that moment, wondering what you could've done to change the outcome. The world kept on spinning. Even if you lost the most important person to you in the world, your sun and your hope and your daybreak against the horizon, life didn't stop.

If Inej lost Kaz...

She was fading, and fast, but the thoughts didn't stop. They came in fits and starts, the clipped beginnings of horrible nightmares that made her want to scream. She didn't have the energy to move, let alone cry for what she could lose.

Kaz.

She didn't want to lose him. She couldn't.

But the universe rarely paid attention to what you could or couldn't do. It pushed on you until you snapped, paying no mind to how broken you were already.

She couldn't lose him, but the universe didn't care about a pair of lovers who could barely hold hands on some days.

Inej just had to hope that her Saints cared enough to spare Kaz.

The last thought she had before unconsciousness consumed her was a silent prayer.

Please.

Don't take him from me.

Please.

I need him.

Chapter Text

When Inej woke up, she was in bed. It was far softer than the heavy stone of the docks. She'd been moved.

Her mind was foggy, and she couldn't remember what had happened before- what had led her to being here. There had been a fight. The Dime Lions, the bodies littering the harbour. Blood splattering the buildings. A massacre larger than the Dregs had anticipated or prepared for. The cold, cold water. Swimming through it, someone in her grasp. A gunshot and then a figure falling into the canal.

Kaz.

Inej shot up in an instant. Her memory had cleared and she could remember. She had dove into the water after Kaz, to save him. He'd needed a healer and desperately. That was as far as she could remember.

"Kaz!" She called out. "Kaz? Please, Kaz-" Her voice broke off as she choked up. No one answered.

The room was silent. Empty and hollow. She was alone.

If Kaz was dead... She bit back the ugly sob that forced its way up at the very thought. A world without him was unimaginable. Impossible to imagine. She didn't want to think about that. She couldn't.

Kaz Brekker was many things. A monster. A demjin. A cruel, cruel man. Her lover.

He was the fractured shards of a mirror, the broken pieces of something beautiful. All harsh edges and harsh words, constant glares and dangerous threats. A monster by creation. And yet, she loved him. She loved his broken pieces with her own.

Neither of them were whole. They were chipped and they were filled with gaping holes of obvious loss, but they could love with their bullet-riddled hearts. They could try, as well. One step at a time, they could learn and they could try. For each other, but for themselves as well. For a future. They could love and they could try and they could hope.

Two broken pieces, intertwined by fate or by choice, that could love. Her heart beat in sync with his.

If Kaz was gone...

Inej couldn't survive another loss. None of the crows could. Matthias was still a firm handprint on their hearts, and the grief came and went like the tide. Somedays he was a ghost that haunted them, and other days he was a fond memory.

She couldn't loose Kaz.

"Kaz," She tried again. "Kaz, please. Kaz-"

It was no use. The room stayed empty and silent, as hollow as the gaping hole in her chest. A hole where he used to be. Another loss.

Carefully, noting how her muscles ached, she sat up in bed. The room was nice and pretty, most of the furniture the gentle cream colour of most of the Van Eck house. It was soothing. Well, it should've been, but Inej doubted that anything could quell her frazzled anxiety. Nothing, except for the knowledge that Kaz was alright.

But that wasn't coming, so she turned to the horizon.

It was dark outside, the soft inside light the only thing illuminating her view. The moon, as watery and distilled as ever, shone over the entirety of Ketterdam. Such a horror city, and yet she kept returning.

Because it wasn't the city that Inej loved, but the people inside it. Her crows. Her Kaz. That was what her heart yearned for. Not Ketterdam itself.

And yet, covered in the faint silver light of the moon, the city was almost beautiful. If she squinted, she could find some beauty in how the moon rippled off of the canals that spread throughout the city. It was almost beautiful. Almost.

The door creaked open. The noise was loud enough that Inej flinched as her attention was dragged away from the view outside of the window.

Jesper stood there, leaning on the door frame. He looked exhausted, tired and heavy. Just like she felt. She wanted to sleep but she couldn't. Not until she knew if Kaz was alive and well.

"Inej..." Jesper began, but the rest of the words died. "Oh, Inej..."

Fear clenched her heart. It took a steady grip on her nerves. She knew, but she couldn't...

"What happened?" She whispered. The words ached in a visceral sense, tearing through her mouth like a bullet. A bullet to the jaw, a disaster almost designed by the Saints.

Jesper shook his head. "I think you know better than I do," but he still answered: "Some Dreg double-crossed us. Someone Kaz trusted with information about the ambush on the delivery. I don't care who- except for making them pay.

"And then, well, we got attacked. It was," He choked on his own words. "So many people are dead. Dregs and fucking Dime Lions, it was a massacre. So many bodies. And then- I don't know. Kaz got shot and fell in a canal or something and you rescued him-"

She cut him off, her fervor and her need to know of Kaz's fate growing too strong. "And then? Kaz..."

She couldn't bring herself to say it. If she sakd it, then it was a possibility. If she said those words, then it could be real. He could be gone. Forever.

That finality, the possibility that she may never see him again is what broke the dam. Never seeing him smile again, never noticing the way that he clenched his cane tighter when he was angered again, never seeing his scheming face again, never hearing the low rasp of his voice again, never glancing over and catching him staring at her again. Never having him in her arms again.

Tears brimmed in her eyes and she didn't bother to hold them back. They streamed from her eyes in a burst, everything finally being let go. If she was to loose Kaz, then she could loose control as well. If she was losing everything, then there wasn't any point in holding on.

"Inej," Jesper stepped closer and she could see how he tried to reach out a hand through bleary eyes. He clenched his hand into a fist and dropped it limply to his side, and then sighed. "It isn't like that. Not quite-"

She lifted her head, a small gasp escaping her lips unprompted.

Hope was a dangerous game to play. Too much and you were a target, so easy to hurt, but too little and you were a statue, unmoving and uncaring. She couldn't stop the hope that filled her body at Jesper's words. If if wasn't like that- not like what she'd assumed- then maybe it wasn't so absurd to hope that Kaz was...

That he was alive.

That he was whole and alive and somewhere. If she could just reach him, brush her fingers against him again and then hold him in her arms. If she could know that he was there. Once again, she prayed to her Saints with all the hope she had. She begged them to deliver Kaz back to her. Her Kaz. Her lover.

"He's alive-" Jesper began, and that was all that she needed to hear. In an instant, she was standing up, even if her head swam with dizziness, and rushing out of the room. She didn't know where he was but that was alright. He was alright.

She patterned down the stairs, ignoring Jesper shouting after her as he was hot on her heels.

"Inej, stop!" He cried out. "Just- please. Let me explain. Just stop for moment, please. Don't just go rushing in there, please-"

She didn't heed his warning. Instead, she rushed straight into the room, throwing any caution to the wind. She didn't give Jesper a chance to explain. To warn her.

Inej wasn't sure what she had been expecting. For Saint's sake, she'd watched Kaz get shot. She'd had him bleed all of over him. She'd watched and noticed all of that- and yet she had failed to consider that as she entered the room.

She hadn't anticipated any of what she saw there. Not the blood staining the soft silky sheets of the bed, some of it dried and some of it fresh. Not the three people fussing around Kaz with their heads bowed. Not the glimpse she got of his face; his face was almost black and blue with deep, unsettling bruises, and bandages were loosely clotted around the left side of his jaw and the knife-sharp top of his right cheekbone. Even with the bandages, the wounds underneath were still bleeding, sending sluggish trails of bright red down his cheek. Like tears. He was lying there, so still. Like a corpse. Like he was dead.

She should've anticipated all of that, but she didn't. She didn't, and for once Captain Inej Ghafa, Master of the True Sea, was taken aback.

Jesper rushed into the room just a second after she did. He sighed and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. A silent consolidation, a hand against the waves that threatened to destroy her.

"You said he was alive." She croaked out.

"He is." Jesper replied almost too quickly. Maybe he was trying to convince himself as well as her. "He is alive. But, Inej- you saw it happen. You saw him get shot."

She did, and yet she hadn't anticipated it.

Inej wanted to move closer. She wanted to check that he was alive. She wanted to feel his pulse under her fingertips, gentle like a stone skimming the surface of a canal. But she was stuck in place with feet grounded. Like a tree. Stuck. Besides, she doubted that Kaz would appreciate people touching him when he was unconscious. She wouldn't betray his trust. Couldn't, even.

She'd saved him, but it didn't feel like that. He was alive, but he didn't look the part. If the Saints were listening to her prayers, then they had a funny way of showing it.

Inej hoped for many things. She'd hoped that Kaz was alive, and he was. So she hoped that, somehow, he'd be alright. That they'd be alright. Even if it was the two of them against the world, that was alright.

She just wanted him back in her arms.

Chapter Text

Inej was frozen in place, a statue amongst the living. She was vaguely aware of the strangers moving around Kaz, and Jesper comforting a soot covered Wylan- which meant that the plan had worked. The explosion had gone off. They'd won, but at what price? - but she wasn't one of them.

All she could focus on was Kaz. There lying on the bed, he looked dead. A corpse.

Back when he had told her about his past and the fate of his brother, Inej had held him close and together they had mourned for the two Rietveld boys that had died in the canal. She had mourned for Kaz Rietveld, but afterwards, together they had only lit one candle. Only one for Jordie, because Kaz was alive beside her. Well and alive, like a fire burning steadily.

He was alive, she kept trying to convince herself. He was alive. She hadn't lost him.

"Excuse me," A voice said, jolting her out of her thoughts. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. I'm Isak, a medik. Listen, do you know how long he was in the canal for?"

"I-" Inej began, then bit down on her lip. "No, sorry. I don't know. It's all just- I mean, it was a blur. I don't know what happened."

Isak nodded. His expression was calm but there was something grave reflected in his eyes. Dark grey like a storm cloud.

"Is he going to be alright?" Inej blurted out. Even in her fear, she was careful not to say Kaz's name outloud. It seemed as though Isak didn't know, and they couldn't be sure if he would change his mind on saving Kaz once he knew his identity. It had happened before, but never for something as serious as this.

Isak sighed. "I have to be frank with you; currently the only thing keeping his heart beating is my Heartrender there. Without Marieke..." Catching the look of pure panic on her face, he quickly added: "But only because he's lost so much blood. He'll survive as long as we stop the bleeding soon and let his body rest to replenish what he's lost."

He'd survive, then. The other option was impossible- too painful to imagine. Maybe it would be worse like that. For Kaz to survive for a moment, but to fall from her grasp again; that was almost unimaginable. Almost, because her mind could conjure the idea up perfectly.

Inej trained her eyes on the Heartrender, scanning their face for any signs of panic. They looked tired, but illuminated. Alive, so alive. Inej remembered how Nina had described using her powers.

The Heartrender smiled at Inej. Marieke, that was their name.

"You care about him, don't you?" They said. It wasn't a question. Of course Inej cared. She cared with her entire heart, her entire being. But she couldn't say that, so she just nodded instead. The Heartrender's smile turned sad. "I understand. He'll survive, I promise. If I have any choice, he'll make it."

"But will he be okay?" Inej asked. "I- will he be okay?"

She didn't want him to just survive. She wanted him to live. She wanted him to be alright. She wanted to not just see his chest rise and fall with every breath, but to see him smile as well. To see his eyes sparkle with glee, his face golden by the sunlight with a halo wrapped about the crown of his head. A demon princed by the sunlight.

Marieke frowned. "I don't deal in false promises. I can't say that he will be okay. The injuries are bad. He's looking at a long recovery time, at best. And at worst... An injury that's going to follow him for the rest of his life."

From what Inej knew, Kaz had broken his leg when he was fourteen, just a young kid in the Dregs. He hadn't let it rest properly and the bones, as miskewed as they were, had healed in the incorrect position. Kaz never outwardly spoke of it, but she knew that his leg was constantly causing him pain. It never gave him a break. Plus, he had his fair share of nasty scars. Life in Ketterdam- especially the Barrel- guaranteed injuries. Inej had watched Kaz get injured before. Plenty of times, actually.

But still, it took everything she had to not break down into sobs at Marieke's words.

She clamped a hand over her mouth and nodded, not trusting herself to speak. It was too much. There was no telling if Kaz would survive, let alone if he would be alright. Only time could tell.

She felt like collapsing into sobs. She felt like sleeping and never waking up. All she could feel was the cavern in her chest growing larger, the chasm growing wider with her heartbreak.

That was the problem with loving people. It always ended in hurt. It always ended in heartbreak and agony. If you got too attached to someone, letting go was as worse as dying.

Love made you weak and vulnerable.

But no, that was what Kaz, and mostly likely her as well, would've said before, but it was false.

Loving someone took courage. Accepting that eventual pain, knowing that it would come, took a great deal of bravery.

Inej could be strong. For Kaz.

For him, she could try. For him, she could love with all of her courage and bravery. She could face the storm.

"Fabrikator, are you ready?" Isak asked. His voice was a far cry from earlier, harsh like stone and ice, no emotion in it whatsoever. "We don't have much time left."

"Jesper, what do you need to do?" She asked. She was missing something. Something that they hadn't explained.

Jesper hesitated. The movement was only miniscule, but Inej had made a living off of noticing the details of someone as the Wraith. She noticed everything. The sadness in Jesper's eyes, the way he glanced at Kaz and then down at his hands, the way he tightened his jaw. He wasn't going to tell her anything.

"Jesper-" She ground out, "What are you going to do? Tell me! I deserve to know what you're going to do to Kaz, please." Jesper turned his head away and stepped closer to the Medik, concealing Kaz from her view. "Jesper, tell me! Don't keep this from me."

Someone sighed from behind her and rested his hand on her shoulder. It was Wylan, she realised when she turned around. There was a small smile on his face that didn't reach his eyes.

"Inej, let's step out for a moment, hmm?" He suggested gently.

She scoffed, almost delirious. Panic was pumping her heart double-speed, adrenaline filling her veins. Once again, there was fight left in Inej Ghafa even when she thought she was empty.

"I'm not leaving Kaz. I'm not- I can't- Wy, don't make me-" Her voice cracked and she furiously rubbed at her eyes. "Don't make me leave him."

"I'm not making you leave him, I promise. Inej, no one is taking you away from Kaz. We promise. I just want you to get some fresh air while I explain what they're doing, alright. As soon as you understand, and are calm, we'll return. Alright?" Wylan explained.

She didn't want to leave Kaz. As much as it hurt to watch him like that, unconscious and injured, it hurt more to know that he was suffering alone. Besides, the Medik could accidentally touch him and Inej wouldn't be able to prevent it if she wasn't there. Jesper would be there, and he understood even if Kaz hadn't explained his fear of touch in full, but Jesper didn't have the eye for finesse that she did, and he certainly didn't have her reflexes.

It was only the promise that they'd return as soon as possible that made her nod and agree. Inej allowed Wylan to gently steer her out of the room and into the corridor, right next to a window.

He opened it and stared out into the pitch-black night. His eyes watered as he blinked heavily.

"Oh Inej... I don't know where to begin." He murmured.

She stood a distance away from him and wrapped her arms around herself. "I need to know what they're going to do to Kaz. What does the Medik- Isak- need Jesper for?" She questioned.

Wylan exhaled. "Alright. Well, I'm no medical expert. Not by any means, so take what I say with a grain of salt. So, you saw Kaz get shot, right? Right in the jaw, yes? On impact, the bullet broke his jaw. Badly. And broke his cheekbone on its exit, as well. And it's just- I didn't understand much of what they were saying but what I did gather is that all of the breaks are bad.  It's all bad.

"The inside of his mouth, as well. His gum there, too. It's a mess. An absolute mess. Isak warned me at the beginning that this type of injury is hard to treat. Even harder to fix fully. He suspects that fixing what's broken, fixing it entirely that is, will be impossible. He can put the bones back in place and let them heal, but that doesn't reverse what happened. It doesn't take back the damage."

Inej was going to be sick. Her head was swimming, packed to the brim with thoughts that refused to quiet down.

"Inej? Inej, are you alright?" Wylan asked. He reached out an arm and she pushed him away.

She was far from alright, but none of that mattered. Nothing mattered. Nothing except Kaz.

"What does that mean for Kaz? What do they need Jesper for? What are they doing?" She demanded.

"They're going to use metal to keep the bone in place while it heals. That's what they need Jesper for." Wylan explained. "And- Isak doesn't know what Kaz will look like after he fixes the fractures and the rest of the injury. Right now his face is swollen and bruised, but after... Kaz might have changed. His face might have changed." Wylan bit down on his lip. "We don't know."

She regretted asking. It had been better to be unknowing, blind to what was going on. It had been so much better. Ignorance was bliss, they always said.

Love took courage and bravery, but Inej wasn't brave. She was just a human, just a mortal who had fallen in love in such a horrid city. She'd fallen in love and she hadn't been able to stop herself. She loved Kaz.

Her knees crumpled and she slipped down the wall, overcome with sobs. The tears kept streaming down her cheeks, uncontrollable as her chest heaved with each broken cry. She cried and cried, even as Wylan sat down beside her and tried desperately to console her.

She sobbed because the world was cruel. She sobbed because her Saints hadn't listened. The boy she loved with all her heart was injured and in danger. She sobbed for him.

For Kaz.

Chapter Text

When, finally, the tears stopped flowing and Inej felt slightly strong enough, she turned to Wylan. His face was a mirror to her own, filled with such understanding pain and empathy. But how could he understand what it was like to be in that impossible situation, the love of your life in pain?

Once, a couple of years ago, there had been a job that Inej had enlisted Jesper to help her with. A couple of slavers had stopped on an island just off the coast of Kerch. Slavers that had information she needed.

Jesper had told her how it felt like he was going to explode. How every breath was one step closer to him losing it entirely. It had seemed like the best option at the time, steering Jesper away from gambling. Besides, the job wasn't supposed to be dangerous. She just wanted him there in case something horrible happened.

And just like Fate had decided to play a cruel trick on them, something horrible had happened. The slavers had set a trap. They wanted her to pay. Jesper had just been collateral damage.

The memories were a blur, but Inej could remember the look on Wylan's face as she dragged a badly-injured Jesper into the Van Eck house. Betrayal. Hurt.

She hasn't told him because Jesper had asked her to keep quiet about how bad it was getting for him. So she'd kept the job a secret. Looking back, Inej knew that she should've just been upfront with Wylan. She should've just told him. But she hadn't, and Jesper had paid the price.

So of course Wylan understood. It wasn't exactly the same, but he had been where she was now, curled up on the ground with the weight of the world and the fate of her loved one weighing down on her shoulders.

"It's horrible, isn't it?" He murmured, not meeting her eyes. "The not knowing is the worst. If you know that he won't make it, maybe you can prepare. Say goodbye and make sure that he knows that you love him with your whole heart. But when you don't know, only Ghezen or your Saints know when your last moment will be. You can never say goodbye. Not properly."

Kaz had been in danger many times. It came with the title of a Barrel Boss. Trouble just followed him like a dog begging for a bone, but it had never been like this before. This was worse, definitely. So much worse.

"It's horrible." She agreed. "Do you think that he'll be alright?"

Wylan smiled gently "Alright? Of course. It's Kaz Brekker," It didn't escape her notice how he whispered Kaz's name, "He can bounce back from everything."

It wasn't all that convincing, but Inej nodded anyways. Wylan was trying his best, just like they all were.

He squeezed her shoulder. "Are you ready to go back in? If not, we can wait out here longer."

She wasn't ready. Not in the slightest. But Kaz needed her. Inej needed to be strong for him. If he was going to be in pain and suffering, then the least she could provide was a friendly face. A hand to grasp if it got too much. A shield to keep the memories away. She could be strong. For him.

Her legs were shaky as she stood up slowly but her heart beat with a pounding intention. Her heart was an arrow and she had a her aim. Kaz, her love.

Isak smiled tightly as she reentered the room and perched on the corner of the bed, close enough to reach out and touch Kaz's socked foot. She did as such and his gentle warmth reminded her of the fact that he was still alive; she hadn't lost him. Even though her heart yearned to, she didn't dare touch him any where else and certainly not on his bare skin. He trusted her.

"Did Wylan inform you about what we're going to do?" When she nodded, Isak moved closer to Kaz and reached out a hand to gently touch the bandages. A gloved hand. "Jesper told me about Jordie's touch aversion. Luckily, I tend to keep a pair of gloves on me just in case."

Isak continued to speak, but Inej couldn't hear a word he was saying over the rush in her ears. Jordie.

She glanced over at Jesper who met her steely gaze with guilty eyes. He mouthed something but she didn't catch up. It didn't matter, anyway. A pseudonym was nothing special.

But the name in question was. Jordie, the name of Kaz's late brother. Jesper didn't know everything- no one expect Inej and ghosts long since buried did- but he knew enough to understand the gravity of that name. It was a reminder of the ghosts that followed him.

Jordie Rietveld, a boy who had never gotten a funeral. A boy who had died unfairly. Who never should've died in the first place.

But you couldn't change the past. You just had to keep moving forwards because the world never stopped for you.

Carefully, Isak peeled back the bandages at Kaz's jaw. The wound was awful; the skin around it was enflamed and rugged, flushed red, and while blood had crusted over most of it, it was deep enough that Inej swore that she saw a gleam of shattered white.

She'd never considered herself squeamish. Working in a circus guaranteed injuries, such as her uncle loosing his left thumb when she was eight. Ketterdam was the same. You didn't survive in the Barrel if you couldn't handle some blood. She had killed before. It was no issue.

But it was different when it was someone that you cared about. It was so much more horrible.

She couldn't watch, but she didn't dare to pull her attention away for even one moment. Her heart feared that if even for more than a split-second, she relaxed, then Kaz would be gone. Out of her grasp and gone forever where she could never reach him. Inej kept her grasp on her foot. It was a tether, a spot of energy that tingled through her veins. If she let go...

The time passed impossibly slow. Every second dragged on and Inej couldn't help but be glad that he was unconscious. She could only imagine the amount of pain he would have been feeling if she was awake. Metal being inserted into his face had to be horrendous.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Isak stitched up the two incisions and bandaged then back up properly. He turned to Inej, his face a perfect mask of formality.

"He'll make it. Marieke says that his heart is steadier now that we've got him warmed up and he's breathing by himself. Plus, he's not bleeding anymore." A shuddery breath escaped Inej's lips as relief spilled through her veins. He'd live.

"Thank you. Thank you so much," She whispered, almost choking on the sincerity of the words.

Isak shook his head lightly. "My job isn't over yet, but you're more than welcome. There's still some damage that I need to fix, but the easiest way to fix that is through his mouth, which I need Jordie awake for, just so he can let me now if anything has popped out of place while I'm working. That can wait, however. For now, he just needs to rest."

It wasn't over yet, Inej knew. Even after Isak had finished, it wouldn't be over. Healing would take a long time, and she had a deflating feeling that the effects of an injury like this would always be there. Whether scars upon his skin, pain that dogged his every movement, or a slight change that was too obvious to those that knew him- it wasn't over. Not by a long way.

But he was safe. He was alive, and that was truly all she could've asked for.

Kaz was going to be okay.

Isak and Marieke left the room, following Wylan as he offered them a small meal. Something to get their energy. They had plenty of good in the house, it was no bother, he reassured them. It was just Inej and Jesper left. And Kaz.

"Why did you choose that name?" She asked. She didn't look at Jesper, opting to stare down at Kaz and his heavily bandaged face. When she couldn't stomach that sight any longer, she watched every rise and fall of his breath instead.

Jesper swallowed a lump in his throat. "I don't know. It was what came to mind first. I was thinking about losing him, and everyone that we've lost before. My ma, Matthias- and Jordie. Kaz lost Jordie. Besides, I couldn't have Isak knowing his true identity. He needed a medik and desperately.

"You were unconscious, but, Ghezen, he was bleeding so much. He was so pale and just covered in his own blood. He was choking on it, barely breathing. It was- there was so much blood-" Jesper looked like he was going to be sick. "He needed a medik. I did what I needed to." His eyes were ablaze. Jesper had always worn his heart on his sleeve and his eyes were burning constantly and endlessly with everything that he felt only stoking the fire.

"I don't blame you-" Inej replied. "Nobody does. It was an unfair fight and they ambushed us. We fought our best."

"It isn't your fault, either." Jesper offered.

If it wasn't their faults, then who could she pin the blame to? Were her Saints to blame? Was Fate to blame, or Luck? Who had allowed for something to tragic to happen?

It was no one's fault- no one expect for those Dime Lions. They'd pay. She'd make sure of that. They would pay for every laying a finger on Kaz. Inej would make sure that who ever fired that bullet would never see the light of day again.

It was all she could do. She could burn with fiery hatred for those who had wronged Kaz, and she could sit by his side and wait for him.

She'd wait for an eternity to see his dark coffee eyes again. To see him smile again, she would wait until the stars burned out. To hold him in her arms again, she could last eternity. She would let forever pass if his safety was guaranteed.

She just wanted him in her arms again.

Safe, and sound.

Back home. With her and the crows.

Chapter Text

It was the pain that woke Kaz up.

He was used to pain. When he'd tumbled down the stairs if their farmyard home and scraped his knee, it had felt like the world was ending until his Da came and kissed it better. When Jordie had died, at first it had been this constant pressure on his chest, crushing him down and down and down, and then blind lightning that wrung its way through his body every time he so much as skimmed his knuckles against someone. That pain had lasted until he'd gotten a pair of gloves and started to build a reputation for breaking people's hands if they touched him.

Injuries were guaranteed in the Barrel and especially in one of the gangs. Kaz had his fair share of scars. He'd broken his leg when he was fourteen and it hasn't healed right. More pain had followed, and he'd adjusted because he had to. No one ever got vengeance by wallowing in their own misery. He'd gotten up off the floor and picked the broken pieces of himself up because not doing so was a death sentence.

But this pain was different. Maybe even worse than the pain from breaking his leg.

It was overwhelming, radiating and purposeful as it burned through his body, ravaging anything in sight. A fire unlike any other. Instantly, Kaz craved whatever sleep he had been in before. Being awake was so much worse. He tried to open his eyes but another wave of pain crashed over him at the simple movement.

He was drowning all over again. How many times was that now? Once with Jordie, once at the Ice Court, and once every single time his skin touched someone else's. He hated that rising feeling. The calm before the storm. The realisation that there he went again- back under the water where no one could reach him.

He was drowning.

He was burning.

It was nothing and everything all at the same time. He was a hollow vessel, nothing but a heart of stone and scars etched into him from time, but then he was overflowing with the blood that dripped from. His hands that had killed and yet brought a smile to her face.

He was Dirtyhands. Kaz- but Brekker or Rietveld? Kaz Brekker, an unloving and unmoving statue. Kaz Rietveld, a burning boy who had been left to die.

Who was he?

"Are you awake?" Someone asked. It wasn't a familiar voice. "Jordie, are you awake?"

Jordie.

That was his brother. Kaz wasn't- He wasn't Jordie. Jordie was long since dead, burned and drowned and gone. If he was dead, why was someone calling his name?

The last thing Kaz remembered was a fight with some other gang, a blinding pain, and then darkness that consumed him. At the time, he'd assumed that he was dead. But he wasn't dead.

He wasn't, right? Dead people didn't feel pain and they didn't hear voices. So he was alive then.

His crows had been at the fight. Where were they? Was he entirely alone again? Had they left him?

Kaz managed to crack one eye open blearily. The room around him was light- with gentle sunlight pooling in the air- and a blurry figure stood over him. They figure had a nice smile, gentle and kind. Eyes like steel.

"I understand that you must have a lot of questions currently. I know. But I want you to know that you are very lucky to be alive.  For a bit there, I wasn't sure." The figure sighed. "I'm Isak. A medik. I'd recommend that you don't try talking for a while. I can explain later, of course, but for now just relax."

It was simple enough information, just enough so that he knew where he was, but Kaz's mind refused to comprehend anything over the acute roaring of the pain that swallowed him up whole. It blocked every sense, making everything fuzzy.

"I'm going to ask you some questions, alright? What I need you to do is squeeze my hand once for yes and twice for no." Isak explained.

Distantly, Kaz realised that a hand was moving closer to him. He recoiled as panic raced through his body. The agony followed shortly after. It was so unlike anything before. It was consuming him. He was drowning. And then came the shame. Shallow, ugly shame. 

He'd been getting better. It had started with controlled touches. When Inej returned, they'd practice getting closer to each other. Then he tried with Jesper and Wylan, who had been supportive and more than happy to help him. Kaz had tried going a day or so without his gloves. Even when not touching people, he didn't wear them as often. There had been back-steps and so many moments when he drowned again, but he'd been getting better, genuinely and truly better.

"Jordie-" There was that name again. The name of a ghost, a drowning boy, someone who was supposed to be at rest. "I'm wearing gloves. It's alright."

It was far from alright, but he allowed for Isak's hand to gently lift his bare one up. So someone had told the medik about his touch aversion. Someone who knew him. Someone- hopefully one if his crows- who was nearby.

"Alright. So, do you remember what happened to you?" He squeezed twice. "You got shot, and injured badly. I won't go into details currently, but I promise that I will explain in full later. Now, how bad is your pain on a scale from one to ten- one being just a twinge and ten being you're nearly unconscious because of the pain. One squeeze for each number."

Slowly, his brain processed what Isak was asking of him. Kaz squeezed nine times as he realised there was no point in lying. The medik didn't know who he was and couldn't destroy his reputation. Wouldn't that have been something? A mere medik ruining Dirtyhands by telling the whole barrel how one good bullet reduced their King of the Barrel into a right mess.

He was a mess. Even focusing on the pain for just a moment made his vision waver and his heart speed up.

It was a selfish thought, but Kaz found that he wanted nothing more than for Inej to found him. He wanted her to reassure that it was going to be alright. That he was going to be alright. Vaguely, he could remember her touch steeling him as he battled against impossible pain. He could remember her arms around him. He could remember her saving him.

But that was just all a dream, right?

Back in the beginning, when he was nine and Jordie was only recently gone, he'd imagined things. Whispers of his dead brother's name coming from empty alleyways, hands pushing him down into the water in the middle of the night, the heat of a fevered body next to him when he was trying to focus. That was all they had been, though. Imaginings, rued from his mind trying to cope with what had happened. It wasn't real.

Isak squeezed his hand once and then let go. "Alright. I'll get you something for the pain. I'll be as quick as possible. I promise. One final thing, may I let your friends in?"

So they were there, which meant that maybe he hadn't been imagining Inej being there. Maybe, but he tried not to get his hopes up.

He failed, and his mind filled up with pictures of her painted in sunshine, covered in liquid gold. Her laugh alone reduced him to nothing but a bleeding heart. 

Thankfully he remembered not to nod in time, and instead curled his hand into a fist. Isak noticed and nodded before the door closed behind them. There was a lull, a moment where Kaz felt entirely alone again, before the door creaked open again.

"Kaz?" She murmured.

Relief flooded his voice at just the sound of her voice. If the Saints were ever real, then they had blessed him once by granting him a chance to love Inej. She appeared in his small line of vision, and even as blurry as she was Kaz could tell how her eyes were red and puffy. The remnants of panic and such a deep, heavy grief had settled into the lines on her face, even if she was smiling gently.

She sat down on the edge of the bed with a sigh. He twitched his hand towards her in some desperate attempt. Somehow, like always, she noticed and pulled her sleeve over her hand before grasping his.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, then cleared her throat. "Sorry, you can't answer, right. Isak told me that you won't be talking for a while. Or doing much. It's total bed rest for a while." She laughed wetly and rubbed her eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

He wanted to shake his head and reassure that it wasn't her fault, she didn't need to apologise, but the searing pain still kept a heavy grip on his body. He couldn't do anything. Useless.

Not being able to fight back in the Barrel was a death sentence. He hadn't told anyone, perhaps out of shame, but he'd left for a job out in the Kerch countryside a while back. It was a merch who was funding a brothel just outside Ketterdam. Kaz had gone there to teach the bastard a lesson. Nothing more.

But he had gotten jumped on the way back. Some group of people who weren't massive fans of Dirtyhands had heard word of where he was and decided to enact their own revenge.

He'd gotten away, but barely. He was too slow, and as he was running back into the city, so ironic that it was the place he found safety, his leg was burned and burned until he could hardly walk. Kaz had grown complacent. He'd grown used to not working as hard, and that was what got you killed. The Barrel didn't care if you were comfortable; it cared if you could fight back.

Inej squeezed his hand gently. "Kaz, I-" She turned away and swallowed harshly. He could only imagine what she saw when she looked at him. "Kaz, listen... I don't know what's going to happen next. I'm sorry. It takes time and- I don't know. We have time. I suppose what I'm trying to say is-" She sighed again, "-I'm here. I'm not leaving anytime soon."

She nodded towards the doorway, then clenched her door. There was a moment, and then Kaz could feel his heart slow, each beat more and more halting each time.

A heartrender.

He was mad, at first, but then the pain lessened. The weight on his chest, crushing down onto him, lifted and he could breathe. Consciousness slipped away from him like sand through his fingers or a river dripping. Drip, drip, drip. He was losing himself, finally.

The last thing he saw was Inej, her head decidedly tilted away from him.

Chapter Text

It was only after Kaz fell back asleep that Inej allowed herself to fall apart. She'd been trying so hard for him, trying to keep her composure and keep him from seeing just how much she had been crying.

As soon as his eyes closed again, his brow unfurrowed, the tears fell freely once more.

"Inej?" Jesper asked from where he was leaning against the doorway. "Are you alright?"

She chuckled and nodded. "Of course, yeah. Sorry, I don't know why I'm crying so much. It's ridiculous."

He crossed the room, shrugging. "Not really. It makes sense. You care so much about him. We all do. Seeing him in so much pain- well, first off it's weird- but it's heartbreaking." He sighed and glanced at Kaz. "Maybe it's because we rarely see him like this. So injured and so... I don't know. But it's something serious if we can see just how much he's hurting."

She sighed. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Usually he chooses to take off his armour. This time it was stolen from him."

A divet formed in Jesper's brow. "Armour..."

Inej smiled and squeezed Kaz's hand. He stayed unconscious, and decidedly so. It was for the best, but she couldn't stop her heart from wanting to see him awake. She wanted to see his eyes again.

"Armour... That's what I called it first. The walls he puts up around himself sometimes, to protect himself or to push us away." She didn't want to say more than that. Some things were personal, just between her and Kaz. Besides, she wouldn't tell Jesper his personal secrets. Not when he couldn't object.

"Inej..." Jesper began softly, like Isak had when he'd delivered bad news and harsh blows. "You can tell me if you're hurting, as well."

"I'm not. I'm fine." She replied quickly.

Lies. So many lies. Inej was far from fine. The world was crumbling around her and she couldn't hold it together much longer. Kaz, the one who was supposed to be alright, was in pain and hurt and Inej wasn't sure how she was supposed to do it any longer.

"Maybe-" Jesper rubbed the bridge of his nose. "-You have armour was well. Maybe, you're hiding how much this hurts you. Maybe, you think that hiding your pain will protect us. Well, I'll tell you what, that doesn't help him. He doesn't need a shield protecting him. He needs you, by his side. By his side and well-rested. Inej, please get some sleep."

She floundered for some response, anything to say that would take back the truth of Jesper's words.

"I said that I wouldn't leave him." She replied, squeezing Kaz's hand again. They didn't deal in false promises. They spoke in truths. If Inej said that she wasn't going to leave him, then she meant it; she was not going anywhere.

Jesper pursed his lips. "You're not leaving him. I'm sure that he wants you to take care of yourself as well. That means getting something to eat, and sleeping. Please. For us, and for him?"

Inej hesitated for what felt like forever, and then she released Kaz's hand. It felt like giving up, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself that it wasn't. She wasn't leaving him. She was helping herself. That was important, as well.

Her heart didn't listen, though.

It hurt to exit the room and not look back. She spent the entirety of eating just worrying about him. What if he woke up and she wasn't there? He would panic, and then he'd be upset because she'd broken her promise. She promised to never leave him. She said that she wouldn't leave him. But she had.

At first Inej couldn't sleep because her thoughts kept racing- kept spinning in circles, always arriving back at it the same point every time, she left Kaz- but the exhaustion quickly caught up to her. Her eyes fluttered closed and a dreamless, dark sleep swallowed her up slowly.

She woke to a warm sunshine spilling in through the open window. It painted the room in golden light, covering it in beauty. Inej smiled to herself as she took it in. The world could be beautiful.

But it could be so, so, so cruel as well, her mind reminded her.

Beautiful and cruel, so much like the boy she loved. He could adore and he could hate. He could touch her so wonderfully and kill. She loved him, and he loved her, and they fought for each other. No matter what.

She sat up quickly and smoothed down her rumpled outfit. She needed- wanted- to get back to Kaz. As soon as possible.

Inej raced through the halls of the Van Eck house on the tips of her feet, as silent as a spider. Some habits died hard, and being near-invisible came in handy in many situations. However, she slowed down once she reached the room Kaz was in and paused right before she entered. Was she ready?

The image of his bruised and bloodied filled her mind. Seeing him hurt and defeated was the worst. Could she really handle that?

She hadn't made up her mind before she stepped into the room. Inej doubted that she ever would decide. If she even could. If that was even a decision that could be made.

Kaz was awake, and Jesper was sat next to him, gloved hands pulling his mouth open. Isak was working with a fiery sort of concentration, the rest of the world just a blur to him. Marieke sat in the corner, cloaked in shadows, with their jaw clenched as they watched Kaz.

Inej was just about to look away, anywhere but the sight in front of her, but dark eyes met hers insistently. She couldn't ignore Kaz.

His eyes were full of pain, brimming with unshed tears that only fell when Isak pulled his mouth open further, mumbling an apology under his breath. Kaz's body shook with sobs and Inej felt her own heart falter as the foundations keeping her standing threatened to crumble. Quickly, she made her way to the bed, careful not to disrupt Isak.

"Does it hurt?" She asked. Only after did she realise what a stupid question it was. Of course it hurt. Saints, her mind was escaping her.

Isak sighed. "I did give him something for the pain before we began, but I've long since learned that nothing ever reduces it totally. It never works enough to be alright. The best I can do is get this over quickly. As soon as I'm done with this, that's it. After this, no more, alright?" He promised.

It was supposed to be reassuring, Inej knew. Isak was trying to be nice and stop her from panicking and losing her mind, but his words just terrified her even more.

After he was done, that would be it done. He'd be done, and then there would be nothing more he could do. The rest would be left up to fate. Only time would tell if Kaz would be okay. It was up to her Saints to decide if he would be alright. She just hoped that they were merciful.

It had been a long time since Inej had prayed properly. Once the slavers had taken her, prayers had been a spur of the moment thing. She prayed when she could. When she needed to. When she was in danger. Inej believed that the Saints understood. They listened to her prayers regardless of if she had the proper prayer mats and space to do it properly.

But she wanted to. She wanted to pray properly. Anything to get the Saints to listen. Anything for them to understand. Anything for them to make Kaz be alright.

She just had to pray; she was helpless to do anything else.

"There we go-" Jesper murmured, "Nice and easy there," Gently, he closed Kaz's mouth. "All good." The look in Kaz's eyes showed that it was far from all good, but no one said anything. They rested in the silence.

In the silence, they could pretend that everything else. Inej could pretend that Kaz was alright. That she was alright. In the silence, she could pretend that she was some where else.

She'd always wanted to show her old home to Kaz. She'd wanted to watch him explore the colourful suli caravans with his eyes, and she'd wanted to explore what had changed and what was the same with him by her side. And she had suggested it, one dark afternoon when it felt like the world as their fingertips, like he could brave the waters and she could face the memories. And Kaz had agreed. They had planned, together, to return after the skirmish with the new Dime Lions was sorted out.

They had been planning to, together, but it seemed like the Saints had other plans for them. Some divine intervention, though Inej knew that there was nothing divine or saint-like about the scene in front of her, Kaz watching her with pain-marred eyes and bandages holding his face together.

Her heart never stopped wanting. Constantly, her heart pounded with a need or a yearn and she was pulled in a direction yet again. It was what pulled her back to Ketterdam. It was what made her return each time. For Kaz.

She wanted to sit beside him. She wanted to wait until the pain passed and he smiled again. She wanted to stay with him even if that never happened. She wanted to hold his hand.

She didn't.

Inej stared out of the window, finally knowing that, as a definitive truth, she was weak. No matter how much her heart wanted, she couldn't bring herself to.

Because it hurt too much.

Maybe, Jesper was right.

Maybe she was protecting herself.

So she built her armour up higher and higher. She turned herself away from Kaz, even as she noticed how his hand twitched closer to her. He was reaching forwards and she was pulling away.

She truly was weak.

Chapter Text

Inej knew that eventually, she'd have to admit that things were far from normal. If things were normal, then she would have been on her ship again, comandeering the true sea with her crew by her side. If things were normal, then she wouldn't be avoiding the room on the second floor like the plague.

She floated around the Van Eck house, pretending that she had some sort of a purpose. She did that until Wylan cornered her on the stairs.

His eyes were unusually steely, and his voice was serious. "Inej, you're ignoring Kaz. Hell, you're ignoring all of us."

She sighed. "I'm not ignoring anyone."

"It's been a week and you haven't visited Kaz once, even. Before, we couldn't drag you away from him. Ghezen, what changed?" He asked.

Her heart was a tide, in and out. One day, she was strong enough. The next, she couldn't face him. She was a coward. She was volatile. She kept changing, and wasn't she supposed to change? People grew. They changed. For better or for worse.

"Nothing happened." She replied. "I just- He probably wants some space. To heal. He needs to rest."

Wylan chuckled and shook his head. "We both know that's a lie. He doesn't want some space. He doesn't want to be away from you. And you don't want to be away from him."

His blue eyes met hers, the waves against the dock as her love disappeared from view, and she flinched at what she saw there.

Hesitance, almost questioning in nature. He wasn't sure. He didn't know.

Of course she didn't want to be away from Kaz. Of course she didn't want space. She wanted to hold his hand and brave the storm by his side, but she wasn't strong enough. If she faced him, she'd break, and she couldn't do that. She couldn't, so she pulled away. To protect herself. To protect Kaz.

Inej bit her lip and swallowed the lump in her throat. The swell of pain in her heart grew larger and louder, heavier. She turned her head away.

Wylan scoffed silently. "Don't turn away. Please don't turn away. Inej, don't you dare do this. Maybe you think this is some righteous decision, but you're hurting him. You're hurting yourself. Don't do this." His tone turned begging. He was desperate, grasping at straws. "Please, just talk to him. Let yourself hurt."

She nodded, only half-aware of her own actions, and nearly tripped on her way up the stairs. She paused on the second floor, then glanced at that room. The door was slightly ajar, just a sliver of gentle light pooling out. Her heart led her as she approached the room and opened the door.

"Kaz?" Her mouth formed the name, so familiar and loving on her tongue, but no sound came out.

He was sitting up in bed, propped up by several pillows. There was a pen in his hand and a notebook on his lap. He looked better, she realised. His face was still bandaged, but the bruising and swelling had gone slightly. Plus, he looked less like a corpse. More alive.

Silently, Inej approached the bed. She swallowed the lump in her throat. "Listen, Kaz-" She sighed and blinked back the tears that perked up on her eyes. "Kaz, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to- not really, I mean, I just wanted to- Saints, I wanted to protect you. Isn't that stupid? As if the damage isn't already done. As if I haven't already failed in that regard."

Dark eyes watched as her shoulders crumpled and the hurt that she'd been pushing down for week sprung right back up, tearing her apart as it always did. It foraged at her heart and found something to cling onto.

Then, he started writing.

Inej felt like sobbing at the sight of his handwriting: as slanted and as indecipherable as always. To think that she'd almost lost him. To think that she'd nearly pushed him away. To think-

She shook her head and focused back on what Kaz had written. It took her a few moments to read, as it always did, but once she did an ugly sob ripped its way through her body and out of her mouth.

'Not your fault,' the paper read.

She turned to Kaz. "How?" Inej crooked out. "I was there at the fight. I couldn't done something. I should've done something!"

Gingerly, he shook his head, and Inej didn't miss how he winced at the movement. 'Not your fault.' He insisted, 'What could you have done differently?'

"I don't know," She admitted. The words were scratchy against her throat and everything ached. "But I should've done something because now you're hurt. I should've done something."

'Not your fault.'

"I wasn't paying enough attention-"

Kaz tapped the pen against the page harshly. 'Do you blame anyone else for not paying attention? Jesper, any of the other Dregs? I can hold my own in a fight and I didn't need you paying attention. It was just unlucky.'

Unlucky.

As if unlucky even began to cover what bad luck Kaz had to have that happen. That shot had been a one-in-a-million, and yet it had happened.

Maybe that was the hardest part, accepting that there was no reason it had happened. That the world was just like that. Sometimes you won the fight and sometimes you lost. Sometimes you watched the love of your life get shot in the jaw and the world fall apart. All because of luck.

"I'm weak." She whispered. "I've been ignoring you because I'm weak. Because I'm terrified that this is all my fault, and I thought that just not facing you would be easier," Once she started talking, she couldn't stop, "But it isn't easier. It's so much harder and I hate trying to ignore you. And it's hurting me, but it's also hurting you. I thought that you wouldn't want to see me, but that isn't my decision to make, right? So, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

There was a moment of silence, filled with just the rhythm of their hearts pounding in some sort of sync. Together, entwined by fate and bad luck and a love made of broken pieces.

Kaz shrugged, but she noticed how his shoulders were tense, and how his face was tilted slightly away from her. He was upset. She had hurt him.

Of course she had. On top of everything else, the wounds, and the fear, she'd made it worse in trying to protect him.

There was no rewinding time. There was no changing the past. Inej knew that, but she wished that she was able to go back and make another decision. Better yet, she wished that she was able to go back and stop Kaz from ever going to the harbour that might.

But she couldn't.

The damage was already done.

All she could do was sit in the wreckage, and hope that someday, things would be better.

Chapter Text

The damage was undeniable.

Maybe, if you turned your head away and refused to even acknowledge what had happened, you could ignore it, but even Inej wasn't trying to hide from the reality of the fact that much. Besides, she'd stopped ignoring it. Or so she told herself.

Maybe she wasn't ignoring Kaz anymore, but that didn't mean that she wasn't purposefully blinding herself, shielding herself from the residual wreckage. That didn't mean that she wasn't trying to ignore the obvious reminder of what had happened.

Kaz.

Isak removed most of the bandages after a while. He recommended not talking for a while, but Kaz was free to slowly begin eating solids again at whatever pace he was comfortable. The stitches came out. The bones healed. It was technically over.

It wasn't over.

It wasn't healed.

The skin around the wounds, where the bullet had entered and exited, where the stitches had been, was inflamed and red, taut even. The scar on his cheek, too close to his eyes, had healed alright, but the spot on his jaw was just a mess of scar tissue, dented and crusted over. Wylan had said that Isak had suspected that it would happen, that Kaz's face would change, that the damage would never be undone, but Inej had been holding out a little bit of hope.

Hope for what? That the impossible suddenly turned possible? That she wouldn't have to live with the consequences of her not being attentive enough during the fight? That Kaz would be alright, no thanks to her?

She wasn't ignoring him. But she kept a distance nevertheless. Surely he noticed, but Kaz never brought it up, and neither did Jesper and Wylan.

They all helped to keep up the act of normalcy. None of them mentioned how Kaz would occasionally rub his knuckles over the ridge in his jaw where the metal was, and none of them mentioned how he winced every single time. None of them mentioned how they meals consisted of either mashed potatoes or soup, because Kaz couldn't eat any else. None of them mentioned how Inej couldn't meet Kaz's eyes. They all stayed silent.

It was easier when it was silent. Easier to ignore and easier to pretend.

She wasn't ignoring him, but that didn't mean that it wasn't obvious that something between them had changed. Because of her and her actions.

It was late afternoon, the sun just beginning to dip down in the sky, disappearing behind the tallest buildings of them all. The golden hour; it was beautiful.

Kaz was on the bed and Inej was perched on the windowsill. Even through they were close, the distance between them was impossible to breach. They didn't speak, even though Kaz held his notebook in his lap and his pen in his hand. He was reverently writing, but he kept crumpling up the paper, and Inej didn't dare to ask what he was writing about. Perhaps, she wondered, out of fear.

The bathroom door was locked shut, and it had been since Kaz had felt alright enough to get out of bed. He used the bathroom down the hall instead. That one didn't have a mirror. The one in the bedroom did.

Inej stared out of the window, her gaze fixed on the horizon so far away. Just there lay a sliver of a blue that she had grown to love. The True Sea, her home away from home. Her ship was still in the harbour, and her crew was scattered around Ketterdam, awaiting instructions. If she wanted to, if she truly needed to...

She could leave. The sea awaited her. If she wanted to, nothing was, theoretically, stopping her from leaving. Nothing held her back.

It was a traitorous thought, but her traitorous heart longed for the sea, for the salt on her skin, and her knives in her hands. That itching before a fight, the feeling of it afterwards: she missed it. She missed being in control of her fate and her ship. She missed being able to actually save and help people. She missed being able to do something for the people she cared about.

Even though she tried, nothing subdued those thoughts. Nothing stopped them. Nothing stopped her from wanting to fight.  She wanted her knives in her hands and she wanted to know that she was capable. That she could help.

She glanced over at Kaz, still writing like there was no tomorrow, and, without her fully realising it, her hands slid down her jacket until she got to the lump in her pocket.

It was a photo of him from a few months ago, back before everything had changed. Before that bullet. The picture had been taken without him realising, and he was grinning, in the middle of laughing at something she had said. Jesper had given her the photo with a smile, whispering about how happy Kaz looked. He was right. He looked happy.

Inej bit her lip, then stood up as the thoughts got too loud. She needed to escape. She needed out.

She managed one glance back at the room, and back at Kaz. He was staring right at her and writing hurriedly like there was no time left, like he was fighting in a losing battle. His arm was outstretched. Like what? He was trying to reach for her. Trying to stop her.

She didn't stick around long enough to see what he wrote.

The rest of the day passed endlessly as guilt just about consumed Inej. The photo in her pocket burned into her skin like a secret, but she couldn't help but pull it out every hour or so and stare at the picture. Maybe, a small part of her hoped that all of this was just a nightmare, and she'd wake up back then. Back when everything was alright.

Just as the sun had began to set, there was a knocking on the door. Inej glanced around, but Wylan and Jesper had left to talk in hushed whispers upstairs ages ago, and Kaz was still in his room, so it was just her. She sighed and opened the door.

Anika was standing on the doorstep, smiling awkwardly.

"Inej! I heard that you're back." She greeted, her body reeking of tension. Instantly, Inej was on edge.

Inej frowned. "I have been for a while now. What are you doing here?" Before Anika could even open her mouth, she cut in. "Wait, no- I know. You want something."

Anika winced. "It's more of an offer? Sort of?"

"Just spit it out."

"I now know where the Dime Lions are meeting up. Their base. Granted, it's a vague address and it is hardly their only base, but it's a start, at least." Anika exhaled and ran a hand over the shorn side of her. "It's a start for getting revenge. I- I mean, we lost some people in the ambush. They need to pay up."

Before, Inej would have at least hesitated. She would have at least thought about it, considered if there was any other method. Revenge had always been a fine line to her. She was never intentionally and unnecessarily cruel, but yes, she did bring Slaver's their comeuppance. If that was considered enacting revenge, then by all means, Inej felt no shame.

The difference was that before, she always acted cautiously. She planned out her actions before hand. She thought about it.

"Yes. Please." She replied before Anika's words had even had a chance to sink in. "I'm in."

Anika nodded. Inej noticed how she kept glancing around, as if waiting for something.

"And will... Will Kaz join us?"

Or, as if she was waiting for someone.

Inej felt the words in the back of her throat. The pain was lodged there, along with the stress and everything else that she had been carrying. The guilt had burrowed itself deeper, though. That sat directly in her sternum, the kind of wound that would never be healed.

"No." She sucked in a quiet breath and swallowed roughly. "He was injured. Badly. He's stable now, but for a good while it was..."

There were no words to describe those first moments right after the fight, where it had been  just a heartrender and useless prayers keeping him alive. Those horrible days when Inej had assumed the worst. She had assumed that she had los him for good.

Anika nodded silently. Then, she stepped out of the doorway.

"Are you ready?"

Every sensical thought in her screamed for her to reconsider. Her heart begged for her to turn around and return upstairs. She needed to make things right with Kaz. She needed to help fix what was broken. Revenge would not save them. Only time and effort would, only they could save themselves. Even if it took a while, they never stopped fighting for each other. Captain Inej Ghafa never stopped fighting.

But then again, she had lost who she was a long time ago, when Kaz had gotten shot. On that fateful day by the harbour, when she had plunged in to save Kaz, someone had died.

The water changed people. It took and it ruined and it killed, all without any mercy. Kaz Rietveld had been lost to the waters of Ketterdam. It only made sense that Inej Ghafa had succumbed to the same fate.

But if she was dead, then what was left?

Silently, she nodded and followed Anika out of the Van Eck house, leaving Kaz and all delirious ideas of healing behind.

They found the address without much difficulty. There was already a group of people gathered outside; dregs, new and old. Some that she recognised, and then some that she couldn't put a name to.

"They're all inside. Unaware." Pim said. Acid drenched his voice. Then, his gaze met her, and something like surprise sprung up on his face. Eventually he nodded at her. "Wraith, it's good to see you."

She nodded in return and glanced at the building. It was as plain as could be, and small. Inconspicuous.

A gunshot rang out, and everything else that came after was a mess, filled with adrenaline-addled memories, messy and inconsistent.

Her body ached, but it felt amazing to have her knives in her hands again. It was terrible, she was terrible, but her broken heart found the strangest sort of glee in how the Dime Lions screamed and begged for mercy. She granted them none.

Finally, her fate was back in her hands. Finally, she had control over something again. For too long, she had watched helplessly as the worst of the worst occurred. Finally, she had taken things back in to her own hands.

After what felt like only a minute or so, but had to have been much longer, all of them stood in the centre of the building, breathless and grinning. They are terrible, so horrible and soulless, but that was what Ketterdam did to people. It took, it ruined, and it killed mercilessly. The only way to survive was to do the same.

"What should we do now?" One of the newer Dregs asked, glancing around. Their voice echoed inside the silent building. Everyone was either dead or a killer.

Inej's chest clenched painfully. "Burn it. Burn it all to the ground." She told them. It was an order, not a suggestion.

With that, she left, unable to face what she had done. Unable to face what she now was.

A monster.

The journey back to the Van Eck house was far too short, and the entire time Inej had been painfully aware of the blood on her clothes and the picture that was still in her back pocket, safe and sound.

Acting before she could think, Inej knocked on the front door. In hindsight, she should have just entered via a window at the back. Silently, like the Wraith had been trained to.

It was Wylan who answered the door, and Inej watched as his face catapulted through a series of emotions.

First relief. Then, confusion. Realisation. Horror. Finally, disappointment that made her back crawl.

"I'm-" His mouth opened and closed, eyes flashing as he glanced backwards nervously. "I'm glad you're safe. Maybe the back entrance? That- I mean, so you don't..."

Then, she realised what he was getting at.

Dark brown eyes met hers, and Inej felt whatever resolve she had built up crumble with just one look at him.

At Kaz.

He was leaning heavily on his cane, supported by Jesper and the wall, but Saints, he was up and staring at her...

Staring at the blood on her shirt.

"The Dime Lions," she didn't miss how everyone, including her, flinched, "are dead. The ones behind the attack are dead."

Somehow, she had believed that those words would change something. She had hoped that it would bring some comfort to Kaz, to know that the ones who had brought this upon him were now gone. The would never hurt him again.

Instead, his eyes sharpened.

He still stared at her, something toeing the line of disappointment edging in his gaze. But what had he expected? He'd given her knifes and taught her how to kill. He'd given her freedom.

No, that wasn't fair.

He had given her knives to protect herself. But he had given her so much more. He had given her a chance to heal, and in return, she had stayed by his side and helped him. They had fought, side by side, relentlessly. No matter what.

He had given her wings to avoid the dangers that the ground brought. And instead, she was flying higher and higher. She was going to crash into the sun.

Ruined.

Saints, she wanted to cry. She wanted to sleep and to never wake up again. The world was cruel, so incredibly cruel.

Together, they had tried to forge a world where they could love and heal. They had tried to find a world where they could be safe. Now, they stood too far away, hurt and alone, broken and bruised, and Inej suspected that those wounds would be the ones that would never heal.

Sometimes, the world kept taking. When would it be enough? Inej had sacrificed everything. Kaz had sacrificed everything.

They would never get that world of theirs. They would never have that safety, that chance that they so desperately wanted.

Inej had messed up.

And, she feared, that would be a mistake she could never erase. Those would be wounds that would never heal.

Forever, that night would be branded deep into their skin, entrenched in their hearts, a part of them.

Inej, covered in blood and made of mistakes, and Kaz, paying the price and staring at her, disappointment tainting those eyes she had loved.

Lovers, forever broken

Chapter Text

There were no words to describe what Kaz had felt when he had seen Inej standing by the door of the Van Eck house, covered in blood. Granted, Kaz found that he couldn't describe much of what had happened in the past weeks, either.

He didn't want to think about it. Any of it. Truthfully, he feared that if he thought about it for too long, it would break him entirely. So he tried to keep himself distracted by spending more time with Jesper and Wylan. And, if he could've, he would've spent more time with Inej.

When he'd first woken up, Inej had been there by his side, and he'd realised that it had been her who had saved him; he lived because of her. Despite everything- the pain, that overwhelming pain that sent him drowning all over again- Kaz had believed that, with her by his side, everything would be alright. They'd get through it together, side by side.

Oh, Ghezen, how wrong he'd been.

How naive. To believe that nothing would come between them, that Inej would be there to hold his hand the entire time. There to guide him back to safety when it felt like he was drowning again. She had promised that. She had said that she would stay.

So then, what had changed?

Inej was undoubtedly good. She was his sun and his stars, and she was good, far better than he had ever been. Yes, she killed, but it was always thought out and it was never mercilessly. So then, what had changed? What had pushed her far enough that she went on a Dime Lion killing spree? What was causing her to ignore him?

Kaz wasn't blind and he didn't believe kind lies either. He knew that the bullet had left a lasting impact, and a visible one at that. Even if he hadn't looked in a mirror- out of fear, because if he saw then it would be real-, deep down he knew that this, that bullet and the catastrophe that followed, was something that would follow him forever.

So would the pain.

Kaz was no stranger to pain. He could remember that night when he was fourteen as if it had been yesterday, and that pain had haunted him ever since. He had been shot and cut and been out in impossible situations that left him scarred and bruised; that was life in the Barrel. You never escaped unscathed.

But all of that was a different kind of pain. That was fiery, filled with fury and that need for revenge that had consumed him back then. That pain had been a sign of his resilience, proof of how thick his armour was. It was proof that he had survived.

The constant pain that radiated from his jaw felt like drowning. Each wave of agony was a reminder of what had happened to him an tha fat that there was nothing else that could be done. Each move of his head, every time he swallowed or opened his mouth or even just breathed, the pain split anew and he was swallowed up by the waves again. Even when he was asleep, frozen still as he willed himself to be alright again, it was still there. That tangible discomfort, those waves and those ghosts, that reminder of his weakness: it was never going away. It would be stuck with him. Forever.

And even more terrifying than that was the idea that the new distance between him and Inej would be there forever as well.

He had been getting better since the Ice Court. Granted, there had been bad days and setbacks, but together, they had been moving forwards together. Kaz had been getting better at actually saying what he meant, rather than just relying on gestures and actions, and in turn, Inej had been doing the same. Together.

She was ignoring him, just like he was ignoring truly thinking about what had happened. He couldn't fault her for it; Kaz understood how it was hard it was- to see what had changed and to know that it would never be the same again. But still, his selfish heart hurt. He missed her.

"Kaz?" Jesper appeared in the doorway of the room, the one that he had been in since he'd woken up, simply because there was nowhere else for him to go.

He couldn't go back to the Slat and the Dregs. Not when his injury was a sign of weakness. And who did that leave him? Dirtyhands without his reputation, without his gang, without his strength. Who was left?

A child, with flowers in his hair and his brother by his side. A boy, lost beneath the waves with fire in his heart. A man, forever changed.

Him. Kaz- but Brekker or Rietveld?

"Kaz?" Jesper repeated, and Kaz tore his gaze away from the notebook in front of him. He had been writing in it furiously, pouring out all the thoughts stuck in his head, and then tearing them out and destroying the evidence. "Isak is here again. For a checkup. Just to see how you're doing."

Kaz stared down at what he had written. He had scribbled our everything except for three words.

'Where is she?'

Inej. He wanted to know where Inej was.

She had disappeared into the night after last evening, and Kaz hadn't had the heart to try to stop her. He couldn't blame her.

Jesper stepped closer and Kaz hugged the notebook to his chest.

"Are you ready?"

After a moment, Kaz nodded. He stood up unsteadily, ignoring how Jesper reached out to support him.

Quickly, he realised that leaving his cane behind was the only possible option. Isak still didn't know his true identity, and Kaz intended to keep it that way. Even if he never meant to return to the Dregs, he didn't want their reputation to be ruined by the entire Barrel knowing that their renowned Dirtyhands was weak. It was better for them to thing that he had gone out strong, in fire and flames.

Kaz limped out of the bedroom, only sparing one look back at the notebook, filled with thoughts and questions that would, most likely, forever go unsaid.

Silently, Jesper offered out an arm for Kaz to take. Kaz considered it for a moment, then gripped Jesper's wrist. They stood like that for moment, with Kaz waiting for the waters to rise. They did at first, but he exhaled sharply and was fine again. There were two layers of clothes between their skin. Besides, all things considered, it wasn't a terrible day.

The trip down the stairs was slow and painful, but at least Kaz had only been on the first floor, so the journey was as short as it could be.

"Jordie!" Isak called down as soon as they were at the bottom of the stairs.

Kaz had to bite back the wince that rose at that name. It was the name of a ghost, of what had been, and of what he had lost. Still, he managed a slight, painful, smile, which made the scar on his cheek send agony down through his spine.

The three of them made their way into the living room, and Wylan hovered anxiously at the doorway, asking if anyone needed anything.

"Now," Isak began once they were sat down as comfortably as possible. His hands were gloved, and while part of Kaz hated the sign of his own weakness, a much larger part of him just felt relekeved. "I'm just going to feel along your jaw and cheek, gently as I can. Your job is to let me know if anything hurts an unusual amount."

True to his word, Isak was as careful as possible, but even the light sensation of his fingers running over Kaz's jawline sent brutal pain through his veins, muddling up every other sense.

At least with the pain crowding his thoughts, he didn't have to worry about the touch, or the waters trying to drown him up. He was already drowning. He was already far gone.

It was over quickly enough, anyway.

Isak pulled his hands away and smiled. "Feels all good. The bones seem to have healed and I feel certain that you've made sufficient recovery. So, how has eating been? What kinds of foods?" He questioned.

Kaz shrugged, but it was Wylan who actually replied.

"Soft foods, mostly." He offered, moving in to stand next to Jesper. "Yesterday, I think, he ate some bread, so that was, I suppose- It was a step up."

Isak smiled and turned to Kaz. "That's good. Small steps like that are what we're looking for. With everything that's been said, I'm going to go ahead and clear you for general movements. Speaking, and what not. Take it at your own pace, of course. Don't feel like you have to rush this. But aside from that, my work is done."

Done.

As if Kaz was properly healed, as if things were back to normal, as if he was alright. Just the word and the idea of it made Kaz want to scream. He wanted to be normal again. He wanted everything to be fine, he wanted to be fine.

Anger flared up in his bones and a headache formed at the front of his head, starting in the diver between his eyebrows.

This was how people got ruined. The anger that had settled in him, the fire that was always there, burning him up, all of it was just another step towards the end. His own demise.

Kaz wanted to scream, but everyone was watching him, expecting something from him. They wanted him to be back to normal as well.

He opened his mouth, and swallowed harshly against the pain that bloomed up. It felt strange. A movement that had been second nature to him was now foreign. Still, he pushed through that.

"Fuck." He whispered in a hoarse voice. Pain splintered across his face, and he remembered how Inej used to gently massage the back of his neck. It was the touch he could usually manage, and he remembered how comforting it was. Another thing that he had lost.

Jesper grinned, but his eyes were sad. "Great first words." He commented. "Real articulate, buddy." When Wylan elbowed him, he held his hands up in defense. "Hey, hey, hey, rude! I'm being good moral support."

Kaz rolled his eyes. "You're terrible." It felt a bit better, the second time around. "I would never want you for moral support."

"You have wounded me!" Jesper exclaimed. "Wylan, please, sooth my hurt soul."

"You're so dramatic." Wylan scoffed, but a moment later he planted a kiss on Jesper's cheek. "I suppose I love you more for it."

Whatever Jesper was going to say in regards to that was cut off when the door clicked open. And then, a moment later, Inej was at the doorway of the living room, staring at them with slightly wide eyes, and surprise written into every feature in her face. Kaz supposed that she hadn't been expecting anyone to be there when she entered.

At least she wasn't covered in blood. In fact, she looked good. She was dressed in more casual clothing, but her hair was down. It fell in silky tresses down to her waist, and Kaz wanted to run his fingers through it. He wanted to be close to her again.

However, the world cared very little about what he wanted.

Isak was the first to break the silence. "It's been a while since I've seen you around here." His eyes crinkled up when he smiled sincerely.

Inej shrugged. "I've been busy, I suppose."

Busy. Of course.

Kaz wasn't able to help the bitter acid that rose up, swallowing his heart whole. The anger was almost welcome, almost familiar, but it had never been directed at Inej before. And it wasn't. He wasn't angry at Inej, and his rational mind knew that. But his heart, his awful, traitorous heart worked without him telling it to do so.

He swallowed down any harsh words that longed to be said out loud. "Hello, Inej."

He caught her surprise. Her eyes, dark and beautiful, widened and her mouth parted. Inej rarely lost balance, as the air always bent at her will, but in that moment she stumbled back and grabbed at the doorframe. He almost felt bad.

She smiled tightly once she had regained her balance. "Hello," She replied. "It's good to hear you. Now, I, um-" Inej bit down on her lip and stepped into the hallway. Kaz could feel the exact moment that he realised that things were truly broken between them. Some wounds never healed.

"I'll see you later." Inej finally said, and Kaz stayed frozen as she left the room. There was an air of finality, and it was suffocating.

He wondered if perhaps they would ever had what they used to again. If they would ever be like that again, in love and unruined. If they would ever hold hands again. If it would ever feel like whatever came their way, they would fight it, hand in hand. Together.

Kaz knew that some things didn't last. Some things were meant to be wonderful for a short period of time, before they fizzled away. Like a sunset, a beautiful, vivid sunset. Some things were never meant to last.

But some things were supposed to be forever, and Kaz had hoped that he and Inej counted as the latter. He had hoped that he would be with her forever. Until the end of time.

There was no point in remembering what his old hopes that been. Not when everything had changed so much. The past hurt too much. All he could do was face forwards and hold his head high. If he didn't, he would drown.

Isak left at some point, casually saying goodbye and good luck, but Kaz was stuck in his own thoughts too much to notice. He was overcome with a dizzy need for nostalgia. A need for Inej. No matter what, he wanted.

The room was suddenly too small. He was drowning.

He was up on his feet before he even realised he had moved.

"Kaz?" Jesper asked. "Listen, um, are you alright?"

He answered too quickly. "Yes."

Wylan sighed, and stepped closer to the doorway. That was where Kaz was. "We're just worried about you. Everything has been a lot recently, and it can be easy to get overwhelmed. If you're not okay right now, that's understandable."

"I am alright."

"Alright." Wylan smiled slightly. "That's good. Because if you're not, you can talk to us. We're always here."

Kaz nodded sharply. He could see what they were getting at; they didn't believe his phony lies. He didn't blame them.

"I know. I will. I just need some air."

Jesper nodded, though that did nothing to get rid of the worry on his eyes. Gut-rotting guilt joined the mess of emotions in his awful brain. The weariness in their stances was because of him. Because he'd been stupid enough to underestimate the Dime Lions. Now, all of them were paying the price.

"Alright," Jesper said. "Go outside. Get some air. And then..." He nodded again.

"I will."

With that, Kaz left as fast as he could.

He didn't actually go outside for some air, even though that would have been the sensible thing to do. Instead, he went back to the room he had been in after he nearly died, because retreating and letting the horrible consume him was what Kaz Brekker did best.

Something had changed about the room, and it took him a moment to realise it. Someone else had been inside. Clothes were tucked neatly on top of the bed. Casual clothes. Inej's clothes.

He was about to turn away, when something on the top of the pile caught his eye. Carefully, he approached, and then realised what it was. A folded up photo.

With all the care his deft locksmith's fingers possessed, he unfolded the photo and stared at it.

Stared at himself.

It was a photo of him, and a slightly old one. A few months back, though he couldn't remember when. He was smiling, in the photo. He looked happy, almost care free.

Inej had been carrying around a photo of him. A photo of him from before. He could almost laugh at the idea of it. All that time when she was ignoring him, creating that undeniable distance, she had been carrying a photo of him in her pocket. Like a lover would. Like someone who cared would.

He felt like laughing.

He was crying.

Silently, tears rolled down his face, over the scars that had started all of this, and he didn't bother wiping them away. Kaz just made sure that none ruined the photo. He wouldn't want Inej's only reminder of what she had lost to be ruined. The photo couldn't be ruined, not like he had.

He was alone in the room, alone in his misery, and then-

There was someone in the doorway.

Kaz turned and glanced over his shoulder, still clutching the photo awkwardly.

Inej was stood in the doorway.

Staring at him.

Fuck.

"Kaz?"

Chapter Text

"Kaz?"

Inej wanted to run away. She wanted to get far away, and she wanted to go back to pretending that everything was fine- pretending that nothing had changed. Then, it had been easier. So much easier.

But she couldnt.

Kaz had been crying. His dark eyes were red and puffy, and the tracks that the tears had left were shiny under the light. He was still shaking, shuddering in some desperate attempt to regain control, and clutching something in his hand. A photo.

Her photo. Her photo of him.

Inej had changed into something more comfortable, and she'd left her clothes on the bed, assuming that Kaz would stay behind. She hadn't thought.

Saints, this was everything she had been avoiding. Kaz was staring at her, and her every flaw was out on display. She couldn't hide any longer.

"Kaz..." She repeated. There was no much she needed to say, so much she wanted to say, but all of the words had left her mouth.

Her chest had hollowed, and all that was left was an old ache. She longed for familiarity. She longed to hold Kaz in her arms as he cried. She wanted to help him, be near him, but Inej was far beyond that point. It had been her decisions that had pushed him away; she had to live with the consequences.

Decisions made out of fear, though. She had pushed Kaz away because of that sick guilt that consumed her. She had pushed him away because it was too hard for her, seeing him hurt and in pain.

It had been the wrong decision, Inej realised that as Kaz continued to stare at her, his expression a mix of shock and hesitance. However painful it was to see him in pain from an injury, it was a thousand times more agonizing to know that she had caused that pain. That look on his face and the pain in his eyes were all credited to her.

Inej had messed up. And badly.

"Kaz, listen-" She began.

He cut her off with a scoff, standing up on unsteady feet. There was vitriol in his expression, but that did nothing to distract Inej from the shine of his eyes, and how his bottom lip was quivering ever so slightly.

"Listen?" He chuckled to himself. "You've been carrying around a photo of me in your pocket. Like I'm dead. Like I'm gone."

She had missed his voice. She missed him.

Her decision, her consequences.

But, fuck, she wanted to hold him again. Saints, she was so stupid, pushing Kaz away. Pushing her lover away.

She swallowed roughly and took a step closer. "I'm sorry- I'm so fucking sorry-"

"Goddamnit, Inej- I'm alive!" He yelled. "I survived."

Anger seemed to ripple through his face, quickly. Like everything he had been holding down was rushing up, exploding. Inej found that the same was happening to her; all the hurt that she had buried was consuming her and she couldn't stop. They were ticking times bombs, the two of them. Absolute messes.

She stepped closer to Kaz, reaching an arm out to try to console him. He flinched away, and then-

"I survived. I lived. If you wish that I hadn't-"

"No!" She was sobbing, and properly sobbing at that. "Never, Kaz, never. I am so glad that you survived. Never would I wish that..."

It was the truth. Horror dawned over Inej as she realised the extent of how much she had hurt Kaz. Her actions, or her lack of actions, had led him to believe that... That she would rather he be dead.

Never.

Kaz stepped back. There was a moment of rough silence that filled the ever-expanding distance between them, and then he sighed.

"Didn't mean to yell. But I-" He turned away from her. "You've been ignoring me. Ignoring what happened. That isn't fair. You get to turn your head away, ignore me, ignore what happened- but guess what? I have to live with this. I have to live with this. I have to live what happened. If you want to go, then..." He shrugged.

She wanted to step closer, wanted to feel his breath against hers, his pulse, but kept her distance instead.

It was hard. Of course it was hard. The words didn't come easily, and no matter how much she willed her heart to, nothing could properly explain how she acted. There was no perfect explanation. But she could try. For him.

For the both of them.

"Kaz, pushing away, ignoring you- I regret it all. So much, and I wish that I did it differently. I wish I could go back. Change myself. I tried, but seeing you hurt... I thought distance was easier." She paused, andthen, in a whisper, added: "I was terrified that it was my fault."

Kaz turned to face her. "I never blamed you. Not once." He was crying again.

"But I blamed myself."

He sighed, dipping his head down. "Inej," It was the first time he had said her name, and it sounded like a prayer to her ears. "The injury was not your fault. It was a rigged fight, and we were bound to lose. I underestimated them. And it happened. It was bad luck. I got shot. Or, they just had good aim. But so many times after, I- I wished for you."

The honesty hurt. Inej found that her heart was aching more than before, and Kaz looked like he was in pain as well, though she couldn't tell whether it was the toll talking was taking on his jaw, or if he was feeling the same as her. That burn of the heart, the way distance hurt.

The distance had always hurt, but the had soldiered on. There were always nights out on sea when Inej missed Kaz desperately. Nights when she couldn't fall asleep because she missed the noises of him working, her own sort of a lullaby. Ages ago, he had confessed that when she was away, he did nothing but wish for her beside her. They always missed each other, and yet, they continued in a righteous way. They had things to do. People to bring down. Lives to save and lives to ruin.

But still,  She had never stopped missing him.

"At first, I couldn't let go of you. Wylan had to nearly drag me away just so the Medik could work. It took a while for Jesper to convince me to leave. And then..." Her voice trailed off.

"And then?"

Inej bit her lip, unable to tell if she was still crying. "And then it got too hard, to see you in pain. I found that pretending everything was fine was easier. I'm weak."

She had let it destroy her. She had let that bullet, that awful fate they were served, ruin them. Standing in the wreckage, hopelessly wishing that there was something left, Inej wished that she had been stronger. If she hadn't let the tides drown her out, then she never would have hurt Kaz.

If she had been stronger. Just a little bit stronger...

Kaz shook his head. "No weak. Just human."

"Just human." She echoed.

"Just human, and fallible. We all make bad decisions. We all mess up. But someone wise, someone incredible," Kaz smiled, and his eyes crinkled in the corners, same as before. Still him. "Taught me that what matters is the after. How are you going to make it up? How are you going to fix it?"

After a moment, she realised, and the tears started falling again. Saints, she had missed him so much.

"Mati en sheva yelu." She murmured. "This action will have no echo." Slowly, she approached Kaz, and he didn't move away. Inej took his gloved hand in hers, and suddenly everything felt right again. "I promise."

Kaz nodded, and then, leaned down to press a gentle kiss to the crown of her head. He pulled her closer and Inej burrowed her face against her chest.

Carefully, he pulled his gloves off and then, with the hesitance that they always danced with, pressed a hand to her cheek. As always, Kaz's hand was almost icy. He ran eternally cold, and even something as simple as that made Inej want to break down again.

His thumb brushed the skin under her eye, and Inej shuddered out a sigh. Was there any other place she felt more right? Was there anything more beautiful than the sight of Kaz in front of her?

"I still feel bad. I still feel terrible. I ignored you, and I hurt you. I never meant to, but I did." She whispered. The words burned through the back of her throat. "I hurt you, Kaz."

He kissed her forehead again. "I, well- I can't deny that it hurt. It did. It did hurt, so much. But, well, I can understand. Watching everything desperately spiral out of control, trying to find your footing again, trying to find some way to know that you're steady enough to keep moving forwards. I've been there, love."

"At the Dime Lions hideout, it felt good." She admitted. Another piece of armour down. "Fighting them, it felt like I could forget. I felt like myself again. Does that make me a horrible person?"

He shook his head feverently, and then winced and ran a finger over his jaw. "No, never. Inej, never. Just human. Just like me."

Slowly, giving him plenty of time to move away or say no, Inej brushed her thumb against the scar on his jaw. She felt his every move, every breath of air felt like her own.

"It must hurt." She murmured, mostly to herself. "You shouldn't be talking this much. Just making it hurt worse."

Kaz shrugged. "Well, yes, but this is important." He ran a hand through he hair and Inej inched closer. There was practically no space between them. "So we can miss forwards. We can let the armour down. Piece by piece."

"I like the idea of that." She smiled. "Piece by piece, brick by brick."

They stayed like that for a while, intertwined and nearly whole again.

Things were not perfect, not by any means, but they had never felt more right. Her and Kaz, side by side, embracing just like lovers did. They were not unchanged and unscarred, and the world was just as horrible as before. However, Inej decided, being beside him, close and in love, there was no other way she would have it.

Things were not perfect, yes, but together, they could move forwards. They could heal.

Together, piece by piece.

Chapter Text

She woke up slowly, coming to herself piece by piece.

There was a body curled up beside her, a head buried in her chest, a hand resting just above her waist, and a leg tucked in between hers. Her hands were in the figure's hair.

A while ago, even just the idea of waking up beside someone filled Inej with unwanted revolt, and Kaz had felt the same way. Touch aside, it was an intimate act, to fall asleep beside someone. It left you vulnerable, and in the Barrel, revealing vulnerability was a death sentence. When they did decide to stay in the same room for the night, one always sat in chair, and they never slept at the same time. It led to fragmented nights, but it ensured safe nights. It ensured nights that were good enough.

Inej felt none of that panic when she realised who was beside her. It was Kaz, and they had fallen asleep together. Not only that, but they had fallen asleep together while cuddling. She had to smile at that. Dirtyhands, cuddling. If the Dregs knew that, well-

They wouldn't. Anything that happened in the Van Eck stayed in the Van Eck house. Besides, Kaz had given full control of the Dregs over to Anika and Pim. It had been a hard decision, but after everything that had happened, it had been the right decision.

There was no more Dirtyhands. No more Bastard of the Barrel. Just Kaz Brekker. And he'd stopped hiding. Yes, people had come after him at first, seeing the scars and the obvious change as a sign of weakness, but soon, they had learned that even if he was no longer in charge of the Dregs, you still didn't mess with Kaz Brekker. Not unless you had a death wish.

Inej had been trying. Some days, she still felt like it was all her fault, like the guilt would consume her. But then there were other days that were better. It was the same way they had been working for the past years. Taking it one day at a time, and trying. For each other. For themselves.

Inej tried to get out of the bed as silently as possible, so perhaps Kaz could catch a couple more hours of sleep, but as soon a she was sat up, there was a small groan from behind her.

"'Nej?" He mumbled, watching her with blearly eyes.

It was those moments that she lived for. Early in the morning, dusk just having broke on the horizon, and Kaz beside her. His hair was messy and his armour was done. This was what love was. This messy game of trust and trying.

She loved him. She loved him more than words could describe, more than the love that kept the world breathing. She loved him enough to keep trying, one day at a time.

"Darling," She said softly. "Try to get some more sleep, maybe. It's still early. You look tired."

Kaz shook his head and sat up. He grabbed his cane, and then shuffled closer to her. They weren't quite touching for a moment, and then he rested a hand on her knee.

"No, I'm good." He replied. "Want to make the most of the time we have left." A pause, and he sighed. "Before you go."

Of course.

They had one more day, and then Inej was returning back to her ship and her crew. She hadn't meant to stay in Ketterdam for so long, but that plan had been blown out of the window with what had happened. But she couldn't out her return off forever. Kaz had promised her that he would be alright, and so, she had made the plans to set sail again. First to Ravka, and then to Novyi Zem to meet a contact of theirs.

One more day.

She couldn't help but worry about what would happen when she was away. If she was out at seas, and something happened, and then if she didn't get home in time, then...

"Love, it's alright." Kaz mumbled. He brushed a stray strand of her hair back. "I will be alright. I will be safe, I promise. Inej, I can defend myself. There isn't any need to worry."

She exhaled and took his hand in her own. "I know, I know, but..." It had been an unfortunate twist of bad luck that had led them there. If it happened again-

"I will be alright." Kaz repeated, his voice stronger that time. "I can take care of myself."

Inej smiled. "I know. I know. You will be safe. As will I." Kaz nodded and kissed her knuckles. It was a much needed reminder for both of them. Safety was never guaranteed, of course, but there was no point in worrying before she even embarked back on the Wraith. There were better ways to spend their remaining time.

Inej ran a hand through Kaz's hair, and he arched his back to meet her hand.

"How are you feeling, darling?" She asked.

After a moment, he shrugged. "Sore. But good. Really good." A smile split across his face, and Inej wanted to capture that moment. That was the sort of photo you kept in your pocket.

Even though she loathed moving away from him, Inej stood up and stretched out. It always helped to soothe whatever muscles were aching ever so slightly, and it was a habit she'd had since her childhood; stretching to start her morning.

The two of them got dressed and ready for the day ahead in relative silence. Occasionally, they brushed paths and Inej would squeeze Kaz's hand or he would kiss the crown of her head softly, and then they would continue. It was their own dance, made just for them, and Inej wouldn't have had it any other way.

"What do you want for breakfast?" She asked, tying her hair back with a ribbon that Kaz had gifted to her recently.

"I'll eat anything."

She grinned. "Waffles it is."

He laughed. It was more of a chuckle really, but Saints, that was the laugh. Just like that, she fell in love with him all over again. Over and over again.

She tied the laces on her boots and opened the door, but right before she could leave, a gentle hand wrapped around her wrist. Inej turned to face Kaz, who was turning red and staring at his shoes.

"Nej, if you're going to worry about me while you're away, and I'll worry about you, then perhaps..." He swallowed, and Inej frowned. "Maybe, so you don't have to worry..."

"I'm- I'm not following, darling. What are you suggesting?"

Kaz exhaled and placed his hand against her heart. Could he hear, then, how her breath hitched when she caught how his eyes looked golden in the bask of the new sunlight? Could he hear how much she loved him? She hoped so.

"Inej, my love, perhaps I could accompany you. On this trip." He blurted out.

It took her a few too many moments to understand.

"You... You want to come with me. On this trip." She echoed.

Kaz nodded slightly. "Like we planned. To Ravka. To your home." He stepped closer, and instinctually, Inej wrapped her arms around his frame.  "I can't promise that it will be easy for me. I haven't been in a boat, out on open waters, since... It has been a while. I don't know if... If maybe it might be hard for me. But I will try."

"I will be there. Every moment of it, I will be with you. Beside you." She promised, and never before had she meant something as much as she meant those words. "Together, we will keep trying. Day by day."

He smiled. "Piece by piece. Now, I think waffles are in order." With that, he squeezed her hand gently, and led her out of the bedroom. Together, they made their way downstairs.

Together. Hand in hand, because no matter what happened, and no matter how tough it was, crows never stopped fighting for each other. Their flight for their love and their chances. Together, all the way through.

And Inej wasn't just looking at one more day. No, she was looking at a promise of forever.