Work Text:
Summer, 1993
Remus was moving again. He had held this most recent job for almost a year, which was a new record he was very proud of. It was easier to make up excuses for Muggles who didn't believe in magic or werewolves, but eventually employers got tired of his regular absences and sent him on his way. So he lost his job, didn’t have the money to make rent at his current flat, and had to move what meager belongings he still had out by the end of the week.
As he was going through some of the older boxes that hadn’t gotten fully unpacked in the first place, he quickly realized why one remained firmly closed and tucked away. It held his things. The things he couldn’t bear to look at or to let go of. It held Sirius’ things.
It wasn’t much to look at to just anyone, but Remus knew. A ticket stub from their first concert. Laces from an old pair of Docs. Scraps of parchment with prank ideas and love poems. An old school tie that spent just as much time on a doorknob as around its owner’s neck. A couple of select records he couldn’t part with. The first record he pulled out was Queen and he put it on as he sifted through the rest of the contents. At the very bottom of the box were a handful of polaroids. He found pictures of James and Lily walking hand-in-hand by the lake, Sirius and James with arms slung around each other, beaming at the camera, and countless pictures of all the Marauder's in their dormitory throughout the years, cataloging their time together. At the bottom of this pile were pictures of him and Sirius.
As he got to the last few pictures, he remembered why he didn’t listen to these records - there were too many memories woven into the lyrics and melodies. In the background, Freddie Mercury began to sing:
It started off so well
They said we made a perfect pair
I clothed myself in your glory and your love
How I loved you
How I cried
Remus remembered slowly falling for Sirius, with his dark hair, bright grey eyes, brilliant smile, and infectious laugh. He was always closer to Sirius than the other Marauders, and making the transition from friends to lovers had been scary but well worth it. Remus didn’t believe in soul mates, but if he did he imagined that’s what he and Sirius were. It seemed inevitable that they would end up together and felt more natural to be with Sirius than alone. Remus believed he knew Sirius better than he knew himself...that is, until October 31, 1981.
The years of care and loyalty
Were nothing but a sham it seems
The years belie we lived a lie
I love you till I die
Remus hadn’t known what happened. The wizarding world was buzzing with the news that You Know Who had been defeated, but the story couldn’t be true. James and Lily betrayed? Peter dead? Sirius a traitor? Nothing made sense. Just days before he was waking up in Sirius’ arms, singing with him while they cooked dinner, kissing him slowly and deeply, trying to live in the moment while a war raged on outside. He couldn’t reconcile the fact he was suddenly alone with all his friends dead and Sirius to blame. He couldn’t reconcile the fact he still loved Sirius as much now as he did then.
Save me, save me, save me
I can't face this life alone
Save me, save me, save me
I'm naked and I'm far from home
Remus looked at younger versions of Sirius and himself laughing and smiling in the pictures, obviously in love and completely devoted to one another. His heart still skipped a beat when Sirius smiled that special smile meant only for him. They made promises to each other that they’d never be apart, that Remus wouldn’t go through transformations alone, that they’d love each other forever. He thought about the years following the betrayal and how completely alone he was. He knew in his soul he could never love anyone the way he loved (and still loves) Sirius.
The slate will soon be clean
I'll erase the memories
To start again with somebody new
Was it all wasted
All that love?
I hang my head and I advertise
A soul for sale or rent
I have no heart I'm cold inside
I have no real intent
Remus dropped the pictures, unable to go on. He spent so much of his time telling himself he had moved on and that he didn’t still love the man who ruined everything and threw away years of friendship and love. It was exhausting to live with so many lies. He sat down hard at the kitchen table, grabbing the last of his Firewhiskey, not bothering to find a glass, and let the song continue.
Save me, save me, save me
I can't face this life alone
Save me, save me, save me
Oh I'm naked and I'm far from home
Each night I cry I still believe the lie
I love you 'till I die
Save me, save me, save me
Save me, save me, oh, save me
Don't let me face my life alone
Save me, save me, oh
I'm naked and I'm far from home
As the song finished he flicked his wand toward the record player, stopping the music before more painful memories could surface. He stood, ready to pack all the memories away and throw the box out but froze. He couldn’t do it. Hot, angry tears streamed down his face: he was furious at Sirius for doing this, at himself for being unable to move on, and at the lonely existence he was doomed to live without his friends.
A tapping at the window brought him back to the present. Setting down the box, he made his way to the window to let the unfamiliar owl inside. As he untied the letter, he instantly recognized the script from seven years of Hogwarts letters - it was from Dumbledore.
He tore open the letter, completely disregarding the owl, and read it once, twice, three times before falling onto the worn armchair. Dumbledore wanted him to teach. At Hogwarts. This upcoming term. Suddenly, losing his job wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Sure, there’s his “furry little problem” to worry about, but Dumbledore assured him that he’d have access to Wolfsbane potion and the Shack.
The biggest problem Remus could foresee was how painful it would be to step back into the castle and not have James, Lily, Peter, and Sirius by his side. The halls would be filled with memories of not only his closest friends, but other friends and classmates he lost in the war. Dorcas, Marlene, and Mary were dead. Frank and Alice were alive, but could their existence really be called living? He shook his head, as if to dispel the thoughts and emotions, and rose from his chair.
He turned, noticing the owl for the first time in 30 minutes, and realized it was likely waiting for a reply. He dug out some parchment and a quill and, with uncharacteristically little overthinking, accepted Dumbledore’s offer. If he wanted to move on, he’d have to start somewhere, and where better to rewrite his memories than the place where they happened? His friends were dead and Sirius was in Azkaban with no chance of reentering Remus’ life. Returning to Hogwarts to make new memories was the right move, he decided, and resumed packing with more determination.
Yes , he thought to himself, I will learn to live without Sirius Black .