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Describing Pangzi is easy: talkative, affectionate and large. Figuring out Pangzi’s love language was easy as well: touch. Another thing that was quite simple was describing Zhang Qiling: the exact opposite of Pangzi. Zhang Qiling was quiet, distant and small and if there was one thing he tended to avoid, it was touch. 

“Opposites attract” was something Zhang Qiling didn’t believe in until he met Pangzi. Somehow they just worked. Pangzi might be loud, but unlike many more quieter people, he never spoke over Zhang Qiling. Pangzi’s affection came without the expectations and requirements Zhang Qiling had learned usually came with love and affection. Pangzi was large, in every way, but he never made Zhang Qiling feel small, at least not in a bad way. Pangzi made him feel cared for and loved, he made him feel happy and understood but most importantly; comfortable. At least, until recently.

Something had shifted and it was awful. Zhang Qiling found himself shuddering in disgust more and more often at Pangzi’s touch. It didn’t matter if Pangzi initiated it or he did it himself. Usually it was mostly the big, long touches, like cuddling. It would be fine for a bit, and then everything would feel like his skin was burning off, especially if Pangzi would be rubbing his finger over his skin, even though he used to love that. Some days he couldn’t even stand holding hands or a quick kiss. It would make his skin crawl and he felt so incredibly awful about it. This wasn’t what it was supposed to be like! He was supposed to love Pangzi’s touch, they were in love for god’s sake. He loved Pangzi so much, he didn’t want this. 

There were still moments where he’d be able to crawl into Pangzi’s arms and stay there for hours, comfortable and happy and calm. And in those moments he could cry of happiness and relief, thinking this awful thing was finally over. But he’d soon realize it wasn’t. 

Telling Pangzi was hard, too. Words weren’t his thing, especially not when it was about feelings. How awful he felt about this whole situation made it even harder. He was terrified that if he told Pangzi the truth, this would be it. That it would mean the end of their relationship, because touch was how Pangzi loved, and he already couldn’t give him sex, he couldn’t take this away from him as well. 

One time, he managed to ask Pangzi to stop, and he instantly felt awfully guilty about it. Pangzi hadn’t made a big deal about it, he had looked a bit surprised but he had instantly stopped. Still, Zhang Qiling felt like he wanted to throw up after it. He thought about that surprised look on his face for days.

So instead of talking to him, he found himself pulling away. He found himself avoiding Pangzi, leaning away from his touch when possible. But he finally broke, when one night he was in bed with Pangzi. Usually they’d fall asleep cuddling, Zhang Qiling tucked under Pangzi’s chin safely, or just Pangzi’s arm laying over his waist. This evening, Pangzi just had his knuckles pressed against Zhang Qiling’s back as he fell asleep. Zhang Qiling could cry from frustration, he could feel the touch burn through the thick sweater he was wearing. It was as if a hot iron was being pressed against his skin. He crawled away from it, as far as he could, tears burning in his throat as he couldn’t get away from it. He wasn’t sure if Pangzi’s hand had followed him as he tried to move away from it, or if the feeling had made its home in his skin. He didn’t know how to check without waking Pangzi or making it worse. 

The fabric of the sweater rubbed against the spot and a sob left his throat, he couldn’t do this. He had to tell Pangzi somehow, he lay awake for hours, trying to think of a way to tell him. He tried to find the words, but none of them were right, at least not to say out loud. He knew there was no way he could utter them anywhere near Pangzi, not even with his back turned to him. He couldn’t think of anyone to ask for help, usually he’d go to Pangzi for any advice. Hei Xiazi wouldn’t understand and neither would Wu Xie. 

Eventually he grabbed his phone off the nightstand and asked the internet. He had to try several times before eventually finding an answer that actually helped him. 

When I have to tell someone something difficult, I usually write it down in a letter and give it to them. 

A letter, he could do that. It said that writing it down helped them organize their thoughts, and if they really couldn’t say it out loud in any way, they’d just give the letter to the person they wanted to talk to and afterwards they could calmly discuss it. So that's what Zhang Qiling did.

He tried to explain how he felt the best he could. That he loved Pangzi, and that he never told him, that he didn’t know how, because he is afraid to lose him, because he knows how much Pangzi values touch, but that sometimes touch makes him feel very uncomfortable. He started the letter over and over again, but eventually he realized it would never be perfect, and he’d never be able to fully explain the feeling. So he kept it short, they were going to talk about it anyway. 

It wasn’t until days after writing it, that he finally dared to press it into Pangzi’s hands. He mumbled something about how they could talk after he read the letter, which seemed to scare Pangzi a bit. But still, he nodded and after that Zhang Qiling ran off the courtyard and climbed into the first tree he could find.

He instantly regretted giving Pangzi the letter. He was going to get broken up with, no matter how good a man Pangzi was, he couldn’t expect him to stay with him after this. They could hopefully still be friends, although he wasn’t sure he could deal with that himself. He tried to stay calm. He crawled up high into the leafage of the tree, where it was cool, where he was hidden from the world. The cold helped ground him as he breathed heavily. He needed Pangzi to come talk to him right now, although he also didn’t want to talk about it at all. 

He kept telling himself that he was just imagining the worst case scenario, that it wouldn’t happen. It didn’t help at all, he found himself pulling at his hair in an attempt to calm down, to focus on anything else. He tightly wound the strings of his hoodie around the fingers of his other hand, maybe the faint pain of that would help. But nothing did, nothing until…

"Xiaoge, can we talk about your letter?" Pangzi asked carefully. He didn’t seem or sound too upset. He just calmly stood there under the tree, looking up at him. 

He needed a moment before he could answer and safely climb down, his limbs shaking dangerously. He took a few deep breaths and then quietly replied, “Yes, coming”, before finally jumping down. 

They sat down next to each other in the shade of the tree, Pangzi knew it was easier for Zhang Qiling to talk about his feelings when he didn't have to look at anyone. He almost felt bad about that as well, of course he’d still think about Zhang Qiling’s needs when he’d just been given such news.

"First of all, I don't want to break up with you over this," Pangzi started, "I love you the way you are and there are many other ways I can show my love for you without touching you. Touch might be my most visible love language, but it’s by far not the only one." 

Zhang Qiling visibly relaxed before quietly saying, "But I don't want you to stop, it's nice just… just…" He struggled to find his words after that, plucking at the grass below them roughly in frustration. 

Pangzi quietly waited for him to find his words. Only speaking up when he clearly couldn't find them. "Just not always? Or too long?"

"Usually it's nice for the most part," Zhang Qiling explained, "but then suddenly it feels like my skin is burning and it doesn't go away for a while after you stop. Other times it instantly makes me feel… feel… I don't know."

"Doesn't feel nice?" Pangzi asked, Zhang Qiling nodded. "That's all I need to know. And it's hard for you to tell me in those moments?" He nodded again. "Do you want me to ask you before I touch you?"

Zhang Qiling shook his head. "I don't always know."

"How about a sign? Something simple, like two taps, whenever it's too much." Pangzi patted Zhang Qiling's leg two times. "Like this. I'll know it's enough and I'll stop. Like a safeword but no words necessary."

Two careful taps on Pangzi's leg.

“Perfect,” Pangzi grinned and then held out his pinkie, “now promise me you won’t hesitate to use it.” 

Zhang Qiling scrunched up his nose as he linked their pinkies and pressed their thumbs together hard. Mischievously, he pulled Pangzi forward by their linked fingers and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek, happy to have finally resolved this. It made Pangzi chuckle in a way that always made Zhang Qiling’s chest feel warm, then Pangzi reached out to him and placed a wet kiss on his cheek in return. He instantly wiped off his cheek with his sleeve but he couldn’t help but smile as well. 

With a sigh, Pangzi leaned back against the trunk of the tree, spreading his arm as an invitation for Zhang Qiling to come lean against him, which he gladly took. Pangzi pressed a soft kiss to his head as he got comfortable. “Now we’re at it, do you have anything else we should talk about? Another boundary or request?” 

“No more sunscreen,” Zhang Qiling said and then looked up at Pangzi with a grin. Pangzi always made him and Wu Xie wear sunscreen before going out, reminding them to reapply as well several times during the day. He hated it, the smell, the feeling of the cream on his skin…

“Sunscreen is not up for discussion,” Pangzi replied and Zhang Qiling frowned instantly. 

“But it’s sticky and I don’t like the smell.”

“Well I don’t care, I prefer sunscreen grumpy Xiaoge over sunburn grumpy Xiaoge,” Pangzi replied sternly. He booped Zhang Qiling’s nose gently to prove his point, before gently smiling at him. “I’ll try to find another sunscreen that’s less sticky and doesn’t smell, deal?”

“Hm, deal.”