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“—and don’t ferget, ya gotta take care of et.” Kevin instructed the golden man, waving at the white body suit he’d recently gifted him. “Keep et clean, not just ‘cause yer a hero, but ‘cause folks’ll judge ya if’n ya go lookin’ all slovenly like…well, like a guy who sleeps under a bridge.”
Kevin saw the cape begin to don the costume, and artfully turned his own gaze away to retrieve another beer. Cheap stuff, little better than dirty water and rubbing alcohol, but it’d been free and Rancid Charlie had traded it for a wigan kebab.
If Kevin was honest, he preferred a smack barm pey wet. Et had more of a crunch .
Shrugging, he popped the top, took a sip, and wished he’d kept the kebab.
But beer was beer, so he drank it, then turned around to see—
“Ya put et on backwards, ya idjit!” Kevin twirled his finger around, looking away as the great golden doofus changed. “Like one of those Yankee Oscar statues ya are. Don’t nobody need a big golden donger flappin’ about, specially not when yer saving kids and puppies from trees.”
He’d tried giving the man clothes a few times back in ‘98, but this year it hit Kevin to actually tell the dope to take care of his things . After crumpling the can and popping another, he turned about to see someone who actually looked mildly heroic.
“Much better. Gotta mirror around here sommat…” Kevin set his brew down, dug through his trash bags under the bridge, tossing aside books and ratty clothes before finding it. “Here now, take a look at this. See that? Like a right proper hero now, you are.”
The golden man, now dressed in a white bodysuit, stared gormlessly at the mirror just like he did every other thing. Endbringers, fires, nukes, gunmen, adorable animals, even Kevin…all got the same idiotic stare. For someone so powerful, it was like the fool had a child at the controls.
The same sense of intense sadness poured off him in waves, floating silently there in defiance of gravity. It was like he was disappointed that the rest of the world couldn’t piss all over physics.
“Thinkin’ of pissing, got something here that’ll take the edge off, if ya wannet. Doesn’t solve problems, but sure as hell helps people ferget ‘em.” Kevin held out the beer, and for a brief moment it almost looked like the golden man was going to reach for it.
His eyes flicked imperceptibly towards the can, one hand starting to twitch as if he was about to take it.
Kevin shook it a little, and was suddenly reminded of the man’s incredible power.
Maybe having him flying about drunk was a bad idea?
“Nah!” He pulled the beer back, drinking the rest of it in one go. Tossed it aside with a belch, and looked up with a cheeky grin. “Over in the States, I’d shout out April Fools, on account of today being April first. Fun little holiday, folks playing jokes and tryin’ ta cheer each other up.”
That got another eye flick, although it might have just been a trick of the light.
Given he was the source of light, it was hard to say, but Kevin almost got the feeling the golden goober was glaring at him for a moment. Whatever the case, it was gone in the blink of an eye.
“Actually, come ta think of et, I got just the thing if et’s jokes yer after…” He began to rummage around in the junk he’d tossed about looking for the mirror, before rising with a holy tome clasped in one hand. “Ah ha! Here et is. Just the thing to cheer a miserable sod like you up!”
Laugh and the World Laughs With You: 101 Silly Pranks
Smirking as he saw the golden man’s interest oddly piqued, Kevin wiggled the book back and forth, then chuckled to himself. The magical muppet occasionally got locked onto the most random of things. Being a fairly lonely loser himself, Kevin saw no reason not to indulge him.
“Right then, guess instead of continuing with Old Man and the Sea , we’ll just jump over to this nonsense.” He settled down against his bridge, beer in one hand and book in the other. “Issa silly title, but it does sorta make one think, innit? After all, if the world laughs with you when ya laugh, then et stands ta reason that making the world laugh would make you laugh as well.”
Kevin began to read aloud, using silly voices and getting more and more into it as he drank the full sixer. While rummaging around for something a bit harder, Kevin noticed that what he’d taken for his great golden idiot was actually the rising sun.
He sighed, hoping the flying fool was off doing sommat important, and then decided that as long as he was lying down he might as well examine the insides of his own eyelids.
As he dozed off for a nice morning rest, Kevin idly wondered why the golden man had been so interested in the book.
“Eh, a lil’ bit a jokin’ might do ‘im some good,” he muttered, setting the book atop his face.
Dreaming of giant pies and building-sized whoopie cushions, Kevin slept.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world had a very odd April 1st…
“Are we sure this isn’t just an April Fool’s Day prank?”
Before her companion could answer, the Endbringer siren started wailing.
Again.
For the seventeenth time that day.
Challenger knew, because she’d been counting.
After nearly a minute, the Endbringer siren finally stopped again.
“Nah, pretty sure this is some dastardly villain plot, and from what I heard on the news it’s working wonders. Mass panic, riots and looting, and for a town like this that’s impressive.” The tinker’s mouth curled into a very punchable grin, before she realized that her teammate wasn’t quite as excited as she was. “Er, not that it’s something to be proud of, or anything. Nope.”
“So, explain to me again why we aren't evacuating the city?” Challenger adjusted the huge device on her shoulder, one so large that she had to depend on her teammate to warn her if she was going to walk into something.” Also, why get me to carry this instead of a truck?”
“Because here in Albuquerque, we don’t have a lot of vehicles that can carry my C-Driver. Plus, after my B-Driver melted the last one, Director Robinson said the next one would come out of my tinkering budget. So it’s over to you, my super-strong teammate, to pick up the slack.”
“Wait, is this thing going to melt me?” She started to fidget, and winced as the corner of the device bumped into a street sign hard enough to knock it over. Ignoring the property damage, Challenger turned to glare at her teammate. “What the hell, String? You said it was safe!”
“Relax, it’s not going to melt you. I fixed that hours ago. I think.” Walking beside her, one hand holding a laptop and the other typing away, String Theory looked very confident. “Besides, melting stuff was what the B -Driver did . This is the C -Driver. Completely different concept.”
“Oh, I’m very reassured. So instead of melting, something else is going to happen.” She looked askance at the tinker, reconsidering her burgeoning friendship with the woman. They’d both joined the Protectorate at the same time, and after hitting it off at the Houston training camp had decided to stick together and transfer here. “Dare I ask what happened to the A -Driver?”
“It ceased to exist. The truck vanished as well.” She turned the laptop to face Challenger, who could barely make out a childish drawing of a truck surrounded by calculations and rainbows. “My theory is that it’s driving eternally through space, via a quantum Einstein-Rosen bridge. Occasionally it probably runs into people, smashing them into other dimensions or something.”
As the tinker continued to ramble on about science stuff and analyzing the molecular dystopian donut chickens or whatever, Challenger gently tuned her out. Luckily, the Endbringer siren started up again, yet another city official trying to look good or some idiot just hitting the button.
It went on for a few minutes this time, and by the time the loud wailing faded they were nearly at their destination. String Theory, despite knowing that she was basically talking to herself, had apparently kept going the whole time. “—is how you square the circle, and find the answer.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much what I thought, too.” Challenger nodded, then glanced up and saw that something on the device was flashing. She couldn’t quite make it out, and asked, “Hey, is this thing already on? I thought you needed to be closer to actually scan the object.”
“Of course it’s on! It’s been on for a while, and don’t worry about any scanning, I have that well in hand.” String Theory did something that Challenger missed, and then added, “Anyway, this should be a cake walk. I just have to scan the object, and then if it’s dangerous we move it. Heck, even if it’s not dangerous, we have to move it. So either way, we’re perfect for this job!”
Before she could thank the tinker for the positive reinforcement, the siren started up again.
Out of the corner of her eye, Challenger saw a fleet of police cars stream by, and imagined that they were going to help with the rioting. Ever since the object appeared a few hours ago and the siren started wailing, the whole dang town had been a madhouse.
Worse, the Director had told them that no reinforcements were coming, since other towns were having similar issues. Objects, like the one here, had appeared near major intersections and people were going nuts.
Which was why Challenger had leapt at the opportunity to help with this mission. Her power was perfectly suited to carrying heavy stuff, which was exactly what they needed for moving this scanner.
String Theory may have been an annoying goblin-woman sometimes, but she was also a certified genius and claimed that her C-Driver would remove the problem forever.
Before she had time to ruminate further on the phrasing of that claim, the siren cut out yet again.
It was replaced with the sounds of cars honking, people shouting, and a chopper overhead.
She shifted the device a little, and saw that they’d finally arrived at their destination.
In the middle of Albuquerque's biggest intersection sat a huge statue.
It had appeared out of nowhere, and had everyone panicking.
Not just because it was blocking traffic, nor its mystery…
No, what had people scared was its appearance.
It was a 30-foot tall replica of an Endbringer.
Right down to the claws and eyes.
“Hey Behemoth! Pleasure to meetcha!” String Theory called out, ignoring the way Challenger winced at the casual greeting. Her hand tugged at the larger cape, directing her to set the device down next to the statue. “Perfect! Now, let me get to calibrating. Shoo, go over there.”
As the tinker set to work pressing buttons and adjusting dials, Challenger took a moment to look up at the huge statue. Even perfectly motionless and lacking any radiation, it still filled her with a sense of overwhelming dread.
Feeling chills, Challenger looked instead at her teammate and the device she'd carried across town. String Theory was like a hurricane in motion, lab coat and arms whirling madly as she slid around her device.
Ostensibly it was intended to take deep scans of the statue, as far as Challenger had inferred, but it looked more like a huge air handler with a whole lot of cables coming out of it. The little goblin-like tinker was grinning madly, muttering to herself as she played with her creation.
In a matter of minutes, a glowing circle of light had appeared around the statue, pulsing slightly.
Speaking of minutes, Challenger was puzzled to see that there was what looked like a big clock on the device. One that was counting down, and seemed to only have a few minutes left on it.
She'd heard that the tinker was more of a mad scientist than anything else, but starting a countdown at such a low number seemed odd to her. As the tinker grabbed her arm and began to drag her to a “safe distance,” Challenger asked about that.
“Oh no, that countdown started a few minutes before we left, when the Director asked me to come out here and take care of this.” String Theory was tapping away at her laptop again, a smaller window open in one corner that had the countdown timer as well. “All my projects are like that. It’s fun, like flying a plane and having to finish building the landing gear before I crash!”
“That's...not how planes are supposed to work. lt actually sounds incredibly dangerous!” Challenger frowned, quite the stickler for rules and surprised that someone who worked with such potentially deadly materials could be so blasé. “What if you ran out of time and it blew up or something? You might die! You’ve gotta take better care of yourself, String!”
“Nah, I’m good. Remember that precognitive I started dating a few weeks ago? The one that sees several years into the future?” Challenger nodded, it had been hard to forget how much the cape bragged about that power. Honestly, it sounded like a one-way ticket to getting locked up by Watchdog. “Apparently I'm still alive a decade from now, saving the world and stuff!”
“Really? I thought precogs were notoriously inaccurate, especially the further out from the present you got. Are you sure it isn’t just some ploy to get laid? Because it sounds like one.”
“Maybe, but I’ve yet to hear anything about me dying, and loads about all kinds of cool stuff I make. It’s what inspired me to build the C-Driver! Although, I guess you might be right about the getting laid part…” She paused, putting a finger to her chin and looking introspective for a moment, then shrugged, “Meh, a little stress relief is a small price to pay for inspiration.”
“Um, have they said anything about me?” Challenger blushed as the smaller cape grinned, looking her teammate up and down. “Not like that! I mean, in terms of my future, or stuff I do? I'm kind of worried that I'm just spinning my wheels here in Albuquerque…”
“Yeah, I'm just teasing you.” She patted the taller cape on the shoulder, then closed her eyes in thought. “There were a few things, actually. Let's see...you get a sandwich named after you—”
“That makes sense. After all, my grandfather's name is Earl, so it runs in the family.”
“—something about being careful with laser eye surgery in your future—”
“I found a tinker on Whitelist who can give me green eyes. Guaranteed no side-effects, either!”
“Oh! There was one really important detail. Something that completely changes the course of your life, and ensures nobody could possibly forget you exist no matter how the world changes!”
“Really?” Challenger grabbed the other woman's shoulders, leaning in excitedly. “What was it?”
“You need to make sure that in a decade or so, no matter what, you don't leave Brock—”
There was an explosion of light and sound, as the device went off.
Challenger shielded the tinker with her body, gale-force winds battering them. She could barely make out String Theory's lips moving, and felt both ears pop so hard she almost passed out.
Then it stopped, and her hearing slowly faded back in as she realized the tinker was still talking.
“—Slash destroys the world. Got it?” String Theory reached up and wiped the blood off her nose, shaking her head slightly and nearly falling over. “Wow, the C-Driver works even better than I'd hoped. Look!”
“Wait, what was that part in the middle?” She'd missed the majority of the message, stumbling a bit as she looked where the woman was pointing. “What are you…oh, what the hell? How?”
Challenger gasped as she saw the huge device had vanished, as if it had never existed.
…along with the road, leaving a huge hole in the ground.
But most important of all, the statue was gone.
“Your scanner destroyed the thing it was supposed to scan! Why are you so happy?”
“What? That wasn't the scanner, this is!” String Theory held up her laptop, wiggling it around for a moment before starting to type again. “The C-Driver didn't destroy it. My scans revealed that it was just stone, and the Director said I could move it. I mean, what do you think C stands for?”
“String, I understand about ten percent of the things you say, and that's rounding up. Tell me.”
“ Catapult , of course!” She spun the laptop around, and began to point out parts of a highly-detailed schematic that looks like it was drawn half with crayon. “It uses hypervolatile nanotachyons primed from flensed neurotypical dinosaur bones to active the neolithic—
“Uh-huh.” Challenger nodded, hoping that would be the end of it, but String kept going.
“—quantum hypercubes utilizing ultra-chromatic hyper-luminous mmmph?” Challenger finally put a hand over the woman’s mouth, and was relieved when she finally got the hint and went back to typing. Intrigued, the larger cape leaned over her shoulder to observe…a globe?
Despite all her science knowledge coming from movies, a few months with String Theory had at least taught Challenger a few things. It looked like she was running a simulation of some kind of orbital mechanics thing, probably plotting out where the statue had been catapulted .
“Wait, you shot it into space? So, where’s it going? Did you shoot it into the sun or something?”
“Looks like it didn’t reach escape velocity, so according to this …” She tapped a key, and a little Behemoth creature spun around the globe, faster and faster until two red X’s appeared on it. “99% chance it lands in the Atlantic Ocean, and 1% chance it crashes into…Ankara, Turkey. Guess I’ll tell the Director, just as soon as I finish typing up my notes. Next week at the latest.”
Challenger sighed, knowing better than to push the tinker into putting anything before her work, even food or sleep. Or basic hygiene, judging from the scent coming off of her.
Of course, when the taller cape mentioned that little detail, String Theory turned red and declared it was the smell of “Scientific Excellence.”
Choosing not to push it, Challenger rolled her eyes and the pair began to head back to HQ.
As they walked, Challenger wondered aloud just what would possess the tinker to spend so much time on a device that destroyed itself after one use. After all, it seemed like a big waste.
Smiling, String Theory replied, “Why not?”
Challenger started to explain resource management, tinker budgets, and oversight committees to her friend, but stopped as the woman burst out laughing. After the little goblin had finished cackling, she wiped her eyes and patted her friend on the arm as if she’d been joking.
“The whole reason I'm always pushing boundaries is because I want to break past the limits of what's possible. Hell, the reason I have powers is because people were always trying to keep me down and now even the sky isn't the limit! I can go beyond the possible, into the im possible!”
That literally made no sense to Challenger, but she could see how happy it made her friend…
“That... actually makes a lot of sense. Sorry, I guess I’m lucky to have a friend as smart as you.” She grinned, and it only got wider as the little tinker hugged her fiercely, before turning away to clean her glasses. Her emotions were as wild as her genius, and Challenger was happy to know her. “Of course, now that you've made it into space, where do you set your sights from here?”
“Haven't really decided yet.” String Theory frowned, looking a little lost for a moment. “I like to set some kind of target, a goal that I can strive for that's so far out of reach it seems impossible.”
“Don’t forget the part about avoiding safety meetings and skipping out on meals and sleep.”
“Meh.” She ignored the friendly jibe, crossing her arms and sighing. “Usually, the more people tell me not to do something, the more I know it's the right path. But now…I’m not sure. Everyone is telling me that I’m doing great, throwing money and support at me, and it’s…strange. Nice.”
“Well, knowing you, you’ll figure it out eventually. Maybe go bang your precog a bit, get your palms read, and let your best friend take you out for drinks. Not necessarily in that order.”
String Theory snorted, giggling as the taller cape hugged her with one arm. They continued along the road, eventually reaching HQ and pausing just outside. String Theory’s lab was in the basement, while Challenger had some reports to file upstairs.
“Look, I might not be much for science and books, but I know that tinkers are all about breaking limits.” She pointed up at the night sky, waving a hand at the twinkling overhead. “Long as you shoot for the moon, I get the feeling that you'll always be happy. I believe in you, String.”
“Shoot for the moon…” String Theory muttered, smirking…then suddenly gasping. Her eyes widened behind her glasses, a smile far too large for her tiny face filling every inch of it. “That's it! You're a genius! I gotta get back to my lab and start drawing up plans for the D-Driver!”
She nearly tackled the taller cape, leaping into the air and planting a kiss on her cheek.
“Challenger! Thanks so much!” She cackled, practically falling over as she dodged a swipe from the blushing cape. “I gotta go! That big white bastard is going down! Later!”
“Don't forget to send the data on that Turkey thing before you...and…she's gone.” Challenger sighed, shaking her head as she headed inside to fill out reports. A 99% chance of landing in the ocean was practically a sure thing, right? “Yeah, it’ll be fine.”
But as she headed home that night, she was happy to stop by String Theory’s lab and see her working away like a woman possessed. The tinker barely even noticed as a few protein bars and some water were pushed into her free hand.
The taller cape would have liked to do more, maybe hear what the tinker was working on, but she had a project of her own. Talking to her friend, as well as hearing about her love life, had inspired Challenger as well.
It was time to get back into dating, and now she knew that the world was depending on her to make it work. It would be easy, now that she knew exactly what to look for in a partner.
She no longer had to worry about skills, interests, appearances, or anything else. Instead, she had ten years in which to find someone with a particular name.
She had to find someone named Brock, and stick with them no matter what came their way.
Otherwise, the lead guitarist of Guns & Roses would apparently destroy the world.
It made no sense, but then again neither did String Theory at the best of times.
But for all her oddities and foibles, she was a damned good friend.
Together, they were going to make a pair of amazing heroes.
Making tech, kicking butt, and stopping crime!
“What do you mean, what’s the crime?” Pete was certain Sheriff Johnson was playing a prank on him. It was April first, and while the owner of Pete’s Pets was normally a fairly easy-going guy, this was serious. “Look around you! The pets are all gone! Just vanished into thin air!”
“Well, I’ve already called Animal Control, but while we wait for them I’m going to need more information.” Johnson took out his pen and pad, gnarled fingers smoothly recording a few details he’d observed on the way in, eyes looking at Pete oddly as he spoke. “Now, before we get started, are you certain this isn’t just a prank that got out of hand? Because if it was—”
Pete cut the old man off with a wave of one hand, frowning for the first time in days. “No. This is not a joke. There are dozens of cats, dogs, lizards, and birds, as well as sixteen hamsters and a chinchilla, all of whom have gone missing. I care deeply about animals, Sheriff, and I’m insulted that you think I’d ever do something like this as some sort of…silly joke!”
“Okay, okay. I’m sorry, Pete.” Johnson put a warm hand on the man’s shoulder as he tried to get himself under control. In turn, Pete blushed, muttering apologies under his breath. “As a proud law enforcement officer in the State of Maine, I just have to make certain that I think before I act. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and apologize for besmirching your character, Petey.”
“It’s fine. I’m just kinda panicked. I work alone here, and the fact that my entire stock of pets vanished while I was in the bathroom has me more than a bit freaked out.” Pete twisted his shirt in his hands, the words I’m Paw-sitively Happy to Meet You warping as much as his sense of calm had in the fifteen minutes he’d spent running around the shop while Johnson drove over.
“Well, I’ll try to make this quick, then.” Johnson picked up his pen and pad again, smiling gently at the pet shop owner. “Now, tell me what you remember, even the tiniest detail could help.”
Pete sighed, and tried to search his memory for anything that might have stood out. Nothing really came to mind, though he made certain to share everything that had happened. “—and the two of them were chatting about puppies, but I could tell it was a no. So I went to the bathroom, and heard the door chime as they left. When I came back, everything was like this!”
Pete waved a hand around, and Johnson checked one last time to make sure he hadn’t missed anything. Nope, still a bunch of empty cages, and with that he put the pen and pad away. Sheriff Johnson stepped away for a moment, bringing his radio to his mouth, talking to someone.
It was only as he waited that Pete noticed something odd, two things in fact. First was a pink backpack, same as the one that had belonged to the little girl who’d been begging her mother for a dog when he’d gone to the bathroom. She must have left it here…
But the far stranger thing only became apparent as the AC unit cycled down, and another noise was suddenly far more audible. The distant sound of animals, almost as if they were in the vents…except that he’d already checked and they weren’t.
Before he could talk to the Sheriff about this, Pete was being tugged outside by the elderly man, who’d finished his call only moments earlier. He was led down the street, the animal noises getting louder as they walked, until…
“What the hell?” Pete would have fallen if Johnson hadn’t been ready and caught him. He thrust a finger at one of the trees in the small park just down the street from his pet store. “How?”
Oddly, the least strange sight in the park was the mattresses being laid down around several trees, men in Animal Control and police uniforms scooching them into place.
“Yep, saw it on my way over, and at first I thought it was some kinda promotional stunt on your part.” Johnson squeezed Pete’s shoulder. “But I know better than that.”
All his pets, from the biggest dog to the tiniest hamster, had somehow been relocated up into one of the many trees around the park.
Over there was a Cedar full of cats, right next to a Katsuri full of kittens.
Next he saw a Pine full of puppies…several conifers of canines.
They were barking at a Birch covered in beautiful birds.
There was also a Sycamore full of snakes.
Was that a Larch loaded with lizards?
“Pete? You okay pal?” Sheriff Johnson patted him on the back, seeing the glazed look in the man’s eyes. He shook it off, trying to get his mind off attempts at clever alliteration and back on the matter at hand. The fact that he knew jack-all about trees made him glad he’d kept all that to himself. “Look, I already called the PRT, and they’ll be here soon so we can get them down.”
“Why can't we just carry them down? We have ladders and people. I mean, I appreciate the mattresses, but it seems like it would be safer to just take care of this now.”
“Because that would be common sense, and capes defy that all the time.” The old man shared a sad smile, and recited the idiocy he'd been given the last time something cape-related happened in his little town. “Any issue involving capes falls under the umbrella of the PRT. No matter how minor it may seem, if a cape did it, stand back and wait for the PRT. No exceptions.”
Now that he looked more closely, Pete could see that there was a strange yellowish glow around the trees, and figured that must have been why they were all so calm. Rather than leaping about or making a lot of noise, most of them were calmly waiting for rescue.
Trying to draw upon their patience, Pete attempted to do the same, but it was difficult with his little friends in danger. Unfortunately, both Animal Control and the Fire Department refused to make a move until the PRT arrived, and that led to a further issue…
Their tiny town didn't even have a satellite office with a PRT Liaison, so it was going to be at least a few hours before anyone came to bless recovery efforts. While they waited, news began to pour in from all over the country from other towns.
Big and small, populated and ghostly, cities all over the world were seeing similar crimes. Animals stuck in trees by a mysterious glowing power, security cameras and eyewitnesses confused as to who or what was causing it.
Some larger towns were even rioting, villains taking advantage of the confusion to commit crimes of their own. But in their tiny town the biggest upset was when a haggard-looking woman approached Pete.
“Excuse me.” She looked tired, as if she'd been running all over town, and now sounded more than a bit panicked as she asked, “Have you seen my daughter Rachel? She was just here!”
“I’m up here, Mom!” A voice shouted, and every head turned up to see a little girl waving at them excitedly. She was surrounded by glowing puppies. “It’s so cool!”
“Rachel!” Ms. Lindt shouted, nearly fainting as she found her missing daughter and was held back from rescuing her. “Let go of me! Someone call a cape!”
“Mommy, it’s okay! A hero put me up here, I think he wanted me to protect these puppies.” Rachel explained matter-of-factly. “He was golden!”
As Johnson explained the situation to the worried woman, Pete considered the happy little girl. She really was lucky, in a way.
In a tree full of dogs, mattresses below and adults around her, she was probably the safest kid in the whole town.
Pete was actually pretty jealous, as she giggled and played with the puppies, wishing he could join her.
Besides, it wasn’t like there were any dangerous effects from spending the day in a tree with dogs.
If anything, she'd come out of this with a stronger appreciation for dogs and animals!
On the other hand, he was a pet shop owner, not a child psychologist…
All he knew for sure was that Rachel was living the dream.
Kevin snorted as something hit him in the head, waking him from a very saucy dream about a crime-solving dog in a trenchcoat and absolutely nothing else. Blinking blearily, he spotted little things glinting in the grass around his bridge just before another coin bounced off his noggin.
“Oy! Get outta here, ya dang plonkers!” He shouted at the laughing children who'd robbed a nearby coin fountain just to huck their stolen lucre at the homeless man by the bridge. It was how they'd circumvented recent laws protecting the homeless, playing off their harassment as long-distance donations . “Whatsa matter with you? Just toss et in my hat like anyone else!”
“Yer hat's on yer head, ya scummy dork!” One of the children shouted back, and chucked a handful of farthings that narrowly missed Kevin. “Now shaddup and accept our fookin’ charity!”
He threw a beer can at them, or rather gave them a container in which to hold their change . Kevin’s aim was far better than theirs, and the scamps ran off to bug someone else.
Grumbling, Kevin began to collect the coinage, annoyed at the kids but happy to see he had a pretty good amount of dosh. Deciding that he needed a headache medicine stronger than that weak swill from earlier, Kevin began to get dressed in something a bit more suitable to a rather nice bar he’d patronized from time to time.
A glow from behind him broke that particular train of thought, and Kevin whirled about to see that his erstwhile companion had returned from whatever he'd been doing all day. The sun setting behind him made the floating man appear more heavenly than ever...
But for the first time since Kevin had met him, he had a different set of emotions flooding off of him than normal. Of course, there was still that overwhelming sense of sadness, that was as natural to him as a dog being wet in a rainstorm.
Except now there was a certain sense of self-satisfaction, a smugness that twisted in the air between the two of them. Almost as if he felt proud, despite lacking any kind of outward expression to... well, to express it.
“Had a good day didja?” Kevin frowned, wishing not for the first time that his conversations with the glowing man weren't so maddeningly one-sided. “Don't suppose you'd care to share some wisdom with me?”
There was an almost imperceptible jerk, as the golden man seemed to nod, eyes focused on Kevin. He lowered to the ground, sliding forwards as if the grass was oiled or he was on skates.
Unable to move a muscle, bereft of words, Kevin stared open-mouthed.
The golden man lifted a finger, chest inflating slightly...
He opened his mouth, and said...
…in a voice so very quiet...
...practically inaudible...
…one word.
“Nah.”
Kevin blinked, and in that split second of time the golden man was suddenly floating again, a dozen feet away. It was as if the homeless man had just imagined it all, but there was the tiniest smirk on the cape's face now. lt was gone in an instant, but Kevin felt something shift in him.
He burst out laughing, slapping a knee as the prank (whether real or imagined, he’d never know for certain), finally landed for him. Not because it was particularly funny, but because it was a joke shared between them, even as one-sided as it may have been.
He’d always liked to think of the golden man as something of an acquaintance, perhaps even a friend. So having a pal play a prank on him was actually kind of uplifting…
“Had me really goin' there! Was thinkin’ you were gonna lay down some sage wisdom or summat. Well played!” Kevin wiped a tear, leaning back against the bridge. “So, now that you’ve had yer fun, lemme tell ya about this dream I just had. Warning, gets a bit R-rated at the end.”
As always, the cape neither responded nor judged him for his tastes and interests, which put him head and shoulders above the other friends Kevin had. As usual, he left when Kevin was looking away, which meant it was finally time for a well-deserved drink.
Talking to the golden goober had cheered Kevin up considerably, reminding him that everyone was capable of change and growth. He was even prepared to order something based more in flavor than just getting drunk as fast as possible…
Or at least, he would have if the bartenders and other patrons hadn’t been staring and whispering about something on the telly. Sighing, Kevin stood up and worked the tap himself, then took a sip.
Truly, a heavenly blend, tasting like springtime and oak rather than urine and charcoal like Kevin was used to. Grinning, he got up to see just what had grabbed everyone’s attention so mightily.
He wasn't much of a sports fan, but figured it couldn't hurt to see what had everyone so enraptured. Surprisingly, it wasn’t just one thing, and the bartender was channel-surfing.
But what all the news stations were covering made Kevin realize just how dire things were.
He stared, as it all crashed down on him at once…
“—hundreds of towns reporting animals and children in trees, held in place by glowing golden—”
“—pilot claims he saw a golden man mooning him, and nearly crashed into another plane—”
“—Endbringer statues showing up next to every PRT Department, causing mass panic as—”
“—estimated trillions of dollars in damages from the riots caused by false Endbringer siren—”
“—all their clothing vanished in a wave of energy, resulting in war being declared by CUI—”
Kevin barely even noticed as his beer relocated itself to his shoes, followed soon after by the mug itself. Nobody even looked up as it shattered on the ground, nor did they care as Kevin's heart did the same.
He stumbled out of the pub, barely able to keep his feet despite being only a half pint into his cups. All of that destruction and chaos, because of him and his connection to that one cape…
He stared silently in the direction of his bridge, then did an about face and began to walk the other way. He walked for days, traveling as far away as possible.
Kevin blamed himself, but the worst part was that nobody would believe him. He had no way to prove he’d caused all that, and only knew he had to get away.
But as he finally ran out of energy, collapsing into some trash in an alley, he found just enough energy to regard someone else having a worse week.
An old dog, dead very recently, with a little bundle of fur pressed up against it. Kevin said a prayer for the poor mutt, and its dead pup—
The bundle uncurled, blinked up at Kevin, and then barked adorably at him. It stared up at him, child-like wonder in its eyes.
“Go ‘way, doggie. Ya don’t want none of this.” Kevin choked, covering his eyes as he cried. “I’m no good ta anyone.”
He tried to convince the little yellowish pup to go away, telling it all about his failures and regrets.
It failed to understand what a mess he was, instead climbing him to lick away his tears.
But maybe this was for the best. He’d work his way back up, starting at the bottom.
This little fella had no tags, no owner, and it was actually talking back to him.
Way better than the last gold-colored being he’d ended up in charge of.
“Okay, but we’re gonna have rules, if this is gonna work. Got et?”
The puppy barked, wiggling as Kevin lifted it… him up.
He laughed, as the little tongue tickled his cheeks.
Kevin stood, noting he was on Duke Street.
“C’mon Duke, let’s go find a bite to eat.”
Duke happily wagged his tiny tail…
…and Kevin started over.
A new day dawned.