Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Hyunjin heard nothing.

There was only silence. There was no snap. There was no break. He didn’t even hear the alarm of the referee sounding off. He had no memory of the sound of the audience’s horrified screams. Nor the shouts of his coach and teammates coming to his aid. He didn’t know he had hit the ground until blurry faces surrounded him.

And then, there was only void and blackness after that.

In that single moment of silence, Hyunjin’s Quidditch career came to an end. In that single moment, his dreams---25 years in the making---suddenly turned into ashes.

Of course, he didn’t know it yet. But he would once he woke up in the hospital. The healers would let him know that the break was irreparable this time. This wasn’t his first injury after all. He had fallen from the broom once before. It could be fixed that time, but this time, there was no fixing it.

Magic can only do so much. The human body was still very much human.

The healers would say that he was lucky. He would still be able to walk after months of magic and therapy. He would still be able to play Quidditch even. Just not competitive Quidditch. He simply couldn’t put himself through that kind of risk again. If he did, the consequences would be dire.

All of this fell on deaf ears. Hyunjin could hear it all of course. He just wasn’t listening very well. He was still stuck in that single moment. The moment when everything fell apart. Every word from the healers was a kind of stab that hurt worse than the one before that.

Healers, you say? How could you call them that when they killed him with every word?

For days, he just stayed there lying on the hospital bed. Was it days? He couldn’t really tell. It could’ve been weeks. It could’ve been months even. People came and went. Day and night just passed like that for him. All sense of time was lost. All sense of feeling too.

He could very well have been sent home to recuperate, but the healers refused to discharge him. At the back of his mind, he knew that the reason wasn’t just because of his injuries. It was because of his mental and emotional state too. He was clearly not in the best condition to be left alone. The healers were too afraid of what he could do to himself once he left.

Hyunjin didn’t really mind being kept there. What was the point? At 25, his life was going nowhere after this. He wouldn’t be able to go back to the team. Back then, he imagined playing well until he was 40. But now, those dreams were nothing but imaginary. He was never playing professional Quidditch ever again.

What was the point really?

If there was a point to any of this, he couldn’t see it. He could only see the white hospital wall. The white cast. The white bandages. The white sheets. All white. A sheer absence of color. Everything was white save for the vase of fresh flowers on his bedside table. He woke up to a new stem every morning and the vase grew fuller with each passing day. It was the only sign of life and change in this room.

Despite it all, the white was overwhelming.

The white and this persistent stillness was an all-too familiar color. He had been in this place before.

When was it?

No, it wasn’t during his injury in his sixth year. That color was black. All his days in Yellow Wood’s infirmary, all he saw was darkness. That seemed so long ago. Back then, he was angry. He was sad. He was resentful. He held all the disappointment and angst that a teenager would. Now, he didn’t even feel any of that.

Now, he just felt nothing.

Maybe because he believed that he himself was nothing.

This color now was white. A lack of color. A lack of feeling. A nothingness.

A pain so great he was numb from it.

He had felt that once before.

Hyunjin searched his memories for the same shade of white. The same numbness. This was one of the few mental activities he had engaged in since he’d been here: looking for things that had hurt him even more than this injury.

He didn’t have to search too long. How could he forget?

There it is. It was that day.

The last day.

---------

3 years ago

Hyunjin remembered that day very clearly. It was a cold day, right at the end of autumn.

Nothing could have prepared him for how truly cold that day was going to be.

Hyunjin woke up that morning without any clue at all that that day was going to be the last day.

The last day that he could think of the person he loved without pain in his heart. The last day that he could think of that person without breaking. The last day that he could say that person’s name without bitterness and spite. The last day that he could feel. Without hurting. Without dying inside.

In fact, he was quite happy that day. He was excited. Seungmin asked for a video call. That was quite rare these days with how busy they both were. With everything going on at work, the two could barely get a message in.

Admittedly, Hyunjin hasn’t been home a lot in the past few months. Being part of the national Quidditch team meant being in another part of the world every week for meets and games. These days, Quidditch took up all of his time and his thoughts. Every single day was training and playing. Most nights were collapsing on the bed from fatigue and sore muscles. Other nights were for partying. The days after were waking up late in the afternoon from a bad hangover. The Quidditch teams were fantastic at Quidditch but they were also brilliant at parties. They went all out every day on training and went all out every weekend having fun. He met a new group of people at every party. The social butterfly that he was, that was no chore at all. He had no trouble remembering all the new faces and all the new names. He was happy to make new friends every week. That was how life turned out to be for him. Albeit hectic on most days, it was crazy and fun too. He could even say that he was at the peak of his life.

Life and work were amazing.

And most of all, things with Seungmin were as great as they had always been.

Sure, they didn’t see each other as much as they did before, but he could rest his heart knowing that he would always be by his side.

That was what he thought.

He was an overconfident fool.

Hyunjin was expectant as the clock slowly ticked to the time he and Seungmin had agreed upon. It was quite late in the night now. Seungmin was working in the Ministry of Magic and that usually meant that he didn’t get home until very late. When he did, Hyunjin would already be sleeping. Most of the time, their time zones and schedules didn’t align. Seungmin would also be too tired to talk, collapsing on his own bed. He had to wake up early the next day after all. They tried to steal a few minutes with each other during weekdays, but that was too hard. Now, they only ever spoke on weekends. This was the reason why Hyunjin was surprised when Seungmin asked to call tonight. It was the middle of the week. It sounded urgent. Maybe Seungmin had some good news to share.

Pretty soon, Seungmin’s name lit up in green on Hyunjin’s screen. He was finally online.

Hyunjin’s phone rang.

“Hello,” Hyunjin greeted cheerfully. Seungmin’s face lit up Hyunjin’s phone and that face still lit up his heart each time as if it were the first time. Neither time nor absence could change that.

“I miss you,” Hyunjin said, holding the phone close to his face. There were so many nights when he wished to hold this person close to him this way, but couldn’t.

“I miss you too,” Seungmin said. Based on his background, he was in the kitchen. It seemed that he had just gotten home from work.

“What did you do today?” He asked.

“It was too cold to play today, so I spent most of my time cleaning my equipment. I also had a meal with my teammates,” Hyunjin answered. He then went on to describe the foreign dishes that they had eaten. They were in London that day.

“What about you? What did you do?”

Seungmin smiled weakly, “It was quite a long day for me. We had to finish a lot of documents today.”

Hyunjin couldn’t inquire into exactly what Seungmin did for the Ministry of Magic, since a good bulk of it was confidential.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Seungmin shook his head still with the same pursed smile.

“No, it’s okay. There’s too much effort in parsing through what I can and can’t say.”

“All right, all right,” Hyunjin relented. He was going to ask him about something else, but Seungmin beat him to it.

“How ‘bout yesterday? What did you do?” He asked, still in the same tone as before.

Hyunjin’s face brightened.

“Yesterday was a really good day. We had friendly practice matches all morning, then we ate good food in the afternoon. The players from the other team also treated us to dinner,” he answered enthusiastically. He rambled on about each player and the interesting things they shared about their own experiences at school and training.

“Oh, is that so? That’s really good to hear,” Seungmin answered. When he did, Hyunjin couldn’t help but feel that something was off. He just couldn’t put his finger on it. Seungmin was smiling still, but the smile didn’t quite touch his eyes.

“Seungmin, is there something wrong?” Hyunjin reluctantly asked. “What was it that you wanted to talk about tonight?”

Seungmin reluctantly dropped the smile that he had been forcing this whole time.

“Would you like to know what I did yesterday, Hyunjin?” Seungmin asked casually.

“Was there anything that happened at work?” Hyunjin answered, just as casually.

He gazed at the date on his phone. It was the 23rd today. September 23rd. That meant that it was September 22nd yesterday.

Shit

Hyunjin was apologetic right away, “I’m really sorry. It just slipped my mind. So many things were happening. I was just really caught up---”

Caught up? He had just revealed a moment ago that he was off lounging around with his teammates.

“I know you were caught up. I hear that a lot. It’s okay,” Seungmin said in a flat tone.

Hyunjin felt really guilty, “I’m really sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.”

“It’s okay, Hyunjin. I’m not mad.”

“I’ll make it up to you a billion-fold. I promise. I promise.”

Seungmin smiled in the same strained manner, as if the corners of his lips were too heavy to pull up to make that expression.

“There’s no need for that, Hyunjin.”

Seungmin was holding something back. Hyunjin could tell even through the screen. They’d been together long enough for him to be familiar with his different kinds of quiet. He had a foreboding feeling about this one.

He took a moment before he asked, “What is it?”

Seungmin looked at him, his expression unreadable. He completely abandoned any trace of a smile.

“Hyunjin, do you think this is still working?”

Hyunjin took a quivering breath before he answered.

“What do you mean?”

He already knew what he meant, of course. He just couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“I mean us.”

“I know that, but why are you even asking that question? Was it because of yesterday? I promise I will make up for it.”

Still in denial.

“It wasn’t because of yesterday. I’m not even mad about yesterday. It was a small thing,” Seungmin explained.

“Then why?” Hyunjin asked, the desperation creeping in his tone.

“Hyunjin,” Seungmin’s voice shook as he said his name.

Hyunjin didn’t want to hear the words that followed but he had to.

“There are far too many small things already.”

With just those words, Hyunjin went through the first three stages of grief. Over and over again. Seungmin didn’t even say the words explicitly, but he already knew. He knew it in his soul that this was headed for love’s demise.

“Seungmin, I’m trying my best.”

Denial. Was he really? When was the last time that he did? He couldn’t even remember his boyfriend’s birthday. He had been missing most of his calls and messages. Why? Because he was busy. Because he was tired. Because he was out drinking and partying with his teammates.

“But you were the one who told me to take this offer in the first place.”

Anger. Now, he was even blaming Seungmin for this. Wasn’t it true though? Seungmin was the one who encouraged him to take the opportunity. Now he was complaining about the distance and the lack of time?

“I’m going to do everything, Seungmin. Please.”

Bargaining. Was he really capable of changing anything? Could he make more time? He didn’t know it, but he was willing to do everything to save this relationship.

“Hyunjin, we’ll be trapped in the same cycle. It won’t end well either way. We’ll head right back to this conversation,” Seungmin said, a sense of finality in his tone. It seemed like he had already made up his mind before this call. Maybe yesterday had been the final nail on the coffin.

“Do you not have any trust in this relationship? After everything we’ve been through?”

Anger again.

“You know I trust you with my whole heart.”

“Then why? Tell me what I need to do.”

Bargaining once more.

“There’s nothing to do. This is just for the best with where we both are in our lives right now. This relationship can’t grow like this. We can’t grow like this,” Seungmin said, a tinge of desperation in his voice. It was the sort of desperation that screamed, ‘please let me go.’

“I can’t believe you. You promised me. You promised that the distance was nothing,” Hyunjin said, raising his voice now.

“I know. I’m sorry. But---”

“But what?” Hyunjin snapped back.

Seungmin hesitated. Hyunjin glared at him, waiting.

When he finally spoke, every syllable scarred Hyunjin’s breaking heart.

“Maybe we just don’t love each other as much as we did before. Maybe it was only real at the beginning.”

Hyunjin continued to glare at him.

“Do you really mean that?”

He fought to keep his tone angry. He was. He felt betrayed. But more than that, he felt like breaking. The tears were starting to make themselves known at the corners of Hyunjin’s eyes.

Meanwhile, Seungmin was still expressionless. Through the screen, there were no tears. There was no hint of sadness.

“Seungmin, it’s still very, very real for me,” Hyunjin said, the anger on his face slowly dissipating as the tears finally rolled down his cheeks.

Seungmin took in the sight. His own mask was finally falling. He was near tears but he held it in.

“Is it?” Seungmin said, a slight tremor in his voice. “It doesn’t feel that way anymore for me.”

He said the words, but didn’t completely mean them.

“You’re lying.”

Seungmin shook his head, blinking the tears away.

He took a moment before speaking.

“I’m more in pain than in love, Hyunjin. I love you. But I feel empty because I can’t hold you. You feel so far away.”

That, he meant completely.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Even if I did, would things have changed?” Seungmin asked, despite knowing the answer already. “I would never ask you to change the way you live for me.”

Hyunjin felt the way he would in the final moments of a match when they were up against a force that was far too strong.

There was nothing else he could do.

He gave Seungmin one last look — hurting, holding on, hoping this wasn’t real.

But it was. He turned off his phone, effectively ending the call. There was no point in holding the line. There was nothing else to say.

Just like that, what they had built together for 4 years ended in less than 5 minutes.

But Hyunjin didn’t know that yet. He refused to believe it. It couldn’t be over just like that. They had been through so much. Not once, not once did they ever think about ending this. Neither of them ever imagined the end.

Seungmin was going to call him again. He had to. He wanted him to. If he couldn’t call him, he was going to message. He was. Hyunjin truly believed that he would.

But Seungmin didn’t.

Hyunjin waited a day. 3 days. A week. 2 weeks. A month.

Nothing.

Silence.

At first he saw black. He hated everyone. He hated the thought of Seungmin. He hated himself most of all. He despised everything. He didn’t even speak to Jisung or Minho. He barely smiled. He no longer laughed. He spent days throwing his whole self into training; a welcome distraction, bordering obsession. He partied even harder; drank even more. It was the only thing that kept him from being overwhelmed by the pain.

As soon as he got home and the door closed behind him, he lost it. He spent nights sleepless, the sobs and the pain ripping through his chest. He cursed that person’s name. He couldn’t even say his name. Training, trying, and tearing himself up; he lived a cycle of living and dying every single day. The blackness felt infinite.

He didn’t know when it happened. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed. But at some point, the black dissipated into white. He stopped crying. But that wasn’t to say that he wasn’t dying inside. There were simply no tears left to cry. There was no pain left to feel. There was no hurting and clutching his chest in the middle of the night. There was no longing. He stretched himself out so much, he became numb. He learned to live with the numbness, until the numbness became normal.

If he was still hurting, he couldn’t tell. There was nothing. There was just nothing left.

---------

And that was exactly how he felt now. There was nothing left. There was nothing left of him.

Hyunjin truly felt like fate was playing with him. He lost the person that he loved the most for his dream. And that dream was no longer.

He believed that he had overcome this numbness long before. He got caught up in the exhilaration of it all. He believed that he had found happiness again.

But he was quickly finding out that he had been wrong.

The pain had never really gone away. He had buried it under the adrenaline of chasing the snitch, of chasing another soul, of chasing anything that could be chased. He buried it under the satisfaction of successfully catching them all in the end. Sometimes without even trying. Now though, he didn’t even feel the desire to stand up or walk, much less, chase something. He felt like he was at the end of the line. He felt like the inexplicable emptiness had finally caught up to him, like it had been trying so hard to do in the past few years.

Well, here he was. It could take what it could get, but there was nothing left.

Chapter Text

Home.

After years of planning to come home and failing to, Hyunjin was finally forced to do just that.

Flying, apparating, and floo powder were out of the question given his condition. His family had no choice but to transport him from the hospital to their home in the very traditional and very muggle-like way. That is, by car.

At the beginning, his parents sought to make small talk. But 5 minutes into the ride, they quickly realized that they weren’t going to get more than a word from Hyunjin. He looked out the window, watching the people and the places that they passed by. His gaze was empty, but it was easier than speaking empty words, so he just settled with that.

It had been a while since Hyunjin saw these streets. He really hadn’t been home in quite a long time. He found that many landmarks had changed and he was no longer familiar with many aspects of this so-called home. Home for him had been traveling and flying and transferring from one hotel to another. Not having a constant place where he could stay had been his constant in the years that had gone by.

Before long, they arrived at the driveway of the Hwang residence. He looked up at the facade that he knew so well. At least, he thought he did. It certainly looked like home as he remembered it, but right now, it didn’t feel much like it. Since he hadn’t been here in so long, he had turned into a stranger to this place. It was as if he was just visiting the house of someone called Hwang Hyunjin.

They entered the house and he immediately hauled himself up to his room in silence. His parents understood that he must want to be alone, so they let him go without another word. He could walk without any support now, but there were still complex enchantments for his injuries. The healer had to make weekly house calls to adjust the magic to the progress of his healing. Hyunjin had been given the go-signal to walk, but nothing else for now, not even light exercise. That was not a concern for him really. He didn’t feel like doing much of anything in this state.

As Hyunjin entered his bedroom, he was once more overwhelmed with the feeling of intruding into someone else’s space. Still, it was better than the hospital room that he had been stuck in for months.

The last time that Hyunjin had been here, he had been fresh from graduation. This room was owned by that version of Hyunjin. All of the things here were not his, but that person from the past.

That person no longer existed.

He scanned the room, suddenly overwhelmed by a flood of memories. It was as if he had traveled to a starkly different juncture in time. On his bed posts were scarves in different shades of red and burgundy. On his bedside table was a golden snitch engraved with his name. Beside it was a framed photo of him, taken from the greenhouse of Yellow Wood. He hadn’t seen it in a while, but he immediately discovered that it was too painful to watch the ghost of himself smiling like that. He flipped it over so that it was facing down.

If only he could turn back time, he could go back to when things were easier and when he was happier. When he could be reckless and fearless. When he could run and fly without a care in the world. When he had someone to hold and to love. When he barely knew the meaning of alone and loneliness and helplessness.

Right now, those were the only words he knew.

He laid down on his bed. He wasn’t really sleepy but he willed himself to fall asleep. His dreams didn’t offer much consolation either, but he still preferred them to reality. He drifted into unconsciousness, wishing that he would dream of the life that he had once lived just so he could feel what it was like again.

--------------

Hyunjin was roused awake by the sound of his mother’s voice by the door.

“Hyunjin, you have a visitor.”

He blinked his eyes open and his first waking thought was a name that he had struggled very hard to erase from his mind.

Seungmin

“Hyunjin, it’s been a long time.”

Hyunjin turned his face towards the sound of the voice, not sure if it would make or break his heart.

It was a familiar face that he hadn’t seen in a while.

“Can you at least pretend that you’re happy to see me?” Minho remarked, the signature smirk on his face.

Minho was Hyunjin’s closest friend, but why did he feel so distant from him now? He was once again struck with the feeling of having to play a role. The role of Hyunjin, the person that Minho had somehow forged a friendship with back then. In all honesty, there wasn’t any sort of sentiment in Hyunjin’s heart right now. It’s not that he didn’t want to see him, it’s just that he felt nothing at the sight of him. He just wasn’t moved by anything. There were no ebbs and flows. But unlike still waters, he really was more like a bottomless pit.

“What brought you here? Aren’t you busy with the coffee shop?” Hyunjin asked, trying to inject a little enthusiasm in his tone. It was unconvincing.

“Jisung can take care of it,” Minho replied, pulling a chair beside Hyunjin’s bed.

Minho and Jisung were still very much together. Even when Minho graduated a year ahead of them in Yellow Wood, there was nothing that could dampen their relationship. He visited the island as often as he could, so his absence wasn’t really felt. When Jisung graduated, the two decided to set-up their own business, also on the island. Now, their coffee shop was a go-to place for Yellow Wood students during weekends. It helped that it was being run by the school’s two popular alumni; one being an ex-Quidditch Captain, while the other, an ex-Head Boy.

“How are you?” Minho asked, giving Hyunjin a small smile.

Hyunjin returned the smile, but didn’t answer.

Minho came alone. Hyunjin wasn’t surprised about that. Though his relationship with Minho had been unaffected by how distant he had been these past few years, his friendship with Jisung was different.

Jisung and Hyunjin’s relationship had been rocky for most of their time in Yellow Wood. But in their penultimate and final years, they had formed a genuine friendship with each other. Quidditch, which had been the root of their rivalry, was also the thing that made them even closer. Despite being from different houses, they trained and played together. While Jisung wanted to be the best captain, Hyunjin wanted to be the best Seeker. The House of Night may have won the championship that year, but the line-up for the House of Stars was also recognized for their solid synergy and teamwork. Jisung was awarded as Best Captain the year they graduated. They made their marks in their own right and one of the biggest reasons why that was so was because they supported each other along the way, the rivalry between their teams notwithstanding.

They had been thick as thieves until the year he left for the Quidditch team. Hyunjin had been too caught up in everything to notice, but their friendship slowly but surely deteriorated while he was away. That was likely his fault, since he never made the effort to reach out. When he and Seungmin broke up, that cemented the fact that his friendship with Jisung was a thing of the past.

That time, he didn’t just lose Seungmin. He lost Jisung too.

Likely realizing that this was going to be a one-way dialogue, Minho started making mindless small talk. Minho was usually the silent type, but he became talkative and animated when he wanted to. Hyunjin was able to survive the conversation by just nodding and laughing along with him.

Minho spoke to him about their days at the coffee shop. Of regular customers. Of customers that irritated them. Of students they caught dating. Of students they caught cheating. Of Yellow Wood professors who had secret relationships. Of ways to make the best tasting coffee. Of their favorite menu items. Of their best sellers. Of little blunders. Of big blunders. Of slow days and busy days. These were small, day-to-day aspects of their life, but Hyunjin realized that he liked listening to these stories. It was a breath of fresh air from all the feelings and thoughts that had been suffocating him recently.

For the first time since the accident, the hands on the clock seemed to tick just a little faster. For the first time, the seconds didn’t feel like a dragging eternity to Hyunjin. Was this how it felt like to live? Was this how it felt like not to be alone? Those feelings had become unfamiliar.

Before long, the sun had receded from the sky and the view outside became dark. Minho ended up staying with Hyunjin the whole afternoon. Before long, it was time for him to go.

“Actually, I did come here to give you something,” Minho said as he got up from his seat. At the same time, he reached into his pocket and brought out a letter. This seemed to be his original intent for visiting today.

“This is from your old Quidditch professor,” Minho remarked as he handed Hyunjin the letter.

Hyunjin took it from him with reluctance, not knowing what to say.

“What is this?” Hyunjin asked. All kinds of scenarios popped up in his mind. Did something happen?

“I’m not sure what’s inside the letter, but he did mention that he was retiring soon. It could be related to that,” Minho said.

Hyunjin gave him a curious glance.

“You’ll find out for yourself anyway.”

Once Minho finally bade him goodbye, Hyunjin fell right back into the state that they had found him in. He was thankful for his presence, but quickly realized what his absence would once more bring.

Just as he expected, time reverted back to its slow and seemingly unmoving pace once he was alone. He sought to forget the existence of the letter that was now on his bedside table. Right now, he could not yet muster the will to open it. He was not yet ready to consider what the future could be, all too caught up in the weight of the past and the worries of the present. He’ll read it only when he’s ready.

As he reveled in this pit of silence and somber, he somehow fell asleep again. But unlike the empty slumber that he had earlier in the day, he started having a very vivid dream.

For some reason, he knew that he was dreaming. When he saw the familiar face that he had not seen in a very long time, he knew right away that it couldn’t be real. And when he heard the laugh that he had not heard in a while, he was sure that this was nothing but a fantasy. The remnants of this dream ignited in him memories that he thought he had long forgotten and feelings that he had long buried. All sorts of questions danced around in the confines of his mind.

How are you?

Where are you?

What are you doing now?

Are you well?

Are you happy?

The Hyunjin in his dream tried to speak and to call out to this person, but for some reason, no words came out of his mouth. He couldn’t form the words. He couldn’t even make a sound. All he could do was watch from a distance. He could see this person smiling with other people, engaged in lively conversation. He tried to approach him again and again, yet no matter how many steps Hyunjin took towards him, he just kept getting farther and farther. Hyunjin finally decided to run in his direction, but the faster his pace was, the more that he seemed even harder to reach.

“Seungmin!” Hyunjin said, hearing his voice for the first time.

But the instant that the syllables of this name fell out of his mouth, the person disappeared completely. Hyunjin woke up and the dream dissipated right away.

There was only darkness in the room and the dimness of the night peeking out from the window.

Hyunjin wrapped the blanket around him, willing that its warmth would cover up the coldness in his heart. At the corner of Hyunjin’s eye, there was a stray tear, but he couldn’t tell if it was from sleep or sadness. He had forgotten the dream within seconds from waking, but he was left with the remnants of its grief.

Are you happy?

--------------

3 years ago

Maybe we just don’t love each other as much as we did before. Maybe it was only real at the beginning.

Seungmin didn’t want to say those words, but they slipped out of his mouth anyway.

That night, he could feel the weight of Hyunjin’s gaze a thousand miles away.

“Do you really mean that?” Hyunjin asked, his voice breaking. The signal of the call was clear for both of them, but it seemed that they were no longer on the same frequency.

Seungmin could tell that the person at the other end of the line was already at the brink of collapse. He too was at that point already, although he never let it show on his face. He was the one who made this call and he had to be clear in his resolve.

But why was it so difficult to do? Every cell in his body resisted, wanting to prolong the dream that they had created in the past 4 years. But Seungmin was well-aware that all dreams came to an end. A fantasy was a fantasy at the end of the day. He had already decided to end his daydream yesterday.

If it were just a forgotten birthday, he really wouldn’t mind. But there were too many things that had been forgotten and foregone in the past year.

I’m sorry I missed your call

I’m sorry I couldn’t reply right away

I’m sorry I didn’t see your message

I’m sorry I was drunk

I’m sorry I couldn’t be there

There were far too many iterations of this already. Seungmin was starting to get sick of that word. Sorry. When you say a word over and over again, it starts to lose its meaning. Sorry was beginning to sound meaningless to him. The promise of making it up to him always seemed to fix things in the past. But even those promises never came to fruition.

Seungmin was tired. He was tired from work. He was tired of going home to an empty apartment and an empty bed. He was tired of waiting. He was tired of forgiving and trying to forget. He was strong, but he was not invincible. He felt pain and impatience and frustration too.

So when he spoke the words that Hyunjin didn’t want to hear, he was merely speaking aloud the little voice in his head that knew it all along. He just didn’t want to believe it himself.

This was no longer working.

“Seungmin, it’s still very, very real for me.”

When Hyunjin said those words, Seungmin could hear that it was a desperate plea. And he also desperately wanted to take everything he had said back. The side of him that still wanted this and that still wanted to stay, struggled to be heard deep in his heart.

He started to wish that he had never said them in the first place.

But he fought with himself. He fought so hard he could feel his soul cave in on its own.

He had to do this. If no one said the words that had to be said, they would just fall into the same sad cycle. And they would end up here anyway. This was for the best in the long-run. He reminded himself that he was getting exhausted and defeated. He no longer had the will to pretend that everything was fine. Things had not been fine for a very, very long time.

He just saw no other way anymore. Even if it hurt, he had to see this through.

“Is it? It certainly doesn’t feel that way anymore for me.”

Hyunjin looked back at him with a gaze that crushed his soul. He could tell how hard it was for Hyunjin to speak. He hated to see him like this. He hated that he had to put them through this.

“You’re lying.”

In that moment, Seungmin gathered up all the courage left in his heart so that he could finally admit the cold, hard truth both to himself and to Hyunjin.

“I’m more in pain than in love, Hyunjin. I love you. But I feel empty because I can’t hold you. You feel so far away.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

How can I tell you when each day for you seemed like the best day, but for me, each day felt worse than the last? Even for a moment, how could I take any of that away from you?

It felt selfish to bring any of this up.

But now, he was doing everything he had been avoiding all this time in one fell swoop. And he was wrong to do so. Because this felt even worse than he had imagined. Doing it like this was selfish in its own way too.

“Even if I did, would things have changed?” He asked, well aware that this was one question that Hyunjin couldn’t answer.

Hyunjin’s silence reaffirmed that.

“I would never ask you to change the way you live for me.”

And Seungmin really wouldn’t. He could never. Because Hyunjin was happy where he was. It was only him who wasn’t happy where he had been left behind.

Was it fair that only one of them was happy?

It wasn’t. Hyunjin knew it too.

And so the call ended right after those words were said.

The tears that Seungmin had suppressed throughout the call finally crawled their way out of his eyes and onto his cheeks. It was a cold, autumn rain that drenched and froze every part of him.

The phone was still in his hand, silent and black. His heart screamed for him to call back, if only it would take away the pain that was ripping through it. His mind willed him to keep still, to leave the phone as it was, to leave things as they were. His body was far too exhausted to move, and so he just sat still, alone in the dim room.

Still.

Hyunjin was wrong to believe that Seungmin would stay still no matter what happened. It was a mistake to think that he would be unwavering and unchanging just because he presented himself to be so strong and stable.

Seungmin knew all too well what his weaknesses were. He thought that he had mastered the art of being alone, but when Hyunjin left him with no one to come home to and no one to fill the space on his side of the bed, he realized that he had unlearned everything about being alone when they were together. He longed and yearned and missed someone who was far away. Someone who barely had any time for him. He was busy too, but in his small moments of idleness, he looked for a presence that couldn’t be there for him. Being alone was suddenly a very difficult task because being with Hyunjin was the way he had lived his life in the past 4 years.

By breaking things off, he would still be alone. And there would still be absence. But he hoped that he could unlearn the habit of constantly searching for that person and always coming up empty.

Chapter Text

Even if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing.

As Hyunjin read the letter from his old Quidditch professor, those words struck him the most.

Back then, their Quidditch coach had also been part of the national Quidditch team. Like him, he suffered a bad injury that ultimately ended his stint as a professional athlete. Unlike Hyunjin, his coach had a much brighter outlook about his affliction. He was hellbent on still pursuing Quidditch.
The opportunity came to him through a letter similar to the one in Hyunjin’s hands right now.

Hyunjin read the words again. He was being offered the position of Quidditch professor at Yellow Wood.

He had been off work for more than 6 months now. It was exactly what he needed. It was likely what his parents had been wanting for him, but didn’t have the heart to say.

Hyunjin mulled over the idea in his mind.

Maybe it wasn’t going to be a life in the limelight in big stadiums among thousands of fans, but it was still going to be a life of Quidditch and maybe that was enough. That was how life turned out to be for their professor. It seemed he hoped the same for Hyunjin, who he had regarded as one of his best students. Right now, no one understood him better than their professor did.

Even if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing—It was precisely those words that gave Hyunjin hope. And it was what prompted him to write back and send his acceptance.

Their professor was planning to retire soon and he had long been searching for a successor. Someone had to carry on with the mission of teaching and raising champions. He may not have stayed in the international playing field for long, but seeing his students do just that was a much more satisfying feeling. According to him, at least.

That wasn’t quite how Hyunjin felt. Not at all. He didn’t share the same noble sentiment as his professor. He had more self-centered reasons. Heck, he was sure that he was not going to be a good teacher. He wasn’t exactly the most diligent student back in Yellow Wood either. For most of it, he had been shallow and arrogant, prioritizing fun and Quidditch more than anything else. He didn’t have a single bone in his body that could inspire students. It was only in his latter years that he decided to clean up his act. He was certain that he did not possess the zeal and calling for teaching.

But he did have a calling for Quidditch. And for Quidditich, he was willing to do everything it took.

Even if I could go back in time, I wouldn’t change a thing.

His thoughts were still stuck on those parting words. What if Hyunjin could turn back time?

If he could, he would change everything. He would make sure that this accident never happened. He would make sure that he could be part of the team again. He would make sure that he would be right back to living his dream. He refused to accept things as they were. He simply couldn’t. He had to get back to Quidditch. He had to get back everything he had lost.

And he couldn’t do that if he kept himself at home, locked up in his bedroom.

The letter felt like a lifebuoy thrown at him. It was his only means of survival at the moment. He had to take it and grab it before it got away. He had to get away. If he didn’t, he would drown. If this were the only way to save himself right now, he was willing to take it.

——————

And that was how Hyunjin found himself inside another cold and empty room a month later.

It seemed that he was bound to move from one cold and empty room to another, eternally in a state of questioning where he was. Back in the hospital, every cell in his being just wanted to disappear. In his old bedroom, he felt like he didn’t belong there. Now in this dorm, he had not yet latched on to why he was here. It was moving on just for the sake of moving on. There was no sense of purpose. No direction.

Worst of all, he had no idea what the other side of the door would bring him.

That uncertainty scared him out of his wits. But fear was better than nothing. The fear, the nerves, the anxiety—All of this meant that he could feel.

A few days after sending out his response, his professor was more than happy to help him with preparations. Somehow he had found the strength to do the paperwork, pack up his things, and move his whole life around within a few weeks.

This morning, it was finally time to take the familiar trip back here. The nostalgia hit him like a wave. It was school after all. It was where he grew up. It was where he found himself.

It was where he fell in love—with Quidditch, with him.

Hyunjin found himself doing nothing. The new semester was still a week away so there was not much to prepare for. The only agenda for today was a banquet with all the faculty and staff of Yellow Wood. It would be an opportunity for him to be introduced to the other teachers. He had to admit that he was actually looking forward to meeting the teachers and staff for Quidditch.

Quidditch was just one aspect of school life, but in order to make it all work, there were many moving pieces. There were teachers who taught the fundamentals, coaches and assistant coaches, fitness trainers, health experts. It was a whole show, even at their level.

He had initially wanted to be a Quidditch coach, but there was probably a reason why his old professor didn’t offer him that role. Being in the field would certainly bring back memories. His injury had barred him from competitive Quidditch. He couldn’t be around any form of temptation.
Quidditch had always been harsh on his body, but it had been healing for his soul. If he were to be honest, it was still a little difficult to see the wide, open Quidditch field. He wanted nothing more than to feel the wind in his hair and the thrill of the chase. The cheers of the audience in the background were a welcome melody each time he was up in the air.

In any case, this was his reality now.

He took in the sight of his new home. In all fairness, it wasn’t a small room. The space was big enough for a bedroom, a bathroom, a small kitchen, and a home office. He couldn’t appreciate it much because as soon as he got here, he left his luggage by the door and went straight to the bedroom. Moving around and traveling was tiring. In fact, any sort of movement was tiring for him these days. This came as a surprise since the lifestyle he had been accustomed to was nothing but moving around from one place to another.

It seemed like fate was really catching up to him now.

The thought of this tired him out even more. And so he collapsed on the bed, exhausted in his mind and spent in his body. He wanted nothing but to lie down these days. His long, idle days at the hospital had become a hard habit to break.

——————

For the rest of the afternoon, Hyunjin just stayed inside the room. What was there to see? He was all too familiar with this place. He knew it like the back of his hand. Aside from the professor’s quarters that had been off premises in the past, everything else about Yellow Wood was the same. The people may be different, but nothing really changed about the place. The buildings, the hallways, the paintings on the wall—-It was as if he had never left. There was nothing much to see.

He also wasn’t ready to run into anyone yet. Conversation was a daunting task. He had gotten too used to his reclusive lifestyle.

He decided that it was best to rest for the most part of the day, since there was going to be a banquet later in the evening. He had to save his energy for that. He used to look forward to those kinds of things. But he hadn’t been in an event like that in months. The only people that he had shared meals with or had spoken to were his family. Just recently, Minho. Aside from that, no one else. His old coach and teammates couldn’t even spare the time to visit him because they were too busy with training and matches.

His first social gathering since his injury was going to be in a room full of academics and intellectuals.

Fun.

He actually had no idea at all what sort of crowd the professors of Yellow Wood were. Back when he was a student, he remembered having both young and old professors. It didn’t really cross his mind what kind of people they were outside the classroom. To his young mind, they were only figures who were meant to test and (occassionally) terrorize him. He wasn’t sure what to expect. He didn’t even know how many people there were in the faculty. Back then, it was already difficult for him to focus on one, how could it even cross his mind how many teachers there were in the whole school?

Well, he was bound to get his answers later.

What was he even going to wear? Was it a formal banquet? Did he even have the clothes for that?

Hyunjin suddenly realized how unprepared he was for this. Not just for the banquet. For everything.

He was suddenly intimidated by the fact that he was going to be managing a classroom full of wizards next week. He had never shied away from crowds, but now, he was feeling extremely self-conscious. How was he going to start?

Regardless, he was already here. He was just going to have to take things as they come. Didn’t Quidditch teach him that?

The winds could change, a player could suddenly overtake you, the snitch could evade you. But whatever happens, you have to take things as they come and take your next step from there. Grace, agility, and confidence under pressure.

The thought of this calmed him a little. Rightfully so as the time for the banquet grew closer.

He faced the mirror and settled on a simple white button-down and dark pants. Whether the event was going to be casual or formal, he could never go wrong with something white. He even tied his shoulder length dark hair using a white ribbon for some semblance of style. It took him several tries before finally deciding on this ensemble. That was unlike him as he usually threw on whatever, and let his natural looks do the rest. But these days, he was truly unlike himself. The golden boy felt lack-luster and insecure.

After taking a deep breath and one last glance at his reflection, he stepped out of his room and into the unknown.

——————

The instant that he entered the hall, he felt like he teleported back to highschool. The Great Hall was mostly the same, save for the fact that the people were older. And not that much older really. One look at the group and he could immediately tell that most of them were within the same age range as him. It was also possible that the more veteran members of the faculty no longer bothered with these kinds of social gatherings. As for how big the faculty was, there were about a hundred of them in the room, likely enough to fill up several long tables where the students usually sat.

But there were no long tables in the hall today. They had been cleared, and in their place were standing round tables, forcing the teachers and staff to go around and mingle with one another.

He had already been by the doorway for some time and was beginning to feel how much of an outsider he was, when he heard a voice call out to him.

“Hyunjin!”

Hyunjin turned towards the sound of that distinctly familiar voice.

“There you are! I’ve been waiting for you,” Felix said, smiling at him with the same bright smile that Hyunjin remembered. Felix placed an arm around him as if the sense of familiarity and friendship from the past had never wavered. In fact, he hadn’t spoken to Felix since graduation. It’s been 5 years since then. Regardless, he was relieved to see someone familiar in a crowd of strangers.

“How’d you know that I was going to be here?”

Felix laughed, “Everyone in the Quidditch department knows. We were all curious to see who would take Coach Park’s place.”

“So you teach Quidditch now too?” Hyunjin asked. He did recall Felix being a Quidditch player back in their time, but this had been overtaken by his rivalry with Jisung. They did have intense matches with the house of Wind too, but their matches with the house of Stars were most memorable.

“Yup, I teach the kids from the house of Wind. Brian Kang teaches the kids from the house of Stars. Remember him?”

Of course he remembered Brian. Hyunjin conjured from his memory the image of the calm yet confident captain of the Stars’ Quidditch team. When he graduated, it was Jisung who took his place.

“He’s right there,” Felix replied with enthusiasm in his voice. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.”

Hyunjin allowed Felix to pull him towards one of the tables. The people around it were already happily engaged in conversation. Right away, he caught sight of Brian. Coincidentally, he was also the first to look in their direction.

“There you are, Hwang Hyunjin. It’s about time you showed up. We were beginning to think that you bailed on us,” Brian said, giving him a cheeky look.

There was a reason why Brian was known as one of the best captains of the house of Stars. He was gifted at making people feel comfortable and that they were part of the team. Hyunjin immediately took comfort in his teasing words.

Brian handed him a drink. He took it and they clinked glasses. A welcome drink.

And just like that, Hyunjin was instantly part of their circle. After a quick round of introductions, he easily fell into the dynamics of the group. He didn’t find any difficulty in building rapport with them because they all had something in common: Quidditch.

He was so into the discussions within their own group. It was easy to forget the rest of the people inside the room. Unfortunately, Brian was quick to remind him.

“I think it’s about time that Hyunjin gets acquainted with everyone else, don’t you think? It’s tradition after all,” Brian remarked.

Felix giggled.

“I think it’s time,” he said with a teasing look in his eyes. Everyone else at their table excitedly acquiesced.

Hyunjin raised an eyebrow.

“What are you talking about?”

Brian laughed, but instead of responding right away, he handed him an empty wine glass.

“It’s simple enough. We’ll just go around and introduce you to the rest of the faculty,” Felix replied.

Hyunjin stared at him suspiciously.

“Hm, so what’s this for?” He asked, twisting the stem of the empty glass with his fingers.

“Well they have to pour you a drink, of course. It’s how we welcome our new professors at Yellow Wood,” Brian answered, a little too giddily.

Hyunjin sighed. There were well over a hundred of them here.

“Is this my initiation?”

Brian simply smiled at him.

“Don’t worry, Felix and I will be right by your side.”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, but flashed him a look that said, ‘challenge accepted.’

Drinking was nothing new to him. As a Quidditch player, he drank a fair amount at parties celebrating their victory or drowning out the pain of defeat. This was well within his forte.

“Bring it on.”

——————

And they did.

Each table had a glass of wine with liquid that just never seemed to reach the bottom. There were about 20 tables inside the room. Each table was more than willing to give the newbie a welcome drink. Some of the professors were a little more conservative and only gave him a smidge of alcohol. Others were unforgiving and filled his glass to the brim. Hyunjin had no choice but to drink the glass empty before they reached the next table. He wasn’t really a lightweight, but he hasn’t had an opportunity to drink since his injury. By the time that they were in the 10th or 11th table (he wasn’t sure at this point), he was already feeling the effects of the alcohol. Thankfully, he had arms on each side to hold him up.

Brian and Felix both had personalities that exuded warmth and friendliness. But right now, Hyunjin wasn’t feeling too warm or friendly towards these two.

“Ready for some more, Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin glared at whoever it was. He couldn’t really tell anymore. His tipsiness was bordering very close to the level of drunk. With one more glass, it would tip right over.

Hyunjin geared for the next round of introductions in his drunken haze. The past hour had been a blur of faces and names and drinks. He wasn’t even sure how he was going to remember all of this the next morning. Maybe the point of this whole initiation was not to.

As they reached the next table, Hyunjin suddenly understood why.

“Oh, you already know each other, right?” Brian mused.

The alcohol-induced cloud over Hyunjin’s head seemed to dissipate. The room was still buzzing with noise, but the silence grew louder in his ears. As he realized who Brian was speaking to, he instantly grew sober.

He looked mostly the same as he did the last time they saw each other. He seemed to have lost some weight since then, but that only served to highlight the best angles of his face. He stood taller, a little less shy in his stance. Time had been good to him, Hyunjin noticed. Other than those small changes, his gentle eyes and how his bangs lightly fell right above them, were the same.

He was the same Seungmin that Hyunjin had kept hidden in his memories. He had been the phantom of his dreams. But now, he was no longer a ghost, but real and right in front of him.

“Seungmin, I forgot to mention. Hyunjin will be joining us in the Quidditch department,” Felix interjected.

Hyunjin wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but the cheerful tone in Felix’s voice turned down a notch. His hold on his other arm seemed to loosen too. He wasn’t sure how much Felix knew, but he was certainly aware that he and Seungmin had been together back then. With the change in his energy, it looked like he knew enough. Word of their separation likely got around within their little group of head boys and prefects.

While Brian seemed to be unaffected by all of this, an awkwardness filled the air around the three of them. Hyunjin tried to ignore the shift and proceeded to introduce himself to everyone else in Seungmin’s table.

He had imagined seeing that face again, a million times over inside his head. But now that he was here, he didn’t quite know what to do.

“How about a toast to our newbie?” Brian chided, absolutely clueless about the situation. Meanwhile, Felix had grown silent, but was still forcing a smile.

One of the professors beside Seungmin took the bottle in the center of the table and uncapped it. He was about to walk over to where Hyunjin was, until Seungmin stopped him.

“Why don’t I do it? We’re already acquainted after all,” Seungmin asked.

At the sound of that voice, Hyunjin felt a slight quiver inside his chest. He hadn’t heard that sound in a very long time. He had almost forgotten how melodic it was. He had chosen to forget because the last words that were spoken to him by that voice tore him to pieces.

That seemed to ground him back to reality.

At that moment, the other professor willingly gave Seungmin the bottle. With each step that Seungmin took towards Hyunjin, Hyunjin’s mind grew clearer.

The sleepless nights, the endless tears, his breaking heart. Hyunjin remembered.

Seungmin then approached Hyunjin, wine in hand. Felix let go of Hyunjin’s arm and got out of the way.

Seungmin leaned towards him ever so slightly, touching the tip of the bottle to the brim of Hyunjin’s wine glass.

“Are you okay?” He asked, his voice low enough that only Hyunjin would hear.

“I’m fine,” Hyunjin answered without any hesitation, looking up at Seungmin. His voice may not have revealed any emotion, but his eyes were filled with spite.

Seungmin regarded him for a moment and proceeded to pour the drink, giving him a quarter of a glass of the golden liquid.

Hyunjin drank it all in one go. He couldn’t wait to get away from there. He had hated the thought just a second ago, but the idea of drinking more alcohol was suddenly very attractive.

“Thanks everyone. Let’s all wish Hyunjin good luck,” Brian said, dragging the two of them off to another group.

“I’m sorry,” Felix whispered to Hyunjin as they walked away. “It slipped my mind.”

Hyunjin flashed him a smile. It was the same smile that he used on an opponent whenever they lost a match.

Nothing but a facade.

“It’s fine.”

He didn’t quite mean the words, but he was hell-bent on looking like it and pretending that he was.

——————

As the night grew deeper, Hyunjin found himself drinking more, as if the alcohol could take away the ache in his heart that he thought had long been numbed by time.

As the night grew even deeper, Hyunjin had reached a point of intoxication wherein he was still perfectly aware of his surroundings, but was no longer perfectly in control of his inhibitions. This was his favorite level of intoxication. It allowed him to have the perfect balance of crazy and impulsiveness in order to make it a fun and memorable night.

He was extremely chatty and sociable now. Somehow he found himself at the center of the room, beguiling and charming the others. It was in times like these that he found himself in his element. For most of his life, the attention and affection revolved around him like he was the sun. These things, he easily got from the people he encountered. He was simply used to being loved. These may have been fleeting feelings for those who gave him love, but for Hyunjin, receiving love from everyone was a constant. He was loved in school, he was loved in the field, he was loved in every room he walked into. Hyunjin had been given the princely treatment in Yellow Wood and it was pretty much the same when he went out into the world. It was only at this point in his life, when he had felt that the crown had tipped over and that the glory days were gone.

But right now, surrounded by enamored gazes of these strangers with a good drink in his hand, he felt like he was back in that time. He reveled in that feeling for a second. He had been cloistered for the past few months, but now that he was here, he remembered how it was like to be a shining pearl.

He had long admitted to himself that he liked this feeling. And so he was going to soak in it for as long as he could.

Hyunjin found himself trapped in the moment until he caught that familiar gaze in the crowd. It was only for a second, but Hyunjin somehow caught a tinge of sadness in that person’s expression. While everyone else lost themselves in the merriment, Hyunjin read a sort of melancholy in Seungmin’s eyes.

Hyunjin realized that this may have been the first time that Seungmin was seeing this side of him. They had parties back in their time at Yellow Wood, but that was nothing compared to the gatherings that Hyunjin had been to as a Quidditch player. He had been to grand ones, wild ones, the most exclusive ones. Hyunjin seemed to live a different life in those parties, losing himself in the free-flowing fine wine and seemingly endless nights. Hyunjin had to admit that he had been addicted to the thrill of it all.

Seungmin had never seen or gotten to know this face of his.

Hyunjin avoided Seungmin’s eyes. He decided that he wasn’t going to acknowledge that he was there. Seungmin’s presence was a double-edged sword, hurting him on both sides. He reminded him of the past that was beyond him and the present that he refused to face. Seeing someone from days that had already come to pass reminded him that time was constantly moving, even if he himself had not yet moved on.

—----------------

5 years ago

Graduation.

It had been 7 years since they first stepped on this island, and tomorrow, they were finally graduating. They were naive and clueless 13 year olds during their first year. Now, they were 20—adults and a little more learned.

They considered themselves so mature and yet the thought of stepping out and experiencing the world shook them to their core. The thought of graduation was exciting, but it was also scary.

“I’m afraid,” Seungmin said, intertwining his fingers with Hyunjin’s. The latter took his hand and placed it inside the pocket of his coat.

It was their last day as students of Yellow Wood. It was a good day to take a stroll around the campus one more time. Tomorrow, they won't have any opportunity to have time to themselves. Their families would be arriving together on the island by morning.

“Why, love?”

Seungmin faced Hyunjin, “What if I don’t pass the interview? What if they don’t like me?”

Seungmin was set to have an interview with the Ministry of Magic a couple of weeks from now. For the longest time, his dream had been to work for the Ministry. He had excelled in all of his subjects and his best one had been Magical Law. Ever since he had discovered that he liked that field and did quite well in it, he had been slowly but surely preparing for a role at the Ministry.

“Of course they’ll like you. I like you,” Hyunjin teased.

“Be serious. This is important,” Seungmin whined.

Hyunjin laughed. The cute voice that Seungmin used when he was slightly annoyed was one of his favorite things in the world.

“I know it is. And trust me, I know you’re the best person for the job. You’re brilliant. Just trust yourself and do your best.”

Hyunjin let go of Seungmin’s hand, only to wrap an arm around his shoulders and lay a kiss on the side of his head.

That immediately soothed Seungmin’s worries away.

Seungmin had never craved for warmth until he met Hyunjin. He never saw the point in holding hands or giving hugs, even to friends and family. To him, words had always been enough. With Hyunjin, he realized that there were a thousand words that could be said with just a single human touch.
They walked farther from the main building and found themselves at the center of the Quidditch field.

This was a significant place for Hyunjin. In many ways, this is where everything began. This is where he fell in love with Quidditch. This is where he realized that he had fallen in love with Seungmin.

They decided to settle down on the soft and green patch of grass. This was a nice place to stay for a while.

“I should be the one that’s worried. I’ll be trying out for teams this year. What if I’m not good enough for any of them?” Hyunjin mused. His tone was lighthearted, but his chest felt heavy. This thought had been weighing on him all year.

Before Seungmin, Hyunjin’s whole life was split into just two boxes — Quidditch and everything else. His days were centered on Quidditch. It gave him a reason to wake up the next morning. It was the thing that put a smile on his face when he slept at night.

Now that he was with Seungmin, the boxes had shifted around. Quidditch may have been his first love, but Seungmin was his greatest. Back then, his only dream was to play Quidditch professionally. Now, his dream was to achieve that dream alongside Seungmin.

“I’m not worried,” Seungmin said, gazing up at the sky and then looking back at him to smile.

“You carry your light with you wherever you go. You can’t help but shine. You’ll captivate them the same way you captivate all of us.”

Seungmin had this way of saying just the right words to complete him.

Hyunjin had never felt like anything was missing from his life. But when this amazing and adorable boy in front of him walked into his world, he realized that he had been wrong about that. He came to know that he had so much growing to do and that he wanted to grow alongside this person. Seungmin filled in the gaps that he couldn’t fill in just by himself.

Seungmin truly was his missing puzzle piece. He could let everything go, so long as he had him by his side.

“Come here,” Hyunjin said, pulling Seungmin close and giving him a soft peck on the lips.

“I love you.”

They rarely said those three words to each other. They heard it louder through other means—the way Hyunjin looked at Seungmin like he was the moon and the stars, the way Seungmin leaned into Hyunjin’s warmth like he was the sun.

“I love you too.”

Seungmin never believed in forever, but he wanted to believe in an eternity with Hyunjin.

In that moment, they truly believed there was no love more pure and sincere than the one they had for each other.

They stayed like that in silence for some time. It felt comforting to be quiet around each other. They simply watched the sky, the setting sun, and the wide open field. It felt easy and simple being with each other. No words needed to be said. They just knew.

It could very well have been just the two of them in the whole universe and it would have been fine.

“How can I let this place go? I don’t think I’m ready for change,” Hyunjin said.

Beside him, Seungmin spoke with no uncertainty at all in his tone. He was confident. He had no apprehensions when it came to the two of them.

“As long as we’re together, not much should change.”

Hyunjin held onto those words as tightly as he held onto Seungmin.

It was the end of a chapter and the start of a new one, but they were not at all worried. They would walk away from this place, hand in hand, unafraid of what the future could bring.

——————

At that age, in that time, on that little patch of grass and sunlight, it was as if no uncertainties existed in this world. As if there were no uncertainties at all when it came to the two of them.

As if.

A year after those words were said, so many things had already changed. And two years later, everything between the two of them that they thought would remain untouched were suddenly unreachable.

Now, Hyunjin couldn’t even revisit those memories without getting burned. They were his and yet he could never hold them.

It seemed that the moment they left Yellow Wood, reality eventually caught up. Everything that had happened here was nothing but a daydream. At some point, they had to snap out of it.

And now, some years later, they were back to the place where everything began.

The place was the same, but the two of them were different. The last time they were here, they were two people in love, ready to conquer the world beyond. Now, they were worse than strangers. They were estranged.

The most painful thing about a breakup like theirs wasn’t the breakup itself. It was the aftermath.

Maybe if they had been able to see each other and end things face to face, there would be a semblance of an ending. Maybe if they had one last hug, there would actually be closure. Maybe if they had one last kiss, there would’ve been finality in that chapter of their lives.

But neither of them got that.

The last time they held each other was before Hyunjin left for the Quidditch team. This was the first time they were within proximity of each other after 4 long years.

Because there was no clear ending, there was no clean break. It was a chapter of a book left unwritten. It was a song cut short right at the refrain. It was hard to completely erase the feeling of wanting to know the rest of the story, of wanting to hear the rest of the melody.

Because of that, they couldn’t see each other without seeing the pain and sadness of the past. They couldn’t even speak to each other without the silence speaking louder. They couldn’t even look at each other without turning away.

If only it were that easy to forget, this would’ve been easier. But when you loved someone so deeply, the cut that it left was just as deep. Time might’ve stopped the bleeding, but it couldn’t take away the scars.

Chapter Text

Hyunjin didn’t know what it was that roused his consciousness, but he was suddenly aware of the feeling of leaning on someone, his arm slung over their shoulders and his waist supported by this person’s hold.

He couldn’t quite wrap his head around where he was, how he got here, or where they were going. His last lucid memory was getting one of the wine bottles from the table and drinking it alongside one of the professors, who likewise had his own bottle.

After that, nothing.

He clung to this stranger for dear life. He let him lead the way. He assumed it was a man because he appeared to have a similar build as Hyunjin. He thought that it might have been Felix.

He opened his eyes briefly and saw that they were on their way to the dorms.

“Which one’s yours, Hyunjin?”

He probably mumbled something because this stranger seemed to know where to go from there. They struggled with opening the door for a moment, but the stranger huffed a sigh of relief when it was finally open. Hyunjin had the body of an athlete and was not easy to carry.

Hyunjin felt himself being dragged towards his bedroom. Once he had been laid on the bed, it was only then that he managed to look up at the person who had brought him here.

Was this a dream? Why was he here?

And then he remembered the events that transpired that night. The ghost of the past had come back to haunt him.

Hyunjin took hold of the hand that was tucking him into his blanket. It felt real enough. But it couldn’t be. How could he be standing this close to him? Their faces were merely inches apart with how he was leaning over him. Their lips were only a breath away from each other.

The unhinged part of Hyunjin called for him to lean in and pull him closer, to close the distance. But his better judgment told him otherwise.

Not like this.

"What are you doing here?" Hyunjin asked, his words coming out in an intoxicated, accusatory whisper.

Seungmin stared at him for a moment, his gaze unreadable. Hyunjin wondered what he was seeing. Was this as much a dream for Seungmin as it was for him?

"It looked like you needed some help. The other professors have already been brought back to their rooms,” Seungmin answered, unable to pry off Hyunjin’s grasp.

As soon as he spoke, Hyunjin sobered up a little. He was quickly realizing that the sound of that voice reminded him of pain. This was turning out to be more like a nightmare than a dream.

He let go and turned to the other side, his back facing Seungmin.

"I don't want your help. I can manage on my own."

There wasn't any bitterness in his tone. He said it the way he would state a fact.

That made it worse.

The silence overwhelmed the room. Seungmin stood still, not knowing what to say. He simply accepted Hyunjin's words.

What was there to say, anyway?

"I'll take my leave then."

Seungmin turned towards the door, but stopped upon the sound of his name.

"Seungmin," Hyunjin said in a low tone, keeping his eyes on the wall. It took a lot for him to muster those two syllables.

He took a deep breath, "I'll be amicable towards you in front of the others, but when it's just us, there's no need for any pretense."

“So what are you saying?” Seungmin said.

There was a deafening silence before he spoke.

“I’m saying, don’t do things like this for me again.”

Seungmin nodded, although Hyunjin couldn't see.

So that's how it was going to be.

"Will that make things easier?" Seungmin asked, his voice not revealing any sort of emotion.

Hyunjin took a second before giving his answer.

"If I had a choice, I’d rather not see you," Hyunjin said, again in the same matter-of-fact tone that he had used earlier.

You remind me of everything I loved and lost

Those words would’ve softened the blow that he had just struck, but he left that part out.

The truth was, it wasn’t going to make things easier. When he didn’t see him, it hurt. When he did see him, it hurt all the same. This was the best answer he could give right now. It was honest, but it was also harsh. At least he could blame it on the alcohol the next morning.

“I’ll try my best to stay out of your way,” Seungmin said in a quiet voice.

It was a promise, but it also felt like a punishment.

Without another word, Seungmin left the room as silently as he could. As if he had never been there in the first place.

Hyunjin stayed still for a moment, uncertain whether he had just done the right thing.

Regardless, this was the truth in his heart right now.

-------------

The next morning, Hyunjin woke up with a bad hangover and a bad case of regret. The first, he could easily deal with. The second, not so much.

The words he said were the truth, but maybe Seungmin didn’t have to know that. Maybe it was too much to say. Maybe ‘thank you’ was better than those words. Maybe he should’ve just pretended to be unconscious and shouldn’t have said anything at all.

But he couldn’t pretend. He didn’t want to pretend. He didn’t have the will to act out this play where they were nothing but normal colleagues. Because they weren’t. And Seungmin may be okay, but he wasn’t. He thought that he was after all this time, but last night proved otherwise. The scars had been etched too deep in him and 3 years just wasn’t enough to forget all of that.

And so they were just going to live this way from now on. Like strangers. So be it.

Hyunjin allowed himself a few more moments in bed, accepting the reality of the situation and the dawn of the new day. What he desperately wanted right now was water and coffee. A lot of coffee.

He laid still for a while before deciding that today was a good opportunity to visit the Sunshine Cafe. After all, he had been meaning to for the past 4 years. When Minho visited him at home, he told him that he could come at the cafe anytime.

Hyunjin languidly dragged himself out of bed and took a quick shower. This made him feel a little better. He changed into a fresh set of clothes so that he was decent enough to go out.

He decided that walking to the cafe and exposing himself to the cool air of the island would work better for his current state. He searched his phone for the address that Minho had given him. On foot, it was a half an hour trip.

Minho and Jisung’s cafe was located at the center of District 9. District 9 was a place full of memories for any student of Yellow Wood. It was a known joint where students could unwind and relax. It had cafes, restaurants, bars, and stores. The 4 of them—Hyunjin, Seungmin, Jisung, and Minho—spent many of their weekends here in the past.

The walk was both familiar and refreshing. It didn’t take too long for Hyunjin to finally see the sign—Sunshine Cafe.

It was positioned strategically right smack in the middle of a restaurant and a bar. No wonder the business was doing so well.

Hyunjin stood in front of the door and turned the knob. He nearly doubled back when he saw who was manning the counter.

Jisung.

He and Jisung had not seen each other in a very long time. Their conversations had been sporadic when he left years ago. It fizzled out fast because of the insurmountable distance and lack of time. Facing him now, the icy atmosphere was chilling to the core.

But he was already here. It would be more awkward to turn back.

“Hi Jisung,” Hyunjin managed to say as he approached the counter.

Jisung looked up and realized who it was. He gave him a cold expression, but within a second, he flipped this into an all too polite smile.

“Hello Sir, can I take your order?” He chimed.

To him, he was just any other customer.

“Come on Jisung, don’t be a stranger,” Hyunjin said.

Jisung dropped the corners of his lips and glowered at him.

“Sorry, I think it’s better if someone else serves you today.”

Just like that, Jisung walked off and proceeded towards the door behind him. In a second, he was gone and Hyunjin was alone. There was barely anyone in the cafe as the semester hadn’t started yet.

Thankfully, the door reopened and out came Minho. He was quick to greet Hyunjin.

“Sorry about that. How do you like your coffee?” Minho said casually.

“Latte please.”

Now that it was only the two of them, Minho started preparing him a hot cup of latte just as he had instructed. He was quick to work through the coffee machine, adept at the controls and the buttons. They could’ve easily prepared all of this through magic, but coffee tasted better done this way.

Minho laid down the cup in front of him and faced Hyunjin. He made a gesture of thanks.

“Jisung doesn’t want to speak to you right now,” Minho said, facing him.

“Obviously,” Hyunjin muttered as he warmed his hands around the coffee cup.

“Can you guess why?”

The realization dawned on Hyunjin, “It’s about last night, isn’t it?”

“Well, is there anything else?” Minho asked.

The past 4 years? Not a single word spoken to one another? Hurting his best friend? There were many other things. It was a whole laundry list.

“I didn’t think he would run to the two of you so quickly,” Hyunjin said. Saying Seungmin’s name so candidly was still a challenge. “He used to be quite good at keeping things to himself.”

Hyunjin finally took a sip of his coffee. It was warm enough now. There was suddenly a taste of bitterness in his mouth.

“He shares a bit more now. It’s a good change,” Minho replied. It was said in the same cool and calm voice, but if you knew Minho well enough, you would know that it was actually a retort. He was telling Hyunjin off.

“I meant what I said. I was only speaking the truth,” Hyunjin answered.

Minho nodded, “I know and you’re allowed to feel whatever it is you feel. We know that you were hurt, but I think you’re forgetting that he was too. This can’t be easy for him either.”

“He looks fine to me,” Hyunjin said, taking another sip from the cup. “And you, you knew that we were bound to see each other, but you didn’t say anything to either of us. What are you playing at?”

That question had bothered Hyunjin since he ran into Seungmin at the banquet. It was one of the reasons why Hyunjin wanted to come here this morning. Minho knew that he had accepted the job. Why didn’t he say anything?

“I didn’t think it mattered. Enough time has passed. Besides, I didn’t want to keep you from taking this opportunity. Tell me honestly, if you knew that he was there too, would you have come?”

Hyunjin kept his gaze on his coffee. Would he have come? Knowing that he would be in the same place as his ex, would he have been willing to take the job?

He didn’t give Minho an answer.

“I thought so,” he said, looking at him seriously. “Hyunjin, I only had the best intentions.”

“Well, it backfired.”

Minho sighed, a look of frustration finally making itself known on his usually kind face.

“Seungmin will do as he says. He’ll stay out of your way. We know it. You know it. He always keeps his word,” Minho replied, saying Seungmin’s name for the first time. “But why does it have to be that way, Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin sighed, “I’m dealing with enough. I don’t want to have to deal with the idea of him too. How can I even begin to heal when the only thing he reminds me of is hurting?”

Minho took a moment to answer.

“Okay, I understand. Sorry I didn’t say anything.”

Hyunjin drew back the tension that had begun to rise in his chest.

“There’s no need. I know that you just want what’s good for me. But just let him and I deal with this in our own way. Let me deal with this in my own way.”

“I know. I’ll talk to Jisung later. Give him time. What’s done is done anyway,” Minho said, giving him a look of understanding.

He paused, “But I just hope you don’t treat Seungmin too harshly. He went through a lot to get to where he is. Aren’t you a little happy to see that he’s doing fine?”

Was he? Could he be?

“It’s not easy.”

Those were the only things Hyunjin could say truthfully for now. He focused on drinking his coffee instead.

-------------

Jisung never came back to the counter while he was there.

He could understand why Jisung was being like this. He had always been protective of his best friend. He and Hyunjin had been best friends too, but when it came down to it, it was clear whose side he would take.

Fortunately, his friendship with Minho was never subjected to that kind of test. After the split, Seungmin simply became a taboo in the conversations that Hyunjin had with him. Minho was like that, he had never forced the issue out of him and he never said anything. Until now.

He and Minho had never been good at talking about difficult things. That was how their friendship worked. That was how Hyunjin worked. As much of a social butterfly as he was, he became reclusive when he was at his lowest. As open as he had looked, he had only ever allowed himself to open up to one person. And the moment that that person walked out of his life, it was as if a door had closed in Hyunjin’s heart forever.

For now, he had no choice but to accept Jisung’s cold shoulder. It had been like this for 4 years already anyway. It wasn’t a big change. He’ll reach out to him at some point, just not today. Minho already knew his side. And he only had to give Jisung time to accept it too.

It was only the beginning and his time back here was already looking complicated. He didn’t know what to expect of the days to come.

Fortunately, the days that came to pass had been nothing short of busy.

Seungmin seemed to be making good on his promise to stay out of his way. He didn’t see or hear of him in the days that followed. Jisung was also hell-bent on pretending that he didn’t exist. All of this weighed on Hyunjin’s mind, but thankfully, work was a welcome distraction.

School was starting next Monday and there were many things to prepare. He had to create a class syllabus and a list of required reading materials for the students. Hyunjin wasn’t expecting the amount of research that he had to do. Fortunately, the resources were not too hard to find in the library. He may not have spent a lot of time reading books for his classes back in his days as a student, but he did spend a lot of time reading up on Quidditch. He knew exactly what to require his class to read.

Aside from that, there were other administrative matters that he had to deal with. He had to process documents, create inventories for the Quidditch equipment, and attend regular meetings with the Quidditch department and the rest of the faculty. He even had to read the evaluation sheets for his predecessors to know what points he had to focus on in his teaching.

He was feeling the weight of the work already and classes hadn’t even started.

-------------

Spent from everything he did this afternoon, Hyunjin decided that he wanted to cap the day off with a good cup of coffee.

He took the teacup-shaped portkey on his bedside table. Minho gave him this so that he could easily go to the Sunshine Cafe without having to take the long walk. Hyunjin had never been a fan of travel by portkey. He touched the teacup with his fingers and geared himself for the unnerving feeling of his insides being pulled forward.

In an instant, he found himself in the storage room of the coffee shop. He hadn’t been back here for a few days. Minho spoke to him regularly, despite there being tension between him and Jisung. Admittedly, there was reluctance in running into Jisung, but as long as Minho was there, everything should be fine.

As fate would have it, Jisung was in the storage room right at this moment.

Hyunjin stumbled forward, portkey on the floor. Jisung turned at the sound. Seeing that it was Hyunjin, he proceeded with what he was doing.

“Minho’s not here today. He had some errands to run,” Jisung said offhandedly.

Hyunjin shouldn’t have been shocked by the coldness of Jisung’s tone, but it still disturbed him.

“I didn’t come here for Minho. I came here for coffee,” Hyunjin replied.

Jisung ignored him, focusing instead on rearranging the contents of the shelf in front of him. Hyunjin was getting tired of this kind of treatment. They had been pretending too long as if the other didn’t exist.

“Jisung,” Hyunjin called. “Are we going to be like this forever?”

Jisung scoffed, “Minho may have let you off easy, but I certainly won’t.”

“Why? Is it so difficult to understand where I’m coming from?” Hyunjin pleaded.

The last time they were in a tense situation like this, they were still students. They hadn’t fought seriously since they made up back in their 6th year.

Jisung was silent for a moment. Then he turned to face Hyunjin.

“You know what, Hyunjin, it actually is. We know that you took a hard hit because of the accident, but is it fair to treat Seungmin this way? He hasn’t been here since that night.”

“That’s his choice.”

“A choice he made because of you,” Jisung retorted. “He’s always worried about running into you.”

Hyunjin didn’t say anything. He didn’t really consider how much effort it would take for Seungmin to avoid him.

“A long time has passed, Hyunjin. Why do you still need to treat him this way?”

Hyunjin once more responded with silence. Why did he? Why was he so defensive when it came to Seungmin?

“Because it’s hard to be around him.”

He simply echoed the things he had said before. That was all there was to it.

“We know you’re still hurting from the accident. You don’t have to take it out on him. You can’t use your hurt to justify hurting someone you supposedly loved.”

Hyunjin glared at Jisung.

“What do you want me to do? Apologize? Apologize even if I don’t completely mean it?” Hyunjin threw back. “Besides, why are you so involved? This is between me and him. You and I aren’t even friends.”

The tone had leaned towards sympathetic before these words were said. Now, the animosity was back in full force.

“And I see now that that was a good decision on my part,” Jisung shot back. “It’s always about you, isn’t it? You and your pain. What about Seungmin’s? What about ours? You spite Seungmin for being okay, but he had to crawl to get there. Minho and I were there. When he was hurting while you were still together, we were there. We’ve always been involved.”

“He never told me anything. He never gave me the chance to fix things,” Hyunjin retorted.

Jisung raised his voice, “How could he? You were never around. You couldn’t even reply to his messages, much more, answer a phone call.”

Hyunjin’s words failed him. Jisung pushed on.

“When we did hear about you, you were out with your friends, you were partying every night, you had someone new in your arms. You didn’t answer Minho’s calls for months after the two of you broke up. So no. I won’t take this bullshit where you say that you’re hurting because of him. It’s been 3 years and in those 3 years, I never saw you hurting. From where we stood, you looked perfectly fine.”

What could he say to dispute that? Nothing. Because they were all true. The face he showed in public was the golden boy. No sign of brokenness or tarnish. He suffered on his own. He kept it all to himself. This was his relationship with grief. He reveled in it in the dark, alone.

“Is this about the accident or is this really about Seungmin, Hyunjin?” Jisung prodded.

The question struck him like a dagger through his heart. What was it really about?

“Does Seungmin remind you of the pain of the accident? Or did the accident remind you of the pain of losing Seungmin?”

Hyunjin moved only to grab the portkey from the floor. He was frozen everywhere else.

“I don’t know. I have to go.”

He allowed himself to be transported back to his room.

-------------

4 years ago

The Sunshine Cafe had already closed for the night, but its lights were still on. Inside, there were 3 people huddled together in one of the booths.

“I can’t believe you really made this happen,” Changbin said, looking at the interior of the cafe. It was newly minted. Everything about it looked, felt, and smelled new.

“Congratulations, you two.”

Changbin smiled at the couple seated across from him. Jisung and Minho warmly returned the expression. They were quite proud with what they had achieved this past year together. Both of them had taken out loans from the bank and their families to make all of this happen. One of their biggest investors was sitting across from them now. Changbin was the one who was most insistent about them pushing forward.

Hopefully, all their support would be worth it.

“Where’s Seungmin?” Changbin inquired.

“He usually gets off work late, but he should be on his way now,” Jisung answered.

Just as he did, the chimes by the door rang, signaling that someone had come in. Right on cue, Seungmin had finally arrived.

“Changbin!” He called out as he excitedly approached their table.

It had been a while since the 4 of them came together like this. Jisung and Minho had been busy establishing the Sunshine Cafe. Seungmin was busy with his work at the Ministry. Changbin had also been caught up with his work producing music with Stray Kids, a local Wizard rock band. This was quite a surprise as none of them expected for Changbin to go into music right after graduation.

“Give me a sec, I’ll just go to the comfort room,” Seungmin said, running quickly towards the back of the cafe.

Changbin leaned in towards Jisung and Minho.

“Hey, is he all right?” He asked, lowering his voice so only the 3 of them would hear.

As happy as he was when Seungmin walked in, the first thing he noticed about the boy was the lack of color in his cheeks and the lack of energy in his usually cheerful voice.

“They’re a bit hard on him in the Ministry since he’s a newbie. He’s been working after hours almost everyday and sometimes they even bug him while he’s at home,” Jisung replied, a tinge of sadness in his tone. “He says it will all be worth it in the end, but I don’t really see that right now.”

“What about Hyunjin?”

Jisung rolled his eyes.

“He’s on the other side of the world and he hasn’t been home in a year. He’s busy with training since they have games almost every weekend,” Minho answered.

Jisung stayed silent as Minho said this. Changbin, the way that Changbin is, caught on right away and pointed it out.

“What’s up?”

“He hasn’t been here for Seungmin at all,” Jisung said begrudgingly. “I’m starting to hate him for that.”

Minho pursed his lips. He thought differently. Hyunjin and Seungmin had both been very passionate about the path that they wanted to take after graduation. They were his friends and he respected both of their choices. He could see that they were realizing the realities that came with it. He explained this to Jisung many times over, but Jisung was adamant. The only thing that mattered to him was how Seungmin had been. And he had not been okay for a while now.

Their conversation was cut short by the sound of a crash from the corner of the cafe. They immediately looked up to see what had caused it.

Seungmin was lying on the floor, unconscious.

The three of them immediately rushed to his side. Minho quickly brought out his phone to call for the healers from the island’s hospital. Changbin and Jisung checked to see Seungmin’s condition.

His lips had no color on them and his skin was icy. His neck and face were damp from cold sweat.

It took 10 minutes for the healers to get to where they were.

Seungmin was immediately brought to the hospital to recuperate. He woke up an hour later, his 3 friends close by his side.

The healers said that it was due to exhaustion. He had been pushing himself too hard these past few months. All of the stress had finally caught up to him.

While Changbin and Minho chatted with the healers for Seungmin’s treatment, Seungmin pulled Jisung aside.

Jisung held Seungmin’s fingers tightly in his own hands. He was still shaking from the incident. He was extremely worried for his best friend.

“Jisung, don’t tell him,” Seungmin managed to say, despite his weak voice.

“What?” Jisung said, giving him a questioning look.

“Don’t tell Hyunjin. He has an important match this weekend. I don’t want him to worry.”

“Why?” Jisung said, very close to raising his voice. He was angry and sad all at the same time. The anger was winning him over.

“I’ll be fine after a weekend off. Just keep this between the 4 of us,” Seungmin reassured.

Jisung nodded, although he didn’t want to. He agreed in front of Seungmin, but he did the contrary. That night, once Seungmin had fallen asleep, he went out into the hallway and brought out his phone.

He called Hyunjin and let it ring for some time.

No answer.

He called again and allowed it to ring until the operator spoke.

He called Hyunjin again and again, and each time, no one answered.

Exasperated, he typed out a message and sent it to Hyunjin. He said that it was urgent and that he should call back as soon as possible.

Hyunjin did call him back. But it was 3 days later and Seungmin was already fine.

Jisung didn’t answer.

—------

This clash with Hyunjin was 4 years too late. It was a storm that had been brewing in Jisung’s mind for a while now.

It was inevitable. It was bound to break out sooner or later.

Jisung had never had the chance to lash out at Hyunjin for that incident. He never spoke of it but it had always remained at the back of his mind. Here and now, he remembered what he felt that night.

It was the same bitter taste from his memory.

Chapter Text

Does Seungmin remind you of the pain of the accident? Or did the accident remind you of the pain of losing Seungmin?

Hyunjin was transported instantly back to his room in Yellow Wood, these words still ringing in his ears. He dropped the portkey on his bed and left the room, shutting the door loudly behind him. He resolved to go outside because he felt like he was going to go crazy being alone with his thoughts.

Jisung’s words had reverberated through him. He didn’t know what to do with them. He didn’t know how to answer that question. He was well aware of the pain that he felt now, but where was all of this hurt really coming from?

He walked around the school grounds in a daze, without any sense of direction. He was so lost in his own mind that he didn’t hear right away when someone approached him.

“Hyunjin?”

Hyunjin looked up. Felix was in front of him with a worried expression on his face and a broom in his hand.

“Are you okay?”

Hyunjin shook it off and feigned a smile, “I’m fine.”

He had been saying those words a lot and not meaning a single syllable of it.

Felix stared at him with a concerned look, unconvinced. Even then, he didn’t push it further.

“The rest of the guys and I are going to practice flying. Do you want to join us? I was actually looking for you just now,” Felix said, mustering an encouraging smile.

With those words, Hyunjin felt the knot in his chest undo itself. To him, Quidditch was a quick-fix balm for everything.

“I’ll go change and grab my broom. I’ll meet you guys in the field,” Hyunjin answered.

“Great! See you there.”

—---------

Quidditch really could fix everything, albeit momentarily. Up in the air, Hyunjin felt like he had no troubles at all.

It was just him and his broom. Nothing else.

That, and Felix’s enthusiastic cheering and shouting in the background. He and the other guys were messing around and chasing each other. They whizzed past Hyunjin every now and then. He opted to just hover and watch them for now. They were all taking it easy today. It was just some relaxed free-flying. No snitch, no bludgers, and no quaffles in sight.

Hyunjin happened to glance in the direction of the boisterous laughter when he noticed Felix. He had nearly forgotten that he was a metamorphmagus. When they met at the banquet, his hair was jet black. Today, it was a light blond, matching the glint of the sunlight. With the wind in his golden hair like that, it reminded Hyunjin of how he must have looked like in the past.

Actually, Felix had always been pretty. While Hyunjin’s visuals were the type that struck you from the get-go, Felix’s was the sort that made you want to take a second glance. He had a unique face that you wanted to understand—How those mix of features could come together so beautifully and seamlessly like that. He was quite popular back then, especially in their last year at Yellow Wood right when he became Head Boy in Chris’ place. He probably would have been Yellow Wood’s golden boy if Hyunjin hadn’t taken that title for himself.

Hyunjin looked away. The image reminded him too much of what he had lost.

With that, the hours passed them by. Hyunjin didn’t know how long they had been on the field. Time made itself known to him only when the sky slowly turned into a pinkish hue. He was used to the feeling of losing himself in the breeze and the altitude. One by one, the other guys flew towards the grass below and dismounted their brooms. Pretty soon, only Felix and Hyunjin were left in the Quidditch field.

“Are you doing anything after this?” Felix asked as they fixed their gear and prepared to leave. By this time, the sun had already set.

“Not really. Why?”

“Jeongin and I are meeting up after this for some drinks. Do you want to join us?”

Jeongin.

He figured that Felix and Jeongin would’ve formed a close bond in their last year at Yellow Wood. Jeongin became the Head Boy when Minho graduated. It was Felix, Jeongin, and Seungmin, who filled in the mold that Chris, Minho, and Changbin left as Head Boys.
Hyunjin considered this proposal for a moment. There shouldn’t be any issues. He and Jeongin had been close back then. They were roommates too. In fact, Minho, Jeongin, and him had been inseparable up until their 6th year. In their 7th year, Hyunjin found himself hanging out more with the Star boys, while Jeongin seemed to have developed a friendship with Felix. Neither of them wanted to play third-wheel to the campus couples.

“Sure. I’ll come with you.”

“Great. Meet you by the entrance in half an hour?”

“Okay.”

For a second time that day, Felix managed to coax Hyunjin out of his lonesomeness. His night was booked. After everything that had happened today, Hyunjin could only say yes. He badly needed an escape.

—----------

Felix brought Hyunjin to a hole in the wall bar on the island. This place hadn’t been here when they were in school. At least it seemed like it. Hyunjin looked around and it didn’t look like the sort of place that students would go to. It wouldn’t be surprising if this was charmed in some way to conceal it from the younger crowd.

Felix led him to the seats right in front of the bartender. He signaled for the bartender to make them two drinks. Hyunjin wasn’t even paying attention as to what type of drink he ordered. Anything will do.

“Jeongin’s going to be a little late. He got caught up at work last minute.”

Jeongin’s family owned a bakeshop on the island. It looked like he took an active part in the family business after graduating.

That left Hyunjin and Felix with some one-on-one time.

“So what’s up with you? You scared me with how pale you looked earlier.”

Hyunjin wasn’t sure if Felix was the right person to divulge all of this to. But right now, Hyunjin felt like he really had no one to lean on. Jisung was on Seungmin’s side. Minho was on Jisung’s side. If not Felix, he didn’t have anyone at all on this island. To have no friends at all was a lonely place to be in.

“Jisung and I fought.”

That was one way to start.

Just then, their drinks arrived. Hyunjin took a sip hastily. It was only one sip but it made it easier to speak up. This might’ve been the first time that he was willing to talk about his problems with someone. In the past few years, he didn’t have the heart to reach out to Minho or Jisung. They were just too close to the issue. Meanwhile, his Quidditch teammates were too far detached from it. Felix, on the other hand, was neither too close nor too far to the situation. He might just be the perfect person to confide his story too.

The truth was, Hyunjin was more bothered about being alone than he let on.

He faced Felix and recounted the events of last night and this morning. He told him about his brief exchange with Seungmin, his conversation with Minho, and his tense argument with Jisung.

“He’s mad at you because of what you said to Seungmin?” Felix asked, no prodding at all in his tone.

Hyunjin nodded. He eventually told him about the question that Jisung threw at him.

Does Seungmin remind you of the pain of the accident? Or did the accident remind you of the pain of losing Seungmin?

Felix was silent for a second.

“Well? Is it about Seungmin?”

Hyunjin took another sip of his drink.

“I think I wouldn’t be drinking with you now if I knew the answer to that.”

Felix considered him for a moment.

“You know, I was shocked when I heard that you two had broken things off. No one would’ve thought that something like that could end. You looked so happy together.”

“We were,” Hyunjin replied.

They truly were.

After graduation, he and Seungmin decided to rent an apartment together. That year they spent living in that modest one-bedroom apartment had been like a dream. Seungmin was new at his job at the Ministry and Hyunjin was a struggling would-be professional athlete, trying to get signed by a Quidditch team. They were short on money, but big on hope. Most days, they came home exhausted from work and try-outs, but they were never so tired that they would miss out on dinners together. Hyunjin would usually come home earlier and cook the meal. Seungmin would arrive later on and share his stories from the Ministry. They would turn in early during weekdays, waking up in each other’s arms the next day. Seungmin would of course rise first and then would rouse awake a sleepy Hyunjin.

Things were simple back then, but they were satisfied. That time, they never ran out of time and patience and love for each other.

It was only when Hyunjin had finally joined the national team that things began to change. They saw each other less and less. Their schedules no longer aligned. Seungmin also got busier at work. They were stressed out and tired most days. There was barely any space for dinners and stories.

They had suddenly awoken from the dream and were thrust back into the reality of the big and cruel world.

And then, the other shoe dropped.

“These past 3 years, I had successfully learned to outgrow the anger and regret of that time. But now that I see him, I feel as if everything happened yesterday. I don’t understand why,” Hyunjin said, frustrated.

“Hmm, have you ever tried moving on? I bet that there are many who would willingly take you and your heart in, no matter how broken you think they are.”

Hyunjin thought of the past 3 years. He tried several times to look at other people, but none of them really stuck with him. No one was memorable. No one had affected him the same way that Seungmin had. That much he could admit to himself.

Hyunjin scoffed, “Would you?”

He didn’t hear Felix’s answer as he downed another glass. Whatever this drink was, it tasted magical to his tongue. It was exactly what he needed so that he could forget.

“6 months ago, I suffered the worst fall of my life. I lost everything because of that injury. But here I am now, worrying about something that I had lost a long time ago. Something I thought I had forgotten—Something I should’ve forgotten already. It doesn’t make sense,” Hyunjin said, the words spilled out of his mouth the way the alcohol spilled to his lips. It felt good to say these things out loud.

Felix watched him.

“When we get back to school, I’ll show you a place that I run to when I want to get my mind off things,” Felix said.

“Is it very stressful being a Quidditch professor?” Hyunjin asked with a grin on his face.

“Oh you have no idea. The kids drive me crazy,” Felix said, touching a hand to his temple.

They laughed. Hyunjin felt that he had finally found someone he could trust in this lonely place.

“It’s always good to have a place you can run to when things get overwhelming.”

Maybe he had finally found just that.

—--------

It was an hour later when a little fennec fox walked into the bar and joined the two of them. Jeongin was very different compared to the last time Hyunjin had seen him. He had always viewed him like an adorable younger brother, despite being in the same year. But the person that stood in front of him now was a tall and built man.

The three of them spent the night well, catching up and sharing stories from the past and the present. Hyunjin felt right at home with Jeongin and Felix. It was easy with them since they felt familiar, but not too familiar to know everything that he wished to escape. It was exactly the level of friendship and familiarity that he needed right now.

Jeongin didn’t stay too long because he had to get up early the next morning for work. They promised to meet up at the same time and in the same place the following weekend.

Pretty soon, it was time for Hyunjin and Felix to get back to Yellow Wood.

“You said you were going to show me something,” Hyunjin said as he and Felix crossed the gates and entered the campus.

Felix turned towards him and smiled.

“I remember, don’t worry. Follow me.”

Felix led him towards the main building, where the students would usually have their classes. This was actually the first time that Hyunjin was stepping into this part of the campus since he came back. At first, he wasn’t sure where exactly Felix was leading him to, but then when he saw more and more shades of green in the hallways, he instantly knew where they were.

They were in the House of Wind.

Hyunjin didn’t really have a lot of opportunity to go to this part of the campus in the past. When he was a Prefect, he wasn’t all that close to Chris and Felix. The two were friendly and approachable, but outside of their activities as a group, they always seemed to be busy with other things. Whenever the trio from Night and the trio from Stars invited them for dinner, they always had an excuse not to go. Even when Chris had already graduated, they did reach out to Felix, but he always had the same polite, negative response.

Hyunjin followed Felix silently, until they stopped in front of a wall.

“A deadend?” Hyunjin asked.

“Watch,” Felix said, bringing out his wand and tapping it twice on the inconspicuous patch of concrete.

What looked like a huge shadow began to make itself known in front of them. The shadow seemed to get bigger, getting more apparent as they watched. The shadow formed an arc. Gradually, the arc became a door.

“Welcome to the Back Door,” Felix said, turning the knob that had not been there when they first stood here.

Hyunjin had lived around magical things his whole life, but every now and then, he still found himself amazed. He had been to both the Star archives and the Night archives, and the contrast was immediately apparent. Star was full of books and scrolls, while Night was lined with spoils of war.

On the other hand, the Wind archives was something else entirely. They stepped into this room and what welcomed him was—magic. That was the only word that he could come up with. He was speechless. There were magical contraptions and enchanted gadgets in every fathomable space of the room. He didn’t have any other word in his vocabulary that could encapsulate what his eyes were seeing.

“Wow.”

Beside him, Felix smiled with pride painted across his face. He was expecting this sort of reaction.

“This is the very heart of the House of Wind. Typically, only Wind students are allowed here, but since you’re a teacher now, you get a free pass.”

“What is all of this?” Hyunjin asked, his eyes wide with disbelief.

“As Wind students, we’re best at creating something out of nothing. Before we graduate, we all aspire to contribute a new invention to this room. What you’re seeing now is years and years of that.”

Hyunjin began to understand why Chris and Felix were always caught up back then. They must have been tinkering around trying to come up with something for this room.

His gaze trailed and traveled the room, not staying in one place for too long. When he thought that he had been focused on one thing, another caught his eye. He couldn’t even explain what any of it was. If he was looking for a distraction, this was the best place to get distracted.

Once the initial shock had calmed down, Hyunjin turned to Felix.

“Which one’s yours?” He asked.

Felix pointed towards one corner of the room, as if he knew he was going to be asked that question.

“That one.”

Hyunjin looked in the direction he was pointing. Felix made his way to the device and he followed suit.

Hyunjin couldn’t tell what it was right away. Whatever was inside was concealed with a piece of silk.

Felix drew the cloth off and revealed what looked like an old Ipod encased in glass panels. Hyunjin stared at the little gadget. It was inconspicuous, save for the fact that it was very rare to see anyone carrying one these days. Other than that, it looked like a normal object.

“This is the Mixtape.”

“What does it do?” Hyunjin said, studying the device through the protective glass.

“You know how songs have this power to take you to a different time and place? I was inspired by that concept,” Felix said with a dewy eyed look on his face and sense of pride in his tone.

“With one song, the mixtape takes you to a different version of reality. Parallel universes, if you will.”

“How does that work? You can’t possibly create parallel universes out of thin air.” Hyunjin asked curiously.

“Well, I’m not the one creating them. It’s you, the listener. Your body stays in your version of reality, but it’s your mind that creates another version for you.”

Hyunjin surveyed the gadget in front of him.

“It’s just like dreaming,” Hyunjin said.

“Exactly,” Felix affirmed. “Aren’t dreams just another life? When we dream, everything feels real because in that moment, it is.”

“What about time then?”

“You’re asking the right questions,” Felix remarked with a smile, as if he was a teacher and Hyunjin was a student.

“Time will run differently. A full day in that world could just be a single second in this one.”

Of course, normal laws of nature didn’t apply to the wizarding world. But Hyunjin still didn’t know what to say. He had been born and raised as a wizard, but there were still many things that he didn’t know.

“Amazing, right?” Felix remarked, noticing the disbelief in Hyunjin’s face.

Hyunjin instinctively reached out towards the device. He somehow felt a tug of curiosity towards it. His body had moved before he could consider what he was doing.

At that moment, Felix covered it with the silk cloth that he had been holding.

“Careful there. Playing with parallel universes and alternative realities is dangerous,” Felix warned lightly. He masked the caution with a gentle smile.

“It’s easy to get lost in all of it. Dabble in it too much and you run the risk of not being able to tell which reality is yours.”

Felix watched Hyunjin as he said this. The spark of interest in the latter’s face was undeniable.

“Anyway, that’s it for me. You can come here anytime you want, with just one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“Promise me that you won’t use any of these objects. Some of them could lead to dire consequences."

Felix said this mildly, but there was seriousness behind his tone.

“Promise.”

—-----

Felix wondered if Hyunjin would be able to keep that promise.

He could tell that the Mixtape had tickled Hyunjin’s interest. Felix would be lying if he said that it didn’t spark his own interest.

The truth was, one of the reasons why Felix decided to come back to Yellow Wood was to go back to this room. While Chris had ventured out into the world to explore new things, Felix wanted to stay and work on the things that were already there, within reach.

Teaching Quidditch was a joy to him, but it was also a front. He was here for this curious room. He was here because of his curious heart.

He had always wondered about the capabilities of the things that he and the students before him had created. If they were all just left in this room for display, what was the use of all that time and turmoil?

It was his own desire as an inventor. He wanted to believe that there was more to his ideas. That it could help people. That it could heal hearts.

The Mixtape, for one.

He had tried and tested it himself several times before. But he had always wondered what would happen if someone else used it.

Maybe that was why he impulsively brought Hyunjin to this place. He wasn’t meaning to. But after hearing more of his story, he wondered if there was something more he could do. In the same way Hyunjin wanted someone to take him away from the loneliness of his own world, Felix likewise wanted someone to step into the madness of his.

He pondered on the choices he made.

Regardless, the choice would be Hyunjin’s in the end. He had warned him already. It was up to him whether to listen or not.

Chapter Text

Hyunjin knew that he shouldn’t, but he simply couldn’t stop thinking about it.

It had been hours since he and Felix had separated and retired in their own rooms, but Hyunjin was still thinking about the Back Door. Particularly, the magical object that Felix had just shown him.

The Mixtape.

Felix had already warned him not to use any of the objects there. Was he really going to betray that friendship on the first night all for his own selfishness?

His mind and conscience fought hard, screaming these thoughts.

But the pain and emptiness inside of him was deafening.

He just really had this strong compulsion to run away. In this place, he was haunted by the past, suffocated by the present, and terrified of the future. In the world he was in now, there was no place he could fully and completely breathe. The afternoon with Felix was indeed a breather, but these things were always going to be with him. It was a shadow that was constantly following him. And he hadn’t yet gained the strength to accept that it was inescapable.

But what if there was another reality out there where none of this existed?

He yearned to know how that would feel. To be a Hyunjin that never loved, that never lost, that never had to linger on all that he had loved and lost.

He just wanted to remember the feeling of being free. And maybe, he would find a way to live on knowing that was waiting on the other side.

Something told him that the Mixtape was an answer to all of that. Maybe it wouldn’t give him everything he was seeking, but at least some part of it, he would be able to uncover. If Felix ever confronted him about it later on, then he would just deny it. If he got caught, then he would surrender. If he lost another friend along the way, what did it matter? He was already familiar with the feeling.

And so he decided.

He was going to return to the Back Door for the Mixtape.

————

When Hyunjin stepped out of his room, it was already deep into the night and the rest of Yellow Wood was fast asleep.

He gingerly crossed the field from the teachers' quarters to the student grounds. From there, it was easy enough to navigate his way to the House of Wind. Soon enough, he was in the hallway where Felix had just taken him just hours ago.

When he got to the supposed dead-end, he brought out his wand and tapped the wall twice. It didn't take too long for the Back Door to materialize in front of him.

Now, all he had to do was open the door and walk inside.

Hyunjin felt nervous as he pushed the knob and crossed the threshold. This time, the different gadgets no longer distracted him. He was here only for one thing.

He walked towards the familiar glass panels concealed by a piece of silk. With a flick of his wand, the cloth fell to the floor and revealed the Mixtape.

With clammy hands, he took it from its case and hid it in his robe. He flicked the wand once more and the silk fell back into its place. If Felix never checks to see the device, he would never even notice that it was missing.

Hyunjin didn't linger. He walked towards the exit and tapped his wand against the wall so that the door would once more transform into an inconspicuous concrete wall. He turned on his heel and didn't look back until he was past the grounds and safe inside his room.

There. Done.

He had really done it. He had the Mixtape in his possession.

Now, the only question was how this was going to work. Felix didn't exactly explain how to enter these so-called parallel universes or how to leave them.

But did it really matter? Hyunjin had no fear at this point. This was the ultimate escape. He was willing to do anything. Anything to get away from this pain even for just a little while. He was just going to have to find out on his own.

Hyunjin looked at the music player in his hand. Now that he was holding it, it really did feel ordinary. There was no telling that this was a magical object.

Since it looked like an iPod, it was bound to work like one. He took his earphones from his bedside table and attached them to the device. He pushed the button and the screen lit up. Right away, several songs were on the Mixtape's playlist.

Hyunjin didn't know if it mattered which song he chose, so he decided to just go with 'shuffle.'

"Well, here goes."

He settled himself on the bed then pushed the button to start the song.

Right away, a melancholic ballad filled his ears. It affected him in some way, almost as if he wanted to cry. The lyrics spoke of a hopeless love, one wherein there was no other option but to walk away and let go.

If this was supposed to be an escape, why did it feel like it was pulling him deeper into his pain?

But just when the song was about to reach the end of the verse, Hyunjin felt his eyelids getting heavy. He was slowly dozing off. He strained to keep his eyes open, but there was no stopping the feeling of slumber.

Sure enough, Hyunjin fell asleep.

—--------

Hyunjin woke up to the sound of a thud.

He felt around and he no longer had his earphones on. They probably slipped off while he was in bed. He couldn't even recall what song was playing before he fell asleep.

"I guess it didn't work," he muttered to himself.

"What didn't work?"

Hyunjin was startled by the sound of a voice beside him. It roused him into complete consciousness. He sat up.

That was when he noticed that he wasn't in his bedroom.

He was inside what seemed like a bus full of students. He was in the seat right next to the window and the person beside him was Felix.

No, not the current Felix. A version that was a few years younger. This is how he looked back in their school days.

Hyunjin faced the glass window and that was when he saw that the reflection that was looking back at him was his younger self. Except he had dark hair. He faced Felix and so did he. It was very unlike his vibrant hairstyles from the past.

Hyunjin instinctively reached inside his pocket for his wand. Whenever he felt apprehension, it was his impulse to do so.

There was none.

"What's wrong?" 'Felix' asked.

That was when Hyunjin began to notice more things around him.

The other students that surrounded them inside the bus were all wearing casual clothes. There was no sign of uniforms similar to the ones they wore in Yellow Wood. He assumed they were students because everyone was pretty young. It also seemed like they all knew each other.

But more importantly, it didn't look like these people were wizards at all.

Most importantly, it didn't look like Hyunjin was one either.

So it did work.

Whatever this was, Hyunjin wasn't unwilling to play along. This is what he wanted after all. He was just going to have to roll with the punches.

"Where are we going?" Hyunjin asked the boy who looked like Felix. He was likely named Felix too.

"Do you have short-term memory loss? We’re on our way back to school," Felix scoffed at him.

Hyunjin feigned a laugh.

"I'm kidding. I mean, where are we now?"

"We're about half an hour away. You can sleep a bit more if you want to. It looked like you were sleeping pretty well the whole way. We’ve had a full day after all."

Hyunjin had no idea what Felix was talking about but judging from his words and the mood of the other students, he just assumed that they just came from a school trip.

He shook his head.

"No, it's fine. I'm all good now."

He leaned on the glass window, appearing to look like he was just watching the view outside, but there were actually many thoughts racing through his mind. It made it easier to think because it didn’t seem like Felix was up for any conversation. They were both silent the rest of the ride.

If there was no magic in this place, then there was no Quidditch. Did that mean that there was no Seungmin too?

A part of him was afraid to scan the crowd for people he knew. Felix was here so he was bound to meet the others too. He kept his gaze on the trees and fields of grass that passed them by.

This world was unlike the world he was just in. Even if the faces of the people were familiar, they were different people altogether. There was no tainted history. There were no strained relationships.

That was the point of all of this. He had to remind himself of that. All he had to do was play this role.

—--------

At some point, the bus finally came to a stop. Like Felix said, their destination was back to the school campus. By now, the sun was just about to set.

"Alright everyone, time to go."

Hyunjin turned towards the sound of that familiar voice.

This came from a student who looked like Chris. Even in this reality, he was still the leader-type.

“Hey, let’s go.”

Felix was already starting to collect his bag, but Hyunjin was still in a bit of a daze in his seat.

“You go on ahead.”

“Suit yourself,” Felix said, grabbing his things and making his way towards the exit.

This Felix was definitely less chirpy than the one he knew. If Felix never smiled, this was exactly the sort of energy that he would exude.

Cold.

Hyunjin waited a bit more for the other students to clear out the bus. He was still in the process of taking it all in so he needed some time for himself. He was trying his best not to get overwhelmed.

When there was finally ample space to move, he stood up to get his bag from the compartment above.

He thought that he had been the only one left, but then he looked around. Someone was still at the back of the bus.

There, at the corner most seat, still sleeping soundly, was none other than Kim Seungmin.

He instantly regretted dilly-dallying and not leaving with the cold Felix.

But no, this wasn’t his Seungmin. He had to remind himself of that. This person only had his face. That was where the similarities stopped.

Right now, they were the only ones inside the bus. He could just leave him there, but he somehow felt obligated to be the one to wake him up.

He wore his backpack on his shoulders and gingerly made his way to the back of the bus.

“Hey.”

There was no response from ‘Seungmin.’ Hyunjin noticed that he had his earphones on.

“Hey,” Hyunjin called out again, even if he knew that it was futile. He wouldn’t hear anyway.

With some reluctance, he finally reached out to touch Seungmin’s shoulder. He shook him gently, but with just enough force to rouse him awake.

It was at this point that the other boy fluttered his eyes open.

Seungmin seemed to realize where he was.

“Hyunjin?” Seungmin said, looking up.

For a second, Hyunjin thought that there was some recognition in his eyes. As if this was the Seungmin he knew. The one he once loved.

But that was impossible. He likely just imagined it. In this world, Seungmin was looking at a different version of Hyunjin, and Hyunjin was looking at a different version of Seungmin. Neither of them were the people they believed the other to be.

“It’s time to go. Everyone left already,” Hyunjin said nonchalantly. Since Seungmin was awake now, Hyunjin turned to leave.

“Hyunjin,” Seungmin called to him.

He turned around at the sound of his name. Again, there was a sense of familiarity in the tone. And when he finally glanced back, the familiarity was even stronger.

Both Hyunjin and Felix looked distinct from the versions of themselves in the real world. Felix was not a metamorphmagus. Hyunjin’s golden hair was gone. There was no magic. There was no Quidditch. Hyunjin was far from being the golden boy here.

But as for Seungmin, it was different. Rather, he looked exactly the same. The dark hair. His soft gaze. His warm voice.

The boy in front of him was a picture perfect memory of the past.

If there were any changes at all, he couldn’t tell. To his eyes now, this was his Seungmin, clear as day.

Even in this reality, he couldn’t easily escape him.

“Thank you,” Seungmin said.

“It’s nothing,” Hyunjin muttered, looking away and walking further down the aisle as soon as the words were out of his mouth. He desperately needed to create more distance between the two of them.

Even here. Even here, he couldn’t completely run away.

As Hyunjin was on his way to the exit, another student came rushing back in.

Hyunjin felt like a ghost to this person. He didn’t even spare him a glance as he rushed towards the back of the bus. He only had eyes for one.

"Seungmin," this student called out.

Without the need to turn back, Hyunjin could recognize right away who this was from the sound of his voice alone.

Lee Minho.

"Sorry, I had to speak to someone outside. At least you're awake now," Hyunjin overheard Minho telling Seungmin.

"You were sound asleep, I couldn't bear to wake you."

It was a doting tone. Very much unlike the type of tone the real Minho would use on the real Seungmin. Hyunjin had only ever heard him use that warm tone on one person.

Jisung.

This gave him an ominous feeling.

Hyunjin hurried towards the exit, but he couldn't help himself. He made the mistake of giving the two of them one last look.

Right at that moment, he caught sight of Minho taking Seungmin's hand and clasping it with his own. There was no sign of any protest from Seungmin.

Hyunjin got away from there as fast as he could.

___________

1 year after the break up

The day was turning out like any other day for Lee Minho. That morning, he had an early breakfast with Jisung right before they opened the coffee shop. Naturally, the morning was busy because of the early risers who desperately needed their dose of caffeine. Things slowed down a bit at around noon and that was when he and Jisung had their lunch at the back kitchen.

That was how their day typically went. And he loved every second of it. He very much liked the normal humdrum of their life and he wanted to keep it that way forever and always.

A little after lunch, they both found out that they had some missing ingredients in their stockroom. And so in the afternoon, Minho was sent out for errands to get the items they needed. Jisung stayed behind to keep the business going.

It was right after he had done his shopping that things started to feel less than normal.

It began with a phone call. It was from someone who usually wouldn't reach out to him at all.

Kim Seungmin.

He and Seungmin had an amiable relationship with each other at this point. Him, Jisung, Seungmin, and Hyunjin had been inseparable back then. Regardless, there was still some inevitable distance between the two of them. If Kim Seungmin ever needed him for anything, he would always go to Jisung first. Not Minho directly.

Minho answered the call, already sensing that this wasn't going to be good news.

"Minho, please help me."

Seungmin's voice sounded desperate at the other end of the line. It was a tone that he did not hear from him often. This guy had always presented himself as strong and stable, at least to Minho. His only moment of weakness was when he was sick. He had seen him sad, but he had never even seen him cry. Not even after the break up.

"What happened?" Minho asked, concerned.

Seungmin sniffled. It took him some time before he spoke again.

"It's Hyunjin. He's in our old apartment. I don't know what to do."

"Are you there now? I'll apparate."

He and Seungmin agreed to meet. Minho first made sure that the items he bought were safe. He messaged Jisung and said that he was going to be late. He was going to have to make up an excuse later on. With Jisung, a conversation about Hyunjin never ended well.

Once everything was settled, he made his way to the old apartment.

This apartment was memorable not just for the couple who had lived in it, but also for Jisung and Minho. When things had been good, they often visited Seungmin and Hyunjin. When things had gone bad, they kept Seungmin company. And when things had ended, they were the ones who helped Seungmin move out.

When he finally got there, the door was open. He found Seungmin leaning against the wall nearest to the door, slumped in a dejected position, his hands covering his face. His posture just screamed despair. He didn’t even look up when Minho arrived.

It didn't hit him right away but pretty soon, Minho smelled alcohol in the air.

"Did you drink?"

Seungmin shook his head, hands unmoving from his face.

"He did," Seungmin said in a quiet voice, gesturing towards the space beside him.

Minho had been wondering where the other person was. He didn't notice when he walked in, but just a few feet beside Seungmin, was an unconscious Hwang Hyunjin lying down on his back, clearly heavily inebriated. An empty bottle of alcohol laid there right next to him like it was his only friend.

"Our old neighbors called. He barged into the building and made a scene. They said that he was looking for me," Seungmin explained, finally looking up to face Minho.

His eyes were red. He had been crying.

"When I got here, he'd already passed out. I'm sorry for calling, but I didn't know what else to do,” Seungmin said, his tone a desperate plea.

Minho understood the situation right away.

"I'll take care of this, Seungmin. You can go if you want."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Seungmin sobbed, covering his face once more. It wasn't clear whether this apology was meant for Minho or for Hyunjin.

"It's okay," Minho reassured, kneeling beside Seungmin. "Don't worry about this anymore."

With Minho's presence, Seungmin was starting to gain back his composure. Minho helped him get up from where he had been sitting.

"Please don’t tell him I was here. I think it will just make things worse if he finds out."

Minho knew that Seungmin meant Hyunjin.

"I know. I won't tell him."

Seungmin turned to leave.

"Seungmin, why don't you want him to see you?" Minho asked.

Seungmin stopped, but didn't let Minho see the expression on his face.

"If he sees me, I'm afraid that I would never get myself to leave," he said before he walked away.

It was then that Minho realized that Seungmin's show of strength the past year was a mere facade. He could laugh and he could joke around with him and Jisung. He could happily talk about the things he did and the things he loved to do. But underneath all of that, he was still hurting too.

—

"Hyunjin, I'm here," the familiar voice said.

Hyunjin resigned himself to the pair of arms that cradled him. He was starting to lose a grip on himself at that point, desperately clinging onto the familiar warmth, desperately clinging so that it wouldn't disappear from his reach again.

But inevitably, the alcohol consumed his senses. Soon after, everything was gone.

He would never be certain whether it was all a dream or a reality. By the time he regained consciousness, he had already forgotten the sound of the desperate voice and the tight embrace that surrounded him.

Hyunjin woke up a few hours later with a very bad headache. He sat up to see where he was. His last memory was lying down on the cold hard floor, but now, he was tucked in bed in what appeared to be an opulent-looking hotel room.

"Look who's finally awake."

Minho was there with him, sitting casually on the chair by the window. The expression on his face was anything but casual.

It was an expression of pure disdain.

Hyunjin had hazy memories of the evening that had just passed.

A large bottle of alcohol. Apparating. Looking for the familiar building. Running to a particular door. Knocking frantically. Calling out that person's name. Walking into an empty apartment. And just breaking.

It broke him.

It was the first time he had been close to home in years and somehow the circumstances led up to this. He wondered why he was even here.

"You've really let go of yourself this time. We haven't seen each other in over a year and this is how I find you. What the heck were you doing, Hwang Hyunjin?"

Hyunjin had never heard that tone from Minho before. He was only either calm or nonchalant. This time around, there was a coldness in the tenor of his voice that shook Hyunjin sober.

"You can't just do things like that. Don't you have any shame?"

Hyunjin didn't know what to say so he stayed silent.

"What if the neighbors didn't call me right away? What would you have done? Wait for the police to collect you?"

Still, Hyunjin didn't open his mouth to argue. He was wrong on all fronts, he knew that. It was this moment that Hyunjin was reminded of the fact that Minho was his senior.

"Please don't let something like this happen again."

It was only then that Minho's voice returned to its usual, more gentler tone.

"I booked this room for you for the rest of the night. Rest until you're ready to move again."

Minho got up to leave.

"I'll pay you back," Hyunjin called out.

Minho faced him briefly, "You don't need to. Just don't let me catch you like this a second time."

Minho made his way to the door. He carried the tension with him in his strides. The only sounds that could be heard from the room were each of his steps. Hyunjin waited for him to leave with bated breath.

But as Minho was about to cross the threshold, he stopped.

"He's managing well."

"What?"

"I know you didn't ask but I'm telling you anyway," Minho said, turning back to look at Hyunjin.

"Kim Seungmin is trying to live his life well so I hope you can too, Hyunjin."

Hyunjin was back to being silent. He covered himself with the blanket and turned away from Minho.

"I don't believe you would ever want to see him in the state I found you in. And despite what you think, you know that he would never want to see you like this."

"I don't care what he thinks,” Hyunjin retorted.

Minho sighed.

"Prove it then. Live well, and prove it."

With those words, Minho left and closed the door behind him.

Chapter Text

It couldn't be. It couldn't be.

And yet it was.

Hyunjin saw it with his own two eyes.

Minho and Seungmin.

Hyunjin thought that he was prepared for anything this reality could throw at him, but he didn't brace himself for this. He debated on what shook him more. The fact that it was Minho or the fact that Seungmin was with someone else at all.

Hyunjin was well aware of the possibility that Seungmin would eventually find someone he loved. He just didn’t like thinking about it. Back at home, maybe that had already happened even. He just didn’t know it. He didn’t want to. With what he saw earlier, he was suddenly confronted with the reality that Seungmin must’ve lived a full life in the past 3 years that they were apart. Just as he did. He must have had new experiences, visited new places, and met new people.

That was a world that Hyunjin knew nothing about.

The fact was, what did he really know of the real Seungmin now? All that remained with him were memories. The only piece that he had of him was the past.

Seungmin, whether in the real world or this one, was no longer his Seungmin. His version of Seungmin was nothing but a memory.

He couldn’t hold him to anything. He couldn’t have expectations or assumptions. He couldn’t claim to know anything. Because the fact is, most of what he knew was outdated and probably no longer true. The things Seungmin liked before, maybe he didn’t like them anymore. The things that Hyunjin thought he knew had probably changed over time. All they have between them is their shared, broken past. In the present, they were as good as strangers to each other.

It seemed like the Seungmin here and the Seungmin there had much in common, after all.

None of this is real. My broken heart, my broken self, my broken dreams. None of that exists here. So just take things as they are and play along. This is my escape from the real world and I’m going to have fun with it.

Hyunjin reminded himself of all of this.

So many people desire to escape their realities and to wake up in different timelines, different worlds, different narratives. Yet they couldn’t. But because Hyunjin grew up with magic, this was all possible. And so he decided that he should make the most out of it.

This became his resolve as he made his way towards the campus. He was going to suspend his disbelief for a moment, just as he would in a cinema. Everything here – the trees, the skies, the buildings, the people — was the world as the version of Hwang Hyunjin in this reality knew it. If he was going to borrow this life, even just for a moment, then he was going to do it well.

But firstly, where was he anyway? Who was this Hyunjin anyway?

He had to figure out who this Hwang Hyunjin was before he met up with Felix again. It was looking too obvious that he didn’t know anything.

Hyunjin looked up at the name on the school building. The school crest was ornate and intricate. The sign was illuminated in an elegant font.

Wolfgang College of Arts and Music

Okay, at least he knew the name of his school. Now what?

With this thought, the weight of his backpack suddenly became apparent to him. The things inside were bound to tell him what he wanted to know.

He found himself a bench to sit on. Once he had settled on one, he began rummaging through the contents of his bag.

The first thing he found was his ID card.

Hwang Hyunjin. Majoring in Traditional Art and Art Studies. 4th Year.

At the back of the ID card was a dormitory card. It also indicated his room number. A pair of keys was also dangling from the ID strap. From here, it was apparent that Wolfgang was a boarding school.

Hyunjin looked through his backpack a bit more. He found a couple of sketchbooks, an art book with some post-it notes peeking from the pages, and also some art materials. There were paintbrushes in different sizes. There were also several bottles of paint, already finished halfway. He browsed through the sketchbook and quickly discovered that this Hyunjin loved sketching and painting. There were drawings of faces and flowers. This Hyunjin was an amazing artist. His talent and passion were present in each stroke on the sketchbook.

Hyunjin grew worried for a moment. He wondered how he was going to pull this off. The closest thing to a brush that he ever touched in his life was a broom. He had never picked up a paintbrush before.

Desperate to know more about the character he was playing, Hyunjin decided to go to the best place to see what type of person he was.

His dorm room.

Hyunjin fiddled with his dormitory card to check the number. Fortunately, the dorms weren’t that hard to find since Hyunjin could see all the school buildings from the quadrangle. The dorms stood out right away for being the tallest one of them all. It looked very much like an apartment building in the city.

After fixing the contents of his backpack and zipping it up, Hyunjin made his way to the dormitory. There was only one building since this school was an all-boys college, very much like the set-up in Yellow Wood. After exploring the campus a bit more, he realized that the placement of the buildings inside the campus were also similar to Yellow Wood, except that the architecture and interior design were different. While Yellow Wood was a mix of classical and gothic, Wolfgang was more modern and minimalist. Hyunjin thought that the architect of this parallel world was likely Felix, and so it wouldn’t be surprising that he took a lot of inspiration from their own school.

When Hyunjin finally entered the dorms, he got on the elevator to get to the 8th floor. This was where his room would be. Inside the elevator, there were a few other students. They were very clearly art and music majors because one was carrying an easel, while another was hauling around a cello. By the time that the elevator stopped at the 8th floor, Hyunjin was the only one left. He quickly took note of the room number and made his way there.

When he got to the door, he touched his room key to the censor, which lit up right away. He easily made his way inside the room.

He got there and what welcomed him was a room set-up fit for two people. There were two single beds, two dressers, two drawers, two desks, and two chairs, all across from each other. There was ample space for him and his roommate’s things. It wasn’t hard to figure out which side was his because there were a couple of easels at the foot of his bed. There were also small jars of paint and paintbrushes scattered on the desk. Frankly, he didn’t look very tidy.

Meanwhile, his roommate’s side was nice and orderly. There was a guitar and a shelf full of books on his side. On the desk was a single brown notebook and an expensive looking fountain pen. Even their beds were a contrast to each other’s. His roommate’s sheets were neatly folded on top of the pillows, while Hyunjin’s bed looked the way it would’ve looked when he got up and left this morning.

Hyunjin admitted to himself that he was once this messy back in the real world too. It just so happened that someone’s character had rubbed off on him. Since he lived with Seungmin back then, he couldn’t help but adapt to and mimic how organized he was.

And so now, the first thing that Hyunjin did was clean up after himself. He folded the sheets and organized the disorder that was on his desk. After that, he worked on looking through the shelves, and the drawers.

After spending some time putting order to things, he did learn a bit more about Hwang Hyunjin. He found himself settling on his desk by the window and getting to know this new self, one sketchbook at a time.

First, he truly was a talented artist. Hyunjin discovered more of his finished pieces in several sketchbooks. It seemed like the one in his backpack was really just for practice and sketching on a whim. He was incredibly passionate about art because, not only was there quality to it, there was quantity too. Hyunjin had filled up countless notebooks and sketchbooks in his 4 years in Wolfgang, and he could see how much his technique transformed over the years. He really put in much time and effort in his craft.

Second, Hyunjin was quite simple and straightforward about his fashion sense. It seemed like his outfit mostly revolved around monochromatic pieces. The only semblance of color came from the paint stains on some of them. Even the outfit he was wearing now mostly consisted of black and white.

Third, it didn’t look like Hyunjin here kept a lot of friends. He didn’t see any pictures, mementos, or souvenirs from any event. It’s like all he had was his art. He checked his cellphone and there weren’t a lot of pictures in his gallery. There were only snapshots of his drawings. In his phone directory, there weren’t a lot of people either. His roommate was there though and he literally named him ‘Roommate.’ That didn’t give him any clue at all as to who it could be. It didn’t seem like they were that close.

His roommate, on the other hand, was a stark contrast to him. He was clearly a music major based on the guitar. As he glanced at his side of the room, his shelves were not just lined with books, but with medals and awards too. There were also figures and trinkets. Hyunjin could tell right away that they were little gifts because some of them were still in boxes and had cards on them. He seemed to be quite popular.

Hyunjin may have been the art major between the two of them, but it looked like his roommate lived a much more colorful life.

Hyunjin let out a sigh at this thought, but didn’t dwell on this for too long. He wasn’t sure how Hwang Hyunjin lived before he stepped in, but he made a silent promise to make things a little more exciting for him. This was his own escape after all.

After spending some time in the room and rummaging through everything, Hyunjin realized that he was actually quite tired. They had just come from a school trip and even before this, he had a long day back in the real world. He was starting to feel how tired he was. He wanted to rifle through more of the sketchbooks but his eyelids were starting to feel heavy. He told himself that he was just going to close his eyes and allowed himself to nap, but his slumber ended up being deeper than he realized.

—------

By the time Hyunjin came to, he found himself in a dream.

It seemed like it was one of his recurring ones. He would find himself in the most mundane of situations, the most random of places, and then Seungmin would be there.

In this dream, Seungmin was by his desk, not too far from where Hyunjin was sitting. They were facing the window and night had fallen. He could see the moon peeking from the clouds in the sky. He couldn’t see Seungmin’s face because he appeared to be busy writing things down in his journal, as he did every night. But he was certain that it was Seungmin. He knew his features and his physique like the back of his hand.

In these dreams, Hyunjin would always try to reach forward, to reach for Seungmin. And he would always call out to him, his voice saying that name in the exact way that he did before. The longing and yearning in each syllable.

And before his hand even comes into contact, the dream ends and that would be around the time Hyunjin wakes up, the sound of that name lingering in the air.

Like clockwork, that’s exactly what he did with this one.

“Seungmin,” Hyunjin said, reaching out to touch Seungmin’s shoulder.

Surprisingly, the dream didn’t play out the way he was expecting it to. He felt the softness of Seungmin’s sweater on his palm.

Seungmin turned around.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”

That voice sounded a little too real.

That’s when Hyunjin realized that this wasn’t Seungmin.

Well, it was, but it wasn’t his Seungmin.

And this wasn’t a dream. This was his reality now.

As soon as Hyunjin understood this, he pulled his arm back and got up. When he did, a blanket fell from his shoulders. That’s weird, he thought, he was certain that he folded this a while ago. He didn’t have much time to consider this thought because of what was transpiring in front of him.

It seemed like no matter what Hyunjin did, he really couldn’t avoid Kim Seungmin. Of all the students in this school, they ended up being roommates. He really should have taken a closer look at the name engraved on the awards on the shelf earlier.

This explained the look of recognition and familiarity that Seungmin gave him earlier at the bus.

Hyunjin got up from his seat and rubbed his eyes, making sure that he was truly awake now and that this wasn’t one of his dreams again.

He was certain now that it wasn’t.

“Have you been here long?” Hyunjin asked, feigning nonchalance.

“I got here a couple of hours ago,” Seungmin answered, closing his journal. “You were already fast asleep when I found you.”

“Is that so? Sorry, I guess I was tired from the trip earlier.”

Seungmin nodded, “You should go to sleep. It’s actually quite late now. And I’ll be heading to bed too.”

Hyunjin couldn’t find it in him to rest comfortably after what had just transpired. He needed some time to shake things off.

“I think I’ll take a walk. I’m actually quite hungry.”

“Do you need company?” Seungmin offered.

Hyunjin wasn’t sure what Hyunjin's dynamic with Seungmin was. But from the little clues that he got, they couldn’t have been the best of friends. In fact, they didn’t seem to have any sort of friendship at all. Seungmin was probably just being polite towards him.

“It’s okay,” Hyunjin answered. “I bet you’re tired too, so you should go to bed.”

“Alright,” Seungmin replied. His voice was devoid of any protest, but his eyes showed some hesitation.

Hyunjin got up to leave. He took a quick glance at the mirror and decided that he looked decent enough to be outside. With that, he stepped out of the room, leaving Seungmin behind him.

So this was how things were going to be. He was just going to have to take things as they come.

He thought that it would be best to keep this Seungmin at arm's length. He promised himself not to look too long or stay too close.

Seungmin, who had been his warmth and sunshine, had become for a long time now, his snow and rain. He knew well enough to guard his heart from the blizzard and the storm that this person stirred in his heart.

Chapter Text

Seungmin watched as Hyunjin walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

In that moment, the room was filled with only silence and the sound of a single, heavy sigh. There he was once more in the same position, watching Hyunjin turn his back and walk away.

Even in this universe, you want nothing to do with me

Seungmin was hit with the all too familiar feeling that this thought brought on. It was empty and yet so heavy all at once.

If he followed the voice in his heart that desperately wanted to follow Hyunjin, he would be running towards the door right now. Find him, hold him, and tell him that the person standing here was his Seungmin.

But instead, he remained frozen in place.

How could he? He didn’t have the words to even begin to explain the situation. He couldn’t understand it himself. And if Hyunjin found out that he was here, that he followed him here, he would probably end up pushing him away even further.

For now, he chose to bury his feelings and let them go. He sat still in the silence of the room, contemplating everything.

Seungmin could not fully comprehend what had transpired in the past 12 hours.

His day started out the way it usually would in Yellow Wood. Classes were about to start and so he was busy creating his lesson plans and doing research for the material that he would be teaching his students later on. That morning, he gathered his books, got ready, and went straight to the archives of the House of Stars, just like he planned.

Even after all these years, he felt safest and most at peace at the archives. Even now, he was lucky that he could enjoy the space all to himself. After all, he had only ever shared it with one other person.

It was still quite early for the people of Yellow Wood. Only the other faculty were on campus right now and most of them were not up and about until noon, especially since it was a weekend. It was looking to be a solitary morning as Seungmin treaded through the quiet, empty hallways.

As he got to the archives, he was surprised to see that someone was waiting for him.

—---

Even from afar, Seungmin could already see him. Hyunjin’s back was turned towards him, seemingly just standing there, patiently waiting. Seungmin slowly entered the room and walked past the shelves. As he got closer, Hyunjin didn’t seem to be aware that he was already there. Seungmin noticed that Hyunjin was holding onto something that looked like a mixtape in one hand. Somehow, it looked familiar. Like he had seen it somewhere before, although he couldn’t quite remember where.

As Seungmin reached him, he realized that Hyunjin had been waiting by the desk where he always sat back when they were still students.

Like muscle memory, he still remembered little things like that.

Seungmin laid his things on the table closest to the desk and it was only then that Hyunjin turned to look back at him. He blinked several times before speaking, as if he had woken up from a long dream.

Somehow, he had this inexplicable expression on his face. Like something had changed. Like he wasn’t the same person. He seemed softer and more somber in contrast to the other night, when Hyunjin had told him that he didn’t want anything to do with him.

Seungmin felt hopeful that maybe he had changed his mind about that. But on the other hand, he also felt anxious that maybe Hyunjin was just here to drive the point further. He couldn’t even fathom how, when he had made the effort to stay away these past couple of days, just as he wished.

If I had a choice, I’d rather not see you

Those words still stung him, even in his memories.

“You still go here?” Hyunjin said in a quiet voice, breaking the silence between them.

Seungmin gave him a small smile.

“All the time.”

Hyunjin seemed relieved.

“It’s good to know that some things haven’t changed,” he replied, almost as if he was speaking to himself.

“Hmm,” Seungmin thought for a bit. “Not a lot has changed about me.”

If anything at all, I’m still the same

Hyunjin chuckled, “I don’t believe that at all.”

Seungmin seemed surprised, but then Hyunjin spoke again.

“You look happier. You look brighter, Seungmin. I think you’ve made good choices and surrounded yourself with many good things and good people these past few years. I’m glad to see that.”

With these words, Seungmin felt the floodgates inside his heart burst open. Hyunjin’s tone sounded all too familiar. Like something he had been wanting to hear for a long time, but had forgotten how it was. The other night, Hyunjin had so much spite in his words when he spoke. But now, he had said his name and spoken to him the way he used to.

The way when things were untainted and beautiful between them. The way when their love had been golden and radiant.

Before he could even fully process what he was feeling, Hyunjin spoke again.

“I’m really sorry about what I said the other night. I was hurt and I ended up hurting you too. You didn’t deserve that.”

Seungmin was at a loss about how to respond. He couldn’t say that it was all good now because his words really did end up hurting him. Nevertheless, he was glad to be hearing what Hyunjin had to say right now.

“Let’s just move forward from that. I can forget about it as long as we treat each other better from now on. This is a new chapter for you and you deserve a fresh start.”

Hyunjin smiled at him appreciatively, but Seungmin could sense something sad in his eyes. Seeing that, he yearned to step forward and reach out to him. It was like he was seeking comfort and he wanted to be able to give that.

But could he really do that? That would probably feel like a burden to Hyunjin. This moment right here was a chance for the two of them and he didn’t want to mess things up by overstepping his boundaries.

And so, Seungmin held back for now.

“Sorry. And thank you. I won’t keep you for long because it looks like you're busy,” Hyunjin said.

Seungmin didn’t prod for now. He let him go, confident that there would be other chances to talk later on.

He was wrong.

Later that evening, Hyunjin disappeared. He made the decision to leave Yellow Wood, without a word, without any notice, and with only a letter saying that he would be unable to fulfill his duties at the school. No one could contact him. No one could find him. No one knew what happened. He disappeared without any warning, not wanting to be followed, not wanting to be found.

—----

When he heard that Hyunjin left, Seungmin knew to seek out Felix.

It finally clicked when he remembered where he saw the device that Hyunjin had been holding at the archives. He had seen it years ago in the archives of the House of Wind. That day, Felix had been waiting for him. It was as if he already knew that Seungmin would be looking for him.

When Seungmin confronted him about it, Felix didn’t even feign ignorance.

All he said was, “If you want to understand why Hyunjin made this choice, then go see for yourself.”

Seungmin wasn’t sure how time worked in this parallel universe, Hyunjin could’ve spent months or even years here. All of that would have been just a few hours back in the real world. Whatever it was, something must have happened after he used the Mixtape.

And Seungmin wanted to change that.

Maybe, if he could truly grasp Hyunjin’s feelings and experiences in this world, he could change his mind. Maybe, if he could be there as he healed through all the pain he was carrying with him from the real world, he could convince him that he was surrounded by people who cared for him.

Maybe then, he would see a reason to stay.

Seungmin walked out of the archives of the House of Wind with the Mixtape in his possession. He went back to his room, knowing he had made his choice. He wasn’t going to let this go just like that.

He picked up the earphones, let the song play, and before he knew it, he had woken up on the bus going to Wolfgang.

In a span of just a few days, he felt like he was in a dizzying rollercoaster of emotions.

When he saw Hyunjin during the banquet at Yellow Wood, it felt like he was imagining things. It wasn’t until Felix said Hyunjin’s name that it began to feel real. Hyunjin was actually there, standing just a few feet away from him. Hyunjin, the one he loved, the one he hurt, and the one whose heart he shattered. He felt guilt and shame, but also a sense of expectation.

When Hyunjin told him to stay away, Seungmin’s heart broke all over again. The expectation was quickly replaced with disappointment. Before he could even plant the seed of hope, it was already stolen away from him. But since this is what Hyunjin wanted, he couldn’t do anything about it but leave things at that.

When Hyunjin reached out to him at the archives unexpectedly, Seungmin started to feel hopeful again. He allowed himself to feel relieved and happy.
But when Hyunjin left, the glimpse of hope that appeared to be right in front of him, crumbled before he could even touch it.

When Seungmin found himself being roused awake at the bus by the person he was looking for, he called out to him, but couldn't get him to stay. He couldn't grasp the situation right away and had to let him go. And now, when Seungmin walked into his dorm room and found him again sleeping by the desk, he wanted so badly to hold him and hug him. He wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t leave all over again.

But he did. And Seungmin was once again acquainted with the same feeling that he felt all those other times.

Despite that, things were somehow different this time.

Tomorrow was a new day. Seungmin let Hyunjin walk away tonight knowing fully well that he would be coming home to the same place, to him, anyway. Whatever he had to do to make him stay, he would do it this time around. No matter how many times Hyunjin walked away and walked out of the door, Seungmin would be waiting right here for him to come back home.

Chapter Text

It seemed that Hyunjin was trying his very best not to run into Seungmin at their dorm. That was close to impossible, but he made it look easy. He made it a point to leave really early in the morning, always before Seungmin’s alarm, and ended up coming home late into the night, when Seungmin was already asleep. During the day, they didn’t have a lot of opportunities to run into each other since they had different classes. Hyunjin had mostly art classes, while Seungmin was taking up music. At the cafeteria during meal times, Seungmin also never seemed to catch Hyunjin eating with his friends.

Seungmin was growing frustrated. How could he begin to grow closer and understand Hyunjin more when he was barely there?

He had to think of something.

Seungmin decided to wait until Hyunjin went home that evening. He typically turned in early, but if this was the game that Hyunjin was playing, he was willing to wait until the wee hours of the morning so that they could finally speak to each other.

While waiting, he spent some time reading some books and writing in his journal.

At a little past 1 AM, the door finally creaked open. Hyunjin was trying his best to be silent, expecting his roommate to be tucked away in bed. Instead, he found him sitting by his desk.

“Welcome back,” Seungmin turned around and greeted.

For a second, Hyunjin was flustered. He had successfully evaded Seungmin for several days now. Tonight, he wasn’t as lucky.

At least in Hyunjin’s perspective, the person in front of him wasn’t the same Seungmin. He didn’t understand why he was somehow projecting his feelings towards the real Seungmin onto this one. It’s just that, they had the same face, the same voice, the same demeanor. It was hard to deny the resemblance. They faced each other looking so much like their younger selves and yet, in Hyunjin’s heart, he couldn’t boast having the same youthful and warm feelings as he did before.

Hyunjin walked towards his half of the room and laid his things on the side of the bed.

“You came home late again,” Seungmin remarked.

“I’m sorry, I've been spending a lot of time on my projects so I’ve been out ‘till late. I might have been disturbing you because of that, ” Hyunjin replied, casually.

“I’ve noticed. Somehow, I thought you were avoiding me,” Seungmin said, letting slip some slight sulking in his tone.

Hyunjin was surprised and a little confused by this, but didn’t let it show. He figured that his roommate didn’t even notice his absence. It seemed that he was mistaken.

“No of course not, why would I do that?” Hyunjin feigned.

“I just never seem to see you,” Seungmin replied. “We are roommates after all.”

How was Hyunjin supposed to respond to this? He wasn’t really privy to the kind of dynamic these two roommates had. He initially thought that they were distant with each other and lived separate lives, despite the shared space. But with the way Seungmin was acting, that didn’t seem to be the case.

“Sorry, I’ll be more mindful,” Hyunjin said, apologetic. “Anyway, I think I’ll go get ready for bed—”

Seungmin suddenly spoke up, “Just a little, talk to me just for a bit. How was your day?”

This confused Hyunjin even more. Were they really this close, enough to ask about each other’s day? His plan to keep Seungmin at arm’s length was quickly failing.

“It was okay. Like I said, I was caught up in my projects after our classes.”

This wasn’t a lie. Hyunjin really was getting deep into his art classes and art projects. Art was a field that he had no interest in at all throughout his years in school. The only thing on his mind was Quidditch. He had never been exposed to art and so it never really seemed like an option. He was only discovering now that it might actually be something he liked. He wasn’t certain whether he just picked up the skills of the Hyunjin from this universe, but holding a pencil or a brush and putting it all on paper felt natural to him.

He truly was enjoying it.

“What pieces are you working on right now? I’d like to see them some time,” Seungmin enthusiastically replied.

Hyunjin really had no reason not to agree.

“Sure, I’ll show them to you one of these days.”

Wrong, wrong

But he had already said the words and it wouldn’t be nice to take them back. He just had to find an excuse to flake out later on.

“Alright, I’m looking forward to it,” Seungmin replied, with genuine interest in his tone.

The conversation had lulled and Hyunjin thought that that was that. But Seungmin spoke up again.

“Have you started preparing for the Unveil?”

Hyunjin heard about the Unveil earlier this week from Felix and the others. It was the annual showcase of the graduating students of the college. The work of the art students would be displayed in an exhibition, while the music students had performances during the culmination night. They had about 6 months to prepare for this year-end event.

“Oh, not yet actually. I should start though. Have you?” Hyunjin asked, genuinely curious about what a music student would be planning.

To be frank, he didn’t know much about his roommate and he learned very little about him from the others. What he did learn though is that Seungmin was known as one of the music prodigies of their batch. He was quite popular because of his beautiful and soulful voice. He heard his name being spoken around, but didn't pay much attention.

“I’m thinking of performing an original song. I guess I just have to get around to writing it.”

“Oh? What’s the song about?” Hyunjin asked.

Seungmin thought about it for a moment.

“I know for sure that it’s going to be a love song.”

Those words came out of his mouth without any hesitation at all. Like he was absolutely certain that what he wanted to express was about love.

Hearing this, there was a pinch in Hyunjin’s heart, a knee-jerk reaction that he simply had no control over. He had to remind himself that this Seungmin was not the same as the one he knew. He had no business whatsoever in this person’s relationships.

“Oh. It must be nice to be loved by Kim Seungmin. You would go so far as to dedicate a song for that person. They’re incredibly lucky.”

He spoke unthinkably. The words that came out of his mouth were another kneejerk reaction.

Hyunjin wasn’t thinking much when he said those words, just trying to make conversation and avoid the awkward silence. His mouth reacted faster than his mind. When he realized what he had said, he wished he could take them back.

On the other hand, Seungmin didn’t speak right away. Hyunjin looked up to see his roommate lost in thought, as if he was lost in a memory. He had an odd expression on his face for a moment, but he quickly regained his composure. He glanced back at Hyunjin and smiled.

It was a somber smile.

“I caused that person a lot of pain, so maybe not. Maybe he even regrets what we had.”

Hyunjin took this in, not quite knowing what to say.

Seeing this, Seungmin smiled, brighter this time.

“I don’t though. Because what we had was beautiful. I will always treasure that. And that’s why it deserves its own song.”

The conversation naturally faded from there. It didn’t seem like Seungmin wanted to talk about it further and Hyunjin didn’t want to pry. Seungmin mentioned that he was starting to get sleepy and so he was going to turn in for the night. Hyunjin also got ready for bed.

As he laid on his bed, he couldn’t help but feel for Seungmin. His words, no matter how little they were, likely held an even greater weight and heartbreak behind them. This humanized him a bit more for Hyunjin. This person carried the burden of his regrets and mistakes. He somehow felt that they were the same in some ways and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to get to know him a bit more. He realized that there wasn't really anything stopping him from becoming willing to see the Seungmin in front of him, without being clouded by the pain of the past.

—-----

Seungmin wondered if he spoke too much too soon.

But he actually didn’t regret what he had just said because, ultimately, they were true.

Despite their break-up being excruciatingly painful, Seungmin was thankful for the moments and memories he and Hyunjin had shared. Nothing could take away the fact that they were each other’s first love. He would even go as far as to say that Hyunjin was his one great love.

With time, he was able to heal and move forward from all that. All these years, he tried his best to live well, all with the blind belief that Hyunjin was doing the same. Although he had kept his distance from him, Minho, and Jisung, they heard about his Quidditch victories and championships from others. Knowing that, Seungmin could live quietly and have some peace of mind because Hyunjin was happily living his dream.

Throughout these years, although they were apart and as good as strangers, Seungmin never really stopped caring about Hyunjin. He thought of him as he went to bed and woke up wishing that it was a good day for him wherever part of the world he was.

But when he heard about the career-ending Quidditch accident, it was as if his heart broke all over again. He was reminded of the night that he consoled and comforted Hyunjin when he got injured during a game when they were students. Although that was a significant moment for their relationship, the image of him broken and in pain was not a memory that he was fond of. Hyunjin was the type of person who always felt deeply. His heart was so big and so full that when he felt positive feelings, lightness reverberated throughout his whole being. But when those feelings were negative, he was also overwhelmed with darkness. Seungmin knew this and so he always carried some guilt for breaking his heart. This time, it was probably an even more unimaginable kind of loss and pain. In those times when he had it hard, Seungmin wondered whether he had someone who would be able to offer him comfort and presence, since he could no longer do that. He hoped he did. He pleaded with Jisung and Minho to visit Hyunjin as soon as they could and asked them right away about Hyunjin’s condition when they came back.

When fate intervened and brought the two of them together, it felt like a new chapter to a book that had previously been cut short. This time around, Seungmin wasn’t going to let this pass unresolved.

Maybe this wasn’t the fresh start that he expected, but it was a new beginning for them nonetheless.

Chapter Text

Despite all odds, Hyunjin actually ended up making good on his promise to show Seungmin his ongoing art projects.

It was the end of the day and Hyunjin was in the middle of packing up from his last class. His classmates invited him for dinner, but he decided not to join them and said that he had something to work on.

Just as he was about to leave the classroom, he suddenly received a text message.

Roommate

He clicked the notification on his phone. He thought that maybe it was time to update this person’s contact information. It wouldn’t hurt to use his real name.

Are you free?

Hyunjin debated whether he should reply to Seungmin or not. But these past few days, Seungmin had been nothing but considerate and warm towards him. He even woke him up one morning when his alarm didn’t ring as expected. Hyunjin had already decided that it wasn’t entirely fair to project certain feelings on this Seungmin and that maybe it wouldn’t hurt to be open to this friendship. He seemed like a genuinely kind and thoughtful person. Hyunjin might just end up learning from him.

I’m actually on the way to go to the work room. Do you want to come with me?

The reply was almost instant.

Yes!

I would love to, where should we meet?

He and Seungmin agreed to meet outside of the arts building. Wolfgang was actually quite a spacious school because they had allotted an area of the campus specifically as the work area of art students. It wasn’t even a communal space, some students had the choice of having their own rooms where they could store their pieces and work on their projects.

Hyunjin led Seungmin to his work room.

On the way, they made casual and light conversation about each other’s classes. It seemed like Seungmin had vocal lessons today. Since they were from different majors, there were actually a lot of things they ended up asking each other. Both of them had genuine interest and curiosity about one another’s studies. Getting to know each other was surprisingly quite effortless, since one question would always be followed up by another. Both of them seemed to be passionate about what they were doing and so they were more than willing to talk about it. Initially, Hyunjin was surprised that Seungmin could talk so much. He gave the impression that he was a quiet and serious person, but during their conversations, he asked a lot and laughed a lot. He could even make Hyunjin laugh every now and then. It was growing to be an easy friendship and Hyunjin was starting to like that.

Before they knew it, they were already in front of the door to Hyunjin’s space.

As they entered, Seungmin was in awe to see so many paintings on display inside the room. In Seungmin’s eyes, Hyunjin seemed to be quite intense and emotional in his art. This is clearly reflected in the colors and the strokes that he used in his paintings. He didn’t have a particular subject in his pieces, but there were images of flowers, landscapes, and even people. Each painting evoked a certain feeling and so it felt like he had to study each painting and try to understand what the artist was thinking or feeling when he was painting it.

“Wow. This is amazing.”

Hyunjin chuckled, “It’s not much, really. I’m still learning a lot.”

This much was true. More than half of these paintings were already here when Hyunjin stepped into this world. When he told Seungmin that he had been staying out late working on his projects, it really was true. He was trying to find his own identity in art apart from the one that the Hyunjin from this world had already built. Surprisingly, there wasn’t much difference. The paintings that had already existed here seemed to reflect his own experiences, as if he himself had created them. So when he started creating his own art, everything felt holistic. This room truly felt like it was built for him alone.

“I’m working on this one right now,” Hyunjin said, walking towards a canvas that was in its early stages. It was mostly etched in pencil for now and only a small part was covered in paint. Seungmin followed and stood beside him.

“I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I want to do with it. I’m still not convinced,” Hyunjin remarked.

Seungmin stared at the work of art, as if trying to decipher the meaning behind it.

“What are you trying to express?”

Hyunjin didn’t respond right away. That actually made him think for a bit. He knew that Seungmin’s question was coming from a place of real interest and attentiveness.

What did he want to express?

“I guess, I’m trying to remember,” Hyunjin replied.

“Remember what?”

Hyunjin was reluctant to speak but the words came out anyway.

“Remember who I was in the past. How it felt like to be that version of me.”

Seungmin looked at him. Hyunjin was afraid that there would be pity in his eyes, since what he had said was quite sad. He didn’t face him instantly, worried that he would be asking questions about things he wasn’t willing to talk about.

But when he did look up to meet Seungmin’s eyes, the other boy had an encouraging smile on his face.

“Maybe he’s not as far as you think. Maybe you just need a bit more time. I’m sure you’ll remember eventually,” Seungmin reassured him.

At this, Hyunjin returned his smile.

“Thank you.”

Seeing as the mood of the room was getting serious, Seungmin spoke up.

“I should probably leave, I might be overstepping. But thank you so much for sharing all of this with me. I would like to see your project once it’s complete,” Seungmin said.

Hyunjin thought for a moment.

“Actually, you don’t have to leave. You can stay here if you want to, although I’m not sure if this place is comfy enough for you.”

Seungmin’s eyes lit up.

“Okay, are you sure it won’t bother you? I don’t want you to lose focus, I’ll just sit here and write.”

Hyunjin shook his head. “No, it won’t bother me at all. “You can stay for as long as you want.”

He really did mean it, he didn’t mind having Seungmin around. After their conversations, he found that he was actually someone he could be comfortable with. Having him here was a better alternative to just pure, deafening silence. Admittedly, it was quite lonely being an artist. It was nice to just have someone around while he was working.

Most of the time, Hyunjin’s attention was on his canvas, but every now and then, he would look to the side and steal quick glances towards the boy in the corner who was quietly jotting down in his journal. He wondered what Seungmin could be writing about, maybe he was finally working on his love song. Whatever it was, this scene and the peaceful silence that came with it reminded Hyunjin of happier and simpler times.

Back then, he and Seungmin would go straight to the old archives of the House of Stars after classes. Seungmin would fall right into studying, while Hyunjin would be reading about Quidditch. There wasn’t much conversation, but every now and then, they would catch each other’s attention and just smile fondly. And then they would go right back to whatever they were doing. Beyond the heartbreak which usually overshadowed his memories of that time, it was actually those small and special moments that they shared that seemed to shine the brightest in his recollection.

Just as Hyunjin was recalling this, Seungmin looked up. It seemed that Hyunjin stared at him a second too long and he caught on. Hyunjin was prepared to rebut whatever it was he was going to say.

But instead of speaking, Seungmin simply responded with a smile then went back to writing.

No, it can’t be, Hyunjin thought.

That gesture was a little too familiar. It was exactly like a snapshot from his own memories of him and Seungmin. But he knew that it couldn't be possible because there was no reason for the real Seungmin to be in this universe.

He shook the feeling away and diverted his attention back to his painting.

—--------

Seungmin thought that maybe he had given himself away.

He quickly dismissed this idea. That was impossible. Hyunjin wouldn’t make that conclusion so fast. He would just conclude that it was nothing but a coincidence. But for a moment there, Seungmin saw a flash of confusion and recognition in Hyunjin’s eyes.

He still remembers, Seungmin thought. Somehow, it warmed his heart that Hyunjin still kept those memories of them with him.

Seungmin was already preparing himself for the possibility of Hyunjin finding out that it was indeed him. He actually wasn’t afraid of the consequences. He had already gone this far and so he had no apprehensions about going even further.

But he needed time.

He wouldn’t know how to handle things if Hyunjin caught on to him all of a sudden. They were just at the beginning of their friendship. This was a good time. Hyunjin was finally, albeit slowly, starting to open up to him and he didn’t want to mess that up. His ultimate goal by being here was to understand Hyunjin and to be present for him. He wasn’t here to pursue him or get him back. He did not have those selfish intentions. He could not even begin to think about going back to what they had in the past because the most important thing for him right now was mending Hyunjin’s heart. So that when he came back to the present, he wouldn’t feel the need to run away again. And if ever he had gotten to a place where he could say that he was okay and they both wanted this, then maybe, Seungmin could consider them in that light again.

So it didn’t matter to him right now that Hyunjin was seeing him as a different Seungmin. It didn’t matter to him that the only reason why Hyunjin would even consider a friendship with him was because he wasn’t the real Seungmin. His own feelings didn’t matter right now because he only really wished to understand Hyunjin’s heart.

Chapter Text

Their late afternoons at Hyunjin’s work room surprisingly became an almost everyday routine for the two of them.

Same as the first time, Hyunjin would be working on finishing his painting while Seungmin sat at the corner and wrote.

At first, Hyunjin was hesitant to propose the idea again. They would meet at the end of the night at the dorms and he thought of asking several times, but then he always lost the courage to do so. A couple of days later, it was actually Seungmin that reached out to him and asked if he could visit the work room again. After that, Hyunjin became more confident and comfortable about messaging first and asking Seungmin to go with him. That was a nice change. Another change was that Seungmin’s contact information was now updated to his real name. They had somehow crossed the threshold to simply just being roommates into being true friends.

After getting to know Seungmin and spending some time with him, Hyunjin found himself breathing a little lighter when he was around. His worries from the past seemed smaller. His fears about the future appeared less daunting. All they had was the present, worrying about art projects and musical scores. And he felt that all of it was refreshing. He didn’t think about Quidditch, his broken relationships, his injury, his mistakes, or his regrets. None of that existed here. Seungmin also never asked him about any topics that he himself never volunteered to talk about. And what Hyunjin liked was that Seungmin never sought an explanation about why he expressed things a certain way. He felt accepted for who he was now—Not his past nor his future. Seungmin’s presence somehow grounded him to the present moment and because of that, it was also easier to focus on what was in front of him. He also found that he could work and paint better whenever Seungmin was there. In contrast, he would always find himself overthinking during the times that he was on his own. It was ultimately better to have someone like Seungmin beside him.

With Seungmin, he didn’t feel alone. He felt like he was starting to escape the loneliness that he had long succumbed to. He was beginning to see the light.

Seungmin didn’t seem to mind any of this. He never said no whenever Hyunjin invited him. And to Hyunjin, it seemed like he liked being around him too.

Their friendship was growing to be a certain solace, filled with calm, quiet moments and light, casual conversations. They had even gone to dinner together a few times and there were instances when they would order food and eat at the work room. Late into the night, they would walk back together to their dorm room and spend the rest of the evening in a comfortable silence.

—------

“Aren’t you getting a little too close to each other?”

Seungmin was asked this question just as he rejected another dinner invitation from his classmates.

He looked at Minho, who was the one that asked the question. This was the same Minho who was pretty much in domestic bliss with his best friend Jisung in the real world. In this universe though, he wasn’t even sure if they knew of each other. And speaking of Jisung, he seemed to be in the same classes as Hyunjin. Sharing the same major with him, the ones Seungmin interacted with the most were Minho, Changbin, and Jeongin.

“What’s wrong with that?” Seungmin asked, considering Minho’s question.

“Nothing, it’s just that you weren’t really paying much attention to each other before. I’m just wondering what changed,” Minho remarked.

Seungmin smiled.

“I guess, I did. Isn’t it such a loss if we fail to recognize what’s in front of us? Hyunjin and I have been roommates for so long so I think it’s good to be friends as well.”

With that, Minho just shrugged and made no further comment. He told Seungmin to be safe and enjoy the rest of the night before joining their other classmates for some snacks outside the campus.

As the rest of the group left, Seungmin also made his way to the familiar path leading to the arts building. Today was kind of a special day since Hyunjin said that he wanted to show him something. Hyunjin had held off on inviting him over the past couple of days so he already had an idea of what it could be. He figured that the painting that Hyunjin was working on was nearing its completion. Seungmin patiently waited to be invited again. He didn’t push and allowed Hyunjin to have his time to focus. The fact that he even wanted to share the completed painting with him made his heart feel a little fuller.

Seungmin felt that they truly were making meaningful steps in their friendship. For the most part, he was glad. How could he not be? This was exactly what he had hoped for. But truth be told, there was also a sort of melancholy to it as he realized that this is precisely what they were like before. This version of them is what he chose to let go of back then and also what they both missed out on during the years that they were apart.

But he couldn’t dwell on that aspect for too long because what mattered was they had been granted this opportunity now. It was not the set-up either of them expected, but it was their chance to make up for lost time.

—------

Since Hyunjin started hanging out with Seungmin, a month had already passed. Hyunjin recalled the first time he brought Seungmin here at this work room. He was still in the very early stages of his painting. He had also been trying to figure out his place and his persona in this parallel universe. Since then, he felt that many things had changed. At the beginning, there were times when he believed that who he was right now was nothing but a stolen identity. But as he spent more time here, he was getting to know and growing into himself a lot more than he expected. Not only was his painting actually taking shape and form, but so was he.

Today, he asked Seungmin to come to the work room. He had been keeping himself from inviting Seungmin for a few days because he wanted to surprise him with the finished painting. Back then, he told Seungmin that he wished to remember who he was in the past and the feelings that came with it. The more time he spent on the painting, the more clearly the idea that he wanted to express reflected on the canvas. He was still in the process of polishing some details but it was nearly complete.

The scene was there, the feelings were there as well. He looked at the painting and he genuinely felt that he could remember. It wasn’t perfect just yet, but it felt whole enough to be shown to another person.

Seungmin was going to be here any minute and so Hyunjin covered the painting with a piece of cloth. He wanted to see his reaction when he finally revealed it.

A few moments later, there were three knocks on the door. Hyunjin turned around and Seungmin was waving at him. He beckoned Seungmin to go inside.

Seungmin then stepped into the room.

“Have you been here long?” Seungmin asked as he dropped his things by the corner. He had now made that small space his own.

He walked towards where Hyunjin was.

“My last class ended early so I had a bit more time today,” Hyunjin replied. “How were your classes?”

This type of exchange had grown natural between the two of them. They would just naturally check up on each other and ask how their own days went.

“Remember the difficult assignment that I told you about, I got the score for it today,” Seungmin shared enthusiastically.

“Oh yeah you were stressed out about it last week, how was it?” Hyunjin asked.

“I got a B+! That class really isn’t my forte so it’s such a relief,” Seungmin said.

Hyunjin patted Seungmin’s shoulder, “I told you that you didn’t have to worry about it.”

Seungmin smiled, “Thank you for the encouragement.”

This was why their dynamic felt easy. They were both encouraging towards each other. When Hyunjin felt that he could lean on Seungmin, Seungmin started relying on him as well. They both found it comforting to have that mutual care and respect.

“I said that I wanted to show you something,” Hyunjin said, gesturing towards the canvas that was presently hidden. “I wanted you to be the first one to see this because somehow, you helped me create it.”

Seungmin shook his head, “What do you mean? I didn’t do anything though. I only asked you a question.”

“Yes, but that one question was everything,” Hyunjin replied.

He took the cloth off to reveal the canvas that hid underneath.

As soon as he did, Seungmin was awestruck. What Hyunjin painted was a window. To any person, it would just look like a very beautiful and detailed painting of a window. But to Seungmin, it wasn’t just any window. As soon as the piece of cloth fell, he recognized it right away.

The image in front of him was exactly like one of the big windows in the archives of the House of Stars. When they were students, they spent a lot of time at the archives. Late into the night after their studying and reading sessions, this was the view that they were always confronted with.

A huge, ornate window that framed an indigo blue sky full of shining stars.

When darkness fell and the stars brightly revealed themselves, Seungmin would start packing up his things while Hyunjin would close whatever book he was reading. The two of them would catch each other’s eye. They would then walk towards the window together and just watch the sky. Almost everyday, they would spend their evenings that way, watching the stars and just having conversations about anything under the sun. More often than not, they would forget what time it was and just get lost in the stories they told each other. They would be reminded that it was time to go only when either of them got hungry for dinner.

Apparently, when faced with the idea of wanting to remember the old version of himself, this is the image that came to Hyunjin’s mind.

“It’s beautiful,” Seungmin uttered, almost in a whisper. He was trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. He was overcome with emotion, but for Hyunjin’s sake, these were feelings that he could not yet reveal.

“Thank you for showing this to me,” he managed to say.

While Seungmin’s eyes were on the painting, Hyunjin’s eyes were on Seungmin. He could see clearly that Seungmin was touched. For some reason, he could see that there was something deeper behind his gaze. But Seungmin had always been an empathetic person and so Hyunjin thought that that was why it was getting through to him like this.

“Aren’t you going to ask why?” Hyunjin inquired.

Fortunately, Seungmin had already gotten his emotions under control. Seungmin turned to face Hyunjin and shook his head.

“I know that if you want to explain yourself, you will. I won’t force you. But I’m not even asking for an explanation because your art alone speaks for itself.”

Hyunjin smiled, confirming further why there was just so much ease and simplicity being around Seungmin. This friendship made him feel safe and steady, without asking for too much or anything at all. They simply stood there alongside each other, admiring and enjoying the present moment.

Chapter Text

Seungmin was particularly excited today. He and Hyunjin had talked about wanting to try the new restaurant that opened nearby. Right before leaving for their classes this morning, they agreed to meet-up for dinner to go try it out.

Having something to look forward to, he had a spring in his step as he made his way to his first class.

“Hey, Seungmin. You’re free tonight, right?” Minho greeted as soon as he walked in and settled into his usual seat. “We’re having dinner at that new place, my treat.”

This morning, everyone in their group chat was greeting Minho a happy birthday. He didn’t know any of this information beforehand so he went ahead and did so as well. He wasn’t expecting that there would be plans for tonight.

It took a second before Seungmin could respond. He felt that it would be rude to say no to Minho and then be at the exact same place at the same time with Hyunjin. He also felt that it might not be proper to suggest to Minho if he could bring his friend since that was an extra head that he would be paying for.

He was constrained to accept Minho’s invitation and cancel on Hyunjin.

“Of course,” Seungmin said, feigning a small smile.

He sat down and quickly took out his phone.

Hey, I’m sorry but something came up for me tonight. It’s Minho’s birthday. Let’s move our dinner?

A few minutes later, Hyunjin responded.

Sure, no problem

Since their friendship valued boundaries a lot, Hyunjin didn’t ask further. But as for Seungmin, Hyunjin’s reply came out a little curt than expected. He felt slightly guilty that he would be trying the restaurant first rather than trying the menu for the first time with Hyunjin, just like they had originally planned. He felt the need to explain.

Actually, I wanted to let you know that we’re eating at the same restaurant. Minho also invited our other classmates. I’m sorry

Why are you saying sorry?

Because we planned to try this place together

Hyunjin spent a few minutes typing and Seungmin nervously watched his screen.

It’s no big deal. At least when we go there next time, you’ll know what’s good to order

Seungmin breathed a sigh of relief after that. It seemed like this really was not that big of a deal for Hyunjin.

Got it! I might be out a little late, I’ll try not to disturb you when I come back!

Sure. Have fun and take care

Seungmin hid his phone away and was reassured that everything was fine.

_______

But actually, it wasn’t all that fine on Hyunjin’s end.

He felt disappointed when he got the first message. Upon hearing that it was for Minho, he wasn’t going to admit it, but he also felt a little jealous. And then when he found out that they were going to the same restaurant, he tried not to feel hurt, but inevitably, he was. But he also understood that he couldn’t just ask to be invited into Seungmin’s group of friends. That wouldn’t be comfortable for them and it wouldn’t be comfortable for him either. He didn’t want to put Seungmin in a position where he felt burdened about choosing between one or the other.

And so he held back on his own emotions and considered Seungmin’s own feelings. There was no point in making an issue out of this. They could just make other plans later on.

He decided to proceed with his day the way he usually would.

—---------

Hyunjin’s day turned out normally.

For the most part.

He thought that he could enjoy a slow and quiet evening to himself. He did miss having the usual small talk with Seungmin at this time of the night, but he was still out with his friends. Hyunjin had already dressed for bed and was lying down with a sketch pad in hand. He played some music, lit up some scented candles, and spent his alone time drawing.

It was quite relaxing. He was starting to appreciate these pockets of time that he had on his own. For a long time, especially when he was younger, he was afraid of the feeling of being alone. When he hit his rough patches, being alone became an addiction. Now, he was beginning to find a balance in appreciating the moments of solace that he had with himself. He wasn’t so afraid of loneliness, nor was he unhealthily craving it.

He had almost filled up a whole page of his sketch pad when the door to their room suddenly burst open.

Seungmin walked into the room.

To be more precise, Seungmin clumsily stumbled into the room.

When Hyunjin noticed this and the state that his roommate was in, he quickly got up and made his way towards him.

“Hey, are you okay?” Hyunjin asked, taking Seungmin’s arm and putting it over his shoulder. He could clearly smell the scent of alcohol on him.

“I’m okay,” Seungmin mumbled. “I’m okay.”

It was already autumn and so Seungmin’s hands were a little cold. His face looked red, and Hyunjin wasn’t sure if it was because of the chill outside or the intoxication. Their room was warm enough and so he helped him out of his coat. Seungmin wasn’t even trying and Hyunjin had to do it all on his own. He hung up the coat and went right back to Seungmin’s side.

Seungmin’s eyes were only half-open and he was mostly leaning on Hyunjin for support.

“If you knew you couldn’t handle this much alcohol, why did you drink so much?” Hyunjin told him. He led Seungmin towards his side of the room, letting him sit down on the bed.

Seungmin didn’t respond to his question. He likely couldn’t even process it because of his drunkenness.

At this point, Hyunjin already knew that Seungmin was quite mindful about laying on his bed with his outside clothes. As much as possible, he liked to change out of them first before using his bed.

“Wait here,” Hyunjin said, getting up to go to Seungmin’s dresser. He picked out the newly laundered gray sweatshirt and the matching sweatpants that he wore a lot for sleeping.

He went back to where Seungmin was and handed him the clothes.

“You should change into this, you’ll thank me tomorrow,” Hyunjin instructed him.

Seungmin took the clothes from Hyunjin’s hands, but didn’t do anything. He just hugged them to his chest. Seeing this, Hyunjin sighed.

“I’ll help you, will that be okay?” Hyunjin asked, carefully watching Seungmin’s reaction.

Seungmin nodded.

“It’s alright,” Seungmin managed to blurt out with much struggle.

Hyunjin took the sweatshirt and the sweatpants from Seungmin’s grasp. First, he helped Seungmin out of the sweater that he was wearing. He had on a white shirt underneath so it wasn’t much of a problem. When it came to his pants, Hyunjin was a little worried. They were both men, but still, they respected each other’s boundaries.

“Are you sure this is okay?” Hyunjin asked again.

Seungmin nodded.

Taking Seungmin’s word for it, Hyunjin unbuttoned his jeans and helped him out of it. Seungmin was wearing boxers so it was still modest. Hyunjin tried his best to get him to wear the sweatpants as fast as he could.

Hyunjin breathed a sigh of relief once Seungmin had completely changed out of his outside clothes. He then folded the clothes that Seungmin had used and placed them in his laundry basket.

“You can sleep now, you’re ready for bed,” Hyunjin said, helping Seungmin to get himself tucked into his covers.

“Good night.”

Hyunjin was about to turn away and go back to his side of the room, but he was suddenly pulled back as Seungmin got a hold of his arm. For a drunk person, he was surprisingly strong. Hyunjin ended up stumbling towards the bed, his face inches from Seungmin.

“I’m sorry,” Seungmin muttered. He tried to keep his eyes open to properly look at Hyunjin, but it just looked like he was drowsily gazing at him.

“Why are you saying sorry again?” Hyunjin replied, almost whispering his words because they were much too close to each other.

“Because I’m me. I’m Seungmin. It’s me,” Seungmin said, slurring his words.

Hyunjin was trying to make sense of what he was saying. He was utterly confused, he didn’t understand what Seungmin meant by his words. Clearly, the other boy’s thoughts were muddled right now and so Hyunjin didn’t give much weight to what he was saying.

While Hyunjin was processing all of this, Seungmin pulled him by the collar of his shirt all of a sudden, drawing their faces even closer together.

Hyunjin’s expression turned from confusion to shock. He had no choice but to stare at Seungmin’s face.

Seungmin was staring at him too. Somehow, he looked melancholic. It felt like he was trying to say something with his eyes, but it was hazy because of the alcohol. Hyunjin caught glimpses of it, although he couldn’t understand. All he knew was that Seungmin was trying to communicate something he couldn’t quite put into words.

This was all a bit too much for him and so his gaze moved from his eyes to his lips.

At that moment, Hyunjin’s past and present seemed to merge into the image in front of him. His mind immediately brought back the memories when he was this close to his Seungmin. The kisses and the intimate moments that had long been buried at the back of his mind suddenly came to the forefront. And right away, he recalled the love, the longing, and the desire.

Their first kiss happened just like this.

Hyunjin almost gave in to the impulse of leaning in and closing the very short distance between them. Seungmin didn’t appear to be unwilling to do so.

But Hyunjin stopped himself.

As much as he didn’t want to admit it, Hyunjin wanted the person in front of him to be his Seungmin. If he faced his heart and his feelings with truth and with courage, that was the person that he wanted to kiss. That was the person that he longed for. Even on the night that he ended up regretting so much because he had spoken to him out of spite, he was just trying to bury the fact that he wanted to hold him like he used to. That was the painful truth that he came to face because of this moment.

And so, he took a step back and pried away Seungmin’s grasp. Seungmin seemed to calm down too. Hyunjin held his drunk roommate by the shoulders and gently forced him to back away. He wasn’t going to ruin this special friendship with an impulsive, drunken kiss. He made sure that Seungmin’s head was lying properly on the pillow and that his body was fully covered with the blanket, before climbing into his own bed. By the time that he did, it seemed Seungmin had also drifted into slumber. Asleep that way, he went back to looking like the usual Seungmin.

Hyunjin went back to his sketchbook. He closed it and hid it away because he didn’t think he could draw any more for today. He tucked himself into bed and tried to sleep, but he couldn’t deny the realizations that came to his mind. The lines had been quite clear up until this point. He was able to clearly see the Seungmin that was his roommate and friend apart from the Seungmin that was his ex. But because of what happened, those lines were momentarily crossed. He knew that he had to separate the feelings that he had for the person that he once loved and the friendship that he wanted to keep with the person that was snoring peacefully beside him.

He decided it would be best to sleep this off for now. Maybe tomorrow, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. To divert his attention, he decided that he would wake up earlier than Seungmin tomorrow so that he could buy him some hangover soup. With that thought, he began to feel sleepy too.

Chapter Text

Unfortunately for Seungmin, he had clear memories of the previous night.

He remembered stumbling into the room and being caught by Hyunjin. He remembered Hyunjin helping him change into his clothes for sleeping. He felt so mortified and ashamed at the thought. He did not expect that he could get that drunk to the point that he couldn’t even function.

But most importantly, Seungmin remembered what he told Hyunjin and what he tried to do after.

Because I’m me. I’m Seungmin. It’s me.

Seungmin didn’t know which one was worse. That he practically gave himself away unprompted. Or that he shamelessly tried to kiss Hyunjin.

He was actually thankful that Hyunjin didn’t kiss him back.

Seungmin had been awake for about an hour now, but he couldn’t get up from the bed because he was plagued by all kinds of thoughts. That, and he had a really bad headache.

Actually, he had to admit that he had a lot of fun last night. Their night started out with good food and ended with good drinks. It felt nice to have a normal hangout with college friends. Comparing this to his own school years, it wasn't that much of a norm to go out at night since the students of Yellow Wood had a strict curfew. This was a new experience for him and he was glad that he was able to do it the way the muggles did. Ultimately, he didn't regret that he said yes to the invite, but he did end up regretting that he said yes to the shots of soju and cans of beers that his classmates had offered him. Fortunately, it was a weekend so there weren’t any classes. He could just spend the rest of the day recuperating and ruminating inside his room.

When he woke up, the other side of the room was empty so it seemed like Hyunjin had some things to do in the morning. This was another thing that he was thankful for because he was not quite prepared yet to face him.

That feeling of relief didn’t last too long though because a few moments later, Hyunjin went back to their dorm carrying a few plastic bags. He laid them on the small dining table for two that was set-up in the corner of their room. Hyunjin rubbed his hands together because it was quite a cold and windy morning. As he took off his coat, he noticed that Seungmin was already awake.

“Are you feeling well enough to eat? I got you some soup,” Hyunjin said, undoing the plastic bags on the table. He revealed a couple of bowls with some steaming hot soup. The smell wafted towards Seungmin’s direction and his stomach grumbled.

He hadn’t yet met Hyunjin’s eyes, afraid of what expression he could possibly have.

“I’ll eat with you,” Hyunjin said, setting up their bowls and utensils across from each other.

And just like that, Seungmin’s restless feelings significantly dissipated. He conjured up the courage to get up from the miserable position that he was in and dragged his feet towards the dining table.

As he sat down, he had one hand on the side of his head, as if that would help take away the headache.

“Drink lots of water, it will help,” Hyunjin said, bringing out the bottles of water that he also bought from the store.

Seungmin didn’t know whether to feel better or worse about how nice Hyunjin was being, given all of this. He thought that he was already such a hassle last night, but even until now, Hyunjin was still going the extra mile by taking care of him.

“I’m s—”

“I know what you’re going to say, and I don’t want to hear it,” Hyunjin said, opening his food bowl and then reaching out to open Seungmin’s.

Seungmin let out an exasperated sigh.

“But I remember what I did last night and I must have been such a burden,” he replied, almost whining. He just really wanted to apologize but he wouldn't let him.

Hyunjin looked at him, “That may be true, but it’s a burden that I’m willing to carry. I’ll take care of you when you need me to.”

With those words, all Seungmin could do was shut up.

“So, eat up, okay?” Hyunjin said, handing him the chopsticks.

Seungmin nodded and took them from his hand. He finally started eating his hangover soup. They proceeded to enjoy their food in silence.

“Thank you,” Seungmin said, after a few bites. Getting some food into his system was giving him much more clarity. “For this. And for everything.”

Hyunjin looked up from his bowl and smiled.

“Don’t worry about it. You’re my friend, you can rely on me,” he reassured him.

Seungmin returned the smile then went back to eating. He tried to ignore it, but his mind fixated on one particular word from that sentence.

Friend

Seungmin was happy when he heard those words. He wanted to only be happy about it, but why did he feel that that feeling of happiness was tainted by waves of dissatisfaction.

Was it because he was beginning to want something more than that? More than friendship?

A few months had passed since he and Hyunjin first picked up the Mixtape and they had been spending every single day together since then. It was easy at first to stay within the boundaries that he had set up for himself. Much like how they were at the work room, Seungmin was content to keep to himself in his little corner of the room. But as time passed, little by little, he had begun to want certain things too.

Whenever Hyunjin was painting, he had gotten used to watching and admiring him from afar. But later on, he would walk to where he was and ask him questions or point out little details for him. He wished to listen to what he had to say. He also wanted to see the expression on his face, maybe he could get a glimpse of that familiar smile.

Before, he only had the confidence to ask Hyunjin if he could join him at the work room. But later on, he started asking if they could have dinner afterwards, until those invitations eventually spilled over to their weekends.

He liked the time that he was spending with him more and more. He wished for more opportunities to experience who Hyunjin was now and see whether the things he remembered of him back then were still the same. He was glad to know that a lot of things remained as they were, but he welcomed the changes too. He realized that he had missed him. That after all those years apart, he had missed all of this. And so he simply wanted to be with Hyunjin more and more.

And that desire for more came to fruition last night.

Things had been hazy because of the alcohol, but his intentions were clear. Now that he was sober, he couldn’t blame it all on the drunkenness.

Because the truth was, he wanted to tell Hyunjin who he really was. And he truly did want to kiss him last night.

Was he even allowed to want any of this?

As he sat now across from Hyunjin, Seungmin caught himself wishing. He wished that Hyunjin didn’t just do everything that he did up to this point for a mere friend. He acknowledged this feeling. There was no point in lying to himself anyway. But he also arrived at the resolve that he wasn’t going to act on it again, not in this universe. Not with his current identity.

If he was ever going to clearly express his feelings to Hyunjin, he wanted to do it right. He didn’t want to do it under any mask or using the guise of someone else. He wanted to do it as the real Seungmin. He wanted it to be crystal clear to Hyunjin that the words and the feelings were coming from him and him alone.

—------

After spending a relatively slow and calm day at the dorms, the two of them decided to go out for dinner.

They planned to proceed with their cancelled dinner plans from the day before. Seungmin actually liked the idea because he found the food from last night delicious. As soon as he sampled the dishes with his friends, he couldn’t wait for Hyunjin to try them too. Whenever he discovered something good, be it food, music, or anything under the sun, his first instinct was to share it with Hyunjin. That way, they could like it and enjoy it together.

They got to the restaurant and were seated right away.

Seungmin was afraid that maybe things would be awkward between them after last night but his worries were for nothing. Hyunjin was his usual self the whole day. If anything, he seemed energetic and happy. Because of this, Seungmin tried his best not to overthink either. They were enjoying their meal and Hyunin seemed to be enjoying the food, just as he had predicted. The two of them were all smiles and laughs as they had their usual conversations. They shared stories and tidbits about their classes and their classmates. Everything was going well, and so why was Seungmin still worried?

Was all of that really nothing for him?

—------

Well, no. It wasn’t nothing for Hyunjin.

He remembered how it felt last night. He remembered what ran through his mind. And he remembered what he could’ve done.

But he thought there was simply no point in pursuing it further. His time in this parallel universe was temporary. He could snap out of it any moment and be pulled right back to the real world. Did he really want to spend the whole time complicating things?

It was somehow a sad thought that this whole experience was bound to end, he didn’t know how, but it inevitably would. And so it would be best to just enjoy every single moment without stressing over things too much.

On their way back home from dinner, the night had grown colder. When they stepped out from the dorms earlier, the weather was still bearable. Seungmin didn’t think to layer up too heavily. He made the mistake of bringing his lightest wool coat when he should have brought out his puffer jacket instead. The one he was wearing now didn’t seem to be warm enough to shield him from the chill in the air.

Hyunjin noticed this too. He, on other hand, was wearing his trusty black puffer jacket. He also had a heat pack in one of his pockets because he didn’t like feeling cold outside.

The dorm was still a few blocks away so they had to endure the cold temperature for a few more minutes.

Hyunjin noticed Seungmin rub his hands together once more. He brought them inside his pockets and then brought them out again because even that didn’t do much to help. The other boy was keeping silent and did not voice out any of his complaints, but he was very clearly struggling.

“Here.”

Reaching out to the other boy, Hyunjin got a hold of Seungmin’s hand. He placed it inside his pocket so that they could both hold the heat pack. Although the intention was to share the warmth of the heat pack, their fingers were close to intertwining.

And once again, Hyunjin could feel the lines starting to blur between them.

He told himself to get it together, because this was a different Seungmin. And even if it were Seungmin, was he even allowed to want this? Would Seungmin even want this all over again?

Even if this person were Seungmin, Hyunjin thought that now was not the time to be so selfish. He had given himself the leeway to be selfish with Seungmin’s heart so many countless times before. He knew now that he should have let go before things got worse between them. He should have told Seungmin to leave him back then because he deserved someone better. He should have walked away first, not for his own sake, but for Seungmin’s sake. Because maybe then, Seungmin wouldn’t have had to make a very hard decision on his own. The more noble choice would have been to be the first to say that things were no longer working and admit to himself that he stopped deserving the love that Seungmin had given him.

For many years, he had blamed Seungmin for walking away first. But if he truly understood his heart, he must have had the thought a million times before he made that call. He must have been hurting far longer and had been enduring for much, much longer. Hyunjin should have paid closer attention. He should have seen his pain before things got irreparable. If he had been there during the times that he was needed, Seungmin wouldn’t have felt so alone in their relationship.

Realizing all of this, Hyunjin decided that he had not yet earned the right to be selfish at this point.

What had he really done for Seungmin to make up for all of his mistakes in the past?

He decided that he would do what he can and take care of this Seungmin who was beside him. He would give him what he needed, be a supportive and reliable presence, but only leave it at that. He would get so close, enough to hold him, enough to kiss him, but would never let their lips touch. Now, he held the heat pack in his hands and let the tips of their fingers brush against each other, but did not go any further. He would skirt along the lines as tightly as he could, but he would never cross them. He did not think that he deserved any more than that, at least not yet.

Chapter Text

The chill in the air had become even more apparent as the days passed.

People around the campus were starting to layer up and wear warmer clothes. With the cold weather, a bug had also been going around. Some students had started getting coughs and colds. It was nothing serious, but it was definitely hampering the progress of those who were scrambling to get things ready for the Unveil.

Hyunjin was one of those people. He didn’t think that it was possible for him to get sick in this universe. And yet, here he was now, sniffling and very close to sneezing.

He started to feel the symptoms the day before. He knew how his body felt when it was healthy and in tip top shape. And so, he also knew right away when something felt off. He woke up with a slight headache and a tickle at the back of his throat.

Fortunately, Seungmin had gone out early that morning for his classes. Recently, both of them were getting busy in preparation for their individual showcase. Seungmin had been having a lot of sessions with his coach for his song. And so, there wasn’t much free time for him to go visit Hyunjin at the work room. Hyunjin, on the other hand, was just as occupied. He had started to conceptualize his exhibit and the paintings that would bring it to life.

They were both caught up in their own schedules so they usually just saw each other at the end of the night. All of this turned out to be a good thing since Seungmin would be less likely to be exposed to what Hyunjin had right now. It was nothing but a common cold, but that would significantly affect a singer’s preparations.

So that day in particular, Hyunjin decided that it might be best to keep his distance from Seungmin given his condition. He packed a bag and brought some essentials with him: a change of clothes, bottles of water, medicine, a small pillow, and a blanket. He didn’t think that it would be a good idea to sleep in the same room as Seungmin, at least for tonight.

With that, he wore a mask, wrapped himself up in his hoodie, grabbed his bag, and went on with his day.

—--------

While Hyunjin’s day was just beginning, Seungmin’s day was already in full swing.
He had classes from early morning until the afternoon. Afterwards, he had sessions with his coach. As the Unveil approached, his mentoring sessions for both his songwriting and his vocal lessons were becoming even more frequent.

To Seungmin’s surprise, he was enjoying the whole process. Music was a vastly different field from magic. Seungmin had always been fond of listening to songs back in the real world. When he was in a good mood, he even liked to sing. But to have this opportunity now to immerse himself in the technical aspects of something he genuinely liked, he felt like a new world had opened up for him.

Today, he had finally decided on the title of the song that he would be performing for the showcase.

Stars and Raindrops

The song was about how the most beautiful parts of a past relationship shone in his memories like stars. Meanwhile, the aspects that he wasn’t so proud of felt like raindrops. They both fell from the sky, but one made you feel hopeful, while the other made you feel cold.

He already had several drafts of the song, but there was still much work to do. There were many details that had to be finalized and he ultimately had to decide on the final version. It was only then that he could fully focus on practicing and performing it. Since he was really into music, he had a certain sound that he wanted to achieve. He had many ideas and he just had to make it all come together nicely.

It was the end of the day and he was looking forward to sharing all of this with Hyunjin. Unfortunately, the dorm room was still empty when he walked inside. Since it had been a full day, he didn’t have the chance to message him at all. It was only around 9 PM so he wasn’t surprised that he was not yet in their room. He just assumed that he was at the work room, busy completing his paintings. The Unveil was just a few weeks away now and so most of the graduating students were busy.

Seungmin decided to get ready for bed while he was waiting for Hyunjin to come home.

After changing into his sleepwear and settling into bed, he decided to read through the drafts of his song. The first verse and the chorus were turning out the way he wanted it to. He just needed a bit more time on the second verse and the bridge. He also wanted to make the last chorus impactful. He spent the rest of the night writing and seeing which lyrics would best convey the feelings that he wished to express through this song.

Since he was deeply immersed in the writing process, he barely even noticed the time. When he finally looked up from his notebook and managed to check his phone, it was already around midnight.

Hyunjin was still nowhere to be found.

They had agreed before that they would give a heads up if either of them were going home past 10 PM. Hyunjin had always followed this. Seungmin was now worried that something must have happened to him.

First, he messaged him to ask where he was. Hyunjin usually replied almost instantly to his messages. And so when the message was left on delivered for longer than 10 minutes, Seungmin grew even more worried.

Next, he tried calling Hyunjin. None of his calls were going through.

Where are you?

This feeling, he really hated it. This was what he felt when they couldn’t find or contact Hyunjin in Yellow Wood. He started to feel the fear creeping in, the fear that he had lost him again.

Since he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep in this situation anyway, he decided to go out and look for him.

Seungmin’s first instinct was of course to go to the work room.

Seungmin took a peek through the tiny window on the door. At first, he didn’t see anyone. But the lights were on and Hyunjin typically made sure to turn off the lights whenever he left this room. He searched the room a bit more and that was when he noticed something different.

He could see a portion of a blue blanket laid out on the floor. He thought that that was unusual and so he strained to get a better view.

That’s when he realized that it was Hyunjin stretched out on the floor, bundled up in his hoodie and his blue blanket.

He was fast asleep.

Without any hesitation at all, Seungmin opened the door and walked inside.

He went closer to where Hyunjin was. He could hear him sniffling as he slept. Beside him was a bottle of water and a small container of medicine. It was painfully apparent that Hyunjin was sick.

Seungmin leaned over Hyunjin and felt his forehead using the back of his hand.

He was warmer than usual.

He also noticed Hyunjin’s phone beside him. It was clearly out of battery. That explained why he wasn’t answering his messages and why his calls weren’t connecting earlier.

Seungmin let out an exasperated sigh.

For the most part, Seungmin felt relieved. Hyunjin was right here, within reach. He could see him, he could touch him. That’s what mattered the most.

But beyond that, Seungmin felt some frustration.

Why the heck did you hide yourself away if you knew you were sick?

He removed the jacket that he was wearing and placed it over Hyunjin so that he could have some extra warmth.

Seungmin felt displeased, and frankly, a little angry. He thought that this was reckless of Hyunjin to do.

Why didn’t he tell me any of this? I could’ve taken care of him

He first made sure that Hyunjin was feeling comfortable and warm enough before he settled himself by the corner to mull over the situation and his feelings over it. He allowed the frustration to dissipate. He suddenly remembered the instances when he had done the same to Hyunjin back then. When he had deliberately hidden things from him because he didn’t want him to worry and when he thought he was doing what was best for him. Seungmin considered that maybe Hyunjin had the same sentiments in mind.

Seungmin recalled the time when he fainted and fell sick. He pleaded with Jisung not to tell Hyunjin about what happened. It was one of the things that hurt him in the end, that Hyunjin had stopped being present for things like that.

But then he started to wonder if he had some fault in it too. When things had begun to get difficult at work, why didn’t he share that with Hyunjin? And when his health started suffering from the stress, why didn’t he ask him to be there? If he himself had reached out to Hyunjin and shared his burdens with him, would they have been able to fix things? If he had shared his worries more instead of carrying the weight all by himself, would things have worked out better for them? As he sat there, he was suddenly plagued by all of these questions.

Back then, he was afraid to take away Hyunjin from his dream, but maybe he should have acknowledged the fact that Hyunjin was more than willing to make space for him. All he had to do was ask.

Calling out Hyunjin for it now was as good as calling himself out for how he acted back then.

They may not be able to change the mistakes from the past but they could start making better decisions now.

You should have allowed me to be here for you

He had no one to voice out his thoughts and feelings to but himself. Maybe he was hearing the words that Hyunjin would have told him back then. When he made the choice to keep his own troubles from Hyunjin, maybe he also felt the same isolation and helplessness that he was feeling now.

I wished you trusted me to take care of you

And as Hyunjin suffered through his fever, Seungmin could only watch as he suffered through his own thoughts and regrets.

—-----

Hyunjin remembered feeling a little faint the night before. He was in the middle of painting one of his pieces for the exhibition. He was able to power through the first couple of hours, but now, the cold was getting worse and he felt the need to lie down.

Without much thought, he decided that he was going to rest a little. Maybe after a little nap he would feel better. He set his alarm for 30 minutes.

What he failed to check was the percentage of battery left on his phone. There was only around 20% left and he had forgotten both his charger and his powerbank in the dorm room. He fell asleep without noticing any of this.

When he finally came to, he had a feeling that he had slept for quite a long time. The headache that had been terrorizing him the night before had subsided significantly. He was still sniffling, but the “nap” definitely helped. He felt around for his phone. He pushed the power button, expecting the screen to light up as it usually did. But it didn’t.

It was out of battery.

That was when he felt a sense of dread. His nap had gone far longer than he had planned. He forgot to tell Seungmin that he was going to sleep here.

Seungmin

Hyunjin strained to get up and finally noticed the jacket that was draped over him. This was Seungmin’s. He frantically looked around and found the owner of the jacket by the corner.

Seungmin was seated against the wall, hugging his knees, fast asleep. His position couldn’t have been comfortable and he had likely been stuck like that all night.

Hyunjin felt a tug in his heart. He felt some guilt for putting Seungmin in this position, but he felt even more guilt that he somehow liked it. He liked that Seungmin went out of his way to look for him. He liked that Seungmin stayed until he fell asleep.

I only know of one other person who is foolish enough to do these things for me

Once more, he was reminded of the boy who snuck out late into the night just to go see him at the infirmary. The one who stayed and cried with him. The one whose hand he held as they both fell asleep beside each other.

Why are you so much like him?

Hyunjin allowed himself to consider the possibility.

Are you…?

Just then, Seungmin shifted around, probably feeling the discomfort on his shoulders. Hyunjin could see the pained expression on his face and immediately got up from where he was. Seungmin also noticed that he was awake.

“I’m so sorry I forgot to tell you,” Hyunjin said, crawling to where Seungmin sat. He settled himself close to him. “I fell asleep and my phone was dead and—--”

“You don’t have to explain, I kind of figured it out,” Seungmin replied, shaking his head. Hyunjin sensed that there was a hint of agitation in his tone.

“Are you mad?” Hyunjin asked. “You’re so busy preparing for your song. I didn’t think it would be good if you caught a cold from me.”

Seungmin looked at him.

“Well, isn’t it better if I get one now rather than later. The Unveil is still more than a month away, I’ll manage,” he responded sarcastically.

“You’re speaking the words of a fool,” Hyunjin retorted.

“I need to take care of an even bigger fool. We’re in the same boat,” Seungmin countered.

Maybe it was the stress and the lack of sleep, but Hyunjin had never heard this tone from him before. It wasn’t exactly anger. It sounded more like irritation mixed with disappointment.

“Why are you mad? I just didn’t want you to get sick too,” Hyunjin explained.

“I’m not mad,” Seungmin replied, his tone betraying his words.

He sighed before continuing, “You said that I should let you take care of me, so you should let me take care of you too. You hid yourself away here before you even asked for my help.”

Hyunjin nodded. This was the first time that Hyunjin was hearing Seungmin speak so bluntly. It was new to hear this kind of tone from Seungmin since he almost always spoke to him with warmth.

“I got it, I’m sorry.”

This seemed to pacify the situation. Seungmin’s expression started to lighten up.

“How are you feeling?” He asked, sounding more concerned now.

Hyunjin gave him a small smile. “I’m feeling a lot better than yesterday. Sleeping helped a lot.”

Before Hyunjin could react, Seungmin reached out to feel his forehead. Hyunjin could feel the warmth of Seungmin’s hand on his face. He could also feel his cheeks getting warm from the gesture.

“Definitely better than when I last checked,” Seungmin confirmed.

Hyunjin was still recovering from Seungmin’s touch. Without thinking, he grasped Seungmin’s hand just as he was taking it back.

Hyunjin couldn’t help but act on the thoughts that he had earlier. He had momentarily been caught up in Seungmin’s change of mood. But even that tone was something that he had heard before. In the rare times that he and Seungmin fought in the past, this was exactly how he sounded. He usually waited until he was at the threshold of his patience before finally speaking to Hyunjin. That bluntness in his voice would come out and then he would take it back once he had let it out.

Is it you?

What if this person truly was Seungmin? There were far too many coincidences. By looking at this person in front of him, Hyunjin was no longer sure if he was just remembering Seungmin or if he was recognizing him.

“Seungminnie,” Hyunjin said, looking him in the eye.

He said his name the way he did before, trying to incite a reaction from the other boy.

He couldn’t understand why he was taking it like this. He couldn’t understand what came over him. If it were Seungmin, wasn’t he giving himself away too much? If it were Seungmin, shouldn’t he be angry that he had been here this whole time and didn’t tell him? Shouldn’t he feel a sense of betrayal?

But no, he didn’t feel any anger nor any other negative emotion. The relationship that they had built together these past few months had shielded him from that.

Right now, he just wanted to know.

“What is it?” Seungmin asked, his gaze faltering. He seemed nervous.

Hyunjin caught this change in his expression. That he didn’t act at all shocked that he called him that way was more than enough.

Maybe he was overthinking this. Maybe he was wrong in his assumptions. Hyunjin didn’t know how, but he knew because he could feel it. But it wasn’t something that he could prove nor was it something he could ask outright.

If it really were him, it also didn’t look like Seungmin was ready to tell him. He had to let it go for now.

“What time is it?” Hyunjin asked, turning over Seungmin’s hand to look at his watch.

Seungmin let him. He gingerly took back his hand once Hyunjin was done.

“It’s only 5 AM. Let’s go back to the dorm so you can lie down on your own bed.”

Hyunjin agreed to this without any protest. Together, they packed up the remainder of his things.

Hyunjin still had many questions in his head, but he tried his best to keep them silent. The answers can wait another day, another week, another month. There was no rush in finding out.

For so long, he had lost himself. Right now, he was slowly being acquainted with the feeling of being found again. He was slowly making his way back to himself. If this person that was walking beside him really was Seungmin, that would make this whole experience even more meaningful.

If he could find his way back to himself, maybe they could find their way back to each other too.

Chapter Text

“Will you let me hear your song?”

In the past few months, Hyunjin had often seen Seungmin working on his song for the Unveil. But it didn’t look like Seungmin was willing to share it just yet. They were just a couple of weeks away from the showcase, so the song must already be written and done.

Seungmin turned from where he had been sitting. He had been on his desk all night in front of his laptop, finishing up on a few more details of his performance. Meanwhile, Hyunjin had been busy sketching away on his bed. As with most nights, it was a calm and quiet night for the two.

“I’ll let you hear it during the Unveil. I want the song to be perfect before I let anyone else listen,” Seungmin said in response to Hyunjin’s question.

Hyunjin raised an eyebrow at him, “Am I ‘anyone else?’”

Seungmin chuckled at the slight whining in Hyunjin’s voice.

“No, but I think you deserve to hear the best version of it,” he replied with resolve.

Hyunjin smiled and turned his attention back to his sketchbook. Seungmin also turned his attention back to his laptop.

“Understood, Seungminnie.”

Seungminnie

Seungmin noticed that Hyunjin had been calling him that nickname a lot these days. The first time it happened, he thought that Hyunjin was just being delirious from his condition. He didn’t think much of it, but he did notice the intent behind Hyunjin’s tone. Maybe he was just imagining things, but he could hear a sense of tenderness and warmth whenever he said his name.

A very familiar tenderness and warmth, one that he had heard many times before.

It was as if he knew.

Seungmin was worried at first, preparing for the inevitable confrontation that could come at any moment. But Hyunjin never brought it up again.

Except that, he started using his nickname more frequently.

“How about you? How are your paintings?” Seungmin asked, shifting his fixation away from the nickname.

“I’m in the last few pieces. I think I’ll be done right in time for the exhibition. I’ve seen the space where it’s all going to be displayed and I already have an idea about how I’m going to present them,” Hyunjin explained.

“Will you let me see your paintings?”

Since both of them had been busy with preparations, Seungmin had not had the chance to visit the workroom recently. They mostly just met up at the start of the day and then at the end of the night.

Hyunjin shook his head, “You also deserve to see the best version.”

“Okay fine,” Seungmin said, surrendering. “Let’s both surprise each other then.”

“I’m sure your song will turn out great,” Hyunjin remarked.

“I hope it gets through to the one I’m singing to,” Seungmin said, keeping his eyes on the screen. He wasn’t prepared to see the expression on Hyunjin’s face. He wasn’t sure what prompted him to say it, but he felt like he wanted to.

A beat of silence.

“Will he be there?” Hyunjin finally asked, his voice sounding smaller than before.

Seungmin paused before answering, choosing whether to be honest or to use a diversion tactic.

He brought this upon himself.

“Yes,” he finally said. He chose the truth as had never been a good liar. “Do you think he wants to hear what I have to say?”

Hyunjin took his time in answering. The pauses in the conversation seemed to drag on even longer in Seungmin’s ears.

“There’s no harm in trying.”

Hyunjin started putting away his sketchbook and his pens after that.

“Anyway, I’m feeling a little sleepy. You should turn in soon too.”

“I will,” Seungmin said, facing Hyunjin. “Good night.”

“Good night, Seungminnie.”

In the quiet of the night, the metronome of Seungmin’s heart was a melody.

—---

It was finally the day of the Unveil.

Today was a full day for Seungmin. He would be busy preparing for his stage—from going to the rehearsals, preparing the props and the costume, and coordinating with the band. His performance was still for the evening, but his schedule from morning until afternoon was packed. Because of this, he wouldn’t be able to make time for Hyunjin’s exhibit since they were all happening on the same day. Hyunjin promised him that he would have his own private viewing after the show. It would be better too since the exhibit crowd would have cleared by then.

“I saved you a spot in the front row,” Seungmin said. It was the morning of the showcase and they were both busy packing up the things they would be needing for the rest of the day.

Hyunjin turned to look at him.

“I’m honored to finally hear the song,” he answered, smiling excitedly. He had this deep fondness in his eyes as he gazed at Seungmin. Seungmin looked down, shying away from the attention.

“Maybe I hyped it too much, but I hope you like it anyway,” Seungmin replied, closing his eyes and putting his palms together.

Hyunjin laughed.

“I’m sure that I’ll love it,” he reassured him.

Hyunjin briefly looked at his watch. It was almost time for the gallery set-up.

“I’ll see you later,” Hyunjin said, tucking away the last of his things. While the other boy was distracted, he reached out to gently pat the back of Seungmin’s head.

Hyunjin walked towards the door and left the room. Seungmin stood there, still surprised by the affectionate gesture.

Hyunjin was like that these days, bolder and warmer. The way he interacted with Seungmin had gradually changed. It started with the nickname. Now, he wasn’t afraid to reach out and touch him. Seungmin noticed too that Hyunjin would stare at him and smile at him just a second longer than he usually would. He also sent more messages throughout the day. He would check if he had his lunch already or just share a tidbit about what he was currently doing.

These were surprising changes now, but they were also familiar to him.

It was exactly how they were back then.

Could he recognize him? Or had he fallen for this version of him that only existed in this parallel universe?

Seungmin badly wished that it was the former. He was finally ready to drop the mask that he had been wearing this whole time. Through this stage and this song, he hoped that Hyunjin would be able to see him.

—---

It was time for Seungmin’s performance.

Seungmin stepped onto the stage with grace and confidence. He was taking all of this in stride, much more calmly than he thought. He had never performed in public before this, but he had always enjoyed singing. Hyunjin knew his love for music too. He had sung for him many times before when it was just the two of them or around their friends.

He allowed the music in the background to ease him into the mood of the song.

As the melody of the piano played, he took his queue, the way he practiced again and again. He wanted this moment to be perfect.

If I hadn't let go until the end, would we have been happy again?

He started the verse with one honest question. That what-if that had remained in his mind all this time. He had imagined a different reality for him and Hyunjin countless times, but always, always had to accept the harsh reality in the end. All he could do was ask himself again and again.

Thoughts keep growing in my head

Regret keeps growing in my heart

He sang with only one thing—one person in mind. That one person in the crowd who he hoped would listen and read between the lines. That one person who he was singing these words to.

For the first time, he was being completely honest with his feelings.

In the еnd, I'm left alone at night
Our memoriеs together become stars

Seungmin poured his heart into singing the chorus, wishing that his message would get across. What he wished to say was that he had always kept their beautiful memories in his heart. They never left. He had never forgotten. Not once. Not ever.

The beautiful times we had together

The moments sparkle

It shines in my heart

And when he started singing the bridge, he wished that the music could carry his regrets away. There were things that he could no longer change, words that he could never take away. And all of that hurt him and broke him too. Maybe Hyunjin felt that he had been alone with his pain these past few years, but Seungmin was also silently carrying it with him. Yes, he had moved forward with his life, but that didn’t mean that he had left these pieces behind.

At the end of our shining memories
Dark clouds gather
Our last scene
Become drops of rain

As the song neared its ending with the final chorus, Seungmin hoped that his voice was loud and clear and beautiful.

Until today, I can’t forget the way we were when we were together.

Seungmin sang the song without any expectations. He made sure not to burden Hyunjin with that. To say I love you would have been too much, too overwhelming, with the time that has passed between them. And yet it would also be too simple, too easy, with everything they had gone through together. So instead, he chose to say I haven’t forgotten. He wasn’t seeking any sort of answer or response from Hyunjin through this song. If he had anything to say at this moment, he simply wanted to tell him that their relationship was precious, that he remembers it as clear as day. That to him, it had never stopped being special. That despite the painful memories, it was the beautiful moments that shone the brightest in his heart.

He never put it behind him, they would always be at the forefront. While Hyunjin had been struggling to remember this whole time, Seungmin never actually forgot.

Seungmin smiled at the audience and accepted their applause. He took a bow and waved at the people in the crowd. That was when he caught sight of Hyunjin in the front row, standing with the rest of the guests and smiling at him. He had a bouquet of flowers in his hands. Seungmin didn’t feel nervous at all when he first stood on stage, but as soon as their eyes met, he could feel his heartbeat hike up in his chest.

Were you listening?

Seungmin smiled back, making it very clear that Hyunjin was the one he was smiling at. His eyes were only for him. In an auditorium full of students and strangers alike, the song was for him and him alone. Seungmin kept his gaze on Hyunjin until the stage lights started to dim, preparing for the next performer.

Seungmin let go of the mic and was led towards the backstage by the directors who also congratulated him on his performance. He thanked the band and the rest of the staff as he returned to his spot in one of the back rooms. He accepted the congratulations and compliments from the people that passed him by. After this, he still had one more thing in his schedule.

Hyunjin’s exhibit.

As he was hurrying to fix his things and pack-up, his phone lit up.

It was a message from Hyunjin.

My singer

Seungmin felt the flutter in his heart.

I’m waiting for you at the exhibit

With shaky hands, Seungmin replied right away.

I'll be there soon

Seungmin packed up the rest of his belongings inside his bag then stood up to go. While everyone else was busy chatting away, celebrating, and taking pictures, the only thought in his mind was to get to the boy that was waiting for him as soon as possible.