Archive of Our Own ^beta

he’d take the world off my shoulders if it was ever hard to move

he'd turn the rain to a rainbow when I was living in the blue

There’s a soft hum that escapes Yuto’s throat, vibrating, as if he has never been as content as he’s right here in Hyunggu’s embrace. His lips move quickly and hungrily. He’s impatient and all he wants is right there as his hands slip under the other man’s shirt. His hands feel cold against Hyunggu’s skin. He’s kissing him as if the other is his air to breathe. As if Hyunggu’s lips are his lifeline.

Yuto’s hands grip Hyunggu’s waist tightly, his fingernails are digging into his boyfriend’s back. It’s as if he has never held anything or anyone this precious. As if he wants to prevent the other slipping right through.

Hyunggu welcomes the touch, the feeling of being wanted. He begs for more, pulls the other one’s hair a little harsher. He wants to sink into it— wants to be yearned for and desired like this forever. Kissing Yuto is easy. He makes it simple, effortless. It’s easy how their saliva covered lips stick together, how their hands naturally find each other’s bodies. 

He likes it. He likes these making out sessions. He likes pretending that his heart is fully and entirely Yuto’s. It’s easy, easier than admitting that there’s a name lingering on the tip of his tongue. That there’s the feeling of someone else’s touch on his mind. It’s easier than admitting that Yuto has never been able to send shivers down his spine like that.

Hyunggu doesn’t really remember how this happened. The last few months were a blur, really. But sometimes strangers in the darkness of his midnight walks can turn into familiar faces. He doesn’t really remember the first time he kissed Yuto. He only remembers how much he wanted it, how much he wanted to feel the way he used to. He remembers that there were no fireworks, no goosebumps, no butterflies. But being with Yuto is comfortable.

Yuto cooks dinner for him after a long day of work. Yuto has memorised every single one of Hyunggu’s favorite movies. Yuto has learned songs for him on the guitar. Yuto kisses his forehead when his boyfriend wakes up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night after he once again dreamed of someone else.

It’s like a dream, really. Yuto makes time for Hyunggu. He makes polite banter with his parents and invites his friends to hang out. He takes him on dates. Picnics, the movies, museums, restaurants, swimming, shopping, libraries. Hyunggu can think of a hundred places that his boyfriend has taken him to just to see him smile.

why then, if he is so perfect do I still wish that it was you?

There’s something so beautiful about being with Yuto. It’s being wanted and adored. Hyunggu used to pray to every deity in the universe for someone like this man. He used to toss coins into wells and wish for a man who loved every piece of him with all his might. And here he is, smiling softly against Hyunggu’s mouth as they try to catch their breath. His eyes meet the other’s. He chuckles. “I love you.” Yuto whispers and Hyunggu knows he means it.

“I love you too.” He gasps back but the words have a sour aftertaste. They feel wrong. Out of place. He isn’t meant to say them, not to him. But Yuto’s hand ghosts over Hyunggu’s lower back and it feels too good. Maybe Hyunggu loves him, or maybe he just loves being loved. 

〰

perfect don't mean that it's working

so what can I do?

Hyunggu offers a smile when he opens the door to see his partner’s face. Yuto looks handsome, he’s wearing loose pants and a plain shirt tucked into it. His hair is shorter than the last time Hyunggu saw him, three days ago. He tries to lean in to kiss him but Yuto pushes him away gently. His face is grim and his eyes look sad as he looks for something in the other’s face. 

“Can we talk?” He asks. His voice is frail and low, almost too quiet to hear. 

It’s easy. Hyunggu knows what’s coming. He’s heard it before, felt it before. The coldness radiating from Yuto is all too familiar. Their arms brush as the taller of them leads them into the living room and Hyunggu feels a slight tingle as their skin touches. It’s the same as always. Maybe he’s already fallen for him. But maybe it’s too late to admit that now.

Yuto clears his throat as he sits on the old worn out couch, elbows resting on his thighs. His fingers are folded together and Hyunggu wonders if he can make it right with one more sorry , one more desperate kiss and one more hug. But he knows better.

He sits down beside the other and waits. His heart doesn’t pound with nervousness, his throat doesn’t swell up with sorrow. He’s calm. He knows what’s coming.

“Hyunggu…” Yuto begins. He looks down at his hands. He looks so small here, in the apartment that will never be home to either of them because for Hyunggu it’s nothing but a relic of his past and he’s never planned for the other to move in here. It would feel wrong, letting someone else’s scent burn into the walls.

He waits patiently. It isn’t hard, it doesn’t hurt. 

“I love you, Hyunggu. I know it’s stupid but I was so desperate to make this work, to make you love me back.”

Hyunggu clears his throat. “I do love you.” He says. They both know it’s a lie. His tongue has memorised the way of saying those words. It comes out like a habit. It has no meaning.

Yuto looks up at him. Hyunggu sees it right there, the same painful expression.

cause sometimes I look in his eyes and that's where I find a glimpse of us

“I don’t blame you for trying. It’s just… I noticed it. I noticed it long ago but I tried to ignore it because I so badly wanted us to work. But whenever I kiss you you aren’t kissing me . You’re kissing him .” He smiles sadly and a stray tear runs down his cheek. Hyunggu wants to wipe it away but he doesn’t feel like he has the right to.

“Hyunggu, you’re not a bad person and it’s my fault for allowing myself to be the one who falls deeper. I just wish you hadn’t let me. I wish you’d been colder to me so that this would be easier to say.”

He’s lying. Hyunggu is a bad person. He’s selfish and really he doesn’t feel hurt. That’s the worst part. “I’m sorry, Yuto.” He says. The words feel sincere, for the first time in a while he means something. He’s telling the truth.

“You should allow yourself to heal first before you break someone else’s heart again.” Yuto says and the way he swallows makes it clear he’s holding back a sob. “I’ll end things here before you can do more damage.”

Hyunggu can’t blame him but the words sting just a little. Yuto doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve the pain of knowing that he’s always been the only one really wanting in their relationship.

said I'm fine and said I moved on

But he isn’t him .

〰

when you're out of sight

in my mind

Hyunggu’s bed is cold and the clock on his nightstand tells him that he’s been trying to fall asleep for three hours to no avail. He knows that he’ll have to go to work tomorrow, that he will have to function normally and pretend that he doesn’t feel horrible.

It’s not a heartache. He doesn’t mind Yuto’s absence. Doesn’t mind the fact that he hadn’t received a goodnight text. 

He feels like a monster instead. Cruel, ruthless, harsh. Selfish for missing the feeling of lips on his neck and a hand on his thigh. He wants to be wanted again, maybe just for one night.

It’s been like this for a year now. One year and yet he hasn’t stopped craving for one person. The one who shattered his heart. The worst part is that it was his own fault back then too. 

Wooseok and him didn’t have a perfect relationship. Wooseok didn’t love him like Yuto. Wooseok was so different. He kissed lazily, he preferred calling instead of texting. He didn’t take Hyunggu on dates. They were simply a secret, only existing in the space of Hyunggu’s bedroom, skin on skin under his sheets.

And Hyunggu was the one who messed it all up. He got too greedy and met Wooseok’s need for a slower pace with anger and silent treatment. He wanted the other’s all and yet wasn’t ready to give his own everything.

And Wooseok is still there, lingering in his thoughts. Hyunggu knows how his lips taste, how his voice sounds, how his fingers feel. Even after a year he’s in love with his ex. It’s a shameful love, it hurts and tears him apart from the inside. But it’s just as addictive as the touch of someone else has been.

He reaches for his phone and dials the number without thinking. He shouldn’t, but he can’t help it, not when he’s all alone now.

Wooseok picks up way too fast. “ Hyunggu? ” He asks. He sounds worried. “ Did something happen? It’s four o’clock. ”

His voice is so familiar, so warm. Hyunggu wants to listen to him for the rest of his life, wants to be the only person who gets to hear it. “Yuto broke up with me.” He says. The words roll off his tongue with ease, as if he’s just announcing the weather. 

“ Oh. ”

“I miss you.” Hyunggu says. He sits up in his bed and looks at the call screen, at the heart emoji behind Wooseok’s name that he hasn’t had the guts to remove. It’s the whole truth. It’s genuine. He hears the other man sigh.

“ Are you drunk? ” Wooseok asks. “ Why did you call? ”

It’s stupid, childish. “I love you.” Hyunggu whispers into the phone. It’s true. 

“ Who are you talking to? ” A different voice. Hyunggu knows who it is, of course. Of course he knows that Wooseok’s heart belongs to someone else already. He feels stupid but he wants to listen to his ex talk just a little longer. 

is this a part of your story? one that I had never lived

“ Hyunggu… do us both a favor and don’t call me anymore. ” Wooseok says. He sounds defeated. “ It’s been a long time. ”

He hangs up before Hyunggu can say anything else and silence settles quickly as ever. It engulfs him, swallows him whole.

maybe you'll start slipping slowly and find me again