Archive of Our Own ^beta

Sophie was smart, she was beautiful, she was funny, she was caring, she was kind, she was brave (so brave, braver than he could ever possibly even dream to be), she was everything anyone could ever want.

That's why Dex Dizznee definitely had a crush on her. He wanted to be close to her, to be able to hang out with her more often than they normally did. Because they never seemed to hang out anymore. It was always Sophie and Keefe, or Sophie and Fitz. Never Dex. He wanted to hold her hands and cuddle with her.

He was in love. Plain and simple.

Even if the thought of kissing her made his stomach flop and his knees want to give out under him. And not in a good way.

That was all part of love. Is it?

This was what love was, right? He didn't truly think it was

It had to be. Right?

~~~~~~~~

He loved her.

That was why he had made crush cuffs - it was something people who had crushes did. It was literally in the name. But did he really have a crush?

And when Sophie asked him to close his eyes, he did so without hesitation. Because this was Sophie, he trusted her without a doubt.

And when he felt her breath on his lips, he didn't move. Maybe shift a bit, but didn't move.

And then she was kissing him, and he was frozen. Because she was kissing him and oh god she was kissing him what was he supposed to do-

He should kiss back right? Yeah. But what did he do with his hands? Hold her cheek maybe? That seemed weird, but isn't that a thing people do when they kiss? Oh god what if his breath smelled bad? Would that ruin this? Why did he kind of want to ruin it?

And then they were apart again.

~~~~~~~~

If he had loved her, why was he curled up in a ball on his bed crying? It wasn't because she didn't return the feelings, was it? What feelings were there in the first place, though?

It was because of the kiss.

But isn't that what he should have wanted, if he loved her? To kiss her? Why was it making him cry?

"I don't know! I don't know anything!"

It was true. He didn't know anything. He didn't know anything about crushes, he didn't know anything about love, he didn't know anything about kissing, he didn't know anything about these normal things.

Did anyone know how crushes worked though? How did anyone know when they were in love? How did these things work?

He grabbed a piece of tech from his desk. Hearing the hum in his ears. Feeling the smooth metal under his fingers.

Technology always made him feel better. It was complicated, but not like people. He was able to take it apart and see how it worked. Put it back together with improvements.

He sighed, and set it back on the desk.

He understood technology. He didn't understand love.

Love was a ridiculous, tangled mess of emotions. Could Empaths even understand it? Or was it just more complicated than it already was?

Ridiculous. That was what love was. Ridiculous and incompressible.

No one actually knew if they were in love, right? No one could understand it. Dex wasn't all alone in his feelings.

Of course he's alone.  Because surely Sophie didn't feel like this. She was the one he kissed him, after all. Why would she feel this horrible about it? It only him that felt this way.

People talked about love as though they understood it, but that was impossible, right? It was normal to not understand these things. He isn't normal. He's the only one that doesn't understand. Him, and him alone.

He buried his face in his pillow. It helped to muffle the sobs.

Here he is.

Alone again.

Alone in his feelings. Alone in his thoughts. Alone in his room. Alone in his crys.

Always alone.

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.