Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jane stepped out of the car. Her mother’s estate was familiar, very familiar. She had never put too much focus on maintaining the property. Neighbors were constantly complaining about how their lawn was always overgrown. And the trees. And how the fence was old and rotting. She’d always taken care of Jane’s flowers, though, even when she was away for school. Those flowers hadn’t been watered for a few weeks, and were probably dead now.

With that exception, there was no sign she had ever been here, nor that she was now gone. Nothing but Jane.

The sound of Aunt Jade shutting the trunk hatch drew her attention. Jake was climbing out the other side of the car.

“Ready?” she asked, a couple of bags of groceries on each arm. Jake was carrying their bags.

“Yeah,” Jane responded. She fished around in her backpack for the house key, then she flung it over her shoulder and grabbed her suitcase with the other hand.

She walked through the front door as she had countless times before. She showed the two around a small portion of the house, including a few guest rooms. They each picked one to stay in. Then she showed them to the kitchen. Jade quickly got to work putting away the groceries.

Jane felt awkward. Jake looked awkward. And she had the feeling that as soon as Jade ran out of things to do she would quickly become awkward. Fortunately, she seemed to have the most social awareness of the three of them.

“You can go off to your room if you want; we should be able to handle ourselves from here.”

“Thanks.” She walked off and up the stairs, taking familiar turns and hallways until arriving at a very, very familiar door. She opened it and stepped in. It hadn’t changed in the five months she was gone. She closed the door behind her and then flopped down on the bed, face first. Her glasses were pushed up into her face at an awkward angle and she lifted her head to take them off.

And just like that, for the first time in a long time, she was alone. She tried not to think about anything, failing in a most spectacular fashion.

She hadn’t been incredibly close with her mother, who had taken a rather hands-off approach to parenting. Jane had once asked her why she was given so much freedom compared to the other kids she knew. Her answer had been that, with the right support, she knew Jane would grow to be a wonderful person all on her own. Even so, she’d always been there when Jane needed her, always willing to lend a hand, and downright scary when she wanted to be. But she’d never scared Jane, and she always helped when she needed it.

Four weeks ago, Jane had received news that her mother had been involved in a car crash. Nothing too dramatic, but fatal nonetheless. Her grandfather had died before she was born, and hadn’t had any siblings, so Jade took custody. Her other mother had had a family, but they hadn’t so much as bothered to show up to the funeral. She had a feeling they’d much more eagerly come to the will reading, since they were promised to be given something. Apparently even filthy gay money was worth something to them.

She rolled over and pulled out her phone, mindlessly scrolling through the only social media she could stomach. Pretty much every other one she had tried seemed to feed off of controversy and outrage, and she ended up dropping them quickly. It didn’t do much to take her mind off things. She received a message.

TT: Back in town yet?
GG: Yeah.
TT: Still want to hit the town?

She mulled it over for a moment. As much as a part of her wanted to curl up and die for a bit, she knew it’d be best to have a good friend or two to help her through this.

GG: Yeah, sure.
GG: Roxy still on?
TT: Yup.
TT: I’m heading out in a few minutes, we’re meeting in front of the old theater.
GG: Gotcha.

She almost went back to doomscrolling before catching herself. She rolled out of bed, sneakers hitting the floor. She walked downstairs, stopping by the living room where Jade was trying to figure out the TV.

“Hey, I’m heading out.”

“Where you going?”

“Meeting some friends in town; you remember Dirk and Roxy?”

“Of course. They seemed wonderful.”

“Alright, later.”

“Wait, one thing, could you take Jake with you?” She winced slightly at Jane’s reaction. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, I just thought it’d be nice if you could show him around a little bit. It’s fine, I could show him some other time.”
Jane occasionally forgot that Jade had grown up in this town too before moving out.

“You know what? Yeah, I’ll take him along. Might be fun.”

“Thanks.” She smiled, then walked down the hall to the room Jake had picked. The two came back a few moments later.

“Alright, let’s go,” he said, expression permanently nonplussed. Jane led him out and through the old, winding roads of her hometown. Once they crossed a few of the busier streets they stuck to one sidewalk until the theater tower came into sight. A few blocks later, a pair of familiar figures came into view.

“Sup.” Dirk spoke as soon as they came into earshot.

“Still wearing those shades?”

“Of course not. I had to go up a size since the last time we met.”

“Are you ever going to tell me where you get those things?”

“Not a chance,” he said at the same time as Roxy mouthed ‘Hot Topic’ behind him.

“Who’s this by the way?” she asked once the two had shared a giggle.

“This is Jake, my cousin.”

“Cousin?”

“On June’s side. I’ve met maybe three of my other cousins and none of them left a good impression.”

“Huh,” they both said, practically in unison.

“Hiya there!” he said, chuckling slightly.

“Alright, pretty boy,” Roxy said playfully, “let’s show you around.”

Dirk elbowed her in the arm, smirking, and they started down the street.

“I thought we were seeing a movie?” Jake said, confused.

“This place look open to you?” Dirk shot over his shoulder. Jake looked at it, apparently for the first time, and realized that it had paper taped over all of the glass.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, the place closed down about a year ago,” Jane said, starting after the two. “Found out last winter break.”

“Unlucky,” he remarked, following them.

“Pretty much everything’s closing down these days,” Roxy said. “Now that everything’s online, ol’ mom and pop shops can’t stay afloat.”

“The ice cream parlor downtown is still open though, isn’t it?” Jane asked.

“Yeah, but barely,” Dirk answered.

“How about we head down there then?”

The two shrugged, then steered them around in the shop's direction.

The place hadn’t changed for as long as Jane could remember, and according to her mother, since it had first opened in the seventies. Which must have meant that even back then the light-up sign hadn’t worked. The glass double-doors squeaked as they opened.

“Jane!” called out an old woman from the counter. “There’s a face I haven’t seen for some time.”

“Hi, Mrs. Harper.”

“How has school been these last few months?”

“Same as always, time-consuming, but rewarding.”

“Ha! That’s good to hear. You’ve a good head on your shoulders, young lady.”

She smiled.

“Oh, and terribly sorry about your mother. She was a good friend of ours for such a long time. I remember serving her when she was your age.”

“Thank you,” she said back.

“Tell you what. If you and your friends are here for ice cream, anything you want’s on the house.”

“Oh, you really don’t have to-”

“Nonsense! It’s the least I can do for my best customer’s little girl.”

She sheepishly accepted, and the four ordered. Jane’s french vanilla tasted the same as it always had, except somehow sweeter. If she put any thought into it, she might have said that it tasted like home.

Chapter Text

Jane lay awake, the day’s events stirring in her mind. So many things had changed while she was away, and yet it was still somehow the same old town. Walking to the parlor they had passed all the same buildings she’d passed a thousand times before, but now they stood empty. The theater, once a bustling hub of activity, was closed, locked, and deserted. She remembered seeing a community showing of Midsummer there. She thought she remembered at least. The plot seemed to escape her at the moment.

She’d gone with her mom. That’s what she remembered. Her and mom and Rose and Roxy. Rose had been close with her mom. Jane wondered how she was doing. The two had had all sorts of in-jokes and old debates. Walking out of that theater gave Jane the impression that her mom was a lot more clever than she usually let on. “Trolling”, she’d have called it. Jane never really understood it. She could probably ask Dirk to explain all the performance and subtle jabs that went into it; that was the kind of thing he’d know about.

June Egbert was an interesting woman. That was all almost anyone ever said about her. “Interesting”. In a couple of cases, “fascinating”. Beautiful, funny, kind, but also mean, and scary if the stories were to be believed.

Some people just called her a faggot.

But above all, she was interesting.

She missed her. God did she miss her.

When she was here the house felt too big. Even when Dahlia was around it felt too big, though back then it didn’t register consciously. It wasn’t a mansion or anything, but it was clearly meant for a very big family. Eight bedrooms, six bathrooms, double wide garage, two stories, an attic and a basement. Jane couldn’t remember a time when more than four of those rooms were occupied. June had liked to keep the windows open in the summer and fall, and if you stood in the main hallway of the second floor you could feel the wind blowing past you. An especially strong gust could slam doors loud enough to hear from your own room with everything shut.

Some rooms stayed shut all year because neither of them could be bothered to clean them. Some rooms she couldn’t remember the inside of. Her own room was the second or third biggest in the house and was clearly meant for two people. They’d both had their own study, and June had had plans to convert a third into a library. All their books were still in the living room. She doubted they’d ever get moved.

She’d asked June why they had such a big house once when she was twelve. Her response had been “spite”.

The Crockers were not a nice family. Dahlia had never talked about them, and very rarely to them. Her sister had been invited to a christmas party when Jane was seven, and the screaming match between them had put the night to a very abrupt end. When Dahlia died a year later the Crockers disappeared from her life entirely. From the few times she’d met them, she didn’t much mind.

June had said she kept the house because it pissed them off. Jane hadn’t been convinced at the time that that was a very good reason, and she wasn’t convinced now. Every action echoed. Every moment of silence had the weight of the entire house on top of it. Agoraphobia wasn’t the right word, but it felt pretty damn close.

Jade had been in June’s old study when she got back that evening. She’d had a white-knuckle grip on a pen and papers strewn across the desk. She’d said it was fine when Jane asked if she could help with anything. She’d hovered outside the doorway a moment after she left and heard Jade practically growling. She’d gone upstairs then.

Having two other people in the house instead of one didn’t seem to make it feel any less empty. She’d grown up with her moms humming in the halls and laughing. With June playing piano. She could barely remember Dahlia on the cello. Neither of them were very good. She hadn’t known that until Rose had taken the both of them and Roxy to an orchestra. It’d probably take time. Jade was busy, and clearly stressed. She didn’t know what Jake got up to.

As if on cue, the far-too-loud sound of a tv ad blasted through the house. Several seconds (presumably how long it took to find the remote) later, the salesman’s voice was turned down enough to not be heard from her room. It had been five months since she last heard the sound of that tv. June had been watching something. She didn’t remember much about it except for that it was kinda terrible.

She slowly rolled out of bed and shuffled downstairs. She stood for a moment in the doorway looking into the living room. Jake was sitting on one end of the couch, half his face lit by the tv glow. He was looking up at her, somewhat nervous. She didn’t know what kind of expression she had herself.

“Oh, er, uh, sorry if I disturbed you. I uh, couldn’t sleep, see, and uh, well I thought we were going to see a movie earlier and thought maybe I’d, uh…”

He trailed off at her continued lack of response. The screen was still spouting off some kind of advertisement. Tv was more ads than tv these days. It’s why June had kept so many DVDs. She crept over to one of the book cases, kneeling and opening a lower drawer. It was a collection of June’s favorites. Jake wandered over after a moment.

“Oh. I didn’t realize you’d kept such an archive. I spy a couple of winners, though I’d say the collection as a whole is fairly impressive!”

“These movies are all shit.”

“I… uh…”

“She loved bad movies. All sorts of weird shit from the nineties and aughts. A lot of Nick Cage.”

“Like, uh, National Treasure?”

“I think we watched that once. Her favorite was Con Air.”

“Another veritable classic!”

She turned to face him, eyebrow raised. “If you say so.”

She shuffled around some DVD cases, flipping through for something good enough to tolerate but trashy enough to not think about. She settled on Snake Eyes. She pulled it out, flashing the front face to Jake. He grinned and nodded. She opened the cabinet the television was stood up on and started fiddling with the dusty DVD player.

“Change the tv input?”

“To what?”

“DVI.”

A moment later the room was washed in blue light. She put the disk in and the menu screen with its chopped up clips and too many effects filled the room. She hit play. Jake was already back on the couch, and she plopped down on the other side of it, knees pulled up to her chest.

This wasn’t something she’d done in a long time. They’d meant to do something like this over winter break. Jane hadn’t ended up coming home; too many projects to get a head start on. She was homesick, but she was enjoying school. She’d been enjoying board life. She’d had movie nights with the other girls there, but those had been filled with chatter and movement. This, being in a dark room, quiet except for the movie, being able to cast a glance over the side of the couch and see a big empty space, this was special somehow. Not better, per se, but certainly unique.

A third of the way into the movie it froze. Stuck on a frame of Cage’s face in a particularly unfortunate position. The disk hadn’t looked scratched, but you couldn’t always tell in the dark.

“Well, that’s a right shame.”

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. The disk is older than I am. Old enough to buy liquor.”

“Still, I must say I was plum fucking excited to see where that was going!”

Jane blinked. “You would have loved her.”

He paused for a moment. “I… I think I did.”

“When was the last time we saw each other, before this?”

“I think I was ten? So… twenty-seventeen?”

“Shit. I think Jade was over here once last year. Did June ever make it over there?”

“No. No, I don't think she did.”

“She would have loved talking about movies with you. The trash was part of the charm for her. I think she got along with Dirk for that reason. And Dave, obviously.”

“I’d been meaning to ask you about them.”

“Oh yeah, the four of them were tight as hell growing up. June, Jade, Dave, and Rose. They never stopped being friends, so I grew up with their kids. I’ve never met either of their other parents. I think June’s the only one out of those four who never got a divorce.”

“Do you know if either of them’s met their other parent?”

“Never asked. They don’t talk about it much either. Wait, right, yeah, Dirk says he’s never met his mom.”

Jake hummed absently.

“You ever meet your dad?”

“A couple of times. He seemed nice enough. I don’t think he ever wanted to be a dad, but I don’t know if that’s why they got divorced. If, uh, memory serves, he's got a car shop in LA.”

This time Jane hummed, not quite sure how to respond to that. A moment passed without either of them speaking. They just sat, looking at Nick Cage and his stupid face. She almost felt like laughing. Almost.

“I wish I’d known her better.”

Chapter Text

GG: morning you guys

TG: mornin

TT: Good morning to you too.

GG: ready for this?

TG: no

TT: It’ll be hard, but I think I am.

TG: you know whos gonna show up though right

GG: yeah…

TT: Yes they will show up and yes they will be obnoxious, but nothing they do can ruin her memory.

TT: Besides.

TT: If I know June, she didn’t leave those pricks a cent.

TT: So she must have left them something else.

TG: ayo you sayin were in for one last june egbert classic

GG: omg

GG: omg she would.

TT: Why yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am confident in saying that we have at least one good thing to look forward to today.

-

The funeral had been nice. As the daughter of the deceased, she’d gotten a great abundance of sympathy. It still hadn’t felt real, then. She’d sat through most of it not looking at anything in particular. The drone of the pastor’s voice drowned out any thoughts she might have had. That a pastor was there at all felt odd; June wasn’t any kind of religious. It was technically an agnostic funeral, but the pastor was pretty much the only person in town who led these services. Apparently he’d known June for a long time.

She’d given a eulogy. It hadn’t quite felt good enough. What the hell was she supposed to say? Rose had probably gotten the closest to doing June’s memory justice, and Dave had probably gotten closest to saying what actually needed to be said. Jade had been somewhere in between the two, just shy of brilliance and just shy of honesty.

Jane felt like a liar when she stood behind that pulpit. The things she said were true, or at least they should have been true, but she wasn’t sure she meant any of it. Sitting back down felt like a relief. Jade had held her hand tightly. She barely noticed.

Roxy had sat next to her when the service was done. She’d been wearing a suit that Jane knew she hated. Why she put up with the thing was a mystery to her. Dave had had his suit jacket unbuttoned over a Hawaiian shirt. Dirk could just barely have been considered to be dressed more formally, having buttoned his jacket and donned a tie over his own, even louder Hawaiian shirt.

Jade and Jake had on nice enough shirts, but that was about it. Jane had a tie on. Only Rose had bothered to wear anything so formal. Her black dress looked more expensive than anything Jane had ever seen her mom wear. Understanding didn’t dawn on her so much as it crept up from the morass into the dense fog in her mind.

“You shouldn’t have had to wear a suit. Not here.”

“C’mon, Jane. Don’t make me cry here. I barely knew her, she was your mom.”

“I never understood how someone so clever could be so stubborn.”

“Please, don’t. It ain’t worth the effort talking about. How are you holding up?”

“I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”

-

Jane sat in her dining room waiting for the will reading to start. Everyone else who needed to be there had arrived except for one. Jade sat at the head of the table, sealed envelope in front of her, arms crossed and tapping a finger against her shoulder. Jane sat on one side of her, Dave and Rose on the other. Dirk and Roxy sat opposite their parents, and Jake was over by the door.

The only other name in the will was Elias Crocker, Jane’s great grandfather and CEO of Betty Crocker corp. No one had any illusions of the man himself arriving, but they’d been assured someone would be long to represent him. Most likely Dahlia’s sister, Judith.

Whoever it was was twenty minutes late. No one was talking. Everyone was keenly aware of why they hadn’t already started, and expressions around the room ranged from vaguely irritated to barely contained rage.

“Could’ve finished one of my mashups in the time it’s taken this bitch to get here.”

“Dave!” Rose snapped.

“What? We all know how these people are. For all we know they’re not even sending a Crocker. Could just as well be Theodore’s secretary’s assistant.”

“First of all, how do you even know the Crockers well enough to know which one Theodore is? Second of all, this is a will reading. Have some decorum.”

“First of all, because he’s the one who sends the emails asking to put product placement in my movies. And second of all, I think everyone in this room is fully aware that June wouldn’t want us to take it that seriously. Far as I’m concerned, shitting on the Crockers is the best way to honor her memory we have.”

“This all seems like a lot of effort to spend on one shitty family,” Jane piped up.

“Maybe,” Jade said in response, “but I at least have been dealing with their shit for far too long to have any remaining patience for them. For what it’s worth, Judith is sure to show. She flew in a couple days ago. Haven’t the slightest what could possibly be holding her up in this of all towns, but she’ll be here.”

Finally there was a knock on the door. Judith was a tall, mousy woman who always dressed such that she’d look more at home in a library than a business. Nonetheless, she was in charge of managing the Crockers’ charity projects. No one could ever quite tell how much she actually believed that their donations excused whatever labor violation they were being accused of on a given week.

“I am so sorry I’m late. My chauffeur called in sick at the last minute and I had to call an Uber. I hope you all haven’t been waiting too long?”

Blank expressions. Someone coughed. No one spoke.

“...Right,” she said after a few seconds, looking around anxiously. Apparently finding no one she felt like sitting next to, she moved to stand in the corner.

“Okay,” Jade began, picking up the envelope like it was the first time instead of the fourth or fifth, and as though each previous time she hadn’t looked at it like she was considering moving on without all interested parties. “Now that everyone is here, we may begin. The actual legal document will be available at the request of anyone in this room, but June expressed that she’d like everyone to be gathered and a letter be read. You’ll receive formal notice of your inheritance within a week.”

She picked up June’s novelty Star Wars letter opener, and broke the seal, tearing open the envelope as delicately as she could. She removed the document within and unfolded it carefully. She took a deep, not quite even breath, and began to read.

“‘I, June Egbert, being of sound body and mind wait a minute this isn’t a legal doc I can say whatever the fuck I want. I’m writing this on my 35th birthday, a few months after Dahlia died, and while that may have had a profound enough impact on my emotional state, it’s probably safe to say that I won’t be changing it unless anything major happens. Dahlia leaving us has kind of put a certain perspective on things. Life is weird, random, and prone to taking things from us very suddenly. And while I certainly hope I don’t end up leaving anyone behind the way Dahlia did, I also don’t want anyone going through what I did in the aftermath of that.

“‘Having the legitimacy of my marriage called into question by a mob of hateful, cutthroat, money hungry baked goods moguls was, without a doubt, the most soul-gutting experience of my life. It left me hollow and exhausted, and under no circumstances do I want my family to have that same experience. So I’m writing a will, so that if something happens to me, there can be no question at all over where each and every one of my belongings is going. I’d also like to take a moment to give some parting words.

“‘Dave, Rose, Jade, I’d like to thank you for everything. And I do mean everything. I would, without a shadow of a doubt, not be the person I am without all of you. You were there either from the literal very beginning, or close enough that you may as well have. I don’t think any of us have had it easy, and I’d like to thank you all for sticking around.

“‘I’d also like to apologize. There are several things in my will that, if changed, would necessitate the changing of this letter. Many of those things stand a good chance of becoming irrelevant within the next few years. So, ideally, this will never be read. If it is… god. I am so fucking sorry. All I can hope is that you still know that I love you all.

“‘Dirk, Roxy, Jake, y’all are some cool-ass kids. Don’t change unless you feel like it. And certainly don’t let anyone bully you into changing. I liked you. I know the next few months aren’t going to be easy, but I have a good feeling about you three. I think you’ll turn out all right.

“‘Jane… hell. I’m sorry kiddo. The thought that you might have to read this some day is almost enough to make me not want to write it. I can hardly imagine what that’s like. I have to hope I did enough to make sure you’d be alright. I also want you to know that it’s ok if you’re not. I did everything in my power to give you both the support to grow and space to breathe. I can’t know for sure it was enough.

“‘I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry for leaving. Please know that I didn’t want to.’”

Jane wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that. It wasn’t anything she hadn’t heard before, but it somehow meant more now. How much she loved her mom wasn’t something she’d ever had to quantify before. It was always an assumption, a part of the background. She had a suspicion that June preferred it that way. She was crying again, even if she wasn’t making any sound. A couple of people looked at her, but no one spoke. Most were some range of empathy to pity. Judith looked like she didn’t know what to think. She’d spent the whole reading looking uncomfortable.

“‘Ok,’” Jade said after clearing her throat, “‘Needed a couple stiff drinks after that last bit. Last of all, dear Judith. Yes, I know Elias is the name on the legal shit but I know you’re going to be the one to show up. You were the only one who ever gave a shit about Dahlia. And really, you’re the only reason I’m leaving anything to your family. I thought about what you said at her funeral. You were right. It’s only right that I leave something to the people she spent all of her life around.

“‘Which is why to you, I leave something special. There’s a box in the bottom drawer of the desk in my study, marked with the Crocker name. Inside is a piece of molded silicon. I had it ordered roughly a week before the writing of this, and I did so with a singular express intention. So that for time immemorial, long after both Dahlia and I are gone, the Crockers will forever have the opportunity to suck my dick.’”

There was a look of mild shock on the face of everyone else in the room but one. Judith looked quite simply horrified. Jane, yet to dry her eyes, sat in stunned disbelief. It was absurd. Juvenile. Ridiculous. Completely tonally dissonant with everything else she had written.

And it was funny. A laugh escaped her. It was a short, soft, ugly thing, and she contained it almost as soon as it was out. Apparently this caused some kind of dam to break. The room erupted in laughter. Every single person, save for one, struggled to contain themselves as Judith, indignant, turned on her heel and swept out of the room.

Chapter Text

TG: what the fuck

TT: Hm?

TG: dont you hm me you know exactly whats up

TT: Dave, if I went through a box set of the Encyclopedia Britannica with a pair of scissors and intent to remove the pages that wouldn’t provoke a reaction of “what the fuck” out of you, the resulting stack of paper might not give a flea clearance to swing it’s legs.”

TG: i cant fucking believe this

TT: I can’t believe you’re making me reuse my witticisms.

TG: i cant fucking believe your trying to have banter about this

TT: Really? What part of that is out of character for me?

TG: the part where your apparently not worried about the fact that your kid just fucking picked up and ran out on you

–

Roxy Lalonde was packing her bags. There wasn’t much she considered worth taking. She had a kickass gaming setup but that wasn’t going anywhere tonight. Her old laptop would have to do. Whatever. She packed enough clothes for a week. If she ended up having to do laundry that would last her long enough. It was a week’s worth of the clothes she could most tolerate. T-shirts, basketball shorts, sweatpants, button-ups, the only skirt she owned, a sweater. It didn’t really matter. If she was allowed into the place she was going it didn’t matter what she wore.

Tears welled in her eyes. She fought them off on instinct. Couldn’t show. Didn’t show. Couldn’t let anyone see. She zipped up her old backpack. The zipper caught three times, each time she tore it loose she let out a grunt of frustration. The fourth time it tore off completely. The zipper was still shut but if she opened it it would never shut again. A scream welled in her throat and she let it out, barely constrained. She was allowed to be angry, wasn’t she?

She slung the pack over her shoulder and marched through the house towards the garage door. Her mother’s voice rang out across the living room.

“You can’t be serious about this.”

She made no action to stop her child from leaving. Just talk. That was all she ever was at the end of the day. Talk talk talk. Just a bitter old woman with too many words in her head to ever put any of them to good use. She didn’t bother to respond. She just opened the door and pulled her bike out to the street. It was late. The streetlights pitched the world in a dim, golden glow. The shadows were long and thick. Various overgrown lawns stretched down the road, and Roxy dimly recalled being warned to be careful of such things. They might house coyotes or some other shit. She didn’t care. She hopped on the bike and started pedalling out towards the edge of town.

The wind felt good in her hair. So did the ache in her thighs. She pumped her legs, maybe faster than she’d ever ridden before. It didn’t quite feel like escape, but it felt like fury. It felt like rebellion. Catharsis. The kind you didn’t get by screaming at someone who would never see you as a real person. The kind you didn’t get by arguing with someone who would never actually listen.

–

TT: He’s fifteen years old. He can do what he wants.
TT: I trust Jade to keep him safe.

TG: jesus christ thats what this is about isnt it
TG: making me pull my caps lock out of the vault
TG: making me journey across the world to recover the four sacred keys from the monks whose care i left them in
TG: with oaths sworn to guard those things with their fuckin lives

TT: Surely it’d be quicker and easier to just buy a new keyboard.

TG: shut the fuck up
TG: holy shit shut the fuck up
TG: let me make this clear to you
TG: SHE can do what SHE wants because SHE is a whole ass person who gets to decide things about HER life
TG: like MAYBE
TG: for instance
TG: her own fucking GENDER

–

It was late. Sun was down. It had been some number of days after June’s will reading. She wasn’t legally family so school hadn’t been letting up any. She kept riding. No one else was out. Who the hell would be? There was nothing to do in a small town after dark. Aside from the major road the bigwigs took between their job sites and their actual homes, no one was driving around. She took the odd turn, crossed the odd state road, flipped the odd bird at some guy who thought his fancy car justified being a dickhead to not-quite-pedestrians, but otherwise she rode uninterrupted. Especially once she got to the outskirts. She’d never wanted to cry more in her life but she couldn’t. She didn’t know why but she couldn’t. The wind stung her eyes. Threw her hair in her face. Good.

Each feeling was proof she was alive. She was thankful for the pain. Thankful for the reminder of what it was life to feel. Her destination came into view. That big house at the end of the road. That huge, echoing house, full of memories, full of ghosts. June, Rose, Robert, Jane, Dahlia…

She kept riding. She couldn’t turn back. Not now. She kept riding until she was in front of that driveway. She looked at the cars up by the house. One she recognized, one she didn’t. She pulled her bike along up to the door. She set her mind to the task of working up the courage to knock.

–

TT: And as an individual myself, I get to make choices in how I refer to someone.

TG: dont get all libertarian on me we both know you dont think thats true
TG: i was there once and you pulled me out of it
TG: and you had help from a certain someone who might have felt some type of way about all this

TT: No. You don’t get to use her in an argument like that.

TG: fucking excuse me
TG: shed be blasting your ass harder than i am if she were here

–

She held her knuckles up to the door. This was ridiculous. If she needed somewhere to stay, Dirk’s house was the obvious choice. Dave had basically given an open invitation.But she wanted to talk to Jane. She wanted to stay here. She had a feeling Jane would get it. But she was nervous. God she was nervous. Showing up on someone’s doorstep in the middle of the night was, she imagined, akin to dropping your heart at their feet and asking them please not to stomp it.

She took a deep breath, steeled herself, and knocked twice.

She didn’t really know what to expect from this point forward.

–

TT: She’s dead, Dave. This is cheap.

TG: the hell it is
TG: what part of june being gone makes me less right
TG: id be saying the same shit if she were were still here and you know it

TT: This is ridiculous.
TT: June was already 22 years old when she transitioned.

TG: what the
TG: are you serious
TG: first of all
TG: no she wasn’t
TG: jade was already diving down the freudian slip n slide calling her her sister when we were 17
TG: it just took her five years to work up the nerve to ask her old man and girlfriend to help bankroll the whole process
TG: something you could do yourself right now pretty fucking easily

TT: Robbie is 15. He can’t even drive a car yet.

TG: and second of all that right there
TG: “oh he cant drive a car or know whats best for him” but apparently she can run off in the middle of the night just fine

TT: He’s staying at a friend’s house. A family friend no less. It’s hardly uncommon, and I don’t see the cause for concern.

TG: that kid is damn lucky she has a place to stay when your being an idiot
TG: where the hell were we gonna go when dad was off the shits

TT: Don’t compare me to him.

TG: dont give me a reason to

–

She stood in front of the door, waiting. She’d turned her phone light off after knocking, and it suddenly occurred to her how dark it was here. There hadn’t been a street light for half a mile, and she’d just barely been able to see the road by moonlight. The trees around the house were blocking that now. Little dots of dim light wandered about the doorstep as the trees swayed in the wind. It was cold out but she didn’t notice. A hoodie and sweatpants were as good for keeping out the cold as they were for hiding the lines of your body. Anger and fear did the rest of the work.

After about thirty seconds she felt the impulse to leave. Turn around, ride back, stare at nothing until she fell asleep and forget this ever happened. Maybe apologize to her mom if it came to it. Maybe. She remained where she was.

After thirty more she felt the impulse to find somewhere else. Jade and Jane had enough on their plate as it was. She could stay with Dave. He’d get it. Maybe not completely but he wouldn’t turn her away. She remained where she was.

After ten more seconds she raised her hand to knock again. She froze. She didn’t know what to do. God, she didn’t know what to do. She felt untethered, aimless, floating in space. Nothing to grab on to, no one to pull her back down. It was cold. It was quiet. It was dark. She closed her eyes and saw no difference. A part of her was scared that this might be it. That this was all her life would be, for however long it went on. A part of her was distressingly giddy at the thought. Nothing and no one to tie her down.

She opened her eyes and saw the little spots of moonlight. Felt the cold wind that bit at the skin on her neck. She lowered her hand. This was where she needed to be. She could stand here and think herself into a frenzy until the sun rose and they found her there anyway. It wouldn’t change anything. She needed to be here. She needed to talk to Jane. She raised her hand again and saw that the door was opening.

–

TT: I never hit Robbie. I never filmed him for profit. I never yelled at him unless he yelled at me first.

TG: whoop de fucking doo congrats on the bare minimum
TG: hey everybody lets all gather round to give rose lalonde the prestigious award of mother of the year for not being a physically abusive predator

TT: Stop.

TG: im sure the stubbornness and self righteousness and apparently transphobia wont have any impact at all on whatever poor bastard has to live with her

TT: I’m not transphobic.

TG: -every transphobe

TT: I’m stopping him from doing something he might regret.

TG: and everyone around you is telling you your wrong

TT: Believe it or not, you’re the only person who’s ever commented on my parenting choices.

TG: did jane ever run out on june
TG: did jake ever run out on jade
TG: did dirk ever run out on me

TT: Would any of you have noticed?

TG: oh my fucking god

TT: The world is dangerous, Dave. Especially for children. You know that.

TG: rose i dunno if you remember but we learned pretty damn well to take care of ourselves

TT: We shouldn’t have had to.

TG: shut the fuck up
TG: by the time we were the age those kids are who could hurt us
TG: who was the only person who could hurt us

TT: Oh, is it my turn to speak?

TG: fuck you answer the question

TT: …
TT: Dad.

TG: yeah
TG: so how many people do you think can really hurt roxy

–

A gentle creaking and a beam of light accompanied the motion of the door, stopping once it was barely open enough to peek through. A tall, broad figure stood on the other side, peering out. When her eyes adjusted to the light Roxy saw long, tangled hair and a thick, coke-bottle lens. She looked tired. More than that she looked exhausted. When she spoke her voice was low and gravelly.

“Who the fuck…”

“Uh.. hi.”

You can only see the one eye blink blearily, mouth hanging slightly open. You see her try to silently pull herself together. A thumb and forefinger push up her glasses as she massages the bridge of her nose. She takes a deep breath, relaxes her face, and exhales, opening the door wider.

“Heya, kiddo. What, uh… what’s up?”

Staring up at her without falling apart takes no small part of willpower. Keeping her voice steady takes even more. It’s a soft thing, but it holds.

“Can I stay here tonight?”

The look of worry that crosses her face is immediate. She peers around to check for anything else that might be on her porch.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.”

She opens the door the rest of the way, stepping aside and setting a bat into the corner by the door. Roxy recalls that before this, Jade lived in an apartment in Seattle. She recalls the few times Jane’s aunt had been in town before. She recalls the last time she saw her, sitting right over there on that couch. She remembers her laughing at something June had said. She remembers wishing she’d walked in a couple seconds sooner so she could hear the joke.

She remembers her mother laughing right there next to her.

“Is everything alright?”

“Hm? Uh, yeah, everything’s fine.”

“Can I get you anything? Er, no I should see what rooms we have in a decent shape. We have soda in the fridge, a few teas in the cupboard… I don’t know what kind though. I bought some chai for Jake last week but the rest of it was already here.”

“Thanks.”

There was a tension in Jade’s shoulders as she ascended the stairs. When she was gone Roxy stepped into the kitchen. Jade hadn’t specified which cabinet, but she knew the one. She dug a box of chamomile out of the back. It’d been in there six years and she was the only one who’d ever drank it. If she were honest with herself what she really wanted was to steal a bottle of her mom’s vodka. Instead she boils some water. Pours it into the pink and white cat mug she always has.