Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Prologue

Jamie : Have any of you heard of Merrily We Roll Along? If you have, then chances are what you’re thinking is different from what someone else may be thinking. If you’re still lost, then here’s a little number you may know.

For the cultured: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUbl5yFBzoM

Still clueless? Maybe first hearing it, but here’s a version I’m sure you’ll know.

For the normies (JK I only knew about all this recently): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d5a6IT32v2Y  

Yep, funny story actually, in 1934, a year before the original song came out, a play premiered on Broadway shared the same name, despite sharing no connection aside from the name, Merrily We Roll Along . It was later reworked into a musical by Steven Sondheim and George Furth in 1981, and it followed the story of three friends who drift apart and ruin their friendship as they strive for success as a songwriter, playwright, and novelist respectively. 

What made both the play and musical distinct was that it told the 20-year-long friendship backwards, starting with the lead character all alone and winding the clocks back two decades to when the trio first met, and throughout the whole musical the three of them try to keep their relationship together, thinking that it’ll be all ok.

Sometimes things are not okay. Usually, we can pick ourselves up, and merrily we roll along with life (pun intended), but other times it’s not that simple. That was made apparent in August this year as the entire vicinity of Toontown woke up to a new world, one that seemed much more hostile to its denizens than before. 

Yakko: Oh brother, you have no idea. 

Wakko: The next few days were the most tense I lived through, really exciting!

Dot: … I feel like my political career took a bigger nosedive in a day than the guy I helped get into the Oval Office did in a year…

August 17th, 2022 - Mung Dahl’s Catering and Cafeteria, CN City, Toontown

“Sooo… what do you think Dot?” Tulip shows me the code on her laptop, all of which I couldn’t make sense of in my head.

“Great! Or horrible! I can’t tell. Despite being not locked up in the tower for over 20 years I still can’t use a computer for my life.” I proceeded to continue drinking my Ultimate Thrice Cream Shake, not bad actually, could use less nuts, more sugar.

“Whoops, sorry, how’s this?” She pressed a key on the keyboard and all of a sudden the code on the screen disappeared and was replaced by the new layout for the new CN City website, complete with a slideshow of cherry-picked photos of the neighborhood and residents telling site visitors to physically visit, with the main banner of the site highlighting the main event of the year.

Cartoon Network 30th Anniversary Celebration! - October 1st, 2022

“Ooh, big and loud near to the point of being obnoxious, I love it!” I grinned.

“Thank you!” Tulip says. “I still don’t know why you asked me to help out when you could’ve gone to Dexter or Dendy or literally any of the other toons that are more tech-savvy than me.”

“Yeah, but I have those two working on another project with Steven. I heard you made some pretty sweet games for the company website, and you weren’t working on anything else so…”

That may have struck a nerve with her, as Tulip’s face quickly frowned. “It’s not like there’s much work for the rest of my friends either…” She then proceeded to angrily munch on her onion. 

“Ok, sorry about that, I’ve seen plenty of shows get ‘manhandled’ by a bunch of cogs in suits that don’t know that their job is to sell the show, not change it or mistreat it. But Infinity Train was definitely an outlier in how it was treated. Their loss.”

“Yeah, that’s an understatement, but thanks,” Tulip’s mouth curved up a bit.

“Don’t mention it Redhead Shrek.”

“Redhead …?” She then looked at the half-eaten vegetable. “Oh c’mon, don’t knock it til you try it.” 

As she gestures the onion towards my face, I reluctantly take the smallest bite I can muster, and let the bit sit in my mouth for half a second, which was more than enough to taint my taste buds, and spit it out in record time. “ SPEW ! Oh, the humanity!” I then chugged down the rest of my shake to get rid of the taste.

“Relax dude, it’s not like you’re dying-”

Just as she reached to grab back her onion I upheld the end of the deal by knocking it right out of the diner booth. 

“Hey!” 

“What?” I asked genuinely. “I’m an honest mayor who keeps my promises.”

“Ooh, free onion! And it’s only half-eaten!” All of a sudden we hear my junior aide entering the café and gulping down the onion whole, the one that sounds like they just came out of Liverpool with The Quarrymen, or whatever the band call themselves now.

“If you want some bologna to go along with it, I have a little left in my slacks.” And looks they brought along our senior aide as well.

“Took you boys long enough, how was your meeting with the Mystery Gang?” I asked as my brothers slid into the same side of the booth as me. 

Yakko was the first to speak up. “Not the best…”

“I thought we had some fun,” Wakko spoke up.

“ I had to be the responsible one and do all the talking with the executives trying to help out Freddy, Velma, and Daphne after their movie got axed right before they finished filming. You went off with Shag and Scoob to see if you can clear out the buffet and then went off to meet up with the Caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland and came back reeking only to go around the studio lot looking for the Batgirl footage like it’s the Lost Ark even though I told you it was all digital and locked in the servers somewhere.”

I turn to my sibling slack-jawed. 

“Before you ask Dot, no, I did not partake in anything that was legal for Norville and Scoobert but not for my age,” Wakko insisted. “Except for driving the Mystery Machine underage and launching out of a cannon without supervision.”

I groaned. “I’ll make an appeal that you’ll just get a fine, but know that nepotism can only go so far.”

“Aren’t you guys like, incredibly old?” Tulip inquired. “Like 1930s old?”

“ Excuse me?” I try not to sound offended but wasn’t making an effort.

“Ahem,” Yakko cleared his voice and grabbed my shoulder right before I leapt out of my seat. “If we’re talking human years, then yeah, we’re all adults here, which means we act like it.” He made his point clear and I calmed back down. “Also we’re mentally still kids, but I learned over the years to never ask a woman her age.”

“Or a man his salary,” I added.

“Or an old cis white person why they still cling onto outdated gender norms, they’ll usually go on a rant on the Facebook.”

That last bit made the whole table laugh up a bit.

“Oh man, you have no idea, there was this one jerk online who-” Before Tulip could finish, a phone rang in her pocket and she pulled it out. “Ah geez, I gotta take this, one sec.” And she answered. “Hello?” 

Yakko leaned over to me and Wakko. “I wonder what stopped her train of thought?”

“Oh, please no,” Wakko said. 

“Hopefully her call doesn’t last for infinity- oof! ” 

His ‘dad’ energy stopped the second I jabbed my Pun Gun at his side. “You wanna finish that thought?”

“It’s tempting alright?!” He pleaded. “I can’t help myself.”

“What?” I hear Tulip speaking to her phone.

“Don’t worry Yakko, they have places that help with your… addiction,” Wakko said.

“We believe in you big bro, we’ll be with you every step of the way towards recovery,” I added.

“... what?” Tulip sounded quieter, did she?

“You know, I started reading a book about addiction. Can’t put it down.” Yakko said proudly.

Wakko sighs and pulls out his pun gun. “Well it was nice knowing you-” 

“ WHAT ?!” 

The three of us jumped out of our seats, then turned to see Tulip, red as a tomato and ready at any moment to blow her top off. 

“Uh…?” Wakko asks but is left ignored.

“Min-Gi, please tell this is a joke Ryan put you up to. It’s not?! What about Lake? Have you heard from them?”

“Tulip, is something wrong?” I asked.

“Of course nothing's wrong ,” Yakko said with sarcasm galore. “Just look at that smiling face! Her body seems completely chill and not anxious at all.”

“She’s visibly distraught!” 

“Not if you look upside down,” Wakko was already doing a headstand on the table. 

“Wait wait wait, slow down, what do mean we’re not the only ones? Who else?!” Tulip cried out in the dining establishment. 

By now, many of the patrons enjoying a nice Wednesday lunch had looked over to our table with concern, but the sudden ringing of phones among everyone else caused some concern for alarm. And by some concern, I mean some toons looked at their phones shocked and horrified. 

“Oh my gosh!”

“They can’t do this, can they!?”

“I gotta call my agent…”

I gulped fearing what on earth just happened. “So, anyone wanna fill me in on what’s happening right now? The only phone I have on me is a rotary so-”

Just as I spoke my pocket rattled. Yanking out my phone that some would call old-fashioned (I would personally call an antique), I answered nervously.

“Mayor Dot’s Office, Mayor Dot speaking.”

“Oh, thank Chuck you answered for once!” a particular rabbit was on the other line, along with some sort of commotion.

“Hey, I am a busy woman, it ain’t easy running Toontown and having to oversee every district in it and help out its citizens, yourself included, so whatever you have to say Bugs it had better be-”

“They’re taking everyone off HBO Max! It's basically rabbit season over here!”

“And duck season!” Daffy yells in the background.

“It’s to-to-too-too-toon season!” cried out Porky.

“...what?”

Most of the major networks and headlines didn’t pay too much attention to the severity of what was happening, but the front page of the Toontown Tattler wouldn’t hide away from the ugly truth.

‘Warner Bros. Discovery to remove 37 titles from its streaming platform HBO Max in the coming week. The majority of which are animated.’

Jamie: Did any of you think that it would come to this?

Porky: No! I still can’t be-be-beli-beli-believe it.

Daffy : It’s desth-picable! I’ve known some selfish people in my career who’ve done pretty horrible things, but this?! This is a travesty! A complete charade! A mockery! A pantomime! Dare I say, a SHAM !!!

Bugs: *Munches on a carrot*. Eh, who slams, who jams, who tells you story eh doc?

Jamie: …you. I’m hoping all of you tell me your story. I mean I invited you all here and now that I think about it should’ve been better to do this with one trio first. Chiaki’s probably tearing her hair out trying to record all this.

Wakko: Ooh ooh ooh! Can it be us first? Pretty please?

Yakko: Yeah disc jockey, why not? If you want us to sweeten the deal we’ll tell you where we’ve been over the last 20 years.

Jamie: Sold, let’s do it.

Porky: Alrighty then.

Daffy : Now hold on a minute buster ! You have before you some of the most well-regarded ‘thesth-spian’ toons that grace this lowly earth, and you’re picking the ones that only got popular in the 90s?!

Jamie: … is this even a question?

Bugs: C’mon Daff, let’s leave the kids be.

Yakko: We were drawn before you even.

Dot: Also, I don't wanna be ‘that’ guy, but I am the Mayor soo…

Daffy: Bah! 

Jamie: *Looks to the sound booth window* Actually Chiaki makes a good point. Since we are gonna be recapping Warner Bros. history with cartoons, it might be best to start at the beginning-

Yakko: Nah…!

Dot: We agreed to tell you where we’ve been all this time, so we’ll start there.

Jamie: But it would make more sense to start at-

Wakko: Why don’t we just go backwards? From right now all the way back to the Harmon and Ising days.

Dot: That sounds like fun!

Yakko: After all, nonsense makes the best sense.

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: Can we? Can we? Can we? Can we? Can we? Can…

Jamie: … *looks to the sound booth window* Look dude, we both agreed to this job, we knew the type of toons we’d eventually work with.

Welcome to Your Radio Toontown, I’m your host, Jamie Thorton. With me as always is our program’s co-creator and producer, Chiaki Forester Kaneda. Tonight's program is, Wearily, We Roll Along, the history of Warner Bros. Animation, told by the toons who worked with them for all these years.

In the spirit of the guest’s wishes (no matter how inane they are) as well as in keeping with the theme for this episode, the following will be told chronologically backwards. Let’s see how far this overly complicated format will go, stay with us.

Due to the complex production of transcribing this episode, we’ve decided to leave behind two sources that should suffice until we can be prepared to bring you back up to speed. (AKA This is gonna be a long one to work on, so rather than leave you hanging on content, here’s a couple of stuff to keep you occupied during the hiatus. If you’re reading this after the hiatus and/or the work is finished, then you can bookmark them if you’d like. See you soon.)

Watched this on the day I’m writing this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3gNXy5-lHc  

Where Bugs’s reference came from. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gGwhSE0nvo  

Chapter Text

Jamie : So how’s this gonna work exactly? And please, be sensible, think about me having to deal with this. * Rattle on the sound-booth window. * Oh, and Chiaki too.

Yakko: Relax kid, if there’s anything we know how to do well it’s how to tell a story, usually through song-

Jamie: No, thank you.

Yakko: What?! Well, why the heck not?

Jamie: I don’t wanna give Chiaki more work to include notes and harmony into the transcript of this episode. (Also I’m not a fan of songfics)

Wakko: What’s a songfic?

Dot: Something that’s begging for a copyright strike. Granted anything and everything on this site can be toeing that line in some regard. Anyway, Yakko, can you kick us off?

Yakko: Hmph, fine, but the second I find something to sing in the public domain I’m gonna go all out. Now, where were we? Oh yeah, everything went from bad to worse in the span of a day.

Now it’s not too surprising nowadays to hear about a show leaving a streaming service due to licensing agreements expiring, but if something leaves Netflix at least you’ll find it somewhere else. But rare is it when an original show is erased from its own platform and has nowhere else to go, and rarer is it when 25 animated series that have already finished or are still being produced are being pulled out of their company’s streaming service. So naturally, we toons reacted to this news as appropriately and calmly as possible.

August 17th, 2022 - Acme Acres, Toontown

“ EVERYBODY PANIC !!!” 

From as far as I could see, it was nothing but absolute chaos. Toons were screaming and losing their minds, crashing cars into houses, dropping pianos and safes on unfortunate pedestrians, and there was enough lit TNT lying around that would make you think that you were in the middle of the Donbas, or Chicago.

Usually, this would be completely normal behavior considering that this was the college town of Acme Looniversity, named after Marvin Acme himself, and aside from CN City’s Cartoonstitute, is the premier center of learning how to be the best toon you can be. However, what wasn’t normal was the lack of laughter and the sheer dread on everyone’s faces. Oh, and the looting. Apparently, fears of toons being denied residuals after their shows are pulled took over quicker than usual. 

Moving through the disorder, Wakko, Dot, and I finally made it to the steps of the prestigious Looniversity, where the halls were relatively empty. Many of the students seemed to be skipping out on classes and attending the mounting protest/riot outside. It didn’t take us long to find the staff in the teacher's lounge, who were just as confused as my sibs and I were as the room became a call center where much of the staff was yelling into their phones with what I assumed were disgruntled toons worried about. Making our way through Foghorn and Yosemite getting into a shouting match with each other over The Fungies while Sylvester and Tweety are trying to help out Tiggy and Gweeseek after Tig n’ Seek became one of the casualties. Eventually, we reached the end of the room and met the three toons who took charge of this whole operation, who were doing as good as everyone else could manage.

“D-d-d-d-don’t worry about the talk show being canceled, what we should worry ab-ab-ab-about is keeping the classic episodes on the platform,” Porky was rubbing his head in frustration. “Yes, I know the st-st-st-stutter is making it hard to understand me Elmo but you gotta work with me here, have you t-t-t-talked with Kermit yet…?”

“And I’ll say it again doc, I can’t get a hold of Sam Register, I’ve been trying all afternoon,” Spoke Bugs, who was pulling on his ears. “It’s technically not a cancellation, they just haven’t renewed it yet, and even if it is a cancellation they won’t remove it from the site, at least I don’t think, and I doubt it’ll be another ten years until it comes back…”

“Well, clearly you don’t appreciate me taking the time out of my day to help you! Oh? Well, good riddance then! And by the way, your Flintstone gummies are ph'subpar!” Daffy angrily hangs up. “I don’t know how or why even, but I blame you for this!” He points fingers at Bugs.

Bugs rolled his eyes over, but they popped open after seeing us in the doorway. “I’ll call you back Batsy, don’t worry about Young Justice, just work out something with Discovery. You’re the masked vigilante/billionaire playboy, you deal with the business side of things. By the way, ask them if they’ll cut The Flash movie at this point, or at least get Ezra out.” He hangs up and turns to us. “Well, this isn’t a great situation, could be worse though.”

“ How? How can this be worse?!” Dot exclaims.

“I… actually don’t know at the moment,” Bugs’s ears droop down.

“I mean, at least we’re alive and healthy.” 

“Thank you Tulip for the input, anyway I-WHAT THE-” 

Dot cut herself off as everyone else jumped as Tulip appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

I asked first. “What are you doing here?”

“I came here with you guys,” Tulip deadpanned. “I was with you guys the whole time, and you only noticed me now ?!”

“You didn’t say anything,” Wakko added.

“ I was calling Owen who was in the middle of a traffic jam on the freeway, while also having to message the rest of my friends on the other shows that are being removed to meet us here. You were trying to join in on the chaos and your brother and sister had to keep you at arm's length.”

“To be fair, I don’t do well with paying attention, to anything really,” our sibling relented.

“Hold on a sec, who’d you invite-”

Before I could finish my question, a big flash happened followed by sparkly smoke filling the air, blinding everyone and causing us to cough and panic.

“Ack! What the-!” I hear Daffy yell.

“Aw man, I didn’t think the revolution would come this fast!” Dot musters out her mouth while clearing her throat. “Take my brothers instead!”

Once the smoke starts to clear up, we see the culprits emerge. Among the new trio was a short black cat donning a red cape and yellow sword, a blue skin alien with antennas coming out of his hair, and a pink-haired witch, who is also a cat. If I remember right, she usually looked grumpy, but now she looked worse.

“Alright which one of you geezers is responsible for this?” Susie McCallister (Summer Camp Island) says. 

Taking a moment for the air to clear, Wakko speaks up first. “.... Well, earlier Daffy said that it was Bugs’ fault.”

“Hey!” Bugs retorted.

“Well someone is responsible for all this mayhem,” Mao-Mao (Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart) sounded gruffer than usual. “I refuse to allow the residents of Pure Heart Valley and my co-hero and sidekick to become a tax write-off!”

Rad (OK KO) speaks for the first time. “Pfft, that’s what you call your boyfriend and adopted daughter?”

“I -uh, hey! Don’t question my relationship with Badgerclops and Adorabat!” the pitch-black cat had tinges of red in his cheeks.

“Hold up, why are you here?” Tulip turned to Susie. “I called Hedgehog over.”

Susie sighed heavily. “She and Oscar are in the middle of a protest at The Cartoonstitute and told me to come in their place.”

“And you came, willingly?” Tulip said skeptically.

“Ugh, unwillingly that is. But when your show is getting taken off a streaming platform while you’re in the middle of production on the final season, even I have to make exceptions…” she airs out with a sense of narcissism.

“Tell me about it,” Mao Mao sighed. “They promised us another season, but it's been two years and now we’re getting removed?! These people have no honor at all!”

“Yep, they are definitely not ashamed of being the villains in this story,” Rad says.

“Well aren’t you all just a bottle of sunshine?” I spurt out my usual serving of sarcasm. 

“Aw, and aren’t you just a toon product of an era gone by trying to cling onto relevance and an audience rather pathetically ?” Susie spits out.

Well, that caught me off guard, and it seemingly had the same effect on Wakko, who slunk back a bit, though Dot was known to be angry first and sad later.

“Oh oh oh, no you don’t you little Brit witch…!” My sister approaches Susie. “I don’t know where you got that level of sass, but you should learn to respect who’s in charge here.”

“Hey, I give the same level of respect to basically everyone I meet. Sorry that you can’t understand how better I am,” She got smugger as she went along. “Witch? Check. Cat? Double check. Hot? Triple check. Voiced by the creator? Quadruple check.”

“Radicles and I also share our creator’s voice,” Mao Mao says. “Oh, and the cat part, well it’s less seen in Rad.”

“Don’t forget the hot part,” Rad adds. “But while I enjoy talking about myself, I don’t usually talk others down in the process.”

“Tch, whatever, can we get some answers, please? Who do I have to hex, so I can go home?”

“No hexing” Porky says. “At least not any hu-hu-hu-humans.”

“Then why are we still here?” She lamented. 

Wakko answered her. “Just to suffer?”

“Now wait just a second,” Daffy spoke. “Let’s not rule anything out.”

“My polls are already bad enough cause of this mess, I do not need any more conflict with humans,” Dot stressed.

Soon enough the banter among ourselves dwindled as Bugs’ phone rang. “Speak of the devil, it’s one of the cogs in corporate, everyone be quiet for a sec.” 

“If you can keep them on the line long enough I can make a spell to track their location.” 

“Don’t.” He taps and answers. “Talk to me, doc. Uh-huh, uh-huh, makes sense. That doesn't make any sense at all! Well, when are they planning to remove the stuff? They don’t know?”

“More like they don’t want to answer how long we’re on the service,” groaned Rad. “Seriously, how does this make any sense?”

I chuckle, but it’s not that funny to think about. “When it comes to Warner Bros., the only thing that makes sense is nonsense, but this ain’t the fun kind.”

“How so?” Mao Mao asked.

“Ahem,” I clear my throat and begin to harmonize. “Well…”

“Preferably without song,” Dot added.

“… politics changed you sis.”

Sometimes I look back on how we got here. It almost makes me wish we were locked back in the water tower, almost . My sibs and I have existed for nearly a century, and just when things started coming up good for toons, the rug was pulled right under us. Now we could just start at the beginning, but where’s the fun in that when we can start at the end and work our way back?

Dot: Alright give me the mic, I got this.

Yakko: Aw c’mon, I was just getting to the fun part.

Dot : * Yoinks the mic away from Yakko and smirks .* Mine.

When you can’t save a sinking ship, you take the last life preserver: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KT7F15T9VBI  

April 8th, 2022 - Warner Bros. Studios Lot, CEO’s office

Much of the space was empty of the gym equipment, from the treadmill to dumbbells and yoga mats, the things that help defined Nora’s character, she begrudgingly had placed into boxes ready to be shipped out. After taping up the last package of protein shake bottles, she sadly stared up at the wall where the portrait of her predecessor once was. How could this have happened? She thought, at least I think she did, I’m not a mind reader ‘officially’, just a good judge of character. Of course, she knew how it all went down, everyone knows. But what Nora didn’t know was that my brothers and I were watching her this whole time. 

“Should we say something?” whispered Wakko.

“I dunno, I think this is the first time I saw her this down,” Yakko added.

“To be fair, I feel like this may be our fault,” Dot hissed. 

“I can hear you know.”

Our eyes opened wide like a deer in front of headlights. “No, you don’t,” Wakko murmured.

“You three are inside the box full of old protein shakes bottles, I can hear one of you slurping, and I assume it's the one with the hat.”

She really was on the nose, since Wakko was just about to eat the plastic bottles at that point. Coming out of the box and littering the floor with packing peanuts, we stand ready to face our regular shouting match, but rather than tearing us up verbally and threatening to tear us up physically, Nora just sighed heavily and leaned back in what once was her desk.

“Well, what do you want? Come to gloat? Drive me insane one last time?” She seemed to have little energy left in her.

“Aw Nora, you don’t need us three to drive you insane,” Yakko said. “You’re daughter Cora does that plenty.”

“We came over to give you a parting gift,” I pulled out of my pocket to give her a neatly wrapped present. “As a token of appreciation from the new Mayor of Toontown.”

Looking at us skeptically (and understandably so), Nora rips the wrapping paper and flinches for a moment, only to look closer at her box and her face appears completely dumbfounded. “A Kit-Cat Klock?”

“You don’t like it? We paid good money for that at the thrift store!” Dot argued.

“No, no, I mean, not into Kitsch really, but I was kinda expecting a pie in the face,” she tried to show some sympathy. Man, this merger ruined her.

“Did you want one?” Wakko was primed and ready with one in his hand. 

“I guess it makes more sense if you knew us back in the day,” Yakko added.

Nora raised an eyebrow. “Define back in the day? You mean the 90s?”

“Ahem,” Yakko clears his throat and begins to harmonize. “Well…”

A sudden knock on the door stopped the impending musical number. “Welp, that’s my cue.” Nora sighs. “Zaslav will want you three out of here, so I suggest leaving out the window.”

“Wait, why are you helping us?” I can’t help but ask.

“Don’t think about it too much,” Nora becomes more like her stern self. “Plotz was a greedy businessman who didn’t care about anything but profit, but he knew to keep professional ties with those in power, you included,” she points to me specifically. 

“Aw, come here you!” 

The three of us tackled Nora’s sides, somewhat not trying to crush her. “Ugh, please, I don’t do well with physical contact!”

The knocking on the door grows harder.

“In a minute!”

“Tell you what Nora, why don’t we give this new guy a warm Warner welcome?” Yakko smirked. 

For the first time since we met, Nora seemed a little eager about what we were planning. “Be my guest, I think I’ll be having a chat with Zaslav, take all the time you need.”

Once she closed the door behind her, the three of us cracked our fingers, loosened our limbs, and did what we did best.

“Boingy Boingy Boingy…!”

In the next few minutes we bounced around the office so much, knocking everything down and leaving plenty of stuff smashed, cracked, and crumbling, that by the time the new CEO came in, he ordered a new office. Even though it felt good at the moment, I still felt bad that it was (partially) our fault. 

Wakko: Ooh ooh, me me me!

Dot: Alright, take it, but be straightforward.

Wakko: But I’m not straight, and aren’t we moving backwards rather than forwards?

May 16th, 2021 - Warner Bros. Studios Lot, CEOs office

“You listen to me Pascal! Tell Sony that we’d accept $1 Billion in cash and no less!” Nora slammed her fist on her desk, nearly toppling the towers of paperwork that were piling up around her. “I’m basically giving you people a monopoly on Western distribution of Anime, and you’re giving me pennies!? Fine, but get rid of Funimation, just call it Crunchyroll.” She hangs up and leans back, staring at the imposing portrait of her predecessor looking even more disappointed than usual.

This wasn’t good, in fact, it was a bit terrifying, but when Ralph became chairman of Warner Bros. parent company, Nora was ready to deal with the utter stupid ideas that spewed out of that guard’s mouth. 

The DCEU was a complete tonal mess, there are some rumors about The Flash movie but as long as Ezra Miller doesn’t do anything else crazy, they’d weather that storm. And yeah, the idea to release movies simultaneously while putting them on HBO Max was a financial failure, but it’s not as if they didn’t have a lot of debt to begin with thanks to the buyout from AT&T and the pandemic. Apparently, there's a new plan to put live-action content back on Cartoon Network, even though the last time was a complete disaster. And as for Space Jam: A New Legacy, ugh…

But who was responsible for all this? A stupid DNA test that three toons got that shows that the most incompetent man alive is heir and now Chairman of one of the largest telecommunications conglomerates, and is now driving a respected film studio to the ground. “All of this because of the Warner brothers...” She hissed.

“And the Warner sister!” Dot called out as she revealed our hiding spot near the window. “Everyone forgets the cute one.”

“Ah! You three!” Nora yelled at us, but once the surrounding pages began to shake, her shoulders slumped down. “I swear, if I wasn’t swamped with work right now I would grab you by the necks and-”

“Up up up,” Yakko interrupted her. “Any threat against an elected official is a serious felony, and as Senior Aide to my sister, I suggest you take back your comment.”

“And as Junior Aide, I suggest you clean up your office lady,” I added. “Seriously, why is it so cluttered-”

My train of thought went from chugging to stopping as I heard a sudden shatter of glass, followed by a phone smacking me right on the head and leading me to falling down a story or two on the studio lot road.

“... owie…” 

Yakko swoops down to help me up, and looking up at the office window I see Dot and Nora in a very heated argument.

“Yeesh, that looked like a rough fall, you didn’t break anything did you?” My brother asked concerned.

“Nah, I’m all good, mostly cause I don’t have anything to break,” I say as I loosen my limbs like rubber hose. Right then and there, the phone rang, and seeing that Nora was busy threatening us for being a public nuisance while Dot threatened legal action for chucking a phone at me, I did the courteous thing by answering her call.

“Yello hello?”

“Nora? You sound funny,” A familiar voice answered. “Durh, are you in Liverpool? He-he, ‘Liver’.”

“Ralph! How’s it been, being on top of the world?”

“Aw, it’s been really fun. But durh, I wished there were more polar bears here, it’s mostly just a bunch of old guys in suits in offices, but its pretty cold ‘cause of ‘da AC. Oh, right! Durh, I need an answer on that thing I was talking about, should I delay ‘da burger, or proceed as planned? I gots to know right now!”

That didn’t sound concerning at all. Oh wait, I’m a public official, it should! “Ralph, you know that I would never turn down a burger, especially if it’s raw and not well-done, so proceed as planned!”

“Aw, thanks, durh, I’ll go tell d’em right away!” He hangs up.

Yakko, who overheard much of the call, looked at me puzzled. “Weird, why would Ralph ask about lunch?”

“It’s Ralph, he thought that it was a good idea to make us the security guards to keep us from running around the movie lot.”

All of a sudden we hear the commotion above grow to a boiling point. “And I’m telling you that election was a sham!” Nora states leaning out the broken window.

“Anyone with half a mind knows you three can’t run anything right!”

“And I’m telling you that someone had to look out for us toons! Heck, you're a toon yourself, so is Ralph, and you don't want your rights protected?!”

“Bah! Plotz may have been the first toon CEO at Warner Bros., but it wasn’t because he was like others, he was methodical and cunning, basically a cog. He rose up the ranks and spoke their language. You three on the other hand are nothing but trouble! You’re the toon equivalent of those bunch of morons on Reddit who got lucky with Gamestonk-” she paused and looked down. “What was that call about…?” she spoke softer.

I answered. “Oh, Ralph just wanted to know if he should get a burger, I said yes. By the way, are any of you guys up for In-And-Out?” 

Nora just gave me a thousand-yard stare.

“You. Did. WHAAAAAT?!” she screeched. 

“... So Five Guys instead? I know, it’s controversial, but I prefer-”

“MERGER! Ralph can’t speak properly even if he tried! That illiterate idiot was talking about a merger with Warner Bros. and Discovery! And you approved it?!”

“Oh…” Yakko, Dot, and I collectively realized. After the awkward silence, Yakko spoke up. “Okay, but to be fair, you can’t blame Ralph for his condition, whatever it is…”

“ARGH! You! Middle child syndrome!” She pointed at me. “Phone. Give. Now!”

I simply shrug. “Alrighty then, catch.”

She didn’t catch it, as her phone smacked her in the face, causing her to tumble back into her office, where a sudden crash and shuffle was followed by a shower of papers flying out the window and all around us.

“Ooh, confetti, it’s like how it was on Election Day!” I say.

I seemed to be having plenty of fun, but Yakko and Dot didn’t seem all that happy. 

“Well, this isn’t great,” Yakko said. “But at least it wasn’t like what happened in January.”

Yakko: Oh brother, January was definitely not fun. 

Dot: Yeah, you can take this next one.

Wakko: So, is this how we’re doing it?

Yakko: Pretty much, let’s just announce whose telling the story first.

Jamie: …well, I wasn’t expecting that big of a bombshell.

Dot: Yeah, well, it’s not like this is live right? *Gulps* Right? 

Yakko: Anyhoo, let’s wind the clocks back a bit.

January 20th, 2021, U.S. Capitol Building, Washington D.C.

"...and I pledge, to fight as hard for those who did not support me as for those who did…" we hear the speech drag on. The only reason we managed to stay awake was the fact that it was freezing that morning. The guy sitting next to us, I think it was Larry David, was the smart guy and was all bundled up with his coat and mittens. Thankfully, we were only required to stay for the speech, so we bolted to that sweet Chinese place we went to last time, got to Reagan National and got on the next flight to LAX.

Once we landed, the jet lag took us over, and we had only had a few minutes at the kiosks to compose ourselves as our ink felt mushy, and

“Longest 5 and a half hours of my life…” Wakko muttered.

“Ugh, why did I decide to go into politics…?” Dot lamented.

“You said it yourself sis, you would be the face of the government and I would do most of the talking behind the scenes,” I said. “Believe me, I wanna go back straight home, but we have to get back to Toontown for that press conference with the Disassociated Press .”

Dot sighed. “I still can’t believe we agreed to go to D.C., especially what happened weeks ago. And I thought the freaks we have on our show are weird enough, but that guy dressed as a Viking is something else.”

“You did promise to attend the ceremony as part of the deal with the new administration.”

“Well, clearly the old one wasn’t willing to negotiate since they convince a bunch of idiots to try and take the Capitol over the election!”

“Well it’s over now, but we gotta get back to work before the day is out.”

“Aw, do we have to…?” Wakko groaned as his belly rumbled. “Can we at least get a bite to eat? Airline food, eugh, you always hear about it in stand-up, but I don’t see the appeal.”

“Sure bud, In-N-Out?”

“You know, I’ve heard good stuff about Five Guys recently.”

Dot: My turn, oh boy I’ve been waiting for this.

November 3rd, 2020 - Warner Bros. Water Tower / Campaign Headquarters

I never thought that this many people would be in our water tower, willingly that is. But toons from every facet of the company came in support of us, from the smallest side characters in Craig of the Creek, to classic Cartoon Network toons like The Edds, and big names like Tom and Jerry (although it was hard to communicate with them whenever they weren’t trying to kill each other, plus they don’t really talk). The campaign was so big that we managed to get support from the other studio toons, from Kipo Oak and Star Butterfly being part of the PR team to half the residents of Bikini Bottom and handing out flyers. It’s almost hard to believe that this place once wrongfully imprisoned me and my brothers for so long, but now it feels so warm and hopeful. Oh man, that sounded pretty good, maybe I’ll put in my speech. Thanks brain!

“You're welcome.” 

“Ah!” I jumped, staring down at my campaign manager. “You can read minds now?”

“Unfortunately no, at least not yet,” Brain said. “Seeing that I’m the reason you’re about to become mayor, I took the liberty of thanking myself.”

“Well, thanks, seriously you really pulled through, all of you,” I gestured to the rest of the room, where Yakko and Wakko were with me from day one, as well as even the old guard made up of Porky, Daffy and Bugs. We all circled around the main table, which was a gift from Daffy. 

“As a former mayor, I’d like to say that the race ain’t over yet, but at the rate we’re going it’s a shoe in!” Bugs gleamed.

Everyone gave their early congratulations, even Daffy, who was still salty about not qualifying for running for office, again.

“So, have you considered the proposal?” Brain asked.

“I don't know…,” I said warily. “Washington is basically cog central, just a bunch of suits that think only about money and profit and are constantly bought out by lobbyists who want to further their own businesses and leave everyone else in the dust. So why do they want us at the Inauguration all of a sudden?” I asked. 

“They want to be seen as progressive and friendly to toon kind, and having you three present at the ceremony will solidify themselves as allies.”

“But they didn’t help us at all,” Wakko pointed out.

Yakko stepped forward. “Plus, we asked if they would send anyone to the march back in August in solidarity, but no one showed. And as for ‘supporting’ our campaign, all they’ve done is retweet our posts with little to no context. So what gives? Is Californian Selina Meyer tired of playing the Democrats Weekend at Bernie’s skit?”

“Ms. Harris and Mr. Biden need high-profile friends, and I have personally confirmed that among the first things the new administration plans to sign into effect will be the secured protection of voting rights for toons. That way, not even congress can repeal it. Besides, if they lose, I have a contingency plan with the current administration,” Brain stated. “As it turns out, Mr. Trump is easy to buy out.”

“Playing both sides, why didn’t I get this guy for my campaign…?” Daffy grumbled.

“Because I choose the winning side.”

“Narf! That’s my brain, always one step ahead.” Our heads turned to see Pinky enter the scene. “Although, didn’t you lose earlier this year when you tried to get Julia as president?”

Brain’s eyes twitched. “I haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about…”

“Sure you do! Remember Julia? Your ex-wife? Who you gave intelligence with that do-hickey in her head? And you tried to run for president, but she was more popular? And then you made her go all crazy and lost before the primaries? Plus you ended up getting a divorce…?”

Well, that made me plenty concerned, so I leaned to my older brother. “There’s not some sort of device in my brain is there?” I whispered.

And like any good brother, he sighed pulled my ears wide open and took a look inside, came out but looked white as a sheet ghost. “...nope, but there’s this new thing called q-tips, might wanna look into that.”

“N-n-n-not to be a spoilsport,” Porky leaned in our conversation. “But why did we hire him? Isn’t he pure e-e-e-evil?”

“Evil? Most definitely. Pure evil?” I looked left to see Pinky and The Brain continue their bickering, and then looked right to see another familiar duo in a similar argument.

“I still think you rigged that election rabbit!”

“Daff, that was back in the 70s, let it go.”

I turn back to Porky. “Nah, we’re fine. Besides, this is politics, you need some evil to get ahead in the polls.”

“Not to mention that we were working with those two on the new show,” Wakko added. “It was just easier since they were there.”

“Oh right, that’s c-c-c-coming out in a few weeks right?” Porky asked. “Wait a s-s-s-second, how are you gonna run Toontown and work on your r-r-r-reboot too?”

“Pssh, it’ll be fine,” I played it off. “I know it’s normal for retired toons to run for office, but I’m gonna be the one to show everyone that it can be done.”

As midnight came and the polls came in, I came in the lead with a solid 68% (just one percent away from a true victory). But unlike the ‘other’ election, my opponent Rapunzel was there to support me as I was sworn into office. Of course, we knew the real reason that I managed to climb to the top. And darn it, I earned it. Once we entered our new office in city hall and looked at the various portraits of mayors before us, dating back all the way to Felix the Cat. Basking at the great and hallowed space and closing the doors behind us, my brothers and I treated this office with great respect as we clasped our hands together and danced in a circle.

“We’re in charge! We’re in charge!”

Yakko: *Grabs mic.* Yoink! Now then, let’s talk about voting rights!

August 26th, 2020 - The National Mall, Washington D.C.

“100 years ago today, the great suffragettes of that time helped lead the fight for their right, and the right of all women, to vote in this great nation of ours. Ten years after in 1930, my brothers and I were drawn into this world, only to be wrongfully convicted and incarcerated! And we all know why.”

My sis gave a good speech for sure, mostly because I wrote it, but that doesn’t mean that they threw us in the tower 100% unjustified, well maybe 96%. 

“But we didn’t let this keep us down, we got out of that place, made it a proper home, and showed that toons from the 30s can still kick it in the 90s. And today, the long night is over, now is the dawn of a new age, one where we’re seen as equals. One where we are not restricted to voting for a mayor, but for a congressman and president as well.  I might be only be a drawing, but I still want equal rights!”

“No animation without representation!”

The crowd roared in applause and cheer. There she stood in front of a podium and hundreds of thousands of toons that flocked to D.C. as the decision on our right to vote was being passed by congress. Not only were there toons from every studio in North America, but there was a decent amount from Europe and an insane amount that flew in from Japan in a sign of solidarity, despite laws over there being worse for Anime toons. It didn’t take too much to try and convince the liberals to pass the bill, I did the bulk work of talking to people to try and convince them, mostly by just yakking till their ears couldn’t handle anymore, there were a few that couldn’t care less about the Toon demographic. As for the conservatives, they were harder to convince, but thankfully Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd managed to bring those last few votes since they were NRA members, so that was a nice conversation starter. 

By the end of the session, the entire city was celebrating our newfound right to vote in the next election. We don’t know how, but after the absolute party and chaos that ensued, we ended up having a celebratory dinner in a low-key Chinese restaurant tucked behind a Days Inn outside the National Arboretum (This is a real place, good food). Everyone there was a toon, so thankfully we didn’t need to worry too much about covid since it doesn’t have much of an effect on us. Soon enough there was talk about what to do next.

“Nun four mayo?” Dot asked with a mouthful of dumplings in her mouth. 

Brain continued his proposal. “Precisely, you’ve led the movement this far, why not take a step further and become leader of all of Toontown?”

“Now hold on a minute,” Wakko speak up. “We only just started hanging out and that’s mostly because you and Pinky are the only ones aside from Scratchansniff and Ralph from the original show that are working on the reboot. What’s your angle?”

“No angle at all,” Brain gives off his most neutral tone, which is usually just his regular tone, but it makes it harder to read him. “I simply wish to aid my fellow co-stars in their endeavors, is that such a surprise?”

“Yes.” Everyone at the restaurant, including the other customers and staff, collectively agreed.

Brain clears his throat. “Ahem, well perhaps I just wish to turn over a new leaf, so what do you say?” He reached his hand out to Dot.

“Before we agree to anything, let’s get a second source,” I turn to Pinky, who was swimming in soy sauce. Well so much for using that. “Pinky, is Brain trying to pull a fast one over us?”

“Hmm, well Yakko, I promised Rob Paulsen that I wouldn’t lie to you, so no, Brain can’t run very fast, his legs are too stubby. I keep telling him we should go to the gym, but he always finds some reason to avoid it, like trying to take out the president of Russia or stealing the Crown jewels of England.”

“You tried taking out Putin?!” Dot exclaimed. “And failed?! How can I expect you to lead my campaign then?”

“Believe me Dot, this time, I won’t fail. I even managed to snag Biden’s endorsement, you help promote him, and he endorses you.”

I sighed. “Well, where credit is due, he’s cunning at least.”

Dot hesitated, but she took a large swig of iced tea and clasped her hand around his hand and shook. It’s weird thinking that it wasn’t until very recently we just had a reunion, and it was after so long.

To be continued...

Chapter Text

Wakko: Alright, let’s speed-run this.

Should I put a trigger warning here for people uncomfortable with minstrel animation? IDK https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RM7lw0Ovzq0 

2018 - Warner Bros. Water Tower

It was weird that they called us back, but we just finished traveling so why not? We pried the door open, and thankfully, it was all still intact. Of course, there was dust everywhere, but after being gone for so long, I’m just glad they put everything back together again. 

“Ah, home sweet water tower!” Yakko said gleefully.

“It’s like it never changed,” I added.

“Or like it wasn’t destroyed 16 years ago…” Dot added with a hint of bitterness.

“Ah c’mon Dot, we all forgave Daffy for that when we showed up,” Yakko pointed out.

Dot was a bit less miffed. “Yeah, yeah, his housewarming gift better be good though. But about this reboot, did Mr. Spielberg give us any idea what it’s gonna be like?

“I thought he talked to Wakko,” Yakko turned to me.

I shrugged. “He was just there for the ‘re-animation’ process. But didn’t even show up for our first skit, it was the toon version of him, and they replaced his voice with Andy Miller. (No, really, look it up.) To be fair, he wasn’t there as much during the 90s either, what’s the difference now?”

“The difference is that Tom isn’t coming back,” Yakko griped. “Not to mention basically every toon else except Pinky and The Brain.”

“Well, at least Ralph and Dr. Scratchansniff are still around,” Dot added. “And at least the others seemed to be enjoying retirement.”

“I guess…” Yakko slumped on the couch, ignoring the dust cloud that encompassed him. Clearly, our big brother was feeling blue.

“Something on your mind?” Dot sat down first.

Yakko sighed. “Eh, nothing much, it’s just weird.”

“What is?”

Yakko sighed heavily. “All of this. Being rebooted. Plus all this is happening while the company is being bought out by AT&T, things are changing more than I like.”

I guess he did have a point. Being redrawn and rewritten is a new feeling entirely. I guess to humans it's like being reborn into a new body that seems likes yours but isn’t. Thankfully Porky, Daffy, and Bugs were there with us during the process.

“But it’s not all bad, I don’t feel much different,” I say in high spirits. “And it’s nice that people still want to see us again.”

Dot joined in on the good vibes. “Yeah, it’s not a bad thing for toons to find work again. Heck, even the Censored Eleven toons had a spotlight in that Jay-Z music video.”

“I’m just happy they got enough money now to pay for a redraw,” Yakko added. “Poor guys may have it rougher than us.” That was an understatement. Despite being some of the first African-American toons, they were also the most stereotypically drawn, making it hard for them to find work due to their appearance, most who could afford it paid to be redrawn less caricature-like and more like people.

“Look Yak, change is always weird at first, but it can be good. For all we know, Toons might be allowed to vote outside Toontown someday, plus after traveling for so long it might feel good to set up shop here for a while. That’s a nice change of pace.”

Yakko smiled softly and pulled us in for a hug. “Aw, you guys… maybe the show won’t be so bad

“By the way, whose show running it again?” I ask.

Yakko pulled out his tablet and looked up the production credits. “Some guy that mostly worked on Family Guy.”

After those last two words, we just stood in silence, contemplating just what sort of anguish and tribulation we were set to go through.

“Welp, at least here’s hoping that Hulu pays good.”

“I still think they meant to say Hula,” I add. “I missed those grass skirts in Hawaii.”

“Brother, you and me both,” Yakko smirked. “Goodnight everybody!”

Dot: Alright, you got it out of your system, pass it to me. Let the world tour of the Warners begin! Or end? Man, this format is complicated.

2015 - Sana'a, Yemen

Most of the new patients came in after the truce ended after five short days. A large amount were children, and what was more disturbing was that they didn’t come in with their parents. The war has been raging for a year, people killing each other over their beliefs and committing horrific acts on women and children alike. It wasn’t too hard to swallow, she worked in Libya a few years back, she’s accustomed to how cruel humans can be. It wasn’t the most glorious job, or even the more respectable, and heck, if she was a human, she could wind up dead from a stray bullet. But dang it, she takes pride in helping those in need, even if she was one of the few toons that joined Doctors Without Borders, and she always received plenty of uncomfortable stares, even borderline harassment from co-workers and patients alike, after all, she was working in places where women were treated as property, an object. That’s something she’s used to as well. But thankfully none of them used the phrase-

“HELLO DOCTOR!!” 

“AH!” With the speed of a bullet, our target came at Yakko first with a left hook. Granted, we all said it, but he was the tallest and hardest not to miss.

“What the - you guys!?” Heloise was both shocked and mortified. “What are you doing here?!”

“Well, we were in the neighborhood, or what’s left of it, and heard you were working here,” Wakko said.

“So we brought you a little gift,” I pulled out the gift-wrapped box and presented it to her.

Heloise’s jaw was still slack. “You came to an active war zone just to give me a gift?”

“Well, we- ACK!” Yakko stood and fixed his nose (rather haphazardly). “We heard you finally got your doctorate, and wanted to congratulate you.” 

“Plus, we already visited the Hip Hippos back in Bogotá, they said hi by the way,” Wakko added.

The former nurse looked curious. “Oh, how are they?”

“They’re doing pretty well for themselves, enjoying Columbian high society and whatnot, they really connect well with those Escobar hippos. We also ran into Katie Kaboom, she graduated from Pomona State with a dual major in demolition and physical therapy. Rita and Runt are still living with Dr. Scratchansniff but are also working at the local pet shelter along with Buttons and Mindy. And Minerva’s fashion career has really taken off, they all also gave you a little something.” 

Wakko hands Heloise a bunch of postcards from their former co-stars. 

“Wow, thank you I - you… didn’t call me Hello Nurse,” she said retrospectively.

“Yeah…” Yakko stared at the floor, but took a deep breath and continued. “Look, the 90s were a different time, and I ain’t excusing me or Wakko’s behavior then, but on behalf of the Warner brothers and sister, I’m sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable back in Burbank.”

“I’m sorry too,” Wakko apologized. “We were made back in the 30s and things didn’t change too much 60 years later.”

Heloise scoffed but also smiled a bit. “Yeah, the world is still run by men, but for what it’s worth you guys seem somewhat more… approachable now.”

“Pfft, oh please sister,” I butted in. “You should’ve seen these guys in Japan. My lord is that place a toon's best dream / worst nightmare.”

“Hey, it’s not our fault they draw them differently over there,” Yakko defended himself. “All we did was the occasional AWOOGA and wolf-whistle, and we made sure that they were over 18, which was actually pretty hard since they really like drawing high school girls. At least we didn’t grope anyone on the trains because the government there encourages it, or snuck into a female bathhouse and tried to play it off as ‘just being your typical male anime protagonist’. Even I have my limits.”

Wakko added, “It wasn’t all bad, there are so many toons over there, probably than Toontown at this rate. It was nice visiting TMS, they helped with a lot of the animation for the show, plus I can never turn down Japanese food.”

“That’s the reason why we can’t go back!” I reminded him. “You ended up clearing out every other restaurant we ate at to the point they had to shut down.”

“Oh like you were any better,” he retorted. “You couldn’t help but ogle at all those buff shirtless dudes who were in that swimming anime.”

“They were hunks alright?! Sue me.”

“Since they were drawn only a few years ago and you’re past 80 we might as well!” Yakko replied as well.

“But if we’re talking about how old we were meant to look, they were high schoolers, and Dot’s only nine, so we could sue them,” Wakko added.

Heloise just laughed at our nonsensical argument. “Well, thanks for stopping by, and for the clock.”

“Anytime Dr. Nerz,” Yakko said. “Huh, is it me or is ‘doctor’ hotter than ‘nurse’?”

Heloise groaned. “You’re probably just getting older.”

Yakko smirks. “Growing old, but not up!” 

Yakko: Gimme gimme gimme! (a woman after midnight)

2013 - Paris, France

After getting kicked from the Louvre for messing around with the art exhibits, my sibs and I wound up in a café overlooking the Seine. There, we saw plenty of street performers, but one stood out, an old foe, one that I prayed we’d never see again. 

“Mime!” we all leaped out and crushed him in a hug.

Mime tried to make a break for it by trying to jump straight into the river, but we knew that he wanted to catch up just as much as we did. Granted, we did much of the talking, actually all the talking, but I guess that’s why we got so along with Mime.

“Honestly, why can Bugs, Daffy, and Elmer jump through priceless art and goof off there for the movie, but we were outright banned from it?” Dot complained whilst sipping her tea. 

Wakko gulped down a baguette in one swallow. “You said it sis, sometimes I wonder why Warner Bros. cares so much about them but not us? We share the same name.”

“Well, to be fair Warner Bros. hasn’t been the best to the Looney Tunes, or any toons in their library,” I added. “They basically gave up on animated films, although I hear they’re coming back with some movie about Legos. And just look at Cartoon Network a couple of years back.”

“Yeah, not to mention what happened earlier this year in Boston during the marathon, I guess those cops were right to be paranoid and get mad at the network back during the incident of ‘07,” Wakko brought up.

“Ugh, I’m just glad they finally moved past their live-action phase before it was too late,” Dot lamented. “Why would anyone wanna watch Andrew W.K. destroy stuff, build stuff, and then destroy it again?”

“And why did Nick Cannon make a show with a crew and called it incredible if it wasn’t at all?” Wakko questioned. “Not to mention the Ghost Hunters knockoff that didn’t have any paranormal stuff, the MythBusters knockoff without the science, and I don’t know who Bobb’e is and why I should listen to what he says.”

“That’s why they all got canned. But they seem to be in a better place now, thanks to Finn and Jake, Mordecai and Rigby, and Gumball and Darwin, they practically saved that network. Thank goodness for the Cartoonstiute,” I added. “I’m glad the cogs let toons do something with that failed project and made a new school for toons in CN City. All these new characters definitely got something, heck I even heard some Disney properties are taking classes there.”

“It’s mostly because they focus more on ‘serialized’ stories,” Dot chimed in. “I mean, I’m more of an Acme Looniversity girl myself, but that’s just me talking.”

“Didn’t you drop out of there after going for one semester in 1998?” Wakko asked.

Dot clapped back. “The show had just ended, and we had a bit of free time before we had to film your movie. I just sorta forgot to go back…”

“Speaking of graduations, or rather not graduating,” I look smugly at Dot, who just sticks her tongue out at me. “I heard this new show coming out later this year about the kid with the magic belly button looked interesting. What do you think Mime?” I turned to our guest.

Mime wasn’t much of a talker, but he was fairly decent at charades, so Wakko, Dot, and I took a stab at what he was trying to say as he moved his body

“... You think that Rebecca Sugar did pretty good work on Adventure Time with story boarding and songwriting?” I asked.

“... It can’t be worse than Teen Titan’s Go!, but you also think people are too harsh online for a spin-off series that wasn’t meant to be a direct continuation of the original series?” Dot commented.

“... You're just happy that Prop 8 was repealed?” Wakko asked. “Me too, pal.”

He kept getting more erratic in his movements, but I think he gestured us to look up. 

“Up? I quite liked that film, shame it lost Best Picture,” Wakko guessed.

“Up, up and away? Superheroes? I mean we did see those new french ones, the guy version of Catwoman and the magical girl version of Spider-Man?” Dot gave her shot. “‘Miraculous something?”

“Up there?” I asked but still stared at him. “Look Mime, I'm happy you found God, but I like to sleep in on Sundays so-”

Unfortunately, we didn’t get the idea before a random anvil crashed right down on him. Taking a moment to check if he was still breathing, which he was, we all had a good hearty laugh.

“Oh Mime, you sure know how to have a good time!” Dot hands his squashed body a kit-cat klock. “Here’s a little something from us.”

Wakko: Oh geez, how long is this already? Better pick up the pace.

If you think this is bad, this is actually a different version of one of his other songs, ‘Not going to bed’, that is an experience all by itself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fwlb2gGEk54 

2009 - Dumbo, Brooklyn

“Are you Hearing What I Said?! Hearing what I said!? We’re showing more than just cartoons!” 

That was the message given by the guy dressed in white playing the guitar in the shadow of the Williamsburg Bridge. We didn’t even know about this event until we arrived. We were in the middle of heading into the cruise terminal for the next boat heading to Nova Scotia to begin our international tour, but while taking a pit stop to binge-eat every hipster specialty shop, we also bumped into a few feathered friends.

“It’s been hard to be a pigeon nowadays,” Squit sighed. “Everywhere you look around here is nothing but spikes placed on all the signs and good eating spots.”

“Bah! I swears, this city used to be perfect for swooping in and taking bites out of food from unsuspecting customers,” Pesto groaned. 

“Eh, relax,” Bobby’s tone was lax as always. “It ain’t so bad, at least there are new options in what to eat, sometimes those hipsters put out something that hits the spot, and good Italian food never goes away.”

“Amen brother,” I said as I was in the process of finishing a whole pepperoni pie with extra olives sardines, goulash, and bologna. 

“I want live-action! That’s right!” The booming performance down the street continued, and it was hard to ignore that elephant in the room.

“Okay, is it me or did they forget that it’s literally called ‘Cartoon Network’?” Yakko asked.

“Tch, what do you expect from the cogs?” Dot groans. “I heard that things have been crazy since AOL split off, they canceled The Cartoonstitute shorts program and let go some of the animators, and they haven’t made a single new cartoon this year, the only new ones are bought up from Canada, like that reality show with the teens competing on an island.”

“Plus they’re making their own reality shows, trying to compete with Nickelodeon and Disney in the live-action market,” Yakko shook his head in dismay. The Writers Guild strike from 2007-2008 really did lead to a boom in unscripted television, and a rise in channels like Discovery, History Channel, and TLC to focus less on actual documentaries and more on trashy spectacles. Thankfully Warner Bros. has a little decency from making that stuff.”

“Don’t sweat it guys,” Squit. “I’m sure the network will bounce back after this, and it’s not our problem anyhow, we’re retired, we can just sit back, relax, and do what we want to, ain’t that right Pesto?”

The pigeon in question turned to Squit. “What do you mean by that?”

“I - I just meant that we don’t need to worry about work anymore-”

“What? You think that I enjoy being retired? You think I enjoy not worrying about film schedules or keeping up appearances and being able to be my own bird and just recently got the opportunity to work with Martin Scorsese on that new show set in Atlantic City with Steve Buscemi attached to it?!” Pesto spiraled into yet another rant.

“We-well it’s a good opportunity ain’t it?”

Pestos ruffles his feathers. “That’s it!” And comes at Squit and the two are punching blows at each other.

“Ey, ey, ey, knock it off you two,” Bobby says. (No, not that one)

“Right… well, we got a boat to catch, here’s something to remember us by.” Dot places the kit-cat klock next to the brawl. “See you guys whenever!” And we bolted to the dock to get out of that scene and the absolute disrespect that was playing nearby. The three of us tried to think how Cartoon Network was allowing this to happen, but it probably wasn’t our fault, right?

Dot: Oh brother, this is just a tell-all isn’t it?

January 31, 2007 - Boston, Massachusetts

“I found another one!” Wakko led us to an elevated section of Interstate 93. And just like he said, there was another Lite-Brite Mooninite LED display. That was the fourth one we found that morning, a brand-new record.

“Sibs, we are on a roll!” Yakko congratulated us as he marked off one of them on a clipboard. “At this rate, we’ll beat our time back in Chicago before lunchtime.”

“I still wonder why Adult Swim decided to promote the new Aqua Team Hunger Force movie like this,” I wondered generally.

“Eh, guerilla marketing is all the rage now,” Yakko answered. 

“Well, I like it!” Wakko said. “It’s like a scavenger hunt, hopefully CN City is the next destination, it’s been a while since we stopped by California.”

“I wish they aired more bumpers of the town on Cartoon Network,” Yakko commented. “They finished building that new neighborhood in Toontown back in 2004, and it’s barely shown nowadays.”

“Eh, maybe they’ll make some new theme for the network,” I added. “I’m sure the next phase of Cartoon Network will be fine, at least it seems to be in a more good place than the WB.”

Yakko sighed. “I miss that network, but this new CW channel might be good, but back to the lite-brites, where to next?”

“Maybe we should ask someone?” Wakko asked.

Right then and there, a pedestrian was walking next to us. 

“Excuse me, have you seen any more of these around?” 

Wakko pointed to the Lite-Brite, and the pedestrian’s eyes were wide open

“BOMB!” They screamed and ran off while pulling out their phone and dialing 911.

“Well that was rude,” Wakko commented. “At least tell us how to get to the State Capitol building.”

Making our way there, however, we began to notice that much of Boston was now overrun by police cars and that the entire city was shut down. It wasn’t until we found another Mooninite that the bomb squad got to it first. Once we left for Concord, New Hampshire, we may have realized that we did a bit of an oopsy.

Jamie: Oh come on?! How the heck did you guys get involved in that mess?!

Wakko:… I’m very accident-prone alright?

Dot: Cut us some slack, we didn’t know that Turner Broadcasting had to pay Boston $2 million in damages, or that the president of Cartoon Network would be fired and replaced by Stuart Synder, or that Synder would spearhead CN Real and all that live-action slop.

Yakko: Although to be fair, it’s not like they didn’t want to try live-action before. A couple of months before Boston happened, Cartoon Network released Re-Animated as a live-action/animation hybrid and then made a spin-off called Out of Jimmy’s Head, but that show was cut short because of the Writer’s Guild strike. And if anything, this just shows that Cartoon Network has been screwed by corporate even far back as then.

Dot: You gotta admit, putting a bunch of strange devices around a city in post-9/11 America wasn’t the best idea, but we saw those little guys all over Chicago, Portland, Austin, and Philadelphia, and no one called the cops then. And yeah, after what happened six years later at the marathon they were more than justified.

Jamie: What were you three even doing traveling all over?

Yakko: We always wanted to see the world and experience a bit of culture, plus our place got trashed.

2003 - Warner Bros. Studio Lot

“No no no, they can’t do this to me!” Thaddeus Plotz yells into his landline phone. “It’s not my fault that people aren’t interested in American Online anymore. I’ve made HBO the highest-rated paid-cable channel. I bought that British wizard book series and made it into one of our biggest hits! Furthermore, I own half of New Zealand just so we can make Lord of the Rings, and now they want me gone?! Good luck with that!”

He slams the phone and hangs up. Clearly, Plotz wasn’t expecting this to happen, but he was a toon himself (technically at least), so it must’ve been a matter of time before the board wanted him out. It’s been a busy year for sure, especially with the new Looney Tunes movie that was meant to help out their struggling Feature Animation department, and they’ve been through so many reshoots and rewrites. Sure, the Dot Com bubble was bad, and yeah, the merger was arguably the worst in the history of corporate America, but he wasn’t going down without a fight, and nothing would get rid of him, not even-

“Plotzy, we got a bone to pick with you!” The Warner brothers and sister busted right through the office door.

Plotz grumbled. “Not now! Whatever shenanigans you three are causing I’m not having any of it-”

“Oh no you don’t,” I spoke up. “We eavesdropped on you and know everything, so before you get fired by the board, please explain to me, my brother, and my sister why we aren’t allowed entry into our own home?”

Plotz smirked and looked out the window towards our home. “You mean the company water tower that I can decide what to do with. I decided that it should serve its intended purpose and flooded it.”

“You did what…?” Wakko and Dot’s ears drooped down. 

“Oh please, you think you had a say in it? The 90s are over, and you three haven’t been in any recent work since Tom Ruegger left.”

“You mean when you let him go,” I argued. “You can’t kick us out!”

“I can, and I have. And don’t think I’m going away any time soon, it’s not like the deal was that bad.”

“You blew $182 Billion on the merger, but AOL won’t be worth two ha’pennies eventually,” Wakko pointed out.

“Bah, you kids clearly weren’t here when Time Inc. merged with us. The studio will weather this storm, throwing out anything we don’t need, including you three and all your extras, and as long as I’m here, there’s nothing you can do-!”

Plotz’s rant was cut short as he heard a crash in the distance, followed by a bunch of screaming. Looking back to the window, my sibs and I could do nothing but watch our beloved water tower come crashing down, flooding the streets below and dozens of crew fleeing in terror.

“Oh, I’m so fired…” Plotz bemoaned. 

For a few moments, we just stood in shock, but I felt compelled to run to the disaster. Wakko and Dot sre tailing behind me, but not before our sister handed Plotz a box.

“Happy retirement,” and she gives him his very own kit-cat klock.

Dodging past the crowds of people running away and wadding through the ankle-high stream of water that began to calm down as the smoke cleared up, we see two figures leaning over the wreckage assessing the damages.

“Oh dear…” Dr. Scratchnsniff muttered. “V’at is not gud at all.”

“T-t-t-this is a mess!” Porky said. “Wait, the kids w-w-w-weren’t in there were they?!”

“Sorry to burst your bubble Pork,” I spoke and both the actor and psych jumped in surprise, then sighed in relief. 

“Oh, thank gud’ness!” Scratchnsniff smiled. “I v’ought you were hurt.”

“Please, like anything can kill us,” Dot said confidently.

Wakko chimed in. “I mean, there is Dip-” 

“Don’t talk about that!” Everyone collectively didn’t want to mention the ‘forbidden’ substance.

“Hold on a sec, is that the Batmobile?” Dot points to the smashed but visibly intact vehicle, with a certain duck beside it. “Oh, of course this is your fault!”

“Hey!” Daffy attempted to defend himself. “Bugs said that the ph-scene had me crashing into the water tower, blame him!” He gestures to the rabbit, who entered the disaster area and is not happy at all.

“The model! I said the model water tower the set designers built!” Bugs points down the alley to where the miniature model in question stood. Unfortunately, I doubt me or any of my sibs would be able to fit inside. “Like fifty times I told you that.”

“... Okay, that may have been my fault,” Daffy says.

Dot slowly walked menacingly toward the duck. “...ya think?!”

“Now hold on, to be fair, Plotz already kicked out, so it’s not like you had a home to come back to-AH!” Daffy couldn’t finish his sentence as Dot came at him with an oversized mallet and chased him further along with Wakko. 

“You’re a dead duck you hear?!” Dot screeched.

While they were busy running around the lot, I decided to hang back and chat up our current living arrangements with Bugs, who seemed pissed at the decision. 

“Those entitled suits, they really gave you the boot, huh?” 

“Basically, I mean once Plotz told us he filled the water tower with… water, I was planning to drain it and move our stuff back in, but apparently they left most of our stuff there…” I gestured to the broken furniture and appliances.

“You’re more v’an welcome to stay with me and Rita and Runt,” Scratchnsniff offers.

“Thanks doc,” I said, knowing that Bugs behind me was smiling to himself proudly. “But I think this is a wake-up call.”

Bugs raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I love singing about the countries of the world, but I haven’t really left Burbank or Toontown. In fact, we’ve been here for over 70 years, but we never really traveled. Plus Wakko has always wanted to actually visit all the state capitols. We’ve been talking about going on a trip after Wakko’s Wish, and we were planning to leave back in 2001, but that wasn’t the best time for air travel…” Never forget.

“Yeah, I get it, I mean you were locked up in the same place for about 60 of those 70 years.” Bugs added. “Look, once Plotz is gone and we’re finished filming Back In Action I’ll talk to whoever’s next in charge to rebuild the tower and refurnish it so that whenever you come back you’ll have somewhere to stay. Heck, if you want we might be able to put it in Acme Acres, or the new neighborhood me and Cartoon Network are working on.”

Despite the recent tragedy that unfolded, I couldn’t help but smile. “That would be appreciated, but the studio will be fine.” 

“DEAD!” we overhear Dot in the distance followed by screaming from Daffy. 

“I’m sure they're fine,” Bugs said. 

“I do h-h-h-hope she isn’t too harsh on him,” Porky adds. “He’s been having a hard time since C-C-C-Chuck passed.”

Well, that certainly made this frankly already serious conversation even more serious. “Aw man, I almost forgot about that, sorry for your loss,” I tell Bugs and Porky.

“D-d-d-don’t sweat it,” the pig smiled reassuringly. “I guess we all g-g-g-grieve in our own way.”

I turn to Bugs, who remained silent and stared into nothing a bit longer than I’ve known him to be. Everyone knew how much Chuck Jones meant to him, he may have not created him directly, but he was an important part of his life. “You holding up okay Bugs?”

His eyes opened wide and looked back at me. “Yeah, yeah I’m good.” That didn’t sound convincing at all.

“Are you sure? ‘Cause we can stay in town a bit longer-”

“Hey.” He stopped me. “I’m Bugs Bunny, I’ve seen plenty of humans come and go, I get sad, cry a tear at the funeral, and then I’m back to my normal self, plain and simple.”

“Uh, as a psychiatrist, I don’t believe v’at is healthy,” Scratchnsniff argues.

“I’m fine doc! Sure, people find it ‘disturbing’ that I crossdress nowadays (at least that’s what they said in Back in Action) but I got over it too.” That was an even bigger lie and every toon that knew him knew he still loved dresses.

I sigh. “Whatever you say Bunny.”

For those losing someone special in their lives (Also my favorite Beatle) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prYSlvdSgKc

Wakko: Before we left Burbank we left Dr. Scratchnsniff his very own kit-cat-klock. But honestly, that rabbit is a fashion icon. Let him dress how he wants to!

Jamie: How long is gonna go? I don’t want Chiaki to burn out while transcribing this. And what is it with you guys and these clocks?

Wakko: Patience, all in due time, this is the last bit about the past. Back to the 90s one last time.

December 31st, 1999 - Toontown

“5 minutes to midnight everybody, say goodbye to the 90s and say hello to Y2K!” Yakko was the self-appointed host of Toontown’s New Year's Eve block party. Mostly because this served as our retirement party, and everyone from the new Disney Princesses to the Tiny Toon graduates attended.

It had been ten days since Wakko’s Wish was released on home video. So far the reviews and sales have been pretty good, but the mood among much of the cast on the show was a bit somber, knowing that this was the last time all of us would be together. It’s crazy to think that a lot happened in the past 7 years we were freed. But we’re toons, and we’re known to go out with a bang.

The streets were filled with lively dancing and conversations, and most of our cast members were making plans to go to college or open their own business, even Balooney…eugh... he’s gotten a decent gig at a daycare. Everyone looked forward to finding a new purpose, especially Pinky and the Brain, who were ecstatic that their latest spin-off failed.

“I am just happy to be rid of that incessant five-year-old girl version of Elmer Fudd,” Brain bemoaned.

“Was Elmyra Duff that hard to work with?” I asked.

“Well I thought she was fun,” Pinky said. “Granted, I think your movie was a more perfect send-off to our time at the WB.” He wasn’t wrong, this decade may be known more for Disney’s Renaissance, Tom Ruegger helped Warner Bros. make their mark on the TV industry with Tiny Toon Adventures, Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain, and Freakazoid! All under his belt, it really is the end of an era.

“It’s not like we’re going away anytime soon, they’ve been playing a lot of reruns on Cartoon Network.”

“At least until they have enough original content, then our residuals will dry up, but until then, mark my words that with enough sufficient funds, Pinky and I finally will take over the world!”

“You said it Brain, oh wait, maybe we can take a rain check on that.”

Brain eyed Pinky with anger. “What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s just that Phar Fignewton and I are planning to head down to Florida for a little getaway for the new millennium.”

“You’re still seeing the horse that resembles you?” Brain asked puzzled. “Pinky, I already have a plan prepared for tomorrow night, and I demand that you put this ‘phase’ past you.”

Pinky gasped audibly. “How dare you! It is not a phase, our love is real! Nothing, not even you can break it.”

“As it appears, I don’t need to,” Brain leans over and points out to the horse in question, who neighs towards Altivo, the horse from that upcoming movie from DreamWorks about the two Spaniards in El Dorado with the scantly dressed Native woman.

All of a sudden, we hear my older brother and younger sister begin the countdown with all the other toons. “Ten, nine, eight, seven, six!” 

“Pfft, oh please, it’s not like she’s nuzzling him-”

“Five, four, three, two, one!”

And just like that, the two equestrians make nickering sounds to each other.

“Happy new year!” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adwni-Jt8qQ

Clearly, Pinky wasn’t having one. “Oh, I see…”

“Well, now that that’s done with,” And clearly, Brain couldn’t read the room. “Now then Pinky, let’s return to the lab and - Pinky?”

The lab rat in question walked silently away and got lost in the crowd.

“What’s wrong with him?” 

“Hmm, I’m not the biggest expert on romance,” I answered. “But I’m pretty sure he’s upset that he got dumped. Here, give him this as an apology gift” I hand him a Kit-Cat Klock.

Brain paused and thought for a moment, only to sigh heavily and follow his friend to try and make up with him. Or at least I suppose, little did I know at the time that would be the last time I would see them. As for me, I returned to my siblings to ring in the new year.

“Well sibs,” Yakko spoke. “This is a pretty great retirement party if I say so.”

“You said it,” Dot chimed in. “It sure feels like a Warner sendoff party, both for us and the company.”

“You don’t think Plotz is serious about selling the studio to that dial-up internet service do you?,” I asked.

“Bah, it’ll be fine, I think after Time merged with us he’ll be smart enough not to do it again,” Yakko answered. “He may be a greedy selfish businessman, but he’s been in the business this long and knows a bad deal.”

“Eh, like it’ll affect us, I’m just glad they haven’t kicked us out the water tower yet,” Dot added.

“Oh please, like they can get rid of us that easily.”

Yakko: Ok I’ll admit, famous last words.

Wakko: You said it, not me.

Dot: Before we go, why not give a little update on the chaos happening in the present?

August 19th, 2022 - Toontown City Hall

“Lois Lane (Superman) from the Toontown Tattler - Did any members of the government know that they removed the content from HBO Max at midnight last night before they did?”

“April O’Neil (TMNT) with TNN (Toontown Neighborhood Network) - Can you confirm that the reason for the removal of these shows is for tax purposes in the same manner as Batgirl and Scoob: Holiday Haunt?”

“Wagnari (Little Witch Academia) from Toon Weekly - Is your revival show Animaniacs under threat of cancellation as well?”

The questions kept pouring from the Disassociated press this morning, and what made it worse was that I didn’t get a lick of sleep or have an answer for either of them. Just last night me and my ragtag band of Warner properties were spreading the word, binging as many shows as we could while trying time and again to find out when exactly they would remove it. And right then at midnight, in the middle of watching Summer Camp Island, it all went black, the screen I mean.

“Uh, yes, no, wait, trick question,” Wakko tried to get to everyone but was lost in the confusion as well.

“No further questions,” Yakko told the news outlets. “As of right now we’re in talks with Warner Bros. Discovery on how to address this issue, we humbly apologize to the toons and artists affected by this, and we promise to do everything within our power to rectify this matter, thank you.” And like that he escorted me and Wakko back to the mayor’s office, with the rest of the toons waiting.

“In the middle of watching my show…” Susie clenched her fist and smacked the desk. “MY. SHOW.”

“They still have KO as a profile icon, what gives?!” Rad was furious.

“Normally, I would never condone unjustified violence, but this is pushing me to my limits!” Mao Mao loathed. “Mr. Bunny, you are the only one that has a direct connection with these elusive executives, what can we do?”

“I am working on it okay doc!? I haven’t slept in 2 days and my ear has had this phone by its side for so long that I might get radiation poisoning, I’m not Mickey Mouse alright?!”

Porky entered the room as things began to get heated. “Uh, you g-g-g-guys-”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’d rather work with him and Donald at this point,” Susie lamented.

“You’d work that rat and ph-second rate duck?!” Daffy yelled.

“E-e-e-excuse me?”

“Well it’s better there than here dude,” Tulip argued.

The entire room was in a complete state of disarray, not unlike the mounting protests outside of toons that were even more disgruntled than earlier, now that their shows are effectively removed, all except for one.

“HEY!” 

We all stopped bickering and turned to the pig, who caught us all off guard for managing to not stutter for once.

“We have a problem.”

“You don’t ph’say,” Daffy aired out with sarchasm. “I though we were having a nice tea party with crumpets and-”

“The executives are calling us down the st-st-st-studio.”

Bugs stepped forward. “Oh so now they want an audience?”

“Actually, they said that there’s a b-b-b-bit of a hostage situation at one of the sound stages.”

That was… not expected. “What?”

Porky turned to me. “It’s one of our own, I think I met him once, he w-w-w-wore a fanny pack and had a mustache, I re-re-re-remember Peter Browngardt introducing us.”

Bugs stroked his chin trying to remember, and once he did his expression wasn’t one that was pleasant. “Oh lord, it’s Uncle Grandpa.”

Time has left the server: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmZQpbNK7t4

Chapter Text

Jamie: So Bugs, wanna kick us off?

Daffy: Why not start off with me?!

Bugs: Well why don’t we pick up where the kids last left us?

Daffy: I’m right here you know!

Bugs: I remember us heading to the studio lot, and boy did we not expect some stuff to go down.

August 19th, 2022 - Cartoon Network Studios, Sound Stage 2, Burbank, California

“No, no, we won't go! No, no, we won't go!” 

Rad drove us down to Burbank just as the chants of toons outside the main Cartoon Network Studios building began to mount once news broke out about the situation. The Warner Bros. Studio lot hasn’t been accessible with half of Hanna-Barbera blocking entry, with the other half right here outside Sound Stage 2. 

Among the messages plastered on the picket signs were things such as “ No Animation Without Representation ”, or “ I’m Not Your Tax Write Off”, and “ Toons is no Laughing Matter”. One group of black-masked toons I noticed back at Toontown City Hall brought along a guillotine. Heh, reminds me of when Chuck pulled the same stunt during the Disney Animator Strike back in ‘41. And of course, there were signs with pretty unflattering but funny caricatures of David Zaslav being greedy and who didn’t know how to run a company that wasn’t run by trash reality television. One sign, in particular, stuck to me, as it was a photo of Zaslav in sunglasses and a painted-on black hat, next to the menacing quote “ Meet the new Judge Doom ”. 

We all spilled out of the Rad Van like we were coming out of a clown car. While this was a Burbank problem and the local human police force was on the scene, this was also a toon problem, and rather than try and bring out the dip, the Toontown Police Department had taken charge to try and dissolve the crisis peacefully.

“Stand back everyone, this is a delicate situation here,” Bonkers. “Ah, Officer Porky, it’s been too long.”

The pig in question shook the detective’s hand. “It’s a pl-pl-pl-pleasure Officer Bonkers, although I haven’t been in the force for years now. I just wish we met under b-b-b-better circumstances.”

“Likewise, I didn’t know you brought others,” the orange cat glared at the rest of our group, which was made up of an egotistical duck, three siblings of indeterminate species, a black cat with a red cap and sword, a teenage cat witch, a buff blue alien, a tween redhead in a green hoodie who was the only human toon in the group, and yours truly. 

“Well, at least you can recognize a fellow keeper of the peace,” Mao Mao stepped forward. “As the sheriff of Pure Heart Valley, I’m prepared to handle this. So what’s the situation?”

“The human police force already arrived before us. They have vats of Dip prepared if worse comes to worst,” Bonkers points out the cops in question, who were unloading from their police vans oil drums marked with the infamous markings, causing the protestors to act more aggravated. 

Bonkers sighed. “We already brought on a negotiator to the scene. But so far it’s gone nowhere.” We see the negotiator in question, clutching a megaphone and trying to reason with the toon. 

“C’mon Uncle G, I’m sure that we can end this peacefully!” Steven Quartz Universe attempted to reason with the super-powerful reality-warping entity. “I promise you, come out of the building, and we’ll just talk this out.”

Peering at the sound stage entrance, we see the door peek open, but almost everyone didn’t see who was opening it. “Down here, my dudes!” Collectively our eyes stared at the floor and saw Pizza Steve lean out the door. “He’s not coming out!”

Steven lifted the megaphone to his mouth. “Well can he let us know how many people are inside? We should think about their safety.”

“I ain’t talking to another Steve wannabe, and Uncle G ain’t coming out! You can’t make him!”

“But-”

“Attica! Attica!”

The crowd of disgruntled toons cheered on the sentient pizza slice. Huh, who'd thought that Uncle Grandpa would get all this attention only after his show got taken down (all but one episode survived initially.) The crystal gem negotiator slunk back to the officers. “I don’t think he’s ever watched Dog Day Afternoon , anyone got any other ideas before the cops start bringing in the Dip?” Steven pointed to the human police force brandishing the vats of the chemical almost too excited.

This was followed by a bunch of arguing ourselves over handling the situation.

“We should bust right in the front entrance, they can’t stop all of us!” Rad asserted. 

“I believe that I should sneak into the vents and attack from below,” Mao Mao argues.

“Maybe we can wait them out, offer them something in exchange for the hostages,” Tulip ponders. 

“... I can just ‘poof’ ourselves inside with a wave of my wand,” Susie deadpanned. 

“Guys, guys, you’re approaching this the wrong way,” Wakko joined in. “We should create a much more elaborate and over-the-top plan that goes off the rails halfway!”

Almost everyone agreed that wasn’t a good idea, but the one person that was the de facto leader was on board.

“Great idea Wakko,” Dot said. “I say we start off by using Daffy as bait.”

“What?!” the duck was shocked.

Seeing that this was the direction we were going in, I pull out a whiteboard and marker and make our game plan, using us as O’s and the rogue toons as X’s.  “Hmm, well as a fellow animated trickster god myself, I say we catch ‘em by surprise and go along with the nonsense. Yakko, you do what you do best and keep talking to the Italian food in sunglasses. Once you get him out in the open, Rad will use his powers to pull him out in the open.”

“Can do Bugs,” they agreed.

“Meanwhile, Mao Mao and Dot will sneak in from the sewer below and chip their way in from underground.”

“Aw c’mon!” The mayor wasn’t happy. “I thought Daffy was gonna do the dirty work.”

“Speaking of Daffy, you and Porky will be stalling the human cops and making sure that they don’t do anything rash.”

“You can’t b-b-b-be serious!”

“For once I am, look I doubt they’ll use it on you guys, you’re too valuable to the company compared to….” I trail off as the group of mismatched characters eyed at me, making it clear that I should choose my next words carefully.

“Go on,” Susie snarks brandishing her wand. “By the way, you’re locked into this statement, so you better figure it out.”

“... I was gonna say that I acknowledge my privilege as the company mascot, but I do what I can to help out those who need it. Begrudgingly so...” Seriously, how does Mickey deal with all this on the daily?

The witch holsters her stick. “Fair enough, so what do have me do?”

“You and I will sneak in from one of the ventilation openings in the ceiling and get the jump on him. Tulip, I trust that you can guide us through the system?”

“Sure, I guess,” Tulip aired out with a hint of sarcasm. “I just need access to the system and a radio system to contact everyone and keep tabs on everything that goes on, easy-peasy.”

“Ahem.”

She turns to Bonkers and the Toontown Police Department, who offer their equipment and are more than willing to help. I guess our boys in blue really do help and want to reach a peaceful resolution, though Dot made sure that no one on the force wasn’t bearing a pointless Blue Lives Matter flag on the back of their truck or had some stupid Punisher phone case.

Everyone had their orders, and we moved out, ready for things to go awry at some point during the siege. Que a quick montage of everyone getting into position later, and surprisingly enough, everything had gone smoothly for once, and the witch and I were one vent away from getting the drop on them.

I phoned our comms. “Alright we got eyes on him, looks like he’s alone, no sign of the hostages. Everyone in position?”

“ Roll call, are y’all ready for this? ” Tulip messaged everyone.

“ Pizza Steve is right outside on a rant on how he’s cooler than everyone else with Yakko giving his rebuttal, I can grab him all the way from here, ” Rad answered.

“We’ve made it inside the basement and are moving up the stairs,” Mao Mao spoke.

“Porky? Daffy?” I asked for their confirmation, only to hear them in the middle of a song and dance number.

“No, wait, sorry that’s my comm,” Steven answered. 

“ My bad ,” Tulip relayed. “ Though to be fair you did give very expensive police equipment to a twelve-year-old kid. ”

“Yeah, and I’m only 16 and technically a recently licensed therapist, not a hostage negotiator…” the crystal gem snarked back, making it seem like being a licensed therapist at that age was normal. Ah, toon logic.

“Lemme try this again. Porky, Daffy? You copy?”

The sound of a musical number signaled the right line of communication. “Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey! Hello, my ragtime gal! Send me a kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire!- ”

“Seems like they're a good distraction, right then let’s get this over with,” Susie gestures her wand to remove the vent, and we jump out, and I pull out a mallet to make our citizen’s arrest.

“Alright Uncle Grandpa, the jig is up so come peacefully or…” 

I trail off as I see that the ‘mastermind’ behind this whole mess had his foot stuck in a hole in the floor, and was struggling to pull himself out. “Oh, good morning Bugs and Susie, did they finally send more help after all this time?”

What made this situation even more stupid was that he did have someone helping him, someone I nearly forgot about.

“Oh geez, you sure you don’t want an anvil or something to crash near you and make a bigger hole?”

“Wakko?!” I gasped, trying to piece together what was really going on. “What are doing - no scratch that, how did you get in here?!”

“The front door, Pizza Steve let me in.” He replied nonchalantly.

“B-but the plan-”

“This was my plan, I don’t know about yours. You forgot to give me a role didn’t you?” 

“This is too big of an ensemble cast alright? I can’t keep track of everyone!” Not wanting to make this even more awkward, I turned to the so-called hostage keeper. “So what gives?”

“I can’t get out,” Uncle Grandpa demonstrated by trying but failing to lift his foot from the floor. “It’s been stuck there since this morning, which was pretty good until that part. I was in the middle of making my signature burger dog, but then I realized I left my special spatula on the old film set, so I came down and tried to find it, but when I showed up they were taking it down along with the rest of the other sets, so I guess when I walked on the sound stage floor, and it broke.”

“... So there are no hostages ?!” Susie yelled. “You, fanny pack, what gives?”

“It’s Belly Bag to you lady,” the fanny pack retorted. “We tried to get out using one of my gadgets, but I guess we forgot that we brought our kitchen lighter and that kinda freaked everyone out.”

“... A lighter?” I asked skeptically.

“Yep, it was a gift from BoJack Horseman,” Uncle Grandpa pulled out from Belly Bag’s mouth a large revolver that was almost the size of his head.

Susie jumped back a bit. “Woah jeez!” 

“ That’s a lighter?!”

The human toon cocks the hammer back and pulls the trigger, releasing a large amount of fire out the barrel to the point that anyone blinded by the light would assume it to be a flamethrower. Somehow this seemed more dangerous than an actual firearm. 

“Pretty neat, huh? I made some modifications myself, look.” Uncle Grandpa spins the barrel, puts the gun in his mouth, and pulls the trigger, only for a clear refreshing liquid to pour out. “Ah, that’s good Sprite. I wonder why people started freaking out when - Ow!” He shifted his foot frantically. “What in the-”

“Surrender fiend !” Mao Mao commanded under the floorboards.

“ Don’t kill him ! It won’t look good in the papers,” Dot pleaded.

“ And another thing! ” We hear Pizza Steve yelled down the hall towards the entrance. “ Tell Adam DeVine that he still owes me a spot on that Pitch Perfect series - WAAH! Why am I floating in the air!?” Seems like Rad followed through. Oh carrots, he followed through!

“Do not engage!” I radio in comms. “I repeat, abort, abort! We aren’t in Texas, abort!”

“ Everybody do the Michigan Rag! Everybody likes the Michigan-look out! ” Porky and Daffy screamed, and it seemed the crowd did as well. That wasn’t concerning at all…

“... Tulip? Steven?” Susie asked hesitantly.

The two kids answered. “ Brace for impact! ”

And then, BAM! All of a sudden the side of the building burst open, the force from the impact and g debris knocked us back some. As the smoke cleared we saw what had caused the crash and was stuck in the gaping hole in the hall, the UG-2000 model robotic Recreational Vehicle.

“Oh look, the RV!” Uncle Grandpa exclaimed.

Bugs: … yeah that was a weird day.

Jamie: Did it serve any purpose to this story at all?

Bugs: Eh, not really, nice sampler story though.

“I told you not to bring the lighter…” Mr. Gus lamented. 

The scene had (mostly) resolved itself fairly quickly as we all regrouped at the front of the building as the human police began rolling out. Since there weren’t any hostages and the lighter wasn’t considered a weapon (not by usual human standards), most charges were dropped. The only caveat was that Pizza Steve was sentenced to community service due to misleading officers and wasting police services, but at least the cops put away the Dip, hopefully not planning to use it anytime soon. Many of the protestors moved on to the Warner Bros. Studio Lot to join the other demonstrations. 

As for why the RV crashed into the sound stage, apparently, Giant Realistic Flying Tiger heard about the situation and attempted to rescue Uncle Grandpa, and while she did know how to start the car, she never quite learned how to parallel park. 

“Well, looks like we all learned a valuable lesson,” Uncle Grandpa said. “GRFT, we’re heading to the DMV.” 

Giant Realistic Flying Tiger growls in agreement. 

“No, I’m pretty sure there was nothing to be learned here except for the fact that you lead all of us on this wild goose chase,” I groaned. “I swear, I already have to deal with this lousy merger and Zaslav lurking around who knows where-”

“He’s in New York,” Mr. Gus added.

“I - he’s what ?!” That wasn’t something I knew about. “Backtrack a sec, how do you know?”

“We just came back from the RV this morning,” Pizza Steve added, currently in handcuffs for attempting to escape. “I wanted to check out the $1 pizza slice places before they were getting bumped up to $1.50. Darn inflation. Plus I wanted to go into the new corporate offices to get them to try and get me a spin-off, I’m thinking of calling it Steve: the Man, the Myth, the Slice . It’s a working title.”

“So he’s hiding out on the other side of the county this whole time?!” Daffy griped. 

“Yeah, apparently his office here in Burbank was trashed, and he didn’t bother moving in.”

While most of the group was grumbling amongst themselves over the current logistics of trying to confront our new CEO, I noticed the three Warner Siblings stepping back and whistling to themselves as if they had nothing to do with his office being destroyed, implying that they most definitely did. However, the oldest took charge of the conversation. “Alright, well I think we all know what to do next right?” Yakko threw it out there.

Uncle Grandpa pointed to Dot with his special spatula. “Finish my burger dogs?”

“No!”  “Yes!” Wakko answered around the same time as Yakko.

The young (old) mayor sighed. “Later alright Wakko? As Mayor of Toontown me and my brothers commandeering your RV. How soon can you get us to New York?”

“Depends, could be two weeks, two milliseconds, depends on how she’s feeling,” Uncle Grandpa elaborated as he patted the exterior of the magical vehicle.

“We can work with that,” Yakko said. “Porky, Daffy, Bugs, you’re coming with us to New York and-” The sound of the tow truck behind us attempting to yank the RV out of the building. “And meeting with our new boss, once our mode of transportation is fixed.”

“You g-g-g-got it Yakko.”

“I’d like to give this Zas-ph-lav a piece of my mind…”

“I’m with you doc, but what about the city?”

Dot sighed. “Right, almost forgot.” She turned to the rest of the toons who were victims of this purge. “The rest of you are in charge of keeping the place from burning down until we get back. No pressure.” She ended with a cheeky grin.

“Um, yes, the pressure is on !” Tulip argued. “You want us to run things while you go and leave to meet this guy? Who's to say that you won’t make things worse-“ DING!

Tulip was interrupted by the sound of her phone going off, along with multiple others. Knowing full well what happened last time this happened, naturally, everyone hesitated to look. But Tulip bit the bullet and checked to see what happened. Her eyes widening in distress made it clear it wasn’t good news.

“They just removed the pilot, the promos, even the soundtrack!” She cried out. “Everything even mentioning Infinity Train is gone from YouTube.”

Mao Mao‘s face seemed a weird mixture of anger and tiredness. “Seems like the same for me too…”

Rad, who also received equally bad news, angrily chucked his phone at his van, only to instantly regret his decision and ran to try and salvage it.

Susie took a deep breath and seemed like she was ready to scream, then struggling, only to not at all. “Ugh! If I wasn’t drawn for kids the amount of curse words I would say right now is enough to get me canceled. Oh wait, I already am! ”

“They’ve gone full scorched earth,” Tulip murmured. “It's the same thing that happened with Megas XLR, Beware the Batman and Sym-Bionic Titan , they don’t even acknowledge they exist!” She spat that last a bit out. “You guys go to New York and bust down his door if you have to.” Which resulted in a round of agreement among the disenfranchised toons.

Anyone who does know those shows knows they got canceled, but may not know that they can’t bring them back. Once they’ve become a tax-write off, they’re deemed a failure and legally can’t have any official acknowledgment. It’s one of the worst fates a toon could have. Sure, Bats hasn’t been out of work in forever, but any original toons like the two Cartoon Network mecha shows didn’t stand a chance. They can’t go work for any other networks or studios, they’re automatically blacklisted and forced to settle with community theater at best. 

“Hopefully it won’t come to that,” I assured her, trying to act like it’ll be alright, even if it might not. “Look, Batsy will help us out, he should be already in New York filming some video game or photoshoot for a comic, he’s always busy. He and I are Warner Bros.'s most valuable IPs, there’s no way the cogs would turn us down.”

Bugs: Little did I know that they would turn us down.

Porky: To be fair, I kinda ex-ex-ex-expected this.

Jamie: How so?

Porky: I guess I first n-n-n-noticed after the kids’ show ended.

Jamie: Hold on a sec, for your inner monologue, are gonna be stuttering as well as is it just a speech thing? Just asking ahead of time, so Chiaki won’t have to type as much.

Porky: What do you mean st-st-st-stuttering?

Well, I don’t know what they’re talking about, but what I do know is that when it comes down to it, all of our problems started off somewhere, and as much as we say we loved the 90s, it wasn’t easy.

Back in the 90s, I was in a famous tv show: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIxFiNCtHVc  

November 14, 1998 - Warner Bros. Water Tower, Animaniacs Wrap Party 

“Where the heck is Bugs?” Lola groaned. “I swear if he doesn’t bother with putting up appearances then what’s the point of showing up?”

“S-s-s-supporting our friends after their show ended?” I remarked, picking up a cup from the snack table ready to get some punch.

“Ugh, only for every guy here to ogle at me?”

“Join the club,” we heard Hello Nurse and Minerva Mink grumbled behind us near the punch bowl.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a top-heavy blonde man wearing sunglasses glide over to shoot his shot at the women. “Well hey there hot mamas, couldn’t help but overhear about this club y’all are having, I was wonderin’ if you were open to new members,” He pointed himself out. “I happen to be more than free to get down and -”

Before the Elvis impersonator could finish his pick-up line, Minerva socked him in the kisser, and he landed face first in the punch bowl. Welp, so much for drinking…

It wasn’t exactly a wrap party, at least not a traditional one. We were honoring the final episode of Animaniacs that was airing tonight, but technically they were still working on Wakko’s Wish. They were hoping to release it theatrically, but the studio didn’t want to bother with marketing. To be fair to Plotz, the Feature Animation division hasn’t had a solid hit since Space Jam , and they’re more cautious now. But who knows? Cats Don’t Dance and Quest for Camelot may have been box office bombs, but hopefully, this new project about the giant iron robot will bring in sales if they just market it right (despite not really doing that with the last two entries, gosh marketing has too much power).

The party's mood was the same as most retirement parties, bittersweet, especially since both Animaniacs , and its spinoff Pinky and the Brain were coming to an end. We celebrate the opportunity to work in this industry and create something, but it’s the end, and most people didn’t get a real answer as to why, only rumors circulated.

“I swear, we had it better on Fox Kids rather than the Kid’s WB programming block, the company’s own network for crying out loud” Katie Kaboom angrily said, but thankfully chugged a drink that calmed her down before turning too red and exploding (hopefully it wasn’t spiked.)

“You’d think they’d want to order more episodes since we were more popular, but apparently the network didn’t like it that a lot of the audience demographic were adults,” Flavio the Hip Hippo discussed with his wife.

“I heard from Ruegger that Warner Bros. is going to focus less on original productions and more on anime licensing since this new Pokémon shtick you like so much is getting pretty big,” Slappy Squirrel complained to Skippy.

“Well he has that new show Histeria !, so he’ll be still around,” her nephew said optimistically. 

“I’m telling ya Runt, it's all about the money to these people. The cost to make a new Broadway-esque song sung by Bernadette Peters for a short was probably too much to bank on, and I’m pretty sure they just wanted to focus on the other characters. Pfft, typically of humans, even the toon ones,” Rita lamented.

“I told that fool Plotz that our spinoff shouldn’t attempt to compete in the Prime-time slot and let the executives interfere with the production. I just hope that Elmyra won’t be completely insufferable,” Brain groaned to Pinky.

I wasn’t really that familiar with the situation, that was more in Bugs’s department, the only issue was trying to find him amongst the crowd of toons that were crammed into the water tower. It wasn’t just WB toons either, some of the new faces of Cartoon Network showed up. 

Dexter, currently the network’s biggest star, was off in a corner talking to these three girls with superpowers, and word was that he was their toon mentor. All I know about them was that the little mad scientist knew Brain fairly well and collab on independent projects around Toontown, and the little girl's new show was set to premiere in a few days, I remember the pilot was named Whoopass Stew! Although I’m pretty certain that Craig McCracken changed the name. And as for Elvis (Who apparently was called Johnny and has his own show) apparently he didn’t know when to give up and moved on to try and woo Jessica Rabbit, who respectfully showed him her backhand, which also showed off her wedding ring.

Heck, even some of the Disney and Nickelodeon toons showed up, with Helga Pataki being held back by Arnold, the former of which was ready to throw hands at Hercules over a stray comment about the football headed kid. Ok, granted it was a little awkward due to the heated company rivalry that developed in the past few years, us toons knew that we were all in the same boat when it came to being at the mercy of the cogs. 

All of these toons attended, and yet we couldn’t find arguably the most popular out of all of them. Then again, that raised another question, where was Daffy? Oh no, they better not be doing what I think- “Hi! Whatcha doin?”

Lola and I turned behind us to see a young girl behind us with her pet dog. Lola answered her first. “Looking for Bugs.”

“Why?” Mindy asked. 

“Because he’s my… boyfriend,” Lola hesitated at that last remark.

“Why?”

“Because I like - enjoy his company,” Here’s hoping the toddler wouldn’t notice the facade.

“Why?”

Lola sighed and smiled sadly. “Well kid, the studio wanted a fresh new female face for Space Jam, so they drew me to be his love interest.”

“Why?”

“Because Bugs and Penelope Pussycat broke up at the last minute, and apparently my original design as Honey Bunny was dated, and they didn’t want someone who ‘looked like Bugs in drag’ I air quote.

“Why?”

“Because except for Penelope, Granny, and Witch Hazel, there aren’t a lot of female Looney Tunes that are featured that much or who are headliners. Plus Melissa Duck was only in some comics.”

“Ahem,” I butted in. “You forgot to mention my P-P-P-Petunia, but they clearly didn’t bother even contacting her for a role…” I lamented.  

“Why?”

“Be-be-be-because they wanted someone more ‘appealing’ to audiences (even though Petunia is a two-time Toontown Beauty Pageant winner).”

“Why?”

“Because the cogs knew that guys would be attracted to me and my appearance would help make Bugs seem 100% straight,” Lola groaned. 

“Why?”

“Because of the AIDS crisis and movies like Psycho, Silence of the Lambs , and Ace Ventura: Pet Detective where the bad guy is either a cross-dresser or transsexual, people are scared of any male that doesn’t air out a bunch of machismo or dress up ‘like a man’ and wish they conform to stupid gender norms while getting people like me, very feminine eye-candy, to play their romantic interest, happy with that answer!?” 

Mindy just stood there, eyes wide open, taken aback at Lola’s rant.

“Okay, I love you buh-bye!” And she leaves with a smile on her face as Buttons chases her down.

We remained at the same spot for a moment in uncomfortable silence until I decided to break the ice. “To be f-f-f-fair, both the book and film try to make it clear that Bu-Bu-Bu-Buffalo Bill wasn’t a ‘real transsexual’ and that the community isn’t violent at all. And I love J-J-J-Jim Carrey that but that film was not his best role…”

“Yeah I’m more of a fan of The Mask , but I think The Truman Show might be my new favorite after watching it this summer, Carrey is basically a human toon,” Lola sighed. “Speaking of Petunia, how is she?”

“Oh you know, b-b-b-busy as usual. She tried to make it, but she was called into a last-minute c-c-c-councilman meeting, you know how it goes.” 

We remained quiet a bit I sensed that she was trying to avoid the elephant in the room. Granted, most of the room had moved out of the way when Mr. Snuffleupagus barged in, but we should discuss the topic now.

“You w-w-w-wanna talk about it?”

“ No…yes… ” she muttered. “Porky, you’re the oldest guy here, what do you think about Bugs and Daffy being, well you know…?”

“Well for starters. I think you mean ‘the most ex-ex-ex-experienced.” I clarified. “But I guess I was more surprised it finally happened after all this time rather than it having hap-hap-hap-happened in the first place, not to mention how long it’s been going.”

“What happened with those two?”

We turned around to see our little eavesdropper, along with her two brothers, the three of whom were the hosts of this get-together in the first place.

“O-oh, nothing you need to worry about Dot,” Lola blurted out.

“Well we weren’t worried before but now that you mention it, what gives?” Yakko ponders. “They’re not dying, are they? Last I checked that’s not something we experience.”

“I don’t think so, I saw them head up to the attic earlier,” Wakko adds.

Lola’s eyes open wide. “They’re up in the attic? Hold up, you guys have an attic?”

“Yup, it’s this way,” we follow the siblings through the crowd of party goers and reach the end of the tower. “It’s right up there.” The middle child pointed high up to the small hatch in the ceiling.

In order to reach the hatch, Yakko lifts Wakko onto his shoulders, followed by Wakko lifting Dot into a very precarious toon-made tower leaning back and forth. Thankfully the youngest of the trio grabbed the rope and pulled down the panel, followed by a ladder that led up into the dark opening. 

“Going up?” Yakko gestured, and we climbed up. 

Once inside the attic we were greeted by the near pitch blackness and the silhouettes of old movie props from the silent and pre-code film eras, included a mannequin dressed in the classic Chaplin Tramp outfit and extra models of prehistoric creatures from King Kong that didn’t wind up in the final cut, thus not being brought to life with pygment. Aside from the apparent museum of Hollywood collectibles tucked in the attic of a water tower, the only other thing cramping the space were leaning towers of boxes filled with dusty film reels.

“Don’t tell Plotzy, but the second the show got the pink slip we raided the Warner Bros. Vault and took back all the shorts we made back in the 30s.”

“Wow, I h-h-h-hadn’t seen some of these in a while,” I pulled out one of the film reels that I saw before Jack Warner and Thaddeus Plotz locked away all those years ago. “Hey look!” As everyone was already searching for the duck and rabbit, I noticed in the far back of the attic was a glow of light. We crept on the source and stumbled upon a large coffin that had some sort of light emanating from inside.

“Dare I ask?” Lola asked hesitantly.

“Huh, I think we used that in a short with Bela Lugosi, that guy was a riot sometimes,” Dot mentioned as she glided towards the coffin. “Let’s see what’s inside!”

“No wait, Dot, you really shouldn’t-” Lola tried to stop her, but she was already prying open the wooden box

“Oh please, it’s not like Dracula’s gonna come out and take a bite outta me-”

 She immediately pauses as the coffin opens, and inside we see just a small incandescent light bulb illuminating the space. And what we see inside the cramp coffin was far more terrifying to Yakko, Wakko, and Dot than a bloodthirsty vampire, for inside were two iconic toons engaging in a very inappropriate act that was not meant for children’s eyes to bear witness.

“ Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Bake me a cake as fast as you- ” Bugs and Daffy promptly stop clapping their hands as they slowly turn to the mortified faces of the Warner Siblings and the relatively unfazed Lola and myself.

“AAAAHHHH!” Like any child who whose innocent is broken in an instance, the kids screamed. 

“…AAAAHHHH!” For a solid ten minutes.

“…AAAAHHHH!” To be fair I feel like that’s how every kid reacts to seeing one of their parental figures caught in the act. 

“aaaaahhh…” Thankfully their vocal cords gave out, and they had to take a breather.

“What… the heck… was that…?” Yakko breathed out.

“Oh, you can’t be serious…” Bugs sighed. “The amount of innuendo’s that you have in your show and ‘this’ freaks you guys out?” He gestured to his current situation. “You guys have your own buxom blonde eye-candy years before Lola was drawn, and you had Bill Clinton playing the sax in your theme song.”

“Hey, there’s a difference between rubbernecking and doing lewd acts in our attic!” Dot argued. 

“And it’s not our fault the president was caught with his pants down, figuratively and literally speaking…” Wakko trailed off and shivered at the thought of that perv.

“Well blame him!” Daffy accused Bugs. “He didn’t feel like waiting any longer.”

“I told you Daff I’m sorry about last time alright?” Bugs insisted.

Daffy wasn’t really having it. “Hmm, you’re lucky Melissa was busy lately with her side business and I didn’t have anything better to do…”

Bugs cleared his throat and turned to the Warners.. “Well, I guess you kids should have ‘the talk’. When a man and woman love each other very much-”

“Hold up rabbit, who's the woman between us-ph?”

“Clearly not me tonight…” Lola mutters to herself, but not quiet enough for the Warners not to notice.

“You… you knew ?!” Yakko was surprised, I guess most would be naturally.

Lola sighed. “Look kids, when you’re adults, relationships get… complicated.”

“We’re toons! We don’t even age unless we get an age change!” Wakko yelled, still shaken by the current revelations. “Wait, are you even adults?”

“I… huh, that’s a g-g-g-good question,” I wondered.

Bugs threw his hat in the ring. “Eh, I always put us under ‘indeterminate age but definitely adult’.”

“Hey, don’t rope me into the geezer crowd, as far as you or anyone else knows, I’m in my golden 20s forever,” Daffy gripes.

“Well, clearly that shows the mature one in the relationship.”

“ Relationship ?!” The three sibs yelled.

“Hey, hey, hey, not so loud,” Bugs shushed them up. “I don’t know how soundproof this attic is and the last thing we need is this getting out.”

That seemed to make the kids quieter than before, and they soon huddle into a group and discuss among themselves. All we can make out from them were the phrases ‘ I called it ’ and ‘ So much for my youthful innocence’ . Eventually, Yakko spoke for the siblings.

“Alright Bugs, you have our word, but we gotta know, how long has this been going on?”

“Well doc, it’s a kind of a long story-”

Daffy : *Yanks the mic.* Oh no, you’re not gonna ph-segue to ‘ long ears ’ here! I’m telling the story now.

Bugs: Fair enough, Porky you wanna take the mic?

Daffy: Hey!

Porky: Oh, well s-s-s-sure.

1997 - Acme Looniversity, Acme Acres, Toontown

“Now then, I’m g-g-g-going to ask you to please sit back down and pay attention!” I pleaded to the trio of Warner siblings.

“Ok, but if we’re paying for anything, we gotta know this ain’t a scam,” Yakko snarked, gesturing to the Kit-Cat-Clock on the wall that he gave me as a Christmas gift. “Time is money, and we can’t go around wasting it on something that’s a bad investment.”

“Yeah, you can’t buy us out with some cheap mind tricks!” Wakko stood by his brother’s statement.

“Mind tricks?” I raised an eyebrow and looked back at the chalkboard. “This class is Props and Physical C-c-c-Comedy!” 

Dot raised her hand excitedly. “Oooh oooh oooh, can I do a demonstration?”

“Wait, d-d-d-don’t-”

Unfortunately I was too late, as the youngest Warner pulled out her oversized wooden mallet and brought it down on her oldest sibling, however, Yakko was quick enough to step back and let her miss. But the mallet head struck the floor so hard that a piece of the floorboard acted as a see-saw, launching Yakko not down into the ground but up into the ceiling.

“Do I get a gold star yet?” She smiled.

I sigh heavily. “Oh, how Miss Flamiel and Dr. Scratchnsniff d-d-d-dealt with you three I haven’t a clue.”

Thankfully, the bell rang in time for lunch. If that wasn’t an indication, Hamton J. Pig and Plucky Duck appeared at the doorway. 

“Hey geezers, wanna head down to the lunchroom?” Plucky asked. “I heard it’s French Bread Pizza day and I wanna get some before Stimpy and Dizzy Devil clears out again.

Wakko gasped audibly, having the most personal stake at hand.“I refuse to let that Spumco cat take my glory!” He leaps out of his desk, with his brother and sister following behind. Just as I was about to take my lunch break, Hamton stopped me in my tracks. 

“Uh, Mr. Pig? Can I ask you something?”

I smiled, still wondering how the little guy still looks up to me. “Please Hamton, you already g-g-g-graduated, you can call me Porky. I still can’t figure out why you’re st-st-st-still around.”

“It’s mostly cause Plucky got held back, again,” he sighed. “Plus Buster and Babs are doing their teacher-aide program here while Principal Bunny is gone. Everyone is busy doing their own thing and the only other time we all meet up together is when we have another video game to work on.” 

I patted him on the shoulder. “It’s better than nothing, t-t-t-trust me. And hey, Toontown has plenty of gigs for actors who’ve had their shows ended, look up the local theater group, they even have this new thing called improv.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. I just wish we kinda stayed at Acme Loo a little longer. I guess what I wanted to ask was how you still keep in touch with all your friends, even though most of them left too…” He looked down

That wasn’t a question with an easy answer, I sometimes pondered myself about that too. “It’s not that they left me, at least I d-d-d-don’t think about it like that. We all still get together and do our usual r-r-r-routine of trying to kill each other with TNT, both on and off-screen. I guess after kn-kn-kn-knowing one another for decades, we sorta all got into a usual routine.”

“So even when you aren’t together you’re still there for each other?” Hamton came to his own conclusion.

I smiled. “Sure kid.” I kneeled down to his level. “Can I tell you a s-s-s-secret?”

He nodded quickly.

I whisper into his ear. “There are times when some of my friends haven’t t-t-t-talked to each other for years. Most of the time it’s b-b-b-because of a really bad argument. But even when it m-m-m-may seem like forever, I know that it won’t take long for them to get back together a-a-a-again.”

Hamton smiled back. “Wow, thanks Mr- I mean Porky, he-he.”

He waved goodbye as he went to catch up with his friends. 

“Aww, well wasn’t that just sweet?”

I turned around to see my lunch date. “Aw jeez,” I blushed. “How much did you h-h-h-hear?”

Petunia grinned. “Enough, you seemed to enjoy talking to that kid.”

I shrugged. “So? I l-l-l-like kids, they’re fun to entertain.”

“So… you’ve never thought of having a little piglet ourselves?” She winked.

“I-I-I-I! Y-y-y-you shouldn’t! I m-m-m-mean!” 

Petunia giggled heavily. “Aw, you’re so cute to tease Porks, don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to the idea, but you’re already busy enough between teaching and getting roles at the studio.”

“And you’re b-b-b-busy as councilwoman of Acme Acres,” I pointed out. “Although, maybe we could convince the st-st-st-studio to let us have a kid.”

“Ugh, why do we have to go to them for every major step in our relationship?” She grumbled.

“They are the r-r-r-reason we’re together-” I stopped in my tracks to see Petunia had grabbed my hand. 

“Sure, they drew us, but we choose to love each other,” She smiled at me sweetly. “Regardless of whether we’ll get a family of our own, we’ll still have each other at least, and I’m content with that for now.”

“Oh P-p-p-Petunia…” I leaned in closer, and we simply stare at each other, admiring the other as our snouts met-

Daffy: *Yanks the mic away* Nope.

Porky: Hey! I wasn’t f-f-f-finished.

Daffy : Ugh, Porks, please don’t finish, for the audience’s ph-sake and mine. Also, I’m taking the mic and no one is gonna interrupt-

Bugs: Alright Doc, have your spotlight, sheesh, clearly you’re compensating for something, I would know. *Smirks*.

Daffy: Bah! Jokes on you, I don’t have anything that needs compen-ph-sation. Anyway, where were we?

And they say that cartoons can’t rap (granted this was written by Jay-Z before he got big): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7liEIAtLt4  

November 10th, 1996 - Space Jam Premiere, Hollywood

Our limo trails behind a parade of similar vehicles and luxury sports cars waiting to get to our destination. Ah, the red carpet… a place where the stars mingle as the frenzy of photographers and reporters flock to the next big name in Hollywood, and fans clamor behind the metal barriers. It was all leading up to this, all those years of toiling away at just being syndicated on Nickelodeon, our faces plastered on random merchandise, and being the mascots for Six Flags, we were back making movies. It was just a month ago that the company bought Turner Broadcasting, and now we had that new Cartoon Network under our belt. 

It’s just a matter of time until we come up on top again, that’ll show that second-rate duck at the ‘House of Mouse’ who’s the better duck, plus my chances at getting my own show will definitely pay off after this movie. Heck, even Roger Ebert gave us 4 stars, and sure, maybe he’s a bit biased because he’s from Chicago and a massive Bulls fan, but who isn’t now that they’re associated with us? With me?! Granted I don’t remember why exactly we were filming about basketball or why everyone likes this Jordan guy, but as long as they understand the real star of the picture, then who cares?

“The entire world cares about him, he’s called ‘ His Royal Airness ’ for a reason,” The rabbit somehow read my mind, why am I not surprised? “Seriously you worked with the guy for months, and you don’t remember his name?”

“Pfft, ph-so what if he’s won 5 championships with the Chicago Bulls?”

“ 6 actually,” Lola piped up. “He won again earlier this year.”

The new girl to the team sat at the far side of the limo whereas me and long ears sat together in the back. I don’t understand what Bugs meant by the seating arrangement being awkward.

“Of course, you don’t see it being awkward, you have very little awareness about social situations that don’t revolve around you. By the way, I’ve known you for years as Honey Bunny, I’m hardly the ‘new girl’ ,” Lola snapped back. Wait, she can read minds too?!

“We’re not reading your mind, you’re talking right now…” Bugs sighed. 

“I looked down to ph-see my beak move just as my thoughts are … oh.”

The two bunnies groaned. “Stop narrating our dialogue!” They both snapped at me. “QUIT IT!”

“Well, how else are we supposed to pass the time until the MVP moves out of the way?!”

Lola pulled on her ears. “Well, next time don’t sneak inside me and Bugs’s limo, especially with all those cameras outside, you have any idea how this is gonna look?”

Bugs chugged down his martini glass of carrot juice. “Eh, I wouldn’t worry too much, this is Daffy we’re talking about, sneaking into stuff he’s not supposed to is one of his traits, I doubt anyone would assume anything.”

“Still, we should exit first and Daffy can sneak out a few seconds later.”

“Aw c’mon!” I’m shocked, to think that they want to cast me aside during my moment! My time to shine!

Bugs groaned. “You realize this isn’t movie isn’t just about you?”

“Ph-Says you, we’ll let the audience be the judge of that.” Eventually, the limo reached our destination, and we saw the red carpet through the tinted passenger door window. Just as I was about to open the door, a gloved hand grabbed my wing from reaching the handle, and it was a hand I didn’t expect would try and stop me.

“Daffy, maybe we should call it a break for now,” Bugs insisted

“What? Look, the carpet’s right there, how about you and Blondie there stay back while I entertain the mas-ph-ses-”

“Daffy, please…” I could tell from the way his whiskers droop that he wasn’t just talking about the red carpet. “I’m not saying that we can meet up now and then, but right now, especially in public, let’s just cool it a bit?”

I turn my head back and forth between the two rabbits, Lola also seemed to share the same feeling. “Oh, I get it. Just because you have someone else now, you wanna move on. That fast too, huh? Last time we broke up, at least we had a few years before we met up, and now you wanna do it again?!”

“Daffy, I-”

Thankfully the sound of cars honking behind us to move along interrupted whatever sad attempt at a comeback Bugs was about to make.

“Ugh, of course,” Lola went up to the sunroof and told off everyone in the back. “WE NEED A MINUTE ALRIGHT?” That seemed to shut everyone’s cars up as she came back down and stared us down. “Listen to me, the both of you. For the cameras, act civil, but once we get home we need to have a talk.”

“ Fine by me,” Bugs relented.

“Pfft, you guys can talk, him especially. That’s all he ever does aside from munching on a carrot and everyone loves him. I, for one, live the nightlife,” I said snidely as I reached the door handle and gave Lola one last look. “You know? Maybe Chuck was right that no one will remember you.”

My words seemed to shut her up as Lola was taken aback, only for Bugs to come to her aid. 

“That was a low blow even by your standards Daff…”

I raised my eyebrow. “You disagree with him then?”

“Look I respect the man, but he wasn’t right all the time…” Bugs trailed off.

“I’m just saying, she may got the looks, but she ain’t that funny.” And with that, I leave the car first with little to no resistance from the hares this time. I stroll down the red carpet, as I wasn’t gonna let them ruin my night! I glide down the aisle of paparazzi awaiting their burgeoning questions about what it’s like to be Daffy Duck.

“Hey, Daffy! What’s with you coming out of Bugs and Lola’s limo?”

Eugh, of course they’d ask about them first. “Well clearly that limo was meant for the star of the film, and that’s yours truly. If anything, they stowed away on my ride!”

Bugs: Jeez, talk about being self-minded to the extreme.

Daffy: Look, I apologized once, I  apologized a thousand times to Lola alright?

Bugs: You shouldn’t have said it to begin with.

Daffy : But hey, I was right that Lola needed to be funnier, and in The Looney Tunes Show she proved it.

Bugs: Yeah, though I wish they hadn’t written her to be a total dumb blonde, at least the original had some intelligence. And plenty of sass too.

To be continued...

Chapter Text

Bugs: What's my line again?

How was this not on the ‘Space Jam’ soundtrack?! (Maybe Shaq and Michael had beef back then?): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1f9IgOjZjn4  

May 26th, 1995 - Warner Bros. Feature Animation Studio

“So, how do you feel Hon- I mean, Lola?” I asked but backtracked. “Well, they can call you Lola on set but what do you feel alright with doll?”

Standing before me was an old soul with a new face. That’s what happens with redesigns, it ain’t exactly new to toons who’ve been in the business as long as I have. Heck, I’ve been through plenty of redesigns even back in the old days whenever I worked with Clampett or Jones. After months of drafts and sketches, the animators finalized on their ‘new’ character for Space Jam .

“Ugh, for starters don’t call me doll , feels weird…” Honey Bunny asked, now redesigned to be Lola Bunny. “And Lola’s fine, might as well get used to it, along with everything else.” She seemed to be more entranced by her new body than some of the male artists and other Looney Tunes, granted I wasn’t immune when I first saw her, and it took a good 10 minutes for me to snap out of it. “I’m still confused, I can understand the hairstyle and face, but is the body a bit more…”

“Curvaceous, voluptuous, bodacious, sultry -”

“I get it Bugs!” Lola crossed her arms and shyly turned away, darn she looks somehow cuter like that.

“....also full-figured, there I’m done,” Had to sneak one more in. “I gotta say, if the animator’s jobs were to make you stand out as the ‘girl’ Looney Tune, they did a swell job.”

Lola rolled her eyes. “ Har-Har . But seriously, how is it that Mcdonald’s of all things have a say in my final design?”

“Eh, they already made a prototype for their happy meals toys for when the picture rolls out, and they didn’t want you to look like a teenager whose love interest is me so-” 

“So they want me curvier to sell more merchandise tie-ins?” 

“... Well it’s not a bad thing” I gestured my eyebrows suavely. 

“Pfft, don’t do that…” I see a tint of red on her cheeks. 

“Aw, there’s the Honey I remember,” I teased her more. “You could never resist this back in the 60s.”

Lola chuckled a bit. “Well it’s not like I had much to do, I only starred in 4 animated shorts and much of my career was in comics, you kept yourself busy with being Mayor in the 70s.”

Man, that was a throwback. “Eh, what can I say? Despite Chuck thinking that I ain't a team player, I wanted to be a man of the people.”

“More like you just wanted to show up Daffy again.”

“Oh please, that was just a little bonus. And as a rabbit who knows a thing or two about good-looking women (that being that I slay in every dress and wig I wear), I can confidently say that you’ll knock everyone’s socks off more than Jessica Rabbit. Plus, at least they aren’t rendering you with that newfangled 3D schtick.”

The both of us shivered at the idea. “You’re telling me, those toy toons from that new studio Pixar are really nice, but man do they give me the creeps .” She takes one more look at herself before she heads out the door. “Are you sure? My design is basically Babs Bunny if she was blonde and legal.”

Well, she ain't completely off. “Eh, I’m sure it’ll be fine, besides I doubt anyone will see it as anything other than a homage.”

“Speaking of Babs, how is she and Buster?”

“You know those two, too young and too screwy for their own good. Although they’ve been a bit down lately now that the final special’s gonna come out in a few days on Fox Kids.”

Lola sighed. “It was fun while it lasted, although I don’t understand why they’re making a Halloween special for May.”

That was lost on me as well. Chances are they planned the special before they got the news they were cancelled. At least they get one last hurrah before the curtain comes down.

“Well, I can say that once Buster and Babs graduate, they can be ideal candidates for the Looniversity Teacher Aide Program.”

“Aw, that’s sweet. I heard that the Warner Brothers and Sister have been quite a handful at Acme Loo.”

I sighed at the thought of those three running around Acme Looniversity. Granted I sent them there in the first place to handle their zaniness (also because I had to leave my teaching position for the time being just to work on this Space Jam joint, so it ain’t bothering me any.)

“Well, here’s hoping the campus is still standing when I go back,” I say. “The Warners are already stars, they just gotta learn how to be lest cost-effective when it comes to property damage. We should head down to the sound stage though, gotta start filming before Jordan starts to have second thoughts and decides to leave to play baseball again, or go pro golf.”

Lola scoffed. “Oh please, you just wanna see me in my gym shorts don’t you?”

“Can’t a rabbit admire one of his own species?” I smirk.

“Hmm, I don’t know,” she aired out sarcastically. “Maybe when you’re done admiring ducktails ?”

I raise an eyebrow. “Hey, it may be made by Disney, but it’s a great show, and Scrooge and I go way back-”

“You know I’m not talking about the show,” Lola smirks. “I meant Daffy.”

“I don't- I mean-You…” huh, she managed to shut me up for once. Is this what it’s like to blush?

She giggles a bit. “Relax, I knew what I was getting myself into, just know that I don’t expect to be exclusive or anything off-camera. Just give me a heads-up ok?” She held out her hand.

“Ok, let's shake on it then.” I clear my throat. “By the way, is it too late to mention Penelope Pussycat?”

Lola’s new and improved eyes opened wide. “ You and Penny?! ”

“It was a one-night stand, and we were both tired from filming Carrotblanca, besides she was mostly smooching Sylvester while trying to avoid getting smooched by Pepe Le Pew.”

“ Ugh , don’t remind me of that guy, I can only imagine what he’s gonna think when-”

“ Sacré bleu !”

Lola sighed. “When he sees me.”

Right on time, the French skunk in question zipped passed the room of light boxes and in-betweeners and colorists to intensely gaze at Lola. “ Mon Cherie , were the moment not so soon and the timing misérable , I would treat you as a lady should be treated by Le grand monsieur …”

“ Ahem !” I clear my throat to snap some sense into the wannabe womanizer. “First off, she’s taken at the moment,” I point my thumb at myself. “Second, she ain’t interested-”

Pepe laughs in French. “ Hon-hon-hon , why not the lady be the judge of that?”

“I’m not interested,” Lola kindly shoved the skunk as far away as possible.

“And third, why is the timing wrong?”

“Oh Monsieur Bunny,” The usually raunchy toon’s face turned somber. “I’m afraid to bear the sad news that filming has been postponed due to the unfortunate passing of Isadore Freleng.”

“Isadore?” Lola asked confused at first, only to remember the last name. “Wait, Freleng… ?”

I knew the type of face I was making, I just wish it wasn’t one so often nowadays when one of the old boys was gone. “ Oh, Friz…”

Porky: That was a hard one for a lot of us. I knew F-F-F-Friz F-F-F-Freleng the longest, a lot of who I am is because of him, but nothing lasts forever. Even things that just get started.

Daffy: You’re telling me, I didn’t think Tiny Toon would end but all of a sudden these geezers pop out of the water tower and take everything by storm. 

September 13th, 1993 - Animaniacs Launch Party, Warner Bros. Water Tower

“I’m ph-still confused, how did manage to get Bill Clinton into the theme ph-song?” Not even JFK responded to any of my letters for him to make a cameo, why would a sax player from Arkansas come film with these guys?

“Eh, we filmed it with him before his inauguration,” Yakko said. “He and Hilary wanted good PR with the newly emancipated toons who were wrongfully incarcerated all those years ago… !” He directed his shouting to Thaddeus Plotz, the current CEO and one of the men responsible for their imprisonment. To say the least, he was the odd one out at this party of toons who came.

“I ain’t apologizing to a bunch of zany toons who nearly destroyed the studio back 60 years ago and especially not now when you nearly did the same an hour ago!” The boss snapped back.

“Hey! For your information, it was an hour and half ago,” Wakko clarified as he shoved a plate of finger sandwiches down his throat, the plate included. 

Plotz grumbled as he was quite peckish and half the appetizers were already consumed by one toon. “You’re lucky that Spielberg and Ruegger are willing to put up with you three, but the second you don’t make a profit, you’re out of here.”

“Oh please Plotzy,” Dot chimed in. “Like you can get rid of us that easily. Besides, Tom managed to make one of your biggest shows yet with Tiny Toon Adventures , I’m sure we’ll be a hit!”

Hmph, of course, they’d have to bring up Tiny Toon , that show wouldn’t be half the success if it weren’t for me! (And I guess Bugs and Porky and everyone else helped out too I guess. And I think Tom Ruegger and Steven Spielberg did some stuff too, even though the latter of those two was barely around). Oh well, at least they had a good run, plus Bugs did manage to get them a couple more specials that’ll come out next year. 

It was nice teaching at Old Acme Loo, but my teacher’s stint will soon come to an end once Plotz and that giant basketball player Bugs is friends with will finalize that movie deal. The Warner Siblings can have the guy who worked on ET and Jaws for all I care, but this Jordan character will just be a stepping stone for us old toons to get back on the map. If Batman can make it big with his new Animated Series and Disney can get a Best Picture nomination for Beauty and the Beast, then surely there’s room for me and Bugs in this ‘renaissance’ we’re in.

“So Mr. Boss man,” I approached Plotz to get the latest scoop on the project. “Any updates on the new movie with me in it?”

Plotz grumbled. “For the last time Duck, your requests for a ‘Duck Dodgers’ solo feature were rejected-”

“No not that, although let’s put a pin on it for now.”

“I won’t-”

“You will, but I was talking about the one with Mr. Jordan?”

“The Hare Jordan project? Ask Bunny, I’ve been trying to contact that Chicago Bull’s agent for weeks, and he still hasn’t called back. I get he’s the biggest name right now, but I won’t be dragged along on a project that won’t get off the ground. Now if you’ll excuse me,” The CEO went to the snack bar to try and chat up with Mr. Spielberg, seemingly trying to promote more animated projects for the company while I see Ruegger and Bruce Timm chat up with Batman on that Mask of the Phantasm movie. 

After getting that lead, I search the party trying to find Bugs, eventually catching a pair of ears heading out the exit. Once I leave and look to the catwalk around the water tower, I see my rabbit, talking with two smaller ones, one blue and the other pink.

“I’m just saying,” Bugs said. “If you’re worried about finding work after the show, Acme Loo could use some new staff-”

“Well what about talking to Mr. Plotz?!” I hear Buster cry out. “Maybe he can convince Tom and Steven to get us a role on the new show when they start filming for season two?”

Bugs sighed. “They already have a bunch of toons, new and old, on that show that are all trying to share the same spotlight. It’s called Animaniacs for a reason, the Warners aren’t the only stars. Believe me when I asked around for you guys-”

“ Did you ? ‘Cause it sure doesn’t feel like it…” Buster grumbled.

That seemed to shut Bugs up as he was taken aback.

“Hey now,” Babs piped up. “It’s not like Professor Bunny canned the show in the first place, plus we’re still technically enrolled in classes. And we’re still licensed to work with Konami for at least two more video games.”

“She’s got a point kid,” Bugs continues. “The fact that Ruegger was allowed to film students at the Looniversity helped made you and your friends household names before graduation, plus you’ve got plenty of time left before your careers start to really take off. And trust me, once the specials air next year and get enough traction Fox Kids will be ringing you up.”

“Hmm, all righty,” Buster relented. “But I better get my own show, it ain’t fair Plucky got one!”

“Buster, The Plucky Duck Show was practically a glorified clip show of shorts from the original show,” Babs pointed out.

Buster shrugged that off. “Well at least “The Return of Batduck” was original. Ooh, speaking of Plucky, let’s find him and Hamton. I heard they got back from working their shift on that Atari Jaguar game.”

“They better have convinced those cogs to put Fifi in the game! What ain’t fair is Elmyra getting the all the roles…” Babs mentioned as the Bunnys (no relation) ran past me and headed back to the party. “Oh, excuse us,Professor Duck!”

And now, it was just us teachers alone overlooking the studio lot in the pale moonlight. (Well, actually it’s 8 am, Fox Kids programming block airs on Saturday mornings, but it feels more ‘dramatic’ imagining it this way.) 

“Ph-So…” I start off. “I’m guessing you didn’t have the heart to tell the kids that their careers are over?”

The rabbit sighed. “Their television careers, at least for the moment. If they keep selling game cartridges they should be last ‘till the new millennium.” Bugs leaned back at the railing while sipping from his martini glass. “It’s a shame, everyone knows that they exist only cause everyone at the time was making ‘baby cartoons’. Muppet Babies, Flintstone Kids, Yo Yogi,  A Pup Named Scooby-Doo , heck not even Tom & Jerry deserved to be put in diapers…”

“Eh, they weren’t the worst travesties. Pup was alright, and when did you care about those two?” I asked curiously about Tom and Jerry.

“Eh, the controversy was forty years ago, no one even knows it now. Even I can let go of grudges, heck why do you think I put up with you?” he smirked.

That is true, I guess no one cares about the shorts from the past. “Still, it was better to make original junior characters for the show rather than the studio putting us in diapers right?”

Bugs chuckled. “He-he, they can try, but they won’t get far.”

Jamie: Well ain’t that just foreshadowing? 

Daffy: I haven’t the ph-slightest clue what you’re talking about.

Jamie : Are you sure? Cause didn’t you and all the others star in a show back in the early 2000s called Baby Looney -

Bugs , Daffy, and Porky: DON’T!

Jamie: But you also have this new show called Bugs Bunny Build-

Bugs , Daffy, and Porky : * Pulls out an assortment of weapons and points them at the host. *

Jamie : Okay! Got it, message received! I just wanted to highlight that Builders did have a Halloween episode and let Bugs dress up as a witch, that was a good episode.

Daffy: Of course it was good, who’d you think picked that outfit for him?

Bugs takes the carrot in his glass and stir the contents inside (which is probably just water.) “But you gotta admit, even though it was clear they’re just you and me but younger, the kids still stand out on their own.”

“Maybe Plucky Duck, clearly he gets his talent from somewhere, only apparently the studio would green-lit his show before a Duck Dodgers pilot can even be made!” It’s obvious that green-tinted copycat stole my material enough to get ahead in the game, but we’ll see who's the last one to laugh. “Oh well, the kids can play their own games on their new NES consoles or Game Boys, you and I on the other hand will be kissing our tenure at Acme Loo goodbye once this basketball flick starts production.”

The rabbit’s ears start to droop downwards, oh that’s not a good sign. “Look, you didn’t hear it from me Doc, but Michael’s been thinking of retiring from basketball-”

“That’s ph-fantastic!” This couldn’t be better timing. “Now he can focus on filming the picture! Sure, he may not be as famous because he’s quitting, but this will make him a bona fide movie star, only second to you and me of course, and between you and me it’s more than obvious who's the best-.”

“Daffy, you don’t get it. The studio won’t work with him unless he’s playing ball, and he ain’t interested in the project right now anyway. For crying out loud he’s thinking of playing baseball now.”

That … wasn’t what I was expecting. “Well, then what’s wrong with him?! Didn’t he just come back from winning gold at the Olympics with Charles Barkley while wearing the same shoes you both ph-sold during the Super Bowl ads!? The man is on top of the world, winning championships left and right, and now he wants to ditch us?! WHY?!?!”

Bugs looks uneasy, pinching his nose bridge and sighing heavily. “... He just lost his father to a murder in July. His old man was a fan of baseball and wanted him to go pro in that instead of basketball. He’s exhausted from all the fame and the last thing on his mind right now is a movie with a bunch of cartoon characters!”

“... Oh.” Well, now I feel sheepish. “So… if the movie ain’t moving forward, can I crash at your place more often now?”

Bugs leans back on the railing and turns his face away sighing. “For starters, learn to be a bit more sensitive to certain topics will ya?”

“I can be ph-sensitive! I’m offended, to think I don’t have feelings or ph-sympathy for others?! You sir, clearly don’t know me well!” I cross my arms.

Even though he tries to hide it, I sense a smirk start to form. “I know you have the most inflated ego of any toon I’ve come across.” He finally turns to face me. “I also know already have keys to my place and can crash whenever you’d like.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Is that an invitation?”

And just like that, the rabbit chugged the last drop from his glass and munched on the carrot as usual. “Tell you what, you drive back home now before anyone else notices we’re gone, and I’ll give you a treat ?”

I contemplate on the offer. On the one hand, I want to run back and get that stupid CEO of ours to try and get Michael Jordan out of this supposed slump with however much money he can throw his way. But on the other hand, this party kinda blows. “This ‘treat’ better not be more carrots Bunny .” I eventually fished my car keys out of my pocket. Wait, do I have pockets? 

Porky: Little did they know everyone n-n-n-noticed they left. Although most didn’t know why. All ex-ex-ex-except me.

I know it ain’t a song, but this is history people: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uA925fg-Y2s  

Turner Broadcasting Headquarters, Atlanta, Georgia, October 1st, 1992

“On behalf of the Turner Broadcasting System, I want to welcome you to the launch of the world’s only and first Cartoon Network!”

Cheers from the crowd rang high as a host of Hanna-Barbera toons from Quick Draw McGraw and Judy Jetson hoisted the flag bearing the network’s checkerboard logo. Ted Turner himself came out and pushed down a mock lever with Fred Flintstone and Yogi Bear side by side that launched an explosion of confetti. Pretty much all the cartoon stars that showed up were Hanna-Barbera except for me and my plus one Petunia. And Popeye as well, who was in the middle of a two-way arm wrestling contest with Grape Ape and Captain Caveman while Olive Oyl is trying to get him to stop before he hurts the two opponents.

I’m not bothered by it, heck everybody who saw the pitch reel for this whole idea knows what Turner plans for Hanna-Barbera Studios. It’s funny, we were practically rivals for such a long time, (well in terms of Toons not aging, 30 years aren’t that long). Of course, most toons were friendly with one another regardless of studios, but I don’t even remember the last time Bugs was in the same room as Tom and Jerry, yet during the initial pitch reel months back there he was in the meeting room with Daffy.

Oh, those two, I wish them the best, but how long can they keep up their act? Granted, there were already rumors spreading about them for a couple of decades now, and the toons that did happen to know kept quiet, we stuck with our kind through and through. Still, what kept gnawing at my head was why I was the only one invited.

“Well, well, if it ain’t the oldest member of the golden trio and his gal,” I turned around to see it was none other than the North Carolina bluetick coon hound.

“H-H-H-Huckleberry! It’s been too long.” We embrace and had a long overdue conversation. I tell him how we were involved in this new film project that got cut due to Mr. Jordan leaving the Chicago Bulls to play minor league baseball. Petunia mentioned how she was thinking of running again for Councilwoman. He tells me that he and Desert Flower were in a process of a divorce, yet when I give him my condolences, apparently the whole separation wasn’t just mutual, they were enthusiastic about it.

“Don’t get me wrong, Desert is a fine young woman and quite the looker,” He emphasizes with his southern drawl. 

“Isn’t she just a female yellow-tinted Native American version of you?” Petunia commented.

Huckleberry shrugged. “True, but have you taken a look at Mickey and Minnie? The only difference is the clothes and eyelashes. Heck, have you two seen a mirror at the same time?”

Petunia and I look at squint at each other, but we don’t see what Huck is talking about, so we shrug in unison. We have completely different faces, plus she has hair.

“... Anyhoo, Desert was great, sweeter than any iced tea sold between Savannah and Charleston.”

I raise an eyebrow. “But?”

“Well, she was drawn specifically to be my wife back in the TV movie in ‘88, and we had some fun here and there, mostly ‘cause we allowed the other to have fun here and there with others,” he sighed. “I guess the only reason we put up the act was convenience, a ‘ lavender marriage’ you could call it.”

“Lavender…?” I remember that being more prevalent back when TV had just started, but I guess even 40 years later people still have to hide who they are.

“You don’t say?” Petunia rubs her chinny chin chin. “Lemme guess, you and Snagglepuss?”

Huckleberry chuckles softly. “No no, he’s far too interested in the finer things in life, plus I hear he and Wally Gator are testing the waters. I prefer my men to be more simple, but rugged and strong.”

Petunia looked out into the crowd to see someone that could fit that description. Whereas I’m more surprised that people I’ve known for so long hid this. “You n-n-n-never brought this up.”

“When would I?” He argues. “Y’all are fine folk, but so many others may not feel the same. You and me Pork, we’ve been in the game longer than most and seen plenty of people in the entertainment business, toons and humans, have their lives ruined over trivial things such as this.” 

That was an understatement. So many lives were ruined because of stuff like this, and yet to this day people still fear what they don’t know.

 “The only reason why I’m getting a divorce the second time around is that nowadays if I’m out, they can’t label me a red commie and blacklist me. At worst, they’ll try and say I’ll ‘infect the children with the gay plague ’ even though I would never even think of doing such a thing even if toons were able to catch HIV,” the old dog lamented. “And besides, I’m way past my prime for them to care about me anyway. We may be in a ‘renaissance’ of animation, but I doubt old fogies like us will be ‘highly sought after commodities’.”

Huh, I guess he wasn’t wrong. Most of his recent appearances so far were just cameos in Yo Yogi and that new Hanna-Barbera simulator ride down in Universal Studios Orlando, and most forget that when William and Joseph first started out in Television animation, Huckleberry was their first big hit before Yogi or Scooby. I was Looney Tunes’ first big hit as well, yet now Bugs is the main star while Daffy has to settle for the second banana and I have to be third. Oh, I guess that’s why I’m the only one here. 

“You make a g-g-g-good point. But what happened to your first m-m-m-marriage?”

Huckleberry looked more glum than usual. “They didn’t wanna bring back Clementine, they just wanted a new face and there wasn’t much we could do. Granted I love the song more than her, but it was a rough patch.”

It always makes me irk when our personal relationships are at the mercy of the studio. All I can hope for is that no one tries to put a wedge between me and Petunia, who was still guessing who Huckleberry was meeting up with.

 “It can’t be Magilla Gorilla ... No, you and Quick Draw?! ”

Huckleberry tips his hat. “Bingo was his nameo, or I suppose it’s El Kabong whenever he brings out the guitar. Ooh, speaking of…” We see the white horse swap out his 10-gallon hat for a Zorro-esque outfit and plays a familiar tune. “That’s my cue, see y’all around, and tell Bugs and Daffy that we’d love to treat ‘em to a mint julep at the Ink & Paint!”

We wave goodbye as we see Huckleberry take the stage and see him serenade “ Oh My Darling, Clementine ” along the soft guitar strings played by El Kabong. Wait he knew about Bugs and Daffy too?!

Huh, so that's where that song comes from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vEGG0hQbLzM

Bugs: Huh, I guess word of mouth really spreads along. Crazy how a few months earlier we had other stuff to worry about.

Oh, how far we’ve come yet strayed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IE_fQBcjs18  

Warner Bros. Studio Lot, April 30th, 1992

“Hey, a great idea just hit us! How about an all Cartoon Network?”

Normally the cogs in suits wouldn’t allow us toons in on company board meetings. But considering the subject of the pitch reel (and the fact that he is one of us), Plotz begrudgingly let me and the boys in (Also Granny). The old fart is just as shrewd and tight-lipped as any suit, but he’s been willing to give us a bit more freedom so long as we rake in cash for the company, and I know that he knows that this idea cooked up by Ted Turner is a solid idea.

“And speaking of Baby Boomers, they’re ‘tooning’ in themselves. Cartoons aren’t just for kids, they’re for us adults too.”

Naturally, some of the executives scoffed at the idea. I don’t know what’s wrong with them, but I recall their parents and grandparents’ generation during their age, and they all seemed just as excited as kids who wanted to watch some cartoons. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Once the reel is over, Plotz gathers the board around him and tells us to stand back at the far side of the room. Daffy naturally wanted in on what they were whispering about, but I grabbed his arm and pulled us back. I knew best to play ball with the execs and hope for the best. Soon enough we started whispering amongst ourselves.

“They’ve got to ag-w-ree for this to happen, they’ve just got to!” Tweety puttered out while avoiding Sylvester.

“Aya, you’re telling me compadre…” Speedy shook his head as he too avoided the red-nose cat with little to no effort thanks in no small part to his speed.

“They better, I say I say, they better if they aren’t fools,” Foghorn aired out.

“‘Dem varmits can’t get it through their thick skulls even when I pull out my piece,” Yosemite grumbled.

“… Beep beep!” The Roadrunner agreed.

Wile E. Coyote, currently trying to snatch his prey, held up a sign that said, ‘They’re Cogs. They don’t care about us.’

“I concur,” Marvin gave his two cents. “Their only interest is domination over the market and prefer not to share.”

“It’s not ve-w-ry likely, I heard Par-w-amount might pass up on Popeye,” Elmer muttered.

“Suffering-Succotash, where did you hear that?!” Sylvester groaned as he made another attempt to try and catch the yellow bird, only to get smacked in the head by Granny’s purse.

“Now now Sylvester, be a good cat and be on your best behavior,” the kind elderly figure suggested as she continued to hit her pet cat.

“Blah bluah ya mambada pffft!” Taz did make a very intellectual anecdote.

“AHEM!” 

We all turned to see Plotz and his cronies ready to deliver their final thoughts. “Mr. Bunny, I understand you’re familiar with Betty Cohen?”

“Sure do Doc, she helps run TNT, and Ted is more than confident in her to man this ship as network president,” I say.

Plotz crossed his arms. “And what are your thoughts?”

I suppress a chuckle. “Since when do you lot care what I think ? But you already know the answer to that. Thanks to the Children’s Television Act and with everyone buying up cable packages, Saturday Morning Cartoons will be phased out by the end of the decade, and all those kids will tune into the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon, but we can join the competition as well. You can’t disagree that this is a gold mine for everyone involved, yourself especially once you buy out Turner Broadcasting.”

Plotz raised an eyebrow. “Who says we’ll do that?”

Yes, he took the bait. “Oh, my mistake. You wouldn’t go out of your way to try and own over a third of cable television along with a library of content from MGM, including bringing back all the movies and films we’ve licensed out over the years now would you? ”

The CEO leaned back into his chair, contemplating on the idea of a takeover, only for his mouth to curve upwards sinisterly. “No, we wouldn’t, not yet at least.”

“ You know what would help? Allowing The Cartoon Network to move forward without trying to haggle for distribution rights.” Ok, time to reel him in. “And the process would go smoother if you had a certain rabbit on the board of executives to schmooze Turner into selling.”

Looking back and forth among executives who nodded in agreement, Plotz gave the go-ahead. A round of cheers and applause swept the room even when the cogs kicked us out, but we took pride as we left the corporate office. 

“Anyone down to celeb-wate at the Ink & Paint tonight?” Tweety asked.

“Normally I’d love to Tweet, but it ain’t exactly the best time to go downtown right now,” I noted. “Last I heard half of Koreatown got burned off the map.”

Yosemite laughed rather heartily at the current situation. “Haha, yeah but where credit’s due, dem’ store owners sure put up a heck of a fight on the rooftops. Say Elm, wanna head down and catch in on the action?”

Elmer laughed nervously while brandishing his double barrel. “Hehehe, I suppo-wse we could make some time-”

“Oh n-n-n-no you don’t!” Surprisingly enough it was Porky that stopped those two gun nuts. “We can’t get into any trouble, at least not until Bugs is made a b-b-b-board member.”

“Look, any property damage you wanna do, do it in Toontown,” I mentioned. Thankfully most of the rioting is among the humans, whereas Toontown is always in a constant state of destruction, just less racially-motivated.

Thankfully our little rouges gallery relented and went back home for the day. Tweety flew off with Sylvester hot on his tail and Granny not far behind, while Speedy ran off to check on some relatives in Atwater Village to see if they were safe, leaving me with just Porky and Daffy.

“I can’t b-b-b-believe that worked,” Porky cheerfully acknowledged. “That was some q-q-q-quick thinking back in there Bugs.”

Daffy on the other hand grumbled along. “I still don’t see why Plotz made you a board member all of a ph-sudden.”

“Eh, maybe it’s cause that Super Bowl Ad back in January I did with Michael did pretty well, can’t go wrong with merchandise sales. I even heard back that they wanna do a couple more promotions.”

Daffy starts to walk around the studio building. “Bah, ‘ Hare Jordan ’, what a stupid name.” Jeez, can’t a guy enjoy someone else’s success?

“Where are you headed to Bugs?” Porky asks. 

“Eh, Tom Ruegger and Jean McCurdy wanna meet up and talk about pitching a new show once Tiny Toon ends in December. Something educational that’ll fit with the new regulations of the Children’s Television Act, you know how it goes.”

“Aw those p-p-p-poor kids, who should break the news to them?”

“Pfft, not me,” Daffy snidely said. “Don’t feel too bad Porky, they already lasted longer than anyone thought, heck they even got their own movie that came out in March.

“Even though it’s st-st-st-straight to DVD.”

“ Better than what we get!” Daffy argues. “Those brats may have helped revive the animation studio, but they had their time in the limelight. I think now it’s time for us to- oof !” Just as he turned around a corner, the duck bumped into a familiar squirrel.

“ Ey , watch where you're going feathers!” Slappy dusted herself off. “I got places to be and the last thing I need is to deal with, whatever it is you’s guys are doing.”

“Slappy! How’s my favorite animated squirrel?” I say.

“Ha! Tell that to Screwy Squirrel, that MGM copycat can only hope to beat the original,” she proudly said. “Of course, you could’ve said that before Jack Warner fired me.” She crossed her arms.

“After what you pulled on the set of A Streetcar Named Desire , there was no recovering from that,” I pointed out.

“All I was doin’ was honoring Tennessee William’s true vision, how was I supposed to know Marlon Brando was the squeamish type?”

“You said it Aunt Slappy!” 

The three of us lean over to see behind the old toon a smaller one. “Oh yeah, I forgot to introduce ya. Meet my nephew Skippy. His parents live down in Walnut Park and wanted him to stay with me for a while, just until this whole riot blows over. I brought him over today to visit a few old buddies of mine.”

“Aw, Slappy, you still think ab-ab-ab-about us after all these years?” Porky smiled.

The gray squirrel laughed rather aggressively, only to cough at the end of her fit. “O-Oh man Porks, you never do change, huh? Nah, I’m talking about another trio of toons.”

Porky, while hurt at the remark, quickly turned surprised. “You don’t mean…?”

“Oh, but I mean. C’mon, the more, the merrier,” she gestured to follow her, and seeing as that we didn’t have much else to do, we did.

Walking down the studio lot while waving to a passing tourist group, we reached our destination as the large shadow loomed over us. “The water tower?” Daffy asked.

“You’ll see, just climb,” Slappy opened the security gate that was only guarded by one man, a security guard, and a toon that was definitely not on the bright side. “Hey Ralph, slow day, huh?”

“Durh, you said it Happy, gots some new friends?”

“Eh, just my nephew and some old co-workers, gonna head up alright?”

“Durh, ok! Have fun!” The large human toon stepped aside, and we climbed the ladder. While Slappy seemed unfazed by all this and Skippy practically giddy, Daffy and I were more than confused. What confused me more was how Porky seemed nervous.

“So where are your ‘buddies’?” Daffy questioned as we reached the top.

“Hold on, let me check if they’re awake,” Slappy walks towards the giant WB sign, and once we take a closer look, apparently it’s a giant door, with seemingly no handle on the outside. The squirrel bangs on the door three times, and we all just wait patiently for a response. A minute passes, and we lean our ears onto the wall as we begin to hear faint sounds inside. Eventually, we can make out distinct voices.

“ ... how many times do I have to tell you Wakko, you can’t shove all that in your mouth! ” A feminine voice yells.

“ Well, you’ve told me no at least 60 times a year, so … how many years have we’ve been in here? ” A male voice answers, apparently Wakko, who sounds like he was a rejected member of The Beatles.

“ Can you two pipe down for a sec? I hear someone at the door, ” Another voice, who sounds more mature than the other two, sounds like he’s shuffling towards us. “ That you Slappy? ”

“You know it Yakko, how’s it been?” Slappy responded to the door.

“ Oh you know, same old water tower, same old siblings who can’t keep quiet! ” Yakko sounded like he directed his response to the argument happening in the background.

The two voices stopped their bickering and seemingly headed towards the closed door. “ Slappy! It’s been so long, where the heck have you’ve been? ” The girl's voice spoke.

“I’ve been busy alright Dot?!” The cranky toon answered. “One day I’m minding my own business and the next day the whole town’s gone crazy after a bunch of pigs got away with beating up a taxi driver, no offense Porks.”

“N-n-n-none taken, I left the force for a reason.”

“Now there’s a riot going on that’s bigger than Watts in ‘65, and I got a kid left on my doorstep, and he’s kinda been a handful.”

The kid in question walks toward the door. “Hi! I’m Skippy, and you guys are…?”

“ We’re the Warner brothers! ” The two male voices spoke. 

“ And the Warner sister! ” the young girl added.

The Warner Brothers? And the Warner Sister?! I thought they were just a myth, an old wife’s tale about not going against our human overlords, and they’ve been in here this whole time?! 

“Oh please ,” Daffy wasn’t buying it. “If you really are the brother Warner, then why are you locked up, huh?”

“ You tell me! ” Yakko shot back. “ I can’t even remember why they threw us in here. ”

“ Wasn’t it because we burned down a quarter of the studio? ” Wakko threw it out there.

“ I thought it was at least a third, ” Dot added. “ I thought it was because we got blamed for the Long Beach Earthquake. ”

“Wait what?” Skippy asked concerned, stepping away from the door.

“I remember why.”

Everyone on the catwalk turned to Porky, who remained quiet for the duration of the banter. “It was a really b-b-b-bad trial, a kangaroo court basically. But I thought you l-l-l-left already?”

The door remained quiet for a moment, only for Wakko to speak up. “ Hold on a sec, I remember that voice! You’re the security guard from back then right? The pig? ”

“Y-y-y-yes, that’s me. I gave you a key before you left, didn’t I?! I thought you and your brother and sister would’ve left Toontown and never looked back!” Well darn Porky, didn’t know you were such a rebel.

The door remained quiet for another moment, only for Dot to speak up. “ ... Wakko…?! ”

“ Hold on, I think I remember. Right before Ralph and that short businessman threw us inside on behest of Mr. Jack’s request, I asked if you could give us a key, and you did, and then I remember it was around lunchtime, so I had the key right there next to my quadruple-decker sub and - oh I see what happened. ”

Soon enough we only heard a scuffle on the inside of the water tower, with the stray insult and sound of anvils dropping to follow.

“ That does it. Open wide and say your prayers! ” Dot screeched.

“ Alrighty then, bless you, bless me, bless Yak- ACK! ” I’m guessing he opened wide.

“ Yakko, grab the other end of his mouth while I fish out the key! ”

All while this is occurring we step back, trying not to hear the vivid sounds of an arm reaching down into a throat and rummaging around to find a key.

“ Let’s see here, we got a moldy pizza, some rubber band balls, a flat stone tablet with writing on them -”

“ Dot, that looks like one of the tablets that tell the Epic of Gilgamesh! ” Yakko exclaimed. “ You know what this means? ” 

“ Another long educational song, you can go sing that once we’re out of here .” Soon enough we heard a gagging reflex, which wasn’t a good sign. “ Oh no no no, don’t you dare-! ” But it was too late, and what we hear is an audible splash of vomit come out.

“ Spew… !” Skippy spitted out.

And just like that, we all shivered at the sound of a toon who puked for a duration longer than we would like to say, so much so that we looked at one another and nodded in agreement to never speak of this again. 

“ Oh c’mon! You couldn’t give him just the one key but a whole key ring!? ”

“It was a sp-sp-sp-spur of the moment alright?!”

Eventually, midday turned to sunset as the kids on the other side of the metal door checked each and every single key. 

During this, we start to swap stories about our time on the silver screen. The Warners seemed to have a much more limited understanding of modern times but seemingly made the occasional reference to Dolly Parton and Tom Brokaw. Slappy’s been visiting them here for years apparently behind everyone’s back, pretty much being their only source of information about the outside world. I was drawn back in ‘38, at least a couple of years before I was called Bugs Bunny, and five years after the Warners were locked up, and by then most had assumed that it was just a rumor and that they ran away. It didn’t help that the entire studio has always denied their existence. And as for the true reason they got locked up, it wasn’t shocking but fit the bill of the times back then. And it’s a shame, from the sound of these kids they did the ‘edutainment’ gimmick with their shorts that had songs about learning historical events long before Congress mandated it to everyone. Plus they even did a little catchy number on how the Epic of Gilgamesh was the first notable piece of literature and had several key elements found in stories from the Bible to the Odyssey long before any of those were around. Huh, that gives me an idea…

Funny enough, it was the last one that fit the keyhole and soon enough we heard the tumblers of the door slide and shift, followed by the sound of a handle turning. And just like that, we see the Warners for the first time. Oh god, they're just kids. We all step aside for the black and white toons to get their bearings.

“Well, I’ll be,” Slappy spoke first. “You know, 60 years later and you guys still remind me of a rejected animation cell of Oswald the Lucky Rabbit, Bimbo the Dog, and Felix the Cat respectively,” she acknowledged the siblings, oldest to youngest.

 They paid her little mind, they just kept staring out into the sun setting over the Burbank skyline.

“It’s so bright .” Dot aired out.

“It’s so beautiful ,” Wakko muttered.

Yakko sniffled, tears in his eyes. “It…” He takes another whiff of the Southern California air. “It reeks !”

 “Oh totally! And I can tell, it’s not just my throw-up that stinks. Man, the 90s sure are different!” Wakko grins as he points out a cloud of smoke rising from the distance, most likely from the riots. “Ooh, look, seems like someone’s having a barbeque!”

Yakko, the tallest of the trio, turns to see the rest of us. “So, I take it you're the ‘famous’ Bugs Bunny?”

I reach out my hand and we shake. “The one and only. Loved that musical number by the way.”

“Yeah, shame that the tablet got ruined by all the vomit. Lost to time I guess, yet it lives in song. I just love to sing, and to teach those two numskulls history.”

I smirked, these kids would definitely get along with Tom.  “How’d you like to teach and entertain kids around the world?”

The ears of the other two Warners perked up. “Can we join?!” They said in unison.

“I can be the cute one!” Dot turns on her charm like no other toon I’ve seen, not even Daffy during his better days.

“Well I can do this,” Wakko pulled out an anvil from his pocket and dropped it down on the unsuspected tour group below, causing an uproar of panic complemented by the sounds of golf cars crashing and screaming tourists. 

Yakko leans over to me. “Yeah, we’re a package deal, so…”

Taking one look at the toons, I figured, why not? “I can work with that Doc.” I pulled out my brand new Nokia 101 and dial the number. “Hey Tom, I think I found your new act, they’re-” but the second I look back, the kids are already gone.

I turned to Slappy, who calmly pointed in the direction the zany toons were headed, straight toward the riots. You can even hear them in the distance, “ Boingy Boingy Boingy! ”

To the city of angels (and demons) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLvohMXgcBo  

Bugs: Thankfully we nabbed them before the National Guard arrived, and with my new position on the board it was easier to convince Plotz not to lock them up again. That and he tried twice but failed, not to mention locking up a bunch of toons right after a riot tore up the city wouldn’t be the best course of action. Why don’t we get back to us trying to screw over the company eh?

August 22nd, 2022 - New York, New York

The RV finally arrives at the corporate offices around midday. What seemed like a few days across the country was truly hellish in reality. Us old toons stumbled out of the vehicle, Porky even kneeling down to kiss the ground and whispering to it softly that he’ll never take them for granted.

“Man, that traffic was abysmal. Seriously, why were there so many buses and trucks on the way here?!” Wakko groaned.

“My guess is that DeSantis and Abbott are still doing their political stunt that involuntarily sends migrants somewhere else like cattle,” Yakko added.

Dot sighed. “Well here’s hoping they’ll develop a conscience and stop that. Now then, let’s give this CEO a warm Warner welcome.” She smiled sinisterly.

Getting through the front desk was a process, even though they knew all of us, but Bruce came in the knick of time, and in full batsuit too, making every other human nervous to be around us, and for good reason, we were a force to be reckoned with. Outside the boardroom, I turn back to the Warners before we enter. “Ready to enter the belly of the beast?”

The trio grinned and nodded. “As always!”

Not waiting any longer, we busted in.

Jamie: … And?

Bugs: *Munches on a carrot.* And what? We went in and came out, that’s all.

Jamie: *Crosses their arms* You mean all that build-up was for nothing?

Daffy: Not for nothing, I thought it was entertaining looking into my history, this is the closest yet I’ll get to a biopic.

Porky: Also we signed an n-n-n-non-disclosure agreement that we can’t say anything that he said.

Jamie: What?! Then why are you guys giving an interview then?!

Bugs: For transparency with the audience, plus we had nothing better to do now that we may have bitten off more than we can chew.

By sundown we left the building, mostly silent in the new realization that we had not only accomplished anything but maybe left things off worse than before. I kinda just turned out when Dot went on a rant about wanting to burn down the studio (again) with Yakko trying to convince her to burn anything else down. Wakko seemed indifferent whereas Daffy was dumping out all his frustrations on Porky. I just couldn’t take much more.

“Sorry about your show Batsy,” I turned to The Dark Knight. “If I had known they’d shoot you down-”

“It’s fine Bugs,” Batman said with little to no emotion as always. “I’m in the middle of finishing up filming the new Suicide Squad game with Kevin, so I have to get back to him.”

“Tell Mr. Conroy we said hi,” Dot smiled sadly at the brooding figure, who I swear gave a half smirk in return before he launched his grappling hook and zipped away. “Well, at least he didn’t cancel our show just yet, ” she turned to her brothers and then looked at us. “I wish I could’ve said the same for you guys…”

Porky sighs. “It’s not like they outright c-c-c-canceled our movies, just putting them on hold for now until a distributor comes to pick it up.”

“They better!” Daffy was beginning to scream. “ The Day the Earth Blew Up should be on our streaming service! And though I might despise the rabbit, I put a lot of work on Bye Bye Bunny and I won’t stand for this!”

“Yes, you will.”

They all turn toward me surprised. Daffy especially seemed taken aback. “... What ?”

“None of you are gonna say anything.” I put my foot down. “We’re gonna go back home, stay quiet, and focus on defense. We lost okay, right now we have to think about saving what’s left.”

Dot wasn’t having any of it. “Are you kidding me?! I can’t go back, they’ll find out that my brothers and I started this whole mess thanks to Ralph. And don't get me started on trying to explain to the Wattersons that the Gumball movie is on indefinite hold. I need something to give them!”

“Give them a mayor to look up to even in the darkest times,” I harken back to my own days in office. “I wish you weren’t in charge when everything is going wrong, but you have to act up and be the responsible ones now.”

“Being responsible is the last thing we want though!” Wakko pleaded.

I sigh, “Wakko-”

“What makes you think I’ll go quietly?” I look back to Daffy, who directed his anger at me. “What makes you think I’ll listen to you, rabbit?! Huh?!”

My shoulders slump, man I hate having to argue with him again. “In the entire history you and I have known each other, when have you ever been right ? When have I ever been wrong ?”

“I-” Daffy tried to defend himself, but I wasn’t gonna let him slide this time.

I step closer and tell it to his face. “Who bailed you out every time they wanted you gone? Who let you stay at my home every time Melissa/Tina kicked you out? Or just because you wanted to be there with me? Or the times you didn’t care if I was home or not?! Everything I’ve done, I did it for you and others, and what do I get? Nothing !” 

I gestured to everyone present in my rage.

 “I don’t expect anything in return, but some gratitude. I am not Mickey Mouse, but I try to help out, even though every fiber in my being tells me otherwise.” I start to laugh but it’s not hilarious. “Haha, so you know what? You wanna be the one calling the shots? Go ahead, I’m done…” 

And I start walking off, despite hearing the pleas of the Warners and Porky, telling me not to abandon them, but I stop in my tracks when Daffy speaks up.

“The Bugs I know wouldn’t throw in the towel!” 

I feel tempted to go back to him, but I made my choice, and keep on walking.

I know I said Ringo was my favorite, but this one is a close second: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVu6nPTVbBQ  

Chapter Text

Daffy: After we slunk back to Toontown, ph-someone had to take charge, and there was only one toon for the job. *Points to himself*.

Porky: D-d-d-Dot?

Daffy: No! 

Dot: Porky?

Daffy: How’d you get back here?! 

Jamie: I would also like to know that.

Dot: Chiaki let me in. 

Jamie: *Turns to sound-booth window* You know it’s already pretty cramped in here right? Of course, you did…

Dot:  Anyway, Bugs was MIA, and we couldn’t wait for him to come back, so we had to handle things ourselves

Thankfully when we came back home things weren’t complete chaos (aside from the occasional piano falling on a bystander on the sidewalk). Heck, I think everyone was doing a better job of running the city than me and my brothers. Mao Mao had teamed up with Bonkers to try and bring order to the streets, which is a hilariously stupid idea, but at least they managed to try and keep the protests more centralized within Toontown, with the local human police and their dip kept at bay. Rad had gone with KO and Enid to appeal to the Animation Guild to try and find out what they can salvage and how to prevent any more toons and animators from getting the pink slip. Tulip and Susie had taken over much of the municipal affairs by proposing a new law to guarantee that fired toons were ensured a form of social income so long as they resided within our borders.

Huh, why did I even agree to be mayor again? Oh right, so I can do whatever I want without getting in trouble. Also Brain made sure I’d win. Though I’m starting to rethink my decision thanks to all of these problems thrown at me. So why not do what all great politicians do and make a huge distraction to ignore all those problems? 

What’s his name? Coolio. Say his name. Coolio: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp8Vl3A6mp8  

October 1st, 2022 - Cartoon Network 30th Anniversary, CN City Center 

The early 2000s beat was a fairly chill rhythm, but in light of the recent news that the rapper who dropped this banger had left this mortal world a few days prior, and that of the entire situation regarding Warner Bros. Discovery, it seemed like every toon in attendance jammed as hard as they could. Perhaps it was in honor of Artis Leon Ivey Jr, but it was also perhaps they felt that this would be the last time they’d get to have a proper celebration. 

Of course, on the stage that was in the center of the roaring crowd of toons was Dexter himself, along with plenty of the ‘legacy’ toons such as Johnny Bravo and The Powerpuff Girls, as well as the mature celebrities of Adult Swim such as the Venture Bros. and Rick and Morty Smith, plus the various cartoon stars of Hanna-Barbera and the Looney Tunes whose re-runs took up much of the airtime during the network’s infancy. 

Toons from every studio from Disney to Nickelodeon showed up, heck even some old school Anime legends from Sailor Moon to Monkey D. Luffy showed up along with TOM Toonami. But it was easy to notice the absence of three figures in particular, them being Porky, Daffy, and Bugs. The latter of which left us all on our own, and the other two were with me and my brothers overlooking the festivities in the town square from the top floor of Townsville City Hall, the local municipal building where the current councilwoman of CN City arranged the emergency meeting about the new parent company.

“Thanks for giving us the room Ms. Bellum,” I stared up at the redheaded and shapely woman, even though I was unable to see her face for whatever reason.

“The pleasure’s all mine Dot,” Sara replied curtly. “Although I wonder whether your negotiations will work out the way you want-”

SPLAT! 

I jump as Daffy was launched right next to me and landed on the window. “... Ouch…” He muttered.

“The only one who calls my nephew a hotheaded idiot is me you harebrained mallard!” I turn away from the window and back at the absolute state that is the roundtable of various toons representing the various entertainment companies, broadcast networks, and streaming services that Porky and Yakko managed to wrangle together in our time of need, and of course Disney sent their CFO Scrooge McDuck to negotiate. 

“All right that’s enough!” they all turned to me as I approached the head of the table. “Look, I called this meeting tonight because we’re out of alternatives-”

“ Ahem !”

All the toons' heads turned to my oldest brother, who sat on the opposite end of the long table. 

“For your information, I’m the one who called everyone here,” Yakko mentioned. “Some of these people I had to physically drag back here too.”

“And I helped!” Wakko happily said. “The dragging part I mean.”

“Ugh, please don’t do that again,” Mark Grayson, representing Prime Video, shivered and rubbed his aching shoulder. “Seriously, I would have come if you asked dude.”

Wakko shrugged. “Well, I wanted to see if you really were ‘Invincible’ or not against toon physics, apparently not.”

“Now look who’s saying puns,” Yakko snarked. “You didn’t even get the pun -ch line right!”

“Bahahaha! That’s a good one.” We turned to see SpongeBob giggling happily at his seat, mostly oblivious to the bleak nature of this meeting. “Well this is fun, we should meet up more often.”

A string of grumbles and half-agreements littered the room.

“So does that mean you can convince your cogs to buy up any of our canceled shows?” I said almost too excitedly.

Unfortunately, the yellow sponge’s chipper smile disappeared. “I wish I could help out guys, but I don’t know if I can convince Nickelodeon to take over any Cartoon Network shows. Although…?” SpongeBob rubbed his nonexistent chin. “I could try and ask Paramount+ to ask around, they could use more cartoons in their library.”

“Same here,” to SpongeBob’s left was Cleopatra (the one from space). “Peacock has DreamWorks and Illumination movies, but after my show ended last year they kinda ran dry with animated shows.”

Mark spoke up next. “I might be able to convince Bezos to splurge a bit and buy out some of the DC projects like Batman: Caped Crusader, but the original shows like Close Enough and Elliot from Earth will be hard to sell.”

I turned to the other occupants in the room, the ones who represented Netflix. “What about you three?” 

“Oh boy,” Ms. Chalice sighed. “Believe me when I say we would like to help you three out, I love watching your stuff.”

“The feelings mutual, especially when you’re on-screen dancing,” Yakko winked at Chalice, who returned the gesture with a blushing giggle. Oh god, now he’s going after sentient kitchenware? 

Wakko, uninterested in Yakko’s new crush (which usually lasts for a week and not longer) rolls his eyes and turns to the brothers. “Well for what it’s worth, at least you aren’t the type of knockoffs to sell Russian spyware.”

“Hey, who you callin’ knockoff!?” Cuphead shot back. “If anything we’re the upgrades you bunch of old -hmph!” Thankfully a hand went over his mouth before he finished announcing his last will and testament.

“What my brother means , is that we’re more than plenty original,” Mugman clarified. “But as much as we would like to help, Netflix isn’t exactly being cooperative with us either.”

My eyes widen. “You’re kidding me, you guys are getting screwed over too?!”

“We haven’t heard back from Mr. Hastings if we’re getting any more episodes than the batch we’ve gotten. It’s the same problem with other shows like Centuarworld , they give us a bunch of episodes to film at once, split them up, and market them as separate seasons so that if the first one is successful enough they can just say they renewed it to make it seem like they listen to the audience, but most times they won’t renew it past season two. If we’re making three seasons' worth of content, and they’re paying us for one season’s worth, it’s practically highway robbery- eugh ! Cuphead!” Mugman took his hand back, which was much soggier than before.

Cuphead stuck his tongue out at his brother rather immaturely and turned to the rest of the table. “Yeah, it sucks. I hear Dead End: Paranormal Park hasn’t heard back if they're getting a renewal after season two, but Inside Job was renewed for another season back in June before Part II comes out in November, so they seem to be safe for now. Combine this with the layoffs at Netflix Animation and shelving the Bone series, HBO Max ain’t the only one spiraling out of control.”

“But we’ll try and ask around,” Chalice tried to keep the vibe more positive than it really was. “I’ll turn on the old charm on them and push for them to buy more shows, the cogs love that stuff.”

“Aye, as much I would like to help I’m in the midst of a corporate crisis,” Scrooge said. “Even when I find a way to get rid of this bloody idiot Chapek, I also have my own company to wory about. But even so, the only Warner Bros. content on Disney+ is an 1988 film that exists solely because every studio was desperate, and the animation industry was in a full-on crisis.”

“Whose to say we weren’t in one right now ?!” Daffy exclaimed. “We’re getting hammered left, right, ph-sideways, ph-slantways, and every other way conceivable!”

Yakko interjected Daffy and turned to Scrooge. “Are there any updates on Hulu? We haven’t heard back yet if they’ve renewed our contracts for Season Four.”

The richest duck in the room shook his head grimly. That wasn’t good, definitely not good. If we get canceled again, so help me Chuck that I won’t go quietly. 

“Ah, if I can have everyone’s attention for a moment.”

All the heads of the table turned to the more soft-spoken voice of Councilwoman Bellum. “What’s with the sad face hot stuff?” Wakko asked. 

Mark raised an eyebrow. “You can see her face?”

Sara cleared her throat once more, this time more urgently. “That was Sam Register on the phone, he has some news about Cartoon Network-”

“Have they said what shows they’ll move to the network?” I asked excitedly. “We got Summer Camp Island along with Victor and Valentino premiering on cable, how’s Mao Mao season two lookin’?”

“No word on that yet, but I’ve arranged so that The Day the Earth Blew Up and Bye Bye Bunny will be released on the channel once your filming is complete.”

That sent a sigh of relief to Daffy and Porky. “And the b-b-b-bad news?”

Her expression (or lack thereof) wasn’t pleasant. “It’s not about the network, it's about the studio.”

Yakko groaned. “This better be about bringing back the old logo, that new inverted one just looks off.”

Sara simply shook her head. “It’s much more dire I’m afraid.”

I could sense my pupils shrinking at that statement, and I wasn’t the only one in the room. Wakko gulped. “Don’t tell me they’re shutting it down?”

“Not exactly… in order to cut costs they’re currently in the planning phase to merge both Cartoon Network Studios and Warner Bros. Animation, all while laying off multiple artists and reevaluating their current programs, including Craig of the Creek. I’ve been trying to contact the board of directors at Warner Bros. Discovery to see…”

I kinda just tuned out after hearing that, I couldn’t focus on what she was saying, I couldn’t pin together what everyone else was saying. Most of it was made up of screams distraught, I can kinda make out Daffy ranting louder than everyone else about the merger. I think even Scrooge joined in his rant, while the cups and sponge along with the superhero teen voiced their voices to try and ease our hardship. Not even our competitors think we deserve this. I peer over the window, vaguely hearing the chants of toons out there partying their cares away. That’s what we do best, is it right? I don’t know, but who am I to take their joy away? I snap out of it when I start to hear Yakko argue with Porky.

“... I’m just p-p-p-putting it out there. We can’t k-k-k-keep this from anyone-”

“Porky, think about this! You wanna tell everyone that they’re out of a job? Out of a studio?!”

“Technically the studio isn’t gone, it’s just being absorbed and now people are going to get laid off and now there will likely be less creative control,” Wakko pointed it out rather nonchalantly. “Granted from what I heard Mr. McCracken pitched multiple original ideas to the network only for him to come back making yet another Powerpuff Girls reboot and a preschool version of Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends .”

“They’re investing in their old IPs and less on originality, does that mean the mergers been in the works for that long?!” Daffy pulled out his hair, also unable to grasp how to handle the situation.

“We have to t-t-t-tell them!”

“NO!”

I wasn’t the only one to say that, as I looked to my side and saw Daffy share the same thought in a rare moment.

“Porks, you’re my best friend, so let me teach you a lesson,” Daffy spoke first. “, don’t say a thing! If you don’t acknowledge it, it’s not really a lie, and no one’s the wiser. I do it all the time when the tax collector comes.”

“B-b-b-but-”

“No buts!” I put my foot down and point to the window while looking back at the group of concerned characters. “Every toon down there is trying to ignore their problems for one more night, the least you can do for them is to give them that! Not a word goes out of this room or so help me I will make a new zoning law that will designate your homes are a bunch of new landfills!”

With that last statement, the pig shut his snout. 

“... As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted,” Sara talked once more. “They’d prefer if this didn’t get out until they’ve finalized some of the paperwork, so we have about a couple of weeks, possibly less. The reason they gave me the heads-up was to see if Mayor Dot would be open to the idea of dissolving CN City and incorporating it into nearby Acme Acres.”

Huh, I guess that that was the last straw for me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be laughing this manically. “Haha, haha! HAHA!” I didn’t care that everyone was gawking at me like I’ve lost my mind, at this rate I just might. “Oh-oh-oh man, t-they honestly think that I’d stoop to their level? They’re crazy if they think I would do that!”

“On the contrary, I see that it’s only necessary Mayor Dot.”

I turned to the sound of the voice, initially seeing an open but empty door leading out of the boardroom, I realized there was only one toon I knew that sounded like a dude from the 30s announcing an alien invasion in New Jersey via radio. I looked down and saw the small mouse and his plus one, and I only had one question for them.

“Where the heck have you two been?! I’ve been pulling my ears out trying to figure out a way outta this mess and you go AWOL on me too?!”

The Brain raised his hand. “As Speaker of the Toontown Council, I have to remain impartial while assisting those on the board, Councilwoman Bellum included,” he pointed to Sara. “And I’ve overlooked much of the city’s budget and in the past few years, both communities are seeing a steady decline in their economies and toon populations.”

“AKA we ran out of money!” Pinky exclaimed happily. “So why not lose money together?”

SpongeBob nods in agreement. “That mouse has a point, also he seems like fun.”

Sara spoke next. “This may be a bad time to mention that they’ve contacted the councilwoman of Acme Acres, and seeing the impending financial fallout from all these toons out of work so suddenly, she thinks it’s a viable option-”

“Call Petunia and tell her to shut her pie-hole and not say a word to the cogs!” I snap back.

“Hey! That’s my p-p-p-partner your talking about!”

I turn to Porky fuming. “Your partner is just another problem I have to deal with! The company is the one firing everyone, and they have the gall to tell us how to run things?! They started all these problems and want us to fix them?! Why I oughta… I OUGHTA-!” Just as I was about to bring out my mallet and start smashing everything in sight, I felt the sudden and welcoming touch of my shoulders getting rubbed. “Oh. Oh… that’s it, right there…” Soon enough I felt myself tense less and less.

“That’s it,” I hear Mugman from the back speaking soothingly. “Just relax, don’t break anything that we can’t afford to replace right now.”

Yakko stood in awe. “How the-”

“I usually do this to Cuphead before he starts breaking stuff too.”

“Forget…cup….” I respond dreamily. “So you free Saturday night….?”

Mugman sputtered like crazy, either he was too flustered or too scared to handle me.

I hear Porky sigh audibly. “Man, I wish B-b-b-Bugs were here.”

Most expected Daffy to respond back with something along the lines of ‘ That traitor can go back to whatever rabbit hole he crawled out of! ’ but surprisingly, he just nodded silently. 

Daffy: Oh what? Is it that hard to think I can be nice? I can be when I want to! Watch me, idiot!

October 1990 - Acme Looniversity, Acme Acres, Toontown

“Now then ph-students, let’s review from yesterday.” I write on the chalkboard the name of the class, ‘ Spotlight Stealing ’. “Can anyone tell me the first step to grabbing the audience’s attention?”

From all the seats of young toons, the only one to raise his hand and jump up and down from his seat was of course Plucky. “Ooh ooh ooh! You gotta know when to be really loud!”

“Correct! The only one people should hear is you !” I note it down on the chalkboard. “What’s next?”

The green tyke ran up to the front of the classroom. “Take center stage! Make sure the camera’s following you, if not you follow the cameraman.”

I feel offended yet proud that this kid is trying to one-up me. “Yes, follow the guy back home if you have to get a good close up. Next?”

Plucky zooms back to the student’s desk and quickly grabs Hamton. “H-hey!” The duck drags the pig back to the front. 

“Assert your dominance over others.” Plucky then jumps on top of Hamton, who struggles to hold him over his shoulders enough to let Plucky be taller than me.

“Let it be known whose on top and who's on the bottom!”

“I-I wouldn’t phrase it like that Plucky…,” Hamton wheezed out, still struggling to carry him. “Can I go back to my seat now?”

“Ah Hamton,” Plucky started. “You just helped show the next step, knowing who's the straight-man, the second banana,” he pointed down at his friend who is reluctantly still carrying him. “And you gotta know who's the hero, the protagonist, the lovable rouge!” He pointed to himself.

Hamton, no longer wanting to participate in these antics, dropped Plucky face first onto the floor. “I’m pretty sure you mean the one with a few screws loose .”

“Perhaps,” I add on the chalkboard. “However I would like to reiterate that in every cartoon me and Porky have been ph-starred it, it’s pretty clear who's the star and who's the ph-second banana-”

“AHEM!” 

I turned my head and saw the pig in question leaning on the doorway, with a deadpan look on his face. “F-f-f-for your information, the very first short we both starred in was called ‘ Porky’s Duck Hunt, ’ and the short we d-d-d-did together after that was literally named ‘ Porky and Daffy ’,” Porky emphasized his own name.

He… did have a point. But my point’s better. “Bah, you’re just jealous that I’m more recognizable and have the more tie-ins and merch.”

Porky scoffed. “I’m the j-j-j-jealous one? Please, sp-sp-sp-spare me. Anyhoo, we got an emergency faculty meeting right now.”

“Oh, well let’s call it early lunch,” I turned to the classroom of cheering students who seemed more than excited to be done with my lesson. Pfft, their loss. “And I guess the film crew can take five too.”

“That’s lunch!” I hear one of the clapperboard guys yell out and much of the humans disperse along with the Tiny Toons. Plucky and Hamton ran up to the woman leading the whole crew, some new face called Sherri Stoner, and the woman overseeing everyone named Kathleen Kennedy. Apparently Steven was too busy working on that Peter Pan sequel with Robin Williams and put her in charge today.  I don’t know how Bugs managed to convince the studio to film a bunch of students who are still learning how to be cartoon stars, but somehow it’s works, and ever since the premiere a month ago, it’s the biggest thing on the new Saturday morning block Fox Kids.

I walk with Porky down to the teacher’s lounge, where a bunch of commotion was being heard even in the hallway. Once we opened the door, we stumbled upon the middle of a heated argument.

“I’m telling you, I did! I did see her talk with Mrs. Barbar-wa Bush”! Tweety argued.

“And I’m telling you ya little flyin’ yellow varmint!” Yosemite was having none of it. “George H.W. may be a cog in every sense of the word, but at least he didn’t try and take away my guns like that snake in the grass Reagan.” He un-holsters his revolvers. “He and I go way back when he represented Texas, and he wouldn’t stab Elmer and me in the back like this and talk with that uptight lady!”

“Yeah, well he’s the same guy who ran the CIA and endorses prayer in school, of course he’s a narc!” Sylvester rebuked, in a rare case of siding with Tweety.

“Well, he isn’t exactly wrong vaquero ,” Speedy argued to the angry diminutive redhead. “I have more reason than most here to not like the government, but it’s better than letting toy companies run everything.”

“Now let’s not make big business the only culprit here,” Foghorn boomed his voice. “The last thing I want, I say I say, the last thing anyone wants is Washington tellin’ us what to do. This ain’t Soviet Russia now ain’t it!?”

Soon enough the room was just us arguing once more, with Wile E. already pulling out a bazooka primed and ready to fire.

“Hey!” 

Everyone turned to the de-facto leader of the group, as well as the current principal of Acme Loo. “Relax, this is the one place where we share the same roof and don’t try to kill each other, remember?”

My co-stars grumbled and sat down like civil members of society, man talk about being out of character for us.

 “Alright, I’ll bite, what’s the big emergency?” I asked.

Bugs sighed. “Peggy Charren won. They finally passed the Children’s Television Act, and let’s just say the room is divided over the decision.”

That name made most toons shiver. The group Action for Children’s Television (ACT ) has been going after Saturday morning cartoons since the 60s, and now they finally won.

“W-w-w-well exactly what changes right now?” Porky asked carefully, trying not to share his opinion.

Bugs chewed on his carrot and gave us the rundown. “Currently the only toons that this’ll affect are the toys and action figure ones, the ones bankrolled by Hasbro and Mattel.”

That sent a sigh of relief, most of us didn’t exactly have the highest regard for Filmation or DIC anyway, still a shame those guys will be hammered by this.

“While Transformers and Masters of the Universe have to handle this on their own, we have other problems, and that involves Tiny Toon Adventures . I called Spielberg earlier this morning, and thankfully we can use the excuse that since the show is set in a school setting to avoid regulation, just throw in a moral message at the end of an episode now and then, maybe even make an Anti-Alcohol PSA. What we do have to worry about is the theatrical shorts.”

That earned a collective groan from everyone. It’s not as if we hadn’t experienced censorship in the past, but every time we bring it up we worry just how much is gonna be edited. 

“Darn it!” Yosemite slammed his fists on the table, being the most vocal about this. “It’s bad enough dem’ broadcasters on Nickelodeon want to try and edit out all shorts where I blast somebody. I tolerated them getting rid of the one with that jungle bunny-”

“ Whoa !”

 Bugs along with the rest of the room paused him before he continued any further. “We can’t say stuff like any more doc!”

“Bah! That’s rich comin’ from you rabbit ! You’re more guilty than me for being not ‘ politically correct ’ back in the day. In Horse Hare I was the ‘injun’ chief defending my land, and you were the Cavalry sergeant sent by Uncle Sam to take me out!”

That seemed to make everyone in the room feel uneasy. We try not to look back in the past, even if there were some good times, even if some of the situations we had to act through were not that comfortable to begin with.

Bugs eventually snapped out of his awkward silence. “Y-yeah, well at least I acknowledge that it was wrong to do that stuff. You on the other hand seem less amicable.”

Yosemite grumbled. “Bah! Bunch of sissies, can’t handle jokes like they used to…”

“Are we allowed to sss-say sss-sissy?” Sylvester asked. “I don’t think Mel would mind.”

Bugs muttered under his breath. “ Sometimes I wish he did… ”

“What was that?”

Bugs backtracked on his words. “I said don’t bring Mel into this. That man gave everyone in this room their voice, so don’t bring him up just to validate your argument.” That seemed to shut the cat right up. Mel Blanc was still a touchy subject even after a year he passed. Aside from maybe Chuck Jones or Bob Clampett, our voice actor/vocal coach was probably the closest to us, and it was already hard for Bugs when Bob passed before. Bugs took a deep breath and continued. “Look guys, this is the new normal, and we all have to deal it, alright?”

“Is it possible to ask the new CEO about this perchance?” Marvin asked. “He is the first toon to run the film studio since the merger with Time Inc.”

“Plotz is practically a cog though,” I added. 

Bugs simply shrugged it off and munched on his carrot. “Let’s call it for now, everyone head back to their classes.” And just like that, everyone followed the rabbit’s orders. Every except me of course. The second the door closed it was just me and him, waiting for the other to speak. I for one, wait for no man.

“I heard Honey Bunny left you,” I asked.

Bugs rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah, it didn’t last long this time around. She wanted to go off with Penelope this time, although who knows if Penny will take Pepe back.”

“Ph-So… what does this mean for us?” I threw it out there. “Melissa also left, if you cared to ask.”

Bugs took a sec to figure out what he wanted to say. “Well, I guess it’s nice working together again. You gotta hand it to Roger, he didn’t just bring back our careers, he sorta brought us back together.”

I crossed my arms. “I have a general distaste for rabbits, but the spotlight did miss me.” Oh lord, am I being humble? I gotta snap out of it. “But that movie only succeeded because of me! Don’t forget it long ears! ”

Bugs laughed heartily. “Haha, oh Daffy, I couldn’t forget you even if I tried…” 

Porky : As much as you hear it, it’s all true. I g-g-g-gotta hand it to Roger for kicking off this whole ‘animation renaissance’.

Consider this a replacement for a Tulip cameo. Get it? CAMEO?: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYOSdI_91WM

1988 - Toontown Councilman Debate

“And I promise you, all of you that as a proud citizen of this great town of ours, I will do my best to serve its citizens,” Petunia spoke at the podium, smiling fondly every time she looks back at me. “And since my partner was an esteemed captain of the Toontown Police Department, I can also assure everyone here that under my watch, we will continue to protect those in our community by banning Dip!”

A roar of applause and cheers came from the crowd of spectators and future voters. I was flattered that she brought up my service on the force, even though I left years ago, only to put on the uniform for my cameo on Who Framed Roger Rabbit . Toontown Police had a fair share of issues, number one being that we didn’t catch the bank robbers half the time, but at least we didn’t share the prejudices that our human counterparts seem to have (or tried to at least). The horror stories I heard about the LAPD make me shiver. Once the debate was over between Petunia and her opponent, Skeletor, she ran backstage to my arms, I guess she realized that it wasn’t too much of a competition. However, I wasn’t the only one celebrating with her as a couple of friendly faces (and generous benefactors) came to congratulate her.

“Jumpin’ Jeepers! You sure gave that skeleton guy up there a run for his money.”

“Aw Roger, you’re too kind,” Petunia said with an air of shyness. “Jessica, you look stunning as always,” She winks.

“Aw, I’m flattered,” Jessica takes the compliment.

“Won’t Mickey be upset you’re supporting a rival?” Petunia asks the new power couple.

“Oh plplplplpl-please, Mickey may be mayor, but he ain’t running for a third term,” Roger shrugged. “Besides, thanks to my biopic, Disney is finally on the upswing as of late, I heard that the new movie about the mermaid will be a huge hit.”

“Yeah, I wish the same could be said for us at W-w-w-Warners,” I sighed. “The company took a big hit when At-at-at-Atari when bust.”

Jessica shivered. “Those ‘pixel’ toons sure are weird, I saw Pac-Man down at Mouseton, and he’s a nice guy, just hard to talk to without knowing your ‘beeps’ and ‘boops’ . I heard the company’s merging again?”

“Yeah, T-t-t-Time Inc’s planning to make an offer soon, although I heard P-p-p-Paramount may try and buy them out. They also own HBO, so I guess we’ll have early access to new movies and exclusive boxing matches?” Petunia pondered. “Although I hear the merger’s being worked out by, who would’ve guessed, a toon!”

“Really?” Jessica asked surprised.

“Ooh, I heard about this!” Roger stepped in. “Some old short guy called Thaddeus plplplplpl-Plotz right?”

I sighed heavily. “Don’t get your h-h-h-hopes up, I know the guy since the 30s. He may be a toon but whoever drew him probably wasn’t a-a-a-a-ny fun. He’s practically a cog. Although I heard B-b-b-Bugs convinced the board to elect Plotz, so he at least must know the business.”

“Huh, never heard of toons like those, unless they're drawn to be the bad guy,” Roger made a solid point. “Oh well! I heard you have a new job at Acme Loo?”

“Oh yeah, it’s great teaching the new kids, they’re barely sk-sk-sk-sketches,” I smiled. “The old gang is working there too. They’re thinking of filming a new show on campus, they got the same guy who made A Pup Named Scooby-Doo working with Sp-sp-sp-Spielberg. I guess someone noticed the success of your film and wanna have some new toons of their own.”

“Aw, that sounds swell!” Roger seemed interested in the concept. “Wanna head down to the Ink & Paint? I heard Bugs and Daffy were regulars there.”

That took me back a bit. “Uh, they u-u-u-used to, they stopped going after a while.”

“Well what for?”

I tried to come up with an answer not to give those two away directly. “Uh, d-d-d-disco died.”

They stared at me wondering just what the heck I meant by that. “Oh yeah, I missed disco too!” Roger said, apparently oblivious to what exactly I meant, although Jessica’s face read like she sorta understood.

“Well, I suppose we’re all ‘ friends of Dorothy ’ in a sense,” Jessica turned to Petunia. “How about you, future councilwoman of Acme Acres? Up for a little fun?”

Petunia smiled. “I could go for a little night on the town. After all, if it wasn’t for you two and your movie I doubt people would care about us toons.”

Bugs : The way I see Who Framed Roger Rabbit is like the assassination of the Archduke. War was inevitable, but it needed a spark to light the fire. Animation had been on the ropes for decades, but it would make a comeback, it just so happened that Roger and Jessica happened to be the spark. She was an ace icon before asexuality was even well known, just like how I was a drag icon before RuPaul put on training heels.

1987 - Toontown Towers Apartment Complex

As we hear Bob Hoskins scream falling down countless stories, Mickey looks a bit shocked. 

“Aw, poor fella, haha,” He nervously laughed.

“Yeah, ain’t a stinker?” I then munched on my carrot.

“And cut!” We heard Zemeckis call out on his megaphone as we land on the film set. Much of the crew had begun to disperse as filming wrapped up that day. Who would’ve thought that after all these years the big cheese and I would share the same screen? I guess when you got the guy who made Back to the Future directing and Richard Williams overlooking the animation, it’s a project so big that it’ll either bring make or break Disney.

“Oh boy that sure was fun Bugs!” Mickey said. 

I nodded in agreement. “Yeah, this gig sure beats whatever that new My Pretty Pony show is all about.”

“I think it’s called My Little Pony, ” the mouse corrected. “Plus I’ve met them once, for a bunch of ‘toy toons’ they're quite nice. Minnie and I are having a little get-together over in Mouseton with them and some of the others working on the movie , wanna stop by?”

I smirked. “Oh, is the Mayor of Toontown opening his doors to his old rival?”

The cherry mouse laughed. “Haha, oh you're such a kidder. I’m not even running for a third term, even though Donald thinks I can win in a landslide. Well, the invite’s there if you want it. See ya!” And he leaves, with plenty of his devoted followers not far behind. I had some fans like that, and it ain’t the same. With nothing much to do I head back to my trailer. Even though I’m only in this picture twice they offered it, and who am I to reject their generosity? Although it feels empty, some days I kinda wish that-”

“Well… well… well!” A certain duck finally enters back into my life. “Apparently someone forgot to give me my own trailer!”

I sighed and turned to Daffy, who must’ve just snuck in like he usually does. He had already finished filming his scene with Donald weeks ago but still hangs around. I guess it was wishful thinking that I could avoid him. “Daffy, you seem…well.”

“ ‘Well’ isn’t scratching the service bub!” He crossed his shoulders. “I’ve been excellent, working on my portfolio, getting deals and offers all around, you wouldn’t understand.”

I rolled my eyes. “Ah yes, considering that ‘both’ of us haven’t had a gig in years means I don’t understand.” Oh lord, it really has been that long, hasn’t it? Not since the funeral.

“Anyway, while I’m so much better off nowadays,” Daffy continued to gloat like he had anything to gloat about. “I always look out for the little guy, so maybe if say a certain rabbit were to let me crash at his place tonight I can snag him a dinner with George Lucas?”

I raised my eyebrows. “Ok doc, for starters, when you say dinner with George, I take it you mean just following him to wherever’s he’s gonna eat?”

Daffy raised his finger. “It ain’t ph-stalking if you aren’t caught.”

“No, I’m pretty sure that’s still stalking, please don’t do that.” I insisted. “And I also take it that Melissa Duck kicked you out again?”

Daffy sighed and relented. “Just one night? Until this whole thing blows over with her, it wasn’t even a fight, I just said that her beak was too big. I didn’t think she’d take it as an insult!”

“Did you mean it as a compliment?”

“No, I was just pointing it out. Have you seen her lately? It’s huge!”

I slap my face in grief, especially since they have the same beak size. “I can’t believe you sometimes.” Instinctively, I throw him my keys. “I’m heading to Mick’s party, so be gone by the time I’m back.”

Daffy raised an eyebrow. “Really, you’re going to a party hosted by the rat endorsed by Reagan?”

“Mickey and I already knew Ron back when he was a B-Film hotshot under Jack Warner’s thumb,” I argued. “And Mick dropped Reagan’s endorsement when he ran for a second term, he says he did it because he wanted to prove he didn’t need him.”

“Which he doesn’t,” Daffy noted.

“He’s Mickey Mouse, of course he doesn’t. And he realized that the man in the Oval Office is an idiot who's only making that idiotic drug war started by Nixon even worse while his shiny new economic policy is only gonna widen the income gap further. And since Ronnie’s been busying bombing Libya and getting friendly with Gorbachev, the mouse made the right choice not to associate himself. But I think the real reason why Mickey dropped him was when he found out about you and me.”

That stopped Daffy in his tracks. “Did he…mention us at all?”

“I think he cares, to an extent,” I sigh. “Mickey’s the face of Disney, he’s not gonna shout from the rooftops that ‘ Queers are alright, and Ronnie Reagan should fund more money for research on aids rather than let people die because they like the same sex and/or like cross dressing!’ ”

That last statement just left the both of us in uncomfortable silence. Thankfully Daffy wasn’t the type to go quiet for long. “Speaking of cross-dressing, why didn’t they let you wear anything in the movie?”

I simply shrugged. “Eh, under contract, I can only do the one scene with Mick, and wearing a wig while parachuting doesn’t make sense.”

Daffy abruptly pushed me aside and reached for my closet. “And yet you still bring 10 gowns?”

“I never leave home without them,” I defended myself.

“Well, wanna try them on for old time’s ph-sake?” He held out two dresses, one with frills and puffs galore and the other one was a slim cocktail dress. “If you want I can put one on too, just like back then on Disco nights.”

Seeing the glimmer on the sequins, I almost reach for them, only to stop myself midway. “I should get going Daff, I gotta go pick up Honey for the party.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Still seeing her?”

“She’s fun to be around when you’re not in the picture,” I shrugged.

Daffy looked like he wanted to ask more but shook his head. “Well you could wear the cocktail dress for the party,” he suggested, somewhat oblivious to the idea of me showing up to a party in a dress during this day and age. “Ah c’mon, why not put on the dress and dance the night away?”

I shook my head, much to Daffy’s disappointment. Not wanting to dawdle any longer, I head out the door, but take one last look back at Daffy. “It was nice catching up since Bob’s funeral.”

Daffy, taken back a bit, responded. “Yeah, i-it was.”

Daffy: … I don’t do funerals well alright?

May 5th, 1984 - Forest Hills Cemetery

They held the service a few days after his death. By the time Porky, Petunia, and I came most of the humans were gone, and the initial service concluded. Us toons aren’t stupid, we figured the humans should make their peace with the dead while the toons do things their way, and the death of a loved one wasn’t a laughing matter. (Bugs made that clear during Tex’s sendoff a few years back, even though I thought it was funny.)

Aside from close family members, we happened to run into Friz and Chuck, the latter of which surprised everyone when he decided to show up. Chuck and Bob hadn’t exactly left on the best of terms. There had been plenty of accusations on both sides on who should be credited with what, heck their rivalry was legendary in Toontown to the point some toons stopped talking to each other for years after they debated on who was the true creator of Bugs, or which director gave him his personality or wit or style. Personally, I couldn't care less, credit doesn’t matter when you're dead. And for what it’s worth, Chuck seemed to keep his pride in check for once. 

Friz chatted longer with Petunia while Porky and I went to see the grave, and lo and behold, the rabbit makes his appearance. Granted, he doesn’t seem to be in the mood to talk, so the three of us just stood silent in front of the recently dug plot of land with the new gravestone, ‘Robert E. “Bob” Clampett ’. I’m not one to stay quiet long, but apparently Porky dislikes it as well.

“It’s n-n-n-nice that the three of us are in the same place,” he smiled sadly. “Just wish it was under better circumstances.”

Bugs finally opened his mouth, sighing heavily. “... You said it doc, we really gotta stop meeting up during funerals,” he eyed me suspiciously. “Especially if a certain duck wouldn’t speak at the eulogy…”

“I showed up late didn’t I?” I snapped back. “And besides, I know Tex would’ve appreciated a good joke at his final send-off party.”

“Perhaps, but his family and loved ones deserve to grief first,” he asserted as much. “You going on a hair-brained rant on how he ditched us to work for MGM wasn’t exactly in good taste.”

“Well, how else are we going to get Warner Bros. attention?” I argued. “Every studio nowadays is making cartoons off of action figures and teddy bears instead of us.”

“They prefer to be called Care-Bears doc.”

“Black bears, panda bears, who cares!? This ain’t right! We used to be kings, Hollywood was ours but nowadays, half the animation work is being done overseas thanks to you and your-”

Bugs glared at me. “You’re really trying to pin that on me? Mickey was the one who fumbled that!”

I glared back. “If you actually ran for a third term, maybe the strike would’ve gone in our favor, but now things are worse than ever! People are losing their jobs to a bunch of runaway production studios in Asia-”

“I didn’t wanna run again, I was tired of being the guy in charge. Who would’ve known that things were going on a downward spiral right now?”

“Which is why they need us! The ph-studio already blew it with that E.T. video game and crashed the market along with Atari, they need us to save them from financial ruin! They can’t just use us for a bunch of stupid package films!”

“They won’t bring us back if you don’t know your place for once in your life doc!”

“My place?! Who are you to tell me what’s my place long ears ?!”

“Because I’m the most popular! I’m their mascot, I have good PR with them, you don’t! You’re still nothing to them!”

The air stood still as we gave each other the silent treatment once more following our shouting match. “... Really n-n-n-nice the three of us are together again.” Porky sighed sadly.

Some people are gone too soon, others we like to think so: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfbAAiL5ec8

Bugs: And you guys thought that people in this industry only experienced workplace issues nowadays, haha… oh lord this industry is a mess.

October 1982 - Marceline Dinner, Mouseton

“No more outsourcing! No more offshoring! No more filming ‘till they pay up!”

We stare out the window looking over a passing protest in the streets. They’ve gotten fairly heated in recent weeks, mostly cause word is that the union won’t fight back (more like can’t). We both sighed heavily, two film icons that had seen better days. 

“Need some more coffee sugar?” The black and white cow toon asked both of us in the booth softly, probably less ‘cause she was looking to snag another tip and more likely ‘cause her sound hadn’t been updated since the 30s and sounded like an old record.

“Thank you, haha,” Mickey nodded as she poured him another cup.

“I’m good, maybe a slice of carrot cake hon?”

The waitress jotted it down on her notepad and headed back into the kitchen.

“Nice place, though I don’t recall it in any of your shorts or films,” I pointed out, taking in the scope of the old-timey diner that looked like it jumped out of an Edward Hopper painting.

“One of the few things I got the company to make to get that ‘Marceline, Missouri’ spirit. Thanks for stopping by on short notice,” Mickey continued. “I’m stressed out, this strike is getting worse, and I can’t see a resolution that’ll come out well for the animators.”

I giggled dryly. “He-he, I heard during the walkout at Disney that one of the animators jumped on Ron Miller’s car.”

“Yeah, it was hard to convince Ron to negotiate afterward, even if he is- I mean was Walt’s son-in-law,” the mouse corrected himself glumly. “He and Roy Jr. have been butting heads and I can’t get a moment’s peace.”

I sighed heavily thinking about the whole mess. “Yeah, I had to deal with the Hanna-Barbera strike back in ‘79, and since then it’s just gotten worse. For carrot’s sake, a few decades ago we owned the world, nowadays 80% of all animation work done by these studios is done outside the U.S. where they pay artists in pennies for characters, props, and backgrounds included. And the Motion Picture Screen Cartoonist Local 839 can’t compete with the studios' thanks to our illustrious president and your endorser being not pro-union,” I snarked at the mouse, who shrank back a bit.

“I-I didn’t think about it like that, Ronald said he’d make America great again.”

“That’s what they all say Doc,” I rolled my eyes. “They imply that they didn’t think this country was great to begin with and want to have things their way and screw everyone else over.”

“How was I supposed to know that it would come to this? To people leaving the union, people leaving the industry, people I’ve looked up to and seen grown in their art and craft only to be brought down by corporate politics,” Mickey looked down, possibly out of shame. “I wish I was half the mayor you were, but I’d be lucky if I got reelected…”

I looked down on the little guy, mostly ‘cause I was taller, but also I sorta pitied him. No toon in their right mind would want this responsibility, not even the most popular one out of all of us.

“You’ll be fine, you’re Mickey Mouse,” I reassured him. “Just focus on your image, being a man of the people during these trying times. Besides, I was mayor for 8 years, and most of the issues you’re dealing with I never did much to fix during my terms, so if anything you can put the blame on me.”

Mickey snapped back up. “I would never!”

“To be fair I didn't exactly try to close off the borders and keep animation centralized, heck I passed a law that opened the floodgates for toons from other nations to come over-“

“And gave all these new toons the opportunity for a wider audience,” Mickey argued. “What kind of friend would I be if I pinned this on you?”

I couldn't help but giggle a bit. “Haha, you know Mick, you’re too good for this job.”

He smirked back. “Gosh, I kinda wish Daffy won instead, haha! Speaking of, how is he?”

That caused my smile to fade. “We’re… not on speaking terms right now.”

Mickey mirrored my expression. “Aw, you two seemed like such a good pair though...”

My eyes widened at that remark. Surely he didn’t know, maybe it's just phrasing. “Y-yeah, we were.”

Porky: I do sometimes wonder what would happen if D-d-d-Daffy won. 

November 4th, 1980 - Toontown City Hall

“And I want to thank Mr. Reagan for being a generous supporter, haha!” Mickey laughed nervously at the podium. “I remember him when he was one of the hosts on the Disneyland TV show on the park’s opening day, next thing you know he becomes Governor of California and now President. Gosh, what a ride! But enough about him, I wanted to give my thanks to my opponent, you should put up a heck of a fight Daffy!”

While Mickey was quite sincere, Daffy wasn’t laughing, and while most of the crowd was generally cheering, I could make out some mean-spirited snickering in the background. Of course, Daffy leaves before the mouse finishes his speech, with me and his campaign manager not far behind.

“Well, we gave it our best shot,” Petunia said. “Granted, cops don’t have the best PR right now, sorry Porky.”

“No, I g-g-g-get it, the 70s weren’t the best for cops either.” I turned to Bugs. “Well hey, at least you didn’t go up against Bugs this time.

“Only because that rabbit is still avoiding me!” Daffy shot back. “I swear, one night, and he thinks he’s too good for me, well jokes on him, I’m too good for him! He wishes he could've run against me!”

Petunia raised her hand. “Didn’t he already do that in ‘72? And he beat you pretty hard only to face off against Mickey in the primaries?”

“Also didn’t Bugs try to st-st-st-stop you giving a eulogy at Tex’s funeral earlier this year, and you went off the rails in front of his g-g-g-grieving friends and family?”

“And weren’t you the one to leave Bugs?” Petunia added.

Daffy, not willing to argue with the facts, grumbled off. “You know what, forget politics, you can mess around with this, but I’m better than this.” The duck removes his tie and at first seems to throw it to me, only for the wind to plow it to Petunia, who grabs it rather instinctively. She tries to give it back, but he already leaves our field of view.

Petunia sighs. “I told Daffy during the debate that he should make the argument that ACT ain’t so bad, they’re just trying to keep educational shows like Schoolhouse Rock and Mister Roger’s Neighborhood on the air. Plus I’m sure plenty of toons don’t want shows to be just half-hour commercials for toys and cereal.”

“Well, here’s hoping that when R-r-r-Reagan takes over, big companies won’t be in charge of making toons,” I reply, confident that won’t happen.

Petunia kept staring at the tie, smiling to herself. “You know, I heard Acme Acres could use some new leadership.”

Bugs: To this day, I still think Petunia would win the mayor’s seat if she ever tried. She just happened to enjoy her position. And speaking as a former mayor, it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

God I love disco: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CS9OO0S5w2k

August 1979 - The Ink & Paint, Downtown Los Angeles

“Ah, Mr. Bunny, right this way…”

When I showed up at the door, Bongo the gorilla bouncer led me to our usual booth that overlooked much of the club. To my surprise, the club was far more empty than usual. Not even Huckleberry Hound was around, and he never missed a night out. What catches my eye is some of the decorative mirrors and strobe lights were removed, which wasn’t a good sign. I turn to the booth and see another toon sitting next to Daffy, one that’s smoking a Cuban cigar and only the size of a baby. Actually, it was a baby.

“... Listen Duck, I don’t care if you and your little ‘ hunny bunny ’ got complaints, I got a business to run here,” Baby Herman said.

Daffy’s expression turned from annoyed to angry. “For starters, Honey Bunny doesn’t come here that often, Bugs does. And he and I come here to blow off steam, so you better not take down that disco ball!”

My eyes widened at the sound of this. “Hold on a sec doc, what’s all about?” I asked the small club owner, who took his cigar out of his mouth and pointed it to the rest of the venue. 

“You see that crowd out there?”

Daffy and I both look out and see a nightclub that was only about half full at best, and half empty at worse. It’s not as if it’s completely dead, Mystery Inc. was at their usual booth flirting with one another. Wonder Woman was at the bar with a new date, some manga star called Oscar who was getting her own series in October, one about Versailles and a rose. Boy, they sure do draw those toons over in Japan differently. Down on the dance floor Gumby was boogieing with Koko the Clown. The rest of the occupants were your standard extra characters, the ones who fill the background and aren’t remembered. They can enjoy a degree of more freedom than any IPs that are still valuable to the studio, simply because the studio doesn’t care about them. Granted this was a far cry from back earlier in the summer, especially on a Saturday night.

“Exactly,” Baby Herman blew out another cloud of smoke. “I haven’t seen a drop in attendance this bad since that White guy shot Milk and Moscone up in Frisco a year back.”

That was a touchy subject. I remember meeting Harvey once, it was after Jack Warner’s death and while I was ready to celebrate, duty called. We teamed up to defeat Proposition 6, spearheaded by John Briggs and Anita Bryant with her lousy Save our Children campaign that tried to ban gays and lesbians from teaching in public schools. Milk was a swell guy, too optimistic for his own good, and a big comics fan. Soon enough we got support from President Carter and even former Governor Reagan (that came out of nowhere), and after defeating 6 I introduced him to Micheal Doonesbury and the Peanuts gang, he got along pretty well with Linus and Woodstock. Last I heard his ashes were interred with Doonesbury comic strips.

“Pfft, or earlier this May when they let White go because of some ph-stupid ‘ Twinkie defense ’ and everyone rioted,” Daffy grumbled. “Ph-seriously, I eat tons of snacks, but you don’t see me trying to kill Bugs. I already try to do that plenty of times on an empty stomach and not on a ph-sugar high!”

“And this time there ain’t even a riot this time!” Herman pointed out. “At least the strike over at Hanna-Barbera put on a show.”

“Did Disco Demolition Night not count?” I snarked, recalling how that whole baseball game went off the rails last month. Normally I enjoy a bit of chaos but not one where a bunch of angry white male rock n’ roll fans chant ‘ Disco Sucks! ’ while breaking vinyls.

“Oh please, the White Sox will do anything to stay relevant,” Daffy rolled his eyes. “I bet the next stunt they’ll pull is to bring on some basketball player.”

“Don’t care about baseball or basketball, what I care about is making money,” Herman coughed loudly, still holding his cigar in his mouth. “I let you fairies have your fun here so long as you pay up, but I ain’t running no damn charity. Your lot can crawl over to Chippendale's if they’ll let you inside.”

I gulped, knowing well enough that this was the only place outside Toontown that respected the two rules ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell ’. “Relax doc, the whole scene is being gentrified by ABBA and Bee Gees. They’ve done it before with Rock and turned Soul into Blue Eyed Soul, give it time they’ll cool down.” Huh, now that I think about it, that also sounded too optimistic.

Herman raised his eyebrow at me. “And why should I listen to you, Mr. Mayor ?” That wasn’t a good sign. The tyke and I agreed never to bring up my political office when inside the club. Why else do I bribe him to keep quiet?

“Now listen here Hermy ,” I debate him. “Keep the disco ball, it ain’t hurting no one.”

The baby shrugged. “Sure, why not? If a certain rabbit paid for the expenses…” he curled his lips upward and reached into his diaper. “Just imagine what would happen if word got out that you and feathers were regulars here, especially during ‘ couple’s nights ’?”

Usually, I can keep a cool head and calm face, it’s half the reason I got elected, but I started to feel my pupils shrink the second I saw the shifty little monster pull out a hefty stack of Polaroids of me and Daffy in them. Some of which has us in our best dresses, and some show us going way past handholding and patty-cake (yeah, I know what you’re thinking about you sick freaks, nuzzling ).

I gulped. “I-I don’t recognize those two.”

“Oh relax,” the baby said. “Just a little ‘insurance’ policy in case, and you ain’t the only one I got photos of, how else do you think I got ownership of this joint?”

“Please,” Daffy interjected and turned to me. “First off, don't try to diss ABBA and Bee Gees they’re future icons,” then turned back to Herman. “And second, you can’t prove that’s me in those photos! Ph-Sure, Bugs may be harder to disprove, but-”

BAM! 

Goddamn this still slaps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dYWe1c3OyU

We all jumped at the sound of the doors being busted wide open. Soon enough we start to hear the sounds of walkie-talkies and gruff men barking. “LAPD! This club is shut down until further notice!”

Naturally, everyone began to scream and head for the nearest exit, especially the more notable cartoon stars. Nobody wants to find out that their favorite toon celebrity was caught in a club filled with queers, drugs, and plenty of explicit activity ranging from cuddling and even kissing (I see you. I know what you expected, you people are degenerates). 

“Aw crap!” Baby Herman cried. “I ain’t paid property taxes for months. Bongo, hit the lights!” Everyone scatter! ”

The lumbering ape nodded silently and climbed onto the booth railing and swung from one of the low-hanging curtains and reached for a panel on the ceiling, opening it and pulling a lever, leaving much of the Ink & Paint in pitch black.

I turn around and see Daffy panic, or at least his white bulbous eyes floating in the darkness. “I can’t go back to jail! My agent said I can’t afford any more write-ups!”

Rolling my eyes, I grab his arm and drag him down to the floor level just as the cops start charging in with flashlights and batons. Once I got a good sense of solid ground, I did what rabbits did best (aside from making more rabbits) and started digging. 

I was no stranger to digging my way out of pesky situations, I’ve been doing so for the past 40 years, so getting past the hardwood floor and concrete was taxing but doable. About a minute and passing through the basement and cellar, I keep digging down until I start to go up, then see a light. I pop out of the hole to gather our bearings, seeing that we wound up in the alleyway behind the club. 

“Nice save back there,” Daffy said, brushing the dirt and dust off himself. “Could’ve been a bit cleaner…”

“Like you had a better idea,” I shot back. Overhearing the sounds of patrons yelling and being nabbed inside, I realize it’s not the best place to chat right now. “We should split up, I head up the alley, you go down.”

Daffy crossed his arms. “Oh really? Well, what if I wanna head up?”

I squeeze the bridge of my nose. “We have a better chance of getting away!”

“Why not go together?! Aren’t we a ride-or-die type of relationship?”

“This is not the time to debate-”

BANG!

Our heads turn to the backdoor and catch a glimpse of a silhouette emerging from the doorway. My ears start to flop down out of fear. Is this shame? Why do I have to feel shameful about this? Well at least I go down with my fellow co-star.

“Take Bugs, not me!”

Daffy shoves me towards the door and bolts up the street, out of my field of view. So much for being my ride-or-die.

“... B-b-b-Bugs?”

My face starts to wince as I slowly start to turn back, recognizing that stutter almost immediately. Now I’m face to face with my chief of police. 

“H-Hey Porky…” I smile nervously. 

Even though I’m taller than him and technically his boss, Porky dressed in full riot gear with a baton in his hand managed to make me feel far smaller in comparison. This certainly wasn’t how I wanted to come out.

“Wh-wh-wh-what the heck are you doing here?! Are you a…? N-n-n-not that I’m saying that’s bad or anything! I m-m-m-mean…oh geez…”

I sighed and rubbed the back of my head. “Yeah, I-I am.” 

“B-b-b-but you and Honey are-”

“It’s more like a ‘lavender’ relationship, although I have plenty of fun with her too sometimes,” I clarify as I hold out both my arms. “I guess this is the part where you cuff me.”

Hesitant to cuff me, Porky stepped back a bit. “I-I-I-I don’t… I can’t! The LAPD told me we were just gonna ask Baby Herman about his tax returns, not arrest anyone else! I would never have sent the Toontown PD down here as backup if I knew-”

“Don’t let me stop you,” I speak louder. “It’s not as if someone will come to my rescue!” I directed my voice towards the dumpster hugging the wall up the alley.

“Anyone at all? A dashing hero perhaps?! I’m not picky!”

The only response I get is an empty can rolling down the pavement.

Porky still remains confused, less about my sexuality and more so about why I was bringing more attention to us. “Uh…B-b-b-Bugs?”

“Oh whatever shall I do?!” Why isn’t he coming out? “Preferably a handsome black duck with an orange beak?! Whose so full of himself even when I’m telling him compliments he’s been wanting for decades?!”

It’s still silent, but Porky eventually caught on. “I thought I h-h-h-heard someone familiar earlier. D-d-d-Daffy, is that you?”

“DANG IT BUGS!” Ah, the duck of the hour finally pops out of his hiding place. “Why’d you have to bring me into this?”

“Well so much for having my back doc!” I shout back. “You’re lucky that it’s Porky, but if it were anyone else would you still have hidden?”

Daffy crossed his arms. “Of course not, I would've run up the street and caught a cab, what are you nuts?!”

“You are so selfish, you know that?! It's as if I'm the only one putting effort into this!”

Daffy, taken aback, pulls from his back pocket the stack of photos Baby Herman had. “You know, I didn’t have to nab this from that toddler, but I did it for you…” 

He shoved the stack of Polaroids to me. I couldn’t really muster a response, did he really do that for me?

Porky looked back and forth between us, then took a gander at the photos in my hands. “... Oh my g-g-g-gosh. You two are t-t-t-together?!”

“Not anymore bub!” Daffy storms off. “I ain’t letting this rabbit drag me down with him! Have fun explaining this to the press!”

“Daffy wait-!” I blurt out.

“I’ll pick up my ph-stuff when I get home…” He trailed off as he reached the street, hailing for a taxi.

I was really more sad than angry, but I wasn’t gonna let him get the best of me. “F-fine by me! You can grab your stuff once I chuck it out my window!” I shot back and ran off in the opposite direction. Hearing Porky in the background, I can make out other voices, apparently, he was leading them back into the club. Guess I owe him one for that. 

Daffy: I didn’t think disco was that fun at first. There was one hook about it though.

They truly are queens: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFrGuyw1V8s

September 26th, 1977 - The Ink & Paint

All the lights dimmed down around us, except for the spotlight. There in the center of the dance floor on the elevated platform that singers from Jessica Rabbit to Nina Simone performed on, surrounded by a crowd of toons from all studios and shows and films, my partner and I made it clear that we were truly the queens of the ball. True, we had some competition, Woody Woodpecker put up a good fight, but no one could match our presentation, as we strolled down that runway, posing like we owned that room and everyone in it, and boy did the crowd cheer us on as we flaunted in our dresses. (If you ask me, the reason why he floored Woody was personal). 

Bugs chose the black cocktail style with the sequins, knowing darn well that’s the one I liked, complete with a blonde wig and accompanying makeup. I chose a more traditional gown that swooshed all around whenever I twirled, along with a brunette perm with mascara and lipstick to match. Once the music kicked up a notch, we danced the night away, at first like we were trying to show up over the other, competing amongst ourselves to see who was the one wearing the pants in this relationship, even though we weren’t wearing any tonight. (In hindsight, we don’t really wear pants at all, or clothes in general). But as much as we had fun playing around, we had to end the show, so we grabbed each other’s waist and slowed down a bit, taking one step after the other, in perfect harmony, and stopped only to be greeted by thunderous applause.

We took our trophy at the bar. Bugs, still giddy after what just occurred, treated himself to jugging down a glass of hard carrot liqueur. “Ah! That hits the spot.”

“Yeah, I worked up a ph-sweat,” I added. “You ph-seemed to be in the zone tonight.”

Bugs sighed. “Maybe it’s the second-term jitters, everyone expects me to try and do more, but honestly I couldn't care less.”

“ You did pretty well with those new immigration laws to give Anime toons a bigger platform, and you’ve helped fund the Toontown Theatre Troupe that helps give toons out of work another chance to act. Why’d you bother running again?”

Bugs shrugged. “It was kinda fun, gave me something to do while we’re semi-retired. Also, it was mostly to annoy you,” he smirked at me, wiggling his eyebrows.

I rolled my eyes. “I still think you cheated, and you know that look only works with Honey.”

“I think I’m starting to catch on, aren’t I?” his arm drapes over my shoulders and pulls my body in closer. 

Dang it, I refuse to fall into his arms this easily!

“Yeah, well two can play at that game Bugsy old pal…” I take a step further and pull his legs over my lap.

Bugs begins to blush hard, to the point where he didn’t need to put on rouge. “H-here? Really? It’s a bit more public for patty-cake don’t you think d-doc?”

I raise an eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure I saw people upstairs making out in one of the booths, by the way, we need to get one of our own.”

“I’ll ask Baby Herman later, but right now…” His hand cups my face and right before my beak meets his whiskers, his face starts to twist, with his eyes moving away from mine and starting behind me. “Is that Tweety Bird?”

I turn my head around to see the little yellow bird floating around near the dance floor. Aside from me and Bugs, Tweety was the only one out of the old gang that came down here. But the tiny bird whose gender was ambiguous at best had a far more somber expression on their face, so that wasn’t a good sign. Eventually, they noticed us and flew in our direction.

“Oh, thank goodness I found you two!” Tweety chirped out.

“Aw, what’s wrong little guy?” Bugs asked. 

“Ph-sad you missed the performance?” I would be upset as well having to miss out on the highlight of the night.

Tweety just shook their head, seemingly ready to shed tears. “I-it’s not that, it’s Wobert!”

“... The heck’s a wobert ?” I asked.

“I heard wombat ,” Bugs said. “Though I’m pretty sure Taz is-”

“Mr. McKimson!” Tweet clarified. “I heard it from Gwanny, she said that he was having lunch with Mr. DePatie and Mr. Freleng, and he…he…” Their eyes turned more watery as he went on.

I looked back at Bugs, whose ears started to droop down, and soon he clutched the tiny bird and held him tight, and I could tell in the look on Bugs’ face that this was bad. I didn’t know what type of face I was making, but I guess I don’t mourn as much.

Porky: N-n-n-n-No toon really is to handle the loss of a creator you knew. We just hope they live a good life, and I think Robert did.

November 1973 - Toontown Neighborhood Network sound stage

“And welcome back to TNN Tonight!” The local late-night host, Snagglepuss, spoke to the cameraman and the live studio audience before turning me. “With me is none other than the new captain of the Toontown Police Department, Mr. Porky Pig!”

“It’s a p-p-p-pleasure, Snagglepuss.” I wave nervously at the camera.

“Along with the Mayor of Toontown, Mr. Bugs Bunny!”

The room erupts in cheers as Bugs holds ups his gloved hands in peace signs. “Thank you my public!”

Snagglepuss raises his hand to silence the room. “Now Mayor Bunny-

“Aren’t you forgetting someone?” Bugs answered quickly.

“Hmm?” Our host looked up from his desk. “Oh right, who could forget the Speaker of the Board of Council members, Mr. Daffy Duck!”

The speaker in question rolled his eyes and crossed his arms as the audience was silent as usual. “Pfft, now they notice…”

“Anyhoo,” Snagglepuss turned back to Bugs. “Mr. Mayor, after President Nixon’s speech at the Walt Disney World resort claiming that he was ‘ not a crook ’ during his impeachment process, how will you ensure that the people can trust their politicians?” 

My seat was right next to his, being promoted to Captain of the Toontown Police Department so hastily already raised some eyebrows in the crowd of the live studio audience. I wasn’t really the type of toon to handle live crowds versus a film set, but even I could sense that Bugs was a bit shaken, especially since right next to him.

“Well Snag,” Bugs began. “For starters, I wanna offer Mickey my sympathy, can’t imagine having to cross paths with Richard more than once.”

“ Ha-ha! ” That got a good chuckle out of the audience

“But in all seriousness, I can confidently say that with Porky in charge of law enforcement, we won’t have to worry about any wrong doing. His promotion was long overdue.

“ Aw… ” The crowd expressed, causing me to blush a bit.

“And as for corruption, I’ve made sure that me and the board -”

“Ahem!” The duck spoke up. “As ph-speaker of the Board of Council members, I can personally say that no corruption of any sort is found there. However…!” Oh no not again. “It’s clear that we can’t trust our presidents, so why should we trust this rabbit?” He pointed at Bugs.

Bugs sighed and rolled his eyes. “Daffy, I’ve told you once, I’ve told you-”

“If that old Tricky Dick can wiretap a bunch of Democrats at the Watergate Hotel, who’s to say that the rabbit didn’t do the ph-same?!”

While some in the audience gasped or murmured concerns about election fraud, much of the crowd just groaned at the same old accusation.

“Well someone’s a sore loser,” Bugs joked, causing the audience to laugh once more. “I appointed you as speaker, what more do you want?”

“To be mayor bub!”

I sighed as they continued their argument back and forth. I had gotten used to it by now, whether those two are put together in the same room, they can’t help but grab all the attention. Soon enough the cameras stop filming, and we all headed backstage when Bugs and Daffy trailed off to their own thing, still arguing.

“Can’t keep your beak shut even when we’re live can you?”

“Oh, that’s rich! You wanna try to shut me up?”

“Maybe I will Doc!” Bugs says as he grabs Daffy’s arms and pulls him into the nearby broom closet, shutting the door behind them.

“They do know that’s a broom closet right?” Snag asked.

I sighed. “Just give them a m-m-m-minute, they always do this kinda thing.”

Snag raised an eyebrow. “... You don’t say?”

“Y-y-y-yep, every time the two of them are together they argue, it’s only just recently that they’ve decided to s-s-s-sneak off and handle their differences elsewhere.”

BANG! We start to hear the commotion on the other side of the door.

 “ That’s all you got?! Come at me rabbit! ” 

“With pleasure…”

“Yeah, seems like they’re gonna be in there for a while…” Snagglepuss rolled his eyes, I wonder why?

“W-w-w-wanna wait for them?”

“Nah, let’s go, they can join us for the after-party, hope you like Disco.” Huh, wonder what that is? Sounds like fun.

It was: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vTKmVvyNRc

To be continued...

Chapter Text

Bugs: Man things were rough by the time the 60s rolled in.

September 20, 1969 - Toontown Movie Palace

“When I say I’m cutting out, I mean I’m cutting out.” Cool Cat uses a pair of scissors to cut a hole in the film and exits stage left. “ So cool it now, ya hear?” 

As the screen fades to black, the Merrie Melodies theme plays, for probably a long time, while as the sole members of the audience in the dilapidated theater, Daffy and I grumbled at what was advertised as the 1000th cartoon short by the studio, and it's last. 

“Well, that ph-sucked…”

I sighed. “I’ll admit, it was not their best. Also, wasn’t Injun Trouble originally the title of one of Porky’s films?”

“Two actually,” Daffy clarified. “The original in 1938, then they remade it when Porky got a color job, and it was renamed Wagon Heels. ”

“Right, I almost forgot.” Now I remember the shorts in question, both of which did not age well, though this new short seemed even more flawed. At least Injun Joe in Wagon Heels was drawn as a force to be reckoned with. “Hey Daff, were we always that… bigoted ?”

“Nah, we were worse, remember All This and Rabbit Stew?” 

I shivered at the memory. “Don’t remind me, it almost makes me wish that Peggy Charen and her new parent group censored my shorts. I can’t believe that was the last film I worked on with Tex before he left…”

 “At least you got to work with him a few years back on those Kool-Aid ads…,” Daffy grumbled and turned away, still hurt by Tex’s departure even after all these years. “And while we have been incredibly offensive, at least we put in the effort animation wise. This is just lame!” He stood up and threw his stale popcorn at the screen, which began to play the latest newsreel ‘News on the March!’ that played the major headlines over the summer, kicking off with the latest updates on Vietnam. “Seriously, this ‘ Cool Cat ’ has none of the coolness of The Pink Panther, but they replaced us with him and a bunch of other losers?!”

“Well, it ain’t the worst flick either,” I argued. “Remember See Ya Later, Gladiator ?” 

Daffy gasped audibly. “You promised you never bring up that short…!”

I smirked. “I promised Speedy that I wouldn’t bring it up to him, never promised you anything.”

Daffy groaned and sat back down. “Oh stuff a carrot in it. At least me, Speedy, the Roadrunner, and Wile E. Coyote stuck around till the very end while you and everyone else left.”

“I had no choice in that,” I reiterated. “Jack Warner screwed over everyone, and Albert just died from a stroke so no one could stand up to him. I legally couldn’t come back, and, you four were the only ones they could use until they had to make new toons. Poor guys.”

He crossed his arms. “Since when do you care about them?”

“I feel bad for them,” I simply shrugged. “From what I heard McKimson was brought back once Alex Lovy left. Robert was practically manning a sinking ship.” The man was at the studio from the very start with Bosko as an ink-and-paint guy for Sinkin’ in the Bathtub back in 1930. 39 years and 1000 shorts later he left as the director for Injun Trouble with Cool Cat. He worked on better stuff in between, but you gotta give credit where credit’s due. “They were drawn to replace us, only that they didn’t have much personality or charisma, no one cared about them, and now we’re all out of a job. . ”

“Pfft, speak for yourself, you’re looking at the future mayor of Toontown.”

“… you know the next election ain’t for another three years right Doc?”

“Never too late to start early,” Daffy grinned. “Plus now that Porky’s working on the force, I can use the good PR as his best friend.”

“I still wonder why he went back to that line of work,” I pondered.

Daffy shrugged. “He used to work as a bodyguard on the studio lot before Friz discovered him, plus he thinks he can make a difference on the force, be a symbol for good or whatever…”

“.... Armstrong, Aldrin, and Collins are set to begin their world tour after their return from the moon. ” The newsreel kept playing in the background.

“Bunch of amateurs…” Daffy sneered. “JFK promised me I’d be the first one to go to the moon. Let Duck Dodgers plant the flag!”

I rolled my eyes. “You met him once, and he only told you that so that you’d stop bothering his dinner with Marilyn before the Secret Service kicked you out of the restaurant.”

“Yeah well LBJ should’ve honored the agreement before he gave up the Oval Office to Nixon,” Daffy argued while pointing to the screen. “Oh hey, look!”

I stared at the screen with the screaming headline, ‘SEXUAL DEVIANTS IN NEW YORK DIVIDED!? ’ “Oh brother…” I sighed sadly, the only news source that bothered reporting on what happened, and they call us ‘deviants’ ?

“Well, at least it wasn’t the other word…” Daffy mentioned, seemingly able to read my mind.

“ Following the riot at the Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village, many young homosexuals and crossdressers call for more action, while the older generation wishes to remain in the closet- ”

“About time!” Daffy grinned and turned to me excitedly. “The humans finally got the right idea in their heads. What do you say? Wanna head down to the Ink & Paint? I heard the new owner Baby Herman opened up a ‘ couple’s night ’ for toons like us and I wanna show you off like my trophy.”

I tense up, shifting slowly away. “I don’t know Daff, this old place is so empty that no one will see us, why try and tell everyone?” I gestured to the nearly empty movie palace. “We only just started meeting up like this and I don’t want that to go away-”.

“You’d rather just do this?” Daffy argued. “Watch a bunch of old films and eat stale popcorn? Termite Terrace is long gone, Jack’s retiring and selling the whole studio off, and no one’s making shorts anymore. Heck no one watches newsreels anymore, we got TV for that! And sure, Action For Children’s Television might be a pain but at least they're focusing on superhero cartoons. I say we enjoy our retirement before The Kinney National Company calls us back.” His eyes started at me tenderly so. “I heard he got Nina Simone to sing tonight…”

Huh, he wasn’t wrong, for once. Aside from the occasional commercial, the company couldn't care less about me, so why should I care about them? “Alright, but you’re paying.”

I feel that this playlist is pretty good: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHRNrgDIJfo  

Daffy: Bugs will never admit it, but I was the one to help him come out of his shell.

November 1966 - Gold Key Comic Book Photoshoot, Los Angeles

“Alright Phil, let’s do this one more time,” Bugs calls out to the cameraman and everyone gets in position, while I sat to the side. I wasn’t in this one in this month’s issue, that honor went to a new face, or rather a redesigned one. 

“ Oh Bugs… How wonderful! You’re our new sheriff! ” Honey Bunny exclaimed, or rather she speech bubbled. As a comic book character, she doesn’t have a Vitaphone Sound system, so aside from writing on paper, the only way for toons like her to communicate is through physical speech bubbles she’s able to conjure up. Other toons can learn how to do it too, for example…

“And I’m appointing you as my special deputy Honey, ” Bugs was also fluent in speech bubbles,  as Phil DeLara, Honey’s new designer and head photographer, captured the poses on camera.

“Me? But I don’t know anything about bringing in crooks, Bugs!” 

“You don’t have to…”

Moving onto the next scene, Honey comes into the mock sheriff station with a basket of carrots. 

“That’s it, Honey Bunny - All my special deputy has to do is bring in the carrots!”

Honey Bunny giggles , and soon after Phil calls it a day, most of the work crew disperses. I tap my foot impatiently as Bugs and Honey are in the middle of a conversation, much of it I can’t tell since they opted to use their hands to communicate. They keep staring back and forth at me, as Honey seemingly looked annoyed but amused. Finally, they finished and Bugs walked me home. 

“You two seem to be getting along…” I cross my arms.

“Yeah, she’s just upset her first role as my female counterpart is to bring me food. Poor girl probably won’t be any short films though if I ain’t.”

I smirked to myself. “Hah! Look who got kicked out of the ph-studio and who they kept.”

Bugs rolled his eyes. “Sure doc. By the way, she knows about us.”

That stopped me in my tracks. “... How long?!”

“A while, she only pinned it together after the studio shut down but before DePatie-Freleng was brought in.” 

I raised an eyebrow. “Back when ph-she was ph-still your cousin-”

“ Up up up! ” Bugs waved his hands to stop me going any further. “She hasn’t been in anything for 13 years, I didn’t know her that well to begin with, and we’re drawings, so it’s not like we’re blood related-”

“Ink related,” I smirked. “Plus McKimson made her and helped make you so-”

“We’re not getting into that alright?!” Bugs blushed. “McKimson helped design you too, so what does that make us, huh?!”

Man I love holding this over his smug face, but I move on to more pressing matters (Plus I don’t want to think about the implications that we’re related). “Ph-So… is she okay with us?”

Bugs nodded. “Yep, though she wants me on Wednesdays and every other weekend.”

“I gotta ph-share custody now?!” I shrieked. “What is this ph-Soviet Russia!?”

“Don’t make this weirder than it is…” he sighed. “And look, I’m Bugs Bunny, I can have my carrot cake and eat it too.”

I squinted at him. “Well what if I want you all to myself?”

“Oh please, you still see Melissa sometimes. I’m making time for you right now aren’t I?”

I hate it when he’s right. “You’re lucky I have a date with Melissa this ph-Saturday.”

“Yeah, I gotta meet up with the mayor this weekend.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What does Betty Boop want?”

“Something about integration,” Bugs shrugged. “ Brown v. Board of Education passed years ago, but apparently, some public schools outside Toontown are still refusing students enrollment. Plus she and Mickey want to review immigration law, Mighty Atom wants a visa.

“Mighty who?”

“Astro Boy,” he clarified. “Osamu Tezuka and Walt met each other back in the World’s Fair in New York so they wanna talk about a potential project, plus they wanna help out this other Jap toon called Mach GoGoGo take off.” 

I shivered. It’s not like I dislike those Japanimation toons, but they freak me out.“Ph-say, where is Mickey anyway? I haven’t ph-seen him around town in ages.”

“Eh, he’s busy with Walt working on that city of the future in Florida. Last I met him he said that Walt had a health scare but should be fine,” he headed for the door. “Are you coming?”

“Alright, let’s head home before dark, they may have just lifted the curfew on toons but better ph-safe than ph-sorry. Let’s avoid Watts on the way though, it’s only gotten worse since the riots.”

Porky: I’m still u-u-u-upset I was the last to know!

July 1962 -  Warner Bros. Cartoons, Sound Stage 1

Ready to fire his rifle, Bugs kisses the top of Daffy’s forehead and zooms off-screen. After shoving a carrot into the gun barrel and after getting blasted, the duck shouts “ Oooh, I LOVE him! ”

Gosh, they really are good friends, aren’t they? I watch the filming for The Iceman Ducketh behind the cameramen and the director’s chair, which was missing its director. I wonder where Chuck was today?

“I saw a guy do this in a toothpaste ad once,” Bugs dumps the water bucket and creates a shield of ice, and unable to stop his skis Daffy landed face-first into it. 

I suppress a laugh watching their banter on and off camera. As much as I love my routine with Daffy and think the two of us have a great time together, I can’t deny that he and Bugs have something special. 

“CUT!”

Filming is cut short when Maurice Noble, Chuck’s right-hand man, paused the production to deliver some news to the crew, and it wasn’t good.

Bugs: Understatement of the century doc.

Porky: Most d-d-d-definitely. 

“How could they fire Chuck?!” Bugs yelled as we went left work early today in my car alongside Daffy. Not wanting to head home right away, we just drive to anywhere but Burbank.

“H-h-h-h-He was in breach of contract!” I tried to explain while manning the wheel. “The studio found out that he was working for UPA writing the screenplay for that new movie with Judy Garland-”

“Don’t remind me!” Daffy grumbled in the passenger seat. “Can’t believe he got his wife to write it, only for Warner Bros. to pick up distribution rights and find out he was working with a rival studio? What kind of sick joke is that?!”

“Don’t badmouth Dorothy!” Bugs blurted out angrily. “She and Chuck made their choice, it’s fine, it’s all fine…”

Sensing his tone wasn’t fine, I had to ask. “How’re you holding up B-b-b-Bugs?”

I looked back through the rearview mirror and saw the rabbit just stare out the window and into the city going by. “Great, peachy…” He said sarcastically as ever.

“Sure, he got fired for going to UPA, and now his entire unit including Maurice is gonna be laid off after this short is done. The studio itself was already going downhill, and now Chuck will be going to MGM to work on new Tom and Jerry Shorts, just another thing those two stole from me, but aside from all that, I’m fantastic!”

I gulped.  “I m-m-m-mean it ain’t the first time Chuck left-”

“LOOK OUT!” Daffy shrieks.

I whipped my head back front and slam the brakes. The tires screeched as we came to a full stop, right in front of a massive protest blocking the street. What was different from other protests happening at the time was that it was made up of toons, and peering to the side we saw that they’re all picketing one of the most famous clubs in LA.

“Huh, didn’t know we were heading to the Ink & Paint,” Bugs snarked. “I’m not in the mood to perform today…”

Among the signs that declaring that Toons deserve more rights including being outside Toontown’s borders at night, as well as equal treatment on film sets and fair pay for men, women, animals, and other species alike, they aimed their chants at the once esteemed nightclub.

“They want us in the same space, only to serve them drinks on a silver platter and make us dance like monkeys! No offense to any toon simians here today!” We see one of the demonstrators with a megaphone, Rocky J. Squirrel. The only way we’re able to see the tiny flying rodent is that he’s on the antlers of his much taller friend, Bullwinkle J. Moose. “ This club is a symbol to the elites that Toons are nothing more to them than entertainment, that we aren’t people! But I stare at the crowd and I see people ready for change! And as people, we demand that the club open its doors to Toon patrons! That it should not only be Toon operated, but Toon owned!”

“You said it hermaño!” We see Speedy yell while perched on top of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, flying high above the crowd. (He’s a nice guy, but those claymation toons kinda freak me out). “ Los gringos rico can take a stick of dynamite and shove it!”

wwwWWWOOOooo!

The crowd cheers on, only for sirens to drown them out. Looking past the protestors we see a line of patrol wagons and officers in riot gear along with the growl and barking of the dogs. Naturally the crowd gets antsy, waiting for who will take the first shot. 

Once the cops bring out the fire hoses and start spraying down on the crowd, some of the larger toons such as the elephants from Fantasia and Dumbo himself stand as a shield to the blunt force of the water. It didn’t take long for the pachyderms to shoot water back with their own trunks at the police, causing them to release the hounds and every toon to run or fly off in every direction as the streets were engulfed in chaos.

“W-w-w-we should get going…” I tried to back up, but with the number of toons all around the car, we were in a standstill. “M-m-m-maybe we should walk home- Ah!” I screamed as protestors started climbing on top of the roof to try and escape. 

“Drive,” Bugs said monotone.

“B-b-b-b-But I might hit someone-”

“Just drive!” Daffy took hold of the wheel and caused my leg to hit the gas pedal. I clutched onto the wheel, fighting back and forth between him as I barely avoid any pedestrians, all the while our bodies jerked side to side.

“L-L-L-LET GO!” 

“YOU LET GO!” Daffy shot back as he used his feet to mess with the stick shift.

Maneuvering like crazy while the toons on top of the car flung off, we reached the police barrier, and as much I wanted to stop right then and there, Daffy wasn’t ready to go down so easy and hits the pedal at full speed.

“AHHHH!” Daffy and I screamed our lungs out.

“He-he,” Bugs chuckled softly to himself, amused at the whole situation

The car bursts through the wooden LAPD barrier ‘till it’s nothing but splinters. The crowd, while still running in fear, cheered us on as we kept driving back home to Toontown. From the protestors, we hear Speedy thanking us. “ Vaya con dios policias pendejos! ”

Daffy leaned out from the open window. “WOO HOO-HOO! Kiss my black tail feathers you pigs!”

I peel off Daffy’s hand from the steering wheel and stick shift, staring into his eyes with all the anger I could muster. “D-d-d-DON'T. TOUCH. MY. CAR. AGAIN.”

Daffy, taken aback, nods quietly while Bugs seemed much more happy than before. “Haha, oh god that’s just what I needed guys.”

Is it possibly culturally insensitive? I don’t know, but as a Hispanic this slaps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4s2AMKPHnE  

Bugs: My last years at the original studio were a heck of a lot easier with them, especially when me and Daff took the next step.

July 28th, 1958 - Warner Bros. Commissary Dining Room

“The autopsy said it was a cerebral occlusion, but from what others say it was a broken heart,” I told Daffy during our lunch break while reading the latest obituary in our private dining booth (well it was technically mine, but Daffy was always with him). Last I met Harry he came back to the studio to cash out what was left in his studio account.”

Daffy rolled his eyes while slurping his spaghetti. “Is it really a ph-surprise Jack Warner ph-screwed over his own brothers by secretly buying up their stock in the company and kicking them out just to sell off parts of the studio film library for cheap?”

I shrugged. “I was surprised that he didn’t do it sooner. For carrot’s sake, the boss fired his own son just to humiliate him, and it was after he screwed him over by letting him make his own TV production studio, only to make one in direct competition. Jack Jr. only found out in the local Variety ad and last I saw Ralph the security guard denied him re-entry.” 

“Ugh, and selling off all our shorts for only $3,000 each?! I’m worth way more than that!” Daffy hit the table. “Speaking of shorts, how’s Knighty Knight Bugs coming along?”

“Well it ain’t exactly Oscar-worthy, but if What’s Opera Doc didn’t win anything then what will?”

“ Duck Amuck is ph-still the best ph-short.” he shot back. “Although any of our stuff is better than whatever Hanna and Barbara are doing on TV.”

“Eh, their whole ‘limited animation’ schtick ain’t the worst, heck maybe with Michael Maltese working with them, they can make a couple good toons. Any being award worthy is up in the air.”

“Pfft, awards are overrated anyway.” 

I smirked a bit. “Aw stop. You’re just saying that ‘cause you don’t got one either”

Daffy sneered. “Oh please, I ain’t no Mickey Mouse, and you aren’t either.”

I smiled at that remark, and it wasn’t sarcastic at all. “Say Daff, you remember our…agreement last year?”

Daffy set down his fork. “If this is about you loaning me your nightgown, I ph-swear it’s in at the cleaners-”

“Not that,” I shook my head and spoke softly. The commissary wasn’t too packed today, and much of the patrons circled around Doris Day’s table. “I’m talking about our relationship.”

That shut his beak up, and for a moment his eyelids peel back a bit, “Oh. What about it? You better not tell me you’re leaving to work in TV.”

I shook my head. “Relax, I ain’t heading to Hanna-Barbera if they put a gun to my head.  I thought that we’ve had a good thing going, so…” I rubbed the back of my neck and pulled out a small box, and slid it across the table. “Here.”

Wide-eyed and shocked, Daffy opened the box, saw the glistening piece, and couldn’t help but gasp at the proposition. “The key to your house?”

I held my finger to my mouth. “Not so loud, so what do you say doc- I mean Duck - I mean Daffy?” Is this what it’s like to be jittery? God, what is this toon doing to me?

Daffy kept staring at the key, but smiled gleefully, actually too gleeful. “Well your place does have a new pool. Granted I ordered it to be built.” 

I rolled my eyes, smirking a bit at what he was insinuating.

“But…”

I snapped back from my train of thought. “But?”

“Melissa wants to make up again, so you’re gonna have to share like a commie.”

That… wasn’t the worst thing. Granted, I play for keeps, but I’ve known him 20 years now, we got all the time in the world together. “I can work with that doc, just gotta make sure good old Eisenhower doesn’t figure out and ships us off to Russia.”

“Or Nixon, can’t believe he made that long nose dope his VP.”

It’s nice to dream ain't it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbWWQPbeBDk  

Daffy: For better or for worse, together forever.

February 5th, 1957 - Warner Bros. Cartoons, Sound Stage 1

“Kill The Wabbit! Kill The Wabbit Kill the-”

“CUT! Hold.”

Elmer sighed as Chuck paused production, while Bugs took five and headed to the snack bar, where I made my usual rounds of taking what wasn’t bolted down. Usually I spared myself from binging this much this early, but they were way over budget for What’s Opera Doc? and I wanted to pig out after what happened-

“So I heard Melissa kicked you out again?” Bugs asked munching on his fifth carrot that morning.

I slowly turned to face the smug rabbit. “You know, I never ask about your girlfriend. Oh, wait! You don’t have one!” I laughed.

Bugs shrugged. “Meh, not interested in girls…” he munched through his carrot and took out another. “Ducks though are pretty great to look at.”

I’m taken aback, he couldn’t possibly mean… “Don’t even think about snatching Melissa away from me long ears!”

“... Wait Daff-”

“This town ain’t big enough for the two of us, that much I know, but if you think you can just take the spotlight and my girlfriend-!”

“I was talking about you doc!”

My mouth shut as soon as he blurted it out. Wait, he meant me? Like that? Were we allowed to do that? I don’t think Chuck planned on that. Speaking of, I turned to see the director and thankfully everyone else was circled around him for some reason. Must’ve been bad news since the look on some of the staff was the same look they had when they saw that photo of the Till boy a while back in Mississippi, maybe another black kid got lynched? The writer, Mr. Maltese was even shedding a tear, granted who didn’t in this industry? Turning back to bugs, I see the rabbit look down. 

“I was thinking… why not give this a shot?” Was- was he blushing?! Is that even possible for him? Oh. Oh-ho-ho this is too good…

“Well, I ph-suppose it was only a matter of time you’d recognize who's the best,” I smirked, reveling in this victory.

Bugs cheeks were less red as he rolled his eyes. “Oh brother, I’m done. Goodbye,” And he turns away. Shoot! I can’t let him get the last laugh.

“Wait wait wait!” I grabbed his arm, and soon enough I see his face tinted once more. “Look, since this is the ph-second time Melissa’s kicked me out, and I don’t know when she’ll take me back, why not take up your offer? At least as a trial run. At least until I can ph-snag my own place, I don’t wanna have to bunk with Porky, at least since he and Petunia moved in together…” I shivered at how disgustingly cute those two were.

“If you just want an excuse to crash at my place-”

“I mean it!” I gotta sell this. “We’ve known each other for a while now, and seeing as that you’re so obsessed with me, I’ll take pity on you and give you what you want.” Nice Daffy, real smooth.

Surprisingly, Bugs just laughed his tail off. Does he think he’s too good for me now?!

“Haha! Oh Daff, let’s just agree that the one thing that stays the same between us is that you’ll make me laugh.”

I… am unsure how to take that. Hmm, what is this feeling? Appreciation, I think. Huh, about time! Before we continue to plan out all the kinks on our new status quo, we see Elmer run in his Siegfried getup ready to cry before they were set to shoot the final scene. 

“What’s the matter doc?” Bugs asked first. “Don’t tell me they’re not gonna let me dress up as Brunhilde.”

The hunter shook his head glumly. “I’m sowwy, but Mister Jones just said that Bugsy died.”

I turn to the rabbit, who was just as puzzled as I am. “Uh, you hit your head or something Elmer? You ph-still haven’t killed him yet-”

“Not the wabbit, Mr. Ben Hardaway. They said it was cancer, I don’t know how long, but the doctors think it was since World War I….”

I didn’t really pay much attention after he delivered the news, as I saw Bugs’s ears droop down. I never saw that face he was making, but it was kinda like how he acted on screen whenever he was sad and crying, only more…subtle and real. When Elmer left, I grabbed his hand and held it tight, I see humans do this in movies, and soon his face starts to soften a bit. I just hope he doesn’t make that face again.

Porky: He d-d-d-doesn’t often. Bugs only made that face every time when one of the a-a-a-a-animators died, especially when that person was there the moment he was created.

June 1953 - Warner Bros. Studio Lot

“…3-D movies? That’s the reason Jack shut down the ph-studio?” Daffy asked as he, Bugs and I left the empty cartoon studio. It was late in the afternoon, and we were out of a job at the moment.

Bugs nodded. “Well that, and he found out that we don’t ‘ make Mickey Mouse ’. His words, not mine.”

“… h-h-h-his name is literally on the studio,” I gestured to the various Warner Bros. signs and the water tower itself. 

Bugs chewed on another carrot. “Some of the boys tried going to Maroon Cartoons, but they’re floundering, not even Roger can keep the place afloat since R.K. died. UPA’s also in the weeds since John Hubley was labeled a red commie by HUAC. Chuck told me he’s fleeing off to work at Disney, apparently, they're still working on that Sleeping Beauty flick, but who knows how long that’ll last?”

“I’m just glad we finished Duck Amuck before any of this,” Daffy said. “I heard from your cousin Honey that the comics are ph-still printing.”

Bugs shrugged. “Wouldn’t know, she was just drawn, and I haven’t talked with her that much.”

“I heard Freleng already left for commercial work and Maltese is over with Walter Lantz and Woody W-w-Woodpecker.”

“Hmph,” Bugs grumbled. “Wonder how Ben’s doing these days…?”

Daffy raised an eyebrow. “I thought Hardaway stopped working with Wood-hmph!”

I leaned over and shut Daffy’s beak with my mouth. Clearly he still didn’t understand that Ben was a sensitive topic for Bugs. “T-t-t-that’s enough, now I’m sure that the Warner Brothers will come to realize we’re important and b-b-b-bring back the studio. They’re reasonable people-

“I’LL GET YOU FOR THIS YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

I jumped, losing track of thought as I quickly turned to see the Warner Brothers themselves (the real ones that aren’t as fun). Jack, the youngest and head of the studio, was fleeing for his life from Harry, the oldest, who was shouting obscenities and chasing him with a lead pipe, while the middle child, Albert, ran after Harry to try and stop him from killing Jack, but stopped right in front of us to take a breather. 

“Eh, what’s up doc?” Bugs asked while still munching on his carrot.

The film executive panted hard. “3-D movies…way over budget… Jack’s crazy…”

“That much is clear doc, but about Termite Terrace-”

“ You’ll get your studio back… just give me a few minutes…or months… Jack will get bored with 3-D eventually… oy vey I’m done with this asshole…” and he kneeled down on the pavement.

“You’re a dead man!” Harry yelled.

“You’ll get over it! You always do!” The president of the company shouted back, still running from his own flesh and blood.

 “ DEAD !!!”

Bugs turned to me with a smirk and simply asked, “Reasonable you say?”

Bugs: Most film executives aren’t. But for anyone asking, there's a reason why Daffy is the way he is, and it's all thanks to Chuck 

1951 - Warner Bros. Cartoons, Sound Stage One

“Darn, they let you go?” I asked.

Slappy grumbled while clearing her desk. “I’m telling ya Bunny, this studio is going to hell in a handbasket, all I said to Marlon Brando was that he should embrace the subtext in Tennessee Williams’ original play. How was I supposed to know that the actor was actually a fag?!”

I tensed up a bit after that remark. “Pretty sure it’s called bisexuality doc.”

Slappy shrugged. “So what, half a fag? At least Tennessee is  a full fairy.”

“Yeah, I read A Streetcar Named Desire , it was not subtle.”

Slappy raised an eyebrow and her face turned from angry to understanding. “Look it’s not like I got a problem with that stuff. I fooled around a lot too, mostly ‘cause I was bored.”

That definitely surprised me. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, but no one can handle me,” she smirked. “And now that I’m out of a job, I couldn't care less if the HUAC comes for me. Heck, maybe I’ll finally get that age change, live out my retirement old and in bed.” She packed her case and walked toward the door. “Word of advice from an older toon? Keep your head in the dirt and dance when they throw coins at you. When they’re bored and forgotten about you, go nuts.”

“... I’ll keep that in mind doc, thanks.”

Slappy gave a rare smile off the camera. “Anytime, just hope that they don’t overhaul your personality like the duck.”

“They what ?! How could they change his personality?!” I asked concerned. At least give us a heads-up before the writers mess with our whole identity.

“A-a-a-apparently it was Chuck’s choice.” 

I turned around and saw Porky coming from the door.  

“They w-w-w-wanted someone less screwball and more greedy and jealous to b-b-b-bounce off your character, kinda like how he acted in You Oughta be in Pictures. ”

I shut my eyes and squeezed the bridge of my nose. “Oh lord, how is he?”

“P-p-p-pure id . You should’ve seen how he was on the carpool, b-b-b-by the way, you’re taking him home.”

“Why?”

“Pork’s my ride,” Slappy added. “Pick me up later though, I gotta go meet up with some old friends before Ralph kicks me out.”

As the three of us went our separate ways, I headed to the film set where Elmer was running his script with Chuck. By the painted autumn trees I see Mel talking with the duck, now with a new redesign, though he seemed quite happy. “Okay, I think I got it, put some vanity in my voice. Thanks, Mr. Blanc.” He turned to me, and soon his face frowned.

“Well well well, look who finally ph-showed up!” 

I rolled my eyes. “Nice to finally work together Daffy.”

“For your information, we already did ph-star in Porky’s Pig Feat back in ‘43, but of course you wouldn’t remember…”

I sighed, and to think I only had to deal with Yosemite and Elmer, now Daffy? “How’re feeling? The writers gave you any trouble?”

“Don’t worry about me, I’m feeling great! Fantastic even! Now let’s shoot this thing.”

… This was gonna take some getting used to.

Chuck sits in his director’s chair and announces on the megaphone. “ Rabbit Fire, scene 4 take one!”

Elmer points his gun at the two of us, and we follow the script verbatim.

“Duck season,” I said.

“Rabbit ph-season,” he said.

“ Duck season. ”

“ Rabbit -phseason! ”

“ Rabbit season.”

“ Duck ph-season! Fire! ”

BANG!

“Cut! Let’s roll it one more time.”

Daffy: …69 takes. All just to get the perfect ph-shot.

Bugs: Heh, nice… *Munches on carrot*. Chuck was a perfectionist, but that just led to some of the best cartoons ever made.

The radio turned on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G2vgJ0MGOlg  

By the time filming ended, it was already sunset, and we rushed to my car to head back home to Toontown, and boy was it an experience.

“Chuck told me he’s planning to make a couple more shorts like this one, like a hunting trilogy,” I tell him while behind the wheel.

“Great, more opportunities to get ph-shot…” Daffy grumbled in the passenger seat. “I’d feel safer if I was on the set of Bedtime For Bonzo for crying out loud.”

I chuckled a bit. “Hehe, yeah I also heard that during filming for that movie the chimp nearly strangled Ron Reagan to death with his necktie. Glad he didn’t croak ‘cause Warner still has him under contract-”

wwwWWWOOOooo!

The second I heard the police siren I sighed heavily as I had to pull over to the side of the road. “Reach into my glove box, now.”

Daffy crossed his arms. “I don’t have to listen to you-”

“Move over then!” I reached over and opened the compartment, rummaging around for my papers, only getting more frantic as the sound of boots stomping closer and closer to the window-

“Hands on the wheel, now!”

I groaned as a beam of light flashed on both of us. I complied with the cop with a more generous tone than he deserved. “What seems to be the problem officer-”

“License and registration.”

Thankfully I grabbed the necessary papers before I was so rudely interrupted. After looking at the documents I handed, he looked back and forth between us.

“You wanna explain why you were hunched over that duck boy?” He asked with a serious tone.

“Hey, I have a name!” Daffy shot back.

I sighed. “It’s not what it looks like-”

“Well, what does it look like?” The officer asked.

Realizing what he was implicating, my eyes widen. “W-we’re not doing anything like that doc!”

“Like what?” Daffy asked obliviously. 

“Nothing!” I clarified to both. “Because nothing happened. Do you have any idea who we are?”

The officer wasn’t amused. “I don’t watch cartoons.”

“You’ve seen any films? We’re usually played ahead of them-”

“I don’t go out often.”

I laughed nervously. “Hehe, well surely you must’ve heard of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck? Maybe your kids have watched our shorts-”

“Don’t got any.”

“Pfft, like that’s a ph-surprise,” Daffy snaked back at the enforcer.

“ Excuse me? ” He began to sound more threatening, reaching for his firearm.

I waved my hands in trying to reason with him. “He didn’t mean it-”

“Yes, I did! This boring loser is more of a downer than Droopy!”

I slapped my face in desperation as the cop pulled out a water gun filled with Dip. “You understand that Glendale is a sundown town right? That applies to Negroes and Toons. So unless you're working at the Ink & Paint tonight-”

“We were just heading back to Toontown,” I clarified, still trying to keep a cool head. “The border is just a mile away, if it helps you can escort us back?”

After contemplating the matter, the policeman sighed. “Move along, don’t let me catch you out of curfew again. And watch the back sass,” he pointed to Daffy specifically.

“No problem officer,” I tell him as he leaves back to his patrol car, and the second he goes inside I start the ignition.

SPLAT!

Turning back I see the back of the cop’s head full of crème pie, and sure enough Daffy couldn’t help himself by leaning out the window.

“How’s that for back ph-sass bub!?”

Having already started the car, I book it as the cop begins to chase us. Swerving passed traffic and every red light, we approached the entrance tunnel. Thankfully the police car ends its pursuit as we pop out the other side and I give myself a sigh of relief.

“Whew, thank goodness his jurisdiction ends there.”

“WOO HOO HOO! Now that was fun!” Daffy exclaimed. “That’ll teach 'em not to mess with us!”

I couldn’t help but admire him that day, to stand up for himself in the goofiest manner, seems like he’s still a bit screwball after all. Hmm, I wonder if he’s still seeing Melissa?

Daffy: It’s not me and her always fought!

1950 - Acme Looniversity, Acme Acres, Toontown

“Three years ago we achieved our own independence, and no longer do we live in fear over humans and toons who seek to destroy us, together we stand strong and thrive! In honor of our town founder Marvin Acme, we commemorate his legacy and commitment to the betterment of toon kind, with the founding of this great institution. For toons young or old, human or animal, monster or machine, good or evil, and everything in between to come and learn how to be zany, funny, and all kinds of loony!”

The crowd cheered on our mayor, Felix the Cat, as he cut the red ribbon, along with the first dean/principal Dinky Doodle. Much of the campus was built thanks to Acme Corp. and the Chounaird Art Institute as a breeding ground for new and upcoming talent. In the crowd with me was the usual gang, along with my one true love.

“Oh look how pretty it is Daffy!” Melissa said. “There’s so much space and green instead of back downtown, ooh and the way it all looks like an art student’s dorm too!”

She was right on the nose/beak there, plenty of the buildings aren’t too different from the rest of Toontown, but they’re much more sketchy, rough around the edges and messy. “Yeah, ph-seems like the perfect place for a little chaos!” 

“Y-y-y-you said it Daffy.” To my left were Porky and Petunia, who were also present for the occasion. “S-s-s-say, you haven’t seen Bugs around have you?”

“Last I saw him he was talking with Felix and Mickey,” Melissa added. “Something about classes they wanted to offer in the curriculum. Good thing too, things are crazy right now and we could use some good in the community right now.”

“He’s thinking of teaching?” Petunia asked. “That doesn’t seem like his character.”

“Well it ph-sounds fun!” I exclaimed. “Maybe I’ll join, I don’t get to hang out with Bugs too often either, and we could give the new kids a wallop of what it’s like to work with the big boys.”

“Ahem…” I heard Melissa coughed. “And girls?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Oh right, we also need girls, don’t wanna make all shorts into one big sausage fest, so some hot damsels in distress will be- OOF!”” 

I didn’t expect Petunia to pack such a big punch, but next thing you know I wind up half KO’d on the sidewalk and start to see stars flying around my head.

“G-g-g-gosh, remind me to never get on your bad side sweetie,” Porky muttered.

Petunia sighed. “Why am I even surprised? Everyone loves Marvin Acme even though he was a pervert to so many female toons. Why do you still date him Melissa?” Petunia asked annoyed.

I hear my beloved answer. “He’s a loon, but he’s my loon. Mostly cause the writers say we have to be together, but also, I like a little crazy.”

“Wouldn’t… have it… any other…way…” I breathed out.

Porky: Now ain’t that true?

What it says on the tin: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6lUme1-2d8  

1948 - Toontown Movie Palace, Lower Toontown 

‘NEWS ON THE MARCH!’ Following the Supreme Court ruling of United States V. Paramount Pictures, all film studios must cease ownership of their theater chains to regulate competition in the marketplace. Paramount Pictures, along with the other Big Five Studios including Metro-Goldwyn Mayer, 20th Century Fox, RKO Pictures, and Warner Bros. must also end block booking, in which a studio cannot sell their short films packaged with their full-length features. Along with the conviction of the Hollywood Ten for contempt of congress by the House Un-American Activities Committee (HUAC) over Communist suspicion, it’s led many to ask whether Tinseltown will be around any longer…

Much of the audience was murmuring at the end of the newsreel, that wasn’t good news for us either. Toons came tonight to watch the latest Goofy short, and left the theater fearing that they’ll lose their jobs. Especially for UPA, they were always under fire for being more left-wing.

“Well that was ominous,” Petunia spoke up. “Granted I haven’t been in any shorts for nearly a decade now.”

“S-s-s-sorry about that sweetie,” I sympathized with her.

She smiled sadly. “No worries, at least I have free time to find out my own character.”

HONK!

Up the road, I see a familiar taxi pull up, noticeably lacking a driver. “Hey, you two, hop on in! The boss wants to see your little pigtails at City Hall pronto! They already have the rest of your crew along with Roger and Mick.”

I turned to Petunia, who was confused but went along with it. “Alright Benny, lead the way.”

Getting in the back, we let Benny the Cab zoom around cars and pedestrians just to reach the newly finished civic building. After tipping Benny for the ride and asking where everyone was, we ran up the stairs of the Art Deco building and headed straight for the mayoral office, where the occupant himself was waiting outside his door

“Ah, you two, thank goodness you made it,” Felix said.

“Hey Felix,” Petunia spoke first. “Congrats again on winning the election.”

“Thanks, if anything I’m honored to be the first mayor, I just wish I didn’t have to worry about an impending crisis,” he sighed as he opened the doors. “It doesn’t help that I have to work with some screwy colleagues.”

Once inside we saw Daffy and Bugs argue with Mickey and Donald.

“We shouldn’t panic, if we just say calm-” Mickey said.

“Easy for you to say doc!” Bugs interrupted. “All Disney does is cartoons, Warner doesn’t work like that, next thing you know we’ll be shipped off to that newfangled television!”

“... The heck is a television?” Donald asked.

“What did you ph-say about my mother?!” Daffy yelled at the duck, unable to really understand him. 

Bugs sighed. “You don’t have a mother doc, none of us do.”

“Gentlemen plplpl-please!” We turned to Roger Rabbit, who was representing Maroon Cartoons. “I know things are scary, but we shouldn’t turn against each other.”

“R-r-r-Roger’s right,” I said. “If anything this just shows that we need to focus on Toontown. Maybe start by funding more into the community?”

Much of the room agreed, even the ducks, who were still grumbling and giving each other looks. 

“I remember meeting with the Acme Corp. board of directors, and they wanted to start funding into education,” Bugs recommended. “We always need new toons, it would help to show them the ropes.”

Mickey stepped forward. “Walt and I know Nelbert Chounaird, she runs the art college where a lot of our animators studied. I’m sure we can help come up with something.”

“Yeah, that could work,” Felix agreed. “And look, even though shorts will now have to be sold separately, we just have to do our best and make the most of it. Who knows? Maybe this ‘television’ can be a new format for toons.”

I wasn’t sure what to make the new technology, but I guess if radio had pictures to go along with it, maybe animation could too.

Bugs: Progress waits for no one.

1947 - Toontown City Hall Construction Site

“Alright, before we address the news outlets, what do we do with Cloverleaf?”

Felix addressed the group of toons, many of whom were representing their various studios that made up the population, myself representing Warner Bros., and many of us were hesitant to even bring up the incident.

“Well, you all know how Roger and I feel,” Jessica mentioned. “After the whole ordeal with Doom, I don’t even want to think about it.”

“But of course…” Droopy said, representing MGM (Thank goodness they didn’t send Tom & Jerry, I’m not in the mood to see them just yet). “However when Acme tried selling Pacific Electric back to the city of LA, Mayor Bowron refused...”

“Now why in the blue blazes would they go and do a thing like that?!” Popeye the Sailor complained, once a Fleischer staple but now representing Famous Studios.

I rolled my eyes. “Aside from the fact the owner of Cloverleaf tried to commit genocide and terrorized the community?”

“That part doesn’t matter to the humans,” Mickey sighed. Being the representative from Disney. “The only crimes that we could convict him on were the murder of Marvin Acme and R.K. Maroon, but before the government could seize his assets Acme Corp. made a deal to buy it off.”

“And thankfully in Acme’s will he left us Toontown and the company, including any subsidiaries and partnerships,” Woody Woodpecker added. (God why did Universal have to send him?) “That includes Cloverleaf and its assets.”

“I had Eddie look into it,” Roger added. “Now I don’t know much about corporate law, but he said that he found out the only way Doom was able to buy up the red cars was thanks to a deal with General Motors. That whole idea about a freeway, he just ripped it off from them!”

That left most of us puzzled. “You’re kidding… Are you sure Mr. Valiant was right?’ Mickey asked worried, rightfully so.

Roger nodded furiously. “He’s the bestest detective out there! Plus he had some help,”

 The rabbit looked to his left, where comic strip icon Dick Tracy entered our little pow-wow.

“I’m afraid to say that Roger is right. Eddie and I went through some hurdles, but we found this.” The detective pulled out a file of documents from his yellow trench coat. “GM wasn’t gonna tear through Toontown, but they already bought up half of the red cars while Doom took the other half. The owners of the Red Cars seemed eager to sell though, and with the condition of the streetcars in disrepair, its fair to assume they planned for this.”

Looking through the papers, we saw the company name ‘Pacific City Lines’ come up over and over, and realized that it was merely a shell company to buy up streetcars in Southern California just to dismantle them. “They’ve been doing this for years now, how do they expect people to get around?!” Blondie Bumstead  cried, representing King Features Syndicate 

“Apparently Bowron approved the construction of freeways, and they’re doing it in other cities too,” Felix commented. “As of right now, we’re one of the few places in the country that has a decent public transportation system… so if LA doesn’t want them back, then I say we set it up here for Toons to get around, the populations still booming, and we can always expand past downtown.”

Much of the group nodded in agreement. “Haha hahaha! Sounds great!” Woody Woodpecker exclaimed.

“I suppose I’ll inform the board then…” Droopy, the current chairman of Acme gave a rare smile.

After everyone shook hands and agreed to announce our plans to the crowd of toons nearby, we readied ourselves for the main event of the day.

“Just wait, once it’s complete it’ll put Los Angeles City Hall to shame!” Felix stated to the Disassociated Press. Along with myself, some of the other toons representing different studios showed up in support.  “Thanks to the artistic talent of artists and with the cooperation of the Acme Corporation and the newly formed Toontown Government, we will bring much-needed infrastructure to the community.”

“Lois Lane with the Toontown Tribune - Does this mean you plan to run for the upcoming mayoral election?”

The black cat chuckled. “Haha, well I can’t say anything at the moment, however, I wish Donald Duck good luck on his campaign. But right now let’s move on to the moment you’ve all been waiting for!”

Much of the audience and those of us on the podium cheered, as soon enough it was time to sign the Articles of Incorporation, the official document that declares our town as a separate entity. In order to remain impartial to all toons, representatives from each studio and comic publisher signed the documents, myself included. 

Aside from the representative sent by California to oversee the process, most humans that attend the ceremony were the studio heads and animators from Walter Lantz to Walt Disney, I could even see Chuck Jones and Bob Clampett in the crowd. Even the Fleisher Brothers attended, and they weren’t on speaking terms. There were some comic artists and cartoonists like Joe Simon and Jack Kirby who watched their creation Captain America sign as a representative of Marvel Mystery Comics. Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster watched their character Superman sign the document as a representative of Action Comics, while Wonder Woman was up next, representing All-Star Comics. She waved to her artist H.G. Peter, as well as two women that took me a while to remember. One of them was the wife of the writer, William Moulton Marston, who passed earlier this year. The other woman was always with the married couple for some reason, and Diana mentioned the three of them were Poly or something. I know Marston invented the Polygraph, so I guess they were just human lie detectors? 

And of course, sitting right in the front row was the hero of Toontown himself, Eddie Valiant and his fiancée Dolores, cheering on Roger and Jessica as they signed the articles, with R.K.’s brother C.B Maroon nodding approvingly. Just like that day when Doom was defeated and the town was saved from near destruction, everyone celebrated our newfound independence, singing our anthem Smile Darn ya, Smile loud and proud. 

Bugs: Can we take a break, please?! We’ve been in here for months!

Jamie: Oh relax, it’s been *stares at watch*... longer than I thought. One more segment before the break.

Bugs: Ugh, fine.

November 22nd, 2022 - Bunny Bungalow, Toontown Hills

It was more akin to an ultimate bungalow , like the nearby Gamble House, and it was way too big for me, but with a career like mine, you had to go all out, especially since the whole neighborhood was where the elite toons reside. Sure, Mouseton had their high-end castles for the princesses, but this was the place where toons regardless of studio loyalty lived, from Link and Zelda currently residing up the street in their vacation home they come to avoid Japanese winters, to Thor having one of his Nordic longhouses across the street. And there I was, sipping a carrot mai tai while in my hot tub, looking through the latest headlines from the Tattler. 

'Following the recent merger of Cartoon Network Studios and Warner Bros. Animation, while CEO David Zaslav has come under fire for the decision, human news site Cartoon Brew also faced scrutiny for sensationalizing the story, saying that Cartoon Network as a whole was being shut down. Some claim the site to be nothing more than the Fox News of animation…”

I rolled my eyes. “Cartoon Brew was the same site that called our ratings for the Looney Tunes show embarrassing, clearly they don’t appreciate good art.”

‘After the recent loss from Warner Bros. Discover ( Tuca and Bertie ) Netflix announces that The Cuphead Show has not been renewed yet for a second season. Susie McCallister made some heavy comments during the Summer Camp Island wrap party back in October, criticizing the company as well as Mayor Dot Warner for failing to meet the needs of Toontown citizens…’

I sighed, trying not to think it about. “Next page.”

‘Yesterday it was announced that Bob Iger would return as CEO of the Walt Disney Company, as Bob Chapek leaves the company following backlash over the impending loss of Reedy Creek to Ron DeSantis. Interim CFO Scrooge McDuck had this much to say, ‘Good riddance! Now we can get back to making money.’

“Haha! Well, at least we aren’t the only ones screwing everything up.”

“That’s a rather mean-spirited way to see it.” I hear Lola speak. Wait, Lola?!

Looking up from the newspaper I see two figures hovering over me, one of them was my love interest, and the other was none other than Daffy’s.

“You know, I’ve had a couple of dreams like this,” I smirked. “Usually it ends up like something you’d see on Furaffinity- blublublub !”

“Oh shut up!” Tina Russo smacked her webbed foot on my head and the next thing I know I’m underwater. I couldn’t make out what they were, but it seemed like Lola was trying to get Tina to stop, as she (begrudgingly) pulled me out of the tub as I coughed up some chlorine water.

 “Ack! Ugh, W-w-what the heck did I do to you?!”

“It’s not what you did to me, it’s what you did to Daffy,” Tina crossed her arms. “I love that insecure and overly jealous duck and want him to be happy.”

“Ack!” Still coughing up water. “Oh please, when is he ever?”

Tina sighed. “When he’s with you, you moron. Platonic or romantic, you two have something I can’t replace.”

“She’s right,” Lola chimes in. “I know we’ve had our differences on the whole arrangement, but after all these years you can’t just turn your back on him or this town.”

My eyes narrowed at her (mostly due to the chlorine). “Oh I see, Daffy sent you.”

“No-”

“Then Dot-”

“No one sent us here,” Lola shook her head. “We came because we care about you too.”

“Me?” I say exaggeratedly. “Oh, woe is me … I’m perfectly fine!”

Tina raised an eyebrow. “You haven’t left your house for months, all you do all day is lounge around your pool and hot tub, and don’t talk to anyone.”

“Hey, I spent my early career without friends, I can do it again,” I try to sound convincing.

“That’s the biggest load I heard from you yet,” Lola snorted. “Even though you missed out on Tweety’s birthday party ‘cause you didn’t wanna run into Daffy, you still sent them a present, you care about them too.”

I shrugged. “Common courtesy. Look I’m not a leader, I’m just a rabbit who only screwed over anyone who messed with me. The only difference now is that we lost this time. If I’m gonna give up to our corporate overlords I might as well do it in style- smack !”

It took me a second to realize Lola slapped my face. “ Give up?! The Bugs Bunny I know would create chaos! He wouldn’t throw in the towel for anything. He’d go out kicking and screaming, not lounging in his house watching the world burn around him, he’d be the one to start the fire!” She lifted myself up and was practically screaming at the face. “If you’re still the same toon I knew for decades, you’d find a way to outsmart any cog in corporate. You’ve run circles around countless villains and adversaries with more personality in their inky bodies than people like Zaslav have in their crusty fingers. So are you gonna sit around and mope all day or are you gonna march down to the studio and remind them who you are?!”

She’s right, oh god what am I doing? Oh god, that anger in her eyes… “Huh, I think I remember why I love you too doll,” I thank her speech by giving her a quick peck on the nose.

She rolled her eyes and blushed. “Sometimes I wonder why I still love you too.”

“Well this is touching and all, but are you gonna go back to Daffy and makeup or am I gonna have to drag you there?” I gulped, knowing well that Tina was a force to be reckoned with back then when she was Melissa.

“All in good time Tina, but this isn’t the first time me and Daffy have had problems,” I dry myself with a towel and head back inside, with the two girls following close behind. “If I’m gonna win my duck back, I gotta woo him first, make up for lost time, and I know just how to do it.” I reach for my phone.

“Who are you calling?” Tina asked.

I sighed heavily as I dialed the numbers. “The only person I know who can help us out.” I lift the phone to my ears as I hear a click.

“Who is this? How’d you get this number?!”

“Thaddeus! It’s been too long old buddy old chum!”

“...oh no…”

“Oh yes, you remember that time back in ‘88 when the board mysteriously decided to make you CEO during the merger? I’m cashing my favor in. Here’s the plan…”

Had to sneak in one more disco song okay?!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UaJAnnipkY  

Chapter Text

Jamie: Alright let’s not dawdle any longer, we got places to be.

Bugs: Thank Chuck, I was not having it.

December 11th, 2022 - Valiant Memorial Park, Toontown Square

This place was meant to be in honor of Marvin Acme, but recent history has called into question his ‘motives’ for female toons. What makes it stand out is how it’s the one patch of land that Pygment hasn’t covered, leaving a nice bed of organic grass and trees nearby City Hall. There’s a sign that says ‘Don’t touch the grass’, obviously no one pays attention to it, and for good reason, for us older toons, it brings up bad memories. 

Most of the toons on the grass today were the stragglers from previous protests about the cut content on streaming services, as well as general degradation of toon rights with the rise of AI. A lot of them I recognize were ‘indie’ toons, characters made outside the system like Charlie Morningstar and Loona the Werewolf in solidarity with half the cast of Lackadaisy and Murder Drones as they were picketing alongside some smaller creations including Defenders of Alodia and Boxtown. And there were plenty of Toons from Webcomics and indie games as well.

As for the memorial itself, it’s a piece made of real brass on a quartz platform. The inscription reads…

‘ Dedicated to the brothers who protected our city and its people.’

Edward ‘Eddie Valiant. 1904 - 1989

Theodore ‘Teddy’ Valiant. 1902 - 1942

It was a sculpture of the two detectives, both of whom are appropriately dressed in their private eye getup, yet also appropriately both were smiling gleefully, as behind the figures the two have cream pies in their hands, primed and ready to hit the other brother. I’m glad that Eddie found his sense of humor after everything, and that he lived to see his and Roger’s biopic, even though Bob Hoskins wasn’t his first choice (Harrison Ford cost too much and Eddie Murphy turned it down) but thought he gave a good performance.

I sighed. “Darn, I miss those two.”

“It’s a ph-shame, I only met Teddy twice.” I turned around to see Daffy walk up. “He questioned me back when that ph-sycho kidnapped Donald’s nephews in ‘37, the second time wasn’t pretty-”

“You actually came…” I muttered, surprised he’d hear me out.

“To my ph-surprise as well,” Daffy rolled his eyes. He crossed his arms and turned his head around. “And not by choice may I add!”

I start to make out Lola and Tina behind some trees, the latter of which seemed more annoyed. “You want me to drag you by your tail feathers again?”

“No no no, I’ll be good! I promise…” Daffy shook his head immensely.

“You two know your part of the plan right?” I asked our two lovely ladies.

“Yep, you just find the Warners,” Lola said as she dug into the ground with Tina following her down the rabbit hole.

Daffy, unaware of the plan, raised an eyebrow. “Something I ph-should know before I leave-”

“Daff, what I said to you was wrong, and I should’ve appreciated you more, but if you just give me five minutes I promise you can leave after, just hear me out?” I held out my hand, silently praying he’ll take it. 

After contemplating on the matter for what seemed like forever, his face contorting as he wondered whether to take a leap of faith, the duck inhaled greatly and took my hand. “This better be good rabbit…”

I smiled, seeing that there was still a chance. Still holding onto his hand, we took a passing trolley up the street to City Hall as I explained the plan. “So, here’s the deal, we can’t face off these executive schmucks, we’re just not that high up in management. But there was one toon that could change something, the one in charge.”

“… Nora Rita Norita?”

I nodded. “Yep, but also her mentor, she was the successor to the first toon to run a major studio.”

Then it clicked in Daffy’s brain (no matter how small it was). “Plotz!?”

“Bingo, I called in a favor and as luck turns out, he was interested in coming out of retirement just for this.”

Getting off the red car in the nick of time, we walked through the main entrance and up the stairs, closer to the mayor’s office. 

“I don’t get it,” Daffy said. “I thought Plotz was done with the company for good after Back in Action. ”

“He was, officially,” I clarified. “Unofficially, while he did get a heck of a retirement package, Thaddeus knew that as a toon he’d outlive that, so what better way to ensure a steady income than owning some company shares? Enough that combined with Nora’s shares and the ones I just bought should shake up some leadership in Warner Bros. Discovery.”

Right then and there Daffy’s beak started to curl upwards. “How interesting, ph-so what’s next?”

“Lola and Tina are grabbing Nora and Plotz to settle the deal. I told Porky to meet up with Dot to lay everything out. All that’s left is to get the Warner’s single share, and we can make a defense against any more cancellations. Hopefully, we can even bring back a couple of shows that haven’t been made into a tax write-off…”

When I opened the door, I was greeted not by our usual 9-year-old politician, but by an empty desk. Looking around the room, there was no sign of the Warners. No gags, no messes, and in hindsight not even a water bucket on the door. 

“Is it a holiday or ph-something?”

“On the contrary Mr. Duck, I’m just getting started,” we heard a voice emanating from the chair, swerving around and… still nothing. “Oh for the love of, Pinky!”

“Narf! Sorry Brain, let me just hup! Hup!” We heard the little mouse jumping up and down, presumably on the office chair lever, as the seat rose to reveal The Brain in the seat in a suit. Pinky then pulled himself up onto the desk, dressed in a secretary’s outfit. “Oh, hey guys! Did you take off your shoes before you came in? I’ve been meaning to scrub the carpet.”

“We don’t have shoes,” I replied. “Wait hold on what’s all this?”

Brain cleared his throat. “I take it you two didn’t get the memo.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What memo? And where’s the Warners?”

Brain sighed. “I’m afraid Mayor Dot left her position, as well as Toontown itself with her brothers in tow.”

“They what?!” Daffy yelled. “Well, where the heck did they go?”

Brain shrugged. “It’s no concern of mine, but as Speaker of the Toontown Council I had to take up the position, for everyone’s sake.”

I couldn’t help but cross my arms and stare him down. “For our sake or yours doc?”

“I’m sorry?” Brain raised an eyebrow.

I called his bluff. “As a former mayor myself, I can’t help but wonder what’s really going on here. The more I think about it, a lot of stuff has gone down since you took over as speaker, now all of a sudden you’re in charge, and the Warner’s skipped town, it tells me you -”

“Mr. Bunny I’m afraid unless you have an appointment I have more pressing matters to attend to, such as overseeing the merger of Acme Acres and CN City, and I have a meeting with Senator Butthead afterward,” Brain apparently had the gall to interrupt me of all people.

“Now wait a minute-”

“Pinky, if you please?”

His partner in crime (and partner in general) saluted in response. “Narf, on it Brain!” And after reaching down the desk and with a ‘click’ sound of a button, I felt the floor under me and Daff gave away.

“Ha! Nice try,” I smirked, not looking down while still floating in the air. “You think you can pull a fast one on us with the oldest trick in the book?”

“Well I don’t know about any tricks except for cards, but make sure you take your shoes before you leave,” Pinky blurted out.

Daffy gestured to his webbed feet angrily. “For the last time, we don’t have any-AHHhhh!” And of course, he just had to look down and plummet straight down the hole. Toon Physics 101.

I sighed, knowing that I have to go after him for comedic effect. “This isn’t over you little rats,” I shot back at Pinky and The Brain, before looking down myself and falling down the chute, hitting the walls of the chutes before I landed in the dumpster in the alleyway adjacent to city hall. 

“Ugh, why did I make that trap door button in the first place…?” I asked myself, lifting myself out and brushing off any old papers.

“Because - OW!” A black wing rustling out of the pile of used staples and push pins, I grab it and pulled Daffy out from the garbage. “Because I kept busting into your office and -OW! Watch the feathers!” He said as I helped pick out the staples and push pins from his feathers. “One of your first actions as mayor was to build that ph-stupid thing”

“Oh, right,” I said sheepishly. “Forgot about that.”

“T-t-t-To be fair, I recommended it.”

We turned our heads to see Porky behind the dumpsters, with his head stuck inside an old bucket, 

“T-t-t-They kicked you out too, huh?” Daff and I helped Porks out of the bucket. “I-i-i-Imagine my surprise when they said Dot quit.”

“Quit or ousted?” Daffy asked. “My guess is that those two pulled something behind the ph-scenes, this is too fishy for my taste.”

I nodded in agreement. “That’s more than obvious, but first we need to find Dot and her brothers.”

“W-w-w-well they’re not at the studio,” Porky sighed. “I checked this m-m-m-morning and went to check City Hall, next thing I know I’m falling down the Daffy chute, now I’m worried.”

“Aw, you named it after me?” Daffy awed at me then turned back to Porky. “Hold on, why worry?”

“Y-y-y-you mean you two didn’t hear the news?”

We shook our heads as we turned them to see another volley of papers falls into the trash from the Daffy chute, one of them just happen to be today’s issue of the Toontown Tattler. I grab it and skim past the updates on the ‘canned Craig of the Creek cast’ (try saying that three times fast) or the new president of Cartoon Network Michael Ouweleen trying to calm everyone down (could be worse, at least this guy’s got experience in animation) but one section stood out to me. 

‘Animaniac’s Final Season set to release in February, just as Mayor Dot leaves Toontown and The Brain assumes her position.”

“Oh brother…” The articles goes one about the licensing deal with Hulu and Spielberg expiring and that Warner Bros. didn’t wanna bother putting any money into extending it. Apparently Brain took the liberty of breaking the news to the disassociated press.

“Ok, let’s not panic,” Daffy said. “It’s just Brain, what’s the worst he can do as mayor?”

‘wwwWWWOOOooo!’

Right on cue, we see dozens of police cars roll down the street heading towards Valiant Park. 

What caught our attention was that they weren’t toon officers. We soon saw human police decked in full riot armor demand the protesters cease and desist.

“Attention Toons!” One of the men spoke in a loudspeaker. “You have failed to register a permit for this protest and must disperse immediately! Go back to your homes, under the order of your respective companies!”

Naturally, most of them agreed to stand their ground, especially since most of them were independent creations and weren’t afraid of retribution. And naturally, the police dealt with the protesters with brute force. Many of the less recognized toons bailed out quick, with the more notable stars holding off the cops. It looked messy from a distance, so I can imagine how it was firsthand. Oh, who am I kidding? Police trying to screw over the disenfranchised is practically part of their initiation, and we weren’t a stranger to strikes going south.

Squeezing the bridge of my nose, I take a deep breath and rethink our strategy. “Ok, ok let’s get back on track, if they’re not at the studio, and they’ve skipped town, where would they go?”

Porky stepped forward and pulled out a roll of paper. “I h-h-h-have a list of contacts that might know something, every toon they’ve worked with over the years,” Unfortunately once it unraveled it rolled down the alleyway and into the street nearby, only for that part to be torn apart by traffic and the streetcar as the pieces flew in the wind. “I-i-i-it’s gonna take a while…”

Daffy: It took two weeks to find the rest of the list, I ph-swear things like this make me wish we were better back in the good old days.

Jamie: *Raises eyebrow* Including the fact that toons couldn’t drink from the same water fountains as humans? 

Daffy: … Fair point, but humans did the ph-same thing to their own kind too.

Humans have a bad track record: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zndUfV1i1Co  

October 1947 - House Un-American Activities Committee Hearings, Hollywood

“ Objection !” I pointed at the man at the podium with great vigor. He wasn’t alone, along with him were a bunch of cogs in suits, including the new congressman Dick Milhous Nixon (what a lame name, seriously? Milhous ?). “ Chicanery ! I call Mr. Truman to the stand!”

“... Mr. Duck we haven’t even started yet.”

“H-h-h-he didn’t mean it s-s-s-sir,” Porky, more nervous than usual, spoke up. “Just wanna get through this q-q-q-quick and simple.”

We went right after Ron Reagan, who just went on a whole rant against socialists, and after rehearsing what to say (and me forgetting it like always), they let us go after we said the usual schtick ‘commies bad ’. We went back to our seats as another pair took our place.

 “As a matter of fact, Mr. Disney, you experienced a strike at your studio, did you not?” The investigator asked.

 “Yes.”

“And is it your opinion that that strike was instituted by members of the Communist Party to serve their purposes?”

“Well, it proved itself so with time, and I definitely feel it was a Communist group trying to take over my artists, and they did take them over…”

“And you Mr. Mouse, do you say they did take them over?”

“W-well gosh, I wouldn’t say that about Herb-”, Mickey stumbled over his words.

“ Ahem !” Walt coughed abruptly. “Yes, he would say that.”

Ugh, the fact that everyone had to testify was asinine enough. Of course, the humans would try to get us to agree to this charade just so that Toontown can officially secede from Los Angeles. It didn’t help that Terrytoons have been on strike for months and Herbert Sorrell was finally being thrown under the bus. Porky and I were speaking on behalf of Warner Bros., so we and all the other toons had to sit in the back of the room in the negro section as we waited our turn to testify. In many ways, we both were amicable with them, both our groups were treated as second-class citizens at best, and other times we argued over how they were depicted in our films.

Sometimes I wondered if they had a point, heck most negro toons try to stay out of the daylight, same with the Japs, Indians (American, we don’t have a lot of the other ones), Jews, Mexicans, they all have their own little area of Toontown they isolated themselves in, and even there they don’t interact with each other much. Some say it’s to look out after themselves, others say it’s because they don’t wanna give their human demographics any more bad PR. A few did show up, but the HUAC didn’t trust most of these toons, which made the room feel all the more uneasy, and representing the Negro Toons was the only real negro toon star at the time, at least the only one that stared in multiple films.

“Aw shucks, when are they gonna call me up? I gotta get home to my mammy soon,” Jasper the Pickaninny Puppetoon asked me. That word is still okay to use right? (IT WASN'T)

Personally, I was less freaked out of him being a negro and more freaked out over these wooden ‘stop-motion’ puppets being toons as well, but the kid was nice. 

“Eh, just wait till the mouse ph-stops ph-stuttering.”

The kid giggles. “You have a funny voice duck.”

“What the - no I don’t you big-headed little rascal!”

Jasper kept laughing until two of the Puppetoons approached me. Two more Negroes, but rather than being short and big-headed like the kid, the one on the left was tall and imposing with a blackbird on his shoulder. The one on the right was top-heavy, muscled toned and lumbering, a figure that was six times Jasper’s size and at least thrice mine, and carried a sledgehammer on his back. “You wanna say that again, duck ?”

“... Eep!” I peeped out. 

Thankfully the kid came to my defense. “Relax Mistah’ Henry, I’m all good.”

“You best not be trying to pull a fast one with that boy,” Scarecrow directed at me. “That’s my job, ain't that right?” He gestured to his blackbird.

“ Squawk ! You know it brotha’.”

“Say, where’s Mistah’ Bugs?” Jasper asked. “I hadn’t seen ‘em since my hunting short.”

“H-h-h-he’s in a meeting with Jack Warner,” Porky said. “Something a-a-a-about allowing the animators to give retired stereotype toons a redraw. For a hefty price though…” Could any of these toons even afford it? Some barely get work, and it ain’t from a lack of trying.

“You don’t say?” Scarecrow pondered. “Maybe I could get a redraw if Paramount cuts us off, the shorts have been getting more expensive lately, and I deserve it after serving their damn war.”

“I t-t-t-think it’s only for Warner toons like Coal Black and de Sebben - I m-m-m-mean the seven ! The seven dwarfs, ha-ha…” he nervously said.

John Henry raised an eyebrow at Porks. “Old habits huh pig?”

“W-w-w-well I’m thinking of leaving the force after this trial. All I w-w-w-wanna do is focus on the new slate of films starring me and D-d-d-Daffy.”

“All I want is that my mammy will let me out the house more often,” Jasper sighed “She says that we can’t leave Hooverville unless it’s for work-”

“Hey, you two!” One of the human guards of the proceedings barked at the two Puppetoons. “Keep back from the testifiers.”

“We don’t mean no trouble,” John calmly explained. “Just lookin’ after the boy is all-”

“Stand aside,” The guard growled as he reached for his water pistol. “ Don’t make me ask again.”

Porky stepped in as moderator. “N-n-n-now hold on, we were just having a little chat, as an officer back in Toontown”

“Sir, this is a congressional hearing, you have no jurisdiction here,” the guard responded coldly. “You and the Duck already gave your testimonial, you don’t need to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

“Well, what if we want to Mack?!” My hand was primed with a mallet as John readied his sledgehammer. “I didn’t ph-see no ph-sign telling me otherwise-”

BANG! BANG! BANG!

All our heads turned back to the podium, with Nixon fuming over a gavel. “ Order ! I will have order in this hearing! Anyone present that has already testified or isn’t will leave this room at once.” He ranted off the mic to his colleagues, but some of the phrases he said were along the lines of ‘ Damn Apes, we already have enough of them, why make more ?’

John bit his tongue, not wanting to test if Dip worked on toons that weren’t hand-drawn. “Let’s go Scarecrow.” 

The Scarecrow nodded and turned to Jasper before he complied with the guards. “Remember your lines' boy.”

We stopped our conversation when we heard the mic being tapped by the investigator. “Up next is uh… Jasper Jefferson Lincoln Washington Hawkins?”

“That’s me, see you around Mistah’ Daffy, Officer Porky.” 

Jasper skipped along and gave his testimonial. The investigator questioned the young toon on George Pal and his loyalties to the country. Pal was a Hungarian that did work back in Germany, then left for Holland, only to leave Europe entirely when the Nazis invaded. Thankfully Walter Lantz was a buddy of his and got him a visa, and since he wasn’t a fan of the Soviet occupation of Hungary, the Puppetoons were cleared of suspicion, for now at least. 

Porky: Shame that P-p-p-Paramount and Pal stopped making Puppetoons soon after, I guess times really were changing. 

(I'm sad that this is one of the deleted scenes from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, it was even Spielberg’s favorite too, so I edited it to fit into this story)

Summer 1947 - Inglewood Park Cemetery, Inglewood CA

It’s not that rare that toons from every studio defunct or running join together, but this is one of the few times it’s not a party. Petunia and I arrived late, and as Lieutenant of the Toontown PD, I was assigned to watch over security. The only suspect the LAPD have is loose, though if you ask me I don’t think we have to worry about Roger. 

It’s kinda surreal seeing Mighty Mouse be a blubbering mess next to Superman, showing up in his Fleischer-era outfit and on his knees holding back tears of his own. Tom and Jerry, Heckle and Jeckle, Droopy, Andy Panda, Katnip the Cat, Sylvester the Cat, Baby Huey, Tubby the Tuba and the Three Little Pigs, the list of toons in attendance goes on and on, just as long as the procession of limos behind the hearse as a shiny new Packard pulls up to the curb. The last one to show up was R.K. Maroon, who angrily walked straight towards Jessica, many of whom distanced themselves over the rumors confirmed to be true thanks to the photos.

“Oh lord, what now…?” Horace Horsecollar muttered under his breath.

Tex Avery’s Wolf scoffs. “‘Bout time someone addressed the elephant in the room.”

“ Brrr !” Dumbo tooted out, rather offended.

“Dumbo hush!” Clarabelle Cow hissed and turned to Wolf. “And you mind your own darn business.”

“Hey, we’re all thinking it, and hell I don’t blame Roger! I’d whack anyone for trying to steal my Red Hot Riding Hood, especially if she had curves like Jessica’s…” He grossly gestured his hands to illustrate her shapely figure. “And if I had Jessica wrapped around my finger oh-oh-oh boy I’d -OW!” his tongue was nearly salivating before it snapped back up to his mouth when Petunia stepped on his foot.

“Don’t. Even. Think about it, Capiche ?!” She instilled fear in many, one of the reasons why I love her so. “Also didn’t Red put a restraining order on you?”

“It’s not valid during work hours. And the only reason I’m not gawking at Jessica today is ‘cause I don’t want my eyes to bulge out of my skull and whistle louder than a train at a funeral, I have some decency,” Wolf defended himself. “George, Junior, back me up here.”

The two bears shook their heads, they’ve only been drawn about a year ago and didn’t wanna get into any drama.

“N-n-n-now now, let’s all just get through today,” I tried to cool everyone’s jets as the eulogy began. 

Some toons hate each other so much that any other day they’d come swinging with a mallet, but not today.

“Today we co-mmit the body of Brotha’ Acme, to the cold, I say cold, cold ground,” Foghorn Leghorn kicked things off. “We shed no tears for we know that Marvin is going to a better place. That high, high, I say that high-larious place up in the sky.”

You’d find trouble finding a place where toons remain quiet, but at that moment all we heard were sniffling, along with the occasional nose-blowing that sounded like a jazz instrument.

“We say goodbye to a man who was more generous than a homely widow with Sunday supper. Why when Toonkind splattered forth upon this landscape, we wandered the hills without a home. That is until Brother Acme painted up his backyard for us to live in. Thereby creating the old… I say old… neighborhood we know as Toontown.”

It wasn’t so old, at least not to the black-and-white and silent crowd of toons who existed before the town’s founding fourteen years ago. I was created just before Toontown was built, and that was before I became Porky Pig. 

During the sermon, I start to overhear the argument between Jessica and R.K., though they aren’t exactly trying to keep it private until they walked further away. I tell Petunia to wait in her seat as I got up from mine and went to investigate. Ducking behind a tombstone, I start to listen to what they were talking about.

“I did what you asked dammit,” Jessica spat at R.K. “Years of working together, and it ends up like this…”

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” R.K. replied. “If Marvin just sold to Cloverleaf after the photos he’d still be alive.”

Jessica fumed. “He’d still be alive if you didn’t try to blackmail him in the first place! Acme was your best friend for years, long before most toons existed! And you forced me to - eugh !” She shivered. “Play patty cake with him. If you hadn’t threatened to fire me and Roger-”

“I-I swear I didn’t think Roger would-”

“I ruined my lover’s trust, all for you! Your one job was to protect Roger and now Doom and his Toon Patrol are after him!” Jessica cried out. “You know what they’ll do to him…”

R.K. lowered his head. “It’s out of my hands Jessica, nothing we can do.”

“What if I go public with this? Huh?!”

“Oh please, like they’d take a toon’s word over a human.” R.K. scoffed. “Look, just give me what I want, and maybe I can find you a new co-star. I’m sure Raoul can get one of the boys to draw up another rabbit-OOF!”

With no hesitation, Jessica understandably knees Maroon in the crotch, and the human falls down to his knees in pain as she storms off, and as my eyes followed her they stopped at a tree, where right under the shade was a man in a hat that leaned on the trunk. It seemed like I wasn’t the only one eavesdropping.

“Eddie?” I murmured to myself.

“Easy! Easy will ya?!”

 Turning back to the funeral, I see the coffin being brought in, one of the pole bearers being Felix, who was so taken aback that all he could muster was a ‘sob’ thought bubble above his head. 

“Gawsh! Paul Bearin’s shore hard work, ain’t it? A-hyuck!” Goofy commented.

“We’re bearing Paul? I thought we were bearing Acme. Arf Arf Arf!” Popeye laughed heartily carrying from the back.

Bluto, on the other side, wasn’t taking that lightly. “Ey, show some respect for the dead.”

‘He would’ve loved it, ’ Felix bubbled. 

Popeye rolled his one good eye at his old rival. “Please, this stiff ain’t nothin’. You should’ve seen me island hopping the Pacific, clearing out spider holes full o’ Japs, trying to stop Kamikazes from sinking our ships and recovering bodies of G.I.’s. Oh wait, you didn’t! You weren’t in the Toon Platoon were ya, ya coward?”

“Hey! Someone had to stay back home on the police force!” Bluto lifted his fits up ready to brawl, leading Popeye to do so himself.

“Well hey now!” Goofy tried to defuse the situation but let go of the coffin with Felix trying to help, leading one man to carry the casket.

“Hold it, ya varmints! Gah ! Fine, I’ll plant him muh-self!” Yosemite Sam hollered as his body barely lifted the coffin above the ground, tossing it into the hole rather haphazardly. As the human funeral director helped straighten out the coffin, we just watched our town founder, our friend, as he was lowered into his grave while one of his favorite tunes started playing. It was hard for us toons not to sing along one last time…

‘‘All around the mulberry bush’’

‘‘The monkey chased the weasel’’

‘‘The monkey thought it was all in good fun…’’

Once the coffin touched the ground, the harlequin mascot from Harvey Cartoons sprung up with a sign simply saying ‘Sad, ain’t it?’

‘‘Pop! Goes the weasel.’’

We all sat in silence, for most toons present it was their first time experiencing death. There were a few members of the Toon Platoon present, but only god knows what they’ve seen, all I know is that some of them were never the same seeing combat in action, and the sad fact was that the American Toons got off easy. Toons made in Europe and Asia witnessed a lot worse, and that’s not even mentioning the horror stories of the Axis Toons.

Of course, there was one member of the Toon Platoon not present. Granted, most of us toons knew Roger, and we knew he’d never hurt a fly, heck he went out of his way to save Swat the Fly back in Austria. Swat himself couldn’t make it, last we heard Slappy helped him into hiding, at least until Doom calls off the manhunt.

The air stood quiet among us, too quiet if you asked me. Of course, Acme would play one last prank before kicking the bucket, and just as the harlequin stopped bouncing around, he burst open, and out came a white specter hovering above.

“Hi!” Casper the Friendly Ghost said. “Will you be my friend?”

And like that, the silence was over.

“G-G-G-GHOST!”

“AHHH!”

“RUN!”

Ironically it was the Lonesome Ghosts that ran off first. Everyone in attendance, toon and human alike, started trampling each other, knocking chairs down, stomping on wreaths, and booking it back to their cars. As Petunia and I headed back to our car, I saw Bugs and Mickey pull up the road right next to Eddie in a convertible, with Humphrey Bogart and Clark Gable in tow.

“Pardon me, Doc. I hate to interrupt your bird watchin’ but is this the right boneyard for the Acme funeral?”

The private eye shook his head in dismay and left soon after. “When it comes to funerals, Toons are worse than the Irish!”

Porky: T-t-t-The Irish do tend to be quicker with their d-d-d-dead.

Later that day I reported back to the Toontown Police Department, and me and Captain Pete the Cat took our findings to Lt. Santino at the LAPD station downtown. However, they weren’t interested in any information we brought to the ongoing investigation. 

“B-b-b-but I don’t understand…”

Santino shook his head. “Look boys, the case was given to Superior Court Judge Doom, it’s no longer my responsibility.”

Pete, as usual, wasn’t having it. “Now listen here sonny boy, we have information that R.K. Maroon is involved in this murder, meaning that there’s a chance that Roger is innocent-”

“And this ‘information’ is Porky’s word against a jury,” Santino clarified. “Just bring it to Doom’s office and make an appeal-”

“We do that and Roger’s goose is cooked!” Pete slammed his fist on the human officer’s desk. “I would hope that our fellow boys in blue would help one of their own out.”

Santino rolled his eyes. “Please, like we’re on the same team. I don’t magically pull out anvils from my pocket and entertain a bunch of kids.” 

“S-s-s-sir please, just promise that you’ll keep this from Doom,” I pleaded. 

The cop raised an eyebrow. “If Doom starts sniffin' around, I can’t lie under oath. That’ll get me under hot water.”

“J-j-j-just say nothing, at least until more evidence comes along.”

Santino looked at us for a moment, almost with pity, and sighed heavily, taking my report and locking it in his drawer. “Don’t make me regret this, now get out before anyone notices.”

Pete and I hustled out of the station and continued our nightly patrol of Toontown. It wasn’t until a day later did the whole conspiracy came out about Maroon and Doom, and thankfully that information Santino had helped build a valid case for our independence.

Bugs: Fun fact, that day before the funeral me and Mick went out golfing with Humphrey and Clark, and I was this close to slamming my driver into Bogie’s head when he made me miss hole 18. Ah, good times, even when we were living under the boot of a wannabe Gestapo.

To be fair, Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2 has been reused a bunch before these two shorts came out, even in Mickey Mouse's Opry House for crying out loud: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DARLjh197qQ

Early 1947 - Toontown Square Café

“Who the heck does the Academy think they are?!” I glanced at the latest edition of The Tattler, congratulating Tom & Jerry on their Oscar win for The Cat Concerto . It was after an article about the latest missing Toon case, Smack the Mosquito.  “You sure Tex didn’t steal Friz’s notes before leaving Termite Terrace?”

Porky shook his head. “E-e-e-Even if MGM ripped off Rhapsody Rabbit, which they didn’t-”

“Debatable,” I quipped.

Porky rolled his yes. “If they did, T-t-t-Tex left years ago and has his own unit, the one unit at MGM that doesn’t make Tom & Jerry shorts.”

I sighed and slumped down on my seat, chewing my carrot while quietly contemplating on my swift vengeance. “Ugh, I leave for one more USO tour and come back to find out another award’s been robbed from me. Now I know how it feels for the Japs to come home from their three-year summer camp out in the desert only to find out everyone took their stuff while they were gone.”

“T-t-t-that’s not an accurate comparison.”

“Could’ve at least nominated me…” I pouted.

“Well hey, out of the two ph-shorts that included a piano ph-sequence, at least Musical Moments from Chopin didn’t win,” Daffy aired out while mindlessly munching on a sandwich. 

That managed to cheer me up a bit. “He-he, yeah screw Hardaway and Lantz.”

Daffy stopped chewing. “You mean ph-screw Andy Panda and Woody Woodpecker?”

“Oh, yeah them too…” I didn’t know I still hold grudges this long. Compared to Elmer or Yosemite, the only one to get under my skin was Cecil Turtle. He’s a thorn in my side for two shorts too many, hopefully, in the third one coming out in May, I’ll get the best of him.

“Ooh, ph-speaking, looky there,”

Whipping my head back, I see the pair from Universal, along with their Puppetoon companions in the center of the square. In fact, there were numerous toons from different studios that all started showing up. Most were murmuring to themselves, others were silent, what caught me off guard was that no one was laughing.

Looking at my fellow Looney Tunes, we left our seats and walked toward the growing crowd, but we started to regret our collective decision as we approached the scene. One toon gathered the crowd to tell their story, and it was none other than our own Slappy Squirrel, along with Swat the Fly.

“Would ya listen to me?!” She yelled at the onlookers. “Now I know this sounds crazy, hell half this stinkin’ town’s off its rocker, but I’m serious, I saw Doom kill him!”

Half of them scoffed while the other showed genuine concern.

“It's true,” Swat nasally cried. “H-He didn’t even see it comin’...”

“Ph-Slappy, if Doom finally lost it and whacked a human, that just means he’ll be ph-sent to prison,” Daffy, unaware of what was going on, assumed that Slappy was referring to a human murder. “Heck, this could be a good thing, not ph-so much that he killed a person but if Doom is ph-sent to the ph-slammer-”

“Daffy you don’t get it,” Slappy shook her head fast. “I don’t think there’s even a law that says killing a toon is murder.”

After she said that, you could hear a pin needle drop clear as day. I know Slappy’s not one to lie, she is more akin to physical comedy, and there was little comedy in this bit if it was.

“Get real Squirrel,” one of the seven dwarfs (the non-racist version) Grumpy wasn’t buying. “If you hadn’t noticed before, nothing can kill us.”

“You should’ve told that to Smack…” Swat sniffled. “Survived the war only to be taken out by that… that monster…!”

Soon enough whispers from the crowd emerged, whispers about missing Toons in the recent weeks, leaving no trace whatsoever.

wwwWWWOOOooo!

Before most of us get a chance to believe them, we hear the faint sound of a siren grow louder, only to see the Toon Patrol Wagon pull up behind the makeshift platform in the town square. We see the Weasel goons come out of the back, wheeling in a couple of black barrels with a bunch of hazardous labels. And soon enough, our little despot showed his face and stood on the platform front and center.

“Citizens of Toontown!” Doom boomed out of his mouth. “Your days of unruly chaos and disorderly conduct have come to an end, no need to thank me.”

That started to cause an uproar in the crowd, many toons including myself didn’t take him seriously to begin with, even though he was more terrifying than most cogs. Before today, we just laughed him out of the room. Just as some were ready to chuck some tomatoes, the weasels primed their Tommy guns.

“Don’t even think about it ya animals!” One of them barked at the steadily angry crowd.

“You’re one to talk smart ass!” I shot back at the weasel.

“Uh, actually that’s Smart Ass,” The weasel in green pointed to the one in pink. “I’m Greasy.”

“Well, you sure look the part if you think those pea shooters can hurt us stupid!”

The one with the baseball cap with his tongue hanging out stepped forward. “Duh, that’s actually my name-”

“ ENOUGH of this nonsense!”

Everyone turned to the man in black. “This town is filled with nothing but insanity, but as your judge, I’m proud to say that your protection is now secured.” 

Snapping his fingers, one of Doom’s weasels, the one who was all wheezy, walked to the patch of grass nearby and picked up a flower, which was not happy being plucked in the middle of spring.

“ Hey, what's the big idea you $&#%!!! ” The little daisy squeaked.

Meanwhile, Doom pulled out a rubber glove and put it on, opening one of the oil drums, and from it emanated a smell so vile that most toons nearby (myself included) gagged audibly. Even the weasels started coughing, especially the one in the straightjacket that looked completely psycho.

“Last night we apprehended the criminal scum known as Smack the Mosquito,” Doom hollered. “He didn’t come in quietly, so we had to exercise lethal force.”

Much of the crowd now seemed nervous, hearing that somehow, someway Doom killed a toon.

“LIAR!” Swat yelled at the judge with tears in his eyes. “He and I didn’t get a great start, but Smack was a war hero! Saved a dozen men of the 442nd Infantry Regiment in Italy, only to come back home struggling to find work. Life wasn't easy when Fleischer went under. Sure he picked a pocket or two, but he never hurt anyone, you just picked him off the streets and killed him in cold blood!”

Virtually all of us agreed, everyone knew Smack was a rogue but grew a heart of gold despite seeing the worst in humanity. You’d think our country would welcome him with warm open arms, a new mortgaged house, and a job with a sweet salary. If the humans didn’t reward the Nisei, Chicanos, Indians, or the Negroes for their service, what makes you think they’d give any of that to a drawing?

Heck, the times' Smack was caught and thrown into the station lockup, he and Porky played a few rounds of Go Fish, and sure Smack cheated Porky out of a few bucks, but it was all fun and games. Doom wasn’t entertaining the idea.

“Let this be a lesson to you all. You follow the rules, and go on with your lives.” Doom grabs the daisy and holds them over the smoking vat of green liquid, the flower gasping for air. “You break the rules, and you will be punished.” He looked at the little flower, struggling to breathe while being choked by Doom’s grasp, and coughing from inhaling the fumes of the vat. “For example, don’t touch the grass…”

He lowered the flower into the vat, and all we could do was stare in absolute horror as the little one screamed in sheer pain. This wasn’t like a voice actor yelling out their lines in a booth, this was genuine suffering, the flower screeched its vocal cords out as the smoke rose from the vat, attempting to cover the vicious act, but it was not enough. I couldn’t shut my eyes without seeing the image of the toon melting away into nothingness. I pulled on my ears so hard just to drown out the piercing cries, with little success 

Half the toons right then and there panicked, and rightfully so. People screamed like crazy and ran for the hills, others with weak stomachs just vomited out of pure disgust. Daffy was one of them, losing his sandwich in the process. Slappy grabbed Swat and ran off before the weasels could catch him for petty theft too, with Porky, himself reeling from what just happened, distracting the Toon Patrol.

“W-w-w-wait just a darn minute! Y-y-y-you can’t just, j-j-j-just murder a toon in public!”

“Oh? You wanna go next pig?!” Smart Ass threatened him, only to be stopped by Doom himself.

“At ease,” Doom lifted his hand from the barrel and approached Porky, who was this close to dying out of fear. “Currently there’s no such law against my actions, in fact, I wouldn’t even consider this killing, rather….erasing a problem with a final solution ,” he gritted his teeth in a half-smile, reveling in what he had unleashed. “Go back to your patrol officer, leave the hard work to us.”

Doom stepped back from Porky, then gave one last chilling announcement before leaving.

“Until order and peace are restored, I will serve this town as judge, jury, and executioner .”

Obligatory haunting song from the era: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQ2AuLaClmk  

To be continued...

Chapter Text

Daffy: It ph-sure was wild times.

I think this goes without saying much else: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jKVnur5DkdI  

October 5, 1945 - Warner Bros. Studio Lot Entrance

The strike had been going on for about 6 months now. You’d think after we beat back Germany and Japan that the major studios would be happy to negotiate with the Conference of Studio Unions (CSU) on paying set decorators, especially since hundreds of films have been put on hold.

Surprisingly Disney was the only one that was open to bargaining, Mickey himself moderated between Roy O. and Herbert Sorrell, and it didn’t help that the rival International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees (IATSE) was planning to let their members fill in the CSU vacant spots. 

The Screen Cartoonist’s Guild remained neutral, but that didn’t stop some animators and toons from helping out the picket line at the studio. Porky was still a cop and couldn’t join in, and Chuck had his fair share of striking back in ‘41 and sat out this round, so I took it upon myself to entertain the hundreds of strikers, with a little help.

“Hitler told the world around he would tear our union down, ” I sang one verse, mockingly ‘heiling’ the dead kraut.

“But our union's gonna break them slavery chains”, and Bugs picked up right after, strumming a guitar.

“Our union's gonna break them ph-slavery chains,” we sang in unison. 

As it turns out, we make a good pair. Sure, he ain’t Porks, but Bugs is alright to hang out with. 

“Ph-say, wanna sneak up on top of the water tower? We can TP the entire studio lot!” I suggested to Bugs.

He contemplated on the matter but shook his head. “That sounds dandy and all, but you know we’re all under contract by Warner and Plotz. Until Jack croaks, if we’re 100 feet near the water tower our contracts are terminated. ”

I sighed, this must be what Eve felt when that juicy apple was dangling right in front of her. “Ah c’mon, I doubt Ralph will notice, plus I hear ph-Slappy ph-sneaks up there a lot recently.”

“Then she’s probably looking to get fired, I ain’t doc.”

Leaving the matter behind, we continued to play to our fans and fellow workers. It was a good time, making the CSA members laugh, but the fun ended when some of the replacement workers tried breaking through the crowd and getting inside the studio, with Ralph and studio security barely keeping them from attacking.

“Duh, hold on a sec! Please don’t be mad, I don’t likes it!”

The crowd grew only more agitated as we heard sirens. Up the road we saw none other than our new Judge of Toontown, conversing with the cops and signaling them to drive cars filled with replacement workers to drive through the crowd in an attempt to disperse, and the strikers weren’t having it, stopping the cars and tipping them over. Once Doom signaled the cops to handle the crowd themselves, all hell broke loose, and it turned into an all-out brawl.

“Oh boy, this is getting too hot,” Bugs said.

“Really?” I added as I pulled out a large thermometer. “I hadn’t noticed we were in Southern California, by the way, on your left.”

“On my what-OW, hey!” Bugs barely had a chance to turn around, only to be lifted by his ears by a burly officer. 

“You’re coming with us Rabbit-”

‘BONK !’

Getting behind the cop, I climbed on top of him and smashed my thermometer on his head, and like that the human came tumbling down.

Attracting the attention of a nearby cop, Bugs struck his guitar up the man’s jaw, knocking him out clean. As the scene grew more chaotic, strikers using lead pipes against the police, Bugs realized it was time to leave. “Okay, let’s bail, follow me.” 

He dug down into the ground, with me plunging in as I jumped off a diving board. “Woo hoo-hoo!”

It was my first time following him down a rabbit hole, and little did I know that Bugs was a natural from getting from one place to another. Once we returned topside, I noticed we wound up in the middle of one of Termite Terrace’s sound stages. 

“Huh, that was quick.”

Bugs snickered. “He-he, man that was a riot! We should hang out more Daff, you free tonight?”

Oh man, was he serious? I haven’t told anyone, not even Porky, but to hang out with Bugs Bunny of all toons is too good to be true.

“Bugsy, you can count me-”

“Where the heck have you been?!”

I sighed. “Out.” Turning to my left, I see my sweet loon. “Agnes! Don’t you look stunning-!” 

Smack !

It took me a second to realize she wasn’t in a happy mood. Granted she’s a new toon and meant to be my love interest in this new picture.

“We’ve been waiting for you all day to show up to shoot Nasty Quacks, and you’ve been messing around with Bugs?” Agnes accused.

That statement caused the hare’s ears to droop down. “Well I wouldn’t call it messing around-”

“Whatever! Come on Daffy, we’re burning daylight and film” she grabbed me by the arm and talked my ear off. “Now should I keep my name Agnes, or should I switch it? I feel like Melissa is a better fit.” 

“I-I call you Daffy, see you around,” Bugs just walked off set, almost dejected. Wonder why?

Porky: T-t-t-that was called Hollywood Black Friday for a reason.

The birth of Rock n Roll: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-88l-M0KgkI  

November 1944 - Toontown Judicial Election, Toontown Square

“And that’s it, the votes are in,” The announcer, Betty Boop, checked with the ballot counters as they came to a final result. 

Things have been rough since the war began, most cartoons made were just blatant cheap propaganda, and as much as it was fun making fun of Hitler or Tojo, this left a lot of new toons that were branded as stereotypes. 

What was strange about the whole election was Doom popping out of nowhere. His original opponent was the pro-Toon candidate, Wendy Rowan. She was one of the good ones, her and local aspiring actor Ritchie Davenport, the latter of whom was suddenly and mysteriously drafted earlier in the year. With Ritchie gone, it took a toll on Wendy, but she pushed through. 

“Who’s your money on Porky?” Bluto asked. “I got $10 on Rowan winning by 1000 votes, Pete’s in the pool for double.”

“G-g-g-gee, I guess she is the best bet. Wish R-r-r-Ritchie was here to see this.”

Bluto sighed. “Yeah, last I heard he went missing flying over France. The European Squad of the Toon Platoon is hot on his trail, so hopefully they’ll bring ‘em back.”

“Y-y-y-yeah, hopefully.”

And speaking of the Toon Platoon, it was hard having to go through life knowing that our own kind was thrown into this war took a toll on us all. Bluto, as much as he hates Popeye, misses the Sailor Man antics and wishes him well, especially after his latest letter from the island of Peleliu. 

He and I were assigned to oversee the antsy crowd of toons, who weren’t exactly happy that they weren’t allowed to elect their own Superior Court Judge, rather it was a special election split between the various nearby districts and their residents.

 It was the first proper election in our neighborhood since Acme Corp. had to secede the town to LA judicial control, though the company still owned the land, it just so happened we ain’t just a company town anymore. Some toons were happy about not being part of a large corporation, some begged Marvin to renegotiate with the city, so we didn’t have to worry about being run by cogs. 

Despite being a businessman himself, Marvin was always looking out for us, unlike some other humans. Since most humans living nearby always submit noise complaints, it was no surprise that voters chose a more strict judge to oversee Toontown.

“Drumroll please!” 

‘Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta!’

As Bimbo the Dog rattled his drum, Koko the Clown handed Betty the results. 

“And our new judge is…” The former flapper’s smile slowly turned upside down. “... Judge Doom.”

Much of the square gasped in response, myself included. Many were confused about how he beat Wendy, I was surprised that his first name was Judge. Would that make him Judge Judge Doom?

“Thank you, thank you for your support,” The man congratulated himself as he climbed up to the podium and shoved Betty aside. “As your new judge, I promise to bring order to the streets, to cull out any disobedience, and to bring this neighborhood to a new era, a clean slate-”

‘SPLAT !’

I didn’t get a good look at who threw it, but they earned the reputation of ‘the tomato heard round the neighborhood ’. It was soon followed by another, then another, and Doom was not happy about his black outfit being pelted by old tomatoes.

“What the-stop it! Bleh !”

Bluto, a keeper of the peace, joined in on the fun himself. “Haha! That’s it, give him the ol Toontown welcome!”

Bugs: … In retrospect, we should’ve gone easy with the tomatoes, granted Doom was always a freak. 

Fun fact, the following short was the first of many cartoons to feature this certified hood classic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaC0vNLdLvY  

1943 - Termite Terrace, Warner Bros. Studio Lot

I’ve only existed for about 3 years, 5 if you included my time before I got my name. By the time I was famous, the war kicked off, and my work schedule was filled to the brim. One minute I’m singing ‘ Camptown Races ’ with Elmer in blackface, the next I’m playing Superman, now the upcoming short is gonna be me nipping some nips. I have no idea what nips are, maybe Friz meant nipples? (IT WASN'T). Now I’m about to be shipped off on tour with Bob Hope giving our troops some much-needed entertainment before storming off to Europe or the Pacific.

But before I leave, Schlesinger offered me a little cameo in Porky and Daffy’s latest film. And with the chance to star in a film with the most popular Toon duo, how could I pass up?

“So I just go in behind the door and open when it’s my cue, got it Porky,” I assured my co-star as I sat in my makeup chair. 

“G-g-g-great, thanks for doing this last minute b-b-b-by the way.”

“No problem, just be sure to kill it like you always do.”

“A-a-a-aw stop.”

Since this is a Looney Tunes short and not a Merrie Melodies short, I had to change my color scheme to black and white. It was relatively easy, considering my fur coat was already gray. 

While getting the inside of my ears done by one of the ink-and-paint girls, I read the latest issue of the Tattler, expecting a report on the recent Zoot Suit Riots, only to be greeted by nothing but campaign advertisements demanding human residents to ‘Vote for Doom! Or else…’ Whoever this schmuck is he managed to buy up the entire front page, must be desperate to try and beat out Wendy. I put the paper down when I overhear a certain duck next door.

“... Okay Daffy, it’s no big deal, just gotta ph-share the same screen with one of your idols, no big deal. ”

Wait, that’s what he thinks about me? Huh, to think I made such an impression… Once my ink job was done I knocked on my co-star’s dressing room door. 

“Don’t come in yet, I’m indecent!”

Unfortunately, I had already opened the door before being told otherwise, only to see the duck in the middle of trying out a slim cocktail dress with sequins that hugged his waist. Quickly, I shut the door behind us before anyone noticed. “S-sorry, I didn’t mean to-” I stopped and took a longer look at the dress. “Is that from the latest Coulter catalog?”

Daffy, initially nervous and armed with a mallet ready to knock me out if need be, relaxed his shoulders and dropped the weapon. “A-actually I ordered it from Gimbels. Took a while to get from one coast to the other.”

“I didn’t know you were getting all dressed up in this flick.”

Daffy began stripping down, and I wasn’t sure if I should turn away or not, considering that he’s usually naked anyway. “Nah, it’s just for fun, I mean I’m not even sold on the color choice, I’m already pitch black, so it doesn’t match, just blends in and makes my skin look sparkly.”

“So find one that matches,” I gave him fashion advice. “If you ask me you should go for a more puffy dress, some nice colorful frills would go nicely. You could be the next Carmen Miranda.”

Daffy hummed in agreement. “Good choice, tell you what, why not hold on to this for me?” He handed me the dress. “You always did look good in whatever you wore.”

My eyes widen, and my cheeks felt warm. I don’t think I was meant to feel like this, so I shake my head to get any nasty thoughts out of my head and flash a cocky smile. “So, you’ve been checking me out then?”

Daffy backtracked and stumbled his words worse than Porky. “Pfft, p-please don’t f-flatter yourself.”

I grinned, seeing as I didn’t need to flatter myself since he was doing it for me. 

When Porky called us down to the set, we got in position, where I hid behind the door and held the phone in my hand before giving Daffy a little wink.

“Break a leg Daff.”

Daffy gasped. “A nickname? I’m honored.”

And with that, the sound of a clapperboard began production. “Porky’s Pig Feat, Scene 39, Take One!”

"Gosh, if Bugs Bunny was only here,” Porky said.

Daffy nodded. “Yeah, Bugs Bunny, my hero!” 

Daffy: … man I was a dork.

1942 - First National Bank of Toontown

After Pearl Harbor, most toons that were out of a job were suddenly highly sought commodities. Most worked at Acme, helping the war effort. Marvin converted half of the factory’s services to weapon manufacturing. Plenty of stars entertained our troops on USO shows, and with the formation of the elite Toon Platoon, some of us plucky toons can serve alongside our boys in green. Others became boys in blue to help keep the peace at home, and even though Porky was still working at Termite Terrace, he volunteered to be a cop.

And right now we were in the middle of a stakeout. 

“W-w-w-we?” Porky asked me in the patrol car. “ I-I-I-I was in a stakeout, y-y-y-you were passing by and hopped inside e-e-e-even when I told you to go away!”

Reeling back from his sudden outburst, I continued to look in my binoculars at the joint we were casing.

“W-w-w-we’re not c-c-c-casing the bank!”

‘How can he read my thoughts? It’s almost as if I’m speaking them out loud-’

“Y-y-y-you are!”

“I looked down at my mouth moving and… oh, that makes ph-sense.”

Porky grumbles to himself and steals back his binoculars and stares at the bank. “T-t-t-there’s been a lot of r-r-r-robberies lately. But one suspect has been causing a lot of n-n-n-noise, ain’t that right Smack?” 

I turned to the backseat to see the bug in handcuffs waving at me.

“Yeah, believe me when I say that this guy is nuts, nuts I tell ya,” Smack was no stranger to the criminal underbelly of Toontown, but his face looked spooked. “You hear about some toons with a few screws loose, but me n’ Swat ran into this guy in an alleyway, gave off a bad feeling, his eyes were red with bloodlust. Gave me and Swat the willies with that smile of his.”

“Y-y-y-you don’t say…”

Smack shivered. “Sure, the humans are robbin’ the Nissei and their families blind after Uncle Sam kicked them out of their homes and businesses, but I have some standards, there’s a code among us thieves, this guy doesn’t play by those rules. Rumor has he’s got a kill count already….” 

“... Yikes,” I uttered. “And the police put Porky of all people in charge?!”

“H-h-h-hey!” Porky sounded offended. “... w-w-w-we also got the Valiant Brothers nearby-”

‘BOOM!’

‘BANG BANG!’

‘RINGRINGRINGRINGRING!’

Our heads twisted back once we heard the screams of toons inside the bank. Porky handed the radio to Swat and told him to call in for backup, then left the car with me following right behind.

Normally you shouldn’t run towards a bank where the alarm just went off following gunshots, but toons aren’t known for backing away from a fight. We reached the doors only to be pushed back down the stairs. 

Allow me to introduce myself: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5_GxRi9jKM  

Looking back up we saw the perp carrying bags of cash in his arms. Smack wasn’t kidding about how terrifying he was. Granted, he was dressed in all black and had no visible traits except for the eyes, but that stare left an impression for sure.

“Geez, whoever drew this guy had ph-some issues…”

Porky, not one to dawdle, ran with a baton in hand, only to be walloped back by a mallet the rogue toon manifested from his hand. Without thinking much, I leaped from behind to try and subdue the robber, only for him to snap his head backward like an owl, grabbing me by the throat and tossing me around worse than a little girl with her Raggedy Ann doll.

Just as he extended his free hand and transformed it into a buzz saw, he looked at me with pure hatred and viciousness, like a predator to prey-

‘BANG!’

The sound of the gunshot wasn’t what caught me off-guard, but rather how the bullet in question stopped in midair right in front of us. 

“Uh, ‘scuse me, which one of y’all is robbin’ this here bank?”

I quickly pointed towards the toon strangling me, and thankfully the bullet just shrugged and agreed. “Works’ fer’ me.” The little cowboy proceeded to pierce the robber in the gut, taking him down and releasing me from his grasp.

Taking in a deep breath, I lift my head to see none other than the ace shooter himself Eddie Valiant, with Teddy leading the charge. The robber, quickly picking himself right back up, flexed his shoulder to pick off the bullet and ran down the stairs and into a nearby alleyway, his feet turning into springs that made him move faster than the humans could catch up.

“Damn, he’s fast!” Teddy exclaimed, helping me and Porky back up. “You two check inside the bank and help anyone who’s hurt, Eddie and I will chase after him.”

“G-g-g-got it, backup is on the way, b-b-b-be careful!”

Porky and I complied with the human brothers, and we entered the bank, only to be greeted by toons struggling to lift themselves off of anvils, some of their heads were into the ground. Mallet and buzz saw markings covered the floor and walls, and the remnants of the smoking vault door meant this guy was armed with some TNT. 

Thankfully it was a toon bank, no one was mortally wounded, though plenty of customers and workers caught in the crossfire groaned in pain.

“Ow, you can’t even make a deposit in this town without some shenanigans like this!” Olive Oyl commented, strung up on the ceiling fan like noodles. 

I got on top of Porky to help her down, but the process wasn’t helped by the fan still being on and her limbs flinging in a circle.

‘CRASH !’ ‘Ting-ting!  ’

Any toon would recognize the sound of a grand piano falling down on a toon, but what concerned us all was that it came from outside, and rather than a ‘splat’ sound to follow after, it was more akin to a ‘squish’, one that wasn’t funny at all.

By the time Porky and I got to the alleyway, we were taken aback by the scene.

“... t-Teddy?”

It seemed that Eddie managed to get out of the way, but Teddy wasn’t so fortunate, seeing that his head was practically gone.

“ TEDDY !”

The hard-boiled detective that had a great sense of humor was tearing up as he clutched his brother’s bloody body, pulling him from the wreckage 

“...ha-ha-ha…”

Looking up at the row of buildings above, the culprit stared down at the human with those same haunting eyes, but showed off his menacing smile to his sickly delights, laughing to himself for his actions.

“HAHAHAHA! AHA-HAHAHAHA! ”

Porky: *Shivers* N-n-n-never wanna relieve that again…

June 1941 - Walt Disney Studios, Picket Line

You’d think after releasing the first American feature-length animated film and becoming the biggest film of the year would lead Disney to share the profits with the hard-working employees, at least give a bonus. You’d also think that after the Fleischer Strike in ‘37 that Disney wouldn’t make the same mistakes as Max and Dave, especially since they had to move operations from New York down to Miami, and word is they’re still in the red with the Superman shorts going over budget. 

Granted, the money did go into the new studio after moving out of Hyperion Avenue, but with the way the hierarchy was, many of the head writers and animators got the benefits of the ‘penthouse club’ versus everyone else was and how some people were doing the same job, but one was making 10 times more than the other pushed the line.

What Walt didn’t expect was his top dog Art Babbitt joined with Herbert Sorrel and began the strike (rumor has it that Walt never looked Goofy in the eyes afterward). Granted Goofy wasn’t exactly happy with Art that he married the fourteen-year-old dance model of Snow White.

Following Pinocchio and Fantasia bombed at the box office and half the potential profits scrapped in Europe (for obvious reasons) now hundreds of artists and toons were on the picket line, with one of the Three Little Pigs carrying a sign that read “Down with preferential firing!” or the wooden boy himself carrying a sign that read “ There are no strings on me! ”

Now why was I there you may ask? My first day on the new job as a Toontown Police Officer, and I was assigned to watch over the protest. Not gonna lie, I was nervous, it was only just recently the city of Los Angeles allowed toons to join the force (mostly because too many human police got injured) so a lot of stake was on this job. We only intervened when things got hot, which started when a bunch of shirtless guys in hoods come bringing in a guillotine, and of course, the figure with his head ready to be chopped up happened to have a familiar pair of rabbit ears peaking under a cloak.

“B-b-b-bugs? That you?” I approached him

“Aw, what gave me away doc?”

I rolled my eyes. “Y-y-y-you realize Chuck and Tex aren’t gonna be h-h-h-happy about this right?”

The bunny snicked. “Oh please, after what happened on set of The Heckling Hare, Tex will ditch us like Ben. As for Chuck, take a look at one of the schmucks in rags and tell me which is him?”

I whipped my head back and forth, hoping that he wasn’t serious while also trying to corral the antsy protestors. 

And if it ain’t just my luck that the man and mouse himself pull up from the road and Art Babbitt on the microphone calling him out.

“ Walt Disney, you oughta be ashamed of yourself! There he is, the man who believes in brotherhood for everybody but himself. ”

Walt slammed his brakes right in front of the group of angry artists and left his car.

“Oh, you commie sons of bitches…”

“Walt, don’t!” Mickey tried to calm him down, barely managing to stop a fistfight between his creator and Goofy’s, many of the protestors gasped horrified while Bugs was the only one egging them on.

“Fight! Fight! Fight!”

Bugs : *Shrugs* What can I say? I like a good brawl.  Why’d you think I agreed to join Multiversus ? 

1940 -Termite Terrace Sound Stage One

“Ehh, what’s up dork ? No wait, let’s try again.” I cleared my throat. “What’s up dog ? AGH!”

C’mon Bunny, this is your official debut. You’ve been rehearsing with Mel for weeks, you’ve rewatched It Happened One Night a dozen times with Bob and mimicked that carrot munching scene and nailed it every time, get your act together! Granted, Tex could’ve given us a heads-up about my new catchphrase. Apparently, when he went to North Dallas High School it was a common phrase, but I don’t get it. Elmer ain’t a doctor in this short.

Me and my fellow co-star sat in our actors chairs waiting for Tex’s go-ahead when I ask a simple question, hoping for a simple answer.

“Say Elmer, is Ben coming in today? I’ve been meaning to ask him about my new act.”

Elmer’s face turned somber, meaning it wasn’t a simple answer after all. “Well gosh, I’m sowwy to say that Mr. Hardaway is gone.”

Oh lord, not again! “You’re kidding me, so he got demoted this time around, what is he too good for us!? Don’t tell me he’s leaving for MGM.”

The hunter shook his head. “Nah, they have their hands full with that new duo, Jasper and Jinx?”

“I think they’re called Tom n’ Jerry nowadays, but where is Ben heading?”

Elmer shrugged. “Word on the st-weet is he’s moving to Walter Lantz, they’re making a bird character for the Andy Panda shorts.”

I slumped down on my chair. Granted, Ben wasn’t the best artist in the studio, at least that’s what Chuck always said, and I did get most of my personality from Tex and Bob, but I am named after him, now he’s moving to a new studio a second time? Give me a break.

“Hey, for what it’s worth, I’ll always been a-wound to shoot you,” Elmer tried to cheer me up, he really is my nemesis. 

“Hehe, and I’ll be sure to drive you insane doc. Hey, I finally got it!”

Tex called the crew to their places, and the camera starts rolling. “ A Wild Hare, Scene one take one! ”

Elmer crept along the set.

“Shh. Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting wabbits.”

The scene progesses with me grabbing a carrot from the hole and messing around with Elmer and his double barrel. 

I chew on my carrot. “What's up, Doc?”

And so a legend was drawn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBgAHK36sx4  

Daffy: The rest was history, but trust me when I ph-say you didn’t wanna know this guy before he was drawn.

Bugs: *Cringes* Oh lord please no…

Daffy: *Smirks*. Oh yes, Bugsy-boo, you may not like Woody Woodpecker, but he sure took a lot of inspiration from your early days.

1938 - Porky’s Hare Hunt film set

“Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hehehehe” The new rabbit kept laughing over and over as he ran circles around Porky. 

Normally I would love a new buddy to screw around with, but I’m not a fan of this rabbit copying my debut short verbatim.

The rabbit emerges from the haystack limping as if he’s wounded, only to tell the pig straight to his face, “Of course, you know that this means war!”

Once the film crew was done for the day, I pulled Porks aside. “Ph-say, you’re not gonna ditch me for this new guy are ya?”

My new best friend rolled his eyes. “L-l-l-like I can get rid of you Daffy, believe me I’ve tried…”

“Aw you fat lug you!” I wrapped my arms around the pig as he sighed audibly and grumbled to himself.

“W-w-w-why do I get all the sc-sc-sc-screwballs…?”

Porky: S-s-s-seriously… 

1937 - Porky’s Duck Hunt film set

“ T-t-t-t-that’s all folks! Hmm, m-m-m-maybe try that again Mel, once more.”

When Mr. Schlesinger told me and Tex that they were replacing my voice actor Joe Dougherty with this Blanc guy, I was offended, shocked even that they wouldn’t tell me first. Sure, the studio had a problem with Joe stuttering, but I don’t it personally. No offense to this new VO, but with the way he sounds on Vitaphone, I don’t think he’ll have a future in the business. Oh well, you can only wish them well. 

I’ve been around plenty of weirdos in my time. Being a toon means you come across a lot of zany faces, and even though we were in the middle of a depression, more and more toons kept popping up, now in color too (I wish they put me in Technicolor again, or any color but black 

So when Tex and Bob decide to draw and write this new duck character, I figured it’d be business as usual. Me, the everyman kills a duck, simple, easy.

I was not prepared at all for what happened on set.

“H-h-h-hey, that wasn’t in the script!” I complained after the duck brought back my hunting dog.

“Ha-ha-haha, oh don’t let it worry you skipper. Ha-ha, I’m just a crazy, darn-fooled duck! Hoo-hoo, woo-hoo hoo!” He skipped along the water.

Hopefully, I never have to deal with this duck again. Maybe I should tattle on him about knowing information about the kidnapped Duck Triplets? Maybe he’ll cave to the Valiant Brothers and leave me alone.

Daffy: *Crosses arms* Well ph-sorry for being your only friend before anyone else popped up! Heck, the only other person around that time was Petunia, and she was way worse than she is now.

Porky: H-h-h-hey! … They just didn’t get her p-p-p-personality right the first time. And also, butt out, you guys don’t even exist at this point yet.

1935 - I Haven’t Got a Hat film set

Termite Terrace had made 99 shorts, and now I had the chance to star in the 100th! Granted, the studio had been in a slump since Bosko left with Harman and Ising. Last I heard he along with that Iwerks character Little Black Sambo went and set up a new enclave for ‘Minstrel’ toons such as himself in a small spot in Toontown called New Hooverville. It’s a shame he had to leave, and now they had to fall back on… ugh, Buddy of all toons. But hey, now they’re opening up to new toons to become the next big stars. They’ve brought in some new directors like Fred Avery, Isadore Freleng, and Robert Clampett to help out. 

Since the setting for the short was a school talent show, I was aged down and given a green shirt, and a green hat! Not even a star yet, and they decided to use the two-strip technicolor scheme for us toons. It may not three-strip (Disney still owns the exclusive rights for that) but I ain’t complaining!

Granted, it did help that I happened to just run into Jack Warner during my usual security rounds with Ralph. The big guy didn’t notice, but our upstanding founder just so happened to be smooching with some new broad. Jack Jr. offered me a spot on the short after writing him the whole story and so far Jack Sr. is in the middle of a divorce. That family may be past reconciliation, but at least I got my career starting up at last.

As the camera starts rolling, the school teacher, Miss Cud, calls me up first, and my set is pretty simple: recite Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s poem of Paul Revere's Ride. Easy enough, I just got a new Vitaphone voice box for the occasion. 

I clear my throat. “L-l-l-l-l-l-l-Listen m-m-m-my ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-children, a-a-a-and y-y-y-you sh-sh-sh-shall h-h-h-h-h--h-h-h-he-” I gasped for air. “ Hear !”

I’m a natural!

Porky: O-o-o-out of all the toons that auditioned, it was only me and B-b-b-Beans the Cat that got popular enough to star in our own series, although he only had a few shorts until me and D-d-d-Daffy got popular. Of course, things weren’t easy before-

Dot: Can we get back to my story now?! You guys have been hogging all the air time.

Yakko: Now now sis, I think it’s only fair to let the oldest in the group to talk first.

Porky: T-t-t-thanks Yakko-

Yakko: Which is why I’ll start!

December 31st, 2022 - Pensacola, Florida

“We’re coming to live from Time Square as we will ring in the new year-”

“Next!” Wakko flicks the dial on the box TV to switch it to the local news.

“ - the latest report shows that once Governor DeSantis signs the Central Florida Tourism Oversight District into effect in February it will be detrimental to Orange and Osceola counties. Walt Disney Co. Chairman Mickey Mouse released a statement threatening to cease the construction of a new campus for employees, as well as legal action-”

“Boring! Next.”

He turns the dial once more. 

 “Oh sweet, Toonami is on-”

‘Bonk !’

“Owie!” Our little sibling rubbed his head as the bump extended so much that his hat couldn’t hold it in.

“Put it back ya little runt!” Slappy moved him over and switched it back to Ryan Secreast. “I swears, this is the last favor I owe any of you.”

I sighed. “Sorry to drop in so suddenly Slappy, but we didn’t really have anywhere else to go.”

The elderly toon rolled her eyes. “You’re lucky Skippy decided to stay with his folks this year. You realize that it won’t be long until they find you here right?”

I shrugged. “They haven’t found us yet-’’

BANG BANG BANG!

I sighed. “Why do I yak all the time…?”

The front door rattles, and Slappy, already plopping down on the couch, gestures me to answer it. Once I do, I meet once with the mascot of our lousy company.

“Bugsy…!” I grinned sheepishly, as the three toons in the doorway were not in a happy mood. “I would love to stay and chat, but we’re kinda busy-” I slam the door shut and use every lock Slappy had installed (which was a LOT), then proceed to barricade the door with any furniture that was bolted down, from Slappy’s medicine cabinet to the very couch she and Wakko sat on. 

“Here, use the TV.”

I grabbed the appliance. “Thanks Bugs-” I whipped back to see the trio of toons already in the living room, a rabbit hole set in the middle of the room.

“Oh c’mon!” Slappy groaned. “I just vacuumed after this kid spilled his juice box.”

Wakko continued to sip said juice box, relatively unfazed by the intrusion.

“Whatever ph-Slappy, also don’t you Bugsy him!” Daffy pointed at me. “I’m the only one that gets to call him that.”

Bugs rolled his eyes and focused his frustration on me. “This was the last place on the list in America, if you three weren’t here me, Daffy and Porky would’ve been in Canada, followed by Mexico, Panama, Haiti, you get the rest!”

I laughed nervously as I quickly put back the furniture and unlocked the door. “You know what? Why don’t we talk this out after the new year-”

“W-w-w-we don’t have until the new year!” Porky pleaded. “B-b-b-Brain is running Toontown, he’s p-p-p-practically a new version of Doom! We need Dot back!”

That took me aback a bit. Granted, my sibs and I never knew Doom, one of the perks of being locked up in the water tower I guess, but Slappy’s told stories, made us have a few nightmares in those early years. Speaking of the squirrel, she stood up from the couch.

“Ah great even more uninvited guests,” she groaned. “And exactly how bad can the little rodent be anyway? He pulled out the dip yet?”

“N-n-n-not yet, but I don’t put it p-p-p-past him,” Porky lamented. 

Slappy sighs. “Your mayor’s upstairs in Skippy’s room.”

Wakko gasp. “Traitor!”

“I’ve entertained you lot for long enough. Yakko, you and Bugs head up and talk some sense into the sister. Wakko, take Porks and Feathers out of my house and leave me with my darn TV!”

Everyone nodded in agreement, not wanting to anger our patron any longer, with Wakko leading the B team out of the back door and me taking Bugs up the stairs to a door that says ‘Do Not Enter’.

“That sign can’t stop me because I … am knocking on the door!” Bugs knocks on the door. “Dot c’mon out, I don’t wanna stay in this cesspool swamp of a state any longer than I need to, and I know you feel the same.”

We lean on the door, hoping to hear an answer. “... ugh… ” Followed by the sound of a click from the doorknob. 

 I turn the knob and open the door to see my little sis at the desk, her face deep in her diary as she scribbles away.

“Jotting down some poetry?” I asked.

My little sis simply shrugged. “The Poetry Corner shut down when we left back in ‘03, gotta express my anger somehow, and I already broke two of Slappy’s toasters.”

The rabbit sat himself down and put on his fatherly voice, something he only does for those sappy mandatory PSA’s.

“Alright, talk, we know how this goes, you tell us what’s got you so upset, I tell you everything’s gonna be okay, we cry it out, the audience awwws and we move on to the next scene.”

She still doesn’t look away from her diary. “Nah, I think I’m gonna sit this one out.”

“We can’t if we wanted to Dot,” Bugs put his serious face on. “Brain’s running the town straight to the ground, and you can imagine he’s already one step away from letting the cogs take over.”

“Lemme guess, he’s already started allowing human police forces into the city to quell protests and downplaying his involvement by saying it was out of his hands?”

That caught both me and Bugs off guard. “That was oddly specific, so you’ve heard?”

“Nah, that’s what he’d do first,” Dot shrugged it off and continued. “Next he’ll find a way to take over Butthead’s senator position, use the fact that he got me elected as a way to come off as a radical pro-Toon rights advocate while pushing for more aggressive action. Soon enough he’ll try to convince all of Toonkind to wage a war on humanity, and he’ll rule as general/dictator.”

Typically, I’d ignore any types of rants that Dot would get into, but this was Brain we were talking about, and Bugs seemed taken aback. “… You knew he was behind all this?!”

Dot sighed. “I was passing by Acme Labs to drop off their severance package when the show got canceled when I heard the guy lay out his entire plan to Pinky, after that I told my brothers I was skipping town, and they could join me if they wanted to or not.”

“Which we always would’ve,” I said offended. “Why didn’t you say anything about his plan? Does this mean he’s behind us getting canned in the first place?”

Dot shut her diary hard and lifted her head to face us. “It's Brain we’re talking about, he tries to take over the world every night but fails! Mark my words, he’ll get himself kicked out of office by MLK day. As for if he’s the reason we got canceled, I don’t know, but it makes sense.”

“You… do have a point,” Bugs reasoned. “But the damage he’s already done is bad, if we don’t get rid of him now it’ll be worse for everyone, you three especially if this tracks back.”

“My acting career is already done for a second time, and I’d be lucky to even get nominated for the election!” Dot hissed, visibly distraught. “All I wanted was to goof off and get away scot-free, bring things back to the good old days of toons freely messing around without a care in the world.”

Bugs sighed heavily. “You know the more I think about the ‘good old days’, they weren’t really that good… ”

She shook her head. “I know! I know things weren’t exactly PC back then, heck it was the very reason why my family and I were locked up in a water tower for decades.”

I nodded in agreement. “Yeah, if we make our problem any worse it’ll eventually become everyone’s problem. It's the same thing that happened 90 years ago, only back then all they could do is lock us up and segregate the rest, back then they didn’t have a method to kill us.”

“Or worse, put us in suspended animation!” Dot shivered. “That’s a fate worse than dip, and you want us to go back where everyone hates us?!” 

Bugs rolled his eyes. “Oh please, you’re overexaggerating, you still have plenty of supporters, granted most of them are in lockup right now thanks to Brain…”

Dot crossed her arms. “Not helping your case.”

“Well think about it like this,” I threw my hat into the ring. “You come back, kick out Brain, everyone will love you.”

“Wish it were that easy Yakko,” Dot sighed. “I gave up my title, nothing I can do to get it back.”

“Actually you can, it’s just very ph-specific.”

Our heads turned to the window, where a certain Duck just so happened to appear on the sill.

“Ph-sure, you did give it up, but there’s a clause in the old Articles of Incorporation. If the mayor in charge gave up their position, they can’t ask for it back, however, if both the current and former Mayor are from the ph-same ph-studio, then the ph-studio has the final ph-say in who runs Toontown.”

We all just stared with our mouths agape. 

“What?” Daffy raised an eyebrow. “I read that document back and forth trying to find a loophole to become mayor.”

Bugs sighed happily. “You sure know when to come around Daff.”

“So we have to get Zaslav to agree to that? I think Brain is more negotiable than any other cog in the biz.” Dot pointed out. 

“We don’t need to,” Bugs clarified. “Just give me your shares of the company and combine it with mine and Plotz, and we’ll have the final say. But it’s gotta be now, before the new year for the new fiscal year.”

“We have shares?” I hear Wakko outside.

“It came with the name,” I clarified. “Say Daffy, why are you climbing through the window?” 

“Yeah, well your ph-sibling took us along the beach, and some fatso with a piece strapped on mistook them for Mickey-”

“He WHAT !?” Dot and I screamed, fuming and foaming at the mouth at the absolute disrespect, the nerve of some people!

“Lemme finish,” Daffy continued. “When they tried to correct the guy who kept referring to him with the wrong name and wrong pronouns, he accused me and Porks of child endangerment. We tried to call the cops on him to buzz off and well- woop !”

“M-m-m-move out of the way!” Porky yells from behind, pushing Daffy inside and climbing up with Wakko in tow, the pig sweating bullets.

“W-w-w-we need to leave!”

“Hey, we’re in the middle of trying to have an emotional moment,” Bugs nagged and turned to Dot. “Look I already had my emotional spotlight and call to action moment, now it’s your turn. The story’s almost over and we need to get to the climax-”

BANG! BZZzzz! BANG! BZZzzz!

We all ducked our heads as bullets pierce through the wall and narrowly miss us.

“yyyYYAOWWW!”

Well, I guess everyone except for Daffy.

“Right on cue…” He breathed out, clutching his smoking behind.

“Was that the fatso?!” I asked Wakko.

“Actually that’s the officer,” my little sibling explained. “He said that I was being indoctrinated, even though I haven’t been to a doctor’s appointment since Dr. Scratchnsnifff was put on leave from the studio due to budget cuts to the mental health plan.”

Dot groaned loudly. “... ughhhhhhhhhhh…. I really don’t wanna go back-”

BANG! BZZzzz! BANG! BZZzzz!

“Y-y-y-you’re going back to the studio, y-y-y-you’re gonna take back your job, and y-y-y-you’re gonna help your fellow toons out and   y-y-y-you’re gonna like it!” Porky boomed out of his snout as more bullets whiz past us.

Not one to test the toon, Dot turned to me and Wakko as we headed downstairs. “Alright boys, pack it up, we’re leaving.”

“One step ahead of you.”

Slappy plopped our bags on the floor, all packed, along with a fourth one.

“Figures you’d lead the crazies to my doorstep,” she grumbles. “Granted I was thinking of ditching this place, the studio paid me in cash for that little cameo in the series finale, so I can afford a nice tree in Toontown.”

“You get paid?!” Wakko asked. “What about us?”

“Spielberg and I got Plotz to pay us in shares back in the 90s,” I turned to Bugs. “We give you our shares, and you’ll get us back in charge?”

The rabbit nodded. “With any luck, your show too.”

“About time,” I sighed with relief. “I can’t stay here any longer watching a buncha’ moms butcher the U.S. education system, and that’s saying something ‘cause I didn’t expect them to make it worse!”

wwwWWWOOOooo!

We start to hear police cars rolling nearby, along with the sound of a very angry (and very offensive) sweaty guy who speaks more obscenities than this entire fic. 

BAM! Sparkles…

“Wait, that didn’t sound like gunfire,” I noted.

“Must be the fireworks, they’re supposed to go off at-” Slappy looks at the grandfather clock in the living room. “Midnight…”

“Dang it!” Daffy cried out. “Ph-so we can’t make the deal now?!”

“For the New York offices yes,” Bugs reasoned. “ But in California, it’s still 9:00pm.”

Dot’s eyes widen with hope. “Which means that we still have time! How fast can you dig us to Burbank?”

The gray rabbit cracks his knuckles and kisses his feet. “With any luck, we’ll have time to spare-”

BANG! BZZzzz! BANG! BZZzzz!

“Stop resisting and come out!”

It seems that the cops are not willing to negotiate. 

“Oh for the love of, hold my bag,” Slappy hands me her luggage as she bolts towards the broom closet, throwing out various housecleaning items before pulling out the big guns (literally).

“W-w-w-why do have a panzerschreck ?!”

“It was a souvenir from the war Porks,” She said as she steadied the weapon, aiming outside the window. “And hey, it’s Florida’s fault for passing that ‘ Stand Your Ground ’ law, just followin’ the rules. And I’ve only ever used it against fascists anyhow.” 

‘KABOOM!’

She pulls the trigger and flings backward, sparks fly and smoke fills the air as we hear an explosion outside, with people screaming while running for cover.

The squirrel grinned devilishly. “He-he, sure beats having all those fanboys all over my lawn.”

To be continued...

Chapter Text

Jamie: I must say this act has gone longer than I thought, or wished I guess.

Daffy: You’re the one that wanted to cover this ph-story, you’ve got no one to blame but yourself.

December 31st, 2022 - Warner Bros. Studio Lot

Bugs wasn't fooling around. Granted, he did take over the Roadrunner’s job for a few shorts with Wile. E. Coyote, so it was no surprise he was fast, but digging a tunnel from Florida to California in an hour was nothing short of a miracle in Toon power. I'm surprised he didn't take a rest stop at Chattanooga or Albuquerque. It wasn’t until I heard him stop digging did I realize we reached our destination. 

“Alright, you can come on out.” 

Unfortunately, none of us are as quick as my little funny bunny (don’t tell him I said that) so everyone squeezed into one of the most reliable modes of transportation, Bugs’s pocket. Of course, it wasn’t easy to get in, much less to get out. 

“Move your legs feathers!”

“You move your bushy tail ph-Squirrel!”

“T-t-t-that’s not my arm, whose arm is this?”

“Dang it Yakko, why didn’t we just go in the other pocket?!”

“Well next time Dot you make the travel plans!”

“The last time she did that we were stuck on a barge for weeks, those Somalian pirates weren’t into shanties though.”

After pulling ourselves out of the hammerspace, we found ourselves in the empty studio lot, only an hour or so before midnight. 

“Ugh,” Dot rubbed her temples. “I know jet lag sucks, but tunnel lag is even worse…”

“You ph-said it,” I spat out. I wasn’t always the best at traveling long distances. 

Bending with my head between my knees, a gloved hand appeared right in front of my face. “Need a hand doc?”

Looking at his face, I can’t help but want to take his offier, but my impulsive nature swats the hand out of my view. “Let’s just get this over with…” I know he's looking at me dejected, let him.

Taking a moment to compose ourselves, we lay out our battle plans to the rest of the group.

“I called Lola and Tina ahead of time,” Bugs started. “We’re head to the executive office, Plotz and Nora should be there waiting for us.”

“S-s-s-Slappy, you go meet up with the girls, head to the mayor’s office and grab the proper papers, we’ll need them ready to sign D-d-d-Dot back into office.”

The old squirrel yawned. “Ugh… fine Porks. But afterward, I’m taking a good old dirt nap.”

As one member of the group went off, the rest of us headed inside the corporate offices to meet the former CEOs. 

“I can understand Nora wanting to stab Zaslav in the back, but Plotz ?” Yakko questioned Bugs. “Something tells me we’re walking into a trap.”

“No kidding, I got a bad feeling about this,” Dot added.

“Pssh, relax,” I cooled their jets. “You’re just nervous that for the first time, the bosses are helping you, not trying to get rid of you.”

“That’s my point,” Yakko argued. “No cog in their right mind would wanna help us, let alone be in the same room as us-”

‘Clatter!’

“That didn’t ph-sound good.”

Our heads turned to the office doors, which were locked, but we heard a commotion on the other side, with a familiar mouse yelling. I lean my head to the door to listen closely, making out a few key phrases. 

“You fiend! You think you can just waltz in here and take over my plan?! Pinky help me down!”

“Egad! If I can forgive Phar Fignewton after all these years then you can reconcile with her Brain! Or I guess hers- ”

“Oh Pinky, sweet stupid Pinky, that ship has sailed.”

Not wanting to dawdle any longer, I ready myself to kick down the door.

BAM!

-only to be flung back in the hallway along with the door. With my beak stuck in the wooden panel, Porky pulls me out as we take a look at the CEO's office, as a large mechanical monstrosity of a toon made up of metal tentacles has Pinky and The Brain in its clutches, and a computer monitor loomed overhead, displaying the face of another mouse, the same face of the mouse that stood on the CEO’s desk. 

“Well, well, well,” the brunette rodent spoke. “If you’ve come to try and take your precious company back, I’m afraid you're too late! Mwah-hahaha!”

What followed the maniacal laughter was nothing but silence, and not just any, the type where you have obligatory crickets in the background chirping.

“Who the heck are you?” Bugs asked. 

“What?” The female mouse asked, shocked (for some reason). “You seriously don’t know?!”

“Weren’t you an extra or something on one of the one-shot skits?” Yakko asked.

Dot shook her head. “Nah, she’s probably one of the rejects from that Animalia  show Ruegger made a while back."

“Hold on hold on, I have my finger on it,” Wakko said, popping right behind the female mouse with his grubby index finger pointed right at her. “You’re one of the rejected members of The Chipettes!”

The mouse in question slapped her face in frustration. “Julia! Brain’s ex-wife?! The one other character in his shorts that shows up once a season?”

“Oh! So like that gn-gn-gn-gnome guy?” Porky threw out.

“Maybe she’s a friend of Starbox and Cindy?” Yakko shrugged.

“I’m the only other character that got some sort of development for crying out loud!” The female mouse squeaked out. “I was the only revival character people online cared about, for whatever reason I’ve yet to understand.”

“Oh trust me original me, I’m log-gasdfastqwaet-logged on all the time, you/I/we do not want to know,” said the glitchy computer version of the mouse (whose name I can’t be bothered to remember).

The little mouse sighed. “No matter, whatever you had planned it won’t work anymore, and you can thank my ex for that.”

The metal tentacle holding Pinky and The Brain lowered, the pair struggling to escape. “Curse you Julia and your vain attempt to try and copy my idea!”

“Yeah, can we get back to that for a sec,” Dot stepped forward towards the Brain. “If you wanted to overthrow me, you could’ve just asked, rather than go around me trying to stab me in the back you little jerk!”

“Aw, see Brain?” Pinky said. “I told you if you just asked nicely Dot would give you that shiny new promotion!”

The former mayor laughed. “Oh no, no I would not. Not seriously at least, especially considering you canceled our show.”

Brain flipped his head to Dot confused. “Wait, you believed I did that?”

“You… didn’t?”

Brain shook his head. “That’s preposterous. Most of the revenue for my schemes comes from my and Pinky’s paychecks. Heck, while you were gallivanting in Florida of all places, I was in talks with Zaslav to get my show back and use it as a platform to spread my message to the masses.”

Yakko rolled his eyes. “First off, our show-”

“Debatable, especially since Pink and I’s segments were the strongest- ow !”

Dot flicked her fingers at the big-headed mouse.

“Second,” Yakko continued. “If the decision didn’t come from you, then who?”

Brain nodded his head to his ex-wife. “I just found out today that she was behind it all.”

“Surprise!” Julia said excitedly. “Say hello to the new Vice President of Warner Bros. Discovery!

Bugs, Porks, and I were stunned at the revelation at most, but the Warners seemed truly taken aback, with their faces ranging from shocked to angry and disheartened.

“You were behind this?” Dot aired out. “But why? You were a star on the show too! Apparently…”

Julia disregarded the youngest sib. “Bah, oh please, the showrunner and writers clearly wanted to do more with me, they just didn’t know what to do, figured I pulled the plug now.” This certainly made Dot’s face redder with rage than she already was. “As for my new job, it was easy. You see, after Brain dumped the AI simulation version of me out to the curb, I rebuilt her.” Julia patted her computerized self on the monitor. “Using her newly acquired intelligence, we sold her services to Zaslav in exchange for a promotion to VP. You are face to face with the company’s newest AI program, ready to provide randomly generated images and material for content use.”

“That’s right original me!” The AI monstrosity boomed out of its speakers. “Once I’ve acquired all the studio’s d-dadsfasdsfa-data , I can come up with enough ideas and imagery to replace those lousy writers and artists.”

“Oh my g-g-g-god,” Porky gasped in horror. “You’re g-g-g-gonna pull a Space Jam: A New Legacy! ”

“Haha! Yes I- wait what?” AI Julia asked bewildered. 

“Yep, this is the same plot as that ph-schlock,” I shrugged. “Granted, you don’t have Don Chedle, so it’s even worse.”

Bugs scratched the back of his neck. “You know, I never even bothered watching it.”

“D-d-d-don’t,” Porky said with a deadpan voice. 

“You’re a monster!” Wakko gasped. “Betraying your own kind like this? The artists who labored for years only to be replaced by machines?!”

Julia shrugged nonchalantly. “Meh, I’m not the first and I won’t be the last. I couldn't care less, what I wanted was the role of VP, to finally enact my revenge on Brain, by canceling Animaniacs , and canceling a few dozen shows in the process was no skin off my nose.”

“Yeah but AI!? Seriously?! There are countless forms of media out there, movies, games, shows, books, all of which explain why that’s a horrible idea!”

“Aw, I would nn-nsfgaaaa-never… ” AI Julia defended herself poorly.

Wakko took the liberty of listing off said media with a finger on each of their hands. “ 2001: A Space Odyssey, I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream, Colossus ,Westworld, System Shock, Portal, System Shock 2, Portal 2, Westworld again, The Matrix four times, Terminator too many times, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Metroid, I Robot, Transcendence, Ex Machina, M3GAN, Summer Wars, plus all the one-off villains from shows that don’t focus on AI.” He held up 18 gloved fingers in total.

“Well, whose to say we shouldn’t exist?” Julia argued. “Aren’t we as Toons artificial and intelligent? We aren’t a natural part of this world, we’re created by man who wanted something out of our services, we’re also at the mercy of the large corporations that can control our fate on whim. The only difference between us is that I won’t get left behind in the tech race.”

That was … a valid argument. Humans have always been fearful of what they bring into this world, maybe that’s why for so long toons were seen as a threat.

“Well I don’t about you ph-suckers,” I spoke up. “But the difference between me and a computer is that my creators were artists and creatives, while a bunch of nerd engineers can’t even hold a pencil, let alone draw for their lives, yet they have to make a program that does it for them, and it does a pretty lousy job at it. ”

“Amen duck,” Yakko agreed in solidarity. “Now where’s Plotz and Nora? They won’t stand for this!”

One of the metal arms from AI Julia reached to the nearby closet and turned the knob, revealing Plotz and Nora tied up and hanging upside down, frantically trying to speak through their duck taped mouths. 

“Oh, d-fsf-don’ t worry about them,” AI Julia chirps out, half glitching. “We’re just hashing out some new c-x-rxzfa-company policy. Speaking of, let’s see which one of you lu-asdfadfs-lucky toons will be placed in suspended animation!”

The metal limbs start to loom closer to us menacingly, ready to pounce.

“Now hold on a second Julie,” Yakko stepped forward towards the mouse and robot.

The original one sighs heavily. “It’s Julia-”

“Jules, got it,” Yakko waved her off. “Now if memory serves me correctly the only way to put any of us in suspended animation is if you have the express permission from every member of the Toontown Council, the Mayor’s office, and Acme Corp. to deem a toon too unsafe. Call it a hunch but screwing over both the mayor, my sister, and the Speaker of the Toontown Council, your ex, ain’t helping your case ,” He argued with the pair with his hands behind his back, which were gesturing towards the pair of mice being held in metal clutches. 

Taking the hint, Porky and I creep slowly toward Pinky and The Brain.

Julia responded to Yakko with a sly snicker. “True, but considering your reputation and my recent power trip, I doubt anyone will oppose me.”

As the two toons continue to bicker, Porky grabs Pinky while I grab Brain as we pull with all our might to try and free them.

“Bb-adfjaebb-besides,” AI Julia speaks up. “This is a company matter, not a Toontown matter, this is outside your jurisdiction, and with Julia VP we have the final say in how to handle our ‘product’,” she looked at the Warners with a bloodthirsty look. 

Darm, the mice won’t budge! Porky pulls out a crowbar and we both grab it to jimmy them out, but it does little to help.

“That’s not fair!” Wakko said. “Sure, we’ve run around the movie lot messing around, but you can’t pin anything on us that Nora or Plotz let slide.”

They can’t distract her forever. Sifting through my pockets I throw out a baseball bat, leftover tnt, and my limited edition signed copy of Gladwell’s Outliers (yeah, I read, surprised? Granted I skimmed most of it, actually all of it, not my thing, I don't really like reading, too many words, I just like looking smart. Wait what was I doing?) Oh right! 

Julia rolled her eyes. “On Zaslav’s first day in charge you destroyed his office, then you try to go to New York to corner him into your demands, only to fail spectacularly. That NDA you signed? You might want to take a closer look at the fine print.”

Usually, whenever Bugs and I head out in style, we always bring a shoe horn to help with our heels. I pull out the last spare and shoved it between the mice and metal arm, pushing with all my might.

Meanwhile, Dot pulls out from her pocket a large filing cabinet, opens one of the compartments, and flips through dozens of papers before pulling out the non-disclosure agreement they signed and pulling out a magnifying glass.

“Do-do-do, something something ‘ residuals’… ” Dot skims the papers. “Something something ‘ marketing strategy’ , do-do-do ‘ we legally retain our rights as individuals to you along with the rest of our cast members on Animaniacs’- wait what?!”

Bugs and Yakko simultaneously slap their foreheads, the latter of which groaned. “I knew we should’ve called a lawyer.”

“Hahaha!” Julia and AI Julia laughed at our current predicament, the former of which rubbed her hands. “Now then, why don’t we start with my ex-husband and his sweet lovable idiot of a boyfriend-”

Julia’s smile fades as she sees an empty metal claw, as I take a peek from the open window me and Porky are hiding behind along with the two mice. 

“Do you think ph-she sees us?”

Brain was the first to respond, albeit rudely. “Perhaps if you choose a better hiding spot Duck.”

“Hey, is that any way to say thank you for ph-saving your ph-sorry little-”

BOOM! 

Smash !

I didn’t have time to finish my sentence as AI Julia came swinging through the window, breaking it along with much of the wall. Not wanting to dawdle any longer me and Porks jump down to the streets below. Crashing through the roof of a parked golf cart, Porks hands me Brain as he takes the wheel and floors it down the street, fleeing for our lives from a rogue toon AI wanting to imprison us forever, with her original self riding on top of her.

“Grab those toons!”

“Whee!” Pinky exclaimed. “This is way more fun than Mario Kart!”

“Also more deadly,” Brain said as Porky drifted past several sound stages and warehouses. “Watch it you Pig!”

“Oh y-y-y-you’re in no position to talk!” Porky shot back. “N-n-n-none of this would have happened if d-d-d-didn’t scheme your way into power.”

“Yeah!” I agreed. “At least when I tried to scheme my way into office I didn’t try to throw Bugs under the bus! The trolley, yes, once, but he really got on my nerves that day.”

Brain rolled his eyes as the cart swerved more hastily. “Oh spare me on you and the rabbit’s decades-long affair. The difference between you and me is that your attempts of getting the upper hand over your rival are nothing more than absurd foreplay!”

That definitely made me blush, but was he wrong? 

“Y-yeah, well newsflash bud, me and Bugs are in a bit of a rough patch as of late.”

Pinky gasps. “Oh no! You two were always one of my favorite ships, along with the USS Intrepid and the RMS Queen Mary II.”

“Not the same type of ship Pinky,” Brain sighed. 

“Unless you play Kantai Collection that is.”

“I thought I told you to stop playing those infernal mobile card games!”

“But it’s so addicting! You’ve got to try it.”

“You’ve said that with every game you’ve downloaded on my phone and every time I have to delete it along with pictures of all your waifus , eugh!” Brain shivered. 

“Aw Brain, you know you’re the only waifu for me,” Pinky gleaned at Brain, who grumbled something along of the lines of ‘ If anyone’s the waifu it’s you, you nincompoop.’ Pinky turned his head back to me. “As for you two, I suggest couple’s therapy, it’s done wonders for me and Brain.”

I sighed heavily. “I don't know what to do, ph-should I forgive him Porks?”

Porky looked at me bewildered, still clutching the steering wheel and his feet pushing against the gas as we zip through the movie lot as AI Julia’s steps inch closer. “Y-y-y-you’re asking me now?! While I’m d-d-d-driving for our lives?!?!”

“Not everything is about you Porky,” I crossed my arms as Porky rolled his eyes.

“D-d-d-Daffy, I’ve been in a relationship f-f-f-far longer than you, it wasn’t always p-p-p-perfect with P-p-p-Petunia, but whenever we got into a fight we’d g-g-g-give each other space, and when we were both ready we’d t-t-t-talk it out. I can’t tell you what to do with your relationship with B-b-b-Bugs, that’s on you.”

I snapped out of my current relationship woes as the lumbering robot was gaining upon us. “Oh Brain…! Come give your w-wfadsfafd-wives a kiss!” She snapped her claws quite hard.

“He’s taken you metal hussie! Narf!” Pinky shot back.

“Make a left, head into this ph-sound ph-stage!” 

“B-b-b-but-!”

Not waiting for him to make a move, I grab the wheel and jerk it left, plowing straight into the building. Little did we know we’d be driving through Barbie’s dream house, narrowly missing the other pink plastic homes. 

“Watch the props!”

Weaving around the pink chic set, AI Jula had no regard whatsoever, smashing everything in her path. We jerked into a side exit as we flashed through Keaton’s refurbished Batcave, the gold cart bumping down the stairs and past the trophies of the caped crusader.

“Man, sucks Michael had to don the suit for this picture of all things.”

The Julias had no qualms with breaking through the cave wall and stomping on the costumes, including Miller’s Flash suit. Any other day and this would be completely ok, but not while trying to kill us. After swatting off multiple bats we wound up heading through another exit, landing on the dunes of Arrakis, a giant sandworm coming out of the ground and waving hello, only to be knocked out of the way by the machine after us.

“W-w-w-we can’t run forever!” Porky squealed. “T-t-t-the battery will run out of juice!”

Brain stroked his chin, snapping his fingers as his eyes widen. “Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?”

“I think so brain, but what do condos in Algeria have to do with this?”

Brain rolled his eyes and turned to me and Porks. “You two, listen closely, I have an idea.”

We leaned in while we still heard AI Julia crashing and tumbling through the sets with brute force as original Julia growled ‘ Get back here! ’ Huh, so this must be what it’s like for the Warner Siblings to be chased by Ralph every day.

Wakko: No, it’s way less terrifying. At least with Ralph, it's classic comic relief rather than fear of being cryogenically frozen for all eternity.

Back at the office…

“Hold still you two!” Bugs began to untie the two former CEOs, trying to remove their bounds and ungag them. 

“Let me try,” I stepped forward and cracked my knuckles, much to the dismay of the bosses, shaking their heads worriedly. 

My hands went in a flurry of movements, but rather than freeing Plotz and Nora, they wound up tied in a pretzel knot. Trying again they ended in a double diamond, the square knot, the constrictor, the gut knot, the pillow knot, the butterfly knot, the monkey chain, the monkey fist, the monkey-

“We get it! You know your knots,” Dot shoved me aside and untangled the toon executives. 

“Bleh!” Plotz gasped for air after removing the mouth wrap. “Next time you call me in a favor rabbit , remind me to hang up the phone.”

Bugs rolled his eyes. “Glad to be working together again doc.”

“Well I’m not!” Nora wrestled out of her binds. “I could’ve been accepting a board position at Acme Inc. or McDuck Enterprises right now, but no, for whatever reason I decided to come back here.”

“Aww, you missed us didn’t you?” I said with large shining eyes, wrapping my arms around her. 

“ Oh , in your dreams,” she said sarcastically, trying to pry me off.

Yakko smirked. “Well in my dreams you along with Hello Nurse, Minerva Mink, and the female cast of Black Lagoon are on my yacht party as we- OUCH!”

The sudden smack of Dot’s mallet hitting Yakko’s tail interrupted our oldest brother. “Wanna finish that thought big bro?”

Yakko cleared his throat. “Do taxes, that’s what I was gonna say…”

Nora, not wanting to entertain that thought any longer, turned to Bugs. “Now then, I’ve called mine and Thaddeus’s accountants, and unfortunately the NDA complicates things.”

“Complicate things how much?” Bugs asked impatiently. “The new year is almost upon us and even though I trust Daffy to give the Julia’s a good chase, I’d rather not risk his life.”

“You’ll get your on-again off-again boyfriend when I get all of your shares,” Nora rebuttals. “The NDA prevents you from inheriting any more shares, so give them to me, and I’ll get you your job as mayor back, along with your show.”

Yakko shoved Bugs aside. “Now wait a second. Why should we give you our shares? Whose to say you won’t stab us in the back?”

Nora clenched the bride of her nose. “Really? After getting mouse-handled by that crazy VP I’d rather flip burgers than work under Zaslav. Besides, you don’t have a choice, the clock’s ticking, and I’m clearly the most qualified candidate-”

“Ahem!” Plotz cleared his throat. “If I recall correctly, under your leadership the company was led by Ralph of all people, and it ended up being sold off to Discovery. The company under my leadership saw massive growth, it’s clear that I should get the shares.”

Nora stared at the small elderly CEO and scoffed at him. “Oh Thaddeus, I admit that I looked up to you when I took over. A cruel, cold, methodical cog who took no funny business and ruled the studio with an inky iron fist, but the more I think on your tenure the more I realize you’re just a dinosaur who couldn’t keep up with the times, a man still stuck on dial-up internet ,” she smirked at that last remark.

“Bah!” Plotz shook his head. “I admit AOL was a bust but at least I didn’t sell the company out to the same people who allowed The Learning Channel to go from an educational broadcaster founded by the Department of Heath and Human Services and NASA to turn into an endless pile of mindless trash reality TV!”

“That’s not on me!” Nora yelled right up at Plotz’s face. “I was manning a sinking ship that these three split in half!” She pointed at me and my sibs. “Frankly after dealing with them for three seasons and watching our stock drop to only $9.00, unless I'm back in charge I want nothing more to do with this company!”

“And there it is, so much for loyalty in the business.”

“My loyalty?! You sold off the company twice! First to Time Inc just to get your CEO position, then to AOL on your way out!”

“The numbers were good! It’s not my fault-”

Soon enough me, my sibs and Bugs just ignored the two of them bickering over who was the best boss, with my sister glaring at the aforementioned rabbit.

“Really, this was your big plan? Convince the two cogs who hate us most to help us out?”

Bugs sighed. “Dot, I didn’t have a lot of options, especially since you left.”

“We can still leave, the door’s right there,” She pointed at it annoyed. “Or would you rather take the window way out?”

Yakko crossed his arms. “Sis, we screwed up bad, yes, but since when is running away something we do?”

“When we lost the water tower,” Dot shrugged. “That was fun, traveling the world without a care in a world…”

“Hmph,” Yakko sighed, his eyes reminiscing about those days we’d hitchhike across Europe, boated through the Amazon, wound up in a lion’s den in the Serengeti, or had to escape a Thai prison, it sure was fun. “Well, we can't stay on vacation all the time, it makes traveling less special. We need to fix this.”

“Heh,” Dot chuckled darkly. “With $9.00 bucks a stock, screw the company, they can fail on their own, I just wanna make sure Toontown’s still standing.”

“Dang, it’s that low, huh?” I pondered “That’s less than good Mexican food! Ralph and I took forever to find a decent taco truck that’s affordable ”

“Yeah it's… wait that low?” Yakko scratches his head and pulls out a lightbulb. “Nora, Plotz, how many more available shares are there left?”

The two human toons stopped arguing and turned to us. 

“Well, I’d have to call my accountants,” Plotz said. “Why?”

“Call them and tell them to buy up as much as they can. Meet us at Toontown City Hall before midnight, Lola and Tina should have the paperwork ready.”

Before any of them could object, Yakko grabs Dot and mine’s arms as we jump out the window and head for the studio entrance, Bugs right on our tail.

“What are you planning doc? I can’t just let Julia go after-” 

Yakko turned back to Bugs, running backward. “We don't need to outrun Julia, we just need to outrun Porky and Daffy! I’ve figured it all out. The missing piece in this jigsaw puzzle!”

“I thought Wakko ate half the pieces of the last puzzle we did,” Dot brought up.

“You guys were taking too long,” I defended myself. 

Shaking his head in dismay, Yakko stopped in his tracks in front of the security gate. “There’s only one man who can help us out of this, and it’s the same lovable dope who got us into this.”

“Duh, what’sa a dope?” Ralph popped out, with a large net in hand. “Eyyy, You kids shouldn’t be doin’ that stuff!”

Yakko turned to me and Dot, smirking proudly. “Whadda say Ralph? One more chase?”

Yakko: Ah Ralph, even after 90 years still tries to catch us.

1933 - Old Hollywood Ranch 

“Well, what do you think Oscar?” I gestured to my masterpiece, a cobbled up nightclub set, complete with old tattered dress curtains, chairs and tables with missing legs, and a stage that was half-eaten by termites. “Now I know Harlem nightclubs are a bit more flashy but nothing a coat of pygment can’t fix.”

The director, Mr. Micheaux, shook his head sucking his teeth. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I made Within Our Gates look better with an even smaller budget…”

“So is that a yes?” I asked hopefully.

Micheaux sighed. “Yakko, I appreciate you going through the trouble, but I think I’ll head back East-”

“Aw c’mon!” I slumped down on the set, only for it to break in two, my body letting itself fall on the ground. 

We sat in the middle of an old dusty patch of land between the mountains of Griffth Park and the Hollywood Hills, the only new building around was the Acme factory. This was once home to a plethora of silent film sets, some filming 6 movies at a time in different locales, whether it be high western, medieval romance, or screwball comedy. And it was here that most toons called home, mostly since most of us had nowhere to go once the cameras were off. And here I was, trying to convince one of the few filmmakers around willing to listen to us to make some movies here. Not only to give toons some work, but bring in some fun too.

“Look I really tried asking Jack Warner for a proper sound stage, but he ain’t interested in releasing race films. You can just make movies all on your own, no studio needed or executive breathing down your neck, what I would give to have that…”

“Heh, well it’s not as easy as it seems kid,” Oscar replied. “It wasn’t until The Emperor Jones that colored people got any real backing.” He pulled out a pocket watch and picked up his briefcase. “I best be going. Thank you for showing me around though, your kind has certainly treated me better than most folk, even the ones who look like they're making fun of my kind.”

“Yeah…” I groaned at that. “Believe me they don’t like looking like they just got off a minstrel show, unlike humans they can’t just wipe the paint off their face, it is their face.”

He nodded solemnly and we shook hands as goodbye.

“Normally I love good company,” Oscar said. “But you best be on the lookout, the ones in power don’t like it when the people on the bottom start to mingle and make noise.”

I waved him off. “Oh please, I’m Yakko Warner. My sibs and I are stars, we ain’t going nowhere!”

Yakko: I didn’t know it at the time, but that was our last day before being locked up in the water tower.

Hidy ho!: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAkFwgcW4Ug  

To be continued...

Chapter Text

First words spoken in the first proper sound picture (Shame it’s nearly unwatchable by today’s standards): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXt9X_1NWvI  

Yakko: Life was rough before Toontown, shame that we never really got to experience it before the book was thrown at us.

1933, Abandoned Schoolhouse, (future site of Acme Looniversity)

The movie deal with Micheaux was a bust, but I had other plans that day. It was hard to come by school supplies, but this part of town was so full of toons that we always had some human jerks plaster flyers telling us to get out. Thankfully they didn’t use both sides, so it was still good paper. I did my best to straighten out the pages just as class started. The Kit-Cat-Clock we had was ticking so loudly that it made my students/siblings sweat droplets, their eyes and tails in sync with the cat. Man that was such a good purchase!

“Now let’s go over this one more time class,” I wore my classic teacher’s cap and pointed to the chalkboard. “Who was the man to unify all of Germany?”

“Ooh ooh! I know!” Wakko waved his hand in the air. “Was it Mr. Bonaparte?”

Dot, sitting right next to him, shook her head. “Nah, that was all of Europe, or at least he tried to take over Europe and left Waterloo with his tail between his legs. I wanna say it’s that funny man with the mustache?”

“Chaplin? I pretty sure he’s a good old British bloke,” Wakko responded, his Liverpudlian accent more heavy.

“No, I meant the Austrian one, the angry failed artist who burned the Reichstag and blamed it on a bunch of commies?”

I smacked my forehead. “C’mon guys, don’t make go into another whole song-and-dance routine,” I threatened. I knew I loved them just as much as they disliked it.

“Then get better students,” Wakko said, gesturing to the sparsely populated schoolhouse, with only one more member that wasn’t a Warner sibling who sat in the back of the class.

I placed my hands on my hands and turned to the toon kid. “Well Dinky Doodle, you got anything to say to the class?”

The former Walter Lantz star stood up from his desk and bubbled out from his mouth an answer, ‘Otto Von Bismark’.

I clapped excitedly. “Great job, you get another gold star Dinks.” I take another roll of stickers and slap it on his section of the board. Dot’s section only had 2 stars, and Wakko ate his only one.

“Say Dinky,” Dot turned around to the silent toon. “Me and Wakko here are only here cause Yakko won’t let us leave, but why do you stick around?”

‘ I want an education to get a teaching job ,’ Dinky bubbled. ‘ I’m sure that once I get a degree I can snag a job teaching kids. ’

“Yeah, that’s the dream,” I smiled sadly, touched that a fellow toon is interested in education even if there’s most likely no way the boy would find employment in that field. 

“Pfft, teachers pet…” Wakko muttered.

Dinky, not taking his flack, popped an exclamation mark from his head, took it in his hand, and politely whacked it on Wakko’s head. My brother’s cap flew off as a bump sprouted out of his little noggin, and stars began to circle around his jostling head.

“Oooh, more golden stars…”

Before Wakko could grab any of them, Dinky snatched them all up and plastered them on his side of the board, rearranging all 74 of them to make a recreation of his face and signature. Not bad for a washed-out toon star.

“Hey, you improved your comedic timing last time we met,” I acknowledged. “Maybe you’ll take my spot as teacher and give some wayward toons a leg up in comedy.”

Dinky grinned at me just as we heard a knock on the door and the grating sound of a child that should never be drawn. “ Oh hello! Anyone home?!”

“Hey, Buddy!” I smiled, thinking about all the good times we’ve smashed his body with a mallet, anvil, piano, etc.

“Haha, hey guys,” he grinned. “I didn’t know you’d still be here. Ain’t Mr. Acme gonna raze this place?”  

Dinky’s shoulders went up as he had an exclamation and question mark floating on top of his head. It wasn’t surprising that Acme bought up all the land in the back of the factory. Most of it was scrapyards and dried-up farmland that the owners sold off. Even after the city finished making that new aqueduct that turned Owen’s Valley into a half-baked desert, most farmers couldn’t afford water prices in a town that was all about show business.

Heck, most of the area we toons had no choice but to live in a dusty ranch that was once home to a bunch of abandoned silent film sets before people made sound stages and used to shoot everything outside. It ain’t much here, but it's ours, at least until someone kicks us out. It didn’t help that the recent earthquake destroyed much of the remaining infrastructure, this dilapidated schoolhouse just barely stood. Most of the other schools around LA weren't so lucky…

“He better not just be making a parking lot,” Dot said. “Maybe he could get some of his toon workers some proper housing.”

“Haha, yeah, I was about to stop by and ask him myself, wanna come along?” Buddy offered.

“Sure, why not?” Dot shrugged.

Wakko leaped out of his seat. “Yes, please! Anything other than another geography question.”

“Hey!” I say rather offended, running after my sibs. “Next time you look at a globe I want you to point where Canada is, and don’t think south…”

My voice trailed off after we left the old schoolhouse, only to be greeted by dozens of police cars and well over 100 officers aiming their firearms at us, the closest to us were sweating bullets with their guns shaking in their hands. One cop steps forward, hollering his demands.

“NOBODY MOVE! PUT YOUR HANDS UP!”

We stood there, just utterly baffled. 

“Well, which is it?” I shot back. “How are we supposed to put our hands up if you said we can’t move?”

“Well, when you put it like that- now wait a damn minute you-!” 

“You mean us?” Dot raised an eyebrow.

That seemed to fluster the man in charge of this little sting. “Wha- yes! Who else!?”

Wakko shrugged. “I mean I can’t speak for Dinky, I don’t know what he does in his free time.”

Dinky leaned out the window, glaring at my little bro with an exaggerated frown, and crossed his arms. ‘ The nerve of some people, hmph! ’

“Hold on, let me see if I can comply,” While the rest of my body remained still, my hands unscrewed themselves from my arms like lightbulbs, using their fingers like spider legs to climb onto the top of my ears. “Hehe, that tickles!”

The cops weren't amused. 

“ Ahhhh !”

“Sweet Jesus I'm gonna be sick…”

Sure enough much of the crowd knelt down and puked at the sight of my gloves hands popping out of me and having full autonomy. Usually for humans the loss of limbs is horrifying. Clearly, these guys need to go see cartoons more.

“Say Buddy, who’re your friends?” I asked. “I’m glad we’re seeing enrollment rates go up, but the schoolhouse has a room capacity of-” 

BANG! BANG! BANG!

The sound of a frying pan hitting my head along with Wakko and Dot was the last thing I heard before I was knocked out, only seeing black.

When you have too much fun messing around: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljuo5fkW-fs  

Wakko : You know, in defense of Buddy, I would’ve guessed he’d betray us sooner, maybe we were warming up to him after all.

My eyes started to peel open to see only darkness as I stretched my arms out, yawning after a good nap. “Ah, well I had the weirdest dream.”

Dot murmured next to me. “What was?”

“I dreamt we were knocked out by our former co-star and arrested by a bunch of cops who put bags on our heads. Say, can someone turn on the lights?”

Right on cue, I felt someone tussle my head and pulled off the tarp from my face. To my left was Yakko and to my right Dot, as we found ourselves chained up to seats in front of a judge and jury, with an angry mob of people seated behind us, and a bunch of angry toons up on the balcony in the colored section, the humans seemed to direct their frustration at us, while the toons seemed to be angry for us . 

“Huh, this is new,” Yakko aired out. “Normally I would love to perform in front of a crowd, but we’re a bit restrained for our act.”

We squirmed against the restraints, with little luck. Great, now we gotta wait until it’s funny to get out of this mess. The banging of a gavel quelled the rowdy bunch of witnesses. “Now then, I call this trial to order,” the judge boomed out.

Yakko raised an eyebrow “Trial? For what?”

“A trial subscription to the LA Times?” Dot asked.

“Ooh, what about a trial run for that new Packard I saw at a dealership?” I added.

Yakko gave me a deadpan look. “Last time you were behind the wheel we ended up in a 12-car pile-up. “

“Pssh,” I waved off. “It wasn’t so bad-”

“In the middle of the desert, with no roads nearby, yet you made it happen.”

Dot shrugged. “To be fair that was pretty impressive you managed to pull that off.”

“Enough stalling!” The judge yelled at us. “Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner, you stand accused of causing destruction of private property and public property, harassment of Warner Bros. employees and private citizens, and the cause of the recent earthquake that led to $40 million in damages and well over a hundred dead. How do you plead?”

“Hmm,” Yakko pondered and smirked. “Well, I plead for some more comfy chairs and a couple of nice-looking flappers, preferably of the Hedy Lamarr variety.”

“I plead for a plate of steaming hot tamales please!” My stomach was growling. “With a side of arroz con pollo as well.”

Dot scoffed. “Ugh, boys. I plead for a matriarchy.”

“Pfft, only 13 years since Susan B. Anthony nagged her way to vote, and now this…”

We turned to our left to see a cabal of men in suits, the ones who want us in jail.

‘ Now just hold on a dang minute here !’ We turned to see Felix the Cat’ pops out of the toon crowd above, fuming out angry speech bubbles. ‘You can’t just throw the books at them without reading their rights!’

‘‘Yeah !” The crowd of toons agreed in solidarity.

“Pfft, what rights do we have?”

Among the suits to our left was an elderly human toon with a swarm of lawyers by his side. 

“Who would wanna bring us to court anyhow?” Yakko asked the tiny man.

The judge reads off the name. “Representing the plaintiff Jack L. Warner is…”

“Thaddeus Plotz,” The toon announced. “Ready to bring these three delinquents to justice and set a good example for our kind.”

Yakko rolled his eyes. “Get a load of this guy.”

“Say don’t we get a lawyer?” Dot asked.

“Say no more fellas!” 

The doors down the aisle burst open to reveal a familiar face, the first Looney Tune to grace the silver screen, dressed in his signature hat and suit.

“Bosko? What the heck are you doing?” Yakko asked the black and white character.

“Well someone has to help you guys out,” he squeaked out. “And it’s not like you have much of a choice, not many toons have a law degree.”

“You don’t have a law degree, no toon does!” Dot argued.

Bosko removed from his briefcase a folded piece of torn paper with the words ‘ Im’a Loiyer’ written in crayon.

“That seems legit,” I said then pointed to Plotz. “Well, then why are you here? I don’t remember seeing you in any cartoons.” 

“Oh no, I was an accountant they had drawn up during the labor shortage. Now I’m just overseeing the court process,” the elderly toon replied. 

“But why stage this whole thing?” Yakko quipped. “Can’t the studio do whatever they want with us anyway? Why make a whole show of it?”

Plotz shrugged almost too nonchalantly. “Jack wants to make an example of you three. I have the entire legal team of Warner Bros. here today, and I’m not planning on going back to Mr. Warner empty-handed.”

“Mr. Plotz, I trust you to handle this matter, which has gone far too long unaddressed…”

One member of the lawyers and businessmen stood out, a tall lanky individual with big ears, with a rather nasally voice, but he was rather un-animated than even most human executives. I noted that he was the one to make the stray ‘Susan B. Anthony’ comment that no one asked for.

“And you are bub?” Dot raised an eyebrow.

“William H. Hays, president and chairman of the Motion Picture Association,” The man had one of the most serious faces we’d seen, he had very little emotion. “I’m but an observer today, however, I hope that the judge will recognize the evidence presented and make a morally sound verdict.”

Bosko seemed more taken aback than the rest of us, pulling the four of us into a huddle. “I know this guy, he’s bad news.” Our lawyer gulped and started sweating bullets. “When the MPA formed, he took over after the Fatty Arbuckle case in ‘22 burned this town’s reputation. He tried to calm down the rest of America and Catholics by cleaning up pictures, making them total snooze fests. 11 years later and he’s got all of Tinseltown in his pocket, this won’t be easy.”

Yakko sighed with an air of sarcasm. “Great pep talk Bosko, I feel so much better at our chances…”

What followed was a series of witnesses called to the stand, examining evidence brought for and for and against our case.

Plotz showed the jury and current witness a board of old sketches and character sheets. “And tell me, Mr. Memlo, what was your experience with the Warners?”

“They ran amok around the studio, kissed everyone from the janitor to the nurse, left my office in a complete mess covered in crème pie, ruined the nearby film set for Al Jolson’s Mammy picture, and caused a fire in the nearby warehouse that burned my Ford Model T. And that was on the first day,” Weed Memlo, our director, looked down at us with an annoyed glance. “I got one of my animators to draw up some new characters to spice up the Buddy cartoons, but I didn’t count on him going crazy, working with these three certainly made me question my sanity.”

“How is Lon doing these days?” Dot asked genuinely.

“Ask Borax for yourself,” Plotz pointed down the aisle.

We heard the doors open and bring out a man in a straightjacket, rambling complete nonsense that couldn’t speak a single coherent word and cackling to himself. One look at us and he starts screaming at the top of his lungs.

We waved at our creator with bright smiles. “Hey, Lon!”

“WAIT WAIT WAIT!! NO NO NO!!!” He shook his head rapidly. “Take me back to the nut house, please ! Anywhere but here! Sweet death take me now!”

Oh Lon, you always were a kidder.

The lineup continued to proceed, and I’ll admit, it wasn’t looking great, but it could’ve been worse. Bosko’s teeth were chattering the more the trial dragged on, regretting his life choices and decidedly putting his career on the line after picking a fight with this Plotz guy, now questioning another witness.

“And how did the Warner’s wrong you, sir?”

“They pantsed me in the middle of filming, and the print was all over town!” James Cagney shouted in his designer suit, only to stand up and reveal his bottom half was clad in heart-patterned boxers. “They still haven’t given back my pants!” 

Yakko cleared his throat embarrassed, wiggling his legs from the chains to reveal his new brown slacks. “What can I say, Jim? I like how they’re breezy on my legs.”

The proceedings continued with another big star. 

“I throw one party at Pickfair Mansion and these three uninvited guests brought half of the Griffith Park Zoo with them!” Mary Pickford crossed her arms. “I swear Dougie is an idiot for letting you toons through the door.”

“Look honey, you can do better than Mr. Fairbanks,” Dot said. “He only let crash your party since he thinks only he can have private liaisons ,” she argued. “In exchange, he gave us his old Zorro costume and the cannon he used in The Black Pirate. ”

The actress's mouth was agape, as she stormed off to settle things with her soon-to-be ex-husband.

“Speaking of costumes,” Plotz moved on to the next film mogul we’ve had fun with. “Mr. Griffith, can you tell me what they did while entering the United Artist’s storage unit?”

D.W. Griffith wasn’t happy with us, granted he was always a sourpuss. “I made sure to preserve this industry’s legacy, America’s legacy, by housing some of the fashion items used in Birth of a Nation, so imagine my surprise when I enter and find every last fabric used for this!”

D.W. pointed to the board, which Plotz turned around to reveal my masterpiece, a collage of torn-up Klan robes and antebellum dresses, using a mixture of macaroni and paste, painted over with the black paint used on the actors to spell out a simple message ‘Deny this you Lost Cause!’ and featuring one of the most unflattering portraits of Robert E. Lee. The general of the South was currently in a chokeslam from Lincoln (fun fact: Honest Abe was a wrestler in his youth and did one of the earliest iterations of the move. He may have also hunted vampires.) while Nathan Bedford Forrest received a pile driver from Harriet Tubman as Ulysses S. Grant and Sojourner Truth watched from afar, cheering them on with the phrase ‘Get ‘em! Get ‘em!’. Flipping the mural around and showing the back included a rather positive message about the Emancipation Proclamation’s 70th birthday and how the fight shall go on ‘till every American is free and equal. This made the old all-white male jury gasp horrified, one member on the older side passed out seeing the imagery of all races and ethnicities, hand in hand in harmony.

“My god it’s hideous…” Hays said appalled, almost gagging. “I’ve seen better modern art than this!”

I frowned at that remark. “I mean it’s no Picasso or Michelangelo, but I put a lot of work into that.”

“Hey cheer up,” Dot smiled, her arms, pulling out from her chains, revealing another repurposed canvas. “You inspired me to get into some arts and crafts.”

The article of clothing she had was an old dusty Confederate Colonel uniform, depicting a much more graphic scene where Lee and Forrest were getting @$#@%@$# right up the !$%%$ while he used his @$#%@$ as he watched. The main tagline read; ‘You snooze, you lose you hick Graybacks!’

“That’s my father’s!” D. W. said disgustedly. “You raided my closet!?”

“Your fault for leaving it unlocked man!”

Bosko sighed heavily as he let his face slam into the desk. As a toon that had some ‘complex’ history on what he was specifically, he couldn’t help but laugh along with us and most of the toons in the audience at the art pieces. Most people guessed he was just an inkspot, with that same white face over a black head that we had, same with Foxy, or Mickey and Oswald (we never see the two in the same room however). Now that I think about it, his face and ours are just like the humans in Birth of a Nation , or any minstrel show, only inverted… Oh. Oh , well I feel shameful now. Rubbing his temple while rustling through his limited amount of provided documents, Bosko leaned over to Yakko with a desperate face.

“Anybody you guys can call up to help you guys out?”

I jimmied my arms out of my chains and take off my hat, pulling out a very long list that rolled down and out the door. “Oh wait, wrong list. That’s the people we should never call to help.” I then pull out a very short list appropriately titled ‘ People we haven’t screwed over/aren’t mad at us. ’

First up on the list is the only Looney Tune other than Bosko that liked us.

“Yeah, I’ll admit, they’re a handful,” Slappy Squirrel sighed. “They’re loud, wacky, destructive, don’t follow the rules, they disrespect every authority figure they can, have very little impulse control-”

“ Ahem !” Bosko cleared his throat nervously. “But?”

Slappy shrugged. “But what? I can’t lie under oath.” It seemed like our friend was about to throw us under the bus, that is until Dot gave her the classic sad cute eyes, not even Slappy could resist that. “Ugh, what I mean is that are qualities found in most toons, that’s not a bad thing, it’s what’s expected of us. You can’t make a funny picture without a few anvils dropping on some dope’s head. For example,” Her arm reached out of screen and back around, tapping on Bosko’s unsuspecting shoulder, turning him around as the squirrel pulled out from her hat a shiny new Acme patented anvil, dropping it on our lawyer, who lifted it off himself as his physical form was similar to that of an accordion. She got down from the stand and played a little jig on the new instrument.  “Just give them a slap on the wrist and let ‘em be, they’re still just kids, and they’re way more fun than the lineup of snobs old baldy here brought.” 

She jerked to Plotz, who was the only toon in the room not laughing. Half the room giggled and applauded Slappy with mostly gloved hands. We joined in on the fun and cheered her on, pretty much our entire top half free from the chains. Yakko had trouble clapping however, his hands still not attached to his arms. The judge or jury wasn’t as amused.

“Okay, that was a nice speech, but they won’t take a toon seriously, got any human friends?” Bosko asked.

Yakko stroked his chain, pondering. “I got a couple more.”

 And moved on to Bosko’s next witness.

“Would you say the Warners are a threat to people Mr. Acme?”

The portly man with thinning hair and a checkered suit chuckled at the remark. “A threat ? Not in my book, those three are a riot, but the fun kind! I can’t remember the last time a toon was as hilarious as them. Yakko’s such a cad, he’s so loquacious and well-versed that he’s what makes my dinner parties so special. Wakko can scarf down anything and has pretty much every gag I can think of. And Dot’s such a cutie, granted I wouldn’t mind if someone drew her older-”

“ Moving along…!” Bosko interrupted Marvin, his expression concerned as Dot raised an eyebrow.

“Maybe we should stop heading to his parties after this,” my sister whispered to me and Yakko.

“Agreed,” we both said in unison.

We had one more ace up our sleeve, so hopefully we can end this thing and go home.

“I call Theodore Valiant to the stand!” Bosko exclaims.

Both sides of the room murmured as the LAPD officer was brought on, rather confused but complied.

Bosko walked up to Teddy and gave him the rundown. “Lt. Valiant, you were with the Warners when the earthquake occurred right?”

“Yessir,” the officer smiled, his eyes shining through his glasses. “A fault line broke in the street me and my brother were patrolling. I thought I was a goner until these little guys saved me from being swallowed up by the earth.”

Much of the crowd whispered among themselves, wondering why we would help anyone out.

“And where were you exactly?” Bosko continued.

“Over by the old Warner Bros. Studios. After my rescue, me and the Warners wrangled a bunch of Toons nearby to help anyone under the rubble, as well as help in the rebuilding process since Governor Rolph didn’t sign the Field Act to replace over 200 destroyed schools until a month after. It’s a good thing the quake happened at dawn before class started,” Teddy responded and turned to us. “Eddie got injured then and couldn’t make it today, but he wishes you three well.”

“Aw, how’s he and Dolores?” Dot asked.

Teddy chuckled to himself. “Heh, both those lovebirds still can’t take a hint to make the first move, even if she’s taking care of him in a cast.”

“More importantly,” Bosko pinned his evidence to the board, a map of LA County that showed the range of the earthquake. “If the Warner’s were at the old Studio at Sunset Boulevard and not at the epicenter of the quake, which was offshore of Long Beach at the Newport–Inglewood Fault, then there’s no way that they could’ve caused it!”

“I mean we totally could,” I spoke up, my brother, sister, our lawyer, Teddy, and every other toon in the room slapping their foreheads simultaneously. “We just choose not to. The laws of nature don’t apply to us.”

Bosko sighed and went to the jury. “Well then, I think I’ve made my case for my clients. They’re nothing more than just children who get into a little mischief now and then, playing silly pranks and entertaining children and adults. Is that such a bad thing?”

Turning to one another, the jury whispered amongst themselves as Plotz gave his final statement.

“Ahem, gentlemen, if you value a true sense of American ideals and sensibilities, then I trust that you’ll make the right choice with the evidence provided.’’

One by one, each juror headed to the back to reach their final verdict.

“Alright, we bought some time,” Bosko rushed back to us. “Now I can try to get you guys some community service hours instead of lockup-”

He didn’t have time to finish as the jury came back to their seats, verdict in hand.

Bosko sighed. “Well, it was nice knowing you three.”

“How do you find the verdict?” the Judge asked.

One of the 12 angry men cleared his throat. “We find the defendants, Yakko, Wakko, and Dot Warner, guilty on all accounts.”

Toons didn’t get mad too often, but the amount of screams of distraught and sheer anger drowned out much of our thoughts in the room. Speech bubbles filled with rants and curse words ballooned and filled the balcony and ceiling above. The judge bangs his gavel to try and quell the uproar.

“Enough! With this verdict, I sentence the Warners to life imprisonment.”

“That would be a difficult thing to do Judge,” Plotz stepped to the floor, grinning sinisterly. “But these are toons we’re talking about, no normal prison can hold them. Me and Mr. Warner however have an alternative solution.” The ink traitor waltzed to Bosko. “You know, I talked with Leon Schlesinger before this, he just told me that Harmon and Ising demanded a bigger budget for your shorts, but I had to break the news that with money tight as it is that just wasn’t possible.”

“And what, only after you orchestrated this dog and pony show?” Bosko said sarcastically. “To think you’d betray your own kind in this, this kangaroo court!” The toon glared at us, jerking his head ever so slightly. Was that a signal for something? Dot and Yakko were just as confused as me, although my brain went back to kangaroo. Oh. Oh! No, I still don’t get it.

“For the record, I was considering keeping you at the studio,” Plotz continued, my thoughts still reminiscing about kangaroos. “Harmon and Ising still hold your copyright but nothing we can’t buy from them as they leave. I just might overlook this sort of insubordination, mostly because I doubt the animation unit will get far with just Buddy alone. Of course, you’d have to take a cut in your paycheck-”

Wait, I just remembered! I take off my hat to pull out-

BAM!

Plotz flung back to the table, papers flying off and hitting stray speech bubbles, leaving the room in a total mess, making it hard to see anyone.

“How’s that for insubordination you old fogey?!” Bosko clenched his fist, still warm from punching his boss’s face. “You can’t rehire or fire me, I quit!” Ouch, make that former boss.

“Guards!” The judge yelled.

The guards came from the exits, ready to apprehend our lawyer until a kangaroo decked out in boxing gloves give them the old one-two shuffle.

“Oh sugar honey ice tea!”

“Run!”

“What the…?” Dot’s face was agape as the courthouse descended into chaos.

I scratched the back of my neck. “We forgot to return one of the animals to the zoo after the party at Pickfair.”

“Talk about timing,” Yakko said as his chains suddenly unlocked, turning around to see the culprit. “Oh, my babies are back!” He held out his arms and got his hands back, proceeding to free me and Dot. (We could’ve left way earlier but what's the point in that if it ain't funny?)

“Any other animals left in there?” Dot asked cautiously as we all hopped into the pouch of the friendly marsupial fighting off a sea of cops.

“Hmm, let's see, what’s that one called with the long neck- oomph !” Looking into my hat, I ducked as the animal with the long-neck peaked out and extended out of the red cap, slowly climbing out with his just as impressive legs.

“ That would be a giraffe,” Yakko answered, silently judging me for skipping class. 

Shimming off my hat from his hooves, the so-called ‘giraffe’ began to stomp around the courtroom, and was quickly startled as the roars of a lion, tiger, and bear piled out of the hat, the three predators actually running from the trumpeting trunk and terrifyingly sharp tusks of an elephant. It was a madhouse of animals running amok, smashing the seats into wooden bits, and attacking the poor defenseless humans below. Of course for the toons up top, this was more entertaining than anything we’d film, which made their laughs all the more cathartic. 

“ Hi-ho Dollarydoo !” I waved my hat in the air and pointed to the exit. 

The kangaroo nodded silently, kicking its way out as the toons from the rafters above cheered us on as we hightailed it out of the circus that was the courthouse and into the busy streets of cars and scared pedestrians.

“Well that was fun,” I said. “Where to now?”

We pondered at the question as a red car ran through traffic.

“Get on that trolley!” Dot yelled to the kangaroo, who complied. “There’s one safe space for toons like us.”

Dot: Frankly I think the charges were pretty stupid. The only crimes I’ve committed are being too cute! Also bootlegging across state lines…

This one’s on the house ://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bs35gRQP0MM  

Later at the Pacific Electric Terminal Station 

The train car rolled into the depot, idling as the workers went on break for the day. My brothers and I left the ever-so-warm and soft (and really disgusting) pouch.

“Ugh, I need a shower after that,” Dot shivered.

Wakko pulled out of his hat a ticket. “Huh, guess we didn’t need to threaten the conductor for a free ride, oh well.” He shrugged and handed it to the kangaroo. “You’re gonna wanna take the Glendale line and get off at the second to last station, Griffith Park should be a hop away.”

We waved farewell to our marsupial friend as the kangaroo jumped along into the passing car bound for Glendale. Moving through the foot traffic, my sibs and I arrived at a door with no name, gave the classic shave and haircut knock, and waited for the door viewer to slide open, a pair of eyes glared at us.

“Password?” The eyes croaked.

“Ub sent us,” I responded.

The viewer shut, as a series of locks and bolts shifted. The door creaked open, and the low-level thug opened the door, leading us inside The Terminal Station Bar. 

“Damn!” Flip the Frog hissed. “Not you three again…”

“Is that any way to greet us Flip?” I sneered. “How is Mr. Iwerks doing these days?”

Flip sighed. “It’s been rough, I haven’t been paid in months since my shorts are too edgy for the censors, my popularity is down, and here I am, hauling liquor to make ends meet.”

“Well it could be worse,” Yakko said. “At least you got a nice babe now, granted she’s a Betty Boop clone-“

“Bah!” Flip spat back. “You think I stood for that crap?! Hell Fifi hated being my new love interest more than me. No, there’s only one girl for me, ain’t that right Clarisse?”

He turned around to find Clarisse Cat, his first significant other, giggling shyly.

“Oh come here you silly amphibian you…”

“Ahem!”

Just as the two toons were ready to pucker up, I cleared my throat.

“You two can french later, take us to your boss first.”

The frog grumbled but left a peck on his cat’s nose, leading us all further inside.

The place opened long before we were drawn, once a reputable place for weary workers for Pacific Electric, now the place has been off the books for 13 years since Prohibition. 

As the 20s dragged on, more toons started popping up, and since most of human society still sees us as freaks not meant to be off-screen, it’s hard to find work or housing when your film career is over, especially for those who were drawn with no name, no star power or lead roles, toons just meant to be a silly extra. 

Once Wall Street imploded thanks to a bunch of rich corporate tycoons, everyone else paid the price, so naturally, toons had very few options to turn to, one of which was good old-fashioned crime. It helps that we were indestructible and made decent muscle. There were very few places in Hollywood that welcomed toons as customers, but one just happened to be a seedy little speakeasy nestled in a streetcar terminal, that also was a hub for an elaborate network of bootleggers using the red car lines to smuggle booze across Southern California, from foreign smugglers sneaking up on their ships at the Santa Monica Pier to warehouses over in San Bernardino that delivers the stuff out west to Las Vegas and beyond. Most toons who came here don’t even drink, they just want a place to hang out.

When we entered the establishment, we were greeted by the usual staff, a mix of gruff gentlemen and toons, most gave themselves names, some were silent, and one was two-strip color. Well, ain’t she a show-off? The place was busy, but rather than the typical scene! of men drinking their woes away and women dancing on the floor just starting to get tipsy, it was a mess of toons and humans rolling barrels of product down ramps, packing up bottles filled with some trademarked ‘ toonshine’ that shouldn’t be consumed by any living thing (it was a hit with down-on-their-luck toons).

“You can hitchhike all the way to San Diego for all I care!” 

That scream came from the owner, a woman of middle age and faded curly black hair, with a full-figured body dressed in a faux fur coat resembling a cougar. She was holding the receiver in one hand and a glass of hooch in the other. 

“Don’t cross with Dragna, you know what happened with Ardizzone. Oh wait, you don’t! No one does, they never found a body, but they let Jack take over the family just like that. So think carefully before-” she paused and turned to us, half annoyed and half sad. “Call me when you get to the dropoff point, I want intel on what cargo we have to steal- I mean deliver from Tijuana.” She hangs up and downs her drink, slamming it on the counter once it’s empty. “To what do I owe the displeasure?”

“Pleased to meet you again, Ms. Gatz…” Yakko slides across the counter, reaching for the woman’s gloved hand and kissing it as fast as he could before she struck his face with the glass, knocking him over the stool. “Worth it…” He echoed in pain.

I rolled my eyes and spoke to the mysterious madame. “I’ll cut to the chase, Gatz. We need to get out of the state, fast.”

“Heh, so I gathered,” Gatz smirked as she lit a cigarette. “I heard on the wire that your day in court went as well as expected, now you’ve come crawling on your knees to me.”

“Oh I can crawl if you want,” Yakko, the eager beaver he was, got on all fours and attempted to cling onto Gatz’s leg. The older woman promptly lifted her leg up many times, the sound of Yakko's head hitting the bottom of the counter ringing throughout the bar.

Thud thud thud thud thud!

“Ow ow ow ow owie !”

“Move aside!” We made way for more men, bringing out more cases of alcohol.

“Say, what gives?” Wakko asks. “You throwing another shindig?”

Gatz scoffed. “Pfft, I wish. I’m afraid I’m a bit busy at the moment, if you haven’t picked up the latest paper, I’m about to go out of business.”

She picked up and dropped the latest issue of the LA Times. The headline read as follows:

‘Eighteenth Amendment Repealed! Roosevelt states; “I think this would be a good time for a beer.”’

“Oh wow,” Wakko said. “Congratulations! You must be so happy to get hammered legally again.”

Gatz sighed heavily, exhaling a puff of smoke. “Dammit, I should’ve stayed on the Chitlin Circuit. Why should I help you?”

“Other than out of the kindness of your heart?” I say as cute as possible.

This did little to faze her. “That died back in the crash of ‘29.”

“We didn’t rat you out to the cops or judge?” Wakko shrugged. “Being involved with you was the only crime we weren’t convicted of.”

Gatz crossed her arms disapproving of us. Before she could open her mouth the phone rang again. She sighed heavily as she picked up. “Gatz speaking.”

As some of the men began unloading more booze out of the bar, one of the walls opened up to a secret room and out came a black and white squirrel that looked like a Minnie Mouse ripoff if not for the bushy tail and smaller ears. 

“Yo Flip, have you seen where Foxy went? I have a bone to pick with- Oh , you guys…” She turned to us, almost dejected.

Wakko waved. “Hi Amy, we’re on the lam!”

Amy rolled her eyes. “As if that’s a surprise for you three. How’s my sister? Been a while since I’ve seen her.”

“Slappy’s alright, probably keeping the execs busy back at the courthouse-”

I replied, before being rudely interrupted by Gatz slamming the phone on the receiver, putting out her cigarette, and squeezing her temples.

“Well, you three are lucky you caught me at a bad time. I’ll get you safe transport out of LA, but it’ll cost you. I need capital and quick before I sell off this joint.”

“But… you can’t!” Yakko cried. “This place has been one of the few places in this town that lets people like us meet up and goof off.”

Gatz rolled her eyes. “Look, for what it’s worth you little ink spots are better company than most, but I got debts to pay and need to look for other ventures. Amy, take the Warners to the Acme Factory, show them what they’re take- I mean borrowing from Mr. Acme.”

Dot: I mean we were already in trouble, why not add larceny to the mix?

Nighttime - Acme Corp. Factory

As soon as the whistle blew, every worker filtered out of the gates after a long day of work. Once the coast was clear, Amy led us inside through a back door. Yakko and I followed our guide while Wakko felt it appropriate to crash through a nearby window.

“What?” Wakko shrugged. “If we’re robbing Mr. Acme we might as well put effort into it.”

Amy rolled her eyes and pressed forward, explaining the plan as we walked inside the empty warehouse full of gags.

“Word on the street is that Ajax Inc. out back east is struggling to keep up with demand and supply of pygment. They still have the Fleischer Brothers and Disney under contract but good old Marvin’s been snatching up the competition under their noses. So they’ve hired Miss Gatz to find out Acme’s secret formula”

Yakko nodded but with an uneasy expression. “I don’t know about this, I feel… what’s the word?”

“ Famished ?” Wakko asked, stuffing whatever wasn’t bolted down into his hat. “I’m still upset they didn’t give us our orders back at the courthouse."

“Nah, I feel… guilty ?”

I gasped. “But we never feel guilty, we live life with no regrets!”

“Yeah but I think I should be, I dunno, setting an example as an older brother? Plus Marvin stood up for us back in court, seems kinda lousy we’re robbing him blind.”

He kept looking back at Wakko, mindlessly shoving props and gags into his hammer space like a kid in a candy store.

My eyes glared at him. “What is this, some sappy Greta Garbo flick? Acme can always pump out more pygment, he’ll bounce back fine. And for the record I don’t feel remorse for anything we did.”

“Pfft, like that’s new…”

We turned to Amy, a grimace on her face as she climbed up the stairs and onto the catwalks.

“You got something to say Squirrel?” Yakko raised an eyebrow. 

As we reached Acme’s head office, Amy pulled off one of her gloves, her index finger forms into a key that she jams in the hole, taking a moment to figure out the lock.

“Look, I don’t blame you three for giving toons a bad rap, hell I’m exactly a model citizen by any standards.”

“Hey, you’re just doing this until you get your big break,” Wakko said sympathetically.

“If I ever!” Amy sighed. “Slappy can only get me small roles in her shorts and even then I don’t wanna fall back on her all the time. You guys make it look so easy…”

“Yeah we know we’re great,” I smirked. “But what’s with the flak now?”

“You’re hilarious, but you’re certainly not helping how humans look at the rest of us,” Amy aired out with a sense of frustration, either from her thoughts on us, unlocking the door, or both. “I’d say keep the pranks and mayhem on screen only, but it’s too late for that.”

“Yeah well blame the humans,” I spat back. “They’re just jealous that we have way more fun and our shorts are hits.”

“Not for long they’re not- OW!”

Along with a click of the doorknob, we heard a crack, and it sounded painful. Amy pulled her finger out of the keyhole and sucks on it. 

“Man that smarts… Look for anything that says where Acme’s new pygment batch is.”

Yakko pushes the door open, and we waltz inside Acme’s office, opening every compartment and tossing up every file and paper in the air. We can’t leave a perfectly neat and organized office go untouched.

“What do you ‘not for long’? ” I couldn’t help but ask Amy. “We’re the biggest hit in town. Sure we’re gonna have to get out of dodge for now but imagine the comeback!”

Amy snapped her head back. “You don’t get it, do you? That wasn’t a normal verdict against you, it’s against all of us. The judge was part of the superior court, and since your case ended with the company deciding your fate, that means all companies can legally do whatever they want with us! No questions asked.”

My eyes widen at the realization. “Well come on, it can’t be that bad-”

I paused as Amy pulled from her pocket a wrinkled old flyer, and shoved it in my face as my brothers and I read the list.

“Say, this is the same flyer I saw back at the schoolhouse,” Yakko commented. “In retrospect, I should’ve actually read it.”

“No ridicule of the clergy or profanity, including using ‘ God’, ‘Lord’, ‘Jesus’, or ‘Christ ’ in vain,” I read off, rather offended. “The $@#% is this %#&$?

Wakko continued down, and it got only worse. “Black slavery is okay to portray, but white slavery is a hard no, along with miscegenation and mixed-race couples.”

“No sex innuendos or perversion?!” Yakko cried out disgusted. “They don’t even allow kissing for longer than 5 seconds! I’d be out of a livelihood.”

“No sedition/rebelling against the system and no sympathy for criminals? That’s just us!” I pulled on my ears, looking away from that vile piece of paper. “What on earth is that horrible thing?!”

Amy sighed, her shoulders dropped in sympathy. “That’s the new code for movies now, in compliance with the government and Catholic Church. With Hays and the MPA breathing down our necks, toons are screwed. For crying out loud Flip says ‘ Damn’ once in his shorts and now the censors are forcing Ub to fire him.”

Huh, I guess that makes sense why they bothered having the trial, if they wanted to get rid of us they could’ve done it sooner.

“Dang, maybe we should’ve dialed it back on the roughhousing,” my older brother sighed.

“Hey, don’t get cold feet now Yakko,” I said taken aback. “You said it yourself and I quote;” I cleared my voice and did my best impression of him. “‘ We are the world's answer to loony justice, when the unjust must be taught a lesson’ .”

“Amen sister,” Wakko said jovially and gave his best shot at impersonating Yakko. “ We’re what kids would like to do to the jerky adults in the world.”

Yakko smirked proudly at us both. “Heh, man do I really sound that nasally?”

“More than that pencil neck Hays,” I said. “Look Acme’s nice, but a little weird around girl toons, and not the fun kind either, so us robbing him is just a little retribution. We’ll pay him back when the heat’s off us, then we can make cartoons again that aren’t just ‘ safe for work. ”

“Well, we better find it now, before they ship it off to their new laboratory location in the morning.” 

Sifting through the mess of papers on the ground, Amy picks up one and reads it.

“It’s in the next room over.”

Amy took point and opened the door, which led into a rather dark and sterile room, the only light source being the door frame and the moon that peeked through the window curtains. While most things were in boxes ready to be moved to Acme Labs, there were still some test tubes and cold Bunsen burners lying around, bottles filled with a black inky liquid inside. Some of the vials of pygment were much more colorful, marked as Technicolor with classifications on whether it’s two-strip or three-strip, the latter of which was being developed exclusively for Disney at the moment. One corner of the room had large ink machines lined up against the walls, with pipes and valves leading to the jumbo-sized vats of ink that lined the factory walls outside. And right there at the center of the room were a couple of mice in a cage, the short one looking at us with great curiosity, the taller one was stuck on the exercise wheel. 

“Aw, cute little guys,” I said. “Not as cute as me though.”

I read the inscription on the cage about the little test subjects. Apparently, Acme’s been having his lab boys see what kind of effect pygment has on live specimens.

“I think I found it!”

I turned to see Wakko point out the safe on one of the lab tables, appropriately labeled ‘Do Not Touch!’

Yakko rubbed his chin after inspecting the safe. “Hmm, lemme see something…” 

He turned to our other brother and grabbed his hat, pulling out a classic hole gag. Slapping it onto the side of the safe like a magnet, Wakko reached into the hole and grabbed the contents out. 

“Well that was easy, kinda boring too,” Yakko commented.

Wakko nodded, his hand holding the vial. “Right? Where’s the action?”

Right on cue, someone hit the lights, and we winced at the intensity of the bulbs.

“I’m afraid this is curtains for your little comedy act.”

We turned to our backs and saw the pencil neck Hays himself in the doorway, his hand on the light switch. 

“That was a lame line, and you know it.” 

I shot back at him just as a couple dozen or so men behind him filtered into the room, some entering through the backdoor and breaking through the windows. 

“A setup? Really?!” Yakko turned to Amy upset. “And to think I had the hots for you…”

Amy shook her head profusely. “First off, gross, not my type. Second, I swear I had no idea about this!”

“The squirrel with her bloomers sticking out of her skirt is telling the truth, I only called her boss on the phone…”

Right behind Hays was a disheveled Marvin Acme, looking as if he was roughed up. He stared at us with pitiful eyes.

“I’m sorry you three,” he breathed out. “They forced my hand, threatened to stop me from hiring toon workers since they’re not ‘legally’ citizens…”

Hays inched closer to us, the three of us taking a step back. How could someone so boring and dull give us the willies?

“The squirrel can leave, it’s of no use to us now.”

I stepped in front of her defensively. “ She has a name, and it’s Amy you… you cog ! That’s all you are, just another part of the machine with no personality, no nothing!”

“Heh,” Amy chuckled nervously before exiting stage left. “Never heard that insult before, kinda fitting…”

She reached for the door before turning to us. 

“Knock ‘em dead will ya?” Amy smiled sadly.

“Pfft, too easy for us.” I replied.

Hays rolled his eyes after Amy left the room. “Ugh, to think I have to deal with nothing but a bunch of court jesters who can’t take a hint that the joke has run its course. At least Mr. Arbuckle was an actual human born onto this earth, no matter how distasteful his actions may be…”

Yakko scoffed, shaking his head in disbelief. “Do you hear yourself? You’re really comparing us, a trio of toons who happen to just like playing pranks on unsuspecting humans who deserve way worse, to Fatty, a jolly man accused of rape and murder of a woman because old Willy Randy Hearst and his yellow newspapers said so?”

Hays brushed it off. “He was the epitome of everything wrong with this industry, this den of sin, you three are not just an extension of that, but exceed in such actions with no respect for authority. Not only do you fraternize with criminals and deplorables, but you’ve also lashed out against the law, caused mayhem and worse, your actions are being mimicked by the rest of your accursed kind. After Roscoe was acquitted I sought to erase his legacy by banning his films, and the same shall happen to you.”

He snapped his fingers and the cops encircled us, pulling out their guns and - wait those aren’t batons… why do they have erasers?

“What do you mean by deplorables ?” Yakko asks as we tiptoe back slightly.

Hays pulls from his coat a file, the same one from the coat, and inside reveals a set of photos of us and our more ‘scandalous’ adventures. Some were photos of toon parties that got a little too wild, complete with booze and patty-cake all over, others more strangely were us with other people, humans really. 

“Okay I understand why some would get offended by the photo of me riding a police horse at midnight while it takes a bathroom break on a squad car, but why this one?” I pointed to the most recent photo of me with Oscar Micheaux, the night before he left town we had a nice shindig with all the colored folks up in Sugar Hill.

“Or this one?” Dot pointed to the one with her and the lovely starlet Anna May Wong in Chinatown, resisting land developers from the state wanting to tear down homes and businesses.

“Ooh, I like how the photographer captured me,” Wakko pointed to the one of him with Dolores del Río at an after-party of Birds of Paradise. She along with some other girls were topless and only had flower necklaces to cover their chests.

Yakko placed his hands on his hips. “Say, why wasn’t I invited to this?!” 

“Well afterward the party got raided,” Wakko shrugged. “Apparently some attendees were some Mexican activists trying to stop the government from banning marijuana based on false accusations of violence from Chicanos. I never touch the stuff, but they make killer stoner food, just lather that hot sauce on all that meat in a tortilla and-”

“ This ! This is what I meant.”

 Wakko paused his poetic description of Hispanic cuisine as Hays continued on.

“Whenever you aren’t placing a whoopee cushion on the mayor’s chair or whacking a rubber chicken on the fire marshal, you spend your days making films that’ll be bad influences on children that encourage violence, and at night you’ll be at seedy speakeasies run by a washed out negress and the rest of your kind. But now you’ve begun to integrate with other humans, stirring up trouble, and we can’t have that now, can we? Not if they threaten the status quo.”

He placed the file back into his coat, and we see inside that he carries a small cross on his necklace.

“Today’s youth is so easily influenced by outside sources, it’s only right that they are guided by a righteous group, one that has their best interests in god’s plan.”

A moment of silence was followed by the three of us laughing our butts off at what he just said. I was wrong, this guy’s hilarious!

“ Bwah - ahahaha ! Oh- oh dear I’m gonna pee myself!” Wakko laughed with great vigor.

“ Hahaha , ah yes,” I spitted out. “P-parents should totally let their kids be watched over by a bunch of priests, that’s totally not gonna backfire.”

“Oh boy,” Yakko wiped a tear off his eye. “As if the parents even have a choice if they're natives, the government will just take their kids and ship them off to boarding school to make them more ‘civilized’ while get smacked around by rulers and rosaries.” he air quoted. 

“Enough!” Hays signals the men. “Officer Simon, arrest them.”

One of the men steps forwards. “Hands behind your back!”

I sighed. “Welp, so much for- wait what do you say your name was?”

“Officer… Simon?” The policeman replied hesitantly.

Yakko and I couldn’t help but smirk to each other, this was too perfect.

“Ooh I love this game,” Wakko said excitedly. “Simon says lift your right leg up!”

Looking at each other rather confused, one cop from the group shrugged and proceeded to lift his left-.

“Upupup!” Wakko shook his hands. “Your right leg.”

The officer corrected himself and lifted their right leg. Followed by another, then another, until even Officer Simon played along. Maybe it’s them inhaling the fumes of the pygment that’s letting this play out as funny as it is.

“What are you doing?” Hays asked annoyed with his teeth clenched. “Put them in cuffs already!”

“I’m sorry is your name Simon Will? Wait until it’s your turn,” I said. “Simon says pull your pants down.”

It was almost too cruel watching them comply with us, unbuckling their belts and struggling to pull down their trousers with their right legs still up, some even tripped on their feet.

“Simon says stick your gun up your nose,” Yakko gestured. 

Many of the officers groaned as they shoved the barrels of their pistols into their nostrils, some nervously shaking the grip.

“ Now it’s your turn.” 

Yakko pointed nonchalantly to Hays, whose face seemed ready to blow a gasket. So he isn’t completely devoid of emotion after all.

“Arrest them, now!”

I shook my head and wagged my finger. “Uh uh uh, you need to say it first!”

“I am not playing your infernal games!” Hays yelled out, a vein popping out of his forehead.

“Fine then, my turn again” Wakko shrugged. “Simon says kiss the guy next to you.”

It was rather awkward, especially for the men with bushy mustaches and beards, but they made due, one pair of cops seemed really into it. Hays gasped horrified, granted I ain’t surprised he’s a prude.

“Simon says sock the guy next to you,” I said next.

One by one the punches flew, some weren’t sure whether to punch the guy they were smooching or the guy behind them. Some of them misunderstood what I meant and tried to take off their socks, a couple put on their socks on their fists and shoved them down another’s mouth. It was pretty much a free for all.

“ Now Simon says arrest us,” Yakko opened his arms wide. “If you can that is.”

Just like clockwork, the men stumbled on themselves, struggling to pull their pants on while still wrestling with each other. Not a fan of cops as of late, but I’d be remiss to say this wasn’t a little hot, granted I could do without the guns up their noses. I’m surprised one hasn’t gone off yet-

‘BANG BANG!’

“AHHHH motherf-”

“Holy crap!”

“My nose is gone!”

Yep, right on cue. The stray bullets bounced off the pipes, steam emanating from them as they wound up breaking bottles of pygment, spilling onto the floor with some blood-red in the mix, causing the armed pantless men to slip and fall. 

“ Hahaha !” We heard Acme croak out. “I’d be laughing more if it wasn’t my property they were breaking…”

Among the chaos, an ink-covered Officer Simon leaped at Yakko, who pulled out a blood-red fabric and wore a matador hat. 

“Andele Andele!”

Yakko taunted the man who came at him running and swinging, but our older bro stepped out of the way as Simon began to slide on the slippery floor and slam himself onto one of the valves.

“Ooh, that’s a gutterball,” I signaled, holding up a cheesy sign illustrating the fail. 

Simon’s crash began to cause even more pressure from the pipes, and one of them bust open and pygment starts to leak onto Wakko.

“Pfft, ugh” he spitted out the liquid. “Ugh, I think I found the one thing I don’t like in my mouth,” he wiped the ink off his face, but his fingers lost their grip on the vial of pygment he had.

The small bottle landed on top of the cage, spilling the liquid onto the mice. One whiff, and they wound up on their backs, their feet and tails hanging in the air with their tongues hanging out of their mouths.

“Whoops, butterfingers…”

“Eh, they were probably gonna die anyway,” Yakko shrugged. “Now then- Woah !”

All of a sudden a hand grabbed Yakko by the ears. The assailant was none other than Hays, holding the eraser to his face and fuming. 

“No…. more… ” he panted. “You’re coming with us or else!”

My oldest brother rolled my eyes and stared up at him. “Look I love this new side of you, very entertaining, but if you think that’s a threat then you mmph! No- mmmprh !!” And then, silence.

Wakko and I could only gasp in horror as the cog rubbed the eraser across Yakko’s face, erasing his mouth, and from the look of Yak’s teary eyes, it was painful.

“It took a lot of trial and error, many of the toons in the courthouse had to be detained for everyone’s safety, but we decided that your lawyer was a fine test subject.” 

My hands went to cover my mouth. “You didn’t…”

The lowly human shook his head. “Relax, the negro toon is… well not alive, none of you really are, but last we checked it was able to move. Erasers can’t kill your species, but they can hurt, so I suggest you come quietly.”

“ His name is Bosko!” Wakko cried out.

I felt my teeth clench harder than my fists as Hays stepped forward. I’ve never felt so feral, all I wanted was to leap at him and smash his head in with a mallet for so much as touching our big brother, but Wakko held me back as we tiptoed our backs right on the main valve for the vats outside. Oh, well there’s an idea.

“ Wakko ,” I whispered cautiously. “ Follow my lead. ”

He nodded silently as I reached into my hammerspace slowly.