Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I’m supposed to have some art finished this week for the new song, but somehow I’ve managed to obliviously dance around the subject for most of it. I guess I’m just not inspired.

There’s tons of sketches around my room, some of random, barebones ideas, some of personal projects and, ah- and some of Mizuki. A lot of them, maybe.

It’s embarrassing, really, but I can’t do anything about it. Some time ago she asked me if I could imitate the style of this random ass anime she had recently watched, to draw some kind of funny situation with the characters. I said I could -maybe- but that I didn’t really have the time. The next day I sent her the finished thing.

And she was so amused. So effusive about how she loved it and how I had to post it on social media and how much the fandom would find it funny. Somehow it lifted my spirits.

The day after, I drew Mizuki as the main character of the show. She went insane right after I sent it. And now, well, now I draw her a lot. As if it was some character I constantly make fanart of, but she’s my girlfriend.

Girlfriend… God help me. It rolls off the tongue, really. Girlfriend. Mizuki’s girlfriend. I blush like some idiotic schoolgirl just thinking about it! I crumple the sketchbook page that I had been working on, all filled with those stupid, stupid drawings. Embarrassing. I really need to put this effort into the art I’m actually supposed to be working on.

And it’s hard to do that when my motivation has reached an all time low. Like, the Mizuki sketches are all low effort things, done to pass the time. God. Is that weird? I hope it’s not. Anyway. They’re not finished pieces. And I need a finished piece for Monday. Maybe I could talk the girls into giving me a few more days, maybe we can just post a demo… 

During times like these, I worry that I’m never getting back the passion I had in me when I started drawing. 

I’m not really a persevering person, or one that walks the extra mile unless it’s necessary, but I found a willpower I didn’t know I had in me with art. Sometimes, I thought it anchored me to keep living, but now it’s gotten harder. Even though I’m with the girls at Niigo, even though I am getting better, there are times where I worry that I don’t have it in me, never had, never will. But in spite of that, not knowing how, I manage to keep on drawing.

It is a weird thing to love something so much but still despise it at times, to still yearn for improvement larger than what I can ever manage. There’s weeks at a time where I won’t see myself anywhere near picking up a pencil, and then there are creative outbursts in which I need painting like I need to breathe.

I do find things that make me want to pursue art, and lately, even though not at my best, I’ve found so much pride in the art for the 25ji MVs. I’m grateful for the encouragement I get from my friends, and for now, it’s enough. I think.

There’s still these silly drawings, I guess. I can always gift some art to Mizuki and I know it will be appreciated wholeheartedly.

I stand up from my desk and drop myself on the bed, face down, flushed. How can a girl work in these conditions! Maybe I should meet up with someone to relax, hopefully that would help… Will Mizuki be free tomorrow? What are the odds she won’t, knowing her… Yes, I should text her.

Suddenly, someone knocks on my door, startling me.

“Who’s that?” I yell from my bed, my voice muffled between the pillows.

“I brought the snacks you asked for, dumbass. Did you forget already?” Akito. Who else could it be, really.

“Just come in and leave them wherever.”

He opens the door and lays them on my chair, as my desk is filled to the brim with papers and pencils and-

“Is this Akiyama?” And sketches of a certain someone. “Wow. I knew you were a weirdo but-”

“Oh, to hell with you. Get out!” He prods one drawing with a cookie, unabashedly.

“Come on, calm down. These are good. But shit, Ena, why are there so many of them?”

“DON’T TOUCH IT WITH FOOD ARE YOU AN IDIOT COOKIES HAVE OIL IN THEM”

“Okay, okay… God… I brought you food and this is how you repay me?” He walks away from the desk, carrying himself with the elegance of a goose. “Anyway, I won’t be asking questions about this, don’t worry. Just try to not be a weirdo about it, even though I know it’s hard for you.”

“Can you get the fuck out of my room.”

He walks up to the door and begins closing it after him, but stops at the last second and looks at me.

“Oh, that reminds me. If it isn’t too much to ask, and given that you guys are friends…”

“What.”

“Lately there’s been rumors and shit about Akiyama’s… situation, I guess you could call it. And it worries me, kinda. And An, too. Mainly her. Can you keep an eye on it all? It’s- uh. Complicated. For all of us. Especially Akiyama. I know you don’t go to class together, but maybe your common friends know something? I don’t know. Maybe this is silly, but yeah. I hope we can all help. I know you two are close, so maybe you can do more than I can”

I am dumbfounded by the sudden tenderness in his voice. Usually when I catch him with Mizuki he’s just storming around pathetically as always. Thing is, I couldn’t have imagined he cared. Maybe there’s something stinky behind it, or maybe he’s just spent too much time with that soft spoken partner of his. God, maybe that weird rap group is actually good for him. Hopefully it's all genuine… Mizuki really does have a charisma to her that makes you care, I guess. Or maybe that’s just me.

“Ah. Sure, I guess. I didn’t really know, Mizuki always looks so upbeat.” But I did know. Just not to what extent, and I doubt he does either.

“Yeah. I guess it helps to try and not bring attention to yourself. Hardly works considering Akiyama’s personality.”

“Hah, yeah.”

He stares into the hallway for a second, his mind someplace else (if there at all).

“Okay now can you get out, please.”

Startled at my voice, he finally leaves. After a few steps into the hallway I hear him snickering, apparently any previously existent worry now erased from his goldfish-sized brain.

“God. There were so many drawings.” I hear his muffled voice from outside and yell into a pillow, any other worry dissipated from my brain, too. Embarrassing embarrassing EMBARRASSING!!!!! Now my day is ruined and my reputation forever diminished. But as much as I hate to give my asshole of a brother an easy win I kinda deserved this, drawing Mizuki like that. I now have a worse mark in being always superior to him, something I had a crystal clear record in, and he’s surely enjoying this temporary advantage. But I cannot allow this any further. The category of the most pathetic sibling is only for him, and I will not have my empire topple for this stupid incident. He will know his place in due time, and my revenge will be served cold. I scream into the pillow again. Stupid stupid stupid. 

I lay like that for a while, compelled to tiny fits of rage which I unleash on my poor plushies. It does not last long, however, and slowly I begin to think again about what Akito said about Mizuki. I didn’t know there were rumors . I hate to think about her having to face that sort of thing alone, and now much of what I didn't know that made her sad begins to make sense. And then I start to wonder, rumors about what? She looks like a pretty normal girl to me. What can she have done to create such interest in her person? I realize I don’t really know much about her, other than like, what kind of anime she likes. And the music she listens to, I guess. And what her sense of fashion is like, and what her favorite foods are, and what her skincare routine is, and where she lives, and who her best friends are, and where she works at, and that she’s a trans girl, and- Oh. I stare into the ceiling. I had forgotten that she was trans for a second.

Clearly if you go to school for years with someone who everyone sees as a boy, who everyone treats like a boy and dresses like one, who suddenly comes to class one day looking like, well, like Mizuki looks like… I see how it might make some horrible talk arise. Crap, that must have been so hard for her.

And I don’t even know how she might have felt for all the months and maybe even years leading up to that breakthrough, how all that time might have looked like from her perspective.

I suddenly feel sick. How did I not think about this? Now I’m trying to recount every single conversation we’ve ever had leading to her coming out and, uh, my love confession, and try to remember if I've ever said anything that may have hurt her. I never even imagined she was trans until she told me! I might have unconsciously said something horrible… Now I understand why she was always a bit distant with me, K and Yuki, why she seemed to always be half hidden behind an invisible wall whenever I prodded into what was wrong if I found her sad. Crap.

I stay in bed for a little bit more, wondering about how can I ever talk to her the same way? As if she hadn’t gone through something I can’t even begin to comprehend… And it took me weeks to realize this, even after she told me so directly! Ah, but I know it’s not fair to her to be all gloomy about this. It’s not about me, I know that. It still hurts, and I still worry, though.

I think about all the times she must have kept appearances after a bad day at school, why she never goes to school in the first place. If it might have even happened that K or Yuki or I said something that she found hurtful, and still she was always radiant with us, always the brightest in our otherwise quite doomer group. As if she wasn’t suffering so much. I’m so thankful for her, for being so lovely all the time. But I’m also sad.

I’ll make it up to her, I think then. She deserves all the love she can get, and lately I’ve come to realize that I hold even more of that than what I expected when we started dating. 

So I stand up and walk up to my desk. Better to start off with small things. I shuffle through the drawings and come across one I did some days ago, of her working on her clothes the last time I visited her house. After a sleepover together, and before I went to school, we spent some time working on our own stuff, and while she fretted with pins and needles I quietly sketched the scene. Light came in through her pink curtains and bathed the room in a beautiful tint, all the while Mizuki moved like a whirlwind all over the place, focused despite my presence. She worked on a beautiful dress, and I had to focus to get her right. Even though a part of me knew her so well I didn’t need her to be still, I did want an interesting pose for reference, and the end result did her justice. 

I shake a bit, holding the paper in my hands. Maybe it’s still too early to show her this, but I take a picture of it on my phone and keep the drawing itself in a folder. I am quite proud of it, yes, and one day I will finish it. Hopefully she will like it.

I skim through the papers, discarding those I deem too cringy or done absentmindedly, and finally I find one inspired by an anime she used to watch. This one was done after she showed me a few episodes and afterwards I binge watched the whole thing. Then I drew us as the queercoded lesbian rivals main characters.

Was it too embarrassing to show her this? Knowing how Mizuki was, she'd probably find it cute. Maybe I could refine it a bit… or not. It’d be even worse to have a finished piece of this.

I pull my phone up and find her Nightcord chat, then I snap a pic of the drawing and send it to her.

enanan: [ hi look what i found while looking through my sketchbook. ]

[ i must’ve done it when we watched that show together lol ]

Amia: [OHMYGOD ENA THATS SO CUUUTEEEEEE !!!!!!!!]

[ (｡ﾉω＼｡) ♪ \(^ω^\ )✧\(>o<)ﾉ✧(◍•ᴗ•◍)✧*。]

[ I can’t believe you drew THAT OHHHHH AHHHH ]

[ WAIT CAN WE USE THEM AS MATCHING ICONS ]

I throw the phone on my bed and bring my hands to my face and screech. God. Then I walk up to the bed, sit down and pick up the phone.

enanan : [ lemme finish it first!!!! ]

[ im glad you like it tho!!!  😭😭😭😭😭💞 💓💞 💓]

Amia : [ OF COURSE I LIKE IT WHY DIDN’T YOU SHOW ME BEFORE AHGGGG !!!! QWQ ]

enanan : [ idk it was very embarrassing… ]

Amia : [ ITS NOT ???? ]

[ if you have more stuff like that show it to me . please ]

[ o(TヘTo) ]

enanan : [ okay i will… some of it is cringy but i’ll show you the nice ones ]

Amia : [ ALL OF THEM NOW ]

enanan : [ NNNNooooooooo…. i can show yiu some whenever we meet. ]

Amia : [ tomorrow ]

[ tomorrow afternoon when i wake up we go to a cafe or something and you show me ]

[ ive meant to go on another date with you for a while now . you pick the place ]

[ <(￣ ﹌ ￣)> ]

enanan: [ i have night classes mizuki!!!!!!!! ]

Amia: [skip them ]

[ ? ]

enanan: [i dont think i can afford that. if i start skipping school for meeting with you then ill probably never stop ]

Amia: [ prolly not ]

[ considering my unending charm and charisma ]

[ but would it be really that bad ]

enanan: [ yes! ]

[ what if we meet the day after tomorrow. like on saturday ]

Amia: [ okay….. if you want…….. if you really cant tomorrow….. ]

enanan: [ dont guilt trip me ]

Amia: [ (づ◡﹏◡)づ ]

[ /j ]

[ saturday is fine !!!! ]

enanan : [ okay…… and i will bring some of the silly drawings ]

Amia : [ ALL OF THEM ]

enanan : [ no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ]

Amia : [ i’ll text you when i wake up on Saturday then]

[ and we can meet around 5-6 ]

enanan : [ okie…. see you on nightcord tonight tho !! ]

Amia : [ yes !!! see you there ☆⌒(≧▽° ) ]

I put the phone down, reinvigorated. What would I do if it wasn’t for her! Now calmer, I sit on my desk chair, ready to gather some inspiration from some unknown part of my brain. I think about Mafuyu’s face if I don’t have my work done by the deadline and grimace. I really need to finish this illustration.

Chapter Text

It’s been a while since I last went to school. This of course isn’t unusual, but lately, skipping so much class has started weighing on me, i guess something about failing to meet expectations and fear of disappointing everyone. It happens, sometimes, to have a few bad days thinking about this, but mostly they pass swiftly. Not this time, apparently. Yesterday I almost managed the willpower to go, and when it felt apparent that I wasn’t following up on my intentions, I decided to go to bed earlier so that I could go today. Now my alarm is blaring in my ears and anything else would be better than getting up.

But I do. I sit straight on my duvet and rub my eyes (which refuse to stay open) and then drop myself again over my pillows. I can’t do this today. The alarm clock reads 6:00 a.m.. I roll around my bed and let an arm fall from its side, hovering inches apart from the floor.  I cannot do this today. My eyes have slowly grown used to the darkness, only disturbed by a sliver of morning light that breaches my curtains.

One, two, three. I roll again on my bed, now facing the ceiling, and raise my hands up in front of me, the sparkly nail polish I put on yesterday not glimmering in the unlit room. I drop my arms on the bed and yawn, then begin wondering why my parents let me do all this. Not only the skipping school, though that’s intriguing too, but the whole, eh. The whole girl thing. I don’t know how much they understand, and it feels shameful, somehow. To allow it to me without comprehending it. Not that I fully do, of course.

My brain’s all mushy. I worry too much, especially when sleepy. One, two, three. I sit up again, this time for realsies. I don’t know what comes over me the days I do go to school. Most of them I regret it, but once I get the firm idea that I will attend my classes I just can’t let go. 

So I walk from my bed to my bathroom and wash my face, do my skincare routine, not too slow as to be too late but not rushing it either (I can’t remember the last time I was early to school). I go back into my room, to my vanity, and do my makeup. Nothing flashy, just some concealer and a bit of blush and mascara, as I'm just going to school, but something, still.

It feels like a little heartbreak, like always, to do this. To do my makeup, to wear the uniform, the skirt, the thigh high socks. It’s better than the boy’s blazer I wore in middle school, obviously, and it makes me happy to look in the mirror and find how cute I can make myself look, but somehow, something still stings.

I remember something I heard some students say, about why would I dress like this if it wasn’t to cast attention upon myself. That I could just choose to make my life easier.

They don’t know that I made that choice long ago and that I had to forsake it, they don’t know it would never satisfy me. This is what I want, I remind myself. It’s difficult now, but I’m not doomed to feel like this forever. And after already doing all this, I don’t have much of a choice anymore, do I? Now that I’ve found out how happy I can be!

I get dressed, then, and there’s still a small guilt inside of me, for this all. How can I feel guilty if what I’m doing only harms me ? It doesn’t make sense! And if I think about it rationally I know it’s not that big of a deal, how it makes sense for this to feel wrong when society as a whole lacks understanding towards my experience. I mean, if I feel that everything’s going against me for wanting to look like this, then a bit of anxiety is to be expected! How silly to have girly clothing unleash such turmoil in me…

But then again, if this is what I want, why do I feel like a fake most of the time? I mean, am I actually a girl? It’s not something that I actually thought was possible until, eh, not so long ago! I mean, it really feels right to be seen as one by my friends, but I’m sometimes afraid to just be fooling them… I wonder if it gets easier, and it probably does, as things have indeed gotten simpler this year, now that I’ve found people that I can actually call friends (or so I'm trying to accept), who never doubted my identity, who never actually cared for it in the first place. I’m cared for because of who I am before anything. Aren’t I lucky? Is that why I feel guilty now? Because this luck might not be there for so many others? Because I’m allowed to live this half-fantasy?

How many like me are out there? How many don’t have it this easy? If you could call this easy, that is. But I did have some help, my sister and parents, and I do have my friends now.

I have Ena now too, I tell myself, and everything feels a little less worrying. Do I feel guilty for Ena? I'd hate to be. Ugh. Maybe I should stop thinking about all this crap. There’s more imminent problems, like getting through the day. Not that anything is going to stop me from trying, now.

I go to the kitchen. Still half asleep, my brain just scrambled eggs at this point. Today I go to school, it serves me nothing to be all gloomy when I haven’t even left. I help myself to a cup of coffee and browse the fridge for any food I might take for lunch. There’s some leftovers from last night, so I pack them in my bento box and throw that into my schoolbag.

Then my mom, who apparently just woke up, catches me leaving the kitchen and gives me a hug, encouraging me for the day.

“Aren’t I a little old for this, mom.” I say, not really annoyed, as this is not a normal occurrence. Of course, it’s not like I go to school enough for it to happen much.

“Come on, can’t a mother love her kid? You’re already close to finishing your first year of high school! The time where I can still greet you before you leave for school is brief, and it will be gone before we know it. Better to hug you now than regret I didn’t hug you enough later.” I bury my head in her shoulder with a small knot in my throat. “Call me if you need anything, alright?”

“Yes, mom.”

There, something else to feel guilty about. Do I deserve a mom as caring as this? I wonder how hard it is to be my mother. Ah, but it’s not actually my fault to be like this. She would probably be sad if I thought about it that way. Again, another thought to discard so I don’t drown in it. The Mizuki of the future will surely have time to deal with it. I run back to my room to gather some school supplies I forgot about, then rush back to the door again, catching a glimpse of a family picture from when my sister was still living with us.

I really am lucky to have my family by my side. Even though there’s things they might not fully understand and things they say that unconsciously hurt, they really try. And I am grateful. I stare at the framed picture for a very short while as a small smile appears on my face, and I wonder about my sister, wherever she might be. 

When I was younger I used to think that being half as cool as her would satisfy me, that achieving a fraction of what she had would be enough. But maybe I have it in me to be a little better than what I hoped for. Maybe, and partly thanks to her.

And so, with my confidence a bit restored (and no time to loiter around while thinking about stuff with no clear resolution), I leave my house and take the subway, which is way too full, as usual, so I pull up my phone and start scrolling on social media while listening to music. When I have to change trains I briefly exit the station and look around for a boutique that I was told would be opening soon, to check the schedule. It’s too early for it to be open, but I hope to go there one of these days. The clothes are cute, and other than buying something I can maybe get inspired for my own work.

I snap a pic of the place and note its name, and start heading back to the subway when I see Rui pass me by in a rush.

“Rui?!” I yell after him and start trying to catch up. He doesn’t answer, probably not hearing me, so I run down the flight of stairs towards my stop, and catch his purple hair entering the train that takes us to school. What’s got him? It’s not too late- 

I check the time as I enter the train too, and realize classes are starting in five minutes or so. If we didn’t catch this train we would’ve missed even more than just homeroom period. Crap. I navigate across the car up to him. His sight is fixed on his phone, not noticing I’m literally a breath away from him.

“Rui” I wave my hand in front of his phone screen. “Rui!” And he notices!

“Mizuki? You’re late too?”

“When am I not late, dear.”

“Hehe, that’s right. To find you running on time would be even more surprising than you coming to school!”  Oh, okay, old friend. Not that there’s a reason behind it.  

“Well, guess where I’m going.” I shuffle beside him and grab the ceiling handle.

“Aren’t I lucky, then!” 

“Yes, graced with my presence.”

He laughs under his breath, like he has always done, with a sparkle of something indistinguishable between malice and joy. If that makes sense at all (though not much about him usually does).

“And how fares my old friend this fine morning?” He asks, jokingly, in a pompous tone. I answer in the same manner.

“Well, if you must insist, I was having a pretty nice time. A bit sleepy, perhaps. But a nice ride to class nonetheless.” I do a small reverence with my head, rolling my eyes but smiling. “It was a beautiful coincidence to find you here. And I must ask, what news dost thou bring?”

“Ah, not much, I must say. School life progresses as dull as you might imagine, but thankfully I’ve found much solace with my friends from Wonderland.”

“Then I’m glad for that, dear, I am. I too have been-” I’m having a hard time coming up with words, talking like this. I would probably even find it embarrassing if I weren’t sleep deprived. It's also funny, yes, but not for this time in the morning. “God, Rui, I’m gonna drop the act. I’m too tired.” He laughs. “But I’ve been having a great time with my group, too.”

“That’s nice to hear!”

“Yes! I’m so happy that things are turning up for us.” And I mean it. “You know, one of these days we should try to meet and catch up.”

“Oh, yeah, that would be great. I’ve been busy lately with my guys at the park, but I’m certain we could find some time when we’re both able to meet.”

“I could even go pick you up there, if that’s more convenient for you.”

“Oh, sure. We can talk about it.” He smiles, this time a little bit more warmly.

Jolly, I rest my back against the wall of the car and lock arms with him after feeling a bit tired from grabbing the handle. We stay quiet for the rest of it, the noise in the ever filling train growing with every station, making it even harder to talk.

Once we finally get out just near Kamiyama High, we briefly say goodbye to each other and promise again to hang out soon, then go our separate ways. I rush to the floor where my class is, a bit mad to have to run like this. Once I reach it I hope to find An sitting somewhere already, and I am not disappointed.

“Hiii!” I sit beside her, in what she usually keeps as an empty seat reserved for me. I’m so thankful for her always doing that, in case I choose to attend class, and I’m especially glad to find it today after the rush I was in.

“Oh, Mizuki, hi! You arrived just in time.” She beams at me, like she always does.

“Yes, I coincidentally met with Rui before heading to the subway, and I only got into the train in time because I rushed after him.”

“That’s lucky! And I bet you wouldn’t have done much during Homeroom, so it was perfect timing.”

“Yeah, if I’d arrived in time for that I would’ve probably waited outside.” I giggle under my breath.

“I figured. Anyway, wanna meet for lunch later? Akito was coming too, but I figure you don’t mind.”

“Sure! I love Ena’s lil’ bro. He’s always so funny.” An lets out a short laugh.

“Yes, he is. Sometimes annoying, but mostly funny about it.”

“And isn’t Toya coming around too?”

“No… He had some work to get done at the library.”

“Crap… He’s always nice to be around.” I don’t mean to sound too bummed about it (because I’m not), but I also really like to see my acquaintances whenever I grace these school grounds.

“I’m sure we can all have lunch together some other day.”

“Oh, yeah! Yes, I know.” If only I came around more. “It’ll be soon enough. I really want to raise my attendance rate. Even if just a bit.”

“That’s great! I’ll make sure to be around and help you as often as I can.”

“Thanks, An, I really appreciate it.” I smile at her, and then our math teacher walks into the class.

“I know you do.” She stretches towards me and squeezes my hand briefly before the teacher sits down and begins taking attendance.

I notice she almost skips me, then, and for a small moment her gaze darts towards my seat, and she has to catch her words not to directly name the next person on the list. It’s a small misstep, but some people in the class notice. And just saying my name aloud causes some people who hadn’t seen me yet to stare for a few uncomfortable seconds. However, the list keeps going, and people forget about it quickly. Hopefully, that is.

Sometimes I worry that I’m too paranoid about it. That the stares are not that bad, and that there’s really not much attention on me. Although frequently, whenever I allow myself to relax, something happens that promptly makes me face the stark reality that I am not allowed to remain unnoticed. And sometimes, most times , being noticed means bad news for me.

However, it’s been quite a while since something truly horrible happened, so, thinking about it rationally, today doesn’t have to be bad. It really doesn’t, I tell myself. Maybe it’s not good to fall back and relax and then suddenly be badly surprised, but it’s not good to be on edge either. I repeat that inside my head, again and again, as the lecture starts and things I already know are explained for too long a time.

Today doesn’t have to be bad, like a mantra. I get through today and I will see Ena tomorrow. Today doesn’t have any reason to be bad!

The class ends after some time, and I actually get a ton of work done before that,  managing to bury my anxiety behind the wall of math problems to solve. I’m really thankful that I can manage school from home and not be terrible at it. I never considered myself to be nearly as smart as teachers regarded me, I just tried to get through the year. And when you don’t go to school, you gotta work extra hard so you don’t fail. I am aware that it’s a challenge, but I wouldn’t do nearly as well as this if I didn’t have the incentive of it allowing me to skip class.

Does that make sense? Once, An wondered about how I kept my marks high, and I told her that I just studied from the textbooks. Most of the time, a teacher explaining what is already written didn’t add much to what I could learn by myself. I know that everyone prefers things being explained in a specific way to get them faster, and it helps to have a teacher to ask doubts to, but I also have the internet to look things up. Any question I might have has surely been asked by somebody else before me on a random forum. And I can just read what they were answered.

An was dumbfounded by this, and I had to go out of my way to reassure her I am not a prodigy in any way. It’s not something I’d like to be! I think that I shine most in subjects other than studying. Plus, being overly intellectual at school only gets you fiends and bullies, so better to keep this a secret as much as I can.

Hehe, my secret identity as a nerd. That’s funnier than what I’m actually trying to conceal.

While I’m buried in thought I head to my next class with An, during which nothing remarkable happens. This one morning period has reminded me that school is mostly boring. When was the last time I attended a whole morning of classes? It feels like an eternity… Maybe I should try to hold on today until the last period. It’s not so bad, actually, and it helps to be sitting with An, though during the second boring class I begin craving to chat with her, which is hard while the teacher speaks, and reprehensible during work time. So I just start storyboarding the next 25ji MV. Occasionally, though, I pass notes to her, some with a clearer explanation of the harder exercises the teacher gives us, and some with just silly drawings. She mainly answers the latter with funny notes, or sometimes she just smirks at the paper, even holding down a laugh, which makes me really happy.

However, that’s little solace during the two more classes that follow, and while it’s not bad, I start going mad from boredom by the end of fourth period. I’ve already caught up on the homework we were given, and I even took the chance to swiftly talk to my teachers after their lectures ended. They’re all kind to me, which doesn’t strike me as surprising, seeing how lenient they are regarding my absences. Though they are a bit shocked when I show them all my work being up to date.

Anyway, fourth period ends, and I rush outside with An for lunch. Akito waits for us sitting on a bench, snacking on some kind of chocolatey bun, which he probably got from a vending machine.

“Hey, lil’ bro! Don’t you have a proper lunch to eat?” I wave and smile at him as we approach.

“Oh great, you’re here.” He raises an eyebrow towards An. “Hi there, you too.”

“Come on, at least pretend you’re happy to see us! I even texted you Mizuki was coming.” She’s grinning beside me.

Akito shuffles over and leaves space on the bench for us three.

“Do you want any food? I carelessly packed a bit too much.” I pass him my bento box, which he eyes longingly.

“Can I, uh, take anything?”

“Sure, go on. I wouldn’t want you to starve!”

He picks up a rice ball, carefully.

“Sorry, I forgot to pack lunch today, I was in such a rush…”

“Well, I was too, but I preferred to be late than hungry.”

“That makes sense…” he takes a bite. “These are good, thanks, Akiyama.”

“You’re welcome!”

“Anyway, how was your morning, Akito?” An asks as she starts eating herself.

“Well, didn’t do much. Almost fell asleep during class. Several times. ” He exhales, annoyed. “I don’t know what has been going on these past few weeks, it’s as if nothing interesting ever comes up. I really need the holidays to arrive sooner…”

“Yeah, same here. I’m looking forward to practice this afternoon, though. It’s the only thing that breaks the routine, lately.”An answers, gleeful.

I catch her then, furtive, glimpsing towards Akito’s phone and back at hers for just a split second. A shudder crawls along my spine for a moment as brief as An’s glance was. I worry that it might be a hidden message she’s sent him, maybe with some secret meaning behind the conversation? Though I probably just imagined it. Anyhow, their phones remind me that I promised Rin I’d show her a new dress in the SEKAI, later today. 

I find it funny to have that secret to keep, too. I imagine An and Akito here, completely unaware of the mysterious world that I daily access from my phone. I almost let out a giggle thinking about it when I realize Akito has asked me a question.

“And how was your morning, Akiyama? Are you staying for your classes after  lunch, too?” 

“It was nice. Mostly boring, uneventful all the way through. Though yes, I might just stay for the rest of the day, seeing that I don’t really have anything else to do.”

“That’s school for you, I guess. It’s hard to believe we’ve still got another two years of it after this one, huh.”

He finishes all the food he had and rests his back against the bench, hands clasped over his legs, gazing upwards to the sky. He looks a little bit like an old man, sitting and talking like that. I bet that An has the same train of thought as she stifles a laugh.

“Come on, Akito, don’t be depressing. We’ll get through it.” She then looks at me, smiling warmly. “And I’m glad to hear that you’re staying for the afternoon! It’s so refreshing, seeing you so much in one day.” She throws an arm over my shoulder, and rests her head over mine. 

“Aw, thank you, An!” I bump our heads together before she lets go, and Akito rolls his eyes. Misogynistically.

Just then, though, a notification sound goes off from An’s phone. She promptly takes it out and gawks at the screen, startled.

“Crap! I had a meeting today for the Hall Monitor thing!”

“When?” 

“Right now, apparently? Shit, I’ve gotta run.”

“Oh well,” I say, a bit bummed. “I’ll see you afterwards in class, then?” She picks up her stuff and turns back towards me as she begins to walk away.

“Yes! See you there, Mizuki! I’d missed you, you know, you make classes a little bit less boring.”

I wave off at her, beaming, and proceed to keep picking at my food. I really like going to class with her, and I wish it was always as easy as today. Boredom seems an easy beast to tame compared to whatever fright I might come around.

Then, I end up splitting my meal with Akito, seeing that I’m not too hungry and that I packed an absurd amount of food. 

“You know, Akiyama,” he starts, with his mouth full, “Ena would hate me for telling you this, but yesterday I found some drawings she made of you. Like tons of them.”

“What. Tons?”

“Yes. It was funny. I almost never see her during the day, but I went home earlier yesterday, and she asked me to bring some snacks to her room. When I went in, she had her desk full of sketches.”

“ All of them. Of me?”

“Well, not all- though maybe most of them.”

“I,” I stifle a laugh that comes out as mostly hiccups, “I knew she’d done a few drawings of us- of me, but that many ?”

“Haha, yeah. She’s weird like that sometimes. Doesn’t it bother you?”

“Why should it? It’s endearing! And funny. Plus, it feeds my ego.”

“Mhm. I guess.”

Oh, I’m gonna tease Ena with this so much when I get the chance. Will she come tomorrow with a huuuge folder full of sketches? She wouldn’t. She’d be too embarrassed. I let out a cackle, wondering about how many of them will be left home, and what will I need to do to actually see them.

“I’ve gotta ask, though, is there, uh. Something between you two?” He says then, after laughing a fair bit himself.

“What.” I stare at him dumbfounded, my eyes still tearful from cracking up.

“Like, I don’t say it because of the drawings, though that too, it’s like, you’ve been spending tons of time together lately.” I try to think about something to say, but he continues before I manage anything. “I, ah, I don’t mean to pry. It’s your thing, I mean. I don’t know if I came off as weird, like, I know you guys are friends, but I,”

“It’s okay, Akito. Yes. We are friends.” He stares, moth agape.

“Uhm, then sorry I asked.”

“It’s nothing.”

Should I've told him? I don't think so, that's a job for Ena. It's her choice, too. And besides, it's more complicated than that…

For a second, I wonder how he sees me. Sure, he comes to school with me, he probably knows the rumors. I’m sure I didn’t pass for him like I passed as a girl for Ena, who only knew me from Nightcord and a few brief meetings. Would he find it weird that I dated his sister? What would he judge me as? He is pretty respectful, and has never made a comment about my appearance, but I can’t help wondering, what does he see me as ? Did he think of me as his sister’s boyfriend? A really weird boy at that, or maybe an attempt at being a girl, or… Crap. Why do I have to expect the worst from him? 

I’m already on the defensive, yet he only made an innocent question. He might also even be gay, for all that I know! Seeing how close he and his bandmate are. Of course, it’s not quite the same,  and it doesn’t have to mean he’d understand me by any means. Ah… So complicated! He must notice me buried in thought, as he asks:

“Anyhow, I think you’re pretty good for my sister, Akiyama.” He leans forward on the bench, looking sideways at me and resting his elbows on his legs. “As friends, I mean, or whatever. She’s- we’ve- always been pretty lonely, and I’m glad to see that’s changing. As much as she can be an ass sometimes, I really care for her. And I know she cares for me too. But never tell her I’ve said that.” Ah, Akito, you’re full of surprises aren’t you? I giggle.

“Don’t worry, I won’t. Though thanks for telling me, I’m sure she appreciates you the same way. And I’ve gotta say, I find your relationship so amusing. But charming, also. You guys are hilarious.”

“Yeah, even if it comes at my expense most of the time.” He scratches his head, now smirking. “You’re funny too, Akiyama.”

“Thanks!”

The class bell goes off just then, and we begin picking up our things to head to class.

“Do you mind if I walk you to your lecture?” He asks once we start pacing.

“Oh, sure! But won’t you be late?”

“I won’t, our classes aren’t too far apart. Plus, it's not like I’d care.” He smirks, hands in his pockets, his bad boy persona out in full shine. He’s hilarious.

“Lil’ bro, you should take school more seriously!” I laugh.

“Oh, don’t give me that, I’ve already got more than enough with Toya and Kohane trying to talk me into diligence.”

We laugh as we walk the stairs up to my class, all the while he tells me about his friends’ study plan for him and An.

Then all of a sudden, as we walk down the hallway, some kids that are not from my class pass by, and I hear their mutterings as they do. Not like they try to hide it.

“Is that Akiyama?”

“Looks like he’s got some new friend.”

“Don’t you think he’d find it gross to hang out with that kid?”

“Yeah, I’d be creeped out most of the time.”

“It’s so weird for a guy to dress like that. Makes you think he’s gonna take advantage of you.”

I’m paralyzed. This hadn’t happened in forever. It was the exact reason I’d stopped coming to school.  You’d think people would just let the subject rest after months ! My throat knots up, making me feel like I'm choking. Why do people have to be so evil? I never did anything to upset them. Stuff like this makes you wonder if you’re in fact the problem, if you’re actually a creep or a pervert or…

Out of the blue, Akito smashes his fist into the locker near him and walks up to the guys who were talking. I shut my eyes, startled, and clench my hands hard.

“What the fuck is wrong with you.” Akito is yelling at them. I caught a glimpse of the guys, three of them, two from first year, and one from second. “What makes you think you can talk like that about someone. Someone who's near you listening.”

“Who are you?” They ask, trying to sound gallant. Akito, however, does not back down. There’s no teachers in the hallway (yet) and I want to ask him to stop. He’s only drawing so much attention. I need this to stop. But I’m petrified, my head now drooping as if subjected to twice the gravity of the earth, not a sound coming out of my mouth, let alone a plea.

“A friend of the hall monitor’s committee leader. Now, get the fuck off, and learn some fucking decency, idiots!” His words fall like dumbbells over me. I don’t understand why he’s defending me, why anything is happening at all. I only want this to end.

And to my surprise, they do not say anything else, probably not finding it worth it. I hear their paces proceed swiftly along the silent hallway as they grumble.

This should be good news. It should, if everyone wasn’t looking. I wouldn’t know, my empty eyes still fixated on the floor as if trying to drill it, but I’d expect it. Everyone must be looking. I want to run away, then, run all the way home, not taking the subway or the bus, just run, run, run as far away as my legs could take me. I shouldn’t have come to school, though does that really come as a surprise? 

It’s just not for me. School is not for me. An easygoing life is not for me. Something such as boredom all through a class day is a privilege for me! How can they not know, I wonder. How can people be rude like that, be so mean to others? I don’t know how they have it in them. I feel my eyes begging to swell up with tears, but that too is something I cannot afford. The least I can do is try and not show weakness as much as I feel it.

I start raising my head when I feel Akito’s hand on my shoulder. He’s not looking at me, however, and is eyeing a couple of first year students -the only two other students- that are in the hallway. I realize that I was only imagining tenths of whispering voices around us, a full hallway of silent judgment.

“So?” He asks them. “Are you gonna be assholes to her, too?”

“Oh, no, no. Sorry.” They scuttle over, heading to what I presume is their class. Did more people see?

And then, suddenly, I realize. Akito said ‘ her’ , referring to me. I’m confused.

“Are you alright?” He asks, hand still on my shoulder, pressing a bit too hard. I look at him, and I wish I knew what he saw in my eyes.

“You said her. ” I mumble.

“What?” 

“You said “ her ”, talking about me.” His eyes twitch for a millisecond.

“Ah. Oh. I’m sorry, I- I can’t help but see you as- I mean, I don’t know how you identify, but I wouldn’t want to ask that either, in case it was awkward-”

“No, no. It's fine.” It actually is, I realize. It actually made me happy. ‘I can’t help but see you as…’ My heart skips a beat. “Thank you.”

He stares, doubtful.

“It’s nothing. I can’t stand assholes like that.”

“Same.” I manage a smile to alleviate the tension. “Ah, Akito. I think you can let go of my shoulder now. You’re gripping it like you’re King Kong.”

“Sorry! Shit, sorry!” He lets go, his arm flailing back as if slingshot.

“Don’t worry! I really am thankful, though.” And my smile becomes a little more genuine.

“Well, as I said, it’s nothing…” his ears are a bit red, “I guess you’ll be going back home, I can take you to the school gates.”

“Don’t worry. I might just stay… I feel that I’d be letting them have the pleasure of driving me away if I leave now.” He looks at me, curious, with something that almost feels like respect.

“That’s really brave of you, Akiyama.”

“Just how I have to be, lil’ bro.” 

Not something I’m trying to be or achieve, just a survival instinct. We reach class, and I wave him goodbye as gleefully as I can manage, still thankful. I’m a tad bit late, but not as much as to draw even more attention to myself. It was such a short exchange, with those boys, and still it felt so impactful. Horribly so. But still I mostly think about Akito thinking of me as a girl. Even though he knows, even though he never asked. An probably sees me like that too. I wonder how many others do so, too. And I feel a little bit better. 

Classes rush past, and I tell An about what happened during the short breaks between them. She’s mostly angry at the kids, and I have to dissuade her from ganging up on them after school. But she’s also amazed that I chose to stay, and congratulates me on my bravery. I dare not say that if it weren’t from Akito there, I’d already be home by now. But that’s not really important, is it?

What matters most is that, bit by bit, I have more people who care about me here. An, Akito, even Rui whenever I come across him… Even the girls from 25ji and Miku and company are somewhat backing me up, even if not physically. And maybe next week I won’t be coming to school, still reeling from this, but whenever I do, I’ll be sure to have some friends besides me. Isn’t that beautiful?