Chapter Text
Rebecca Cotswolds giggles softly, adjusting her glasses with her free hand. The other is intertwined with her new girlfriends’, Heidi Turner. The two are sitting at their lunch table, talking and smiling happily. Sometimes, Heidi interrupts herself and places a kiss on Rebecca’s cheek or forehead, earning a small gasp and blush from the taller girl.
It makes Cartman sick.
How could his ex-girlfriend… be a god damn lesbian!! Okay, she had come out like a couple months ago, but he didn’t think she was being serious! That’s the excuse he used when Kyle made fun of him for “turning his girlfriend lesbian”. But now, it’s undeniable. She’s canoodling with that ex-homeschooled girl in the middle of the cafeteria!
He has to put a stop to it.
–
Across the cafeteria, a curly brown haired boy is also having similar thoughts.
Mark watches in dismay as his sister so openly chats up Heidi Turner, the class stoner witch. Mark had never liked Heidi too much. She constantly reeked of weed and bad morals, and her beliefs struck him as strange. He has always been taught that God is a “Him”, but she goes around spewing how “God is a woman!!”. So when he found out she had stolen the heart of his lovely and pure sister, he was NOT happy.
So that is why he’s sitting at the lunch table alone, glaring at the two so hard he’s surprised she can’t physically feel it. But even if she could, she would probably ignore it in favor of smooching with Miss. Heathen.
He has to find a way to stop this, he has to have a plan.
–
Cartman rubs his hands together, like the evil little shit he is, as he lays as “flat” as he can manage against the lockers. The two girls are chatting on the other side of the wall, giggling about whatever the fuck girls do. If he can get Heidi alone, maybe he can convince her to break up with the other girl. I mean, he's manipulated her once before, right? What kind of girl could stand up to his mind games? They’re all too emotional anyways, always thinking with their pussies.
The conversation dies down, and Cartman perks up slightly at the sound of light footsteps. Now’s his chance, just ambush one of them as they round the corner and…
BAM!
Cartman finds himself on the floor in a second, having slammed right into a taller figure. He groans and rubs his head, his hat all askew.
“Jesus dude, what the fuck was that??” he barks, fixing his hat and finally getting a look at the person who so rudely interrupted his masterful plan. The boy, also on the floor, is pretty tall and lanky. His curly brown hair is all messed up, covering a lot of his face. It’s Mark Cotswolds.
Cartman has never really had a problem with the ex-homeschooled boy. I mean, anyone who hates Kyle is cool in his books, but he’s still a nerdo freak. His friends would judge him hardcore if they hung out, so he’s kept his distance. Besides, his sister was now swapping spit with his ex and he had just rammed into him, which is totally not fucking cool.
“Gosh can no one watch where they’re going in this school!” Mark leers, pushing his hair out of his face as his green and hazel eyes meet Cartman’s purple and brown.
Cartman was a character alright. The things he said could send his poor sweet grandma to a nursing home, but surprisingly, he couldn’t get himself to hate the chubby boy. I mean, he had been one of the first guys to be nice to him, standing up on that stage. He also hates Kyle, which is definitely a point in his favor.
However, right now, he doesn’t like Cartman too much. He had been planning on ambushing his sister and her girlfriend (he shudders even thinking of the word), to try and talk some sense into his corrupted kin. Maybe a good talking too would straighten her out, and things could be normal again! Instead, he walked straight into his stout peer.
“I could say the same to you asshole!” Cartman sneers, glaring daggers at the taller boy.
“Sorry, I couldn’t see you from down there,” Mark jokes(???). It’s very hard to tell if he’s joking, as his facial expression doesn’t budge.
“Aye! I’m not short–”
“What were you even doing anyways?” Mark asks, completely dismissing the angry rant Cartman was about to go on.
“I was trying to talk some sense into those lesbo bitches Heidi and Rebecc–”
“Oh, you were doing that too?”
“AYE stop interrupting m– wait… too?”
Cartman interrupts his own rant with a confused look Mark's way. Did that imply what he thought he was implying??
“Well yes, of course. I can’t have my poor sister with a woman like Heidi Turner.”
His nose scrunches, as if saying the name puts a sour taste in his mouth.
“You two dated right? If there’s any way to get them to break up, you would know!”
Mark seems to have a hopeful gleam in his eye. Maybe Cartman was the key to getting his sister out of Heidi’s clutches!!
Cartman can’t ignore that hopeful gleam and he stutters, hoping he can sound like he knows what he’s doing. He can’t look stupid right now!!
“W-Well yeah, of course I fucking do! I just need to… get more data on the two bitches. To make sure my plan is foolproof!” he bluffs. In reality, he has barely any idea what he’s doing. He doesn’t have a goddamn plan, but he can’t say that to Mark, Especially not now, as his face lights up,
“Please let me help you, Eric!” Mark begs, hands now on Cartman’s shoulders. “I could be of service, I’m very proficient in data collection!”
God dammit this guy is a fucking nerd, but he could use him to his advantage. Get him to do all the hard dirty work while he himself can lay back and relax. Maybe this accidental run in wasn’t so bad after all…
“You got yourself a deal poindexter,” Cartman smirks, holding out a hand to shake. Mark eagerly takes it in both of his tan thin hands, shaking as if his life depends on it. At the moment, it feels like it does.
Project: Lesbian Espionage is now underway.