Archive of Our Own ^beta

Anne sniffled curled in on herself as she looked at her hands. The metal that covered them caked in blood. 

She tried so hard to think and remember just exactly what she had done, but there was nothing to go back to. It was like waking up from a dream that you knew was important and having a general idea of what it was about. But nothing that mattered. There was no image in her head of her actions. There was no general plot she could piece in her head. There was nothing.

Nothing but the facts she could see in front of her.

Anne swallowed, her left arm reaching to grip her right shoulder. The metal flaws she had tied to her hands twitched as she moved. Whether it was from the anxiety of putting something cold and mechanical near such a vulnerable spot or general pain in her limbs; she couldn’t tell. 

The action was slow and hesitant. She was careful not to nick herself or get foreign blood in her body. And as the weight of her hand rested on her shoulder, she let the tears flow.

Her right hand moved its way to her face, her mouth moving to work the buckle on her wrist. She twisted her head and pulled. The action was harsh and cold, she hissed as she cut herself, a thin angry line appearing on her forehead.

You did the right thing.

Shut up.

With a clang the metal claws hit the cave floor. 

Now you see what’s at stake.

Stop talking.

Anne’s left hand released her shoulder and fell into her lap allowing her now free hand to undo the buckle. When it landed on the floor next to the first one, she used her foot to kick it away into the corner.

Should I take your actions as a decision?

Anne growled at the voice in her head.

I said stop talking.

I’m tired.

I just killed someone.

I don’t want to hear this right now.

What do you want me to say?

Anne paused. Hands moving to cover her mouth. She hadn't spoken, but still she could feel the bile rising in her throat.

She had killed someone.

They weren’t human.

Anne looked at the blood on her claws. It didn’t matter. Someone wasn’t going to wake up in the morning. Someone’s family has to live with the fact that a parent or child wasn’t coming home.

These frogs don’t live the life you did. They are used to death.

Anne couldn't respond. How could she, why did that thought make her feel so much worse than before. She was part of the reason these lives didn’t matter.

Stop.

Almost on instinct Anne’s thoughts skidded to a halt.

You aren’t alone. Remember who you do this for.

Anne looks up to see the kill-a-pillers. They were halfway into the cave with her. Theri tiny limbs moving so quickly for such little distance. In any other situation it would be cute to watch them scuttle about in their carefree nature. Searching for anything that could capture their attention for more than a few minutes.

Anne smiled, but just for a moment. Until she saw it.

Their mouths were stained red with blood. And Anne felt sick all over again.

You must get over that. It’s life. Death is natural for the survival of your species.

No part is greater than the whole.

Anne nodded her head. She had seen numerous animals strung up in butcher shops and fish with their cold dead eyes staring at her at many markets, so why was this any different? Anne took a breath.

You're right, I need to get over it. The pack must survive. I refuse to let another one of us die.

Us?

Anne nodded her head watching as the mother grabbed a kitten licking its maw clean before letting it scamper off. She rose with purpose and grabbed another, laying down for another bath. The kittens seemed to make their way over to her after their bath. It was only natural as she was probably the warmest thing in the cave.

Her hand rested on the backs of one of the kittens. 

I want to name them.

If you do, they will be unique to you, the pain will only grow.

They lost a brother. I can only imagine what they must feel.

It seems to me that they don’t feel loss the same way you do.

Humans are very confusing creatures. Could this be a form of punishment for yourself?

You don’t need to understand humans. It’s kinda impossible to. Not even humans understand humans. It’s like an entire field of study.

You truly are such terrifying creatures. So… Us.

You're right. You’ve always been right. Some creatures truly are irredeemable.

Something in Anne’s stomach sank. Was… was she irredeemable.

Your species is wasteful to quite horrifying lengths, despite needing to eat for survival you have many things you must condone for. Let your dedication to the wilds and its inhabitants be a testament to that.

Anne sighed. Her hand moved from the back of one kitten to another.

You do not have time to feel guilt, every emotion you feel is but a distraction. Every second your mind races on past mistakes is another second you can make a new one. Get over it or sacrifice another life.

Anne flinched, physically taken aback by the voice in her head. Granted it had been right about a lot of things. It had been right about the frog creature’s lack of hesitance to kill anything that crawled out of the forest. It had been right about her own lacking in skills vital to survival. Why would it be wrong about this? 

There were only five creatures left in this mess of a pack she had been adopted into. She would ensure nothing happened to the rest.

Anne slowly let the rest of her body onto the cold cave floor, allowing the purring to fill her ears. A few stray tears escaped her eyes as she closed them.

I’m so tired.

The day’s only just begun.

Just. Let me nap. 

Okay, just for an hour.