Archive of Our Own ^beta

The air was thick, full of smoke coming from badly snuffed cigarettes, sloppily thrown onto the ashtray. The only illumination was provided by the moonlight, the weak rays piercing the dark fog, enveloping the shape of a man, sitting in a corner, tapping rhythmically, creating the perfect illusion of a running clock.

Goncharov took a sip from his glass, he poured himself some whisky but couldn’t taste anything. The liquid was bland, he didn’t know if he was getting tipsy or if it was his body not reacting to the poison anymore. He put the cigarette he was holding into his mouth and inhaled deeply. The thick smoke filled his lungs, the bitterness overwhelming his senses, it was a welcomed sensation. He exhaled, trying to let out his worries go with the smoke, but as always, they were rooted deep within his mind. Clawing at him, making him bleed. All the anxieties that came back with Katya’s death, everything he managed to bury deep down came back full force. She wasn’t good for him, their relationship was far from perfect, he would even call it toxic but she was a pillar holding him together. A constant in his life. He still felt her name on his lips, the bruises she would leave on his neck. And now she was gone.

He should’ve been used to it by now. To the evanescence. Nothing in his life ever stayed. Even his country, his motherland, that he had to hastily leave. His friends that ended up dying because of him, because of his choices. The beautiful orange sunrises, yellow meadows, the happiness little things would bring him. He even lost his grandfather’s pocket watch that always kept him company. The soft ticking to which he grew accustomed to, the sound that he grew so fond of that reminded him of his family home.

He stopped his hand. Throwing the finished cigarette onto the ashtray and picking a new one. He missed what he could have had if life wasn’t so hard. He missed the thought of having a happy family, a beautiful wife and two children, waiting for him to come back from a normal, boring job. Being able to smile sincerely. Life without so many dangers. And fuck, why was lighting the cigarette this hard, why couldn’t he stop shaking.

“Here, let me help.”

Goncharov raised his head, surprised that someone was actually able to sneak up on him. Before him stood no other but Andrey, his good old friend, at least that’s what he hoped they were as their relationship was another thing he tried to destroy. The man didn’t wait for any reaction, any answer, he took the lighter from Goncharov’s hands and clicked it on, freeing the orange fire. He still looked angry but there was also some other emotion, something else softening the features of his face.

“Why are you here?” Goncharov asked, feeling another stab of anxiety. If Andrey wanted to have his revenge right now, he picked the perfect time. Goncharov was in no shape to fight back, he would gladly accept the blade in his heart or the bullet in his brain. He was a perfect target.

Andrey sighed, pocketing the lighter. “I guess I just cannot go on without you next to me,” He laughed pathetically, sitting down, looking Goncharov in the eyes. “I’m just stupid like that, I gave too much of myself to you for everything to just stop.”

“I betrayed you, you should be mad, you should want me dead.”

“Oh believe me, I do want you dead. I crave the feel of your throat under my hands, to watch life disappear from your eyes, but tell me, what would I do after that?” The silence fell between them, the white light from the moon dancing on their faces. They sat there, the unanswered question in the air. The unlit cigarette damp in his lips. Goncharov knew what his friend was trying to say. The taste of victory after killing someone never stayed, it transformed into something dark until you just didn’t feel a thing.

He let his head fall onto his friend’s shoulder. A temporary comfort, soon death will again say its greetings, smiling with its sharp teeth, ready to consume another important thing in his life, but for now he allowed himself to take a deep breath, close his eyes and enjoy the company of another human being.