Archive of Our Own ^beta

This was stupid. So stupid that it was far more likely that Leonardo would do something like this, not Donnie. Yet here he was, battle shell on and a bag slung over his shoulder as he snuck through the lair in the middle of the night like some common criminal.

If Splinter, much less his brothers , found out what he was up to, he'd probably be grounded for a year, if not life. Not that that would stop him from leaving the lair anyways...

He was nearly out now; He just had to sneak past his brothers' subway cars a.k.a. rooms. Slipping past Mikey's room was easy; the box turtle was a heavy sleeper, especially after the Krang event. In fact, he had been sleeping longer than usual these days. Draxum had said something about recovering from the strain of using his mystic abilities, that it had drained Mikey a lot to use them. Either way, it meant he could easily walk past his youngest brother's room without worry.

Even though Raphael was no longer leader, he still had his role as the eldest brother. He liked to check up on them randomly during the day and sometimes the night to make sure they were okay. That, combined with the snapper's recent night terrors, may make it difficult to sneak past. Though as Donnie snuck a quick peek in his room, he couldn't help but sigh silently in relief to see the oldest sleeping soundly. Good, he needed the sleep. He was extra careful sneaking past, not wanting to wake the snapper from his much needed rest.

Leo's room was probably the hardest to sneak past. The slider was cursed with insomnia, much like himself, which meant that he wasn't very predictable with his sleeping habits, and that had only been made worse after getting him back from the prison dimension. Then there was that whole 'twin sense' Leo claimed to have, and as much as Donnie would like to dismiss it, the other always seemed to know what his emotional, mental, and sometimes even physical state was before the others did, and vice versa.

As he drew closer, he couldn't see any light coming from the subway car. Given how unreliable this was in the past, he crouched down and carefully snuck under the windows, pausing any time he thought he heard a noise before resuming. It was far too slow of a process, but it paid off when he was far enough away from Leo's space to stand back up; potential crisis averted. As much as he loved his brothers (No, he wouldn't admit it out loud to anyone ), he wanted to be alone for this.

The rest was all child's play, and soon he was pushing aside a manhole cover in an alleyway to reveal the city that never sleeps. Even if it was after midnight, the streets and buildings were still lit up as if it were day. The manhole cover was carefully replaced before he grabbed onto the ladder on one of the buildings and started his long trek. While the climb wasn't long, the journey to his desired spot would be. He had found the best place to be truly alone would be an old apartment building, one still undergoing renovations, meaning that no one would be there at night, and if someone was there tonight, the rooftop door was already locked both with the lock already installed and one of his own design.

Once he was on the rooftops, he took a deep breath before turning and running to jump to the next one and the one after that and so on. When the gaps started becoming too large to jump, his battle shell opened and he flew the rest of the way. 

No matter how many times he did it, it was always exhilarating to jump and fly across the rooftops of New York City. He and his brothers would challenge each other to jump across increasingly larger and larger gaps, seeing who could jump the furthest. While he wasn't the strongest of his brothers(that honor went to Raph), he was one of the fastest, nearly tied with Leo in terms of raw speed. And while they were both the fastest, Donnie was the most flexible, able to not only squeeze into spaces his brothers couldn't but also bend in ways they couldn't due to their hard shells. The thought of all their little competitions brought a small smile to his face as he landed at his destination. Maybe they could start those again now that they all had recovered physically.

With a press of a button, two speakers unfolded from inside his shell and were set down on the ground in front of him. Once they were settled, he pressed play on his number 1 playlist, keeping the volume low so he could have it as background noise for now. He took a seat near the speakers, pulling the bag into his lap and opening it up. Inside was a bottle of juice, one of his favorite plastic cups, two bottles of water, and a small bottle of clear liquid. Nothing too odd until one looked at the label of the small bottle: Vodka. The bottle seemed heavier than the rest when he pulled it out, setting it next to the other bottle and cup.

This is why he wanted to be alone, out of the lair and far from his dad and brothers. If they knew what he was doing, they'd never let him out of their sight again. They wouldn't understand; he needed something to take away from all the stress and anxiety from throwing himself back into creating new, better defenses for the lair, into taking care of Leo while he was hurt, into putting on a brave face and trying to not let it crack under the pressure. Then there were the lingering effects from connecting with the Technodrome, including horrible phantom sensations on his carapace and back of his neck. 

Donnie had tried all sorts of things to help with the mounting pressure and imminent meltdown that he had been pushing off to the best of his ability for months . Cigarettes were disgusting and he just couldn't choke it down without feeling like he was going to vomit. Weed hadn't been much better, despite his high hopes for it; all it took was one bad trip and he was turned off to the idea of trying it ever again. So that left him with alcohol, not his first choice due to its side effects and potential damage to the liver, but it may help. Honestly, he had tried beer once and the taste was enough to keep him far away from it, but then he had found one of those little sample bottles in the dumpster. It had been a lucky find, one with its seal still intact, probably from the liquor store dumping it when no one bought it. Sure, it hadn't tasted much better than beer, but after some more searching, he realized he could mix this with other things to mask the burn. He was willing to give it a shot.

So here he was, going over his mental instructions from research as he mixed the juice and alcohol together in hopes this wouldn't go as poorly as he thought. He stared at his reflection in the cup for a few moments, working up the courage before taking a small sip from it. It... actually wasn't that bad. Sure, there was a slight burn, but it wasn't uncomfortable and the juice helped hide the horrible taste. With a grin, he changed his music to one of his dance playlists and turned up the volume. He had a feeling this was going to work out.

Donnie had never felt so light in his life. After finishing off his first cup, it felt like a metaphorical weight had been lifted off his shoulders. His body felt floaty and tingly, though it was harder to coordinate his limbs like he normally would. Yet it was so much easier to lose himself to his music, everything else almost fading to nothing in the background as he danced. And when he stopped to either drink more or take a sip of water, he could just as easily get lost in the lights of New York, particularly the cars driving by down below. More than once he had to forcibly pull his eyes away so he could focus on something else.

It was so strange, his once bursting-at-the-seams mind was finally quiet, thoughts too sluggish to keep up with anything faster than the lyrics of his music. He would’ve thought he’d be more concerned with losing control like this, but… it was nice. It was nice to be able to just focus on the present and what was in it. He almost wished his brothers were here before he remembered that they weren’t supposed to know about this. It was a loop he was stuck in: wanting to text his brothers, remembering they weren’t supposed to know, go back to his dancing, repeat.

His phone buzzed in his pocket twice, signaling he had gotten a text. It took a moment to process it and then another few moments to actually get his phone out. His clock told him it was about 2 in the morning now, which meant he had been out here for nearly an hour. It hadn't felt like an hour though, if anything, it felt like only a few minutes. Was his perception of time that screwed up right now? He knew alcohol was a depressant, but he hadn't thought it'd be this much of one. Buzzing in his hand brought his attention back to his phone, unlocking it to see who had texted him. 

Leo.

Okay, that wasn't so bad, he could handle his twin… Maybe. He just needed to focus, focus on reading those texts right and replying without raising any suspicion. He could do that... Probably. His swimming vision might make that a bit difficult, but he still managed to read what his brother sent after looking over it a few times.

Leo:

Hey hermano where are you? 

Didn't see you in your lab or room buddy.

All he could do was just stare at the text messages, brain at a standstill as he tried to figure out what to say. Part of him, the sane part, was reminding him that his brothers weren’t supposed to know anything about this outing, but another part, the drunk part, practically begged him to ask Leo to come out and hang out with him. The little war must’ve gone on longer than he thought because soon enough he got another text from his twin.

Leo:

Donnie? You there?

Shit, he should say something, anything at this point-

Donnie:

I’m here

Was just distracted by something

Leo:

Geez, don’t worry me like that bro

Where are you? You still at home?

Donnie:

I left to get some fresh air

Leo:

/YOU/ left to get fresh air? Willingly??

Who are you and what have you done with my brother?

Donnie:

Haha

Very funny Nardo

Leo: 

I know I’m hilarious

Want your favorite brother to come hang out with you?

Donnie:

Who? Mikey? /j

Leo:

Damn, I’m hurt /j

You’ve wounded me

That was actually a good question though. His two halves were still at war a bit, but he really didn’t want to be alone. It would be more fun to have one of his brothers here, especially Leo. Sure, he didn’t say it often, but he did enjoy having his twin around most of the time… Maybe he should tell him that more often.

Donnie:

You know what

Sure I could use the company

I’ll send you the address of the building I’m on

Leo:

Aw I knew you loved me

I’ll be there soon

It took a few minutes for him to remember the address and send it Leo’s way, deciding to just live with the consequences of his actions. If anything, his twin might keep his secret from the others. It’s not like he had drank before tonight, well, drank enough to actually get drunk . Most of his past experiences had been little sips here and there because he was curious about the taste and why humans were so enamored by it. Granted, maybe he should have listened to Splinter when he said to avoid it, but he was a man of science; he had to test things out for himself and all that.

He could feel his attention slipping again, and soon enough, he was picking up his cup in order to finish off the little he had left of his second cup. Leo’s portals were still a bit hit or miss when he was tired, so there was a chance he would have a few minutes before his brother showed up. Due to that, Donnie sat down and leaned back against the raised edge of the roof, closing his eyes to enjoy the music without any thoughts bothering him. He wasn’t even sure what was playing, just that it was scratching his brain in the best way right now.

A few songs played before the sound of a portal caught his attention, legs scrambling to get him upright as he watched Leo step through. He couldn’t stop his hands from flapping in excitement, and although it wasn’t as fast as it usually was, they quickly picked up speed as he watched his twin look at the speakers in surprise.

“Whoa, you out here having a party without me, Dee? You know how much I love parties, even the one-man ones!”

Leo bobbed his head to the song, his swords disappearing as he made his way over to Donnie. It was a bit funny to watch, the slider doing something between a dance and walk. Then again, they both could agree that Lady Gaga was hard to not dance to, especially since Just Dance had just started playing.

Donnie met him halfway and held out his hand for his twin to take, not noticing the surprised look on the slider’s face before he felt the other grab his hand. He sang along with the song as he pulled his twin to dance with him, happy to have someone to enjoy the music with. They danced together, laughing and singing along with the songs. The two of them ended up dancing to a few songs before Donnie felt like he needed to sit down for a bit. Dancing by himself was one thing, but dancing with someone else was so much more; he hadn’t felt so worn out tonight until now. Still holding Leo’s hands, he nearly collapsed when he tried to sit down, but thankfully his brother managed to catch him and helped him sit down.

“I don’t think I’ve heard you laugh so loud, Dee!” Leo laughed as he sat down next to Donnie, both catching their breath now. “You know, if you wanted to get away for a bit, we could’ve planned something. Not that I’m complaining; this little party is pretty fun.”

He couldn't help but chuckle as his leg bounced to the beat of the music, split between wanting to focus on the song and his twin. “I just… Uhhhh, I wanted to listen to my music and just, um, stop worrying about everything for a bit.” Oh god, he could hear his voice slur and stutter as he spoke, a nervous smile on his face in hopes that Leonardo hadn’t noticed. For some reason, it seemed like his mouth was moving so much faster than his brain could spit out words. “Everyone was asleep, and I uh, I didn’t want to wake them up, so I came out here instead of staying in my room.”

The smile of Leo’s face faltered a bit at his stuttering, concern slowly morphing his smile the more Donnie spoke. Not that the soft shell noticed; all he really saw was the smile still on his brother’s face, even if it was a bit smaller than before.

“Hey Donnie, you alright? You look kinda out of it… When was the last time you slept? And I mean a real sleep, not just a nap.”

That… was a great question. When had he last slept properly? If it was hard to focus on anything happening right now, trying to remember something specific was even more difficult. His sense of time was practically gone, leaving him struggling to figure out if it had been last night that he had slept or if it had been longer than that. Last night… No, it had to have been the night before, right?

He must’ve taken too long to answer because Leo’s smile was gone, the concern now plain on his face. Oh no, he screwed up. He should’ve been faster, now his twin was onto him. Quick, say something-

“I think it was… Think it was two nights ago…” He paused, rubbing his chin in thought, “Yeah, because I was working on my battle shell and I fell asleep at my desk.”

That didn’t seem to make Leonardo happy, given his expression only seemed to be more and more concerned over time. The slider leaned forward and closer to Donnie, the latter leaning away as the former shifted closer. It seemed like he was looking for something, and it seemed like he found something he didn’t want to find if the worry and anger on his face was anything to go by.

“Donatello… Are you drunk?”

The soft shell couldn’t hide his flinch at such a direct question. How did he know? Did he catch a whiff of his breath, was it the way he stuttered through his speech, or maybe it was the way he kept leaning to the side or backwards before catching himself? This was bad, he knew he shouldn’t have asked Leo to come here. He was going to be found out and then he was going to have someone looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life. Someone looking not just at his soft shell, but also at everything he drank in the future.

“What? Gasp! No, of course not! Why would you think that?” Donnie couldn’t help it, he snapped at his twin out of fear for the future and out of anger for even accusing such a thing. He was beginning to spiral, he needed to get out of this situation as fast as possible-

“Because of your eyes. They’re not looking straight at me, they’re shaking side-to-side. That only really happens if someone is drunk.”

His eyes? His eyes gave him away? In all his research, he hadn’t seen anything about it causing nystagmus or the involuntary, fast movement of the eyes. He couldn’t believe it. It was all over. He was going to be stuck at the lair, never able to leave by himself again. None of them were going to trust him again. They wouldn’t rely on him and his tech ever again because how could they ever trust someone that would hide away and drink the night away? They’d wonder how often he did it, and they probably wouldn’t believe him if he said this was the first time, the only time.

Tears gathered in his eyes against his will, and he did his best to keep them from falling, but his rapidly declining emotional state soon had them running down his face. He barely noticed as his twin’s face fell, too absorbed in trying not to let his breath hitch or his shoulders shake from barely restrained sobs. He really was just a burden on his family, wasn’t he? 

“Whoa, hey, you’re ok-” A hand gently touched his shoulder and when he didn’t pull away or push it off, he was quickly pulled into a tight hug. “You’re okay, Dee, I got you.”

That was all it took for him to let go, sobbing as he clung to his twin as tight as he could, afraid that this moment might disappear if he didn’t. He was grateful that Leo didn’t say anything as he cried, just keeping a consistent, firm pressure with the hug. After a moment, he felt Leo start rocking side to side, probably to help calm him down and as much as he didn’t want to admit it, it was helping. He was sure that if his battle shell was off, he’d be able to feel his brother’s fingers making nonsensical patterns on his shell. 

It felt like hours until his crying subsided, leaving him exhausted and numb. Or maybe that was the alcohol still in his system. Who knew? Donnie pressed his nose against Leo’s shoulder, not wanting to move just yet. This moment was quiet and it wasn’t often that he was okay with touch like this; he wanted to savor it for a bit. 

Then his dumb dumb brother had to open his mouth.

“… Hey Donnie, I know you probably don’t want to, but… Can we talk about this? Please?”

Leonardo was right, he didn’t want to talk right now. Not as a non-verbal thing, but more of a ‘let’s never speak of this again’ sort of thing. He just wanted to forget this ever happened, go home, and hide away in his lab for a few days. But his twin was stubborn, and he knew that even if they went home and acted like nothing happened, he’d never escape the inevitable ‘talk’ Leo wanted to have. He tightened his grip on him when he felt him try to lean back from their hug.

“… What is there to talk about? I left the lair, went out and got drunk, and then you dropped by and found out. There’s not much else to discuss.”

He closed his eyes as he both heard and felt Leo’s sigh, not wanting to see the disappointment on his face. Anything but that.

“Dee, we need to talk about this, ‘cause if we don’t, then I have to bring Raph and dad into this and I know you wouldn’t want that.”

“… Fine, we can talk about it, but… I want to stay like this…”

“That’s fine, we can talk like this…” There was a pause, one heavy with dozens of unasked questions that he knew the other had on the tip of his tongue. “Why are you out here drinking?”

“… Sigh. I just… I wanted to turn off my thoughts, relax, and forget things for a while. Everything was, um, it was becoming too much, and I looked into stuff that could help.” He shook his head, closing his eyes tighter until they hurt before opening them to stare blankly at the building across from him. “Nothing was working, so I tried alcohol. Last resort kind of thing and it worked. By Newton, it worked… For once, my brain is quiet and isn’t focused on the past or future; it’s only focused on the present…”

“Why didn’t you come to any of us? Let us know what was going on?”

“Because you wouldn’t understand!” Donnie pushed against Leo’s shoulders so he could look the other in the eyes, breath hitching, “I have memories that aren’t mine, knowledge and information that couldn’t come from anything on Earth! Leo, I- I was connected to the Krang’s ship and it showed me everything . All the planets they’ve been to, all the species they’ve Krangified, all their knowledge, everything! And the worst part is… For just a moment, I understood why they did what they did and I didn’t see anything wrong with it…

“Then I was pulled out of it and I was horrified that even for a split second, I thought they were right in their actions…”

This was something he hadn’t told anyone, keeping it locked inside him for fear of what his family would say if they knew. He had no idea if it was the Technodrome influencing him when they connected or if, deep down, he really did agree with the Krang, and not knowing was killing him. Not to mention the other things the Technodrome had done to him while they were connected, some mental and some physical. He had spent so much time hiding his sharpened teeth, the slightly more yellow of his eyes, the scars from being forcibly removed from the ship, all of it, just so his brothers wouldn’t look at him like he was another one of the Krang.

“Leo, I-“ An actual sigh escaped him as he let his arms relax, all his energy suddenly leaving, “I was scared . Scared that if I told any of you about this, showed any of you what it did to my mind, my body, , that you’d all look at me like I was crazy, like I needed to be locked up like the Krang are… I couldn’t risk that so I just… Just kept it inside, hid any evidence of it, and hoped it would never come to that... What good that did…”

All that time lying awake in bed over this fear, all that effort to keep it a secret, all of it was gone up like smoke all because he couldn’t keep his big mouth shut. Ironic considering it was usually Leo who couldn’t do that; Maybe there was some merit to that whole ‘twin’ thing after all.

“Donnie… When Mikey said he was worried about you, I didn’t think it would be anything like this…”

Mikey had been worried about him? The box turtle had never expressed that to him, at least not explicitly. Maybe that was why Mikey had been spending more time in his lab with him, spending more time trying to get him out of his lab. He had been worrying not only his twin, but also his youngest brother…

“Look, it… It doesn’t matter what you saw or heard or thought when you were in there, you’re still our brother, Dee. No matter what happens or what you look like, you’ll always be our brother. We know you still have a good heart, even if you did sympathize with the Krang for a second or two,” The way he said that, with such a sad face as if he couldn’t believe Donnie would think like that, it nearly made him tear up again, “I promise. You’ve been taking care of us for so long, so let us take care of you for once, ok?”

“I…” Leonardo was right; he had been sacrificing sleep, food, everything in order to create things to make his brothers’ lives easier after the Krang. While his brothers were getting better day by day, he was deteriorating as he practically gave himself up for their needs, “Sigh, I hate it when you’re right. No, don’t smile, I don’t want to see your ego boost in real time.”

That, thankfully, got a chuckle from the slider, exactly the reaction he was hoping for. Sure, Leo called himself ‘the face man’ of the group and he was always cracking jokes and puns to lighten the mood, but that didn’t mean Donnie himself couldn’t do the same. Besides, he had had enough of dealing with his emotions for one night.

He shifted so they were sitting next to each other, the silence comfortable as they listened to the music play softly in the background. Eventually, the last song played and the only sounds were the cars down below and the occasional human yelling something unintelligible. 

“Hey Dee?”

“Yes Nardo?”

“Promise you’ll come to one of us if things start becoming too much. I mean, I’m always down for another ‘forget my troubles’ dance party, but I’d like it to be a sober one.”

“… Sure, I promise. If! You promise to talk to someone about your nightmares, and yes, I do know about them, you can’t fool me.”

“Ughhh, fine!” It was funny to watch his brother flop down on the ground like a child that had gotten caught with his hand in a cookie jar, groaning as loud as he could. “Guess I can do that if it gets you to take care of yourself…”

“Thank you, I’m sure dearest Raph will be happy with both of us after tonight. Just… don’t tell him, or any of the others, about my drinking… Raph is already going to have more than enough reasons to mother hen me, and I don’t want to add that to the list.”

Leo smiled as he sat up, leaning back against his hands. “‘Course little bro. You already promised not to do it again, so I’ll keep the secret, but only for this one time. If I catch you doing it again, then I’m telling Raph.”

“Noted.”

He watched as the slider got to his feet and moved to investigate the bag left to the side. After a moment, he started gathering things and putting them in the bag, slinging it over his shoulder once finished. Then he walked over to the speakers, picking one up to stack on the other. For a moment, he thought Leo was going to stop there, but no, he watched as the other proceeded to try to pick up both.

“Wha- Stop! Put those down before you break them!” Donnie frantically tried to get up to save his tech, only to be stuck scrambling for a moment as his legs wouldn’t listen to him. When his legs wouldn’t listen, he clicked a button on his gauntlet, two arms reaching out to grab the stereos from his brother and collapse them back into his battle shell. His brother didn’t seem too surprised by this, just standing there with a smile on his face. “Why’re you touching my stuff?”

“Figured it was time we headed back home,” He walked over and held out his hand for him,  “As much as I’d love to stay out here all night with my favorite twin, it’s getting cold and I think some sleep would do you some good.”

Donnie looked at his hand for a moment before taking, letting his twin pull him to his surprisingly unsteady feet. Why was it so hard to stand now? He hadn’t had any problems earlier, but now, this must be what fawns felt like when they first learned how to walk. He had to rely on Leo in order to stand, leaning heavily on him when the portal was opened before them. Thankfully his brother kept silent as he led them through the swirling blue vortex and back into the lair.

It was warmer down here, especially after the portal disappeared behind them. By the looks of it, they had stepped out just outside of Leo’s room. Now that they were home and out of the cold, he could feel just how exhausted he was; he felt like he could sleep for a few days, if not an entire week. Not only that, but his vision was starting to swim more than it had before. 

He allowed his twin to lead him into his room and help him sit down on the bed, eyes closing for a moment as he struggled to stay upright when a sudden rush of vertigo hit him. Even if he hadn’t already promised not to drink again, this experience would probably be enough to deter him from doing it in the future. A soft ‘hiss’ and a weight coming off his shoulders signaled his battle shell being removed, and a metal ‘thud’ told him it was probably on the floor now. He hummed his appreciation when his goggles were taken off and placed somewhere nearby. Then it was his elbow and knee guards, though those took a bit more work since his arms and legs weren’t really cooperating with him at the moment but thankfully it got done, his wrist gauntlet soon following.

“Alright Sleepytello, go ahead and lay down. I’m just gonna grab some stuff for morning you, who I’m sure will be forever grateful to his twin for having the foresight to grab it!”

Donnie didn’t need to open his eyes to know Leo probably had some goofy, smug look on his face, and he didn’t do so, choosing to just grunt an acknowledgement, lie down and get comfortable. Though he did mumble a ‘thank you’ when the blankets, weighted blanket included, were pulled up and over him, arms wrapping around the pillow so he could bury his face in it. He could hear Leo’s footsteps retreat as he left the room.

As much as he wanted to fall asleep fast, it seemed like his body had other plans. The vertigo from earlier was back with a vengeance; even with his eyes closed, it felt like he wasn’t quite lying down, like he was floating away and he kept having to open his eyes to remind himself that he was secure. This cycle repeated a few times until he heard low talking outside the room, one eye opening to see the vague outline of what looked like Leo and another that had to be Raph; it was too large to be anyone else. They seemed to talk for a while before the larger outline left and Leo returned to the room with a glass of water and bottle of painkillers.

“You still awake? I thought for sure that you’d be asleep by the time I came back. Here, scoot over a bit.”

Donnie grumbled as he scooted in order to make room for his brother, unhappy to be moving again.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, but don’t worry. I’m not moving again after this, and you won't have to either. Get some sleep, Donnie.”

“Mmph, fine… Night Leo…”

He let his eyes close, humming in appreciation when he felt Leo rub circles on his carapace after a few moments. It seemed like his twin had figured out why he hadn’t been asleep just yet. The feeling was enough to keep him feeling grounded, and soon enough, he could feel himself slip into blissful sleep. Maybe he could have a dreamless sleep this time around, something peaceful after such an event night.

And if he woke up with a killer hangover the next morning, well, that would be a problem for tomorrow…