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Shinichi doesn't believe he'd go into heaven, coz he doesn't believe it exists, he doesn't believe in supernatural stuff like that. And then everything changes, he experiences a miracle, dies and then comes back to life- well almost dies. And his whole life is shaken, turned upside down.
But Shinichi still doesn't believe he will end up in heaven, it's not a place for him, it's not somewhere he is going to end up. He has let people die, even driven some to death and failed those who had trusted and chosen him.
You can not bring back the dead, you can not undo some sins. He doesn't believe he could ever forgive himself, even if she does forgive him. The reminder that he has killed people stands in front of him all the time, in the form of strawberry blond locks of hair and emerald eyes looking deep into his soul, into his sin-shrouded soul. Her wailing tugs at the threads of his brain, his neurons screaming he's a hypocrite of a justice pursuer, of how he has let himself go so long unpunished. He tries to self sabotage himself with the heretical thought that this (him being stuck in his shrunken form) is his punishment, but sometimes he finds himself asking if it will ever be enough.
He is receiving punishment but he also receiving far too much love than he deserves. It is all too warm when she sits beside him in the front seat of the Beetle when it is full with passengers. It is too much of a gift bestowed when she understands what he's trying to say without him uttering a word. And all people who say she is in love with him or at least fancies him have to be delusional- or else that would be too unfair. Why would she be in love with someone who watched her sister go down the hallway of death and didn't do anything about it? She deserves better, better than he could ever offer. She needed stability and Shinichi Kudo was anything but that. His life involved far too much action and drama than she should be subjected to.
She deserved a peaceful life, somewhere in the meadows. A city boy like him with constant spotlight could never be her dream. But whenever he found her humming to a new song released, he couldn't help wondering which song it is. And he found his whole heart melting, light entering it again whenever she called him, "Kudo-kun" (a phrase he seldom heard these days), with her softest voice. He wishes it was poison when she peels and hands him a piece of the sweetest mandarin orange that she had handpicked at the farmer's market.
"Even the black organisation wasn't as obsessed with tailing me as all your fans online were about having updates on your life." She once had exclaimed after looking through a fanpage of his and found that before shrinking, he had been constantly stalked and random posts about his daily life were being uploaded on the internet. That was the life he lead, one of intense scrutiny-the kind all glamorous high end ones came with. He wanted to keep her away from all of it and that's why he could only let her take a glimpse into it. Blinding lights that came with jealousy and other ills the rich subject themselves and others to wasn't what she was seeking, he told himself.
There were things beyond the montage of postcards, picture perfect holidays, and peppermint candy. Popularity came with a price. And he didn't want her to pay that to stay in his life. Still he found himself using even the slightest of excuses to cling on to her, sometimes as her friend, sometimes as her bodyguard. But what he couldn't fess up was how much he needed her around. Of how bleak his life felt whenever they have an argument and she's angry at him- albeit an anger that only and barely lasts for 30 seconds but God, do those thirty seconds feel like an eternity to him.
He was sunshine, she was midnight rain. Falling peacefully and calmly.
And so now he has no other choice but to think back on if the mushroom he ate for lunch was a hallucination inducing one- coz this can't be happening. Queens didn't fall for stuck up underdogs when they had the most altruistic celebrities and not to mention Japan's coolest spy as well in the palm of their hands.
When he blinks in disbelief, the girl in front of him repeats her confession.
"Haibara- I. But why? Why me?" He manages to stutter some incoherent half sentences that vividly showed how lost he was.
"Why not? And....I can not give a reason as to why I'm in love with you. It is like trying to describe the taste of water and why you like it. The person you're in love with is like how water tastes at home. I'm not a particularly religious person Kudo-kun, but sometimes I think God made you for me. Of course you are free to clarify if those are my delusions-" And she continued bashfully, "-coz frankly I have never been in love before so truthfully I have no other experience to compare it to."
"Haibara, isn't a romantic soulmate supposed to be your one and only? So how can we compare our experience with them with any other? There isn't supposed to be anything else like it, right." He assured her. Her feelings were valid and true.
She replied softly in understanding, "So why are you so hesitant....on giving us a chance? Clearly I can see you have entertained the idea. So...what made you...not consider yourself to be in the position of my lover?"
"I don't think I can ever forgive myself for Akemi-san's death. It was unfair and I- feel responsible, no I was responsible." But Shinichi realised that even this confession of truth might have hurt her. Akemi was probably the last thing she wanted as an obstacle in her lovelife, as a source of hurdle.
"Shinichi.....you never told me-" She said as she moved forward to hug him. God knows how much he needed that hug. Caressing his back, she continued speaking. "Idiot, I am sorry, it was never your fault. And infact I'm actually glad that it was you and Mouri san who were the ones with her in her final moments. She had someone she could trust in so much and well enough to confide in about some of her biggest, most well kept secrets. Thank you for being there with her, Shinichi. Thank you for doing everything you could have. It means a lot to me that the last face she saw was yours, and not Gin's or the ceiling of some torture cell of the organisation's. I think you did make her departure easy. And....and she trusted you enough to leave her most precious and prized gift in your care. Acknowledge that Shinichi. Acknowledge the light and strength she saw in you. It was all true, she wasn't wrong and you have proven her decision right every single day- no, every single moment since I met you. I know you might be not ready and you're like so allowed to think over it and give an answer when you're ready. But if that was what you were worried about, then you have nothing to worry and nothing to beat yourself up for. Forgive yourself Shinichi and honestly as I have said, you never had something to apologise or make up for anyway. Umm maybe for a few things you did to annoy me after you met me but none for that day.You never did." She said while wiping his tears with her fingers. She never knew the seemingly ever so confident detective had insecurities of his own that made him view himself as if he was a monster on the hill. And she wished (now that she had let him know that it wasn't his fault), he could now finally start to battle those inner demons that reared their ugly heads trying to destroy the inner peace and happiness of the boy she held dearest.
Who knows how many explosions are going on in the core of the sun that shines brightly during the day?
Maybe if the sunspots receive a shower of rainfall, a beautiful sapling can grow therewithin.
"I will wait. I can wait an eternity for your answer, Shinichi. I'm not demanding one today or even one that's in affirmative, any other day. Just, make sure that the conclusion you reach and the decision you make is yours and entirely yours. I agree that we shouldn't make big decisions in moments of weakness even if we might have been forced to do so in some circumstances of our life."
"Thank you Shiho. It means everything....you are everything." He smiled towards her. He feels he must be looking awful with tears all over his puffy face and a crooked smile but he could see the way she looked at him, and he could swear her face was a scarlet 10 shades deeper than it usually is when he is in close proximity to her and God, did she look at him like he's the milky way itself, her gaze full of admiration and happiness and awe.
"Now that's more like you." Shiho nodded as her sun seemed to be back in full radiance and she hoped she could one day see it in its full glory, just like the day she saw him first.
Maybe heaven is a place on earth with you. His mind received an epiphany.
"Maybe heaven is a place on earth with you. Maybe God isn't angry with me and a proof of that is that He had already gifted me you, even before I can enter heaven, even before death can come to deliver me its gifts. And I hope, I can join you there once I reach coz I have no doubt that you would already be there in the choir of angels."
He took a deep breath and continued, "You know, never has been a fictional character been so right as the hero's mum in Mansfield Park when she said, 'a wife is heaven's last best gift'. And when Jaun Elia, the poet said, 'the tale's about to end, (and) you're my last love' he was speaking about you on my behalf."
Shiho was amazed at the strength of the human ribcage, at how it was the strongest prison on earth, coz her heart truly was threatening to jump out of her body right now with the way that it was beating erratically and it was purely due to the amazing anatomical design that her heart was unable to achieve this feat it so desired. But she could feel it going crazy all over the limited space, as if her heart had a mind of its own and maybe hearts did have that; the ICNS(intrinsic cardiac nervous system) is a popular topic of research afterall, isn't it?
Dear Lord, when I get to Heaven
Please let me bring my man
When he comes, tell me that you'll let him in Father, tell me if you can
All that grace, all that body
All that face makes me wanna party
He's my sun, he makes me shine like diamonds
"Indeed we are like angels sent in each others lives but Shinichi, I have never been sent as a Raguel to you and you should also know that I have always felt that you have been my sent as a Michael to me as well."
She was going to free him from the jail she had unintentionally put him in so he could in return stop putting himself through hell, all in the name of some punishment he felt like he deserved all along when he couldn't be more wrong. Heaven was a new place for her and it just took her some time adjusting to it. And she was going to let him know how that was the case, and not whatever she had said to him in the heat of the moment on the day that she had talked to him for the first time ever. First impressions are wrong and he should know that his 1st impression of her was utterly far from the truth. She doesn't resent him and there wasn't a clearer evidence of that than the kiss she had just placed on his forehead.
(a/n : Archangel Michael is the angel of protection.He is known as the giver of rain, which waters the land and helps to provide food for people. He is believed to guard places of worship and reward people's good deeds. As the Angel of Mercy, he asks Allah to forgive people's sins.
Raguel's function is to take vengeance on the world of the luminaries who have transgressed God's laws.Raguel is also linked to the "sixth angel" who releases other angels to punish unrepentant sinners.Raguel is almost always referred to as the archangel of justice, fairness, harmony, vengeance, and redemption.)