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Chapter Text

Shows Will Live... Shows May or May Not Die... And the Television Multiverse Will Never Be the Same...!

It's the epic crossover you didn't know you needed!

Give me your thoughts, I want to see what you think.
This prologue is more of a query for you all to tell me if you think I should do it.

Chapter Text

Amidst the black, eternal expanse of space, the planet Earth resembled a small marble of blue and green and white swirls, the Moon nothing more than a microscopic speck of gray. The lone figure stood on the bridge of his flagship, gazing malevolently at the sight. "Soon... Soon, the planet Earth and all those detestable little primates will be mine. All of them...!"
"Sir? Why are all of the lights on the bridge out?"
The lights burst on, causing the figure to jump back into what little shadows remained in fright. "Gah! Damn it, Kilroy, warn me before you're going to do that!"
A small, petite blonde woman, dressed in a simple gray jumpsuit with glasses, entered the bridge and bowed her head in apology. "I'm sorry, sir," she said, before raising an eyebrow quizzically. "Sir? Were you evilly monologuing in the dark again, sir?"
"Of course I was, you nincompoop. I always do this before an invasion, you know that."
"Naturally, sir." Kilroy paused briefly. "I have been meaning to ask you, sir, why did you pick such a small town for the initial landing? Why not one of the larger Earth cities, like New York or Los Angeles? Or Miami?" She added, a small tinge of hope in her voice, a longing for the sand and surf of which she had heard so much.
"No!" The figure boomed forcefully. "We descend upon Rutherford, Ohio, as planned," he smiled wickedly, rubbing his hands together. "You see, Kilroy, I have...unfinished business there."
"Yes, you might have mentioned that before, sir," Kilroy muttered, hiding a grimace behind a false smile.
"An old enemy...to destroy!"
"Sir, you're starting to go into one of your...ahem, your moods again, sir."
"Ah, thank you, Kilroy. Are the troops in position then?"
"Yes, sir, ready and waiting for your orders, Your...Most Magnificent Majesty," Kilroy said hestitantly, wincing at the use of her boss's outlandish title.
"Good, good. Now revenge shall be mine!"
"Yes, sir," Kilroy said tiredly, watching as her boss finally inched out of the shadows, revealing a tall, middle-aged man, balding with white hair, preening like a peacock in a garish, black and gray militaristic uniform.
"Kilroy, who do you think looks better in this measly human body? Me or that wimpy little toad Dick Solomon?"
Well, that George Clooney from that one television show you made us all watch, for starters. But she wasn't going to say that. "You, sir."
The being at one point known as Evil Dick let loose a shrill, evil cackle that rang throughout the entirety of the massive warship. "Yes...YES!!!"

Chapter Text

"Dave? Oh, Dave? You in there, boss?" 

Dave Nelson flinched as he was suddenly accosted by his longtime employee, Matthew Brock, peering right at him, far too close for comfort. "Gah! Matthew! God, I thought we talked about personal boundaries." 

The two sat together in the back of a dingy little taxi cab currently making its way through the heart of Rutherford, Ohio, a sleepy hamlet compared to the maddening hustle of New York City to which they were accustomed. Dave, the News Director of the celebration NewsRadio Station WYNX, had been asked to speak at a radio conference being held at the local Pendleton University, while Matthew had readily agreed to accompany him, without asking. 

"I know," Matthew said, sitting back and pouting. "I was just worried. I've been trying to get your attention for a while. You were kind-of in your own little world there..." 

"Oh?" Dave rubbed his tired eyes. "I'm sorry, Matthew, I was just...thinking." 

"About the conference? Why? It's not like they asked you to give the keynote speech or anything, Dave, just a tiny little seminar." 

"Not that," Dave grimaced, looking out the window as their taxi passed  a large, brick and brass sign reading "PENDLETON UNIVERSITY". "Sorry, Matthew, I didn't mean to snipe." 

Matthew frowned, peering at Dave way too closely again. "You've been acting weird the last couple of months, Dave. What's up?" 

Dave sighed. "I'm fine, Matthew. Just...it's been weird, you know, getting used to not having everybody around..." 

"Oh..."" Matthew nodded in understanding. Things had most definitely been strange since Mr. James and the majority of the rest of the staff had all moved to rural New Hampshire when the lovable eccentric had retired up there. "I get it, you know, it's like I don't recognize anybody at the station anymore!" 

"Exactly!" Dave exclaimed. "It's...surreal. Like they should still be where they're supposed to be, you know?" 

"Like Lisa chewing on her pencil while reading the New York Times?" Matthew masterfully suggested, acting obviously nonchalant as he looked around at nothing. 

"Oh, God, yes," Dave moaned, before remembering who he was riding with. "Uh...Matthew." 

The younger man patted his knee sympathetically. "It's okay, Dave, I get it. You miss her most of all." 

Dave let out a heavy breath he didn't know he'd been holding. Her. Lisa. Lisa Miller, his ex-girlfriend and former coworker. Lisa, who was now living in New Hampshire while running her own newspaper. Lisa, married to the incarcerated king of the homeless winos, Lisa, the love of his life, Lisa, the one who got away. The one I let get away, he reminded himself bitterly as the taxi slowed. 

Matthew, somehow, managed to sense where his boss and friend's thoughts were wandering to, and said, "So, your cousin Roz is going to be a this conference too, huh? That's such a cool name, Roz. It makes her sound so...cool." 

"Yeah, Roz, she's pretty...interesting," Dave smirked. "We'll get to meet some of her co-workers too. One of them's a shrink." 

"Really? Like Dr. Frank?" 

Dave's smile was thin, tense. God, I hope not, he thought, remembering his one meeting with the psychiatrist who had occasionally counseled the rest of the station staff at times of great tension. "Sure, Matthew," he said, "sure." 

...

"Hey, Doc! Check it out! College girls..." Bob "Bulldog" Briscoe snickered lasciviously, striding into the lobby of the Rutherford Inn. 

Dr. Frasier Crane, the longtime host of Seattle's prime radio show, the Dr. Frasier Crane Show, gave his friend and co-worker a disapproving sneer as he followed, approaching the ornate check-in desk ahead of them. "Bulldog, please, I am still nauseous from that horrific car ride." 

"Oh, calm down, Frasier." Roz Doyle, the producer of Frasier's show, caught up with them, flicking a stray tendril of dark brown hair back over her shoulder. "We got here in one piece, didn't we?" 

"Easy for you to say, Roz, you were sandwiched between the poster child for anger management and Julia Child's younger brother," Frasier scoffed. "Speaking of whom, where did Gil go?" Gil was Gil Chesterton, the host of his own culinary talk show on KACL, the same as Frasier's and Bulldog's. 

"Eh, I think he went to go interrogate the chef here, make sure we get nothing but the best," Bulldog waved flippantly. "Hey, Roz, wasn't that cousin of your supposed to meet us here?" 

"Yeah, I don't know where he... Oh, there he is! Hey, Davey, over here!" Roz bellowed, waving excitedly back towards the main entrance, where a tall, spindly blond man in jeans and a blue button-down stood with a shorter, lithe man dressed in a smart business suit. 

Matthew snickered as he playfully nudged Dave's shoulder. "Davey?"

"Just be lucky none of us call you Matty," Dave growled as his cousin rushed forward to envelop him in a powerful hug. "Ah! Hi, Roz, it's been a while..." 

"Davey, I can honestly say that you haven't aged a single day since high school," Roz said with a cheeky grin. 

Dave tersely replied, "And you, Roz, I can honestly say hasn't changed at all, personality or otherwise." 

Before Roz could retaliate, Matthew interjected, holding out a hand stiffly. "Hi! You must be Roz. I'm Matthew Brock, Dave's favorite employee and best friend." 

Dave shook his head wearily as Roz stifled a laugh. "Nice...to meet you," she replied, shaking his hand. "Oh, here's Frasier! Frasier!" 

She grabbed a hold of the taller, brawnier man's arm and pulled him towards her roughly. "Oof!" He grunted, regaining his bearings. "Roz, good God!" 

"Frasier, this is my cousin, Dave Nelson, and his friend Matthew Brock," Roz said, beginning the introductions. "Dave, Matthew, this is my boss, Dr. Frasier Crane." 

"Wow!" That's an...interesting first name you got there!" Matthew blabbed. 

Dave lowered his head into his hand, already feeling a headache coming on. This was going to be a long weekend.

...

This is going to be a long weekend, Lisa Miller thought nervously, pinching the bridge of her nose, eyes shut tightly. "I cannot believe that I let you all talk me into this," she said to the others spread throughout Jimmy James's luxurious RV as the massive vehicle pummeled through Northern Ohio. The man himself was in the driver's seat, Lisa in the passenger seat beside him, while Beth was filing her nails at the small breakfast table, Joe Garelli rummaged through the fridge for a cold beer, and Max Louis lay sprawled lazily on the sleeper couch. 

"Oh, come on, sweetie, it'll be fun!" Mr. James said. "Everyone loves a surprise! And it'll be good to see Dave and Matthew again. God, I miss those little buggers." 

"Not as much as Lisa's missed Dave, apparently," the petite redhead commented without looking up from her nails and file. "Since she got divorced for him and all that." 

Lisa groaned. "No, Beth, I did not get divorced for Dave!" She exclaimed. "It was...annulled." 

"Because you're in love with Dave!" Joe taunted as he opened a can and took a long drink. 

"That..." Lisa paused, noting the knowing glance that Mr. James was shooting her. "That is beside the point," she relented through gritted teeth starting to speak quickly as she usually did when nervous, "and it had nothing to do with my decision to annul my ill-planned marriage to Johnny Johnson." 

Joe scoffed as he shoved Max's legs off the couch and sat. "Yeah, right!" 

"Ooh, what are we talking about?" Max yawned as he awoke, already eager for gossip. 

"Lisa getting divorced-"

"Annulled!"

"-because of her undying love for Dave," Beth finished, smiling sweetly as Lisa turned her head to glare. 

Max's face scrunched up in confusion. "I still don't get it. Why on Earth would leave a genuine Adonis like Johnny for an impish little fawn like Dave?" 

"Because no one can love Johnny more than you do, Max," Lisa sniped sarcastically. "And you don't have any idea how hard it was to be married to a man currently in prison for armed robbery! Especially when the damn prison doesn't allow conjugal visits..." 

"And..." Beth prompted deviously. When Lisa didn't take the hint, Beth continued. "And you only married him in a vain attempt to get over Dave, come on, Lisa! You were much more honest the other night when we were all drunk at McGinty's..." 

Lisa ran a hand through her long, straight chocolate-brown hair, groaning inwardly at the snippets of hazy memories from the night in question. A pitcher of margaritas, a whole bottle of vodka, Mr. James, Joe and Max fighting over the affections what was later revealed to be a replica of a worn figurehead of a ship. "You all know why I married Johnny," she remembered drawling drunkenly, "I only did it to get over Dave... That damn Dave."

"Remind me never to drink vodka again..." She vowed. 

"Honestly, Lisa, I have to say," Max stood and stomped over, leaning between the driver's and passenger's headrests. "I honestly do not see what anyone, let alone you, Lisa, could possibly see in that controlling, stiff, prudish-"

"Dave is thoughtful, sweet, funny and smart," Lisa snapped. "And I'm surprised at the way that you're talking about him, after the way he took a chance on you after Bill died. I have to say, I'm a bit disappointed in you." 

"Don't get me wrong, Lisa, I love Dave, the man's like a brother to me," Max held his hands up in surrender. "But I feel that, as Johnny's best friend, I must speak in his defense."

"You are not Johnny's best friend, dude!" Joe cackled. 

"Well, I was the best man at his wedding. What were you?" Max boasted. 

"Enough!" Lisa cried. "Max, things did not work out between Johnny and myself, they were never going to work out between us, so let it go!" Lisa growled. "Now can we all just shut up and enjoy the drive please?!" 

They all fell into an awkward silence, trying much too hard not to look at a seething Lisa. Mr. James, however, couldn't do it. "Hey, who wants to call Matthew and let him know how far out are we from Rutherford, huh?" 

Matthew, as the only other real friend they had remaining at WYNX, had been enlisted as their spy in the plans to surprise Dave at the conference for his birthday, and did so enthusiastically. Too enthusiastically, they feared. 

"I'll do it!" Beth volunteered. "Where's the cell phone?" 

Mr. James couldn't hold in his excitement. "Oh, this is going to be great! Surprising Dave for his birthday! I bet he's going to be so excited, he won't know what to say!" 

"My guess is, 'Thank God, someone else can keep an eye on Matthew for a change'," Joe chuckled. 

"No, I think he's going to say, 'Oh, thank God, Lisa's here!'" Beth snickered as she dialed Matthew's cell phone number.

Max rolled his eyes, Joe polishing off his beer as Beth waited for Matthew's phone to ring. Lisa put her head in her hands and groaned. 

Mr. James simply chortled and said, "Man, this is going to be a great weekend!" 

...

"Dick, remind me again why we are leaving our permanent residence on this planet to go and stay at a temporary one for no reason at all?" 

Dick Solomon, the High Commander of his expeditionary group to the planet Earth, turned to face his security officer right in the eye. "It's all a part of the human experience, Lieutenant," he explained, pacing around the small living room of their attic apartment in long strides. "And sometimes humans like a little bit of comfort in their lives, rest, relaxation, a break from the everyday, and if that means spending just a few nights in a fancy hotel a couple of blocks from their house then so be it!" 

"Oh, come on, Dick," Tommy Solomon, the seasoned intelligence officer masquerading as the family's rowdy teenage son, said. "Do we have to experience every single aspect of human life?!" 

"Yes!" Dick enthusiastically cried. "Oh, why can't the two of you be more like Harry? He's excited for this little excursion!" 

At that moment, Harry Solomon, considered to be the strangest personage in the entire universe, wandered into the room, wearing his trademark furry coat over a colorful red Hawaiian shirt and bright yellow shorts and sandals, his usually squinted eyes covered by a pair of large sunglasses. "I'm ready..." He declared, "for fun...in the sun." 

Sally and Tommy shared a dubious look and gave the same to Dick. "Dick, you did actually tell Harry where we're going, right?" 

"But of course! I told Harry that we are going to spend the weekend at a luxurious hotel and spoil ourselves absolutely rotten!" Dick laughed obnoxiously. 

"Dick, it's the Rutherford Inn, not the Waldorf Astoria," Tommy frowned. "I think that when we get there, Harry's going to be very, very disappointed by what we find." 

"I think we all will," Sally glowered darkly at Dick. 

"Wait, is this because Albright's staying there while they're tenting her house for termites?" Tommy realized. 

"Oh, for God's sake, Dick!" Sally cried, waving a fist angrily. 

"That fact that Dr. Albright will be staying there at the same time we will is nothing more than a total coincidence," Dick sniffed snobbily. "Nothing more." 

"Yeah, right!" The other three scoffed in unison. 

Dick harrumphed and retreated to his bedroom, his head held high despite the scorn. 

Chapter Text

"Oh, I must say, this is the very last straw!" Gil Chesterton exclaimed in a huff, throwing down his napkin. "I simply must talk to that chef again!" Then he stormed off, straightening the lapels of his jacket.
"Oh, Lord," Frasier chuckled, sitting back in his chair, enjoying the remnants of his steak dinner, unlike Gil. "I do not envy that poor, poor man."
"Is he always like this?" Dave laughed.
"Oh, you have no idea," Roz rolled her eyes. "And before you say anything else, need I remind you about your friend Matthew over there?" She said, pointing to Matthew, who was kept trying to reach over Bulldog for the salt and pepper shakers.
"No, you need not. Although, I have to say, this level of nervous energy of Matthew's is unprecedented," Dave said. "I think he's planning something for my birthday."
"Uh-oh. Let me guess," Frasier heartily chuckled, "he always goes overboard, is that it?"
"Overboard and washed ashore on a deserted island," Dave said. ""Whatever it is this time, I just hope it doesn't involve glitter," he added with a shudder.
"Dude!" Bulldog barked at Matthew, who flinched away. "Back off! There is a perfectly good pair of shakers right there! Why do you want these?!"
"They're cute," Matthew replied with a slight squeal. "Little penguins, unlike these ones, which are boring old regular shakers."
"Gah! This is bogus! This is total BS!" Bulldog roared.
"Oh, God, Matthew, leave the poor man alone!" Dave sighed.
Roz laughed loudly. "Wow, he's even more of a mess than Noel Shempsky!"
"At least he's not speaking in Klingon, Roz, let's be thankful for that," advised Frasier solemnly.
"Noel, isn't that the guy with a massive crush on you, Roz?" Dave grinned knowingly.
"Ugh, yes," Roz moaned wearily. "God, the man's like a little lost puppy. And before you say anything snippy, Davey, let me remind you again about..." She jerked a thumb in Matthew's direction - the younger man was now blabbing to an utterly confounded Bulldog about his two cats back home in New York. Frasier was trying to change the subject to something Bulldog would like, much to his own chagrin.
"Speaking of massive crushes," Roz continued, giving her cousin a wry look. "Are you seeing anybody right now, Dave?"
And there it is, Dave thought. "No, not currently," Dave answered with a frosty grin. "The station and keeping Matthew in line takes up a lot of my time."
"Mmm-hmm." Roz was not convinced. "You know, Dave, I was really surprised to hear that you broke up with that Lisa girl a while back. I really thought that you guys were, you know, going to go all the way, get married. What happened there?" Her gaze was absolutely penetrating and it irked the hell out of Dave.
"I... Let's just say workplace romances never work out," Dave said, jaw clenched.
From across the table, Matthew noticed Dave's discomfort and not so discreetly checked his watch. Thirty minutes until they get here, he thought. Keep Dave distracted, got to keep him distracted. "So!" He yelped shrilly. "Since we're talking about dating... Roz, how long have you and old Frasier here been together? Five, ten years?"
Frasier spit out the glass of sherry that he had been about to swallow while Roz blushed a deep, beet red as Bulldog broke out into raucous laughter. "Those two?! Are you nuts?! BWAHAHAHAHAA!!!!"
Dave glanced over at Matthew and winked gratefully.
"What?" The spindly man asked. "What did I say?"
...
"I've got to say, Dr. Albright, this was one of the best ideas you've ever had."
Dr. Mary Albright, resident anthropologist at Pendleton University, smiled thankfully at her friend and secretary, Nina, as they walked through the lobby of the Rutherford Inn, wearing white terrycloth robes over their bathing suits.
"Oh, thank you, Nina," Mary replied, looking completely satisfied. "I just figured we girls could use a little pampering, you know, and the Rutherford Inn is, well..."
"I understand, Dr. Albright," Nina said. ""It may not be the Plaza, but at least it's nicer than some of the other places in this town..."
"Oh, yes and not to mention..." Mary chuckled wickedly. "Dr. Solomon is not here."
"Now that's something to drink to! What do you say we go change, run to the bar and trick some poor, unsuspecting rubes into paying for our drinks?" Nina suggested.
As Mary opened her mouth to reply, a deep baritone voice rang out throughout the lobby. "MARY!!!" And the petite blonde was suddenly swept up into a powerful hug, the air crushed out of her lungs. "Oh, how I've longed for this moment! How I've dreamed of holding you in my arms! Oh, Mary!"
"Oh, my God," Nina moaned aloud as she took in the sight of Dr. Dick Solomon embracing a bewildered Mary.
"Good God, Dick, let the woman breathe!" Sally bellowed as she strode confidently into the lobby, Harry following close behind as Tommy reluctantly shuffled along.
Dick rolled his eyes and released Mary, who sucked in deep breaths. "Dick!" She rasped. "How in the hell did you find me?! I didn't tell you where I was going to be this weekend!"
"Elementary, my dear Mary," Dick purred proudly. "I called every hotel and motel within a fifteen mile radius and bugged each and every manager until, finally, Michael over there gave in and told me. Thanks, Michael!"
Michael, the manager of the Rutherford Inn, meekly waved from his post behind the reception and mouthed silent apologies to Mary and Nina.
"I'm sorry, Marry, we tried to talk him out of it," Tommy said.
Nina and Mary stared back at the teenager skeptically. He simply shrugged his shoulders and said, "Not very hard, but we tried!"
Harry strutted up to the reception desk, trying his best to look as cool and confident as possible. "Reservation for Solomon, if you please... Oh, and let us know when the valet returns with our car keys. I'd like to leave him a pretty big tip for taking good care of our Rambler."
Michael stared at Harry evenly. "Sir, we don't have valet service at this hotel."
Harry froze as Sally glared furiously at him, while Tommy rolled his eyes. Dick was too busy trying to convince Mary that all of them spending the weekend at the Inn was a good idea as Nina wandered off, planning on raiding the mini-fridge in her room no matter the expensive cost.

Chapter Text

...
"Here we are, people! Rutherford, Ohio!" Mr. James declared as the RV entered city limits. "Ooh, ooh! Nice little town here, really nice..."
"I dunno, we just passed a bunch of cops arresting what appears to be... Yep, a streaker in a trenchcoat, and, oh, there it is! He's opening the coat! Yuck!" Beth squealed in disgust.
"Ah, the joys of Americana," Max grinned.
Lisa, meanwhile, fidgeted nervously, muttering under her breath as she paced to and fro.
"Lisa, ya gotta calm down, you're going to make yourself car sick," Joe said, frowning. "Actually, sit down, you're making me car sick."
"Oh, God, what do I say to him? And what will he say? Oh, God, what if he's moved on?" Lisa prattled on frantically.
Joe scoffed in disbelief. "Ha! Like Dave could ever or would ever get over you! I mean, let's be real here. Why else would he have put up such a fuss when you married Johnny in the first place?"
"Well, I did marry Johnny after only five days," Lisa murmured. "That alone could be considered as cause for concern... By the way, why did none of you try to talk me out of it? Aren't you people supposed to be my friends too?"
Joe and Beth suddenly found the floor quite interesting as Mr. James started whistling casually. Max rolled his eyes, however, and said, "You cowards! Lisa, I'll tell you straight-"
"Max, don't you dare!" Joe threatened.
"See, my guess is-!"
"Max!" Beth yelped.
"-well, it's not a guess so much as it is the actual, bonafide truth, but Johnny paid those two and Matthew fifty bucks each to not say a single negative about your little quickie wedding for fear you'd back out!"
"What?!" Lisa screeched. "How the hell did he pull that off? He was flat broke!"
"I lent him the money!" Max confessed cheerfully.
"Max!" Lisa growled. "God, is there nothing you won't do for Johnny? Seriously, maybe you should've married him."
"Well..." Max chuckled nervously, his eyes darting away. "Funny you should ask..."
"Oh, no. Max, what did you do?" Mr. James moaned.
"Nothing, nothing!" Max shrunk beneath Lisa's scrutinizing glare. "Just that... Johnny called the other day, he's out on parole, and was looking for you, so I may or may not have told him...about this...weekend...?"
Beth wisely picked Joe off of the couch by the collar of his shirt and pulled him into the bedroom at the back of the vehicle. Mr. James stared dead at the road ahead, wishing he was anywhere else in the world than driving down Main Street in Rutherford, Ohio.
Lisa stared emotionlessly at Max, her hands clenched into tight fists at her side. "Max... Do you have any idea what this region's primary source of income is?"
Max blinked dumbly in disbelief. "Uh...no?"
"It's farming, Max. This...is a city of farmers. And college students, too, but mostly farmers. And do you know what farmers primarily work with?"
"Cows?" Max guessed weakly.
"Corn fields." Lisa then smirked coldly, deviously as she leaned in close to a sweating, terrified Max. "Lots and lots of corn fields where it would be very, very easy to hide a body these days, Max. Very. Easy," she added with a low hiss before jumping to her feet and pacing over to the fridge, where she grabbed a cold can of beer, opened it, and then downed its contents in one gulp.
"Uh-oh," Mr. James shook his head tiredly. "Uh-oh."

Chapter Text

Evil Dick stood once more in the bridge of his warship, this time sporting a very sinister, though very fake, black mustache and goatee, a stark contrast to his white hair. Kilroy noticed as she walked in, rolled her eyes, and asked, "Sir? Might I ask to why you are wearing that ridiculous get-up?"
"If you had paid attention in the mandatory Earth Education classes, Kilroy, you would know that all sinister villains portrayed in their multimedia projects all boast very impressive facial hair," he explained with an arrogant sniff. "This way, those stupid little Earthlings will know that I mean business."
"And the armed troops...don't?"
"They do..." Evil Dick said. "It's just...this mustache makes me more dignified, in an imposing way, no?"
Kilroy stifled a disbelieving giggle.
"Ready and just itching to get started, sir."
"Excellent. Instigate the landing process, then."
"Yes, sir."

Chapter Text

            Bulldog was still laughing hysterically when the six of them left the Inn’s restaurant and re-entered the main lobby. Frasier visibly seethed while Roz looked dangerously close to outright murdering the small bald man. Dave, on the other hand, gleefully enjoyed his cousin’s discomfort as Matthew wandered off. Gil had returned, boasting a freshly cooked chicken cordon bleu, which he had devoured completely without another complaint – save for the few seconds when he nearly choked upon Bulldog informing him of Frasier and Roz’s mutual embarrassment.

            “Oooh-oooh! Man, I haven’t had a laugh like that in a while. Hey, where’d he go? I wanna give him our station’s phone number so he can call in whenever he wants,” Bulldog cackled.

            Roz snarled something unintelligible as Frasier crossed his arms and towered over Bulldog, sneering disapprovingly.

            “Oh, man, this is better than when Kenny told me he interrupted a little something-something between the two of you at that one conference a while back-“

            “Wait, what?” Dave’s grin couldn’t have been wider. “You two…? Oh… Oh, this is just wonderful, just wonderful.”

            “Shut it, Dave,” Roz growled ferociously. “Nothing happened.”

            Dave raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Yeah. Sure.”

            “Bulldog, you little-!” Frasier turned back towards the smaller man, glowering dramatically.

            “Oh, come on, Doc,” Bulldog said, “admit it. There’s always been a firecracker of a spark between you.”

            “What-?!” Frasier sputtered. “Roz and I are co-workers, partners, dear friends-!”

            “Frasier, shut up and let me kill the little pipsqueak!” Roz snarled as Dave started laughing.

            “Hoisted by your own petard, eh, Roz?” Dave chortled.

            “Dave!”

…

            “Lieutenant,” Dick whispered harshly to Sally as they exited the elevator, following an irate Mary and indifferent Nina. “Take Harry and go find our car before that hoodlum wrecks it!”

            “Aww, why can’t Tommy do it? He’s got a driver’s license now and I’m meeting Don for dinner here…” Sally whined, not so subtly adjusting the straps of her bright orange cocktail dress. “I really don’t want to keep him waiting if you know what I mean…”

            “Tommy is already doing something for me,” Dick said, pushing her towards the front entry way. “He’s going to distract Nina while I romance the pants off of Mary!”

            “Gee, just like how Shakespeare wrote,” Sally griped. “And how, may I ask, is seventeen-year old Tommy supposed to distract a pretty thirty-something like Nina in a bar where he’s not even allowed?”

            “Simple! He’s going to go around and bribe ever single breathing man in the place to buy her a drink.”

            “Dick, that has got to be the single most asinine thing I have ever heard you come up with,” Sally said, shaking her head wearily. “I mean it, this is right up there with the time that you dyed your hair and wore those stupid leather pants.”

            “All right, Lieutenant-“

            “And how is Tommy supposed to go crawling around a bar, anyway?”

            “Fake ID, naturally-“

            “And how in the Big Giant Head did you talk Tommy into doing this stupid, stupid plan?”

            “That is not important-“

            “He said I could take the Rambler and treat Alyssa to a really nice dinner sometime,” Tommy appeared out of nowhere, grinning smugly.

            Sally huffed disapprovingly. “Men! Hmmph! Harry! Come on, we got a Rambler to track down!” She barked, reaching over to grab Harry by the collar of his furry coat and pulled him along.

            “Aww, but I was going to go hang out at the pool…” Harry’s shoulders slumped as he followed Sally reluctantly, striding out of the hotel and into the night.

            “And now…” Dick chuckled lasciviously, rubbing his hands together, turning in the direction of the restaurant, where Mary and Nina waited at the hostess stand. “My love awaits!”

            Tommy could only shake his head and follow. “Thank God for the American dollar…”

…

            Matthew stood beneath the ornate front portico of the Rutherford Inn, fidgeting nervously. “Where are they?” He muttered to himself, gazing at his watch for the zillionth time before looking both ways down the road for any sign of Mr. James’s RV. He started pacing around, growing jittery as the time grew closer to when the rest of the gang was supposed to arrive. He was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t see where he was going and Matthew immediately found himself landing on the ground, hard, his face pressed painfully down into the pavement, his glasses askew.

            “Hey! Watch where you’re going, spaz!” An unfamiliar voice, tough but female, groaned from atop him.

            “Oh…” Another voice intoned, male and buzzing with pain, appeared. “My skull is vibrating… That can’t be good…”

            “Now now, Harry!”

            “Matthew? Are you okay?”

            As a pair of hands pulled Matthew’s spindly form up from the ground, he readjusted his glasses so he could see, and gasped joyfully at the welcome sight of his friends all streaming out of Mr. James’s massive RV, Lisa leading the way, her face full of concern.

            “Hey, guys!” Matthew waved as he straightened to his full height, brushing gravel and dust off his clothes. He noticed the tall, attractive blonde woman scowling at him and the squinty-eyed fellow in the furry coat and cheerfully said, “Hi, I’m Matthew. And you are?”

            “Matthew, are you okay?” Lisa asked.

            “Oh, I’m fine, I’m just glad you guys made it,” Matthew grinned. “Dave’s cousin has been tormenting him all night!”

            “On a level of 1 to 10, how would you describe his annoyance level now?” Beth asked, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

            Matthew seemed to think it over carefully before responding. “Bill at his most obnoxious, I’d have to say.”

            Everyone grimaced in response.

            “Oh, that’s not good,” Joe shook his head.

            “Well, it’s a good thing we’re all here to surprise him, huh?” Mr. James waved towards the hotel. “Where’d you last see him?”

            “In the lobby with Roz and Frasier and Bulldog and Gil…” Matthew prattled. “

            Beth giggled. “Who names their child that?”

            “Oh, I think Bulldog is a nickname-“ Matthew pointed out.

            “I think she was talking about Frasier, man,” Joe laughed.

            “Oh,” Matthew nodded slowly. “Yeah, that makes more sense.”

            “This Frasier sounds somewhat snobby, don’t you think?” Max said.

            “Oh, he is,” Matthew agreed.

            Suddenly someone cleared their throat. Matthew, remembering the two interlopers who he had accidentally ran into. “Oh! Sorry! Did you need something?”

            The tall woman spoke first, putting a hand over her companion’s mouth before he could speak. “Did you see a nice, bright red car at any point? Harry, king of the morons here, accidentally gave our car keys to a hoodlum thinking he was a valet.”

            “Oh, the Ramber? Classic car,” Mr. James signed wistfully. “Yeah, it’s parked down the street in front of a place called Rizzo’s.”

            “Rizzo’s!” The tall woman cried dramatically, clutching a fist in a triumphant manner. “Of course! Come on, Harry, let’s go get this sucker!” She then strode off into the night in long, confident strides, as Harry followed, holding his head in his hands and muttering, “Aww, but my head still hurts…”  

            Mr. James, Matthew, Max and Joe watched them – well, Sally in particular – go and all whistled a low, wolfish whistle of appreciation.

            “Now, that’s a lady,” Joe nodded in approval.

            “Damn straight,” Mr. James agreed.

            Beth and Lisa scowled in annoyance before heading into the hotel, the latter wringing her hands nervously as her grimace partially transitioned into a smile.

Chapter Text

“Hey, Roz?” Frasier lowered his head to speak in low tones to his friend, who had slumped in a garden chair next to him on the covered patio of the Rutherford Inn.

            “What?” Roz ran a hand through her long, thick mane of copper hair, brandishing a decent glass of bourbon. Dave was busy showing the bartender at the outdoor bar his ID, while inwardly cursing his naturally youthful countenance, and Bulldog and Gil had retreated to their hotel rooms for the night.

            “Are you all right?” Frasier asked, his voice full of concern.

            “Eh,” she shrugged. “I’m fine. I should’ve known better than to try to pump my cousin for information about his dating life, or lack there-of, though. And now Bulldog knows about that drunken flirtation! Man, he’ll never let us live it down!” She lowered her head down on the table, banging it gently.

            “Well, look at it this way, Roz,” Frasier chuckled lightly, swirling his sherry around before sipping from the glass. “At least I’m not hounding you for a serious talk about it.”

            “About what? Dave? Look, I was messing with him a bit. I just, I don’t understand why he ended things with Lisa, I really thought they were going to-“

            “Roz.” Frasier gave her a soft but pointed look. “I was, uh, talking about us.”

            “Huh?” Roz’s gaze flew up and she stared directly into Frasier’s bright blue eyes. “What do you mean, Frasier?”

            “You, me…us.. The conference a couple of months ago…” Frasier gently prodded. “We… We never really talked about it, Roz.”

            “What?” Roz chuckled weakly, suddenly nervous. “What…what is there to talk about? We were drunk on champagne and did a little fantasizing, that’s it.”

            “Yes, we did,” Frasier said, nodding in agreement. “But did you ever…stop to think about why we were…fantasizing?”

            “Simple, we were lonely,” Roz said perhaps a bit too quickly for comfort, too defensively. “And, as I mentioned earlier, we were a little bit drunk.”

            Frasier’s lips pursed together thoughtfully. “So you’ve never thought about us…just as us, and not ‘Frasier but not Frasier’ and ‘Roz but not Roz’?” He asked, enunciating every word as carefully as he could.

            Roz looked the veritable picture of a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck. She opened her mouth again but only a soft, strangled gasp came out as she sat back, suddenly rigid. “Frasier…”

            “Roz… I’m going to be very honest with you. I haven’t stopped thinking about that night…  About you. Not ‘Roz but not Roz’, just you.” Frasier grasped her hand lightly, comfortingly – lovingly, Roz realized. “And I know that I’m risking our friendship here, Roz, I know because you mean so much to me, but I just have to tell you all of this or I-I’ll just burst-“

            “Dick, I cannot believe that you did that!”

            Both Roz and Frasier jumped in fright as a short, blonde woman stalked past their table, scoffing and scowling as she was followed by an apologetic-looking man, whimpering and bellowing dramatically for her to slow down.

            “Well, I’m sorry, Mary, but when a group of people stand up to make a toast, I have to get up and celebrate too!"

            “They weren’t celebrating, you idiot! They were toasting the friend that they had just buried earlier today!”

            “Well, how was I supposed to know?!”

            “They were dressed in black, wearing black armbands and crying, Dick!”

            As the couple continued to bicker, they stormed off, with Frasier and Roz watching the insanity unfold, utterly befuddled – Dave masterfully avoided the interlopers and sat down across from Roz, silently noting the shell-shocked gaze on her face and Frasier staring at his glass forlornly. “What did I miss?” He queried.

            Suddenly, a young man with short dark hair came darting out of the Inn, grimacing as a woman’s voice rang out, “Tommy, what in the hell did you think you were doing?!”

            Another voice, deep and baritone, bellowed, “Hey, you! Nobody under the age of 21 allowed in the bar!”

            “Dick, I’m going to kill you!!” He declared as he slid around the trio’s table and cowered behind a bewildered Roz, Frasier gaping and Dave frowning quizzically. The young man noticed them and smiled. “Hi, how are you? Nice evening, isn’t it?”

…

            Evil Dick stood in the surveillance center of his warship, watching the large, floor-to-ceiling television screen examining the feeds of the small town of Rutherford that were streaming in real-time. “Ah-ha! There!” He suddenly shrieked, pointing to a spot in the right upper-hand corner – behind him, Kilroy jumped at the sudden outburst after so many minutes of silence.

            “What? What?” She exclaimed.

            “There…” Evil Dick hissed. “It’s him. My eternal foe…”

            “Who? George Clooney?” One of the surveillance agents sitting at the computers nearby chuckled wickedly. Kilroy’s eyes widened as she took a few steps back, aware of what was to come.

            To her surprise, Evil Dick ignored the comment and glared daggers at the screen before him. “No. Dick Solomon! And look, those people, those must be those damned subordinates of his! Hmmm…” A sinister smile crossed his face as he rubbed his hands together excitedly. “Oh. Oh, yes, this could work… Kilroy, where are we on the landing process?”

            “Uh… Nearly completed, sir, we should fully appear in the skies above Rutherford within a couple of minutes. Why?” She asked hesitantly, fearing the answer.

            “Elementary, my dear Kilroy, revenge. Sweet, simple revenge,” Evil Dick purred. “And in the most…delightful way possible,” he added with a deep, throaty laugh.

            “Uh-huh. And that way would be…?” Kilroy asked.

            Evil Dick looked back to Kilroy with a malevolent gleam in his eye. “To quote one of this measly planet’s most classic means of multimedia… ‘Beam them up, Scotty.’”

            “Oh, boy. Yes, sir.”

            “Oh, and you, the funny one,” Evil Duck turned on the joker with all his fury. “Make any mention of that fine-haired goof again, and I’ll personally put you in one of our escape pods and ship you out into the very deepest part of space where no one will ever find you. Is that clear?”

            The former joker paled visibly, making his curly red-hair pop out even more so, and nodded meekly. “Crystal, sir.”

…

            “Lisa! Lisa, slow down!” Beth called out to her friend, who was striding ahead through the hotel towards the patio with frantic energy.

            Lisa heard her and stopped at the doors leading outside, tapping her foot impatiently. “Oh, God, here we go,” she muttered to herself as she caught sight of Dave sitting at a table, watching with mild amusement as a young man argued with a taller, older man as they paced around the table, the other occupants talking in hushed tones. “What the hell?”

            “Excuse me!” The attractive brunette who Lisa recognized as Dave’s cousin, Roz Doyle, stood up abruptly and yelled at the two intruders , who flinched in fear. “Do you mind?!”

            “Excuse me!” The tall man placed a hand on his chest, looking offended. “Do you mind?!”

            “This is great,” Dave cackled. “I’ve missed this.”

            The other man, distinguished but pompously so, looked at Dave disbelievingly. “This? You’ve missed this?!”

            “Believe it or not, yes,” Dave kept cackling. “Speaking of pure insanity, where the hell did Matthew go?”

            “For the love of God, I need another drink,” the distinguished man moaned as he leapt to his feet and walked away from the table, shaking his head as he glanced momentarily at Roz.

            “Frasier!” Roz called to him but he kept walking away. “Damn it!”

            “What on earth…?” Lisa whispered to herself, confused.

            Dave’s glance followed Frasier to the bar, then roved around curiously before falling on Lisa, standing awkwardly in the open doorway. For a moment, complete and total shock appeared on his face as she waved, smiling warmly, before he started beaming brightly, happily, in return.

            “Lisa,” he whispered.

            Then a blinding, bright flash of light enveloped them all, and hell itself broke loose.

Chapter Text

Dave could hardly contain his utmost surprise and absolute joy at seeing Lisa Miller step out onto the hotel’s patio. If any sort of actual human feeling could actually resemble the Grinch’s heart when it grew three sizes then this was definitely it. Then she smiled so brightly at him and he was sure his heart was beating so hard it would burst.

            Smiling like an idiot in love – which he was, he couldn’t deny it any longer – he whispered her name. “Lisa.”

            All of a sudden, his whole world was bathed in a blinding, white light, and he lost all equilibrium, all control of his senses – well, save for his hearing. He heard everyone around scream and cry out in uncontrolled terror. He heard his own scream. He heard Lisa scream. Lisa. Oh, God, Lisa!

            He tried to refocus his eyesight, blinking multiple times but still the white light remained. He could dimly see his own limbs, though, and he could tell that he was not on the ground anymore, he was…floating.

            Wait… Floating?!

            He gazed around frantically, now more aware of his surroundings – floating mid-air, ascending slowly. Not far off was Roz, screaming her lungs out, and those two idiots, the tall older man and the teenager, staring upwards in what could best be described as only mild concern.

            “Uh, Dick?” The youth said.

            “Yes, Tommy?”

            “We’re being levitated, Dick.”

            “I can see that, Tommy! No need to state the obvious!”

            Dave dared to look down, and a strangled cry escaped his throat when he saw how high they were. “What in God’s name?!”

            Below he could see several people streaming out of the hotel onto the patio, pointing and gesturing wildly to the sky – to the people floating in the sky inexplicably, Dave mused. He could still see Lisa among the mad throng, thankfully – the others had joined, because of course they had, they had all come for his birthday. And Lisa’s here. She’s here. Oh, crap, she’s here!

            “Dave!” She screamed, her eyes flicking to a point above him. He looked up and gaped in horror at the thing, silver and metallic and so freaking huge, into which he and the others were currently drawn into.

            “Oh, shit,” he muttered mournfully as they crossed the threshold and a rather large set of doors slid shut behind them, the light snuffed out and there was nothing but dark. “Lisa!”

…

            The white column of light blinked out of existence, fully exposing the wide expanse of the massive craft hovering in the skies above. The four people caught within the tractor beam were gone, and now a thunderous, roaring buzzing emanated from the spaceship as it was joined in the skies by several smaller, rounder crafts, all blinking blue spotlights over the entirety of Rutherford.

            Lisa Miller blinked dumbly in shock at the unexpected, unprecedented sight before her. Normally the journalist in her in her would quite possibly be drooling over the fact that she was an eyewitness to history in the making, but not now. She stood frozen in her spot on the patio, completely terrified, but not for herself. “Oh, my God, Dave, oh God…” She moaned aloud as a tense silence fell over the crowd as they continued to gawk and stare at the sky.

            “Umm…” Beth managed to squeak out, pointing lazily to the alien spaceship and its smaller satellites. “Is this… is this real? Like… did Dave just get abducted by…aliens? Actual aliens?”

            Joe, confronted by the reality of his life-long dream, babbled something nonsensically in shock while Matthew fainted in a dead heap, Max sweated profusely as he laid his head in his hands and sobbed, and Mr. James shuddered and muttered, “Yup. Yup!”

            The man who had been sitting with Dave and his cousin staggered to his feet from where he’d been thrown against the tall stools gathered around the bar, rubbing his eyes after being momentarily blinded by the light. “Oh, dear Lord, Roz!” He cried, running his hands over what little hair he had.  

            “Dr. Albright?” Nina stood with Mary, the both of them blank-faced. “Was that Dr. Solomon and Tommy…uh…up there?”

            “Yes, Nina,” Mary replied dreamily, “yes, it was.”

            Nina took a deep breath, sighing, “Huh!”

            It was at that point that everybody started to scream – terror, panic, blinding excitement all rolled into one shrill, cacophonic howl.

            This was the scene that met Sally and Harry as they returned from retrieving their beloved Rambler. They walked slowly out onto the stone patio, mouths agape, with a purring moan coming from Harry. “Sally, what are we going to do?”

            “Easy, Harry. We follow the flock, baa-baa-baa our heads off and panic, just panic.”

            “…And after that?”

            “After that…” Sally sighed, squaring her shoulders, mentally preparing herself for the battle ahead. “Well, we’ll see where the panic takes us, Harry.”

Chapter Text

“What do we do?! What do we do?!” Beth hyperventilated as she scurried around, waving her hands frantically.

            “Oh, Lord, the End of Days is upon us,” Mr. James moaned, wiping his brow. “Was that the Rapture that just happened? I think that was the Rapture just now.”

            “No, it is not the End of Days,” Lisa tried to keep calm, even though every molecule of her petite frame was vibrating with panic. Oh, Dave… “And it’s not the Rapture either…”

            “No, it’s far, far worse,” Joe proclaimed solemnly. “An alien invasion… My worst fears are coming true…” His voice trailed off as he stared darkly at the warship high, high above the city.

            “Out of curiosity,” Matthew whimpered, “what would those fears be exactly? Just so we-we know what to expect.”

            “Off the top of my head?” Joe started counting his fingers emphatically. “Near total annihilation of the majority of Earth’s species, the remnants captured as slaves, our planet drained of all of its natural resources-“

            “All right, Joe, you’ve illustrated the point quite vividly,” Max interrupted, looking sickly green and wavering on his feet.

            Lisa stepped away from the madness that she was accustomed to, overwhelmed by the panicked bickering of her friends – and found herself in an entirely new kind of insanity. She had left the corner of the patio where their group had gathered, and now she was swept up in people running and scurrying around in fear and panic.

            “Ladies and gentlemen, please, I implore you-!”

            “Shut it, Doc! Can’t you see we’re trying to panic here?! Like normal people?!”

            “For the love of God, we must keep calm!”

            “For once, I actually agree with Bulldog, Frasier. The time to panic is now!”

            Then Lisa was knocked off her feet by a flailing, stumbling man as he was shoved into her by his smaller, balder, louder friend. “Hey!” She yelped, managing to regain her balance, before glaring straight up at her accoster.

            “Oh! Forgive me, I’m so sorry!” The man fretted nervously. “I… This crowd is out of control, and I tried to calm them down, and-“

            “Oh, it’s fine,” Lisa sighed heavily, raising an eyebrow as the small, bald man started yelling in a red-haired, well-dressed fellow’s face. “It’s not their fault, really.”

            “No, I suppose not.” The man straightened to his full stature – he towered over Lisa by a full head. Lisa frowned, scrutinizing him momentarily.

            “Hey… You were sitting over with Dave and his cousin Roz Doyle, right?” Lisa asked, recognition dawning.

            “Dave?” His eyes flickered upwards. “Dave… Yes, yes, I’m-I’m Roz’s boss, Dr. Frasier Crane… How do you know Dave?”

            “Umm… Ha,” she chuckled weakly. “It’s sort of funny… I’m Lisa Miller, I’m a friend of Dave’s from, uh, from when I lived in New York. Our other friends who moved up to New Hampshire decided to drive down here to surprise Dave for his birthday.”

            “Oh. Oh!” Frasier’s blue eyes widened, complete understanding in his countenance. “Lisa! Oh… So that’s why Matthew was…”

            “Being Matthew multiplied by three? Yeah… Sorry about that…” Lisa inhaled sharply, suddenly remembering. “Oh. That… That was Roz, wasn’t it? Who got… abducted too?”

            Frasier’s face fell. “Yes. That was Roz. Oh, Lord, Roz…” He pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes tightly shut. “Damn. She has a daughter. Alice. She’s only a year old…”

            “Oh.” Lisa fiddled with her fingers anxiously. “W-where is she?”

            “Roz’s mother flew into town to stay with her. Oh, God, what am I going to tell her?”

            “I-I’m sure Roz is fine,” Lisa said. “They’re both fine, I’m sure of it,” she added vehemently, more so for herself than anyone else.

            “Oh, of course, I know that.” He paused, and then smiled conspiratorially. “You know, I almost pity the damn fools who dare mess with Roz Doyle… The woman’s got a red-hot temper the size of the state of Texas!”

            “I know. Dave told me all kinds of stories about his infamous cousin, Roz Doyle, from when they were growing up,” Lisa chuckled. “Of course, some of them can never be repeated…”

            “Definitely not, Roz would have all of our hides,” Frasier waved flippantly.

            Their laughter died down as they remembered the severity of the situation, both their gazes flying up towards the airship suspended in mid-air.

            “Do you really think they’re okay?” Lisa asked softly, hugging herself tightly.

            Frasier eyed her curiously. “Of course they’re okay,” he said, patting her shoulder reassuringly. “They’re from Wisconsin. You know how long winters last there? If they can survive seven month long winters, they can get through this.”

            Lisa laughed quietly at that, then fell back into pensive silence, gazing at anything and everything that wasn’t the damn imposing sight above their heads. Frasier cleared his throat, fiddling with his tie. “Um… Speaking of stories we’ve heard…” He started, but never finished.

            “Oh, God, not now!” Lisa muttered as she suddenly ducked behind Frasier’s huge frame.

            “What, what?” Frasier gaped in shock.

            “My ex-husband,” Lisa hissed as she dared to peek out from behind Frasier’s shoulder. “He got out of prison, just decided he wants to win me back, and that damn idiot Max told him where we’d be! Ooh, I’m going to kill that Max!”

            Well, that answers all my questions, Frasier thought, following her gaze until he noticed the tall, dark-haired man being embraced by the far shorter, portly man openly sobbing and babbling. But it brings up all sorts of new ones, though…

            The newcomer noticed Lisa and waved to her. “Lisa! There you are…”

            “Aw, crap,” Frasier heard Lisa mutter as she seemed to shrink in place behind him, before shrugging it off and stepped out into the open, waving back meekly. “Johnny! Hi… I’d ask you what you’re doing here but a certain somebody let the cat out of the bag,” she glared furiously at Max.

            Johnny Johnson glanced momentarily at Max, who was quite suddenly focused on his feet. “Max, buddy, this was supposed to be a surprise…”

            “Well, I’m sorry, Johnny, but she’s just so… bossy!” Max huffed. “She bullied it out of me, with all this talk of… well, you particularly wouldn’t want to hear this, actually, but she’s seemed to delude herself into thinking she’s in love with Dave!”

            “Max!” Lisa screeched through clenched teeth, her arms stiffly at her sides, her fists trembling. Frasier’s eyes were wide with shock, uncomfortable shock, while Beth, Joe and Mr. James started inching away from the awkward scene, whistling low and softly to themselves. Johnny, on the other hand, was unperturbed.

            “Hmm. Well, Max, you were right, I didn’t particularly care to hear that…” The tall man said, clasping his hands in front of him.

            Just as Lisa was about to open her mouth to speak again, the sky suddenly blinked – white, then blue, then white again, sending everyone into a stunned silence. A faint buzzing could be heard, growing louder and louder…

            Then the sky turned a brilliant electric blue, crackling visibly, before a voice, loud and demanding, came out of nowhere.

            “People of Rutherford, Ohio! The doom of your time has come! For I, the Supreme Emperor of the Universe, have arrived.”

Chapter Text

“People of Rutherford, Ohio! The doom of your time has come! For I, the Supreme Emperor of the Universe, have arrived!”

            Mary Albright frowned quizzically. That voice… Why does that voice sound so familiar?

            Sally shuddered in horror while Harry started moaning. “Oh, no, not him!” She cried softly – Beth, who hovered nearby, overheard, and frowned in thought.

            “Now, you’re probably wondering,” the disembodied voice continued pompously, “just who, or what, am I? And just what are my plans for your puny little planet, hmm?”

            Everyone remained deathly silent, only daring to breathe.

            “I’ll take your terrified quietude as a yes. See, my real name is… Actually, you cretins wouldn’t be able to pronounce my real name, too much squawking and grunting. Just call me Your Most Majestic Majesty! Ah-ha! Yes, that should do it!”

            A deep sense of foreboding came over Mary. I know that voice. But… it just can’t be…

            “You see, my very large and well-equipped army is here to conquer your world and enslave what pitiful remainders of your kind, you know, after the war-“

            “Yes! I knew it!” Joe cackled triumphantly.

            “Shut up!” Lisa growled, pinching his arm for effect.

            “Now you’re probably also wondering…” The voice purred with excitement, “…why your pesky little hamlet? Why not New York, Washington D.C., London…Toronto even? Well, it’s perfectly simple. RUTHERFORD IS THE SITE OF MY GREATEST HUMILIATION AND THEREFORE IT WILL BE DESTROYED FIRST!” He shrieked suddenly and vehemently, scaring everyone present and sending a collective chill down their spines.

            “D-destroyed?!” Frasier squeaked fearfully.

            “Oh…” Matthew whimpered as he clung onto a weirded out Joe, who tried vainly to escape. “Oh, no, oh, no!”

            “Damn it, Matthew, get the hell off of me! I can’t hear the galactic jackass!”

            “Shut up!!!” Beth rolled her eyes even as she hid behind a quiet, stone-faced Mr. James.

            Suddenly, another voice could be heard, lighter and feminine. “Sir, we’ve restored the visual output.”

            “Excellent, Kilroy, put me on!”

            The sky seemed to blink several times before a pixelated, very human-looking face, smirking evilly while stroking his obviously fake black goatee.

            Mary Albright paled visibly and croaked. “DICK?!”

            Nina yelped. “For the sweet love of God, you have got to be kidding me!”

            “Now, some of you may note my distinct resemblance to a certain feather-brained oaf named Dick Solomon. Be assured, I am not he, thank…well, thanks to Myself, I guess. I am a far more superior specimen, I assure you.”

            “Huh?” Mary babbled as Gil Chesterton and Bulldog Briscoe wandered out onto the patio, confused by the insanity.

            “Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you all, and this is the most delicious part.”

            Sally groaned gutterally. “Oh, no.”

            “You’re probably wondering why a powerful alien being like myself can hate and yet vaguely resemble a peon like Dick Solomon…”

            “Sally…” Harry whined, pawing at her elbow.

            “Shh!” She hissed back, slapping him away.

            “Well, here’s the really fun thing about it!” Evil Dick cackled triumphantly. “The Solomons – Dick, Sally, Harry and Tommy – are all ALIENS!! JUST LIKE ME!”

            “Oh, crap,” Sally moaned, fully aware of the numerous pairs of worried eyes falling on her and Harry, Mary and Nina chief among them.

            “Which is why I’ve abducted said Solomons so that they can watch their beloved little Earthling town get torn apart piece by piece,” the maniac snickered as the image in the sky flickered and jiggled around – the jerk was apparently reconfiguring his camera. “See? Here they are…”

            Evil Dick moved his head to reveal four figures confined within a spectacularly large electrified cage, each one at a different stage of annoyance and fear. Dick glowered furiously while Tommy kept shaking his head wearily, Roz looked absolutely frozen with fear, her hands at her sides clenched into tight fists, and Dave looked around his new surroundings with a mixture of curiosity and displeasure.

            Lisa and Frasier shared a collective sigh of relief. “Oh, thank God,” she murmured, even as Evil Dick’s evil laughter rang through the air before ending abruptly.

            “Wait…” He eyed his prisoners quizzically. Then he approached the cage, staring particularly close at Roz and Dave, who shared a look of concern. “You’re not Sally. And you’re not Harry.”

            “No…” Dave shook his head slowly, never taking his eyes off of the maniac. “No, we’re not.”

            A brief moment passed before Evil Dick started jumping up and down furiously, shaking his fists. “Damn! We got the wrong humanoids! Damn, damn, damn!”

            “At least you got two of them, sir,” the aforementioned Kilroy chuckled hesitantly. “Your, ahem, archenemy among them.”

            “Yes, I guess you’re right,” sighed Evil Dick. “Oh, Dick, you are really going to enjoy what I have in store for your precious Rutherford…”

            “What am I, chopped liver?” Tommy piped.

            “Silence, runt, I’m talking to your High Commander!”

            “But I’m older than he is!”

            At hearing Tommy’s declaration, Roz and Dave just stared at him quizzically, while on Earth, Nina’s face scrunched up and Mary’s face lost all emotion whatsoever, while everyone else just shared weirded-out looks.

            “Uh, what about us? We have nothing to do with these morons,” Roz said, pointing to herself and Dave, who nodded in agreement.

            “Oh, you’ll just be the first of my human slaves,” Evil Dick waved her off arrogantly. Then he seemed to really notice Roz for the first time, noticing how attractive she was, and starting leering. “Well, he’ll be one of the slaves. You, on the other hand…”

            “Oh, hell no!” Roz screeched, baring her teeth. “Screw you, buddy!”

            That a girl, Roz, Frasier silently cheered her on.

            “Oh, fine, have it your way,” Evil Dick sniffed affably. Then he seemed to remember that he had a literal captive audience on Earth and turned back towards the camera. “People of Rutherford, Ohio, prepare for the coming of my armies. We’ll be landing in twenty minutes. Emperor of the Universe, out!”

            Then the sky blinked again and the screen went black.

Chapter Text

“Oh, and I almost forgot!” Evil Dick’s voice reappeared. “There is an electromagnetic dome surrounding your pathetic little hamlet, it will shock anyone who tries to escape or get inside. No one gets in, no one gets out. Bye-bye!” Then he was gone again with a devious chuckle.

            Sally and Harry stood rigidly, fully aware of all the accusing eyes staring right at them. Sally absently chewed on a fingernail as Harry slowly put up his furry coat’s hood, praying to disappear within.

            Finally, one person stepped forwards – Mary Albright, her face twisted with disbelief. “Sally… Is it true? Are you all…aliens?”

            Sally opened her mouth, took a deep breath to speak, but Harry unfortunately beat her to the punch.

            “YES!!!” Harry howled miserably, falling to his knees beseechingly. “I admit it! We’re aliens! We came here to study you! Please, please don’t cut us open and pickle our organs! PLEASE!!”

            Sally looked like she had just swallowed an extremely bitter lemon. “Harry…!”

            “Man, we’re not going to cut you open.”

            Harry and Sally’s heads shot up in surprise as Joe pushed himself through the crowd, leading the rest of the WNYX crew and Dr. Frasier Crane.

            “You’re not?” Sally glared skeptically.

            “No.” Joe crossed his arms, looking as tough as possible. “But you are going to answer all of our questions, hot stuff!”

            “HEY!” Sally barked furiously. “That’s Lieutenant Hot Stuff to you, asswipe!”

            “What in the name of J. Edgar Hoover is going on here?!”

            Sally gasped in horror as another figure waddled in, short and portly with dark curly hair – his police uniform screamed his occupation. “Sally, Harry, what is happening? Did – was that Dick up there? You, you’re all aliens?”

            “Oh, Don,” Sally cringed. “Don, umm… Yes, it’s true, Don, we’re all…intergalactic beings here on an anthropological survey of your planet and native species, Dick’s the High Commander, he’s our boss, Tommy’s our intelligence operative, I am in personally in charge of security and Harry…”

            Her voice trailed off from the quick and fast to an uncertain pause as she glanced at a squinting, gently bouncing Harry. “Well, we had an extra seat.”

            Officer Don Orville rubbed his somewhat chubby chin thoughtfully. “Now… When you say you’re in charge of security… Does that mean…?”

            “I’m a decorated Lieutenant in our home planet’s military,” Sally said.

            “Ah,” Don nodded blankly. “Ah. So, essentially… One would say you’re the cop of your little group?”

            Lisa noticed the abrupt change in the air the same time she noticed that Sally’s entire body stiffened slightly as she moved slowly over to Don, and how Don seemed to puff up and strut in response.

            “What is going on? I feel like I’m watching Bogey and Bacall in real life,” Beth whispered.

            “I can honestly say that I have no idea,” Lisa whispered back.

            “Why, yes,” Sally coyly smiled, “one could say that I am the experienced police officer of my little group, Don.”

            “Dude, I think I’m about to puke,” Joe grimaced.

            “Me too,” Matthew whined, “oh, where’s a bucket?”

            “Shhh!!!” Mr. James hushed.

            Don exhaled deeply and wheezily. “My God, Sally! You’re a literal goddess!”

            Then, by some sort of miracle Lisa reckoned, the small chubby cop dipped the much taller woman and they began kissing passionately – too passionately, the rest of those gathered all thought as they groaned and moaned miserably in response.

            “My word,” Frasier gulped.

            “That,” Bulldog cackled with a shake of his bald little head, “does not make any sort of sense!”

            “I agree,” Gil shuddered visibly before noticing Frasier. “Oh, Frasier, where’s Roz?”

            Frasier winced painfully. This was going to be a long conversation. And possibly harmful to his physical health on his part.

Chapter Text

“High Commander’s Log, Stardate 564.07. Our…darkest day has…come. My evil doppelganger has returned, this time boasting a high tech warship and a heavily…armored army with which…he intends…to conquer the planet Earth… and all her denizens,” Dick Solomon recited dramatically, pacing around with his hands clasped behind his back. “He has…abducted… Tommy and myself… as well as two humans whom he mistook for Sally and Harry, who thankfully remain free and are hopefully in the process of …formulating a plan…to rescue us…”

            “Dave, could you please tell that cheap Shatner impersonator to shove his log up his own ass and shut the hell up?!” Roz Doyle yelled ferociously from her corner of the cage.

            Dave was lying down with his jacket folded up beneath his head, keeping his eyes closed tight in a vain effort to get some sleep. “Roz, I get the feeling that he’s going to do it whether we like it or not.”

            “How are you so calm right now?” Roz demanded.

            “Yeah, it’s creeping me out,” Tommy commented, taking a brief break from carefully examining their containment unit.

            “Believe it or not, I am actually used to a certain level of insanity in my daily life,” Dave said as he readjusted his makeshift pillow. “This only…mildly worries me,” he added, biting his lip as thoughts of Lisa resurfaced and threatened to turn what little peace of mind he had into full-blown panic.

            “Only mildly?!” Tommy echoed in disbelief.

            “People, please, I am trying to make a log!” Dick raged, not at all realizing just what he had said.

            Roz failed to stifle a raucous laugh as Dave just eyed the man with disbelieving amusement. “Okay, there’s not way that anyone could’ve believed you two doofuses were actually human!”

            “Well, believe it, buddy! People bought out act for years!” Dick cackled arrogantly.

            “Uh, Dick, you’re forgetting about those two alien hunters who took us all hostage,” Tommy pointed out.

            Dick frowned. “Ah. Oh, yes, I almost forgot about those two…”

            “Oh, and that Neesam jerk…”

            “Yes, thank you, Tommy,” Dick scowled.

            “And that guy who kidnapped Harry and sold him to the circus, I think he knew-“

            “Yes, thank you, Tommy!”

            Roz held her head in her hands and groaned. “Oh, my God, we are all going to die… Oh, God, my baby! What’s going to happen to Alice?!”

            Dave swiveled his head to stare his cousin as evenly as he could muster. “Roz. We are going to get out of here. You’re going to go home to your daughter, okay? Everything’s going to be all right.”

            “Oh, God,” Roz continued panicking, “And Frasier?! He’s probably wandering around down there, trying to control everybody and everything, and of course, nobody’s going to listen to the big pompous ass striding around, so he’s doomed!”

            “Roz,” Dave started.

            “Yeah, yeah, I know, ‘Frasier will be fine, he’s a big guy’! But you don’t know him, he is not the athletic type!”

            “I’m sure that Lisa chick’s athletic,” Tommy said, eyeing Dave with a raised eyebrow. “Come on, man, I saw you right before we got beamed. I heard you, too, right before. You screamed her name.”

            Dave sat up, frowning slightly. “You did?”

            “Lisa?” Roz’s face scrunched up in confusion. “That Lisa, your ex-girlfriend Lisa? When did she…get down there?”

            “From what I observed,” Dick said, “she – and I am only guessing that the pretty brunette who Dave here was making goo-goo eyes at is this mysterious Lisa – arrived only mere seconds before our abduction.”

            “She, uh,” Dave stammered, rubbing the back of his neck. “I…I think she came down for my…birthday, she and…everyone…”

            “Hmmm,” Roz purred. “Interesting.”

            “Roz, this is really not the time,” Dave glared.

            “Oh? And when will be the time, Dave?”

            “What are we talking about?” Dick wondered aloud.

            “Clearly Dave here is something of a lovesick idiot for this Lisa and Roz, his cousin, is bugging him about it,” Tommy theorized cheekily.

            “Love?” Dick then screeched shrilly, startling the heck out of the others. “Oh, dear God, Mary! I forgot about Mary! She’s down there, trapped…”

            “Not to mention she also knows we’re aliens, let’s not forget that,” Tommy said, shaking his head.

            Dick paled, his face seemingly growing more long and narrow in despair, and he fainted, the others watching with feigned interest.

            “Well,” Dave shrugged, “that happened.”

            “I suddenly feel very sorry for that poor Mary,” Roz said.

            “As well you should,” Tommy chuckled.

            Suddenly, a light tapping drew their attention from the whimpering Dick towards the front of the cage. They all frowned in confusion, instantly jumping to their feet, ready for a possible fight.

            “What are you doing here?” Dave said, crossing his arms.

            Kilroy straightened her jacket and then crossed her arms in return. “I…am in need of your assistance.”

            “For what?” Roz grumbled skeptically.

            “To save your world,” Kilroy said, her voice as hard as steel, “and mine.”

Chapter Text

“So, let’s go over the facts as we know them,” Don said, gesturing to those gathered to take a seat at the conference table. Michael, the hotel manager, had graciously allowed them the use of the Inn’s lone conference room for what Don had called ‘the Debriefing’ before fleeing.

            “Shouldn’t the mayor and the chief of police be handling this?” Frasier asked, taking a seat.

            “They’re on their yearly trip to Lake Wannahokalogee in Michigan…” Don shook his head slowly, grunting in disapproval. “Politicians… Bah! Always in times of crisis, when we need them the most, they skip town with their tails between their legs…”

            “Preach, brother, preach,” Mr. James nodded along, tapping the mahogany table incessantly.

            “So, Don, I suppose that it’s your show,” Mary said with a heavy sigh, rubbing her temples.

            “Why doesn’t that make me feel any better?” Lisa wondered, grimacing mildly.

            “Hey, Don Orville is a strong, steadfast pillar of indomitable endurance, and he is the best and obvious choice for leadership here!” Sally argued. “Human-wise.”

            “Hey, what about Mr. James?” Beth asked.

            “Hey, I’m glad to let the, uh, professionals handle this one,” Mr. James said. “Although I will offer whatever assistance I can, as I am intuned to these certain matters, like Joe here…”

            “How so, sir?”

            “He claims that he’s Deep Throat,” Lisa said with a roll of her eyes.

            Frasier’s brow furrowed at a smug-looking Mr. James. “What?”

            “No way!” Don exclaimed, staring in amazement.

            “Yes, way,” Mr. James grinned deviously, reclining back in his chair gleefully.

            Sally frowned. “I don’t think he has that deep a throat…”

            Everyone glanced back at Sally in a mixture of amazement and concern. Lisa, however, waved her hands and said, “No, no, we have to focus here! Two of our own have been abducted-!”

“Don’t forget Dick and Tommy,” Harry said as he padded up to Sally and handed her an orange, which she took a large bite out of, peel and all.

“-and the two aliens pretending to be human,” Lisa finished, frowning in disbelief at the words that she had just said. “Officer Orville, please, continue.”

“Thank you, Miss Miller.” Don patted the badge pinned on his chest. “Now, I’m not going to lie you, ladies and gentlemen. This town has been cut off from the outside world by a powerful energy shield that will send a shock wave straight through you if you even nudge it with your elbow, our planet has been invaded by a madman bent on universal domination, and several of our close friends have been kidnapped. The situation…is dire.”

“That’s one way of putting it,” Joe scoffed.

“Let’s not forget the army of aliens coming to kills us all!” Matthew shrieked in terror, whimpering.

“Oooh, yeah, that,” Harry made an equally as shrill and annoying noise as Matthew’s. “Don’t forget that!”

“Okay, Officer Don is it,” Mr. James said, standing up. “Please tell us that you have a nice-sized police force that are actually trained for crisis situations.”

Don not so stealthily avoided everyone’s gaze. “There are twelve people on the force, myself included, and the most we’re trained in is our sidearms. Which we…rarely use.”

“Oh, sweet Lord,” Mary groaned loudly, lowering her head on the table and banging it lightly several times.

“We are all going to die,” Nina said simply, with a tight, humorless smile as she headed towards the door. “Every single one of us, we are all going to die.”

“Where are you going?” Beth asked, watching the secretary curiously.

“To kill my liver before the aliens probe me for it,” Nina responded bitingly. “Who’s with me?”

The vast majority of the room’s occupants raised their hands eagerly before following Nina out the door, leaving only Frasier, Lisa, Mr. James, and Mary at the table with Don, all looking at their fleeing friends with bewilderment.

“Guys!” Lisa gasped, trying to beckon them back. “What about Dave?”

“I’m sorry, Lisa, but Dave is currently up there,” Beth said, pointing upwards, stepping dramatically out the door, “but alcohol is down here and within reach…”

Lisa made strangling motions with her hands as she growled angrily. “You-! Grrrr!!!!”

“Can I come in?” Johnny appeared, poking his head in the open door over Beth’s head.

“NO!” Lisa screeched, startling the hell out of everybody still in the conference room. “I can’t deal with you now, Johnny, we are dealing with an actual emergency and Dave has been abducted by aliens!”

“And Roz,” Frasier pointed out, staring pointedly at Lisa.

“And Dick,” Mary added, lifting her head.

“And Tommy,” Don finished.

“Yeah, those guys too! God…” Lisa ran her hands through her hair and leaned back in her chair.

“Come on, Johnny, she’s in a mood,” Beth said, gesturing for a stoic-faced Johnny to follow her to the bar.

“All right. I’ll find you later, angel.”

Lisa only replied with a guttural growl as she pressed her palms into her eyes in a vain attempt to get rid of the headache already forming.

“Moving on,” Don quickly declared, turning towards a confused Frasier. “Now, Dr. Crane, you said that your father was a cop, yes?”

“Yes,” Frasier managed to get in before he was interrupted again.

“Does that mean you know how to handle a gun?”

Frasier’s jaw stiffed as he nodded sternly. “Yes… Why?”

“I’m thinking we need to start taking in volunteers for an…army of sorts,” Don explained. “Anyone and everyone who can use a weapon: martial art instructors, veterans, children of retired cops…”

“Ah, I see… All right, you can count me in, I suppose,” Frasier spoke slowly, reluctantly. “But it’s only to save Roz, let me make that clear. I abhor using guns.”

“I know how to use a gun,” Lisa offered.

“Really?” Mary queried.

“Yeah, my dad took us all hunting every summer until I went to college,” Lisa explained.

“What about you, Mary?” Don turned to the only other person in the room he was familiar with, Sally and Harry having escaped to the bar with the others.

Mary, wide-eyed, paused briefly. “I…know how to use a blowpipe. Does that count?”

Don rolled his eyes. “Mary, if you’re not going to bring anything useful to the table, why didn’t you go to the bar with the other cowards? And Sally?” He added quickly, aware that somehow, in some way, Sally would hear that he had called her a coward and would make him pay at some point.

“Because I’m already drunk,” Mary smiled dazedly before passing out right on the table, her words giving way to loud snores.

“Oh, dear God,” Frasier and Lisa exclaimed defeatedly in unison.

Chapter Text

“Save your world?” Dave scoffed in disbelief, crossing his arms. “What is that supposed to mean?”

            “Yeah, don’t you goons follow that psycho hook, line and sinker?” Roz scowled.

            “Him? ‘His Most Majestic Majesty’?” Kilroy put her hands on her hips, glaring right back. “To use a common expression of you humans, hell, no! We just follow him because he’s keeping our king hostage somewhere on this damn ship!”

            “You…people have a king? You have kings in space?” Dave questioned.

            “Yes, we have kings in space,” Tommy said with a shrug. “Take our Big Giant Head for example-“

            “You call your leader the Big Giant Head?” Roz barked a laugh as Dave began to laugh outright. “What, is that supposed to be a euphemism or something?”

            Dick and Tommy shared an awkward look. “Uh… We wouldn’t know…” Dick hemmed and hawked nervously.

            “Yeah, we’re not exactly that close with the guy,” Tommy chuckled dryly. “Except maybe Dick here, but that’s only because the Big Giant Head’s his dad, and we only found that fun little fact out a while ago…”

            “What?” Dave gazed at Dick in a mixture of amazement and what seemed like pity. “So, what, does that make you a Prince or something?”

            As Dick seemed to process the question, Tommy gave Dave an angry, strained glare, mouthing silently the words, “Why did you say that? He’s going to be a real asshole now…”

            “A Prince? Oh, I do enjoy the sound of that…” Dick gleefully rubbed his hands together. “Tommy, why didn’t you and the others help me realize this before?!” He demanded, slapping Tommy on the shoulder.

            “For our sanity’s sake, Dick!” Tommy growled. “I mean, let’s face it, you are not the most modest of beings in the first place-“

            “YO!” Kilroy yelled, waving her hands around. “Back to the issue at hand, humans and other assorted beings! Time is of the essence, after all.”

            “Hngh,” Roz made a sad grunt.

            “What?” Dave turned to his cousin in concern.

            “For a second there, she kind of sounded like Frasier…” Roz admitted sadly before remembering where she was and in who’s company she was in. Her eyes went wide as saucers.

            Dave’s eyes squinted knowingly. “Oh, Roz, you have got it bad,” he said with a rather devious grin.

            “No, I don’t!” Roz denied vehemently, starting to pace around the small enclosure frantically.

            “Oh, this is going to be fun,” Dave cackled.

            Kiloy’s shoulders deflated in defeat as she turned towards a curious Dick and Tommy. “What did I just say?”

            Dick shrugged. “You have to be patient with homo sapiens, Kilroy, they have immensely short attention spans.”

            “Oh?” Tommy piped up. “And what’s your excuse, Dick?”

            Before Dick could respond with a clever remark, Kilroy whistled loudly through her fingers, regaining everyone’s attention. “We don’t have much time before the invasion begins. I need the four of you to come with me and help me free King Marvin before Emperor Asshole upstairs is able to get the whole army on the ground.”

            Dave and Roz shared a sly look. “An alien king… named Marvin,” Dave stifled a laugh.

            “I bet he’s from Mars and he’s looking for a, what was it, oh, an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator,” Roz cackled. “And he has a dog named K-9!”

            As the two humans continued laughing, Kilroy gave Dick and Tommy a withering but questioning stare. “What the hell are they talking about?” She asked.

            Tommy and Dick answered speedily in unison. “Don’t ask.”

Chapter Text

Kilroy pulled out a small, rectangular piece of metal as long as her hand and inserted it into a thin slot on the corner of the containment unit, then pulled it back out again. The walls of the cage instantly dissipated with an audible hiss. “We don’t have much time. We need to find King Marvin. He’s the only one who can this before it gets any worse.”

            None of the prisoners moved, instead eyeing her warily. “Why should we trust you?” Tommy asked, scratching his chin thoughtfully.

            “Yes, Tommy does have a point,” Dick assented. “How do we know that this isn’t some sick mind game to psych us out, hmm?”

            Kilroy’s eyes narrowed defensively, her nose scrunching up slightly. For a brief moment, she reminded Dave of Lisa. Oh, no, not now, no, don’t go there, not now, this is not the time, he thought with a small grimace, even as images of Lisa popped into his head and stayed there, permanently etched. Christ, Dave, you’ve got it bad, haven’t you? God, what timing…

            “You guys want proof?” Kilroy’s voice stirred Dave from his reverie. “All right… Dick, what has the Big Giant Head told you about your mother?”

            Dick’s eyes bugged out of his skull as Tommy’s face twisted in confusion as Dave and Roz looked on in curiosity. “My mother?! The absentee slimebag who abandoned me?! What about her?!”

            “I am going to take that as a no…” Kilroy muttered, flicking a lock of blonde hair out of her face. “Dick… I am your mother.”

            Tommy visibly jumped as if stricken by lightning, Roz’s mouth dropped wide open and Dave’s eyes widened while he put on a strained, frozen smile.

            “I…” Dick stammered, visibly stunned. “What?”

            “Dick… I am your mother.”

            There was a brief silence, heavy with tension, as Tommy, Roz and Dave carefully gauged a frozen Dick to see what his reaction would be.

            “Dick,” Tommy finally said, “are you dead? You look like rigor mortis just set in.”

            Suddenly, Dick let out a loud, high-pitched shriek, scaring the hell out of everyone.

            “Sweet God!”

            “Jesus Christ!”

            “Dick, you asshole!”

            “MOMMY!” Dick sobbed openly as he ensnared a bewildered but smiling Kilroy into a powerful embrace.

            “I know, hon, I know, Mommy’s here…” She soothed, patting his back.

            Dave turned to Roz. “Could this get any weirder?”

            “Oh, I don’t think we’ve seen anything yet.”

Chapter Text

“Uh… Okay, I hate to break up this little love fest here,” Dave stepped forwards tentatively, “but don’t we…apparently…have an alien king to go rescue? Oh, God, I can’t believe I said that out loud.”

            “Yes, yes,” Dick whimpered, straightening back to his full stature, brushing out the folds of his shirt. “You’re right.”

            “Don’t worry, Dick, we’ll have plenty of time to catch up once we kick your evil doppelganger’s ass!” Kilroy declared triumphantly before her face fell. “I can’t believe I just said that.”

            “I can’t believe what any of us are saying right now!” Roz moaned loudly, stamping her feet impatiently. “Can we get going, please?! I would like to see my daughter again at some point people!”

            “Okay, okay, don’t get your slacks in a twist, hothead,” Tommy said. “Let’s get going, Dick. Dick? Hey, Dick!”

            “For the love of all that is holy, will you let me have a moment?! I just met my mother!” Dick cried, wiping at his eyes.

            Dave eyed Kilroy questioningly. “So…you…gave…whatever you beings refer to as birth…to him?”

            Kilroy nodded affirmatively. “I did, yes, forty-eight Earth hours of pure, agonizing labor.”

            “Oooh, ouch,” Roz winced. “I’ve been there. I mean, not forty-eight hours long, but I have given birth and it was not pleasant.”

            Dave could only blink in surprise. “But… But…”

            “Oh! Yeah, why I look the way that I do,” Kilroy laughed, motioning to herself. “See, the Asshole King had us watch Earth television shows in preparation, and one of them was about this hot young thing going around and killing these bloodless agoraphobics, and I just figured, ‘hey, why not pick a body like that’, you know?”

            “Uh-huh…” Dave shook his head tiredly. “Uh-huh.”

            “Can we go already?!” Tommy practically screeched, herding everybody towards the exit.

            “Okay, okay, calm down, kid,” Kilroy ruffled his hair as she took charge. Tommy scowled and flinched, grumbling something about his real age under his breath. “Come on, King Marvin’s in the brig, way down deep in the bowels of the ship.”

            Roz made a sour face. “The bowels, really? Oh, why? Why does it have to be the bowels?”

            “Let’s be grateful that it’s the bowels and not the-“

            “Okay, Tommy, everyone, I’m going to need all of you to shut up!” Kilroy whispered harshly.

            After a few beats of silence, as they walked quickly but quietly down the thin halls of the warship, Tommy piped up, smiling snarkily, “You know, Dick, for an older woman… Your mom’s kind of hot.”

            He was then rapidly slapped, smacked and flicked upon the ear by three different hands as Kilroy stifled a giggle.

Chapter Text

“There’s something missing,” Evil Dick sighed loudly and dramatically as he threw himself down upon his ornate throne. “Just something… But what? What?! My forces are fully prepared to conquer the Earth, my archnemesis shall watch his friends and loved ones either die or be enslaved and can do nothing… What more could I possibly desire?”

            No one answered back, as the throne room was empty, cavernously so, and Evil Dick’s pompous voice echoed multiple times before fading away.

            “Hmm… Where’s Kilroy? She should be here, meticulously recording all of my complaints…” Evil Dick glanced around distractedly. “Ah, well… It really is so empty in here. Ugh.  I need something to pass the time before the invasion. I’ve got what, five more minutes… Oh, its an eternity! I wonder what’s on television…”

            Evil Dick picked up a television remote and turned on the classic set that was placed in the center of the room. Instead of a random television program that he was expecting, the news was playing live coverage of the invasion and occupation of Rutherford, Ohio. “Oooh, let’s see who’s panicking?”

            Currently, the screen showed gathering of cop cars and firetrucks gathered around the exterior of the giant blue dome that ensconced the city of Rutherford. Many officers and firemen were attempting to break through but to no avail – they were all flung back by a surge of electric current, some into their vehicles, into other people. Evil Dick cackled in delight as the chaos unfolded.

            “Wonderful! Simply wonderful! Oh, I really should have this broadcast down to the cell where dear Dick is, wouldn’t want him to miss all the fun… Oooh, wait, who is that…?

            The news camera was focusing in on the people trapped within the dome – a few stragglers were just staring out helplessly, some sipping lazily on a cocktail, others brandishing tools and farm equipment as weaponry. Evil Dick focused on one figure in particular – a lascivious leer crossed his face.

            “Who are you, you ravishing creature?” Evil Dick cried, falling from the throne and crawling to the television in an exceedingly comical fashion. “My God! I must have you!” He added, going so far as to embrace the television set passionately.

            “Uh, sir?”

            Evil Dick glanced up to find one of the mates staring at him in unabashed concern. “What? Can’t you see I’m busy?!”

            “Uh, I was told to inform you that all preparations have been made, we are ready to, ahem, begin the…invasion, sir.”

            “Ah. Ah, good, excellent. And where is Kilroy? She should be here for this…”

            “I don’t know, sir… Would you like me to page her, sir?”

            “No, I want you to dress in drag and do the hula. Yes, page Kilroy, you imbecilic nincompoop!”

            The mate nodded, wincing slightly as he turned to go. “Yes, sir.”

            “Oh, and… Your name is Kelvin, yes? Kelvin, forget that you ever saw this or I will transform you into antimatter, are we clear?”

            Kelvin visibly shuddered in terror. “Crystalline clear, sir.”

            “Excellent. I’ll be in the bridge shortly,” Evil Dick jumped instantly to his feet, brushing off his clothes, though his white hair was standing straight up from contact with the television screen. “And make sure all the proceedings are broadcast throughout the ship so…everyone can enjoy,” he chuckled darkly, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

            “Everyone!” He declared again, laughing evilly as he marched out of the room, following an increasingly nervous Kelvin. “Oh, and if that redhead should pop up on the screen while the invasion’s happening…?

            “Beam her up, Scotty?”

            “Kelvin, you are going to go far in this business!” Evil Dick cackled again. “Oh, this is turning into the best day!”

Chapter Text

“Penny for your thoughts?”

            Lisa startled at the sudden appearance of the deep baritone voice of Dr. Frasier Crane. She had been pacing around in the small vending machine on the ground floor of the Rutherford Inn, feeling overwhelmed by the rapid progress of events, muttering incoherently to herself.

            “Ah, Dr. Crane…” Lisa’s hand flew up to her chest to calm her frantically beating heart, turning to face him. Then she jumped back, crying out in mild alarm. “Oh my God, what in the hell are you wearing?!”

            Frasier lumbered into the little entrance way, clad head to toe in a medieval suit of armor, the helmet’s visor raised to reveal his bright blue eyes gazing back at her in concern. “Apparently... When it comes to defending oneself, you have to go…all out, is the term, I believe?”

            “But can you even move in that thing?” Lisa failed to stifle a laugh.

            Frasier shrugged, or at least attempted to in the suit. “Nina went to go find some oil to loosen up the hinges… I might just wind up wearing the breastplate, that alone should be sufficient enough for me.”

            “What about the helmet?” Lisa asked, tapping the left side, almost knocking the visor down.

            “Roz would say that my massive cranium can withstand anything,” Frasier sniffed arrogantly. “But, then again, she also says I’m nothing more than a big doily, so who knows?”

            “Really? A big guy like you? I can’t imagine.”

            “Let me put it to you this way. I very much prefer Pavarotti over Prince, and Brideshead Revisited over Days of Our Lives.”

            “Ah. Not a big…sports guy, huh?”

            “Perish the thought.” A beat of silence passed before Frasier spoke again. “I meant what I said before. Penny for your thoughts?”

            “That…depends. How many pennies do you have?” Lisa chuckled dryly, before leaning up against a snack machine, lowering her head. “I…I was just thinking about Dave.”

            “Ah… I thought that might be the case…” Unable to properly nod, his eyes darted around animatedly. “And, uh… I’m guessing that what your friends said, when Johnny, your ex, appeared, was the truth?”

            Lisa’s whole body tensed up, but only for a moment as she shivered the tension away, brushing a lock of hair out of her face. “Yeah. Yeah, it was.”

            “And I take it that’s why your ex is now an ex?”

            “Hmmm. Partially,” Lisa admitted, rubbing her arms as if to keep herself warm. “Marrying Johnny was…more of a very poorly thought, ill-planned attempt to forget about Dave rather than actually…moving on. You know how everyone says that workplace romances never work out?”

            “I’ve heard it more than a few times, and that’s only because I work with Bulldog Briscoe,” Frasier shook his head. “You wouldn’t believe that man’s exploits.”

            “Any more than Roz Doyle’s?” Lisa raised an eyebrow pointedly. “Dave and I dated for a few years, while we were working together, and it…it got weird, and he ended things so we could ‘focus on our careers’, his words, and I…really reacted badly.”

            “You immediately married another man?”

            “No, I took his job.”

            “Ouch,” Frasier winced. “Wait, then how…?”

            “Oh, it’s a long story involving an evil efficiency expert, Mr. James being framed for being D.B. Cooper, and I really don’t think we have time to go into all that right now,” Lisa said quickly.

            “Yes, you’re quite right on that… What did that galactic simp say, twenty minutes until the invasion? And we have, what…oh, ten minutes. Oh.” Frasier mulled. “I do have one more question, though.”

            “What?”

            “How on earth was your boss framed as D.B. Cooper?!”

            “Oh, my ex-husband did it…”

            “What?!” Frasier exclaimed. “Wait, was this before or after you married him?”

            “Before.”

            Frasier peered at her curiously. “You’re insane, woman.”

            “Not the first time I’ve heard it and definitely not the last time…” Lisa sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose in embarrassment. “Enough about my love life, though. What about you and Roz?”

            “I thought we didn’t have time for all that.”

            “We don’t have time to discuss the entirety of my love life. Yours, however, I think is much simpler in detail than mine.”

            “Hmmm.” Frasier hummed. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

            “Come on, Dr. Crane, you are just as worried about Roz as I am about Dave,” Lisa gazed at him knowingly. “Spill. While we’re still standing.”

            “Grrr…” A low growl escaped his throat. “Oh, well. Roz has been my producer for eight years. More than that, she is my…best friend. In fact, she’s the best friend I think I’ve ever had, besides my friends in Boston… and my brother Niles.”

            “I’m not going to lie, that sounds pretty dreary,” Lisa commented dryly.

            “Says the woman who is friends with Matthew Brock.”

            “Touche,” Lisa snickered. “So? What happened?”

            Frasier sighed deeply, almost dramatically. “A couple of months ago, we were forced to share a hotel room together during a conference. We had some champagne. Well, a lot of champagne. We…flirted.”

            “Oooh… I see where this is going.”

            “We almost kissed. Almost. But… Our boss, Kenny, interrupted us, he didn’t have a room either, so the three of us wound up sharing a room and Roz and I… We never talked about it.” Frasier paused. “I thought about it. I’ve thought about it a lot ever since then… About her. And just before…it happened, I tried to tell her how I felt, and…” He tried to throw up his hands in frustration but only managed to move his metal-ensconced arms an inch.

            Lisa was silent, her lips pursed together thoughtfully. “I came up here to tell him. Dave. I think, well, I thought… I was hoping he might have feelings for me, still. I hope.”

            “I think he does.”

            “Huh?” Lisa stared back in bemused disbelief.

            “You should have seen him at dinner when Roz was interrogating him,” Frasier explained, managing to smile. “God, he was so uncomfortable, I could just tell straight away that he’s still in love with you. I just think he’s too scared of what you might say in response, you know. Especially after what you just…told me.”

            “Really?” Lisa managed a small, hopeful smile. “How uncomfortable?”

            “Squirming like a worm on a hook. Which, I must say, seems like an almost appropriate metaphor for this situation.”

            “Oh, really? What would you call yours with Roz, huh?” Lisa smiled deviously. “Oh, wait, I know.”

            “There you are!” Nina popped out from behind Frasier, brandishing a rusty oil can. “Come on out into the hall, I can barely fit in here with you in that thing.”

            “Actually, Nina-“

            “You are not telling me that you’re giving up on that thing after the lengths I went to,” Nina seethed through a fake smile, sending a brief chill up Lisa’s spine. “Now, come, come.”

            Frasier shot Lisa a pleading look as he was dragged out into the open hallway, she giving him a brief wave before following them out. “Let’s hope they don’t mistake me for a can of green peas and put me under a giant can opener,” he said.

            “With the way you’re squawking? Heaven forbid,” Lisa chuckled.

Chapter Text

“Don, are you sure this plan is going to work?” Sally asked from her post besides the portly police officer.

            “What else can we do, Sally?” Don gestured to the buzzing energy dome above them. “We don’t have many options here.”

            “Ugh, I know, I know. This is our best chance at survival, but I would like to remind you, Don, that we are dealing primarily with civilians here. Civilians who will probably wet their pants at the first sign of combat, Don!”

            “Well, what do you suggest we do? Give them a crash starter’s course in strategic warfare?!”

            “Well, it would be a hell of a lot better than your ‘give everybody a weapon and pray to God that they know how to use it properly’ plan!”

            Mary and Nina were watching Don and Sally’s argument from the outdoor bar, suspiciously quiet as they finish their last drinks.

            “Dr. Albright,” Nina started as Mary started to rise.

            “Yes, Nina?”

            “Did you know?”

            The anthropology professor gave her secretary and good friend a very pointed look. “No, Nina. I did not know. And if Dick ‘Whatever the Hell His Real Name Is’ Solomon thinks he ‘s going to flatter and flirt his way out of this one, oh, he’s got another thing coming,” Mary chuckled darkly. “Oh, yes, a hell of a thing coming.”

            “Oooh, how scary,” Nina said, dead-pan, before her brow furrowed. “Uh-oh. Harry doesn’t look too good.”

            “If his name’s really Harry!”

            “Dr. Albright, look!”

            Mary rolled her eyes, grumbled a vicious curse and turned as Harry Solomon wobbled out onto the patio, moaning loudly and pressing his hands to his head. “Harry, are you okay?”

            “My head… Oooh, Sally…” Harry called out, waving weakly to Don and Sally, who now both fell quiet as they beheld their obviously aching friend.

            “Aw, crap, what now?” Sally threw her head back in frustration and marched over to Harry.

            “My skull’s vibrating…” Harry gazed pleadingly at those now gathered around him, now joined by a curious Frasier and Lisa, a perturbed Joe, a frowning Mr. James and a genuinely freaked out Max.

            Sally smacked her forehead with her palm. “Jesus Christ, I think it’s the transmitter in his head. It must have gotten shaken around when you collided with Mr. Stringbean over there,” she pointed towards an approaching Matthew, clad in the outfit of a baseball umpire, the mask currently lifted up.

            “What did I do?” Matthew asked innocently, always the last to understand any sort of conversation.

            “Shut up, I know how to fix this,” Sally barked as she picked up a nearby iron pipe and proceeded to smack it across the back of Harry’s head in one powerful blow, to the shock of everybody else, sans Don who just looked impressed. Harry smiled peacefully before falling bonelessly to the ground in a heap.

            “What the hell was that for, man? You could’ve killed him!” Joe cried out.

            “Eh, give him a minute, he’ll be fine,” Sally shrugged. “It was either that or wait until lightning starts bursting out of his ears and trust me, that’s not pretty.”

            Suddenly, Harry bounced back to his feet, purring effortlessly. “Oooh! Much better. Thanks, Sally!” Suddenly, a strange look came over his face as his body shuddered and he spread his arms wide, palms out, and he said in a strangely authoritative manner, “Incoming message from the Big Giant Head!”

            “Oh, great,” Sally’s shoulders sagged in exhaustion. “What now?”

            “Who’s this Big Giant Head of whom he speaks?” Max queried.

            “Our boss, now hush, I need to hear the message!” Sally smacked a hand over Max’s mouth, nearly pushing him back into Mr. James and Joe.

            “Attention, High Commander and friends: the evil superbeing known as Evil Dick has conquered our nearest ally, the planet of Nebulon 5, and is on his way to Earth with the intention of invading. Please, be on the lookout but do not confront him if you see him. Report back and we will come and handle it. That is all.” Then, as suddenly as it had come on, Harry’s whole body returned to his usual relaxed manner.

            Sally ran both her hands through her hair as she let loose an infuriated growl. “Damn bureaucrats! Where was this two hours ago, huh?!”

            “Typical,” Frasier agreed as he looked around. “Where in God’s name did Bulldog and Gil run off to?”

            “The bald guy and the guy in the suit?” Beth offered, appearing out of nowhere from behind Frasier and Lisa. “Last I saw them, they were cowering in the exercise room.”

            “What? I expected that from Gil, but Bulldog?” Frasier growled. “But, then again, Bulldog did once try to use Roz as a human shield when she was pregnant, so why am I surprised there?”

            “He what?!” Lisa gasped. “And you’re still friends with him?!”

            Frasier shrugged helplessly. “What can I say? The man’s hard to shake.”

Chapter Text

“Are we there yet?” Tommy moaned impatiently as they rounded yet another corner, down another darkened hall in the bowels of the blasted warship.

            “We’ll get there when we get there!” Dick snapped irritably.

            “You know, this would all go so much faster if you idiots would shut up!” Roz growled, dangerously close to strangling anyone and everyone in close proximity.

            “Roz, come on,” Dave said, ambling on beside her, almost unnervingly calm. “They’re just as bored as we are.”

            “Yes, you should be saving all that unholy rage for when we face that evil doppelganger of mine,” Dick commented.

            “Dick, what makes you think that uncontrolled rage would best overdramatic but nonetheless effective evil?” Tommy queried with a cheeky grin.

            “What makes you think it won’t?” Roz chuckled darkly.

            “Uh…” Kilroy spun around to face them, smiling nervously. “We have a bit of a problem…”

            “How much is a bit?” Dave frowned.

            “Armed guards… Laser defenses…” Kilroy counted her fingers. “Oh, and there’s a Decepticon too.”

            Dave’s face froze as he processed this specific information as Roz did a double take, her brow furrowing in confusion. Dick and Tommy just shared a mildly concerned look.

            “He has…a toy guarding the king?” Dave grimaced.

            “Oh, no,” Kilroy shook her head. “This is not a toy. It’s why we have to hurry.”

            “Why?” Roz raised an eyebrow skeptically.

            “Because these Decepticons, whatever the hell they are on Earth, are what King Dorkus upstairs is going to use to conquer your planet with, and believe me, it will not be pretty,” Kilroy explained.

            “Again, why?” Roz repeated forcefully, stamping her foot.

            Kilroy motioned for them to gaze around the corner with her. They did so…and felt a rather large chunk of their shared rage, bravery and determination wilt in the face of fear.

            “Oh, my God, we are all going to die,” Roz moaned softly.

            “Dick, I’m not exactly sure how this came to be, but I blame you for this,” Tommy said as Dick made a sour, high-pitched squeak in his throat and Dave turned away and started banging his head against the wall.

            King Marvin, a gray-haired figure dressed in an obsequious orange jumpsuit, sat stoically within a large cage formed by several angular laser beams. Two guards sat nearby, whispering nervously and shooting concerned glances to the large, hulking thing pacing evenly across the room. Humanoid in form but entirely mechanical in origin, it was clear that Evil Dick had been particularly inspired by the classic Transformers toy line in the conception of this singular monstrosity.

            “I have to agree with Tommy on this one, Dick,” Roz spat furiously, “this is your fault.”

            Dick ignored her and turned to Kilroy. “Mom, please tell me that you have a plan for this.”

            “Oh, I do,” Kilroy said.

            Everyone else sighed a breath of relief.

            “For those two guards,” Kilroy added sheepishly. “I have no idea what to do about that thing, though.”

            Everyone else groaned and sighed in defeat.

Chapter Text

A few minutes later, the group had retreated back a ways to regroup. “Ugh… What are they doing?” Roz groaned, cocking an eyebrow in the direction of Dick and Kilroy, who sat down the hall, sitting on the ground cross-legged and facing each other but with their eyes closed.

            Tommy, sitting with his legs drawn up beneath his chin, responded, “Oh, I gave up on guessing what goes on in Dick’s mind long, long ago… And if his mother’s anything like him, then, well, it’s futile…”

            Dave was on Tommy’s right, head leaned up against the wall, looking pensive. As Roz shot Dick and Kilroy another quizzical glare, Tommy turned to Dave. “Penny for your thoughts, man? You look kind of…eh.”

            “Hmm.” Dave grunted, shutting his eyes tightly.

            “Hmm.” Tommy repeated thoughtfully. “Lemme guess, you thinking about Lisa?”

            Dave opened one eye, yet didn’t move a muscle, saying nothing.

            “I think I’ll take that as a ‘yes’,” Tommy snickered, nudging his elbow with his own. “So, come on. Spill the beans. What did you do wrong?”

            Dave jumped to his feet and glared down at the snarky youth. “What makes you think I did something wrong?!”

            “From the time spent here on Earth, in the body of this extremely hormonal teenage male,” Tommy explained, smarmily grinning, “I have discovered that it is usually the male whose actions, whether they be juvenile or mature, cause a romantic relationship to end…prematurely.”

            “You’re a teenager. Nearly all relationships at that age fail. Most of the time it is the boy’s fault,” Dave emphasized snappily. “I am a grown adult. There is a distinct difference between the two!”

            “Not much, dude, you really look like you could be a teenager,” Tommy laughed.

            Dave inhaled through his nostrils sharply. “I am thirty-three years old, you cocky little-“

            “And yet you’re single,” Tommy calmly pointed out. “Painfully so. I can tell.”

            Dave seethed, flexing his fingers out from the fist he hadn’t realized he had formed.

            “I’ll tell you why he’s like that,” Roz said. “This Lisa he’s thinking about? She’s married. To someone else. He’s in love with a married woman and because of his rigid attachment to ‘traditional’ courting, he feels like he can’t do anything about it,” she continued, despite the furious glares coming from Dave.

            “Oooh,” Tommy winced. “That bad, then!”

            “Roz,” Dave started, growling through clenched teeth.

            “Oh, come off it, Dave!” Roz turned back towards them. “Dave, you can try to deny it all you want, but you love her, you’ve always loved her, and it is killing you that she is married to that Johnny Johnson idiot-“

            “Johnny Johnson? What kind of name is that?” Tommy interrupted briefly. “He sounds like a kindergartner.”

            “Hmph. More like a Bond villain if you ask me,” Dave rolled his eyes.

            “As I was saying,” Roz jabbed an index finger into a befuddled Dave’s chest. “It is killing you that she is married to that Johnny Johnson moron and not you.”

            “And let me guess, he has no one to blame but himself, right?” Tommy guessed.

            “Right!” Roz nodded vigorously.

            Dave threw his hands up in exasperation. “You think I don’t know that?! I know damn well that I royally screwed up, cousin!”

            “Then why didn’t you ever do anything about it then?!” Roz practically screeched, jolting Tommy out of his skin and drawing Dick and Kilroy’s perturbed glances.

            “Because she doesn’t want me, damn it!” Dave yelled back. “She…she doesn’t want me. Okay? I screwed up, I panicked and screwed up, and now all she wants a six-foot five criminal mastermind, oh, I’m sorry, a reformed but currently incarcerated criminal mastermind who just swooped in and-and swept her off her feet, for lack of a better term!”

            Roz and Tommy shared a thoughtful but somewhat confused look. “I’m sorry, did you say incarcerated criminal mastermind?” The teenager said.

            “Reformed?” Roz’s brow furrowed in confusion.

            “Don’t ask,” Dave growled, “long story.”

            “Don’t worry,” Tommy said, winking at Roz, “we’ll get the full story later.”

            “What is going on here?” Kilroy demanded as she and Dick rejoined the group. “Don’t you all think we should be fucking quiet?!”

            “Sorry about that, I’m just telling my cousin what an idiot he’s been,” Roz smiled sweetly.

            “Oh, is he have woman troubles?” Dick asked innocently. “Yes, those can be quite troublesome. But thank God, my Mary’s so understanding…”

            “I wonder how understanding she’s going to be about the fact that you’re an alien, Dick,” Tommy reminded him.

            “Oh, God, don’t remind me,” Dick shook his head wearily before noticing the broken look on Dave’s face. “Dave, might I give you some advice?”

            “It depends,” Dave replied sullenly. “How asinine is it going to be?”

            Dick blinked in surprise. “Hopefully, not at all… Dave, I think you should take a chance. Tell this woman how you feel, be honest with her. Even if it doesn’t go the way you want or hope for it to go, at least you won’t go through life wondering about all the what ifs. At least…she’ll know how you really feel, and you’ll know… Well. You’ll know.”

            There was a long, heavy silence as more than one person contemplated Dick Solomon’s words – Roz stared down at her feet, suddenly hugging herself as Dave rubbed the back of his neck. “That…was surprisingly insightful, Dick,” Dave chuckled weakly.

            “Yes,” murmured Roz, “very.”

            Kilroy waited for about a minute as everyone fell silent again before speaking up. “So, is all the emotional stuff done for now? Because I believe that Dick and I have formulated a plan!”

            “A plan?” Tommy asked in disbelief. “What kind of plan?”

            Dick smiled arrogantly. “Oh, nothing but the very best, dear Tommy. The very best.”

            “Oooh,” Dave snickered, “I think I like this.”

            “This is going to end in tears,” Roz shook her head, fully exhausted as everyone stood up and gathered around in a huddle, as Kilroy began to outline the details of hers and Dick’s plan…

Chapter Text

1) Blue - Eiffel 65
2) Space Jam - Quad City DJ’s
3) Angel - Aerosmith
4) What Does It Take - Honeymoon Suite
5) Wherever Would I Be - Cheap Trick
6) For You I Will - Monica
7) Last Flight Out - Plus One
8) Dancing in the Street - Myra
9) I’ll Be Your Everything - Youngstown
10) We Will Rock You - Queen

Chapter Text

“I was wrong. This is by the far the stupidest plan that anyone, on any planet, has ever come up with,” Dave grumbled as he and Tommy took their prearranged places.

            “It’s definitely on my top ten list of potentially disastrous plans,” Tommy said. “All of them made up by Dick, mind you.”

            “What, your pals Sally and Harry don’t get any input?”

            Tommy shuddered in the dark behind Dave. “God, no, not Harry! Sally, now she’s a soldier, she’s actually very good at plans… Dick just always pulled rank before so we never get to see what she’s plotting up. Until now. Earth has made her very belligerent.”

            “That’s too bad, she sounds almost competent.”

            There was a brief pause before Tommy spoke again. “You know, I think you’re wrong. About Lisa, that is.”

            “Hmm?” Dave turned his head only slightly to gaze at Tommy sideways.

            “You’re wrong. I think she does still…you know…care about you,” Tommy said. “I mean, if she didn’t, she wouldn’t have come all the way down here for your birthday, right?”

            “Ah,” Dave moved his jaw around slowly. “Ah.”

            “And you weren’t the only one I noticed when we were abducted. If anything, she was absolutely terrified about what was happening to you, and not in the way a simple friend would, you know.”

            Dave gave Tommy an even, almost bemused stare. “Christ, you are an old man, aren’t you?”

            “Again, I’m older than Dick, so yes.”

            From somewhere behind them, Kilroy hissed, “Shut up, shut up, shut up! God, all you Earthlings are so chatty…”

            “Well, excuse us for being nervous,” Roz said from next to Kilroy.

            “Guys, would you please focus and listen to Mom,” Dick whined, “timing is crucial here!”

            This? This is timing?! Dave thought. “More like wishful thinking.”

            “Well, you know the old saying, Dave, “When You Wish Upon a Star, Anything Your Heart Desires Will Come to You’,” Tommy chuckled.

            “Oh, everyone shut up and let’s get this catastrophe over with,” Roz moaned.

…

            The plan began with something inanely simple – Dave threw a random piece of metal in front of where the guards sat, to garner their attention.

            It worked. Unsurprisingly.

            The two guards jumped up from where they had been sitting, shakily bringing up their pistol-like weapons. Blasters? Phasers? Oh, God, I think they’re actual phasers, Dave dumbly realized. Oh, sweet God, when did my life become Star Trek?

            In the few precious seconds of initial surprise, they attacked – Dave and Tommy leapt out of the shadows and plowed into the flabbergasted guards, knocking them both out cold with well-placed blows to their heads. Both fell back to the floor awkwardly, as Dave and Tommy picked up their weapons.

            The Decepticon, naturally, saw the incident – sensed it via its built-in sensors.

            Kilroy had planned for it – she, Roz and Dick ran out of the tunnel, heading right for the ten-foot tall abomination. Kilroy carried a long, sharpened piece of sleep metal piping, while Roz and Dick started to weave their way around the monstrosity towards the cage where King Marvin watched them stoically.

            The Decepticon’s eyes – if they could be called that – turned red, pulsating and glowing. There was a hissing in the air, menacing and sinister. It swived its head around, settling on Roz.

            “Kilroy, if you’re going to do something, do it!” Roz yelled as she sped up.

            Kilroy stopped and threw the makeshift spear at the robot’s head with all her might as Dave and Tommy took careful, quick aim. The spear missed the center of the ‘forehead’, slamming instead into the right eye, red electricity sparking out in violent outbursts. Dave and Tommy fired their phasers, aiming for the gaping hole as the Decepticon turned its attention on the being who had injured it, swiping downwards at Kilroy.

            “Mom!” Dick cried out. “Look out!”

            The phaser blasters blew through the Decepticon’s mechanical wound, blowing apart the head in a shower of metal and fire. The body stiffened before the limbs went limp and fell backwards, falling apart as it hit the floor, sending debris scattering everywhere.

            Kilroy had deftly avoided the Decepticon’s blow but had slipped and slid across the floor as the robot destructed, her right foot colliding awkwardly with the right wall hard. She screamed in pain. “Goddamn it!” She screeched, clutching at her knee.

            “Christ!” Dave cursed as he and Tommy ran over to join Dick to help Kilroy, while Roz continued to the cage, holding the same key that Kilroy had used to free them earlier.

            “Dear God! Mom, are you okay?!” Dick whimpered frantically as he and Tommy knelt beside her, Dave standing guard.

            “Earthling bodies are so fucking fragile, it’s insane,” Kilroy muttered through clenched teeth. She then eyed Dave with a crafty gleam in her eye and managed a grin. “Stupidest plan ever thought of, huh?”

            Dave shrugged, eyeing the shattered remnants of the Decepticon skeptically. “What can I say? Turns out I’ve been wrong on a lot of things today…”

Chapter Text

“How’s the leg…? Can you move it?” Dave asked Kilroy as he bent down beside her. She was struggling to sit up with Dick supporting her, groaning in pain.

            “Gah! No, i-it’s b-broken…Shit,” she cursed. “Hey, one of you, go open the cage and free His Highness…”

            “Done and done,” Roz reported as she ran up to the group, followed by the concerned looking King Marvin.

            “By Hazar! Kilroy, are you all right?” King Marvin asked, bending down next to her.

            “I’m fine, sire, thank you for asking. Oh!” Kilroy nodded to a hovering, nervous-looking Dick and grinned through the pain. “Your Highness, this is my son, Dick Solomon, his crewmate Tommy Solomon, and our friends Roz Doyle and Dave Nelson.”

            “It is a pleasure to meet all of you,” King Marvin bowed his head slightly. “Especially you, Dick. You are very much as your mother described you.”

            “Really?” Tommy’s face scrunched up in bewilderment.

            “I would like to thank all of you for saving me. But the work is not done yet. We have to stop Hasdrubal before he conquers the Earth.”

            Everyone stared back blankly.

            “Umm… I’m sorry, but who is this…Hasdrubal you speak of?” Dick asked.

            “The being who has usurped my throne,” King Marvin explained calmly, in a matter of fact tone. “The one who calls himself the Emperor of the Universe. His real name is Hasdrubal.”

            The silence that followed seemed to last forever… Until everyone, save for a perplexed King Marvin, broke out into hysterical laughter, doubling over and clutching their sides.

            “What? What did I say…?” King Marvin looked around in confusion.

Chapter Text

It was as if time had stopped.

            Throughout the trapped city of Rutherford, everyone remained where they were, waiting, waiting anxiously, for the coming invasion. The deadline had come and gone, and now the makeshift army, stationed as strategically possible according to Officer Don Orville, weapons at the ready. Well, what amounted to weapons. Gil Chesterton and Bulldog Briscoe were bouncing on their heels, brandishing weedwhackers as they hid in the doorway of a local bar. Harry and Matthew had been given command of some local college students, including those who had studied under Dick Solomon: Bug Pollone, Aubrey Pitman, Caryn and even poor, poor Leon, who weren't exactly surprised to discover the origins of the strangest teacher that they had ever had.

            Lisa Miller had borrowed two artifacts from Dr. Mary Albright’s personal collection, a spear and a curved scimitar – honestly, she had been dying to know the stories behind them, but Mary was too angry and hungover and the invasion too imminent for her to ask. Now she stood beneath the front portico of the Rutherford Inn, hair pulled back into a severe French braid, next to poor Frasier Crane, locked firmly into his suit of armor, who peered at the blue, buzzing skies above nervously. Mary herself was prowling behind them, grumbling about a lack of aspirin and taking a frying pan to Dick’s forehead – the same frying pan that she carried in one hand.

            “I’m starting to think I should have downed a couple of gallons of liquor like Mary did,” Frasier said. “If you hear a series of little metallic tings, those will be my knees colliding with my knee guards.”

            “If you hear brittle rattling, those are my knees,” Lisa muttered, shoving a stray strand of dark hair out of her face. “God, why don’t they just beam down and get this over with? The anticipation is killing me!”

            “That’s exactly what he wants, the egotistical dumbass!” Mary purred dangerously. “Put us off our guard and when we’re not looking… BAM!” She slammed a fist down upon an outstretched palm, startling both Lisa and Frasier.

            “You sobered up rather fast, Mary,” Frasier said. “That hotel coffee must really pack a punch, huh?”

            “No, I’m just at my most aggressive when I’ve got a high alcohol level in my blood,” Mary groaned. “I’d admire the bastard’s cunning, if he wasn’t going to invade the planet and destroy us all.”

            “Okay, is everyone out here ready?” Don whispered urgently as he came out the front doors – dressed like a commando, all in black with a Kevlar vest at least two sizes too small for his wide girth, his cheeks streaked with lines of black paint, a la Rambo, hand on his hip over his holstered gun.

            “Yes, Mr. Stallone, we’re good,” Mary rolled her eyes. “God, Don, if you look like that, I’m not sure I want to know what Sally looks like.”

            As if magically summoned, Sally strode out behind Don confidently – she was dressed in a skimpy camouflage outfit, sleeves and legs torn off, brandishing a shovel.

            “Don, come on! We have to get up to the roof! Remember? VANTAGE POINT!”

            “Yeah, yeah, I’m coming, Sal!”

            “Yo, yo, people!” Mr. James waddled up, a spaghetti strainer on his head and a makeshift breastplate made out of empty, unused gas containers. He was followed by a barechested Joe, Beth bundled up in pillows taped to her torso, arms and legs, and finally Max, dressed in a Roman gladiator costume with a very real pitchfork.

            “Oh, dear God,” Lisa murmured.

            “Yeah, Don, where did you guys want us to be?” Beth asked, her voice small and muffled.

            “Eh, you guys can stay here and back up Lisa, Mary and Sir Galahad here,” Don instructed.

            “And Matthew and Harry are still inside, watching those out of towner Scouts?”

            “Yup. Good thing too, then they’ll be out of the way. Hopefully,” Lisa added, shaking her head. “Hopefully.”

            Everyone assented.

            Then the sky started blinking crazily, flashing multiple colors, and a buzzing rattled the air… Everyone closed their eyes, blinded. Then a voice laughed wickedly.

            “Well, Rutherford? Are you ready for The End?!”

            Lisa opened her eyes slowly to find a large silver rocket barreling down on her, surrounded by a halo of small projectiles speeding through the air. Then there was a tremendous roar engulfing all the yells and screams of those around her, then Lisa felt a brief wave of overwhelming, relentless heat and then there was darkness.

Chapter Text

“Ah, do you hear that? The sweet, sweet sounds of destruction! Ah, how marvelous!” Evil Dick giggled in utter delight from his throne, watching the chaos unfold on the giant screen before him.

            “What destruction? You just sent a volley over their heads and blew a giant crater in that golf course,” said a nearby technician.

            “Ah! But that roof, the hotel roof, it is on fire! That’s destruction!” Evil Dick gloated. “Now… Let’s show them what our Decepticons can do, huh…? Oh. Oh, my, yes. There you are…!”

            “Umm… sir?” The technician raised an eyebrow curiously. “Are you…all right?”

            “Your name is Helmut, yes?”

            “Um…yes.”

            “Do me a favor, beam up that pretty redhead for me, will you? The one just next to the hotel with the roof on fire.”

            “Uh…Okay, sure. It might take a couple of minutes, I need to refocus the transistor beam…”

            “Perfect… Soon my perfect empire will be complete, with the perfect empress by my side…” Evil Dick grinned evilly, tenting his fingers in ascending anticipation.

            The technician rolled his eyes and went about typing instructions into the computer…

            “Say, where on earth did Kilroy go?”

Chapter Text

As consciousness returned, Lisa’s whole body was wracked with pain as she started coughing heavily, her eyes watering from the black haze descending from above. She rolled over onto her stomach and pushed herself up, looking around through the gloom for her friends.

            “Sound off if you’re not dead, people!” Somewhere in the dark, Don croaked out. A cacophonic chorus of cries was the response. Lisa staggered to her feet, helping up the person next to her, Mary, who hissed as she was hauled to her feet and led out of the smoke.

            “Jesus fucking Christ, that bastard!” Mary spat as the others followed them out, coughing and hacking. “Oh, God, Lisa, honey, are you okay?” She asked, noticing a patch of bright red along the side of Lisa’s face.

            “Just a…a burn, ow, I’m fine,” Lisa coughed, wincing. “Oh, shit, Frasier! Where the hell is Frasier?!”

            A harsh screeching drew Lisa and Mary’s attention to the man in question, crawling on the ground, the edges of his armor glowing a dull red. “For God’s sake, get me out of this…!” He begged.

            Risking burned fingers, Lisa, Don and Mary pried Frasier out of his slightly melted armor. Other than some painful burns covering his body, he was relatively all right.

            “The…suit…of…armor…was a mistake,” Frasier panted, squinting upwards, his face and forehead a bright tomato red. “Oh, I swear, I shall never eat lobster again…”

            “Uh, guys?” Beth squeaked fearfully, pointing down the road towards the blue beams bursting from the skies, to the dark forms within…

            “Oh, God!” Lisa cried. “Like things can get any worse!”

            Robots. Giant, ten-feet tall robots, heavily armored, marching down Main Street, bashing in store windows, destroying cars, people running and screaming away from them, as more columns of smoke began rising upwards.

            “Oh, apparently, they can,” Beth whimpered.

            Lisa turned towards her and gaped in horror. Beth was hovering in the air, trapped in a tractor beam, wriggling her limbs helplessly.

            “Beth!” Out of the corner of her eye, Lisa saw Mr. James still sprawled over a growling Joe and Max, Frasier struggling to stand, Don and Sally barking orders.

            She was the only one close enough to Beth.

            Split-second decision. Lisa took a deep breath – and jumped. She wrapped her arms around Beth’s legs and held on for dear life, silently praying that she would be enough to pull Beth back to the ground. She was wrong. They began to ascend…

            “Jeez, Lisa,” Beth flapped her arms frantically.

            “I’m sorry, Beth, it was an idea!”

            Frasier finally saw what was happening. Horror transfixed his features. “Dear God! Lisa! Beth!”

            He reached up, grabbing Lisa’s foot…

…

            “Helmut! Why isn’t the tractor beam working?!”

            “I-I’m not sure, sir…! It seems there’s…not enough power…?”

            “THEN INCREASE THE POWER!!”

            “Y-yes, s-sir…”

…

            As Frasier grabbed hold of Lisa’s foot to try to bring her and Beth back down, the tractor beam seemed to pulsate with even more energy than before.

            “Oh, fuck-“ Lisa screamed.

            “Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!” Beth shrieked.

            “Oh, God!” Frasier whined.

            Then they shot up into the sky, disappearing in a white flash of light.

…

            “Aw, great!” Mr. James sighed mournfully. “Now they’ve got Lisa, Beth and that Crane fella…”

            “Oh, God, Johnny’s not going to like that,” Max moaned. “Jeez, Jimmy, I think you broke my ribs…”

            “I feel like you’re the only one who actually cares about something that this Lisa girl very obviously does not care about,” Sally said, helping Max up effortlessly.

            “Speaking of that six-foot-three giant, where is Johnny…?” Joe looked around, frowning.

            “Right here,” the man seemed to pop up out of nowhere, virtually unharmed. “Where’s Lisa?”

            Everybody pointed upwards, deadpan.

            “Ah. Well, that sucks.” Johnny shook his head. “How am I supposed to win back the love of my life when she’s been abducted by aliens?”

            “To be fair, as I understand it, she doesn’t want you to win her back,” Sally continued, eyeing the taller man suspiciously. “She’s in love with that Dave guy, am I right?”

            “Right,” Mr. James and Joe nodded together.

            “See? Why beat a dead horse?” Sally said.

            Johnny laughed. “As I see it, there’s a darn good chance Dave’s not making out of this alive. Henceforth, I have a chance.”

            “You realize there’s a good chance none of us are going to make it out of this alive?” Sally glared.

            Johnny shrugged. “Eh. Tomato, to-may-to.”

            “Will you people shut up?! We’ve got bigger problems to worry about than this Johnny dumbo stalking his ex!” Mary yelled boisterously.

            “We do?” Don, the police officer, frowned quizzically.

            “Umm, yes! Look!” Joe cried. “Robot army on the event horizon!”

            The goliaths were bearing down, hulking, looming shadows, ready for destruction.

            “Everyone scatter!” Sally barked. “Don, go tell those morons to get those kids and everyone else in the hotel as far away from here as possible!”

            “Yes, ma’am!” Don cried, saluting as he ran back into the building as everyone else started running for their lives.

Chapter Text

“Okay, first things first!” Kilroy said, leaning up against the wall as Tommy and Dave made a brace for her leg out of thin, blunt pieces of metal and torn strips of Dave’s shirt, leaving him in the white t-shirt he had been wearing underneath.

            “Let me guess. Discuss the fact that Dave is surprisingly ripped?” Tommy joked with a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows.

            “Well, obviously, yes,” Kilroy leered jokingly herself.

            “If you two don’t shut up, I will smack your heads together like coconuts,” Dave said through gritted teeth.

            “The man cannot take a compliment,” Dick snickered.

            “Oh, Roz? Help?” Dave asked far too sweetly.

            Roz shook her head. “Sorry, Davey, you’re on your own.”

            “Kilroy, what were you going to say before?” Dave asked, rolling his eyes.

            “Oh, yeah… We absolutely must get to the bridge. That’s where the Royal Jackass has the controls for the Decepticons. We take them out, we take him out.”

            “Excellent strategy, Kilroy,” King Marvin nodded affably. “And now that I am free, the rest of our people should abandon him.”

            “Then it’s official! We’ve won!” Dick cheered triumphantly as he, Roz, Tommy and Kilroy started chanting the tune to “La Cucaracha”, as King Marvin looked on quizzically and Dave smirked knowingly.

            “I wouldn’t be too sure about that, Dick!”

            Everyone turned their heads sharply in the direction of the cold, viciously pleased voice that had appeared out of nowhere. Evil Dick preened proudly as he marched out of the darkness of the entrance tunnel, followed by a squadron of humanoid-sized bots. “Oh, Dick, I should have known that you would have escaped,” he purred, approaching his prey. “Of course, I was also expecting total and complete loyalty from the people under my rule!” He glared menacingly towards Kilroy, who made a sour sort of smile in return.

            “The time has come for your surrender, Hasdrubal,” King Marvin announced authoritatively, to the amused snickers of the others at the use of the Evil Dick’s real name. “As you can see, I am free. My people need not follow you anymore.”

            “Oooh, King Marvin is free, how scary! Blah!” Evil Dick taunted, blowing raspberries. “Do you all take me for a fool?!”

            “Well,” the heroes started in unison.

            “DON’T ANSWER THAT,” Evil Dick spun on his heels dramatically. “You see, I’m not worried at all. You, all of you, are going to walk into that cage and let my grand designs come to fruition.

            “Ha!” Tommy chortled confidently. “And why would we do that, asswipe?!”

            Evil Dick sneered, ignored him, and turned to Dave, a sinister smirk on his face, sending shivers up to the shorter man’s spine. “You know, I examined all your personal effects when you were brought on board. Mr. Nelson’s wallet proved most illuminating.”

            “Oh?” Dave crossed his arms, glaring back. “Deciding to try out identity theft, are we?”

            “Oh, no. Well, yes, I was researching you, but not to use your measly Earth funds for my own gain.”

            “Would you mind getting to the point? My hot-tempered cousin is starting to get antsy, and when that happens, there’s a strong chance she’s going to rip someone’s head off, no matter if its one of your guys or one of ours,” Dave smirked snarkily.

            Evil Dick’s grin seemed to grow wider with dark intent. “Mr. Nelson, I personally promise you that if you do not get King Marvin and the rest of these freaks into that cage over there, someone will definitely lose their head. Someone very precious to you…”

            A deep knot of dread formed in Dave’s stomach. “I… I beg your pardon?”

            “Ah, I see that you do not yet comprehend. See, Dave – can I call you Dave? See, Dave, the most remarkable thing happened. We picked up a couple of more humans a little while ago, and the most amazing coincidence happened-“

            “Oh, please, just cut to the chase already,” Dave interrupted with a groan.

            “No, you let me finish, you little pipsqueak,” Evil Dick bent down and practically came nose to nose with Dave. Then he stiffened and smiled as if he had just come up with a brilliant idea. “You know, on second thought, why tell you….when I can show you?”

            Evil Dick cackled triumphantly as he snapped his fingers and beckoned to his henchmen behind him. Curious, Dave peered beyond him as the first line of mechanical soldiers parted… Then he paled visibly as a look of horror came over his features, and a miserable croak escaped his lips.

            “Oh, dear God, no…”

            For standing in between two guards with a sinister curved blade at her neck was a terrified Lisa Miller.

Chapter Text

As much as the very sharp blade dangerously close to slicing her throat open terrified her down to her very core, Lisa couldn’t help but feel a burst of joy at seeing Dave alive. He’s alive, oh, thank God, he’s alive. She managed a small smile. “H-hi, Dave… Happy birthday?”

            Dave laughed, despite the situation. “Thanks, Lisa. You really shouldn’t have…”

            “Okay, enough of this lovey-dovey schmuck! It’s decision time, lover boy!” Evil Dick slammed a flat palm down onto Dave’s black roughly, sending him staggering down onto one knee with an aggravated, pained growl.

            “Hey! Leave him alone!” Lisa yelled angrily.

            “Oh, that is it, buddy!” Roz stood ready to pounce like a ravenous lioness, teeth bared. “Hurt my cousin and you deal with me, bud!”

            “Oh, cool your jets, hotrod. It’s David’s turn for important decision making. Well, Mr. Nelson? What will it be?” Evil Dick sneered arrogantly. “Save the universe…or save her?”

            Suddenly, the blade started to dig into her skin. “Ah,” Lisa gasped, straining her head back fearfully. “Dave, Dave, don’t do it-!”

            “Tick, tick, Dave,” Evil Dick threatened.

            “FINE! I’LL DO IT, I’LL GET THEM TO SURRENDER! JUST LET HER GO!” Dave roared ferociously, lunging towards Evil Dick. Smiling smugly, the self-professed Emperor of the Universe deftly hoisted him up by the collar of his t-shirt and threw him violently back into Dick and Tommy, sending all three to the ground in a mound of agonized groans.

            “Dave!” Lisa screamed.

            “Ow! What the hell, man? I think you broke some of my ribs,” Tommy coughed out.

            “Forget your ribs, I think he shattered what I think is my collarbone. Or my coccyx, I’m in so much pain I can’t tell…” Dick whimpered.

            “All right, then. Mr. Nelson has obviously made his decision. Right…?” Evil Dick gloated malevolently.

            Dave scowled as he and the others picked themselves off of the floor with Roz’s help. “Come on, guys…”

            The others shared a pensive look but followed Dave back to the cage.

            “We were so close…” Kilroy complained as Tommy and Roz carried her over.

            “It was a most valiant effort,” King Marvin said.

            “Dave, if we live through this, I am going to kill you, not Dick,” Tommy grumbled. “Or the both of you. I’m not sure yet.”

            “Oh, leave him alone, any one of us would have done the same thing,” Roz said.

            They filed into the cage one by one. Once they were all inside, Evil Dick couldn’t help but gloat some more. “Oh, I just love it when a plan comes together!”

            Dave cleared his throat loudly. “Ahem. Aren’t you…forgetting someone?”

            Evil Dick looked back towards Lisa – she was still sandwiched between two guards, but the threatening blade was gone, leaving a thin, bleeding cut along the side of her neck. “Ah, yes,” he purred, “I guess a deal is a deal. Here.” He waved off the guards and then pushed her roughly inside the cage.

            “Ow!” Lisa winced, nearly falling to the ground before Dave caught her, holding her close. Their eyes met and neither one said a word.

            “Gee, Hasdrubal,” Roz spat acidly. “You have such a way with the ladies. Tell me, how are you still single?”

            “Oh? Finally realizing what a catch I am? Well, too bad, sister! I’ve already got an Empress all lined up! HA!”

            “Oh, God, this is hell,” Tommy shook his head wearily.

            “You’re kidding!” Dick exclaimed boisterously.

            “Dear God, that poor, poor woman,” Roz continued her teasing. “How’d you manage to trick her into it? Placed a lonely hearts ad in all the local newspapers?”

            “No, I abducted her, plain and simple,” Evil Dick declared.

            Dave’s eyes suddenly bugged out in horror as a terrible assumption came to him. He turned towards Lisa. “Oh, God, no-!”

            “Relax, Davey boy,” Evil Dick interrupted. “I have someone much more…vivacious in mind.”

            “Hey,” Lisa objected. “I am just as vivacious as Beth!”

            “Beth?!” Dave sputtered. “She’s here?!”

            “Be calm, the lovely Beth is fine. She is awaiting me in the throne room, being prepared for our nuptials. Which reminds me… I should be going,” he giggled, turning his back towards them. “I’ll be sure to have both the invasion and the wedding played out for you all to watch… After all, even the damned need some entertainment… MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!”

            His sinister laughter echoed throughout the chamber as he and his guards marched out of sight, leaving the prisoners alone and, for the moment, silent.

Chapter Text

“Well, this is just great!” Tommy exclaimed, throwing his hands up in frustration. “Just perfect!”

            “I am so sorry, Your Highness,” Kilroy apologized, propping herself up on her elbows. “I failed.”

            “It was not your fault, Kilroy.” King Marvin sat beside her, still stoic. “Nor was it any of our faults. Hasdrubal is truly a most cunning personage.”

            “Eh, I still say I should beat the crap out of Dave for this,” Tommy grumbled. “Or Dick. Or the both of you!”

            “Don’t be foolish, Tommy. With his pronounced muscles, Dave could take you quite easily in hand-to-hand combat,” Dick waved him off.

            “What is with you people and my cousin’s muscles?” Roz stared at them in disbelief.

            “What can I say? The guy’s attractive,” Dick grinned.

            “What the hell is wrong with…whatever you people are?” Lisa sputtered in befuddlement.

            “I have learned not to ask that particular question,” Dave replied wearily.

            Lisa’s eyes flickered down to where Dave’s arms were still wrapped around her protectively. The corners of her lips twitched upwards with barely contained pleasure. She did her best to be nonchalant about it. “Um…Dave?”

            He turned towards her, blue eyes full of care and concern. “Yes, Lisa?”

            She blinked. “Oh, to hell with it,” she muttered right before she grabbed his head and kissed him hungrily, passionately. His eyes seemed to bug out of his skull in surprise. King Marvin raised an eyebrow on his otherwise neutral face. Roz’s mouth dropped wide open as both Dick and Kilroy gasped loudly and melodramatically. Tommy grinned cheekily as Dave responded instantly and kissed her back with as much fire.

            Tommy leaned forwards as close as he could and chirped, “Oh, yes, Dave. She doesn’t want you, she’s completely over you, doesn’t miss you at all…”

            Dave and Lisa harmoniously lifted their free hands and promptly gave the laughing Tommy the bird, never once breaking contact.

Chapter Text

“What kind of fashion sense do you think you have?!” Beth screeched in digust, looking down at her new outfit, then back up at Evil Dick, who beamed arrogantly. “This is so…so…bland!” The floor-length, sleek dress was white and, to Beth’s horror, incredibly plain.

            “On the contrary, my love, I think you look most fetching,” Evil Dick grinned, humming in delight. “Oh, our wedding is going to be absolutely divine… It will be the talk of the universe, the absolute talk!”

            “That’s ironic, considering how pitiful this dress is, man,” Beth rolled her eyes, tapping a foot irritably. “And by the way, I don’t remember saying yes to your proposal. Hell, you didn’t even propose!”

            “Who needs a proposal when you’re going to be the Empress of the Universe?! Now, Kelvin! Where are you?! We need to talk seating arrangements for the reception now!”

            Beth hung her head low, groaning. “This cannot end well…”

…

            “How long have they been making out?” Kilroy asked in utter amazement, watching Dave and Lisa, who were still locked in their passionate embrace.

            “My estimate would be twenty minutes,” Roz shrugged.

            “Why do I get the distinct feeling that you are an expert in this sort of thing?” Tommy asked her, cocking his head to the side questioningly.

            “Watch it, pipsqueak,” Roz glowered back. “I’ve eaten bigger fish than you for breakfast, lunch and dinner!”

            “Big fish like that Frasier guy?” Tommy retorted.

            “Why, you little-“

            “Oh, my God!” Lisa pulled away from a startled Dave with a horrified yelp. “Frasier! Oh, my God!”

            “What? What about him?” Dave panted before silently realizing that Lisa had bit his lip.

            “Yeah, what about him?!” Roz demanded, stomping over.

            “He was with us! With me and Beth!” Lisa babbled worriedly. “I grabbed onto Beth, he grabbed on to me, a-and we were all – you know!” She jerked a finger upwards.

            “Wait, wasn’t he with you and Beth when you were captured by that asshole and his goons?” Dick asked.

            “N-no, I don’t know, he must have fallen off – oh, I don’t know what happened!” Lisa hyperventilated, covering his mouth with her hands.

            Roz’s hands made strangling motions as she started pacing around frantically. “Oh, nooo…. Oh, God, Frasier, you idiot!”

            “Okay, Roz, honey,” Kilroy said, “I know you’re kind of freaking out now, but-“

            “Freaking out?!” Roz raged. “No one knows what I am doing right now, or what I’m thinking!”

            “I’ve got an inkling,” Dick offered weakly.

            “So do I,” Tommy added way too cheerfully.

            “Me too…” Dave inched himself and Lisa away from his prowling, somewhat homicidal cousin. “Roz…”

            “No! You people don’t know Frasier like I do! He… He’s smart. And sweet. And stupidly naïve about so many things, I swear, sometimes I think he and that brother of his were actually born on an alien planet and rocketed here like Superman!”

            “How long is she going to rant on like this?” Lisa whispered conspiratorially to Dave as Roz started growling something primal and animalistic before starting to pace around frantically.

            Dave’s eyes looked haunted. “I have never seen her like this before… Hell, she could go on for days…”

            Tommy sidled over to Dave’s other side, looking bothered. “This may actually be worse than whatever Evil Dick’s got up his sleeve.”

            “Well, there is a reason some people in our hometown refer to her as ‘Riot Roz’…” Dave grimaced.

            “Oooh.” Lisa said. “I hope everybody down in Rutherford’s all right… Last time I saw Mr. James and everyone, killer robots were on the loose and that Don guy, Officer Orville, was in charge…”

            “Eh, that’s not so terrible, Don is an excellent officer,” Dick said. “He found the guy who stole my car radio.”

            “He was dressed like Rambo…” Lisa stressed explicitly.

            Dick and Tommy shared a look. “Oh,” the younger alien said. “Well, then, they’re all as screwed as we are.”

            Everyone murmured in assent.

Chapter Text

Dr. Frasier Crane regained consciousness to the rather bothersome sound of heavy footsteps pounding somewhere above or around his head. 

He sucked in air through his teeth as he stirred, his burns stinging painfully with every slow move that he made. Dear God... Why do I feel as Dad's been flipping me around on that damnable grill of his... 

After a brief period of soft moaning and groaning, he pushed himself up, his head swimming. Where... Where am I? 

He looked around - he stood, hunched over in a small space, pipes running along the walls, the interior darkened save for a dim, hazy light coming from a nearby shaft leading upwards at a forty five degree angle. He gazed upwards - there was a grate running along the ceiling, and he could make out forms moving above. 

"Daniel in the lion's den," he muttered, his gaze falling upon the yawning maw ahead. He stepped forward. 

I hope the girls are okay, he thought, remembering Lisa and Beth. Images flashed in his mind - being drawn upwards into the blinding light, his arms slipping from around Lisa's legs as they had entered a chamber, falling into darkness... Roz, Roz is somewhere on this ship. 

He took another step onwards. "If I hear screaming and yelling, I know that I'm going in the right direction..." 

Chapter Text

“Aaaahhhhhhhh!!!!”

            “You know, Matthew, if you stopped screaming, then maybe…the kids might just calm down!”

            “Harry, Matthew, will you morons just shut up and keep those kids quiet?! And where in hell did their escorts go?!”

            “I think they’re in the room next door, stress vomiting.”

            “Ugh. Thanks for the update, Nina.”

            “Only too pleased to help, Sally. Oh, where the-?! Don! What the hell happened to you?!”

            “I’m fine, I’m fine. One of those blasts blew out a window and nearly got me… I think that Bulldog fella has a concussion though.”

            “Oof. What happened to Gil?”

            “He’s okay, he hid under a table like a scared little girl…”

            “How dare you?! I was not hiding, I was – oh, for God’s sake, Bulldog, how are you conscious?! Go lie down!”

            “You’re not the boss of me, Gil!”

            The gymnasium of Pendleton University was crammed full with refugees while the self-professed Rutherford Defense Militia scrambled about, giving aid wherever they could while trying to formulate a counter-attack. As a reluctant Gil tended to a dizzy but still vocally explosive Bulldog, Matthew and Harry found themselves at the mercy of a group of frightened Boy Scouts from Cincinnati; Mary and Max were fluctuating between screaming in terror and keeping lookout for more refugees; Joe was working on an invention that he hoped to be a Hail Mary against the invaders; Jimmy was comforting a young family by making silly faces at the children; Johnny had disappeared somewhere, Sally really didn’t care where, and Nina was assisting Sally and Don on their rounds.

            The air was full of terse arguments and cries of terror and despair.

            In Sally’s case, though, every word that came out of her mouth was full of all consuming rage. “This cannot get any worse…!” She growled furiously, peering out a side window at the commons outside. “Oh, wait. There’s the crazy robot army. Damn. Yo, Joe! You finished with that damn contraption yet?!”

            “WORKING ON IT, SALLY!”

            “WELL, WORK FASTER!!!”

Chapter Text

Bang. Bang. Bang!

            “Umm, does anyone else hear that?” Tommy asked, staring straight up at the ceiling in utter confusion.

            Everyone followed his gaze just as a grate in the ceiling burst open and a large figure plummeted down with a bellowing cry of surprise – landing smack dab upon a bewildered Dick, nearly flattening him in the impact.

            “Bwak!” Dick gasped unintelligibly, squirming to crawl out from beneath the body on top of him. “For the love of God, man, haven’t you ever heard of a Thigh Blaster…?”

            “Dear Lord…” The figure moaned pitifully. “I…did not expect…that drop-off…”

            “FRASIER?!” Roz screeched in surprise, instantly rushing over to help him up. She gasped in horror at the burns covering his face and arms. “What the hell happened to you?!”

            “Yeah, man, did you get dropped in a pot of boiling water?!” Tommy cringed.

            “Close enough, he was wearing a suit of armor when the robots came,” Lisa said as she, Dave and everyone else – save for Kilroy, still sitting on the ground – gathered around the newcomer. “Jesus, you’re starting to peel… Ewww!”

            “It doesn’t hurt that much,” Frasier said, his eyes shut tight as he leaned on Roz for support. He opened one eye and, when he realized who was beside him, opened the other one and managed a joyful grin. “Why, Roz! You’re all right! Thank heaven!”

            “Yeah, I’m fine,” Roz replied hurriedly, fussing over his disheveled appearance. “But I’m more worried about you! You frickin’ idiot!”

            “This, this is nothing!”

            “How did you…?” Lisa asked, pointing to the ceiling and the grate dangling from one corner dangerously. In anticipation, everyone backed away from the spot where Frasier had fallen.

            “That? Oh, when we were separated, Lisa, I fell into some sort of access tunnel-vent something and made my way through the metallic maze until I heard Roz here yelling about something and followed that…”

            “Well, thank God you’re all right, Frasier, I was so worried about you!” Roz exclaimed, hugging him tightly. She noticed over Frasier’s shoulder a sly look pass between a smirking Dave and an equally smug-looking Tommy. She gave them a particularly lethal glare, which silenced them amidst stifled chuckles.

            “Little old me?” Frasier chuckled. “Why, I’m flattered, Roz.”

            “I’m as touched by anyone by this little reunion, but shouldn’t we be devising a plan to get the hell out of here?!” Kilroy demanded, wincing as she shifted around to get more comfortable.

            “I agree,” King Marvin said. “We do have a way out now, after all…” His gaze flickered up to the ceiling.

            “Ah, yes, that is true… Ooof!” Dick stretched out his long arms, wincing at a stab of pain in his muscles. “Tommy, you’re my intelligence man, what do you have?”

            “All I’ve got involves a human ladder,” Tommy sniped.

            “That’s funny, that’s what I came up with too,” Dave chuckled.

            “Okay, universal agreement on the human ladder,” Kilroy said. “Save for me, with this leg.”

            “That’s not a problem, all we have to do is get one of us out of the cage and then have them open the darn thing and then we’re all home free.”

            “And then we’ll go rescue Beth, right?” Lisa asked.

            “Right!” Kilroy nodded affirmatively. “I think I’ve got something for that, His Highness and I will work on it while someone works on unlocking the cage. I-If that’s all right with you, sir, hehe…”

            “Of course,” King Marvin nodded.

            “Well, what the hell are we waiting for? Let’s get this done!” Roz pumped her fists into the air excitedly.

            “Yes!”

            “Let’s do this thing!”

            “All right!”

Chapter Text

“This whole plan is starting to make me claustrophobic,” Frasier muttered as he shuffled around a corner in the vent.

            “You’re not alone there,” Dave agreed from only a few paces behind. They were making their way to the dungeon’s guard room, where the keys to the cage were being kept. “Hmm. I don’t like this… What if the guards are, you know, competent? Or if there is another one of those…Decepticons? What if it’s all just one big trap and when the cage opens and Lisa comes out and they get her?”

            “Decepticons, is that really what they’re called?” Frasier muttered to himself in confusion. “Dave, I’m sure that everything is going to be fine,” Frasier reassured him. “Besides, Lisa can take care of herself. And she’s not alone, either. She’s got Roz and Kilroy and the King…And Tommy…And Dick.”

            “I’m feeling less sure with each name that you mention, Fras,” Dave grimaced. “You haven’t spent time with these…alien people. I have. They are legitimately insane.”

            “Oh, I thought that you missed this sort of chaos, Dave,” Frasier taunted jovially.

            “I did, I do, but the Solomons, or whatever the hell they are… They are a whole different level.”

            “I won’t argue with you on that one. Look, this must be the guard room here.”

            They had come across another grate, a dim light filtering from below. Frasier lifted the vent up and peered down. “Two…humanoids, for lack of a better word, sitting in front of a television…”

            “Ooh, what’s on?”

            “Does that really matter now?”

            “Umm, yes!”

            “Oh, for-! It’s Gilligan’s Island, if you must know!”

            “Oooh, which episode?”

            “I am now choosing to ignore you, David,” Frasier said with a pompous sniff. “Now, let’s see here… Oh, oh, ahhhh!”

            Dave rolled his eyes as Frasier fell head-first through the rectangular opening and disappeared into the space below with a cry. There was a loud crash and a series of groans below.

            “I’m okay!” Frasier called from below.

            “Oh, boy…” Dave chuckled, lowering himself carefully down without stepping onto Frasier and the two unconscious guards. “And to think, Roz said that you were a dainty, delicate kind of guy…”

            “She also said that you tap dance, Dave,” Frasier grumbled as he struggled to get up.

            “She did? Oh, she is so going to pay for that.”

Chapter Text

Back inside the cage, the remainder of the group waited pensively – save for Tommy, who was currently slinking through the air vents, trying to make his way up to the bridge and figure out just what was happening and was supposed to return as soon as he could. Lisa stood near the cage door, watching the guard room with Roz at her side, the latter frowning with her arms crossed over her chest.

            “God, they’re taking forever… How long can sneaking through ventilation shafts take?” Lisa fretted, biting her lip.

            “With Frasier leading the way? Eh, could take a little while longer, Frasier’s kind of a big guy, you know,” Roz said with a shrug of her shoulders.

            “Hngh,” Lisa grunted in response.

            Recognizing her companion’s worry for what it was, Roz nudged her elbow with her own, smiling warmly. “Hey, come on, Dave will be fine. He’s related to me, ain’t he? And it’s only fifty feet away, what can happen in fifty feet?”

            “Don’t say that!” Dick gasped shrilly. “Then something will be bound to happen!”

            “That’s true, it happens all the time on all kinds of Earth media,” Kilroy said. “Movies, television, books, comics…”

            “Yes, yes, thank you all, I get the picture,” Lisa sighed helplessly, pressing her fingers to her forehead.

            Suddenly, they heard a loud, crisp whistle – they all turned in the direction of the guard room, where a figure was leaning out of the doorway, waving to them and holding the key. It was Dave. Lisa let out a silent sigh of relief. He’s okay, he’s fine, calm down.

            In a moment, Dave and a staggering Frasier had opened the cage and the rest came filing out, with Lisa rejoining Dave, Roz giving Frasier a questioning glance about his pained grumbles, and King Marvin and Dick helped Kilroy out .

            “Is Tommy back yet?” Dave asked.

            “No, not yet,” Dick replied, shaking his head wearily. “Should we just wait until he comes back or…?”

            “I’m back!” Tommy popped out from the open air vent. “You people want the good news first or the bad?”

            “Well, we might as well rip the band-aid off,” Dave commented. “Go ahead, give us the bad news first.”

            “Okay!” Tommy deftly climbed down and joined the group. “So, first off, I found the bridge, got a nice view of their control center, they had a live feed of the invasion on a really big screen.”

            “And?” Everyone asked in unison.

            Tommy paused, cringing in anticipation. “Dick, do you remember when we first arrived on this planet, when we first saw Rutherford? You called it a, and I’m quoting you here, ‘smelly, slimy landfill just waiting to catch fire’?”

            Dick stared back warily. “Yes… I do…”

            “Well, it caught fire, and now things look infinitely worse,” Tommy said quickly, clapping his hands once. “But, but, I’m pretty sure everyone’s okay, for now, they’re all holed up in the gymnasium at the university.”

            “Well, small victories, I suppose,” Frasier said.

            “MARY!!!” Dick screamed, scaring the hell out of everyone. “DID YOU SEE MARY?!”

            Tommy clutched at his heart comically, glaring back at Dick. “No, I did not, but I’m pretty sure, she’s okay Dick… SO DON’T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!!!!”

            “What was the good news, Tommy?” Kilroy asked.

            “There was no good news,” Tommy admitted, “I just wanted to keep your hopes up for a little bit longer.”

            A chorus of aggravated moans and curses echoed throughout the chamber.

            “I think we should all hear that little plan you and His Highness cooked up, Mom,” Dick said, turning to his mother.

            “Oh, good,” Kilroy grinned deviously, “because I, for one, think we’ve cooked up a really good one.”

            “That’s what you said last time,” Roz said, “right before you broke your ankle, Kilroy.”

            “Yes, can you promise no broken bones this time around?” Dave queried.

            Kilroy raised an index finger. “Sadly, no. But…I can promise no one will die.”

            There was a brief silence, which was eventually was broken by Dick. “Well, I like those odds! I’m in! Who’s with me?”

            “She didn’t say anything about odds,” Lisa commented in disbelief.

            “Eh, potatoes, tomatoes,” Dick waved flippantly. “It’s all semantics.”

            Frasier’s eyes bugged out wider with each word that Dick pronounced. “What the hell is wrong with you people?!”

            “That’s what I said,” Lisa murmured.

Chapter Text

“Dude, you are really inconsistent with your tastes in style and aesthetics,” Beth yawned, glancing around the refurbished throne room with disgust. As opposed to the plain dress she wore, the entire space was so ornately, lavishly decorated, it was overtly garish. Banners, streamers, and more than one glittering chandelier hung from the ceiling, not even lit.

            “Well, you have to give me a little bit of credit,” Evil Dick purred proudly next to her, dressed in an even more outlandishly decorated uniform, complete with cape. They both stood in front of the throne, waiting for the rest of the ship’s crew to file in – several robots guarding them. “I did plan all of this in an hour, you know.”

            “Why should I give you credit?! You abducted me and forced me into this!”

            “Eh, tomatoes, potatoes…” Evil Dick harrumphed.

            Beth screeched in disbelief, making strangling motions with her hands. “I still don’t see a reason why I should go through with this, man.”

            “Oooh, I can think of one,” Evil Dick piped far too cheerfully. “If you don’t go through with this, I’ll blast all your friends down in the dungeon out into space. How about that?”

            Beth groaned, throwing her head back. “Pretty darn good, for starters… Grrr. Fine. I…I suppose I’ll go through with it…I guess.”

            “Brilliant!” Evil Dick cackled wickedly, rubbing his hands together eagerly. “Oh, can this day get any better?!”

Chapter Text

“What kind of plan is this? It’s just splitting us up into two groups, one heading to the bridge using the air vents, the other group going to the throne room,” Dave muttered grumpily as he shuffled down the shaft. “And we’re called the Tiny Group? Not only are these aliens completely psychotic, they are also jerks of the highest order.”

            “Uh, excuse me,” Tommy objected, turning his head only slightly in the small, cramped area, to glare back at Dave. “I resemble that remark!”

            “Eh, it’s not all that bad,” Lisa offered from behind Dave. “At least this way, I can keep an eye on you, Dave.”

            “And what is that supposed to mean?” Dave stopped and stared back, looking more amused than offended.

            “I’m just saying, Dave, we leave you and Matthew alone for a couple of months and you get abducted by aliens,” Lisa stated.

            “Oh, so you think I can’t take care of myself?”

            “No, I think that Matthew can’t take care of himself. You’re so busy working and keeping an eye on Matthew to take care of yourself. There’s a difference.”

            “How is there a difference?!”

            “Yo, humans, silencio!” Tommy hissed, holding up a hand before stopping suddenly. He pointed to the right, where there was a grate in the side of the tunnel. “Bridge. Control room. Or whatever you want to call it.”

            All three crowded close together to glance into the bridge.

            “Where in the hell is everyone?” Lisa whispered, frowning in confusion. There were only four aliens manning the bridge presently.

            “The Royal Dickwad’s probably got everybody attending his wedding,” Tommy theorized. “Eh, it makes our jobs a whole lot easier.”

            Lisa and Dave stared back at Tommy, an uncomfortable silence falling over them. “Ummm…” She said. “Wouldn’t it make everybody else’s jobs…harder?”

            “Yes, since they will essentially be walking into an entire room…full of deadly robots and currently enslaved aliens?” Dave added.

            Another few beats of silence passed before Tommy fully registered the information, his mouth dropping wide open. “Oh. Oh, that’s bad, that’s very bad. W-we’ve got to warn ‘em!”

            “I’ll go,” Dave and Lisa offered in unison before giving each other a questioning glance.

            “You’ll go?” Dave mimicked. “No, no, I should go-!”

            “Oh, just because you’re the man, you think you should go-!”

            “For the love of all that is green and good in the universe, will you two just hurry up and pick someone! Play rock, paper, scissors, flip a coin!” Tommy growled angrily.

            “He actually does have a point, Lisa, we don’t have time to argue over this,” Dave said. “Actually, Tommy, why don’t you-“

            “I am the only one who knows how to access these computers, Dave, try again!”

            “Fine! Then I’ll go, and there will be no more arguments about it!” Dave waved his hands as frantically as he could muster in the tiny corridor. “I mean it, not another word!”

            “Ugh!” Lisa huffed. “Fine! Just…just be careful, all right?” She reached out and squeezed his fingers tenderly. “Please?”

            Dave tightened his grip around Lisa’s hand, unable to break eye contact with her. “I will. And you be careful too, okay?”

            “Oh, for God’s sake, I think I actually miss when you were just a lovesick moron,” Tommy moaned pitifully. “Goooooo!”

            Dave turned back and gave Tommy a threatening look. “Tommy…”

            “Yeah, yeah, I know, if she gets even a paper cut, you’ll tear me to shreds, I get it, now go, man!”

            As Dave shuffled past Lisa, they exchanged a quick but loving kiss. “I love you,” he whispered.

            “I love you too,” she whispered back.

            “Blechhhh!” Tommy gagged dramatically. “Oh, God, just go, man, go!”

            Dave crawled back up the shaft and soon disappeared around a corner, leaving Tommy and Lisa alone.

            “So,” she started, tapping her chin. “How are we going to play this?”

            Tommy smirked deviously. “Oh, I have absolutely no idea. You got a clue?”

            Lisa shut her eyes, pinched the bridge of her nose and groaned. “Oh, God…”

Chapter Text

The Advance Group, as they called themselves, were sneaking through the halls up to the throne. Well, attempting to sneak.

            “Frasier, I understand that you’re trying to help, but please, please, shut up,” Roz whispered urgently.

            “I’m sorry, Roz, but someone has to point out how inane this plan is,” Frasier sniffed in return. “I mean, it’s barely a plan!”

            “As the son of the female who concocted this ingenious plan, I must object to your objection!” Dick spun around and waved an index finger patronizingly in a surprised Frasier’s face.

            “Dick, sweetheart, and you, too, Frasier, shut the hell up,” Kilroy begged from where she was being carried between King Marvin and Dick.

            “Thank you, Kilroy, for trying to help,” Roz advised, “but believe me, when Frasier gets like this, it’s really hard to get him to stop, and then I’m, like, the only one here who knows exactly how to do it.”

            “Oh, it’s fine, Dick’s the same way from the looks of it,” Kilroy replied.

            “Kilroy, weren’t we supposed to be quiet while making our way up to the throne room?” King Marvin queried.

            “You are absolutely correct, sir, so I shall reiterate my earlier statement: EVERYONE SHUT UP!!!” Kilroy commanded forcibly.

            Metallic bouncing echoed from above.

            “Guys! Hey, guys!” A voice whispered.

            Everyone stared straight up.

            “Ah, David,” King Marvin stated. “What a surprise. Is everything going well up on the bridge?”

            “Sadly, well, no,” Dave stammered as he kicked out the grate and stuck his head out. “Good news…and bad news.”

            “Uh-oh,” Roz winced in anticipation. “This can’t be good, not at all.”

            “That’s what I just said! Anyway, there’s barely anyone on the bridge, only four…whatever they are, I guess,” Dave spoke fast. “That’s the good news.”

            “And the bad news?” Frasier asked fearfully.

            “EVERYONE ELSE IS IN THE THRONE ROOM,” Dave spat.

            “Well, crap!”

            “Jesus Christ!”

            “Dear Lord!”

            “We’re outnumbered. Hmm. This is quite the development,” King Marvin hummed thoughtfully. “Kilroy?”

            “Oh, I am too infuriated and terrified to think of a plan this moment, Your Highness.”

            “Well, what the hell are we going to do now?!” Roz growled furiously.

            “Perhaps when Tommy and Lisa take the bridge, my evil twin will have no choice but to surrender?” Dick offered.

            “I doubt it, he does seem quite determined,” Frasier said.

            “So essentially we’re all screwed?” Roz asked in disbelief.

            “Ahem.”

            The sudden appearance of the unfamiliar voice drew everyone’s attention to a spot directly behind Roz. There stood a short, skinny little man dressed in a long silk robe, waving nervously. “Hi, sorry to interrupt,” he said, “but I’m looking for the throne room… I’m the officiant for His Most Magnificent Majesty’s wedding…?”

            The group, Dave included, shared a devious smirk.

            “Oooh, I think I’ve got an idea…” Kilroy chuckled in delight, rubbing her fingers together animatedly.

            “I think we’ve all got that idea,” Roz commented with a wry smile.

            “Roz…” Frasier started, turning towards her.

            “What? Look at the guy, it’s easy to figure it out!”

            “Guys, focus!” Dave griped, wriggling only a tad in frustration. To his horror, he instantly slid through the open and fell to the ground with a loud thud. “Ahhh….” He moaned in pain.

            “Dave, please, let me formulate the rest of my plan in peace,” Kilroy said.

Chapter Text

“Okay, you know what? Let’s just burst in right now, take them by surprise!” Tommy suggested enthusiastically.

            “Are you insane? There’s two of us and four of them! They’ll overpower us instantly!” Lisa objected vehemently.

            “It’s a chance that I am willing to take,” Tommy retorted, dramatically serious. “For the sake of the universe. Now. One…”

            “Oh, my God…”

            “Two…”

            Lisa shrugged, rolled her eyes and steadied herself.

            “Three!”

            He kicked open the air vent and leapt through, sliding on until he slowed to a stop next to a large console – and the feet of an utterly befuddled crewman. “Element of surprise, ha!” Tommy cackled, wrapping his arms around the guy’s legs and pulling, hard, until the guy fell backwards to the ground in a heap.

            Lisa crawled out of the vent, muttering, “You know, there’s another strategy we could try, one that I just thought of.”

            “Oh, really?! WHAT?!” Tommy yelped just as another crewman started towards him, hands outreached to pull Tommy off his mate.

            “We could just tell them that we broke their king out of the dungeon,” Lisa said, throwing up her hands in frustration. “That could work!”

            The crewmen all stared at Lisa in disbelief.

            “It’s true?” One asked.

            “King Marvin is free?”

            “Thank Zylar!”

            The crewman who Tommy had tackled stopped slapping his face and instead helped him to his feet. “Huh. What do you know, that actually worked,” Tommy said. “Nice job, Lisa.”

            Lisa smiled proudly in response. “Not a problem. Let’s get the real work started, shall we?”

Chapter Text

The priest scarpered hastily up the aisle, noting silently the numerous troops of Decepticons surrounding the scared-looking crew on either side of the unnaturally long velvet carpet.

            “I’m here, I’m here!” He chuckled nervously. “Forgive me… I got lost.”

            “Fine, fine, you made it, get on with it!” Evil Dick yelled. “I am on a timetable here, people! Let’s do this!”

            Beth looked like she was about to squirm out of her skin, she was so uncomfortable.

            The priest, taking in the scene, smiled wanly, fidgeting with the collar of his robe. “Ah… Heh heh… Well. We are gathered here today-“

            Evil Dick cleared his throat ostentatiously. “Uh… Skip to the good part. Please.”

            “Oh, come on, man!” Beth groaned, throwing her head back.

            “Okay, okay,” the priest held up his hands helplessly. “Ahem. Do you, sir…?”

            “But of course I do!” Evil Dick huffed.

            “And you…miss…?” The priest gazed hesitantly at Beth.

            Beth, her face totally deadpan, placed her hands on her hips and opened her mouth to speak. “Hell-“

            “-yes!” Evil Dick speedily covered her mouth with his hand, stifling her angry words. “Yes, she does!”

            The priest simply blinked in response. “Oh-oh, oh. Oh. Uh…”

            “I’m so sorry, but do you have a problem with that?!” Evil Dick towered threateningly over the poor fellow.

            “Well-“

            “Well? Well what? Speak, man!”

            Beth squinted closely at the priest – at the man’s long untidy beard, insane white hair, beady blue eyes… Wait. I know those beady little eyes. Dave…?

            Beneath the disguise, Dave realized that Beth recognized him and tried to signal to her as subtly as possible without alerting Evil Dick by making slicing motions with his hand. Not yet, not yet, not yet… Just a few more seconds…

Chapter Text

This is so, so stupid, Roz thought as she finished tying a loop of rope tightly around a Decepticon’s ankles – well, what she assumed were the ankles. It feels like the plan of a kindergartner!

            An image of Alice suddenly popped into her head. Sweet Alice, her precious baby daughter. Will I ever see her again? Hot tears pricked at her eyes but she hurriedly wiped them away.

            Frasier noticed from where he lay beside the Decepticon next to hers, having done the same thing. He dared to reach out and grasp her hand, squeezing softly. She turned to him, mildly startled, before her expression melted.

            Everything is going to be all right, his face read, full of warmth and sincerity.

            She nodded back. I know. “We’re going to go home,” she mouthed back silently. “To Alice. To Freddy, too…”

            Frasier’s own blue eyes watered at the quiet mention of his own son.

            “And Martin and Niles and Daphne. We’re going to see them all again. Together,” she finished, squeezing his hand back. Then she leaned in and let their lips meet gently, affectionately, to his complete surprise.

            As quickly as it came, Roz pulled back, crawling on to the next Deception in line, shooting Frasier a hopeful smile.

            Frasier shuffled off to his next target in kind, grinning like an idiot.

Chapter Text

As Dave kept hemming and hawing in his priest disguise – the real one having been herded into a closet and locked in – the rest of the plan was carried out. Each of the Decepticons were sabotaged in the same way. They just didn’t know it yet.

            Neither did Evil Dick.

…

            “Now you listen to me, you little pipsqueak!” Evil Dick raged ferociously, waving his fists wildly at the priest, while Beth looked on, wincing uncomfortably. “I am the SUPREME EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE! NO ONE QUESTIONS ME! And don’t give me that guff about answering to a higher power! I AM THE HIGHER POWER!”

            Dave rolled his eyes, stifling a groan. Almost there, almost there...

…

            “How do you think they’re doing down there?” Lisa asked Tommy, watching with some interest as she skillfully accessed the ship’s mainframe via one of the consoles on the bridge.

            “That depends, which ‘down there’ are we discussing, the throne room or the idiots back on Earth?” Tommy retorted.

            Lisa mulled it over a moment before responding. “Well… I mean, your friend Sally and Don, that police officer, are down there leading the resistance, so I mean, things can’t be that bad down there, can they?”

            Tommy stared back at her evenly. “Isn’t your pal Matthew down there, along with my personal idiot Harry?”

            Lisa winced in frustration. “Oooh. You have a point there…”

            “Eh, don’t give it too much thought. If I know Sally, she’s probably in the middle of an inspiring speech, rallying everybody for one final offense before we deliver the ultimate victory! Whassup?!” Tommy cackled.

            “Hmm. I suppose you’re right there… Besides, we don’t know if Dave found the others, and he’s not back yet, I mean, shouldn’t he have been back by now?”

            “Eh, Dick and/or Kilroy probably forcefully enlisted him in one of their asinine schemes. He’s probably fine. Probably.”

            Lisa hummed nervously, biting her nails. “You get into that thing yet?”

            “Yup! We are now in complete control of the ship!” Tommy announced. “Now, let’s see if I can get the throne room on the screen via the security cameras… There, you happy? There’s…ooh.”

            The giant screen blinked to life – and Lisa cried out in alarm, as Tommy visibly blanched and slammed a fist down upon the console. “DAVE!”

Chapter Text

Back in the gym of Pendleton University, an inspiring speech was being made to the gathered townspeople, students, faculty and…out-of-towners. It just wasn’t Sally giving it.

            Harry Solomon stood before the crowd, clad in his somewhat singed fur coat, hands clasped behind his back. “Well, folks… Here we are. Standing on the brink of the abyss. And, boy… What an abyss!” He tried to chuckle, which fell flat in the midst of all the penetrating glares.

            Gathered on the side, Mr. James, Joe, and Max shared a skeptical look while an emotionally overwhelmed Sally was busy rocking herself to and fro behind one of the bleachers, with Don trying to comfort her, even as a slightly intoxicated Mary and Nina pestered him about how he hadn’t known Sally was an alien in the first place. Matthew was busy trying to keep the Scouts in line – and failing miserably, as they continued beating him with foam fingers from the football arena’s gift shop. Johnny Johnson looked on with a neutral face at the top of the bleachers.

            Realizing humor was not going to get them anywhere, Harry cleared his throat. “I’m not…a leader like Dick. Or a soldier like Sally. Or even a seasoned military intelligence officer like Tommy.” The last comment drew quizzical looks from Mary and Nina. “I’m just…me. I’m Harry. And what I know is…that humanity really is a remarkable thing. You guys… Even when times are tough and-and rough, you always manage to find a way through it. It’s…amazing. You are all so amazing… That’s why… I know we can win. We can beat Evil Dick. We can save the universe. If we don’t…what will that make us then? Not…amazing, I guess…”

            At first, Harry was met with a stunned silence from the congregation – after a few moments, they all erupted into excited cheers, exchanging high-fives and shaking hands.

            “Yeah, man!”

            “Let’s do this!”

            “For the planet Earth!!!”

            Harry grinned sheepishly as he looked over to his friends – Mr. James gave him a thumbs-up, Joe and Max nodded approvingly, and Sally, coming out of her panic attack, gave him a proud smile.

            “Nice job, Dorkules,” she told him, walking up and clapping him on the back. “Didn’t know you had it in you.”

            “See, I knew there was a reason I came along on this trip…”

Chapter Text

Evil Dick had caught on to the ruse after calling the priest ‘pipsqueak’.

            “Hmm…” He purred, peering closer at the long beard and robe – examining the figure beneath. “Pipsqueak… Yes, most definitely a pipsqueak!”

            The tone in the villain’s voice immediately sent goosebumps throughout the entirety of Dave’s body, but he hid it well. “Yes, sir… I am somewhat…short,” he said reluctantly through gritted teeth. You’re not short, you’re a perfectly reasonable height, not short, not short…

            “Yes, you remind me of someone else…short. And puny. And…insignificant,” he spat, leering furiously into Dave’s now worried face. “Oh, Dave. Did you really think you could best me? Wreck my wedding, ruin all my glorious plans?”

            Dave gulped. “Umm…yes?”

            Evil Dick cackled savagely as he suddenly grabbed Dave by the throat and lifted him off the ground.

            “Grrrk!” Dave croaked, holding on to Evil Dick’s wrist for dear life.

            “DAVE!” Beth cried, her hands covering her mouth in shock.

…

            “Oh, God, what do we do? What do we do?” Tommy panicked, jumping up and down. “Now, Lisa, just because I’m panicking, that doesn’t mean you should-!”

            Tommy swung his head and groaned. Where Lisa had once been standing, only a halo of dust and smoke remained. “Good God, that woman can really move!” He turned back to face the stunned, unsure crewmen, smirking deviously. “Come on, you lazy lackeys, we’ve got work to do!”

Chapter Text

Lisa tore down the main hallway of the ship, running as fast as she could. She nearly slipped and fell turning a corner, but she managed to keep her balance and, in fact, increased her speed.

            Dave, hang on… Dave, I’m coming, she repeated in her head, steeling her resolve for what was to come.

            They had just found each other again. She was not going to lose him now.

…

            “Gee, Dave, you look a little blue in the face,” Evil Dick taunted, squeezing harder his grip on Dave’s throat. “Maybe… YOU SHOULD TAKE A LOAD OFF!”

            With an almost effortless move, he threw Dave clear across the room and down the aisle, where he landed hard, rolled a ways before coming to a stop and lay still, groaning in agony.

            “Now!” He squeaked.

            “Now?” Frasier said from somewhere.

            “Did he say ‘now’?” The good Dick echoed.

            “Does it matter?! JUST DO IT!” Kilroy yelled from where she sat, hidden behind a column. “Gee, you’d think Dave getting tossed around the room like a rag doll would have served just a good sign as yelling ‘now’!”

            Stationed around the room, Roz, Frasier, Dick and even King Marvin jumped up and made jeering faces at the Decepticons.

            “Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

            “Boo!”

            “Hello.”

            “Bragalagalaga!!!”

            The Decepticons buzzed to life, eyes glowing an angry red.

            “Gyahhhh!!!” Evil Dick snarled. “Get them, you mechanical morons!”

            At that moment, Lisa burst through the doors, completely frazzled and breathless. “Oh, my God, Dave! Are you all right?” She cried, horrified at the sight of Dave lying sprawled on the floor.

            “Owww…” Dave managed to moan as he sat up. “I’m…fine, I’m fine… Aghh…”

            As the Decepticons lurched forwards, they suddenly toppled over and fell to the floor in a destructive impact of sparks and metal. The plan had worked.

            “Ahhhhhhh!!!” Evil Dick wailed amidst the murmurs of the startled crewmen. “No, no, no!!”

            Lisa carefully helped Dave to his feet, wrapping her supportive arms around his waist. “Jesus, Dave, he could have killed you!” She led them over to a quiet, chaos-less corner of the room. “Wait, what on Earth are you wearing?!”

            “Oh, it’s a long story…” Dave hissed, removing the fake beard and leaning against the wall. “Ah, I see that Kilroy and Dick’s stupid plan worked… At the cost of my spine.”

            At the sight of King Marvin, the crewmen had descended into a sort of carnivorous revelry as they swarmed over the fallen Decepticons, ripping them apart piece by piece.

            “No, no, no! My precious Decepticons! And after all the hard work I put into all of you… Grrr!” Evil Dick surveyed the room hungrily, desperate for a body, any body, to take his wrath out upon. Beth had already scurried away, joining Kilroy in her hiding place; Roz was decidedly occupied taking part in the robotic destruction, even cackling evilly as she did; Frasier watched Roz with growing concern; Dick shrieked shrilly as he deftly avoided a lazy swipe from a dying robot; and finally, King Marvin stood stoically amidst a gathering of his awestruck, crying in joy.

            Oooh. Yes. The pipsqueak, he thought, eyes falling upon Dave and Lisa in the far-off corner. Looks like I’ll be making good on my threat after all…

            He pressed one of the cufflinks on his sleeve, and a faint buzzing could be heard…

            And he will watch while I slowly squeeze the life out of her!

Chapter Text

“I don’t know about you…” Dave tiredly smiled, “but I could use a long, long vacation…with you…where no one, especially Matthew, can find us…”

            “Now you’re talking,” Lisa nodded slowly, smiling slyly. “Let’s go!”

            It happened so fast – Lisa was right next to him, her lips so tantalizingly close to his. Then she was violently jerked away with a piercing shriek, a metallic cord having wrapped around her waist and dragging her across the room. “Dave! Help!”

            “Lisa!” Dave immediately started running after her – and saw just what had grabbed her in the first place.

            Evil Dick now towered above everybody else by a good three feet, clad in a terrifying cybernetic suit of red and black, with long tentacles spreading out from his back. And he had a very distinct, very glowing, red aura around him too.

            Oh, shit, Dave thought, just as one such tentacle, pulsating with electric energy, slammed dead center into his chest and sent him flying.

…

            Roz could only watch in horror as her cousin was sent flying through the air like a discarded rag doll. “Oh, God, Dave!” She cried. “Davey!”

            “Dave…!” Lisa managed to let out a ragged cry of anguish before the coil tightened, cutting her off.

            Dave collided with the wall at a rough angle, jerking once from what looked like an electric bolt through his body. He fell face-down to the ground with a dull thud, visibly singed, and was still.

            For a single moment, no one moved or even dared to speak. They watched the unmoving form, looking for any sign of life.

            They found none.

Chapter Text

Tommy steadied himself against the computer, inhaling sharply as he tried to control the shaking in his body. “Come on, man, come on…”

            The screen lying beneath him blinked, drawing his attention briefly away from the security feed before he returned his gaze upwards. To the screen, to Evil Dick. His face hardened with determination. “Oh, no, you don’t, you overboiled egghead…” He started typing commands furiously into the computer. “Time for a battle of mechanical wits!”

…

            Being a medical professional, Frasier immediately darted through the fray, albeit clumsily, to Dave. Come on, Dave, come on… He knelt at Dave’s side and turned him over onto his back gently. “Dear God… Dave?”

            Covered in a decent amount of non-lethal burns, the priest’s robe singed over his chest, Dave opened his eyes and blinked, to Frasier’s relief. “Ow.”

            Frasier laid a hand on Dave’s shoulder comfortingly. “Dave, can you tell me if you hurt anywhere? I need to make sure you have any broken bones, perhaps internal bleeding?”

            “Aren’t…you…just…a…psychiatrist…?”

            “A medical doctor is a medical doctor, Dave, be happy with what you’ve been given and tell me what I wish to know,” Frasier chuckled warmly. “He’s alive!” He called out, his voice managing to echo amidst the din. “Badly burned…but not that bad!”

            Roz ran up to them and sighed in relief at seeing her cousin alive. “Dave! You really need to stop scaring us like this!”

            “You’re blaming me?!”

…

            On the other side of the room, Lisa was struggling to breath – but managed a small, tight smile at hearing Frasier’s declaration. “Oh, thank God… Ugh… Let me go, you son of a bitch-!”

            “Uh-uh, mind the language, young lady!” Evil Dick cackled insanely, using his suit’s controls to tighten his grip around Lisa. “There are evil Emperors present!”

            Lisa tried to scream in pain, but only managed a painful squeak. “H…Help…”

…

            Hissing air through his teeth, Dave turned his head in the direction of the faint cries from Lisa. Oh, God… Oh, God… Not her, don’t take her…

            He started to push himself up on his elbows, wincing in pain.

            “Dave! What are you doing?!” Roz yelped.

            “Have…to save…Lisa,” he said, managing to sit up. “Won’t…lose…her…”

            “For the love of God, Dave, take it easy!” Frasier sternly commanded. “You still haven’t answered my question, by the way.”

            “Everything hurts,” Dave replied tersely. “Nothing broken…though. I…I can move…”

            “Dave, if you don’t sit down, I will have no choice in the matter,” Frasier said.

            “What is that supposed to mean…?” Dave glared back, getting on one knee.

            “I shall have to release the Kraken,” Frasier shot back with a lethal glare.

            “The Kraken-?” Roz’s eyes squinted in confusion – then they widened again in shock and she whacked Fraser upside the back of his head. “You jerk! Are you referring to me?!”

            Frasier merely smiled wryly back up at her. “Go ahead, Roz. You know you want to…” He nodded towards Evil Dick. “Unleash the wrath of God.”

            Roz raised an eyebrow thoughtfully, before the corners of her lips twitched upwards. “Oooh…” She grinned wickedly. “Finally!”

            Then she sprinted away, letting loose a ferocious roar as she barreled towards Evil Dick. “BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

            Frasier chuckled, intoning the words he had spoken only earlier that day. “I almost pity the fools who dare mess with Roz Doyle…”

            “Amen,” Dave echoed, still rising. “And pity the foods who mess with the goddamn Nelsons too…” He added with a deep growl, forming fists at his sides, his eyes never leaving Lisa...

Chapter Text

Things on Earth weren’t faring much better. Joe was so close to finishing his contraption – he just needed a few more moments…

            A few minutes that, presently, they were fighting to gain. Sally and Don valiantly led a squadron of “archers” – really it was Leon, Bug and the rest of Dick’s students aiming and throwing random junk at the incoming Decepticons, while Mary and Nina…creatively made said junk and handed it off to them, while Mr. James and Max guided people out the gym’s back door. Matthew and Harry had somehow been carried off by the Scouts they had been babysitting, while Bulldog and Gil were defending Joe while he made the finishing touches on his large, rectangular mechanism.

            “Yo, Johnny, mind handing me that… Wait, where the hell did Johnny go?!” Joe looked around frantically, the large man having been aiding him only a few moments ago.

            “Forget that stalker and focus on the damn machine!” Sally raged ferociously.

            “Are we sure he’s a stalker though?” Nina wondered as she handed a sharpened baseball bat to one of the students.

            “The first thing he did when he got out of prison was follow his ex-wife out of state,” Don said officiously, “I’d say that’s a big fat yes!”

            “Yeah, I suppose Don’s right,” Nina said, handing Joe the wrench he’d been looking for. “I mean, he is a cop, not the best cop, but eh, you get what you’re given.”

            “Hey, thanks!” Joe grinned charmingly, causing Nina to blush slightly in response. Then he started whacking a part into place recklessly, laughing triumphantly. “Yes! Hold on to your pants and take cover, folks! I just built an EMP device!”

            Nina stared at him agog. “You built what?!”

            “Just turn it on already! We’re about to get creamed!” Mr. James called as he ran in and then back out again, breathless and disheveled.

            “Um, Nina, you and Doc Albright here will want to follow Mr. James there, I’m not quite sure what this will do to human bodies,” Joe said, shoving the women towards Mr. James and the back door.

            “What?!” Mary yelped, tripping slightly. “What?!”

            “Joe, you forgot the damn – Press the button!” Max screamed, hovering dangerously close to hysteria.

            “Ooh, yeah,” Joe slapped his forehead and jogged back into the nearly empty gym – save for Sally and Don at their barricade facing the gaping hole in the gym wall. He pressed a tiny little button on the side of the box before practically jumping back out the back door. “Sally, Don, everyone else, get down!”

            “Oh, God,” Don whimpered.

            Sally, completely deadpan, pulled him out the back and hauled him down behind a nearby wall of debris with the students. As a buzzing hum started to echo through the air, Sally took a look around at Don and the students, at Nina staring in disbelief at Mary asleep against her shoulder, Mr. James and Max clutching each other desperately, Harry and Matthew about to be crushed to death beneath the hoard of screaming children, Gil and Bulldog pressing close to the debris wall and wincing in anticipation of what was to come. And she rolled her eyes.

            “Earthlings!” She muttered, covering her ears.

…

            A single, radiating pulse boomed through the air as the EMP shook itself to pieces in the process. The humans and Solomons only ever felt the hair on his arms and the backs of their necks rise, the hair on their head frizzing crazily, and only heard a tremendous ring.

            For the Decepticons, it was far more devastating.

            Just as they were about to cross the threshold of the ruined gym, everything went haywire. Their entire bodies began to whirr insanely and spark like fireworks as their operating systems immediately shut down in the wake of the electromagnetic pulse. Then, all across town, the lifeless bodies of the Decepticons crumpled and collapsed, smoke pouring out of their every crevices.

            Save for the intermittent buzz of the dome still covering the town, all went silent.

            And then, the cheering. The entire town, wherever the citizens had concealed themselves, erupted into jubilant celebration, for the present threat had been defeated, death had been staved off.

            As the so-called militia rose from behind their barricade to glance over the defeated Decepticons in triumph, Sally gave Joe an appreciative nod as Mr. James, Max and the rest surrounded him in congratulations. “Nice job, Garelli. You pulled it off.”

            “Eh, it was nothing,” Joe shrugged, smiling as Nina pecked him on the cheek. “The trouble was finding the right power source.”

            “Yeah, what did you use for it? Had to be something pretty powerful…” Mary muttered.

            Joe grinned cheekily. “I used the engine from that nice Rambler parked over by that bar we passed on the way in. Man, what power, whoo!”

            Sally froze, her face morphing into a snarling mask of wrath. “YOU DID WHAT?!” She screamed, startling everyone around them.

            Max, on the other hand, peered curiously at Joe. “Joe, your last name is Garelli?”

Chapter Text

“Wha-?! Damnable woman, get the hell off of me!” Evil Dick hissed, swiping at Roz with one of his metallic tentacles as she leapt up and clawed at his face, succeeding in cutting his cheek. “GET OFF!!”

            “No, you get off, bucko!” Roz growled, ducking as a tentacle swung over her head. “Let Lisa go, now!”

            “Oh, but I will… When she goes blue in the face and stops breathing, I will!” Evil Dick cackled wickedly. “Are you watching, Davey boy?! I wouldn’t want you to miss anything!”

            “Aggghhhhh,” Lisa grimaced as Evil Dick tightened his grip on her.

            “Oh, burn in hell, you egotistical bastard!” Dave yelled as he hobbled over as quickly as he could, Frasier hovering behind him. “AND LET HER GO, DAMN IT!”

            “Uh, Dave… You really must take it easy…” Frasier fretted.

            “Not. Yet.” Dave grumbled through gritted teeth. “Not until we put this guy down, not until…”

            “Yes, yes, when Lisa’s safe and sound, I understand where you were going with that, Dave,” Frasier said, rolling his eyes.

            “Dave, my God, are you all right?!” Dick cried shrilly as he ran up to them.

            “Yes,” Dave replied automatically.

            “Not really!” Frasier barked.

            “Um, excuse me, but I could use little help here people!” Roz cried, somehow dangling upside down from a haywire tentacle.

            “And…me…too…” Lisa croaked.

            “Well, we would, but there is the small matter of those electric tentacles operated by that ginormous moron to deal with first!” Dick yelled back.

            “Yes, they are quite the problem,” King Marvin practically floated up from behind them. “Oh.”

            “Oh? Oh what?” Dave said.

            “I think someone else has taken care of those tentacles for us,” King Marvin said, pointing towards Evil Dick. Everyone followed his gaze and all cocked eyebrows in curiosity at what they were witnessing.

            “Ah,” they said in unison.

            “What-?!” Evil Dick shrieked in alarm. “What?!”

            The tentacles were waving around in jolted, uneven movements, inadvertently knocking Roz to the floor while released Lisa from her captivity, with both women tumbling to the ground in a heap.

            “Ow….” Lisa moaned as Roz muttered some rather savage obscenities under her breath.

            “Lisa..!” Dave bent down, stifled a groan of pain, and helped Lisa to her feet, holding her close.

            “Oh, sure, don’t help me, I’m just your cousin!” Roz snapped as she practically jumped up, eyes blaring furiously.

            “What on earth is going on with that guy?” Beth asked, nodding over to a frantic Evil Dick while somehow managing to help Kilroy hop over to join the group.

            Lisa grinned knowingly as the tentacles apparently turned on their master and started whacking him everywhere. “Dick, I think your ‘seasoned intelligence operative’ hacked his system.”

            “Tommy?” Dick gasped. “I didn’t know he could do that!”

…

            Back in the bridge, Tommy cackled aloud evilly as he typed another control into the computer, causing a tentacle slither down and trip Evil Dick, sending him falling to the ground in a mass of metal and tentacles. “That’s what you get for messing with the planet Earth, dumbass!”

            One of the crewmen surrounding him patted his shoulder in a congratulatory manner. “Can you tie him up with his own tentacles?”

            “Ooo and then shock him?” Another crew member grinned excitedly.

            “I can do all those things…and more,” Tommy rubbed his hands together before typing in more orders to the computer system. “Oh, yes… So much more!”

…

            “No, no, no, no,” Evil Dick glared at his surroundings as the tentacles wrapped themselves around his body against his will. At the humans and Solomons smiling down at him triumphantly, at King Marvin and his people nodding approvingly… Everything I ever wanted… All I ever wanted to control… Slipping through my fingers…!

“NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” He screamed a painful shock passed through his body, and then another, and another…

…

            “It really is the simple things in life you treasure,” Dick smiled blissfully as the group watched as several more electric shocks jolt Evil Dick’s body so much that he practically bounced around the room.

            “Amen,” Dave grinned, despite the pain. “Ooh. Ouch.”

            “You really shouldn’t have gotten up, Dave,” Lisa scolded gently, patting his chest as she snuggled as gently as she could into his side, his arm around her waist.

            “If our places were switched, what would you have done?” Dave pointed out.

            “Well, for starters-“ Lisa started to speak but was interrupted by a loud yell from Roz.

            “Oh, yeah, see how you like it, jackass!” She chuckled deviously while Frasier gave her a concerned look. She matched it with a scoff of her own. “What? I can’t delight in the torture of my enemies?”

            “Well-“

            “Frasier. Please. Let me have this,” Roz whined.

            “I agree with Roz, let the torture of our enemies commence!” Dick declared loudly and dramatically. “I-if that’s all right with you, Your Majesty?”

            King Marvin seemed to mull things over for a second, Kilroy joining Dick in giving him pleading glances. “For a few minutes more. Then to the dungeon he goes.”

            “Yes!” Dick and Roz shared a high-five and then proceeded to watch as Evil Dick started to writhe in pain around the floor, whimpering and weeping and begging for the pain to stop.

            Dave and Lisa shared a look and shrugged.

            “You guys really are used to this kind of insanity, aren’t you?” Frasier asked in disbelief.

            “Oh, you have no idea,” Dave chuckled.

            “Matthew alone is a whole textbook about the subject,” Lisa said confidently. “And don’t get us started on Mr. James.”

            “Yes… Mr. James,” Dave nodded along. “The man…baffles me.”

            “He baffles everyone,” Lisa added.

            Frasier frowned in confusion. “Suddenly, I’m very grateful for Bulldog. And Gil. Well, everyone else at the station besides Roz… I’m always grateful for her.”

            “Yeah, you do…” Dave cackled right before his eyes widened and he winced. “Ooh. Gee, I hope Roz didn’t hear that…”

            “I did and when you are ninety percent healthy again, you will pay for that little meddle you just did!” Roz called back.

            “What did you call that stuff you were doing at dinner?!” Dave said, frowning.

            “Justified!” Roz cocked an eyebrow at him and Lisa, smirking. “Go ahead. Try to tell me I’m wrong.”

            Dave blinked. He was exhausted, his entire body ached and stung. But he glanced at Lisa and smiled warmly. “No. No, I don’t think I will…”

            Suddenly, a voice blurted out through the intercom, “KISS HER ALREADY, YOU MORON!”

            “TOMMY!” Dave gazed upwards furiously.

            “Hey, you heard the man,” Lisa laughed heartily. “He is technically the captain right now. He could throw us both in the brig for disobeying him!”

            “What-?!” Dave shook his head, still smiling. “Oh, for God’s sake, come here.”

            He pulled her close and kissed her passionately, to the cheers of the crew… and a chorus of disgusted groans from Dick, Tommy and Roz, who started to walk away.

            “Tommy,” King Marvin called. “Would you be as so kind as to land this ship, please? I think a celebration is in order, and I think such a thing would work better on Earth.”

            “WILL DO, SIR! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Air Tommy, where the inflight entertainment is the feature film, Independence Day and the official inflight snack is-“

            “Tommy, just land the goddamn ship!” Kilroy screeched in annoyance. “MOST OF US NEED DOCTORS!!”

            There was a brief silence. “Fine, if you want to be nasty about it…”

Chapter Text

The dome imprisoning the town of Rutherford dissipated as the warship reentered the atmosphere, landing in a large corn field just outside of the city limits at sunrise, much to the chagrin of the farmer who owned it.

            Sally led the militia as they approached the ship, grumbling nonsensical threats as the main doors opened and a ramp slid effortlessly to the ground. However, her features softened when she saw Dick and Tommy striding down the tramp like preening peacocks, with Frasier, Roz, Dave, Lisa and Beth following, with Kilroy supported between two crewmen and King Marvin practically floating behind.

            “You stupid bastards!” Sally cried joyfully as she and a hellish looking Harry, covered in dirt and his coat torn and his pants reduced to shorts, ran to hug Dick and Tommy. “I can’t believe you pulled it off!”

            “Eh, I knew they could do it,” Harry said.

            “Oh, it was nothing,” Dick purred, “in fact, I dare say Tommy’s the real hero, he was the key to my evil doppelganger’s undoing.”

            Tommy shrugged, though his grin spoke of his enjoyment of the adoration. “No, not, it was the plan that you and your mother cooked up that was the real key-“

            “YOUR WHAT?!” Sally screeched in disbelief.

            “What…? What…? Tommy said…what?!” Harry blabbered uncontrollably.

            “Yes, yes, I have finally met my mother,” Dick puffed proudly. “And here she is! Come meet the rest of the family, Mom!”

            Kilroy hopped over, beaming brightly. “Oh, it is just so good to meet you both! Dick’s told me so much about you, I feel like I know you already!”

            Sally and Harry stared blankly at the impossibly young-looking Kilroy. “What…in…the…hell?” The taller woman muttered.

            “Now that’s what I call aging gracefully,” Harry nodded approvingly.

            Dick scowled furiously. “HARRY!”

            “Man, what is wrong with you?!” Tommy said. “Don’t you think I wouldn’t have already made that joke?!”

            “DICK!!!!!”

            The Solomons, Kilroy included, jumped in shock and bewilderment as Mary strutted towards them, followed by Nina, Don, the majority of Dick’s students, their landlady Mrs. Dubcek, and other acquaintances. Alyssa, Tommy’s girlfriend, immediately came up to him and slapped him upside the head.

            “You idiot! How could you not tell me that you’re an alien?!” She demanded as Mary, short as she was, reached up and grabbed Dick’s ear, causing him to yelp in pain as he crumpled under the pressure.

            “Well, you never asked me, damn it!” Tommy retorted weakly.

            “YOU…YOU…” Mary visibly seethed, her teeth bared in an angry snarl.

            “Mary…” Dick whimpered pitifully. “Thank heavens you’re all right... I was so worried about you…”

            Mary paused momentarily before letting out an aggravated sigh. “Dear God, why do you have to look so damn cute with those damn puppy eyes? Ugh. I’m happy that you’re all right too, Dick… I guess…”

            Dick let out a particularly girlish giggle as he stood up and hugged her. “See? I knew she wouldn’t be mad at me forever, Tommy!”

            “Excuse me? You were panicking that she was going to turn you in to the United States government!” Tommy guffawed.

            “Momentarily! I was panicking…momentarily.”

            “I’d say I was insulted…” Mary said. “But they’re not wrong. They…are not wrong.”

            “Don, you wouldn’t turn us in, would you baby?” Sally pouted dramatically as she turned to Don.

            “Of course not!” Don said. “After what you guys just did, I wouldn’t be surprised if the government welcomes you with open arms.”

            “Gee, I hope so…” Harry said. “I really don’t want to get cut open… It’s not pretty in there.”

Chapter Text

Mr. James tried not to stare at poor Dave, he really did, but as soon as they came up to Dave and Lisa, he blurted out, “Jesus, Pumpkin, what the hell happened to you?!”

            “Wow,” Joe chuckled dryly, circling around Dave slowly. “And I thought poor Frasier over there got broiled like an lobster! Wow!”

            Dave frowned, ignoring the slight itch of pain that came with it over his blistered features, and said, “I was not broiled, I was electrocuted, there’s a difference.”

            “A really weird difference to know, to be true,” Max shook his head. “Still…”

            “Still what?” Lisa repeated. “Besides, he wasn’t just electrocuted, he was thrown into a wall, thrown into those two alien goons over there, nearly got his throat crushed by a maniac-“

            “Why are you listing everything that bastard did to me?” Dave wondered aloud.

            “So a doctor, whenever we find one, knows exactly how to treat you on the spot!” Lisa exclaimed.

            “Wow, Beth,” Matthew trotted up, his clothes clawed and shredded, the ends of his hair singed and smoking. “That’s a new look for you, isn’t it?”

            Beth threw her head back and groaned in a loud, high-pitch tone. “Excuse me, I need to go find an open, still operating boutique so I can actually walk around in something stylish, thank you!” Then she stalked off, everyone watching her.

            “I thought there was something different about her…” Mr. James said, wagging a finger.

            “Speaking of something different,” Max said, swinging his head in Dave and Lisa’s direction. “You are two are being suspiciously…clingy, for lack of a better word…”

            Dave and Lisa’s eyes flickered down to their arms around each other’s waists and then back up to a wary Max, an interested Joe, a blank-stared Matthew, and an excited-looking Mr. James. “Oh, I wouldn’t say it’s suspicious,” Dave said confidently.

            “Yeah, we’re back together,” Lisa added. “At least, I think we’re back together, we never really talked about that, we did just sort of start making out-“

            “No, no, you read the situation correctly,” Dave said, rubbing her arm comfortingly.

            “YES!” Mr. James cheered as he and Joe high-fived and Matthew let out a cry of delight as he hugged both Dave and Lisa tightly.

            “See, I told you on the drive over here not to worry so much,” Joe said to Lisa with a raised eyebrow.

            “Yeah, yeah, you were right,” Lisa admitted.

            “I’m so happy for you two…” Mr. James dissolved into happy tears as he too embraced Dave and Lisa. “This is just so great!”

            Max, on the other hand, rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. “Johnny is not going to like this!”

            Dave’s head popped up suddenly, tilting his head crazily. “What? Johnny’s here?!”

            “Through no fault of my own,” Lisa reassured him, shooting Max a lethal death glare. “He followed us because of his best man over there!”

            “I was doing my duty-!”

            “Your duty? Which is what, being a kiss-ass?” Joe asked. “Although, speaking of that tall ex-con, where did he go?”

            “What, you don’t know where he is?” Dave queried nervously, his eyes flickering around.

            “No, man, I lost him during the battle at the gym,” Joe said, gazing around quizzically.

            “Eh, I’m sure he’ll turn up,” Mr. James said, waving it off. “Johnny Johnson always finds a way of slithering into things when you least expect it.”

            “And when he does, I’ll very, very sternly tell him to go back to Guam or some other place. Nicely, though, nice and stern,” Lisa said.

            “Or?” Dave prompted.

            “Or, if he keeps bugging us, we’ll lock him in a room and we’ll let Joe test out some of his inventions on him,” Lisa said, completely serious.

            “Why wait until he keeps bugging us? We could just go ahead and do it?” Dave smirked deviously.

            Lisa shot him a disapproving look. “Dave!”

            “Hey, he framed Mr. James for armed robbery and then went and committed an armed robbery himself, I trust him as far as I could actually throw him!” Dave defended strenuously. “Which is nonexistent!”

            “Of course it’s nonexistent! You are a pipsqueak and he’s a literal God!” Max declared.

            Everyone stared right at Max in utter befuddlement.

            “What is wrong with you?” Dave gaped openly.

Chapter Text

“This is a joke! This is total BS!”

            “Bulldog, please, for the love of all that his holy, please shut up,” Gil pleaded desperately with the short bald man as they met up with a frazzled Frasier and a disheveled Roz. “Well, well!”

            “Gil,” Roz murmured in a threatening tone, trying to smooth down her hair. “Now is not the time.”

            “Yeah, Gil,” Bulldog roared, red in the face, “now is not the time to control everybody!”

            “What on Earth are you two going on about?” Frasier asked. “I mean, what could you two find so much more important that mine and Roz’s triumphant return?”

            “They shut down the hotel,” Gil replied, grumbling. “We can’t stay there, not after the roof caught fire. Or eat at the restaurant… Oh…” Gil bit his knuckles, stifling a sob.

            “Yeah, so we’re homeless, basically, until we find a way to get back to Seattle,” Bulldog added with a grumble.

            “Remind yourselves, my friends, that it could have turned out far worse,” Frasier sniffed pontifically.

            “Yeah, we could be ALL DEAD,” Roz snapped angrily. “So we are going to go stay in a cheap, dirty motel, going against every single fiber of our sane little beings and like it. GOT IT?!”

            Bulldog and Gil shrunk visibly under Roz’s blazing fury, muttering softly.

            “What? What was that?!” Roz fumed.

            “We’ll like it, we’ll like it,” both men chattered back fearfully.

            Roz then nodded confidently. “Good. Now… You boys going to explain what in the hell you’ve been doing?”

            Both Gil and Bulldog shared a look, going over their appearances – black paint streaked over their cheeks, red rags tried around their foreheads, they were both clad in torn t-shirts and tattered pants.

            “We…” Gil gulped, “…are currently…not presently prepared…to explain.”

            “Yeah,” Bulldog coughed. “What he said.”

            “Hmmmm.” Frasier hummed, crossing his arms.

            “Don’t judge us, Doc, look at you two!” Bulldog scoffed. “You look like you’ve been swallowed alive by a freakin’ dragon, and Roz…! Well, aside from her hair, she looks fine, but you guys know what I’m getting at!”

            “If you think Frasier looks like hell, you should see Dave,” Roz smiled like a crocodile, pointing to Dave, standing with the WNYX gang a little ways off.

            “Ooh,” Gil winced sympathetically. “That has to hurt.”

            “Yeah,” Bulldog agreed, his eyes widened. “I mean, I’m a tough fella, but that’s…Eeesh, that looks painful.”

            “Yes, be thankful you didn’t get put through the ringer like Dave,” Roz said.

            “Why did he get put through the ringer, though?” Bulldog asked, tilting his head curiously. “He’s such a shrimp!”

            “I CAN HEAR YOU PEOPLE!!” Dave called out to them.

            “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO!!” Roz replied.

            “Roz, please stop annoying your badly burned cousin,” Frasier lectured with a stern look.

            “Why should I?” Roz stuck her tongue out. “We’re related, it’s our jobs to annoy each other. It’s what you do when you care about someone, Frasier.”

            “Oh, then, you must really care about me then,” Frasier smirked. “You annoy me twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.”       

            “Well, of course, I care about you, Frasier,” Roz said, “I love you, you eggheaded moron!”

            As the full weight of her words set in, both Gil and Bulldog stared at her in utmost disbelief, while the nearby WNYX gang stopped talking and slowly turned their heads towards a red-faced Roz, her hands covering her mouth open in shock, and a blank-faced Frasier.

            “You…you love me…? You love-love me?” Frasier asked slowly, his voice soft and low.

            “Ah….” Roz stammered, staring down at her feet. “Ummm… Yeah… Yes. I do…”

            Frasier blinked several times in series, his face frozen in shock. Then he broke out into a wide, joyful smile as he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her passionately, accompanied by a series of catcalls from the WNYX gang, the Solomons and their friends, and everyone else who had gathered around the spaceship. Except for Bulldog and Gil, who just stared at the scene in befuddled shock, their brains not accepting the scene.

            And then Dave, joined by a grinning Tommy and a smirking Lisa, came up to the couple. “Well, well, well-“

            Roz reluctantly pulled away from Frasier and glared furious daggers at the trio. “You say another single word and I will rip yours and Tommy’s throats out in front of your pretty little girlfriends, you got me?!”

            Tommy cackled in response and walked away, joined by Alyssa, while Lisa frowned as Dave stifled his own laughter. “Pretty little girlfriend?” She echoed. “I am not just some pretty little girlfriend, I am an accomplished journalist and the owner and editor of my own newspaper, damn it!”

            “I know, sweetie, I know,” Dave said comfortingly. “I know.”

            “Shouldn’t you two be calling your respective parents and children to let them know you’re alive?” Bulldog finally got the words out after overcoming his shock, a shit-eating grin now crossing his face.

            “Ooooh, yeah,” Roz said, pulling away again. “My mother, I need to call my mother. Alice, I need to hear my baby’s voice,” she babbled, pulling Frasier towards the university with her.

            “Frederick! He must be worried sick! And Dad and Niles and Daphne…” Frasier fretted.

            “To be fair, Fras, I’m sure that Daphne already knows we’re fine, with that psychic power of hers,” Roz said.

            “You have a psychic friend?!” Dave stared at Roz and Frasier in disbelief.

            “PSYCHIC?!” Beth popped up, wearing a flowing black skirt and red velvet top. “You guys have your own personal psychic?! Can I meet her?!”

            “JESUS! Where did you pop up from?!” Roz exclaimed.

            “Oh, you think this is weird, you should be around when Lisa’s obsessing over obsessing,” Dave said, smirking. “She melts out of the walls like a shadow wraith!”

            “DAVE!” Lisa practically squealed in disapproval. “I DO NOT DO THAT!”

            “Yes, you do, you’ve given me a heart attack more times than Matthew, Mr. James, Max and Bill McNeal all put together!”

            As Dave, Lisa and the WNYX walked towards the university, Frasier and Roz watched them go. “If I haven’t mentioned this before, I am so glad we just work with normal idiots,” Roz said.

            “Oh, I agree fully on that one,” Frasier said.

Chapter Text

Three Days Later

            After three days of cleaning up the town, with the National Guard and the Red Cross descending upon the town with the press in their wake, while safety inspectors declared which buildings were safe to walk into, and when it had been determined that there had miraculously been no casualties, Dick Solomon declared that an exuberant, over-the-top celebration was in order.

            “It is absolutely crucial we throw this party!” Dick practically yelled at the top of his lungs to everyone eating brunch at the local pancake house. “I mean, for the love of God, this town, and the people who live in it, survived an alien invasion! And no one died! This is an occasion to mark!”

            “The man does make an excellent point,” Mr. James agreed. “We should do something…” His voice trailed off, a sly smile crossing his face.

            “Uh-oh. I know that grin,” Beth said. “Mr. James, please, no snakes…”

            “Or mimes!” Joe added.

            “And please make sure everyone is invited this time, not just me?” Matthew begged.

            “Snakes?” Sally frowned.

            “Mimes?” Bulldog shuddered.

            “Halloween,” the WNYX gang explained in unison.

            “Oh…”

            “That explains it…”

            “Of course!”

…

            In only a matter of hours, the commons of Pendleton University had been transformed into a pulsating, musical, colorful carnival which rivaled the legendary revelries of a New Orleans Mardi Gras. Food vendors, carnival rides, a seemingly endless array of cotton candy machines, with live entertainment provided by Bug and Aubrey’s recently formed rock band, Catalyst, blaring out barely understandable original songs, the whole package.

            But once night had fallen, when families took their children home to sleep, the real party began – the beer, booze and liquor arrived, and soon the vast majority of the adults present were drinking and dancing to the music.

            “Dick, I got to admit,” Mary grinned drunkenly, leaning on the taller, apparently unaffected High Commander for support. “This was…a superb idea…”

            “Oh, I’m so glad you like it, my love,” Dick gushed.

            “Dick…” Nina wandered over, joined by a shirtless and smirking Joe. “How…are you not drunk yet?”

            Before Dick could respond, an obviously drunk Sally tottered over, followed by a concerned looking Don. “That…is one thing we haven’t figured out yet… Cold medicine, sure! Pure, pure booze… Pft! Right as rain! Bah!”

            “Respect, dude!” Joe grinned approvingly. “Man, even I’m starting to feel a bit dizzy…”

            “Oooh, I can fix that if you want…” Nina grinned seductively.

            As she and Joe shared flirtatious giggles, Harry and Matthew passed by, dressed in matching fur coats, blue Hawaiian shirts, shorts and sandals. “Oh, God, eww!” Matthew screeched.

            “Please, there are innocent people here!” Harry added. “They’ve already witnessed too much!”

            “Not enough, apparently,” Tommy chirped as he and Alyssa passed by. “Oh, look, more…disturbing things…”

            Those already gathered followed his direction, then broke out into disgusted cries of scorn and derision.

            “Dear God!”

            “What is wrong with you?!”

            Bulldog glared back at them, dressed in a pair of speedos and nothing else. “Go to hell, ya prudes!”

            “Dear Lord, Bulldog!” Gil appeared, gaping in horror. “Put on a shirt, at least!”

            “Oh, go eat some crème brulee, you fancy-“

            “Yo, yo, yo,” Mr. James waddled up. “This fighting has got to stop! This, this is a day of celebration, there will be no fighting! And Bulldog! Please, some self control! I enjoy walking around in a Speedo too, but that’s…Eeesh, that’s just wrong, man, just wrong.”

            “Hey,” Beth floated over, waring an exuberant silver hat. “Looks like the whole gang is here… Wait… Where’s Dave and Lisa?”

            Bulldog and Gil too glanced around momentarily. “Yeah…And where’s Frasier and Roz…?” Gil queried.

            The same but separate realizations hit all of them at the same time, and they quickly all let out various sounds of cacophonic sounds of disgust and revulsion.

            “Jeez, man!”

            “Oh, God, that image is in my head! Holy water, where’s some holy water?!”

            “Images, plural, two different couples…!”

            “Aghhh!!!”

            “Blech!!!”

            “Oh, I am gonna be sick…”

            “Well, I think it’s romantic,” Matthew sighed.

            “Think about it, fella,” Bulldog said, pointedly.

            Everyone, Harry included, watched closely for Matthew’s reaction. Then it hit. “Oh, ewww…. All four of them…? Together…? But…Dave and Roz are cousins…?”

            “AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!” Everyone screamed.

            “Oh, God, Matthew!”

            “Seriously, dude, you have no idea-!”

            “Not like that!”

            “Oh-ohhhhh…. Like Dave and Lisa in one room…And Roz and Frasier in another…”

            “That’s enough! Quiet, Matthew, please, go eat some cotton candy!” Max cried. “Ugh! Anyone else going to have nightmares for weeks after this?!”

            “That depends. Do you mean that whole conversation or the whole alien invasion thing?” Beth asked.

            Max mulled it over for a second then shrugged. “Eh, just that conversation.”

            “Well, then yes.”

            “Yeah, so did not need to imagine all of that…”

            “Scarred for life!”

            “Oh, good, we’re agreed…” Sally frowned and then looked around. “Aww, great! Where did Dick and Mary get off to?!”

            Her question was met with another chorus of groans and sighs, everyone squirming and shivering in horror.

Chapter Text

“Dave…Dave!”

            “Hmmmm…. What?”

            “As much as I really do enjoy this, and I do, you have to stop…kissing my neck…like that… Oooh.”

            “Oh, but why? Because of the party? You realize everyone’s really, really drunk by now? We’d spend the entire night babysitting them and, frankly, I am not in the mood to deal with Matthew crashing on a sugar high.”

            Lisa momentarily paused from where she sat buttoning up her blouse and turned towards Dave, still lounging beneath the sheets on the bed in their hotel room. “And you think I am? Some sanity has to prevail, you know.”

            “Oh… I suppose…” Dave sighed, sitting up as carefully as he could while bandaged over most of his body. “Ow…”

            “You could always stay here and rest, you know, I don’t mind keeping an eye on the lunatics myself,” Lisa said.

            “Oh, no, not with the Solomons roaming around out there,” Dave said, having risen out of bed and was in the process of redressing. “You are going to need some back-up out there.”

            Lisa, having finished dressing, paddled over to Dave and started buttoning up his shirt. “Have I ever told you how cute you are when you’re so protective of me?”

            “I’m not sure, perhaps you could remind me?”

            “That question alone wasn’t a clue?” Lisa smiled lovingly and pecked him on the lips, her eyes softening as she laid her hands on his chest. “Promise me something? Never, ever scare me like that again… I don’t know what I’d do if anything…happened to you…”

            Dave met her teary, pleading gaze with one of his own and kissed the top of her head. “I promise. I mean, what’s the likelihood of another alien invasion happening in our lifetimes, hmm?”

            She scoffed lightly. “I was serious, Dave.”

            “So was I.” Dave gazed at her earnestly. “I promise, Lisa, you’re not going to lose me, and I’m not going to lose you. I am in this one hundred percent. And if it even looks like I’m about to do something remotely stupid, you can go ahead and strangle me.”

            “Hmmm.” Lisa hummed thoughtfully as they walked towards the hotel room door. “We still have so much to talk about, Dave, so many emotions to get off our chests…”

            “We will, I promise…” Dave said. “Once we make sure no one dies of alcohol poisoning or sugar rush related injuries,” he added as he opened the door and allowed Lisa to go first before following.

            He almost instantly slammed into her. She had stopped right in her tracks, as still as a metal pole. He steadied himself and looked at her in disbelief. “Lisa… What…?”

            He followed her stare and found himself gazing in dumb horror.

            For currently entering the room opposite their own was a near-shirtless Frasier Crane, and with her arms wrapped around his chest, was his cousin, Roz Doyle, in the process of biting his ear.

            Before either Dave or Lisa could even voice aloud their revulsion, Dick Solomon passed by, carrying a giggling Mary in his arms while singing an operatic aria. The movement alerted Frasier and Roz, and for a moment, all four gazed after the alien and his human lover in aghast befuddlement. Then they stared back at each other, the silence pensive and heavy.

            “You know what…?” Dave said, pulling Lisa back into the hotel room. “I think they’ll all be fine on their own…”

            “I agree,” Lisa said, slamming the door shut and then wrapping her arms around his neck, kissing him.

            “Well, well,” Dave managed to get out between kisses as they collapsed onto the bed, in a frenzied state of undress. “You realize…this is incredibly…strange, right?”

            “You’ve met me, right?” Lisa smiled back seductively.

            “Oh, yes,” Dave said as they kissed again.

            Across the hall, left in their still open doorway, Frasier and Roz shared a look.

            “New York’s really changed Dave,” she said with a shake of her head.

            “Well, that’s not so strange, Roz. You’re not exactly the same woman who moved to Seattle from Wisconsin, right?” Frasier said.

            “Yeah…” Roz peered into the darkened room behind Frasier’s imposing frame. Then her lips curled up wryly. “Ready to see how much I’ve really changed?”

            “Are Beethoven and Handel German-born composers?” Frasier chuckled deeply.

            Roz rolled her eyes as she pushed him inside the room. “Oh, shut up, you doily and kiss me!”

Chapter Text

Johnny Johnson chugged the last few ounces of vodka from the bottle and then tossed it away lazily, not even registering when it shattered against the pavement. I lost her… I gave up everything for her, all my glorious plans for domination, the destruction of Jimmy James’s life… my actual freedom there for a while… And she doesn’t want me. She doesn’t want me.

            Johnny wiped the side of his mouth with his sleeve as he limply collapsed upon a bench outside the bus station, groaning obscenely. “She wants…Dave…” He murmured in a low, emotionless voice. Dave… Dave. He always stood in my way. Never trusted me…

            “Wimpy little son of a bitch,” he spat. “What does he have that I don’t…?”

            “Well, for one thing, the love of the woman in question.”

            Johnny didn’t turn at the appearance of the voice from behind. “Shut up, man, let me drink my sorrows away in relative peace…”

            “Oh, sure, fine, shoo me away,” the voice, dismissive but with a British accent, said tauntingly. “Shoo away your last chance for glory…for victory…for vengeance…”

            Johnny’s head nodded up slightly. “Vengeance. I always like that word… Not revenge, revenge is vengeance’s spiteful little sister.”

            “Oh, I agree wholeheartedly.” The owner of the voice walked around the bench and sat down next to Johnny. He was about the same height as Johnny, gray-haired and well-dressed in much tweed. “See, I have an arch-enemy as well. Dick Solomon. He bested me a while back… Humiliated me. Made me feel… worthless,” he chuckled wickedly. “Sound familiar?”

            Johnny now stared suspiciously back at the newcomer. “What are you up to, my tweed-clad friend?”

            “See, the thing is, I have a most ingenious plan for vengeance, I just need a few more parts to make it complete. And you, my friend, are one such part.”

            “What’s in it for me if I join forces with you?” Johnny asked, sitting back.

            “Well, for starters, you get to crush that Dave person beneath your heel. Literally,” the stranger said. “I feel like that is very important to you. Leaving you free, henceforth, to reclaim the woman you love. Oh, and I almost forgot, world domination, That’s my favorite part!”

            “Hmmm.” Johnny mused thoughtfully. “I do like the sound of squishing Dave. He’s been a thorn in my side for too long.”

            “Just as Dick Solomon’s been a thorn in my side for far too long, brilliant! So what say you, are you in, dear fellow?”

            Johnny paused a bit before answering. “All right. Count me in. What is your name, stranger…? I like to know who I’m working in the course of devious schemes…”

            “Neesam,” the stranger replied, extending forth a hand. “Liam Neesam. Charmed to make your acquaintance, Mr. Johnson.”

            Johnny let a small smile appear on his face as he shook the man’s hand. “Pleasure’s all mine, pal.”