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Part 5 of February Bingo, Part 1 of Three Parts - One Whole
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Aira's AO3 Originals
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Published:
2023-02-28
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4,216
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1/1
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Evasion Tactics

Summary:

Tony winked at Christine. “Absolutely the best fake girlfriend I’ve ever had.” He glanced at Stephen. “And you weren’t bad either.”

Stephen couldn't even defend himself, because that was fair. Christine just laughed. “Well, next time you need to hide from reporters and we’re around, we’ll be happy to help.”

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

“Sorry, sorry.”

The man slid right past Stephen where he was busy picking out a granola and then ducked behind their cart. Christine let out a surprised sound, jerking at the handle and almost hitting the man in the head.

“Sorry,” the man hissed again, but shifted with the cart so that he was hiding behind it. “Five seconds until she passes.”

“What are you—“

The man hushed him and Stephen drew back in surprise at the sheer rudeness of the action.

At the head of the aisle a pretty woman with blonde hair appeared, glancing down the aisle clearly in search of something.

The man crouched lower, looking almost desperate.

Stephen was tempted to expose him purely for the rudeness of being hushed. But Christine shook her head at him and shifted the cart to better hide the man who had so rudely interrupted their shopping. Christine was a far nicer person than Stephen was.

The woman clearly pursuing their mystery man moved on to the next aisle and the man slumped a little. “Sheesh, that woman does not take no for an answer.” He shook his head as though exhausted before he stood, sending both him and Christine a surprisingly dashing smile. “Thanks for the help.”

“Who is she?” Christine asked, her lips quirking in amusement.

The man’s eyes narrowed. “That is Christine Everhart, reporter for Vanity Fair.”

Stephen raised an eyebrow. A reporter? Really? “And she’s after you why?”

The man squinted at them both, before his smile somehow turned from dashing to genuine. “You know what, if you don’t know, then it really doesn’t even matter.” He glanced at his watch. “But I’ve got a bet about peanut butter sandwiches to win and I’ve got to run before she finds me again.”

With that, the man took off again, checking the aisle carefully before dashing across the open space to the next aisle over.

“Well—“ Christine was laughing. “Not everyday that you get to save a man from a reporter.”

Stephen just made a face. “You’ll find all sorts these days,” he muttered under his breath. “He was rather rude.”

Christine laughed, and he knew without her saying anything that she was considering the irony of him calling someone else rude. “He did at least say sorry,” she pointed out. And Stephen once again heard the implied words. Sorry was not in Stephen’s vocabulary.

“He hushed me.” The absolute gall of the man. “Like I was some sort of child.”

Christine’s lip twitched in a smile again. “Trust me, Stephen. No one could mistake you as a child. You’re too tall for one, and you’re too pretentious for another.”

Stephen decided that he would be better off ignoring that remark. He chose a granola and placed it in the cart and he and Christine continued their shopping. They weren’t at the moving-in together stage quite yet, but they were inching towards it and that included doing their shopping together.

They spotted their mystery man twice more, each time peeking out of aisles as though he were being hunted. Given that they’d spotted the reporter three more times, each time with a determined look on her face as she checked aisles, the hunted look was probably deserved.

“I swear, he looks familiar,” Christine murmured the third time they found him. He was carrying a hand basket now, loaded with six different peanut butters and raspberry jams, jellies, and preserves. Stephen didn’t even want to know what he was planning on doing with all of those.

The man winked at them and Christine huffed an amused laugh.

“Need any help?” she asked, and Stephen sent her a disgruntled look. Because no they were not offering to help the mystery man.

The man hesitated. “Don’t suppose you could provide a cover for me while I get these to check out?” He held up the basket. “Pretty sure she has her camera friend watching the check out aisles and I haven’t figured out how to get past him yet.”

“Christine—“ Stephen warned, but Christine was already narrowing her eyes in thought.

After a moment she nodded. “I’ve got it.” She pulled off the baseball cap she’d worn that morning because, ‘I’m too tired to do my hair, Stephen, don’t judge’, and handed it to the mystery man. “Put this on and walk with us. They’re looking for you alone, not with you and your new boyfriend and girlfriend.”

The man threw his head back and laughed, covering Stephen’s appalled, “Christine!”

The man put the hat on. “Rhodey is never going to believe that this wasn’t my idea.” His eyes were bright with amusement. “But you, my devious new girlfriend, deserve something fantastic.”

Christine nodded in satisfaction, quickly fixing her own hair somewhat. “Put your things in our cart.”

The man obeyed. Stephen eyed the items again. “Why do you have six different kinds of peanut butter?” He counted the jams, jellies, and preserves. “And seven different raspberry spreads?”

“I’ve got to make a perfect PB&J sandwich,” the man said. “Everyone knows that raspberry is the best flavor, but my google-fu had differing opinions on which is better: jam, jelly, or preserves. So had to get some of each. And peanut butter… I didn’t even realize there were so many peanut butter options.”

Christine tapped at one of the jams. “This one is the worst brand. Don’t even bother trying it.”

The man gave Christine another one of his bright smiles. “You are clearly the best girlfriend.”

Stephen resisted the urge to snap. It was Christine who had said it first, after all, and Stephen knew better than to cross her while she was being some sort of good samaritan. Though this was really the weirdest good samaritan scenario that Stephen had ever seen her engage in.

Stephen sighed, but tapped at one of the peanut butters. “Healthiest of them, but also grainy and oily at the same time and really not great on sandwiches.”

It was his turn to earn a grin. “I’d say you’re the best boyfriend, but something tells me you’d rather I didn’t.”

Well, the man wasn’t oblivious, at least.

“Stephen’s a sourpuss,” Christine said cheerfully, knocking his arm with her elbow good-naturedly. “Don’t worry, he won’t give us away to your reporter friend, though.”

The man opened his mouth to say something before hissing and whirling around to face the shelves, picking up a box of pasta and holding it in front of his profile; Christine stepped closer to him, partially obscuring him.

Stephen didn’t even need to turn to know that the reporter was there again, he did anyways. She walked right past this time, giving them barely a glance.

“Why is she after you again?” Stephen asked, cursing himself for his genuine curiosity. “I take it you’re some sort of famous?”

“Some sort, yes,” the man agreed. “But that’s not important.”

Christine sent Stephen a look that told him not to push it. Please, as though she wasn’t just as curious as he was.

Was he some sort of tv star? Stephen didn’t watch a lot of tv, so it would make sense that he wouldn’t recognize the man if he were.

They made it back to the peanut butter aisle where Christine helped narrow down the peanut butter and raspberry spread options to three each. Stephen just sighed, trying not to be too long-suffering, but unable to help himself. He really didn’t understand how Christine could be such a nice person. Especially since she was dating him.

“So, I don’t suppose you have a name?” the man asked Christine. “Your boyfriend there is Stephen, but I think I should probably call you something other than best-fake-girlfriend-ever.”

“Christine,” Christine told him. “And you? I probably need something other than the peanut-butter-and-jelly-man.”

“Tony,” Tony answered. “Though your name for me is, unfortunately, very accurate. I’m going to blame Rhodey for all of this. He was the one who challenged me and then abandoned me to come here by myself because he didn’t want to leave the car.”

“Boyfriend? Friend?”

“Best friend,” Tony said, the most genuine smile yet crossing his face. “Brother, really. Also something of a bother, but I probably can’t talk since I’m pretty sure I take the award for biggest bother.” He winced. “Especially lately. Really, the PB&J is going to be an apology sandwich since he’s banned me from giving any of my normal apologies. Apparently, despite the whole ‘made a mess of everything’ I get a little bit of leeway since I was dying and he failed to figure that out and now he feels unnecessarily bad about it.” He scoffed. “Which really, I’m an excellent liar, so of course he didn’t figure it out.”

Stephen stared at him for a long moment. “I feel like that needs a whole analysis,” he said finally, because that had been… a lot. All at once. “What?”

Tony waved his hand. “Not a big deal. Also, please don’t mention that to anyone if you’re ever asked about me. It’s really quite embarrassing. Almost got taken out by heavy metal poisoning of all things.” He scoffed. “Which really, after everything would be such a let down.”

“What?” Christine asked, and she sounded just as blindsided as Stephen felt. How had a simple shopping trip gotten this weird.

Stephen was blaming Christine. They could have just exposed Tony to the reporter at the very beginning and been done with it.

“Not a big deal,” Tony repeated, once again waving his hand as though he could wave the matter away just as easily. “Just me-drama, grossly exaggerated, of course. The two of you seem like the sort not to run around gossiping?”

“Our lips are sealed,” Christine promised. She sent Stephen one of her ‘don’t you dare argue with me’ looks. “Right, Stephen?”

“Right,” Stephen agreed. “I don’t see why we should care enough to expose your secrets, anyways.”

Tony made finger guns at him. “Exactly. There is literally no reason you should care.”

Stephen itched to figure out who Tony really was, because something told him he was going to be kicking himself later for not immediately recognizing him.

“Anything else you need?” Christine asked. “Bread?”

Tony shook his head. “No, bread has already been chosen and retrieved.” He rubbed his hands together in anticipation. “Rhodey is going to have to eat his words after he eats this sandwich.”

Given Tony had to make and eat at least nine sandwiches before he figured out the ‘best’ sandwich, Stephen was fairly certain that Rhodey was the one who was really winning this little bet of theirs. 

“A piece of advice,” Stephen suggested. Because he could be nice. Sometimes. “Toast the bread just slightly before you put the peanut butter and jelly on, it’ll keep the bread from getting soggy.

“Very true,” Christine agreed.

“Toast the bread,” Tony said to himself. “Right. Do I have a toaster?” He seemed to genuinely be considering the question before he shrugged. “I probably have a toaster.”

“How do you not know if you have a toaster?” Stephen asked, bewildered.

Tony shrugged. “I mostly survive off of coffee.”

Stephen suddenly suspected he knew just why this Rhodey had started this bet, it was probably just to force Tony to eat actual food.

“As a doctor, I’ve got to suggest that you eat actual food,” Christine said.

“A doctor?” Tony looked interested. “Specialty?”

“Trauma surgeon in the ER,” Christine said quickly, looking pleased. “Stephen’s a neurosurgeon. We’re both at Metro General.”

“Metro General,” Tony repeated, a thoughtful look suddenly appearing in his eyes. “I admit, I’m incredibly curious to compare the funding of New York hospitals compared to California ones. How well is Metro General funded?”

Stephen sighed, because this was something of a pet peeve of Christine’s, the disproportionate split in funding between different parts of the hospital. Sure enough, Christine immediately launched into her normal diatribe about lack of funding and the disgrace that was their MRI machine situation. Tony just nodded along, listening intently as they made their way up to the the check out, only hiding twice at the sight of Everhart.

Really, Stephen was starting to understand Tony’s determination to avoid her. That woman was persistent.

They made it to the check out and chose the shortest line. “You’ll let me pay, won’t you?” Tony asked, or rather it felt a bit like a demand. “To thank you for your rather remarkable save.”

“We don’t need—“

Tony rolled his eyes. “I’m sure you don’t need it, but I’d appreciate the opportunity.”

Christine hesitated. “We technically have two separate groceries here.”

Tony just shrugged. “That’s fine.”

“Well, I don’t know,” Christine said slowly, and Stephen could see her mentally tallying how much everything cost.

“Don’t worry about cost,” Tony said, a little amused, skin crinkling around his eyes. “I may not be a surgeon, but I assure you, I’m doing just fine. And really, you saved me from Everhart. That woman is a menace.”

He was some sort of famous, Stephen remembered. Which meant that he probably was well enough off.

“I suppose.” She started loading the groceries onto the conveyor belt. “But that’s not why we helped you out,” Christine said. She sounded a little aggrieved that Tony might possibly think that they’d helped him just so he’d paid for their groceries.

“I know. You two are just good people.”

Stephen coughed.

“Well, you’re a good person, Christine. Stephen is just along for the ride,” Tony corrected. He froze. “Shit.”

He ducked down a little. Stephen turned to see what had caught his attention and saw a man moving toward them, a camera around his neck and pulling his phone out to apparently call someone.

“Stephen,” Christine said. “Don’t get mad at me.”

Stephen turned back toward her. “Wha—“ He blinked as Christine suddenly pulled Tony in for a kiss.

He heard Tony make a surprised noise before Tony went along with it. Stephen found himself staring at the sight of his girlfriend kissing their fake boyfriend of the hour. It was… a very bizarre, but somewhat intriguing experience. Stephen shook his head, dismissing the thought as he glanced at the camera man who had hesitated, clearly no long certain that Tony was the person he was looking for.

After a long moment, the man turned away.

“Alright.” Stephen cleared his throat. “He’s moved on.”

Christine pulled back. Tony blinked at her, twice. Then looked at Stephen. Then looked back at Christine. “I have got to say,” Tony said after a moment. “It is really weird to be the speechless one in a situation like this.” Suddenly a gleam entered his eyes. “Though, I’m certainly not going to complain.”

Christine sniffed as though offended at the very thought of Tony needing to complain about kissing her. “Of course not.”

Tony just stared at her a moment longer before he turned to Stephen. “I’d apologize. But really, she started that.”

Stephen sighed.

“You know,” Christine suggested, tone suddenly amused. “You could always make it fair and kiss Stephen, too.”

“What?” Stephen asked, taken aback again.

“Huh.” Tony seemed to be considering that. “I mean, I’m not going to say no.”

Stephen huffed. “I don’t see the point in—“

“Camera man incoming,” Christine chirped in, pushing Stephen forward and toward Tony. Stephen stumbled a little, running into the cart with his hip as he nearly crashed into Tony.

The order was rather clear. “Oh fine.” He was going to get Christine back for this. He leaned forward and kissed Tony. He could feel Tony’s surprise in the kiss before Tony got into it, kissing Stephen back. He could feel Tony smiling into the kiss, clearly amused by this whole thing.

“Alright, we’re good,” Christine said after a very long, very enjoyable moment.

Stephen pulled back, blinking down at Tony. At least he knew why Christine had wanted him to kiss Tony. Because Tony was very good at it. He glanced at Christine who was smiling at him mischievously and with no little hint of smugness.

Tony laughed, and it was a bright sound. “Sweet Science. This is the best shopping trip I’ve ever been on.”

“That’ll be $280.64,” the clerk interrupted. Stephen noted that they looked as though they really weren’t sure what to make of the three of them.

Tony turned, pulling his wallet from his pocket. “Right. I got that.”

Tony paid and they loaded the groceries back into the cart, splitting them into Christine’s, Stephen’s, and Tony’s.

They had just made it out of the store when an incredibly expensive looking Audi Roadster pulled in front of them, an exasperated looking man at the wheel. The man looked at Tony. “It’s peanut butter and jelly? How long does that even take? I was starting to think I was going to have to go in and find you.”

“Rhodey, meet my fake boyfriend and girlfriend for the hour, Stephen and Christine. They saved me from Everhart.”

Rhodey just stared at them, before he let out the sort of long-suffering sigh that Stephen had been suppressing this whole time. “I am so sorry that Tony somehow dragged—“

“Hey! It was her idea.” Tony pulled off Christine’s hat, handing it back to Christine. “Which really, I should thank you for again.” Tony winked at Christine. “Absolutely the best fake girlfriend I’ve ever had.” He glanced at Stephen. “And you weren’t bad either.”

Stephen couldn’t even defend himself, because that was fair. Christine just laughed. “Well, next time you need to hide from reporters and we’re around, we’ll be happy to help.”

Rhodey sighed. “Don’t even. He does not need the encouragement.”

Tony dropped his bags of peanut butter and raspberry spreads into the car before he slid in to the passenger seat. “I need all the encouragement.” He winked at them. “And as far as evasion tactics go, yours are brilliant. Thanks for the sandwich tips. I’ll send more appropriate thanks on, later after I’ve won the bet.” He turned to Rhodey as though just realizing something. “Why the hell are you driving? This is my car!”

Rhodey seemed to take that as permission to go, because a moment later they were gone.

Stephen turned to Christine. “This whole situation was your fault.”

Christine shrugged. “I’m fine with that. I had fun. Who knew having a fake boyfriend could be quite that exciting.” She hummed. “I wonder who he was?”

“Probably never going to know,” Stephen muttered. “And he’s probably not as important as he made himself sound.” Honestly, Stephen wasn’t sure how much of what the man said that they should take seriously. Who even treated near-death by heavy metal poisoning like it had been more of an inconvenience than anything?

Then again, Tony himself had said that he was a good liar. Stephen was going to take everything he’d said with a grain of salt.

“I don’t know…” Christine said slowly. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something about him that’s itching at my brain.” She tapped at the cart handle. “I really feel like I should know who he is. I’m going to feel ridiculous when I finally figure it out.”

Stephen actually agreed, the feeling that he should know who Tony was, but just couldn’t place him plagued him. “Well, it doesn’t matter anymore,” Stephen said, dismissing the thought. “I can’t see it mattering after this.”

Christine paused for a moment and then agreed. They headed for Stephen’s car to unload their groceries.

They had just pulled out of the parking lot when Christine started laughing. 

Stephen glanced at her before focusing back on the road. “What?”

“I wonder how long Everhart is going to be scouring the store looking for Tony.” She shook her head. “That poor woman. I’d feel bad for her if it weren’t for the fact that helping to work around her was as much fun as it was.”

Stephen huffed a laugh. He supposed it was somewhat amusing. He hoped it took her at least a little while longer to give up on finding Tony.  It was her fault Stephen had even gotten into that situation in the first place and it felt karmic that she have to deal with the whole thing longer than necessary. As it was, he was going to mark today down as his weirdest grocery shopping experience and silently hope that nothing like it ever happened again.

Though, it was good to see Christine as happy about it as she was. He supposed it hadn’t been too terrible.

That, and at least he got free groceries out of the experience.

And an admittedly very nice kiss, girlfriend approved and everything.

 

“Doctor Palmer, Doctor Strange.” Doctor Broussard looked like Christmas had come early despite the fact that it was June as he rushed to catch up to them. Stephen didn’t think he’d ever seen the doctor run through the hallway like that before and he straightened immediately in preparation for whatever had sent the doctor running after them. “I don’t know what the two of you did, but thank you.”

“What are you thanking us for?” Christine asked, head tilted curiously as she searched for her phone in her bag. “I don’t think we’ve done anything particularly worth being thanked for.” Stephen, who was more than willing to take credit for any number of things, couldn’t think of anything particularly worth this level of thanks either.

“Tony Stark just funded the purchase of half a dozen, top-of-the-line new MRI machines and then an additional donation for us to spend as we want.” Doctor Broussard shook his head, eyes gleaming. “He was very generous. And said that it was in thanks to the two of you and ‘services rendered’.”

“Tony Stark,” Stephen said slowly. Tony. Tony Stark. He really was kicking himself. How did he not recognize Tony Stark!? The man was in the news constantly. Tony Stark was peanut-butter-and-jelly-man as Christine had called him. They’d pretended to be Tony Stark’s boyfriend and girlfriend. They’d kissed Tony Stark.

“Oh god,” Christine murmured; Stephen knew she was thinking that exact same thing he was. “That’s… wow.”

“Can I ask what the two of you did?” Doctor Broussard asked, clearly curious. “It must have been quite the service.”

“It was a consultation,” Stephen said smoothly. They had, after all, consulted on the peanut butter and jelly situation. Well, more Christine than him, but still. He’d helped a little bit. “We’re sworn to silence, unfortunately.”

“NDAs,” Doctor Broussard said in understanding. Stephen figured it was best to let him think that.

“Right,” Christine said, voice still a little faint. “He quizzed us on Metro General’s situation, I didn’t realize he was going to do…” she waved a hand at the hospital in general. “Well, this.”

It really was rather excessive for having done nothing more than help him avoid a very dedicated reporter.

“Well, Metro General appreciates your consultation well done,” Doctor Broussard said again. “Truly.”

“Right,” Christine repeated. She shook her head. “Well, Stephen and I have to go. We’ve got plans for the night.”

They didn’t, but Stephen was more than willing to lie about that matter if it got them out of this frankly bewildering conversation.

They’d just netted the hospital half a dozen new MRI machines… from Tony Stark. Because they’d pretended to be his boyfriend and girlfriend in order to help him evade a reporter.

This was quite possibly the most surreal moment of Stephen’s life.

Doctor Broussard let them go and they made their way to Stephen’s car. Christine was staying the night and they hadn’t seen the point in two cars. 

“I can’t believe that just happened,” Christine said. “I can’t believe we… and then we… Peanut butter and jelly. Oh God.”

“That sounds about right,” Stephen said, knowing his voice sounded equally astounded. And to think that Christine had felt bad about letting him buy them groceries and then he went and got the hospital six MRI machines.

It was, quite honestly, the most ridiculous thing Stephen had ever heard of.

Both of their phones went off at the same moment, once, then twice. Christine already had her phone in her hand and swiped the message open.

“Oh my…” Stephen glanced at her and saw her blush bright red. “You should check your messages, Stephen.”

Stephen finally pulled his own phone out and found a text sent to both him and Christine.

From: Unknown Number

Totally won the PB&J bet, just so you know. Clearly thanks to your remarkable consultation.

And if the two of you ever feel like taking the ‘fake’ out of our relationship, do let me know. ;)

For a long moment they both just stood there in silence. Stephen’s brain felt as though it had just been fried.

“You know,” Christine’s voice was suddenly very mild, as though they had not just been propositioned for a relationship by Tony Stark. She had a thoughtful look on her face, a considering look on her face. And really, what was there even to consider? “We definitely need to put a ban on thank yous that are quite this excessive… but after that, we should definitely ask him to dinner.”

Stephen couldn’t help the strangled note in his voice. “Christine!”

Notes:

I needed one final story for February bingo and NOTHING WAS WORKING until this morning when this crack idea came to me and refused to leave until I wrote it down. So, here we are. Free space prompt. Three's the lucky number!

Also, obviously Pepper and Tony did not get together at the end of Iron Man 2, and instead are staying the amazing friends that they are.

I have no idea why Rhodey and Tony were in New York, or how the peanut butter and jelly sandwich challenge came to be. But they are and it happened. That's all I've got for you.

Also, I've been wanting to write another thing of Christine/Tony/Stephen, and here we are.

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