Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

" So, this is it. You are scored on my heart, Clark. You have been the first day you walked in with your sweet smile and your ridiculous clothes and your bad jokes and your complete inability to ever hide a single thing you felt. Don't think of me too often. I don't want you getting sad. Just live well. Just live. I'll be walking beside you every step of the way. Love, Will."

Porchay took what felt like the thousandth tissue out of the tissue box and wiped his tears aggressively. He didn't need to look in the mirror to know that he was probably looking like someone who just had an ugly mental breakdown. This is why he hated sad endings to movies. Like what was even the point? You show us all the lovely dovey shit and give us hope and then boom - everything gone? He sighs and puts his laptop aside.

Laying on the bed he lets his thoughts drift. He once thought that he too, was destined for a tragic ending. One where he was just a source of information. Where he was just a stepping stone for someone to walk over and achieve their ulterior motives. And to top all of this, the said someone was the person who taught him what love sounded like, what it looked like and how it felt like even before he himself knew any of that.

Porchay feels a lone tear slide off his cheeks and wipes it away quickly. There's no need to dwell in the past . He's happy now. Too happy.

It's been 2 months since the whole 'minor family barging in uninvited to the major family compound and killing their own blood related people unprovoked' thingy. And exactly 1 month since Kim sent him THAT video followed by him knocking on Porchay's bedroom door the very next day in the middle of the night. "It's a matter of life and death Chay", was what he gave as an excuse.

Looking back now Chay realises that it definitely WAS a matter of life and death.

A loud ping pulls him out of his thoughts and his hand immediately starts patting his bed to find his phone and check whatever notification he just got.

He finds his phone resting in the small space between the edge of the bed and between the wall just on the verge of slipping and carefully retrieves it. He unlocks his phone to check what it was about.

"@wiksbigtoe see what's been happening on Twitter. @therealWIK , @is.there.a.1d.reunion.today?, @dailydoggos and 356 others tweeted. Log onto your account to catch up"

Porchay snorts while reading the usernames of the account he had been following on his WIK stan account. A one direction reunion? You bet.

Chay never really logged back into his fan account after Kim began tutoring him, as it would have been kind of awkward to swoon over WIK's microwave quality pictures when the man himself used to sit in front of him in high definition. And then the whole, "Im sorry" thing happened and he really didn't have the courage to look at a timeline filled with posts about his ex? boyfriend?.

Having nothing else to do, he opened his Twitter app and logged onto his fan account. As expected, he was bombarded with loads of updates and pictures of his boyfriend as well as several messages asking him about his whereabouts. He quickly scrolled through his messages apologizing and replying to his online friends as geniunely as he could and then went back to his For You page.

There was nothing really new there. All the pictures he had already seen, having taken majority of them and the rest shown to him by Kim himself. He kept scrolling mindlessly until he stumbled upon a quote tweet.

@wiksavedmylife: Wow that's what you're concerned about? Really shows what kind of mentality you have. Who gave you the right though?

Having a faint idea what this was gonna be about and dreading it already, Chay clicked on the tweet which @wiksavedmylife was tweeting about.
It was a picture which Kim posted about a week ago. The picture showed Chay's back. It was from when they were in Korea the previous week and were taking a midnight walk around Seoul. Chay's side profile was faintly visible and you could make out the smile he was giving Kim. He really liked that picture. Kim had insisted on posting this on his official account saying -''My fans won't mind me having the best time of my life with my favorite person. Besides, I know it's just been a while but I don't want to keep you as a secret Chay. I want everyone to know how lucky I am to have you, however cheesy that may sound. Although I can wait if you aren't comfortable right now.''

Setting his lingering fears aside, he told Kim he didn't mind him posting their pictures together. Chay knew what was coming the second Kim posted the picture with the caption, 'Everywhere we are, feels like where I belong' with a white heart next to it. But he told himself that it didn't matter as long as they were happy.

Chay read the aforementioned tweet and felt nauseous.

@wikmiana_real: Is Wik gay......

@wikiii: @wimiana_real I don't think so. He doesn't look like it.

@onlywik: @wikiii He doesn't look gay? What is this 16th century thinking ?

Porchay smiles weakly. Not all comments were bad.

@notahater: Who is the other guy though. Looks a bit weird.

Huh? The picture looked perfectly fine to Chay. He zooms in close. Maybe his smile is too wide. Or maybe his nose is too big. Or his freckles look disgusting. He was told as such in school quite a few times. He continued scrolling.

There were a few comments here and there with dozens of puking emojis. Maybe they were bot accounts.

@fadeto200million: I can't believe I'm witnessing strangers guessing their supposed idol's sexuality online, so comfortably, and commenting on a person's looks who very obviously is someone important to him. Go touch some grass.

@wikworld: @notahater How can you call someone weird when nothing is clearly visible except their back. You're just looking for a reason to spread hate, be honest.

Porchay continued scrolling. He never wanted to be the reason for any drama in Kim's work life. Maybe he should've asked Kim not to post it. Or maybe he should've looked more presentable. Should've adjusted his posture or smiled a bit nicely. Maybe he should hide his freckles when he goes out. They don't look good anyway, he guesses. Kim has a reputation to maintain.

@wikookie: ohmygod he looks cute. Who is he though?

@prettywik: Wik is a hopeless romantic y'all. I'm crying.

@walkingwithwik: me when god :/

@hehe: Wik is hotter. He deserves so much better.

@wiksarmpithair: if this ain't love then Idk what is.

@wiklovesmiana: Wik would look so much better with-

The sound of the doorbell ringing startles Chay. Realising the time he immediately closes Twitter and practically bolts towards the door, momentarily forgetting about all the comments.

As soon as he opened the door, he was tackled down by a bone crushing hug resulting in him falling on the floor with the said company.

''Hi baby''

Chapter Text

" Hi baby"

Chay struggles to remove the long strands of his boyfriend's hair from his eyes and tries to sit up to look at him.

However Kim further nuzzles his head into Chay's neck and takes a deep breath, tightening his grip around his waist.

"Are you sniffing me right now?"

Kim chuckles slightly and pulls his head upwards to look at him. Chay swears he feels the air in his lungs knocking out.

It's been quite some time since them taking their relationship further. But the way Kim looked at chay every single time was unreal. He gets this faraway look in his eyes with such a soft smile on his face as if Chay himself had hung up the stars and the moon for him.

Chay feels his cheeks heating up and slowly lowers himself down on the floor again. Kim follows , putting his chin on Chay's shoulders.

"You don't know what you do to me Chay."
Kim whispers .

Moving his fingers through Kim's hair, chay whispers equally low,"Neither do you P'kim. "

They lay on the floor for a few minutes, quietly holding each other, not caring how it would look like for someone to walk right in and see such a sight.

Releasing a breath he didn't even know he was holding, chay slightly nudges Kim.

''C'mon P'Kim , get up now. You must be hungry. We can't lay here forever "

"But I want to"

"Stop pouting at me . You won't get any food if you keep looking at me like that, refusing to move. Up-up"

"My puppy dog eyes don't work anymore. That's sad."

"I'm immune to them when it concerns your health baby."

"That 'baby' is going to be the death of me one day, i swear."

Porchay mutters a quick 'sure' and shoves Kim around , getting up quickly and leaving a dramatic Kim lying on the floor.

Chay checks the time on his phone.

6:00pm

"Did you eat your meds today P'kim?And hopefully not with an empty stomach?"

When chay hears nothing but light shuffles of feet , he sighs and turns back around to look at Kim who had the audacity to look guilty.

"Not eating meds will surely be the death of you one day P'kim"

Kim huffs and sits down on the dining table muttering something about it not being so serious.

______

"Huh?"

Chay heard Kim's voice when he entered their bedroom carrying freshly cleaned blankets. He plops them on the bed and raises an eyebrow at Kim who was looking deep in thought.

"Was any of my interviews supposed to drop today?" Kim mutters quietly.

"Hmm?" Chay hums getting ready for bed.

"Wik is trending."

Chay stills. He could be wrong about this. He hopes he's wrong about this. But if he's right, he really doesn't want Kim to see all that.

Before he could do something though, Kim clicks on the hashtag and starts scrolling.

"People are cleansing their timelines here."

Not giving him the time to scroll further, chay launches his whole body on Kim, snatches his phone and keeps it away on his side of the bed stand.

"No time for this, nuh-uh. If it's something serious you'll know it from your manager first. So don't worry and sleep now. " Chay gently kisses Kim's forehead. "You've had a long day."

Kim looks at him for a second , trying to decipher something. Chay knows that Kim is not entirely convinced but he slowly nods anyway.

"I'll go change."

"Uh-huh"

When Kim was out of sight, chay quickly took his own phone and rushes to Twitter to see what was happening.

@notahater: Wasn't aware that people were not allowed to express their opinions about their idols anymore.

@walkingwithwik: @notahter That was you expressing you oPiNiOn?

@wikuniv: @notahater Thinking your opinion about your idol's love life matters is a joke in itself.

Porchay scrolls further down, the tweets draining his energy.

@hehe: Wik would never date that guy. I mean he clearly has a type and that is so not HIM.

Chay feels his eyes burning. He looks up and blinks rapidly to keep the tears at bay. 

@wiksgf: if he IS dating that guy though, then I'm afraid his standards have dropped low as hell-

"How many boxers having ducks printed on them have you got me Chay?"
Chay hears Kim saying followed by him walking in and drops his phone to the side where it wasn't visible.

"Enough to last a lifetime. Besides they look adorable on you." Chay feigns a cheerful voice and says.

Kim averts his gaze from the ducks and looks at him. A couple of seconds go by and chay thinks that Kim is going to call him out.

Instead kim walks towards the bed and closes the gap between them by kissing Chay's forehead.

"You know I love you right?"

It felt as if Kim was giving him a chance to speak what was on his mind. But chay wasn't brave enough.

"I know. I love you too Phi. Always have."

"Always will."

 Chay wishes he was confident and secure enough about himself like Kim. He doesn't want his silly insecurities to hold them both down.

As Chay sleeps with Kim's arms pulling him impossibly closer, he hopes to whichever God is listening, to let their relationship be that one place, where Kim finds the comfort he was deprived of his entire life.

Chapter Text

''Hey. Baby, wake up. Waaaaaake up"

"Who-wha-oh-you-" Chay mumbles pouting sleepily.

"Fucking adorable''

''Stop talking. Lemme sleep"

"Okay."

The next thing Porchay feels are fingers. Lots of them. Tickling him everywhere. Unless Kim suddenly grew an exta pair of hands, there was definitely someone else in the room. Porchay jumps up and tries to get away from the attackers while trying to regain his breathing from laughing too much.

"Get up you sleepyhead. I missed you."

Porchay looks up to see Porsche standing on the side of his bed. He gets up at once and launches himself on his brother's arms unceremoniously.

''Ohmygod, I missed you too Hia. When did you get back?"

"Just fifteen minutes earlier." Porchay turned to see Kinn standing at the doorway. ''It felt like Porsche would jump right out of the airplane as soon as we entered the city.''

"You know I can get kinda umm...restless after not talking or seeing you for so many days, Nong." Porsche explains sheepishly.

"Yeah, I can relate to that.'' Porchay hears his boyfriend mutter somewhere behind him and smiles, still clinging on to his brother.

"Of course you can, you simp!'' Kinn says and Chay untangles himself just in time to see Kim throw a bambi plushie straight at Kinn.

''As if you are any better.'' Kim scoffs and starts walking out of the room with Kinn joining behind.

''Anyway, we have a meeting in 4 hours, so we won't be here long. So, go now and freshen up, I'll prepare the breakfast-" Chay opens his mouth to argue when Porsche shuts him quickly."- And no, I'm not tired but I WILL go crazy if I have to sit and do nothing for another 7 hours or so."

Chay nods reluctantly and gets up. On his way to the bathroom, he notices Kim and Kinn talking-almost whispering-in the living room. Kinn was looking worried and Kim had this blank expression.

Chay takes a mental note to ask Kim if everything is fine later.

______________

''I wanna write you a song
One as beautiful as you are sweet
Just a hint of pain for the feeling
That I get when you are gone
I wanna write you a song." Kim whisper sings the last line and strums the guitar strings waiting for Porchay to start.

"I wanna lend you my coat
One that's as soft as your cheek.
So when the world is cold
You will have a hiding place you can go."

Kim feels his heartbeat quickening and suddenly gets this strong urge to wrap his arms around Chay and hide him from everyone else. Keeping him all for himself.

I wanna lend you my coat." Porchay finishes and shyly looks up from the guitar strings to see his brother flashing a proud smile at him. Kinn is looking at Kim with a similar expression although a bit hesitantly as if scared of Kim shutting him out for showing too much emotion.

Their relationship has improved drastically in the last two months with their father out of the way and with Tankhun forcing them to have a 'Brothers only movie night' every Saturday. They still have a long way to go when it comes to showing their love and concern for each other, but baby steps it is.

"I didn't know watching my brother sing a sappy love song with his boyfriend would get me all emotional one day, but here we are." Porsche jokes looking at both of them proudly.

"You both sound magical together. It almost feels like we are third wheeling.''

"Yeah, cause you ARE.''

Chay gasps and slaps Kim's shoulders playfully. Kim just shrugs in return.

"Oh I almost forgot. When are you coming back home Chay?" Porsche asked and Porchay suddenly felt his heart drop.

He almost forgot. He had to go back. After Kim and Porchay had gotten back together, Kim had asked him to move in with him. Of course, Porchay had been uncertain about it, and didn't want to rush things yet again. Therefore, he had asked Porsche to let him stay over at Kim's apartment for a while. The 'while' not being defined then.

But now, it was different. Living here , with Kim , felt like home in itself. Porchay had created a space for himself here. It felt safe. It felt warm. It felt joyous.

It felt like HOME. Their home.

Of course , he missed Porsche, Kinn and Tankhun sometimes, but it was better than living in the compound with dozens of rooms and barely any people to have a conversation with. Besides, Kim won't be there.

"I....umm... I like it here Hia." Porchay started. " I'm not saying that I don't wanna come back, ", he quickly clarified seeing Porsche's face suddenly dropping low. "It's just that I kind of feel umm alone there. Sometimes its suffocating. And I don't want to bother anyone too much there." Porchay felt stupid. But he had to let it out now.

"And no I don't want to hear you saying, that you'll take time out for me whenever you can, because I know you can't. I'm saying this as honestly as I can Hia, but you have your work to do, much more important than babysitting me. And no matter how much I miss you, I don't want you worrying about me being there and you not being able to spend time with me. I don't wanna be a burden to you." Porchay didn't dare look up. Not until he heard soft sniffling sounds.

"You'll never be a burden to me, Chay. Never had been and never, ever will be. Stop questioning your place in my life. One word from you ,Chay and I'll leave everything behind for you. You need to understand that YOU made my life worth living for me, even when I had no hope or a visible path to move forward. You're ALWAYS my priority Nong, before anyone else."

"And it's not babysitting Chay. It's just me wanting to spend some time with my only baby brother, understand?" Porsche corrected Chay with a look which would have been terrifying, if not for the tears threatening to spill out from his eyes.

"You can trust him when he says that Porchay. Believe me when I say that I wish I could be half as good as he is as a brother to Kim." Kinn says, coming forward, putting his hands on Porsche's shoulders. "We respect your decision of staying here either way. Your comfort and happiness is all what matters, Nong."

Chay nodded trying to smile for his brother's sake.

Chay felt arms wrap around him and he immediately leaned towards them knowing it's Kim.

"It's okay, baby. Everyone here loves you. You're not alone, alright?" Kim whispered softly for just the two of them to listen.

"Ayy Kinn , your brother is trying to become the knight in shining armor again." Porsche looked and Kinn and said, side-eying Kim and Chay.

"Ufghjsghanabjshsnhcm", Kim mumbled gibberish on Chay's neck where he was shoved by Porsche slamming himself into the hug.

"The emotional constipation runs in the family, I guess." Porsche looked at Kinn and detached himself from the hug only to jump back in, followed by an awkward looking Kinn.

---------------

"-and then he slammed the tray on Vegas' head out of nowhere"

"No way." Porchay shudders thinking about the infamous cousin.

''Oh absolutely. You can never have a dull moment with Tankhun, believe me." Porsche said, smiling softly. "Anyway, it's almost time for us to leave. As much as I would love to stay and watch Kinn lose his fourth game of monopoly, we have a meeting to attend."

''I was losing those games intentionally for you though." Kinn states in a 'matter-of-fact' tone, standing up, getting ready to leave.

''Sure-sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night, love.'' They all get outside through the front door, with Kim leading the way.

"You're a sore loser, admit it and move on." Kim supplies.

''Nobody even plays that game anymore. It's stupid.'' Kinn defends.

Kim scoffs and leads them towards their car parked a few blocks away. Kinn gets inside first, sending an acknowledging nod to Kim and Porchay. Porsche lingers behind, hugging Chay for a solid one minute reminding him to take care of himself and to eat more. He even went forward and hugged Kim. Kim looked constipated. Chay wonders if he looks like that everytime he hugs Kim.

Just as Porsche went inside the car and was about to close the door, he suddenly gave a knowing, pointed look to Chay and started-''Now I know I've given you, 'the bees and the birds' talk when you were younger, and I hope you had too-" Porsche turned to look at Kinn, who very much did NOT have any such conversation with Kim and neither did he plan on doing it anytime in the near future-thankyouverymuch-''but in case you need a reminder, unprotected sex-''

"HIA. ILOVEYOU. BYE.'' Chay blurts out interrupting what was about to become the most awkward conversation of his entire life and slams the door of the car with a newfound force. "YOU LITTLE SHIT! LISTEN TO ME." Porsche yells, putting his head out of the car window, looking ready to jump out and finish his 'talk'. Thankfully, Kinn sensed the awkwardness and ordered the guard to start the car immediately, bringing the engine to life, eventually cutting out Porsche's not- so flattering words.

As they watch the car slowly getting distant, Kim mutters, ''Well, that was interesting.''

Porchay laughs nervously and intertwines their fingers while walking back inside, the love and content in his heart threatening to spill out. "Wouldn't trade it for anything else though.''

Chapter Text

@sunshineandwik: @chokemewik How about you stop putting your nose where it doesn't belong?

@fadeawayaway: God, sometimes I'm grateful that Wik is like an 80 year old when it comes to handling his socials. I don't want him seeing any of this.

@wiksavedmylife: @fadeawayaway I know right? People really need to come out of the fantasy world they've created for themselves.

@chokemewik: Why are so many people mad at me? I just stated my opinion. I felt like Wik can do better than some annoying highschooler, therefore I said it. He was better with Jennie anyway. At least, they looked compatible.

@notahater: @chokemewik OHMYGOD YES. They were a power couple for real. The chemistry was unreal. And now.....imagine the downgrade.

@hehe: Let's just hope he is Wik's brother or something. Lol.

Chay stopped scrolling for a moment. The tweets were slowly getting less frequent with each passing day. There were still some, here and there but the nice ones usually overshadowed them.

Though, Chay couldn't help but feel the gnawing feeling growing in the pit of his stomach, with each comment he read about how Kim deserved better.

Of course, he knew that Kim had always been out of his reach. Sometimes, he still couldn't believe that someone like him would like Chay back. There were far better and far talented people in the entertainment industry. People like Kim. People with whom Kim would feel more connected to, on so many levels. Maybe Chay was pulling him back. With the lack of luck in his life, he would surely bring Kim down with him one day. That's what has always happened to the people he loved. His parents had died even before he had the chance to know what their love felt like. Even his own brother had to sacrifice his whole childhood just to ensure Chay a secure future. Porsche had to work extra shifts, participate in illegal fights, and of course, indulge himself in the mafia for him.

Maybe HE is the bad luck in everyone's life. Maybe Kim really deserves someone better.

The sound of the doorbell ringing brought Porchay back from his thoughts.

Kim wasn't supposed to come back until a couple more hours.

Porchay ran fingers through his hair, adjusted his shirt to look more presentable and rushed to the door at once. When he opened the door though, it was a familiar face which greeted him.

"Oh. P'Derek. Nice to see you again."

Derek's eyes widened just a bit when he saw Chay. The last time Porchay had seen of him was when he had asked him about Kim's whereabouts when he was ignoring his texts. Chay ignored the flood of bitter memories constricting his heart.

''Umm Porchay right?" He continued when Chay nodded with a smile. ''Actually, I'm here to see Kim. Is he around?''

"He is not here yet. He's probably at the studio. Is there something I can maybe help you with?''

"Oh yeah. Kim had asked for these documents a few days back. And one second." Derek took his wallet out and shuffled through it until he got whatever he was looking for and held it out to Chay. "Here's the address of the recording studio he was searching for. Give these to him positively. I'll leave now."

Derek gave Chay one last look before turning back, as if he couldn't believe that Chay was standing in front of him. Chay shuffled through the documents and was about to close the door when he saw a card latched onto the carpet. He bent and picked it up to realize that it was Derek's ID of some sort.

Hoping he had not already driven away, Chay dashed through the stairs as fast as he could. When he was almost there, he heard Derek's laugh and sighed in relief realizing he wasn't too late. However, what he heard next, rendered his feet unmoving.

"Kim probably pities the boy. But letting him live in his house? That's next level dude."

"Yeah, yeah. The boy is insanely clingy if anything. He stalked him till his apartment, even when Kim was trying to ignore his sorry ass.''

There was a pause. Probably the person on the other end of the phone was saying similar things. Then-

"Absolutely man. I don't even know what he's doing here. I heard he confessed his 'undying love' to Kim some two or three months ago and guess what-Kim literally left him on the pavement, crying his heart out. Would've been a sight to see for sure." A laugh followed.

''Can't believe he still thinks he has a chance. It was cute until the tutoring I guess. But I gotta commend his nerves dude. I mean, there's KIM and then there's HIM."

Unable to hear all that any longer, Porchay turned back and started walking back towards the apartment, the ID slipping through his fingers without even knowing.

His legs were starting to tremble slightly, but he kept on walking up the stairs.

Suddenly, all of the instances, where he felt like an intruder alongside Kim, started playing in his mind.

When he once hung out with Kim and his friends in his studio, and realized that he was practically invisible to his friends. No one tried to initiate any conversation with him and when he himself did, one or two word answers was all he got. He never went back again, giving excuses every time Kim asked him.

When he once went on a dinner with Kim and got disapproving looks from the waitress serving them, while Kim was getting hit on. Though, Kim rejected any advances which the waitress was trying to make towards him, barely giving her a look.

Everyone always made him feel like he never belonged besides Kim. Maybe if he was a bit more like his brother- more confident, had a nice face to look at, was strong-both emotionally and physically, maybe then people would have approved him for Kim.

Porchay couldn't think of one good thing about himself. Kim was talented, had a voice of an angel, had unreal looks, was smart, powerful, successful, knew his way around people and he could go on and on.

Compared to all that, Porchay felt useless. A nobody.

Kim doesn't deserve a nobody.

Porchay didn't know how long was he staring at the apartment door, but once he regained a bit of composure, he opened it and went straight to his bed.

In order to calm himself down and distract himself a bit, he opened Twitter to visit his favourite 'why you should have a cat' account. Though he realised at once that he had forgotton to log out of his fan account when the first thing he saw was his own photo from about a year ago. Most probably taken from his main account, though he doesn't know how anyone really found it, considering Kim never tagged him on THAT photo.

People really took time out from their lives to find Chay's ID and stalk him all the way to a year and a half back, huh?

People were retweeting it constantly calling Chay several things which were......not too nice. Some were even calling him a 'gold digger'. Porchay tried to laugh at the absurdity of all this. He tried.

But all that came out was a choking sound which eventually resulted in a coughing fit and some tears here and there, which Chay refused to acknowledge.

He's just overthinking everything, he assures himself. He just needs some time alone, without any thoughts running on his head. With that, he laid down and closed his eyes, letting his tears fall.

------------

Kim opened the apartment door with the spare key he had with him. He tiptoed inside and closed the door behind him, carefully, trying not to make any sound.

He kept the packet of small sunflower charms and strings behind his back with one hand and with the other, he pushed the door to their room gently, not intending to wake Chay up in case he was sleeping.

What he saw, though, made him smile in a split second.

Porchay was fast asleep. So much so, that he didn't feel Kim come inside the apartment. Kim smiled faintly when he saw his love sleeping peacefully on their bed. He could get used to this. To Chay sleeping like a fucking angel , sprawled on their bed.

Kim wanted this to last forever. Whatever little domesticity they both had acquired in the last two-almost three months, he wanted to double it, and then live in the small world they had created for themselves. Just the two of them, with no one else to pull them apart.

Maybe Kim was moving too fast. Mybe he was thinking too far, but he didn't mind as long as Chay was on the same page. He knew he wanted Chay in his future. There was not even a point percent doubt about that.

His future.

Their.

Their future.

Chay looked ethereal. Not wanting to wake him up, he quietly walked towards the bed and gently ran his fingers through Chay's hair. When he looked closely though, there were light stains of tears on Chay's cheeks.

Kim frowned. Had Chay been crying?

Chapter Text

''I don't care. Check all the security cameras around the building and prepare me a list of all the people coming in or going out in the last four hours. I'll give you half an hour for this.''

''Yes sir. Right away.'' Big replied.

Kim ended the call and sighed. Maybe he was overreacting, but he needed to be sure everything was okay.

Kim went inside their bedroom and looked for Chay's laptop. When he found it safely tucked inside the laptop bag, he picked it up and walked towards the hall once again. Maybe Chay had cried after watching a movie. Maybe there wasn't any need to be worried at all. It had happened once. It can surely happen again.

Kim entered Chay's password which was Porsche's birth date and smiled for a moment when he saw the background picture of his laptop. It was a picture of Kim sleeping. Probably taken a week ago. His hair was all ruffled up and his cheeks had a slight pink-ish spot on them which Kim recognized to be Chay's lip balm. Chay had a complex lip care routine. Maybe that's why he had such kissable lips.

Okay, wait- he was getting distracted.

Kim opened all streaming platforms on Chay's laptop one by one and scrolled through them. No movies watched as of today. Neither any yesterday or day before. One option out then.

Not wanting to invade Chay's privacy any further, Kim shuts the laptop off and keeps it back into the bag. He had learned the hard way that invading someone he loves' privacy isn't the best thing to do.

Maybe Kim should let Big do his work and he should wait for Chay to wake up. Maybe Chay will himself tell him if something's bothering him. He hopes it is nothing serious.

Kim glanced at Chay's sleeping figure and went back towards the hall. He couldn't sleep knowing that something made Chay cry and he wasn't there with him. Kim checks his phone while sitting down on the sofa and sighs when he realizes that there weren't any messages from Chay either regarding anything unusual happening.

Wanting to pass the time until he wakes up, Kim picked up the strings and the sunflower charms he had bought on the way back home today and sat down on the sofa. He started putting the charms one by one, alternating them with white coloured beads in between. He hopes Chay won't find it childish. Kim had never made a bracelet in his entire life but when he saw the sunflower charms displayed outside a shop, he couldn't help but think of Chay.

Now that he thinks about it, Chay is like a literal sun in his life, and Kim, just like a sunflower, gravitates towards him.

Kim never knew that he would be this head over heels in love with someone, using fucking similes to describe them like a romantic. But here he was.

Kim was startled by his phone ringing the very next second. He checked to see it was Big calling. He picked up his phone and answered the call.

''Tell me you found something.''

''Um sir...there's a video. I'm sending it you right now. It might be what you are looking for.''

''Alright.''

Kim heard a chime indicating the video sent by Big. Just to make sure Chay doesn't wake up due to him moving around, Kim connected his airpods to his phone. He pressed play on the video.

It was a recording footage. Definitely around the parking area of the building. He could see the timing on the top right-hand corner. It was of today. Approximately two hours before he was back home.

There wasn't anything clearly visible in the first 10 seconds. Though, Kim recognizes Derek's voice before he sees him. He was talking obnoxiously loud for Kim's taste. Then, he heard what he was saying.

''Remember Kim's stalker? Yeah, the one who wanted Kim's attention so bad, he followed him everywhere like a pest. Guess what.''

There was a pause.

''I just met him. Inside Kim's apartment. Can you believe that?''

''Kim probably pities the boy...........''

To say that Kim was furious would be a very mild thing to say. With each word coming out of Derek's mouth, the urge to rip out his tongue and shove it down Derek's own throat was getting stronger and stronger.

Derek was never someone Kim paid his mind to. He was just a mere nobody in Kim's life. Occasionally coming of use, nothing less or more. And to hear him say such vile things about the one person he would do the impossible for, is nothing less than torture.

''......would've been a sight to see for sure.''

''Oh it definitely would be a sight to see. After I'm done playing with you, it would be a sight to see for sure.'' Kim mumbles looking at the screen.

Kim was about to call Big when he saw something which momentarily paralyzed his movements.

Chay.

Chay was standing a good distance away from Derek, not visible to Derek directly because of a pillar blocking the view, but close enough to hear everything he was saying.

Kim's heart was clenching inside. Chay heard everything. Everything out of which none was true.

''........there's Kim and then there's HIM.''

Kim saw Chay turning back slowly and rushing to the stairwell area. The trembling of his shoulders gave away his crying,

Sounds of Derek laughing reverberated through the phone and unable to tolerate it any longer, Kim threw his phone against the wall and it smashed into pieces the next second.

Chay heard all of that bullshit. Chay. Chay. Chay.

He needed to talk to him. Now.

Kim went back inside their bedroom. He wasn't surprised to find Chay awake. The loud banging of the phone probably woke him up. He was sitting on the bed lazily rubbing his eyes.

''Baby?''

Chay's whole body jerked upon hearing Kim's voice out of nowhere. He looked up and met Kim's eyes.

His eyes looked red and puffy and they were all swollen up. Kim looked away. He would've started crying himself if he looked at Chay looking so broken one more second.

''When did you come back Phi? I think I just slept for 3-4 hours straight and didn't notice you coming back.''

''About an hour ago I guess.'' Kim replies, walking towards Chay.

''I-umm you must be hungry.'' Porchay gets up from bed and starts heading towards the door. ''Let me-''

Kim reaches forward and grabs Chay's wrist. ''Chay wait.''

Porchay turns around and looks at Kim.

''I know Derek came here while I was gone.''

Chay stills for a moment. But then he relaxes and says, ''Oh yeah. P' Derek brought some documents for you. Wait a minute. I'll bring them for you.''

Chay tries to move forward but Kim doesn't let the grip on his wrist loosen.

Kim pulls Chay towards him and envelopes him into a hug.

''Chay I need you to tell me when you don't feel good. I need you to tell me when something happens and it affects you in any possible way. I don't care how insignificant you think it is, I.need. you. to. tell. me. Kim sighs. He nuzzles his nose further onto Chay's neck and whispers,'' I saw the Cctv recording of what happened in the parking lot.''

Kim feels Chay trembling slightly and held him closer. '' I know what I did months ago destroyed your self-esteem Chay, I-I know that no matter how many times I apologize, it will never be enough for what you had to go through but trust me Chay, whatever you heard Derek say did not contain even the slightest bit of truth.''

Porchay pulls himself from the hug, looks at Kim for a few seconds and then nods weakly.

''You don't believe me, do you?''

''I want to believe you P'Kim, trust me I do. But it's...it's not easy. I was forced to believe for about a month that you had nothing to do with me and I was just a source of information for you, to use and throw away. I-I'm sorry for acting childish but the self-doubts and insecurities don't just go away in a span of weeks. I know things are different now and I shouldn't bring up the past again and again but -''

''Things have been different since the day I came to your house to tutor you, Chay. This-'' Kim motioned his fingers between the two of them, ''what we have now, is not something which I developed out of guilt or pity. I had a clear choice to walk away from you and leave you alone since the very first tutoring lesson Chay. ''

Kim holds Chay's face with his hands and rests his forehead on his. ''I made the conscious choice to have you in my life baby.'' Chay bites his lips and tries to control the sobs threatening to escape. ''Remember what I told you that one time I came knocking on your door at 2 AM asking you to give us another chance? About me avoiding you during our tutoring lessons?'' Kim asks, desperately wanting to make Chay feel better.

A month and a half ago

''.......But you kept ignoring my texts and calls. You avoided me whenever I tried to reach out.'' Chay was crying at this point. He didn't care if he sounded pathetic. He needed answers.

I wasn't avoiding you Chay. Kim slowly approached Chay as if afraid that he will tell him to leave the room and never show his face again. I was'' Kim sighs. ''I was avoiding those feelings which surfaced whenever you looked at me, or whenever you gave me that hopeful smile or whenever you would be brave enough to hug me and make me lose my senses.''

Chay was looking at Kim with a disbelieving look.

''I wasn't taught to express my emotions ever. Kim looked away and started walking towards the window. I was handed a gun when I was 11. The only thing ever taught to me by my father was how to raise the gun and kill the person in front of you without any second thought. P'Kinn and P'Tankhun were too busy handling their own responsibilities to ever question the way I was getting brought up.''

Porchay saw Kim wiping away a lone tear which fell on his cheek. Unable to stop himself, Chay got out of bed and hugged Kim from behind.

'' You were the closest thing to lov- comfort for me. I don't want to lose you Chay.''

Present Day

Chay nods. '' I do remember, and I still believe you with all of my heart Phi. It's just that...'' Porchay trails off.

''Just what Chay? Baby, you need to talk to me to let me know how you feel. Yeah?''

'' It's just that you are so-'' Chay pauses.'' You are so talented and caring and-and kind and everything good. You deserve someone much better than me. You are in the music industry phi, you meet so many people who are just as talented as you and I-'' Porchay wipes away the tears falling and turns his face away, unable to continue any longer.

Kim turns Chay around and whispers softly, ''Where is this coming from Chay?''

'' I don't know. Everyone thinks so. Even faceless people on Twitter seem to know you better than-'' Chay stops. His eyes go wide and he starts shuffling around wanting to get up.

"No Chay, you're not going anywhere. Avoiding this conversation is only going to make it worse."

Kim shifted so he was at the center of the bed and motioned Chay to sit in front of him. Chay joins him a beat later.

"I know this isn't easy, but maybe we should start slow. We can come to the complicated stuff later, alright?"

"Alright. I'll start." Chay says, relieved to let go of the previous topic for now ." Did you really liked the song I wrote for you or was it just an act? "

"It wasn't an act. I genuinely thought you were talented.''

"After being with me for almost two months now, umm....do you still like all sides of me?'' Kim continued.

Chay pretended to be in a deep thought. ''Well, except the 'Trust me Chay, I know how to bake cookies, ignoring the fact that I burned the last 3 sets of them' side, yes, I still like all sides of you.''

''Hey, I do know how to bake cookies okay- nevermind. We need to focus'' Chay chuckled. Kim looked at him adoringly, happy that Chay was getting comfortable. He shrugged before urging him to continue.

'' What are those meds that you are taking Phi? And I want the truth this time.''

Chapter Text

''What are those meds that you are taking phi? And I want the truth this time.''

Kim was NOT expecting that question.

''I-I told you they were regular vitamins, didn't I?''

''I'm not going to do this if you won't tell me the truth Phi.'' Chay replied, giving Kim a blank stare.

Kim took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down.

''It's nothing serious Chay, I promise. Its just that....'', Kim shifted a little on the bed and turned his face away from Chay. ''Its just that when we parted ways, I didn't know how to cope up with that decision of mine. I tried to forget everything and move on, desperately wanting to keep you away from all the mess which was my family. I really tried baby. But you're not that easy to forget you know.'' Kim let out a chuckle.

''And those polaroids you left all around my apartment? Everytime I found one hidden under the guitar case or below my notes or even inside the fridge, I used to sit and cry holding those fucking pictures. At one point the longing to see you or to talk to you became so much that I...'' Kim gulped, uneasiness visible on his face.

''...that I started having panic attacks. It was terrifying Chay. The power you had on me, it was terrifying.''

Chay bit the inside of his mouth to control the sobs threatening to escape. He had to be strong.

''Those attacks became so regular that I preferred staying up all night rather than waking up in the middle of the night with the insufferable urge to have you back in my arms. ''Kim closed his eyes and sighed. ''I was pathetic Chay.''

Kim felt arms wrap around himself and immediately leaned into them. Chay rocked their bodies slowly, both of them saying nothing.

''Why didn't you tell me? I understand about not telling me then, but why not now? you know I would've tried to make the situation better for you.''

''I-I didn't want to sound like a weak, pathetic loser. Someone who can't even be brave enough to face the consequences of his own stupid decision. I didn't want you to think that I'm not good enough for you Chay. I couldn't even protect myself from my own thoughts, how could I ever be good enough for you.''

Chay's lips trembled upon hearing the same insecurity that he's been feeling for the past few days from Kim.

''I would never think like that baby. Even if I tried, that won't be possible. And trust me I'm not saying this as a Wik fan. I'm saying this because I know you. the real you. I don't want you being the big bad mafia boy standing ahead of me, protecting me from all the dark parts of the world Kim.'' Kim let out a chuckle at that. ''I want you to stand right beside me, facing any problem with me, together. I'll train myself to the extent that I'll be able to protect myself phi. Maybe not as good as you but that's fine, I'll be giving you enough competition.'' Chay bumped his shoulders into Kim, giving him a teasing smile.

Kim laughed at that. A full-fledged laugh. one that made Chay look at Kim with such adoration that he could feel his heart swell with so much love that it was painful.

''When was the last time you got a panic attack Phi?''

''Never had one since we got together.'' Chay released a breath at that. ''You were what I needed then, Chay. You are my peace.''

''You know what Phi? You'll never be pathetic for feeling emotions. I'll always prefer you expressing yourself freely like this instead of your stone-cold, blank face.''

Kim ducked his head down and nodded. He pulled Chay closer and enveloped him into a hug so tight that he could feel their heartbeat syncing.

''I hope you know that it's not just you who feels not worthy enough of being in this relationship Chay. I think that you deserve better and you think that I deserve better, though on that, I strongly disagree. I will never be able to find anyone better than you baby. I don't want to find anyone better than you.''

Kim ran his fingers through Chay's hair, still holding him impossibly close and said softly,''How about we both try to be better for each other, yeah?''

Chay nodded his head in approval, not being able to form sentences.

''I don't care I'm in the music industry Chay. I don't care that there are other people who might share the same interests as me or who might be more compatible with me as you say. I don't care about those faceless people on any social media platform who feel entitled enough to comment bullshit about the relation we have, though I do have some work for Arm to take care of regarding that. And I'll be more than glad to make sure that Derek doesn't remain in the condition to say anything about you ever again. I don't mind losing a so-called employee or so-called fans over you baby.''

''But the one thing that I do care about is to make sure you know that I love you despite any flaws you're insecure about. I'm consumed by every little piece of you Porchay Pichaya Kittisawad. To me you're perfect, however cheesy that may sound.'' Kim said, simultaneously sliding the sunflower bracelet on Chay's hand.

''Bought this for me?''

''Made this for you.''

''I'll get puffy eyes from crying so much.'' Chay sobbed, feeling overwhelmed.

''And I'll love you still.''

''You'll never be able to compete with my love for you though, Phi. I have loved you since you were Wik.'' Chay said that while placing a kiss on Kim's forehead. '' I have loved you as Kim.'' Another kiss on the nose. ''And I'll love you no matter what, for years and years to come.'' Chay sealed his promise with a kiss on the lips.

Chay felt Kim smile in between the kiss and reciprocated the smile, slowly caressing Kim's cheek.

''You're the bane of my existence Kim Khimhant Theerapanyakun. Always have been, and always will be.''