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[There's a blur of motion before the camera points down to someone's lap, criss-crossed legs clad in the telling purpurine of a SOLDIER 2nd. Hushed voices and a cough are heard in the background]

"Ah, shoot. How do I get this thing to record?" 

[The camera tilts before whirling around to meet a face. Zack goes from bitterly confused to grinning immediately]

"Ha! I got it!" He fist-pumped, immediately fixing his unkempt bangs in the recording. His eyes flicker from the screen to something beyond it. 

"Hey guys, check it out!"

[The camera rotates violently before the shaky recording settles. Genesis, mid-yawn, immediately clamps his mouth shut, eyes widening in horror before his hands move to preen himself. Sephiroth is hunched over his desk working through a mountain of paperwork. He looks up briefly, meeting the camera with a roll of his eyes]

"What are you doing, Zackary?" 

[The camera points to Angeal, rocking himself on a swivel chair adjacent to the desk. He pulls a face before his fingers curl in an unenthusiastic wave]

"I'm vlogging, duh!" Zack scoffs from behind the camera. "Say hi, Angeal!"

"Hi, Angeal," the man in question mutters, eyes moving in motion with Genesis's scoff off-frame. 

[The camera pans to Genesis, who has his feet shooed off of the desk by the disgruntled Silver General] 

"What for?" The redhead asks, then winks at the camera. 

"I saw some people on the Silver Elite's forums wishing for a day-in-the-life of first class type video, sooo…."

[The camera rotates back to meet Zack's vibrant grin as he flexes his arm for the camera]

"I'm giving 'em one!"

[A hesitant "uhh…" from Angeal dims Zack's glow. He pans the camera to his mentor, who's looking uncomfortably at Sephiroth]

"I don't think Seph would be all too comfortable with that, puppy." He looks back at Zack over the camera. "Do you mind?"

[A pensive hum from Sephiroth himself makes the camera violently jerk towards the General. Genesis slyly tilts his body to keep himself in frame. Sephiroth puts his pen down and leans back, crossing his arms]

"I suppose I don't see a visceral problem with it." 

[Genesis's quiet voice begins to fade into the background— "Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess…" ]

Sephiroth shrugs. "So long as you're diligent to not film anything that breaches company policies and keep to yourself, I'm fine with it."

[There's a whoop of joy from behind the camera. The video blurs as Zack bounces excitedly]

"Great! 'Cos I collected a ton of questions from the forums. I think your fans would really appreciate you answering them!" 

[A snap of red-gloved fingers urges the camera to pan back to Genesis, now bearing a picture perfect smile]

"I just want to make it clear that I have no qualms about being filmed. By all means, I'm an open book."

[Zack pans to Angeal looking directly into the camera]

"No, you're a poem that won't shut up, Gen."

[The camera falls to Zack's lap, obscuring the scene. Laughter fills the room, along with Zack's choked cries and Genesis's angered screeches]

"If you don't end that video right now, I swear by the goddess I'm going to shove a Firaga right up—!"

[The camera is torn from Zack's hands, the video quickly ended by Angeal before Genesis could finish his threat]

[The video sweeps across a carpeted floor. Two sets of boots are seen walking onto an elevator. There’s a cough and the camera points to Sephiroth, who leans back against the mirror looking mildly annoyed]

“This again?” 

“Yes this again, grump-face, now say hi!”

“Hi…?”

[The camera whirs to the side, showing Zack filming himself in the mirror. He waves, shooting the camera a devilish grin]

“We’re going to lunch.”

“Lunch break,” Sephiroth corrects off-frame. 

“In the SOLDIER cafeteria!”

[Zack pans it back to him, showing the General cross his arms]

“Okay, Seph, so the people want to know: why do you never wear a shirt?”

[The camera stills, zooming in on Sephiroth now looking severely annoyed. His eyes flicker from the lens to Zack behind the camera, and he arches a single eyebrow]

“Are you kidding me?”

[Zack turns the camera back to himself. He’s snickering.]

“The people want to know! Although no one’s complaining, trust me, the forums say you can show your pecs anytime—”

“I got it, Zackary, thank you.” 

[Sephiroth’s clipped response was Zack’s sign to point the camera back at him. Sephiroth looked pensive for a total of three seconds before he shrugged]

“This coat is tight-fitting for sheathing purposes. Wearing the SOLDIER-issued shirt with it is extremely uncomfortable and hinders me in combat, so the alternative is to not wear a shirt.”

“Where does it say the alternative is to not wear a shirt?”

“First Class SOLDIERs have the option to customize their uniforms so long as they are still wearing the official garb.”

“You can’t wear a different shirt?”

“The coat makes it highly taxing, Zack. And I’ve yet to find an alternative option.”

[The camera whirs around back to Zack. He looks directly into the camera, then back at Sephiroth, then back to the camera, his lip a thin line]

“Can’t you just…Wear a different coat?”

[The camera points back at Sephiroth, pointedly zooming in. The General stills, blinking but never answering. He doesn’t move a muscle. The silence in the elevator is loud]

[The camera jerks upward at the elevator’s ding, pointing at the opening doors where two SOLDIERs bounce into the elevator]

“SCARLET FELL DOWN THE STAIRS!” Genesis declares excitedly, never noticing the camera.

[Angeal frowns at the video, then sticks his tongue out. Genesis is heard recounting the satisfying tale amidst Zack and Sephiroth’s urges. Angeal takes the camera from Zack, then ends the video with a half-hearted wave]

[A grainy darkness appears before a hand moves out of the way, revealing Zack's smiling face. He's walking down a hallway on the SOLDIER floor]

"Alright, vlog! I'm here with my man Kunsel—"

[The camera pans to a nonchalant SOLDIER 2nd walking beside Zack. He pats Zack's shoulder before the camera moves back to him] 

"—And he just bet me five gil I can't do twenty consecutive backflips!"

"Correct," Kunsel added.

"And I'm gonna make him put his gil where his mouth is Zack style!"

"Wait, dude, shouldn't we go outside—"

[There's a blur of motion where Zack tosses the camera to Kunsel. The camera points to two boot-clad feet. A hushed argument is heard before Zack sprints off-frame. Kunsel sighs from behind the camera before pointing it forward, where Zack has already begun backflipping down the hallway]

"Oh, Gaia, there he goes." 

[Zack backflips a total of five times before he reaches the corner, where Genesis appears. Kunsel gasps so hard he sounds like a frog]

"ZACK WATCH OUT—"

[The camera shakes as Zack backflips into Genesis, violently wrenching himself at the shrieking commander as the two are hurled onto the floor]

[The video is a chaotic blur of motion as Kunsel escapes in a sprint down the opposite direction. The video cuts right as two voices are heard screeching down the hallway]

"OH YOU'RE GONNA GET IT NOW!"

"Wait, Gen, don't—ACK!" 

[The camera flickers on to show Angeal staring down at it in an unflattering angle. He winces, then quickly extends his arm outward to film himself]

"Alright, uh…" A small blush tints his cheeks. "I have no idea how to do this," he laughs.

[Voices are heard in the background along with the clatter of plates, a cough and the clink of an opening trash can]

"Puppy's out of town!" Genesis's voice sounds from behind the camera. 

"Zack's away on a mission," Angeal specifies. "And, uh…" He rubs his neck. "He asked me to continue these because apparently people really like them, so here we are."

[The camera whirls around violently, shaking before it settles on the scene. Angeal's kitchen is in a light disarray, the leftover mess from dinner. The camera zooms in on Sephiroth manning a broom]

"As you can see Sephiroth is sweeping. He broke a cup earlier."

[The camera shakes as Angeal laughs. Sephiroth stops sweeping to send a chilling glare his friend's way. The camera pans to Genesis by the sink]

"And Commander Rhapsodos is washing some dishes." 

[Angeal winces as a plate is thrown sharply into the sink. The camera zooms in on Genesis's sharp glower]

"Yes, do film me doing such an undignified task, 'Geal, I don't mind it at all."

[Angeal flips the camera back to himself, squinting as he puts down his glass of root beer] 

"We have a pretty good system going on where one person cooks and the other two have to clean up." He clears his throat. "But anyway—"

[He points the camera back to Sephiroth, still sweeping, who visibly tenses at being honed in on. Genesis has begun to recite LOVELESS for the sixth time since starting on the dishes, but he's ignored by the other two]

"So, Sephiroth," Angeal begins, "Your fans want to know what your first kiss was like."

[Sephiroth freezes, mouth gaping in awkward horror for the briefest second before an off-camera "Ha-ha!" catches Angeal off-guard. The camera blurs as it quickly pans to Genesis rushing towards Sephiroth]

"Oh, dearest, you can get it on video right now!" 

[The camera zooms in on Sephiroth, who swings the broom over his head and proceeds to thwack Genesis repeatedly with it]

[The video cuts out as Angeal rushes to pry the broom away from Sephiroth]

[The video starts with Genesis filming himself. He has his arm extended to angle the camera perfectly. Angeal and Sephiroth's voices are heard in the background. Genesis fixes his hair before winking devilishly and turning the camera around]

"Director Lazard is late and we're bored," he says. 

[The camera quickly pans around the SOLDIER conference room. Sitting across from Genesis is Sephiroth. Angeal is standing behind him, messing with his swivel chair. Sephiroth sighs and leans back, crossing his arms as he looks grimly to the camera]

"What's the time again?" 

[The camera turns back to Genesis, who quickly checks his appearance in the video before confirming the time on his phone]

"Half past nine. He's fifteen minutes late, the poor sod. What do you think happened to him?" 

[The camera whirs back around, focusing on Angeal who's taken to twisting Sephiroth's chair from side to side]

"Probably got held up with Heidegger. Lazard's furious because he caught a cadet bugging his office the other morning on Heidegger's orders."

[The camera zooms in on Sephiroth’s annoyed face as he’s rocked from side to side by Angeal]

"Hey, that's funny. Start spinning him around," Genesis suggests.

[Angeal complies and starts rotating the chair clockwise]

"Wait, Seph, tuck in your feet," Angeal orders.

"Like this?" Sephiroth complies by pulling his feet up on the chair. 

[The camera shakes as Genesis laughs. Angeal is spinning Sephiroth at an alarming speed. Sephiroth curls into a ball on the chair, maximizing the velocity as Angeal spins him]

"Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess," Angeal begins to chant in a mock-impression of Genesis. "We seek it thus, and take to the SKY—"

[He wrenches the chair across the room. The camera zooms in on Sephiroth, a blur of silver, being sent hurtling towards the door]

[At that moment the door opens. Director Lazard walks into the room. A chorus of "No, no, no's!" from Genesis and Angeal ensues]

[Sephiroth slams into Lazard, knocking the man off his feet. The video ends abruptly with one last "OH SHIT!" from Genesis]

[The camera focuses on a cadet sitting on the floor of a training room. His arms are braced against his bent knees with a water bottle hanging loosely from his hand. He brushes a wisp of blond hair from his eyes, meeting the perpetrator behind the camera]

"Oh, shit. Is this the vlog?" Cloud asks. 

[The camera moves up and down, simulating a head nod]

"Yup!” Zack chirps. “Do something entertaining!” 

[The camera zooms in on Cloud’s grimacing face. He looks from Zack to the water bottle in his hand, then motions for him to approach. Zack complies, and Cloud takes the camera from him, filming the SOLDIER instead]

“See this water bottle?” 

[Cloud hands him the bottle in question, focusing the video on Zack nodding eagerly and looking at the bottle in his hand]

“Good,” Cloud says, “Now, close one eye and stare into the bottom.”

“Yes sir!” Zack bounces on the balls of his feet, complying immediately.

[Cloud zooms in as Zack puts the water bottle up to his eye, staring intently into the bottom]

“Wait, I don’t see anything—”

[The camera blurs with a whoosh as Cloud reaches out and squeezes the bottle. A blast of water shoots into Zack’s eye and drenches the SOLDIER. A stupefied Zack stands there with his mouth hanging open. Cloud runs away laughing, flipping the camera onto himself]

“That’s the fourth time he’s fallen for that this week.” 

[He ends the video]

[There's static as the camera shuffles in the dark. Light peeks through the lense as it films four sets of feet underneath a table. Dozens of voices fill the darkness along with laughs and clatter of silverware against dishes]

"—Gaia's name are you doing, Gen?" Angeal's cut-off question is heard, followed by Sephiroth's muffled laughter.

 [The camera is hidden in Zack's lap, pointing upward at Genesis sitting beside him in a cafeteria booth. The commander proceeds to cut up a Banora White, dunking the slices into a piping hot soup of some kind]

[Zack turns the camera back to himself. He grimaces] 

Sephiroth grunts. "Do you remember when Lazard said we sometimes exhibit behaviors that might benefit from therapy?" A pause. "This is what he meant." 

[There's a clangor of clattering plates as Genesis slams his fist on the table]

"Oh goddess, LET ME LIVE!"

—

[The video next cuts to a different angle, Zack is now filming Sephiroth sitting across from him in the booth. He's eating lunch. Angeal is beside him still watching in horror as Genesis eats the Dumbapple-French-Onion soup]

"What's up, vlog! We're currently at lunch and Genesis—"

[Zack points the camera directly into Genesis's bowl]

"—is commiting culinary atrocities," Angeal finishes for him. 

They both laugh. "I don't know how to explain it, but Genesis has the eating habits of a toddler," Zack adds.

[Zack turns the camera back to a laughing Angeal ignoring Genesis's scathing glare. The video blurs as the camera pans the Sephiroth quietly eating]

"Okay, and since we're eating, I want to take this opportunity to answer one of your fans' burning questions—"

[The camera flickers to Angeal, then to Genesis]

"Drumroll please, fellas!"

[Angeal and Genesis drum their hands on the table. The camera pans back to Sephiroth, looking miffed, his lips pressed into a thin line]

"Would you rather," Zack pauses for dramatic effect, "Eat earthworm pasta OR cockroach stew?"

Sephiroth keeps a straight face. "Cockroach stew."

[The camera quickly points back at Genesis choking on his Banora White juice]

"You answered that alarmingly quickly," he points out.

[The camera points to Angeal]

"I mean, considering pasta is your favorite food, I assume it'd be easier to eat." 

[The camera points back to Sephiroth, who's shrugging as he puts down his fork]

"I assumed that by stew he meant a soup-like dish, which would ultimately mean the cockroaches aren't whole, thus making it easier to drink up quickly."

"Alright, what if the cockroaches are whole?" Zack asks from behind the camera. 

Sephiroth finishes chewing before wiping his mouth and replying: "I'd simply add dumbapples to it and hope for the best." 

[The camera shakes violently as the three SOLDIERS double over in a laughing fit. The motion-blurred camera pans to a displeased Genesis, who's in the process of getting up, tray in hand]

"I'm done with you people," he declares before stalking off across the cafeteria.

[The camera turns back to Zack, still laughing, who waves at the audience before ending the video]

[The video starts off filming a hallway. The person filming is walking at a rapid pace. Angered breaths are heard from behind the camera]

[The person filming stops in front of a door and wrenches it open. Inside the office are Genesis and Sephiroth leaning over a massive Jenga tower. They freeze like two deers caught in the headlights]

"WHAT are you two doing!?" Angeal snaps, moving the camera back and forth between the two SOLDIERs

[The camera zooms in on Sephiroth, who visibly tries to act natural as he stands up straight]

"It's not what it looks like."

[The camera whirs back in a blur to Genesis, who's taken to hiding his face behind his copy of LOVELESS]

"Genesis!" Angeal hisses. 

[Genesis let's the book drop and pouts. The camera briefly points to Sephiroth, who's now pretending to study the pattern on the carpet]

"We were bored!" Genesis argues.

"What did I say about you two and Jenga!?"

[Sephiroth and Genesis both groan, exchanging withering looks before answering]

"We're not allowed to play Jenga anymore," they answer in unison. 

"Why??"

[They sigh again. Genesis shifts uncomfortably in place, avoiding the camera. Sephiroth lets his shoulders drop, possibly in shame]

"Because we're violent and immature children who can't play Jenga without blowing up the SOLDIER floor," They both recite Angeal's words Verbatim.

"And I banned Jenga because??" Angeal presses, still not satisfied.

[The camera pans from Genesis to Sephiroth, both men looking visibly uncomfortable as they stare at the Jenga tower]

"Because last time we punched each other through a hole eight floors down and landed right in the middle of a board meeting and the president was so shocked he choked on his cigar and almost died," they recite. 

"Good," Angeal huffs. "Now put it away!"

[The camera whirs around as Angeal heads for the door, throwing it open. He viscously points the camera back once more. Sephiroth has hung his head. Genesis's lips are a cartoonishly pointed frown. Angeal slams the door shut behind him and flips the camera back to himself]

"Honestly, those two," he grumbles, walking down the hallway, "I leave them alone for five minutes and they—"

[Angeal halts in place as the sound of blocks toppling reaches his enhanced ears. His face twists into a mortified dread]

"Oh no."

[Genesis's muffled screeches fill the quiet hall ("SEPHIROTH!") followed by the unmistakable sound of a desk being thrown into the wall, multiple sword clangers, and an explosion. The camera shakes as Angeal swoops down, ducking]

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF—"

[He ends the video before the younger viewers can see him swearing like a sailor]

[The camera flickers on, and the video shows big, blue eyes staring directly into the lens]

“Oh, shit,” Cloud mutters, then covers the lens with his hand.

[There’s static noises as he fumbles with the camera, then the blurry video is pointed at a red blob crouched on the floor. The camera focuses, showing Genesis sorting through a materia collection on the floor of the training room, far too engrossed in his task to notice]

“Ah, there we go,” Cloud mumbles from behind the camera.

[Genesis looks up, confused and frowning before looking amused]

“Is that Puppy’s camera?” 

“I’m supposed to ask you a question. He forced me into it. Something about…Him being way too chicken to ask you personally."

[The camera nearly falls from Cloud’s slippery grasp, blurring again as Genesis raises himself to his full height, then smiling devilishly when the camera refocuses]

“Ah, of course,” Genesis preens himself, “my popularity knows no end.”

[Cloud is an inept cameraman. The Video keeps shaking]

“Alright…Uh…Ah, here it is,” he reads the question off of his phone, “Asides from soup, what else do you put dumbapples in—wait, YOU PUT APPLES IN SOUP!?” 

[Genesis narrows his eyes, crossing his arms defensively]

“Yes, it’s perfectly normal to do that.”

“Where??? Prison???”

[Genesis groans, throwing his head back before going back to his task]

“Plenty of people put Banora Whites in soup, Strife—”

“—Something I assume the voices in your head told you,” Cloud parries.

“I’m not arguing with a man who’s failed the SOLDIER exam thrice!” Genesis flails his arms. “Let alone someone with no taste!”

“I’m begging you to answer the question.”

[Cloud zooms in on Genesis, who stands back up and places a hand on his hip]

“Banora Whites are versatile fruits. They can be added to both savory and sweet dishes to enhance the flavor, as they naturally soak up the spices in whatever food they’re paired with.”

[The camera whirs back around as Cloud films himself. He makes pointed eye contact with the viewer, his lips a thin line, then points it back at Genesis]

“You put dumbapples in your sushi, don’t you?” 

[Genesis stills, not moving an inch as the camera zooms in on him, every inch painfully slow. The silence is loud]

[He then reaches inside his pocket and pulls out a Banora White. The camera shakes into a blur as Cloud begins to run in the opposite direction, filming himself as he laughs. There’s a woosh and then the apple splatters against Cloud’s head]

[The video ends]

[The video starts off with Zack filming himself. He looks completely fed up, head braced against his hand, fingers massaging his left temple. He’s at the monthly interdepartmental assembly. Heidegger’s booming voice reverberates through the speakers overhead. He pans the camera around to show Heidegger giving a speech on a large stage]

[The camera whirs to the right, zooming in on Kunsel eight seats away. He stares directly into the camera, mouthing: Kill me ]

-

[The video next cuts to Zack filming the first class trio sitting in the row behind him. Genesis notices the camera, immediately starts throwing up gang signs, then has Angeal slap his hands down]

-

[The video then cuts to Zack filming himself, angling the camera to fit Sephiroth, who’s sitting right behind him, in frame. Sephiroth for once takes great interest in the vlog, as it’s a reason to drown out Heidegger’s nauseating drivel]

“Seph,” Zack whispers, “Trade seats with Genesis.”

“Why?” Sephiroth asks.

“Because someone has a question for him.”

[Genesis, with his enhanced hearing, immediately flings himself into Sephiroth’s seat, forcing the General to skid onto Angeal’s lap before he’s thrown to the ground. Angeal hisses a hushed “Genesis, are you kidding me right now!?” and pushes Sephiroth into the empty seat]

“Shut up, don’t take this away from me,” Genesis snaps back at him, then smiles at the camera, adjusting himself in his seat behind Zack. “What do my lovely fans want to know?”

“Okay, the question is,” there’s a pause for dramatic effect, “are you an angle?” 

[Zack zooms in on Genesis, who’s smile falters, eyebrows knitting together as he jerks his head aside]

“Am I a…An angle? Are you sure that’s the question?”

“Yup.”

An annoyed huff from the redhead. “Why do I feel as if you misread the word angel?” 

“You’re insinuating Zack is illiterate?” Angeal is heard whispering in the background.

“Nope,” Zack keeps the camera on Genesis. “The question is, are you an angle?”

[Genesis leans back in his seat, crossing his arms as he looks perfectly displeased]

“No,” he sighs, “I’m not.” 

[Zack whirs the camera back to himself, grinning stupidly and trying to conceal his giggles]

“Well, if you were, you’d be acute one.”

[The camera flips back onto Genesis again. Realization has crashed over his face like a wave, rendering his eyes wide, cheeks flushed and mouth permanently agape. Zack snickers from off-camera. Genesis clamps his mouth shut, lips twisting into a seedy smile]

“And if I were an equation I’d be 3 x 23,” he winked. 

[Zack pans the camera to Sephiroth, who’s doing the math in his head]

“69?” 

[Angeal tears the camera away from Zack and quickly ends the video]

[The camera flickers on, immediate laughter and choked cries sound around the room. The video is pointed downward, focused on Sephiroth's boots. Fumbling is heard as the person filming tries to work the camera. The laughter is loud]

"It's on, just film me," Angeal sniffs, clearing his throat as he tries to conceal his laugh. 

[The camera points upward to show Angeal holding a fridge door open with one hand and wiping away a tear with the other]

"We're in Sephiroth's kitchen," he explains, making eye contact with Genesis off-camera, who still hasn't stopped laughing, "and I opened the fridge to get some water and look—!"

[Laughing, Angeal swings open the fridge door. The only items inside are exactly one water bottle and one huge watermelon. A comical screech from Genesis off-camera makes Angeal lose it again, crouching down and literally cackling]

"Guys, welcome to SOLDIER!" Genesis coughs. "Where they allow you exactly one watermelon per week and nothing more!"

[Sephiroth points the camera to him. He's sitting on the counter, his face as red as his coat and streaked with tears]

"Want to know the secret to Sephiroth's stunning physique? There it is! One human child-sized watermelon!" 

[Sephiroth pans the camera back to Angeal, who has since stopped making noise, his body trembling]

"Genesis, Angeal can't breathe."

"Don't even worry about water!" Genesis adds, forcing Sephiroth to turn the camera back over to him. "As you can see, one bottle shall suffice!"

[The sound of something crashing makes the camera shake. Sephiroth quickly whirs it back to Angeal, who has thrown himself on the ground, gasping for air]

"I don't understand how this is funny," Sephiroth sighs. "I haven't had time to place a grocery order. Then Zackary came back from his trip to Gongaga and brought me back a watermelon from his family's farm." 

"Was the water bottle included?" Genesis adds.

[Sephiroth fumbles with the camera. Angeal and Genesis have resumed their obnoxious laughter]

"I'm not giving you two any watermelon," is Sephiroth's final comment. 

[He finally learns how to end the video]

[The video starts. It's Angeal filming himself in the SOLDIER lounge. He sits at a table, reading the question off his phone with a big, stupid grin on his face. He's blissfully unaware that Genesis and Sephiroth can be seen in the background, through the glass door, out in the hallway]

"Okay, so this one asks what's my recipe to make," Angeal reads. "That's a good question…uh, let me think."

[Genesis and Sephiroth start to play rock, paper, scissors] 

"You know, it's so hard to pick one. I really enjoy building off of leftovers and challenging myself to make different dishes out of them…"

[Sephiroth throws paper, Genesis throws rock. Sephiroth covers his hand. Genesis is immediately angered, grabs Sephiroth's hand and wrenches him across the hall off-frame]

"Oh!" Angeal snaps his fingers. "I guess if we're getting technical, my favorite recipe to make is Banora White apple pie—"

[Genesis is then seen running past the door screaming. Sephiroth runs after him with the masamune]

"—And that's because it's the first thing my mother taught me how to make. So we have something of a tradition going on where—"

[Genesis and Sephiroth roll past the door, wresting each other on the ground]

"—every time I go back home, we bake a Banora White pie together."

[Genesis and Sephiroth appear in the background again, this time fist-fighting and literally roundhouse-kicking each other]

"So, that's my answer, I guess. My favorite dish to make is a a Banora White pie, but only if it's with my mom."

[Director Lazard and 2nd class Kunsel appear rushing in. Lazard dodges Genesis's fist and grabs the man's arms, Kunsel visibly utters a prayer before bear-hugging a struggling Sephiroth. They haul the two men away from each other in opposite directions]

"I hope that answers your question!" Angeal smiles sweetly, then waves.

[he ends the video]

[The video starts off with a black screen. There's shuffling and then a muffled "am I gonna get court-martialed if I sneak up on Sephiroth?" before the hand uncovers the lens]

[Zack films Cloud, who has his hands on his hips, looking mischievously at Sephiroth in the distance. The camera zooms in on Sephiroth, who has his back turned, leaning against a wall at the end of the hallway]

[The camera whirs back to Cloud]

"There's always….The possibility that he's going to whack you with the masamune?" Zack answered hesitantly. 

Cloud nodded. "That's a possibility I'm willing to take."

-

[The video next cuts to Zack, snickering, filming Cloud running toward Sephiroth at full speed. He jumps, intending to tackle the General. As Cloud is in midair, Sephiroth casually ducks, and Cloud is sent toppling onto the ground]

-

[Next, Zack films himself, Cloud and Sephiroth walking down the hallway]

"This is a fun question!" Zack grins. "Sephiroth, this fan wants to know whether you prefer bunnies or cats, and they say they prefer cats."

[He pans the camera to Sephiroth, who hums pensively, staring off into space]

"Neither," he replies, a minuscule smile tugging at his lips, "I like chocobos and porcupines."

[The camera catches Sephiroth speed walking ahead of the two off-frame. Cloud and Zack are left sharing looks of equal confusion before Cloud's face lights up in realization]

"What the HELL did you just call me!?" He huffs, running off toward Sephiroth. "That's coming from the dude who has hair like a girl!"

[Zack whirs the camera back to himself, frowning and touching his spikes]

"Porcupine," he mutters. "Whatever. My mom says I look handsome."

[He ends the video]

[The video is just one full minute of Genesis staring down wide-eyed into the camera, breathing heavily. His left eye it twitching. The vein on his forehead is popping.]

"Utter a single word, Genesis," Angeal is heard in the background, "and I'm taking away your vlogging privileges."

[Genesis mutters an ugly swear and slaps the recording button off]

[The video starts with a black gloved finger covering the lens. Genesis's muffled voice is heard reciting LOVELESS in the background. A very Sephiroth-sounding "hm.." is heard before an "oh " and he moves his finger. He flips the camera around awkwardly. He's sitting on the floor of an elevator]

"Um…" He looks into the camera blankly, clearly unsure of himself. "We were returning to the SOLDIER floor after our lunch break, and…"

[He flips the camera around. Angeal is curled into a ball in the corner of the elevator. Genesis is sprawled out on the floor, loudly reciting LOVELESS ( "The wandering soul knows no rest…Three friends go into battle…One is captured…" ). Sephiroth flips the camera back to himself]

"The elevator has unfortunately malfunctioned. We've been stuck up here for three hours now. Genesis has recited LOVELESS for the hundredth and forty-fifth time now—"

"Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul. Pride is lost…"

"—And help was supposed to arrive an hour and a half ago, but alas, there seems to be other elevators in need of immediate attention."

[Sephiroth's eyes stray to something in front of him. He clumsily flips the camera around to show Angeal, now glaring bloody murder at Genesis, who is still dramatically engrossed in his recitation]

"For you are beloved by the goddess…Hero of the dawn, healer of worlds…"

[Sephiroth flips the camera back to himself]

"I've briefly entertained the idea of cutting a hole through the elevator's top and scaling the shaft way. However, that could potentially endanger us considering we're unaware of the elevator's technical issue." 

"My soul, corrupted by vengeance...Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey…"

[Sephiroth now looks perturbed. He pans the camera around, filming Angeal's visibly dissipating patience]

"In my own salvation...And your eternal slumber," Genesis finishes.

"ARE YOU DONE!?" Angeal snaps, causing Sephiroth to flinch and jolt the camera. "ARE YOU DONE, GENESIS?"

[It pans from A wide-eyed Genesis to a feral-looking Angeal]

"IF NOT, MAY I ASK WHEN IT WILL BE DONE, GENESIS? AT THIS POINT, EVEN THE GODDESS HERSELF IS SICK OF YOU READING THAT POEM EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. AT EVERY. SINGLE. HOUR."

[The camera pans back to Genesis, who not only looks unvexed, but elegantly clears his throat, glancing down at his open book]

"Infinite in mystery is the gift of the—"

[Angeal flies at him, catching Genesis in a chokehold. Sephiroth fumbles to turn the camera off and separate the two before Genesis turns the color of a Banora White]

[The video ends]

Question:

a) thinking that Switzerland and Sweden are the same thing

b) "you sleep like a dislocated fish"

c) "aloha is Spanish for dumb"

d) "call me Ronald McDonald cause I'm lovin it"

any of the above would be BEAUTIFUL in the vlog

[The camera flickers on to show Cloud awkwardly filming himself. He's walking down a busy Midgar street, pointing the camera at Sephiroth and Genesis walking behind him. Genesis has his eyes glued to his phone]

"Dear Goddess," Genesis huffs, typing madly into the device, "I think my parents are swingers." 

[Cloud snorts and starts laughing madly. Genesis looks up into the camera, all color draining of his face]

"Don't film this!" He snaps.

-

[The camera next cuts to Genesis's perfect influencer-esque camera angle filming himself, Sephiroth and Cloud walking down the street. It's notable to mention Genesis is wearing overpriced sunglasses that cover half his face]

"Okay!" Genesis grins. "This particular question warrants a field trip! Today we're in Loveless avenue in sector eight because—"

[In the background Sephiroth and Cloud are audibly arguing over the correct pronunciation of Laboratory— "Sir, with all do respect, no one on the continent pronounces it la-buh-ruh-tor-ee! It's la-bruh-tor-ee! " followed by “So what you’re saying is that I’m illiterate?” and then a breathless, “What!? No!”]

"—We're going to Greenly & Co, which is the best place to find any and all variations of LOVELESS including collectors' editions." 

[He zooms the camera in on Cloud and Sephiroth]

“Today I’m joined by Sephiroth and Private Strife—”

“I’m babysitting,” Cloud cuts in, urging a numb grunt from Sephiroth and a pout from Genesis.

“Yes, insulting as it is, Angeal thinks it unwise to let Sephiroth and I out of the tower unsupervised—”

“Because the last time that happened you two caused a traffic jam in sector five,” Cloud added coolly. “Something about…You betting Sephiroth he wouldn’t be bold enough to jaywalk? And then he proceeded to launch himself into traffic.”

[Sephiroth’s lips are a thin line. He’s stiff as he walks]

“I didn’t fully understand the implications,” he mutters.

[Genesis scowls and flips the camera completely around on Cloud and Sephiroth. Cloud looks bored and smug. Sephiroth tightens his grip over his crossed arms]

“I’ll have you know, Strife, we were children then. Maturity comes at the behest of age.” 

“That was last month,” Sephiroth mutters quietly.

[Genesis frowns and lowers his arm, turning the camera off]

-

[The video next cuts to a black screen. Shuffling and quiet swearing is heard, then a whir of motion before Cloud’s face pops up on screen. He looks completely horror-stricken, eyes wide as he looks all around the fancy bookstore he’s walking around in]

“So,” he briefly looks into the camera, “I’m fucked!”

[He pans the camera around shakily to show the book aisle he’s pacing down. Sephiroth and Genesis are nowhere in sight. Gaia help us all]

“I lost Sephiroth and Rhapsodos!” He pans the camera back to himself, running a trembling hand over his unruly spikes. “I don’t understand! They were here one minute and then the next they—”

[Somewhere off-camera, there’s a thunderous crash, followed by the sound of broken glass, then two swords unsheathing. Cloud stills momentarily before he hears Genesis’s voice (“It’s pronounced la-bruh-tor-ee , you scum of the planet!”) and then an explosion shakes the camera]

“Oh man, Hewley’s gonna kill me!” Cloud hisses, fumbling to turn the camera off and locate the two SOLDIERs.

[He ends the video]

[The video starts. It's a blur of motion as the person behind the camera zooms in on the two targets on the battlegrounds. It's Sephiroth and Zack in the middle of a spar. Zack dodges Sephiroth's clean attacks, maneuvering his broadsword with one hand and eating a sandwich with the other]

"Is that a… Turkey sandwich?" Angeal mutters from behind the camera. 

[The camera zooms out, panning to Cloud sitting on the bleachers beside him]

"When you're in the middle of a battle but you're running out of HP," Cloud snorts. 

[Angeal and Cloud both laugh. Angeal pans the camera back to the spar, where Zack proceeds to throw the sandwich directly in Sephiroth's face] 

[The video ends]

[The video starts as a black screen. Muffled music and shouting is heard in the background. There's a distinct, Sephiroth-sounding grunt before the camera is pointed upward. The blurry video slowly focuses on a doorway in the distance that the camera secretly films]

"Wow," Sephiroth huffs.

[It's Genesis kneeled on Angeal's kitchen counter screaming the bridge of Bad Romance (which is playing on full blast), Zack accompanies him, dramatically singing and being spun around by Genesis. Angeal sits at the counter, headbanging while he chops vegetables]

[It's Notable to mention that Genesis is immaculately singing in french while Zack does a pretty good air guitar]

[The camera whirs back around, focusing on Sephiroth in the dark]

"Get ready for lies." 

-

[The video suddenly switches to a different scene. Sephiroth films Genesis draped on Angeal's couch after dinner, reading. His eyes widen in horror once he notices the camera, then quickly moves to sit up in a more dignified position]

"Genesis, what's your favorite genre of music?" 

"Musical soundtracks and classical pieces," he answers coolly. "Anything else is strictly beneath me." 

[The camera whirs around to focus on Zack, who's sitting on the floor attempting a jigsaw puzzle of a puppy eating a burger] 

"And you, Zackary?" 

[Zack looks up, his face going bright red. He kicks the puzzle away (with a crash) and jolts to his feet]

"Me? I'm a big fan of rock music, you know, really heavy stuff!" His arm curls as he flexes his left bicep.

[The camera pans around and zooms into the kitchen, where Angeal is putting away the clean plates] 

"Angeal?" Sephiroth prompts him.

"Uhh…I don't know!" He shouts back. "I really like country and rock, mostly. Don't really listen to much else." 

[Sephiroth flips the camera around to film himself, his expression both smug and calm]

"I hope that answers your question."

[Surprisingly, he winks at the camera, his lips curling slightly before he ends the video] 

[The camera flickers on to show Zack staring down at it. He's outside. Midgar's gray skies paint the background. Cloud's voice is heard from beside him]

"—Chocobo breeder."

[Zack's brows scrunch together. He pans the camera up as he straightens his back. The grassy training grounds are seen in the background]

"A what? Why?" 

"A Chocobo breeder," Cloud's voice replies. 

[Zack flips the camera back to show Cloud sitting under a tree. He pulls a face, then sticks his tongue out at the camera]

"Spike thinks he's going to fail the next SOLDIER exam!" Zack's voice is accusatory. "He wants to breed Chocobos for a living!" 

Cloud pouts. "I don't think I'm going to fail. I'm just saying that if I do, I'm waiting out the rest of my term and then finding something else to do." 

"But why!?" 

[The camera shakes as Zack thrashes his feet]

"Just stay here and become a secretary or something!" 

Cloud rolls his eyes. "I'm being hypothetical, Zack. Who knows? Maybe the fourth time's the charm."

[Zack flips the camera back to himself. A cartoonish frown is plastered on his face]

"Well, this next question can test that theory. Someone wants to know what using materia feels like." 

[The camera whirs back around to film Cloud. He shrugs, leaning back against the tree trunk and unscrewing the cap of a water bottle]

"I think Rhapsodos can answer that more accurately." 

"I did ask him! He told me to ask you and then show him the footage."

[He zooms the camera in on Cloud, who's now drinking from the water bottle] 

"Genesis will be pissed if you can't answer this accurately." 

[Cloud grunts, then puts down the bottle as he rolls his eyes]

"Using materia feels like…" He frowns, avoiding eye contact with the lens. "It f-feels like…" His voice trembles. 

[Zack, unhelpful as he is, zooms the camera in Cloud's face] 

"No pressure, Spike." 

[Cloud's face is red as he shuts his eyes, looking very much like the >_< emoticon, might I add]

"It feels! It feels…Ah, I don't know how to describe it!" 

[The camera flips back around to Zack. He laughs, then pats Clouds shoulder] 

"Don't worry, Spikey. I'm sure Gen won't…Care…"

[Zack trails off, his eyes squinting. He's looking at something off-frame] 

"Uh…Cloud?" 

[He pans the camera back around to show Cloud looking at the same thing in the distance]

"Is that…Is that Genesis? Running towards us?"

[Zack pans the camera back to himself. His eyes widen]

"With fire materia in his hand!"

[The two scramble to get up, swearing and gathering their stuff. Zack fumbles with the camera as they take off running. He struggles to find the off button but eventually manages to end the video]

[The video starts with Genesis filming himself. He's laying on a black leather couch and spends the first 15 seconds in silence, fixing his hair, adjusting his coat and finding the best angle]

"Like that's going to fix anything," Sephiroth mutters from somewhere off-frame.

[Genesis freezes with his fingers tangled in his hair. He glares at Sephiroth from behind the camera before smiling sweetly at the video]

"Someone asks is there's a reason why the two of us are always at each other's throats."

"Oh? Are we?"

[Genesis grants the video a seedy smile and winks]

"We haven't destroyed any buildings, darling." He hums. "And this is quite literally the perfect opportunity to say that—"

[He flips the camera around (ungracefully so) and zooms in on Sephiroth. He's working at his desk, rifling through a stack of papers and filling out forms. Sephiroth briefly looks up, staring directly into the lens]

"See? See? We're not fighting! And...!"

[He quickly pans the camera around Sephiroth's otherwise empty office]

"No Angeal, or puppy nor baby chocobo to babysit us!"

[He quickly flips the camera around again. The video blurs as Genesis puts his face right into the lens]

"Take that, Angeal."

"Is that why you've been so quiet?"

[Genesis stills, then pans the camera back to Sephiroth. He's put down his pen and leans back in his chair, arms crossed]

"You haven't said a word for—" Sephiroth glances up at the clock on his wall "—twenty minutes."

"As opposed to what, Sephiroth, my usual screaming and hysterics?"

"Well, you haven't breathed a word of LOVELESS nor filled me in on the latest gossip, so I assumed you were sick."

[Genesis flips the camera back to himself. He's starts to sit up, looking severely affronted]

"Oh, is that what I do all day? Recite poetry and announce scandals?"

[He pans the camera back to Sephiroth right as the man huffs a breath of laughter]

"When you're not acting like a child, yes, Genesis, that's quite literally all you do."

"Oh, really?" Genesis rises to his feet. "Care to put your ridiculous sword where your mouth is, old friend?"

[He ends the video abruptly]

-

Later...

Zack has his head braced against his palm, eyes glazed over in boredom. The meeting with the second class of SOLDIER is a drag.

Director Lazard's monotonous voice goes on and on and on, and has since put the likes of both Luxiere and Kunsel to sleep.

A sudden clangor is heard, followed by a resonant crash in the distance, then an explosion.

Lazard quiets immediately.

Kunsel and Luxiere both jolt awake, Kunsel being thrown out of his seat in alarm.

"What the hell was the that?" Zack rises to his feet.

Question: Genesis, how many languages do you know or are currently learning? I know a little Gaelic, Japanese, Latin and a miniscule amount of French.

[The video starts with a pair of feet scuffling along squeaky, white floors. Echoed singing that inarguably sounds like Genesis is drawing nearer. Zack pans the camera up to show a men’s bathroom door being pushed open. He walks inside, pointing the camera at the bathroom sink, where Reno is sitting there smoking and Genesis is fixing his hair in the mirror]

“Gen, I got a question for you!”

[Genesis barely acknowledges him in the mirror, raking his hand through his hair]

“Oh, do you, darling?”

[Zack zooms in on Reno, who takes a drag of his cigarette, squinting as he watches Genesis produce a hair brush out of thin air, then mouthing ‘what the fuck?’ at the camera]

“Okay, someone wants to know how many languages you can speak or are learning,” Zack reads, “they also say they know some Gaelic, Japanese, Latin and French.”

“Damn, that’s impressive,” Reno scoffs, puffing out a cloud of smoke.

[Zack points the camera back at Genesis, who turns around and begins thinking of an answer]

Genesis hums. “Well, I picked up some Wutaian during the war, and I’m rather proficient in old Banoran, having studied it as a child—my governess wouldn’t accept any less—so I’m fluent in Mideelese, naturally.”

[Zack pans the camera to the mirror in front of him, where he’s jutting out his bottom lip and nodding]

“Impressive. Meanwhile I sometimes misspell my own name.”

[He pans the camera to Reno, who's coughing violently while Genesis looks displeased]

“What about you, Reno?”

[Reno shrugs, scratching the back of his head as he redirects his gaze to the ceiling]

“Uhh…Lemme think. English, Wutaian, French, German and Old Nibel, Mideelese, Spanish, Russian and Ukrainian, Portuguese, Japanese, Bengali, Mandarin Chinese, Korean, Standard Arabic and some Gongagan.”

“Holy!” Zack chirps.

Genesis doesn’t miss a beat. “And can you read that sign over there that says no smoking?”

[Zack zooms the camera into the aforementioned sign on the wall, then pans to an unbothered Reno]

“Can you read a different book?”

“Can you button up your shirt?” Genesis shoots back.

“Can you get off Sephiroth’s di–”

“OKAY!” Zack chokes, grabbing Genesis by the wrist. "That's enough vlogging for today! Come on, Gen!"

[He violently whirls the camera back to himself, proceeding to haul off the more volatile redhead while laughing nervously. Genesis and Reno are still throwing unkind hand gestures at each other, one of which has Zack slapping down Genesis's middle finger]

"Join us next time when Commander Rhapsodos learns about the joys of friendship!"

[He quickly ends the video]

[The video starts with immediate, muffled screaming in the background. There's a thumb over the lens, but it's clear that the person filming is running]

"Holy—!" Cloud's swear is muffled by glass breaking.

[The camera pans around in a blur, focusing on an outright belligerent scene. Genesis is being held down by six men, one of which is Kunsel, who's sitting on his chest while learning colorful swear words]

"HOW DARE HE!" The commander screeches, thrashing and pulling. "I'M GONNA KILL HIM! I'M GONNA STRANGLE HIM WITH HIS OWN HAIR!"

[The camera then pans to Angeal, who's consoling a crying Zack and pointing an accusatory finger in the opposite direction]

"And you know what else, Sephiroth? You are a disgusting, depraved, insufferable man." Angeal pulls a sniffling Zack closer. "I'm ashamed to even be in your presence. Ashamed."

[The camera pans back to Genesis on the ground, who's now trying to crawl forward while simultaneously being pulled back by Kunsel and the other SOLDIERS]

"LET ME HAVE HIM! UNHAND ME YOU CRETINS!"

[The camera turns and points to an unbothered Sephiroth. He's sitting on a swivel chair, smug-faced and swirling a wine glass as he reads a book]

[Cloud turns the camera around to film himself. He stares wide-eyed into the lens, grimacing. Director Lazard is seen walking through the door behind him]

[Cloud zooms the camera in on him. Lazard assesses the chaos, mouth agape]

"What on Gaia's good soil happened in here!?"

[Cloud huffs, then pans the camera back to himself]

"Mario Kart."

[He ends the video]

[The video starts with Angeal filming himself, Sephiroth and Genesis walking off the elevator and onto the SOLDIER floor. Genesis and Sephiroth both have lollipops. Sephiroth is in the process of inspecting his curious blue tongue. He then notices the camera and literally darts out of frame]

"This question is so sweet," Angeal remarks as he reads the question off of his phone. "Someone wants to know what we'd do if we had an S/O who overworks themselves and found them exhausted."

"How precious," Genesis sighs, sticking out his red-stained tongue.

[Angeal pans the camera to Sephiroth, who has since gotten rid of his lollipop and is now unwrapping a candy bar. He once again notices the camera and shamefully dips out of frame]

"Sucks that Zack isn't here." Angeal frowns. "His answer would be less hypothetical seeing as he has relationship experience."

[He points the camera at Genesis, who's sighing dreamily and holding both hands over his heart]

"His girlfriend is a sweetie, that one. I haven't one bad thing to say about her."

[Angeal veers the camera back to himself. Sephiroth is seen in the background eating his chocolate. He looks very happy ]

"Onto the answer," Angeal scratches his facial hair, "I'd say communication is key. I'd gently request a sit-down conversation and let them vent, help them draft up a healthier work schedule. I'd make them take a day off too, then spend that day taking care of them, cooking, watching movies, the works."

[He suddenly points the camera at Sephiroth, who's in the process of eating a pack of licorice]

"Sephiroth, you next."

[Sephiroth stills, blinking up at the camera with an expression that looks like this -> •_•]

[Genesis's hand snakes onto frame and steals a licorice from the pack]

"I would help them with their work, I suppose." Sephiroth shrugs. "I have little experience with relationships, unfortunately."

"Boring," Genesis's voice cuts in, followed by a "Hey!" from Angeal.

[The camera is torn from Angeal's hand with a flash of motion. The video blurs, then focuses on Genesis filming himself. He's striding ahead of the other two]

"There's nothing that sex can't fix."

[He winks, then swiftly ends the video]

[The camera flickers on to film a giant Sephiroth poster plastered on the wall. Beneath it is a small table with delicate, lit candles]

[A cough and ecstatic talking is heard in the background. The video zooms in on the poster and Genesis's displeased hum is heard from behind the camera]

"Puppy, why in the Goddess's name do you have this atrocity in your apartment?"

[The camera is turned around and pointed at Zack, who's sitting on the floor of his bedroom playing cards with Cloud. Angeal and Sephiroth are seen in the background going through Zack's Halloween mask collection]

"It's my Sephiroth shrine," Zack grins at the camera. "I pray to it sometimes to guarantee good hair days."

[The camera pans up as Angeal's cackling is heard. He's doubled over laughing while Sephiroth wears an ugly, red goblin mask]

Sephiroth straightens his back. "Infinite in mystery—"

"—YEAH, YEAH, I GET IT," Genesis barks.

[As the rest of them fill the room with laughter, Genesis angrily turns the camera off]

-

[The video next cuts to Cloud, who's laying on Zack's couch, reading something off of his phone. A TV is heard in the background, along with Genesis's quiet recitation of LOVELESS and some snoring]

"Someone wants to know what your favorite subjects in school were," Cloud reads, "they also say that they're currently going through finals…" Cloud's expression is sympathetic as he scratches his head. "Damn, that's rough. I have my SOLDIER exam in a few weeks so I guess I'll join you in mourning."

[He flips the camera around on Sephiroth, who's sitting stiffly on the same couch while watching the movie]

"Sephiroth, what was your favorite subject in school?"

There's a small huff from the General before he spares the camera a bored look. "I never went to school."

"But you were homeschooled, right? Sorry, I mean lab-schooled."

[The camera shakes slightly as Cloud laughs. Sephiroth raises a single eyebrow, lips twisting upward in amusement before he redirects his attention back to the TV]

"I liked chemistry and astronomy."

[Cloud zooms in on Angeal, who's watching the same movie, sitting cross-legged on the floor]

"Angeal?"

[Angeal cranes his head up, looking surprised]

"Favorite subject? Ah…Let me see…I liked biology a lot, especially botany."

[The camera pans up to where Genesis and Zack are sitting. Cloud's uncharacteristic gasp sounds from behind the camera]

"Oh, Goddess, that's adorable," Angeal remarks.

[Genesis has fallen asleep while reading LOVELESS. His voice's melodic timbre has put Zack to sleep as well, who's now leaning up against the redhead, serving as Genesis's pillow]

[Cloud huffs from behind the camera]

"Well I know Genesis's favorite subject was literature." He zooms the camera in on them. "And Zack was once suspended for setting loose three goats in his school."

[Sephiroth's sudden, booming laughter is enough to startle them both awake]

[The video ends]

[The camera turns on and it’s Zack visibly trying not to laugh. He’s sitting in a booth in the SOLDIER cafeteria beside Sephiroth, who’s eating lunch]

“Uhh…” Zack laughs nervously, looking at Sephiroth, who’s paused mid-chew to stare directly into the camera. “Angeal likes beer, Genesis is a fan of wine and Sephiroth drinks brandy on occasion…But I have a video saved that will answer this question beautifully.”

[Genesis’s “oh Goddess” is heard in the background as he pipes up]

“Do not show them the birthday vid—”

[Zack ends the video quickly]

-

[The recording cuts to the next video, which starts with an awkwardly-angled camera pointed at a floor littered with confetti and glitter. Loud music is heard blaring all around]

“What the frick frack is that man doing!?” Zack’s voice pipes up. 

[The camera blurs as he violently pans it up. He zooms in on Genesis, who's wearing sunglasses that cover half his face while dumping an XL bottle of liquor into a punch bowl] 

[The camera is turned around and pointed at Angeal, who looks on in horror]

"He's like an alcoholic raccoon."

-

[The video cuts to Angeal two hours later. He's filming himself as the colorful lights flash overhead. Sephiroth is seen behind him heavily dissociating with a drink in hand]

"We're at Lazard's birthday party!" Angeal shouts at the camera. "So this is a perfect opportunity to answer…this…question…"

[His words fade, eyebrows scrunched together as he notices Sephiroth behind him. He zooms in]

"Uh…Seph, buddy, you okay?" 

[There's no response from Sephiroth, who gently sways on his feet and stares straight ahead]

"Are you drunk?" Angeal asks. 

[Nothing. Help him]

"Oh, Gaia, you're drunk as hell." 

-

[The video next cuts to a shaky recording of Sephiroth, who's now passed out on a table, and Genesis sitting beside him gently cradling a bottle of whiskey like a baby]

[The camera points to Angeal, who's drinking something from a silly straw and watching Kunsel perform a karaoke rendition of Eye of The Tiger ]

[The camera shakes as it pans to Sephiroth, who has fallen out of his seat]

[The camera pans to Angeal, who slams his drink down on the table and drunkenly tries to get up] 

"I'm feeling bold! I'm gonna go find you guys a mother! Oh! There's a pretty girl! 

[Zack films in utter amazement as Angeal stumbles off toward Director Lazard ]

[The camera veers back quickly to Sephiroth, whose head pops up, hair disheveled, drool grazing his chin] 

"Did somebody say mother?" 

[Zack pans to Genesis, who's sunglasses are askew on his face] 

"Goddess in infinite is the mystery of the gift…" He slurs. "We take it to the sky and seek it in eternal slumber." 

[Zack turns the camera around and points it back to himself] 

"Well now we know why moonshine is illegal."

[He ends the video]

[The video starts with Angeal filming himself. Genesis's laughter is heard from beside him. The two are walking down the SkyView hall]

"Genesis, can you do a backflip?"

[He pans the camera quickly to Genesis, who sticks his tongue out at the camera]

"Yes, sir, I can."

[Angeal pans the camera back to himself]

"Prove it. Do a backflip, Gen."

[The camera is flipped around with a blur. Genesis runs off, somersaulting before turning and doing a graceful backflip]

"Awesome!" Angeal laughs.

[He turns the camera back to himself, expression immediately morphing into a grimace]

"Help. How do I tell him that we can't hang out anymore because his parents stopped paying me?"

[There's a pause, and then Genesis's voice is heard in the distance: "I HEARD THAT!" ]

[Angeal laughs, then runs to catch up to Genesis. He ends the video]

[The video starts off with Sephiroth filming hismelf, though the camera is angled at his bare chest. He's walking quickly down a quiet hallway on the SOLDIER floor. There's visibly a pear in his hand]

"Strife!" he calls.

[The camera is maneuvered clumsily as he turns it around. The video focuses on Cloud, who's in the middle of entering Angeal's office. He looks every bit uneasy, eyes cast downward at the pear in the General's hand]

"Uhh...Sir?" Cloud locks eyes with the camera. "Sephiroth? what's up?"

There's a grunt from Sephiroth, then he lifts his hand, offering Cloud the pear.

"I've come to give you despair."

[Sephroth manages to find the zoom feature on the camera, using it on Cloud's quickly grimacing face. The silence is loud as Cloud looks from Sephiroth to the fruit]

Sephiroth huffs. "Do you understand the implications? It's a play on the words this pear."

Cloud doesn't miss a beat. "Did you fall?"

"Excuse me?"

"Like, did you hit your head?" Cloud looks concerned. "Should I call Hewley?"

[The camera veers backwards with a violent blur as Sephiroth begins to walk away. He's filming himself again, shaking his head at the camera]

"This is why I don't attempt humor."

[He takes a frustrated bite of the pear]

"And yes, I enjoy pears, but unfortunately don't farm them." He chews slowly. "And Genesis and I clash because he's a child."

[He swiftly ends the video]

Video 01

[Angeal is behind the camera. He zooms in on Sephiroth, peacefully asleep on the couch in Genesis's office. Genesis hovers above him with a shit-eating grin and a heated blanket]

[Angeal tries to conceal his laughter as Genesis drapes the blanket over him]

[Sephiroth begins to purr]

Video 02

[Genesis is filming himself, using the video screen as a makeshift mirror as he fixes his hair. Sephiroth is seen in the background eating a pack of gummy moogles—apple flavored]

[He notices the treat in Sephiroth's hands, eyebrow quirking with interest. He turns, panning the camera to him]

"Can I try one?"

[Sephiroth hisses, concealing the candy with his hands]

Video 03

[Zack films himself and Sephiroth walking into the Skyview hall. Zack is in the process of giving the audience a tour of the ShinRa tower]

"And this is the Skyview hall, where you literally view the sky—"

[He stops, eyes squinting as he looks at something behind the camera. Sephiroth follows his gaze and immediately looks stressed]

"That's weird," Zack huffs, "why's Tseng talking to Cloud for?"

[Sephiroth starts growling in the background]

[The video starts. It's Angeal starting into the camera like this -> (ㆆ_ㆆ) and there's a distinct, Zack-sounding laughter in the background]

"Loopy Angeal!?" he sputters.

-

[The video next cuts to Cloud. He's filming himself as he sits on his bunk in the barracks. He squints down at his phone, reading the question]

"Okay! Someone wants to know who's the hardest to babysit…" He looks up into the camera, pulling a face. "For legal reasons I'm required to explain that i don't babysit them. They're grown men who can take care of themselves."

[Cloud's eyes betray his words as one eye twitches]

"However, Director Lazard does sometimes have me accompany them on casual outings in public." He pauses. "For legal reasons, I also can't explain why."

[He hums, looking at the ceiling deep in thought]

"So who's the hardest to babysit? It's a draw between Sephiroth and Rhapsodos together and Zack hyped up on any sort of substance." He archest a single eyebrow. "Don't give Zack caffeine. Ever."

[The camera shakes as he shifts in place]

"Outside help? Well, Aerith, Kunsel and I have created a what not to feed Zack list and a how to keep Zack entertained list. Does that count? Oh! And Commander Rhapsodos's mother⏤she's really nice⏤she taught me how to get Genesis to fall asleep in two minutes..."

[A faint tinge of red kisses his cheeks. He suddenly looks flustered]

"I refuse to elaborate on that. As for the easiest, I'm gonna have to go with Commander Hewley. He's usually the responsible adult in most situations."

-

[The video next cuts to Cloud again. This time his face is covered in soot, hair disheveled and holding an electric fly swatter in one hand as he runs, making the camera shake brutally]

"I REGRET EVERYTHING," he screams.

[Behind him is an area on the SOLDIER floor. There are insects covering every square inch of the ground, crawling up the walls and flying in the air. SOLDIERs and other personnel are seen in the background trying to fight them off]

"ANGEAL ASKED ME TO HELP HIM MOVE SOME PLANTS IN HIS APARTMENT."

[Cloud swats some bugs away from his arm. The camera shakes]

"AND HE WASN'T AWARE THE PLANTS WERE HARBORING WILDLIFE IN THEM."

[Genesis is seen running past the camera in the background. He's screaming as a cockroach flies after him]

[Sephiroth and Angeal are seen running after Genesis and the cockroach, spraying insecticide through the air]

[Cloud's face morphs into horror as he looks at something beyond the camera]

"ZACK! ZACK! PUT THAT SCORPION DOWN! IT IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!"

[He quickly ends the video]

[A camera is turned on and the video starts with two big, blue eyes peeking into the lens]

"Ohh so it is a video camera," remarks a familiar, yet much more boyish voice.

[The camera is pulled back as the person filming settles it down on a flat surface. Genesis appears, albeit much younger with longer hair, a baby face and sporting the uniform of a SOLDIER 2nd]

"I spent my entire childhood begging for one and it's when I'm at war that they decide to fulfill my wish," he huffs.

[A baby-faced Angeal appears behind hi m. He's also in a SOLDIER 2nd uniform, with messy short hair and holding a giant box]

"It was just...Inside the parcel?" he asks, looking at the camera.

"Yup," Genesis replies. He holds up a note. "It came with this note which reads..."

[As Genesis reads and Angeal starts fumbling inside the box, an even younger boy appears in the background, this one with shorter silver hair and a confused pout]

"Dear Genesis," Genesis reads, "we hope the war effort is going strong and that you're pushing yourself to be an exemplary SOLDIER. Use this video camera to film yourself so that we can see your adorable face⏤!?"

[Angeal doubles over laughing while Genesis turns a deep shade of crimson. Kid-Sephiroth is still in the background, sitting on his cot in the tent while watching the scene]

"⏤And so Gillian can see Angeal," Genesis continues through gritted teeth. "Make sure to send the camera back. Enjoy the books and sweets we sent you. Love, mom and dad."

[Sephiroth raises his eyebrows at this, watching in amazement as Genesis rolls his eyes and scoffs. Angeal picks up a book and begins to flip through it]

[Genesis picks up the camera and points it at Angeal and Sephiroth]

"Well there's Angeal! Say hi to your mom, 'Geal."

[Angeal waves excitedly]

"Hey ma!"

[Genesis pans the camera to Sephiroth, zooming in on the flustered child]

"And this is Sephiroth. Yes, the Sephiroth. Say hi, Seph."

[Sephiroth blinks up at the camera]

"To who?"

"To the camera."

"The camera is an inanimate object. It cannot speak."

[Genesis whirls the camera back around to himself. He grimaces]

"He was raised in a lab."

"Ooh, look at these!" Angeal's voice is heard in the background.

[Genesis turns the camera back around and walks over to Angeal . He's rifling through the box which is filled to the brim with candy. His face lights up when he finds an orange lollipop]

"I missed these! Hey Seph, try one. They taste like orange soda."

[Sephiroth's frown is comically prominent]

"What's orange soda?"

"Oh my God," Angeal echoes without a pause.

"Just eat it!" Genesis rolls his eyes. "Then I can end this recording and call it a day."

[Angeal unwraps the lollipop and hands it to Sephiroth, who in turn looks at the candy suspiciously before finally trying it]

Genesis huffs smugly. "See? It's good, right—WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIS EYES?"

[Sephiroth is sitting there with the lollipop tucked into his mouth. His eyes are wide, looking like this -> ⊙‿⊙]

-

Later, a 3rd class SOLDIER who was sent to fetch Sephiroth for the General walks into the tent. As he pulls back the flap, he pales.

The tent is littered in candy wrappers, torn book pages and everything is a mess. He witnesses Commander Sephiroth, with his face covered in chocolate, being held down by Angeal and Genesis, who are screaming obscenities while Sephiroth squirms in their grasp.

"HOLD HIM DOWN," Angeal screams.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M DOING?" Genesis gasps.

Sephiroth cackles maniacally. "HA HA I CAN HEAR COLORS!"

[Genesis turns the camera on, then proceeds to spend the next minute solely fixing his hair and testing out different angles. The background is a rather opulent interior in Genesis's apartment; a living room furnished with rich reds and browns]

[Genesis doesn't notice Cloud and Zack appear in the background. Both of them are wearing expensive dresses and snickering. Cloud is dressed in a tasteful, blue cocktail dress and Zack in a silky green one]

"Okay!" Genesis begins. "Short answer is no, sadly, I don't dabble in drag nor any sort of cross-dressing."

[Zack and Cloud begin twirling each other around and goofing off. Genesis is still unaware]

"And I wouldn't dare call occasionally trying my hand at makeup and stilettos drag," Genesis scoffs. "It's a medium I hold in high regard, and would rather not sully it's name with such a pedestrian definition."

[He veers his gaze towards the ceiling, seemingly deep in thought]

"You know, I don't believe I even have garments in my possession to cross-dress with."

[Zack and Cloud had disappeared briefly, but have since come back with high heels and gloves. They're now trying them on while flouncing around]

"Anyway," Genesis waves his hand dismissively, "I hope that answered your question."

[He winks at the camera before ending the video]

[The camera is turned on by Zack, who's staring into the lens with a wicked grin. He pans the camera right, where Sephiroth is standing next to him in the elevator. He looks bored and uncomfortable]

"Okay, Seph, this—" Zack holds up an air horn, "—is an air horn."

[The camera zooms in on Sephiroth, who uncrosses his arms and frowns. He takes the air horn from Zack, then begins to inspect it]

"And what purpose does it serve?" Sephiroth asks, to which Zack responds with cryptic laughter.

"Entertainment."

-

[The video next cuts to Zack filming himself and Sephiroth speed-walking into the SOLDIER lounge. Zack is trying desperately to conceal his giggles while Sephiroth has a prominent smirk]

[Zack whirls the camera around, zooming in on Director Lazard sitting at a table with his back turned. Genesis is sitting at the same table reading a book]

"Oh man, this gonna be priceless!" Zack remarks.

He films Sephiroth sneaking up on the director. Lazard has a full cup of coffee in his left hand

[Sephiroth swoops in like a wraith, then blows the air horn right in Lazard's ear. The siren blares throughout the lounge. Director Lazard screams, jolting is hand and splashing Genesis with the coffee]

Genesis immediately gets up with a fire materia building up in his hand.

"SHIT! RUN!" Zack screams.

[He abruptly ends the video as Sephiroth scrambles to get away from a screaming Genesis]

[There's a blur of motion as the camera is turned around. Angeal films himself at his desk. Talking and the clatter of plates and silverware are heard in the background]

"So we're all having lunch right now in my office," Angeal tells the viewers. The talking immediately dies down as the others realize he's recording. "But I'm about to make them all lose their appetites."

[He turns the camera around, pointing it at the rest of his office. Genesis and Sephiroth are on the two chairs across the desk, meanwhile Zack and Cloud are on the floor]

"We're gonna play bed wed or behead!"

[Zack and Cloud immediately groan, putting down their takeaway containers. Sephiroth looks duly confused, meanwhile Genesis just rolls his eyes]

"Just say fuck marry kill like a normal person!" Genesis scoffs, taking a sip from his apple soda.

[Angeal zooms the camera in on Sephiroth, who looks lost and very much like this -> (• •) ?]

"How do you play?" he asks, leaning back in his seat.

[Angeal fails to hide his snickering from behind the camera]

"Basically I'm going to say three names, then you have to tell me if you would...marry, sleep with or kill the options."

Sephiroth nods. "Alright, I loosely understand."

[Cloud raises his hand in the background, and Angeal zooms on on him. Zack is seen doing bunny ears on him while sticking out his tongue]

"And who are the options?"

[Angeal veers the camera back around and points it at himself. He's laughing now]

"Lazard, Hojo and Hollander—"

"Kill Hojo," Sephiroth says quickly.

[Angeal pulls a face, then quickly pans the camera back around to Sephiroth, who looks dead serious]

"You would...Kill Hojo. Okay. Fair. And what about the rest?"

[Zack and Cloud are seen discussing their options in the background, meanwhile Genesis is staring blankly at the ceiling fantasizing about something]

"I don't know," Sephiroth shrugs. "After executing professor Hojo I would desire little else—"

"Okay, you're done!" Angeal says quickly.

[He pans the camera to Genesis, who's now winking at the camera and sitting up straighter]

"So I've decided to bed Lazard—"

"Here we go," Angeal sighs.

"Marry Hollander, seeing as I've no other option, and kill Hojo."

[Sephiroth jolts in his seat. Angeal flinches, causing the camera to shake. Sephiroth and Genesis are engaged in a firm handshake, almost as if the two men have closed in on a deal...]

"Alright, Weird..." Angeal mumbles.

[He zooms the camera back in on Zack and Cloud]

"Have you two decided?"

"Yup!" Zack grins, throwing his arm over Cloud's shoulder. "And since we're a package deal, we've decided to..."

[He motions for Cloud to continue. Cloud sighs, then rolls his eyes]

"Bed Hollander, marry Lazard and kill Hojo."

[A chorus of cheers erupt in the office. Angeal flinches again, then films the other four guys jump up and start whooping, patting each other on the back and congratulating each other]

[This continues until the small group disperses out into the hallway. Each of them are in the process of unsheathing their weapons as they make a beeline toward the elevator]

"Wait!" Angeal calls in a panic. "Don't actually kill him, or we're all going to jail⏤SEPHIROTH! PUT THE MASAMUNE AWAY!"

[He quickly ends the video]

[The video starts. It's Genesis, looking unkempt with wide, blood-shot eyes and messy hair. He's leaning over a kitchen countertop looking exhausted]

"I'm going to be arrested."

[There's a deep, verbalized meow in the background. Genesis briefly looks at something beyond the camera, then rubs his face]

"So...I thought it'd be funny to play into all the Sephiroth is a cat nonsense and—"

"Meow"

[Genesis stops again, looks long and hard at something behind the camera, then sighs a trembling breath. There's panic in his eyes]

"And I put catnip in Sephiroth's humidifier."

[Genesis pans the camera around slowly, the video filming all of Sephiroth's kitchen before finally landing on something on the floor]

"Oh goddess I'm going to JAIL."

[It's Sephiroth as high as a kite. He's sprawled out on the floor in a starfish position. There's a uncharacteristic, dopey grin on his face. He looks drugged out of his mind]

"Meow," he says in a deep voice.

"He's been like this for three hours now," Genesis says from behind the camera. "Do you all understand why I'm freaking out now? It's like a broke a government weapon—"

"Meow."

[Genesis turnes the camera back around, filming himself as he nervously runs a hand through his hair]

"I need to take him down to the infirmary—"

"Meow"

[Genesis looks stressed]

"I'd call Angeal but I don't want to be arrested and killed—"

"Meow."

[Genesis snaps his head up, frowning the incapacitated SOLDIER on the floor]

"Sephiroth, my friend, either stop interrupting me or pick something other than meow to say!"

[Sephiroth doesn't reply, and the following moments are silent. Genesis nods in approval, then redirects his attention back to the camera]

"Anyway, as I was saying—"

"Fuck you."

"WHAT THE F—"

[Genesis quickly ends the video]

[The video starts with a blurry dark screen. The camera is pointed at a pair of feet beneath a table—the Cactuar-print socks are a dead giveaway that it's Zack. Talking and the sound of forks scraping against plates are heard]

"And then I walk in and Genesis is on the ground, the ladder is toppled over, and Sephiroth is wrestling a box of lightbulbs from a screaming Cloud," Angeal's voice says.

"Wow!" Zack laughs. "What happened?"

Genesis is heard sighing. "A mishap while changing the lightbulb in Angeal's office. The sleeve of my coat got stuck on the light fixture and I fell—" He pauses. There is a moment of loud silence before Genesis gasps. "YOU'RE RECORDING THIS, AREN'T YOU?"

[Zack fumbles with the camera, looking for the off button]

"WHAT? NO I'M NOT!"

[He ends the video]

-

[The video next cuts to Zack again. This time he's filming himself sitting at Angeal's dining room table]

"Okay!" He grins wide. "Speed round! Try your hardest to make Angeal blush!"

[Zack quickly pans the camera around to film Angeal sitting across the table. He stops mid-chew to gape in horror into the video]

"H-Huh?" he gasps through a mouthful of roast beef, shrinking back in fear.

[Zack points the camera to Genesis, swirling a glass of wine and staring dreamily at Angeal beside him. There's an absolutely devilish smile on his lips]

"There is no hate, only joy for you are beloved by the goddess. Hero of the dawn, healer of worlds, thick of ass—"

[Angeal starts violently choking on his food. Zack ends the video quickly as Sephiroth rushes to help him]

-

[The video then cuts to Sephiroth being filmed by Zack. Sephiroth is leaning back with his arms crossed. His plate is empty and he's now looking boredly into the camera]

"I'm supposed to trigger a rush of blood to his face?" Sephiroth arches a single eyebrow.

"Ha!" Genesis bangs his fist on the table.

[Zack pans the camera to the redhead with a blur of motion. Genesis is pointing an accusatory finger at Sephiroth. Angeal is chugging a glass of juice]

"As if you have the verbal prowess to make anyone's blood rush anywhere."

[Zack quickly pans the camera back at Sephiroth, who's face is still devoid of emotion]

Sephiroth huffs. "Hex code #be7767."

[Angeal does a spit take that mimics a geyser. Juice is sprayed across the table and into the camera, obscuring the lens]

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Angeal screams

[Zack starts fumbling with the camera, trying to turn it off. Genesis is laughing hysterically]

"Aaaand there goes our family-friendly rating," Zack grumbles miserably.

"Oh, Angeal, you're red," Sephiroth says smugly. "Does that mean that I've won?"

[Zack manages to end the video]

[The video starts with muffled laughter and the distant sound of cars. The lens is obscured by a dark hand, and the only light seeping through is dim]

“Hey guys!” Zack’s whispering voice comes on. “It’s me, ya boy.”

[More shuffling is heard as Zack seems to shift in place]

“So the reason I can’t show my super handsome face right now is because I’m hiding in the parking garage!” He whispers. “I’m playing the prank of the century on the guys!” 

[The camera shakes as Zack starts quietly laughing to himself]

“Basically,” he struggles to catch his breath, “I told each of them to meet me down here, and to bring a shovel and wear a disguise and⏤oh! Here comes someone right now!” 

[Zack uncovers the lens, then there’s shuffling as he turns the camera around to film the elevator. It zooms in right as the elevator doors swing open]

“Oh, Gaia!” Zack starts laughing uncontrollably. “It’s⏤It’s Angeal!” 

[As Zack’s ugly laughter muffles the audio, the video shows a tall figure in a black trench coat step off the elevator. Angeal is wearing a baseball cap, sunglasses, and has the collar of his turtleneck pulled up to cover his nose. He’s also carrying a giant shovel as he speed walks toward Zack]

-

[The video next cuts to the elevator doors again. The floor number keeps dropping as the elevator gets closer. This time there’s two people talking]

“Ten bucks says it’s Genesis,” Angeal is heard saying. 

[The doors swing open. Sephiroth steps out carrying a garden hoe. His only disguise is a fake mustache]

[Zack is sobbing with laughter. Angeal’s “THAT’S NOT EVEN A SHOVEL!” makes Sephiroth look their way]

-

[The video cuts to Zack filming himself. He has Sephiroth’s fake mustache on and is caressing it pensively as he looks into the camera. Behind him Sephiroth and Angeal are arguing]

“A shovel is used to move dirt,” Sephiroth says simply. “Hoes are for digging.”

Angeal shakes his head. “Well Zack asked for a shovel, so excuuuse me.”

[The sound of the elevator’s ding makes Zack quickly pan the camera around. Genesis steps off the elevator wearing a tight black dress with a fur coat, red heels and sunglasses. He’s carrying a shovel]

“Woah,” Zack gasps, awestruck. “Who is she?”

[Angeal tears the camera away and quickly ends the video]

[The video starts and there's a nose pressed right up to the lens. It sniffs, and then an "oh crap, I'm too close" is heard before the nose backs away]

[Zack appears fully now. He's grinning and waving at the camera. Behind him are Sephiroth, Angeal and Genesis all sitting on the floor in front of a coffee table. Genesis is on his phone, Angeal is organizing the various takeout containers, and Sephiroth is eying the food]

"What's up vlog? Today we're doing things a bit differently! We're doing a .....Drumroll please!"

[The three behind him start rythmically banging their fists on the coffee table. Genesis is still on his phone]

"We're doing a Mick-Bing!" Zack announces, bouncing on his feet.

"MUKBANG!" Genesis echoes from behind him.

"Mukbang!" Zack corrects himself, still grinning. "As you can see behind me, we've ordered from that place in downtown sector three that's famous for their tongue-transplant-wings and—"

[Sephiroth raises his hand in the background. Zack stops talking and turns around]

"Yes, Seph?"

"Why are they called tongue-transplant-wings?"

[Before Zack can answer, Genesis shoves his phone in Sephiroth's face with a smack ]

"Because those who eat them suffer tongue injuries! Look at this article. One gentleman needed a tongue transplant! Hence the name!"

[Zack backs up from the camera and sits down at the coffee table]

"It's not that serious." He waves one hand dismissively while opening a takeout box with the other. "We're SOLDIER, right? Our pain tolerance is, like, crazy high! We'll be fine."

[Sephiroth is still reading the article on Genesis's phone, his eyebrows raising further up with every word he reads]

"Zack has a point," Angeal says with a shrug, then immediately grimaces as if the words taste bitter on his lips. "Even if the wings are lethal to unenhanced humans, we'll still handle it no problem."

"Alright!" Genesis shrugs, annoyed. "So what this means is that even if my tongue melts, I won't feel it! Yup! That's comforting!"

[Sephiroth looks up from the phone as Angeal and Zack start laughing]

"Don't be such a baby, Gen!" Zack mocks him. "What? Are you scared of a little bit of hot sauce?"

"Are you scared you're going to get your fingers dirty?" Angeal chimes in with a smug look.

[Genesis looks into the camera furiously. Smoke is practically billowing from his nostrils as his face reddens. Sephiroth watches as Genesis tears open his box of wings]

"You know what? Let's just get this over with. Then, when we're all bonding in the Infirmary, I'll have the pleasure of saying I told you so!"

[Sephiroth stares at the glistening, red chicken wings inside his own box. He looks apprehensive]

"If you still have a tongue with which to speak, that is," he says.

[Genesis's eyes widen comically, making Angeal double over laughing. As Zack tries to catch his breath, he grabs a wing from his own box, prompting the others to do the same]

"Alright!" Zack clears his throat. "On the count of three, ready? One, two, three, eat!"

[All four of them take a bite out of their food. The camera then films Zack spitting his piece back out]

"THIS IS WHAT MURDER TASTES LIKE," he yells, fanning his mouth, "IT'S LIKE A CHAINSAW IN THE FORM OF A CHICKEN WING!"

[Angeal is sweating profusely. He's hysterical, reaching for the glass of water in front of him]

"HOW THE HELL IS THIS LEGAL?" He screams before splashing the water on his face.

"I TOLD YOU SO!" Genesis screeches back. His face is the same color as his coat. He's inhaling his third glass of milk. "I TOLD—"

[Genesis starts retching]

[The last thing the camera films is Genesis running to the bathroom to throw up, Angeal diving across the table to get to Sephiroth's glass of milk, and Zack screaming "MY TONGUE IS MELTING!"]

-

[The next video starts with Sephiroth. He's walking around Angeal's apartment, holding a chicken wing with one hand and filming himself with the other]

"I don't know what all the fuss is about." He continues to chew. "The chicken wings are quite nice. Wouldn't you say so, Genesis?"

[He pans the camera around. Genesis is on the floor with his head completely submerged in a bucket of milk. Genesis lifts his head briefly. He's drenched in the drink]

"Fuck you," he says simply.

[Genesis dunks his head back in the bucket of milk]

[Sephiroth laughs, then ends the video]

Q: SOMEONE accidentally crashed a helicopter containing Tseng and the boys, leaving them stranded in the middle of nowhere for a few days until rescue comes. Who loses their sanity first?

[The camera is turned on and immediately pointed to a smug face. Genesis is all smiles as he walks along a shoreline. The sun is splayed on his face, his hair is made redder by the warm sunlight, and he's eating an apple]

"Evening, friends and fans." He takes another bite of the apple to keep himself from laughing. "Today I bring you—"

"Are you FUCKING VLOGGING RIGHT NOW!?"

[Angeal's exhasperated screech makes Genesis turn around, still keeping the camera pointed at himself]

"WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRISIS!" Angeal screams from somewhere off-frame.

[Genesis takes another bite of the apple and winks at the camera]

"Crisis are my aesthetic." He tosses his hair from his eyes. "It's crisis-core."

[A coconut is violently lobbed at his head. Genesis let's the camera fall into the sand. The video blacks out]

-

[The next video also starts with Genesis. He has the camera pointed to himself as he sits in the sand. Sephiroth and Tseng are seen in the background preparing a fire. Angeal comes up behind them carrying some wood]

Genesis sighs dreamily. "When the war of the beasts brings about the—"

"NO!" Angeal, Sephiroth and Tseng scream in unison.

[Genesis ends the video]

-

[The next video starts with Angeal filming himself. It's early morning the next day. Crashing waves and birds are heard. Tseng is seen in the background preparing a fish]

"I need to add context to this nightmare since all Genesis has done so far is be an ass."

[Genesis's laugh is heard from somewhere off-frame]

"We were on the way back from an assignment that...."

[Tseng gives Angeal a dirty look]

"That I cannot disclose. But Genesis the idiot—" Angeal pauses to glare at him. "—Insisted on flying the helicopter. He lost control because he's an idiot—" Angeal glares at him yet again. "—And then we crashed."

"We almost died," Sephiroth says in the background. "I saw my entire life flash before my eyes."

[Tseng stops preparing the fish they caught to look back at him]

"Was that before or after you punched that Sea Worm?"

[Angeal pans the camera to film Sephiroth, who's laying on a fallen tree trunk as if it's a therapy bed. He looks reflective]

"During it," he replies. "It kind of looked like Professor Hojo."

[Angeal veers the camera back to Tseng, who's now looking directly into the lens]

"He also said that about the Beachplug he butchered two hours ago."

[Angeal quickly pans the camera back to Sephiroth, who hasn't moved an inch but now has a concerning smile on his face]

"I have a lot of anger, Tseng."

[Angeal points the camera back to himself as he grimaces. Genesis's continued laugh is enough to make Angeal film him. Genesis is lounging on the sand on top of his coat. He has his copy of LOVELESS in one hand, an apple in the other, and is wearing sunglasses]

"I don't know you're so calm during all this," Angeal huffs. "I thought you would've gone nuts by now without access to the internet and coffee."

[Genesis puts his book down and shrugs]

"Why pine over creature comforts when I have everything I need right here? I'm on a free vacation with a copy of LOVELESS, my friends, and there's an apple tree right there."

[Some voices behind them makes Angeal turn the camera back around. Tseng is wrestling the fish knife away from Sephiroth]

TELL ME, TSENG, HAVE YOU EVER FELT THE DESIRE TO CONSUME DEATH AND DANCE WITH THE GODDESS?"

"SEPHIROTH, MAN, LET GO," Tseng screams.

[Angeal ignores this and pans the camera back Genesis]

"I just think it's a little suspicious how eerily thought out this all was, that's all," Angeal says.

[A commotion off-frame makes Genesis sit up straight and has Angeal pan the camera back around. Tseng is seen running after Sephiroth, who in turn is attacking a coconut tree with his sword]

"SEPHIROTH!" Tseng shouts. "THE TREE DOESN'T SUSPICIOUSLY LOOK LIKE PROFESSOR HOJO, YOU'RE JUST DELIRIOUS!"

[Angeal turns the camera back to Genesis, who takes a bite out of his apple and sighs]

"And now I have free entertainment. This is paradise—why are you looking at me like that?"

[The camera moves in on Genesis. Angeal's heavy breathing is heard as he approaches him]

"Hey, hey! No, not the face!"

[The video ends right as Genesis screams]

[The camera is turned on. Sephiroth films himself in a clumsy angle as he walks down a hallway. He arrives at a door and knocks promptly]

"Yeah?" Genesis's muffled voice comes from the other side.

[Sephiroth swings the door open and points the camera inside. A startled Genesis looks up from his work]

"I'll be brief," Sephiroth says. "Do you own any clown makeup?"

[Genesis looks directly into the camera lens, then back at Sephiroth suspiciously]

"No?" he answers.

[Sephiroth pans the camera back around to film himself]

"Genesis does not have the equipment needed to film a makeup tutorial."

"SON OF A—"

[Sephiroth slams the door shut and quickly ends the video]

[The camera turns on and it's Genesis filming himself. He fixes his hair, preening himself while Sephiroth and Angeal have a chat in the background. They're all in the elevator]

"I've been excited to answer this one," Genesis starts. "Alright, so I did musical theatre as a child and that fine-tuned my voice, which is an instrument many people praise me for."

[As he's filming himself, the camera catches Sephiroth and Angeal's reactions in the reflection of the mirror. Angeal mouths 'dying cat' while Sephiroth signs mediocre ]

"And I play a little bit of piano and guitar. I started learning piano professionally as a child, but then I enlisted and went to war so..."

[He pans the camera around to film Angeal, who's suddenly awkward as the video focuses on him]

"What about you, 'Geal?"

"Uh.... Acoustic guitar. That's it, really."

"He's really good," Genesis adds from behind the camera.

Angeal shrugs. "I'm decent, I suppose."

[Genesis points the camera at Sephiroth, who's silent and leaning by the door]

"And you, Sephiroth?" Genesis asks smugly. He knows Sephiroth never picked up any instrument.

[The elevator reaches their floor, emits a shrill ding , and the doors swing open]

"I'm Sephiroth," he says matter-of-factly, then walks out as if he didn't just metaphorically blast his friends with firaga.

[Angeal starts laughing uncontrollably. Genesis angrily ends the video. ]