Archive of Our Own ^beta

Reid still looked tired.

And now Hotch was starting to get very worried, the doctor had been with them for a couple months and the dark circles under his eyes were yet to fade.

It didn’t take away from his guilt when the young man was shot in the knee on a case. He was on crutches for three weeks and was using a cane for the past one.

The agent looked more and more tired after that.

Hotch wasn’t even surprised when Reid revealed he was doing a fourth PhD, this one focused on philosophy, but, it didn’t mean he wasn’t any less worried about the kid burning the candle at both ends.

And he knew he couldn’t talk about workplace stress (and other forms), but Reid was just so young. Too young to be doing this kind of work.

However, until Reid reached out to him, Hotch couldn’t do much. So he settled on keeping a close eye on him.

And, with also having to keep watch of the rest of his team from fear of them burning out or cracking as-well, well he was beginning to think he may need to use some of those sick days.

‘Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to spend some time with Jack.’

“Sir?” JJs voice rang out alongside a knock on the door.

Hotch was snapped out of his concerned thoughts.

“A-um, yes. What is it JJ?” He quickly regained his composure, sitting up straighter in his chair.  Giving her his full attention.

“We’ve got a case. The kidnappings in Texas.” Hotch nodded promptly, making eye contact with her; she didn’t return his gaze, instead choosing to scan his appearance.

“Are you alright Sir? You look tired, we can brief without you if you need a moment?”

‘Damn it, he’d given himself away,’

“No. It’s alright, you just caught me off guard, I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Right you are Sir.” With that JJ spared him one more glance before turning around and walking out of the office.

Hotch breathed a quiet sigh of relief before standing, gathering his travel bag and some papers and walking out the door.

He had a bad feeling about all of this.

Spencer was having a shit day. And he didn’t use crude language without purpose.

This day had been utter shit.

He’d slept maybe two or three hours, thankful that he managed to submit the last part of his thesis.

He’d slept through his alarm anyway, woke up thirty minutes late, missed his train and had to spend money he didn’t have on an Uber.

An Uber with a man who kept shooting him odd looks.

It was only when Spencer looked in the mirror to try and meet the guys gaze and give him a stern look, something pretty out of character for him however, desperate times called for desperate measures, that he caught his reflection.

For one, he was still in his pyjama shirt.

Second, his hair was greasy and messy.

And, finally, the dark circles under his eyes were bad, even for him, like really bad, his eyes were sunken in.

He had his satchel at-least, his gun, his badge, and his files.

So all he needs to do, is sneak quickly into the BAU, a place full of expert profilers, find his travel bag, and grab a spare shirt.

And maybe see if Garcia had a spare hairbrush in her crazy office.

And get coffee.

Lots of coffee.

He could already feel a tightness in his chest over the entire thing but he decided he’d be fine.

He had to be fine.

“Hey! Buddy. Get out of the car.” The man was glaring at him even harder than before.

“R-right. Sorry.” Spencer got out quickly, not bothering to tip, the man didn’t deserve it anyway, and rushing into the building.

The woman at the front desk stared at him in disgust.

He was already used to that look, from his childhood, his parents, his team.

‘Focus.’

He simply flashed his badge and headed to the stairs.

He’d have a better chance of sneaking in if he didn’t announce his arrival with the elevator.

So, he began his ascent and, it took all of 45 seconds for him to realise this was a horrific idea.

It was three floors of stairs and his knee was already screaming in pain.

He’d forgotten his cane.

‘Great! Fantastic!’

Time to endure the crippling pain that was being amplified by his complete exhaustion.

It was fine.

“Pretty boy! Where were you- Jesus Christ! What the hell are you wearing kid?”

‘This was not fine.’

“O-oh Morgan! Didn’t see you there. Standing. By the stairs?”

“Oh yeah, but I sure saw you.” Morgan crinkled his nose is fake disgust. “And smelt you.”

“Haha.”

“Rrrrright. Well we’ve got a case. Everyone else is in the briefing room, I was sent to find you.”

Reid blushed, remembering his lateness.

“R-right. Let me just grab a spare shirt.”

“Reid.” Morgan asked, something akin to worry, although that couldn’t be it, in his voice.

“Yes?” Spencer asked nervously.

“Where’s your cane?”

“O-oh! Umm good news! I’m cleared of it, yay! The doctor said it’s better to walk on it now to try and strengthen the muscle the rest of the way, that way it’ll heal nearly completely, isn’t that great?” Spencer rambled the lie quickly, before rushing past Morgan and into the changing rooms.

It’s fine. This is fine.

He quickly pulled of his pyjama shirt, not taking time to stare at his bruised and ever thinning frame, he really didn’t have the time to eat anymore.

He grabbed a shirt from his to-go bag and buttoned it up quickly before hurrying toward the briefing room.

Most of the others stifled laughs when Reid walked in, hair messy and shirt buttoned up wrong.

But Hotch stared at him,

‘what the hell is going on with this kid.’

“Hey boy wonder, too busy last night to set your alarm?” Garcia asked, raising her eyebrow and hinting something Spencer didn’t quite catch.

“Yes actually, but I finished my thesis, so I’m quite relieved.” He smiled at Garcia  who just laughed at his simplicity.

Hotch was quite relieved too, ‘maybe this meant the kid could get more sleep.’

‘Unlikely.’

“Alright,” Hotch stood, ending the chatter, “JJ, brief us on the case please.”

“Yes sir.”

Hotch helped hand out the case files while JJ rushed through the case:

“Three women, two missing, one found dead. Obviously, the case is time sensitive. The kidnapper took the victim fingers, we have since identified her as Lily Baster. A 27 year old.”

JJ clicked the control, showing disturbing photos of the deceased.

Garcia gasped and looked away.

Spencer’s eyes were slightly glazed over, exhaustion tugging at him. This went unnoticed by the others, which he was grateful for.

“Garcia is coming with us, the unsub takes their phones as-well, she’ll be able to track them easier if she’s in same proximity as them. The unsub continues to send frequent emails to the families. They use words the kidnapped never would, a select choice obviously sent by someone proud of their crimes.”

She flipped the screen and the email came up.

The team quickly scanned them and discussed what it could mean.

Spencer was staring at the screen blankly. He could take all of this in later. After sleeping on the plane.

“Alright, wheels up in 20. Get to the jet.”

Everyone nodded and stood,

“Oh, and Reid, could you stay behind please.” Hotch asked.

“Oooh pretty boys in trouble.” Morgan stage-whispered, although still with worry in his eyes.

Spencer on the other hand was pretty sure worry was being screamed from every part of his body.

That’s how it felt anyway,

‘Had he upset Hotch somehow? He hadn’t messed up, had he? Hotch was pretty annoyed when he lied about being flight safe, had he caught him in the lie with his cane? He needed to make it clear he wasn’t a liability.’

“Reid.”

“Y-yeah. Yes sir?” He stood up straight, as straight as his knee would allow him to anyway.

“Are you alright? You seem..” Hotch trailed off. Trying to prompt the young genius to finish his sentence for him, giving him the opportunity to open up.

But Reid just stared at him, blankly. And very clearly freaking out.

“…. Seem?” Reid asked confused waiting for his boss to leap into telling him off.

“You seem stressed. Would you like to sit this case out?” Hotch asked, pushing as much understanding and kindness into his voice as possibly despite both not understanding at all what was going on and also feeling like worry was going to take over his tone at any moment.

And that wasn’t what the kid needed. Because Hotch knew he never reacted well to worry. It was like he hated the idea that anyone spared a thought on him.

“No sir. Just a bit tired. Slept through my alarm that was all - I’m sorry about being late.”

Hotch frowned, and scanned Reid’s face, although as usual the young doctor refused to make eye contact.

“… right. Well, come to me if you need anything, understand?”

“Yes. I understand, thank you sir.”

“It’s not a problem Reid.” Hotch nodded briefly at him.

Spencer scampered out quickly towards the others , while simultaneously trying to disguise his limp.

‘Don’t. Don’t do it. Don’t fall asleep. The team will just be more worried, so don’t fall asleep. Good. Just stay awake. Maybe grab a coffee once we’re in the air.’

Everything will be fine.

’stay awake come on.’

“The hell is wrong with pretty boy.” Morgan broke the silence of the jets

“Morgan!” Emily gasped and slapped his arm.

“What? He’s knocked out before we’re even in the air. He’s been sleeping the entire time. He’s clearly in pain. And he was late today. He’s never late.”

“Well he did say he finished his thesis last night. Maybe he’s just crashed?” JJ tried to rationalise, not even really believing herself.

“That’s not it. You know it.”  Morgan snapped.

“Yeah yeah. I know.” JJ replied solemnly.

“No profiling team members.” Hotch warned, taking a seat by the window and continuing to study the case files.

But, the whole team noticed him glance worryingly at Reid.

“We’ll be landing in five.” Rossi reminded, “I’ll wake him up.”

“Are you sur-“ Emily began but Rossi was already on his feet and besides Reid.

He reach a hand out and shook his shoulder, “Reid. Time to get up kid.”

No response.

“Reid? We’re landing come on, we need your brain.” Rossi joked and shook him harder and suddenly Reid startled,

“Don’t!” Spencer yelled, his pupils dilated for a couple seconds before he saw who it was, and, he immediately felt his face grow hot.

“S-sorry, di’n’t reali’e it was you Ro’si’ Spencer slurred, exhuasted.

‘Why did his bones feel even heavier than before?’

“It’s fine kiddo, don’t sweat it, we’re landing now.” Rossi gave him a gentle smile.

Spencer nodded albeit sluggishly and began to gather his things, annoyingly aware of the team shooting both him and each-other worried looks.

It had been bad. Pretty damn bad. Spencer had spent the entire time geo-profiling in a hot sticky office full of ‘alpha’ males.

They were snappy and rude to him, and he could barely focus because even though it didn’t feel like it, every fan in the entire office was on.

It was like a bunch of white noise had been turned on, but different soundtracks at different times on different speakers.

And it was hell.

The constant wiring settled into his head producing a headache that left him massaging his temples.

He took some aspirin, and tried to focus on the work at hand.

But his team didn’t help, just adding to the pressure he’d already put on himself.

And when they decided to give up for th day, go to sleep and hold a press conference in the morning, well Spencer felt like it was the first time he’d ever felt actual joy in his life.

Then he realised they were sharing rooms.

‘Fan-fucking-tastic.’

Good news: the hotel rooms were air-conditioned.

Bad news: he was sharing a room with Hotch and Rossi.

While Morgan snored, Garcia sleep talked and Emily smoked, nothing was worse than having two of his father figures boss’ watching over him the entire night.

He could only hope he could just fall asleep quickly and avoid any questioning.

…

‘Hello insomnia my old friend’

‘New plan’ Spencer decided.

Reid carefully got out of his bed, Rossi was in the bathroom, Hotch was downstairs still in the lobby, trying to coordinate the conference for tomorrow because everyone in the Texas police department was apparently sexist and JJ couldn’t get through to them.

So he moved as quickly as his knee would allow him too and went to sit on the balcony, hoping to get some fresh air.

‘Jesus Christ. It was fucking hot.’

The air was too thick, and he couldn’t breathe properly.

And it was nearly midnight.

And he hadn’t slept more than maybe three hours in the past two weeks.

And it was so hot.

And the fans had been so loud.

And now he just outright couldn’t breathe.

He tried to take gasps, but nothing was working. He stood up to get back inside to the cold room, but his knee finally gave out.

The aspirin he took earlier hadn’t made much of a dent but the adrenaline of the case kept him numb to actually feeling the pain that always seemed to settle on and stick to his skin.

And now he was sat on the floor of a balcony, in the heat.

Exhausted.

Unable to breathe.

And in so so much pain.

“Reid?”

He looked up.

“Spencer? You alright there kid?”

It was Rossi.

“Hey. Kiddo, breathe. It’s alright.”

Reid tried to take a breathe but couldn’t. It was so god damn hot.

He tried to standup again, putting his weight against the banister of the balcony before pushing himself off.

Only to fall right into Rossi.

“Hey, hey it’s alright.”

This was fine.

He could feel his sweat combining with the hot skin of Rossi’ arms and hands. And Rossi’s shit was stabbing into his face. 

But it was fine.

“I-inside.” He croaked out,

Rossi tugged him inside, before pretty much supporting all of his weight and dropping him on his bed.

He then went back and closed the balcony door.

Spencer still couldn’t breathe.

‘Why couldn’t he breathe?’

But his skin didn’t feel like fire anymore, so that was something.

“Reid? What was that? Are you alright?” Rossi asked, eyes crinkling at the edges as he looked at Reid, studying him in the same way a father studied a all too quite child.

Reid met his gaze for a second before dropping it to the floor.

He still couldn’t breathe.

“Hey. Sorry about that, took me thirty minutes, but I think I’ve got the press conference organised for JJ.” Hotch and walked in, just closing and putting his phone back into his trousers pocket.

Because for some reason, that completely escaped Spencer, the man was still wearing that god awful suit.

“Are you two alright?”

Spencer watched as Hotch took in the sight of him sat on his bed with Rossi crouched down in-front of him-

‘When had he crouched down?? When did he even get so close? Huh.’

“Y-y-yeah. A-a-all g-good.” But the doctor didn’t even believe himself at this point.

It was all fine.

Rossi shot Hotch a look trying to communicate that it was in fact not fine.

Hotch nodded, seemingly saying something to Rossi with his body language, something Reid couldn’t quite get.

Rossi pat Spencer on the knee, making him flinch back slightly, before standing up and walking over to Hotch.

At that point, Reid gave up and let go, they weren’t in his line of vision anymore so he allowed the two men’s hushed and low voices to go over him.

He stared quietly ahead, he wasn’t sure if his chest was rising and falling steadily or even if he was breathing.

He was exhausted. The buzzing of pain became a background noise and he felt himself losing his connection to his reality and mind.

He felt so still, and so washed over. Like every one of his senses was separated from the input of noise and taste and smell by water that hung thick in the air around him.

“Reid.”

“Spencer.”

He snapped back into awareness. And immediately gritted his teeth as the pain slammed back into him.

“Hey, hey Reid, sorry didn’t meant to scare you. Yeah, hi buddy, could you please take some deep breathes for me?”

‘Hotch, he identified. Hotch was now in front of him. Where had Rossi gone?’

‘Breathing.

Right.’

Spencer tried to take a shaky inhale, but his breathe hitched and he felt panic wash over him full force.

God breathing shouldn’t be this hard.

“That’s it, it’s alright, come on Spence. Deep breathes, follow my lead.” Hotch’s voice was calm and level with just a hint of kindness in the end notes.

And it was exactly what Spencer needed.

Spencer managed to take a gasping breathe. Taking control back over his body with each inhale and exhale he made.

“Good, good. It’s okay. Everything’s fine.”

And, hearing someone else say it, made Reid break.

Because finally, finally he could be the voice of reason.

Because, everything wasn’t fine.

He gasped again, “i-it’s not fine Hotch.”

His boss looked taken aback and stood from his kneeling position, taking a seat next to him.

“What’s not fine?” He asked.

“Everything is not fine. M-my knee hurts. It’s hurting all of the time. I can never sleep, and I submitted the last of my thesis, but God, it didn’t feel good. It feels like when I accomplish things now it’s not even an accomplishment. It’s just what’s expected of me. And I can’t sleep even when I take so much aspirin I shouldn’t be able to stand straight.”

The doctor tried to take a breathe to steady himself. But he couldn’t slow the thoughts from reaching his mouth,

“And when I do sleep it’s for barely any time at all. Either nightmares wake me up or it’s taken me so long to get to sleep in the first place, it’s only a couple hours at most. And this morning I slept not even three hours. Slept through my alarm. Forgot my cane and forgot to even change my shirt! What kind of genius forgets to put on a fucking shirt?? I feel like I’m getting stupider.”

He felt tears well in his eyes. And when Hotch wrapped an arm around him, gently enough for him to shrug off first before tightening it he let the tears drip down his face. His shoulders shook, his chest heaved, as he took in watery gasps and swallowed thickly.

And he was exhausted to the point where he’d do anything to rest. God, anything.

He felt a second weight, this time to his right side.

“Kiddo, you should of told us about all of that, you know we’re happy to give you time to recover, and we could have stopped to get you a walking stick, we passed five hospitals, they’d have had crutches.”

And now it seemed so obvious that Spencer couldn’t help but sob even harder.

“Ah, ragazzo,  it’s alright.” Rossi tried to soothe him. While Hotch’s hand began to stroke up and down on his shoulder, pulling him in closer and trying to keep him grounded.

“Everything’s so much.”

“I know Reid, but it’ll get better.” Hotch tried to comfort.

“No, no it won’t.” Reid answered shortly. “I have chronic pain and insomnia, that doesn’t get better.”

“You’re right, sorry, but, it will get easier.” Hotch comforted, successfully this time.

Rossi stood from his spot, not before tucking some of Spencer’s hair behind his ear where it had fallen from earlier.

“Kiddo, how about you try to sleep, huh? Hotch and I will be right here. Alright? Then if you’d like, we can continue this conversation in the morning. Okay?”

Spencer, way too tired to argue with anyone. Slumped to his side, falling (slightly reluctantly) from Hotch’s grasp.

“Let us know if you need anything Kiddo.” Rossi said, like it was the simplest thing to offer in the world.

Maybe it always had been that easy, and it was just that no one had ever taken the time to offer it. 

Shutting the thought down to the best of his ability, Spencer allowed his head to hit his pillow and settle, and when Hotch stood up, he also moved his legs so they were resting on the bed.

He felt Hotch’s rough hand ruffle his hair gently, and as if to preserve the memory, Spencer fell into a deep sleep before the man had the time to even remove his hand fully from the kids hair.

Rossi and Hotch waited until Spencer’s breathing evened out.

“Aaron, you know we can’t let him keep tearing himself apart.” Rossi stated obviously.

“Yes, yes I know David. But I don’t know how to get him the help he needs.”

“Well.. maybe we could be it? Just being there for him? I guess we do often forget to remind him he’s more than just his intelligence.”

“I suppose we do.” Hotch responded regretfully.

And, Spencer did notice when the rest of the team interrupted him less. When they reminded him more how much he meant. When they kindly redirected his rambling rather than cutting him off.

And god did it make all the difference.

And, after some time, maybe he’d start to feel a bit more rested, and maybe, it would all get a bit easier.